#I don’t like this weird feeling of loss every time I let someone borrow my Gideon book

[the-crepuscular-queen]

I don't have my GtN book to quote anything ( it's being borrowed) but I'm relistening to the audio book, and I can't stop thinking about how the second time "Dulcinea" talks to Gideon she sounds very similar to Mercymorn talking about the age gap of lyctors and regular humans (Phhaa! Babies! Yuck!). Just the way she says she feels old, she feels she has lived forever, how the 4th are babies compared to her. If I remember correctly, she refers to Gideon as a child, but in the context of knowing about Cytherea, my mind has gone crazy over the snippets where she talks to Gideon about how she describes how old she feels. Maybe the first time around reading or from Gideon's point, it was that deep feeling of sad words from a lady who was dying and every year of time draws on as she awaits death that makes her feel old. Really, it's just a Lyctor and their language to call non lyctor teenagers babies (?) and just feeling incredibly old as being lyctors compared to a regular human teen

I can't get over how I momentarily paused when I heard "dulcinea" call the 4th babies, and I'm just thinking how the Mercymorn is showing. How this interaction feels like foreshadowing now that I know what it all means to Cytherea more than the Dulcinea she pretended to be.

Or in reality, I'm looking WAY to deep into this (highly doubt for this book series), not lining up what I listened to properly, I potentially don't have the best memory to be writing this out, or this has probably already been mentioned by someone with more braincells than me before. And that's all dandy.

[taylorhawkins]

Couldn’t have said it any better than you two did, and I agree @little-exhausted I see more of the opposite as well - people just completely brushing Taylor off like none of the record is about him at all. I took that Atlantic article with a grain of salt as I do all press though - maybe I’m a little jaded but just the whole “he’s my friend, but he didn’t want to do press, he wanted the music to speak for itself, but here I am speaking for him” thing rubbed me the wrong way a little bit.

I guess some people are so weird out by just the possibility of anything not cishet that they would rather he be calling his mother "my love" instead of his friend.

I literally laughed out loud. RIGHT?! I would feel stupid blatantly ignoring reality like that. If that sort of thing bothers people I have no idea why they even listen to this band, like let’s just throw away the fact that Hearing Voices is not the first time he’s referred to Taylor as “my love” + Dave would introduce him as “the love of my life” at almost every frigging show for years… and much more… I’m like, y’all should be in the Olympics cos those mental gymnastics are impressive 🤦🏻‍♀️

I never really thought about it being as half/half about them but that is an interesting interpretation. Initially I thought the first verse of Show Me How was about T but Dave said the whole song is about Virginia. My interpretation was that I thought certain songs are 100% about Taylor, certain songs are 100% about Virginia, I think Rescued & Nothing At All are a little more personal to him in dealing with grief (I definitely don’t think Nothing At All is “sexy” like some people were saying lmfao) and I think other songs are more like both of them woven together in a way, Rest being the biggest one that can apply to both losses - when I heard the “in the warm Virginia sun, there I will meet you” I thought of that as his idea of Heaven (cos he’s said VA = his happy place) and meeting both of them. Beyond Me I felt might be about both of them but I think he’s definitely referencing Taylor with “forever young and free” (50 is so young) 💔

I even noticed though in The Teacher, he borrows from one of Taylor’s songs (3:01 here & 3:41 in The Teacher is practically the same exact song, plus the overall song structure of these 2 is quite similar), then in the music video there’s that clip where the band is physically moving him forward and they are floating through a hotel hallway… Which, again, given all of that, it’s so weird how people are just brushing Taylor’s impact off.

I normally wouldn’t let it bug me but these people are getting the top comments & crap which boggles my mind. And on top of that it just doesn’t even make any sense. Like, I’m sorry but I don’t think Dave “gave his heart” to his mom, or referring to his mom when saying “I had a person I loved and I was left to live without HIM” lol, it’s just really bizarre.

Another really weird thing I’ve been seeing is people trying to take Taylor’s lyrics from his solo projects - including songs that he literally said are about marriage struggles - and they’re like “this is clearly about him trying to get away from Dave!” I just saw it on an NHC video the other day. I’m not claiming to know what he was going on in his head cos there are some heartbreaking lyrics from that time period… but it sort of goes back to the whole infantilizing of him like as if he couldn’t speak up to Dave which was put out there by the press. Meanwhile there are countless examples of Taylor speaking up for himself or speaking up to/correcting Dave in videos/articles/interviews, I just read one where Dave was trying a new arrangement in one of the songs and Taylor goes “I think it fucking sucks” and so they abandoned it lol. That’s not someone afraid to speak up, or someone that gets ignored.

It’s just fucking bizarre to me how people are trying to erase their entire history together, or ignore it, or claim they faked it all for show (which doesn’t even make any sense). 💔

I didn’t know how to word this, but this person said it perfectly

It’s really strange (and annoying) seeing people sort of outright deny much of the lyrics on BHWA are about Taylor… I guess because they’re too raw for them?? The Atlantic article confirmed Hearing Voices is entirely about him yet I still see people straight up being like “no way”. Same with The Glass, or the title track… with Rest, it’s bizarre to me the way people think it’s either black or white and that it can’t possibly be about both losses woven together. I’ve also seen Nothing At All referred to as “too sexy to be about grief” which genuinely boggled my mind. Lmfao like what??

God forbid a man express his love in such a way for his best friend who also happens to be a man. FFS I can’t even fathom how maddening it must be to have to deal with people digging into your every lyric and being certain they know what you meant even though they’re way off, plastering it all over the internet, and all of the other total bullshit speculation & cruel comments…on top of the grief. This is the kind of shit that drives some musicians literally fucking insane and they’re not even dealing with loss. Dave Grohl is an incredibly strong spirit.

[jensenreleasethetapes]

“i wish i knew how to quit you”

based on a shitpost i took too seriously, and the fact that movie nights are canon...

Dean remembers the first time he watched this movie. 

It was one day that Sam was out, on a date out of all things, and Dean didn’t feel up to going to a bar. He went to a small dvd rental place near the motel they were staying at, looking for some b horror movie. He strolled the aisles when he saw Brokeback Mountain on the shelves. He was curious, the reason unknown to him at the time. He had heard about it, mostly second-hand jokes about the gay cowboy movie, but not much else. He snatched the movie, and headed back to the horror section, grabbing indiscriminately for another, quickly covering the other movie in his hand. He walked up to the counter, and paid, all the while a strange buzzing under his skin. The cashier, a teen who looked utterly bored, routinely scanned the movie and charged his card. Dean opened his mouth, and tried to think of something to excuse the purchase, but came up short. He then closed his mouth, and tried not to make eye contact. He left the store, and never set foot back in the place. Him and sam would be out of town soon, they had bigger things to worry about than overdue dvd fees. 

Later, Dean was drunk in his motel bed, crying with Ennis as he gripped Jack's jacket. He was sobbing at the show of love, the unconditional love they showed each other, and kept showing, against all things. It was a movie that stuck to his ribs for years to come, but why would only dawn on him later. Dean bristled at jokes about the movie for years after, and he kept the dvd in his travel bag since...

Which is how it ended up on the bunker shelves, next to other cowboy flicks he had “collected” from dvd stores over the years. And how Cas ended up picking it and putting it in the player for the two of them to watch. 

Remembering all that, almost 12 years ago at this point, it seems like forever ago, It seems especially far now, especially compared to where he is now. He and Cas are sitting next to each other on a couch, after Cas said yes to another one of Dean’s movie nights. They had been on a cowboy binge, getting through the greatest of the westerns, which were chosen at Dean’s discretion. They already watched one movie tonight, but Dean isn’t ready to go to bed yet. He isn’t ready to end this night, since they get them so rarely. He enjoys spending time like this with Cas. 

Cas, who is sitting comfortably in some pajamas he’s borrowed (“You know comfort is not of great importance to me, Dean” “Yeah but it’s weird if I’m the only one in sweats”). The glow of the tv shines on his face. His brows are usually furrowed, like he’s studying important information for a test from Dean later. But sometimes, his face breaks into a smile at a joke, or he gets angry at the characters on screen, and he gets exasperated at the character’s actions. Dean has seen these movies so many times, he can stand to watch Cas get swept up in the emotion. 

After the first one, Cas isn’t ready to take off just yet either, lingering in an odd way. He looks over expectantly, waiting with words behind his lips. At their mutual reluctance, and his own reluctance to move from the comfortable couch, Dean decides to be generous and let Cas pick the next one, as long as it fits the theme. Cas returns with a dvd, and pops it in the player, then returns to the couch. 

Once Dean sees the opening sequence, his stomach tightens. After everything he’d gone through, the discovery and realizations about himself, and after meeting Cas, he knows he’s done for. This movie had got him when he didn’t fully understand the depth of love and devotion, and now that he knows, and the source of that knowledge is sitting right next to him, he’s done for. 

He settles in, not bothering to pick a fight with Cas about how this is technically not a “western”. 

His first tears fall at Jack’s “I wish I knew how to quit you”, because god did he wish he knew. Cas glances up at Dean's sniffle, his own eyes not dry, and he reaches across to Dean’s shoulder. Dean nods at the contact, his hand swiping his tears away. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't know that this one would make you cry,” Cas apologizes genuinely, his voice near a whisper. 

“No, it’s okay,” Dean brushes him off, and Cas drops his gaze. “I could’ve stopped it if I didn't want to watch it,” Dean replies. His eyes return to the screen, all the while still registering the weight of Cas’ touch. 

The rest of the movie brings more tears, and after the second burst, Cas moves closer to Dean, a reassuring line at his side. Cas’ crossed legs leaves his knees to overlap Dean’s thigh. It's exhilarating and comforting simultaneously, and Dean lets himself get swept up in the romance, and the tragedy of the movie. He doesn’t hold his pain back, nor his sobs. He knows he’s safe to cry with Cas, safe to feel with Cas. 

The end slaughters them both, sobbing at the tragedy of jack and ennis’ love story. He knows, too well, the pain of letting something good slip away because of fear, and the danger associated. He knows the self hatred, the disbelief that someone could love him back, despite all he’s done, so unconditionally. Hell, he’s sobbed into a coat on occasion too. 

Dean tries to collect himself multiple times as the credits roll, but each time brings more tears. He sighs, trying to regain control of his breath, but echoes of the characters ring in his brain, and he cries again. 

Cas doesn’t leave. No, he remains close to Dean’s side, rubbing his back, silent tears falling down his own face. 

Dean leans into Cas, deeper into the comfort of him. He feels the tears soaking into the borrowed shirt, growing damp as the time passes between them. And Cas lets him, welcomes him there. 

The crying subsides, and Dean and Cas are left on the couch together, the glow of the silent tv blanketing them. 

“I think that was my favorite one yet,” Cas remarks, his voice thick from the tears shed. Dean smiles and lets out a small laugh. He sits up to look into cas’ eyes, a little puffy and red from the tears. 

“The first one to make you cry? That’s your favorite?” Dean questions, not following his logic. 

“I guess I didn’t know movies could do that,” Cas looks off, contemplating his thoughts and feelings, trying to fit them into the right words. “You tend to pick action movies with men fighting each other, so I just thought that that was a movie. Shallow, black and white morals, but fun. I didn’t know they could make you feel like this.” 

“Yeah, I guess I just don’t watch many movies that are like this one. Sorry-” Dean offers.  

“I just- I didn’t know they could be like that,” Cas interrupts. “I didn’t know movies could be honest, could show love and fear and loss like that. It’s all heightened of course, as is expected of the medium, but isn’t that how love and fear and loss feel?” His eyes flicker around, his hand in a fist, as if reliving his own experiences. “Interactions have more weight, every touch feels cosmic, stakes feel more punishing, but some things shrink, like how the scale of your world zeros onto one person.” Cas’ impassioned cadence slows at the end of his speech, each word hitting harder than the last. 

Dean is caught off guard by Cas’ analysis of the movie. Usually he gets a smile and a nod, and if he’s lucky, a friendly debate on the morals of the villains and heroes. Dean is still processing his words and reaction in the brief silence, but Cas starts up again. 

“It’s about the attachment associated with love. The wanting of only one person that no other can fill. It’s about making the most of your meetings, wringing out every second of your time together,  and cherishing it, however brief. It’s about love despite the circumstances, despite what everyone says, maybe even in spite of everything. It’s about loving, even if you are not able to have them, and the tragedy in and of itself, that is falling.” Cas is wrapped up in his own words, and as he finishes, it seems like the meaning of his own words have dawned on him. He looks bashful, almost like he admitted too much. 

Dean is awestruck, and he lets Cas’ words wash over him. Deciding not to let Cas hang out to dry, he gathers himself. If Cas is pushing himself over the edge, Dean is going to follow him. 

“I think,” Dean starts, “it’s also about missing someone, losing them each time they leave, not knowing when you’d see them next. It’s about them leaving permanently, and you gripping on to whatever they left you, and the pain with letting them slip away once again.” Dean’s voice cracks, knowing it has given him away. He feels Cas’ gaze on him, but pushes forward nonetheless.

“It’s about not believing someone would love you back, because why you? And them loving you so unconditionally, so fiercely, and not being able to accept that love, because it’s so foreign. It’s about resigning that person to an awful fate because of you. Because you pushed him away, one too many times, because you thought it was too much, he was too good for you. You don’t deserve him, he’s too giving, too loving, too wonderful for someone dirty and fucked up like you-“ 

Cas cups Dean’s jaw and kisses him silent at his last words. The tears Dean was hiding behind his words fall, as he pushes back to Cas. They hold each other there, pouring more love and acceptance through the kiss. It’s slow, tender, and beautiful, an antithesis to the rushed kisses on screen. 

Cas pulls back first, but makes sure to keep Dean’s eyes to his own. 

“You deserve everything, Dean. You pushed away, but you came looking so many times too. Stop carrying the guilt for these things. It’s the past, and it’s done. We’re here aren’t we?”

“But Cas-“ Dean starts, but his mouth is covered by a kiss again. 

“You held on, you kept me with you, when you had every reason not too. And that’s why i’m back here, we’re here.” Cas pleads. 

“I’m sorry, Cas-“ 

“I’m not. Everything that happened? It all led us here, so can I please have this?” 

