#I do not remember the last time I posted fic not after 10:00 pm

[apple-grass-and-smiles]

Official Summary: Lucy has found herself at the LAPD shooting range repeatedly since the break-up. It’s the only place left in this world where she can process what happened, if she can forgive Tim, and if she has any chance of ever surviving this. (The odds don’t seem great.)

Set around 6x08.

Unofficial Summary: Listen, I think Lucy should have been allowed to be really angry about the breakup instead of holding it together because she knows how to manage her emotions. I think she should be allowed to kind of want to steal Tim's truck and burn down his house.

[fairestcat]

We Did The Thing: Musings On the AO3, Wiscon, and Winning the Fandom Culture Wars

HOLY SHIT WE WON A MOTHERFUCKING HUGO.

Ahem.

More seriously - or at least more verbosely - I think we won the fandom culture wars. How weird is that?

This is a sort of rambly post. It's about the OTW and the AO3, but it's also about Wiscon, because that's the community I'm in where old-school SFF fandom and transformative works fandom collide, and it's where I've watched this transformation happen over the last decade.

Back in October I made a tumblr post about the history of the OTW/AO3: On the AO3 all these years later.

That post is mostly just quotes from the comments to @astolat's original post that started the AO3: An Archive Of One's Own - and quotes from the post I made back then linking to hers:  An Archive of One's Own, Or: Why Shouldn't We Ask For Everything We Want?

Those posts are from May 2007. I was on the OTW Finance Committee by that fall.

One year later, in May 2008, I went to my first Wiscon. I was on two panels: "Fanfic and Slash 201," and "Fanfic Rising: The Organization for Transformative Works."

They were back to back on Saturday night. "Fanfic and Slash 201" from 9:00 to 10:15 and the OTW panel from 10:30 to 11:45. All fanworks panels at non fanworks-specific cons were late night panels back then. Or, occasionally, on Monday morning after half the con had gone home.

I don't remember who else was on the Fanfic 201 panel, but the OTW panel was me, @oliviacirce and ellen_fremedon. The three of us had never met before that con. @oliviacirce and I had been in Chicago Friday night for a Panic! At the Disco concert and hadn't gotten back to Madison until 3am. I have no idea how we were even still coherent for a 10:30 PM panel.

None of us wrote the panel description, which reads even more impressively antagonistic in retrospect.

"The Organization for Transformative Works (OTW), led by fanfic writers, fan vidders, and fan artists (including writer Naomi Novik) seeks to establish a new regime in copyright law, in which 'all fannish works are recognized as legal and transformative and are accepted as a legitimate creative activity.' Should there be an exception for fanfic under copyright? Is OTW a good idea? (Some fans are afraid that OTW's activities will end BigMedia's tolerance for fannish creations.) What does the law say? What's the viewpoint of those who create original works -- should authors lose control of their original creations, as long as fans claim protection under a fanfic exception? And what about OTW's commitment to offer protection for RPF (Real People Fanfic)?"

At the time I would have said it was a pretty good panel, and yet we spent a distressing percentage of the panel defending the mere right of fanworks to even exist.

I went back to Wiscon in 2009, which was an...eventful year. It was the first Wiscon post-Racefail and it sparked a lot of discussion of intersecting modes of fannishness and particularly online fandom vs. offline con-based fandom, which was at the time a much bigger divide.

Wiscon 2009 was also the year @ellen_fremedon went to a panel on historical fiction, and got jumped on by Ellen Klages, who was one of that year's Guests of Honor, for the sin of mentioning fanfic in her presence.

After that Wiscon I posted Wiscon, Media Fandom and The Larger Fannish Conversation, about my experience of that divide, particularly as a transformative works fan at Wiscon.

Here's the thing: online media and fanfic fandom is a vibrant, active community within broader SF fandom. [...] And to a large extent media fandom is where the young female fans are, the women who are the future of fandom. We're there at Wiscon too; I was amazed by the number of people from LJ fandom I saw at the con this year. And yet, when it comes to having a voice in larger fandom, we're still the embarrassing cousin shuffled off into the corner (or the hotel lobby). Even at Wiscon, the feminist science fiction convention, we're mostly under the radar, carving out a tiny niche for ourselves.

