#I don’t even know all the male characters yet I need his holes destroyed and gaping from the force of a full faceless muscular mob

[royaltea000]

Just realized I could draw my favorite gacha game mcs oiled up and twerking whenever I want it’s so over for me

[jockpoetry]

supernatural sees women as a tool for development and strengthening of narratives/motivation and dean sees his body as a tool. is that anything?

When I saw this ask I really made the 🥴in real life. So, yeah anon, I do think there’s something to this.

Quick Disclaimer before I actually launch into my thoughts™: A lot of my read of Dean stems from my experience as both an oldest daughter and a transman. Being the oldest daughter was an experience I lived for many years, but I am also a man. I wasn’t raised as a man, I wasn’t socialized as a man, and even though once I came out upon reflection my masculinity was obviously there. Like I was a man™ before I knew I was a man. Even when I actively tied my identity to femininity for a long time! A lot of my prideful moments were based around statements like: “I was the only girl who (fill in the blank).” 

So I am just putting that out there before I launch into my spiel about Dean/Gender/Tool because they all interlock for me. 

I am also going to apologize in advance because I know this has fully gone off the rails and I’m not even done writing it yet. If this is incomprehensible ! Well, happens to the best of us.

First off, most importantly I guess before we discuss womanhood and Dean and the way both are utilized on the show I need to say that I personally don’t subscribe the whole Dean is female coded thing. 

It’s a read I can absolutely understand. But for me..he’s not. 

He’s a hypermasculine man to the point that when (and because he is written as a punchline, as the stupid™ brother, as the whore™, as the mother/father™, as daddy’s blunt instrument™, etc) Dean deviates from the pre-accepted definition of hypermasculine it’s Wrong. 

It’s Instantly Feminine. 

I think the internet has made the world very black and white, or blue and pink maybe. This point, I think, colors a lot of these discussions. Dean cooks, he cleans and so therefor he’s female coded. When that really just feeds back into the whole toxic masculinity loop. You can’t be masculine and cook and clean and cry. That’s for feminine people only. 

I get the argument! I do, I just think that Dean’s actions are not inherently feminine, it’s just in the vacuum of Female and in the Absence of Traditional Masculinity it makes sense to assign him female coded and move on.

IN FACT the way that Dean is the action hero of the show, the Masculine™ one on the show - but he cries, and he rages, and he cooks (Again and Again) and cleans (Again and Again). The fact he’s macho and confident but he has so little self esteem. Is frankly insane to me. You have this blaze of glory character who is so depressed that they have him kill himself. Twice. In explicitly “I hate myself, I hate hearing all the things I hate about myself, I want to destroy myself” ways. 

On just a regular ol’ network show that is just ungodly bad at times. They let their Male Hero cry - all the time (if I linked every example of this the essay would be...longer than it already is, but just take my word for it). Dean tears up and grieves and shows more than just Angry Horny Violent™ (he shows plenty of that, don’t get me wrong) but he’s Emotional (Again and Again and Again). In many different ways!

I mean, beyond even just tearing up, they make their Male Hero™ face sexual violence in pretty, uniquely horrifying - and queer! - ways.

Let’s make it clear, they did a lot of this unintentionally. 

Or they do it as a joke. 

Off of dean for a moment to say women are plot devices in this show. I could probably count on one hand female characters who have sincere depth to them that have roles outside of progressing plot, filling a filler episode, and who are still alive. Like even characters such as Charlie who are wholly developed, and interesting, are only remembered/mentioned/utilized to progress plots or fill an episode out - and then she dies. For pain™ for plot™ for no other reason than to traumatize a character. 

Which let’s also make it clear Dean’s trauma is also only used as a plot device (as is Sam’s but in a different way, and Cas’ trauma is a whole other barrel of fish we’re not gonna dive into right now). Like wholesale full stop they don’t actually care about what happened to him. Unless it’s relevant in an episode. 

Oh that boys home he was left at when he was 16 for months? Sure we’ll sprinkle that in in the back half of the series. Oh he was covered in bruises and said it was from a hunt (when it’s clear contextually they were from his father but saying the fantastical but true is easier than saying the uncomfortable but true). As Dean says though the story became the story, he was sixteen. He just went along with what John said.

We only see Dean ever truly rage at John, by the way, when either Dean is dead (when he’s between life and death and he rages at John, right before John “apologizes” for traumatizing him, for putting too much on Dean’s shoulders, and fucking dying) or John is dead (the Djinn episode where Dean is straight™ and John is dead™ and he goes to his grave and just yells and rages like he should have to his father in the real world).

Dean’s trauma from being both tortured and torturer in hell? Yeah, we don’t talk about that after it’s Relevant™. Even though it’s clear - especially in the demon!dean, mark of cain era, all those years later - Alastair still has his hooks inside of Dean. I stopped watching originally after s8 ended. I was fed up with the show, and with this whole renaissance I’ve been doing a rewatch and I’m into season twelve now and it really has never come up again. 

Even when he had the mark of cain and he was tasked with questioning and accused of torturing it was “the mark has changed you” and not “you were victim and victimizer in hell for forty years, which is longer than you’ve been alive on earth” (and, was about as long as he wound up living. Which is desperately sad.

Because we talk about Sam’s desire for a “normal” life but, Dean wanted out too. He was tired in the first few seasons of this show, he never had a chance to taste freedom (we don’t count the boys home, because that was a different kind of regimented life, and it was a false freedom) the way that Sam did in Flagstaff with Bones or at Stanford with Jessica. Love for Dean is sacrificing, it’s putting himself/his happiness/his well-being last.

Because Dean only knows love in the context of violence (like all of these fun examples, for starters) is a phrase that I’ve said a lot both in private chats and on here, and I absolutely think it goes to him being a tool (a blunt instrument, a plot device, so both textually and metatextually) instead of a person. Which Cas sees Dean’s shame/guilt and sees that side of Dean because he touched his soul, and saw more than just the Righteous™ man, more than just the tool, he saw A good man, not a machine. 

On the other side though you have how “bad guys” view Dean: Desperate, Sloppy, Needy, Dean’s hole (Again), which is again so wildly counterintuitive to the story of a Macho Man Hero™. You’re using vocabulary that is both queering him and feminizing (and I know this a meme format, but sincerely it is done in a derogatory way it is feminizing. It’s breaking him down to bare parts, to a sloppy hole). 

My whole rewatch I have been absolutely fascinated by how identity and free will is utilized/conceptualized on this show. Castiel has been my main focus, but Dean and how he is framed by himself and others is...fascinating - and frustrating. The writers inconsistency lends itself not only to this unintentionally queer character, but also one that again is incredibly easily read as a non-traditionally masculine character.

As a feminine character.

This show has so few female characters that of course it had to foist the roles/behaviors/plots that a female character might have onto a male character. Which I think is part of why reading Dean as trans (either transmasc, or transfemme) is so easily done like.   

Half of these are shit posts, but you can find trans allegories/textual evidence in this show again, again, again, again, and again. And this is unintentional, they don’t want you to look at Dean and see woman, former future or present. Like a lot of these I’m sure are punchlines for them, because women/queer folk are punchlines to them. 

Sometimes the only women in an episode are random witnesses who get two sentences of dialogue, and then the main guest character is a man. Who flirts with Dean, and Dean is receptive to it. 

They paint themselves into a corner, there are female Rabbi. So easily could Aaron have been a woman instead of a man, but they made the choice to play up the HaHa Dean & Men card. 

Because, again, Dean has filled the slot of Woman™ of Female Lead™ and the flirting would’ve been straight if Dean was a woman. It’s a plot device, they needed to have the guest character be disarming, be cute, make the main character flustered. 

It’s just the main character is a man, because they’re allergic to women. But they still need those female plots, tools of femininity, to move their show forward. I mean I am a big subscriber to transmasc Jo (no idea if anyone else is with me on this one, but let me explain). Jo is in love with Dean (concept) not Dean (actuality). Which, we’ve all had our eggs cracked by someone like that. We were in love with them until we realized we just wanted to be them.

He loved her like a little sister, she loved him like a lost idol. He’s a golden calf and she dies for him, because she believed in him, she was the original character dashed at the altar of the Winchesters. 

I fully believe if she had lived and if this show had a crumb of actual good writing Jo could have been a deeply compelling transmasc character. But I also think she’s a fascinating inversion of Dean. Dean is a Masculine Character who subverts Toxic Masculinity, Jo is a Tomboy™ she’s not your (if you take it straight, literally and metaphorically) average female love interest. She’s angry, she’s not soft at all, all edges and corners and thorns. She isn’t helpless, she’s stubborn but not in a “you’re going to get punished for this” way. She’s right when she’s stubborn. She’s helpful, she’s a martyr. 

I could do a whole other essay just on Jo (and Ellen, and Ash, what a fucking trio!) but needless to say Jo was one of the first...plot device feminine tools sacrificed to this show. She was a regular, she was unique, she was an engaging character, and she still died (to progress the plot? no. for man pain? yeah, for like three episodes maybe, and then it’s forgotten just like the rest of Dean’s trauma, as we mentioned above). 

Dean and Women and Love is a very interesting tool used too because. Boy they sure try to make Dean love women and it fails in small ways, and in big, meaningless, failed het domesticity (again) ways. Not to mention whatever Lust (in the form of a woman) having no effect upon him, when they could have used that moment to assert his Masculinity and Heterosexuality. He behaved normally? And...also...whatever the fuck the Adios thing was!

Like they have these opportunities to make him Traditionally (toxically) Masculine, but make the choice to...not? To soften him. Because it’s a tool. He’s their female lead, textually he had to take on the role of mother(/father) to Sam, but...I mean this is a million miles long already. I know, but we absolutely can’t not talk about his Paternal/Maternal behaviors. (Which appear again and again again and again, outside of his relationship with Sam even/especially). He’s the mother hen, sage, safety net, beacon, home to so many side characters they meet.

I mean in many ways Jody is also a Dean comparison. Lost her family. Found a new family. She is non-traditionally feminine, but easily flustered and Silly™ (let’s just drop the entire sex talk over family dinner scene with Alex and the boys and looking to them for help, even though she was already a mother, and she’s a cop, and a hunter and this confident no nonsense individual.... She’s not). We are meant to see her as this hard ass, but she makes extra food for the boys to take back to the bunker. She’s deadly in a fight, but also still easily overwhelmed and put into damsel mode, and she cares so much even in the face of adversity.

It’s also fun to see how Jo | Jody are reflections of Dean at different points of his life. Younger, cocky | Older, settled.

Even when the text tries to tell us that he’s not.

When it reminds us that he’s violent. That he is his father, even if he says that Sam is more like John (which was reflexive, which was angry because of Adam and how Sam was behaving like Dean in that episode, and yes there are parallels to be drawn between Sam and John, the show barely dives into them). Instead we’re told that Dean is John (Again and  Again and Again and Again). 

So intensely that a fanfictionalized version of the Winchester Gospels makes it an entire fucking musical number. 

And yet, despite the texts insistence to make Dean Macho Man Father Reborn™ We get this Dean who is silly (and directly compared/contrasted to the female character in this scene), soft, in heels, nagging, and... Sully (you know Sam’s imaginary friend who has the same Haircut Dean has, who is a softer, shorter, friendlier, campier, version of Dean who was a replacement For Dean until the real one let Sam back in? That? Sully?) it’s hard to take them seriously. 

Hell, even when he was A DEMON? What did they do? They had him sing off-key drunken karaoke, they had him doing this ! Like that’s your hero, unhinged, free to be as bad as he could be, and you put him in a cowboy hat in a romance with the king of hell. 

The Female Lead, everyone. Who’s biggest betrayal(s) comes at the hands of his love interest (again, a man even though it was an angel who could’ve taken any vessel! who could’ve been recast, who canonically dies admitting his love to Dean - that one), who he tries so hard to be loyal to. 

The contradictions of his character are laughable. He is so emotional, but if he is engaged about his emotions? He shuts down, or he’s exasperated about being asked about them. It really is Female Lead/Only Here For The Plot disease, because everything is more important than him. How’s he doing? Doesn’t matter outside of the context of how x character is doing or that y character is dead. Or his emotions only matter if they’re done in penance. 

They also really do frame him as Pretty Boy™ in a violent way, or in a derogatory manner. They’ll give us homoerotic shots like this or these and never really acknowledge how these are gay shots. Sorry the gun scene is a a straight up sex scene, the beer sip spilling out over his mouth is oral, the scene where Cas fills up Dean’s glass with whisky is also a sex scene, they do this shit on purpose but accidentally queer it up. If Dean was a woman these scenes wouldn’t even matter. They’d be passing moments, but because he is not just a man but A Man™ they’re insane to see.

Not to mention all of these scenes and all the ones I haven’t linked where Dean dresses up. He performs masculinity, but he performs femininity too. He’s a plot device that is slotted in to whatever role they need. He’s Super Straight Butch Man™ but coaches the lesbian on how to successfully flirt with a man. He’s Action Hero™ who sits through a montage with the same lesbian and yays and nays her outfits, and enjoys himself.

Fuck he loves dressing up, he feels better in these costumes because performing a character is easier than being himself. Because who is Dean? He’s a tool, both textually and metatextually. It is exactly how the women and because of the women on the show that Dean is the way that he is. If there was a more steady female presence Dean would not be half as much of a plot device or half as camp/gay/feminine/non-traditionally masculine/queer coded as he is. 

In conclusion....

[erensslut01]

Eiffel Tower 

Pairing: Eren x Female! Reader X Armin

Genres: Smut

Warning: sexual content

Summary: the title says it all

____

You sat beside your boyfriend and his bestfriend. The three of you had agreed to watch a movie today. Mikasa was supposed to come too, but she was busy helping her uncle with his tea shop.

They picked a sexual movie, by they you meant Eren. He didn’t want to watch a sappy romance movie, a kids horror movie, or any drama.

You glanced at Armin from the corner of your eye seeing his cheeks dust a pink color. As guilty as it made you feel, you’ve always wanted to taste him, dominate him. He was so easy to tease it was almost a shame that weren’t able to. The way he look so flustered by watching the Mc kiss in the movie made your heart flutter.

Armin has grown into a full adult after highschool. The three of you now becoming adults. Meaning you three needed more sexual pleasures.

But you couldn’t fuck Armin. You were dating Eren, armin was his best friend!

You slightly tugged down your shorts which were slowly going up and into your ass. It was annoying, but Eren insisted that you wear it.

The lights were off, the only source being the TV and the moon illuminating through the open window. The couch you sat on was small, so the three of you were basically squashed together. You can feel both of their hot breathes against your skin, sending goosebumps. It was making you crazy, your mind becoming hazy with each breath that tickled your skin.

Eren, of course, caught on. He wasn’t here for the stupid movie, he knew exactly what he wanted. But he wanted it to play out. Eren makes sure he always gets what he wants. Always.

Your cheeks reddened at the scene. Your mind disconnected from your body, causing you to miss half of it. The two main characters were in their room already getting it on. The moans, the dominate words, the handsom MC.

Your subconsciously squeezed your thighs together. Eren’s arm slightly twitched at your focused attention towards the male actor. Your eyes trialing from his ‘hot’ body to his dick.

Armin glanced at Eren who’s attention was on you. Armin couldn’t pay attention to the movie. Not when he’s sitting next to you. Of course, he couldn’t make a move on his best friends girlfriend! That breaks the bro-code!

But he wanted you first. He wanted you ever since you transferred to their school, but as always he fell behind Eren. Eren made the first move and got you in the end. His confidence was something Armin envied.

Why didn’t I have any? Just a pinch of confidence would suffice. 

He wanted to hold you, kiss you, and even taste you. His Adam Apple moved in his throat while gulping nervously. Your legs were pulled towards your chest as you hugged them. Your head resting on your knees, ignoring the fact that your shorts were exposing half of your ass.

Armin wanted to be selfish for once. He wanted to lick your body, bite, and mark. He may not seem it, but he can be dominate when he wants to, he can be rough. Just as rough as Eren. Maybe even more.

Eren smirked at his best friend. Already understanding what he wanted to do to you, even without him having to speak. Armin hadn’t caught on to Eren. The blonde thought he hid his feelings for you well, but he could never get past Eren when his feelings considered you.

A left groan left your lips causing both boys to look at you. Your chest heaved fast as your eyes focused on the screen. The part was getting intense and so was your throbbing core.

You wanted to experience the pure ecstasy that the female character was feeling, even if it was fake. You wanted to feel it.

Whether it was Armin or Eren. Or both!

Suddenly you felt Erens hand wrapped around your neck, “ what’s wrong?” if you weren’t looking at him you would’ve believed that he was concerned. But his devilish smirk threw all concern out the window.

“ Nothing” your voice was low, barely a whisper. You were afraid that if you spoke loudly your throbbing would get worse. Your breath was slightly quivering, Armin noticed.

He didn’t say anything. But his eyes spoke a million words.

I want to touch you. Kiss you. Fuck you. Slap you. I want to do so much to you. I want to hit that one spot that Eren isn’t able to hit. I want to fuck both of your holes while you cry out in both pain and pleasure.

His mind created scenarios of how he wanted to destroy you. Guilt immediately over washed him, but he pushed it aside.

If Eren couldn’t satisfy you and left you needy, similar to right now. Then Armin would make a move.

Suddenly a gasp left your lips, “ E-Eren stop!” you whisper yelled to the brown haired male. His fingers trialing from your exposed legs and hovered over your sensitive pussy. His green eyes staring directly into Armin, “ don’t you want to touch her? Look at how needy she is” Erens sudden request sent him jolting, “ touch her? You can’t be serious. Shes your girlfriend”

It was an odd request. Who would want another man to fuck their girlfriend? Certainly not Armin. He wouldn’t even want another man breathing around you.

Your cheeks reddened, “ Eren stop it! You’re making him uncomfortable” although you said to stop you didn’t want him too. The both of you had established a safe word that was to be used if either of you had went to far.

Armin knew that of course, Eren has told him everything. From the way your face twists, the way your pussy drips with not only yours, but his cum as well. From the way you sing his name, throat becoming dry and hoarse. Eren never left out a single detail.

He wanted his friend to get turned on, he wanted a reaction out of Armin... he wanted Armin to fuck you.

And that’s exactly why Eren suggested a sudden movie night. Both you and the blonde had pieced it it together. You didn’t know how Armin felt, but you were feeling venereal. The thought of not only one, but two! Dicks inside of you has you buoyant.

It was as if the universe heard your thoughts. Your thoughts of being fucked senseless. Your thoughts of wanting to fuck the beautiful blonde.

Armin on the other hand was nervous. He wanted to accept the request. He wanted to run his hands through your body. He wanted to prove to you that he can make your body feel 20x better than Eren has.

And that’s what he was about to do. Erens smirk only widened once he caught on to Armins determined blue eyes.

You expected the blonde to reject the offer and leave, but to your surprise he grabbed your neck and pulled you towards him. Crashing his soft, kissable lips onto yours. Your heart began to beat violently against your ribcage. You expected Eren to jump forward and punch him, but to your surprise he stayed in his spot.

Your boyfriend was protective, really protective. Whether it was a female or a male that looked at you, he made sure that they knew you were his. He’d prove it by fucking you in the changing room, leaving hickeys on your body in the cafeteria, even grabbing your ass while walking in a crowd. Eren didn’t care as long as everyone knew you were his.

Thus, this is why he’s letting Armin fuck you. He wasn’t going to lie, he wanted to see his best friend ram his dick inside of you. He wanted to hear you call out another name that wasn’t Eren. To see you from a different prospective. The thought has crossed his mind multiple times, but he didn’t want to push you too far. That was until you asked him a week ago what his opinion was on a threesome. From there he was sure you wanted it.

He had asked as well, if you were fine with the idea. And your answer made it all clear,

“ I want too. I want to have a threesome.”

The mischief behind your eyes has caused his dick to throb. He wanted to enjoy a new you.

You moaned into Armins mouth as he gently tightened his grip around your neck, the pressure causing your throbbing cunt to worsen.

You had assumed some of his kinks, but choking wasn’t one you thought he’d enjoy.

You slowly opened your eyes, the kiss finally stopping so the both of you can breath. A trail of saliva connected from both of your tongues followed after him as he pulled away. Your heart leaped once you caught a smirk on his face.

The room was silent, the only sound being your breathing and the TV which you noticed Eren has lowered the volume,

“ Go easy on her, Armin.”

As if on cue, the blonde has picked you up with ease and placed you on his lap.

Eren shifted in his seat, giving him the full view of both of you. Your thighs straddled his muscular ones. Your eyes wide with both, shock and lust.

Armin savored the moment now becoming a memory of the past.

“ can I...touch you?” he was hesitant, his breathing now increasing with speed and volume.

You nodded your hands slowly moving around his chest. You felt everything. All his muscles and biceps.

It was a good thing that Eren has dragged him to boxing classes.

Armins cold fingers moved up your thighs, causing a gasp to emit from your throat.

His sapphire eyes never leaving your face. Sucking every reaction that you gave.

Eren watched with a smirk. His dick begged him to join the two of you, but it wasn’t time. Not yet.

His hands proceeded to move up, finally at your ass. His hands went under your shorts. His thumb rubbing gentle circles while giving it a tight squeeze. He was quick to dive into your neck. Placing butterfly kisses all over your exposed collarbone.

You whimpered against his ear, your hips slowly riding his clothed cock. He groaned into your movement and began to suck against your skin.

Unlike Eren, he was quick enough to find your spot. The one spot that caused your body to flinch and for you to clench your eyes tightly.

Your hands gripped his shoulders tightly while squeezed your thighs against his. He could feel your whole body squeezing against him, your boobs coming close to his chest as he felt them bounce against his black shirt.

Your back arched while your felt his hands continuing to squeeze and rub your ass. His hips bucking against your drenched cunt while sucking against your skin.

Is this really his first time?

Eren watched the both of you with hawk eyes, he didn’t even blink. He didn’t want to miss any reaction coming out of you. Who knew watching his girlfriend getting fucked by his best friend was so...hot.

A loud moan left your lips, feeling a familiar knot in your stomach, “ Don't let her cum, Armin.” Eren warned. Leaning his head into his palm.

Armin nodded placing both hands onto your hips and slamming you back onto his cock. This caused him to groan.

Your felt your knot disappearing causing disappointment to cross your features, “ I was so close!”

Eren growled, “ You'll do as you’re told.” You immediately shut your mouth.

Armin has discovered a new you. A submissive Y/n. How captivating.

“ Relax, Eren” Armin said while running his tongue against your neck, “ I’ll be taking control from here”

Although Eren wanted to be the one to command the both of you, he wanted to see what his best friend would do without his commands, “ fine.”

Armin smirked, “ great”

With a gasp you felt your body being lifted. Armin had his hands wrapped around your thighs while hoisting you upward. You immediately wrapped your legs around his waist. You then noticed how strong he really was. His lips connected with yours once again, you immediately melted into the kiss wrapping your arms around his neck. Moans leaving your lips, encouraging him to continue. His tongue glazed across your bottom lip, wanting access which you gladly granted. Your felt yourself entering a new surrounding, you didn’t bother looking. You knew where you were.

You gasped once again as your body was thrown onto the bed both you and Eren shared. You laid helplessly underneath Armin. Your body sprawled out beneath him with your hair messy. Flusted face and lustful eyes. He wanted to fuck you all over, leaving you filled with his bruises and his cum.

Eren soon followed after and entered the room. Taking a seat at the desk chair. His attention already on the two of you.

“ Tell me...” he leaned forward, using his arms as support to hold his weight over your body. Making sure not to crush you.

Your breath hitched, you felt like a prey being watched by a predator. You were about to be devoured.

Armins sky-blue eyes never broke contact with you, “ ...what you want?”

You remained silent for a while. Your mind yelling at you to tell him how to please you, step by step. But you wanted to know what he would do to you. So you said,

“You...”

His eyes flashed in excitement. His knee rubbing against your drenched pussy, “ come on, Armin. Don’t you see how needy she is? Quit teasing her”

Armin narrowed his eyes at the male, “ I thought I told you that I’m taking command. Talk again and I’ll make sure you’re the one who’s getting fucked next”

This caused both you and your boyfriend to feel butterflies. Eren smirked, but didn’t utter a word.

You were breathless, amazed, and afraid of how he was going to treat you. His gaze was hungry, thirsty, and needy.

This wasn't the same Armin you knew.

His thumb started at the bottom of your lip, slightly tugging it before inserting his pointed finger in your mouth. Soon entering his middle finger as well. He watched with lustful eyes at how you obediently sucked his fingers. Your warm tongue swirling around his wet fingers as your hot breath sent shivers down his spin, “ You’re such a good girl...” he rested his body above your knees, making sure not to apply his whole weight on you.

His thighs bestride your legs as his free hand began to trail around your body. You felt his fingers trailed around your neck and all over the bruises, “ what a work of art you are...”

Your stomach fluttered at the compliment, “ I want to destroy you” it fluttered again, “ I want to watch your face twist in both pain and pleasure while I fuck you senseless.”

You moaned against his fingers as you felt him circle around your hardened nipples, “ No bra? What a dauntless slut you are”

With one swift motion he threw the shirt over your body and shoved his fingers back into your mouth. You gagged before proceeding to suck again.

Eren sat in his seat while rubbing his clothed budge. This was...invigorating. For all three of you.

His hands laid upon your exposed breasts, his mouth immediately on your right nipple, sucking and licking the button.

Your legs shifted underneath him. Your back arch once more when you felt him beginning to bite.

He shifted his whole left leg against your legs, holding them down.

You felt cursed whispered leave your lips while you watched the sight. His blue eyes remained open and on you, his blonde hair resting above his eyebrows while watching you squirm underneath him, begging him to fuck you.

He dreamt of this, you begging for him, needing him. Armin wasn’t confident for anything, but for once in his life...he was confident enough to believe that he will make you feel much better than Eren ever has.

“ Armin please...I-I can’t anymore. I need you, please!” your begging began to increase, but he ignored you.

With a smirk and a short huff, he buried his face in between your tits, a savage look in his eyes as both hands rested on your boobs. He played with them while squeezing both breasts against his face, “ tell me what you want, baby. How much do you want me to fuck you?” his blue eyes flickered to Eren with so much confidence that caused Eren to smirk. His cock uncomfortably pushing against his now tight sweats.

“ do you want me to destroy you?” he continued, his torso leaning against your open legs while resting his head on your breast, his tongue trailing up your boobs and sucking on your nipple. His smirk still on his face while half of his face while hidden in your breast.

A confident look in his eyes. This was an Armin you’ve never seen before. Oh, how much it turned you on.

You continued to beg, you were needy, you wanted him, you wanted him so bad. You didn’t care if your boyfriend was watching, you didn’t even beg for Eren like this.

“ Armin! Please!”

Armin nodded, “ then let me get you started.

His fingers trailed towards the hem of your shorts before pulling them down, “ no underwear either? Were you expecting this to happen?” he teased before aligning his face with your drenching cunt, “ you’re so wet...” his thumb rested on your clit, slowly pressing against it.

You moaned, “ Armin!” he loved it. He loved the begging. It was his name and not Erens.

His grabbed your thighs tightly and threw them over his shoulder. His eyes flickering over to your desperate figure. His tongue slowly left his mouth before pressing against your entrance, ever so slowly trailing up to your clit.

His tongue circled against it which sent jolts throughout your body. His warm wet muscle continued to pleasure you, your hands immediately flying towards his hair, pushing him into you even more. His ears were filled with the sound of your lewd wetness and moans.

If only he was to make the first move, he would’ve had this all to himself. You gasped feeling a familiar knot, “ Armin~ Armin~ Armin! Ah~ I’m so close! I’m so close- AH! Right there!”

Your moans loudened, encouraging him to continue. He took note of where to lick, sending you over the edge. To help you come, he entered both fingers inside of you. Thrusting slowly before picking up his pace. You began to cry in pleasure. Your chest shaking while your boobs bounced with each breath. Eren has taken his dick out of his sweats and began to thrust his cock in his hand, slowly building up speed.

Tears brimmed at the corner of your eyes. You continued to cry out to him. Encouraging him to go faster, deeper. His fingers were longer than Erens, and a big skinner, but faster.

Maybe it’s because he games.

You clenched a fistful of his hair while arching your back like crazy. A loud pleasurable moan left your lips as you coated his face with your juices.

