#I don’t *love* some of the prose choices anymore but I think it generally holds up okay

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

BTS for "In This Darkness, I Have You"

Fic Specific Asks

BTS: I’ll write a DVD commentary about my personal favorite passage from [that fic]

OMG thinking about this fic for the first time since 2019. It’s been ages, so I’m just going to read through it and comment on anything that comes to mind!

So for context, the main premise of this is basically my take on the obligatory vampire period sex trope with alutegra lmfao. But specifically imagined as like a once a month no strings attached arrangement where integra REFUSES to ever acknowledge that there is like anything going on between them whatsoever. Mostly because she just can’t bear to actually unpack anything about their dynamic.

I tend to interpret Integra as just incredibly overworked and exhausted and also just. kind of emotionally stunted from having to bear the burden of acting like an adult from the age of twelve. She only knows how to compartmentalize and move on.

So this is obviously scene setting, leaning into the Tropes and horror angle. I always like making clear that Alucard is scary and gross lmao, and also that Integra’s super desensitized to it. This bit particularly though I also wanted to convey that he’s trying really hard!! It’s showmanship for her, he’s trying to put on a face that he thinks she expects and will be into.

So the fic takes place over the backdrop of a storm and the power going out. I think in context of the single one shot it feels a little jarring tbqh because of how things stop about twice to address it, but this fic fits into a continuity of a longer chapter fic I never actually wrote the entirety of. (Maybe one day?) And I think more mundane asides work better in that context. That being said it’s a (somewhat heavy handed?) metaphor. Integra just automatically blames him. He’s not correcting her, but it’s also like actually not his fault, and that comes up later. Idk tying into her perception of him as just more collected and in control of things than he actually is.

I’m generally very drawn to ship dynamics where one character just Can Not deal with being loved. But particularly in this case I think she just can’t like morally and ethically square it, because she feels immensely guilty for the whole… eternal servitude aspect but also doesn’t know what to do about any of it.

I think conversely Alucard truly just doesn’t care. He’s being honest when he asks if it matters. Sure, maybe their entire dynamic is fucked, so what?

This is condensed to see mostly the dialogue. I had a lot of fun with this back and forth! and like Alucard as a temperamental, mercurial type.

The return of the power outage subplot lmao! The Walter cameo was fun to me though. It’s really abrupt and it shakes up the mood a lot. I love writing a very over attentive Walter, perhaps because he’s perpetually feeling guilty…

I also just have a fun time writing him as a very intense mothering type. Kind of unsure how to care for Integra, especially now as an adult where she does not need caring for.

Anyway that last paragraph is a fairly crucial misunderstanding of Alucard I think. Again she doesn’t want to consider him being emotionally involved in anything! He does lash out and like deliberately fuck with her a lot but a) this would NOT be the time b) she views it as like this is just something he does as opposed to like letting herself see why.

And he plays into that perception! He’s like don’t mind me, I’m just silly!! Because admitting to genuine vulnerability is fucking humiliating and also when not in the heat of the moment, being bitter about the fact that she might like actually be grossed out by the prospect of him being in love with her, he absolutely knows that if they Have That Conversation she is going to fucking dump him entirely lmao. So he’s trying to shut the fuck up and not ruin things

And yeah this just further solidifies the points I was trying to make earlier. This fic is not subtle lmao. And if it wasn’t already clear, I just really like getting into Alucard being genuinely fragile.

Generally this fic doesn’t *resolve* anything between them. I don’t think anything I’ve ever written for these characters had a real resolution or solving of problems, just because there’s too much baggage to actually solve anything. But I think they end it with a slightly better understanding of each other. And Integra still has just as many issues with it rip.

Idk if this is potentially annoying to anyone who’s read it and liked the softer ending where she asks him to stay the night regardless of the dramatic conversations. But uh…. in the larger continuity that this fic falls into she’s absolutely going to start avoiding him after this lmao. Which Alucard, in turn, is not going to take well! They’re very dysfunctional.

Which isn’t the complete end of the romantic relationship either, because their boundaries are atrocious. But yeah this fic is def not the end/entire scope of that conflict.

[kalluun-patangaroa]

Brett Anderson: ‘I was trying to look at myself as a specimen’

by Helen Cullen

The Irish Times, 28 September 2019

Suede singer discusses his second memoir and how it swings from candour to euphoria

Brett Anderson’s book avoids exploitation of those that travelled within his orbit, with no trace of gossip, blame or exposé. Photograph: Paul Khera 

Here he comes: the beautiful one, with the book in his hand he vowed never to write. It was inevitable. Those who read his first memoir, 2018’s Coal Black Mornings, the bildungsroman which so elegantly deconstructed the childhood, adolescence and ultimate creation of the artist, will understand why it was so irresistible for him; Brett Anderson is a poet who discovered songwriting first.

Renowned for lyrics that elevate the banal, bleak ephemera of ordinary life to something extraordinary, Anderson says he finds “the iconography of mundanity inspiring. I look at a chain link fence and see romance there.” On this occasion, he has taken something extraordinary – cultural superstardom – and made it uniquely ordinary with its grounded presentation.

Once he had embraced the opportunities that writing his own memoir gave him; reclaiming truth from the tabloids, re-evaluating perceived successes and failures, creating the official record of Suede’s history, and all with the precision prose and eclectic turns of phrase that were synonymous with his lyrics, he was destined to keep going.

The first book was written for his son so that he would know his father in a way that is profoundly difficult for most of us. This time around, the book exists because Anderson loved writing Coal Black Mornings so much. “I thought it was really interesting what I did with it,” he explains, “so I couldn’t resist picking at the scab, although I know the experience of publishing this book will be different because of the period of my life that it deals with.”

Charting the ascent of Suede in the 1990s through the halcyon moments of appearing on the cover of Melody Maker before ever releasing a single, to the gut-wrenching ultimate implosion of the band, Anderson doesn’t shy away from either the glorious or the gory. The book ends backstage at the Graham Norton show with the band splitting up; the perfect moment to close as Anderson is unafraid to hold failure up to the light. As he says, “Sometimes it’s not the sparkling moments that define us but the darker ones leading up to them.”

Absence of exploitation

And yet he manages to achieve something unique for the realm of rock biography; the book exhibits a total absence of exploitation of those that travelled within his orbit, avoiding any trace of gossip, blame or exposé. All the revelations are his own; the secrets just his to tell. As such he is dispirited in anticipation of the inevitable trawling through by some for salacious quotes to satisfy a greediness for controversy.

“I know that a gossipiness is going to be projected on to it and that every review will focus on Britpop even though the whole point of the book was to try to talk about something other than that,” he says. “It was slightly naive of me to think that I could write about these things in a more interesting way without it being dragged back to that agenda, but I hope when people read it they will understand what I was trying to do.”

“I was interested in understanding what the industry did to me . . . out of fascination with how it all worked.” 

In chapter one, Anderson explains his ambition was “to use elements of my own story as a way to reach out and reveal the broader picture, to look at my journey from struggle to success and to self-destruction and back again and use that narrative to talk about some of the forces that acted on me and to maybe uncover some sort of truth about the machinery that whirrs away, often unseen, especially by those on whom it is working, to create the bands that people hear on the radio.”

The result becomes a masterclass in understanding the emotional and practical infrastructure of the 1990s music industry. The micro level of Anderson’s unique personal experience is positioned within the macro in an illuminating and thought-provoking manner that contextualises their trajectory.

Amoral industry

“I was trying to look at myself as almost like a specimen,” he says. “The industry is completely amoral. It’s not deliberately trying to romanticise drugs or damage anyone but these things grow out of it. I was interested in understanding what the industry did to me, not by way of complaint, but more out of fascination with how it all worked.”

