#I don't know what long furry noodle I am

[dysfunctionaldogdude]

WEASEL, FERRET, STOAT, LONG FURRY NOODLE???

AAAAAAAAAAAA

[creampuffqueen]

Funny Quotes From School

finished high school and having some Feelings about it, so please take the last five years worth of dumb quotes i've heard/spoken in my school

uhhhhh trigger warning for... violence? uncomfy statements? sexual innuendos? idk most of these are extremely unhinged. also long post tw like seriously that's why i made a cut

Eighth Grade

go suck all eleven of my toes

don't you hate it when you try to go upstairs two steps at a time but end up skipping seven steps?

go suck a lime

i'm going to shove my cowboy boot so far up your ass you dillhole

'or maybe just don't eat mashed potatoes with your gravy' 'that's satanism'

sexual question of the day. go

oh, how the fidgets have spun

you ever just randomly twerk?

'they look like noodles' 'no, YOU look like noodles'

or they can throw a back of licorice at you

is the earth round, flat, or thicc?

i just spilled apple juice on myself and now i'm going to cry

*someone holding a grape* who is this?

don't throw things in my trash can

i'll consume your kneecaps

i'll peel your toenails

that's okay, i didn't want to live anyway

you're going to make me have five more mental breakdowns than usual

i bet i could beat up every sixth grader

you think i have MORALS and STANDS?!

we're not living in an alternative universe, we're making a new country

don't put applesauce on my cheetoes

i'm sorry. i cheated on you with the mailman

don't make fun of me, i know what memes are!

or as i like to call it, carbonated barbecue sauce

penetrate me with nails

i'm not a lady, i'm a WOMAN

i will deep fry your scalp

i will replace your tampons with sticks of butter

i will exfoliate with your esophagus

it jumped at me and attempted to arson my finger

i am the physical manifestation of the cowardly lion

i will pull your uterus out through your nose

you're like a conditioned pig

'what are your emotions?' 'pumpkin spice latte'

i don't want your cocaine

am i the only one who puts lipgloss on their tongue?

'how many bones are in a human hand?' 'enough to eat'

i have too many eggs to function

it sounds like cough syrup

feed the squirrels the vaccines

george washington dumped me!

that's not how you eat oranges, you satanist

spock is right there with marilyn monroe

i used to be a boy. now i'm an orangutan

you sound like a mother fucking cuckoo clock

do you think i could be a foot model?

this weekend i ate a whole capri sun

i made my siri call me daddy

are you saying boys don't have legs?

you'll hear those jingles when you're DEAD

nerds are my drug of choice

'seduce me with your words' 'BUBBLEGUM'

delete my kneecaps daddy

shut your teletubby looking ass the fuck up

those phalanges have me quaking

bill nye is my queen

'my hands are warm because i'm hot' 'no, your hands are hot because you were born in HELL'

i just stubbed three of my toes because i whipped

ow my nonexistant knee. it hurts

dude i'm like 82 fricking years olds

if you make fun of people because of their weight, your kneecaps are forfeit

hey just be prepared for lunch, i'm going to accuse her of drawing furries in her free time

the cowboy hat emoji is my dad

i'm the only one who can threaten violence here

if hell was just a tequila bar i'd still go

how do you politely tell your friend she looks like a soccer mom?

fuck you in the liver

can i snap all of my bones and extend into the multiverse?

there's ranch in my pants

hang yourself from the eiffel tower

your whole life is a voice crack

i swear to god i will rip out your vocal cords

horse girls will ride literally anything

my dick is bigger than that of a sea cucumber's

it's not salt, it's cocaine

i'd go to hell for a capri sun

my dog had sex with an owl

i'm a slut for ted cruz

liquify me daddy

last night i fortnite danced to my favorite song so today i'm going to kill myself

that's because i'm a fucking lesbian, dickhead

i'm still eating bricks today

take your saliva back

i would like to wear a sweatshirt made of his skin

i hope you become a burn victim

i will jump rope with your large intestine

some of us had things going on this weekend, like the breakdown of society

i'm gonna break my toe until it's completely calcium and can't break anymore

it's an interpretive dance, called where the fuck is the trashcan

you are the human equivalent of green vaginal discharge

FUCK THE BEES

nobody cares if your boyfriend made out with another guy-

is that a fucking eggshell?