Dean nods, and kisses Cas again. You can have for as long as you want, I love you I love you I love you…

~~~~

Thanks for reading!

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[ilovefandoms102]

Is this a joke?

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Plus Size Reader

Summary: JJ’s chases away a touron that flirts with you....

Taglist:

@drewswannabegirl​ @velyssaraptor​ @kaitieskidmore1​ @jiaraendgame​ @teamnick​ @jeyramarie​ @they-write-once-in-a-blue-moon​ @baby-pogue​ @ma10427​ @judayyyw​ @must-be-a-weasley-92​ @iamaunicorn4704​ @agirlwholovescoffee​ @justcallmesams​ @lasnaro​ @lonely-kermit​ @jellyfishbeansontoast​ @ifilwtmfc​ @gviosca​ @fernweh-fangirl​ @runway-to-my-aid​ @eb15​ @tangledinsparkles​ @hurricane-abigail​

Note:  I’m so happy you guys are loving this series! I hope you guys enjoy this one and let me know what you think!

=============================

I grew up in the Outer Banks, my house between JJ’s and John B.’s....

We all grew up together, the three of us best friends since the third grade. My parents worked at the same hotel JJ did, both of them cooks in the restaurant. As soon as I reached of age I got a job as a waitress at Kie’s family restaurant The Wreck. Random days that I was off, JJ and I would help Pope deliver groceries. 

===================================

I was at the hotel my parents and JJ worked at, eating a salad since I wasn’t really all that hungry. My mother walked out to check on me, eyeing what I was eating.

“Ah y/n, nice to see you eating healthy. Maybe once you lose a few pounds, JJ will take interest in you.” she scoffed, walking back into the kitchen.

And there it was....

Ever since I can remember, I had always been different from other people here. By different I mean my body size, I was considered plus size to society. While everyone else was super skinny and fit on this island, here I was with my slow ass metabolism. I had tried everything to lose weight, the only option would be to go on a weight loss pill at this point which no way I’d be able to afford. I wished more than anything I could be accepted by my parents for the way I am....the only people that really accepted me was the Pogues. They have never treated me differently from anyone else. JJ came out a few minutes later, seeing my deep frown that had settled on my face.

“What’s wrong princess?” he asked, taking a seat beside me.

“Nothing I want to bother you with J...” I mumbled, picking at the lettuce on my plate.

“Come on, you know you can tell me anything.” he said, his hand coming to hold mine that was sitting on the table.

That was the problem though....

How can I tell this boy I had known my whole life the demons that were constantly nagging at the back of my brain? How could I tell him something he would not remotely understand? I couldn’t bear to see the look of pity in his eyes if I were to tell him. I stared at his hand holding mine, butterflies igniting in the pit of my stomach. I’ve always had feelings for JJ, ever since I can remember. Him and I had always been the closest out of everyone in our friend group. I pushed my feelings for him way in the back of my brain, I knew he’d never be able to look at me the way he does other girls. 

“You’re a thousand miles away from me.” JJ chuckled, his thumb rubbing my hand. 

“Sorry,um anyways, are we still having a movie night at John B.’s?” I asked, changing the subject in hopes it distracted him. 

“I see what you did there princess, but yes we are. Now, tell me what’s wrong and why you’re so sad. I don’t like seeing you sad.” he insisted, his eyes searching mine.

“It’s really nothing JJ, just my parents nagging me.” I mumbled, taking my hand away from his to lean back away from him. 

“I’ll let you get away with that for now since I have to get back to work, but I won’t let it slide again. I’ll see you at JB’s.” he sighed, getting up from the chair. He walked past me and stopped midstep, I looked up at him confused. He leaned and kissed my forehead, smiling at me before heading back.

What the fuck was that?????

===============================

It was rush hour at The Wreck, tourons and locals were flooding the inside and outside dinning tables. Kie and I were running around like crazy, trying to tend to tables and the bar. The guys came in, taking up the rest of the seats at the bar. JJ smiled wide at me, John B. waved, and Pope nodded his greeting. Kie rolled her eyes but smiled after. I knew she had a big crush on Pope, I had been giving her a hard time about it for weeks since she’s told me. But, she got me back because she had sniffed out my feelings for JJ. 

“What movies did you guys pick?” I asked while getting them some drinks. 

“Sarah is letting me borrow her Conjuring series. That ok?” John B. asked.

“Yeah I’m cool with scary.” I laughed, setting JJ’s drink in front of him.

“I’ll protect you from the scary parts princess.” JJ winked, I in turn flushed 80 shades of red.

“Pretty sure it’ll be y/n protecting YOU from the scary parts JJ.” Kie said, all of us laughing while JJ pouted. I patted his hand, winking back at him.

“When will you all be able to leave?” Pope asked, eyeing Kie.

“Hopefully as soon as this rush is over...” Kie sighed, looking at me before back to the guys. 

There was one more chair at the bar, and a really cute guy sat down in it. It just so happened to be next to JJ, the touron eyed me up and down. JJ saw and his jaw clenched.

“Hey cutie, could I get a menu please?” the boy asked.

I handed him a menu, his fingers purposefully brushed against mine when I pulled away. I took his drink order and could feel JJ’s eyes burning holes through me. I wasn’t sure what his problem was, he flirted with girls all the time. What did it matter if some random touron that I would probably never see again was flirting with me? Kie was trying really hard to not laugh, I guess finding JJ’s glare amusing. 

The touron left you a hefty tip, and his phone number. JJ was raging at this point, clanging his silverware on purpose, or sitting his glass down too hard. 

“Sorry about my friends, they’re protective of me.” I laughed, shooting daggers at JJ.

“Oh it’s no problem, I would be too if I had a pretty girl like you as my friend. Although I’d hope to be more than just friends.” he said, smiling. My eyes went wide, the words resonating in my head. I had never had a guy be this nice to me, let alone go out of the way to flirt with me. 

“I think she gets it pal, you paid now run along.” JJ griped, his muscles bulging slightly when he threw his thumb over his shoulder.

“JJ!” Kie and I yelled.

The poor guy scurried out of The Wreck. I looked back at JJ with a look I’m sure would have buried him 6 feet under. The fucker smiled at me, acting like what he did was fine.

“What the fuck was that?!” I demanded. John B. and Pope’s eyes went wide as saucers. They had never seen me this angry before, especially at JJ. 

“Oh shit,” John B. whispered.

“You’re in trouble,” Pope murmured.

“He smelled funny, and he was weird. Who says they want to be more than friends to someone they just met?” he scoffed.

“You’re an asshole JJ.” I growled, throwing my towel down before stalking to the back of the restaurant. I could hear the other Pogues yelling at him, but I was too mad to care at the moment. 

===============================

I didn’t speak to anyone the rest of my shift, purposefully waiting on other tables to avoid going to the bar. I was so confused by what JJ did, he had some nerve I know that much.....

Never in my life had a guy go out of their way to be nice to me. I had never been flirted with before like that, and it was a nice feelings. Knowing that I wasn’t being judged for my size, or even if the guy didn’t mind my size, it felt good. I had never felt beautiful in anyone’s eyes....and JJ had to ruin it. I wasn’t sure I could forgive him, what he did was way out of line. He has slept and flirted with his fair share of girls, what’s it to him that ONE guy has given me his number and was nice to me. 

================================

Kie and I were finally cleared to go home, all of us piling in John B.’s van. He had let me sit up front so I wouldn’t have to be in the back with JJ, siding with me that what he did was not ok. Kie and I had brought left overs from The Wreck with us for all of us to munch on as we watched the movies. JJ pouted the whole ride home, not speaking to anyone. 

John B. pulled into the chateau, taking the bags of food from me to carry in the house since they were really heavy. I grabbed my stuff since we all planned on sleeping over, and headed inside. JJ stopped me, offering to help me carry my other bags.

“I’m really sorry ok.” he mumbled, looking at the ground.

“What you did was not ok JJ, you realize that we will probably never see that guy again right? It was harmless flirting.” I said, letting him take some of my stuff.

“I didn’t like it...” he whispered, his blue eyes coming to meet mine.

“JJ you sleep and flirt with tons of girls! Why was it so wrong for that guy to be flirting with me?! Do you know what it’s like to look like me and for the FIRST time someone took interest in me and didn’t judge me because of my size JJ?! No you don’t, none of you do. I struggle every single day knowing that people look at me differently because I am not society’s norm of a perfect woman. No one wants a fat girl JJ, and the one time a guy takes interest in me....you ruin it. Do you know how that makes me feel? No, because you can get any girl you want just by looking at them. People take one look at me and run because they think I don’t deserve love and affection.” I ranted, almost in tears at this point.

“There is nothing wrong with how you look, and I haven’t slept with anyone in months. You know why that is princess? I like you, a lot. I flirted with girls in front of you to make you jealous. You are beautiful y/n, and you’re my best friend in the entire world. You know me better than anyone else, just like I know you.” he said, his eyes swimming with sorrow.

“Is this a joke JJ?” I growled. That was the wrong thing to say because his face changed in a split second, his whole demeanor becoming angry.

“Why the fuck would you say that?!” he shouted, stepping closer to get right in my face.

“Because JJ! Guys that look like you don’t like girls that look like me. My mom’s very persistent on it that I will never receive love with the way I look JJ. That’s what I was upset about earlier and didn’t want to tell you. You don’t have to say that just because you feel sorry for me.” I yelled back, crossing my arms in front of my chest. 

“Well that’s really fucked up your mom says shit like that because I think you’re amazing. I like you for you! You have a killer bod princess, I like everything about you. Especially your ass, damn I have dreams about your ass all the time.” he sighed, holding a hand over his heart. 

“Shut up,” I growled, playfully shoving him. He smiled, catching my wrists to pull me closer to him. 

“Do you like me?” he asked, smirking.

“I mean, you are my best friend. So I obviously like you.” I smiled, purposefully teasing him.

“You know that’s not the like I was talking about.” he mumbled, rolling his eyes at me. 

“What like are you talking about then JJ because there’s only one I know of.” I giggled.

“This one,” he whispered, leaning in and kissing me.

I gasped, not expecting him to do that. I shut my eyes tight, gripping his shoulders. His hands went around my waist, resting about my love handles. I felt a little uncomfortable with it, but once he started rubbing his fingers I forgot all about it. He licked my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth slightly to allow him in. He moved his hands to my face, pulling me closer to him. I had never felt so overwhelmed with pure joy until this moment. The boy that I have liked for so long, admitting his feelings for me, and finishing it off with a kiss. I pulled away, gazing into his blue eyes.

“Are you real? Is this a dream?” I asked softly.

“I’m real baby,” he chuckled, kissing my lips one more time before tugging my hand to go inside. I was still dazed so I just let him pull me along. 

“What took you guys so long?” John B. asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“We were making out,” JJ shrugged, the Pogues staring at us in confusion.

“JJ!” I yelled, slapping his arm.

“What?! We were.” he said, rubbing his arm where I hit him. 

“I knew it!” John B, yelled, pointing at Pope.

“You guys owe me twenty bucks,” Kie smirked.

====================================

I had never seen The Conjuring movies before, but I was a big fan of scary movies. We had all the food passed around, each of us with a beer in hand. JJ was cuddled up to me, his tough guy act gone as soon as the opening credits rolled. I giggled when he would scream at some of the jump scares, his face hiding in my chest. I rubbed his back with one hand while the other sifted through his wavy blonde locks.

“What happened to my knight and shining armor?” I asked jokingly. 

“This is based on a true story! This is real shit that happened it’s scary!” he yelled, clutching on to me tighter. 

“Pussy,” Pope mumbled, John B. laughing beside him. 

“It’s ok J, I’ll protect you.” I smiled when he raised his head up.

“Thank you baby, you’re the best.” he grinned, giving me a soft kiss before turning his attention back to the screen. 

I had to admit, there were some pretty jumpy scenes. When the hands clapped behind the mom’s head, JJ and I both jumped into each other’s arms. I squealed while JJ let out a shout then yelling at the TV. 

===============================

Once the movie ended, everyone headed for their sleeping bases for the night. Kie pulled the couch out, leaving room for me since we always share it. Pope took the recliner, already snoozing before the movie had ended, and John B. yelled his good night from his room. Just as I was about to lay down next to Kie, JJ stopped me. He pulled me into his room, closing the door behind us. 

“I want you to stay with me, I’m scared.” he frowned.

“Ok JJ,” I giggled.

“Will you cuddle me?” he asked, shifting some of the pillows so both of us had some.

“You are such a baby.” I chuckled, laying down beside him. He laid his head on my chest, my fingers ran down his back gently.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked quietly, his arms squeezing me.

“Yes JJ,” I smiled, tipping my head to kiss his. 

==================================

[agustdef]

XX

Pairing: Johnny Suh x Reader x Min Yoongi

Genre: Angst; Fluff; Friends to Lovers; Coworkers to Lovers

Word Count: 16.1K

Warning: Language; Past Infidelity (not by anyone in the pairing); Mild mention of not great mental health; Implied Smut at the end. 

Rating: PG15

My Weird and Mildly Chaotic Banner Maker: @dee-ehn​

My Lovely Dweeb Beta Reader: @guktro​

A/N: This fic was crafted for the DramaVers collab hosted by the ever so lovely (never tell her I called her that) @namluve​. My fic is based off the K-Drama/Web Drama, XX, which you can watch here if you feel so inclined. Would recommend. (Psst... it’s only 5 episodes all under an hour long.)

Summary: When you work your whole life to reach your dreams of owning a bar you hope that having that dream ripped from under you without notice isn’t a part of life’s plan. And you definitely don’t imagine that it comes with suddenly being business partners with your ex-best friend. But life doesn’t work in the way we want it. At the end of the day you try to focus on the things that make life better, until the two men in your life who hold your heart (something you didn’t think possible) meet and hit if off so well that you’re sure your life is moments from collapsing completely.

The entire time Hyuk spoke YN sat there feeling like she couldn’t process his words. She heard all of it and took it in, but she was stuck on what he’d said when she’d walked into their bar to do inventory on the one day they were closed. Hyuk wasn’t supposed to be there, so it shocked her to see him pacing about but then he blurted something out and she’d never had the chance to exit her shocked state.

“YN, did you hear me?” he asked.

She wasn’t completely pulled from the surreal feeling she experienced, but enough of her became present enough to look at him and nod. Of course, she wanted to retreat into thoughts that said it was all a dream when she saw the pity in his eyes.

“I really am sorry, YN. I had to sell it and I know I said I’d give you a heads up if I ever wanted or needed to give my share up, but it couldn’t be helped. It was the only way to get my father to give into appointing me a position on his board before he found someone else. But I found someone who's done well with other bars and she’s just trying to expand her portfolio, so I’m sure she’ll sell you her half when all is said and done,” Hyuk reassured.

None of his words helped her feel good about it though, if anything she felt worse after hearing him. It became more real as he explained things to her for the third time that night. Her dream of the bar being hers had been so close, she’d almost had all the money to buy him out and it all came crashing down.

To think her phone calendar had a day three months in the future as the day she’d succeed. For a moment all she could think about was deleting it, so instead of responding she pulled out her phone and did just that.

“What are you-” he started, until he noticed what she did.

“YN, I-”

Her standing abruptly was what cut him off the next time; plus startled him to the point where he almost slid from his bar stool. His klutzy actions usually brought her some joy no matter how brief, but nothing in her could muster up any positive emotions.

After she took a deep breath she stared at him with a neutral expression and spoke. “You can put everything I need to know in the office for me to check in the morning. Anything else can be sent to me via email. That includes the new co-owners contact information so that I can set up a meeting with them so we can discuss things. If I need something you didn’t give I will contact you. I hope everything works out just the way you want it, Hyuk. I’m leaving now, lock up behind yourself and mail me the keys.”

With that she turned on her heel and walked out of the door, she needed to put some distance between her and him. As well as her and the bar. Not even Hyuk calling out for her stopped her from leaving, nothing he had to say was something she needed to hear. At least not while her world crumbled before her eyes.

From there she went home. The process was a blur as she relied on muscle memory to get her on public transportation and then walk the rest of the way. By the time she came to she was inside and knocking on the door to her roommate’s bedroom.

“YN, I thought you wouldn’t be back until three,” Johnny said as he opened the door, voice laced with sleep.

However, his inquiry seemed to no longer matter as he took YN in. She’d stopped holding it all in and her body slouched, shaking slightly as the tears poured down her face. Every second or so she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out until the sob finally released itself.

Johnny had her in his arms instantly. Not a word was uttered as he used one hand to press her face close to his chest and the other to rub slow circles into her back. And even when she calmed enough to speak, he merely shushed her and pulled her into his room. She wasn’t allowed to say a word until she was dressed in one of his too big t-shirts and they were cuddled in his bed.

She appreciated it too, because even though she’d been ready to talk her mind needed time to collect itself before she blurted out nonsense.

“Hyuk sold his share of the bar to someone else. Needed to let it go for his dad to give him some position at his company or some shit,” she whispered.

She felt Johnny’s body stiffen as she finished and then felt him take several deep breaths as she felt his heart speed up. He wasn’t a person quick to anger, but in certain situations he just couldn’t stop how quickly it came to head. Especially when he was proven right in a way he wished he wasn’t.

Minutes ticked by as he did his deep breathing and YN expected him to blow up or point out how he’d warned her, but nothing came.

“No, I told you so?” she asked.

That got a laugh out of him, though it was bitter.

“You know I won’t. This isn’t like when you bust your ass trying to get down from a table while drunk. This is your dreams being tampered with by a prick who couldn’t even show his dad he was responsible by co-owning a successful bar, but still managed to get what he wanted at your expense.”

Displeasure coated his every word and though it should’ve made her sad to think of her former co-owner and his shitty behavior she couldn’t help but laugh. It was because as he spoke she remembered all the times Johnny had snubbed or called the man out on his bare minimum rich kid behavior to his face. Johnny had never liked him and it was always clear to everyone, so he never missed a chance to be petty.

Sadly, that amusement went as quick as it came.

YN sighed. “Well, it is what it is now. Can’t change what’s already done. At least he said they only want to own it temporarily to pad their portfolio or some shit.”

In an instant, Johnny pulled back and looked at her with wide eyes.

“So, there’s still a chance?”

Though the hope in his voice boosted hers, she couldn’t get herself to give in. So instead of being as enthusiastic, she nodded.

Johnny’s eyes narrowed at that. “I will allow your non-excitement to slide because you are in shock and hurt, but you’re not going to go back to thinking this is a pipe dream. You can and will get the bar all to yourself. And let’s not forget you’re close to saving enough to start your own elsewhere if it falls through. And before you say it, I know this is your dream place in your dream location, but remember you had another dream location before this.”

Naturally, her best friend didn’t even allow her to voice her negative thoughts, something she was grateful for in that moment. She’d had a rant about how she should give up and all kinds of downer nonsense ready to spill out before he’d called her on her bullshit.

Another sigh escaped her and she nodded before laying her head on his chest again.

“Are you opening today?” she asked.

“No. After the bridal party, who wanted to drink and make perfume all night, I needed a break. And because they went well over their time I got paid double so I could miss three days and still not feel the loss.”

“Then can we stay in bed all day?” she asked.

“Sure, we can order something and watch TV. But can we sleep first, you woke me up too early,” he whined.

It was noon.

YN shrugged. “Fine with me, but I need to go get a bon-”

Before she could finish that sentence a dark purple bonnet was shoved in her face and she barely grabbed it before a thought came to her.

“You did steal it!”

“No, you left it in here after you took down your braids that one day. I found it somewhere in my dirty laundry. I for one don’t need a bonnet and for two, after the time I borrowed your SPF lotion and you nearly murdered me I learned my lesson,” Johnny said.

“You almost made me go outside ashy. My skin was being uneven with its six shades of brown instead of one, I didn’t need it to be dry too.”

He rolled his eyes at that but adjusted them a little so he could press a kiss to her forehead and then got comfortable.

“Yes, yes I know. Now put it on and go to sleep,” he said.

Part of her wanted to say something more, but she simply slid the bonnet over her hair, which was twisted, and laid down.

As her eyes closed her brain drifted to the horror of her morning, but she fought it off and tried to focus on the positive. Johnny was right; she had options, which didn’t leave her at a complete loss no matter how things went and that was a good thing.

Plus, she had Johnny by her side, even if it wasn’t always in the way she wanted. That thought brought a twinge to her heart, but she cuddled closer and reminded herself that moments like that were enough.

“He just dropped it all on you at once? I knew he was a self-centered prick, but damn,” Yoongi commented.

YN had relayed what happened to her main bartender when they’d both come in to prep the bar before it opened. She planned to keep it from him until she met her new co-owner, but he saw through her the moment she walked in that afternoon. Fighting him was futile, something she learned within the first six months of him working there, so she just spilled everything as she wiped down the bar stools.

“Yup. No warning at all, just told me with everything done before I could object. Something about thinking just being straightforward would lessen the blow. Since I prefer bluntness and all that,” she mumbled.

Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed Yoongi pause as he wiped down the counter and turn to look at her fully.

“Does that dumbass still not know what the word blunt means? Because it’s sure as fuck not screw over your business partner and the only person who kept a business afloat while he cried to daddy about not getting the position he wanted because he’s a failure. Fucking weirdo,” Yoongi shouted.

Though it wasn't really funny YN couldn't help but throw her head back in laughter, pausing in her cleaning as it coursed through her. She couldn't even stop the tears that came along with it.

When she finally pulled it together Yoongi was cleaning again, but the smile he wore showed he was happy with his handy work. And YN was thankful for it. He always knew just what to say to make her laugh when she needed it, even if the joy only lasted for a few seconds. It was one of the things that drew her into him as they got to know each other. Past his introverted defense mechanisms was a sweet man who often just did his best to help wherever he could.

The only person keeping her sane most days.

“Well, yeah he is a dumbass I will finally and fully admit it. But, he was a dumbass keeping me from having to put off certain things to keep this place moving forward, so for a time he was worth something. Now he’s just a fucking headache fucking up my plans.”

Silence filled the room after that as they finished sanitizing everything and got the bar set up for patrons. They were ready an hour in advance, which wasn’t something they usually did with YN preferring it to be only thirty minutes before the last thing was finished, but she didn’t want them working as she met the new co-owner.

There was nothing in her that wanted to impress them, but she preferred all the things be in tip top shape and nothing left to worry over as she handled something so stressful. It shouldn't have felt like that, but meeting someone she didn’t know and didn’t choose in a bar they would both own wasn’t fun. Especially when she thought about other people who’d come in before wanting to be her business partner but wanted everything changed. Something that wouldn’t happen.

“You can take a break and go out if you want. I can meet them alone,” she said as she checked one of the mini fridges under the bar one last time.

She expected Yoongi to say he’d go grab coffee from his favorite place to give him that final boost to keep on his customer service voice all shift, but he shook his head no. He grabbed a bottle of water and sat down at one of the tables farther into the bar. It confused YN and she planned to say something, but then the sound of a door opening caught her attention.

They both turned their attention to the intruder and YN immediately felt like the wind was knocked out of her.

In the door of her bar stood Chae Hyungwon, her ex-best friend.

Thankfully, he appeared just as shocked as she was, though he tried his best to pull it together. His usual fake confident smirk made an appearance and his gaze shifted from her to the space around them. His head nodded every so often and soft sounds of approval slipped from his lips as he did.

YN knew it was him avoiding her gaze to prepare whatever non-caring act he planned to put on with her, but that didn’t ease her at all.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

After several seconds of blatantly ignoring her Hyungwon responded.

“Is that any way to speak to your new boss?” he asked.

Shock wasn’t the word that YN used to describe how hearing those words felt, mostly because it wasn’t what coursed through her. It was more like amusement at being some sort of joke to the universe. Amusement and immense sadness.

“Co-owner. You are my co-owner. And let’s not forget that I own most of it,” YN said.

Hyungwon’s eyes went wide. “You’re the co-owner?”

That was a small win for her.

“Ah, so Hyuk didn’t just decide to withhold information from me. At least he’s a consistent idiot,” she said.

There was a beat of silence before YN pulled herself together and decided that she would unleash her feelings later and handle her predicament in that moment.

“So, shall we sit and talk?” she asked.

Hyungwon stared at her for a moment before nodding. At that YN motioned towards a table she’d set up for them and went to sit down. She waited a moment for him to settle in before pushing a folder across the table. And though clearly confused he took it and flipped through the contents.

He scoffed. “What is this, a college orientation? Am I to read and sign all of these, then be punished if I fail to do them or disregard them?”

“Yes.”

That startled him, but YN didn’t give him time to recover.

“That contains all the information that you need to know about this business. How it is currently run, it’s vendors, it’s monthly costs, the excel sheets we use to track information so that we can make small changes here and there to stay on top of how to best run things. And as you saw on top, explains the rules that I’ve laid out for you as co-owner. They are the same for anyone who wants to take on that role and besides small adjustments have remained the same throughout my use of them. They are not fYNible. With a compelling argument I may be willing to bend something but the odds are virtually nonexistent. They must be understood and abided by and any of them that are major violations will be cause for termination of your co-ownership, without a mandatory buyout from me. Which is something that was in the contract that Hyuk gave you, so you’ve already agreed.”

“That’s not allowed. I saw it, but it didn’t go into-”

YN laughed. “You signed a contract without meeting with the other co-owner, the person who owns fifty-five percent of this bar. Thus, not allowing yourself the chance to get all the information. Which means you forfeit the right to suddenly demand a change on something you agreed to blindly. My rules are not outlandish, they are just specific and demand that you are serious or at the very least don’t get in my way.”

Laughter escaped Hyungwon, but it clearly held no humor. For a moment he looked prepared to argue or leave, but he simply reopened the folder and read over the first few sheets. Though there were a few sounds that were akin to disapproval that wasn’t what reflected on his face when he glanced up several minutes later. It was more so a look of mild amazement.

“This keeps anyone who buys in from doing anything slightly shady behind your back or straight up dumb without mutual decision. It’s ironclad, makes sense not to put it directly into the contract since you’re opposed to negotiating that part,” he said.

Part of her felt proud, though it was solely because she knew she’d done things well in that respect. But the other part of her was displeased that the pride appeared from hearing a form of praise from Hyungwon, even if it wasn’t directly from impressing him.