He made sure to slurp and lick every single liquid that exited your body. Your legs shook as you stared at his figure with hazy eyes.

He licked his lips with a smirk before getting up. Moving towards Eren before taking his shirt off. His back muscles flexing as he threw his shirt to the side. Eren maintained eye contact while continuing to thrust his cock. Armin smirked before grabbing a fistful of Erens hair, pulling his head back.

Armin stuck his tongue out which revealed a bit of your juices before going down to his mouth, forcing his tongue into Erens mouth which he gladly accepted. Your felt your throbbing cunt begin to drench once again at the sight.

Armin was making out with your boyfriend, and it was so fucking hot. Eren flinched against Armins lips as he felt his climax reaching. Eren pushed away with a moan as he climxed onto his stomach and biceps. Armin only smirked, continuing to pull his hair.

“ open your mouth” Eren did as told. Only for Armin to spit in his mouth. Your stomach fluttered, “ your girlfriend tastes so fucking good. “

His blue piercing eyes flickered towards you, “ Get over here. “ with shaky jelly legs you struggled to move forward. Moving towards Armins reach, he grabbed your hair and pushed you against your now naked boyfriend.

You sat on your knees. Your hands against Erens thighs as Armin stood behind you, “ clean him up”

It was exciting. Armin had both you and your boyfriend under his command, it was exhilarating.

With your ass raised in the air you began to lick your boyfriend clean. Eren affectionately caressed your hair as he watched you lick his seeds off of his stomach, your tongue trailing all over his body.

Once you were finished Armin forced you into your legs and pushed you against Eren. Who instantly wrapped his arms against your waist. Your eyes widened once you understood the position. 

They were both about to enter inside of you.

The chair was high enough to have Armin enter inside of your pussy as Eren positioned to enter your ass.

With one shift motion they both entered inside of you causing you to scream. Your threw your head back onto Eren’s shoulder while your chest heaved, “ G-give me...fuck... a minute”

The boys nodded, understanding. Eren has fucked your asshole before but it’s been a while since then. Armin was a little longer than your boyfriend, but a bit skinner.

While adjusting the boys began to deliver soft kisses around your body. Eren left soft kisses against your exposed shoulder while Armin kissed your neck. The intense affection sending you on cloud 9.

With a nod, the two began to move. The size difference sending you crazy. Your boyfriend was thicker than Armin, spreading your asshole out even more.

Moan after moan, you could barely breath. You struggled between picking the two boys names, only making out gibberish. Your mind was hazy and in a daze, you couldn’t think.

You glanced down at your pussy to see Armin thrusting in you deeply, pushing against that one spot Eren wasn’t able to touch.

You jolted and screamed once more causing Eren and Armin to growl against your tight clenching, “ F-fuck! Ease up” Armin yelled before slapping your tit. The pain increased your speed of climaxing, “ how does it feel Armin? To feel her wet warm pussy around your cock?” Eren asked causing Armin to huff, “ fucking awesome. What a greedy best friend you are. Keeping your sexy girlfriend all to yourself.”

Your loud moan caused the two to stop conversing and watch the way you began to shake, “ she’s close” Eren groaned. Both increasing their speed. Eren tightened his grip around you waist to help you seated against his lap while you clenched the arm seat. Your mouth hung open, causing Armin to lean forward and kiss you, his tongue exploring your wet cavern while pushing deeper inside of you. You were sure he dug a hole inside of you.

His hand then traveled to your stomach, slightly pressing against it, “ I can feel myself...rearranging your guts”

With clenched eyes you came, Armin keeping his lips on yours as Eren kept his on your neck.

Although you came, the two continued. Fucking your sensitive ass and pussy, “ we’re not done yet!” Eren said before picking up his pace. Armin growled and picked up your legs, placing them around his waist while digging deeper inside of you.

“you’re such a slut. How does it feel to get fucked by your boyfriend and his best friend? You’ll fuck anybody, won’t you? Taking two cocks at the same time.”

You moaned, “ y-yes! I’m a slut. I’m both of your sluts. Fuck me! Fuck me!”

You felt your climax coming once again, but this time the two boys were about to cum as well.

“ Arg!” you moaned loudly coming again, Armin and Eren came inside of you while biting down against your shoulder, you swore it was probably bleeding from how hard they bit.

“ shit...I came inside of her...” your hearing slowly faded as your eyelids began to droop, “ it’s fine. She’s taking her pills.”

You flinched feeling your body being lifted, “ you did well...” your e/c eyes watching both Eren and Armin lay beside you on the bed with gentle smiles. You wanted to speak but your throat was dry and hurting, “ get some sleep...you’re probably tired”

You felt Armin wrap his arms around you as Eren did the same.

The feeling is pure ecstasy leaving your body and you snuggled into Armins chest, pulling Erens around around you tightly.

You truly felt like the main character from the movie you three were watching.

[messedupessy]

KAW KAW CROW IS FINALLY HERE (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ❤

Gods this has taken such a long flipping time to finish, I don’t even remember when I started on this but it’s prolly been like  year or something, give or take fifty feet, as he won like a poll I made over on twitter on whose ref I would draw like ages ago, but he is finally done and I am very happy with how he turned out! While the like basic appearance have stayed pretty much the same as it was from the start, so did I have to remake how he looked awhile back because it was just such a mess and he looks so flipping better now!

Anyway so this is Crow, my Seafell Papyrus, who I am going to give some personality info about real soon, I just want to gush a bit more about his design as I am very happy with it xD because before he had like the red scarf thing and a belt on the outside of the jacket, and just so many other things that just didn’t make sense or look good and I am all what were I thinking back then, but that’s like the fun thing to like sit down and redo it, to update it and see how much better I gotten at designing these characters, and just fuck I am so stupidly happy with how he looks, as he is just so stupidly handsome haha! xD

Also the no bullet hole i the skull comment on the ref, it’s because all of my other pirate boys got holes in their skulls, but Crow does not as he died before any so called bullets was needed, so his skull is whole. 

But, time for some proper info and personality thingies down below, also some suggestive things just so ya know but nothing overly detailed, and as a bonus furthest down I put the old design of his outfit for ya all to see, so enjoy!

Crow is only 23, making him the second youngest out of all my skeleton boys.

He is also the second skeleton who is completely gay, who is only interested in one gender, as usually I make them skeletons bi/pan, but with Crow here it just felt right to make him homosexual only, and also gay pirates was very much a very big thing so pfft. So alas you simping peeps out there who aien’t male, he a man only guy.

He is a former pirate, after dying to only then wake up as a cursed skeleton, he finally had the chance to start anew and live his life how he always have wanted away from piracy, although he is a pirate hunter, bit of a vigilante, now instead so still is doing things related to piracy. But he never wanted to be a pirate, but thanks to been the literal son of a very powerful and feared pirate captain, he didn’t have much choice, as there was no way a proper navy or any other law following group would want to take him in.

His crew is a mix of human and monsters, most which are former pirates which he has taken under his wing. One of them are Seafell Undyne aka Fin, who gave him that lovely scar over his face before he succeeded in besting her and get her to join his crew, she is now his right hand woman and second in command.

He is extremely hard working, a bit of a workaholic like all my UF papyruses is, one way or the other, he works hard to keep his crew safe, to hunt down pirates who truly deserves to be hunted down, but he is way better at not working himself to the bone like Edge do, but there are times when he ends up working himself way too hard and into exhaustion. 

His goal is to find his father who is the reason to him and his brother dying and getting cursed, to destroy the artifact that is the cause and probably end killing his father as well. He is a bit revenge seeking when it comes to his father but not so much that he would put his crew in unnecessary risk, the safety of his crew is very important to him.

Very calm and collected, in control, great tactician, shit at naming things, loves to read and to play chess. Greatly cares about the people who works for him and have their safety and well being as the most important thing, a very just man who even though he had a pirate upbringing and been living as such for most of his life, so will he always go out of his way to make sure no innocent people ends up hurt and so on.

But he will break laws time to time if it is needed, not something he likes but sometimes some laws and rules needs to be broken so to do the right thing.

A very busy and driven man, but who will still always make sure that his crew is well taken care of and got all that they need, who often puts others before himself but not so much that he ends up suffering.  

He is polite, a gentleman, he will always give people a second chance because everyone can change if they are given the chance and got the will to do so.  

A bit of a accidental flirt at times, he is a bit dense when it comes to romance and to his own feelings towards someone he is actually crushing on. Mistake what he feels as friendship for awhile before he is able to figure it out, and if he ends up crushing on someone in his crew he will do his best to keep these feelings for himself, as he will fear that since he is the captain that would put the person in a very awkward position since he is their superior, and he just do not want to pressure someone to accept his feelings just because he is their boss. 

He later loses his leg as he saves one of his crew members, from getting crushes by a heavy object falling down, which would had killed his crewmate but which only cost him his leg. As Crow is willing to get hurt, to disregard his own health, to save one of his crew members, since a leg is less important than a life.

He’s a romantic, he loves been taken care of, to have his control taken away and get ordered around by the man he loves. He is a total sub at heart, something he tries to keep hidden as he worries he will lose the respect of his crew if it comes out that their captain likes to be ordered around and not in charge in the bedroom/in a relationship, in truth his crew already know but it’s not their business and they still respect him so much, but he don’t know that they do. 

He have had partners in the past before dying and becoming a skeleton, so he aien’t no virgin. 

And that’s all I’mma share about him for now, need to write info and so on down a bit better so some of the things above might end up changing a bit, might end up editing the text above, but for now it will do yes.

And as a bonus here have the old design of his outfit since there is such a difference to his new one but yet still allot of it is the same haha

[fieryhonesty]

The life of You

[AO3]

“This is funny I never planned this become multi chapter. Was meant only as chaptered oneshot (time to make a masterlist, huh) what can I promise you: this series will always have the banner where only name of specific chapters changes”

Words: 2479

Warning(s): rated this as mature on AO3 just cause it might turn whatever direction in future (I say might, not will 😳), already has swearing in and might get more (depends on situation I put characters in, we don’t swear without reason, right?), maybe suggestive innuendos

Perhaps you could have expected journeying with your ever so flirty friend would turn into one wild ride. Especially if the destination was Stormterror’s lair. As Dvalin was freed and the area is now accessible. The place piqued the curiosity of many. When Frostblade approached you if you were fancy to tag along. You were quite surprised as he didn’t seem like somebody who deliberately enjoys adventuring.

However after sharing his reason you quickly understood. Fatui started being active, the ones within city walls were seen in small groups. Debating about the honorary knight, no how people of Mondstadt were able to drive Stormterror away. They were scheming something, that’s for sure.

Maybe it hurt their imaginary pride or perhaps they had their own plans. Whatever it is, Kaeya wanted to be one step ahead. Seeing what was behind the wind barrier for so long was a good start. And who knows. Maybe he will be able to screw over Fatui plans. 

Well that’s it if the area was not overly complicated. The ruins you had to explore first in order to get further into the lair were quite complicated. But the problem was you accidentally activated a trap and now each of you were standing at different sides of the bars which nearly skewered you.

Staring with wide eyes at the bars which were just a few inches away from your face. One step more and you would be goner. Gulping loudly. “Too close to my comfort.”

“Oh? And if it were me?” Letting out a sigh and shaking your head in disapproval. “Then I’d reconsider if giving you frostbite would be punishment enough. Anyway I’ll backtrack and try to find another way.”

---

More than you finding another way, the another way has found you. During your exploration you came across a ruin guard. Its eye light up in dangerous demeanor. If one thing could go wrong then it was probably meeting up with this walking hunk of steel. Corridors were too narrow for fighting. 

You decided to run away from it, hoping it will either lose sight of you or get stuck somewhere. You had no idea where the hell you were running. But managed to end up in a dead end. However you noticed the wall was in a bad shape, feeling wind blowing between the bricks. 

Charging elemental energy in your sword and hurling it forward, creating a hole. Big enough for you to get out. Finally getting out and breathing fresh air, your hair were ruffled by the blowing wind. Such a nice change after all that time spent in ruins where it smelled like- well mold and dust. 

The noise of falling debris behind brought you back to reality. The ruin guard was making its way out. Following the intruder no matter what. Such a persistent thing. But at least now you can fight. Air got extremely cold as you summoned several cryo blades and dashed towards the machine. It tried to hit you but it’s too huge and slow to land a hit on you. Rolling to the side or jumping a bit back to avoid any kind of danger. No matter how much it tried, you were faster. Slashing here and there. Your attacks might not do much but there's way too many of them. Even the sturdy material those things are made off will slowly fall apart. Leaving the more vulnerable parts exposed. Nothing can work in such cold temperature as you were attacking it with.

Cutting one of its arms off. As it fell down, dust rose up. How heavy are those things? You better never find out. Sliding between its legs, leaving a thin slippery surface behind you, hoping it will slip and fall down. However the ice crushed under its weight. Well it was a good try?

Noticing how it turned around and kneeled. You had seen this once. Dashing behind a pillar and praying it will withstand the rockets. When you were sure no more explosives were coming your way. Jumping out of the hiding spot and seeing the Captain of Cavalry was having its attention. When did he get there?

You had exploited this situation and aimed one of the cryo blades at its weak spot on back which caused it to flinch. Kaeya didn’t waste any moment and used his own elemental power to hit its front eye, causing it to shut down. The damage caused by the both of you was enough for it to never initiate the auto recovery function. Leaving it in a half destroyed state forever. 

Keaya has looked towards you and clapped.

“I knew I can rely on you, partner.”

“Technically it was you who was the game changer. How did you find me anyway? The exit is near by?” Chuckle coming out of the male’s chest. He walked closer to you, lips curled up into his usual smug.

“Princess, I’m not deaf you know. I heard distant noise and thought it might be my cute friend needing help. But I guess you were having fun, sorry for breaking your toy.”

The sarcasm in his voice was more than obvious. Rising your hand up towards him, saying ‘high five’ which made him chuckle once more. He was quite worried when each of you stood at different sides of bars. He felt responsible for your well being although he knew you can take care of yourself. You had to do it for half a decade anyway. Yet, something inside of him was making him anxious.

As the two of you reunited it was time to slowly explore the unknown area. It was quite peaceful there but also empty. There probably used to grow trees and more stuff but now it was just a few twigs here and there. The lair felt like one big crater with several ruins shattered around with one bigger at the entrance. To probably keep invaders off. That’s it if they could get through the wind barrier. But it was gone now, so of course you would meet something here.

Hilichurls had several camps around the whole area. Making you wonder if they were living here ever since or just recently moved in. Also wild animals, which was even weirder as you knew animals are sensitive to elemental energy. And just until recently there was a huge concentration of anemo. 

To your surprise or maybe not, you had encountered a few more ruin guards. However as you are two it was no huge issue to deal with them. The only issue was it started raining during one of the encounters. Deciding it was kind of pointless to hide as your clothes were already wet so why not explore a bit more.

The fourth encounter with a ruin guard was quite more challenging for you than the rest. It seemed different than the others, it was bigger and more sturdier and hit like a truck. You were rubbing your wrist. It seemed alright however your sword didn't look so well. It was more than visible how the steel was slightly curved as you had to use it to block one of its attacks.

Looking up at Kaeya who was examining the destroyed colossus. Having a hand on his chin, thinking of something.

"Hmm, I just realized this is our second time being just the two of us and it's again raining." Rising his head and giving you a playful wink.

You just chuckled at his remark. He was not wrong. Ever since you got back you two didn't see each other that often. Kaeya was sort of avoiding you or so it seemed like. Until you accidently ran into him one day. You were hungry and decided to dine at Good Hunter. Before he could disappear you spoke up. Teasing him to yet again chickening out which obviously made him look back at you. Sometimes he is so easy to challenge.

In the end you sorted out everything over a double honey sticky roast. Talking about stuff like nothing, like you weren’t separated or anything. Since then you kept seeing each other here and now. Be at the tavern or when you were passing by the knights. Dropping by, knocking at doors and just exchanging a few words before you ran off to do your tasks.

"Still. It's so strange. Why is there so many of those oversized toys? And what's more strange. How the hell did Aether pass by without coming across any of them?!"

You pouted, arms crossed on your chest. When you come back to Monds you will have to ask the blonde.  

"I wouldn't be surprised if this was Abyss Order's makings." The bluenette answered and pointed towards something that looked like a small cave. "Let's head there and rest."

The cave was big enough to fit both of you in. However the issue was you were soaked and there was no way to make fire. Unless Kaeya will magically pull out of nowhere a few dry sticks. Luckily you had packed a blanket which surprised the iceman. Scoffing at him.

"What? I am an adventurer now, might not be a fully fledged one. But still I'm always ready!"

"Always ready, huh." 

His remark made you blush, you did not expect it. Well, maybe you did but still you reacted this way. ‘Why must he be like this?!’ Coughing a little.

"What I mean is. I always carry with me this little fuzzy blanket. It was my first thing I bought when I got here. And not once it proved to be useful. Also! I got some canned food!" You chirped happily. 

Ok, this surprised him even more. When he asked you to accompany him on a small venture. He did not expect you to bring an entire survival kit. The bag was not even that huge. How do women stuff so many things into such small bags?

"Let me guess. You got there packed your entire bedroom." He joked as he took one of the cans from you. Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, instead giving him a spoon.

Kaeya checked what's on the menu. Some veggies and ground meat. Not the fanciest thing he ever ate but better than nothing. All that fighting made him quite hungry after all. He won’t admit it but he quite enjoyed this little adventure with you. It’s been so long since he could fight side by side with his friend. The way you swung your blade and used the cryo vision to obliterate enemies. Color him impressed, not once he wanted to just whistle. 

When you had finished the very modest lunch it was still raining which meant you will be stuck there for a while. You stood up to pull the blanket over your friend and realized it’s not that big as you thought. Sitting next to him, your shoulders were brushing against each other. For some reason you could feel heat in your cheeks. Rather looking outside, hoping he didn’t see it. Otherwise you can ready up for another wave of teasing.

"It's sad none of us have pyro, we could dry our clothes." You whined while trying not to shake.

Suddenly feeling Kaeya's breath at you ear. "Dear, that would require you to be naked for a certain period of time." He whispered in a teasy manner. You didn’t look at him but you are one hundred percent sure his smile is dangerously wide.

The way you groaned, ears turned red despite all of your efforts. Kaeya was more than satisfied. It took him awhile to find out how to make you feel embarrassed. Now he just found deliberate joy in teasing you all the time. 

"You can be such an asshole sometimes, you know that?" You murmured with an annoyed voice. Eyes still locked at cave entrance. How long will it take until it stops raining?

The sound of rain drops landing on the ground was quite relaxing. It didn't take long until you felt really sleepy. Trying to keep eyes open was close to impossible. 

"Kaeya?"

The bluenette hummed in response.

"Talk to me or I will fall asleep..."

He did not want to admit it but he was already half asleep. The only thing which kept him awake was your occasional shaking. Silently chuckling as he turned head to you.

"I've got a better idea. Do you remember that one night when you were sleeping over and couldn't sleep. When I found you looking out of the window in the middle of night?" 

Shaking your head, not remembering anything at all. Wondering how he can remember something like that.

"Well, we ended up watching out of the window together. Sitting on a chair while you were leaning on me. We fell asleep and the maids woke us up in the morning. Questioning why we weren't in beds."

Really? Did they? Why can't you recall anything like that? Giving Kaeya a confused look.

"How could we fit one chair-" As you finished it, the answer flashed through your mind. Finally you get what he meant with lean on him.

Not even giving it a second thought you shifted in front of him, hesitantly pressing your back on his chest. If you did this as kids then it clearly felt different than now. You were not sure if the warm feeling was caused by your flushed cheeks. Feeling like your entire body is burning right now. Or if it was because of how Kaeya put the blanket over the two of you and wrapped one hand around your waist. 

"Don't mind that hand. I just want to have you secure.~"

"Secure for what?"

"In case you slide to side while sleeping, silly."

"I'm not going to sleep. It's embarrassing and worst is you are having fun!" You protested, pouting once again. 

He could not deny the fact he found this whole situation amusing. Not even feeling guilty for his little lie. You are such a cutie when you are pouting like that

"The real embarrassing thing would be you shifting around and waking up my-"

"What the- Kaeya!" You groaned and wanted to get up but couldn't as his hand kept you in place.

"Shh, I'm just joking, Dearie. Relax. Let's just keep each other warm." Pulling you closer, feeling how your muscles relaxed a bit.

There was silence between you for a while. You were wishing he can't hear your heart beating so loud for no reason. The butterfly feeling in your stomach was lingering there for the whole time.

"You better not run your mouth about this to anyone, or..." You whispered silently, not even bothering to finish the sentence.

"Or? What's wrong about two friends being close, hmm?"

"I dunno." Admitting while completely relaxing against him and closing eyes. You are too tired to bother about anything.

Previous ✨ Next

[graphicabyss]

I watched The Falcon And The Winter Soldier and I liked it more that I expected, although frankly I didn't expect much. Overall, I love the setting, the cinematography and the character development. The director and the writers did an excellent job. But it also sent me down an emotional roller-coaster and that's the thing I really need to talk about.

I know there are countless rants about TFATWS, Endgame, queerbaiting and poor MCU narratives but I've never really been hanging out in the fandom until recently so for me it's my first one and I need to get it off my chest. It's gonna be long.

It was interesting to see where the show's gonna take things but start to end there was an elephant in the room. It doesn't sit well with me the way they completely sidestepped the Steve Rogers issue. Like, "we didn't make this mess, so we're not gonna go there". And it's just wrong. You can't just avoid the subject altogether and pass it on for future writers to handle. Also, you see Bucky so sad and lonely it breaks your heart. And this inevitably made me think about Endgame and Cap's storyline. I didn't feel like writing it all down after Endgame but now all these thoughts and feelings came up again and I need to get it off my chest. If they ended it all at Endgame, and I thought they did, it would have been fine, sort of. We'd forgive some loose ends. But they didn't end it there and that makes them fully responsible for this mess. I mean, I didn't hate Cap's ending. After all, it could have been worse. Steve could get together with Sharon like in the comics and they probably considered it at some point but the reactions were so bad they backed down and dragged Peggy along. Still, the ending just felt forced, no matter how you look at it. The thing is, if I knew about it after the first movie, I'd rejoice. But at this point, after everything that went down after, it just doesn't feel right.  I love Peggy and I can't deny the dance scene made me flutter a little but now I wish this was Steve's way to keep his promise before going back. In the end, Peggy would be fine without him. She had a good life, she made a career and a family. We know that thanks to Agent Carter. And we got many cues that Steve and Peggy's relationship, as important as it was, was over. Her saying goodbye to him by destroying the serum, him carrying her casket... Yet, Endgame effectively undermined that basically erasing all of these events from existence and making Peggy just a prize for Captain America.  On the other hand, Bucky needed Steve the most. And the show made it clear how bruised and broken he was. Bucky and Steve's relationship was the closest of any relationship in the MCU. At that point it was clear Bucky was everything to him, the only one who could truly understand him. Steve lost him many times and every time he fought to bring him back, no matter how impossible it seemed. When Bucky was captured Steve went into an enemy base alone on a suicidal mission and saved him and everyone else. That's basically how he became Captain America. Then Bucky got killed in the war and it devastated him. Bucky returned as Winter Soldier and there was hardly any Bucky left in him but Steve nearly let himself be killed because he needed to save him and he trusted that James would not hurt him. When Bucky finally got to his senses, there was an ultimate war going on and in the Snap James fell to dust in front of Steve's eyes. It took 5 years to get him back. And as soon as Steve succeeded, he left him, along with the rest of his traumatized friends and the world in deep chaos, to be with Peggy in 1940's, thus throwing 12 years of his life away. It just didn't feel right. That does a disservice to both Steve and Peggy's storylines. But it's not just about Peggy or Bucky. Steve going back and living his life to return to that park as an old man has opened a rift with a host of questions. I tried to get to the bottom of it but it got me nowhere.  According to Russo, when Steve went back he created an alternate reality. He also retired as Captain America. First off, I think he just made that up after to cover up the mess. If that was the case, Cap would return to the designated spot and not be sitting on a bench like he was waiting there all along. But, like, even if it was alternate reality, it could not be that different, right? He wouldn't just live in Peggy's basement, would he? He knew about the things to come like, you know, the HYDRA thing, and being the man that he was, he couldn't just sit and do nothing. Especially when Peggy was one of the founders of the SHIELD. Captain America or not, Steve would do everything to make this world a

better place. Also, if Steve went back after he crashed that plane, that means there's another Steve still locked in ice, which Russo confirmed. Even more importantly, in Steve's timeline Bucky is still with Hydra being tortured. There's no way he could leave him there. So much for the 'quiet life'. Then there are the writers of Endgame who claim that Peggy's two children are fathered by Steve. Really? That directly contradicts the earlier version that the father is a soldier Steve saved, which is shown in Agent Carter. Seriously, guys, if you're gonna make up random bullshit at least get your stories straight first.   Fans love to make all sorts of theories to try and patch up the holes but the truth is, MCU is not just one mastermind's creation and the comics weren't either. It's bound to be a mess because it's created by dozens of writers and directors and each phase gets increasingly messier because it has to fit in with the 547 previously released movies and shows. I get that and I applaud the effort of Endgame but they really can't expect us to get involved with the characters only to see them being treated as an afterthought. And the thing is, I thought that it might be just me but after a quick survey of the fandom I realized that a lot of people feel the same way. If you look at the comment section of nearly any relevant video, you're gonna get top comments saying all these things. If Marvel listened just once maybe things would make more sense. And all these thoughts aren't necessarily what I wanted to see, but what would be right for the characters. And while I do love Stucky, I'm a reasonable shipper and I really didn't expect them to be canon gay or anything, I just wished they had at least spent some time together not fighting, just healing and catching up on their lives. Honestly, I don't always like the way people ship m/m characters in every show but this time it was really more than justified. The whole storyline going through Winter Soldier and Civil War was just massive queerbaiting. It was undeniably a love story, romantic or not. "Why do you ship male characters?" some people ask. Idk, maybe if the writers put half the effort into developing m/f relationships as they do m/m ones and not just randomly throw them together I might care about them. And MCU was terrible with romance. That traumatic kiss Steve had with Sharon Carter? In the comics, Steve did love Sharon but who cares? In MCU they met, like, twice. Mostly after Peggy's funeral. Peak romance. If they had to pick a new love interest they could go with Natasha. They cared about each other, they bonded in TWS and they were both dealing with some difficult issues. But they became just good friends, which I loved. Instead, Natasha got together with Banner? And then there's Wanda and Vision, which seemed like the most random of pairings with no buildup whatsoever. The wonderful world of heteronormativity where a witch/robot couple comes before a gay one. And the thing is, I only recently learned that there's some legit leverage to portray Bucky as gay. Bucky is based on two characters from the comics. Bucky Barnes was Steve's teen sidekick, kinda like Robin, so this origin was too weird for MCU. Instead, the writers used the origin story from a character named Arnie. It was a boy Steve grew up with, a boy who protected him from bullies, and a boy who kept inviting Steve to these double dates. A boy who was gay. Which wasn't explicitly stated but was pretty obvious. And this was in 1984. So making Bucky gay would be neither woke nor against 'canon'. It would be way overdue.  So with TFTWS it was nice to see Bucky recover and bond with Sam but to me the whole ending also felt a bit excessively positive and this time the queerbaiting felt even more intentional, almost as if the writers wanted to distract the discontent fans with a new shiny ship so they forgot all the things they were mad about. Like, of course I want Bucky to be happy but also I hate the way the show's pushing the idea that he just needs to get over losing Steve and move

on with his life already because surely all his problems come from his inability to trust people and not trying hard enough, and not from being brainwashed and tortured for 70 years and then losing the only person who loved and cherished him.

[amoosewritesfanfic]

Prompt 16: submissive

[+18]

[Villain/Yandere Midoriya Izuku x pro hero female reader]

[Warnings: slight mentions of blood, drugging, nonconsensual(kinda), choking, creampie.]

[I don't own any of the characters or art, all credit goes to original creators.]

-

-

You were on the ground, trying to catch your breath, but you couldn't, you were slipping in and out of consciousness, blood dripping from your nose and your temple.

You were covered in dirt, bruises and blood, blood that was a mixture of your own and the enemies you had taken down along side the other pro heroes.

There was a barrier between you, Ground Zero, Red Riot and Uravity. They were trying their best to bash through the invisible force that had been holding then back from helping you.