i'm like a bloodhound for fursuits

Ninth Grade/Freshman Year

someone revoke my live priveleges

ants ants ants ants ants ants ants

'your pain brings me joy' 'your pain brings ME joy' 'I FEEL NO PAIN'

make sure to water your track every day so it'll grow big and strong

you ever just commit mitosis?

you're talking to the person who thought lightning was fake

why don't you just donate your body to science, and that's one less paper for me to grade

is a soul required or something?

i want my feet to be gone

i'm going to stab my eyes out with plastic knives

put germ-x on your dick

screw the water cycle

eating spaghetti is now cannibalism

i look strongly like a toe

close your coochie

what even is obama's last name?

i want death in every available form

you lost your shoelace privileges. hand 'em over

did you just call it photosynthesis water?

if you don't stop imma drop spin your ass

Tenth Grade/Sophomore Year

how dense is this dog?

i'll tic tac toe your toes

he looks like the word pulp

my one and only complaint about texas is that the ground is far too moist

this ain't the krusty krab

perry the platypus says trans rights

is phone sex free?

bold words for someone within pegging distance

this guinea pig has hips to rival kim k

'i'm not dying a virgin' 'not with that attitude you aren't'

all dragons are lesbians

you don't get the priviledge of sight

they sexualized winnie the pooh

i will run down ANY corridor i want, thank you very much

i can't think while i'm breathing!

why would you be lactose intolerant. it's my birthday

my ego is big and my balls are bigger

if you're trying to get me to admit i watch cave porn-

that is a joke; i am a whore

shut up or i'll slut shame you

can i get a rabbit convicted for sexual assault?

normalize lobotomies

my brain feels like deep fried butter at the county fair

get the christmas cocaine out

your flavor buds are made of granite

the crack house has become the crack home

i don't want to sleep with the seven disciples

i have such a fake god complex

i'm going to get you euthanized

well it's a good thing i like sausage. it's a coping mechanism

horses don't have shoulders, don't you know?

it's free to shut up, you know

my fetish is eco pollution

no, i'm not shoving a caterpillar up my ass

fuck you. i'll unvirgin your islands

speaking of cold sweat and being in a room-

he falls for lesbian coded women all the time and he still got somewhere in life

aborted fetuses in my cereal? it's more likely than you think

sorry, i forgot to put on my toes this morning

i'm very materialistic when it comes to my own organs

i'd love to be a malleable shape in real life

the entire digestive system is stored in the balls

wipe my memories daddy

i have been molested by a rabbit before, it is a possibility

is it wrong to say i kin satan?

it's a double sided titty

someone remove this man's vocal cords

she got real up close and personal with a morphine addiction

ignore the rabbit cum stain, keep testing me!

i'll clip your wings, bitch!

this is the side effect of joining the cult

reject tradition, embrace the alpaca

their asses are SO slappable

leave room for jesus when you jack yourself off

no preggers? POGGERS!

government mandated lactation

Eleventh Grade/Junior Year

look at his tits! this man was made for lactation

i'm going to water board you in brine

oh no, i fell for the cum gambit!!

i'll refer to you exclusively as dipshit from now on

knuckles from sonic has a cloaca?

who let you have sentience

daddy the collective

hey kid, you wanna domesticate a cow?

his eyes are against OSHA regulations

let me take my place in the nitrogen cycle please

are you talking about an epipen? no, heroin

so we're talking about the physics of projectile vomiting, am i hearing you right?

if you break your leg enough eventually you learn not to break your leg

friends? in my digestive system?

i scared him away with my juicy needles

he's sodomizing his french fries

are you a little quirky? a little wild? do you do crack?

i have the most succulent ass in this entire lunch period

if i weighed less than the average chromebook i would definitely take my bigwheel on the freeway

i'm going to breed that until it weighs less than the average chromebook

that chromebook is submissive and breedable

every day i get a colonoscopy on the side of the road

'where is the assignment?' 'up your ass'

the navy is just a giant sailor moon convention

imagine milking someone in the starbucks line

did you just call the son of god a hot cheeto girl?