Last year we had two general, broad-topic fanfic panels. This year we had a fanfic panel, a vidding panel and the media vs. book fandom panel, which was not explicitly a media fandom panel but had an audience heavily weighted towards media fandom participants. And I walked into those panels and I thought "Here! Here are my people!" But it was frustrating too. Why are we relegated to the corner, why are we willing to be relegated to the corner? The conversations we're having, the things we're doing, they don't exist in a vacuum, they're relevant to the larger fannish conversation, they're especially relevant, I think, to the conversation going on at Wiscon. And I think it's time we were a bigger, more open part of that conversation.

So, we set out to make that happen. The OTW and the AO3 were a big part of that. Everyone who was worried at the time that the OTW would bring too much attention to fandom was right to be afraid. And wrong to be afraid too. Because that attention was how everything started to change. The OTW was fandom coming out of the closet, and like any coming out it was a powerful, transformative moment for those involved.

In 2010, a group of fans held the first ever Wiscon Vid Party. 

At Wiscon in 2010, we held the first ever vid party in one of these hospitality suites on the Saturday night, from 9pm to 3am. That's six hours of vid programming! It was mostly unthemed, other than "here are some amazing vids!"[...] The general vibe of the party was loud, a little bit raucous, and pretty informal. We had a mixture of sofas and armchairs, stackable seating, and standing room. People came and went at will. We put a sign on the door asking people to keep conversations to a minimum, and it worked pretty well to keep chatter down while still allowing people to relax and have a good time. It was pretty much like a really big living room.

I missed that con due to the whole move to Canada and get married thing I did, but I remember my first Vid Party in 2012, looking around the party room and having this amazing feeling of being surrounded by my people.

I loved Wiscon, but it was always a fraught experience. There was always this worry that I'd say the wrong thing in the wrong place and suddenly get that disappointed, "oh, you're one of those fans," response. The vid party was the one place at the con that you could just walk in and that worry went away.

And then there started being more of those places. We started suggesting more and more fic and vid related panels.

In 2012, @oliviacirce and I were both on two transformative works panels. "What makes a great transformative work?" and "Fans Fix SF." In a step up from previous fanworks panels at Wiscon they were both during the day. But they were also both in the smallest panel rooms at the con, and both panels fit comfortably into those rooms. Conference 5, where "Fans Fix SF" was held, is still the only room Wiscon uses for programming that's so small it isn't wired for microphones.

And then in 2013 I suggested ten panels for Wiscon and nine of them ended up on the schedule. They weren't all explicitly transformative fandom panels, but a lot of them were, and most of the panel descriptions were informed by my experience in transformative works fandom. Looking back, that was a sea-change moment, because an interesting thing happened. There mostly stopped being transformative fandom-specific panels at Wiscon, because it started being okay, even expected, that fanfic and other transformative works might come up on any panel, from the audience or the panelists.

At Wiscon 2018, I went to a panel on #OwnVoices fiction. Every panelist was a published author and/or professional editor. In the course of the panel, every panelist mentioned fanfic in general or the AO3 in specific in an explicitly complementary fashion. I nearly burst into tears in the back of the panel room.

Afterwards, I met up with @oliviacirce and ellen_fremedon to flail about it, at which point we realized that it had been ten years since that first fateful OTW panel where we all met. And that ten years both felt like so long ago, and also so recent for everything to have changed so completely.

At Wiscon 2019, the three of us were on another panel together. We called it "Fanfic: Threat or Menace - Ten Years Later," and this time I wrote the description:

Do you remember a time before the AO3? Do you remember a time when mentioning fanfic at Wiscon risked a lecture on its illegality and/or immorality? We sure do! In 2008 we met on the panel “Fanfic Rising: The Organization for Transformative Works,” & spent most of our time defending the right of fanworks to exist. In 2018 we were amazed to realize just how much had changed. Let’s talk about how the perception & reception of fanworks have changed, both in fandom at large and right here at Wiscon.

We made it onto the schedule. They once again put us in the smallest panel room. We looked around the lobby on Thursday night and said, "yeah, that ain't happening." We eventually moved to one of the largest panel rooms.

It was almost completely full.

I started the panel by reading out the original panel description from 2008. There was laughter! revolutionaryjo came up afterwards and asked to take a picture of the description on my phone. There were so many people in that room who had no idea what the Wiscon of a decade previous had been like. It was amazing.

Best Related Work? The OTW and AO3 changed the nature of the relationship between fic readers and writers and the entirety of mainstream organized SFF fandom.