The young girl you were trying to save was... Eri.

She was so young and innocent, yet Overhaul, her previous guardian abused her, but somehow...

Izuku Midoriya had gotten hold of her and when you got wind of it, you immediately made a move to save her.

But you weren't expecting Izuku to be so strong...

Where the hell had he gotten his quirk from? From what Katsuki told you, he was quirkless.

You came into this with the full intent of taking him down but that was the exact opposite of what happened.

"L... let her go..." you choked out, trying to push yourself up from the ground. You managed to get onto your knees, your hands keeping you from falling.

"Or what? Hmm little hero? You'll kill me? Don't be so damn pathetic." He snapped, that grin he wore turned into a scowl.

"Your friends are so desperate to save you both, but they won't be able to. One of you will be able to leave but not both." As he spoke it clicked in your head what he was trying to say.

"You... want ngh..." a grunt escaped your lips, your ribs had been broken.

"Me... you'll get me, let her go." Sacrificing yourself for a girl who would change the balance of the hero world, was far better than having her in the hands of a group of villains who would no doubt use her to destroy what heroes had so peacefully built.

"Oh what a smart little hero you are, you see your power... those two quirks you have will be very much needed, you're a very rare case apparently. The ability to heal and destroy." The green haired male grinned again.

"We are gonna use that to its fullest extent, y/n." As he spoke you groaned again.

"Too bad your quirk can't heal those wounds you have. It's a shame." He said.

"All right Eri-chan~ go on to Kacchan." As he spoke he pushed the little girl forward and she ran towards the group of heroes trying to save their friend and the girl.

A purple mist opened up behind Izuku who picked you up bridal style.

You were too weak to fight back in that moment, but you saw it, you saw how Katsuki slammed himself into the shield as Urakaka checked on the girl.

You mouthed 'sorry' to him before you blacked out and were carried into the purple mist.

-

By the time you had awoken you were bandaged up, your wounds mostly healed.

Your hero suit which was sewn back into one piece was hung up on a coat hanger on a coat rack.

"Oh, she finally woke up~" Izuku cooed as you shot up, but winced from the pain in your abdomen.

"Don't get too jumpy pet." He said as he traced a finger along your cheek, green cold hues staring down at you as if you were a simple toy and nothing more.

He brought over a pill and a glass of water which you refused to take.

It was... weird, you were bound down or in an uncomfortable spot not yet at least perhaps he wanted you to heal up before breaking you down.

You heard whispers from the underground saying what kind of man Izuku-... Deku was.

He was strong, dangerous and above all else calculated...

"We didn't tie you down because if you try to run away we'll end up killing someone you care about, perhaps Kacchan or that red head idiot that follows him around." His voice sent shivers down your spine, his hand threading through your hair, pushing the loose strands out of your face so he could look at your bruised face properly.

"I'm sure you wouldn't want them to die."

"What are you planning..." your voice was hoarse, itchy, you wanted water but you didn't want to take the pill with it. No matter what it was.

"Hmm a lot~ now. You have to promise me a few things pet." As he spoke he got onto the bed straddling your lap, a strong hand gripping your throat forcing you to look up at him.

"Take the pill." He ordered handing you the water, which you took, he dangled the pill in front of your mouth as you sipped the water. Once you had water in your mouth he shoved the pill into your mouth. Forcing you to swallow it.

Gods you hated pills.

He just smiled before answering your question.

"What...?" Your voice was quiet.

"Well first thing, your loyalty to me. Only me. You don't take orders from anyone other than me, of course unless I give the order." He started.

"Second, you submit to me." It was a short request.

Your hands gripped the sheets of the bed as you stared into those green hues.

He had a few scars on his face which you never noticed, but now staring at him you did... especially since he was in such close proximity to your face.

"Submit...? What do you mean submit...?" Your voice was still quiet.

"Mind, body and soul little bunny, I don't want you saying no to me. If I want to fuck you, beat you or make you run errands for me, you will. No questions asked. You won't fight back, you'll take it like a good little bunny~" his words made your body tense up.

You were becoming a... puppet.

A puppet for him to control and probably destroy your friends with...

"The other promises, well. You'll hear them in due time, just those two are the main ones. If you say yes I won't kill all your friends, Kacchan included." His tone was cold when he said his childhood friends name, you weren't really surprised.

You heard from Katsuki how he threatened Izuku when they were in middle school. How he told him to kill himself.

Even after all these years Katsuki felt like he was the reason Izuku became a villain...

"Even if I say yes... there will be casualties that can't be avoided..." you whispered, his hand left your throat, but he took your chin between his calloused fingers.

"Of course not, but those that you care a lot about will be fine~" he lied, you didn't know he was lying.

"Fine..."

"Good little bunny, you'll hop when I tell you to. You'll bite when I tell you too and above all else..." his lips grazed yours briefly, groaning slightly at how soft your lips were, regardless of how dry they looked.

He pulled back.

"You'll fuck me when I want, which lucky for your pretty little face I want right now~ all your major injuries are healed. So I'll take control for now..." he mumbled as he peeled the white sheet back, you were in a nightgown, it was a bit frilly, hugging your body.

You didn't fight it, calloused hands gripped your thighs, rubbing and stroking the exposed skin, but he slowly eased up the skirt, bunching it up around your waist.

You had forgot, you never bothered with panties since they slowly your agility especially in such a tight hero suit.

"My, it was quite a shock to see that the pretty little bunny didn't have panties on beneath her little outfit~ honestly... it made me want to ravish you more~" his words were guttural almost as his head moved down, dipping between your thighs as his arms wrapped around your thighs, licking at your folds, before driving his appendage into her hole.

It wiggled about for a moment before he rubbed it against the sweet spot he had found, which you indeed by the way your legs had flexed and the tone of your moans, your fingers were tugging at his green hair, you wanted to push him away but you felt an overwhelming pleasure hit you.

His nose rubbing against your clit as he kept up the movement with his tongue before pulling back, a trail of saliva connecting from his lips to your lower ones.

"You taste better than I expected little bunny~ oh gods I can't hold back any longer~" he groaned as he palmed the bulge forming in his jeans.

A whimper escaped your lips as he proceeded to unzip his pants, exposing his cock, he was hard... and big, slightly bigger than Katsuki in both width and length.

"Is it bigger than Kacchans?" He asked as he rubbed himself against you, letting out a grunt as you gave him a surprised look.

Yeah, you and Katsuki have had sex, multiple times in fact. The first time was because you were both drunk and needy, but the other times was solely for fun because you enjoyed how good he made you feel and you both agreed that it was a friends with benefits kind of thing.

"Oh don't look surprised, I know Kacchan wouldn't hold back from fucking..." a groan escaped his lips as he slid himself inside you, spreading out your walls better than Katsuki ever could. Earning a desperate moan from you.

"Such a pretty little thing~ see I'm better than him~ in every..." he pulled back his hips before slamming himself deep inside you, his tip kissing you womb, making you almost gasp for air, you felt slightly winded, but a very audible moan escaped your lips.

"Single aspect..." his words were lustful, territorial.

The way his hand wrapped around your throat, it was his way of saying;

'You're mine and gods if anyone else touches this body, they'll be killed gruesomely.'

"Do you like it...? The feeling of me buried deep inside... ngh.. your pussy? Just like Kacchan was?" Your brows furrowed a little but the way his hips moved were making it hard for you to formulate a sentence especially since he started squeezing your throat.

Choking mixed in with your moans.

Of course you hated it.

But your body was starting to feel a level of pleasure that you haven't felt with Katsuki, it was almost as if you were given a drug of sorts.

But...

"Y-yes..." you choked out, lying to the male.

"Look at that pretty little.. bunny..." he groaned as he pulled his hand away from your throat and gripped both your thighs, pushing them against your chest as his thrust became deeper, far more vicious.

Green hues staring down at your pleasure filled face, the moment he felt your pussy walls tighten around his cock, was the moment his hips moved as fast as they could, almost as if he was using his quirk.

His cock throbbed within your tight pussy and you both had become undone, his hips pressed flush against yours a guttural groan escaping his mouth.

His seed flowing inside you and your love juices squirting out covering his cock.

"F-fuck...~♡" you managed to moan out.

"Theres... my bunny~" he cooed pulling out.

He had that smug smirk on his face again and you were still trying to catch your breath.

"So will you submit to me? Mind, body and soul?"

And all you had to do was nod slowly in response.

And he took that answer.

"We still so much more ahead of us pretty little bunny~ get some rest~" he cooed before standing up and pulling on his clothes.

"I'll let you shower tomorrow morning." He added.

-

-

[codenamewitcher]

I just want y’all to know that this first started out as a post on how Sylvie’s character arc didn’t add up but as I got further into this it turned into an analysis of everything that has happened so far (episode four has yet to release) and how I would love how Sylvie comes about the TVA and her hatred for them.

Before I get into how I would love her arc to happen, I am going to talk about the TVA and how time works in the MCU real quick to understand why I would love things to go these ways and why I hope that the inconsistencies with Sylvie, Loki, and the TVA don’t just become a huge plot hole. I’m also placing a read more because it’s a lot that I’m going to be talking about.

So for starters, we know that the TVA stresses that they have to move quickly in removing a the variant and resetting the nexus event before it crosses the red line and can no longer be reset creating a multiverse. We also know that time works differently at the TVA (its a null time zone in the comics) and from Thor: Ragnarok we know that time can move differently on other planets (i.e. Loki falling from the Bifrost seconds before Thor did but still spending weeks on Sakaar before Thor arrives even though they fell from it seconds apart).

However, from what we have seen in the four times the TVA arrives at an nexus event, it appears they have anywhere from minutes to maybe even a few hours to reset the branch before its too late, but it does have to happen within the day the event took place. We can assume this as we first see them catch the L1130 Loki Variant in the same day he broke from the Scared Timeline (we can’t say for sure how long it was on Earth before the TVA arrested him as we don’t know how long he was laying in the desert for but it was long enough for the native people surrounding where he landed in Gobi Desert to arrive). The second time, is in 1549 France and it seems like the TVA arrived minutes or seconds after that nexus event happened as the child with the candy from the future was still at the church. We see the very same thing happen at the 1858 Salina and 1985 Wisconsin nexus events where the TVA arrives minutes after the event or within the same time of day on the same day of the event. 

Now why am I mentioning all of this, well because the events that happened in Sylvie's life compared to Loki’s life are similar but very different compared to what, how, and when it took place in his. 

They are similar in the since that they both are adopted, both are children of Laufey, both are experts in magic welding, both are originally named Loki, and both wear similar clothing and headdresses. But that’s so far where the similarities end, they appear to be the same person but had different upbringings. 

Sylvie grew up without knowing her adoptive mother, her adopted mother either died or left early in her life, and she grew up knowing that she was adopted as well. 

Meanwhile Loki didn’t find out that he was adopted until much later in his life and he had a very close relationship with his adoptive mother who was very involved in his life and also didn’t die until much later in his life as well. 

These time differences in when Sylvie and Loki experience these things in their life are large as things happened earlier in Sylvie’s life and they happened later on in Loki’s life. 

Their personalities are even similar and but different at the same time because you can see that Loki doesn’t really plan on how he’s going to get to his end goal, he kinda just goes with the flow while Sylvie plans this shit in detail. Also Sylvie seems to be more serious about things while Loki jokes around and isn’t so serious (now this is what we have learned about Sylvie in episode three so far).

Now where I’m getting with this is, the TVA shows that the order of events in Loki’s life is what is supposed to happen in the Scared Timeline and not the order of events in Sylvie’s. 

Now a nexus event could’ve been created by Sylvie’s adoptive parents telling her she was adopted earlier and her mother dying or going away earlier than what was supposed to happen, but the way that Sylvie talks about her life is that she grew up with this knowledge. And so far its consistent that the TVA needs to show up within minutes, hours, or within the same day the nexus event took place in. And even if Sylvie grew up on another planet other than Asgard or even on Asgard where time can move differently than on Earth it wouldn’t make much of a difference as the TVA needs to show up close in time to when the nexus event happened and not years later where Sylvie would grow up with this knowledge which would cause a multiverse event. 

Now when I started this, it was to point out how Sylvie didn’t really seem like a Loki Variant due to the large time gaps in how key moments in Loki’s life happened happened later on than in Sylvie’s. At first I was thinking that Sylvie and Loki are connected some way but she may not be a Loki Variant, like she could’ve been from another universe, one that was destroyed by the Time-Keepers because at the time of the multiversal war, we don’t now how far into the future those six timelines were. Loki is a thousand years old or close to it, so those timelines could have already been that advanced and we could have 6 different versions of Loki’s that lived different lives but are still similar enough be like “Hey, that’s a Loki.” But as I got further into this analysis, I realized that was a reach, it could still happen, but its the most unlikely to me out of the theories I came up with.

My second theory was that Sylvie was caught by the TVA as a male version of Loki as they refer to her as “he”, but the moment she escaped, she changed into and became Sylvie. However that still doesn’t fully explain the differences in the order of events in her life compared to Loki’s.

Now my third theory and one of two on how I would love to see Sylvie’s back story play out. So what if when Sylvie’s mother died/left earlier in her life, she was told about being adopted within that same time frame. At first I thought, what if the TVA arrested her, but another thing I’ve noticed with the TVA and responding to nexus events is that the TVA only arrests the variant and not someone effected by the variant’s decisions as they didn’t arrest the child from 1549 France, the festival goers of 1985 Wisconsin, or the Gobi Desert natives in 2012, they solely went after the variant in each of those cases. So now there’s the possibility that Sylvie witnessed her parents (or parent) getting arrested by the TVA and that branch got reset. She could have escaped the reset somehow and is now seeking vengeance for her family, and could explain the “This isn’t about you.” line from the end of episode two.

My fourth theory and the second one I would love to see happen with Sylvie’s back story play is that somehow she ended up working for the TVA, got her memories suppressed like the other agents/hunters, and then ultimately found out about the memory suppression. This would explain how she doesn’t have very many memories of her mother just “blips of a dream” as she says in episode three without her mother dying or disappearing while she was at a young age and this will still allow for the order of events to play out how they should be in Sylvie’s life according to the Scared Timeline. And to explain how the topic of being told about her adoption by her parents could still happen with this, 2012 Loki asked Sylvie if they told her about the adoption, she says yes and then asks Loki the same question and his response is, “No. I mean, they did, eventually”. We know that Loki in the Scared Timeline eventually accepts his adoption and being an Odinson so Sylvie could’ve very well accepted this rather it was in the Scared Timeline or during her years of plotting the take down of the TVA.

But anyways these are just some thoughts I’ve had, my process of these thoughts and understanding this world, and my hope that they don’t let this be a huge plot hole because it has so much potential and shouldn’t be ignored. I know that this is a lot, its literally a weeks worth of thoughts I’ve had since the third episode, but thanks for staying this long for my spill if you did or if any of you did.

[flowerflamestars]

Hey hey hey. I hope you're doing well!! With A court of Silver Flames coming soon, I was wondering what your opinion is about it. Personally I'm rather worried with how the book will go and I just really don't want Nesta to go to the Illyrians Mountains. I want her to say fuck it and whatever happens she does on her own terms. But I don't believe that's very likely and well, 😔. Here's to hoping that Sarah is going to do a great job with the book.

Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!! ❤️❤️

Hey! I had lovely holidays, I hope you did too :)

I am of...so many minds about the next book. Overall, I really do think its going to be a lot like reading acowar: I’ll enjoy reading it in a light way, but retrospective awareness of plot holes/weird character stuff will keep me from loving it. Fun book not...a masterful book that holds up?

I have MANY wishes for how Nesta’s story would play out, but the ground work for a very different series of events is where acofas left us. 

I’ve talked at length about how the Illyria thing seems...bad. I initially tried to be excited?? GOD do I want a nessian book! an Illyrian revolution! But the framework is just..fucked? I’m not down with a romance starting with the woman in the pairing (who has already told her male counterpart to leave her alone) being passed like a recalcitrant pet into his custody. 

Do I love a situation with strife and limitations that forces people to see each other? Yes. Do I like this one? Eh.

In particular the setup of this one is functioning on multiple bad levels. Feyre, sending her sister away because she’s decided personal offense? Is the response? To someone clearly at rock bottom and suicidal? Taking away another home, this one Nesta was always sure didn’t want her, proving to Nesta that her sister can’t stand to have her even in the same city.

Rhysand, who I’ve talked about before in this instance. Who wants Nesta gone. If Nesta dies in Illyria, fine. She’ll probably take out some of rebels when she goes. She’s Cassian’s mate? Cool maybe she’ll kill whoever inevitable comes at him. It’s sending an armed nuclear weapon into a failing peace talk. Rhys knows Illyria is on the edge of rebellion.

Cassian. Just- jesus christ, Cassian. It’s like he can’t get it right because he doesn’t trust himself enough, ever, to just go with his first impulse where Nesta is concerned. (See, following Rhysands threat to the letter and NOT SAYING A WORD TO HER AT SOLSTICE, BUT THEN FOLLOWING HER OUT INTO THE DARK BECAUSE HE DID, IN FACT, WANT HOLIDAY TIME WITH HER). He’s maybe hurt her the most? 

Which leads me to something else. I am very, very excited to have both of their canon POVs. Because I have questions! 

Like, okay, the big failure is obviously the end of that last terrible battle. We see them decide to die together. The kiss. The bloody embrace. Hybern’s death. The promise that probably meant quite literally everything to Nesta.

And then...all we know, from like, a little throwaway sentence is that somehow, the next time we see Cas, moments later, he is a)well enough to stagger off the field (did Nesta try to heal him?), and b) arm in arm with Morrigan.

Mor was, I think, supposed to be protecting Elain? It’s her only action through the entire war, and we never see it happen, and then she.... showed up somewhere behind her charge, who’d just stabbed Hybern...to... rip Cassian out of Nesta’s arms and heal him? Once again be a physical, vicious barrier, while Nesta is too in shock to say anything and Cassian...lets her?

And lets be clear, he had to have let her. I know he’s half dead, but one book before we have Cassian unconscious, scrabbling in a pool of his own blood, completely unaware but still trying to respond to Nesta being tossed in the Cauldron.

He’s aware. Present. 

And I want to know why it happened! I want someone to reveal this terrible break, that is, I think, quite literally where Nesta fractured. 

Illyrian promises are a Big Deal in-universe. Cassian promised her- and then, does it just not count, because they did not, in fact, die? 

He’s not stupid, or cruel- though Cassian’s pride and wounded ego temper does cockblock him CONSTANTLY- what the hell happened?

I’m getting way off topic- but the thing is, as much as I want them together, I think the best outcome for Nesta is to have an ally that isn’t Cassian. 

Hello, Emerie. 

But! Much like the mountain set up at all, that’s also totally fraught? I’ve said it before, but could there be any bigger insult to Illyrian ladies denied their power, fighting unsuccessfully for rights, for the privilege to be Illyrian...than yet another High Fae lady, this one clearly unwilling, living in their mountains, learning their techniques, from a legendary general???

So yes, I agree, Nesta’s banishment was a pretty shitty call on all accounts.

I like the idea of the Queens being her enemies. That it wasn’t just done, what happened to her and destroyed her life, with Hybern. That Nesta has to face what else the Cauldron made. 

(A note though, on power: the narrative needs to decide, SO BADLY, what Nesta’s powers are. Primordial? Deadly? Cool, then Rhysand shouldn’t be pushing her around. The Cauldron canonically made the world, and Nesta canonically took so much of its magic she permanently damaged its function.)

What I would do, if I were writing it, is this: I’d have Cassian let Nesta go. 

He takes her out of Velaris. Away from Rhys and Feyre, from everything, and says, you don’t have to come with me.

And it’ll mean- you don’t have to come with me, because I know you don’t want to. I won’t trap you. Now or ever. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Cassian, going in one direction, free in the sky. Nesta, going another, unmoored but choosing it. Cassian handles the Illyrian rebellion, and figuring out what he needs. Nesta heals slow, falls in with the Band of Exiles, whose closeness to human causes leads her back to helping her people, to eventual collision course with the Queens.

SEPARATE journeys in parallel that come together in peril. They meet again strong. Free of the Night Court. Trying to do what is right.

And then, they fight. Because it’s still the easiest language they both speak. But they ALSO still love each other- and isn’t this, after all, so very nearly another life? It’s time, to fight side by side.

But what I think is going to happen is a lot more...painful? They’re going to go to Illyria and Cassian is going to make Nesta train. They’re going to fight and fuck, hurt each other with both those things way before they’re ready for something real. The rebellion might not happen? Nesta’s going to get a Feyre 2.0 fighting course. It’ll empower her...but it’s still not her choice. 

She’s then either going to a) go rogue and go after the Queens herself, b) get kidnapped again, or c)Rhysand is going to send her and Cassian after them, banishment matchmaking vol. 2: the assassination assignation, maybe with backseat Azriel, who has also had goddamn enough of everything.

Love is, of course, going to prevail, but really at this point, what I want most (aside from ANSWERS)is just...Nesta’s health? For her to spend time around people who treat her with even the slightest modicum of respect?

And I do have hope! The advertising has emphasized found family specifically. I hope, so badly, that that means Nesta gets her own family. That her journey takes her to a place she chooses. 

Cassian needs to heal too- and really, really, decide to live for himself and make his own choices. My greatest hope isn’t just that it’s a sexy love story, but that they end up better, freer, and more appreciated by the end. 

[doorsclosingslowly]

If This Changed Your Life Did You Have One Before

Kaz is dismayed to learn that for an entire year, the key to a three million kruge pay-out from the Ravkan crown has been hiding right under his nose. Even worse: he’s making excuses not to turn Jesper in, Sun Summoner or not.

4k | Sun Summoner Jesper AU | Jesper Fahey & Kaz Brekker | warning for on-screen torture

The Smirnov home was as easy a target as Kaz predicted. The entire family is out at some gala or other, the staff having used the reprieve to go out dancing, leaving only two guards patrolling in front of the villa. Really, he needn’t have brought in three other Dregs to make copies of the scheduled arrivals of the cargo vessels they have coming over from West Ravka in the next two months. Kaz could have easily done this alone, but his new spider Inej needs all the practice she can get, Anika’s been complaining about getting propositioned in a gambling hall, and Jesper—well, Jesper’s obnoxious when he’s bored.

He’s obnoxious anyway. Kaz has been back with Anika at her watcher’s spot for ten minutes now, Inej materializing out of thin air right after him, and Jesper’s still missing. Probably got distracted, the utter flake, and Kaz has half a mind to go back to the Slat without him. He’ll show up eventually. He always does.

It’s time to discern which lesson Inej needs to learn more at this moment. Should Kaz impress upon her the need for single-minded focus on the job at hand, lest she displease him? Make an example of Jesper that she will not forget? Or should he build her loyalty by implying—not promising—that the Dregs do not leave one of their own behind?

Inej does Kaz’ bidding without question. Only one of these lessons is useful for his new dutiful, terrified spider to learn.

“We could have called it a day early this time,” Kaz rasps, “but unfortunately Jesper has not yet learned the value of punctuality. Let’s hope he hasn’t found another kitchen boy, or we’ll be here all night.”

He hands the copied schedules over to Anika and instructs her and Inej to wait inconspicuously while he retrieves the errant sharpshooter.

The second entry’s just as easy as the first, and this time, he doesn’t take the stairs to the first floor where the office was but explores the ground floor that he ordered Jesper to case out. Useless as Jesper is, surely not even he would dare to diverge from Kaz’ plans that early.

The hallway is dark and empty, and so is the dining room, dark and empty except for—the crack under the door to the kitchen, casting out bright light, light that glints on the pearl-handle of a revolver on the floor. Kaz is almost relieved to see it. The second one, someone’s kicked under a chair, and he quickly picks them up. Guns might come in useful, anyway: Jesper wouldn’t just leave them, ever, he plays loose with money and orders but is far too attached to his weapons, so he must be in danger. He didn’t needlessly complicate Kaz’ plans by being stupid and distractible, after all. To lose a fight is far more excusable than flakiness, and Jesper’s usually a good thief and fighter and a loyal Dreg, so Kaz would hate to have to cut him loose just for his intrinsic character flaws.

It’s not only light that spills out from under the kitchen door. Voices, too, two loud and male and obviously drunk—one Kaz places as mercher Smirnov, who must’ve begged off from the gala, and the other has a similar West Ravkan accent—and then there is someone else, desperately breathless and sobbing and begging, and since Kaz has never heard him sound anything like this before, even though he already knew from the context, it takes him an entire second to recognize the voice as Jesper.

“Please,” Jesper slurs, “I’m sorry,” and then the dull impact of fist against flesh.

“I didn’t tell you to speak you piece of shit crook,” Smirnov hisses, “sorry won’t bring my brother back,” and then Jesper moans in pain again.

Kaz creeps closer, foregoing the use of his cane to avoid any noise despite the discomfort. The mercher sounds much angrier than the situation warrants. This is Ketterdam: the occasional breaking and entering is an occupational hazard for any wealthy person here, and teenage Jesper on his own is hardly a scary sight, unless he’s using his face to make the most hideous shirt look haute couture or he’s landing impossible hits in a shootout, and from the clean smell in the dining room and the fact that Kaz, who must have been a single floor up when Jesper was grabbed, didn’t hear anything, it’s most likely Jesper was taken by surprise before he could fire a single shot. A simple call to the staadwatch would have sufficed. This job was not supposed to involve the risk of torture.

It makes no sense for it to be personal. Kaz has never before targeted Smirnov or his business, and Haskell didn’t recognize the name when Kaz came to him to argue for his plan. Haskell’s not the most talented Barrel boss, to say it lightly, but he does have a good memory for past marks, so it’s most likely the Dregs have never crossed paths with Smirnov in any way. Kaz has never known him to have any siblings, either, and he did observe him for a while before this heist. Jesper, of course, gets into enough scrapes during his off-time, but they’re nearly all about gambling or money he owes from gambling, and if Smirnov was a gambler, Kaz would know. It’s his job to keep track of which merchers are easy targets.

It’s possible, of course, Kaz muses while he silently and gently lowers the handle of the kitchen door—in case this display is an ambush for him—and opens it to a small crack as quickly as he can—he’d prefer to keep his sharpshooter in working condition—it’s definitely possible that Jesper just annoyed the shit out of his captors. Kaz can empathise. He’s also annoyed that Jesper got himself caught by a random sadist on the easiest of jobs.

“Don’t worry, you’ll have enough time to heal up pretty before you get to the Little Palace.”

Or—

The kitchen is bright.

It’s a standard narrow kitchen, very orderly and clean, with a bottle of liquor and two glasses on the work surface. There are three people inside, and it’s ridiculously bright.

Brighter than any room with a single lit candle has any right to be. Brighter than daylight.

And it’s all coming from Jesper.

Jesper, who’s held in the arms of the non-Smirnov drunk, a man who has one big hand pressed to Jesper’s neck and is squeezing so hard that Kaz would probably see Jesper’s face turning blue if he could actually look, squeezing, and then letting go, squeezing again. His other arm is wrapped around Jesper’s waist, pressing both his arms against his body. Jesper’s feet are on the floor, knees bent even; he’s not being held aloft but he’s far too busy sobbing and shuddering to kick his feet against the man holding him captive.

Kaz has always thought Jesper unreasonably tall and lanky—only occasionally with vicious envy—but he looks weirdly small next to his captor, not because he’s shorter because he probably isn’t, just definitely not as broad-shouldered and muscular… Not because the other man is impressive. He’s got a red nose and desperate shallow scratches all over his face (so Jesper’s tried to escape. Kaz makes a mental note to force him to practice grappling and other forms of unarmed combat henceforth. Rotty’s a decent instructor, but he’s still hampered by the ethics taught in childhood boxing practice. Kaz will have to teach a few lessons himself, if he wants his sharpshooter to excel the next time he’s outmanoeuvred and alone). Jesper doesn’t look small for any of those reasons, but because he’s panicking and brutalized and miserably helpless in this mercher’s grasp, and that’s so hard to square with the presence of the flirty, boastful, loud boy he should be.

He lights up every room he enters.

Well, he’s lighting up the room now, just not like that.

All of Jesper’s skin is glowing brightly, every inch that isn’t covered by his hideous outfit (though the glare washes out the vivid contrasts of his chosen colours, rendering the coat slightly less of an eyesore), and the deep bloody slashes down his chest, the cut on his bruised cheek, the gash on his head where someone must have surprise-bashed him—they’re blinding, as if Kaz was looking straight at the sun.