Reading Anderson’s account of the darkest days of his addiction is harrowing; it’s difficult to reconcile his past self with the refined, intellectual and incredibly warm gentleman waxing lyrical before me on a sunny September morning in his west London bolthole. More than anything, it is a relief that he survived.

The memoir manages to avoid, however, pandering to the cliches surrounding the drug-fuelled mythology of rock stars that Anderson admits being seduced by. Instead it raises questions about the consequences of mining your own self as the muse. If you become personally invested in the dangerous myths that surround creativity – so you must keep perpetuating behaviours that might destroy you in order to create – how do you ever break that cycle and find a new way to work?

Looking back now, Anderson acknowledges that “justifying indulgences is a function of that myth but you do learn that isn’t the only way to create and that you don’t need an external stimulus to generate ideas – that in fact it can have the opposite effect”.

The importance of tenacity within the creative process is a major, and refreshing, theme of the memoir. It is poignant to hear Anderson recount how a fear of returning to the poverty of his childhood drove him to persevere with the band when others might have surrendered. Although many would disagree, it’s clear that Anderson does not consider himself an artistic visionary but rather someone with a great work ethic.

“I was brought up in a very poor family, aware of the narrow limitations of my parents’ lives. Not wanting that for myself and my own family still drives me,” he explains. “A lot of great art has been created because of that fear and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t give up and I like how hard I work, that I keep throwing ideas together and in the jumble occasionally good things pop up.”

Press caricature

Anderson’s account of how his persona was curated by the media at the height of their celebrity is compelling. Although his essential self was always driving their creative decisions, the press created a caricature of him that he lost control of and resulted in three decades of a man bridging the gap between his authentic self and a stage persona.

Brett Anderson and Suede: “It doesn’t matter what else I do now or how many great records I make because I was most influential as an artist during a certain time.” 

“It wasn’t something I was conscious of doing at the time but I definitely made choices that fuelled it and the press exaggerated it further and ran with it,” he explains. For all music fans, and the Suede tribe in particular, the book offers these delicious insights into all aspects of the band; their image, songwriting craft, business decisions and relationships with the press. Did he feel any anxiety about stripping away that protective veneer now and allowing the fans and beyond to visit Oz and meet the wizard?

“There was definitely a fear that I might be undermining my own mystique to its detriment but I’m at the phase in my career where it doesn’t matter anymore. If I’d done this 15 or 20 years ago I think it would’ve affected how people see me but by now my image is too set. It doesn’t matter what else I do now or how many great records I make because I was most influential as an artist during a certain time and I can’t ever get away from the perception formed then. It’s galling, irritating, frustrating but I just have to accept that.”

In this, Anderson may not be right. This memoir has a profound capacity to alter the way music fans perceive the industry, their idols and the creative process – and to challenge any fixed ideas they may have about the man himself. In the wake of their eighth studio album, 2018’s The Blue Hour, and the incredible documentary, The Insatiable Ones, produced by Mike Christie that charts 25 years of the band, Anderson is experiencing a cultural renaissance that signifies him as an artist still in his prime. In the memoir he describes Suede as being like “a pram that’s been pushed down a hill” but his legions of fans will be relieved to hear it is finally parked up safely. For now, at least.

Afternoons with the Blinds Drawn is published by Little, Brown on October 3rd

[killthebxy]

i have so many mixed feelings about the season finale.

so.

many.

mixed.

feelings.

and i don’t really know where to start... so i think i’ll start at the end. and i’ll start by making a separation in my analysis.

1. if we look at s08 ep6 on its own

          i’ve been writing Jon Snow since January 24th, 2017. s07 happened during April-May 2017, if i remember well? which means, some of you who’ve been with me from the start of my blog have watched me watching s07; have watched my reactions and my opinions and my rants. ever since then, i have been very open and very vocal about how much i loathed the idea of Jon as the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, and Jon eventually sitting this throne as king --- those of you who’ve followed me for less time also likely know this very well, because gods know i never shut up about it. so, considering the finale that Jon had... someone might tell me: you must be very happy! and, well... i am very happy. i was not made to see Jon sitting the throne. i was not made to see everyone call him Agony and hail him and glorify him. i got to see him wearing his black cloak again and returned to where he belongs --- away from thrones and kings and queens, away from the ungrateful northern lords, making peace with the free folk. hell, i even got to see him hugging Ghost, imagine. who would have thought, Jon Snow loves his soulmate more than his own life. sarcasm aside... yesterday, i told a couple of you that i had two final, very little requests of ep6: i wanted to see Jon crying (because i had read the leaks, and thus i knew what to expect) and i wanted to see those beautiful curls freed from the bun. and i got this. i got to see, FINALLY, after weeks, Jon Snow and not Agony Targaryen. loyal to the end, struggling with the cruel decision he had to make, quoting master Aemon, accepting his fate, doing his duty no matter the cost --- as he once did with Ygritte. if we look at this episode only, i got everything i ever hoped for, and for this i am grateful. and yet...

2. we cannot look at s08 ep6 on its own

          and this is where it all begins and ends. because ep6 does not exist on its own. does not exist in a void. nothing of what happened came out of spontaneous generation. Dany wasn’t suddenly the mad queen. Tyrion wasn’t suddenly clever again. Grey Worm wasn’t suddenly thirsty for blood and revenge. Jon Snow wasn’t suddenly Jon Snow and not Agony Targaryen. and this is why everything in this season is irredeemable to me, no matter how much i loved Jon’s finale if we look at it objectively and pragmatically.

          do you know why i love George’s writing so much? it’s not for the prose --- very honestly, 90% of the persons i roleplay with write better than him. it’s not completely for the storyline, either, though it is amazing --- very honestly, some of the book chapters are boring and long and fillers and with descriptions and details that no one cares about. i love George’s writing, however, for his absolutely brilliant talent to manage such a vast universe. he’s got so many major characters, thrice as many minor characters, even more characters that only appear at the end of the books, listed as part of the great houses and such. the experience of reading A Song of Ice and Fire, and least for me, was that --- you get to a point you lose track of what’s going on, exactly because there is SO MUCH going on. so many characters, so many stories, so many destinies. and i remember myself often asking: how the hell will some of this make sense in the end, this is huge and so complex. and then... then you get to A Dance with Dragons... and, fuck, it does make sense. ALL of it starts tying together. all the details, all the little plot twists, all the symbolism, all the foreshadowing --- it all comes around and ties together, it all makes sense. all these many, many parts come together in a whole --- and this is why i praise George so much. this is why i admire his writing so much. because, even if i am upset with some choices, it all makes sense. it all is fluid, coherent, so pleasing to read and to follow and so goddamn captivating.

          and then you look at s07 and especially s08... and you find nothing of this. where George does kill a lot of characters, he keeps the bulk of them and considers all of them --- and D&D simply kill them all off for not having any better use for them. where George writes intricate, complex, layered characters and 99% of them are purely made of grey areas and grey morals and so very few are completely good or completely evil --- and D&D turned them completely flat, shallow, predictable, cliché, borderline boring if not downright so. where George named this the world of ice and fire and makes it so that the big, overarching theme is flawed, very different humans trying to gather together to survive the common, legendary foe --- D&D were done with the Long Night in like 40 minutes, and the only thing dark about it was the terrible lighting that makes iconing ep3 a nightmare. and i could go on, but i think i’ve made my point. D&D haven’t the 10th of George’s talent --- and, hey, i can accept this. -i- don’t have the 10th of George’s talent for sure, and very few people in this world have the 10th of George’s talent when it comes to tying together such a huge, deep, complex plot. and i can live with this. i could live with predictable, cliché writing in s07, and still be able to enjoy it at least half the time. i wasn’t happy, but i was content.