Naturally, he couldn’t leave it on a positive note though.

“Too bad you didn’t come up with one where it stopped him from fucking you over,” Hyungwon mumbled.

“Yeah, so sad, if only we could make those kinds of things for everyone we encounter. Though I guess something for me to hold people accountable for fucking me over wouldn’t be something you’d be personally interested in. Could be used against you,” YN said without missing a beat.

Hyungwon’s face went red after that and she could see a flurry of emotions playing out on his face but could pick up on none. Not that, that lessened her amusement at all. She’d gotten a reaction out of him and it was childish, but felt wonderful nonetheless.

“Is there anything else you need to show me?” Hyungwon finally asked after a minute.

YN nodded and stood from her seat.

“I can show you around the place and explain how things run. However, I ask that you hold all questions until you have absorbed all the information, I don’t mind if you use your phone or something to write things down as I talk. But if you think it’s important to know please stop me and ask.”

All she got was a nod before she led him around the space. She showed him the back rooms, including the office, and explained how things worked schedule wise with everything. Then she brought him back out front and pointed out things behind the bar to get him acquainted with how things worked. Then she led him through the space and showed him the balcony that gave the best access to their view of a skyline and water off in the distance. Once finished she brought him back inside and was about to wrap it up, but then he spoke.

“How many employees are there?” he asked.

“Including myself seven. With the way we currently operate, more aren’t needed, but there is still a chance we could hire a few more.”

Hyungwon nodded. “And I’m guessing he’s one.”

That was the first time YN glanced Yoongi’s way since Hyungwon appeared and she turned to see the male drinking his water and scrolling through his phone.

“Yes, Yoongi has been here almost a year now.”

At the sound of his name Yoongi looked up and while he didn’t seem particularly fond when he glanced Hyungwon’s way he did offer YN a smile, one she returned happily.

After that her attention moved back to Hyungwon who glanced between the two of them and looked prepared to say something but didn’t.

“Well, is there anything else you need or would like to see? We open pretty soon so we’re running low on time,” YN said.

Seconds ticked by as she watched Hyungwon stare at her but seem off in his own little world. It was something that was the norm for when he debated on what to say or do so it wasn’t surprising, but it made her uncomfortable.

“Hyungwon,” she called out.

He snapped out of it and cleared his throat. “No. I’m good. I’ll just sit off in one of the back corners for a while to watch how things go and then leave.”

A nod and then YN left him to do what he wanted. The two waitresses for the night arrived just then and everyone got their behinds into gear. Then minutes later their customers began filing in.

Though YN’s mind reeled from what happened she didn’t get the chance to linger on it, because work became the focus quickly. She enjoyed bartending so she did that alongside Yoongi and though the place wasn’t packed, people tended to order drinks rapidly. And since their bar had made its name for mixed and signature drinks it wasn’t just rounds of shots. They needed to mix drinks and do it right, half-assing it to get it out quickly wasn't something they did. Especially since part of the draw for some, besides the drinks, was watching them being made. They enjoyed some sort of show with it, though neither YN nor Yoongi went all out to impress, just did what they needed to with focus and a slight flourish.

So, by the time she caught her breath and wasn’t focusing on anything work related and glanced up to find Hyungwon she noticed his former spot taken up by someone else. He was nowhere she could see, so she assumed he left and felt herself sigh in relief. It didn’t clear the chaos she kept at bay in her mind, but helped it settle some.

However, she again didn’t get time to linger on it because they’d done the last call and an influx of orders came on. She and Yoongi worked to get them out and were thankful when people began to leave, some stumbling to the exit with the help of security.

From there everyone immediately began working on their sections to clean and an hour and a half later they were all on their way out the building. YN saw off her waitresses and security then prepared to say her goodbyes to Yoongi only for him to be giving her a look she saw when he’d offer to join her on the way home and she’d deny.

Which meant that fighting him on it would’ve been useless, so she just began walking towards the train station.

For several minutes they did so in silence and though YN seemed calm it was clear that she was fighting something off. Something she didn’t want to talk about or at least that’s what she told herself until Yoongi spoke up.

“You can scream if you want,” he said.

That made her pause and then laugh loudly. It brought on looks from the few people lingering about late at night, but she didn’t care at all. One would’ve thought she was laughing at the idea of screaming to release her feelings, but it was more so that screaming is what Johnny had her do when the incident happened years before. He got her drunk, took her to the top of a building and they screamed until she was a laughing mess on the ground. He’d had to carry her home after.

“I wish that was the fix for this. Hell, I wish I didn’t have such a strong reaction to him after all this time.”

Again, silence filled the space as they began walking away and neither of them spoke again until they were seated in a half-deserted train car. Yoongi took that as the perfect moment to bump her shoulder to get her attention and it worked.

“You could tell me about it. You don’t have to of course, but it could help the feelings a bit,” he offered.

At that YN sighed and her eyes closed. A lot of her screamed to let it die so she didn’t have to deal with the emotions again, but a smaller voice reminded her that the feelings would always be there and she probably only felt so intensely because she’d been forced to endure them in front of someone who didn’t know what happened. If it had been Johnny or her by herself she’d be better about it. And she had to remind herself she trusted Yoongi a whole lot, so telling him wasn’t the end of the world by any means.

Once she’d made peace with her choice her eyes opened and she turned so her back leaned against the small wall blocking her seat from the door. She knew that if she told him it had to be while looking at him.

“As you may know I have an ex that Johnny loathes with his entire being. I’m sure you remember that drunk rant that he gave the first month of you working there,” she paused to see his response and once he nodded she continued. “Well, I know he went on and on about planning to beat up all the people who’d ever hurt me, so there were a lot on that list. Anyway, he got to talking about an old friend before he ran to the bathroom to throw up. That friend was Hyungwon or my new co-owner, I don’t think I told you his name. But yeah, he was my best friend. Like that friend I made the moment I came to orientation and looked every bit of the confused foreigner I was. We clicked and he felt like the best friend I’d made in my entire life. Even helped me figure out how to work up the nerve to talk to my ex to ask him out.”

YN sighed and used her hand to push back a few loose curls that had slipped from her bun. The voice telling her to shut up got louder and she knew if she wanted to stop she could, but something about the attentive look on Yoongi’s face stopped her.

“In our senior year things were beyond stressful. He was dealing with family business stuff and his father has always been a difficult man. While I was dealing with trying to find a job so I could keep a visa and stay in the country, while also trying to graduate. We barely saw each other and I barely saw my boyfriend either despite usually sleeping at his every night. I decided to change that one night, I messaged Hyungwon to schedule a hang out and he agreed. Then I grabbed some food and snacks and headed to my boyfriend’s. I was at most an hour earlier than when I said I’d be coming, something not out of the norm for me and it wasn’t like he didn’t know.

“It was so quiet that I assumed he was asleep. I made sure to keep quiet as I settled in and then creeped towards the bedroom. However, I didn’t make it there, because while a few feet away the door swung open and I was met with him in his boxers and a disheveled Hyungwon. They didn’t notice me right away or at least I like to think so since they started making out and didn’t stop until I cleared my throat. The expressions of shock at that point are barely a memory because I’d started to tear up and just turn and left. They both attempted to reach out, but obviously I shut them down.”

After she finished Yoongi’s expression shifted to shock and then anger.

“And yet he acted like he was superior and has nothing to be sorry for when he came in today. What kind of bullshit is that? He should at least appear apologetic,” he said.

YN went to answer, but they were at her stop so she waited until they were off the train and up the steps.

“Hyungwon’s default expression is resting bitch face, especially when trying to hide some sort of emotion behind it. And he will lay it on thick. But he also is likely to force that and a haughty demeanor because he just does. It’s a defense mechanism, especially when he feels wronged in some way. He turned it on me a week after it was clear I wasn’t forgiving him. He’d prefer to be the one who is uncaring, then to endure too much emotion. No matter if he’s the cause of it.”

“What kind of fucked up shit is that? He messed up, not you. You had every right to refuse to deal with him or forgive him,” Yoongi said.

YN shrugged. “To a degree it’s a defense mechanism that I understand even if I don’t agree, but sometimes it does make him more of a douche than he’s going for. But it is what it is.”

They walked the short distance to her apartment in silence and YN couldn’t help but realize how much better she felt. It didn’t fix everything, but it helped more than she thought it would. Johnny usually was the one to get her calm enough to process the rest and she knew that once she told him the news he’d help her overcome the lingering emotions more, but with the chance to vent to the two people she trusted the most it was different.

Once they reached her apartment she turned and pulled Yoongi into a hug. He went stiff for a second before he hugged her back.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“No problem,” he said in return.

She held him for a few seconds longer after that and then let go, gently nudged him towards the cab that pulled up at the most convenient time out of nowhere. Or at least she tried to pretend she didn’t order it when he wasn’t paying attention, but just like every other time she did it he saw through her.

They waved at each other and she went inside once the cab pulled off. On the elevator up she couldn’t stop the smile on her lips. Her brain had halted its existential crisis and focused on the memory of Yoongi’s own smile as the car departed. It was beyond cute and she’d told him that when she’d first saw him do it, but what she felt in the elevator was different. There was an all-consuming happiness and a weird feeling in her stomach as she thought of it then.

The smile didn’t leave until she was sitting at the table with Johnny eating fried chicken too late at night and telling him what happened. He ranted and raved, even made a few threats, which brought the feeling back again, but that time directed at her roommate.

Weeks passed, and though YN hated the arrangement for multiple reasons she got used to it. Hyungwon didn’t try to implement any major changes and most of what he did was stuff she’d planned to do months later when they had more than enough funds for it.

Though there was one thing she’d agreed to that came with some regret. Or at least regret is what filled her as she had to endure a couple who didn’t understand distance and chose to sit at the bar.

The moment they strolled in, clinging to each other, they’d made a beeline for her side of the bar and told her how they’d seen the bar mentioned on the account of some popular new actor and then promptly shoved a phone in her face to show her. All it took was a single glance to know that she’d never seen that man in the bar before and the picture had been taken around a time they weren’t open. He was sitting on the bar’s balcony with a drink in hand and you could see people enjoying themselves behind him, but they appeared to focus on appearing in the right angle of the picture for it not to be fully staged. Which meant it was Hyungwon’s doing.

YN agreed to allow him to expand social media reach because though she did it, sometimes it wasn’t the best that it could be. However, their definitions of expansion differed and about four celebrities that had never been there had posted about having such a good time at that bar. Something that brought in business, but also forced YN and her staff to lie when asked by customers. And customers asked a whole lot when they came in, needing every detail down to what the celeb smelled like.

It was annoying but arguing about it with Hyungwon ended up with her just conceding in annoyance every time. Despite the nuisance of it, she truly didn’t have it in her to keep the back and forth with him on the subject. Doing it just didn’t prove to be worth it.

So, she and everyone endured the nonsense. Though as she watched the couple get increasingly touchier she almost stormed off into the back office to put a stop to it once and for all. In fact, she’d turned to tell Yoongi that she was going to step away but was distracted in a second.

“YN!” Johnny shouted as he approached the bar.

From the moment she laid her eyes on her best friend she noticed the offness. The giant stumbled a little while he walked and there was a slur to his words. His clothing was also a little less put together than usual and though not noticeable to most people it’s something she picked up on after years of enduring his quirks.

“Johnny, I thought you had a date,” she said.

That immediately made him frown at her. Of course, she guessed how well that had gone, but she knew that he preferred to explain to her about how bad it was, so she got the true dramatic effect. So instead of saying anything she allowed him to take up a seat at the bar and got him the coldest bottle of his favorite beer that she had. He took it happily and downed half of it before he began his story.

“She wanted me to be a third in her relationship. Brought the boyfriend and everything. Which we all know I’m fine with and my dating profile says that, but you warn a person beforehand. She said she was single and then boom, boyfriend suddenly.”

He paused and downed the rest of the bottle, which was quickly replaced with another by Yoongi who happened to be moving by. Johnny gave him a grateful nod and picked it up, but just held it.

“And that would also not be the worst thing in the world, but then the entire time the guy kept sizing me up and then asking the most sexually invasive questions. At one point he asked me how big my dick was and seemed ready to whip his out so that we could compare them. I had to drink to get through the entire thing and sped out of there the moment the bill for dinner was paid. Blocked her dating account, her social media, and number on the way here. Then had to block his number, because apparently blocking her wasn’t enough of a hint for them,” he said.

YN winced hearing that part, because she couldn’t imagine enduring something so awkward and then creepy as that. Nor could she imagine not understanding when someone wasn’t interested after such intensive blocking.

Pathetic was the word that came to mind.

“Well, I’m glad you escaped them. You get to drink that one and one more, then you switch to water. Also go back and heat up my lunch or have someone grab it for you, you need something else in you and I didn’t get around to eating it myself,” YN said.

That changed Johnny’s demeanor in an instant and he glared at her, but before he could scold her about not eating properly Hyungwon appeared.

“YN, if you’re not busy up here can you come back into the office to help me with something? It’ll only be a few minutes, I want to know I’m doing this right,” he said.

Johnny’s glare shifted from her to Hyungwon, but neither of them paid him any mind.

“Sure, I’ll be back there in a sec,” she said.

Hyungwon nodded and disappeared again. And though it was clear that Johnny had something to say YN ignored him, turning to tell Yoongi only to get shooed away before she could open her mouth. She shot him a quick thumbs up and then hustled back to the office.

“What’s up?” she asked as she closed the door behind her.

The moment Hyungwon had her close enough he pointed to the screen of their computer and started to explain how he’d tried to do something in the excel sheet for the month’s vendor expenses but something went wrong. He walked her through the whole process before she stepped in to show him what he’d done wrong for it to not to work. And then they went over some of the other sheets to ensure they were right, as well as some of the vendor request forms that needed to get done by that time the following week.

It was an easy conversation and though weeks before YN thought she’d still be awkward and apprehensive; she’d managed to find a good groove in dealing with Hyungwon as a business partner and ignoring the pain from the past. He was someone who put himself fully into his work, so it wasn’t hard to mesh with him on the subject. In fact, he got more work down in the weeks he’d been on board than Hyuk in the years he was YN’s partner. She never minded doing all of the work before, but she also would never deny that having some of the weight off her was refreshing. Even in situations where she had to double check and teach Hyungwon the ropes a few times.

When they were done she stood from her seat and stretched, her eyes meeting the clock to see she’d been back there for almost an hour.

“Is there anything else you need?” she asked.

Though Hyungwon shook his head at first, he stilled for a moment and then whipped around to look at her. The expression on his face startled her with its seriousness, his eyebrows furrowed and the frown on his lips was intense. There was also a glint in his eyes that she recalled from when he found out some not happy news and a part of her worried greatly about what he’d say.

“Actually. I would like to apologize,” he said.

That confused YN for a second because she’d still be in work mode, until she saw the way his body sagged and then it clicked in her head. Her hands went up in defense as she shook her head rapidly.

“You don-”

“Please let me talk?”

And though her whole body screamed to not let him continue she couldn’t find it in her to not let him get whatever it was off his chest. So, she took a deep breath and nodded so that he’d continue, she didn’t trust herself to say the right thing.

“I know I apologized then and I meant it, even if I did the thing where I pretended like it wasn’t my fault and that you should’ve forgiven me. I fucked up on so many levels and I didn’t mean to. I need you to know that it was never my intention, I just… I don’t know how to explain it. That night is a weird blur of sadness, drinking, and feeling someone wanted to be in my presence and cared about my feelings. I gave in for stupid and selfish reasons. He told me you’d broken up over a week before, but even then it wasn’t an okay thing to do. I know that. I knew when I agreed. I knew when it happened. And I knew the entire time after.

“I have no valid excuse for my betraying you like that. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. And I’m even more sorry that I’m messing with your dream. It wasn’t my intention at all. I swear to you I didn’t know you were the co-owner when the contract was signed. And I’d planned to back out after I found out, but it was too early in the contract for me to be able to sell it to you and I would’ve had to sell it back to him. And I’ve worked with Hyuk before, he will continue to fuck things up. And I guess I’m using a lot of words to say I’m sorry and I’m rambling, so again I’m truly sorry.”

By the end of his tangent YN was left confused and unsure. She could see the sincerity, something he’d never been able to fake, and she knew he felt sorry for his actions when it happened, but she didn’t know how to respond. There was nothing in her head that felt like an accurate response to what he’d said. Especially the apologies, because she’d forgiven him a year after the incident. Not in a whole ceremonious way of letting it go to move on, but she realized she moved one already. The hurt wasn’t gone and she knew if she saw him her reaction would not be positive, but she knew that if she did see him and he spoke to her she’d probably be willing to talk it through with him. Hell, she’d thought about it for half a second when he first stepped foot into the bar, but he’d chosen the snooty demeanor and she’d thrown it away in an instant.

All of that uncertainty must have been clear to Hyungwon, thankfully, because he cleared his throat to regain her attention and then smiled at her. A real smile. The first smile she’d seen on his face since the first time she’d seen him again.

“You don’t have to say anything right now. You don’t have to say anything ever really. We can act like I didn’t say anything at all and keep going how we’re going. I just wanted you to know that,” he said.

YN’s mind scrambled to find a response after that because it didn’t want to have said nothing, but she ended up nodding and walking out without saying a word. She’d made sure to keep her expression light and offered a small smile before she turned away so he didn’t think she was running from him or hated him.

With her mind going a mile a minute she stepped into the staff bathroom to use it and run a cold, wet paper towel across the back of her neck to help calm her down. When she got worked up she got hot and needed to be brought down before it spiraled. It only took five minutes before she felt ready to head back out to the bar, though she wasn’t completely herself as she went.

A large part of her wanted to go back and yell at Hyungwon and then have a heart to heart, but she willed herself to keep moving forward.

However, when she reached the end of the hall she wished she’d done that. People seated at the bar had left and moved elsewhere, which made it easy for her to spot Johnny nursing a glass of water. He looked ready to drink it, but something else had his attention. Someone else.

Yoongi was standing directly in front of him, body bent over so that his arms rested on the bar between them. He wore a wide smile and reached over to poke Johnny’s cheek as they laughed together.

They were so close to each other and so comfortable, that it was almost romantic. Then with bated breath YN watched as Johnny ran his hand through his hair and winked at Yoongi, something he only ever did when he was flirting. A quirk that she’d pointed out to him once that he’d never noticed he did. But that wasn’t what made her stomach churn, it was the light blush that coated Yoongi’s cheeks as he punched Johnny’s arm.

Both men were flirting with each other and by their expressions it was far from the playful kind they’d done once when some girl kept hitting on Yoongi and wouldn’t understand no until Johnny stepped in as his “boyfriend.” Oh no, their flirting was real and natural.

And YN didn’t know which one it hurt more seeing do it.

At least once a month there was an event held at the bar and so YN wouldn’t open it to the general public. And by some miracle one fell on a Sunday and was during midafternoon, which meant she didn’t have work the next day and they wouldn’t be open late into the night. Both things were something she needed after over a week of feeling at her lowest.

The down feeling wasn’t new by any means, but it didn’t make it easier. Nor did her avoidance of Johnny, who usually knew the right things to say to get her out of a funk.

It was a consequence of her avoiding her roommate.

After she’d seen his interactions with Yoongi at the club she’d gotten over things pretty quickly, but they didn’t stop there. Though both males had talked before their communication ramped up. They were texting often and sometimes even video chatting. Along with that came an increase of them hanging out. On one free day YN had swung by to bring Johnny food at his shop, but when she appeared Yoongi was already there and they were eating. Of course, they invited her to join and she did, but it hadn’t been fun for her. Which was how she described all her hang outs with them. It was the constant third wheel kind of feeling and seeing as she had no time to adjust to her realization of feelings for both of them, she definitely didn’t have time to adjust to them possibly getting together.

All of it was too much at once and only aided along the low she felt. Which meant she turned to avoiding them when she could. Some things were changing for the club and that meant she had a built-in excuse to be busy. That coupled with her clearly being down meant that they left her be when she said she wanted to venture out alone or with other friends. And they definitely didn’t stop her if she just said she wanted to lay in bed all day and be left alone. She’d ensured that she did it a normal amount so not to alarm them and it worked for her.

Well, only worked in the matters of not being forced to third wheel. Though the times they hung out in the apartment while she locked herself in her room didn’t do much for her whole, dealing with feelings plan.

Not that she dealt with them well when not around them.

However, the day of the event she saw the light at the end of the tunnel for her funk. YN woke up feeling on top of the world and everything ran so smoothly from then on. They’d set up, received the guests, and kept the event running without incident. Minus the very drunk man who got weirdly passionate about telling the story about how the wine he was drinking was made and then proceeded to spill it.

Hell, even seeing how Hyungwon and his boyfriend mingled without issue brought her some sort of joy. And that joy was how her brain drowned out the voice that told her that Hyungwon’s boyfriend seemed familiar and not in the good way. Something that would have persisted if not for Johnny having approached her.

“Isn’t that the guy who showed up to that weeklong dating event with a different person each time?” he asked YN.

That was all it took for her brain to kick into gear and her head whipped over to look where Hyungwon stood with him. It took a single second to see his face and then recall all the times he’d come in with people and sometimes left with someone else. Or at the very least flirted with others, slipping people, including YN, his number while his date was preoccupied. He’d made her uncomfortable.

Those things weren’t cool and alone were enough to alarm YN, but that wasn’t the issue she found herself focused on when she stared him down. No, the problem was that when Hyungwon had appeared at the bar and introduced his boyfriend he’d spoken of how they’d been together for almost two years. That series of events had happened only two months before he became her co-owner. Meaning the man was a worse cheater than she’d thought he was.

“Oh, fuck me,” she groaned.

“Yeah,” Johnny said.

Though YN avoided eye contact with him most days the tone of his voice made her finally meet his gaze and it wasn’t comforting. In fact, he appeared a bit uncomfortable and unsure of how to react to the situation. She thought it was because of what happened, but then she glanced down to his hand and saw a business card in it. It showed Hyungwon’s boyfriend’s name and work info, but with a quick flip YN saw another number scribbled on back along with something about calling for a good time.

The man held no shame. Hitting on people with his longtime boyfriend present and the photographer of the event no less. Someone they’d hired to work it and would report back to them for how everything went. Truly the worst possible person because despite the possibility of lack of moral compass, the odds weren’t that great that he wouldn’t tell the person who hired him what transpired with their boyfriend.

A headache from it all was an understatement for what YN felt about it. But she knew what she had to do despite it all.

“Just…” she trailed off, taking the card from him and slipping it in her pocket. “Just don’t talk to him about it. I’ll bring it up when we wrap up for the night. It’s better I do it.”

“Are you sure?”

She wasn’t but nodded anyway.

Johnny didn’t believe her, but when she shooed him away to continue taking the photos he went without much hesitation.

From there she just worked to get through the last two hours of the event. She kept the bar going and even took a turn as a waitress when things got a little hectic since she hadn’t thought she’d need many staff on hand for something not that big.

Naturally, she hoped that it all was enough to keep her mind preoccupied, but that wasn’t the case. Any time she wasn’t focused, even for a second, her brain thought about it. And it was worse whenever she glanced up to see the both of them together as if one of them wasn’t a horrible human being. So much of her hated the idea of Hyungwon being hurt like that, even with their own past. No one deserved that. Plus, they’d made a lot of progress since he’d made that apology and YN had started to feel good around him. Like she actively wanted to be there. They’d even eaten lunch together a few times.

By the time everyone had cleared out and the staff was almost ready to go she snapped out of her own thoughts of dread to pull Hyungwon to the side. She said something about something she needed him to look over before he left for the night and he followed her to the office without hesitation. Which was good for her nerves, but not enough to quail the new set of anxiety that hit when his boyfriend said he’d wait and sat down at one of the tables. She would’ve preferred if he’d not been there to be confronted in her presence, but she didn’t have the luxury, so she pushed through.

When they entered the office she took a deep breath and turned to face Hyungwon, who appeared a bit startled and she assumed her expression aptly portrayed the discomfort and nerves she felt.

“I could prolong this because that’s totally what I want to do, because this makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I feel like you need to know. Your boyfriend has been here before. And not like just a random patron, but a person coming here on dates with people. Even attended a few events with a date in the last three months or so. And for the most part they’re always different people. And to make matters worse he’s always flirting with someone else when his date is away or even right in front of them. He’s hit on multiple staff members before, including me. Also, he slipped Johnny his card, with his personal number and a… flirtatious message on it.”

YN spoke so quickly she wasn’t sure he understood her, so the frown that appeared on his lips was what she used to indicate she could continue going. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the card, but before she could hold it up for him to see or hand it to him his hand was on her wrist.

