#I don’t wanna refer myself to the nhs one

[mostlykind]

the call with the doctor was so useless 😭 he just referred me to the nhs talking therapies which is genuinely sooooo bad I’m not bothered for it

[chattegeorgiana]

Do you think it is a social phenomenon that the majority of SS fans are women?the ship has serious problems like mistreatment and attempted murder between Sakura and Sasuke and Sakura looks obsessive about chasing after a guy who rejected her multiple times and who treats her like shit but those fans always justify those actions of him and because Sasuke was considered twice in the entire manga then the other horrible acts of him do not matter to them.Why do you think this phenomenon would be?

I think it is. I think it's comparable to the social phenomenon we saw happening with 50 shades of gray for example.

In essence, they are terrible love stories. But people are drawn to it because well... you know that all saying?

Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll sell.

But no, really... While in 50 shades of gray the reasoning for which people fell for it it's different, in SS's case it's something different. Of course, there are 2 ways to view this. I'll look at the feminine side, since this is the one we're talking about.

In the feminine angle, it's that old traditional view that has been ingrained into women over and over again for aeons: that she's the one who needs to fix him, no matter his behavior. You don't wanna see how many cases as this I've seen over the years.

Big bad guy that can be saved by the power of love, as if that's all you need in a relationship. To hell with dynamics that work together. That's thrown under the bus. Or be accountable for your own actions and understand that it's not your job to fix someone else's behavior.

It's their own job - if it's the case of fixing in the first place.

But this angle does deeper, like I said in the beginning. It has its roots in this ingrained belief that has been offered to women for years and years and they still continue to do so in the media. Gladly, the world is changing, but still.

That kind of view is dangerous.

But because it's been ingrained for such a long while into the collective feminine, it's hard for even young girls to see that this thing is not okay. Because that's what the environment they are born in, raised and live shows them - you're a woman, thus, you need to respect your man and love him and fix him no matter what shit he does.

That's so outdated.

Another issue that's prevalent here is something that I don't know how many understand. It's actually something I discovered myself while watching a Tony Robbins coaching session.

He said this: rejection breeds obsession. That's when I understood best SS's dynamics and the reason people stuck to it so much.

It was something I was under myself when I first shipped them as I got into the fandom.

I didn't even realized it until years later.

Sasuke rejected Sakura's love multiple times. That's what turned her into this obsessive character. And I know I have some people that stalk my profile and are gonna come at me with all kinds of name calling, but... I'm sorry, even Kishimoto himself called Sakura obsessed over Sasuke in an interview after The Last.

When discussing about the love between NH & NS Kishi says:

“That’s right. But Sakura is addicted to Sasuke.” (laugh) “The reason why Hinata came to like Naruto is clear, but I’ve deliberately avoided writing down the reason why Sakura came to like Sasuke.” (laugh) “That’s because somehow, I had the feeling that it would conversely end up sounding contrived.”

And that's when I understood why.

Obsession and addiction are pretty much sisters in nature. Granted, there are slight differences between them, but their core is very similar: they stem from another deep seated issue. Something you can't make peace with. Something that is lacking in you thus you become addicted to it and obsessed in order to fill that void.

And I think I know what's in the case of Sakura, but I'll refrain from talking about now cuz I'm using it as a plot for Kaika. :D

But the point still stands: Sakura had a void inside of her that she tried to fill it with her 'love' for Sasuke. Only that she got rejected by him, and thus she became obsessed with the idea of Sasuke. With her idea of him though, rather than who he truly was.

Because you know what's interesting to observe as well? This is also based on what Tony Robbins said.

The full quote is this: Rejection breeds obsession, and whatever you resist persists.

I'm going to refer to the second part here. Whatever you resist, persists.

Well, in this case, she resisted the idea of the Sasuke who wanted to go to Orochimaru. Who chose that. But for as much as she resisted the idea (which is another way to say rejecting the idea), that state of affairs continued to persist.

Sasuke still went to Orochimaru. Even her declaration of love couldn't stop him.

Of course, this quote was said in a different context, but thinking about it in depth, you can see how it can be transposed to this.

So I think, in a way, the reason it so much persisted in the fandom was because many of the female fans identified with this side of Sakura, so they fell under the same trap the character did.