fish fear me. the sugar baby bot wants me

my counselor has given up and is just going to let me kill myself

a self inflicted joker arc

the college board invented war

the quintessential american experience: fireworks, ferris wheels, and serial killers

i'm a thief, not a hoe

do you know how many drugs i'd have to be on to go on a road trip with you?

put tangent on birth control

eco friendly bird spies

his natural habitat is scrubs and khakis

i am a hyperbola enjoyer

sometimes you're deranged. you have weird habits and you're left handed; i wouldn't put anything past you

complete my citations daddy

if you put bananas in my cheesecake i will get gayer

spooning the homies on the slaughterhouse conveyor belt

if i were a cow i'd have as many complicated pregnancies as possible

in 1.7 miles exit this mortal realm

veterinarians be like 'i can fix him' and pull out a burdizzo <- my senior quote btw

Twelvth Grade/Senior Year

facebook logo of a man

what kind of drugs are you on? because it needs to be adderall

when aroused the vagina can fit 1-2 raccoons

the most civilized cats in our world lick their ass for anyone to watch

you sound like a goldfish who got his in the head with a ping pong ball at a carnival five too many times

a blueberry is smarter than you

i hope this email finds me dead

i'd chew on a trachea

let me sparknotes shrek 4

i'm deaf in all four ears

it's imperitaive that i take a shit in the front yard right now

can you stop trying to deal people drugs for like ten minutes?

a minecraft stack's worth of war crimes

i was in my father's balls planning for this event

dicks not provided for this event

his foreskin is his sock??

[goldemas1244]

Heyyyy I have a question :3

Do you have any headcanon/s for these character : Scraptrap, Scrap Baby, Lady Dimistrecu, the three daughter of Lady D, Heisenberg and/or Molten Freddy ? :3

You don't have to do all the proposition, you can choose what character you want to do :3

Have a good day/evening and stay safe ! :3

*Cracks knuckles* \(^v^)/

You already know I'm doing all of them! Thank you for the ask! Headcanons under the cut!

FNaF6

Scraptrap

He loves rice and would do anything to get his paws on it. Fortunately, the pizzeria is quite close to a Chinese restaurant so rice is easy to get.

He orders a rice-based menu at least three times a week, so the owners aren't at all that surprised to see a tuxedo-clad zombie-rabbit come in and ask for their signature fried rice with buttered lobster on the side.

Since he like to dine-in there, he usually asks Michael to give him a bath in exchange for pizzeria improvements. Michael usually shrugs and gives him a well-deserved bubble bath and his tuxedo.

He likes it when Michael gives him head pats and rubs. It makes him feel loved and appreciated.

He has a pet pigeon named Fernando Buschmann. It's German and likes to listen to the violin.

He likes ASMR and memes. ASMR makes him go feral with murderous intent while memes make him question the modern generation.

He has social media accounts, all named "Willton-Moldover". He usually posts cosplays and furry art on them and has 93 followers on his Reddit profile, 1.5 million followers on his Instagram, 550 followers on his Tumblr, 35 on his Snapchat, and 3.95 million on his TikTok.

He also has a YouTube channel with 10.784 million subscribers called "Willton-Gameover". He plays videogames one-handed and roasts popular YouTubers and famous people. He would never roast Keanu Reeves though, because Keanu Reeves is precious bean.

Due to his popularity he gets a lot of hate mail and private pics. He doesn't like them at all so he blackmails the people who post them. And if the media and police are involved? Well, he has a strong fanbase that's not going down as well as a good alibi so that works out well for him.

Yes, his fanbase also knows of the Fazbear Murders, and he admits to it but frankly, he's shown them the approving ghost kids (who've bonded and gamed with him) so that's no big deal. Only Cassidy hates him, but it's usually constipated anger.

He's bisexual and has an ENORMOUS crush on one of his favourite game characters, Karl Heisenberg. Something about that man reminds him of himself and Henry, although he's not sure what. Still, don't let that distract you from the fact that he owns a nude Karl Heisenberg body pillow, CAPCOM official.