Because that iswhat he’s looking at.

Jesper’s Grisha.

Jesper’s Grisha, and he’s far craftier than Kaz thought he was, because he’s been hiding his secret for a year now, Jesper who can’t keep his fucking mouth shut even when he isn’t drunk, Jesper who pretends to be an open happy book. He’s been hurt before, too, though not often enough for Kaz to give thought to his unarmed defence… so maybe something about the kitchen knife that Smirnov’s using to carve holes into his chest forced him to start burning, or maybe it’s the dazed hopeless terror that permeates every single one of his pleas, his laboured breathing…

“If you’d just gone and destroyed the Fold, instead of stealing from respectable men, this needn’t have happened,” Smirnov says with lethal friendliness, and then he punches Jesper in the face again. The ring he’s wearing tears another gash into Jesper’s cheek: another eruption of sunlight, another sob. “Sun Summoner.”

“Just please—” If Kaz could look at Jesper’s face for more than an instant, he could probably see him flickering through what he might offer—money, information, sexual services, appeals to this man’s mercy or veneration for a mythic Saint or reminders that the Ravkan bounty for the Sun Summoner is alive only. He doesn’t say anything but another “Please,” because it’s plainly useless: these two men have decided he can be hurt just shy of his death, and then he’ll be sold to the Darkling. And if no-one’s come to find him yet, no-one will. It’s over. Jesper knows. Those men know.

Kaz knows, and so he has to figure out a way to get the other West Ravkan to let go of Jesper. Right now, this is intimidation, punishment, and another minute or two while Kaz plots won’t make much of a difference; but once he transforms the nature of this situation by his own attack, Jesper’s safety is far less assured.

No matter how much money the Sun Summoner will fetch (and Kaz knows it’s millions) once they figure out that he means to kill them, and that he came here for Jesper, they’ll use his life to bargain and Kaz is not interested in bartering anything for an excitable fool who’s been lying to Kaz for the entire time they’ve been working together. So he could—

But while he plots, Smirnov walks up to Jesper, a cast iron pan in his hand, and bashes him over the head. The other guy must have known he would, because he lets go, and so Jesper just crumples to the ground, bleeding from yet another burst bruise in his forehead and unconscious and still glowing brightly.

Whatever their plan may have been, they’ve released Jesper. It’s the opening that Kaz was searching for.

He dispatches the other Ravkan with a cane-blow to his face, and then he disarms Smirnov and uses his kitchen knife to slit his throat. Beats the other Ravkan again and again, strategically, so he’ll slowly die from his injuries: killing a mercher is terrible form, especially on a heist he could barely get permission for, but this way, the Staadwatch might believe Smirnov got into a drunken fight with his companion that ended tragically. For good measure (and because Jesper’s still glowing, and he can’t very well bring him back to the Slat this way without attracting attention), Kaz trashes the kitchen as well.

Then, he collects Jesper’s hat from the dining room, and gently places it on his sharpshooter’s head. Jesper’s barely glowing now, and in just a few seconds—

He’s back to normal. Kaz nudges his shoulder with his boot.

“Kaz.” Despite the pain he’s in, Jesper’s face is bright with joy as soon as he realizes it’s Kaz beside him. None of the weird Grisha light—as he turns his head to meet Kaz’ eyes, his skin’s almost gone back to its normal warm brown, although it’s slightly ashen from shock and blood loss and it’s starting to bruise badly, too—but he’s glowing in his own idiot Jesper way, with a happiness no-one sane would feel upon looking at Dirtyhands, not even a Dreg whose life he just saved.

Jesper, though—even when Kaz has called him into his office to chew him out for some indiscretion or other, there’s this fraction of a second where he just looks happy to see him.

“Get up, Jesper. Inej and Anika are waiting.”

“What did you…” And just like during those reprimands in his office, Jesper’s light is dimming as he tries to work out how much trouble he’s in. He probably wants to know whether Kaz knows he’s Grisha, and given the work he put in to conceal it for a year and how brutal Smirnov turned after he found out, it’s a distinct possibility he’ll run away from Ketterdam if he thinks he got made. And deprive Kaz of his reward. That he’ll definitely cash in. In a couple of days, because unlike Smirnov and his friend, he’s not going to assume that the Darkling wants his prize looking a few punches shy of becoming a corpse. Even if he wants to despoil his mythic Grisha, he probably wants to start from something pristine. They all do.

“I found your guns in the dining room,” Kaz rasps. “So I assumed those sadists carried you off into the kitchen to have their fun. You were passed out when I arrived; they were taking a break from inflicting torture, and I need a sharpshooter more than I need to skim from West Ravkan shipments, so I took them out. Who knew these lovely expensive walls conceal such depravity? They’re worse than we are.”

“They didn’t say anything?”

“About why they hurt you? I didn’t give them time. Personally, I think it was your crimes against fashion.”

Jesper attempts a relieved snort, but just groans in pain. Hopefully his ribs are bruised, not broken.

“It’s time to leave now. Get up. I didn’t spend my time constructing the scene of a tragic drunken brawl just for Smirnov’s family to come back early from their gala and catch us in their kitchen.”

Kaz doesn’t offer a hand to help Jesper up, but then, he doesn’t need to. They left his legs and arms alone, apparently, focusing their attacks on his torso and his face for reasons now unknown to all living beings, which means Jesper looks horrifying, ruined, half-dead, but he can still walk unaided. That makes it easier: if there was no choice Kaz could hold him up, but Jesper’s dangerously over-familiar with him as it is, and doesn’t need the encouragement. He keeps Jesper slightly in front, since he’s shaking wildly and his balance is shot from being bashed to unconsciousness twice, but he makes it without incident to the shadowed spot where Inej and Anika wait.

“Jesper kindly volunteered himself to distract the men who stayed inside the mansion,” Kaz tells them, and the look that Jesper shoots him is weirdly—grateful? But then, Kaz just saved his life. “Anika, get a medik to the Slat. No Grisha, no Ravkans, just in case. I know Smirnov was involved in his community, and we should not arouse any unnecessary suspicion.”

“Yes, boss,” Anika says, glaring at him before jogging off.

Inej, too, looks deeply unhappy while they walk back. Almost like… almost like they’re assuming Kazbeat Jesper up in response to his tardiness. Well. That may even be of use to his public image, so he shan’t make a move to dispel the idea, but—

“Thanks, Kaz,” Jesper mumbles the second they meet up with Anika and a young freckled medik at the Slat, “They’d never have stopped if you hadn’t saved me.” Obnoxious, obstinate Jesper, who’s definitely seen the same worried glances. And took it upon himself to wreck any of Kaz’ attempts at reputation management.

Kaz collects the now worthless copied schedules from Anika. He’ll have to grovel before Haskell for this failure. He ignores the eyes burning holes into his back.

+

Jesper doesn’t stay inside his room for even a day. His face makes him look like he lost several boxing matches in a row, and Kaz assumes the medik sewed shut the cuts on his chest and belly but Jesper’s still wincing, as soon as he thinks he’s unobserved, whenever anyone hugs or touches him during breakfast. His neck is ringed with bruising so severe it looks almost black, and his damaged throat makes him sound, for the moment, uncannily like Kaz himself does. Jesper, being an asshole, of course exploits that fact to recount the sad tale of what happened to him: again and again, then in some flowery monologue he's pretending is from Kaz' perspective, changing details, changing everything, until there's nothing left of the terrified boy who knew the only way out of getting punched and cut because of his imagined crimes against a sadist was the sale to a more mysterious sadist. Until Jesper's story is so funny even Kaz, who was there, can't help but laugh.

Kaz would have preferred him to sleep, rest, or failing that, clean his guns or whatever, since Jesper’s left eye is swollen completely shut and he needs to heal up before he’s anything approaching useful again—that’s why Kaz ordered Jesper to stay in bed for three days—but then, this is Jesper. Jesper does not do bedrest. After that first breakfast, Kaz is careful not to cross Jesper’s path for those three days, so he does not technically know that Jesper’s being stupid and insubordinate. So he doesn’t have to endure, again, Jesper pointing out, with stubborn adoration, that Kaz saved his life. He’s approached Rotty for lessons in unarmed combat, and prepared exercises of his own, but these can wait. As long as Jesper stays inside the Slat, and that, at least, seems likely.

Inej, whenever she’s not working, stops by Jesper’s bed or his table or wherever Jesper is now, listening to Jesper recount his usual Jesper bullshit. Anika comes by, and Roeder and Rotty and Pim and Specht and Big Bol and Luig and whoever else does, too, sometimes enough to gamble Jesper out of yet more kruge and sometimes pretending to feel pity for the current invalid. Kaz can hear their laughter when he limps down from his office to talk to Haskell, and when he returns from the Crow Club to climb up again. He can hear their laughter, far more often than necessary, because he’s passing by far more often than necessary. Taking trips he doesn’t need to, and his leg protests, but it’s simple precaution to watch his future asset.

As long as Jesper’s happy with the Dregs, he’s not running; and as long as he’s not running Kaz can still claim his reward.

+

It’s a year after Kaz found out that Jesper Fahey’s the mythical Sun Summoner with a three million kruge bounty on his head. A year in which he’s failed to make use of his knowledge. Presently, Kaz is attempting to puke out the last dregs of harbour water (successfully) and also to tune out Jesper’s prattling on about the expensive gorgeous, by which he means mindbendingly ugly coat he just ruined and the hours of maintenance his babies will need before they’re back to peak condition (no success yet, sadly. Jesper’s hard to ignore).

Although Jesper’s pretending to be unhappy, the second Kaz’ lame leg caught on a raised stone when he tried to evade the new sharpshooter the Razorgulls hired, and he tipped over right into the water—the second Kaz fell in, Jesper dove after him, and wrestled him back onto the pier despite Kaz’ mindless panic and despite whatever damage his precious outfit might have sustained. And now, Jesper’s nattering on and on about fripperies while he waits for Kaz to come back from his terror. His left eye’s swelling shut, and Kaz must have been the cause of it with his mindless desperation, but since Jesper doesn’t acknowledge it, neither does he. Whether he was angry at first or not, he probably forgave all when he noticed Kaz’ panic. Jesper’s always been prepared to cover for Kaz’ weaknesses. He’s an integral part of the Dregs’ operations (of Kaz’ life) and his absence will wreck them.

The three million kruge for the Sun Summoner would pay off Inej’s indenture easily, but Inej loves Jesper, and if she ever found out where the money came from she’d never speak to Kaz again. Even if she didn’t find out it was Kaz: she would insist on rescuing Jesper, worse, Sankt Jesper she would call him, and then go off on her own. He’ll lose his sharpshooter and his spider.

Three million kruge will get Kaz much further in his plan to take down Pekka Rollins, but he does need loyal people in order to succeed.

Three million kruge is a lot of money, but Jesper’s so charismatic that all the Dregs adore him: when Kaz claims his bounty with the Little Palace, he’ll have to be as secretive as possible, because it’s hard enough wrangling his recruits now, let alone when they’re all devastated by the loss of Ketterdam’s most flirtatious gambler, and painting Kaz as the villain. Kaz doesn’t mind villainy—he is who he is—but there are reputations that aid his work and those that don’t, and if nothing else this reward would involve taking a genuine risk.

And drenched, swollen-eyed, inimitable secretive Sun Summoner Jesper is still stealing glances at Kaz, like he thinks Kaz won’t notice—and he probably didn’t notice, when he was drowning in corpses just a few seconds ago, before he managed to turn his mind to rewards and their downsides—he’s still looking at Kaz and then carrying on with his minuscule complaints. He’s making no move to get up. He’s looking away again, communicating something silent to Rotty while still talking at Kaz, and then he must see something in Kaz that makes him go, “I smell awful! Let’s get back to the Slat, I need a change of clothes. ‘Gulls are gone now anyway, boss.”

Kaz does not particularly enjoy being cared for, but if needs must then this style of pretend-apathetic easily denied help is certainly his preference, and Jesper his most frequent provider.

So then, if Kaz is going to leave the reward for the Sun Summoner as a back-up plan for when he is dearly in need of money… Kaz isn’t going to make of his knowledge any time soon, since he’s found excuse after excuse not to for the entire last year. Jesper is both an incredible shot and loyal. He does whatever Kaz asks, and even when he gets distracted half-way through, he still tends to deliver whatever Kaz wants. If Kaz is going to keep the Sun Summoner with the Dregs simply for his other uses, it’s time to start planning for a different set of eventualities. He doesn’t need to know exactly who to contact and how to drug Jesper and where to deliver him, anymore.

Jesper, though he’s managed so far, is not the most discreet of people. He’ll mess up at some point, and it’s Kaz’ task to ensure that no-one believes even the plainest, most obvious evidence of the Sun Summoner's presence. Whatever happens—Kaz doesn’t need the worry that someone else might discover Jesper and thereby ruin any heist that Kaz has sent his sharpshooter on.

If Kaz won’t give the Sun Summoner to the Darkling, he will make sure that no-one else can, either.

[vahilor]

This is Santiago from Ark Sruvival Evolved. I made a design for him shortly after Abberration launchend and implemented him in my Ark story, with a lot of my own ideas and how the story might play along in my version of the Ark universe, which is allready different in a lot of points from the original one.

This is the latest picture of him I did. I have some more which I still need to color.

I added a lot of background and personality to him cause there are only hints in the explorer notes and my version of him might differ a lot from the original game character by now. 

Done with colored pencils. Refs used.

Some part of my story involving him:

The ground was damp and cold. He could smell the earth beneath him. His head was pounding. How could that be? Dead men don't have headaches.

He remembered the breaking of his bones and the crushing feeling of his chest that had made every breath hell. He had tasted the blood, then blackness and the loss of consciousness. The damned beasts had pushed him into a corner after he had succeeded in luring them away from the others and that had been his death sentence. Even his highly developed fighting machine could not withstand the beasts driven by pure hate. He should be dead and yet he lay here, naked as a newborn baby, alive. How was this possible? The dark-haired man couldn't explain it. He slowly opened his eyes. It was dark, only narrow beams of light from above broke through the darkness. Water dripped softly onto the earthy ground, disturbing the silence. The man with the short dark hair moaned softly before he tried to sit up. Due to the abrupt movement, the pain burned into his head like a hot iron and he paused briefly to wait until it ebbed a little. He looked around, taking care not to move his head too fast. As his eyes got used to the darkness, he realized that he was sitting in a pit. His eyes slowly moved upwards and it was hard for him to estimate how deep it was. The pit was covered by a thick blanket of plants. Only little light was able to pass through. The pain in his head made his vision blur, so he had to lower his gaze again. He sighed. His gaze focused on his wrist, which had a diamond-shaped implant embedded in it. The man frowned and wondered what idiot had implanted this shit in him and more importantly, what was it good for? He gently touched the thing. It felt strangely cool and he couldn't really identify the metallic-looking material. It fit his arm perfectly, though. A soft rustling from above distracted the man and he tried to find the source of it. Too quickly he looked up and again a stabbing pain shot through his head. "Shit," he quietly cursed, whereupon the rustling stopped immediately. The man could see a 50 cm long lizard in one of the small beams of light that broke on the wall. It had a narrow tail, as long as the lizard’s body. On the back, two fluorescent stripes were visible and the tail ended in a drop-like thickening, which glowed in a weak warm light.Santiago knew this type of lizard very well and swallowed hard. This is a fucking joke, right? It can't be? I can't be back there? I don't want to be back there.He looked at the lizard, who was watching him curiously. The creature chirped softly and then disappeared back up through the canopy. He felt anger rising inside him. It had taken him more than two years to escape the Ark, to trick the system and find a way back to Earth with the others. His plan had worked and they had actually succeeded. They had landed on Earth only to find that it was in a pathetic state. Now they had sent him back to that hell? Naked in a damn pit he couldn't get out of? He growled softly, but stopped immediately when he heard footsteps approaching, followed by a soft rustle. He tried to concentrate on the sounds, made difficult thanks to the nagging headache. The glowtail, as Helena had called this species of lizard, hung just below the plant cover on the wall to watch the man again. The steps were no longer audible. "Tara ?" called a male voice softly, which the glowtail answered immediately with a warm chirp. "What have you found now?" The voice came closer and he heard someone kneeling down to remove the plants that covered the pit. The man's gaze wandered upwards. At least there seemed to be others here. He was not the only one. Even if he would never admit, he was glad about it. It took a moment before the owner of the voice had created a hole big enough to look down. The incoming light blinded the guy in the pit and he had to close his eyes and shield them with his hand. It took him a moment to get used to the rather bright light and getting the pain in his head under control. "Oh..." said the voice in surprise when he saw a human being down there. The young man had obviously not expected to find someone in the pit. The light hair hung down his face. Part of his upper body was covered by a Tek-armor. It looked far more advanced than what the man in the pit had developed. Curiosity burned high in him. "What-" the younger man started, but the guy in the pit immediately cut him off. He was in pain and he wanted to know what was going on. He had never shown much consideration for others. "Where am I?" His voice sounded rough and much more pathetic than he had expected, as if he hadn't talked for a long time and the words obviously confused the young guy looking down at him. He shook his head slightly. "No, you are on Earth. Pretty fucked up, but Earth," the one from above answered unexpectedly friendly. The dark-haired man took a deep breath. After all, he was still on earth. "Can you get me out of this fucking pit?" He looked further up, which became more and more difficult for him as time went on. The bright light increased the pain in his head significantly. The young fellow rubbed his neck grinning briefly. It had not escaped his notice that the guy down there was not wearing any clothes. "You're naked." He stated. "And how did you get down there?" The young man almost seemed amused. "You'll have to ask the nice person who put me in this fucking hole." the dark-haired man's words dripped with sarcasm. The headache made is mood worse. He often was sarcastic and a real jerk and the bad mood only made it worse. Many couldn't deal with it but apparently the guy above didn't seem to mind and just raised his eyebrows slightly. "I'll get you some clothes and a rope so you can get out." He stood up, but paused once more and looked down. "What's your name?" he asked openly. "Does it matter? But if it makes you happy, Santiago." the man in the hole growled in a huff. "And to whom I have the honor of speaking?" "Jamie." The other one introduced himself and smiled for a moment, completely unaffected by Santiago's mood, before he disappeared. Santiago pulled a face and leaned against the wall exhausted. The glowtail was still sitting on the wall, watching stranger curiously. The animal almost looked as if it was assessing whether it was safe to approach further. Santiago assumed that the guy named Jamie must have been on the Ark as well; they had so badly destroyed. Nothing else made sense, at least for Santiago. He would have to ask Jamie some questions about it. It took quite a while until Jamie's face appeared at the pit again. He watched the man down there for a moment, who apparently had dozed off. "You wanna put on the clothes first?" he asked a little louder. Santiago flinched before slowly lifting his eyes. He had a biting comment on his tongue, which he swallowed, for now. "Throw that shit down." he growled instead and Jamie dropped a shirt and cargo pants into the pit. "I hope it’s ok." In Santiago’s opinion, the man was in far too good a mood, like all this was just a walk in the park. Didn't he know what was going on or was he just so naive? Santiago sighed softly and began to dress, which turned out to be a challenge. Santiago's whole body felt as if he hadn't moved for far too long, every bigger movement hurt and so it took some time until Santiago had finally put on the pants and shirt. In the meantime, Jamie had started to enlarge the hole in the plant thicket. He wondered how Santiago had gotten there, especially since it had been overgrown for a long time. Jamie had not noticed any damage to the plants. He suspected that the man himself knew how he had ended up down there, but perhaps it was possible to find out. But first he had to get him out, which with Perseus’ help would not be that difficult. The Drake had laid down and watched from a safe distance. "Will it take you the whole day ?" Santiago grumbled. Jamie could hear the dark-haired man from downstairs and couldn't help but grin. Santiago's mood was clearly audible and he didn't seem to hide the fact that the whole situation pissed him off. Jamie could live with that. It was much easier for him to be frank, because he knew exactly what he was in for. "I can wait until tomorrow, if you want." He smiled innocently as he looked down. He could now clearly see the face down there. Santiago's gaze did not seem very friendly. "Then you will have to live with the fact that you let an innocent soul die down here." Santiago growled with little amusement. "We shall see." Jamie smiled again. Jamie disappeared again and Santiago sighed. His head ached and the painful pulling in his limbs drove him crazy, he was thirsty too and his stomach started growling. Jamie appeared at the hole again and slowly let down a rope.Santiago looked at the rope, which slowly came towards him. The thought of climbing up did not appeal to him at all. "Tie it around yourself. I'll pull you out." Jamie had noticed how stiff and lumbering the man below was moving. "Let me know when you're ready." Jamie disappeared from the hole again. The glowtail named Tara watched Santiago for a moment and then scampered up. Santiago was about to shake his head but paused, as this movement would only bring him another wave of pain. Instead, he grabbed the rope and started to tie it around his upper body. "I'm ready." he called and was pulled up with a jerk. He reached the top faster than expected. Lying on soft grass, the sun blinded him immediately so he had to shield his eyes. It was warm and he could hear the soft chirping of birds and a loud snort that made Santiago flinch. The pain that the whole rescue operation brought with it burned hot through his body. Santiago moaned softly and needed a moment to recognize the large silhouette that stood next to Jamie and towered above him but the feather comb on his head was unmistakable. Next to Jamie stood one of those creatures that lived deep down in the ark he had left behind. A kind of dragon that had nested there. Why was it here? And more importantly, why was it standing beside him, calm as a lamb? "Where…?" Everything started spinning and blurring in front of Santiago's eyes. He wanted to say more, but the world went dark. * * *

Description of Santiago:

Surname: Camacho Name: Santiago Gender: male Eye Color: dark brown Hair Color: dark brown, nearly black Height: 172 cm Weight: 60 kg Age: 29 Sexuality: Bi Nationality: Spanish

Family:

Santiago's parents are long dead and he never talks about them so not much is known.

Apperance:

Slim, developing a more athletic build due to an increase in training, Spanish origin, short, messy dark hair, stubble, angular features, tends to be sleep deprived.

Attire:

Simple shirts, cargo pants, combat boots, hoodies in muted coloring. He dislikes bright colors.

Notable Features:

none

Personality:

He calls himself a jerk and often is, but deep inside he is a nice and, even kind person. He hides his true personality behind a mask of sarcasm and cynicism as past experience has left him afraid of being hurt. He can be pretty impatient with others, especially when it comes to technical tasks or hacking. He even will take it in his own hands, if he believes the person is to slow or incompentent, which is nearly everyone. Fun facts:

Santiago loves pop music an the TV show URE Idol (United Republics of Earth).

[restlessmaknae]

measure of life

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

♦ Characters: uni student!Jin x uni student!OC (Luda)

♦ Genre: psychological, drama, angst, slice of life

♦ Words: 14k

♦ Warning: this story will be about the OC’s eating disorder - specifically anorexia - evolving and her fight with it, so even though there are no numbers mentioned here, eating disorder habits (calorie counting, weighing oneself, hiding in baggy clothes, lying etc) will be mentioned, so please, if you are easily triggered by the topic, do not read the story!

♦ A/N: Although there are fictional parts, a lot of scenes are inspired by my own life since I’ve also been dealing with anorexia myself, but I’ve been in recovery for three years and I’m better than ever! Therefore, I felt like I could do justice to my journey only if I finished writing this story that I started when I was diagnosed. If you or anyone suffer from an eating disorder, please, reach out for help! It will get better, I promise! My ask box is also always open! 💖

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? What do you see? Fat? What about your waistline? Is it correct? Do you think it should look like this? Do you think you should look like this?

They always say that you are not enough. You are not skinny enough. To be precise, you are not skinny. Who has ever told you that you are? No one? That’s right. That’s because nobody would like to lie to you. They would rather let it slide because they don’t want to hurt you.

Are you okay with that? Are you okay with how do you look? No? Then, change! After all, Jaejun even left you because you weren’t skinny. Or at least, not as skinny as your best friend. Or ex-best friend. 

Comparing, hah? What a nasty word! Still, it hurts, doesn’t it? You always knew that she was skinnier than you, she was always more beautiful than you and she was even praised for her pretty features. People even begged her to eat more when you just sat there staring blankly at your empty plate and wondered why nobody had asked you to do the same. Apparently, you never needed those extra calories because everyone knew that you would get fat. They were the ones who couldn’t. There were always people like your best friend who couldn’t gain a single pound even if they ate three times more than you. Not to mention that they could casually eat fatty, unhealthy food while you did your best to avoid it as much as possible. The result couldn’t be seen on you though.

Still, you are the one who’s not enough and you are the one who never once heard in her life that she’s skinny. You try to shrug it off and claim that it’s okay. You are okay with that. But it sucks, right? It does. Every single damn time when she’s munching away on her triple chocolate muffins while you are eating a single apple. Every single time a boy turns around to look at her, totally ignoring your presence. Every single time your friends whine that ’Please, Eunbi, eat more. You are so skinny!’ or ’Please, eat a lot. It won’t hurt, you need it.’ 

It’s like an invisible bullet through your heart. Every single time they fire at you and you can’t help but get weaker and weaker. You grow to hate yourself, your body, your weight. Everything that is you. Because that seems to be your only flaw now; you are a good student, people think that you have the perfect family, and you have never failed anything in your life. You are only flawed when it comes to your appearance.

Now, put an end to this! Change! It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Everyone’s dieting now, you can do it, too. You are strong enough, you can endure it. In the end, you will surely get what you want. Melt that fat and be the one who people call skinny! Dare to wear girly and not baggy clothes. Months from now on, you shouldn’t be afraid to show your figure to the world. You can do it, you can achieve it!

“Yes! I can do it,” she said to the figure in the mirror, frowning constantly at the sight. All she could see was fat, fat and fat. Her thighs were big, her waistline was something that she wouldn’t dare to look at and her cheeks were puffy. She looked at her reflection again, hoping that the picture would change, the flaws would fade away.

Unfortunately, they didn’t. Unbeknownst to her, it was all in her head, the seed of the growing disease was inside of her. It started with her vision. What she saw was not real, yet she believed that it was real.

“I have to do it,” she claimed confidently, throwing one last flinch at that so-called fat body of hers and left the room.

It was the day when it all started. When Choi Luda decided to listen to the intriguing voice in her head and follow its lead. It was a first-class ticket to the Hell of self-hatred.

You are not enough. I need someone better. You know… someone funnier, more easy-going, someone who doesn’t have such a low self-esteem. I know that you don’t do it to irritate others but honestly… after a while, it can get pretty annoying.

Jaejun’s words were still running through her head when she was on the way back to her apartment, resting her head on the cold glass of the window. It was only an hour ago when the boy confessed that he wanted to break up with her and left her at the restaurant where they had previously decided to meet up. She foresaw that something was fishy when they didn’t even order anything and the words had already slipped out of Jaejun’s mouth:

“We need to talk, Luda,” he announced after clearing his throat to get her attention and that’s how all it started. She didn’t know how long he talked but she knew that he completely broke her heart. Not once, not twice, multiple times.

It started with the fact that he found it annoying that she always refused to go to a fast-food restaurant when he asked her out. It wasn’t because she hated fast food – at that time, she could still stand the thought of eating a burger and chips – but she was fond of old school dates with watching movies at each other’s flats, going to the amusement park, having a picnic outside, going hiking together or merely having lunch at a decent restaurant, not Burger King. Was it really too much to ask? All Jaejun had always wanted to do was to go to a fast food restaurant where they couldn’t even hear each other properly.

On top of that, he blamed her because she wasn’t as lovely as Ara - her best friend. Obviously, she had seen that those two had a thing but she wouldn’t like to admit it. She would have felt more pitiful, she would have felt like she was being used. Jaejun needed her to get closer to Ara. Now, she saw it like how it was, not how she wanted it to be. And it hurt. It hurt as if a poisoned arrow had been sent to her heart, slowly and mercilessly encouraging the disease to spread through her veins and destroy her body.

And then again, she wasn’t enough. She dread those words because it would mean that she failed. All she did was to please others, to meet others’ expectations. She began to lose herself in the midst of trying to be perfect but she didn’t care until others approved of her – her friends, her family, her boyfriend, the professors and the society. She became a perfectionist, someone who feared making mistakes and was terrified to let people down.

You are not enough.