So you see, it's a rather complex situation here.

It's a deep seated issue which to resolve, you'd have to come to terms with. And to do that, there's a lot of introspection necessary.

Which I always wonder WHY it lacked on Sakura whenever it came to Sasuke, but when it was in terms of Naruto, she had a lot.

Well, I think it was there to show us something else, but then we got the ending that we got so then those themes were out the window.

It's a shame though.

Being a piece of media with a high focus on bonds, we could've had such great messages and lessons, yet it ended the way it did which isn't telling the right message at all.

But oh well, it is what it is.

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

[buildarocketboys]

It's just absolutely fucking infuriating and baffling that there's no mechanism in the UK (as far as I know, and certainly nothing widespread or advertised as available) to contact your GP by email/text/some kind of chat service

Like. I used to work in a call centre and the vast majorities of queries we'd get would be through email. We would literally be so much more productive and be able to solve issues so much more quickly through email bc you don't have to listen to someone ramble before they get to the point (been there but it's not super helpful) or deal with customers being assholes or just generally emotional panicky human beings. You can just scan the email, understand the issue, and reply. We'd probably answer 10x the amount of emails in a day than calls, and yes some of that is back and forth but most queries or issues are fairly straightforward everyday stuff.

While obviously patient-doctor interactions aren't necessarily directly comparable, it does seem like just having this possibility would offer flexibility for both patients and doctors, and would actually make shit accessible to people like @queerautism who literally CANNOT do phone calls and people like me who find it extremely difficult to a) make phone calls (bc executive dysfunction and anxiety) and b) verbally argue and fight for my issues to be taken seriously if I'm challenged

Like jfc I just wanna get referred for a fucking autism diagnosis but if I even manage to make myself a telephone appointment I'm so scared that I'll be semi verbal or won't know how much detail to give and probably not give enough bc there's So Much and there's only a certain allotted amount of time. And if the gp is like 'I don't think you're autistic so I'm not going to refer you, I probably won't be able to argue with that verbally. And then the conversation will end and I'll be back at square one. Or they'll tell me to go somewhere else (idk if this would happen, just a possibility) but I'm bad at taking information in on the phone so I might forget/not note it properly or if I have to make another phone call I probably just...won't.

Whereas if I can email etc I can outline my traits and why I think I'm autistic, I can include a document with more detail which the gp can go through or not, I'm at least semi more likely to be able to stand up for myself, and any further steps I needed to take would be written down and therefore actually exist for me to take action with when I'm ready to.

(And yes I know setting stuff like this up costs hella money and the NHS is underfunded af, that's an entirely different issue, but it seems like they're fucking stuck 20 years in the past and it makes the system seriously inaccessible in multiple ways)

[promiseimnotacop]

let's go about this a different way: pick your fave ten questions from the trans journey ask game and answer them!

bold of you to assume I’ve ever managed to make a decision in my life. also warning this gonna be looooooong

from this ask game

1. How did you choose your name? 

so I’ve always been interested in names and a couple years before i ever came out to anyone I asked my mum casually if there were any other names she’d considered giving me. She said that Finn or Finnbar were up there had I “”been born a boy”” and so I latched on to that. It worked pretty well for me because I wanted something that felt like an equivalent exchange for my birthname and that I didn’t associate strongly with a particular individual and I’d never had a Finn in my year at school so that was all hunky dory. Took me a while longer to figure out middle names (because my birthname has two middle names and it’s sort of a tradition on my dad’s side so I wanted to have those). 

There was a hot minute when I considered calling myself “Hugo Finn” which I’m so glad I didn’t, not that it is objectively a bad name, but because my reasoning was erm....bad. It was at a time when I had a lot of internalised self hatred/disgust and the name Hugo I first came across and associated heavily with the morally ambiguous “freak” from ASOUE. At the time I thought using a name I associated so heavily with the word freak was a way of subverting negative feelings but tbh it wasn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t tether myself that negativity. 

Also fun fact, my birthname is Shakespearean protagonist who spends most of the play dressed as a boy so again for a hot second I considered using the name she does, Fidele, but I wasn’t about having a super conspicuously uncommon name. 