Startled, she looked up to see the frown had left his face and he’d gone for a much more neutral expression, though his eyes held fire behind them. It almost made her flinch.

Hyungwon scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d stoop to this. He’d never even heard of this bar before I told him I was going to become a co-owner nor would he have the time to do that. Also, what could possibly be the problem with coming here with other people if he did. He can bring friends to events or out for a night of partying. My goodness YN why would you even try to spew such false info-”

Before he could finish, YN put a hand over his mouth. That confused him but didn’t stop the way he looked at her. And that only made her angrier.

She’d listened to his little rant about how she was wrong and hoped that he would change course. Hoped that the way his tone wavered every now and then was indication of him not believing his own words, but he kept going. If she hadn’t stopped him YN was sure he’d descended into words much less passive in calling her liar and into much more hurtful talk. And with the way she felt she couldn’t endure that. She refused to be hurt by him when all she wanted to do was help.

“I would never make up something like that. And I am not as stupid as to think people hanging out in a bar or doing the bare minimum of hugging is cause to deem them together. Nor would I sit here and make up being uncomfortably flirted with and Johnny getting his number and a not so ‘I want to be friends’ note from him. Something I was just going to show you. But that doesn’t matter to you apparently. Because someone who's been harmed by something as bad as cheating would totally make that up for shits and giggles or for some sort of revenge. Because I of all people who has let much worse slide would do that, right? Don’t believe me, that’s fucking fine. Live your life thinking I’d lie about that or misunderstand. But if you want to pull your head out of your ass you can look at this card, you can look at the files on the computer to see pictures from events, you can check the bar’s website and social media for the pictures too. Hell, go ask Johnny for them. He has more than he gave up and with the way he was making out with most of them I’m sure he has something to show that.”

After that YN didn’t wait for a reply, she simply turned on her heel, grabbed her bag, and stormed out of the room. She went out front so she could tell her manager to finish locking up and tell Johnny she wanted to leave, but when she got out there she saw something that made her feel even worse.

Johnny and Yoongi were standing across from each other at the bar laughing and being all touchy. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but then they leaned in close enough that they looked ready to kiss until Yoongi happened to notice YN and turned to look at her. His smile dropped and he stepped away, moving to get from behind the bar but she didn’t stay put.

YN all but sprinted out of the building with three voices calling out to her. And she didn’t stop until she was in a taxi, sobbing and asking to be taken to some bar that was far away from her own business and home so they wouldn’t stumble upon her.

From then on time moved in a way that she couldn’t comprehend. She reached the bar and immediately muted her ringer to avoid calls or texts. And once inside she greeted the bartender she was familiar with and asked for a drink. Something she did until she was so drunk that she just barely was cognizant of what was happening around her. Of course, she wanted more, but she needed to be responsible despite all the things that had crumbled right in front of her.

“I called you a taxi, it’s out front. Go home YN,” JB, the bartender, said.

Though part of her wanted to say no she simply nodded, paid, and headed out to the taxi that waited for her. She managed to walk normally until she reached the taxi where she stumbled a bit and had to be helped inside. Once she and her driver were in their seats she slurred her words and told him her address. He grunted and they were off.

The whole drive her brain kept trying to figure out how’d she’d deal with Johnny when she got home or Yoongi when she had to work. Her brain was so hazy that she couldn’t form full ideas for Johnny, but decided she’d just have someone else take her shifts with Yoongi. That answer made her so proud that she smiled and patted herself on the back.

However, the back patting stopped when the driver stopped and she got out, only to realize he’d dropped her a few blocks from her apartment. He’d driven off by then and she felt slightly more sober, so she started her trek home. There was some tripping over her own feet and stopping when her vision blurred but she did okay.

Ten minutes in though she felt her stomach drop as she heard a voice.

“YN? Got damnit, YN where have you been?” Yoongi called out.

Though she heard him clear as day she continued walking without even a glance backwards. She even put a pep in her step, though that was less about avoiding him and more about being miffed about the use of her full first name.

“YN, could you stop,” he said.

She continued ignoring him. Even when she stopped to put in the code to her building, when she stopped to wait for the elevator, and when both of them stood in the small space together. Yoongi was displeased, but he didn’t force anything simply followed behind her.

He tried to speak again once they entered the apartment, but he wasn’t the only one.

“Can you just answer m....”

“Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calli...” Johnny started

Regardless of their concerns she continued to ignore them both, even tuning out what they had to say as she kicked off her shoes and deposited her bag on one of the hooks near the door. The plan was to walk past them and into her room where she would pass out, but as she made her first step she tripped over a box that she hadn’t seen.

Thankfully, they caught her and got her standing and steady. She muttered a quick thank you and then looked at what had been her undoing, only to see a box she’d asked Johnny to move multiple times.

That surely brought up some anger as her head whipped up so she could glare at him.

“Why can’t you just listen to what I say? Or better yet understand that there is an issue? That all signs point to a fucking problem if you do something like that? Why? I’ve almost hurt myself like ten times already and you have yet to move it!”

Johnny’s own anger subsided a little and he appeared sheepish for a second, mumbling an apology and moving the box out of the way. He turned to her after, but she didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say or talk about, so she attempted to storm off to her room as planned. Attempting was key in that, because the moment the foot that hit the box touched down on its own she cried out in pain.

“Fuck,” Johnny said as he caught her and held her up.

“Stupid fucking box!” she screamed.

“Oh, fuck. What can we do? How can we help?” a panicked Yoongi asked.

YN cursed a few more times as the throbbing settled in.

“Just take me to my room. I just want to sleep and not deal with this shit.”

Both men nodded and helped her to her room, carefully placing her down on the bed. From there she slipped off her jeans - she had leggings on underneath - and shrugged off her heavy sweater so she only had her sports bra on. After she got comfortable in the bed, using a pillow to put under her throbbing ankle and threw a bonnet over her hair, thankful to be wearing it braided.

As she got comfortable and prepared to sleep she realized that neither of them had left and when she prepared to tell them to both men crawled into the bed with her, getting on either side.

“What are you do-”

She wasn’t allowed to finish though because Johnny cut her off.

“Can we just stay? We know we stressed you out in the last few minutes and we feel like shit. It would make us feel better and if you say no, we’ll just sit on the floor or outside your door.”

Yoongi nodded. “We’d just feel better closer.”

Though she opened her mouth to argue she found that with the pain in her ankle and the alcohol wearing off she was too tired for it. So, she said nothing and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself and laying completely still until she fell asleep.

Or mostly fell asleep. With the two of them in her bed so close and radiating so much body heat she found it hard to slip completely. Not that either of them could tell that she wasn't asleep.

"It has to be more than the Hyungwon situation. I think I know what it is and that means we need to tell her soon,” Yoongi whispered.

"Wait. What? We have everything set for a week. Can it not wait?"

"Have you seen how she's been acting lately? She's pulling away from both of us and a week gives her more time to put more distance. We won't have a chance to come clean by then or even get a proper conversation in about it. She'll just think it's pity or not feel enough to care."

"Okay, tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, it's an off day and she's ahead of all her work, so even if she goes in it'll be fine."

Silence followed that and then soft snores.

Their words confused her, but she also felt her stomach drop as she imagined them saying they were together or any other thing that would make her distressed. Her mind couldn’t stop thinking of possibilities and she finally knocked out as a way to avoid the overthinking.

When she woke up it was around three in the morning and it was because she was overheated. Confusion filled YN as she couldn’t figure out the problem, only to open her eyes and see both men cuddled into her from either side. Everything came rushing back to her at once, but she was still tired enough that she prepared to ignore it and go back to sleep.

Until she noticed their hands intertwined over her body. Nausea hit fast and before she knew it, she slipped from the bed and exited the room. It was the only time she was happy that either of them were heavy sleepers.

She limped from her room and went to Johnny’s. She created a similar set up for her ankle and pushing down all negative thoughts she cuddled into one of his plushies and went to sleep. Though not nearly fast enough to stop the tears.

The day after chaos reigned, YN woke up surprisingly early but didn’t dare leave Johnny’s bed. She waited in the dark in silence until she heard Yoongi leave and then slipped into her room as Johnny was in the kitchen making coffee. She’d barely made it in without him catching her, but once she was inside and the door was locked, him knowing didn’t matter.

From then on she tried not to think about anything that occurred and just got undressed and into the shower. The focus was on getting clean and hoping that that hot water would help along her still sore ankle; resting it through the night had been enough to keep it from getting too bad and it hadn’t swollen.

After she was cleaned she made quick work of getting dressed and taking down her hair, allowing her twist out to take full form. It needed a little sprucing up and then she was done. Ready to tackle the day.

Though she didn’t know how.

Every few seconds her brain focused on the sounds of Johnny moving around the apartment. Mostly because he wasn’t in his room, but out in the living room near her door which meant that he awaited her exit. She hoped that he would leave and she would have an opening to slip out and avoid him a little longer, but she knew he was stubborn and didn’t have to work that day so he had all the time in the world.

Since grabbing her stuff and escaping wasn’t a perfect plan she was forced to sit on her bed and think out other ones. There was the obvious choice of talking to him, but with all that went on her head she didn’t want that. Plus, she wanted to be a punk for a while and not deal with whatever it was him and Yoongi planned to tell her. That left things like stay in her room all day, exit via the fire escape and come through the front to grab her bag and shoes, or just go out of her door and walk past him. Staying in her room would drive her up the wall and the fire escape on the building was not the best and she’d have to jump a foot or two to get off it, something that would agitate her ankle.

That meant that she had to walk past him, which meant she needed an excuse. She sat there thinking for a while until she remembered something important she’d put off and planned to do after the event. Something that was important to keep her business running and that she told Johnny about.

It was perfect.

So, after taking a deep breath she stood from her bed and exited her room with some faux confidence and a whole lot of fake indifference.

The moment she was in sight Johnny stopped his movement. He looked ready to move closer to her but seemed to think better of it. Something she was thankful for since she didn’t know if she could get away from him if he was close enough to stop her. He wouldn’t hurt her and would let her go if she asked but being stopped messed with the whole flow of things for her.

YN didn’t linger too long on what he was doing and just walked to the front door and slipped on her shoes. She then grabbed her bag and made sure her wallet and phone were there before her hand touched the door to open it.

And that’s when Johnny spoke up.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? I feel like we should talk about it. Among other things,” he said.

For a second that made YN freeze, but she recovered rather quickly. Maintaining her “indifference” she turned to look at his face for the first time since she walked out and shrugged.

“Maybe later. Don’t really feel like dealing with anything besides spreadsheets and those tax forms I need to get out by tonight,” she said.

Though Johnny still appeared prepared to push he seemed to resign himself when she said tax forms. As an owner of his own business he knew that was important and it took her awhile to get everything ready for her accountant. Which meant he simply collapsed onto the couch and nodded.

With that small victory YN opened the door and walked out. Part of her said she should at least say bye or when she’d be back, but she knew talking to him longer would’ve made it harder for her. She’d nearly cracked when she saw the worry and sadness etched into his face.

Time is what she needed.

No one foresaw five days of it to go by though. Not even YN.

After she’d bypassed Johnny she’d genuinely ended up too busy to have the energy for any sort of conversation. Mountains of paperwork hit and there were issues left and right. Even when she was in Johnny, Yoongi, or Hyungwon’s presence it was so work related that they didn’t even attempt to talk about anything else or ask her to speak later.

Even at home she was left alone, especially because she’d fallen asleep while responding to Johnny about what to order for dinner one night.

Friday night was when things slowed down and she took her usual shift bartending. It was a packed night because they were handling an event that they themselves were running to get more business. Which meant that most of the staff worked, as well as Hyungwon and Johnny who was hired to take pictures to go up on social media and their website.

It put YN right in the middle of all of them and it was uncomfortable, but she kept strong. Well, she committed to giving them the silent treatment unless it was about work. And it worked out pretty well for her, she managed to get through most of her shift without giving into any attempts to talk or pull her to the side.

The non-plan gave way for reasons she couldn't foresee though.

While she left to the backroom to grab more tequila she was trailed by Hyungwon, who’d tried to get her alone the moment she’d come to work that day. He was begging for a moment of her time even as they made their way back towards the bar, but she held strong. Something she regretted the moment she passed the bottles to Yoongi so he could prep drinks and then turned to see someone she didn’t want to.

Her ex, Jisoo, stood right in front of her bar with a few friend’s laughing it up. None of them noticed her for the first several seconds, which she was thankful for, but it didn’t last long enough for her to fully pull herself together. When Jisoo turned to request a drink he was met with a clearly shocked YN.

Jisoo appeared surprised as well, but he pushed that aside to smirk at her with a quickness.

“YN, I didn’t know you worked here. I just got back into the country and this was the first place my friends recommended. Small world. Oh, Hyungwon… what a surprise to see you here too,” Jisoo said.

That snapped YN out of it and she turned to see Hyungwon glaring at the male, his hand in a fist as he stared him down. For a moment she was reminded of the past as she looked at him. The pain rose up for a second and she felt sick having them in the same place, but she pushed it down. Despite their falling out they’d done well since reconnecting and she was mostly past it all, even close to asking him to hang out like a friend. Allowing a piece of shit ruin that wasn’t okay.

Never again would she allow Jisoo to ruin things for her.

With that spark of anger and confidence she turned to stare down Jisoo herself. She noticed Yoongi closer than before and Johnny standing behind the little group ready to pounce, but she waved them off. YN needed it to be her who went off.

“I own this bar and Hyungwon here is my co-owner, so naturally we would be here,” she said.

For a second Jisoo was knocked off his game, but it wasn’t long before he bounced back. He was like Hyungwon that way and YN hated it.

“Oh? I thought you two were no longer on speaking terms?” he said.

“Well, clearly what you thought was wrong,” Hyungwon chimed in.

Hyungwon’s words elicited a laugh from Jisoo for some reason and it made YN uneasy, but she held her ground. No matter what he threw she knew she could take it. There was no way she’d allow him to see her hurt or crying.

Jisoo shrugged. “I guess so. You’re still with Ji-ah though, right YN? Last I heard you and her hit it off.”

That was the thing to force a humorless laugh from her lips. Only Jisoo would mention her other ex whom he knew she’d broken up with a while ago when she’d moved to take a job at a company out of the country. A company that Jisoo worked at, at that.

Of course, he had to be a trash human in more aspects than one.

“No, but you know that. Since you hit on her, took her on a few dates, slept with her and then told her how you knew me. That's why you asked her out in the first place. You remember that, right? Oh, and you have to remember how she told your job that and so they demoted you, plus moved you to a different branch,” YN said.

And at last the smirk left his face. While pleased by that, YN didn’t ignore the way he tensed and the anger that covered every inch of his expression.

“I feel like you’re the one who should remember. Like remember how you cried when you saw us together. The hurt on your face as I kissed hi-”

Before he could speak anymore Hyungwon almost punched him in the face. If it wasn’t for YN hip checking him and thus making him stumble he would’ve made impact on Jisoo’s right cheek.

Once Hyungwon was settled and being held back by a staff member YN’s attention focused solely on Jisoo.

“I don’t want you or your friend’s here. Ever. So, I’m going to ask you to leave. There will be no argument. No putting up a fight. No asking to be given another chance. You will leave and never return, am I understood?” she said calmly.

Naturally, Jisoo opened his mouth to reply but YN cut him off by whistling. Within seconds two security guards were at the bar and Jisoo’s friends dragged him towards the exit. It was clear that he wanted to say or do something, but he left without much issue and after that YN could breathe.

However, breathing meant that it all came crashing down on her and the next thing she knew she ran to the office with tears streaming down her face.

The intention was to get in there alone and ride out whatever wave of emotion hit until she could pull it together and go back to work like nothing happened. Of course, that meant that the first part didn’t happen.

Hyungwon had followed behind her and slipped in before she could fully close the door. Though it bothered a part of her she didn’t have it in her to say anything or react. She did have the energy to cry harder though, her attempt at silent tears only lasting seconds before sobs wracked her body.

In her head all she could think about is what happened all those years ago. Except the pain she felt was amplified. YN knew it wasn’t because of that or at least the feeling wasn’t solely because of that. No, because after reliving that in her head her brain brought up every other failed relationship and honestly all the failures in her life. It didn’t stop playing the flashbacks until it reached the more recent things to fuck up her life plans and the uncertain romantic feelings she had to endure.

It was all too much, especially when it came at her all at once.

She ended up so in her own head that she didn’t feel Hyungwon pull her into his arms and hold her close. Didn’t hear the apologies and words of reassurance. Didn’t hear the curses about her ex. Didn’t even feel when he moved them from standing to sitting in a chair, her on his lap with her face in his neck.

And time passed so swiftly that she couldn’t tell how long they’d been like that once she’d come back to. But it didn’t matter because it heightened her embarrassment of what had occurred and she attempted to escape him, only to be held in place by bony fingers.

Once she stopped fighting Hyungwon removed one of his hands and used it to lift her chin, forcing her to look at him.

“Your crying is valid and don’t you dare think otherwise. None of that embarrassed or frustrated bullshit because you deserve to be able to release all that,” Hyungwon said.

Even after years apart he still knew her reactions to being overwhelmed through and through, and in that moment she was eternally grateful.

With a nod from her he didn’t stop there.

“That was unexpected and I’m sorry he was here. I forgot how horrible he could be and then he’s just gotten worse over time. You’d think someone would stop playing those games and trying to mess with people’s mental and emotional stability, but alas here he is. I think his company was planning to do an event here, I’ll tell them we’re canceling it and that he’s the reason. Might even throw in some security footage for good measure.”

YN opened her mouth to object, but Hyungwon gave her a look that shut her up.

“Besides that, and I know this is a horrible time, I want to apologize. The way I acted a week ago was uncalled for. When you said it, I believed you I really did. It was just something that wanted to deny that he would. Not necessarily for my own feelings, though they did come into play. But also, because he’s the one who came to me. I had no interest in him whatsoever, but he was persistent in a way that wasn’t creepy and I thought who would work that hard to just throw it away. Especially when they’d been the one to bring up the subject of marriage recently.

“So, I went on the defense and instead of just checking what you had to say or denying it and moving on I went to the worst possible conclusion. Said things I didn’t believe even as they left my mouth. And thus, for the second time since meeting you hurt you in a way that wasn’t okay in the slightest. And I understand that you may not want to work towards friendship. I like to think we were close to getting back or wanting to deal with me. I just want to apologize because you deserve one and I know I was in the wrong.”

What neither of them expected, least of all YN, was her to start crying again. Her head dropped onto his shoulder and she felt her body shake again as she let it out. Though she could tell he was confused by the way his body tensed, he didn’t say anything and simply rubbed her back gently as she cried it out.

About five minutes later YN spoke.

“You’re a fucking idiot and an asshole.”

Hyungwon laughed. “True. But you know what happened when you tried to get me to be nicer for that month. If we’re being honest you made me worse.”

YN laughed that time, remembering how Hyungwon spent every day being closely watched by her as he tried to not be snarky with people. By the end he’d given up and snapped on some annoying man that wouldn’t leave them be and she was sure she saw tears in his eyes as he ran away from the fuming Hyungwon.

He mellowed out after that, but when someone truly tried him he was a lot more than he used to be. YN marked that as a major fail and stuck to keeping him calm when he rightfully deserved to put someone in their place, which was oddly often at their school.

“Yeah, a mistake on my part. But at least I got you to start counting to ten before you unleashed yourself.”

“Ah yes, what a great help that is. Ten seconds longer of dealing with the idiots.”

They both laughed that time and when they pulled it together they talked. About everything in detail. Nothing was left off the table and by the end YN felt less weight on her shoulders.

By the time they were done about an hour and a half had gone by, meaning they’d been back in the room for over two hours and the bar was shutting down.

“I guess I should go help since I flaked on my shit at the end,” YN said as she got up from Hyungwon’s lap.

At first he nodded and got up too seemingly ready to follow her and the next he was giving her a look and grasping at her wrist.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“You need to talk to them.”

A groan escaped her immediately and her head tilted back as she blew out a puff of air.

“Nope. None of that. Talk to them. Tonight. And don’t be a stubborn brat and not let them finish what they have to say. I’m sure it would clear up a lot of things for her,” Hyungwon said.

There was no use in arguing because he would win and she knew he was right, even if she didn’t want to admit that to herself.

“Fine.”

And that was all it took for him to release her and take the lead on exiting the office. However, YN didn’t get the chance to leave right behind him. The moment Hyungwon was out, both Johnny and Yoongi stumbled in forcing her to take several steps back.

They both appeared nervous and disheveled, which helped calm YN for some reason. Though it didn’t get rid of all the feelings like she would’ve preferred.

“We need to talk. Now. We can’t keep putting it off,” Johnny blurted out.

If YN didn’t know how frazzled he got under pressure she’d be shocked by his actions, much like Yoongi who stared the man down eyes wide, but she’d known Johnny long enough to expect that kind of thing. What she was shocked about is how he didn’t dive into explaining right then and there.

Once she was sure he was done talking and that Yoongi had nothing to say she took over.

“We do need to talk. But it would be better not here. So, after we close up and at the apartment, yeah?”

That appeared to shock Yoongi more and Johnny too. They both probably assumed she’d be resistant or straight up tell them no. Things she debated on for half a second but couldn’t go through with.

“Okay,” they both said.

With that YN patted both of them on the shoulder and headed out to help.

About an hour after that everyone was done and headed out of the door. They said their goodbyes with the staff - and Hyungwon who hugged her while threatening what would happen if she didn’t give either man a chance to talk - then they got in a taxi to go back to the apartment.

Silence prevailed, which made YN awkward since she was sandwiched between them in the back seat, but she didn’t let it take over her. At least not too much. She held strong despite it and managed to make it out of the car and into the apartment without thinking of making a run for it.

The same couldn’t be said for either of the men though. YN hadn’t faced them until she was rid of her jacket and shoes and sat on the love seat, but the moment she did they froze. For a second they stared at each other both expressions unsure, but then they seemed to come to a consensus and finally fully entered the apartment, taking a seat on the couch.

Again, they were immersed in silence, but that only made things more tense.

“Go ahead,” she said.

Thankfully, they didn’t take long to react to that.

“We,” Yoongi started, pausing to look at Johnny before continuing. “We know we’ve done a horrible job at making things clear to you. We’ve been a little secretive and haven’t made the most effort in ensuring you were okay when we saw that something was off. It was a major fuck up on our part, one that could’ve prevented if I hadn’t been so stuck on keeping a certain timeline on how we should talk to you about this. And I’m starting to ramble when it was agreed upon that I would tell you so we could get straight to the point. And oh my fucking goodness, will I stop it already. Okay, basically we both want to date you.”

YN felt her entire body tense as confusion filled her.

“Excuse me?” she said.

That went unheard though.

“That’s not how we agreed you’d say it,” Johnny whined.

Yoongi scoffed. “It is. Well, not exactly but all the words I used were in the agreed upon statement.”

“Maybe, but you could have at least tried to eas-”

“Excuse me!” YN shouted.

That stopped Johnny and got both their attention.

“You don’t get to drop a bomb like that and then not elaborate. Especially to a very confused person whose last week has been trash. Explain yourselves.”

There was another silent moment of them staring at each other and then Yoongi gestured for Johnny to go ahead. Johnny rolled his eyes but turned his full attention to YN before speaking.

“What Yoongi said was true, we do both want to date you. But before you start to spiral and come up with your own conclusions let me fill in a few things. We’ve both known Yoongi for over a year now, you more than me. And he and I have always clicked despite how worried you were that he would slap me upside the head for being too friendly and getting in his space. It’s an easy kinda friendship we’ve had going, but then that day at the bar a few months ago we really clicked. I know we’ve been obvious about the attraction and it’s only built over time.

“The thing is we soon realized that both of us also feel something for you. Those feelings are from before we ever looked at each other that way and despite the growing feelings between us it was still there. Yoongi just about lost his shit when he realized and was very confused. And well, you know that most of my relationships have been poly, so it was nothing new for me. Though still kinda surprising because I thought I’d continue to live my life not acting on feelings for you I’ve felt for years.”

“I’m sorry what?” YN practically screamed.

The interruption earned her a glare which quieted her despite wanting an answer.

“As I was saying. I was planning to not act on them, but then suddenly someone else who I liked felt the same way for you as I did and it felt like a chance. That plus Hyungwon telling me I was an idiot for not realizing the crush you had on me before you got with dickwad back in college after he overheard me talking to Yoongi. But either way everything aligned and after I got Yoongi to accept that this was a viable option we started doing those group hangouts. To us they were test dates, but then we… well we…”

“We realized that we weren’t including you as much as we thought and could tell how third wheeling it felt,” Yoongi said.