Another teardrop was making its way down her cheeks as she was sobbing silently in the back of the bus. It was past 9pm and she was the only passenger. Not like she would stop wiping if someone showed up but she felt like she was safe. The silence and the monotonous swing of the vehicle was somewhat soothing for her frazzled nerves. Yet, the tears seemed to have no end. She cried, cried and cried some more until a young man suddenly handed her a tissue.

“Is there something wrong?”

The gentle male voice asked and startled Luda who was absent-mindedly looking out of the window. She hadn’t even taken notice of the new passenger as she hadn’t had for that. She tried to pick herself up but to no avail. She was too broken for the time being.

No was what she tried to say but she couldn’t bring herself to lie. She was already fed up with lies, she didn’t want to become a lying machine herself.

“My...” She stuttered in between sobs and didn’t even manage to end her sentence. It was too sorrowful to say it out loud. She felt like if she told someone about the break-up, it would eventually become real and she would need to accept the fact and never broach up the topic again. However, she wasn’t over it, she still couldn’t let go of Jaejun’s words. They were haunting her, whispering creepily into her ears, grabbing her by the wrist and dragging her to the dark hole of self-hatred.

“I-I was actually...” She made an attempt to confess to the stranger but failed miserably. Instead, she burst into tears again.

The teardrops were searing, leaving sorrowful scars on her pale skin, placing poisonous kisses on her rosy cheeks. She wanted to wash away all the memories they had shared with Jaejun but she also felt pitiful at the same time. Was it really worth it to cry over such a guy like Lim Jaejun? Was he really worth it? Were those 11 months that they had spent together worthy of her pearl-like tears? She didn’t know, therefore she felt even more awful.

It got better only when the male started patting her back and gently prompted her to lean onto his shoulder. In the beginning, she protested a bit, fidgeting in her seat to make a decision but after a couple more sad teardrops, she decided to give in. At first, the whole situation felt peculiar – she was crying her eyes out in the arms of another man after an hour of her break-up – but after a while, she found the presence of the guy prominently reassuring and his touch undoubtedly fond.

So she just let it all out. She let the pain take over her and her pride to bury itself with her worried thoughts concerning the cosiness of their scene. The more she stayed in his arms, the less she felt the need to cry. It felt like a safe haven to her. He felt like a safe haven to her.

Her wounds seemed to heal a bit, her mind was less tangled than before as her thoughts weren’t screaming as loudly as they had done so before the young man showed up. She felt at ease for the first time in the last couple of hours and it was all thanks to his assistance. If it weren’t for him, she would have cried the whole way back to her flat.

Speaking of the bus journey itself, they were slowly approaching her final destination and the thought made her come back to her senses. As it crossed her mind, she immediately pulled back from him, a bit ashamed because of the fact that she had just revealed her weak self to a total stranger.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” she apologised in an instant and busied herself with wiping off the imaginable dust from her jeans. “I’ve just made your shirt all wet. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have−”

“No, no, it’s totally okay,” the handsome stranger cut her off and boosted a friendly smile to set her at ease. “When one needs someone to lean on, I am more than happy to be that someone. It would get worse if you didn’t let it out, so don’t be ashamed,” he stated gently, his soft, honey-like voice sending pleasant chills running down her spine. 

She couldn’t help but feel guilty at the immediate reaction of her body. He was a stranger after all. His presence shouldn’t have done odd things to the state of her heart the day her boyfriend just dumped her! It wasn’t right.

“But it’s so weird. I don’t even know you.”

“Everyone starts out as strangers, right?” He shrugged it off with the most reassuring smile that she had ever seen in her life. Her shoulders slumped. Unwarily, a smile casted on her face as well.

“Right.” Luda nodded coyly.

The next few seconds were spent in awkward silence, both of them stealing glances when the other wasn’t aware of being watched. Neither of them knew what to say or do until the handsome stranger finally broke the silence.

“By the way, I’m Kim Seokjin. But you can just call me Jin,” he introduced himself as he reached his hand out and she took it without hesitation. She had to admit that his grip was firm yet gentle. His touch was searing yet tempting. She found herself staring at their hands, examining the obvious difference between their sizes. The boy’s hand was so much larger than hers and his fingers were also longer. They looked like the fingers of an artist or at least someone who had constantly worked on something using his hands. She pondered for a thought what he could possibly be doing.

“Choi Luda,” she did the same, bobbing her head and removing her hand from his. “And thank you for−”

“Being your crying pillow?” Jin raised his eyebrow in question, his eyes hinting at his amusement. “Anytime,” he offered voluntarily, making both of them astonished at his remark.

Yet, she soon found herself laughing at his cute comment. It was the first time she laughed that day and it felt like the weight was finally lifted off of her chest. She was finally able to breathe. Her head wasn’t full of negative thoughts. That one monologue wasn’t playing in her head like a broken tape record. No. It was her, the sound of her pleased laughter and his breathtaking smile. 

“Now you are laughing at me. Why? I was totally serious!” He acted like he was hurt but she could detect the playfulness in his voice. A moment later, her theory proved right as he also let himself laugh with her. “Just kidding, I’m happy that you can smile now,” he noted smoothly, making her blush like a teenage girl. It was weird to hear something like this from a stranger but it made her heart leap a bit.

Unfortunately, the bus came to a halt and it was already her stop, so she needed to get off. The doors flew open and she didn’t have time to say a proper goodbye even though she wanted to say so many things to Jin. She was utterly thankful for him being there for her despite the fact that she didn’t even tell him that she was under the weather because her boyfriend had broken up with her. Nonetheless, he – quite literally – offered a shoulder to lean on, helping her until she was able to smile again. There was so much to be thankful for, yet the time was ticking.

“Uh, that’s my stop, I need to get off.” Luda jumped from her seat in an instant and swiftly made her way to the door. “Thank you so much, Jin! I hope we’ll see each other in the future!” She hollered before the doors closed behind her. 

She pouted a bit as she turned around and the vehicle was already moving but it was immediately replaced by a smile when she caught sight of the handsome stranger who was grinning widely and waving in her direction. Before the bus totally disappeared from her sight, she swore that she had seen a flying kiss from him.

What a day!

There was one thing she hated even more than the fact that she needed to attend her lectures at the university. It was the fact that most likely, she would bump into her best friend. Or ex-best friend. Who knew actually?

Jaejun had dumped her on Friday and here she was in her tiny room the following Monday with tangled thoughts and still no calls from Ara. Did she really think that it should be the way she tells her that Jaejun was interested in her and they actually broke up because of her? She doubted that Ara had no idea what was going on. Even if she really didn’t know, she should have called her to ask her about it, offer that she would listen to her rumblings or suggest watching a romantic movie and cursing all males who were living on this planet.

That’s what they used to do when they had still been best friends. They had been close ever since Luda’s family had moved next door when they had both been little kids. As Ara had been the only girl who had been her age in the neighbourhood, they had had no chance but to play together and the afternoons spent together at the playground had eventually grown into friendship. Ever since the day Ara had been forced to bring cookie to welcome the new neighbours and Luda had been the one to open the door for her, they had been inseparable. High school hadn’t been an obstacle either, they had been just as close – if not closer – as they used to be during their teenage years.

Then, university had come. Two years ago, they had both been accepted at the Seoul National University, therefore they had had to move to the capital. As they couldn’t find a flat which would be able to accommodate both of them, they had to be separated for the first time in their lives. They couldn’t even speak as much as they wanted to since Ara had started studying Korean History while Luda had started studying English Literature. Their time schedules had been different but she wouldn’t say that they had drifted apart. Their relationship had risen to a higher level, a more mature one. It had been a healthy change, an essential one. It hadn’t been until she had started dating Jaejun that things had also started to change between the two girls.

She shook her head fervently at the thought. She didn’t want to think about it. Her mind was already twisted, it was like a living monster. There was that tiny voice in her head that tried its best to persuade her that she wasn’t enough and that’s why people left her. That voice was born when the words had slipped through Jaejun’s mouth.

After that, there was no turning back, it was a constant companion. Although only a weekend passed, it came back again and again. It didn’t win over her, not yet. But whenever she saw a kissing couple on the streets, a flower that she used to get from Jaejun or his favourite fast food place where he hang out most of the time, she couldn’t help but feel worthless.

She couldn’t even bring herself to eat, the thought was sometimes so loud that she even lost her appetite. Other times, she would eat a delicious strawberry cupcake, just to forget about him. At that time, she was still in control of herself, her food and her life. The voice was born but it was still a baby.

“I hate Monday mornings,” she murmured under her breath as she made her way to the bathroom.

“You are not alone with that,” a raspy voice hollered from the opposite room. It was Luda’s flatmate – Inna – who was an early bird, even when she didn’t need to get up early for her classes. She was one year older than her and the flat that she rented was actually Inna’s father’s. They got on pretty well, although they didn’t talk a lot.

“Good to hear that,” she commented and a chuckle made its way past her lips as she stepped into the bathroom.

It took her 20 minutes to get changed and be ready to face the inevitable. She grabbed some baked goods – her favourite handmade, buttery croissants - and a cup of hot chocolate on her way to the university, making sure that she would get enough energy until lunch. She had decided to cut back on her snack time previously between breakfasts and lunch because she didn’t have the time to eat them due to her busy schedule. Plus, she convinced herself that it was only a habit that she started when she was still a secondary school student, so she wouldn’t need those extra calories anymore. But breakfast was breakfast and she adored croissants, she couldn’t imagine her mornings without some pastry accompanied by a hot drink. 

Of course, as time went by, it all changed.

“Luda, can we talk?”

The voice that she didn’t want to hear actually called her name. At first, she assumed that it was all in her head but when she turned around to look for its owner, she almost literally bumped into Ara.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit busy now,” she made an attempt to excuse herself because the thought of having a chat with Ara made her stomach churn with worry. “Can’t we talk a bit later?” she motioned with a forced smile plastered on her face but actually, she didn’t want to talk to her. Not then, not later, not ever. If she really wanted to talk to her, she should have called her already.

“Okay.” The other girl nodded in submission and her reaction caught her off-guard. Was it that easy to get rid of her? “How about we grab something at Starbucks later? They say they have a new cheesecake that you can’t miss out on,” she chattered gleefully as if there hadn’t been a single thing that she should be ashamed of.

Luda felt a need to outright laugh at her but instead, she was merely disgusted. How could she have ever spent time with a girl like Ara? How could she have ever see her as someone kind, caring and sympathetic? Her so-called best friend couldn’t even see that she wanted nothing more than to evaporate and never see her pretty face again.

“Actually, I have−”

“I’ll see you at 5 then. At our usual table.” Ara winked at her and swiftly scampered away before Luda could even have the chance to protest. A huff of air left her nose in disbelief. She couldn’t believe that Ara was so blind. So adamant. So annoying.

So perfect. So flawless. So pretty. So skinny.

Small wonder how she could find herself in the closest Starbucks an hour later, waiting for Ara to arrive. She impatiently looked at the clock but she immediately wished that she didn’t. 20 minutes had passed since her best friend should have arrived and she was nowhere in sight. Not to mention that the seconds passed by more and more slowly and she was already fed up with waiting. After all, she wasn’t the one who wanted this conversation and now she was the one who was there? What kind of absurd situation she had gotten herself into?

As soon as she made up her mind and stood up, Ara beamingly plunked herself down in the seat in front of her.

“Sorry, I’m late, I know. I’ve just had a talk with one of the guys at campus and−” she explained hurriedly, using large gestures to indicate her truth. Luda didn’t feel like listening to her excuse, so she cut her off.

“Was it Jaejun?”

“What?” Ara’s eyes widened in surprise but her astonishment slowly turned into something else. It was fear.

“I asked if that guy was Jaejun.”

“Uhm, well,” she hesitated, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly, a bit torn between the idea of lying to her best friend or telling her truth, even though she was perfectly aware of the fact that it would her hurt, if not breaking her heart. “Yeah, it was him,” she admitted ashamedly. She averted her eyes elsewhere but Luda’s face because she couldn’t bear the apparent disappointment showing on her face.

“Of course.” She couldn’t help but scoff. “Who else would it be?” Luda muttered but her best friend could still hear it perfectly well. She didn’t care anymore, it wasn’t like she didn’t have the right to be angry at her.

“I wanted to tell you, Luda. I really wanted to but I just couldn’t find the appropriate time to say it. It’s not something that I should tell you in the middle of the busy corridors.”

“You’re right. It’s not,” she agreed fervently. She had to remind herself again and again to keep her composure in check and never show her real feelings. Never say her real thoughts out loud, the ones that were kept in the deepest forests of her heart, nourished by the voice in her head. They were raw and merciless. They were already tearing her apart. “But you had the weekend for that. I bet you knew that we broke up with Jaejun on Friday, so you should have given me a call by now. Yet, you didn’t,” she pointed it out in a small voice.

“I know and I’m sorry. I really am. But… you know, it’s not an easy thing to talk about,” Ara admitted bashfully, her words barely audible.

Luda wanted to laugh scornfully, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. After all, she had never showed her proper feelings not to hurt anyone, so how could this time be any different? She felt the need to punch a wall though. Hearing that it wasn’t an easy thing to talk about was the biggest lie she had ever heard. Ara used to handle situations like this so well. Even when she had kissed Luda’s first boyfriend while they were hads till been dating, she had confessed to her the moment it had happened. She hadn’t even blinked, she hadn’t even hesitated. So, what exactly had changed since then?

“We didn’t mean to fall in love,” her best friend protested. She bit her lower lip, a habit that she still couldn’t get rid of when she was embarrassed despite her overflowing confidence. “It just… somehow happened on the way.”

“It just somehow happened?” Luda repeated, not believing her ears. What nonsense was she babbling about? Falling in love with your best friend’s boyfriend can just happen on the way? Rubbish! “Since when did you two have a thing? Since the party at Taehyung’s?” she raised her eyebrows in question, the rage underlying behind her actions.

Ara gulped. She wasn’t ready for such hardships. She thought that it would go smoothly, Luda being as sympathetic as ever, and she wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences of falling in love with Jaejun. It seemed that it wasn’t as easy as she had initially planned.

“Yeah, actually, it was then when we first realised that we like each other and we wanted to tell you. I swear.”

“It was already a month ago!” Luda croaked, her voice a bit raspy. “If you had said something then, it wouldn’t hurt so much now. Maybe you could have actually saved me from Jaejun’s horrible comparing.”

“I’m sorry. I know he thinks that I’m a goddess or something but I didn’t ask him to compare you to me,” Ara emphasised the fact but to no avail. Her best friend merely rolled her eyes at her and huffed furiously. She decided that it was enough for her. If Luda was playing dirty, so would she. She assumed that the epitome of goodness and purity would also forget her sin and let her get away with it – like she always did before – but it turned out that things were different now. Maybe Luda grew up after all. “And you have to admit that it’s pretty childish to get so worked up about his words. He said the mere facts. I can’t do anything about the fact that we are different in so many ways. Like I’m outgoing or skinny and you’re not.”

The sentence was left hanging in the air for a moment. Luda would swear that she heard her heart breaking into dozens of pieces. She was already bleeding on the battlefield, why would Ara make things even more painful?

“I’ve had enough,” Luda mumbled under her nose hastily and rose from her seat but Ara emulated her reaction in an instant.

“I didn’t mean that you are fat. You are at a normal weight and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that you always take it to heart when people comment on your appearance and I think you shouldn’t.”

Although it wasn’t meant to be rude, she felt like a bullet was sent to her heart. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? You are at a normal weight. But doesn’t normal equal fat? What do you think so? Doesn’t it sound like an insult to you? It was supposed to be a reassurance, so why do you think of it as something bad? Because you know she’s lying. She always did, you just pretended to believe them. After all, it’s still better to believe in lies than in nothing, right?

Luda needed a few moments to regain her composure and act as calm as possible. Her parents had always told her that it was better to remain composed even during arguments, so she tried her best to live up to their words.

“I don’t want to see you again,” Luda announced as she gritted her teeth in annoyance. She didn’t care that people took notice of her behaviour and threw looks at her. It wasn’t her who was the best guy in this story, and no matter how much her best friend wanted to make her stay by grabbing onto her wrist, she yanked her hand away from Ara’s. She really didn’t want to see her again.

When she stepped out of the busy place, the air felt suffocating. She felt like she was drowning and waves were crashing above her head. She couldn’t do anything to help her to the surface. She was already meters beneath the reality and she constantly got further and further away from help. Who was still there to save her?

I am here. And I will never leave your side. I promise that.

We’ve only just gotten started.

The days were slower and the nights were longer than Luda would have liked it. She was constantly in a war, both with the people in her life and both with her own feelings. 

Deep down, she could understand why Jaejun had dumped her to choose Miss Perfect Park Ara over her. Really, she could. Ara was the epitome of flawlessness; she was skinny and pretty, she had a great sense of humour, she was so talkative that she could easily chat with anyone for hours, not to mention her bubbly and free personality. Everyone seemed to like her, she pulled people closer like a magnet. She fancied going out, she was literally a social butterfly but her heart always belonged to those who were the closest to her. In a nutshell, she was perfect.

Compared to her, what was she? A waste of space, to say the least. She was never as outgoing as her best friend, she rather enjoyed quiet nights spent at home with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. She never considered herself funny, nor talkative. She wasn’t skinny either and to make matters worse, everyone made sure to emphasise that fact, too. She was certain that she wasn’t pretty and it didn’t even help when she replaced her glasses with contact lenses. Not to mention that she had tiny little freckles on her face and she had a scar on her chin which was still visible, even though she got it when she had been only 5. In a nutshell, she was the total opposite of Ara.

You were never enough. It’s time to change it. Now, you can be enough. Just lose some pounds and you’ll see it. You’ll feel better and people will like you. You will be more confident and you will start loving yourself. Trust me, I will help you.

She trusted that voice in her head. If she was able to prove herself that she was better than this, she would certainly be happier. After all, when someone is happy with herself, others will be happy when they are around her, right?

With that thought in mind, it wasn’t hard to make a change. She joined a gym near her flat and went there twice a week to do some fat-burning exercises. At university, she attended aerobics classes that she enjoyed whole-heartedly but she assumed that it wouldn’t be enough. Plus, those hours at the gym with sweating and pushing herself to her limits helped to distract her for a while. No more Jaejun, no more Ara. Just her mind and her body. The voice even encouraged her and it was kind of motivating. She did something for herself to help to move on and she truly enjoyed it. She took care of herself and her health, it was about nothing else at that time. She wanted to lose a couple of pounds but it was only an acceptable choice, not a life-threatening one.

It was after another exhausting session at the gym when she bumped into her handsome stranger again. She was sitting on the same bus, at the same spot, with different days behind her but with the same old feelings: hopelessness, loneliness and void. Although only two weeks passed, she was already trapped in a cage. Of course, without her or anyone else knowing. It was still a healthy way to approach heartbreak and major changes in life. It wasn’t an obsession. Not yet.

She was totally immersed into her thoughts when someone sat down beside her and started talking to her.

“Same bus, same time,” the voice called out and she had no choice but to turn her head to see who it was. Even without looking at him, she would have guessed that it was Jin, although they had met only once. He had a characteristically warm and soothing voice, she could easily identify it from thousands of other ones.

“Oh, Jin!” Luda’s eyes lit up brightly when their eyes met and Seokjin couldn’t even be happier. “It’s so good to see you. How are you?” she inquired curiously, her weariness from before totally disappearing thanks to the mere presence of the boy.

“I’m fine, thank you. And you?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” she stated with a radiant smile on her face. She felt so much better now that someone was beside her and that someone was Kim Seokjin himself. Last time, he had done so much for her, she wanted to properly thank him but didn’t have the chance since she had to get off before him. Now, it seemed that it was fate that they could meet again, therefore she didn’t want to let her chance slip away.

“Are you really okay?” Jin’s grin vanished in an instant and his expression became solemn again. His honey-like voice was laced with worry, his toffee-brown eyes filled with millions of shining stars, the ones that were her source of reassurance. They were sparkling, bathing in his affectionate and pouring her with love. Every time she looked into them, she felt like she was at a safe haven. He was her safe haven.

“Yes, really.” She nodded with an honest yet tired smile. During the last two weeks, she had been thinking a lot about her life and her choices – let it be her relationships, career goals and important milestones – and although she still wasn’t 100% over the break-up and the quarrel with Ara, she made a significant progress. 

“Are you sure?” Jin suspiciously raised an eyebrow at her and not even a hint of mockery was present in his diamond-like orbs. “You can tell me if something’s wrong,” he offered gently, making her wonder how a guy like him could be real.

He wasn’t her relative, nor a friend, he was basically a nobody to her. Yet, he still kept in mind that last time she had been under the weather and wanted to make sure that she was better now. Her heart leaped a bit thanks to his thoughtfulness.

“Yes, I’m totally sure.” Luda nodded more and more fervently until Jin finally seemed convinced. Then, she shook her head in disbelief but couldn’t hide a smile that was creeping onto her face. 

Seokjin was a literal angel for remembering the fact that she had been utterly devastated the last time they had met. Not all boys would act the same as him after such a first encounter but he was different. He didn’t even know that Jaejun had dumped her but he still offered to be her crying pillow. She couldn’t express how thankful she really was.

“But I couldn’t properly say thank you last time, so let me say it now.”

“No, no, you don’t have to,” the young man immediately cut her off but she would have lied if she had said that she wasn’t prepared for a similar reaction.

“No, really, I would like to say a massive thank you because you helped me a lot. I was going through a pretty hard time and you could cheer me up, so I’m really thankful,” Luda said it anyway because she was just too adamant to already give up. She was fed up with hiding her emotions and not saying out loud what she really wanted to say. After all, that was what partly led to her relationships falling apart. The other reason was that she was blind; she couldn’t see the signs in time. To be precise, she didn’t want to see the signs. “Is there a way that I can pay you back?”

“Oh no, you really don’t have to.” Jin shook his head. “I was happy that I could be there. It would have been a shame to let anyone sob silently in the back of the bus,” he casually confessed, making her totally baffled. She felt her cheeks heating up a bit and she would swear that her face was tinted pink, if not scarlet-red.

“Still, I feel like I have to thank you somehow,” she played the headstrong little girl who wouldn’t give up for the world but she really wanted to do something for him. Maybe they won’t meet again and she would feel just as ashamed as she did after they had first encountered. She had to seize the opportunity now. “I insist. Let me buy you a coffee or something. Then, you can leave me if you want but please, let me do it for you.”

She almost pleaded and Seokjin must have felt sorry for her because he gave in only a blink of an eye.

“Okay, I’m in. I can’t say no to such a great offer.” Jin clapped his hands in excitement and an enthusiastic grin was making its way onto his face. He was naturally attractive but when he smiled like that… oh no, Luda had a hard time keeping her composure in check. “One of my friends actually has a café just around the corner if you wish to give it a try,” he suggested and she couldn’t have anything against his idea. She mentally patted her shoulder because she had decided to take a bath at the gym’s bathroom before he bumped into Jin and didn’t want to get home to get changed. Now, it would be embarrassing to go out with her in her casual training clothes and sweaty body.

As there was really nothing that she could come up with, she gave him a thumbs-up and they headed to the café of Seokjin’s friend’s.

The Hope Café was a pretty, cosy place with lots of radiant colours, the walls decorated with breathtaking pictures from all around the world, classical jazz music playing in the background and grinning waiters and waitresses running back and forth.

At first, Luda was actually taken aback. It was nothing like the good old Starbucks with its highly modernised facilities, that typical green and brown interior design and annoyed stuff who were angry when someone wasn’t speaking loud enough. It was different yet refreshing. It felt a bit like home.

“Oh, Jin! You finally brought your girlfriend! How lovely!”

A joyful male voice hollered from behind the cash register and started walking towards them. He was a guy at around their age with average height, a casual, boy-next-door look and a happy vibe. She had never seen such a wide smile before, he smiled like he didn’t have any problems and everything was fine and unicorns still existed. He seemed so at ease.

Upon hearing his remark, she couldn’t cover up her bafflement. What? Did he just mention the word ‘girlfriend’? Oh no, he might have mistaken her for someone else! Even if it would mean that Seokjin had a girlfriend, she still wanted to clarify herself but Jin was faster than her.

“Actually, she’s not my girlfriend,” the young man explained with an apologetic smile while his friend pouted a bit, his smile wavering.

“You usually don’t bring girls here, so I thought that maybe, you finally got one for yourself,” he explained with sad puppy eyes but clapped his hands in the next moment. “Never mind, I’m happy that you decided to bring her here and I will make sure to keep her entertained.” He playfully winked at her, the russet-brown haired guy merely rolling his eyes in response. “I’m Jung Hoseok, by the way. I’m Jin’s friend and flatmate,” he turned to face Luda and offered a handshake. She took it without hesitation and made an attempt to give an introduction without making a fool out of herself.

“I’m Choi Luda. I’m−” she started speaking but closed her mouth shut when she realised that she had no idea how to define their relationship. They weren’t even friends, maybe not even acquaintances. But then, what were they?

“We met a few weeks ago on the bus when I tried to console her because she seriously looked like she needed company. Today, we also bumped into each other when we took the same bus and she wanted to thank me for what I had done last time, so she wanted to get me a coffee. Then, I mentioned visiting your café and she said yes.”

“You are at the best place for hot drinks, I can guarantee that!” Hoseok announced gleefully, making a casually passing by customer slightly jump in surprise. “We have the best ones in Seoul and we have such a wide range, I’m certain that your jaw will drop at the sight of our menu. Here, just take a look!” He shove a menu into her hands and while searching through all the drinks and snacks mentioned on the paper, Luda came to realise that Hoseok was right. 

They indeed had a wide range of goodies offered. They even had their own unique and quite creative names – like the hot chocolate made from white chocolate and topped with whipped cream and nuts called as the Lovely White Cloud or the triple-chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream called as the Chocolate Monster and his Sweet Vanilla – that she couldn’t help but boost a smile at such an extraordinary concept.

“So, what do you want?” Hoseok inquired after a minute or so of her examining the menu, the tiny voice in her head reminding her of the calories in those sweet desserts and drinks.

You need to work out tomorrow to compensate for your little cheating. Even though it’s only once in a while, you still can’t let go of control. You just can’t. If you do, you know you will be more miserable. If you hadn’t let things go in their way, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this horrible situation. Not letting go of control is the key.

“Ladies first!” Seokjin immediately flashed a smile and looked at her patiently, although she assumed that he had already tried all of the different variations since it was his friend’s café.

“Then, I would like to have a cup of Caramel Dream with the Strawberry&Lemon Rendez-vous,” she decided, trying to shake the unwanted thoughts off and focusing on the present instead of worrying about what would happen to her body if she drank and ate all she had ordered before.

A moment later, Jin also gave his order, and so Hoseok disappeared like he hadn’t even been there in the first place and they sat down at a window-table. Seokjin was a real gentleman, not only did he help her with her coat and put both of their clothes on the coat rack but he also pulled out her chair before seating himself. And they weren’t even in a fancy restaurant but a cosy café!

“Hoseok seems like a nice guy,” Luda commented after thanking him for his kindness because she was still taken aback by the fact that Jung Hoseok was literally a ray of sunshine. She had never met anyone like him before.

“He’s a great guy. Small wonder he’s my friend.”

“How did you two meet?” she asked curiously, resting her elbows on the table and chin in her hands. The russet-brown haired guy was more than happy to answer her question and slowly, without them realising, their conversation went on and on. 

As time went by, it wasn’t a nervous tip-toeing anymore and they didn’t only talk about the cliché topics that people bring up on their second encounter. But of course, they talked about hobbies, friends, family and studies as well. Luda’s jaw dropped when she actually learned that Seokjin was studying Art History and he wished to be either a curator or a teacher. In his free time, he loved to do sketches and little drawings but he made sure to let her know that he wasn’t good, he merely enjoyed it. She asked him to let her see at least one of his works and she whined until he didn’t give in.

The more they talked, the better she could suppress that little voice in her head. At first, it was screaming at her when her strawberry-lemon cheesecake and caramel-flavoured hot chocolate arrived but she ignored it. She had such a fun time with Seokjin that she totally forgot about the voice’s warning and she could fully enjoy herself. The guy was a fun and lovable companion, she laughed so much and it was for real. She didn’t have to force a smile, neither pretend to be interested because she was obviously interested. There was still so much she wanted to know about him!

Sadly, the hours flew by so quickly that it was already time to go home. Seokjin insisted on taking her home but she needed to do some grocery shopping, so she had to say no to his offer.