          but s08? well. s08, the way i see it, was simply two things: 1) D&D trying to be George and trying to go for plot twists and trying to make a bittersweet ending of some sort... and then 2) D&D realizing they are as far from George as the Earth is from Pluto, and going fuck it we’ll resolve everything based on shock value. and i wish i was joking or exaggerating or being sarcastic --- but they have stated this themselves and are proud of it, apparently. you only have to google it and you’ll easily find it. these two gentlemen looked at, say, Daenerys, and asked themselves: we want her to be the mad queen in the end, what can we do to lead to this outcome? and they did it. it’s as simple and as linear as this. and literally everything and everyone, logic and common sense included, gets thrown under the rubble for the sake of making this happen. and this is why i have zero respect and zero credits for them, at the end of all things, even if i did love Jon’s finale when i look at it isolated from everything else.

because.

          yes, Jon Snow, the honorable man with a good, kind, merciful heart who does whatever needs to be done for the sake of his people, no matter the toll it takes on himself. check, this is the Jon i know and love. Jon Snow, not a glorified savior who succeeds where everyone else fails, not Azor Ahai reborn, but a tool, an instrument used to bring salvation --- Lightbringer itself. check, this is the Jon i know and love. Jon Snow, who was never destined for a happy ending, carrying the guilt and suffering the consequences of his decisions. check, this is the Jon i know and love. but what happened before this? what about everything that led him to this? 

          book!Jon and show!Jon were always different, this isn’t a new thing. even during seasons 1-5, where the show followed the book canon for the most part (at least in Jon’s case), they were already different. show!Jon has a lot more personal agency, in that he chooses to do a lot of the things he does --- while book!Jon tends to get sucked into the whole ordeal, and he tries to navigate it as well as he can. for an example: show!Jon offered himself to go with Qhorin Halfhand, book!Jon was chosen by Qhorin and caught by surprise and even lord commander Mormont was like ????. another example: show!Jon sends Grenn to hold the gate against Mag the Mighty and brings on himself the responsibility of commanding the Wall during the attack, book!Jon gets command imposed on him by Donal Noye and then again in the morning by master Aemon. again, i could go on and on, but i have made my point. regarding all this, while i do prefer book!Jon, i never hated show!Jon. some parts, even, like the battle at Hardhome, i honestly loved and i wish i could get that POV in the books.

          now, s06... post-revival. this is where the books-show rift happens for good, as they ran out of source material. very sincerely, i did not watch s06 as a whole --- i only watched Jon’s scenes. so if you ask me what was going on otherwise, i don’t know and i don’t really regret this choice. s06 Jon is a sort of limbo for me, because i cannot say if his portrayal was good or bad. clearly, this is when he starts making stupid decisions and being far more reckless, but... as mentioned, this is post-revival. this is a man who was stabbed in the heart by his own sworn brothers, who got wrenched back out of the grave, who immediately got told: hey you gotta keep fighting and you gotta start by going and reclaiming Winterfell and saving your little brother. given this context, can i judge him for not being himself? i can’t and i never did, which is why i accepted s06 (again, re: Jon Snow only) for what it was. and i was content with it, even if the revelation of his parentage for show!canon did not impress me.

          s07. this coincided with the birth and infancy of my blog, and honestly i was so excited to get to share this experience with everyone --- and this much was absolutely amazing. i was writing my Master’s thesis back then and i had a lot more free time, so i was able to stay up late and watch it live... and, boy, was that a ride. i had so much fun back then, and all of it thanks to my beautiful followers and friends who were there to live through this with me. but as far as the season itself went... yeah, that was the beginning of the end. because, unlike s06, Jon didn’t have excuses anymore to be stupid and reckless. and yet he still was. he still just grabbed a bunch of sturdy men and ventured into the fucking Frostfangs in the middle of winter without even bringing 1 (one) horse, just to name the most blatant of stupid examples. and the whole glorified superhero savior vibe? my good beans, i wrote a meta with 4000+ words to justify why that frozen lake scene was total bullshit and why Jon did die his second death there --- exactly out of spite for how much i hated it. how much i hated that D&D were turning the boy i love into a commercial protagonist who does the impossible and suffers no consequences and gets to have everyone else’s portrayal tossed under the wreck for the sake of glorifying him further. Rickon was already a plot device, Benjen Stark was a plot device, and i had the sinking feeling it would not stop there. s07 had bad and lazy writing, was terribly rushed and with very little character development, was pointing towards a very obvious and very cliché ending: Jon & Dany, the power couple, sitting the throne, having a baby, living happily ever after.

          and today... today i ask myself: how can you fuck up a plot so much, to the point where i wish i was made to see this cliché, predictable ending instead? i spent a year and a half whining about how much i did not want to see Jon sitting the throne... only to now look at the finale and be like --- sweet summer child, what did you know of fear. because, hey, yes, Jon was reborn from his ashes and Agony was cast aside and he got exactly the endgame i prayed for --- but at what cost? to get here, i had to see ALL the northern lords and half his family spitting on him for his decision to bend the knee. to get here, i had to see him literally say: it’s true, my name is Aegon Targayen. to get here, i had to see him avoiding Dany and not having the balls to talk to her about it until the very last moment. i had to see him plan the defenses of Winterfell like a complete stupid idiot who has no clue what he is doing. i had to see him forgetting Ghost is his soulmate. i was even deprived of the thing i love more in Kit’s acting, which is fighting on the ground --- for the sake of an epic dragon battle, yes, but that by rights he should not have survived. i was denied a one-on-one battle with the Night King, no matter who’d win and no matter who’d get to destroy the NK in the end. i got an epic moment of him roaring back at an undead dragon, yes, but what came in the next episodes got me to the point of headcanoning that he died during that moment. i had to see him not even mourn Edd’s death and going for Lyanna Mormont gods know why, who openly questioned and defied him. i had to see him being the by-the-book definition of a douchebag who sits drinking with friends and completely ignoring his girl who’d just lost one of her closest loved ones and was so clearly dissociating throughout that entire feast. i had to see him being described as so stupid that he obviously bent the knee for love and Dany was going to play him like a fiddle. i had to see him practically being made to choose between his family and the girl he loves. I HAD TO SEE HIM ABANDONING GHOST. i had to see him, again, pull away from Dany when she needed him most --- and, yes, in show!canon it is incest and all that, but you don’t have to fuck or kiss the girl you love to be there for her. i was denied, again, 1 (one) decent fighting scene on the ground because all he did at KL was to cut down a few soldiers with a few basic slashes.

          and, very frankly, what bothers and disgusts me the most out of all of this hellhole... i had to see character after character ruined, completely ruined in their essence, for the sake of stating: hey Jon Snow is a good guy! Rhaegal, who had to be butchered for the sake of triggering Dany and also because Dany and Jon and Tyrion were too stupid to remember Euron’s fleet still existed.  Missandei, who had to be butchered in chains for the sake of triggering Dany. Grey Worm, who had to be metaphorically butchered and turned into a blood-thirsty savage longing for blind revenge for the sake of Agony Targaryen, our lord and savior, being the merciful savior who claims pity for unarmed men. the women of King’s Landing, who had to be raped by northern soldiers, again for the sake of Agony being the good guy who saves one of them. and at the end of the day... Daenerys Targaryen. the little girl who wanted to go home and return to her house with a red door. who was exiled and sold and raped and harassed and humiliated and abused and betrayed and used and objectified. who made terrible choices more than once, yes and i erase none of them, but who made them with a good intention and who paid the price of said choices --- like Jon himself did, like we all, flawed human beings, do. the strong, willful, kind woman who heard Jon’s plea for help and went to save him and his men beyond the Wall and who lost one of her children for it. the queen who wanted to break the wheel and to make this world a better place. the breaker of shackles. Mhysa. she, who was never her father. reduced to this, for the sake of making Jon Snow the good honorable man who does his duty even at expense of his own interest and his own happiness.