For middle names in the end I went for James Lee (though nothing is legal or set in stone feedback and opinions are welcome lol). Lee came first, after the river in my village that I have a lot of postive memories associated with, outside of all the gender bullshit. The problem then became that the name “Finn Lee” would sound like/get mistaken for “Finley” and “Finnbar Lee” would sound like “Finn Barley” which would be eccentric and confusing. So it needed a buffer. In the end I went for James, partly because the first middle name of my given name is a saint, but mostly because James can be Jim and that allows for some of my childhood nicknames (im jim jam, imbo jimbo) to sort of still apply. that was a long answer to a short question lol but I spent a lot of time thinking about this because for some reason I felt  like I couldn’t come out until I’d already settled on a full name. 

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

I don’t think they’re separable. I have dysphoria about my body but it is because of societal perceptions of my body

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

depends on how savvy that person is to trans jargon honestly. The best, if clunky, label I’ve found for my gender is “transmasculine non-binary” which is two different quite broad umbrella terms lol. I like the looseness of it. For me personally, it means that the framework of masculinity and maleness is not an exact fit and does not cover some of the complexities of my gender but, in my daily interactions it is a close enough approximation and I do desire to pursue parts of what might be considered a “trans masculine” medical transition. For the most part masculine coded language (including he/him pronouns) is what suits me the best, with only a few particular exceptions. So, for most of the world I am functionally “a man” (even though that is one of the few bits of masculine coded language I don’t gel with), or maybe “a gender non-conforming man” and I am not gonna split hairs about that if we aren’t close. 

But if we’re seriously getting into a chat about gender there’s a lot more to be said. If drawing a diagram of my gender I would say I’m about 55% male, 30% “other”/third gender/maverique/genderqueer/whatever you want to call a gender identity autonomous and seperate from male or female, and 15% nothing/void. And all of that is subject to fluctuate a bit and which parts I might connect with most can be slightly contextual. I am more “a man” than anything else but also pretending to be a binary man is cutting out a significant part. 

12. Do you pass?

Let’s unpack the most Problematique question lol. Just kidding. It is important to acknowledge how “passing” or not effects daily safety/experiences but....god can we not use that word? Can that not be the agreed upon term? The implication that you are otherwise “failing”? The way in which it is incredibly difficult to apply to no-binary people? The way it does not acknowledge the nuances and the way that being read as a certain gender can be conditional? 

I prefer to use the terms “read as” because it allows for more nuanced discussion, does not have moralistic implications, puts the onus on the people viewing - not the individual being viewed and is kinda intuitive to understand.

To answer the question though? For the most part (like maybe 80% of the time) I am read as male. By no means always, and it is conditional on me following a certain level of gender conformity, but for the most part I interact with the world being addressed as a guy. As someone who is very much pre-t it seems that this alone subverts the standard “trans narrative”. Hell I was mostly read as male for a while before I ever came out. I’ve been corrected and laughed at in the women’s bathrooms. I’ve been harassed for gender nonconformity not in spite of but because I was wearing “girl’s” uniform. I have had fellow trans people assume I was a cis man (on more than one occasion) even when I introduced myself by my very much feminine birthname. I have little kids point blank refuse to believe I am “a girl”. I have had strangers confront and correct my mum for addressing me with she/her pronouns (before I was out). I have had kids yell the T slur at me (before I had begun to learn the invisible rules - which to be totally clear are bullshit -that need to be followed in order to be more consistently and unerringly read as male). I’ve been read as male occasionally in contexts where it was impossible for me to be out (near strangers on holiday whilst using birthname, new teachers and students at a school i’d been at since I was 11 and worn “girl’s uniform” until 16, etc).

It’s by no means always though. Which makes the times I don’t difficult and awkward. The technician on my course refers to me with feminine language but none of my tutors. The other day I tried out wearing eye shadow to class and I guy I bumped into later said that he hadn’t recognised me because it made me look like a girl (cringe). etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

haha i don’t go. I literally haven’t been to the men’s bathroom (apart from once on holiday) but also i get harassed in the women’s/get directed towards the men’s so.....here’s to hoping I don’t get a UTI lads. Literally been in a public loos once since June (not including holiday abroad) and then i nipped into the disabled one during shark week. 