The Wiscon Vid Party is still happening, and it's still a marathon of amazing vids, but it's not a really big living room anymore. The Vid Party is the Friday night feature in the biggest panel room. There are Premieres. There’s a sing-a-long. People come who have never watched a vid outside of Wiscon. People come who've never even heard of vids outside of Wiscon. The first year the Vid Party was in the big room, I walked into the room just before the show started, looked around, and realized I didn't recognize ⅔ of the people in the room. And I was so happy. Because I no longer need the Vid Party as a safe space to let down my guard, the entire con is now that place.

We did that. We made that happen.

The OTW made that happen. The AO3 made that happen. But also, a whole lot of individual fans made that happen. We stepped out of our corner, we stepped out of our closet. We demanded a seat at the table. And now we have a motherfucking HUGO AWARD, and when Naomi Novik got on stage at the Hugos and asked everyone who felt that they were part of the AO3 to stand up to be acknowledged, a notable number of this year's other Hugo nominees were among the attendees who got to their feet.

[goldenmessenger]

TS Actor AU: Reach Out Your Hand Pt 1

Summary: Before recovery can come, you have to admit you have a problem first. In 2019, Roman’s been clean for about 6 years. In 2011, however? Clean is a long way away. He’s alone. Isolated. No-one to turn to. Except he might have one person. But Roman’s ignored him for the last 4 years. But then the voicemail comes.

Read on Ao3 here.

A/N: Hey everyone! So, I’m currently working on a multi-chapter fic set after the last two fics. But that’s probably going to take me a while. So in the meantime, have this fic that’s set 8 years before the others. This is some backstory on Roman, Remus, and Dillon, and how Roman got on the first steps to recovery. Also, I meant for this to be a one-shot, but it’s going to be a two-parter. It’s too long to post all at once. I apologize in advance for this, it’s really intense and a lot of whump and angst. I promise part 2 will make up for everything, and that’ll be up tomorrow.

As usual, let me know if you want to be added to the taglist! And once again, I apologize.

Content Warnings: Drunken texts, drug abuse, drug overdose, mild violence (vague mention), self-deprecating thoughts and language, whump, angst

****************************

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sent at 11:24pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:

happhy B-day roe

its me Rekus

Remus

i gootta new phonee 

im sorry

iwas the worts 

woest

worsr 

Cant typw

To drukn 

Miss u tho

First b-day wit out u

Do u mis me to?

See u on th news

Got that moie 

Movie deal u wanted

Hop ur doin wel 

That ur happy

M not

Mis u

Love u

****************************

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sent at 2:00 pm

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx:

Hey Ro, happy birthday,

it’s me again. 

I wanna apologize for the mess that I sent last year. Thought you’d like to know I’m in a much better place now.

I’m in college in San Francisco, probably gonna live there after.

Gotta boyfriend, just like you always said you would if we didn’t have to deal with everyone’s expectations.

Went to therapy, boyfriend’s idea

Though he was just a best friend then

It’s been really helpful. 

I was so awful to you. 

I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again

You don’t have to forgive me, I just want a chance to talk

If you want to meet up

Just let me know

****************************

Saturday, March 20, 2010

 Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Hey Ro

Happy birthday again. 

At this point, I know you probably won’t reply

This probably isn’t even your number anymore. 

I don’t know why I keep texting you though

Closure, perhaps?

An inability to let go?

Whatever it is, it’s kinda sad

I can’t stop though

If by any chance you are reading this, please respond

I don’t care if it’s to say you hate me, or never want to talk to me again, please

I need you

I need my brother

****************************

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sent at 10:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Happy birthday Ro!

This will probably be the last time I text you. 

My boyfriend, Dillon, pointed out that if you were going to reply, you would’ve already

I need to move on

I need to heal 

I still love you though 

You’ll always be my brother

****************************

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sent at 11:00 am

Text from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

Ro

Ro, what the hell?

I know I said that I wouldn’t text again 

But I just saw the news

You punched someone?

What on earth

I’d honestly be kinda proud of you if I wasn’t worried

Are you doing ok? 

That’s not like you. 

I was always the violent one. 

I know what I said before, but if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here. 

I won’t be waiting for you anymore, but I’ll still be here for you, if you need me.

All you need to do is reach out.