Scrap Baby

Her favourite Monster High doll is Draculaura. She doesn't understand how pink goes well with black but oh boy, pink goes so well with black.

She knows how to skateboard like a pro. Despite her weight, her trusty skateboard still stands and, if she falls, she's always got her skates to spare. She likes to impress the boys at the skatepark with her ability to perform even the most difficult of moves with ease.

She's subscribed to fifteen different tabloid subscriptions. She likes to read them and criticize the stupidity of the human race, like her father. Hey, it's hereditary.

The lights in her boobies glow in the dark. They also glow whenever she gets tired.

She likes reading furniture and gardening catalogues. She's judgy of the prices though and usually becomes a full-on critic with Lefty listening.

She owns a crab named Mr. Tootie. No I will not elaborate on the name. I'll only tell you that it's taken a liking to kazoos and party favours.

She's listed as the No. 1 Best Fan of her father's social media accounts. Michael's in nineteenth place but don't worry, he's as emotionless as a mushroom.

She likes to make origami lotuses. She's such a pro at it that she's even got a mini-stall at the pizzeria: 1 lotus for 50 cents. It's a lucrative business, and it's still growing. Oh, and she switches to other origami works of art every week such as origami guns and origami nine-tailed foxes.

She's the Restaurant Rescue manager. Usually she saves kids from trouble. For this reason, yes, she's commonly seen in the pizzeria itself. Kids love her though the claw worries the more irksome parents.

She's a professional Karen dealer. Karen comes to see the manager? She's hypnotically talented in weaving her words through the toughest of craniums so don't be surprised if a Karen walks out with a new viewpoint of life.

She performs on stage on the occasion, which usually gets her a lot of fan love. She cherishes everything good they give but ignores the problematic everythings. Problematic stuff? Oh, she's good friends with the police chief.

Molten Freddy

He loves noodles. Give him a bowl of ramen and he'll shut up for the entire night. Enter him in a noodle-eating competition and his high metabolism rate means absolutely non-stop spaghetti.

He misses Bon-Bon very much. To the point where he's even tried to make a scrap version of him. Sadly, it doesn't work. He cried that day.

He dies inside whenever he finds out there's a spaghetti shortage in Utah. Poor Molten.

He's a bit wonky, but if he tries to play with you or get into your personal space, don't get mad at him! He's just lonely and wants someone to talk to and play with.

He likes to play Exploding Kittens. It's the only card game he's good at. It's also the only card game he owns.

He sees Helpy as a little brother and boops his nose on a daily basis. He also likes to reenact The Lion King with him (It's the ciiiiiircle of liiiiiife~). Hopefully Helpy doesn't mind.

He knows a lot of jokes in a lot of languages. So German-speaking Molten Freddy wouldn't be too far away from expectation. His favourite jokes are in French though; the wordplay is just immaculate.

He's good in French, English, German, Russian, and Malay. He's currently learning Japanese because he's a mega weeb.

His favourite cartoon is Charlie and Lola. He just likes to see the sibling shenanigans as it somehow reminds him of the good old days.

His favourite shows would be prankster shows. He especially loves the ones that give him new and creative ideas. He doesn't like the scary ones though. They make him feel unsafe and give him anxiety.

Surprisingly, he has a distinct taste for opera. He can modulate the remnants of his voice box to perfectly sing I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General. This both pisses off and impresses Henry to an extent.

Resident Evil 8

Lady Dimitrescu

She might act like the opposite but she really loves Heisenberg as her little brother. His determination, strength, speed, dexterity, and workaholic nature impresses her, who can't even fit through a doorway. She sometimes wishes she's as short as him too.

She's an avid collector of glass, porcelain, and anything fragile. It's a good reason to always be careful where you tread in her lair. She'll make you swallow every last shard if you don't.

She's an avid romance fanatic and is very loving towards the romance novels she owns. All those books you see in the in-game library? They're her collection of lesbian romances that she's collected over the past decades.