          dear Mr. Daniel B. Weiss and dear Mr. David Benioff: do you know since when Jon Snow is a good honorable man who does his duty even at expense of his own interest and his own happiness? since always. since 283 AC. since far, far before you got your incompetent, untalented hands on him. and he never needed to be shown as one --- he was one. without the need to sacrifice 90% of the plot and the characters to make him seem so. he IS so. and this is why i’ll never forgive you, even if you did give me exactly the finale i wanted. because what you did to him, in order to bring him here? honestly, you deserve no redemption. ever. and if there is one thing that makes me extremely, utterly, earnestly happy today, it is that never again you will touch him. Jon Snow belongs to George, and he belongs to me, and he belongs to every beautiful talented roleplayer who writes him, and he belongs to every beautiful talented roleplayer who writes muses who interact with him. never to you, again. and for this i thank the old gods of the forest. today, Jon Snow is finally at rest. and, as of today, i can finally stop writing out of spite --- and return to writing because i love this boy.

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told + Chapter 33 Update

Hello everyone! First off, I am so, so, SO sorry for taking so long to update. I am about to put the finishing touches on Chapter 33, and if all goes according to plan, I should have it for you between March 7th-9th - just in time for Captain Marvel! Meow. This chapter is clocking in at OVER 30,000 WORDS, so although it has taken me an abysmally long time to complete it, I hope the length will make it somewhat worthwhile. 

And now for your Asks! These contain a spoiler for chapter 15 and some milder spoilers for some of the later chapters (30-32-ish). 

I understand this completely. I have problems with a lot of military fics because of their verisimilitude (or lack thereof). I will say in general that I have had a good deal of affiliation with military-related environments and individuals in my life and that I have done my research to the best of my abilities. Part of why I take so long to update is the immense amount of research I do. That said, as I mentioned at the beginning of the fic, sometimes I may stretch or alter the details (a platoon/fire team/company is not as small as I portray it, same with convoy sizes etc.) in order to make it easier for me to write. And I will just plain screw stuff up because I’m a person. But over all, the most important thing for me is to capture the themes of deployment, war, recovery, readjustment (or not), trauma, etc. and convey these things with realism. But I do try to get a lot of the details right, too. 

I hope a lot of this stuff rings true to you in the fic. I invite you and other uniformed personnel and veterans to DM me and let me know how I can make the details ring truer. I have shaped the work in other ways based on feedback and am willing to do it further, provided I don’t have a good reason for making things the way they are now. 

Yeah, I’m sorry I had to turn off anons because of the trolls. I’m glad you enjoyed the emotional catharsis for Steve here. He really needed to actually feel his emotions rather than turning everything into pain and puke. (BTW, meta note, I write a lot of vomit for some reason. I know it’s a large part of being a heavy drinker, because you just can’t drink that much and not puke a lot, and I wanted Steve to be a puker because I wanted to showcase a huge somatic reaction, but yeesh, what is UP with the all the puke? I hate vomit IRL, so much.)

And I am the worst queer in the world, as I was just told by a virtual stranger yesterday, because I have NOT seen A Star is Born yet. But I am going to watch it this week! I’m glad that it rang true with this depiction of addiction. Relapse is messy, and it happens on anniversaries - Oh, the anniversary relapse is a BIG thing in recovery. I’m excited to see the parallels now. Thank you for the rec!

I am actually TERRIBLE at recommending fic in the sense that I barely read any at all :(    I’m ruined for most fics these days because if it’s not profoundly, painfully realistic, I have trouble buying into it. I hate that I’m so picky now. I wish I had a bunch of great recs I’m holding out on, but if you’ve seen my bookmarks, you’ve seen many of the ones that stick out most for me. A lot of them are because I love the writing itself, which helps me get my creative wheels turning when I need to craft good prose. Sorry I can’t be more helpful.

But seriously, @praximeter​‘s The Night War: 60th Anniversary Edition FTW. It’s my all time favorite fic and one of the most excellent character studies - and one of the best studies in trauma - I’ve ever read. Talk about an unreliable narrator. And it raises some excellent questions about who we let fight and under what circumstances - how much do we use people in war, even if they’re clearly so compromised from trauma that they can barely function? You’ve got to REALLY read it, though. It’s not a lazy read. Highly recommended, though. Be prepared to have your guts torn out of your body and thrown on the floor and danced upon by Prax. It makes her Mask Fic look like a giggling prance through the daisies.

Yeah - I think the last chapter was exhausting and distressing and disheartening for many. And it was maybe a bit confusing, in regards to Bucky’s relapse. On one hand, he’s a hawt LITERAL mess. But on the other hand... this is not unexpected. This is part of recovery, especially for a lifelong alcoholic. He planned it. He took some steps to mitigate risk. He was not trying to off himself. He had a limit set. He just didn’t want to cope in healthy ways anymore and he made an informed adult choice to drink a fuckton of vodka for a week. Was it healthy? Good GOD, no. But he was doing it with an oddly sound mind, right? He tried other means of coping first. He gave it his best, and he decided to do this instead. And he cleaned up his mess after and put his clothes on and did the big boy thing and called his therapist. So even though it was awful and gross and sad, you could also look at it as a stark contrast from his Carle Place days. And he LOOKED AT HIS DICK...!!!!! HOLY SHIT. That is a feat 19 months in the making. And he did it sober. That in itself is impressive. 

But I can definitely see pain for a lot of people, and the exhaustion of this chapter, the OH GOD just STOP IT, here we go AGAIN. And that is how friends and families and loved ones of addicts can feel, and the addicts themselves! Tired. Just tired of the same old thing, over and over. But he also made a lot of objective progress in important ways. Even if it doesn’t feel like it because the progress is covered in old pizza crust and vomit and dildos (yes, even the BIG ONE). 

This is referring to Chapter 15, when Bucky was in the hospital after his surgeries, yes? I don’t think he needed a trach tube, actually. He had his weapon up to his face to aim at the enemy, so his neck/airway didn’t sustain any major injuries because his arms and rifle took the brunt of the shrapnel. His internal organs were spared from major injuries because of his body armor. He needed to have his collapsed lung decompressed in the field, but that was it. That might have been followed up with more drainage later at a field hospital. I figured his alveoli were ruptured from the IED blast wave, leading to the collapsed lung, which is usually treated with 100% oxygen, so no trach needed there. And when I researched other reasons why one would need a trach, I didn’t see anything that would really apply to him. So no trach for Bucky! You can spare him that little bit of misery in your imagination, if you WANT.

Haha, yes, the “enjoyed... I think?” parallels the “I’m glad... I think?” that I feel/write when people say they’re wrecked by the fic. I’m so glad this has encouraged you to do some research! I’d love to know what on. There are so many threads to chase. Just glance at the TAGS, my God. Choose your own adventure. Thank you for letting me know you’re enjoying and that it’s sparking your curiosity!

Ugh, I would love to say that I have a great schedule for updating planned, but as you can probably surmise, I am slow and unpredictable. My life has gotten much, much busier since I started writing this fic and my work far more draining, so both time and energy aren’t on my side these days. I don’t dare to promise an update on any kind of schedule because I just can’t say. I’m sorry. And you’re absolutely right - it’s because I want to deliver the best quality I can. And I’m also trying to give you huge meaty chapters, too. But I HOPE it won’t be another five months before the next update. I really do. The next chapter will probably be shorter, so that’ll help. I will really do my best. 