****************************

Sunday, August 15, 2011

Missed Call at 1:00 am

Voicemail from (xxx) xxx-xxxx: 

 “Ro—Roman! Please, please tell me you’re there, that you’re alright—

I just heard, apparently you’ve been missing for two weeks? Two whole weeks, and I didn’t know—

Please call me back, or text if that works better! Please, no one knows where you are, if you’re ok, nothing!

I — I can’t lose you Roman.

I mean, maybe I did already, maybe I did a long time ago—

But that was different. At least you were alive. You were happy. At least, I thought you were happy. I’m not so sure about that anymore. 

But if by some miracle, some crazy insane miracle you still have this number, if you’re ok, please please let me know. 

I love you so much Ro. 

I don’t think I ever said it enough, but I do. So, so much. 

I hope wherever you are, you’re ok.”

****************************

The dark hotel room was illuminated only by the screen of his phone. He stared at it with glassy eyes, unseeing, as the message finished playing. Roman was leaning against the bed, sitting on the floor. His phone was gleaming on the ground next to him. 

Roman had read Remus’s texts as they came, of course, but he hadn’t thought they were sincere. That they were real. Nothing else in his life was, not even his own parents. So why should his own twin be an exception? But he didn’t delete the texts or block the number. He let the messages keep coming. And he didn’t know why. 

Maybe because part of him had wanted to hope. Why else would he be where he was now? Why else would he have used the most of the little money he had left to get himself here? Here in a dingy little motel on the edge of San Francisco. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going, not that anyone cared. Maybe Remy might’ve. Remy, who Roman realized now might’ve been his only real friend. At least, he could’ve been, if Roman hadn’t pushed him away when Remy had attempted to convince Roman he had a problem. Pushed him away just like Roman had done to everything else good in his life. 

That’s why he hadn’t contacted Remus yet. Why he’d sat here in this room with it’s flea-ridden bed and peeling wallpaper for almost two weeks now, only leaving to buy food from the nearby convenience store. Remus’s texts had seemed like he was doing well. Roman had looked at his Facebook too. Remus was in college, was living with his boyfriend, a job working as a tech at a local theater. He seemed happy. Roman couldn’t bring himself to ruin that like he ruined everything else. 

But that voicemail—he hadn’t ever heard Remus sound so frightened before. So worried. And about Roman, of all people. Why? Why on earth? Sure, they’d been close as kids, but they hadn’t even been in the same room for years. And Roman had ignored all of Remus’s attempts to make contact since. He couldn’t understand it. It made his head hurt. He was feeling bitterly jittery, and not very glittery. 

That was a weird sentence. When did his thoughts stop making sense? He needed his pills, needed them. He couldn’t deal with all of these thoughts and emotions. He needed them to go away. He needed them to stop. He fumbled on all fours for the bottle, and finally found it, open and empty. That wasn’t right, it’d been full only...only...he couldn’t remember. A wave of dizziness hit him, and he pitched forward, face planting into the ground. 

Something wasn’t right. Why was his brain so fuzzy. Everything hurt so much, he couldn’t think. He needed help. He needed Remus. He somehow managed to find his phone, and hit the contact simply labeled “R.”

The phone rang. And rang. Finally, it was picked up. And a familiar voice spoke.

****************************

Remus ran his hand through his sleeping boyfriend’s hair. It was a calming motion that somewhat helped to calm his racing mind. But not by much. Dillon had attempted to convince Remus to rest, but Remus couldn’t sleep. Not when Roman was missing. He’d gotten the news around midnight, from a former friend of Roman’s, Remy. 

Remy had been the one to tell Remus that Roman had been struggling with a drug addiction, though Remy didn’t know how long. He’d tried to get Roman some help as soon as he found out, but the other man had rejected it and broke off their friendship. Remy had gone to Roman’s apartment that morning to attempt to repair their relationship, with the hope that he could eventually convince Roman to get some help. But he was nowhere to be found. The door was unlocked, and there was two weeks worth of mail on the floor. He’d found Remus’s number on accident, on a post-it on Roman’s fridge, labeled “Bro.” That’s when he’d called Remus and, upon finding out he was Roman’s brother, told him everything.

Remus didn’t quite understand why Roman had his number saved like that, but the more pressing concern was finding Roman. Remus attempted to call Roman several times, each one going straight to voicemail.

He didn’t blame Dillon for falling asleep though. Remus would if he could. He couldn’t though. The hand that wasn’t running through Dillon’s hair had a death grip on his phone. He couldn’t stop staring at it, praying to anyone who would listen that it would ring.