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

so at the beginning of uni I sort of tried to go stealth to see if I could/if it was comfortable (and by go stealth I mostly mean I just didn’t openly talk about my trans-ness for a while). I didn’t wanna be known as ‘the trans one’ and so i didn’t want to introduce myself with that fact. It fucking sucked would not recommend 0/10. It’s incredibly lonely-making to try and filter your experiences and to not be able to discuss certain issues with anyone irl. 

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I used to do this thing when I was feeling particularly dysphoric/hopeless where I would draw myself now, and myself in 5 years time. Help construct something to look forward to, and work out what I would sincerely like to wear/express but don’t due to dysphoria. For me I really want to get to a place where I am comfortable in androgyny. I want to grow my hair out without sacrificing being read as male. I want to wear long skirts and crop tops whilst still being read and understood as a guy. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I don’t think I can get to the place of being comfortable until I have had top surgery and I might also require T (though top surgery is really the necessity for my day to day life). Fingers crossed that will be possible and slightly healed within 5 years but given the NHS it really is not certain. 

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

T4T is self care. Jk. Honestly probably but that’s not to say a cis person couldn’t be my ideal partner? like at any rate it’s fucking necessary that my partner fully understands/perceives me to not be a woman. They could just be cis and no. 1 ally but in all likeliness they’re probably gonna be trans (particularly given the number trans and/or nb cuties out there)

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

I’m not managing. Send help.

seriously every week I have a break down about how long NHS wait times are.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I’m an art student in Brighton. Yes. 

(Also my sibling Sumner is an NB lesbian, and my childhood best friend Hunter is NB). 

Literally going to be one cis person in my house of six next year. 

[ollyarchive]

Olly Alexander on harnessing the power of sexual fantasy in pop

The Years & Years frontman talks about owning his queer sexuality in the mainstream and writing a twisted disco album about ‘holy wood’

Owen Myers

9 March 2018

“It’s like my Rihanna Loud era,” declares Olly Alexander, before breaking into a laugh. The Years & Yearsfrontman is referring to his cropped curly hair, which is freshly coloured to the hue of a nice Merlot. It’s a cold February evening, and he’s puffing on a roll-up while huddled in the fire exit doorway of a Camden venue. His new dye job has to be kept under wraps, he explains, until its official unveiling in the band’s new video. “It’s so stupid,” Olly says with an eye roll. He then flashes me a grin, suggesting that this moment of starry subterfuge is not entirely unwelcome.

Olly Alexander really likes being a pop star. He says that it’s full of “fairytale” moments, like when his Years & Years earnings enabled him to buy his mum a house, or when he and his ex-boyfriend, Neil Milan (formerly of Clean Bandit), became embraced as British pop’s new golden couple. After winning the BBC Sound poll in 2015, Years & Years’ earworm synth pop was everywhere. They had an inescapable number one single, “King”, and their album Communion was the fastest selling debut that year from a signed British band. Olly says that there are downsides to the tabloid headlines and Twitter trolls that come along with being “a public gay man” – a phrase that he puts in self-deprecating air quotes. But right now, those pressures feel far away, as he prepares to change into a bright pink boiler suit and play to a boozed-up Saturday night crowd, at an Annie Mac-curated showcase. Or, as he put it on Twitter earlier today: bring his “gay agenda” to The Roundhouse.

Years & Years’ great new single, “Sanctify”, contrasts lurking vocals with an ecstatic synth-fuelled chorus, and is as unapologetic as any of Olly’s pithy social media posts. He was newly single when he wrote the song, and reading Andrew Holleran’s 1978 chronologue of gay desire, Dancer From the Dance, had got him thinking about a couple of hookups he’d had with straight-identifying men. “It would always be under darkness,” he says. “It had this added layer of eroticism because it was somewhat forbidden. But (being with me) was a window where they could be themselves, and I felt responsible not to fuck them up.” Those conflicting feelings come through in evocative lyrics about obscuring masks and sinful confessions, with a climax that’s about as on-the-nose as chart pop gets. “I sanctify my sins when I pray,” says Olly, quoting the chorus’s payoff. “What do you do what you pray? You get on your knees. So is it a sexual baptism?” He laughs. “I was just like, ‘There’s a lot to work with here.’”