She doesn't like hats and prefers to stick to the one she wears in-game. She DOES have a collection of hats though. Last anyone counted, there were over fifty, one or two for each decade she's lived through.

She files her nails on a constant basis and owns an ornately decorated nail-clipper. Hygeine is of the utmost importance. She doesn't want to be compared to that filthy Heisenberg.

Despite her size and carefulness she keeps losing her stuff. Over the course of a week she could misplace three wine glasses, two reading glasses, and fifteen bottles of wine.

She's an expert at dodgeball and golf and even owns a lifetime access to the most prolific Country Club in Romania. With permission from Mother Miranda she goes there every year for the yearly party. It's one of the times she gets to see modernity (and Ed Sheeran) at its finest.

She loves bands from the 1920s and 1940s. However, she gets bored of them occasionally and switches them to something more modern, like Ed Sheeran. Seriously though, what is up with mums and Ed?

She's into executions and torture methods. So it's no surprise that she's a HUGE fan of Horrible Histories; even if she can't watch the show, she'll binge-read the books over and over again. She's even had the chance to encounter (and receive an autograph from) Terry Deary. They have sworn a bond not to tell anybody about this.

She loves exotic animals like anacondas and jaguars. She may or may not have owned a 10ft long Saltwater Crocodile (which was also about 5ft wide).

She's an incredible physicist and mathematician. She's also created many original formulae but unsurprisingly, she doesn't tell anyone about them, for fear that either more people may know of her, or that she may be wrong.

Dimitrescu Babes

They can devour an entire human being in mere seconds as flies. It's sort of like the scarab beetles in The Mummy movies. However, unlike the beetles, they are able to strip the bones as well. They leave nothing behind.

They all know how to play the piano with varying levels of success. Daniela can already play professionally while Bela is still stuck on Grade 5.

They love to listen to their mother when she tells them stories. Gotta hand it to 'em, when you're a fly, you know how to enjoy life in its most simple of moments.

They all love being around the hunky Soldats of Uncle Karl. Fortunately, they don't know of the rebellious plan to conquer Miranda.

Bela is bisexual, Cassandra is asexual and pansexual, and Daniela is demisexual.

It gets hard when you're a fly during the summer. If it's not the lizards, spiders, and other predators, it's the heat. Because of this, despite the material waste, they have invented the world's first blood-powered air conditioner.

The three girls have never ever ever touched a stove or oven in their life. They HAVE touched the hot end of an iron though. A good reason to not touch a bloody oven. Alcina has though, but doesn't tell them that.

They love puppies! Uncle Karl brought them a baby labrador. For the rest of the week Alcina had lost quite a bit of favour from them. Not that they minded of course. IT'S A PUPPY.

They don't like snow one bit. Not just because it's cold, but because it's too white. Too bright. Too shiny. They just can't focus on their prey!

They like to go over to Auntie Donna to play with Angie. Well, you know what they say, crazies attract the crazies, and the crazy has attracted the crazies.

They also like to go to Uncle Moreau's because he's the only one in the village with a PS4. Usually they'd spend about three-quarters of a day playing his games and eating his cheese.

Karl Heisenberg

He owns a dark blue armchair named Junkyard. Despite the name, he loves it dearly because it was a gift from Alcina for his twenty-first birthday. It became part of his final transformation too. Right under the hat.

He's a little blind in the right eye, much to his annoyance. It was a minor accident with Sturm; another reason for him to hate the uncontrollable wretch. He'll never live that day down.

Somehow, he sees better in the dark, which is why he wears such tinted glasses. He also wears them to hide his expressions, since, more often than not, he tends to end up wearing his heart on his sleeve, and his emotions in his eyes.

He's under a lot of pressure so it's no surprise that he breaks down in his factory when he knows he's alone. And by break down I mean crumple into an exhausted heap on the floor. Not even his Soldat Jet squad can wake him up until he's had a reasonable eight hours of rest.

He bathes once a day, every evening, but only three times a week. Perfume, tobacco, and cologne keep care of the rest.