This is a GREAT question. I think it’s important to note that dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) - although originally designed for borderline personality disorder (BPD) - is trans-diagnostic treatment as a skills group. This means that it can be for anyone who needs help with regulating emotions and managing their relationships better. We don’t really know what Bucky’s diagnosis is. BUCKY doesn’t know what it is. All he knows is that Scott identified his functional life problems and thought the group would be a good fit. Bucky sure does have some BPD traits, but it’s also important to note that some of these traits can also be present in someone with a fuckton of trauma - especially from childhood. 

I set out to write someone with just a lot of trauma, really. Someone who had difficulties with regulating emotions as a core problem. Someone who used sex and booze and avoidance to manage everything. And also someone with a lot of attachment and intimacy and trust problems, which can really all look like BPD! And they can all look like developmental trauma! I wanted it to not be entirely clear what was going on, because that’s often how people appear in real life. We’re not quite sure what Scott makes of him, except that he sees he needs healthy skills DESPERATELY and wanted to get him in this group ASAP. (Good call, Scott!) 

Okay, everyone! Thank you so much for all the love and great questions!! I’ll be in touch in a couple weeks with more BW for you. Thank you for all of your support and patience <3

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #2

Hey People of Earth!

I recently started a new series on this blog (titled above), where I reflect on the last few books I’ve read. I’m doing this mostly to keep myself accountable because I’m notoriously bad at committing myself to reading. So far, reading has been far greater than it’s been in the past--I’m definitely getting into the rhythm of things. I read some amaaaazing books this time around (since approx. November), and these are them:

1. The Darkest Legacy by Alexandra Bracken

This is book four in The Darkest Minds series, and was just recently released (last summer). Whilst I’ve drifted from YA in the last few years, this series was such a huge favourite of mine when I was younger, and I thought I’d give this book a go for nostalgia’s sake. Also, I truly admire Alex as an author, and wanted to support her! Here’s the summary:

Five years after the destruction of the so-called rehabilitation camps that imprisoned her and countless other Psi kids, seventeen-year-old Suzume "Zu" Kimura has assumed the role of spokesperson for the interim government, fighting for the rights of Psi kids against a growing tide of misinformation and prejudice. But when she is accused of committing a horrifying act, she is forced to go on the run once more in order to stay alive. Determined to clear her name, Zu finds herself in an uncomfortable alliance with Roman and Priyanka, two mysterious Psi who could either help her prove her innocence or betray her before she gets the chance. But as they travel in search of safety and answers, and Zu grows closer to the people she knows she shouldn't trust, they uncover even darker things roiling beneath the veneer of the country's recovery. With her future-and the future of all Psi-on the line, Zu must use her powerful voice to fight back against forces that seek to drive the Psi into the shadows and save the friends who were once her protectors.

What drew me to it: Like I mentioned, its mother series was a mega favourite of mine in grade 8, and whilst I’ve grown out of YA, I was curious to see where the story went, five years in the future. I read about 60% of it on page, and listened to the rest on and of over the course of a few months. I started it in August, and finished it on New Year’s Eve. Not the fault of the book, that’s totally me being Very Bad at commitment. I’ve really enjoyed Alex’s novels in audiobook format, and this one was no exception (I think, if I were to read it again, I’d listen to the audiobook: it’s like listening to a television show!)

My rating: 3/5

Why: This is really due to the fact that I no longer am very interested in YA. In all truths, I got into YA early, and got out of it even earlier because apparently I am a sixty year old woman?? I started my journey with YA in grade seven, and it ended around the end of grade eight. After that, I had trouble finding YA books I could enjoy/relate to, not that the books were any less, or bad because of this, but because I was just an injustice to them (I’ve always been a strange reader). This is why I don’t really read YA anymore because I feel like I rate them unfairly because I’m not super big on the category anymore. It just (rightfully) didn’t give me what I’m most currently interested in in books (horrible people; horrible relationships; morally grey protagonists), because of course the category is different to what I read now! With that said, I think, if I’d read this book in my Peak YA Moment (grade 7-8), I’d definitely have given it a 5 star rating. It was super entertaining and funny and nostalgic, and made me miss a series so pivotal in my writing journey. If you love YA, and this series, I think this book is definitely worth the read! That was a thiccccc tangent. 

2. Past Lives, Future Bodies by Kristin Chang

This is a really quick poetry collection (that I spoiler: looooved). This is the summary:

PAST LIVES, FUTURE BODIES is a knife-sharp and nimble examination of migration, motherhood, and the malignant legacies of racism. In this collection, family forms both a unit of survival and a framework for history, agency, and recovery. Chang undertakes a visceral exploration of the historical and unfolding paths of lineage and what it means to haunt body and country. These poems traverse not only the circularity of trauma but the promise of regeneration—what grows from violence and hatches from healing—as Chang embodies each of her ghosts and invites the specter to speak. 

What drew me to it: @shaelinwrites rec’d it to me on my last update, and I fell in love with the premise. I’m *cheap* so was very excited to be gifted it by my Grandma for Christmas. (I actually read it on Christmas!)

My rating: 5/5

Why: Kristin Chang is literally so skilled with her use of the line break? I was shook? This is my second collection of poetry that I’ve read, following (no shade) Rupi Kaur’s The Sun and Her Flowers, which, I felt kinda made the line break feel gimmicky? So this collection definitely reinvented it for me. Her poems are so punchy, and thoughtful, and you can truly feel the experience built into the backbone of every one of them. When I panic wrote some poetry for my writing class, I used it as comfort reference and was amazed at how deliberate she is with her words. I also found so much of its commentary on race so relatable. It’s definitely a collection I’ll keep re-reading. I’d recommend this if, like me, you’re just starting out in poetry--a perfect way to acclimate yourself to a new form!

3. God of Shadows by Lorna Crozier

*Rachel vigorously trying to diversify her reading.* The summary:

The poet Lorna Crozier has always been brilliant at fusing the ordinary with the other-worldly in strange and surprising ways. Now the Governor General's Literary Award-winning author of Inventing the Hawk returns with God of Shadows, a wryly wise book that offers a polytheistic gallery of the gods we never knew existed and didn't know we needed. To read these poems is to be ready to offer your own prayers to the god of shadows, the god of quirks, and the god of vacant houses. Sing new votive hymns to the gods of horses, birds, cats, rats, and insects. And give thanks at the altars of the gods of doubt, guilt, and forgetting. What life-affirming questions have these deities come to ask? Perhaps it is simply this: How can poems be at once so profound, original and lively, and also so much fun?

What drew me to it: At this point I’m just stalking @shaelinwrites​’ Goodreads because her reading taste is on pointttt. I’ve also been dying to read more poetry, and branch out into different forms of writing, so I can be a little *prepared* for school, so I thought I’d take a peek at this collection. 

My rating: 5/5

Why: This collection is so beautiful! I read it super quickly, and fell in love with the concept immediately. I think Crozier explored such unique ideas with super unique language, and I live for it. This collection gave me perspective on ‘gods’ I’d never even thought about. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re looking into reading some prose poetry!

4. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

I finished this book today, and now have trust issues and feel like I’m in a constant state of wanting to cry. Here’s the summary:

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life?

It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes.

The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality.

A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.

What drew me to it: I actually don’t know?? I put it on hold at my library in October, and was loaned it in January (looooong waitlist). So I can’t remember why I wanted to read it, probably because 1969 was in the premise lmao. I actually completely forgot about placing a hold on it because it’d been two months, so by the time I got the email notification, I’d forgotten what it was about. Oftentimes, I’m Bad, and leave my loans for weeks, forgetting about them, but I was intrigued by seeing I’d received this loan because I couldn’t remember placing it/why I placed it. I quickly re-read the summary, and immediately started reading because it reminded me a lot of the Haunting of Hill House sibling dynamic, and I was on board!