Years & Years are a three-piece, but the other two members, Mikey Goldsworthy and Emre Türkmen, tend to hunker down behind synths and let Olly take centre stage. His soul-searching lyrics give the band’s maximalist pop its heart, with a singing voice that pierces through a constellation of synths. Their videos bring acts which are often shrouded in darkness into the light, showing the singer cruising in a dank car park, or at a pansexual orgy. The new “Sanctify” visual riffs on dom/sub culture, with an elaborate sci-fi plot that is a device for Olly to perform “Slave 4 U”-inspired dance moves to an audience of androids. When he was commissioned to write a song for the Bridget Jones franchise, he made it about bottoming. “I have sex, I enjoy sex,” he says flatly. He’s sitting in his cosy dressing room the Roundhouse, which rumbles with bass as Disclosure and Mabel soundcheck next door. “In the past, I think gay men (in pop) have often shied away from being overtly sexual, or being commanding of their sexuality. But I believe that our sexual fantasies are a big drive for us all. Exploring that side of yourself is super empowering.”

In the past year or so, many well-known LGBTQ artists have begun to bring queerness into their music in sex-positive ways. Pop’s boy-next-door Troye Sivan strapped on Tom Of Finland leathers for a back alley moment with well-fluffed trade, Janelle Monáe caressed women’s bare thighs, Fever Ray returned with a concept album about queer kink. For better or worse, Sam Smith is now calling himself a “dick monster”on primetime telly. “Sometimes seeing a man express themselves in an overtly sexual way, especially a gay man, makes certain conservative people feel a bit uncomfortable,” Olly says. “I always wanna keep people a little uncomfortable.”

“I believe that our sexual fantasies are a big drive for us all. Exploring that side of yourself is super empowering” – Olly Alexander

Years & Years are far from the first mainstream British pop act to proudly put gay sexuality at the centre of their music – that’s a lineage that runs from Will Young to George Michael, Pet Shop Boys to Bronski Beat, and beyond. But Olly’s performances are a reminder that mainstream pop can be open to explicit queerness (at least, when it’s embodied in a handsome white cis man). Olly has faith that you don’t have to be “generic to be palatable,” and that “straight guys can hear a song that I’ve written about being fucked by another guy, but still relate.” LGBTQ+ people like me grew up seeing straight culture pretty much everywhere; seeing more of our community thrive is crucial.

Growing up in the Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire, Olly was a flamboyant kid. That got him bullied at school, called a “batty boy” before he was even aware that he was gay, and meant that he retreated into drama lessons. While acting, he felt it was okay – a good thing, even – to be expressive. He always nurtured a passion for music, too; he taught himself how to play Joni Mitchell songs on piano, and obsessed over “Dirrty”-era Christina Aguilera. An early performance at a year six assembly blended intimate songwriting and outré entertainment: Olly played piano and sang lyrics about lost love, while two of his friends did a dance routine.

In his late teens and early 20s, Olly cropped up in whimsical micro-budget indie films like 2011’s The Dish And The Spoon, alongside Greta Gerwig, as well as Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void, and Skins. But his early experiences at school stayed with him. “Your first encounter with your sexuality is often from people bullying you and calling you the thing that you just pray to god that you won’t be – but deep down suspect you might be,” Olly says. “Well, no wonder we have an incredibly conflicting relationship with our bodies and our sexualities, because we’ve had to experience all of that.”

Reflecting on these difficult early years in his dressing room, Olly speaks openly about his own decade-long experience with depression, and the inadequate NHS provisions for those who are struggling with mental health. LGBTQ+ folks disproportionately struggle with depression and substance abuse, he recognises, and there’s only one UK organisation, London Friend, that caters directly to the specific needs of the queer community. “I’ve been there,” says Olly. “They’re amazing, but they are over-subscribed, with a tiny office, old chairs, and not a lot of money. When you’re seeing that people aren’t getting the help they should be, there’s an issue there.” That’s something he knows from first-hand experience. Last year, Olly fronted a BBC documentary, Growing Up Gay, about young LGBTQ+ people struggling with their mental health. His openness around the subject made him a kind of ambassador for those struggles, and he’s trying to work out how to deal with the “almost daily” DMs he gets from people at their lowest moments. “I feel very privileged that someone is wanting to share that with me, but it’s frightening,” he says. “We’re all in fucking pain, and I don’t know if we’re communicating with each other that well.”