Johnny nodded. “Yes, that. We failed to factor in as people who know each other, but don’t know each other and who are using those outings as dates we’d get caught up in each other. Which we realized but didn’t realize how bad until yet again Hyungwon overheard us. Told us we were idiots, because it was clear that you felt something for both of us and yet we were both going around acting like a couple in early days while dragging their friend who didn’t know we liked them around. And then we decided to fix things, but then the falling out with Hyungwon happened and nothing worked so we were unsure of what to do next besides maybe cornering you. So, yeah.”

With the way Johnny so abruptly ended that YN was left unsure of how to proceed. What had been said was a lot to take in. Not because it was wild or out of her comfort zone, but because despite feelings she’d had no time to process her own. She knew how she felt about them both, but she’d never allowed herself to linger on it too long to address how to handle things. And when she found herself finally admitting it things went to shit and she thought the only people she’d been interested in in years were on their way to dating each other without her ever having a real chance of seeing if either of them felt the same way.

Since YN hadn’t gotten that out of the way she definitely had no time to factor in any poly relationship. Like Johnny said she did know he was into it, but Yoongi wasn’t someone she knew well enough to know if he was down for that. He didn’t judge it, but not caring about how people lived their lives and actively participating were two different things.

Just the thought of having that conversation with him made her nervous despite it being more of what he would have done in the past and not in her present since she’d heard that he’d agreed with it. At least that’s what she thought they said. Her brain was frazzled.

“Hold on,” she finally said after minutes of silence. “So, I’m clear. You both want to date me and each other? You just failed to realize that you should’ve gotten to know each other better and go on dates alone, before trying to test out a poly relationship with me without my knowledge?”

“Yes,” Yoongi said while Johnny nodded.

Without warning pillows from the loveseat were in YN’s hands, she was standing, and said pillows were making contact with each male’s body.

“You. Two. Are. Fuckin. Idiots. How. Could. You. Not. Think. That. Through? What. Happened. To. Being. So. Got. Damn. Smart. Huh?”

Each word was spoken in time with the pillows swinging down on them. And though they squirmed they didn’t try to dodge or take them away from her. They let her keep going until she was satisfied.

Upon her clearly giving up her attack they both reach out and pull her down onto the couch so her body stretched out across them.

“Yes, we’re idiots. And we’re sorry about not thinking things through and telling you. But we’re idiots who are smitten with you and would like a chance to date you,” Johnny said, his hand moved to find the spot at the back of her head that she enjoyed being scratched. She didn’t even care that he was messing up her hair a little, just relaxed into the feeling.

“Ditto,” Yoongi said.

That drew glares from Johnny and YN, which he responded to by throwing his hands in the air in surrender.

“We are really sorry. And if you could let us date you, it would make me very happy,” he said.

His second response sated both of them and they relaxed back into their little moment. And as time ticked by they all grew more comfortable. There was more to talk about, but they cleared the space and it was clear they were all relieved. YN most of all.

Though she tried not to show it, YN felt giddy and wanted to giggle as she watched them both interact with each other and her. So much so that it slipped out when they both leaned over to press kisses to her cheeks. It seemed to amuse them, but she was so embarrassed she slipped away to change and scolded herself for the behavior. Not that she didn’t do it again when her mind replayed what happened.

They spent the rest of the night watching TV and eating food they’d ordered. It was peaceful and comfortable, so much so that they almost fell asleep on the couch.

Two in the morning rolled around before they all dragged feet to climb in Johnny’s bed and knock out. YN wanted to sleep on the outside of the bed, but ended up sandwiched between the both of them, not that she complained about it.

Once they were all comfortable they said their good nights and tried to sleep, but one adjustment by Johnny against her ass had YN slapping his arm.

“You cannot possibly be hard right now,” she whined.

Johnny pressed closer after that, grinding his dick against her ass more.

“You can’t possibly be calling me out on it right now as if it hasn’t happened before,” he mumbled.

“And both of you can’t possibly be having this conversation while I try to sleep. Go to bed before the next thing you’re both complaining about is how bruised and sore your asses are,” Yoongi chimed in.

Though it was meant as a means to shut them up all it did was elicit whimpers from both of them at the thought. That’s when Yoongi sat up and stared down at them and even in the dark they could see the smirk.

“Oh, you like that do you?”

They both nodded eagerly.

“Then strip.”

Neither of them had ever moved so fast in their lives and it was beyond worth it. Complaining was kept to a minimum the next day, but only because Yoongi took very good care of his babies and made sure to kiss their booboos all better.

[palettes-and-prompts]

Some Friends to Lovers Prompts for Anon

Dialogue Prompts for Friends to Lovers

1) "We're just friends! We just hang out a lot and are really similar and we just understand each other better than anyone else. It's not like that." 2) "I just don't think this person's right for you, you should date someone better, someone who gets you, someone like-" "You?" 3) "I don't know if I can just be friends with you anymore." 4) "Why are you being so secretive all the time?" "Can we please go somewhere quiet?" "No, whatever you have to say to me you can say in front of everyone here." "I'm in love with you! I'm in love with you and I've been in love with you and so I've been avoiding you because I didn't know how to say it and I didn't want to lose you and I just wanted to do this privately." "Let's go somewhere else to talk." 5) "Why did you wait to tell me this? I'm about to leave for a trip I didn't even want to go on because you made it seem like you wanted me to go." "I don't want you to go. I don't want you to go but I want you to do what you want to do, not what I want you to do. So what do you want to do?" "I wanna stay here with you." 6) "You were right, you were right about everything, I'm in love with Person B and I don't know what to do. Should I just pretend? Should I tell them?" "You just did. I was gonna tell you I put you on speaker so you could say hi to everyone but you jut kept talking." "Goddamn it, Person C!" "Person B says you should call them." 7) "I know I'm not good at this whole emotion stuff but I like you. I've got some issues I need to work on, but having you along with me just makes me fee better. I feel better when I'm with you." "I like you too." 8) "I'm in love with you." "You can't keep saying that every time I put extra Mcnuggets in your bag." "No, this time I'm serious. You're my best friend and I'm in love with you." "I'm not giving you a Mcflurry too." "No! I mean it." "Like, for real?" "I'm Mcfuckin serious right now." "I'll take my break early, just sit over there for a bit. If you're just joking I'm going to kill you." 9) "You're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think about before bed. I'm in love with you." 10) "I don't think I want us to just be friends." 11) "I love you." "Aww, I love you too, you're my best friend in the whole-" "No. No, I-I'm in love with you." "What?" 12) "I think I'm in love with you." "Yeah, that's obvious." "What? It is?" "Yeah, but I love you too." 13) "I like you, and I know we're best friends and I know it's weird but I can't stop thinking about you." 14) "You can't go out with Person C. They're fucking boring and unfunny and you need someone to make you laugh and I always make you laugh so hard you your drink shoots out your nose. But it doesn't even gross me out because you're so cute. And like, they don't even get all the jokes you make. They're fuckin' lame and they don't even make you smile and you have a great smile. You shouldn't date them, you should date me instead." 15) "Is it weird I kind of want to kiss you right now?" "Is it weird I kind of want you to?" 16) "What if this ruins our friendship?" "Then we'll stop being friends." "We can't stop being friends just because of a game of Uno." "What if afterwards you don't wanna be friends and you wanna be more than friends." "This would have to be the most seductive game of Uno for that to happen." "Should I take my pants off then?" "Shut up and shuffle the cards." 17) "Hey, what's your Netflix password?" "I'm in love with you." "Is that a capital I or?" 18) "You know, we've been roommates for a long time and I've grown used to waking up to you in the morning. So much so that I can't really picture myself living with anyone else so I was wondering if maybe you and I could-" "Adopt a dog together?!" "I was gonna say try dating." "Oh! Well...can we get the dog too?" 19) "Is that my shirt?" "Yeah, I borrowed it, is that okay?" "Yeah, I...you just look good in it." "You should see how I look out of it." 20) "I'm not in love with them. I just think about them a lot because they're my friend. And I worry and about them because I care about their safety and wanna know if they're alright. I wanna be there for them for the rest of my life and it's just not like that. It sounds like it is but it's not. We're just friends."

Regular Prompts for Friends to Lovers

1) A and B are best friends but their relationship is strained when A starts dating C. At first B thinks they're just upset they don't get to spend as much time together, but when they all spend, including C. They realize they don't like seeing A and C together and what they're feeling isn't a loss of a friend, it's jealousy. 2) A has a thing for their best friend B and it's obvious to everyone but B. They decide to set them both up for a blind date and when they get there they think it's a double date C set up but when the "other dates" never show up they have dinner together and start to think they don't mind having dinner with them." 3) A has never wanted kids so when they, along with their best friend B are asked by C to watch their kids for a few weeks they don't really want to. But by the end of it they're used to it all and have grown to like the idea of having kids, but they realize they've only ever wanted to have kids with B and no one they've ever previously dated. (Bonus if B loves kids already and has always wanted them.) 4) A and B are trapped in a house by "crazy killers" and when they start coming in looking as if they're going to kill them A admits they've always loved B and that if they're going to die they at least wanted to say it. After A confesses the lights turn on and the people take off the masks, revealing themselves to be A and B's friends. (Bonus if B is dating A's best friend and they're one of the "killers" or B set the whole thing up because A's never been scared before.) *This probably works best for Halloween or October but whatever. 5) A's been trying to tell B about their feelings but keeps getting interrupted but when they get stuck at the top of the ferris wheel together they're interrupted one last time by B admitting their feelings for A. (Bonus if B's terrified of heights so they only do it because they think they might die.) 6) A's in the hospital and B is told by C that A's in a coma. B walks in seeing A hooked up to everything and they just break down and start confessing to them right there on the spot. A then proceeds to say, "I love you too but shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep." That's how B finds out C lied about the coma. (Bonus if A's in the hospital because they just forgot to eat properly like a person.) 7) A is getting married, not to Person B but B's best friend C. Before A's ceremony B confesses everything to them and tells them that they can't watch them marry someone else but they'll be at the reception to congratulate them and give their best man/maid of honor speech. (Bonus if A or C run out to confront B.) 8) A has a huge crush on B and B only finds out because they they go through A's spotify they have a private playlist of nothing but love songs dedicated to them. (Bonus if B decides to make one and send it to A and they'e all the love songs A reminds them of.) 9) A gets drunk and calls their friend and confesses their feelings for B. (Bonus if B's name in their phone and their friends name are similar or nicknamed similarly so they call B instead.) 10) A is practicing telling B they're in love with them but when they say "I'm in love with you" in a dark room they say it to person C instead. And when Person C says it back they don't have the heart to tell them they didn't mean it. (Bonus if they end up actually falling for C anyway.)

[zappho]

Some Meta on Murdock and mental illness

Generally speakig, The A-Team is a dumbass, light-hearted comedy with action on the same level as youtube poop videos. Obviously there isn’t alot of depth to be found here. The show had tons of different writers, all with their own take on Murdock and none of them offer any clear info or a proper backstory for the character. It’s basically up to the audience to fill in the blanks and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do by overanalyzing the mess that is the show’s canon.

The question of whether Murdock is ‘‘‘really crazy or just faking’‘’ has been around for over 30 years, but I’m gonna argue that he’s both.

When Kelly visits Murdock in the psychiatric hospital and confronts him about why he’s living there in the first place he gets instantly uncomfortable.

He really didn’t want her to ask, it’s why he’s been avoiding her. Joking about how you’re hashtag crazy™ is easy; having to admit that you’ve been institutionalized for over 10 years because you have legitimate problems is much harder. (Sure, the VA also gives him a convenient cover from the military police, but if that was the only reason for him to stay he wouldn’t react to Kelly’s question in this way). “It’s a long story”, is all he says. There are clearly some painful memories here that he’d rather not delve into.

He’d have to explain how he got committed in the first place. We know that after the gang was arrested for war crimes in ‘71, Murdock was still serving as a pilot in ‘72. They never clarified when and how Murdock was sent home, but i’m guessing without his only friends around and it being, you know...war, his mental health eventually deteriorated until he received a medical discharge straight into the VA hospital.

After Murdock gets wrongly released in season 1, instead of his friends being worried about his supposed cover getting blown they just shrug it off and go ‘Oh well!’ (This could all be due to the show’s inconsistent writing, but you know)

No longer being an inpatient would finally allow Murdock to be employed as a pilot again (his #1 passion), and yet he seems really disheartened about the situation. Even though the hospital gives him no privacy, the staff barely respects him and he spends most of his time there by himself, he still prefers to stay.

For a character who’s allegedly cheery comic relief, he sure gets his feelings hurt alot, mainly when dealing with other people’s ableism towards him. B.A. and Face are obviously just palling around, just guys bein’ dudes, they don’t want to hurt Murdock for real, they probably don’t realize how sensitive Murdock is about the subject. Usually he plays along or shrugs it off, but sometimes he gets genuinely upset. In the first half of In Plane Sight he’s so fed up with it he tries to ‘‘act normal’‘ until #Woke #Queen Hannibal reassures him that they love him the way he is.

PTSD was barely starting to become a diagnosis when the show first aired, but I think it’s fair to say he suffers from it. The pilot episode states that he has anxiety, paranoia and memory loss, so that checks out.

With PTSD you don’t just have to deal with flashbacks and nightmares, but also intrusive thoughts, images and memories about your trauma. Murdock copes with it by getting hyperfixated on a new activity or pretending he’s someone else. This is were alot of people will go ‘‘haha wow look how wacky and insane he is! He’s talking to his sock 😂’‘. But Murdock knows it’s all made up nonsense, he just needs his mind to focus on something else. What’s important here is that he never lets his coping mechanisms distract him when he’s flying, first of all he’s already focused and also he doesn’t wanna crash (lol). There’s a believability to his actions that’s missing in the 2010 reboot.

In the episode where the gang helps out the vietnamese cook from the POW camp where they’ve been tortured, Murdock tries to distract himself with some golfballs. He soon starts projecting his trauma on them however.

I think this is the only time in the show where Hannibal tears up, so this scene is kinda significant. As the leader, he probably blames himself for getting his team captured and tortured, and seeing that Murdock is still so strongly affected by it gotta hurt. 

Compared to the rest of the gang, Murdock’s alot more fucked up over the war. There are subtle changes in his voice whenever he talks about it. In the ep about their old war buddy Ray, Face was reminiscing about how cool of a guy Ray was for borrowing him his helmet, Murdock’s memories meanwhile are much less upbeat. ‘My bird was the only one left in the sky’ he remembers while we see an image of a field filled with shot down helicopters. His experiences are bound to be different from the other three as a huey medevac pilot. Murdock did have one off-screen breakdown in the present timeline, after collecting every newspaper article about the upcoming execution of the team in Firing Line. Apparently it was bad enough that he had to be restrained. It’s been 10 years, so he’s recovering and getting better, but he’s still not all there yet.

Everyone knows Murdock’s just messing around when he’s being interrogated by the military about his connections to the team, but like what about when the military isn’t there; or NO ONE is. He often talks to himself or just puts weird shit in his mouth for no reason while nobody’s paying attention to him (eating leaves, paint, an entire raw egg, a frozen sandwich). Sometimes he’s just unhinged like that.

Another thing that’s brought up a few times in the show is his anxiety. Murdock’s often seen being generally tense, sweaty, uncomfortable or reflective in the background of a scene. (I have no idea if this was a deliberate acting choice but Dwight does have anxiety irl so who knows if that had anything to do with it, I mean who knowsssssss, i’m just observing)

He’s got a habit of fidgeting with his hands or touching his neck when he’s stressed out. Murdock also does it when he’s telling his psychiatrist Dr. Richter about his dreams “If you were me, wouldn’t you be terrified to put your head down?” he asks him.

Richter isn’t really paying attention though, because he’s so used to Murdock’s non-stop clownery, he can’t exactly tell when his patient decides to be honest about his feelings for once. He just replies ‘Well only if it was a bad dream’. Which really irritates Murdock because what other dreams besides bad would he have? So he derails the session by rambling some made up bullshit on purpose.

Richter knows that Murdock uses humor and fantasy to cope, but he’s obviously tired of Murdock’s cringe antics, he just wants to help him. But Murdock doesn’t like to open up and be confronted with his traumas again, he just wants to avoid talking about it all together. There are still parts of reality that Murdock’s not ready to deal with, or he wouldn’t always retreat into his fantasies.

Before he can continue messing around a helicopter passes by and Murdock freezes for a second. Richter assures him that the helicopter is real; Murdock nods and starts fidgeting with his hands again, seemingly in deep thought. We know from the season 4 finale that he hears the sound of rotor blades when he dissociates. He was definitely being sincere here.

After getting drugged by some military goons he has a few brief flashbacks (feat. cheesy 80′s neon filters): seeing the chopper fly away, getting stuck in a potted plant as if he was walking through the jungle, being surrounded by heavy smoke and sparks from the burning carpet).

Despite being the 2nd highest ranked team member, Murdock dislikes being in charge and gets severly distressed when anything goes wrong that he might even be slightly responsible for. Most notably is the episode where the owners of the diner get kidnapped after Murdock got knocked out by evil cowboys or hill billies or whatever they were. Instead of telling anyone what happened, he’s just lying on the floor, repeatedly calling himself a failure until the others show up.

Seems like Murdock gets startled more easily than the rest of the crew as well. We often see him flinch when guns go off; one time he literally wore fluffy ear muffs to a backalley shootout.

This short moment from Family Reunion always stood out to me. Face opens the van door a little too quickly and it takes Murdock so off-guard he has to take deep breaths to calm down.

Murdock sounds exhausted when he has to remind Face not to sneak up on him. Face also realizes he messed up, he just wanted to check up on Murdock and not trigger him on accident.

When it comes to portrayals of mental illness in fiction there’s obviously better representation out there than Murdock. But sometimes you just wanna see a mentally ill character have a good time instead of being miserable 24/7. And Murdock’s already got the worst behind him, he’s had therapy for years and friends who love him. I just think that’s refreshing to see, especially with a character who’s so kind and openly affectionate.

[countessofbiscuit]

What are your Bobasoka headcanons? I've already gone through all of the (criminally little) fic on ao3 and I especially loved Smothered and Covered, and I saw the majority of the fics in the tag were gifted to you so I'm assuming you're the OG shipper. Feel free to essay if you like!!

Thanks for the ask and kind words about that fic :3 

Oh, Bobasoka … where to begin? It’s a pairing that’s been bumping around in exchange requests for a few years — I figure it’d be easy for anyone invested in Ahsoka’s relationship with the clones to be compelled by the idea. Lledra used to draw Boba and Ahsoka interacting, and it was probably a few panels of their incredible Destinies comic that set my Bobasoka wheels turning. I’m also drawn to them because their journeys traverse so much canon; there’s not just a sandbox to play in, but a whole goddamn stretch of beach, stretching far out into the horizon ...  (#AhsokaLives #BobaSurvived :D)

I have to lead with the proviso that almost everything I write/daydream about/headcanon has a groundsheet of Rexsoka. Ahsoka’s interest in Boba, in my head, is intimately tied up with her attraction to and/or relationship with Rex — or, at the bare minimum, her intimate fellowship with the clones. She went through puberty (maybe with heats!) surrounded by a literal army of handsome, roughly college-aged dudes; that must’ve been a heady mix of heaven and hell. If she didn’t quench her thirst before war’s end and her (eventual) separation from Rex, she’d probably be pretty dehydrated when stumbling across Boba. As for Boba’s attraction to Ahsoka, well ... she’s very pretty, she’s potentially useful, she’s not likely to skewer him in his sleep (+2) on account of being a Jedi (-1), and now she’s the one down on her luck; if he falls in bed with anyone, why not this girl who isn’t afraid of him and stares a lot at his lips?                         

And Boba is like a hot shipping potato — satisfying, hard to fuck up, goes well (read: makes for an intriguing story) with almost everyone. And I think it has everything to do with his liminality, something he shares with Ahsoka and probably recognizes.          

Their neither-this-nor-that-ness overlap in such interesting ways, and they each bring their identity issues to the table — Ahsoka as an on-again, off-again Jedi; Boba as a clone who isn’t a Clone™, a Mandalorian by birth and bearing, but not by the book. At different points in their stories, they identify as different things, and that would affect their headspace and color their view of the other. They wrestle with themselves and each other. Force-user and bounty hunter; privileged topsider and orphaned juvenile delinquent fugitive; GAR commander and outcast clone; Jedi and Mandalorian; Disillusioned veteran and disaffected army brat; Rebellion agent and Imperial contractor.

And as much conflict is baked into these dynamics, it also generates a certain magnetism; and I believe they recognize, on some level, their shared trauma and the symmetry in their experiences. Boba and Ahsoka both have happy childhoods with very little to distress or vex them (beyond the art, I do not jive with Age of Republic: Jango Fett, a Disney-canon comic that not only doubles-down on the Jango-wasn’t-Mando nonsense, but shows him being rather cavalier about Boba’s life); Geonosis happens and their adolescent lives are dominated by war (which is how they came to actively threaten each other as space!secondary-schoolers — whaaaaatf!); they are both dubiously (even wrongfully) imprisoned; and they both suffer alienation and incredible personal loss.  

Boba was set apart from the clones before he was even pulled him from the jar, othered and elevated from the beginning. He never bonded with brothers, he does not identify as a clone. And while there are examples of clones making overtures to him, canonically his relationship with them is fraught and probably made worse when he gets banged up in Republic Central at the tender age of eleven or twelve — and of course, Ahsoka is an accessory to this, the second chapter in his tragedy at the hands of the Jedi. He needed help (whether he wanted it or not), it was not given by clones or Jedi alike (hamstrung by bureaucracy, sure, but surely some other means of intervention might have been lobbied for?), and Boba becomes a right teenage disaster, well-balanced only in the sense that he has a chip on both shoulders.

(n.b. Putting my RepComm hat on for a second, I can’t help but sniffle-laugh at the idea that the Alphas watched him get thrown in a maximum-security slammer and were like “Ah, there he is, the feral vod’ika. First time, we’ll let the little snot earn his stripes. Second time, we’ll bust him out and send him on a tough love retreat with A’den or Jaing.”)

Ahsoka, meanwhile, is part-and-parcel of the institutions that Boba sets himself against, even after she too has been cast out by circumstances beyond her control. She grows up in a supportive Jedi community and then spends some seriously formative years with a whole slew of brothers — brothers that should have been Boba’s! 

Boba, on the other hand, is a great example of the proverb that a child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. (As he tells Hondo, “Why should I help anybody? I’ve got no one.”) 

The resentment that must create! But also, later, the quiet empathy too — maybe when Boba’s having one of his better days and Ahsoka’s obviously not. 

And all of the above is interesting enough, without also touching upon the wildcard that is Mandalore.

Boba’s relationship with Mandalore .... well, that’s contested in- and out-of-universe and I won’t allow myself to essay overmuch. I subscribe firmly to a Mandalorian Fetts construction of canon, even though Boba must be someone who struggles mightily with Mandalorian identity. He’s raised by a bona fide Mando, a solicitous, loving father who’d have no reason not to pass on his language and beliefs; but at the same time, it takes that village, and when Boba’s clan of two is shattered, he has no one else. The loss of his dad unmoors him from his only anchor to Mandalorian culture and clan.

If Boba had been close to the Cuy’val Dar, one would think he’d have turned to them rather than fall in with Jango’s criminal acquaintances; or maybe the bounty hunters just scooped him up first, and troubled lil’ Boba was shepherded through bereavement by folks who enabled and encouraged him to externalize his anger in a way that gave him a (false) feeling of agency and strength. 

Whatever the reasons, Boba does not repatriate himself to Mandalore (much to Fenn Shysa’s melodramatic dismay). He strikes me as a lapsed Mandalorian; he doesn’t exactly follow the creed besides wearing the armor (scavenged? his dad’s sans helmet? canon is confused on this point, but he doesn’t go Mando until the unfinished arcs at the end of TCW, either for lack of stature, lack of armor, or lack of enthusiasm). I feel like if someone rocked up to Boba in a cantina and had the balls to ask “hey, so you a Mandalorian?” Boba would be like “<ominously slow helmet tilt> who’s asking” and never give you a straight answer.

Meanwhile, Ahsoka gets a crash course on Mandalore from none other than someone who, at one point, belonged to a sect that wanted to expunge Jaster’s legacy from the galaxy — and at the very least, had reason to dislike clones. This isn’t the place to explore my Boba/Bo-Katan feelings, but know that they are fathomless, and I would pay good money to be a fly on the wall of that Kom’rk when Bo-Katan gives Ahsoka Mando History 101 with her own special sauce. Ahsoka is probably more up-to-speed on Mandalore than Boba, and at one point, she may even own more beskar than him! (n.b. After the crash, I think one of the first places Rex and Ahsoka bounce is just inside Mando space, to scope out the Sundari situation and maybe try to scramble a signal to Bo-Katan; she’d have the goodwill to at least get them back on their feet if she can’t help them lay low herself. For a variety of reasons worth maybe ficcing down the line, they aren’t successful.)

I don’t really have a concluding statement except, I just think Bobasoka’s neat :) They hit all my depressed-Millennial buttons.

Headcanon by bullet-point isn’t really my style, but this is tumblr so ... tl;dr:

They recognize a lot in each other, even if they’re slow to admit it, if ever. Boba’s a cagey bastard and Ahsoka doesn’t ever like him enough to be emotionally honest.

They bump into each other during Ahsoka’s walkabout(s) ‘cause Coruscant’s Underworld ain’t big enough for the two of them. Without Slave-1, Boba couchsurfs at Nyx Okami’s garage, but he does his laundry at Rafa’s. He might even borrow the Martez’s new, useful friend for a job or two. 

Ahsoka eventually matures enough to be sensitive about her use of the Force on and around clones, and she definitely doesn’t use it around Boba. Definitely not during sex.

Boba is privately weirded out every time Ahsoka uses Mando slang she picked up off the clones or the Nite Owls.

Boba absolutely kills Cad Bane in that shoot-out, keeps the hat, and lets Ahsoka have it. She shoves it out the airlock and uses it for target practice. 