“Maybe next time,” she tried to cheer him up with a reassuring smile as they were walking down the streets to his bus stop. The stars in the boy’s toffee-brown eyes immediately lit up.

“So, is there a next time?” He raised his eyebrows in question, his tone a bit cautious. Luda tried her best to hide her embarrassment because she didn’t intend to be obvious, the words just slipped out of her mouth. Nevertheless, there was no use of crying over spilled milk, the words already said out loud.

“I guess.”

“Great!” Seokjin slightly jumped in delight and his adorable reaction triggered a joyful laugh from her, quietly leaving her rosy-coloured lips. “How about next Friday?” he inquired excitedly. She was pretty sure that she didn’t have anything scheduled for next Friday, so she agreed but they exchanged numbers just to make sure.

“Then, I’ll see you next Friday,” Seokjin waved as he was hopping on the bus and Luda happily waved back.

“Next Friday,” she repeated and watched as his bus was getting further and further away. As a goodbye present, she got another flying kiss from him. From that moment on, he couldn’t stop smiling until her way back to her flat.

The good feelings went away quickly, and no matter how hard Luda tried, she couldn’t forget about that piece of cake and that hot chocolate. She thought that she shouldn’t have let herself indulge in treats like this because if she did so once, then how many would follow? When would she be able to stop? Maybe others could do it, but she couldn’t. She needed to take control over her life, she needed to take control over herself or else the world would take control over her, and she would never ever let that happen again.

So she listened to the voice in her head, telling her to cut back here and there, her grocery list reducing when she next went to buy food for herself and her thoughts more and more occupied with food and exercising and calories. She started tracking the calories she consumed - both edible and drinkable forms -, so that it could give her a sense of control, so that she could feel like she could monitor what was going on in her life.

It did actually give her a sense of satisfaction, to know exactly what and how much she consumed, and she felt happy, content, joyful even because she thought that it could work. The voice in her head prompted her, motivated her to keep going, so eventually when she went to meet Jin the next Friday, she only drank a cup of hot tea, telling him that she had eaten before, so she was fine. He seemed to believe her, and it was just so easy to get away with it, she felt almost thrilled.

Besides, Jin was a lovely guy. He was very understanding, had a sense of humour she had definitely needed since her break-up and drifting apart from Ara too, and he always had such funny stories to tell, it was insane. She listened to his stories attentively, genuinely smiling and laughing along with him, the fact that she was skipping out on her lunch long forgotten. He was a good company, he could even make her forget about not eating, and it was alright.

She couldn’t quite know what to expect from that encounter though because she wasn’t sure that she could be interesting enough for Jin, so that he would want to meet her again, but eventually, he did so, and they agreed that they would meet again next time when both of their schedules would allow them to do so. As both of them were diligent university students at different universities and having different majors, they were bound to have clashing schedules, but they made it work and stayed in contact through messaging each other.

She had to admit that his food pictures were a bit triggering though, but she tried to go with usual lines such as ‘looks good’ and ‘hope you enjoy your food’ instead of commenting what they contained and how much calories he would consume by eating those. Eventually, she found herself looking up labels for the ingredients and nutrition lists and she looked up countless websites, searching for the best possible combinations of food that could help her by eating less.

Apart from going to the gym, looking up such facts took up most of her time, so she didn’t have more time to spend on her hobbies because she needed to study as well and work on assignments. She didn’t care though; as long as she could make sure that she was aware what she was doing to her body, it would be alright. It would be just a phase anyway, right?

The voice didn’t leave her. In fact, it became stronger and stronger as time went by, becoming her only friend after Ara had messed up their friendship so badly. Luda couldn’t tell whether she was glad or disappointed that the other girl didn’t even try to contact her after she had told her that she wouldn’t want to see her again, but it was how it was nevertheless, and losing a childhood best friend so abruptly definitely had its impact on her. She started feeling suffocated around strangers, always seeking out what flaws they could point out in her, and always questioning their motives. She didn’t want to fall into the same trap she had done so with Ara and Jaejun, but it meant that she didn’t even want to let anyone close to her. At least, not so soon.

The seed of doubt had been planted in her when it came to Jin as well, but they had already agreed on a time and a place for their next encounter, so she didn’t want to let him down, and she wanted to see if it would work out with her situation because Jin was really a great guy, and she couldn’t help but think that he was being genuine whenever he was around her, but she couldn’t tell anymore. She had thought the same about Ara and Jaejun as well, and look where she ended up at.

However, meeting Jin was really like the highlight of her day and the weeks behind her, the constant anxiousness and doubtful thoughts burying her joy and making her wary of meeting others. Though with Jin, it was almost easy to forget about her hardships because they could talk about so many things including her not so good relationship with her parents, the perks of sharing his flat with someone else, his newfound love for cooking or even just the bookstores she liked visiting in Seoul. They didn’t talk only about university, and it made her feel like so much more than just someone who wanted to be a straight A student to prove everyone that she was worthy and that she was a good person.

On the other hand, he picked up the fact that she hadn’t ordered any food, only a glass of still water and inquired the reason behind it. Luda tried to put on her best, most convincing smile when she spoke up.

“I’m not hungry.” She shook her head, lying, so that he wouldn’t ask about her way of eating. He probably wouldn’t understand anyway. It was just her and the voice. They were the ones knowing what it was about.

“Are you okay?” Jin kept insisting though, his mesmerizing, toffee-brown eyes searching for confirmation in her own orbs. She almost felt bad for telling him a fib when he looked like that. When he looked like he really cared about her. “You look a bit pale and sick. Are you coming down with something?” he inquired gently, even lowering his voice as if it could be a secret, but she just shrugged off his question. She had lost weight, but it was alright. She was doing well, she thought that she was the healthiest she had ever been.

“Oh, it’s just usual uni stress,” she reasoned casually, and while it was partly true, it was also partly a lie. The university workload did contribute to her perfectionism acting up even more, but she was managing well so far, she had performed really well on her tests and presentations so far, so she got it. But it needed to stay the same, so that she would feel okay.

“Okay, then. Let me know though if anything’s up. I may not be as good of a listener as my psychologist friend, but I’m here to listen if it’s about anything,” Jin chattered, his shoulders slumping in ease. He probably believed her words from the way he looked back at her, and even though she was thankful, she didn’t know if it was a good thing.

So even if he emptied his plate and mug and she left the empty glass of the still water on the table, he didn’t seem to want to pressure the topic anymore, and she was glad. She almost felt like as if she had been caught when she hadn’t been doing anything wrong in the first place.

Or at least, she didn’t think so, and that was the worst out of all; that she was no longer herself and she was no longer able to tell what was good and bad for her.

Weeks went by and then a month and then another month, and Luda found herself finding excuses to meet Jin because even just the thought of going out and feeling the pressure to eat the foods with unknown calories scared her so much that she would not only stick to her own safe foods that she knew the calories of, but she wouldn’t go to her favourite bakery either or go to group work meetings when it took place at a bar or restaurant, and she wouldn’t go out and eat because food was there, and she needed to know what and when and how much she would eat, so she could keep track of it alongside her weight.

It slowly became like a habit; weighing herself in the morning and at night, and sometimes during the day when she felt like she needed to and the voice prompted her to do so. She always had a mixed reaction whenever she saw the numbers on the scale because she might have been losing weight, but she never felt like it was enough or it was good. If it went up, then she would cut back even more, but even if the number went down, she would cut back as well. Because it was kind of satisfying to see how her efforts paid off, and how she really got it under control. She might not be able to control anything else from her own family to her ex-boyfriend or best friend, but she could control this. And it felt good.

The more time passed, the less she could exercise though because after failing a test, something in her broke, and she decided to spend the time in the gym on studying, so that she wouldn’t fall behind and end with a bad grade. She couldn’t afford to do so, she just couldn’t! She was a straight A student! What would her parents think? Would they compare her to Ara again? Would they compare her to her little sister again? What would her teachers think? She was better than this, she was so much better.

So having more time to spend on studying, she actually had more time to think about food because it really became constant; thinking about what and when and how much to eat. It was always going through her head, reminding her of her goals, and when she felt hungry between her planned meal times, she tried to suppress her hunger by drinking huge amounts of water or chewing bubble gums.

What was interesting though that now that Jin couldn’t even see her, it was only her flatmate - Inna - who could see her from time to time and inquire about her well-being. Though after listening to her worrying questions twice, Luda started hiding her body in baggy clothes, so that no one could see if she had gained or lost weight, only her and that ugly, judging mirror in her room that laughed at her every single night when all she could still see was fat. Would it ever be enough? The image looking back from the mirror?

As much as Inna was kind, Luda couldn’t appreciate her acts, not anymore.

“Look what I’ve found in the store today!” Inna announced as she entered their flat and Luda was just passing by with a glass of water in her hands. Again. She didn’t know anymore how much she had already drank, but probably not enough for the way she could still not suppress her hunger.

The girl then proceeded to show her the little bottled liquid with a wide smile.

“Your favourite brand! I know you’ve said a while ago that you couldn’t find it, but now I found it at this corner store not far from my uni,” Inna explained beamingly, and she reached out the bottle to Luda, watching as she hesitantly took it.

“Thank you, but you shouldn’t have done so,” she remarked with a forced smile. She wanted to tell her that she wouldn’t drink the chocolate milk anyway because it wouldn’t fit into her daily calories and food rules, but Inna’s wide smile stopped her from saying anything like that.

“Oh come on! You immediately came to my mind when I saw this, so drink it well!” Her flatmate suggested kindly before disappearing into the kitchen to pack out the other groceries she had gotten from the store.

Luda looked at the bottle in her hands, her heart wanting to drink it so desperately and her stomach even grumbling at the sight, but she couldn’t do it, not when the voice said otherwise. It wasn’t part of her plans, she couldn’t consume it, it would mess up everything, and then she would be out of control yet again. She couldn’t do so. Not anymore.

So she retreated into her room, closed the door behind her and put the glass of water on her table and threw the bottle of choco milk into her trash bin. She had to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Winter arrived quickly and with that, the snowy and windy weather became more and more prominent, forcing Luda to dress as warmly as possible, but the cold didn’t seem to go away. No matter how many layers she wore or if she had the heat on or not, she was cold. Always. Looking down at her bluish fingers and the remains of bloody patches reminding her of how the skin had come off there before, she told herself that it must have been because it was a particularly extreme winter, and she had always been a bit sensitive to cold, so maybe it was just worse this time.

She could put up with it, she tried to do so. The voice told her that she was strong enough for that, so she pulled through, applied body lotion and hand creams ever so frequently, but they didn’t seem to help a lot. Not as much as she had thought so, but it was fine, she reassured herself, hoping for the winter season to go away quickly.

Soon, the cold didn’t seem that outstanding anymore. It had become a part of her very much long and very much uneventful days. The same happened day by day; going to lectures, studying, measuring food, writing down calories, stepping on the scale to weigh herself, drinking excessive amount of water to suppress her hunger, and waiting for the day to end, so that she could go to sleep even if it meant tossing and turning in bed most of the time. She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, feeling ravenous, and she sometimes couldn’t even close her eyes. The daylight had become just as much of a nightmare as her nights, sheddings of hair on her pillow welcoming her every single morning.

She convinced herself though that she was doing okay, she was exercising well despite being more and more out of breath whenever she wanted to exercise or even just walking the stairs, and she was eating foods that were said to be healthy, she just controlled what she ate. She didn’t care how much she needed to lie or how many occasions she needed to turn down if it meant that she could stick to her own routine and be in control of her actions.

Seokjin also inquired if she wanted to meet up before Christmas, and Luda didn’t know why, but she was so frustrated at how he still tried to cling onto her. She couldn’t get it, he was just too good and too perfect for her, why would someone like him want to spend time with someone like her?

“Sorry. I haven’t told you, but the day you met me, I was crying because my boyfriend  broke up with me. I need time and space to move on and focus on myself. Please, understand.”

It was her way of saying that she had no idea why he would want to meet her again and to separate him from herself because that wouldn’t end well anyway. She didn’t trust others as much as before, but she didn’t know if she could even trust herself anymore. What had changed though? Life had been so cruel to her, she had it altogether, and then everything had fallen apart.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Of course, I’ll let you have your space and time. You can reach out to me anytime you want to though. I’m here if you just need someone to talk to,” said Jin through a message, and no matter how kind it seemed, Luda didn’t want to reply to it anymore. She just wanted to put everything in the past, and live day by day, obeying the rules of the voice in her head.

Inna was the only one who seemed genuinely worried about her, and who asked if she was feeling okay, but Luda had already become accustomed to lying people and convincing them that she was already over Jaejun and doing well. She was eating, she said, it was just the stress, she said. She couldn’t tell them how overwhelming it was if she couldn’t do what the voice told her to do so, how much she felt out of control. She couldn’t, she couldn’t let it happen again. She couldn’t disappoint others and herself. She needed to be strong.

However, with her semester over and the excuse to go home during the short winter break, she was almost obligated to go home between her semesters, and she couldn’t have been more frustrated.

She had never been on good terms with her family, they had always expected so much of her and belittled her efforts, and no matter how much she tried to live up to their expectations, she had never gotten genuine feedback. It was expected of you, her parents said, show a good example to your little sister, they said. When she had messed up something (anything), then came the questions why and how it could have happened.  

She always looked up to her parents and she was always grateful for what they had given her, but they had never been there for her emotionally, and she felt so alone even if they were around her. She had always tried to deny it, telling everyone just how much of a loving family she had, but they had never really listened to her, all the attention went to her little sister, and she was just expected to do well.

So to be controlled by them in another way - them telling her what to eat -, she felt out of control again, and it showed. She barely left her room saying that she needed to take care of something for her next semester which was a blatant lie, but they wouldn’t care anyway as long as she had gotten good grades and they could show her off as an example of their perfect parenting.

Only meal times were a struggle this way, but they were literal hell. She didn’t eat carbs, so she left out the side dishes and noodles they had prepared and indeed opted for the vegetables and other garnishes, hoping that they wouldn’t notice, having perfectly mastered the art of cutting her food into little pieces, drinking a lot between bites and eating slowly, so that it would seem like she took a long time to eat because she had eaten a lot. Usually, it had worked.

However, this time, her mother couldn’t let it go.

“Why are you picking on your food?” The woman looked at her after basically monitoring what she had been doing, just because she had no other topic to focus on because Luda’s little sister wasn’t talkative this time either. She was preparing for her senior year exams diligently, and the closer the date was, the more after school activities she had, so she was more tired than usually.

Luda took in a deep breath and answered without even thinking of telling them the truth. The lie slipped through as easily as if it would have been the truth. She almost believed it herself.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Is it because of Jaejun? Do you want to appeal to him by not eating?” Her father asked firmly, making her furrow her eyebrows in question. Really? That was the first question he could have asked? Doing it to appeal to a boy? Her ex-boyfriend out of all? It had already been difficult for her to tell her family the truth, but to take advantage of her honesty this way?

“Do you think I’m that kind of girl?” Luda scoffed, her voice raised due to the frustration that was slowly building up from the inside, yet her mother was ever so quick to tell her off for raising her voice at his father.

“Luda! It was just a simple question,” she tried to reason, giving her daughter a side-glance that she took with a frown. It had always been like this; if they threw offensive remarks at her and she told her own opinion or dared to show her feelings, they would get defensive and blame her for hurting them or blame her for overreacting. On the other hand, if she tried to play it save, suddenly she was ungrateful and neutral. She had never been enough. Never.

“No, I don’t want to appeal to him or anyone,” Luda said, but what she really wanted to say was that she just wanted to have control over her life. They wouldn’t understand that though. Every single time she had been just a tiny bit sad or disappointed, they had told her to cheer up and just relax. They had never been there to listen to her worries unlike they had done so with her little sister. Because her little sister had always cried to get their attention, and it had been enough for them to listen to her. 

“You aren’t eating dinner either, mom,” Luda pointed out with an edge to her words, but her mother shrugged it off. Like everything.

“I heard it’s not good for the body,” she reasoned, almost as obviously lying as one could be, but everyone seemed to drop the topic for her mother’s sake because they knew she had never been confident in her body, and started asking Luda about her studies instead.

It was always like this; if there was nothing else to talk about, came her studies. Not the way she was feeling, not how scared or happy or content she was with how the semester had gone or if she had been looking forward to the next one. It had always been about those results and classes excluding her emotions, and that hurt the most. It felt like silently screaming whenever she was beside them and didn’t say a thing about what was going on inside.

That dinner went by horribly slowly, but even that was better than when her little sister had pointed out her weight loss when she had accidentally opened the door on Luda when she had been in the bathroom and told their parents, her mother’s only comment being:

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

Even those few days she had spent at home had been enough to make her restrict even more and compensate for eating with her family and eating those foods she hadn’t been familiar with. Going back to weighing herself and tracking her calories were more crucial than ever before, and with the new semester starting, it became like a project to her to keep pushing, to keep up with it.

She didn’t care that she isolated herself from people, she didn’t care that she was always feeling cold despite winter turning into spring and spring turning into summer, having trouble sleeping, having a huge set of rigid rules when it came to foods and she was obsessively trying to follow those, she didn’t care her period hadn’t come for months, she didn’t care her hair was falling out, her nails were brittle, her skin was dry and bloody patches covered the surface because she convinced herself that she was the healthiest she had ever been. She didn’t care about the symptoms even if they were there because she thought that they were just temporary and had nothing to do with the way she was eating.

She kept going with whatever the voice wanted from her even though it didn’t feel like a friend anymore. If anything, it was an abusive one. An authoritative one. Nothing was ever enough for the voice either, but then again, when had she been ever enough for people? That voice was just another voice she couldn’t please, so she kept trying and trying until that voice seemed to have won.

Luda didn’t know how it happened, once she felt a bit dizzy while walking from her room to the bathroom and she felt her legs going weak and darkness embracing her and then the next thing she saw was light and blinding lamps, white walls and a doctor in a gown beside her. He kept asking her questions after saying that her pulse was dangerously low, and whenever she didn’t want to answer, Inna was there to answer what she knew of.

Luda kind of figured out that she must have fainted and it had been Inna who had called the ambulance, but she didn’t understand why was she still there, so she let Inna speak, and when the food topic came up, Luda was quick to protest.

“No, I eat, really. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been,” she tried to reason, but the doctor shook his head.

“A lot of eating disorder patients say so and end up in a hospital because they fainted from the lack of food,” he enlightened her firmly, his words truly shaking her. She glanced at Inna as well, but she only gave her a bitter smile in return. Did she believe the doctor’s words? “Eating disorders are deadly, and with your pulse, it’s a surprise you have never fainted, and it’s a miracle that your heart is still beating,” the man added neutrally, and if anything, this kind of information shook her to the core even more.

Luda tried to process what she had heard, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t accept it. It was ridiculous. She was alive and well, wasn’t she? She was doing well, she was eating, her heart was still beating, why would she die? Why would her pulse be low? But then again, why did she feel so ashamed? As if a secret of hers had been revealed? This complexity was giving her a headache, a painful one, a really painful one. She felt like she was splitted between the voice in her head and her own voice. It was the first time she felt like this ever since that voice had been born.

“No, I don’t have an eating disorder.” She shook her head fervently, that voice in her head screaming, yelling angrily at her for ever getting there, for ever getting a doctor question what she was doing. It was angry this time, and even though it had become more and more angry lately, Luda had never felt so afraid and so ashamed at the same time. Could they… could they be right?

“I’m fine,” she continued repeating herself until the tears started flooding and she had no more strength to obey the voice, letting Inna give her a hug and tell her that she would be there for her. The voice continued screaming and blaming and pointing its finger at her, making her cry out loud even more.

She lost, she knew it. The voice had always been stronger than her, and she had lost against it.

In fact, she had been losing ever since it had been born.

Everything happened so fast after the realization; a proper eating disorder specialist was assigned to her at the hospital, they ran some more health checks on her and gave her the diagnosis with guidelines for outpatient care because otherwise she would need to go inpatient and no matter what, she felt like she couldn’t give up on her studies. She was given nutritional advice and a meal plan, she was given a psychologist’s contact as well, her first appointment already settled, and by the time she left the hospital, she felt so weak and exhausted that she just wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t.

Inna was there to remind her that she should eat, and despite the fact that it was extremely difficult with that voice in her head screaming at her, she realized that she didn’t want to die. No. It had never been about wanting to die although by the end she had really felt like dying, she just wouldn’t admit it. She had felt so alone, and at least that voice had been there for her to comfort her, and it had really felt like it had become a friend. Until it hadn’t.

But no, she didn’t want to die. She might not have had a loving family or lots of friends or anything, but she still had dreams and things she wanted to accomplish, and just the thought of dying… it scared her. It scared her more than she would admit, so even if she was eating through tears, she did eat dinner that night, followed by a night of reading upon eating disorders and hers specifically - anorexia nervosa.

She indeed found articles about anorexia sufferers dying from their symptoms because their organs had stopped working properly and their hearts had stopped. It was so terrifying that Luda found herself crying again; a constant reaction ever since she had been told that she might have an eating disorder, and she had to realize that she had been holding back these tears all these time. She had never once cried ever since her break-up with Jaejun almost a year before, and it had come back all at once. She had convinced herself that she was fine and that she was doing well when really, she had never been sicker in her life, and people hadn’t even noticed. Her mother had even said that she had wished she could have her will-power, one horrible family encounter following another horrible one after that specific time.

She cried herself to sleep that night, hating the fact that things had gotten so out of control when she had been so convinced that she had been in control of her life, and hating herself, her life and that fucking voice in her head that made her feel like she couldn’t stop, but at least, she now knew that it was a problem, and if she wanted to live, she had to go against that voice.

Oh, how she wished it would have been that easy to just think that she could do it and then do it, but no. The first few days were okay, but then came the guilt and then restricting again, and then came the guilt for not eating well and then the cycle went on, eventually interrupted by the therapy sessions that did seem to help actually. At first, she was so damn scared to speak up and she just wanted to shrug it off, saying that she was doing better, she didn’t need help, but then the psychologist asked about her feelings, her real feelings, she asked about her relationships and family and childhood memories, and Luda once again had to realize that she had been deceiving herself all along.

That she had indeed never had the emotional support she had needed when she had been growing up, and that it showed in her low self-esteem, self-hatred and distorted body image. That she had always tried to suppress her feelings even when her boyfriend had dumped her and when her best friend hadn’t even wanted to confess to what had happened with Jaejun. She had tried so hard to always put others first that she had lost herself all along, her feelings buried under the pressure and her need to please others and to not hurt them, yet again triggered by what her parents had taught her, especially in relation to her younger sister.

Then again, that comparison with her younger sister and Luda not being the favourite child also came to surface, and she had never cried more than during that specific therapy session, finally seeing the situation for what it was and not just brushing it off, saying that it didn’t hurt her. Because it did, it always did. She just didn’t want to seem like an ungrateful child because she got a roof above her head, her parents paid for her tuition fees and they were doing well financially, so she couldn't have complained about those, but the emotional part… It had been lacking all along, and no matter how much she yearned for it, no matter how much she had tried to please her parents, she had always been pushed to the side as the second child.

“Eating disorders can manifest in many forms, but a lot of patients are actually silently struggling and yearning for love, acceptance and control, the people around them just wouldn’t notice or understand,” her psychologist told her when Luda apologized for crying, and the middle-aged woman tried to do everything in her power to make her feel better by telling her that it was okay to cry and what she was feeling was completely understandable.

“They never noticed. My mom even said that she wished she could have my will-power,” she admitted between sobs, getting the words out feeling a bit deliberating. She had never dared to say anything bad about her parents to others, but it felt like a wall had been broken down, and then many others followed.

The interesting thing about therapy was that after a while, Luda started getting more and more memories back as they were talking about certain topics, and it was odd, but her psychologist told her that those were the so-called repressed memories that might have been buried in the back of her mind because of the idea that her parents were perfect and that they had always been there for her when in reality they hadn’t been and these memories unlocked some hidden parts of her mind and of her hurt. Therefore, coming to terms with such situations definitely helped her to move on with her recovery, and therapy seemed useful.

Although just like with everything, there were always good and bad ones. In the beginning, there were a lot more bad days than good days, but it was because she knew that what she had been doing was wrong, and she hadn’t known before how to go against the voice, so she needed to learn it now. Not suppressing her emotions was also difficult because it was emotionally very much draining to realize just how many emotions she could feel and how overwhelming they could be.

Inna also became a great support to her, and even though Luda needed to be the one to save herself, she needed to be the one to pick up the food and eat it and deal with the emotions afterwards, having someone who had seen her at the worst, yet stayed by her side and tried to understand her was so reassuring because she knew she wasn’t alone.

“You know, I may not understand what you are going through, but anorexia is a serious mental illness, and it’s not an extreme diet like others say. So really, I’m so proud of you, and I’m always here if you need someone. Never ever think that you’re a burden,” Inna told her once when Luda was doubting why she had stayed by her side, and she gave her a thankful smile in return, but it wasn’t enough to show her gratitude. But she was trying. “I’m glad to see you smile again,” she added with a smile herself, and even though this wasn’t even a compliment, Luda felt like it was, and she felt almost teary hearing her words.

Some people seemed to be able to get why even smiling was a big thing.

Many relapses happened afterwards, and it didn’t help either that Luda’s parents didn’t think that it was more than an extreme diet and kept asking about her weight and kept telling her not to go to therapy because she didn’t have big enough of a problem, but she couldn’t care anymore. She put herself first and still pulled through with it because she knew how much she needed any help she could get and she knew it was about so much more than just food.

However, there was one person who actually came back into her life, and she was taken aback when she received a message from him, but when Jin asked if she was doing well, she found herself telling him about her mental health struggles, and told him that if he could wait a bit more, she would come out of it better Then, as someone who had a psychologist friend, Jin tried his best to support her even through messages, and eventually, they met up at the Hope Café again after Jin had asked her dozens of times if it was alright for her to eat out and whether she would feel uncomfortable.

She did feel a bit uncomfortable, but she knew that if she didn’t give it a try, the voice would win, and she didn’t want that, so she gritted her teeth, met the young man and let herself be fully concentrated on what he said instead of what she was eating.

“I’ve tried to ask my friend and look up what to say to someone with an eating disorder when they are eating, so I just want to say I’m really proud of you, every bite must be difficult for you, yet you are here, and you keep trying. That must require such strength and bravery on your part. You are the real fighter here,” Jin mentioned totally seriously, and Luda found herself absolutely speechless.

It was one thing that Inna who had taken her to the hospital after her fainting said similar things, but someone from whom she had isolated herself, someone who could have easily forgotten about her and someone who had never been forced to ask his psychologist friend or look up what eating disorders were about did so… It was truly heartwarming.

“Thank you, Jin. Really. I-I…” She tried to find the words to say, but she had no idea if words could portray what she was feeling. “Not everyone would take the time to look up such things, so I’m more than thankful.”

It might not have been easy to be around him and to believe that he was genuine, but she tried her best, and the more time passed, the more she realized that he was as genuine and understanding as one could be. Opening up to someone was always difficult, even more so with her struggles, but as time went by, she realized that it wasn’t a weakness to lean on others and others didn’t find her a burden when she was talking about her worries and hardships, and that some people would really just be there for her even if they weren’t family.

Though not until she actually learned to love herself, could she believe that others could love her, but after that, it became a bit easier to be around people and to be in her own skin. She also had to realize that life couldn’t be measured in numbers or expectations or others’ opinions or academic achievements, but in smiles, laughter, dreams, hopes and in the genuine love of people who were there for her including herself.

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 3

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chatper Warnings*** 

Word Coung: 2464

Pairing: Jensen Ackles X Reader, Jared x reader, OFC Steve x Reader, OFC Justin x Reader. Misha x Reader, Jensen x Jared, Jensen x Misha

A/N: When I originally wrote this chapter I didn’t even know who Steve Carlson was, so the Steve in this story isn’t him lol. Oddly enough I wrote this before I even really knew he was making an album lol. Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

Last night was a bad night for you. You were crushed that Jensen thought you were just some slut that likes to flirt with every married man that came through the studio because not a word of that was true. The way he was looking at you when he said it. There was no emotion in his eyes whatsoever. Just coldness. He looked at you like you were just another gold-digging whore. You don’t know why his opinion of you crushed you so badly, but it did.