“What do we expect a male pop star to do? As a society, how do we want them to behave or present themselves?” – Olly Alexander

Years & Years’ second album, out later this year, mixes gliding pop melodies with churning bass and twisted disco. The new songs feel more varied and exploratory than Communion, thanks in part to new collaborators like current pop’s minimalist masterminds Julia Michaels and Justin Tranter, as well as Greg Kurstin, who co-wrote “Shine”, Years & Years’ best song to date. The album’s centred around a motif of Palo Santo, a healing incense-like wood that you burn and waft around a room. (Olly dramatises this with hand motions as if he’s conducting an invisible orchestra.) Perhaps Palo Santo, with its power to expel evil spirits, could be a metaphor for the songwriting process? Maybe, Olly says. “But (when writing the album) I was angry about loads of things, particularly men. Palo Santo literally means ‘holy wood’ and I was like, ‘This is fucking perfect.’ Like, thinking that your dick is holy? I’ve known guys like that.”

Years & Years’ renewed vision also extends to creating a futuristic universe for their new music to exist in. That’s an idea that Olly’s idols – “Bowie, Prince, and Gaga” – have embraced, and “Sanctify” is the first part of an interconnected series of “weird, wonderful” videos. It marks the next step for a band aiming to join British pop’s pantheon, at a time when Olly, too, has been reflecting on his place in music. “What do we expect a male pop star to do?” he questions. “As a society, how do we want them to behave or present themselves? If I was asking myself, it would be like, ‘Well actually, I’ve always loved this kind of popstar. Maybe I should just be the pop star I want to see in the world.”

[babyish14]

11 Questions

Tagged by @jeremyjordanismyjam 

Thanks! 

RULES: answer 11 questions, then ask 11 questions, and tag 11 people

Last book you read?

       Alexander Hamilton’s Guide to Life by Jeff Wilser

       It was apart of my summer reading list (alot of books don’t get ready once classes resume). It was a fun read. It’s a nice mix of history, humor and Hamilton Musical references. 

      2. What’s a food you were hesitant to try but ended up loving?

            Plantains and spinach! I love both and I now eat spinach all the time.  I was also hesitant to try escargot, but I took French in school and went for it. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it, either. 

       3. What clubs/sports/afterschool activities were you a part of in high school?

              I’m not a sports person lol. I was apart of computer club, NHS, and occasionally went to Latin dance. I mostly went home afterschool (I was a soap opera kid, despite being so young). 

         4. Hidden talent?

              I never thought I really had one. If I had to say, I have a part-photographic memory. I can’t recall a full page of things or everything I’ve seen, but I can be pretty specific.

          5. Talent you are proud of?

               My analysis and writing skills. I may not publish/post any of my stories yet, but I enjoy writing. I’m often the person people ask to proofread papers or write something last minute. I can also analyze pretty much any situation and make connections quickly (especially in literature). 

           6. If given the chance would you travel into space? What’s one thing in our solar system you would love to lay eyes on?

               Now, you’re tapping into my science side. I love science and I’m majoring in Biology. Planetary science/Astronomy is not really my thing, but I would love to travel into space (as long as I can come back to Earth). I would love to see the Milky Way or Jupiter’s moons. 

           7. What is your favorite article of clothing and why?

              My favorite item of clothing is any of my Tinkerbell shirts. I love Tink, that’s all. 

          8. Name a person you had a secret crush on but never told. Why didn’t you tell them?

               This is the first time I’ve been open about this, but I’ve become more open with my sexuality. All the guys in my life I’ve ever had a crush on I’ve told. There was a girl I never told, because I wasn’t comfortable at the time. I haven’t assigned myself any labels yet, but it feels great being able to talk about it. 

          9. Movie soundtrack or Broadway Cast Recording that you HAD to get cause the movie/musical was just TOO GOOD?

               I normally listen to shows before I see them, but I didn’t with Motown the Musical. I was nervous it wouldn’t be as good and ruin all my favorite Motown tunes. I downloaded as soon as I came home from the show and I love it. 

