#I don't have any of the neurological symptoms but damn have I breathed through a lot of pain

[helloamhere]

Grappling with the fact that exhaustion-from-survival is not, it turns out, something you can RUSH

Grappling with the fact that I really was more ill than I've ever been in my life before and perhaps I still am

Grappling with the shame. Trying to replace my shame with different takeout shame and getting told WE HAVE SHAME AT HOME but mom I don't even LIKE shame

Grappling with the fact that I've come out of hospitals both hating and loving people a whole lot more? I can't predict which people? I saw one of your usernames and cried about it (I remember every time you were kind!). I have a doctor come into the room specifically to do something for me and I hate him so much I feel like a dog that's about to bite somebody's hand off and even the dog people will be like ok, maybe not that dog

Grappling with missing writing not like a poignant sadness but like a hole in my head

Grappling with the fact that I am still me

[inactivefollow-blog]

I can add two personal stories to this: I have outdoor allergies but my first (he dropped me) allergist wanted to take me off all foods but fresh veggies and fruit. I'm poor. I can't afford that. When my mom took me to another to get tested, which led to my first dropping me, I found out he was misdiagnosing me. My new allergist said it was possibly because I was fat and was eating harmful foods. We talked, I'm eating healthily for my weight.

Which leads me to: I'm fat because I have an autonomic system disorder. (Any system that I can't consciously control is affected.) I have had this my whole life. I was only diagnosed with this two days years ago. Everytime I went into an ER for symptoms of my disorder, I was told to lose weight. I can't lose weight all that well because HORMONES are part of those autonomic systems. (You know, the endocrine system?) Even now, my main doctor for all this says I need to lose weight because the stress on all those systems puts me at risk for an early heart attack (I turned 18 this year and have been seeing this doctor for a little bit before my 17th birthday). I don't know how to work through the neurological pain I got through simply breathing to work out to lose what weight I can with the hormonal issues I face.

Those are two instances in which I could have died because some asshole thought it was alright to misdiagnose me all because I'm overweight. REMEMBER ALL PEOPLE INVOLVED IN BOTH SITUATIONS WERE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

And then there was the one time my whole school thought I was whining because I packed a pain tolerance due to me next doing shit because of how heavyset I was. I broke my arm, one of the times this happened. Another, I had a bruise on my thigh that was three inches wide and six inches long.

It isn't just doctors who wrong people who are heavy. I was discriminated and told to walk off the fall that bruised my thigh or shut the hell up, I'm inside when I broke my wrist. That it was my fault I hurt myself falling both times. I'm heavy, it wasn't anyone else's fault. My weight added to the force on my injuries.

It wasn't the kid who pulled one of my legs off a raised bar I was hanging off of (no hands, just legs) so they could shake the damn thing that bruised me. No, it was my weight.

It wasn't the kid who, not saying to me to watch out, diver behind me for a ball and tripped me when I was trying to move backwards fast (out of range of the opposing team). No, it was just my weight landing on my arm that broke it.

Neither of those situations would have happened if those kids did things differently. Like ask me to get off so they could play or tell me to watch out so I didn't trip. But I got blamed for both and yelled at/had my pain ignored because I was a heavyset little kid who got hurt badly during playtime.

Fat shaming doesn't have to be on the media or through spoken words, and can be silent too. Done in actions rather than words.

This girl on Facebook is trying to argue that, as a skinny person, being told to “eat a cheeseburger” is the same as being fat shamed.

Okay so you feel bad for just a sec. Then you can open a magazine and see your body type depicted as the ideal.

Meanwhile a fat person gets bodyshamed literally every second we exist. We have MORALLY FAILED bc of our size. We face systematic oppression bc of it. We’re more likely to die due to medical neglect/misdiagnosis.

I’m sorry your feelings were hurt? But grow up. It’s not the same.