He didn’t know what he expected though. Roman had never responded to him in the past, so why would now be any diff— 

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

Remus startled as his phone’s ringtone filled the room. Next to him, Dillon shifted and blinked tiredly at him. 

“Why on earth do you still have that obnoxious song as your ringtone?” Dillon questioned, a little grumpy at being woken so unceremoniously. 

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere

Imagination, life is your creation...”

Remus could barely hear him. He could barely hear his own ringtone. All he could do was stare at the name that lit up the screen.

Lil bRO(man)

“Come on, Barbie, let's go party!”

Dillon looked up at Remus, the sleep slowly fading from his gaze as his brain slowly began to catch up.

“Re, what’s wrong?”

“I’m a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie wooorld

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic...”

The chorus of the song began to repeat, and Remus knew he was running out of time. This was something he’d wanted for years, and now, it was happening right in front of him. But he was frozen. For some reason, he couldn’t answer the phone.

“You can brush my hair, undress me everywheere…”

When Remus didn’t respond, Dillon sat up, and saw the phone lying limp in his boyfriend’s grasp.

“Imagination, life is you—”

Quick as a lightning bolt, Dillon grabbed the phone and hit ANSWER before it could go to voicemail. Almost as quick, he hit the speaker button.

There was a long moment of silence. Too long. Finally, Remus’s voice returned.

“Ro, is that you?” He asked, hopefully. “Are you ok, are you hurt, where—”

“Re. I�� I didn’t acshully think you’d anshwer.”

Roman’s familiar voice leaked through the speakers like water through a broken dam. Despite Remus’s relief, however, he immediately recognized something was wrong. One look at Dillon’s face told Remus that he’d heard it too. The way Roman’s words slurred themselves together. Remus took a deep breath. He knew how to handle this. He just needed to stay calm.

“Of course I would.” Remus said sincerely. “Ro, why don’t you tell me where you are? Maybe I can come to you and we can have this conversation in person?”

However, Roman didn’t seem to hear Remus’s question.

“I meshed up Re, meshed up big time, I ran ‘way from evything ‘cause I shcrewed up, an’ now I’m losht an’ allone an’ I jus’ wanted to hear your voishe one lasht time…”

Remus felt his heart seize in panic at those words. He grabbed the phone out of Dillon’s hands as the man looked on worriedly. Remus clutched that phone like it was his lifeline. No, Roman’s lifeline.

“Roman, wait, what do you mean, one last time? Where are you, what’s going on?”

“Ate too many of th’ pret-ty white circles, and now I can’ shtand up right and m’ brain won’ work.”

Roman’s voice grew thick, and it began to sound like he was crying.

“M sorry Re, ‘m an awful brother. I can’ do anything righ’ an’ I was too much of a cow-ward to tell you I was here.”

Remus’s eyes widened in shock as his brain processed the information. White circles, didn’t a lot of pills take that form? Including addictive ones. And Roman was here? San Francisco?

He looked over to Dillon to find that his boyfriend had his own phone out, and was callling someone. Dillon caught his gaze, and mouthed 911. Keep him talking. Remus took a deep breath. He needed to keep it together. For Roman’s sake. 

“Roman, you’re going to be fine, just tell me where you are, and I’ll be right there. You said that you’re here? Where is here?”

“Th’ golden ci-ty, home of Saint Franny. Wan-ed to talk to you, couldn’ get up th’ nerve. ‘M in this shtupid lil hot-tel, it schucks. Bayshide Mot-tel, I think. Rom 320. Picked it cause it wash our birth-dayte.”

Remus quickly glanced over to Dillon urgently, and his boyfriend began relaying Roman’s location to the paramedics. 

“Ro, we’ll be right there, just hold on, ok? We’re on our way.” 

No response.

“Roman, Roman!”

Silence echoed from the other end of the line. 

“No, nononononono no! Roman, please!”

In a dark dingy motel room several miles away, the only sound was a brother’s anguished cries, and the only light was that of a cracked phone screen next to a limp hand.

****************************

AN: Again, I’m really sorry about this cliffhanger, and I will fix it tomorrow.