For movie, it was Joyful Noise. I came for Queen Latifah and Keke Palmer and left loving Angela Grovey and Jeremy Jordan. I needed to hear Higher Medley again and again. 

           10. Any tattoos? Stories behind them?

                I don’t have any tattoos, but I would like to have one. I’m thinking maybe something small, pixie or fairy related (You know, the Tink thing). 

            11. Guilty pleasure fandom? You know, that fandom you’re a devoted part of but you are terrified of other people finding out about.

                 Twilight. I love Carlisle and Esme from the series, and so I enjoy fics and edits about them. I’m not as devoted as I used to be, but I still love it. If you wanted to start a conversation about those two, I’m here for it. 

I’m not going to make my own questions, you can answer the same ones I did. 

Tagging friends and followers that I wanna get to know better: 

@jeremymichaeljordan @nerdgirl453 @hamilslut @trufflemores

@forevertrueblue @logicaljourney @eatacactusass @pontmarius @mrandmrsballen @letsjustmoveonestepatatime @pansexualwinnschott

@starkidlabs @sophisticatedloserchick

[ky-w]

Wednesday 28 February 2018

This post has been queued because I don’t feel as if I can post this tonight. So I’ve dated it for future reference and people don’t get freaked out.

I’m less than one year clean of self harm. The last time I tried was a month ago during a freak out the day after I landed back in London, jet lagged, sore, scared, sad and lonely. I hadn’t seen any of my friends. So I wanted to do it again. Just to see if I could maybe feel something. The last handful of times it’s done nothing. Not like when I was a teen. It doesn’t do anything for me anymore. But I still do it. Just in case it does. Brains are weird. Anyway. I didn’t end up doing it, but I had to go to the hospital because I cut my finger open trying to break open a razor to get the blades out. I was there for over 5 hours. I was in the safest place. But I didn’t tell them the truth. I didn’t want to get sectioned. So I lied to the doctors.

I’ve started taking my anti-anxiety meds again and honestly they are doing nothing. I’m not sleeping. (Side effect) I can switch my brain off. I don’t really feel tired anymore. I only sleep after 1/2am and if I don’t set an alarm I’ll sleep for 12 hours but if I do set an alarm (7am tomorrow) I’ll still fall asleep around 1/2am so if I’m at school or work (6/7 days) I’ll be up at 7am or 8am depending on what shift I’m on or what time class starts. So I’m getting maybe 5/6 hours sleep a night. Which sounds okay. But I don’t feel well rested. I don’t wanna go back to the doctors because I feel like none of them are listening to me. It’s really annoying as I know what’s up, or what could be up and I wanna get tested and get it confirmed so I can be put on the right meds.

For example the meds I’m on are also the meds my friend Fi is on. Now Fi is on 25mg and she says they work a treat. I’m on 100mg of the same med (a day) and I feel like it’s doing jack shit. I don’t wanna go back to the doctor about it yet as I still need to pick up my script. (A fuck up on my behalf I just haven’t had time off when I’ve been free and the pharmacy has been open) I maybe able to do it tomorrow I don’t know. It depends on what time they open/close. But on Saturday for sure TWO WEEKS after I asked for a new script. Well I asked three weeks ago but it takes a few days because fuck us that’s why. I can’t check online as for some reason I’m no longer on the NHS at all. (Hospital couldn’t find me despite being registered with them since 2015) so I’m scared about that too.

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it as everything is just going so crazy at once and I want to just have 24 hours where I feel nothing. Don’t need to do anything. But I know that’s impossible. Because people need to breathe, pee, pump blood around the body, stim etc.

Speaking of stims I’ve got a new one grinding my teeth and it’s a fucking annoying one. I can control it better than my other ones but it’s getting worse. I can feel it. I’ve never done it before. In my memory at least. But I can’t trust that. I can’t trust my memory. I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.

I’m not scared or worried I’ll hurt myself tonight. I can’t be bothered with the effort. My blades are within arms reach so I don’t know why I say this. But I know I’ll be fine.

I don’t need another parent performing spot checks on me cause I’ll be fine. I know I will. One day. It’s not a promise. It’s a hope. But still. One day. This will all go away.