So many great smut flavours! Hatesex. Acquaintances with benefits. “You’re traumatized and touch-starved and you look just like him/them, and I know how to be gentle and what to do, so maybe we could … ?” They’re both privately comfortable with their bodies and sexuality, but Boba’s got trust issues a parsec long and Ahsoka’s lost confidence; it’s always an awkward affair, but desperation wins out.

They exchange comm codes every time they run into each other, which is kind of pointless because they both use burners.

Ahsoka hitches a ride on Slave-1 more than once. There really is only one bed, so it’s either sleep upright, sleep in a pokey prisoner hold, or sleep with him.

For a few years, Boba can pass as a last-generation clone — the ones that got sold off in bulk units to slavers before Kamino sunk another three years’ food, board, and training into them. Boba pretends he doesn’t notice, easy to really, since he tells himself his helmet is his face. But occasionally, when Ahsoka can convince him there’s profit in it, he agrees to play sleeper agent and assists in liberating a few here and there. 

They don’t talk about Aurra Sing.

When an Imp really crosses him, Boba passes on intel to Ahsoka to ruin their day.

Once, when they’re both super skint, Ahsoka volunteers to get handed in to some relatively minor and out-of-the-way Imperial garrison, so Boba can collect, bust her out, and split the pot with her. It’s the closest she ever comes to telling him “I trust you” — and when he brushes the idea aside, citing something about risk, it’s the closest he ever comes to telling her “I love you.”

Boba sees Inquisitors as muscling in on his game. There are so many lousy Force-users around nowadays, it should be easy pickings, but Inquisitors get privileged information. So he makes sport out of misdirecting them, especially from Ahsoka. 

When he pisses her off, Ahsoka fantasizes about Bo-Katan taking Boba down a peg or two while she watches :)))

Boba experienced Ahsoka’s heat once, secondhand through a cabin wall. He thought he was being clever by shooting Rex up with some Nevoota stim pollen, locking him in with Ahsoka, and hijacking their locked ships. Longest three days of his life, limping on broken hyperdrives and shared fuel stores to the nearest waystation to a soundtrack of violent lovemaking : \

Bounty hunters invariably bump into spies and agents because they work in the same areas. The agents pretend to be bounty hunters, eccentric business people, sex workers, or a range of other things. Sometimes each party knows all about the other, but it’s only polite not to mention it. This happens to Ahsoka and Boba A LOT, especially once she becomes Fulcrum; rebel cells and Imperials often want the same people. Occasionally they exchange fire. A couple times Boba gets imprisoned in Ahsoka’s own brig. Once, Boba blows her cover and definitely lives to regret it. 

(this essay was originally punctuated with pics, but replies with images won’t show up tumblr tags so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) 

[yatorihell]

In The Darkness Chapter 73 - Tenjin’s Will

Noragami x Harry Potter AU

Words: 2,403

Summary: Tenjin’s will reveals a vital secret.

Also available on Yatorihell AO3

The wedding was fast approaching. They had set up the marquee outside the Burrow, prepared the house and the food, and organised all of their outfits for the big day. Kazuma had recovered enough that he was up and walking, the bandages removed and only a half-hidden scar behind his ear to show for his bravery. His glasses had fallen from his pocket during the attack, leaving him somewhat blind and relying on an old pair of glasses Kofuku had found in the kitchen drawer for the time being.

It seemed strange that in the midst of the chaos there was a celebration, but it was a welcome one. Teacher-student formalities had been brushed aside, and it let strange to not have to call Kofuku ‘Madame’ anymore. It would be a hard habit to break.

But before any celebration, there was business to attend to.

Kofuku rushed upstairs to the rooms Hiyori and Yato and Yukine had been given. She popped her head around Yato’s and Yukine’s door after a sharp knock.

“Come downstairs, someone needs to talk to you,” Kofuku said. She disappeared before Yato could ask who, but he heard her muffled voice across the hall telling Hiyori the same thing.

Yato and Yukine exchanged looks and made their way downstairs, meeting Hiyori on the landing. Kofuku gestured to the open door across the hall, Daigo clinging to her legs as he usually did, and they filed in.

In the sitting room was a man they didn’t recognise. He wore a dark suit, robes and hat which he took off upon their entry. His hair was dark and short, the same colour as his eyes as they took in the three teenagers before him. Yato felt a chill run through him when he smiled, like an unfounded, imperceptible hostility directed towards him.

“Good evening,” the man said. “I take it you are the beneficiaries?”

Yato, Hiyori and Yukine exchanged looks.

“You mean… like, heirs?” Yukine asked.

“Yes, of a sort,” the man replied. He sat down and placed his hat on the table between the two sofas. Yato, Hiyori and Yukine sat opposite him.

“I am Mitsurugi, Advisor to the Minister of Magic Amaterasu. I am here today for the reading of Headmaster Tenjin’s will.”

Yato, Hiyori and Yukine looked at each other again, but their confusion went unnoticed. Yato watched, trying to place where else he’d seen him from, as Mitsurugi produced a small scroll from his pocket and began to read.

“The Last Will and Testament of Tenjin Sugawara no Michizane.”

The three of them straightened themselves, hands clasped in laps and over knees.

“To Mister Yukine, I leave my Deluminator in the hope it leads the way in the darkest of nights.”

Mitsurugi produced a silver oblong object, similar to a cigarette lighter, and passed it across the table. Yukine flicked open the cap and the lights in the room were sucked into the object with a click. He flicked it open again and they watched as the light returned to their lamps.

“To Miss Hiyori,” Mitsuguri straightened the scroll. “I leave my copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard in the hope she finds it entertaining and enlightening.”

A copy of an aged book was dropped into Hiyori’s hands, the cover shimmering with gilded lettering and the edges yellowed from age and pipe smoke. It smelt exactly like the headmaster’s office, and an unexpected lump formed in Yato’s throat.

“And to Mister Yato, I leave the first Snitch he caught at Hogwarts.”

Mitsurugi held out a golden Snitch in the palm of his hand, the wings concealed within its spherical body. Yato gently took it and rolled it in his palm, confused. He didn’t know how Tenjin could have such a thing saved away for him. Surely they just used the same one every match?

After a beat of expectant silence, Yukine spoke. “Is that all?”

“Not quite,” Mitsurugi said, but he was already rolling the scroll back up and tucking it away. His face had taken on a bitter look. “Tenjin left another object, meant for Yato.”

Another beat of silence before Yato’s curiosity got the better of him. “What is it?”

“The Sword of Godric Gryffindor.”

Yato paused. Beside him Hiyori and Yukine tensed, unsure if it was a bad joke. He could not see a ruby-hilted sword in the room, nor did it look like it was concealed on Mitsuguri’s person. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “So where is it?”

“Unfortunately, that sword was not Tenjin’s to give,” Mitsurugi abruptly stood and placed his hat back on his head. “As it is such an artefact of historical importance, it will be kept in its rightful place in Hogwarts.”

Mitsuguri looked back down at the three sat on the sofa. “My condolences for your loss.”

He tipped his hat and walked out of the door without a glance.

Yato looked at Hiyori and Yukine. “Anyone else get a weird vibe from him?”

“Like a basket full of spiders,” Hiyori said. So it wasn’t just him that noticed.

Hiyori and Yukine followed as Yato stood up, clutching their bequests as they filtered out of the sitting room. Kofuku seemed to be waiting for them by the open front door, having shown the Advisor out. They could hear Daigo clattering with a tea set loudly from the kitchen, followed by a shattering teacup and a soft 'uh oh', but Kofuku didn't seem to hear.

“Why is the Minister of Magic sending her minions to my house?” Kofuku asked as the three emerged. Her eyes fell on the items in their hands, and her eyebrow quirked.

Daikoku’s footsteps approached from outside, and a second later he was at the porch. He placed his hands on Kofuku’s shoulders, dwarfing her with a curious look at the items in their hands.

“Tenjin’s will,” Yato replied. He lifted the Snitch between his forefinger and thumb. “He left me this, and the Sword of Gryffindor – not that I’ll ever get it.”

Kofuku pursed her lips. Yato could sense the change in her mood instantly, as such was Kofuku’s rarely seen temper he had not yet been at the mercy of – yet.

“Well, I’m sure he had a reason to leave these things to you. You three were good students to him,” Kofuku said. She turned quickly and brushed past Daikoku into the kitchen. 

Daikoku gave them an apologetic look and followed after her. A few moments later they could hear his voice lowly talking, and Yato felt a stab of guilt that they, Tenjin’s oldest and closest friends, seemed to have received nothing.

Yato started up the stairs, closely followed by an equally guilty Yukine and Hiyori. They pushed their way into the small single room on the second floor where Hiyori slept and shut the door quietly.

“I wonder why Tenjin left these to us,” Yukine mused, finally feeling free to talk. He flicked the Deluminator open and shut. It did nothing as the only light source in the room was the sun filtering through the window. “And more importantly, why would Tenjin try to give you the sword?”

Yukine dropped to the floor opposite the bed, back against the wall and legs splayed across the floor. Hiyori picked her way over his legs to stand the window, arms folded around the book Tenjin gifted her.

Yato shrugged. He sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at the ceiling. He could honestly say he had no idea that Tenjin would have left them anything in his will, or why Kofuku and Daikoku weren’t included. But Yato couldn’t help but think it may have been his way in helping them even in death. “Maybe he thought it would help destroy the horcruxes?”

Yukine hummed in response, but Hiyori shook her head absentmindedly.

“No,” Hiyori answered. “Horcruxes can only be destroyed in certain ways.”

Yato and Yukine looked at her. Hiyori glanced at them and shied away, realising that she had put her foot in it.

“How do you know how to destroy horcruxes?” Yukine asked curiously.

Hiyori licked her lips and looked at Yato. There was a crease in his brow, and she could see now that there was no pretending that she didn’t know something.

“I was going to tell you, after the wedding,” Hiyori started.

“Tell us what?” Yato pressed.

Hiyori’s eyes fell on her suitcase, half-empty and holding only a few objects she’d brought from home. She placed the book in the windowsill and shuffled around inside her suitcase, pulling mismatched socks and a small clutch bag from inside. Hiyori turned back, holding another book to her chest. Yukine pulled himself back up and leant against the wall, letting Hiyori sidestep him to sit on the bed beside Yato.

“In Professor Tenjin’s office, when we went up there after…” Hiyori trailed off. She dropped the book to her lap to break away from the memory of Professor Tenjin’s office being cleared of his belongings. “There was a book on the desk that caught my eye: Secrets of the Darkest Art. It was taken off the library shelves years ago…”

Yato and Yukine looked on, agape that Hiyori had smuggled a book out of Hogwarts. A restricted Dark Arts book.

Hiyori continued, looking guilty. “It looked like Professor Tenjin was researching how to destroy horcruxes. I wanted to give you an answer to that question rather than another thing to worry about.”

“I can’t believe you stole a book,” Yukine said, shaking his head.

“I didn’t steal it, I borrowed it!” Hiyori shot back. “I don’t think Professor Tenjin would be angry – it’s not like we’re using it to make a Horcrux. It looked like he was trying to find a way to break the curses on them.”

“Does it say anything about how to destroy them?” Yato craned his neck as Hiyori opened the heavy leather binding. The pages were thin and inked in small black lettering, decorations and diagrams on every page of snakes, creatures and dark marks.

“It does,” Hiyori answered. She turned the fragile pages on the tips of her fingers, scanning the pages for the chapter she was on. “It warns Dark Wizards how strong the horcrux enchantments have to be. To break them, you have to use something very powerful so that the Horcrux can’t repair itself.”

Hiyori stopped on a page and lay the book flat on her lap so Yato and Yukine could see the inscription beneath a diagram of a horcrux. They cocked their heads and squinted, but Hiyori summarised for them.

“The soul fragment needs a vessel to live. If your body is destroyed your soul would live on, but it works the other way for a horcrux – if it’s the vessel is destroyed it won’t be able to survive.”

“So, we have to focus on destroying the vessel, not the soul?” Yato asked. His eyes roamed the page for clues, taking note of a hand-drawn symbol; a circle enclosed in a triangle with a vertical line dividing it.

“Yes,” Hiyori said. She gently closed the book and folded her hands across it. “But sometimes, the soul can latch onto fragments, so only a few things can completely destroy a horcrux.”

“Like?” Yukine prompted. 

Hiyori frowned. “The only thing really mentioned here is Basilisk venom. It's fatal and there’s only one antidote which is incredibly rare-,”

“Phoenix tears,” Yato and Hiyori said in unison. They exchanged looks and a smile quirked at Hiyori’s lips.

“Good, I’ve been trying to think of a use for all the Basilisk venom we have,” Yukine said dryly. “Maybe Madame Kofuku has some downstairs.”

“I wouldn’t put it past that woman,” Yato murmured. “At least we know of one thing that can definitely kill them.”

There was a moment's silence as they came down from the joy of the revelation. They may have found one way to kill them, but Basilisk venom was near impossible to come by.

Yato’s thoughts drifted back to Grimmauld Place. He wanted to go back there to collect the horcruxes, but Kofuku told him they would be safer there under lock, key, spell and enchantment. She was probably right – no one knew of Grimmauld Place except the Order. Still, they had no idea how the ring horcrux was destroyed. Sakura was the one to do it, and Professor Tenjin either didn’t know how or didn’t divulge that information to him.

“Do you think the Sword of Gryffindor can destroy horcruxes?” Yukine asked. “It would make sense since Professor Tenjin left it to you.”

“It doesn’t mention it anywhere in here,” Hiyori tapped the book twice with a finger. “This book may be just as old as Godric Gryffindor, so if it did, it would say.”

“Is there anything else about the sword that would’ve helped us?” Yato asked, dropping back on his elbows.

“The Sword of Gryffindor was made by goblins a thousand years ago,” Hiyori recited a passage that had enraptured her in her first year at Hogwarts, when they learnt about the founders and Hogwarts’ history. “Created by Ragnuk the First, goblin-made items such as the Sword of Gryffindor absorb what makes them stronger…”

The realisation clicked within a second of uttering the final passage. Hiyori whipped her head around to Yato, fingers curling into the rough leather of the book. “You killed the Basilisk with the sword, so maybe…”

“The blade has Basilisk venom within it to kill horcruxes,” Yato finished, eyes were shining. Tenjin knew the true nature of the sword – he knew it would help them defeat the Sorcerer.

“That’s why Tenjin left it to you,” Hiyori said softly.

Yukine rolled his eyes at the pair and huffed. It was already lunchtime and he could smell bacon wafting up the stairs. “Well, it’s no use to use now if its locked in Hogwarts. Unless….”

“We are not stealing the Sword of Gryffindor,” Hiyori cut in.

Yato and Yukine exchanged knowing looks that suggested that maybe they would have to. Yukine and Hiyori, after all, were still technically seventh-year students at Hogwarts, whether they decided to go back or not. It wouldn’t be too hard…

“I mean it!” Hiyori exclaimed. “We will find a way to get it without raiding Hogwarts.”

Yato, however, had a feeling that they may have to break a few rules if they wanted to defeat the Sorcerer.

[1oserjk]

— to be urs

best friends to lovers gone wrong. 

you, a simple uni student w/ jock of a bff, jjk. 

x masterlist

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“Fuck, I didn’t want to make this weird.”

“Too fucking late, Jungkook. It already is.” 

You were running away and he could definitely feel it. Just telling from today, the minute he woke up. There was no annoying morning text from you when you reminded him like all the other days on which tea you’d be drinking today, you didn’t wish him a good practice and you for sure didn’t call him for when he was on the way to it -- things were different for some reason.

At first, it didn’t bother him for a second until being the overthinker he was, decided that you were definitely prying into something he had no utter control over. That, or because of what Jeongyeon had told him at the cafe.

“You told her?!” He roared with vigour. His hands clenched from underneath him and the eyes of his had darkened drastically. 

Her hands raised in defense as she cries out in guilt, “Well, someone had to!” He only glares and bites firm on his lip. “You keep talking about her each day as if I wouldn’t tell her any of this. I’m her best friend for fucks’ sake and it’s honestly sad seeing you so mopey and lovesick..” 

“I’m her best friend,” he viciously corrects with crossed arms on his chest, “And fuck you.”

Teetering her head in reason, she says, “Well.. You won’t be after you start dating her-” 

“Jeongyeon, what the fuck,” he groans embarrasingly. “I shouldn’t have told you any of this shit.”

“For the record,” she starts. “She told me she already knew about it..” 

His expression drops wearily, subconsciously leaning in more for her to speak more about it - about you. “S-She already knew?” 

“Yeah,” she simply confirms with a shrug. “Sure, I triggered it but she was the one who figured it out herself.” 

His mind can’t wrap around itself over the news, “How?” 

“You’re not exactly the type to be subtle about these things, Jeon.” Her forearms rest on the table, “Like, what the hell was that after your game - you know, when she congratulated you?”

“Listen” he meagerly tries. “You don’t know what it feels to hear somebody that means the world to you to still say they’re proud after a game you’ve just lost - especially the one game out of all the other ones you’ve won from the whole season that basically counted your team as undefeated. I-It just hits different.” He shyly looks away and fumbles with his hands. “I mean, my parents are already obligated to tell me that I’ve done good and I appreciate that. But from her, it’s a whole other story. Like when she clings on to me and reassures that the one loss is nothing compared to the support she has for me.. Fuck.” He slumps and lets his head lull back on the cushioned booth. 

“Jungkook..” Jeongyeon tries to comfort. 

He doesn’t stop, back with more of a bitter bite to his words, “But everything is done platonically.. It always has been and I’ve always been okay with it. So why the fuck is she getting prettier everyday and why do I feel the need to do more than be a friend to her..” 

“Listen Jungkook, you might not have the answers to what you’re asking now. Not until you confront her over this matter. She’ll understand,” she tells honestly.

“Yeah..” Every emotion that he felt had swallowed him whole, even when Jeongyeon starts talking about her lame statistic project she had just started. His head feels heavy on his hand when he leans on it and he should really straighten out his back. 

Nothing mattered for the rest of the day, except you. 

“You’re avoiding me.” 

His melodious voice rings through your ears, bringing your hands to a halt from your wallet. You stare wide-eyed at the clueless cashier as he expectantly waits for you to pay the bill. Unfortunately, from the uninvited presence - you remain frozen. 

Clearing his throat, he handles it by passing off his card. He doesn’t know why you like to spend most of your money on the books you can uselessly borrow, only forgetting that you like to bend and flip them to your liking and underline the words of your favorite parts. 

When he gets handed the receipt, his heart pangs at the total. “God, _____.. There’s a library right across from us.” 

You kindly decline the plastic bag the clerk offers, plucking the books out of Jungkook’s hands and into your own. Leading him away from the line that grows, you grit out, “You didn’t have to pay and you know I can’t handle that type of responsibility.” 

“It’s a book,” he reminds plainly. “Not a dog.”

With a scoff, you hide away the quirk to your lips and smack him on his stupid bulky arm instead. With the time you’ve been using to ignore and avoid him, it was too damn easy to ease back into your snarky banter you both accumulated over the years.

“It’s cool that you’re here or whatever.. But, why?” 

His tongue runs across his teeth and lets his hand fall to his side. Shyly, he brushes through his hair, “We need to talk..” 

After tucking a stray piece of your own hair behind your ear, your hands rub nervously against your jeans as you nod, “Yeah, sure. Uh - But I’m meeting with Namjoon soon.” 

Even with his jaw clenching spitefully at the name, he only nods, “I’ll be quick - promise.” He couldn’t even bear to see you gleaming with joy over the bookworm you’d just met over a few weeks ago. He didn’t have a problem with him until you told him that you’d miss a recent game, just to go on a date - or the fact that he didn’t like you going on a date at all, either reason was definitely valid enough for him to draw out an X over his face anytime he saw him. 

The bench feels cold when you press your bare legs against it, even colder when he decides to seat himself right next to you. 

“So,” you awkwardly start. “What’s up?” 

“You know.” Is all he says and it was enough to be reminded about your conversation with Jeongyeon last night -- that your best friend likes you. 

Kicking the mulch underneath you, you admit, “Yeah.” 

Looking over at him, the tips of his ears had reddened and the ground seemed to offer most of his attention rather than you. He wished he had the guts to look at you, but it became difficult when you weren’t afraid to stare back - that was just who you were. You weren’t scared of confrontation as much as he was. You preferred a couple of friends rather than a group of them. You were good at socializing yet you chose not to for most of the time. 

He liked everything about you and it was gross because for a while before that, he didn’t. 

So why now?

“How do you feel?” He suddenly asks. 

Your tongue clicks at the roof of your mouth and you shrug, “Honestly? Heavily confused.” 

Even without understanding why, he doesn’t ask nor push on it - just nods. 

Hesitantly, you elaborate, “I just - why? We’ve always been friends, Jungkook. And now.. It’s different.” 

He sighed in defeat, “I don’t even know.. It just did.” 

Your brows furrow and you slowly break into the mold of anger you promised not to become, “I - What? Jungkook.. You can’t just show up one day and decide that you like me.”

His turn to scoff, he clenched tightly on his jaw to cope, “Do you think I wish to feel like this, _____? Like I decided I was bored and wanted to mess up a whole friendship?”

“I-I don’t even know,” you sputter, “But this is happening all too suddenly. A month ago you didn’t feel this way. You even went out of your way to say that Sana in the physics department was way prettier than me - which is very valid - but fuck, Jungkook. You liking me? Impossible.” 

Rolling his eyes, he finally meets the same passion as you, “I was joking, _____. Sometimes, things can change. A week ago, I saw you as my best friend. And then.. This week, you became so much more. I want to kiss your forehead and shit, hold your hand, hug you, invite you out to my games as my girlfriend..” His heart thrums in the worst way possible when you send him a disturbed look. Pointing to the pubications in your hands, he confesses anyway, “All the cheesy stuff you read in your stupid books, I want all of it.” 

Shoving them into your bag, you grapple onto his hands, earning a small yelp of surprise, “You can’t possibly want this, Jungkook. Don’t you feel weird?” Trying to prove your point, you drag his unreserved palm to your cheek and let him feel the supple skin beneath it. “This can’t be normal for us - being romantic and all - it’s a whole other fucking galaxy. We’re different.”

Aiming to become confident and determined under your pressure, he leans forward. You let out a squeak when his face inches closer. “Why are you acting like it’s impossible, _____?” His eyes searched every inch of your face to track any involving emotion that had even just the mere chance to reciprocate the same feelings he had for you. Nothing - just wide eyes that brimmed with tears. It was normal from you ‘cause even from how much of a stubborn girl you were, you were way too sensitive to handle any type of scolding anybody gave you - especially Jungkook. 

“Stop being a fucking pussy and just listen to what I have to say,” he orders. “I’m here and I like you, that’s all. Nothing has to change, we don’t have to change. You don’t have to force yourself to feel the same way just because I feel this particular way-”

“But Jungkook-”

“It’s okay,” is all he says to assure.”It’s okay,” he repeats again. For you, and for him. 

Loosening his grip on you, your head drops and your lips formed a pout as the tears start to fall, “I-I wish you realized this when I first met you,” you hiccup. “When I liked you too.”

In confusion, he whispers out your name. 

“But you were going back and forth with Sooyoung.. With Sooyoung for fucks’ sake! How could I even compete with that?” You mutter spitefully to yourself. “I didn’t even have the heart to tell you that I liked you, so I stuck to you as a friend instead, until all the feelings I had for you wore out. But now, when all of it is finally gone, you say you like me when you’ve went through all the girls you wanted, right? When I finally say I’ve found someone that’d be interested in me the way that I am to them. Do you think that’s morally right, Jungkook?” 

“Of course it’s not like that-” 

“You had all this time, Jungkook,” you inform numbly. “All this time to get your shit together and maybe get me too.” 

“_____.. I still have you, right?” His question is carried with eager eyes, searching that even with all the shit he unknowingly put you through, you’d still be there in the end. 

“Sometimes things can change, Jungkook,” you parrot his own words. “I liked you, Jungkook. But I trained myself so much to see you as only a friend that I can’t reverse any of it. It’s gone now.” 

His eyes waver in disappointment and every action in his body lags with too much defeat. 

Jungkook was too late.

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based off of stuff thats happening to me irl :// 

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[calypsoff]

Thrity Nine. Part 4

“Melissa! You have got to now take pictures of us. Get the camera out, oh my god. I am engaged!!!” Robyn is really doing the most, placing my arm around Monica watching Robyn gush over the engagement ring, she is flaunting the ring which I really did doubt, I didn’t think she would like it because I mean I am balling on a budget, but she is showing everyone her ring “somebody wanted to marry you? Congratulations” Robyn hit Rajad’ arm in annoyance “don’t come for me like that nigga, but honestly. Y’all see this!? I am going to be a wife” chewing on my lip just smirking, she is really happy, and it makes me happy “oh my god, everyone is going to be shocked, me somebody’s wife. Like I’ve heard people say I’m not wifey material, that I’m only good for sex. Men assume I can’t be a wife, I’m more of a whore to have sex with and that broke my heart. Before Chris came into my life men didn’t want me as a wife, and that really got me down, I was seen as a fuck and that was it. Even with my ex’s, it was the same so yes I am shocked but it did hurt me a lot, it knocked my confidence in a way of I thought I was that, but Chris came into my life and I’ve always said it to him, I want to marry but I didn’t think he would, people will think I am stupid to even speak like this but men saw me as that” Robyn sniffled, I hate that she is speaking like this. Moving away from Monica “Robyn let’s not think on that, it’s their loss. I told you if we were together ages ago, you would be on baby number three and married by twenty” Robyn wiped her tears and just laughed “I love you so much Chris, I do” her voice broke, hugging Robyn close “I love you more, you are wifey material. Just your sexy as hell and niggas going to be so angry to know you’re mine now, forever” rubbing her back “this is so cute, you better take care of my cousin Chris!” One of the girls shouted “as long as she massages my feet we good” Robyn snorted laughing “there is only one of us that have a feet fetish here and it’s not me” placing my hand over her mouth “time to go” she’s going to act out, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Staring out the car window as the driver took us back to Robyn’ mother’ home, it’s beautiful at night here. Robyn is laid into me, my arm lazily around her. She keeps on looking at the ring, I am happy. I made the best choice with the ring I got “I didn’t know you felt that way?” Looking over at Robyn that is still staring at the ring “yeah, when I was dating Rakim I never felt worthy of a wifey status, to me I just seemed like a good fuck. That’s what it was, and I don’t speak on it with you because I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me, like obliged to do it because poor Robyn but he made me feel that, because he was talking to his friend and he said wife that? No, she good for sex and I hated myself because I saw him as a friend, we were good as that, he isn’t a good boyfriend and every man I tried to date prior to him, it was like they always wanted to give me drinks, get me to bed. It was shameful, it made me feel shameful. And when I initiated sex with you that time, and then you changed on me I took it bad, but it was more because I felt dirty again, I felt not me, and it hurt me because you started being weird and we had sex. I always felt like I wasn’t worth being a wife because men made me feel that, so I am on cloud nine right now but yeah. That is it” she looked up at me, I never knew that “I don’t get why anyone would think that of you” I swallowed hard “you’re beautiful, intelligent, you’re not a whore like men assume, you have morals, you’re caring, loving. It doesn’t make sense to me when I see that you’re my wife now, so it doesn’t matter. I know I did some stupid things at the beginning; I didn’t know how to feel, it was just a lot to me Robyn. So I was confused but I wouldn’t have let you feel that way, we are moving on now” grabbing Robyn’ hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it “mine” she doesn’t need to ever think that, niggas are dumb as fuck to even think that.

