#I don't know if any of that can be blamed on the kinshift‚ actually‚ but I'm doing it anyway!

[blackmesa-vr]

🥊🏆

[dsmpkinfessions]

(tw for vague descriptions of hallucinating and paranoia. To be clear, I'm talking about my kin but the kin shift in general triggers due to my diagnosis, which I will not go into more specifically, paranoia and hallucinations. Yes this vent maybe sounds bad but I'm going to therapy, I'm safe, I need to get this out in an anonymous way nevertheless though or else I might, not literally, suffocate on it. I hope I don't cross any rules- I read them three times in a row and can't remember a single one, if I do let me know please.)

the beginning of these kinshifts always suck. I'll be absolutely paranoid, so afraid that he'll show up behind me, grab me, take me away, put me to sleep for months again so he can be with me without any distractions, never let me go again. I barely escaped last time, what if he gets me now? I know technically it's not possible...but what if? He's a god after all. Ugh, it just plays right into the more exhausting parts of my diagnosis. I can't sleep, I can hardly leave the house, I can't be alone. Everywhere I go I just see his stupid smile and it's driving me mad. I'm so sick of it, I wish I could get a few days off to take care of myself but it's nearly valentine's Day and I'm working at a flower shop so that's impossible. Guess I'll just push through, always on the run from that pair of godly eyes watching my every step.

Valentine's Day..I never liked that day much, I thought it's quite a cliché but Dream always liked it. He gifted me flowers every year, before Tommy, before the discs, before L'Manberg, before everything just fucking went downhill. Sometimes I blame them for ruining what I had but I actually know that's not fair.

I honestly can't tell who's worse, Dream or XD.

Dream played me like a banjo, used me as a puppet for his war, used my trust and love for his own selfish goals. And then I just asked a tiny question about his plan, I got punished. physically abused.

XD was...well, at least loving as long as I didn't made him angry. Dream was just angry with me the whole time, it was a nice vibe change to actually feel loved again. Though, when I tried to wake up he abused me as well. I didn't sleep so long because I wanted to.

It was an endless circle. Dream got me out of XD's grasp but then I was Dream's puppet again, making me realize he didn't learn. I was handed around like a toy, I was nothing but a little doll to them they could shove around as they pleased.

No wonder I got angry after some time but do you think I ever got free? And even now I don't feel free though neither of them is here! I'm actually free, I'm actually alone but I can't believe it, I still think they're everywhere, waiting for the right moment to strike me down.

I hope you feel any regret for doing this to me, for making me a goddamn mess.

-gogy