****************************

TAGLIST:

@ironwoman359

@galacticguppy

@trashpanda-remus 

@atticusfinchthelegend

@ravenclawunicorn1

@voidvirgil

@dogwithpants

@dreaming-about-kittens

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[experimentaldata]

When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go

A Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood fic. 2748 words. Rated T - Smoking and alcohol mentions, war mention, mild language. Set in Season 1 roughly, pre Maes-Hughes-you know what. 

6:00 PM = Ed

   It was raining again. He hated the rain.

Not as much as the Colonel, of course. It’s not like it rendered him totally useless. But losing his limbs had turned him into a human barometer. Each drop in the pressure meant that his stumps ached, and the the pain usually lasted until the weather changed. He’d woken up the night before from the pain, then slept uneasily until it was time to report for duty that morning, careful not to stir. He didn’t want Al to see how much it hurt him. Al had enough to worry about as it was. And he’d only blame himself. Ed could see the looks Al gave him when he thought he wasn’t looking. So he’d stayed still, and gotten up like he normally did, exuding only his typical amount of grumpiness. Thankfully, their day hadn’t involved a lot of moving around. They’d spent it in the East City library, reading and re-reading alchemy texts until Ed’s eyes ached almost as much as his arm and leg. Lieutenant Hawkeye had borrowed the Colonel’s car to drive them back to their hotel room, and left them with a picnic box for dinner, courtesy of the Hughes.

    Ed ate the entire crock of chicken soup and four whole wheat rolls despite himself. It had been a long day, and the warmth from the food sank into every crevice, warming him inside and out. He described the taste to Al, who added it to the “to eat after my body’s back” list. The pain receded to the background as he ate. In its absence, he felt hollowed out - the tension keeping him on alert had finally let loose. Then it hit him. The wall he had held up all day against fatigue was finally breached. That darned soup. He told Al not to wait up for him, he was just gonna finish some research in their room. And he tried, he really did. Sprawled out on the bed, his jacked and boots tossed over the chair in the corner, he willed his eyes to stay open. Just one more page. Maybe chaper 5 of Complete Biological Processes for Alchemists would have the answer. Maybe if he held his head up. Loosened his collar. Put his head on his arm. Rested his eyes just for a second.

8:00 = Al

    Al hadn’t heard from Ed in awhile. He wondered how long it would take him to fall asleep. Ed thought he could hide it, but Al knew it had been a bad pain day. He always knew. It must’ve been really bad for him to go to bed this early--usually he stayed up at least until he had eaten dessert. The double slice of cherry pie Mrs. Hughes had packed was still on the table though, next to the bottle of milk, both untouched. Al could only imagine how warm and fragrant that pie was. He scribbled a note about it in his food journal, then went to go check on his brother. As he suspected, Ed was sprawled out face-down on the bed, his head laying on his right arm. His shirt was hiked up a bit from tossing and turning, and one of his socks had fallen to the floor. Al shook his head. Sleeping with his tummy out again. And no blanket. He crossed the room softly and laid the blanket from his bed over his brother. Ed didn’t move. Out like a light, he thought.

    He sat down in the chair by Ed’s bedside. It would be nice to sleep himself. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to fall asleep. He remembered so much about what it was like to have a body - he could imagine the taste of foods he’d tried before, the feeling of his favorite clothes and blankets, even smells he liked. Falling asleep, however, was a memory that eluded him - it was something you felt by not feeling anything, after all. But about a year into heir quest to get their bodies back, he had developed a work-around. He couldn’t sleep anymore, at least not like other people. But he could dream. It had started as small bursts of deja vu during the lonely nights he spent watching over Ed. Over time, he had figured out how to enter his memories at will each night, reliving them in a daze until he lost track of time. It wasn’t quite as good as sleeping, but it took him away from this body, and this strange place they were living, if only for a few hours. He leaned back in his chair and looked inward, calling up whatever memory his soul decided to play back for him tonight. And then Winry walked into the classroom, and those boys were teasing her, and he was telling Ed not to--

10:00 = Riza

    Riza felt like a frayed rope. The week had been meetings on top of PT exams on top of paperwork Roy forgot to file. She’d strangle that man, Colonel or not, one of these days. All he had to do was sign his name and save the both of them from a week of heartache and a note to his file. But that might get in the way of his sucking-up time. Stupid state dinners, that sort of thing, she thought with a laugh. She poured herself another ounce of bourbon and sighed. It was getting late. Black Hayate was curled up in her lap, twitching in his sleep every so often. Probably hunting rabbits in his sleep, she thought with a smile. At least one man in my life never lets me down.