He's the only Lord with a daily contact with the outside world due to his electrical abilities. Don't tell Miranda, but he can electrically CONNECT TO GOOGLE AND THE ENTIRE INTERNET IN GENERAL. He likes to play funny YouTube cat videos in his head when Miranda's having a boring meeting. It's also how he finds out that Chris is a boulder-punching asshole.

He does stimming! He likes to tap his fingers on his desk and the metal rails in his factory. He also buys stim toys from the Duke and keeps them in a well-kept box. His favourite is a non-ripping squishable toy duck. He also sings to chill out.

He's absolutely in the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, and may have once believed in the pizzeria's existence. Come on, he's a mutated Overlord with magical magnet powers. Children souls stuck inside animatronics isn't too far-fetched of an idea. His favourite characters are the Funtimes and the Scraps, mainly because of the blueprint complexity. He HAS tried to replicate the animatronics in his spare time, but he's usually too busy with his Soldats so the project gets scrapped. He loves The Living Tombstone's songs and remixes though.

He doesn't like William Afton at all (though he marvels at his survivability). William's nature and habits remind him of Mother Miranda. He DOES however enjoy Michael Afton and often thinks how it would be absolutely amazing to have that resilient being in his Soldat army.

He's scared of what lurks below the watery depths and fire. Ironic because his brother is a literal fish and he works in one of the most hazardous fire-conducting environments. He's also scared of heights, though he doesn't get airsick.

He once died due to a killing electric shock whilst working on Sturm. It's the only time he's felt that sort of pulsing agony and also the first time he's had the confirmation that yes, Hell is real and yes, he'll end up in quite a dark pit in it. Or it could've been an electric dream, who knows? Anyways his soul apparently ran towards the opposite direction of the flames and he woke up alive after the passing of FIVE ENTIRE WEEKS. Oh boy did Alcina get worried when she couldn't find him.

Thank you for the ask! I hope you enjoy!

[aerialsquid]

Noodling Part VI: Tsukuda Gets Schooled

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Note: One more chapter to go after this unless something unthinkable happens - I’ll eventually be popping it up all up on AO3 as well, once someone’s had a chance to take a look at it for betaing.

--

Aizawa waited inside the dark supply closet for one of Might Agency's many conference rooms. Yagi was huddled next to him, hunched with his face turned away, a gesture Aizawa recognized as 'trying to hide emotion unsuitable for my public image'.

Through the crack of the door hinge he could see the main conference room door open, and a young man in a Might Agency namebadge and polo shirt escorted in Tsukuda Jidai. The man was slender, much like his daughter, and wore a suit that was as expensive as it was completely boring.

"Even with the recent setbacks, All Might's still one of our favorite clients," Tsukuda was saying with a bright but not overly amused customer-service smile. "It's always an honor to come down here and see what he's built."

The young man escorting Tsukuda chuckled. "Really, that's so kind of you to say. I'll make sure he hears that you mentioned that."

Aizawa's hand found Yagi's long fingers and briefly intertwined with them. He didn't look down, but he felt the taller man's muscles untense ever so slightly at his touch.

"I always think it's important to have heroes who show strong moral fiber and set an example for the populace. It doesn't just protect us, it inspires us to be better people."

"I couldn't agree more, Mr. Tsukuda. Would you please take a seat?"

You're making marketing deals with All Might's agency with your right hand and jerking it to him with your left hand. Nice life you've got set up for yourself, asshole.

Aizawa met Yagi's piercing blue eyes, two points of shimmering sapphire light glinting in the darkness, and gave a nod.Yagi took in as deep a breath as possible, squeezed Aizawa's hand once more, and then released it.

He twisted open the door and stepped out, bending his head slightly to get through the doorway. "Then your actions are particularly puzzling, Mr. Tsukuda!" he boomed, with all the booming he could get out of his tight chest.

"Um. What." Tsukuda's eyes drifted from Yagi's sharp, impossible to miss face to the sullen-eyed black-clad man beside him. This time, Aizawa felt no shame in basking in the panic his appearance brought.

"Creating material intended as blackmail for myself and my colleague. That's quite a villain move! Perhaps I have not been setting a good example if I led you to feel that was acceptable."