My rating: 5/5 stars soaked in all my tears

Why: This book is SO good, I literally can’t think about it too much because I will cry, lol. I’m not one to get emotional over books, but this book touched me in a place I didn’t know existed?? Like I didn’t know I had emotions before reading this book?? Apparently I do?? It also left me feeling stunned with a whole bucket of life lessons, and similarly to getting emotional, I’m not a reader to really take away a whole new worldview after reading something, but this book was like NOPE, here’s some THOUGHTS. I think I might’ve loved it so much because the four siblings it follows remind me a lot of my siblings (tag yourself I’m Klara, @sarahkelsiwrites is Varya). I too am a sibling of four with a similar composition to the novel’s (two boys, two girls), so the actual heartbreak of realizing that one day, there ain’t always gonna be four of us struck me so hard I was not prepared?? The characters are BEAUTIFUL, and my heart aches so much after finishing this, I almost don’t know what to do with myself... If you liked the sibling dynamic in the Haunting of Hill House (me!!), you’ll probably dig this book. Benjamin’s writing is also gorgeous; straightforward, but so detailed and lush at the same time. I don’t often see books in third present, so this was a delight for me to read. Also: I’m no expert on any of the topics in this book, but to me, a Fool, this book felt so well researched? This isn’t something I ever notice in books, but it surprisingly really added to the reading experience. 

TL;DR: I’m literally an emotional wreck because of this book and have a whole new perspective on life, if you too want to be an emotional wreck, defs join in on the fUN.

So that’s it for this reading update! All of these books in this update were wonderful! Making me antsy to read more for sure! I’m currently attempting to read more short story collections, so if anyone has recs, hit me up! ‘Scuse me while I go sob!

--Rachel

[buttonpanels]

Jonathan Hickman will be taking on the X-Men in July with two miniseries: House of X and Powers of X. There is rampant speculation on what these two series will entail, in no small part due to the ominous tone of the House of X promotional image and the mish-mash, different character designs present on the Powers of X image. But whatever they are, it’s clear that Marvel are putting their eggs into the HiX-Men basket.

This comes hot off the heels of Marvel’s relatively recent relaunch of Uncanny X-Men that came in the form of “X-Men Disassembled”, a story that I dissected due to how much I loathed it. That storyline led into the currently ongoing Age of X-Man event, which is better than “X-Men Disassembled” based on the few issues of it I read. Then Marvel streamlined the creative team of Uncanny X-Men to Matthew Rosenberg and Salvador Larocca, in a run that’s largely been a rehash of the 2000s with some superficial 90s nostalgia for good measure.

So all of that seems like it’s not going to be too relevant in a few months as Hickman does what Hickman does and reinvents the X-Men. Marvel are even promoting it as a shakeup on the level of Giant-Size X-Men or New X-Men, which is certainly a brave comparison to welcome. And… I am okay with this. Really. Hickman is just what the X-Men need, and read on below so I can explain why.

“Epic” is a word that’s often overused… not with Hickman.

  “We Have to Get Bigger”

One of Jonathan Hickman’s greatest strengths as a writer is the scope of his stories. They frequently encompass entire planets, at the very least, while still being grounded in human emotion. “Solve Everything” is a story about the multiversal Council of Reeds uniting to stave off annihilation at the hands of the Celestials, but at its core is a story about Reed Richards’ affirmation of his humanity, and his choice between logic and emotion; his work and his family. The scope lends itself to giving grandeur to Reed’s decisions and personal journey, giving it an almost mythical quality, while also just giving the story an epic scope in and of itself that makes it feel important.

This is what the X-Men sorely need. The X-Men, for the longest time, have lacked that scope. Even when they were staving off toxic death clouds and waging war with the Inhumans, the scope was lacking. It all felt like just another scuffle, just another fight. It truly feels like no writer, not since the conclusion of the rightfully maligned Avengers vs. X-Men, knew how to tell big mutant stories anymore. Sometimes it was the writer not knowing how to write these stories, other times it was the prose, and sometimes it was even the art just not having that blockbuster quality. Regardless, it never seemed to take. While Marvel’s Merry Mutants have told some amazing stories that are smaller in scope, the weight that superhero comics can carry through how larger than life they are is sorely lacking. It’s time the X-Men left that little corner and went big again, truly providing an epic that the superhero genre allows.

Hickman is my captain!

“There Was an Idea…”

Something that so many X-Men stories have lacked in the past few years is a theme. While some can be boiled down to “survival” or “prejudice”, none of the X-Men comics of recent memory can say they had anything to say beyond the obvious. It was always some unsubtle jab at bigotry that felt like surface level storytelling. In contrast, Jonathan Hickman was able to seamlessly incorporate themes of parenting, hope and revenge into his Marvel work, in ways that were almost never explicit but nonetheless resonant with readers. Each of these was present throughout at least two of his Marvel works, and the grand tapestry of it all made it all the better when he actually did give pay off to it all.

The X-Men, in steep contrast, are currently in a run that seems to think opening every issue with black and a single quote is enough. It’s lazy and means nothing. It makes the story appear like it has a deeper meaning. Looking back on the X-Men runs of the last few years, what strong thematic underpinning can you actually see and was it well executed? I don’t think so. Hickman can do this. It’s one of the strengths that, although sometimes causing some very purple prose, makes these stories feel like cohesive narratives that have a point.

No snark, I just really loved this story and what it did for Reed.

“All Men Are Transformed over Time”

When it comes to character development, mainstream superhero comics tend to be very stagnant or cyclical. Johnny Storm has learned to be mature more times than I can remember, to the point that it’s his go-to character arc. While Jonathan Hickman also played into that, and it didn’t stick because no one knows what else to do with Johnny, his work with Reed has had lasting effects on the character. Reed’s reaffirmation of his humanity has never been undone; he’s never become as detached as at times he used to be. Nick Fury, until it was undone in order to basically kill the character in Jason Aaron’s Original Sin, questioned his life in Hickman’s Secret Warriors before finding peace with himself by retiring for good and letting the world move on. While some of Hickman’s work was undone by subsequent writers, Hickman himself has a keen eye for potential character development, telling intricate stories grounded in human emotion.

When you think of the X-Men, you think of the popular character dynamics. Wolverine and Cyclops are at each other’s throats, Iceman is immature, Angel has his constant battle with Archangel, etc. While there’s something to be said for the enduring nature of the characters, it’s all old hat — and some of it was even brought back recently, in the case of Archangel. Big events barely change X-Men characters anymore; Wolverine coming back from the dead should’ve meant something to him, but he’s just the same old Logan. If given a long run, I can see Hickman actually going something with these characters, allowing them to grow beyond the roles they’ve been stuck in for what feels like decades.

We’ll ignore how a redeemed Doom was wasted by subsequent writers.

“Because It’s What’s Next”

Connected with the above, something the X-Men need is a new status quo. Beyond just characters, mutants need to be… something else. We’ve had the X-Men as teachers, the X-Men as a company, the X-Men as rebels, the X-Men as celebrities, and it feels like we’re now just cycling through them all. Say what you want about Jonathan Hickman, but the man can reinvent status quos. When he came onto Fantastic Four, nobody could’ve dreamed of how he’d emphasise the “fantastic” so much and create a think tank in the Future Foundation. When Hickman began his Avengers run, he turned the superhero team into a space faring army and mechanism. The Illuminati went from a group of powerful men going on generic superhero adventures to a group that traversed the multiverse and fought off parallel Earths.