    She took a long sip of her drink and sighed, letting her head sink into the back of the chair. No end in sight to all this chaos. Roy’s ambitions of becoming Fuhrer and current position as colonel meant he was forever in strategy meetings, personnel conferences, and diplomatic events. And he always wanted the hawk’s eye there to watch his back. She could read a room faster than he could blink, and their five-minute post-meeting conferences proved more useful than weeks of departmental consulting. Never mind that she had her own men to attend to, and that she was stuck cleaning up the mess after Roy was inevitably late with something, again. And he wonders why I drink, she thought. Well, that was one reason. There were other reasons why she needed help from a bottle to sleep at night. But she wasn’t going to dwell on that. No need to remember the past, in all its technicolor gore and misery. That was then. This was now. Now was a fireplace, and an armchair, and Black Hayate snoring, and her clock chiming - ten o’clock already? Better head to bed, then. Early morning PT drill tomorrow, and she had some new recruits to beat some sense into. Slowly, she peeled herself up from her chair, swaying slightly as Black Hayate jumped down off her lap. She laughed at his little sleepy whine and--was that a hiccough? Damn. She’d had more than she thought. Oh well. Her head was going to hurt tomorrow regardless. She slunk back to her bedroom, undressed down to her undershirt and threw herself into bed.

12:00 = Jean

    What a night. First the cafe, a delectable steak and an even more delectable date. Damn, he thought, flipping over onto his back and pulling the blanket up. She was so hot. His eyes danced across the void of the ceiling as he traced the memory. From the cafe to that dive bar, where she had impressed him with both the quality of her conversation and the quantity of shots she could take down. She could drink him under the table, he thought, if they were going for that. But this was a Thursday night, so they left the bar and went instead to...a dance hall. Jean wasn’t exactly sure how that had happened. But he was sure of how he felt watching her move through the crowd. She had waist-length hair that tumbled down in waves to her waist, swaying as she did in time to the music. He chuckled to himself, and kicked his feet out from under the blanket. Still feeling the warmth from that one, he thought. He hadn’t wanted that night to end. But by eleven, the weeknight crowd had started to thin out, and in the absence of its energy, their conversation had stalled. A few minutes later, he was waving sadly at the bus as she sped off to her apartment. He stumbled back to his, alone.

    He didn’t know what it was about him. Every date he had had for the past long while started out well enough. They would talk, offer a cigarette, maybe get a coffee. Something would spark. They’d go out. And at about the 6-hour-of-acquaintance mark, she’d mumble some excuse about an early morning shift, or an elderly aunt, or...he thought one girl had even made up a kid sister she needed to babysit. Regardless, they’d thank him for the lovely evening, and there he’d be. Sleeping alone, like he always did. He heard the clock in his neighbor’s apartment strike midnight. Tomorrow morning was gonna be rough, he thought. He had to report at--0400? 0430? Sometime. The lieutenant would have his head on a plate if he was late one more time. Sleep. Now. Gotta focus on not focusing, Jean. Don’t focus on falling asleep. Just let it happen. Just breathe. In and out. In. Out. in. out. in...out...

2:00 = Gracia

    Being a mom is hard work, Gracia’s mother had told her. She remembered it well. That day when they had finally made it to her family’s hometown, six months after they found out they were going to have Elysia. Her mom had thrown a big party at her childhood home, and invited all the surrounding friends and relations to stuff themselves on her home cooking and wish the newlyweds well. Gracia joked that she was trying to make everyone as fat-looking as she was to save face. Her mom had just laughed. And that’s when she told her, her eyes blinking back proud tears, how hard it was to be a mom, and how proud she was that Gracia was going to be one. It was one of her favorite memories of her mother. Her mother lived just long enough after that to see her granddaughter one time, on her first birthday. Three generations of her family were under the same roof, for the first and last time she could remember. It was heavenly. With her mother there, it seemed like nothing could go wrong.