Clapping my hands together and held my hands open “what you want now nigga?” Noella said side eyeing me “Majesty, let me hold her” Noella pulled a face at me, confusion on why I do “let me” leaning down “it’s late as hell, she needs feeding. Fine here!” She held her bottle out to me “daddy day care” picking Majesty from Noella “come here beautiful, I came here for you. I wanted to see you” sitting next to Noella “I didn’t think you would actually come back down” placing the bottle between Majesty’ lips “when my nephew was born I used to help with him, also Robyn is chasing up my suitcase, shit is lost” I laughed “oh no, don’t tell me it’s travelling to America?” I shrugged laughing “so I told Robyn my suitcase is not here, and she said where you left it, I goes at the venue. She said then call the venue and I goes nah, you do it because you’re my wife now and that is what a wife should do and walked off, all I heard was I am not a slave” I laughed “then I came down, now I am feeding Majesty” watching Robyn walk over to me “didn’t know you was the father?” Robyn is jealous “you want me to feed you?” Robyn rolled her eyes “anyways, I called my tour manager at this time of night, he said everything is still being packed away to leave. He will check with the dancer’s stuff because he can imagine it being there so anyways, Rorrey said he will borrow you clothes? Or we can buy some tomorrow?” Nodding my head “buy some” I guess I will have too “and next time do it yourself, I am your wife not your slave” I grinned at her “say that to me in the bed huh” Robyn put a finger up at me smirking.

Lifting Majesty up and lightly rubbing her back “you’re rather the pro at this, Robyn he is ready to be a father. He is burping her, look at him” I smirked looking at Majesty “I know, I’m just admiring him. It’s amazing to see what he is like with kids, I am sure you told me you weren’t ready but look at you” I knew she would say that “I was nervous at the time, I wanted life perfect at that moment, but I realised nothing is ever perfect. I was stupid at that moment but hand on my heart I enjoy taking care of kids, majesty is beautiful as hell, she really is” looking up at Robyn “oh no” looking down “look at me now” oh god, she is taking pictures of me “yes” I sighed out “smile for me” smiling a little “you’re so daddy, I like it but I get what you mean. Are you coming to bed now?” Nodding my head “for sure” Noella sat up “thank you Chris, it was sweet of you to do this” she carefully held majesty and took her from me “it’s cool I enjoy it, anyways. Goodnight” getting up from the couch “I’m tired, pick me” Robyn held her arms up “you keep forgetting I am still healing” she let out an oh, she quickly got up “come on lover” Robyn forgets that a lot, I mean at times I am putting it on but she needs to take it easy on me, Robyn held my hand “guess what?” she smirked looking up at me “what?” licking my lips “I am engaged” she lifted her hand up “what you think?” I smiled wide “I am sure he used that ring on someone else” Robyn side eyed me “shut up, so when are we getting married?” oh god, here we go “I done that now, so let’s just keep it to engaged” walking up the steps “Chris, I got to plan. I can’t be pregnant and get married, that is too much” my eyes widened, that sounds like a busy schedule to me.

Because Robyn dealt with my suitcase I thought I would find a hotel, she is in the bathroom, so I am searching “I hope you’re looking around Bridgetown remember, I told my mom we are going to a hotel tomorrow and she asked why, is her hospitality not good enough and I just said mom, Chris and I are celebrating. That was the nicest way I said it and she understood and didn’t question me” Robyn laughed “but I said we will be back after a few days” I think I found a hotel for us “she doesn’t know her daughter about to be sucking some dick tomorrow” the tee hit my face “shut up” moving the tee away from my face, Robyn turned away from me all topless “did I lie?” she only mad because I am right “after what I had to put up with, you’re going to be giving me head” Robyn turned to me, my eyes dragged down to her boobs “look at my face and tell me you will” licking my lips nodding my head “good boy, now find a hotel” I will lick anything on Robyn “none of them allow sex and drugs fest?” Robyn laughed out “nigga, be quiet. Just find something” I cannot wait for tomorrow, just pure sex and weed, that is going to be fun.

Feeling the bed move as Robyn got into bed “why you taking the covers off” I mumbled, that is random “I just want to see your thigh” feeling Robyn just do as she pleases “does it hurt, the scar isn’t as bad. I think at first it was, the doctor did well you know” nodding my head, I think I found a hotel, Robyn shuffled down while placing the covers over us “three nights?” I questioned “yeah, that will be enough right?” looking over at Robyn we both just laughed “I suppose” I will do three nights, we can always extend it “I haven’t been to this hotel, I have heard of it though. I don’t really use hotels when I come home you know so, this a first” Robyn rested her chin on my shoulder “well your momma house is small, there is no way I am doing anything. I feel like everything can be heard” I wouldn’t ever “I know, I told you I am buying my mother a new house while here. You’re here too so you can see it, you seen this” Robyn placed her hand in my face “I want a divorce already, you keep showing me the damn ring” Robyn scoffed “you’re mean, you wouldn’t ever divorce me” raising an eyebrow “is that a test?” I really sense like this is a test “bet” oh she is testing me “don’t bet me, anyways. I booked the hotel, guess what name I put it under?” I grinned “something stupid, clearly” she knows me “Forehead Fenty” Robyn slapped my chest “they will think it’s a joke!?” she spat “I paid for it, how can they!? All you need to say is thank you Chris for booking the hotel, rude” I really did put forehead fenty, I hope she likes it.

I woke up, like just woke up and Robyn is already flaunting her ring and is making Melissa take pictures, squinting my eyes still half asleep “time to snatch the ring back” Rorrey said, I chuckled “I did say that last night and she wasn’t happy, I groaned out “no, I just woke up” placing my glass of orange juice down “I get you look ugly, but I just need parts of you, don’t make me cry. Please” she held my hand, I have no choice “have fun bro” getting up from the chair “we get it, you just woke up. Come, let’s go into the living room while everyone is in the dining room” Mel waved us over, Robyn is not going to let my hand go, it’s nice to know how happy she is but can she calm down “so what I think will look ok, but I want to do it anyways. Robyn climb on Chris, and you hold her. I want her hand placed at the back of your head, that way you’re there but also not there because you look ugly” pulling a face “come on, let’s on with it” Robyn yelped out as I just picked her up “oh, let’s not start the nastiness now” Mel said “mhmm, those muscles are coming in handy now” I winked at Robyn, I just want to get this over with.

“I am telling you; I think this is more sophisticated for Robyn. I mean ok it’s simple, her hand over mine but it’s just better. I can post the other one, your hand behind my head, it looks more me. Something I can post; you look so sexy here too” we are going back and forth on what to post but I am right “ok fine, I will post this, and you can do that” Robyn agreed “I am going to keep it cute and say I said yes to my best friend” nodding my head “well I already prepared my little speech, I just need to add it. I will read it to you, but this don’t mean I want you to write anything long, this is just me” swiping across to my notes, Robyn held my hand I searched my note “here it is, I am the luckiest man alive, she said yes. Marrying my best friend, my lover, my soul partner. It’s a different kind of vibe, I am really not worthy of her, but she sure does always make sure to make me feel special. I don’t want to keep going on, but we have been through a lot together but have came out of this even stronger, the worst of it is behind us. I can’t wait to spend every waking moment with you, and to share a baby with you. I have kissed death too many times to just sit here and not do the right thing, I love you Robyn and I will always do right by you and support you” I sighed out “the end” Robyn stared at me in awe “I want to cry but I won’t” I can tell Robyn does want to cry “thank you” she breathed out and managed to say.

I still don’t have my suitcase, but they have found it and will send it to the hotel, but Robyn got her auntie to send some clothes from their store they got. That is sweet of them “so have fun lovebirds” Mel said smiling “oh and Robyn, your photo is going to be the most liked post ever, it’s going crazy but anyways. You both block that shit out and have a good time” Mel winked, that is sweet of her “I have a feeling that I am going to have a lot of haters, like dang. I just know it, I am going to check their comments when we get in the car” I know niggas going to be hating “flex on them, you just proud of your girl but have a good time the both of you” Robyn has bought along a whole suitcase, I don’t know why, let me take that with me.

[only-here-for-jatp]

The Secret Chord pt 3

I am very thrilled with my poetic serious title and my chaotic mess of chapter titles that don’t do the title justice.

Anyway this entire chapter is Nick-centric and contains some negative self-talk so if you have difficulty with that (like I do) proceed with caution and stay safe and okay pretty please.

Also, we stan Carrie in this house thanks.

Read it on Ao3 here

And also below! ~2100 words

Nick was pretty sure this was a terrible idea.

It’d seemed like a great idea last night when he was watching Julie and the Phantoms at the Orpheum. The music was loud, and the crowd was electric. The bass kept up a steady rhythm pounding in sync with his heartbeat and it joined the audience into one body perfectly in sync. He’d felt so alive as if all of his nerve endings were firing at once. His joy came out as an endless ache while he watched Julie perform her heart out, her own enthusiasm evident in every note and movement.

She shone so bright on that stage, more so than anyone he’d ever seen. He’d long since known of her grit and determination, the perks of being in school together since elementary school. Over the years he watched as the little girl with the big voice and no fear stood up to bullies, teachers, and during what came to be known as Fallout 2016 her (ex)friend Carrie.

Julie held her head up so high as she walked through the hallways and he was in awe of her even then. There were still some things he was still working out about himself and she was so unapologetically herself. He’d often wished for her bravery to be that strong.

At the same time, he watched Carrie struggle to keep her head above water. Her dad loved her, but he was absentminded and often off on the road or some tour or party or something, leaving Carrie alone in that big empty house. Before there’d been the joy and laughter of Julie and Flynn echoing in the hallways, but now she sat alone in her thoughts.

It was almost imperceptible to anyone who didn’t know Carrie, after all she’d always been a little rough around the edges, but Nick watched her harsh mask develop. He watched her use deflection and bravado to hide her fraying internal state. Nobody seemed to notice her growing intensity and focus on Dirty Candi, but it seemed like someone needed to do something.

Admittedly his feelings crept up on him. At first, he’d started small interactions as a friendly gesture. Little things like a smile or a wave so he could try to communicate somebody saw her. While she seemed a little confused at first, she soon started flashing him a smirk and a friendly sarcastic comment. Rather quickly their friendship grew, it turned into long conversations at lunch or studying together in the library. What started out as concern turned to pride and warmth as he watched this girl who hurt so much use her unwavering force of will (and a little pink glitter) to get up and meet each day with a take no prisoners attitude.

Once he saw her perform for the first time, he was a goner. That little smirk just did something to his insides. He asked her out and he was happy. They were happy.

Until Julie’s mom died. Whatever fallout might have happened between her and Julie, Carrie loved Rose. She’d been the closest thing Carrie ever had to a mother, and the loss hit her hard. Nick knew Julie would’ve granted her a temporary truce and welcomed Carrie with open arms to grieve. He was even pretty sure Carrie knew deep inside herself somewhere too, but the walls she’d built were too high and too wide to bring them down.

Nick did his best to be there for Carrie, but he knew he wasn’t what she needed. She needed Julie and the Molinas, but it wasn’t going to happen. Not yet. Instead her unresolved feelings ate at her morphing into jealousy and anger and acid. He watched this beautiful typhoon of a girl let the acid and anger consume her. Defenses and walls started going up against him too, until she treated him as little more than an accessory or a chess piece in her one-sided match against Julie Molina.

Beautiful burning Julie Molina who after a year of retreating into a cocoon, hiding from the world and her pain burst onto the stage like a firework. She maintained her grace and inner fortitude whatever the world, or Carrie, threw her way. Above all else though, she was kind. After months of being treated like a doormat, he craved the kindness and gentle protective ferocity that was Julie Molina.

He knew he followed her around like a lost puppy, but even if he couldn’t be with her just being around her made him feel like he could do anything. Be anything, even himself. Her music lived and breathed inside him, the words filling him up and offering him a lifeline when he didn’t even know how close he was to drowning.

He ached to return the favor of her steady reassurance and unconditional acceptance and support. She was incredible and she deserved to know. If he could emulate her even just a little bit, he wanted to try, wanted to practice being like Julie Molina.

Of course, this was how he found himself pacing the sidewalk for twenty minutes, gathering the courage to bring her these flowers. It shouldn’t be this hard. Flowers were a regular post-performance kind of gift. I mean, he did have a crush on her, but she seemed to be into her guitarist? Would she think he was creepy or weird or persistent? He didn’t want to scare her off. Maybe this was a bad idea. He probably didn’t have a shot with someone as incredible as her anyway. He’d like to think he stood a chance since her guitarist was a hologram, but the way they looked at each other….

What did it matter? These flowers were not crush flowers. He would’ve gotten her Dahlias for that. These were simply good job flowers. They’d performed at the Orpheum! That was a big deal. This is fine. This is normal.

A small burst of confidence propelled him forward while he gave himself a mental pep talk in his head. Later he would kick himself for not being more aware of his surroundings, but to be fair no one really expects a tall, mysterious demon man to sneak up behind them.

Yet here he was staring at this man in some steam punk adjacent costume, a smug plastic grin on his face and a mildly threatening atmosphere. He’d rang the doorbell, but he hoped Julie didn’t walk out here while this creep was still around.

“How sweet. The brokenhearted teenager fighting for his girl.”

Nick was taken aback. For one thing, brokenhearted was not the right word. He was hopeful. For another- “Do I know you?”

“No, but you will.”

Nick didn’t even have a chance to react before Caleb’s hands were around his neck. It felt like fire was racing through his veins, consuming him. He couldn’t move, his arms spread wide, but his insides struggled against the invasion. Thrashing and shrieking he screamed inside his mind.

It started in his fingertips and toes, his body feeling like it was too crowded. Like something was growing and pushing him out. He fought so hard trying to stretch and stand up to the purple smoke that was blinding and dividing him. Yet he was losing the battle with every moment. Feeling himself getting shoved and squeezed until he couldn’t feel his arms or his legs or the breaths he took or the beating of his own heart. Until he couldn’t feel the weight of his own tongue.

The world went quiet first. Then it went dark.

Nick came to in a room of boundless dark. He thought about being afraid, but it wasn’t a place where things lurked. He could tell it was just empty. A brief glance showed that he could see himself, slightly translucent maybe, but still there. The space seemed to go on forever and the longer he looked the more anxious he became. His eyes darted from space to space, but it was a never-ending sea of nothingness.

A voice echoed around him, making the world rumble and shake. “Now now, Nicholas. My name is Caleb and it’s nice to meet you.”

“Who are you!? What do you want!? Where am I!?” Nick shouted at the disembodied voice, hearing the fear and trembling in his tone and wishing desperately for the confidence and bravado typically attributed to jocks. What he wasn’t prepared for was the jolt that through him.

The pain stabbed in his gut and it felt like it was ripping him open, piece by piece. He fell to his knees with a scream, doing his best not to sob as the feeling lingered. Caleb laughed before continuing. “tsk tsk tsk. I am speaking, you just need to listen. I am… borrowing your body for the time being. This little lifer girl and her trio of ghostly boy band made a fool of me. And NOBODY defies my will and gets away with it.”

“What does that have to do with- aghhhh” Nick couldn’t hide the sobs as another jolt shot through him.

“Yeah, I’m going to need you to be a fast learner Nicky-poo. I’m in charge and there’s literally nothing you can do about it. Just sit there and be quiet and maybe I’ll return your body back in one piece. Besides you may not know what I’m talking about, but you’re close with that lifer brat Julie. Her ghosties would never let me get close, you on the other hand, well they can’t stop you.”

Nick felt icy terror roll through him. Julie? This madman demon was after Julie? “No” he wheezed. He kept repeating the word as if it would give him power as he progressively got louder until he was standing and screaming it into the void, damn the consequences. “NO. I won’t let you hurt her.”

Another jolt ripped through him as an invisible force knocked him back. The laughter seemed to echo around the space reverberating into an endless mocking loop. “You? You won’t let me? What exactly are you going to do Nicholas? After all, you couldn’t even defend yourself against me. What makes you think you’re capable of doing anything at this point to stop my plans?”

Nick sagged against the ground. There wasn’t anything he could do. His insides felt hollowed out as hopelessness descended upon him. Useless. He was absolutely useless.

“There you go! Now you’re getting it. Anyway, this is the inside of your head and it can be manipulated into whatever I want. Behave and I’ll make sure it’s somewhat comfortable, continue to fight and defy me and I’ll make sure you relive your worst nightmares. Got it?”

Nick nodded, curling up on himself in defeat. If only he’d stayed home today.

“Good, now I just need to borrow your memories real quick and we can get this show on the road. After all, I have a fight too.”

It felt like someone was slicing his brain into pages and flipping through it like you would a book or a deck of cards. He’d grabbed his head at the pain and briefly resisted before giving into the feeling. It was almost like he could feel the fingers turning through the pages. Flipping through his life as if it were nothing. As if he were nothing. He hoped Caleb got a cosmic papercut.

And then for a brief shining moment there was nothing. No Caleb, no jolts, no rummaging through his psyche, no noise. No world. Unfortunately, what looked like a big screen popped up in front of him. Was that the Molina’s house? Were these his eyes? He almost couldn’t watch as Julie opened the door. Then there he was again. Alone in the dark vastness of nothing. He let out an empty laugh. Of course, he was. That was him, always alone. Always hiding. Unable to make any true impact on the lives of the people around him. He’d failed to help Carrie battle her darkness and Julie certainly never needed him.

He wondered briefly if anyone would even notice if he was gone. If anyone would even realize this thing that occupied his body was using him like a puppet. He doubted it. No one ever managed to make it past his walls. No one ever viewed him as more than as that blonde lacrosse player, or Carrie’s boyfriend.

He was as unseen and unheard in here as he was for every other moment of his life.

The disembodied voice never said anything, but Nick was sure he could feel Caleb roll his eyes and mutter “teenagers”. Suddenly a couch poofed into existence and Nick settled into it, finding it oddly comforting. He curled himself around a pillow that he’d dragged into his lap, ready to watch his life spin out of his control.

[dontcare77ghj]

Heart

Dean x reader x Cas

For @schischi

Notes; The whole white witch plot is borrowed from Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters.

Part 1 of 3

“Mom! I brought you your favourite coffee.” You called, locking your mother’s front door behind you. “I thought we could do a girls day. Mom, where are you?” You questioned aloud, putting the hopping bag on the bench.

You walked through the large house, checking every room on the ground floor. 

“Mom!” You called, walking upstairs. “I know you’re home; I saw your car in the drive.” You said. Ignoring every other room, you made your way to her bedroom. An ear shattering scream left your body as you caught sight of your mangled mother in a pool of her own blood.

A series of loud knocks echoed through your home as you made your way to the front door. Upon opening the door you took notice of the two men standing in your doorway.

“Hi, sorry to disturb you Miss, I’m agent Banner and this is my partner agent Ruffalo.” The taller of the two introduced, both he and the shorter man pulling out their badges. “We just had a few questions concerning your mother.”

“Oh of course, I’m Y/N but you probably know that.” You said, opening the door and gesturing for them to enter. “I’m sorry the place is such a mess; I haven’t had time to tidy.” You told the two, feeling embarrassed at the disarray your home was home.

“It’s perfectly understandable given the events of the past few days.” Agent Ruffalo assured you, taking the offered seat on your couch. 

“I thought I already gave a statement when I found her?” You questioned, sitting across from the two.

“Yes you did, we just had a few questions about your original statement.” Banner assured you. “Now when you found your mother, was there anything strange you noticed? Any odd smells, flickering lights or things anything like that?”

“No nothing like that. Everything seemed normal, I didn’t think anything was wrong until I found her.” You said, fiddling with your fingers.

“We understand you have a key to your mother’s home. Is it possible for us to borrow it? Check out the scene a bit more?” Ruffalo questioned.

“Of course, if it helps you find out what happened.” You said, rising to a stand. “Wait here a second.” You told the two and walked into the kitchen. You grabbed the key and walked back towards the living room but hid behind the door frame as you heard them talking.

“So what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking it’s a deal, but we shouldn’t rule anything out.”

Shaking your head at the weird conversation you walked back in. “Found it.”

“Thank you very much, Y/N. We’re very sorry for your loss.” Agent Ruffalo said, taking the key out of your hand. “We’ll be in touch if we find anything.”

“Thank you. Have a nice day.”

“Hit me.” You said, tapping the bar.

“You look like someone who’s had a bad day.” The bartender said, pouring you another drink.

“Try bad week.” You snorted dryly, downing the drink quickly. 

“Anything I can do to help you fix it?” The man offered, flirting in a not so subtle way.

“Not a chance bud.” You laughed. Offended by your rejection, the man walked away from you to serve a group of women at the end of the bar.

You’d been sitting in silence for nearly twenty minutes when someone sat in the chair next to you.

“I didn’t expect to find you here. I thought you were more of a drink at home type of girl.” Agent Ruffalo said, turning towards you.

“Well normally I would much prefer that but I’m all out at the moment.” You snarked, causing the man to chuckle.

“You okay, darling? You look a little worse for wear.” He asked you in concern.

“I buried my mother today.” You said, tapping the bar again. “And then had it pointed out by the town that I am entirely alone.”

“I’m sorry you had to do that alone.” 

“Not your fault.” You shrugged, downing another shot.

“Let me buy you a drink, darling. You look like you could use one.” He said, flagging down the bartender.

“You don’t need to do that, Agent Ruffalo.” You insisted.

“I’m off duty Y/N, it’s Dean.” He smiled.

One drink quickly turned into four. You found yourself enjoying Dean’s company. You felt very comfortable with the agent, feeling as if you’d known him for years instead of a few days. The two of you sat at that bar talking about various details of each of your lives.

The two of you shared stories about your shitty childhoods, laughed at your crappy love life and talked about his successful relationship with his long term partner Cas.

“I love him.” Dean smiled giddily after his fifth drink. “I never thought I’d deserve someone like him.”

“You sound like you really love him.” You smiled at him.

“I do. He’s one of my soulmates.”

“What you have another?” You questioned, not thinking much of his phrasing. The man had had a few to drink.

“Apparently. We don’t know who our second is, but I know I’ll love them.” He mumbled.

“Dean!” Echoed through the bar. Turning around you saw Agent Banner making his way towards you. “Dean, I’ve been calling you for hours. We need to go.” Banner told him.

“Do you need some help, he’s had quite a few.” You laughed as Dean smacked his partner as he tried to help him up.

“Uh, no thank you. I’ve got plenty of experience here.” The tall man laughed somewhat tersely. 

“Alright. Have a good night, Agent Banner. You too Dean.” You bid the two farewell as Banner managed to drag his partner out of the bar. “One more.” You told the bartender, tapping the bar once more.

One more and you’d go home.

One more, for your mother. 

Bottoms up.

You awoke with a groan the next morning as the sun burnt your eyes. Your head was pounding as you forced yourself to sit upright. Another groan escaped you as your phone began to loudly ring.

“Hello?” You croaked, answering without looking.

“Y/N, it’s Dylan.” Your best friends brother greeted you. “I’ve got some bad news.”

“What happened Dylan?” You asked him, suddenly feeling much more alert and awake.

“It’s Emily. She’s dead, Y/N.”

Non-reader POV

“I’m telling you, Dean, it’s her.” Sam insisted. “It has to be her.”

“Sam, I have a hangover and don’t want to keep saying this, but it’s not her.” Dean said gruffly, massaging his temples. 

The two had been arguing all morning. It was a continuous cycle of "It's her," and "It's not her."

"Give me one good reason as to why it can’t be her.” Sam demanded.

“Because she buried her mother yesterday. You didn’t see how torn up this girl was when I got there. And her friend just died. It’s not her.” 

“So she’s a good actor. Hex bags were found at both houses, Dean.” Sam argued. “And that’s not all, four months ago her father died and guess what his body looked like.”

“Why would she kill these people Sam? You’ve got no motive.”

“Yes I do.” Sam said, quickly typing something into his computer. “Y/N was adopted. And six months before her father’s death she started going to therapy. According to the sessions notes, the father beat the crap out of her and the mother for most of her childhood.”

“Then why would she kill the mother and her friend?” Dean questioned his brother, still not doubting the woman’s innocence.

“The mother let it go. Didn’t report him. Maybe her friend found out.” Sam shrugged. “Dean, she could kill again, she’s already got three under her belt. We have to do something.”

“Shit.” Dean sighed, resting his head in his hands. “We’ll go talk to her again today. See if we pick up witch vibes, but I still don’t think it’s her.”

Reader POV

You couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t do anything as your mind raced and your body began to shake. After hearing the news on Emily’s passing you’d shut down. A part of you registered the what was happening around you but that part was loudly drowned out by your screaming mind.

Emily was dead.

Your mother was dead.

Your father was dead.

You were well and truly alone.

The bedroom lights were beginning to flicker. As your panic attack began to worsen you could see them flickering even more aggressively.

There was the sound of light bulb sharing before the room descended into darkness. You noticed but were unable to do anything.

Someone was screaming your name. You could hear it but you couldn’t do anything about it.

You couldn’t do anything and it was when your breathing became particularly difficult the world finally went dark.

Non-reader POV

“What do we do?” Dean questioned Sam in panic as he tried to get Y/N to break out of her stupor.

“You gotta make her breath.” Sam said, kneeling on her other side. “She’s having a panic attack.”

“Jesus!” Dean cried out in surprise as the light bulb shattered. Both men covered their faces as the glass scattered.

“Move.” A gentle voice commanded, startling the two brothers. Both turned at the new voice to see Castiel standing behind them.

“Cas?” Dean questioned as the angel pushed the two hunters to the side. The angel kneeled in front of the woman, who was struggling to breath, and pressed two fingers to her forehead. Y/N’s eyes closed as Cas’s fingers and promptly fell back on the bed.

“There is no need for your gun, Sam.” Castiel said, turning back toward the Winchesters. “I would suggest you stop playing with it.”

“Cas she’s a witch. That light show is proof. She’s killed three people; she needs to be stopped.” Sam said, trying to convince the angel.

“She has not killed anyone. I won’t let you kill her, Sam.” Cas said, narrowing his eyes at the tall moose. 

“Cas what’s going on?” Dean questioned his soulmate. “Why are you protecting her?”

“For the same reason you want to protect her, Dean.” Cas told him, taking his hand. “She’s our other soulmate.”

Reader POV

When you awoke this time, you felt worse than you did before. This was no longer a case of a hang over, this was the after effects of a panic attack that took everything out of you.

You groaned as you got out of bed, all your muscles screaming as they began to move. Walking out of the bedroom and seeking the kitchen, you rubbed your temples in an attempt to sooth your raging headache.

Turning on the kettle you quickly popped two ibuprofen and took them dry.

“I see you’re awake.” A voice said behind you, startling you and causing you to almost drop your coffee cup.

“Who the hell are you?” You snapped at the unfamiliar man.