"Or perhaps he's just a very poor student," chirped the third person to emerge from the storage closet. Principal Nezu hopped up onto one of the conference room chairs and used it as leverage to clamber onto the table. He was dressed in one of his nicer sweater vests and a tasteful red tie. The soles of his loafers made little squeaks as he crossed the span of the conference table.

Tsukuda jerked back from Nezu into his plush rolling office chair, hands clamping on the armrests. "I...I have no idea what you're talking about. Ha ha! Blackmail, what? That's ridiculous. Who would blackmail you? Do you have any proof of it?"

"Not just proof, but a witness."

"What? Witness? How?"

"I think you might recognize me better like this." The young man who'd escorted Tsukuda in stood up. His fingers dug into his face and ran over his slicked-back blonde scalp, tugging flesh and hair upward until they formed All Might's shining facade and iconic antennae.

"Watashi ga kita, bitch," said Samejima with a thousand-watt grin.

"Please don't say that with my face."

"Sorry, All Might."

Mr. Tsukuda went pale. One arm wrapped around himself as he struggled for breath, surrounded by people who were experts at the glare of shame. (And Nezu, who had his own brand of 'disappointed dad' expression that was all the more painful for being on such a cute face.)

"I...I don't…" He bowed low in his seat, hugging himself tightly. "I'm so sorry, I never...I had no intention of injuring your reputation, All Might! It was a mistake, an impulse!"

"Would you offer that same apology to Aizawa?" Yagi rumbled.

"I--" He looked at Aizawa, who looked like he'd bite the man's fingers off for trying it. "It was...I had no other option! He's doing a terrible job and they wouldn't fire him! He ruined my daughter's life! There was no other way to make him pay, to make him stop before he ruined someone else."

Aizawa snorted. He stayed in place, arms folded, derisive. "Oh, don't pretend this is charity. When was the last time you even spoke to your daughter, Tsukuda?"

Tsukuda pointed accusingly at him and rolled the office chair back further. "She could have been a great hero, a famous hero, and you ruined her!"

"Do you know what the mortality rate is for heroes under thirty, Mr. Tsukuda? The suicide rate? The rate of career ending injuries? The percentage currently experiencing untreated PTSD?"

Tsukuda paused, taken aback. Aizawa didn't give him time to get in another jab.

"My job as a teacher is to make my students into functional pro heroes. Your job is to make your child into a happy, healthy adult. If I had succeeded at my job with Jiodo, you'd have failed at yours. You put the prestige of being a hero over what would make her content in life, and then you threw a hissy fit when I wasn't an accessory to it."

"She could have done it," Tsukuda hissed through gritted teeth.

"She could have. And she didn't. Deal with it like a damn adult - she's managed to."

A tiny soft paw rested on Aizawa's forearm, quieting him. Nezu, all pleasant smiles and soft edges, took another step forward. His hands came to rest behind his back.

"Do you know what I am, Mr. Tsukuda?"

Tsukuda stared at him, and rolled his chair over to put more of the table between him and Aizawa's glower. "Um. You're the principal of UA?" he offered weakly, looking Nezu up and down.

"Haha! Technically correct but no! I mean, do you know my species?"

"Your. Um. Your what?"

Nezu laughed, resting his hands on his hips. "Honestly, I'm not sure myself. There's a few different strains in me, and genetically speaking I'm really an entirely new species. Fascinating, isn't it?"

"Um. Uh. Yes, sir?"

"There was a long period where I opted to pass as a heteromorphic human, for the sake of easing my path in the world, but I have since come to a greater comfort in expressing what I am." He patted his chest with confidence. "As you might expect, dealing with people who are very concerned about their societal standing and preferred to avoid dealing even with a human who was short and furry has brought me a lot of trouble over the years.  And I do somewhat understand. I've been in your place, I've also had significant concerns with UA's curriculum and strategy in the past. Do you know what I did about it?"

"N...no?" Tsukuda clearly had no idea where this conversation was going, but was helpless to pull himself out of its flow. The teachers under his rule had learned a long time ago that it was helpless to resist when he got into a monologue.