The X-Men have enjoyed some popular status quos. I hold a special place in my heart for the X-Men as teachers, since that’s what was emphasised during New X-Men: Academy X. I think Bendis’ rebellious, underground take on the X-Men could’ve been better explored. But it’s time to move on, to really give the X-Men something new. The endless cycle of extinction, the flip flop of persecution, it’s played out. It’s old hat and anything new that Hickman does, I’ll embrace with open arms. Whether that be high concept sci-fi, multiverse nonsense or something else, House of X and Powers of X has something going for them already — they feel different from what we’ve been getting for the last decade. The X-Men have so much potential, let’s allow Hickman to explore it.

With Marvel putting their eggs into the HiX-Men basket, I decided to talk about why Jonathan Hickman is pretty much exactly what the X-Men as a franchise need right now. Jonathan Hickman will be taking on the X-Men in July with two miniseries: House of X…

[kakarmasobessioncorner]

Rambling time! More on the ancients and their caretakers, or to be more precise about each one individually. A few are OCs I have ideas of, and ideas for a story with. They will be obvious. The name in brackets is their Ghost name, and the other is their chosen ‘human’ names. Taken for when they need to go to the human realm and blend in. Gotta love how helpful baby naming sites are, ones that can be looked though by meanings.

A lot of this has to do with a thing I’m writing. So I’d love to hear what you think of the base ideas!

They will be done in order of their Caretaker’s ages. 

The elements and their caretakers in general

A caretaker can communicate with their own element, but not the others. However the elements can translate each other to their caretakers if they need to.

They aren’t controlled by their caretakers, they are their own beings and thus do occasionally mess with their caretakers. Just because they are ancient and incredibly powerful doesn’t mean they have to act it.

They never had to disclose their caretakers, and for the longest time no one knew about Pandora since hope kept rather quite about finding and choosing the young human woman until she died.

They grown and change as time passes to remain attuned to what they must do. Such as Creation becoming more fit to be called Dreams. Since with the world mostly formed and now in a state of maintenance, it needed to create things from scratch less and began creating goals, wants and potentials  for the creatures instead. Making their dreams.

The elements can’t be destroyed. Only changed.  However their caretakers can be ‘destroyed’ in the sense that who they were is mostly gone though so much damage they have to reform from scratch with no memories. This has only happened once before.

Not all the caretakers are known to the Spirit Realm. It’s common knowledge that Prophet, Vito, Lady Muerte, and Clockwork are caretakers, however they don’t know the others are. Notcturne is reclusive and little is known about him around the zone, Pandora is known to be powerful but no one knows a Ghost could be a caretaker, and GW and SD are thought to be ghosts when they are spirits and thus no one suspects them either.

Fate and it’s keeper, Cecil Tiresias. (Prophet)

Cecil is blind, but can see beyond normal sight to do his job.

Has no patience for people who won’t accept the obvious. 

Is otherwise very calm and kind. 

Reclusive. 

Fate’s direct mutation core type is Crystal. and this is where the use of crystal for seeing important events in the future came from.

Weak Point is his eyes made of foggy crystal balls. If attacked they can be cracked and it takes him out until they mend. 

Cecil is a name that means Blind, and Tiresias comes from greek mythology where Tiresias was a blind prophet of Thebes. 

Human form looks like a young boy, blind and pale like he never seen sunlight before. 

 Life and it’s keeper, Chayan Thanasis. (Vito)

Chayan is a slightly sadistic person. He says this is because he believes life can only truly be enjoyed with a little suffering to make the joy stronger. 

Vito means life, as does Chayan. While Thanasis is a commonly shortened form of ‘Athanasios’ which is a Greek name that means immortal.

Life is slightly bitter over the fact it only got domain over one of the three halfas. Since being half alive and half dead they had a 50/50 chance over whether they’d be under it or Death’s domains. It got Vlad.

Healthy young animals, pregnant creatures, and children find life, it’s keeper, and the one halfa under it’s domain very comforting. Calm in their presence and very agreeable. 

Dying creatures find them almost sickening.

Weakness is poisons, they won’t kill life or it’s caretaker, but the strong ones will weaken them a lot. 

 Death and it’s keeper, Morrigan Menahem. (Lady Muerte)

Morrigan is a very forgiving woman. 

Her name Morrigan is ‘derived from Irish Mór Ríoghain meaning "great queen". In Irish myth she was a goddess of war and death who often took the form of a crow.’ and Menahem apparently comes from a hebrew word meaning "the consoler" or "comforter".  Chosen for how she is a calm spirit whom does what she can to comfort newly departed souls how she can. 

She got domain over two of the three halfas. Danny and Danni. 

Healthy living creatures find her presence very unnerving and always flee her if able. Even humans feel the need to avoid her unless they are mediums, dying, or just accustomed to her. Dying creatures find her, and the two halfas in her domain, very comforting to be around.

Weakness is the antidotes to strong poisons that act much like poisons do to Life.  

Inspiration and it’s keepers, Andrew Riter (Ghost Writer) and Dumi Ellyda (Spirit Dancer) 

GW’s name was inspired by ibelieveinahappilyeverafter’s stories on fanfiction.net. I’m not a shipper of Iambic Prose really, but I enjoy their writing of it. I absolutely recommend going and checking them out. A lot of the ancient energy ideas I had were really undeveloped and nothing I felt I could write,but some of their writing helped encourage and even build these ideas up.

Dumi means 'the inspirer’ and Ellyda means ‘Small winged one’ and I chose Ellyda for it’s energetic sounding nature and how her being the performance muse it seems fitting since she’s light on her feet.

They caretakers are not siblings. they were just both chosen by Inspiration for different reasons. 

GW has a brother who is not a caretaker but very powerful in his own right named Randy seriously go read @Ibelieverinahappilyeverafter ‘s writing.

SD changes appearance a lot for parties, blending in, performing, and just plain having fun.

Her natural form looks kinda like a cross of Olivia from Fire Emblem Awakening and the muse with the long down hair from the cartoon Hercules movie. Y’know the muses that sung Gospel Truth. Tho I recommend this one the RL models are great.

SD is weak to places that muffle sounds, and GW has problems with things that don’t rhyme. 

SD can make her ecto-signature invisible to even the strongest sensors as long as she doesn’t use powers other than cloaking. 

Creation and it’s keeper, Morpheus Dremurr (Nocturne)

His lair is not a physical one like other spirits and ghosts. Rather the physical entrance leads to a bedroom with several bunk beds (for guests) and one king’s size poster bed. You fall asleep in there and enter the dream Realm.

Was asked by Clockwork to mess with Danny and really meant no harm by it. Clock work never gave a clear reason as to why it was needed but he trusts his judgement. 

Had fun acting the villain though. Something really fun about playing a bad guy. 

Only gets energy from good dreams and before going dormant for a long time after Pyrah Dark was sealed, he’d go out and travel the human realm to banish kid’s nightmares when he could and harvest energy. 

He helped make the coffin of sleep, but it took a lot out of him.

Often ends up having to go to the Clock Tower to make Clockwork at least take a nap. 

Pandora gave him a stuffed ram as a joke one year when it was well known that they were ‘mandatory for a goods night rest’ and he actually came to love it. Though if anyone questions it he tells a story about stuffed animals

Still has the ability to create land and spaces out of nothing, but doesn’t do much anymore.

Weakness is dream catchers, that weakens his powers. 

Time and it’s keeper, Horace Hidiyah. (Clockwork)

Here it comes I have a lot of ideas for him.

Horace means Timekeeper, and Hidiyah means ‘guide to righteousness’.

Is the only caretaker who wasn’t picked like the others. He was made for the job.

Time is a picky, chaotic, and (to those with a closed mind like the Observants) dangerously unpredictable.

In reality Time can always be trusted to try and aim for the path of the greater good even if it looks like the worse path at the time. 