It’s not like it was unusual in the industry that you were working in. Groupies came all the time to hang out and see if they could land themselves an upcoming artist that has potential, then ride that ride all the way down to music row. Steve did try and keep them at bay because he couldn't stand that part of the industry. It didn’t stop them from coming, but at least he did try.

You were no groupie, you worked your ass off to get to where you were in your job. You did it yourself through straight hard work and talent. You had no favors, no handouts, nothing. Everything you had, everything you accomplished, it was all you. 

Women are looked down on in most businesses, but in the entertainment industry, that reputation of whore seems to resound past any talent a woman might have. It wasn't usual for men to come in, and treat you the way Jensen had yesterday, but when he did it, it really hurt.

The way he jerked the coffee out of your hand, not even looking at you. Like you were nothing, trash, someone that wasn't worthy to be in his presents. 

That cut you deep.

Why did you care so much what this snob thought about you? You didn't like the way his opinion of you made you feel. The way it seemed to etch itself into you, and take root there. You whipped away a stray tear that was making its way down your face.

Most of the night you dreamed of Demon Dean. Because that's who he looked like yesterday when he demanded Steve make you bring him his coffee. 

The nightmares were vivid, more vivid than you’d ever experienced in your life. 

You used to like Demon Dean. You found it to be an interesting take on Dean's character. Now though. It gave you chills. You didn't know how you were going to face Jensen today. Still, you weren't going to let it cost you your job. You’d worked too hard, and come too far to let one man’s opinion of you destroy everything you had worked to build for yourself. 

So you text Steve back for the thousandth time just this morning telling him that you were fine and would see him in a little while. Justin and Steve knew you pretty well, and they could tell how Jensen's opinion of you had affected you. You had never walked out on a job before like that. Steve knew you weren’t just not feeling well and needed to go home. He knew Jensen had gotten to you. 

You just wish you knew why it affected you so much. You never cared what people thought about you before. It didn't make sense.

You jump in the shower quickly. Not feeling real into dressing up today, which there was no dress code at your job anyway, you throw on an old black and white Slipknot band shirt Justin had bought you years ago for a dirty Santa gift at work. It was comfortable, so, therefore, it was your favorite. A black pair of skinny ripped jeans, and a pair of black and white converse. You threw your hair into a messy bun and a light dusting of makeup. Today, that was just as good as it was going to get.

You just didn't feel pretty this morning. So you didn't see any need in trying. Yesterday you did the work, and it did not go well. Business suit, perfect hair, makeup. Still, you were just a whore that liked to flirt with married men and needed to get Jensen his coffee.

As soon as you walked into the recording room this morning Justin and Steve were on their feet giving you a hug.

 "Don't pay attention to that overpaid, spoiled fuck Y/N," Justin said, pulling you into a bone-crushing hug. 

"Yeah, Jen's back today. She can pack him his damn coffee, and I hope she spits in it," Steve said through gritted teeth. 

They were a little overprotective of you, so this reaction didn't surprise you. They had become like family to you over the years. They treated you like a little sister, and they had no problem going to war for you if they had to. 

You look through the glass in front of you and see Jennifer sitting up everything for the day. She was young, probably 19 or 20, you didn't really ever ask. She was pretty though. Long blonde hair. Skinnier than you were, even though you weren't really all that heavy.  Blue eyes. 

She would probably make it far in the entertainment industry one day on her looks alone. She was dressed in her usual casual skinny jeans and tank top. You smirk at the fact that Jensen was probably gonna eat her alive today since he obviously had a problem with women. She looked a little to you like a gold-digging groupie the more you thought about it. She was a working mom though, and you respected her for that. It was hard to be a young mom, much less a working young mom.

"Has Jensen arrived yet?" you turn to Steve and ask, dreading the moment he walked into the studio already. 

Also, you were inwardly regretting your outfit choice. You weren't sure who would be under attack more, Jennifer, or you. 

"No, he's running a little late. Jared will be here again today, along with Misha Collins. He's in town for some type of charity function, and Jensen invited him to come to watch a little today," Steve said, turning to his buzzing phone, and walking out of the recording room.

You turned about to say that you hoped Misha wasn't as big of an ass hole as Jensen when you saw the group of actors walk into the studio. “Well crap, here it goes.”

"Misha, this is Y/N, and Justin, that girl in there putting out drinks is Jennifer," Steve said, and you all shook Misha's hand. He greeted everyone warmly and seemed to be a genuinely friendly guy. Jensen was looking at you with a look of distaste on his face, but there was a look in his eyes that you didn't recognize, something you hadn't seen yesterday, even if he was staring at you and snarling at you in a cocky smirk.

"What is this?" he asked gesturing up, and down your small frame. He was a giant compared to you. "Casual Tuesday? You are aware that it's not Friday yet right?" he blows off in a cocky tone. 

Misha and Jared turn to stare at him, but you say nothing. Taking a deep calming breath you turn around and start logging into the equipment. Misha came and took a seat by you, giving your shoulder a comforting squeeze. You smile at him and watch as Jennifer enters the room. “Showtime,” you think to yourself, but boy did you get the shock, and disappointment of your life.

"Well, well, I don't believe we met yesterday. What's your name beautiful?" Jensen said, turning to Jennifer.

You felt your stomach lurch, and you fraught to hold onto your breakfast. You got up and excused yourself to the bathroom. Steve and Justin watched you like you might snap at any minute. 

Well, he wants to be a jackass then two can play at this game. You were in control of today's recording session, and today wasn't going to be an easy one, for Jensen anyway. You, on the other hand, were going to enjoy this.

You walked out of the bathroom after composing your emotions and ran headlong into the large frame that was Jared. He grabbed your shoulders to steady you and keep you from falling back on your ass. 

"Sorry," he said in a rush. 

"It's okay," you retorted, turning a little red. Could you just not do anything right today? 

"I wanted to talk to you before we got started today. I want to apologize for the way Jensen is acting toward you. I've never seen him act quite like this toward anyone. He's going a divorce. It was just finalized yesterday. He's under a lot of stress," you held your hand up to stop Jared's retort of excuses he was trying to make for his friend's attitude.

"I'm sure he will be able to blow off a little steam with Jennifer on the break. Maybe if he gets one off he won't be such a dick. Now If you'll excuse me I've got work to do," you say, pushing past Jared before he could say anything and stepping back toward the recording room.

Neither of you saw Jensen leaning against the door in the hallway. He’d heard every word that Jared had said to you, and he was livid.

"What the fuck Jar?" Jensen said, making his presence known to his friend. Jared swore under his breath, turning to face a red face; and obviously pissed Jensen. 

"I could ask you the same question," Jared said, rounding on his friend. "What you do have against Y/N? She's done nothing to you, and you act like such an ass towards her every time you open your mouth?!"

Jensen stood there with his head cocked to the side. He had been acting like a dick, he was well aware of it. Still, he couldn't help it. Whether she was doing it on purpose or not she was driving him crazy, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on why. She was beautiful, but that wasn't it. It was something he felt deep down in his gut every time she looked at him. It scared him a little. He thought Danneel was the love of his life, he shouldn’t be feeling this way this early after a divorce. Maybe Y/N was right, maybe he did just need to get one off...

"Do you hate her or something?" Jared said, looking at his friend's dead-looking eyes with concern. Ever since Danneel had left him it was like Jensen had just shut down emotionally. He hated it. Hated seeing his friend like this.

"No, I don't hate her Jared," Jensen said, rubbing his hand through his hair, and turning to walk back into the recording room. Not wanting to have this conversation. 

"Well, you got a real fucked up way of showing it, man," Jared said as Jensen closed the door.

----------------------------------

Three hours later Jensen was about six mess ups into the same song he'd sang one thousand times. Mostly because every time you heard a note slightly off you would turn the mike on, and yell, "That's wrong, do it again". 

By now his face was red and he was getting pissed. You couldn’t help yourself though, you found it deeply satisfying. Every time you made him start over Jared and Misha would laugh hysterically behind you. Both of them thought that Jensen was getting exactly what he deserved. Jensen had obviously met his match.

"This whole house had got to be shaken.'."

"Wrong. Do it again."

"This whole house had got to be shaken.'."

"Wrong. Do it again."

"This whole house had got to be shaken’."

"Wrong. Do it again."

"This whole house had got to be shaken'."

"Wrong. Do it again."

This time Jensen had all he could take. 

"What is your fucking problem you bitch," he yelled into the microphone, and the whole room fell silent as the two of you stared at each other. Jensen was on his feet breathing heavily. His voice was slightly hoarse from trying to hit the same note over and over again. Still, he was slightly off every time, and you had every intention to make him do it until he got it right. The miss was so subtle that you would have to be listening to really hear it, most people wouldn’t have even caught it, and that's what made it fun for you. You were gonna make this ass hole lose his shit. Just like he was trying to do you. You were going to beat him in his own game.

You reached over and turned the speaker back on, staring at him, not even blinking. Everyone in the room was holding their breath. 

"You keep hitting the wrong note. You are gonna do it until you get it right. Now... Again..."

You stare at him coldly, and he looked at you like if you were a man he'd hit you. Misha started to snicker under his breath behind you, leaning over he whispered to Jared, "I like this one." 

You try to hide the smirk that threatens to play at your lips.

Jensen put his guitar back on his shoulder and began to strum the chorus again. Looking at you with a shit-eating grin on his face this time, which confused you a little. Was he enjoying this? Damn that man was gorgeous. Too bad he was a dick.

"This whole house had got to be shaken'," 

That time he hit it. He even realized when he hit it. The look of shock sat on everyone in the room's face. He finished out the chorus and you came back on the mic. 

He was standing there staring at you. A hard, yet mischievous look on his face. Something in his eyes lighting up for the first time since you met him. 

"That's a wrap," you say over the spacker, turning to Justin and Steve who were both grinning at you too. 

"Shut it down. That's enough for today," with that, you grabbed your stuff, hugged Misha who was laughing uncontrollably at the look on Jensen's face as you hugged Jared too; then left for the day more than a little proud of yourself. 

This man, he does something to you. Something you don't quite understand. He pulls a side of you out that you never knew was there, but you kinda like it. If you were being honest. You had forgotten what it felt like to stand up against something on your own two feet. 

Ever since you moved back to Austin after the death of both your parents, you had lost your fight somehow, and you hadn’t even realized it. Jensen seemed to be pulling that fight out of you, even if he didn’t mean to do it, or realize that he was doing it. 

You needed this challenge, and you sure as fuck weren’ going to let him win. 

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[jonathananubian]

Cuun Tracinya [SWs Fanfic]

I’ll only be posting the first chapter here. The rest will be on AO3.

Synopsis: Kote was raised to believe the jedi were near gods of infinite power who only accepted the best of the best. But when he meets an injured soft eyed man with coppery hair and a sweet smile- he realizes that jedi are more fragile than he'd been led to believe.

Something about this man, his gentle sincerity, endless kindness, and fiery determination, calls out to him. Calls out to all of the vode. They were told they were created for the jedi. But Kote can't help but thinking that maybe... it was the jedi who were made for them.

Tags: Alien biology, Taung ancestry, obsessive and possessive behavior, dubious morality, clone culture and pack dynamics/hierarchy. Characters: Obi-wan, Cody, Rex, the 212th Pairings: Obi-wan/Cody, Obi-wan/Rex, Obi-wan/212th Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26782984/chapters/65336146

The first thing they learned as cadets was that they were made for the Jedi. All powerful and aloof beings that would find them wanting if they weren’t good enough, fast enough, strong enough, or smart enough. The second thing they learned was what happened to those who didn’t make the cut. The brothers who disappeared one cycle and never returned. The ones with the wrong color of hair or eyes, the ones who had trouble learning, the ones whose hands shook when they whispered late at night ‘I can’t do this anymore.’

Nothing but the best would do for the Jedi.

Rising through all of that was a near impossible task and yet some vode found solace in the struggle, in the challenge. Kote was one of them. Jango himself had named the future clone commander after a particularly nasty test called the Gauntlet. Kote had stood tall against the challengers and held his position at the top, never allowing a single vod or even trainer to unseat him. He was moved straight to the command track the next day.

As they grew they were introduced more and more to the idea of Jedi and what serving the Republic would be like. Soldiers, they were, and fighting was in their blood. But something struck Kote as odd. What he could find of the Jedi painted them not as war heroes but as some kind of peace keeper. He began to wonder why the Jedi, powerful beings of near limitless power with the ability to move things with their mind, would need an army. If one of them was worth an entire battalion… then why were there battalions to begin with?

The first time he saw a Jedi he knew immediately who and what they were. Brown robes, soaked from the rain, and pale skin that could barely be seen from under the wide hood. A thrill of anticipation ran through him. He had so many questions he wanted to ask, so many things he needed to know.

Then the hood came down and he froze. Copper locks, the likes of which he’d never seen before, and liquid blue eyes that made his heart speed in his chest. “Huh, Stewjoni. Don’t see that every day.” Two of the trainers had been doing a review of the troops, pitting them against each other in some sort of game to see how well they could think on the field. Both of them stopped to watch the Jedi as they passed. “Wonder how the Jetii manage to keep them away from all the slavers. Stewjoni are a rare breed.” Kote’s eyes followed the Jedi until they were out of sight- he needed to do research.

Stewjoni, it turns out, were a race of near-humans who were known for their high fertility and advanced adaptability. They could survive, and even thrive, almost anywhere. Them being a Jedi just made all the more sense to him now. And yet… the Jedi had looked so small next to the Kaminoans. There was something almost meek and gentle about them that made Kote frown in concern. He hoped he would be able to see them again and ask all the questions burning a hole in his mind.

Kote, and a large chunk of the command class, had never really put much stock in the Force or the Manda the trainers occasionally spoke about. So when he came across the Jedi again on his way to a class he was stunned still for a moment. The Jedi, who really needed a name, leaned against the white walls as if trying to keep themselves standing. Their cloak was gone and their uniform was soaked through, as if they’d decided to take a swim in the raging ocean below. Their hair was almost the color of blood and there was a bruise on their cheek. Kote started when he realized they were wounded.

“Sir!” The Jedi turned to look at him and fear crossed their face for a moment before it was hidden behind a blank mask. Kote knew that expression well and it shocked him to the core to see it one someone who was supposed to be his superior. “Let me help you to medical, Sir.” He said quietly, holding up his hands in a placating gesture often used on the more skittish of the young cadets. The Jedi gave him a small smile, trying to wave him off.

“Oh, no, I am perfectly fine. No need to see a medic. I’m only catching my breath.” They looked up at him, straightening, and Kote was surprised to find the Jedi was smaller than he was. Not by much, but it was enough. Funny, he’d never thought they would be smaller than he and his brothers. “Your, um, template?” The question was tentative, as if the Jedi wasn’t quite sure how to ask.

“The Prime.” Kote answered easily enough, liking the way the Jedi’s expression softened to appreciation.

“Ah, yes, thank you. The Prime, that is Jango, and I had a bit of a disagreement. I’m afraid my ship was utterly destroyed before he tossed me into the ocean.” There was a lightness to their voice, a hint of humor. It almost made him ignore the statement itself. Almost.

“The Prime did what!?” The Jedi shrank back slightly, as if worried about his reaction to the news. Honestly Kote was surprised he could read the nearly inexistent body language, especially with the loose clothing they were wearing. But there was something so expressive about their eyes, something that drew him in. “Sir, please at least let one of my medics check you over.” Knowing that the Jedi were supposedly mind readers he tried to force sincerity and concern into every single word. The Jedi shuddered slightly and licked his lips before slowly nodding. In relief Kote reached out and took the Jedi’s nearest arm, putting it over his neck and slipping an arm around the Jedi’s back to help him walk.

“This is completely unnecessary, you… ah.” Kote looked down at them when they faltered, finding the slight flush of their skin to be endearing. “I’m afraid I didn’t get your name.” Kote frowned slightly.

“Sorry, Sir. I am CC-2224.” There was a very pointed silence for a moment that he could almost feel. The hand over his shoulder clung even harder to his armor for a moment. “Or… you could call me Kote, if you prefer.” It was a risk, a gamble. There was no reason to believe a Jedi would care about something so simple as a name. Yet the relieved smile he received was enough to make his tense shoulders relax.

“Thank you for trusting me with your name, Kote.” The Jedi blinked for a moment, then frowned. “Is it Cody, or Glory? Like Darasuum Kote?” Hearing the Mando’a fall from their soft lips so easily made something light up inside him, something he couldn’t explain or control. He had to swallow hard past the sudden lump in his throat in order to reply.

“Bal kote, darasuum kote.” He murmured, feeling the tips of his ears burn.

“Suvarir. Kote it is.” They paused and a sheepish look crossed their face. “My name is Obi-wan Kenobi, He/Him, I am a Knight of the Jedi Order.” Kote tilted his head, wondering what that was in terms of rank. The Jedi were supposed to be their Generals, so he suspected it was something in that vein. He also didn’t miss how the Jedi had labeled himself as male, or at the very least using male terms. Kote would have to be sure to use them. Some of the trainers got particularly incensed when you messed up and called them by the wrong term.

As they walked further into Tipoca city every brother they passed quickly snapped to attention, trying desperately to hide the surprise and glee at finally seeing a Jedi in their midst before realizing that he was hurt. Even without looking Kote could just feel the sudden worry and concern, like a tangible sensation against his skin. Under his arm the Jedi shivered, although he couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or from the thoughts of his brothers around them. Eventually he sat them down in a common area and barked for a medic. The battalions had been assigned for half a year now, so everyone already knew their place. Where Kote went the rest of his battalion wasn’t far behind. So it wasn’t really a surprise when Stitch practically materialized next to them and began to fuss.

“Sir, what happened to you?” There was a hush as the clones waited to hear the Jedi speak. Kote already knew what his voice sounded like and even he was excited to hear that voice once again. The Jedi looked around at them wide eyed and politely cleared his throat.

“As I was telling Kote on the way here. I had a… disagreement with the Prime.” He glanced to Kote, as if trying to gauge whether he’d said it right. Kote gave him a small nod of acknowledgment and the Jedi continued. “We fought and my ship was destroyed. I ended up in the ocean, it was all quite unpleasant.” The hushed anticipation turned to awe. Even with their superior genetics none of them had ever been able to go toe to toe with the Prime. The fact that the Jedi didn’t have any broken limbs or was bleeding out all over the floor was impressive to say the least.

Stitch tugged at the Jedi’s clothes and got an annoyed look in response. The medic just scowled imperiously. “Sir, I can’t check you over properly unless you remove your… tops.” They weren’t quite sure what to call the loose cloth that covered the Jedi but it was obviously in the way. Seeing no objections, no one to back him up, the Jedi let out a sigh and finally complied. Kote tried not to stare at the pale scarred flesh, only focusing on the spreading yellow bruise over his right side. For the first time in his life he felt a small pang of jealousy as Stitch ran careful fingers over pale skin.

“Sir, you have at least three cracked ribs, multiple contusions, and a twisted ankle. I can administer a pain killer and some bacta, but that’s the best I can do at this time. I’m only a medic.” The Jedi smiled and shook his head.

“Really, there’s no need, I’ll be f-”

“What’s all this?” An unwanted voice called into the quiet moment of awe. Kote clenched his fists even as he straightened in response to a voice that he had been taught to obey. Sergeant Priest shoved past the troopers milling about. The man stopped once he could finally see the Jedi and his face contorted with disdain. “Jetii!” He hissed, reaching for his weapon.

Without a second thought three of the vode tackled the training sergeant to the floor. It didn’t matter if they were scared of him, it didn’t matter that he had a weapon and they had none, Priest had attempted to attack the Jedi. The Jedi who had been wounded in a previous fight and was sitting there amongst them, looking small and vulnerable. All of their instincts kicked in as the need to protect the Jedi took over.

“Get off of me!” The sergeant growled, trying to kick and punch the vode who were holding him down. The Jedi rose from the bench and moved closer to the struggling men. Kote wanted to reach out and stop him but found himself rooted to the spot when those blue eyes darkened to a stormy gray. Priest stopped moving and glared up at the Jedi. “You’re Kryze’s pet jetii, dar’manda whore!” He spat, face reddening with anger and strain. The Jedi stiffened in surprise before reaching out a hand and holding it above the sergeant’s face.

“Sleep.” Sergeant Priest shook his head vigorously, though his struggles were becoming weaker. “Go to sleep.” The Jedi wasn’t loud or even particularly forceful but there was something firm in his voice that felt unnatural, otherworldly. Priest’s eyes rolled back slightly before he slumped to the ground, unconscious. Whatever he’d done had rendered the man no longer a threat. The vode who had been holding onto him relaxed and slowly got up.

“Sir, we’ll see to it he’s locked up.” The Jedi smiled, though he wavered slightly on the spot.

“Thank you. I don’t want him to hurt anyone else.” There was a pause and a sigh. “I didn’t think that Jango Fett would allow Kyr’tsad anywhere near him, let alone allow someone like that to train his…” He shook his head almost sadly before he seemed to remember he had an audience.

Now that the danger was over there was more than one vod whose eyes were slowly trailing over his still unclothed chest and back. The Jedi’s face flushed beneath his beard and he shuffled nervously on his feet for a moment. “Sir, sit down and let me do my job. You need bacta. I’m worried about that sprain.” Thankfully Stitch was a persistent bastard of a vod and quickly hustled the Jedi back to the bench.

“Kote!” Turning he spied his favourite brother and smiled. Rex was a little winded, he’d probably run the entire way. Skidding to a stop next to him his brother opened his mouth to ask a question but stopped. His eyes had continued onward toward the odd splash of color in their midst and suddenly whatever his brother had meant to ask was gone to the void. Rex’s mouth hung open as he gaped at the half naked Jedi. Kote nudged him with an elbow and Rex shook for a moment, as if pulling himself out of a daydream.

“Is that-” Kote nodded.

‘Jedi. Mine. Get your own.’ It was only meant to be a playful jab, a throwaway joke, but something deep in his mind curled around the idea, clinging to it. The clones had been made for the Jedi, of course they would belong to them. But… why? Why did they need the clones if they were so powerful? He knew the Kaminoans were constantly lying, during testing, during class. Even the training sergeants disliked and distrusted the Kaminoans. So why should they blindly believe-

His brother responded by slapping him on the back of the head, which immediately broke through his thoughts. He glared at Rex, who gave him a cheeky smirk in return.

“Oh, hello there.” That soft voice called out to them. Rex turned to look at the Jedi and froze, expression carefully blank. Kote knew he was worried what the Jedi would think of him. After all the strict training and harsh testing Rex had been through, solely due to the color of his hair, he knew his brother was expecting to be found wanting. Even if he was one of the most talented vode.

“Sir.” Rex said, sanding at attention. The Jedi’s smile faltered slightly for a moment but it quickly returned.

“Who might you be?” Rex glanced at Kote, who signed a quick ‘designation,’ at him. His brother took a breath.

“CT-75-” The Jedi waved his hand in the air and Rex’s mouth shut with a snap.

“Oh, no, I… if you happen to have a name you prefer? I would be more than happy to use it.” Kote watched Rex as his brother digested the Jedi’s words before giving a slow, wary, nod.

���Rex.” The smile his brother received was one that Kote would be unable to forget as long as he lived. It was like seeing the sun for the first time.

“Oh thank the force! Please, if you all have names I would be honored to use them. None of this numbers business.” He faltered slightly, looking around. “Unless of course you prefer your numbers, in which case I will honor your decision and do my best to remember.” It was like a shock wave went through them. No one had ever told them they had a choice before.

“Thank you, Sir.” The Jedi looked up at him oddly, a slight frown on his lips.

“For what, Kote?” Stars, he could get used to hearing his name in that soft lilting voice.

“For using our names.” For giving them the choice to use them. A fierce look came over the Jedi and he stood, arms crossed over his chest.

“It’s what you all should have had from the beginning. You are all sentient beings with your own thoughts, feelings, and preferences. Each and every one of you shines differently in the force. You may look alike on the surface, Kote, but you are all unique.” A hush fell over them all as he spoke. There was a fire inside the Jedi that touched something within them, setting the tinder in their souls aflame.

“Sir.” Kote said, stepping closer and giving a proper salute. “We are at your command.” His, and no one else’s. Kote had already decided. This Jedi was his and he would kill anyone who tried to get in his way.

[chibimyumi]

Kinda personal question but what makes Elisabeth special to you? (Trigger warning) And in your opinion, does it romanticise things like mental illness and suicide? I think that ‘Die Schatten werden länger’ is a pretty apt metaphor for how it feels to have depression and suicidal thoughts (depending on one’s interpretation of what Death is) or to be emotionally abused. I ask about the productions with Furuka Yuta as Rudolf and the recent one with him as Death.

Dear Anon,

‘Elisabeth’ is my ultimate gateway down the rabbit hole of theatre and story-telling. Before ‘Elisabeth’ I was mostly a passive consumer of media, but after, I started to consider mechanisms of story-telling, and saw how different performers can tell different stories using the same script. This taught me how actions (dictated by the script) are just that - actions; and before we can understand a character, we must delve into what the context is of those actions.

Of course, the music is also just phenomenal, and it IS a musical, after all.

TL;DR: But importantly, I love ‘Elisabeth’ because it’s literally written to be a “F*ck you, Hollywood.”

In this post I discussed how ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ managed to save crumbling European cinematic culture. I am very tired of the Hollywood conventions, and ESPECIALLY tired of the glorification of romance. ‘Elisabeth’ subverted both of these stale conventions for me, and I was able to enjoy an alternative to the popular tropes of: “the superhuman lover, the caged bird, lonely at the top” in a new context.

This post will be divided into the following chapters:

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

1.2. Wife- and Motherhood

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

2.2. Depression in children

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

2.4. Deconstructing masculinity

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

3.2. Predatory lover?

4. Conclusion

Trigger Warning: The text below contains mention of depression and suicide.

Romanticising mental illness?

‘Elisabeth’ is admittedly a bit of a problematic fave to me; it does indeed romanticise mental illness. However! Contrary to mainstream conventions, ‘Elisabeth’s does not show that mental illness can be cured because of THE POWER OF LOVE! It unapologetically showcases the destructiveness of mental illness, and how it is a long and painful struggle without promise of success. And that is exactly what a mental illness can be.

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

Elisabeth herself is the clearest example. She was a happy-go-lucky girl who was not destined to become Empress (her sister was), and yet she was chosen as bride by the handsome and young Emperor, Franz I, against his mother’s will. It is the dream many girls are taught to have.

And yet, it was exactly after becoming part of a fairy tale that her life sank into hell. Not just because of Sophie, but also because of her husband. Her husband did not turn out to be ‘a bad guy’ like Hollywood will make you believe is the only reason a relationship will fail. No, Franz was just entirely ignorant towards anything Elisabeth needed. Franz’ failure as lover was not what he ‘did’, but rather, what he ‘did not’. I think it is very important to show how real relationships require compatibility AND hard-work, but that without both, it just won’t work.

1.2. Wife- and motherhood

In conventional media, a woman like Elisabeth’s journey would be to find ‘the love she deserves’, she would still be ‘someone’s romantic interest’, just not Franz’. But in the musical, her arc is preserving and exercising her autonomy, and make the best out of a terrible situation. Women are trapped in patriarchy, and usually there is just no escape. And therefore seeing the strength of a woman who makes the best out of her pain is inspiring, and more relatable.

Usually in media, if the woman is not ‘the wife’, then the way she is strong is her focus on being ‘the mother’. Elisabeth however, was shown to be a terrible mother! She was not callous, she was very loving in fact. But because she had so much going on, she simply did not have extra mental energy to spend on her son. I find it very refreshing that love is simply not enough to make human-relations work, whether it’s romantic or familial relationships. Saying that somebody fails in a relationship ‘because you don’t love x enough’ is shortsighted and backwards.

It is breathtaking for me to see a narrative that solely focused on a woman’s struggles without the romance, and without the shackles of motherhood. No, she was struggling because she could not be a person.

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

I also absolutely love how Elisabeth is not an idol that we are supposed to learn from. It’s not: “women! Look at this woman and [be/don’t be] this woman!!”. No, ‘Elisabeth’ leaves its viewer alone, and does not try to impose onto any ‘how to be a woman’.

We are simply supposed to see her life, and sympathise with her as human. The story never justifies her shortcomings, and never glorifies her as the fairy tale Empress ‘die Junge Kaiserin’ would have you believe.

‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does not treat its audience as people that must be educated; instead it assumes the audience has a mind of its own, and can participate in the story as Elisabeth’s peer.

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

Rudolf’s arc is likewise one wherein his mental illness is not ‘magically cured by romance’. The historic Rudolf was married and he was VERY unhappy in his marriage. However, his unhappy marriage was not the cause of his depression, nor did it really matter that much in making it worse. Rudolf did have a lover (Mary Vetsera), and they loved each other deeply. However, that was not enough to make his mental illness bearable for him.

This forbidden-love part of Rudolf’s life was so insignificant to his depression, that the writers left it out entirely in ‘Elisabeth das Musical’, and his arc was still perfectly round without it.

2.2. Depression in children

‘Elisabeth’ is an excellent example of how depression is not limited to certain groups of people; anyone can be haunted by it. Rudolf is able bodied, white, wealthy, the crown prince of an Empire, intelligent, etc. etc. And yet he had crippling depression, and it is NOT because he was whiny within privilege.

Just like with his mother, Rudolf is also not an idol we’re supposed to imitate. However, we are supposed to learn from seeing him. We first meet Rudolf as a young child, and because he was not given any help, his depression escalated into suicidal depression later on. Many people either don’t believe that children can be depressed, or simply don’t take it seriously. Rudolf however, shows everyone how depression can in fact destroy the lives of children, not unlike adults. Even better; he is a historic character who actually existed. Good luck denying that!

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

As discussed above, Rudolf’s struggle has nothing to do with romance, but crushing expectations. As Furukawa explained in this interview: “When Rudolf finally figured out what he wanted to do, he was faced with his country sinking into crisis. He was stuck in the situation where he did not have the power to say anything, and yet had the status wherein everyone expected him to act for the benefit of the state. If he did not act he would be a neglectful man, unworthy of the title of ‘crown prince’, but if he did act for the benefit of the state, he would be a rebel.”

I think it is very refreshing too that despite all the good qualities Rudolf has (2.2.), he simply could not live up to the crushing expectations. It is very important to see how failure is often not the inability of the person, but that too much was expected of ONE human being to begin with.

2.4. Deconstructing toxic masculinity

Rudolf performs a very refreshing form of masculinity that is a departure from Hollywood’s ‘male hero’ model. His entire character is centered on his vulnerability, but he is NEVER portrayed as the loser. Instead, we see a man admitting his vulnerability and looking his depression in the eyes, and never being ashamed of it. He never blames himself for ‘not being man enough’ to live up to social expectations. Instead of “becoming a proper man!!” Rudolf knows that what he needs is compassion, a person he can talk to (his mother), and a fucking break.

Death is almost always without exception ‘punishment’ in stories. However, with Rudolf there were clearly external factors that have nothing to do with his supposed inaptness. The perpetrator was active in the sense that LITERAL Death manipulating him into committing suicide. Rudolf was a victim instead of someone punished for a “sin of not being man enough”.

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

I am very tired of the good vs evil dichotomous story telling of Hollywood. Another thing I love about this musical is how it is entirely ambiguous who the villain is. It’s easy to point at Der Tod, but is he really the villain?

The script of this ingenious musical is written so freely that depending on the performers/director, the villain is either ambiguous, or non-existent, WITHOUT the story being vague. Depending on the actor of Der Tod, he is either an actual entity who governs over life and death, or the product of one’s imagination.

3.2. Predatory lover?

Der Tod’s existence and his pursuit of Elisabeth’s ‘love’ is the main factor that plays in saying “‘Elisabeth’ romanticises mental illness”. But depending on how the performers of Elisabeth and Der Tod interpret these roles, the story either becomes:

a toxic romance that is self-aware of its toxicity,

or like how Furukawa Yuta and Manaki Reika in 2019 managed, into a heroic tale of preserverence and a battle of wits.

Most importantly, in (most) non-Takarazuka versions, after Elisabeth dies, she is not there anymore to ‘reciprocate’ Der Tod’s feelings. She is just gone. Only in the Takarazuka version (I believe) does she enter the Underworld and actively becomes Der Tod’s lover.

So outside Takarazuka’s version, Der Tod is never rewarded with ‘a lover’; he simply gets his prey as a predator. Whether this ‘predator’ is a lover however, is again up to interpretation. But otherwise, death getting a mortal is just a very natural phenomenon, not victory as Furukawa puts it.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, yes, ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does have many elements that may qualify it as ‘a romanticisation of mental illness’, but ultimately I think it is not just that simple.

We must consider what the message is that the musical sends, and it is NOT: “because Elisabeth/Rudolf are mentally ill, they embark on an epic journey.” If anything, the musical makes very clear that the mental illnesses of Elisabeth and her son are the main culprit that MAKES them miserable, and that Der Tod is the personification thereof, hence his predatory nature. In ‘Elisabeth’, mental illness ‘preys’ on its victims.

The romanticisation mostly (though not solely) comes from the consumers, because we are conditioned to read stories like ‘Elisabeth’ as a romance.

We see a man (???) claiming to love a woman, and he chases her and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He goes through extreme means to impress her, and the story even comes with a ‘love rival’ (Franz).

We see a woman ‘yearning’ for something, and that something can only be given by Der Tod, and finally she does find peace when she is with him.

But, we must pay attention to what Elisabeth says when she is dead. It is not: “I’ve been looking for true love, and now I found it,” or “I wanted freedom, and you’ve been kindly offering it to me, but I was too foolish to accept earlier.” No, the very last thing she sings is:

“I have cried, laughed, been disheartened and I have prayed. There had been days where I tasted defeat in my senseless battle.Regardless, I have entrusted my life to myself alone!”

“Winning Elisabeth’s love” is the term Der Tod set without Elisabeth having any say in it. The term she set for herself is staying true to herself and not giving up; which she NEVER did. As such, THAT ⇈ was Elisabeth claiming victory of always having stayed true to herself, and it has NOTHING to do with Der Tod. She does not need Der Tod, she simply needed freedom.

[pidayforpi]

Rigmor of Cyrodiil is a wasted golden opportunity

(I should probably only post this on reddit, where people will understand. But...I feel like posting this here as well. Probably no one will understand.)

TL;DR, I give this mod a 60/100.

This is a review of the Skyrim mod Rigmor of Cyrodiil. This is the first time I have written a review for a mod. I thought of whether I should do it (let alone post it online), but since Rigmor of Cyrodiil (let’s call it RoC, not Republic of China) has a special place in my heart, I will do it just for this mod.

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First off, disclaimer. I...

...haven’t played the prequel Rigmor of Bruma. I will probably play it, but not soon because I need a rest.

...also haven’t played the sequel “Dragonchild”.

...don’t really care about the “lore” aspect. Skyrim is the only Elder Scrolls game I have played, so I can’t say I am familiar with the ES lore myself.

...also don’t really care about time-sensitivity. I am talking about modern slangs used in the mod. It just doesn’t bother me.

...don’t care about character stereotypes. It’s not easy to think of unique character settings all of the time. Cliché and a bit boring they may be, character tropes are hard to be avoided.

...don’t care about my character being forced to be the character the mod intents for me to be. I play a male/khajiit/friend-type character in my playthrough. I also haven’t touched the Skyrim main quest, so I am technically not a Dragonborn. I know many people get bothered by the limited choices/forced role-play aspect of the mod. But in my opinion, my character is just a character I lend to the mod. The mod is the story. The mod author is the storyteller. I don’t and don’t need to have any say about my character. I am just here to listen to the story.

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Overview (spoilers, of course)

RoC, as I see it, is a romance/politics/adventure genre of story. A quick description of the story:

The first part of the story revolves around Rigmor being forced to sign a legal document due to her noble status of her hometown Bruma. Being a free spirit, Rigmor just wants to sign the document, leave, and continue her carefree adventure with her boyfriend Bobby.

However, when she is in the capital, she is framed to be a traitor, as she is supposed to be the legal queen of the empire due to her family history. Thus, the current “bandit king” (who took the throne by force) and the queen Morag want to get rid of Rigmor to protect their own power.

You (the MC) has to rescue Rigmor from exile, and during the journey on Roscrea (?), you both learn that Morag is behind all of this conspiracy, including bribing Akaviri vampires and Tsaesci samurai with human flesh, and the reason behind her immortality is that she (1) is a vampire -> (2) is Molag Bal (I think?) -> (3) is relying on a soul gem powered by the souls of children.

Back home in Bruma (with the help of a pirate old friend and his crew), Bobby (who betrays Rigmor) and his men are attacking Bruma along with the central imperial government. You fight back, and capture Bobby.

After briefly settling the attacks on Bruma, you start your attack on Morag. To destroy her, you travel through the mountains to a ruins, along with a girl with the power to destroy the soul gem with her arrow. You raid the ruins, destroy Morag (Molag Bal), and go back to the base camp.

You suddenly fall into a near-death situation due to Morag’s curse, but is later saved by the goddess Alessia. When you wake up, war has already begun between Bruma and the imperial government. You, Rigmor and the protectors of Bruma launch a counterattack, successfully driving the imperial soldiers away and winning the war.

At the ending, you and Rigmor march into the imperial palace once again (the place where Rigmor sign the document), and kill the illegal bandit king (who fakes an armistice to assassinate you and Rigmor). You and Rigmor thus become the king and queen of Cyrodiil, when Rigmor announces she is pregnant with the next Dragonborn. The story ends.

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Obviously this is a very brief run-through of the plot of RoC. I omit many small encounters both intentionally and unintentionally, because that would be a lot (examples include...

-Rigmor falling sick on Roscrea

-The battle between locals of Roscrea and Akaviri

-The battle between the pirate crew and Akaviri

-The chancellor asking for peace between Bruma and the capital

-A mysterious old priest

-A wood elf general offering help to Rigmor, who hates elves due to her father being murdered by elves (I think it has something to do with Rigmor of Bruma the prequel?)

There are probably a lot more of these things in RoC, but I just can’t remember, nor will I list them all out.)

At first, RoC gives me a very good first impression.

Actually, in general, RoC is pretty enjoyable in its first quarter (not first half, mind you). That is, the first 2-3 hours of gameplay. I will say what I like about RoC in the next section, where I list what I like and don’t like in RoC.

I first started the mod last year in April. However, I stopped at the ship ride sequence back to Bruma due to study. I wanted to marathon the mod, but it was taking up too much time.

After finishing my public exam, I started the mod again (from the beginning) this year in July. I think it took me...2 weeks to complete it (to be fair, I have other things to do).

Even after finishing it, RoC still is a gem in my eye. Unlike any other Skyrim (story) mod I have played, RoC caught my eye. I have never been hyped by a mod. It’s just a shame how it progressed towards the end. It started with a pretty good image, but kept going downhill as I played it.

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Things I like about RoC

1.Thing I like the most about RoC: Beautiful.

And I mean that on multiple layers (so that probably concludes most of the things I like about RoC).

Assets: The world of Cyrodiil is beautiful. I use no ENB, only a weathers mod (that has some reshade I think), and it’s still beautiful. I took a lot of screenshots throughout my gameplay, because the scenery is just so wonderful. Be it the wilderness on the Table Mountain, or the bustling Imperial City...It’s crazy. The only mod (I have played) that beats RoC in terms of aesthetics is Malsea.

(Yes I know (some of) the assets are borrowed from Beyond Skyrim. But that doesn’t stop them from being beautiful.)

Screenplay: The scenes of RoC are beautiful. This is actually what caught my attention when I first played RoC. The signature scenes are overlooking Cyrodiil with Rigmor on top of a tree, and Rigmor devastated with her fate in front of her childhood “secret base”. These two scenes are crazy powerful. I have never seen such powerful, sentimental scenes in a video game, let alone a Skyrim mod. Even without playing RoB, I could feel the emotions: Only because she’s born to a noble family, Rigmor has to endure all of those matters. Later, it’s even found out that not only is she chosen by mortals, but she is also chosen by the gods. Sometimes, perhaps, Rigmor may even prefer the wandering, dangerous life in Skyrim to the boring, controlled life in Bruma.

Also beautiful are some of the dialogues written. Example is when the Chancellor Blackwell describes Rigmor being tortured when she’s arrested. When her hair is cut, when her clothes are torn...I could picture the whole scene and feel the sadness of Rigmor.

Characters: Rigmor is beautiful. No, I don’t mean her physical appearance. Rigmor actually reminds me of Princess Garnet from FF9 (you can call me a Zidane): A princess yearning for freedom but caught in a destined tragedy. On the other hand, her personality makes me think of Tifa Lockhart from FF7: A seemingly strong, yet emotional young woman. That’s why I think RoC is a tragedy and its ending is a sad one. Rigmor just wants freedom, but throughout the story she’s pushed around by others (arrested, forced to save the country, bare a child, only due to her family history and fate). In the end, she’s trapped in an even harsher cage: As the queen of Cyrodiil, how can she possibly run away? The story of RoC destroys the life of Rigmor, forcing her to accept the fate bestowed upon her. Her life is a tragedy, a beautiful tragedy.

Also brilliant is the voice-acting. Most of the main characters are professionally voiced. Rigmor, Bobby and Morag Sethius (?) are my favourite. I don’t find many mods that are voiced, let alone professionally voiced.

Story: The story (to a certain extent) is beautiful. RoC is a story-oriented mod and we all know it. The story is extremely detailed. Almost all side characters have character development to a certain extent. There are many dialogue scenes for character developments, such as Rigmor and you talking about the past, as a comparison to the sad present life you are experiencing now. Side characters have backstories, such as the orc warrior and her partner from the Burma Fighters’ Guild. Old, recurring characters have (I assume from RoB?) stories that detailed why they are in the position they are in now (such as a character becoming a Jarl in Skyrim). That fills up many plot holes, to the point of developing the holes to hills.

(Mind you, detail is also a problem in itself. I will discuss it later.)

The story is rather unique and not very lore-heavy (in its first quarter, at least). A pet peeve of mine when finding Skyrim story mods is the massive amount of lore in these mods. Stories that revolve around Dwermer, Daedra (etc.) immediately put a slightly bad taste in my mouth. In my opinion, lores are unnecessary, complicated and boring. I don’t care about a non-lore-friendly story. I just want a story that connects to me in a personal level, talking about issues that we, as real-life modern human beings, can relate to.

That’s why RoC’s story gave me a breath of fresh air when I first played it. Rigmor’s story is extremely relatable at first: Being forced to do something you have been running away from. You strongly want to continue running away, but you know the problem will come back to bite you, or others will suffer the consequences for you. Should you run? Or face it? I think many of us have, unfortunately, experienced this dilemma in real life.

Relatability is a very important aspect in storytelling. You have to let the readers relate to the main character on a personal level, so that readers can feel the emotions themselves. We don’t face celestial invasions or supernatural disasters in our everyday lives, so Skyrim lore-friendly story mods are more often than not non-relatable.

That’s what makes Rigmor’s story stand out (initially, I will talk about how the story goes on later).

2.Effort.

No matter you like the mod or not, you have to admit a lot of effort is put into the mod. A lot. RoC is very long, almost like an official DLC, or even a brand new video game. We have a huge map. We have many locations. We have many cutscenes. We have voiced characters. We have composed music. The programming alone is crazy effort. We have to give applause to the team making RoC (and RoB). They really put a lot of time and sweat into making a free Skyrim story mod.

Also give a big hand to the voice actress of Rigmor. She has voiced thousands of lines for one character. And the writers, as well. Millions of lines written in books, notes, dialogues.

All these efforts are not lost on me.

I can never make a Skyrim mod myself, so I admire all modders in the community. For team Rigmor, you surely deserve a seat as one of the most important modders of Skyrim.

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Things I don’t like about RoC

1.Thing I don’t like the most about RoC: Long. Too long.

The problem is not the mod duration. The problem stems from the awkward pacing and tension.

I would like to make a comparison between two video games to demonstrate this problem: Okami and Persona 5. For people who have played these two games, you may understand my opinion better. I assume most have not, so I will not spoil...much.

(ok there will be spoilers i will keep it as small as possible)

(you can skip this section if you just want to see the mod look for the “Back to RoC...” subtitle)

(also for people who have played and loved okami please don’t kill me i know a lot of people love that game)

(also i’m aware that is a kid’s game, but i’m judging it in terms of story pacing)

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Both games are of similar length, mind you. I used a year to complete Persona 5 (with school and study, of course), but I lose count of how long I used to finish Okami (I finished it this May).

This is because Okami was...sadly, getting boring. And this is due to its unbalanced pacing.

Games, or long stories in general, should have an ascending pacing and atmosphere up until the climax. The actions should get faster and faster. The missions should get more and more important. Little exception.

For Okami, I feel like the story was loosely planned. As if the story was being forced to extend when the developers realised the story was not long enough.

From the start, it is stated that Orochi is the main menace of the world. Then you would assume Orochi to be the final boss, or at least the second final boss, right?

The part up to Orochi is great. You save a local village, another village, and proceed to the capital of Japan. Neat.

Then the showdown comes down between you and Orochi. The battle is epic. Very dramatic (though a bit stupid for comic relief). I thought the game finale was at hand, given the fast pacing and the tense atmosphere.

But no, there are still at least 3 bosses until the final boss.

Then what is the tension all about?

The next boss (Kyuubi/Ninetails) also has a pretty good buildup. It leads to the deaths of two rather major characters, and you have to destroy it in its lair. Awesome.

But it’s still not the second final boss.

I stopped after the attack on Kyuubi, because it’s getting too long and boring. I felt like the story was never ending, and my patience was running dry. You kept giving me high tension, only for it to be a fraud. Similar to how the goal of the marathon keeps shifting backwards.

When you give me something that wows me, I will beg for more wows, stronger wows, until the finale.

It’s like competition. You try a 10km marathon, you then want to try another, and the next one will be a 15km.

You try a 15km marathon, you then want to try another, and the next one will be a 25km.

You win your friends in a chess game, you want to win the community.

You win the community, you want to win the country.

You win the country, you want to win the world.

Stories and games are like this too. If you give me cheap fast-food steak after I have tried a prime angus beef steak, I feel nothing. If you continue to do so, I will feel bored. Until you give me something better (or, at least equal).

That’s also why I think the ending of Okami is rather...simple. The tension before is too high, that the ending feels like it was rushed. There isn’t any buildup between the second final boss and the final boss. I beat both bosses in one day. You just...go.

I believe Persona 5 is no shorter in length than Okami. Then what made me so intrigued in Persona 5 that I followed it nonstop for a year? Pacing and atmosphere done right.

The first boss (basically a tutorial one) is a school teacher. Okay.

The second boss is a nation-famous artist. Great.

The third boss is a crime lord/gangster boss. Awesome.

The fourth boss is your future teammate. Cool.

The fifth boss is a world-famous entrepreneur. Magnificent.

Just from the status, do you see an ascending importance from each boss to each boss? From a nobody to someone everyone knows. You are evolving from a local hero to a world hero.

Although the fourth (and sixth) boss is a nobody again, they are linked to you personally. If you don’t do something, you will be in trouble. You face direct danger.

The seventh boss is the second final boss. They are the person the game hypes to be close to the final boss (similar to Orochi in Okami), and right after beating them, the final boss is at hand.

Not to mention the increasing linkage and pacing between the bosses.

Linkage-wise, in Okami, every boss is a separate monster. No linkage otherwise.

In Persona 5, the first boss has nothing to do with the main plot other than facilitating your awakening and forming your cool team (not really a spoiler the trailer shows it).

The second boss and third boss also have little to no importance to the main plot other than making you a greater hero (this is, however, a part of the main plot).

The fourth boss’ mother investigated the power you are using to beat bosses, and died because of her investigation.

The fifth and sixth boss are parts of the conspiracy of the seventh boss. And the seventh boss is your destined arch-enemy as shown by the game.

The final boss is the reason behind every boss you have beaten.

The linkage grows stronger and stronger from each boss to each boss, making you want to continue playing to find out the mastermind behind.

The pacing does a good thing to keep you focused as well. From first to fifth bosses, there are celebrations and fillers between the bosses. But from the sixth to final, no chit-chat whatsoever. One boss, onto the next. The breaks from first to fifth bosses are also really just breaks. Short and simple. One event per intermission. These breaks also give clues to future events, such as you seeing your future waifu teammate while watching fireworks after the third boss.

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Back to RoC...

Now you know the importance of pacing and tension, let’s discuss about RoC as a case study.

I believe (from many reviews online) that the unbalanced pacing is the reason why many players do not enjoy RoC. The weird pacing hurts the enjoyment of RoC a lot (I will say a -25 point goes to that).

There are many occasions where the tension is broken and the pacing halts to a crawl, mostly using dialogues. For example, the excessive use of military strategic conferences. These conferences are boring, whenever they are placed. When you put these conferences in between battles, it feels weird and extra boring. I know it is realistic for conferences to be held to discuss what to do next, but these conferences are just too long.

Times I think RoC has had weird pacing and tension (in terms of chronological order, of course including but not limited to):

-The escape on Roscrea. There are many times you both take a breather and chat. I get that it is used for the character development of Rigmor, but that’s just too much.

-Rigmor falling sick. This whole section feels unnecessary. I get they want to include Alessia (the witch-doctor of Rigmor) as part of a foreshadowing, but with you needing to gather ingredients for the Alessia and listening to her (fake?) backstory, it takes up a lot of time.

-Sabotaging the supply of Akaviri vampires and saving human slaves (on the way home to Bruma on the pirate ship). I get that they want to include that in a realistic, strategic sense, as well as show the kindness of Rigmor to save the innocent, but again, it’s not really that important, yet takes you a lot of time.

-Military conference back at Bruma, and the meeting with Chancellor Blackwell. Bruma is under attack. The tension is high. I recommend just get to the fighting part. More dialogues hurt the pacing in such a dire situation.

-Rigmor (and Blackwell) meeting with an imprisoned Bobby. I get that is for Rigmor to officially cut ties with Bobby, but in times of war, doing that slows down the pacing.

-During the expedition (to destroy Morag Sethius), too many breaks.

-After destroying Morag Sethius, any sequential military meetings (or human problems, except wars) seem boring. You just slain a Daedra. There’s nothing more exciting than that.

-Character developments for the Fighters’ Guild side characters right before the finale...? (I don’t want to be mean but I hate that)

These unnecessary (or unnecessarily long) interactions before or in a high tension situation harm the story very much. I don’t feel anything for these interactions. If you give me more of these, I will only feel bored. Until you give me something that wows me.

I think one of the general problems with the pacing of RoC is that a very high tension event is placed in the first half of the story. I am talking about the rescue of Rigmor. Rigmor is in a life-and-death situation, either she will be killed by men or demons. Saving Rigmor, bringing her home is (at least, to me) very important and put me on the edge of the seat. Therefore, after that, I assume the story will pick up its pace, and the ending is coming soon. But that is not the case.  There are still 10+ hours of playthrough, not to mention the story slowing down multiple times with the aforementioned “breaks”.

I will feel bored, until you give me immense danger again like you did with the rescue of Rigmor. Putting the Rigmor rescue arc in the near beginning forces you to pick up the pace and end the story quickly.

Another problem with the awkward pacing is a logical one. A significant example is the expedition arc. I don’t want to be mean, but aren’t you saving the world? Why are you always taking a rest? Even have time for Rigmor to take a bath? Another example is right before the finale. You have the empire at your mercy. Why do you still have time to ask a side character about her backstory? Don’t you want to get the war done? Aren’t you afraid the empire will launch a counterattack?

2.The Ending.

The problem is not that the ending is a sad one. The problem is of atmosphere and logic.

Although, having a sad ending will undoubtedly decrease enjoyability. After all, who doesn’t like a feel-good ending? With the already low enjoyability of RoC, having a sad ending surely add salt to the wound.

Atmosphere-wise, unless you really investigate the story, the ending doesn’t seem like a sad one. You don’t see Rigmor devastated with being forced to be the queen. The ending is progressed quickly without much buildup. The credit scene uses a...very epic remix of the Dragonborn theme. It looks...awkward. Similar to if Thanos snapped half of your favourite superheroes to oblivion, they and the other half are emotionless. No tears. No anger. No awesome, encouraging last words.

Logic-wise, I think neither you nor Rigmor would accept the ending. Both you (through dialogue choices) and Rigmor have always showed immense disgust with fate forcing them to do what they don’t want to. There are many occasions where both of you are like “screw the rules and prophecies”, even right before the finale. Then why would you two suddenly become so submissive and accept fate? You become the empire, while Rigmor becomes the queen and bears the Dragonchild.

You can say you both “mature” (even though I personally don’t think accepting whatever life puts onto you is being “mature”), but this is not shown. Rigmor and you, up to the ending, still refuse to accept fate. But the moment you enter the palace, you both suddenly mature and accept the thrones. This transition feels extremely sudden and weird.

3.Technical Problems

I seldom find technical problems the bane of my enjoyment. But when the problems are game-breaking, that is a problem (a famous example being Sonic ‘06).

Bugs: There are quite a number of bugs in RoC, either guaranteed or easily encountered. A significant example of guaranteed bugs is the Mara shrine scene. Again, I don’t want to be rude, but this is the first time a (serious mod, not joke) mod requires me to use console command to solve a bug. Immersion-breaking is not the problem. The problem is that if I did not know how to solve it, I couldn’t continue. I didn’t even know the command “TIM” (Toggle Immortal Mode) before I looked up on how to solve the Mara shrine bug (“TGM” doesn’t work for that situation).

Easily-encountered bugs are a lot in RoC. These bugs can break your quest, making you unable to continue your story. Examples include:

-Running from the trolls and giants on Roscrea. I think the game wants you to guide them through thin ice, so that the monsters will fall. But it just didn’t work for me. In the end I had to manually kill all the monsters (because Rigmor kept fighting/being attacked by the monsters).

-The meeting with Mr Bear. Because the meeting is placed right after a battle scene, Mr Bear will often be still in its “battle mode”, making you unable to interact with it. Worse if you (accidentally) past through the cave before the cutscene between Rigmor and Mr Bear (due to the lack of directions). I encountered this bug where Rigmor was on the other side of the mountain, yet the cutscene with Mr Bear still hadn’t finished. I had to use two third-party mods to solve this bug (by literally carrying Rigmor over the mountain).

-The battles on the sea. Did the mod team test-run the mod, or invite beta testers to test-run the mod before releasing? Given the narrow battle area and large amount of enemies, people going overboard (falling off the ship into the sea) is extremely easy. Worse when Rigmor or any quest characters have fallen overboard. I had to, again, use console command (“kill”) and a third-party mod (unlimited jumping) to kill every enemy that went overboard and get back onto the ship.

-Rigmor dying. I’m serious, this is possible. There should be an option where you can toggle her essentiality (?), but the option had to be unlocked through console command (at least for me). “Resurrect” console command will break Rigmor. A quest-given shout that should be used to resurrect Rigmor doesn’t work. Why don’t we just make Rigmor essential in the first place?

-Technically not a bug, but the game is sometimes too clueless for you. I’m okay with handholding, but not with no handholding at all. Lack of quest markers, vague directions, no signs that a cutscene is continuing...All these sometimes make me clueless as to what I should do. And it hurts the gameplay enjoyment. The large amount of flags (conditions you need to fulfil before the quest can continue) also lead to a lot of bugs, as you can easily miss those flags (such as talking to a certain person).

My recommendation for anyone who wants to try the mod is to save frequently. Not quicksave. Save. Especially before any battle scenes.

Difficulty: The mod is just too difficult. I play on Adept (default difficulty) because I want to experience the difficulty mod authors intend for you to have, but even that is too difficult for me.

Whenever there is a battle, it is almost always a large-scale one. Having a ton of enemies rushing at you makes surviving extremely difficult, let alone eliminating all enemies. I had to use a third-party (rather) OP spell to eliminate the enemies, or I would have to use whosyourdaddy God Mode. Unless you have a powerful character, or you play at a lower difficulty, legit combat is near impossible. Again, did the team test-run the mod at least once? Or is the mod supposed to be played at a lower difficult/with a very strong character?

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That’s all I have to say about Rigmor of Cyrodiil. It will always have a special place in my Skyrim gaming experience. The concept is great and unique, but the problems in execution just hurt the overall enjoyment of the mod. I will not advise against playing the mod. If you have time, please experience it for yourself, if story-oriented mod is your cup of tea.

This is the first non-fiction passage/review I have written (well, outside of school and exams). Thank you for reading!

(16-7-2020 ~ 17-7-2020)