Nezu laughed again and struck a small pose, arms raised like a company mascot. "I became the principal. Ha ha, how about that?" His arms dropped again, and he moved forward until he was nearly nose to adorable nose with Tsukuda.

"There is only so much I can do. Pro hero is a dangerous, violent job, and by necessity the training for it is rigorous. And I am, if not human, only mortal. I make mistakes, and not small ones either. But I want UA above all to be a place where our students can feel wanted and safe - because they are going to graduate into a world that is becoming more dangerous every day, and they're going to do it in a career that puts a massive target on each of their backs. For that, what I care about are teachers who have been where those students will one day be, and who can bring that wisdom to bear. Teachers who are intelligent, driven, and kind but still strict--and teachers who know when the kindest thing to do for a student is cut them down before a villain cuts them down in the field. Or worse."

Aizawa faintly remembered Nezu joking, during a staff excursion to a bar, that running UA was part of his secret long-term world domination scheme. Teach the children up right, the children become adults, the adults run the world as they were taught to do as children. Perhaps it had been meant as a joke, but there was some underlying truth to it. Nezu was dissatisfied with the world he had been birthed into and largely distrusted the humans who controlled it. Being a teacher let him, in some small way, begin to change it.

"The only reputation I'm concerned about," Nezu continued. "Is our reputation as a competent educational facility. Even if it were real footage, and even if you had made it public, there was nothing on that recording you sent us that compromises their integrity as teachers. "

That's not somehow a ringing endorsement of your porn, Samejima, thought Aizawa, shooting a brief glance at the pornographer. Stop looking proud of that statement.

"Not that you will be making it public," Yagi broke in. "If you do, our mutual acquaintance has promised to in turn make public the payments you've made to him, and the saved records of all messages sent between you. It seems you didn't stumble over a person who made this type of video by accident. A very naughty habit for a married man, Mr. Tsukuda."

Tsukuda's eyes bulged in horror. "But...he'd be exposed too! The world would know his secret!" He grabbed at his chest, as if experiencing a heart attack at the very thought of it. "He'd never be able to work again!"

"Unlike you, Mr. 'All Most' has moral standards that go beyond his need to maintain his career. He is willing to take that penalty in exchange for ensuring that truth and justice are maintained." He patted Samejima on the shoulder. Samejima's grin widened so far that the ends of it nearly met around the back of his head.

"And in exchange for such kindness, any legal repercussions for Mr. All Most due to his courageous actions will be handled by my personal legal team. I'm no expert, but I am told they are the best money can hire."

Tsukuda cowered down into himself. "I'm so, so sorry. I have always had the highest of respect for--"

"Please, no more lies. You objectified and fetishized the body that I had, but used this body to humiliate me and my coworker for petty revenge. You thought someone loving me would be humiliating for both of us. That someone loving this body would be seen as disgusting."

"I prefer skinnier men anyway. Not into the muscle look." Almost immediately, Aizawa regretted opening his mouth. He'd hoped that Tsukuda's panicked mind wouldn't be able to grasp the deeper meaning, but no such luck. Tsukda gaped at the both of them, fingers digging into his arms.

"Wait. Wait, you are. Wait. No. What?"

Eh, screw it. Aizawa kept his eyes off Yagi as he spoke, rage simmering under his veins. The horror on Tsukuda's face was like sweet, sweet necter of the gods. "You really had no idea, did you? The most terrible, shameful fate you could come up with was the truth. What a small, petty man you are. I can't imagine such a life, focused on rigid societal goals...if I gave a damn about that, I wouldn't be where I am now."

Tsukuda looked to Nezu for support, expecting the principal to share his horror, but found no solace. In desperation he looked to Samejima (why he thought there'd be sympathy there was anyone's guess) but saw only giddy glee on the man's rubbery face. Then, reluctantly, he looked to Yagi.

Yagi was smiling. Not with that big, All Might trademarked grin that was plastered on at least one poster in every room of the building, but a gentle, nostalgic smile that softened his angular features. For a moment, he was looking at Aizawa as if Aizawa was the only man in the room who could see him.

"And I count myself lucky that he didn't."