“He’s definitely not from hell, sweetheart.” Dean chuckled waking into your kitchen with his partner.

“What are you doing in my house?” You questioned, wrapping your arms yourself. “And, again, who are you?”

“I am Castiel.” The mystery man, Cas now, said. “And we’re here to help you.”

“Cas before you get into it, maybe we let her have some coffee. Or sit down.” Agent Banner cut in. Dean and Cas agreed with him and allowed you to make yourself a coffee. You felt a slight feeling of trepidation as you followed the three men into your living room but there was another part of you that felt at ease with the men.

“Am I allowed to know what’s going on?” You asked the men, sitting in the only single chair in your lounge.

“Before we get into this, we need you to listen to us before you decide we're nuts.” Dean said, giving you a serious face.

“Okay.” You said, clutching your coffee close. “One question, is this going to end with the three of you chopping up my body and throwing me into some dumpster? Because if it does, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Relax sweetheart, you’re not going to die.” Dean soothed. “First off, I’m Dean Winchester, this is my brother Sam. We’re hunters.” He said pointing to the tall man who gave you a smile and a wave. “We’re not your average hunters, we don’t hunt buck or bears, we hunt monsters.”

“We've been doing it for years, trying to protect the innocents.” Sam cut in. “We came to town because your mother’s death wasn’t under normal circumstances.”

“What do you mean not under normal circumstances?” You interrupted, unable to stop the question. Sam and Dean shared a look before Dean sighed.

“Your mom was killed by a witch.” Dean admitted. “And when we found out about Emily and what happened to your father Sam thought it was you.”

“You thought I would kill my family and friend?” You asked, narrowing your eyes at the long-haired man.

“I’m sorry, there was just a lot of evidence that I thought pointed to you. I should’ve looked into it a bit more instead of jumping to conclusions.” Sam apologized.

“Anyway, we came here this morning to talk to you about it but we found you having a panic attack. We couldn’t get you to calm down and suddenly your lights are flickering and the next thing you know, your globes shatter.” Dean told you.

“This is when I arrived.” Castiel said. “I calmed you and put you to sleep.”

“Not the best phrasing but could be worse.” Dean muttered. “Oh and Cas here is an angel of the lord.”

“Oh God.” You finally mumbled after a minute.

“No he’s not here anymore, he left.” Cas told you, making your eyes widen.

“Okay, suppose I buy this and don’t think you’re all nuts, why did all my light bulbs shatter?” You asked them, putting your mug on the table. “And why is everyone around me dying?”

“Okay Cas, you’re up.” Dean said, pointing to the angel. “And gently please.”

“Y/N, you’re not human.” Castiel started, making your eyes widen and the boys sigh. “At least not entirely. As I’m sure you’re aware you were adopted.”

“No, I was not actually.” You interrupted, choking on your spit. 

“Ah, well now you are.” Cas said. Dean let out a sigh and Sam hid his face in his hands. “As I was saying, your parents were not your actual parents. I’m not sure who they were exactly but I do know your mother was a white witch.”

“So, I am a witch?”

“Yes, but not quite. Witches are people who sold their souls to demons, white witches are born. It’s passed on from mother to daughter. As angels We’re supposed to ensure the protection of white witches but over the decades, they have become a dying race.

Until now, we were sure they were all extinct. As it turns out your mother used a very powerful cloaking spell and hid you away. We hadn’t been able to locate you until today.” Castiel explained. 

“Why would she cloak me and if you’re an angel how could you not locate me even through it?” 

“As a white witch, you hold significantly more power than those who sold their souls. Your mother would have had to have used the last of her life force to protect you the way she did. That’s why we couldn’t find you. I'm not sure exactly why she cloaked you, but I would assume it was to protect you.” Cas said.

“So, what do you say, sweetheart?” Do you believe us?” Dean questioned you as you placed your head in your hands.

“Look I really want to believe you because I kinda believe it but there’s no physical evidence.” You said, looking up. “Is there any physical proof you have?”

Without another word Castiel’s eyes glowed a bright, supernatural, blue. 

“Is that sufficient evidence?” He asked you, tilting his head to the side, eyes no longer glowing.

“Yeah, yeah I think that works.” You nodded. “Alright, I’m on board. He’s an angel, you’re hunters and I’m a witch. Jesus I need a drink.” You sighed, leaning back into your seat.

“Are you two going to tell her the rest of the news?” Sam asked the other two, a smug grin plastered to his face.

“There’s more?” You asked, face slightly paling.

“Oh yeah.” Sam smirked at his brother. “Come on Dean, you’re up to bat.”

“Fine.” Dean sighed, taking Cas’s hand in his. “The reason everyone around you is being murdered is because there’s a coven in the area that want you to feel isolated, so they can rip out your heart for a ritual.”

“What?” You exclaimed, voice raising slightly, as you covered your mouth in shock.

“You gotta tell her the rest, Dean.” Sam said. “She’s going to find out eventually.” He pointed out as his broker gave him a bitch face.

“Sam is right.” Cas agreed.

“Don’t you think we’ve dropped enough on her today? Do you want to overwhelm her?” Dean asked the two.

“Excuse me but I am right here and if I’m going to find out anyway, you might as well just tell me now.” You snapped, crossing your arms.

At your words Sam smiled and mumbled something you couldn’t discern; Cas gave you a bright smile and Dean let out a small chuckle.

“You’re defiently our soul mate, sweetheart.” He smiled.

A few seconds passed as you failed to register the words that left his mouth.

“Wait what?"

Taglist

@hopingforbarnes @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @rvgrsbrns @starlingelliot @smilexcaptainx @jelly-fishy-babie

If anyone from my marvel taglist list doesn’t want to be tagged in any Supernatural stories, message me and I’ll not tag you in them and only tag you for marvel pairings.

Show me your support. Give it a like. Leave a comment. Share with your friends and reblog. Inbox/message me any comments, ideas, pairings, taglist requests, or whatever you wish.

Coming soon;

Dean x reader x Cas

Wanda x reader x Vision

Steve x reader x Wanda

Natasha x reader x Tony x Bucky

Natasha x reader x Wanda

Tony x reader x Steve

Meg x reader x Cas

[natsukitakama]

Headcanon : Arno Victor Dorian falls in love with you

Author note : I hope you guy will enjoy it ! If you want something like this with another character please let me know (I am stuck on my house because school is closed thanks corona). 

I know I was supposed to post it on Friday, but I was « stuck » with animal crossing (which mean I play during the whole day. If someone got an apple on their island I am here) and the expectation of my exam’s result I am sorry. It’s a bit longer than I used to write I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy to write it. 

Warning : Spoiler if you didn’t finish the game + the DLC  (I might have changed the period) / The screenshot is mine feel free to use it ! Headcanon is below since it’s pretty long 

Masterlist 

Like I said on another Headcanon, Arno Victor Dorian suffered from depression because of all people he has lost. At some point back in St-Denis’ days, he thought about suicide. After all no one wanted him anymore, he doesn’t have any purpose, any friends, any lover, any parents. All lost with his memories and his regrets… and alcohol. 

In a moment of consciousness, he thought about living France so he might forgot about everything. Then, le Marquis de Sade asked him to find Condorcet’s manuscript in return he’ll give him help to leave France for Egypt. Then his last quest on France began : at this point he didn’t know this mission will help him going through a lot of his issues plus gave him a friends and someone to love. 

You on the other hand, used to work as a bookseller in St-Denis. Let’s say you were a patriot and believe France need to be save : you met Leon some months ago, he was walking around your library looking for something interesting so he could steal it. Unfortunately you found him before he stole something from you : Rather than punish him you decided to reward his curiosity and made a deal with him, he would never try to steal something from you and you let him borrow one book every week. This is how you became friends, turns out this little boy was very brave more than a lot of French’s soldier plus it gave you company (you even started to teach him history and some philosophy). You started to really love this boy : being from a wealthy family you never have the chance to socialize with other people than your family’s group of interest. So talking with this little boy was refreshing. 

His first meeting with you was particular, he and Leon knocked at your door during one night looking for answer about the design carved on the wall. Knowing you were a passionate of history and myth, Leon thought you could be helpful to them so they could keep their investigation going. To be honest Arno expected to see a man or teenager rather than you : even in the middle of the night you were absolutely breath-taken. There were something about you, your aura or the glow from your eyes but Arno was mesmerized. He couldn’t even talk properly so Leon has to introduce him. 

« Y/N this Arno my friends, we need your help »

« This couldn’t wait tomorrow ? » 

« No Y/N It couldn’t ! We’re fighting for France »

«  Alright alright Leon … Well… Monsieur ? » 

« Arno, Arno Victor Dorian Mademoiselle ? » 

« Mademoiselle, Y/N Y/LN but please call me Y/N »

« Y/N alright …. P-Please call me Arno too » 

« Right so Messieurs please come in » 

To say you were intrigued was an understatement, this whole symbol were all new for you. You told them you needed some times to work on your own with your books to find something that might help them. During your whole speech, Arno couldn’t took his eyes away from you. Not only were you attractive but you were also quite smart and very curious with for Arno was something quite attractive. The boys then left you working so they will investigate on your own. They kept going meet you so you could share what your learned from your book and your theory about what will be behind this door. 

« So at first I thought it could be a symbol you know ? Like an artefact so Bonaparte could use it as a proof of his merit you know ? To justify his putsch. Then I thought about what you heard him say back in the cave you know about knowing the true human’s nature ? And what citizen will do to progress. Both of you have already heard about the myth on St-Denis ? About the king’s ghost killing people by sinking his crown on people’s eyes ? It might be true. I thought a little description on a book about Saint Denis which involved bat killing people by going through their head or something… I know this doesn’t make any sense but what if it was true ? What if there is being this door an artefact or worst a weapon who could control bat or anyone ? » 

« I don’t Know Y/N it sound weird »

« Not necessarily »

« What do you mean Arno ? » 

« I might see something quite similar when I worked in Paris… Please Y/N until we are sure about what’s behind this door do not talk about this to anyone ? Promise me »

« I promise you Arno »

After this conversation, Arno started to come to see you more and more : he justified his visit by protecting you and make sure everything was okay. But you knew better, it was like he was looking about anything who will force him to stay with you which you would not complain about. The first time you saw him at this night you were also mesmerized by this man : everything about him was divin. He was absolutely handsome, his eyes were sharp yet he seemed so fragile like he was hurt and was looking for something to keep him alive. You didn’t know how to explain it but to you the man was absolutely broken and it was your mission to help him going through his issues. 

You started to see each other during days just for the pleasure of seing each other, you talked a lot about your childhood, your trip. Quickly you discover he was suffering from a loss cause he was always unclear when talked about his past as if it was something too heavy even for him. To him it was different, he couldn’t the feeling about being nostalgic with you : not like you were similar to Elise (quite the contrary) but he couldn’t stop thinking about his youth with Elise. You made him feel like a young boy again while he thought about seing everything and be ready to die. He was falling in love with you 

He was afraid and confused he didn’t know if he has the right to have a life. After Elise & Monsieur de la Serre’s death and being expelled from Assassins’ order : he doesn’t feel like he belong to this earth anymore, should he take you on his fall ? It’ll be selfish. He decided to keep his distance from you, he couldn’t hurt you : he’ll be damned for that. But you, you were devastated : because you fell the same about him, you were in love with him and more over you wanted to help him, you couldn’t just let him go to his decline. But the assassins was good at keeping you away from him, it was like he vanished from the city he couldn’t be seen no where. Madame Margot saw this, she was aware about your huge crush on the assassins and knew he felt the same but because of his past he would not tolerate himself to be happy. So she had to act. 

She started to talk with Arno, to understand why he was getting distant with you. She tried to explain how life is going to be rude and how grateful he will be if he got you by his side. She underlined his crush by telling him she noticed how he was looking at her when he thought no one noticed. It didn’t work, Arno could be stubborn when he wants to : he really thought his action were justify and one day you’ll understand. You on the other hand after being sad for couple of days, decided to let it go : I mean the man didn’t want you you couldn’t fight this. You even started to depreciate yourself : to you, you weren’t pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough. So it made sense Arno wasn’t interested on you. Plus he was getting very busy with his mission against Bonaparte. So you barely saw him. But you have seen him enough for Captain Rose to know you could be use at his own advantage. 

One night, on your road to your house you noticed someone was behind you probably following you since you left your library. Without looking on your back you were walking faster trying to be always as close as possible of shops just to be sure. Unfortunately Philippe Rose has expected that kind of behavior and wedged you on an alley. They were too many for you and there no way someone would come if you scream for help : this is the end you thought, you were about to die without a chance to confront Arno about your feeling. Everything went black and when you woke up you were in a cave completely tied on a chair. This was probably the cave Arno talked about : Will he come to save you ? Was he still even here ? 

Captain Rose tried to ask you some information about what they knew and what will be their next move. They get nothing, you first pretended knowing nothing about it and didn’t even know those people but you were a terrible liar. Rose noticed that and started to beat you but again you didn’t talk. You couldn’t let them having whatever was behind the door. Arno came to the cave eventually (he learned from Madame Margot you weren’t on your library and some people saw you walking quite fast while someone followed you), to say he was anxious was an understatement. He already lost Elise he couldn’t lose you too not when he came to realize (thanks to Leon who teased him about having a crush on you) he could try having something with you. 

Plus, thanks to Leon he gained faith again and decided he will come back as an assassins for the brotherhood and this time he’ll do it better. He was decided to come back at Paris with you if you still wanted him. Killing Rose was a piece of cake, the man became too confident when he got the key to open the door so he was careless. He didn’t take too minute time before Arno’s blade was on the throat of Philippe rose but he didn’t die Before Arno could say something. 

« Do not even think about putting a finger on Y/N again » 

After Rose’s death, he began to kill every Rose’s soldier before finding you tied on a chair. You looked tired, your eyes was so read probably from crying too much, one of your eyes was black while your cheeks and lips were swollen from being beaten. He wished Rose’s death was more painful. 

« Y/N can you hear me ? It’s me Arno mon dieu … Je suis tellement désolé please stay awake for me I don’t want to lose you Y/N »

« I don’t want to lose you either Arno » 

After being sure the cave was safe, he asked you to go upstairs and run to Margot’s house so you’ll be safe with Leon : he had still business to do. When he found the old Lanterne and finding out his true power, Arno was sure about one thing : Bonaparte shouldn’t find it. Then when the business was done, Arno went back to Madame Margot’s house finding you on her bed resting while Leon waited for him. When you woke up, he was on your side holding your hands while looking at you with a sad expression on his face. 

« Why are you crying monsieur ? » 

« I-I am not, I am just so relieved you’re okay. I was afraid I might lose you »

« You won’t Arno never … I am stronger than I look »

« I know I was here … I-I know I wasn’t very present these days and I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me again I mean… » 

« Arno please shut up. Don’t even finish this sentence, listen to me : I like you a lot, I know they’re something you don’t want to talk because it’s sill hurtful but it’s okay I can wait Arno. I’ll always wait for you. All I ask you is to give me chance to prove you you’re wrong » 

« Wrong ? About what ? » 

« Wrong about believing you don’t deserve some happiness in your life » 

This, is basically how your relationship began. 

Translation : 

Monsieur : Sir 

Mademoiselle : Miss 

Messieurs : Gentlemen 

Mon dieu... Je suis tellement désolé : My God ... I am so sorry 

[coffeefairy]

Writer’s Month August 2020 - Day 19

Day nineteen of the challenge…Maybe I can’t count. Maybe nineteen is the new fourteen.

Day 19, Prompt: De-aging

Fandom: RWBY

Ship: Cloqwork, Ozqrow, Qrow x Ozpin (this ship has a lot of names..)

Rating: Teen and up

Summary: Qrow and Ozpin take a long overdue moment to talk. Set during Volume 5, after they reach the safe house in Mistral.

Excerpt: Since then they’d had no time to themselves, with the time Oscar could maintain the connection still limited and only to be used for making plans and fighting practice. It tore at him to see the moves he knew as well as his own, could counter only due to their familiarity, performed by another. It was like seeing Ozpin from the corner of his eye, feeling his body lift and react, then turning and focusing to realize it wasn’t him. Over and over the same scene had to be acted out, with Qrow feeling like his heart broke anew every single time. He’d always known his heart was a scarred, dilapidated thing but now...it was getting ground from gravel to dust. Because every time he forgot, and hoped for seeing Oz, his ascent was cut short and it hurled him back towards the ground again. With no Ozpin to catch him when he fell. He’d have to learn to do that for himself again.

Tags: Angsty angst angst but also sort of sweet?

Notes: I’m lucky that this ship basically provided answer to “de-aging” prompt in canon. Still, please note there will be no Oscar/Qrow because I find it squicky. Any romance mention is when Ozpin is in the driver’s seat, and only with Oscar’s consent.

Done Deal

Love, in Qrow Branwen’s opinion, was the shittiest hand fate could deal you. And his cards had been dealt a long time ago. On a normal day it wasn’t something he’d thought about a lot. He had sex, and lots of it. He had people he liked, people he wanted. But in love? He’d been in love with the same man since before his seventeenth birthday. It was just one of those facts of life, like how hangovers sucked and your flask was sometimes empty. No use crying about it.

 That was before he’d had that love. Like a door had been thrown open his life had suddenly been cast into vivid colours, full of sensations he hadn’t even known he’d been missing. He had tasted the crescendo of passion, where all was fire, hot and urgent. He’d known the gentle, the slow and the intimate. The bond born from sleeping next to someone, night after night, sharing breakfast, moving around another’s space as they both readied for the day ahead. He had felt the fear - like nothing he had ever known before - the fear of losing it all, only lessened when he had seen him. A restlessness inside only soothed by his presence. 

Fourteen years of marvels. Fourteen years of his safe haven. Fourteen years of joy, of fear, of sensing a bond that was invisible, yet stronger than steel.  

Then he’d known loss. Unmoored and floundering, his anchorage ripped away, leaving him alone in the storm. Only his responsibilities had kept him from going under. He’d had them to his nieces, to his brother in law. To him. He had to carry on his work now. 

Now he had a shadow. The man he loved lived on, in mind, in the head of a boy young enough to be his son. The voice he knew better than his own, coming from the slight chest of a teenager. Whether it was his semblance - could there be worse luck than falling for someone who was only ever living on borrowed time - or Ozpin’s curse didn’t really matter - he just knew those words from long ago were true. Where you seek comfort you will find only pain. They had sought, and found it, in each other, and now that meant only pain. 

“Hey.”

He turned around in the kitchen to see Oscar behind him.

“Pipsqueak.”

“He..” Oscar’s green eyes slid away over the floorboards. “He would like to talk to you.”

They both knew who “he” was.

“Fine, go ahead.”

“No,” the boy’s ears’ reddened. “Not here. In private.”

Qrow’s throat drew shut. He wasn’t ready for this. 

“Maybe he...We...should leave that for now. It…” he ran his hand over the back of his neck. “It can’t be easy for you to hear that...stuff.”

The boy seemed to listen to what was in his head for a moment.

“He says the same. He doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but I’m fine.” He squared his narrow shoulders. “There’s...There’s a lot he wants to say and it makes me feel...strange. I’d...I’d rather you talk.”

Qrow gritted his teeth. It wasn’t as if he knew they could carry on interminably without ever acknowledging the love of his life was dead, but his mind lived on inside another. To acknowledge the sliver that was left was more painful than it would have been to let Oz go completely. “Fine.”

He picked up his glass, thankfully full, and headed for what had ended up his room. Habit ensured it was positioned to keep an eye out both ways, as well as being within earshot of all his young charges at once. Oscar trailed after.

Entering the sparse room, he sank down to sit on the bed, knocking back a healthy gulp of the whiskey. The teen stopped inside the door, fidgeted, then sat on the rickety chair in the corner. Putting his hands on his lap, he drew a deep breath.

“Kid, you really don’t have to put yourself through this. It’s weird enough for you right now.”

Oscar shook his head. “No, I...I’d like to. I can sense he wants to talk to you.”

Qrow sighed, rubbed his hands over his face. “Fine. Go ahead.”

For a moment all was quiet. 

“I’m here.” That voice. That deep, well-modulated voice that had haunted his dreams since he was basically Oscar’s age. It drove a blade into his chest to hear it every time. His body reacted to it on instinct and he squashed the confusing impulse to reach out. 

“What is it?”

It freaked him out to see how the kid’s posture straightened, how his body language became so familiar, yet in the body of another it was nothing but cruel mockery to him.

“I thought...We...We haven’t had time to speak alone since the bar and…”

Qrow remembered the bar well enough. 

He remembered how the pipsqueak had appeared, how Ozpin had taken over once he had his cane back. He’d managed to stop himself from hugging the boy and completely freak him out. But the voice was there, the normally slow cadence hurried.

The memory of it played in his head like it had numerous times before, a broken record stuck on one track, unable to move on. Like he was.

“I don’t have much time, Qrow, Oscar still can’t maintain a connection so you can hear it for very long. We need to get to the academy in Mistral, now.”

“The school?”

“Oscar will explain but before that I...” the boy who barely reached his chest stepped forward and for a moment his hand fluttered like he was reaching for him. Then he let it fall. But Qrow could see the intention, the same one he had.

“Gods, Oz, this is...I…”

The boy’s eyes began blinking faster, Ozpin’s voice breaking when he said “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” 

But the eyes watching him held none of the experience they’d had a moment ago. Qrow swallowed, again and again. His eyes were hot and he noticed now his hands were shaking at his sides.

The large green eyes below him were wider than before, and under his tan a blush rose.

“Ah...He...he heard you.”

Awkwardly he took a step back to widen the distance between them. After all, despite everything, they were strangers. And inside him lived the man that meant more to Qrow than life itself.

Since then they’d had no time to themselves, with the time Oscar could maintain the connection still limited and only to be used for making plans and fighting practice. It tore at him to see the moves he knew as well as his own, could counter only due to their familiarity, performed by another. It was like seeing Ozpin from the corner of his eye, feeling his body lift and react, then turning and focusing to realize it wasn’t him. Over and over the same scene had to be acted out, with Qrow feeling like his heart broke anew every single time. He’d always known his heart was a scarred, dilapidated thing but now...it was getting ground from gravel to dust. Because every time he forgot, and hoped for seeing Oz, his ascent was cut short and it hurled him back towards the ground again. With no Ozpin to catch him when he fell. He’d have to learn to do that for himself again.

“We haven’t,” Qrow agreed, his mind returning to the present. 

“Oscar’s control is improving so we should have at least a few minutes.”

Desperation clawed in his chest. “To what, Ozpin? What can we do?” He pushed to his feet, swiping an arm over his eyes. He knew Oscar was still there, still aware of everything that was happening. “This is...Gods, this is worse than losing you was. To...hear you, to know you’re there and still...It’s not you. It’s...it’s worse than cruel.”

He could see Oz almost turning in on himself, visibly feeling the same as he did. But with a deep breath he spoke with the same careful control as usual. The control he’d only ever let slip around Qrow. 

“I know. I know it is. And I’m...sorry. I’m sorry I caused this. I never meant to get involved with anyone in this lifetime, I know it only leads to pain in the end but I…” The green eyes weren’t the colour of firewarmed whiskey but the expression in them were the same.

“Don’t you dare.” Qrow hissed, suddenly close. “Don’t you dare regret it.”

“Of course I don’t regret what we had. I regret this,” he waved a hand in an elegant gesture that cleaved Qrow’s heart in two. “What...what my weakness has cost you.” His head bent over the hands balanced once more on his cane. 

“Your weakness?” Qrow kneeled in front of him so he could see his eyes. “Do you mean...dying?”

“In a way. It would have been kinder of me to never…”

He had to physically check himself from leaning in to touch. To wrap his arms around the waist of the boy who wasn’t the man he loved.

“No. No, it wouldn’t. I loved you, Oz. I always would, whether you loved me back or not. I always will. The only thing you caused me this way is that for a few years, I was happier than I ever thought possible.”

Oscar’s hands clenched around the cane, lifted to touch him the way Qrow had loved, those long elegant fingers trailing through his hair. Then it stopped, fell. There were lines they wouldn’t cross. 

For a moment Oz’s focus flickered, then a small, humourless smile curled his lips. A smile much too weary for a boy whose face it appeared on.

“He says I can touch your shoulder.” Qrow’s head snapped up. “He can sense I want to touch you.”

Slowly, as if not to spook a frightened animal, the small, calloused and tan hand that had nothing in common with Ozpin’s except its intention, reached for him where he kneeled. The hand was small and warm, touching him with the familiarity of years. 

“I love you.” Qrow closed his eyes, bent his head. Just for a moment, he wanted to believe the man he loved was really there. “I wish I could be with you, more than anything. But know I love you, always.” 

Qrow’s breaths caught and the tears he hadn’t allowed himself spilled over. Hot and painful they ran down his cheeks as his chest struggled to keep up under the force of them. He sensed rather than saw that Ozpin kneeled on the floor in front of him. The hand on his shoulder squeezed, as if to imprint the sensation of it. “I love you.”

The responding words couldn’t make it past the tears as he cried himself dry. 

When he finally looked up, he saw the tear streaked face of the boy in front of him. 

“Oz?”

The boy sniffled, wiped his eyes with his sleeve. 

“No, it’s me.” The voice was once more that of a young boy. “It’s just…” his breath caught a few times. “He’s so sad. He tries to shield me, I can tell, but what slips through, it’s…” The tears had made the dark lashes spiky and his brow wrinkled in earnestness. “It’s huge. He loves you a lot. I’ve…” He looked away, blushing slightly. “I’ve never felt anything like it.”

Qrow chuckled dryly despite everything. Sat back so the boy’s hand slipped from his shoulder. 

“Don’t worry, kid. You’re young.” He looked up at the ceiling, blinking away the remains of tears. “You’ll find someone.”

“Never!” The vehemence surprised him.

“What?”

“I’ve seen this. It’s like you said, it’s...worse than cruel. You have to...know he’s in here but…” the boy gestured to his head. “But he’s not really...real, anymore. Is he?”

“No.” Qrow pulled his legs up. His forgotten glass on the nightstand was half full and he downed it. In a moment he’d go and find the rest of the bottle.

Oscar didn’t make a move to get up the floor, just sat back too. For a long time they just sat like that. When he spoke again, Oscar’s voice was hoarse.

“Do...Do you regret it? Loving him?”

Qrow slanted a humourless smile. “There’s no point in regretting Fate, kid. Loving Ozpin was a done deal for me, a long time ago.”

“But do you?”

“No. No, I could never regret finding out what loving someone like I love Oz is like. However much it hurts, however much I want to rage and scream at Fate, at the Gods, even at Ozpin, I...I’d never take it back.”

“It still sounds...awful.” 

Qrow got to his feet, only slightly wobbly. On his way out the room, he ruffled Oscar’s hair. “That’s love, pipsqueak.”