Clockwork doesn’t hate the observants, just is more annoyed with them for not trusting that he, the one able to see far more than they could, didn’t know what he was doing.  The reason they don’t he doesn’t know. However time does know it’s because they worry he’d let his emotions effect his choices, since he has far stronger emotions than he was supposed to when he was made. They didn’t want care or love to get in the way of doing what had to be done... they pushed almost all those emotions away long ago to do their job.

Can hold one age for a while, but shifting is something he got used to and finds being so in touch with time that he moves with it so much to be comforting.

Time does like to play tricks or mischief on it’s keeper, and one way is to send his powers out of wack, sticking him in one age form and with limited powers to be babysat by one of the others. It’s for Clockwork’s own good, but it has fun with his frustration and embarrassment too. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s almost always his child form he’s stuck in.

Has a slight lisp (well that’t cannon but needs reminding) 

Had a lot of fun playing the bad guy when he and Danny first met.

Picked up baking from Pandora and kept it up seeing that it would be useful. 

Puts off resting as long as possible to keep working. Nocturne has taken it upon himself to visit and make sure he doesn’t pass out. It leads to bad situations for time.

Feels he has basically adopted the Phantoms and takes the responsibility very seriously. Especially after Danny’s future was made to be his responsibility. 

Asked Nocturne to pick a fight with Danny knowing that he wouldn’t actually hurt him, and that Danny needed to stay on his toes because something big was coming.

Also as revenge for how often Nocturne shows up to pester him into sleeping. He knew the chances of him standing even the slightest chance against Danny was almost nil even with all the dream powers. 

Hope and it’s keeper, Pandora Anesidora.

Pandora is the only ghost caretaker.

It was her idea for the others to pick out names that would fit in better with humans, rather than the names they used in the Spirit Realm. 

As such she is the only one without a ‘ghost name’ since she just uses her birth name.

I got her last name from her myth, since it’s apparently an alternate name for her. 

tried to keep up with the knowledge of the Human realm, but in order to keep guard of her box doesn’t get to go out much. 

Only one that has a hard time taking a human appearance without the help of some artifact due to once being human herself.

Sees Nocturne and Clockwork as younger siblings ever since she watched on in amusement as they bickered like children over something silly and she needed to step in to break them apart... the first time.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Identity ask. Thank you for the prompts! :D

1. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

This is a cool question! I don’t know that anyone can fully understand another individual through the media they consume, but it would allow you to be well-acquainted with their interests and some aspects of their personality, emotions, thoughts, memories, inspirations, and beliefs! Stories we hold very dear to our heart, as they can inspire and influence us greatly. There is nothing like story to breathe life into us, after all. I’m only going to try to pick a few stories in each category. For me I’d say...

Read: The Wheel of Time (Robert Jordan), The Bible, Fahrenheit 451 (Ray Bradbury), The Daystar Voyages (Gilbert Morris) Watch/Play: Mass Effect series, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, The Lord of the Rings (Peter Jackson), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Wars Listen: Beethoven’s Symphony No. 7, Dvořák’s Symphonies No. 8 and 9, Falling Up (especially Captiva and Dawn Escapes), Relient K, Celtic folk music, folk metal, Western classical music, Mongolian folk music

2. Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

In real life, I had a high school friend who wrote very differently than me - whereas I can tend to be too flowery and expressive, they were the opposite: very blunt. But our writing process, critical thinking, and interest in various writing elements were almost the same. This person was The Ideal (TM) writing partner I could ever meet. We were able to read one another’s work and literally edit and write comments for every half sentence we read; we were so thorough editing one another’s creative work to the point we would FILL the page with our handwriting. And we always appreciated every bit of the feedback, as we knew exactly what sorts of feedback the other wanted/needed!

As far as authors who think just like me... I think the closest I’ve gotten is how Mac Walters handled Mass Effect 3. I was able to realize how closely the game writers hit at the things I adore in my own writing: attentive focus to not only the overarching main story, but every individual character arc; foreshadowing and things coming around again; emotional extremes from howling laughter to sobbing; lots of tragic events occurring in high-stakes settings; a sense that No Character Is Safe; world building care; characterization and memorable character elements. Obviously, no two human beings write exactly the same, but I was struck with how there are a lot of similarities of focus and desired implementation.

Beyond that, lots of authors were my models when I was growing up and developing my writing skills. So it’s hard to say they write like me... moreso that I over the years got inspired to write some like them. Ray Bradbury’s poetic prose; Robin McKinley’s refined language; J.R.R. Tolkien’s world building; Hiromu Arakawa’s incredible characters, emotions, and narrative structure... all of those have been influences to me. But I’m not so cocky as to say we write like one another. And we don’t. I just had people like these as my influences. I retain my own style and interests, but they were formative in getting me inspired and thinking through how I wanted my own writing to develop.

4. Do you like your name? Is there another name you think would fit you better?

I do like my birth name. My birth name means “Pure” or “Pure One.” Growing up, I always used it as a means of trying to encourage myself to lead a better life... I wouldn’t be able to completely live up to a name like “pure” because no one is pure, but I was going to motivate myself to try to make pure choices. I don’t think I’m in the pure category anymore, haha, but my birth name is cool. Lately, though, I’ve felt slightly less attached to it. So many people call me “Haddock” url and irl that I tend to think of myself as that name first! But I’m hoping to reacquaint myself with my own name now and get used to it again. XD

7. Do you care about your ethnicity?

Ethnicity envelops the idea of a social group sharing cultural heritage. My family is largely Scandinavian in background, and while we did move to the United States a few generations ago, there are definitely still aspects to my family that retain our cultural heritage, from cooking food like lefse, to decorating our homes with certain art styles, to being Protestant Christian with a tendency toward the Lutheran denomination, to listening to certain types of music. My family’s heritage isn’t central to how I think about myself, but I do like to celebrate the positive aspects that my family heritage has brought to my life. So I don’t deeply care about my ethnicity, and peoples from around the world have amazing culture that I’m always interested to learn more about and experience with the proper invitations, but I’m happy for some of the experiences that family heritage has brought me. Also, haha, HTTYD nerds, this means I’m a Viking, right? ;)

16. If you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

How we grow always depends upon a combination of nature and nurture. There would be some elements to me that’d be a little different, other elements to me that’d be the same. I think that regardless of the environment, I’d always be a very creative and imaginative person, with a love for story and music. But I’m very sure I’d be a little more/less optimistic, a little more/less bitter, a little more/less motivated, depending upon my environment. The environment I was in made me focus a lot on personal achievement, meaning that I spent a lot of time and attention in academia and extracurriculars... but I could imagine in other environments that might change? Who knows. I know I’d be creative regardless though.

20. Would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

If I could live in Middle Earth in the Shire with Hobbits during a peaceful era, that’d be great. But Middle Earth has a tendency to be filled with unrest and violence. I think I’d prefer Narnia over Middle Earth for that reason alone - a little more chance to have good times, there! Though... I’m too old to be in Narnia... so.... let’s just vote that we get an Alliance or Starfleet or something together and I can go off to space? ;) Space sounds good!

24. Have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?

My friends and I jokingly say, “Mind meld!” when we’re thinking the same things. That’s a little different than an actual Vulcan mind meld though. I wouldn’t say I had an experience like that, but there was someone in high school that I knew so well and who was so special to me that it was unbelievable how well we could work together and how well we could understand each other. That’s probably the closest I’ve gotten.

30. Pick one of your favorite quotes.

I got asked this twice so I’ll grab two favorite quotes!

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

“For a Hero cannot triumph all the time. Sometimes he will be defeated, and how he faces that defeat is a test of his character.” - Cressida Cowell, How to Steal a Dragon’s Sword