    What she wouldn’t give for some of that magical mom power right now, she thought. She could see Elysia’s outline in the doorway, lit from behind by the hall nightlight. Somehow she had woken up right as her daughter crossed the threshold of their room, though she couldn’t hear anything over Maes’ snoring. Must be that special sixth sense moms get. Elysia had thrown up, it turned out. Her little face was stained with tears. She had tried to clean it up herself with her blanket, then stood in the doorway until mommy woke up. She knew she would. She was right. One set of fresh sheets, a warm washcloth, and a changed nightgown later, and her baby girl was tucked into bed again. She looked up at her mother and tugged at her sleeve. Would mommy sleep with her tonight? Gracia sighed. Between the kicking, the stuffed animal tossing, and the sleep talking (she inherited this from her father), sleeping with mommy meant mommy not sleeping much at all. But those brown eyes looked up at her, and Gracia melted the same as she did the first time she saw them. Yes, mommy will sleep here tonight. And now, installed in the toddler bed with her daughter’s feet planted in the small of her back, there was nowhere else she’s rather be.

4:00 = Pinako

    Old age changes a person. It used to be, Pinako thought, shifting to her left side, that she could just look at a bed and fall asleep. A lifetime of hard work will do that to you. She had proudly worked her way through four years of uni, two more of automail training, and another two of apprenticeship without ever missing a night. Early mornings were when she got her best thinking done, anyway. And that’s how it had been for the past forty years. But as she neared seventy, things were changing. She slept fitfully now. Every small noise might wake her up, even the ones she was used to. Tonight, it was the dog barking at heaven only know’s what. She muttered some choice words and eased herself off of the bed. Better go shut that dog up before he wakes up anyone else.

     She found the dog on the porch, holding the freshly-killed mouse he had caught in his mouth. More like a cat, that one was. Well, it was good for him to earn his keep. She patted him on the head and sat down in her rocking chair. She had left her pipe on the end table beside it. Hmph. Getting forgetful in her old age as well as sleepless, she thought. She tamped down the bowl and lighted her pipe, blowing a test smoke ring out into the starry night sky. Yep, still got it. She smiled contentedly and smoked for awhile, the dog curled at her feet. It was quiet out here. A light breeze whispered in the apple trees her and Yuriy had planted so long ago. The pipe got a little too warm, so she set it down and just rocked for a while. Maybe I should just stay out here tonight, she thought. Not like I was getting much sleeping done inside. It was going to be time to get up in a few hours, anyway. Just stay here, keep rocking. Let the wind blow. Stay quiet. Be still. Rock back. And forth. and back. and forth.

6:00 = Roy

    Ishval. All he ever thought about these days was Ishval. The rain wasn’t helping. He had been stuck inside going to meetings all week. Mind-numbing stuff. This is not why he’d signed up to be a state alchemist. All these meetings and paperwork were getting in the way of...what? Sometimes, if he was being honest, Roy didn’t really know. At first, the path had been clear. Take this job, accept this assignment, fill out these forms. Drag yourself through enough mud, they’d assured him, and your gilded cage was waiting for you at the end. So he had, in central command, then at Briggs, and then - Ishval. There were some things you just couldn’t unsee, things that played out again and again on the blank wall you were staring at, trying desperately to put out the fires in your mind so you could sleep.

    Tonight, it was the hospital camp they had taken, early on in the conflict. His superior officer assured him that the wounded were to be taken alive, as prisoners, unless absolutely necessary for the safety of their men. The position they held was valuable, and wounded Ishvalans didn’t pose much of a threat. But of course there’d been complications. It was an ambush. The rebel troops burst at them from all directions, and the order was given to light up the camp. Together, he and Kimblee had reduced the entire area to ash and rubble. They’d celebrated that victory that night, bits of wheelchairs and stretchers littering the ground around their bonfire. Another victory like that might have killed him.

    Roy rolled over to his other side and willed himself to close his eyes. He hadn’t slept a wink all night. Make that the past three nights. Damn, this rain had to stop. He could hear it pattering merrily on the windowsill outside, mocking him. He felt so useless in the rain. Lately, he’d felt useless anywhere. What was this all even for? What was he trying to do? Could a country like Amestris really be saved? Could it come back from the brink of destruction? Could it ever atone for Ishval?

    Just as his mind had given up trying to solve that conundrum, he jerked awake. His clock struck 0600. Time to get up.

[pffbts]

If possible I would like to request an imagine with Namjoon. Y/N and Namjoon were slowly drifting apart due to Namjoon job. It got a point we’re Y/n though about breaking up with him but Namjoon is also aware o the situation btw them and make Y/N change her mind. Hope it wasn’t too confuse. Thank love you work 💜

―genre: fluff; angst; crack.

―pairing: namjoon x female reader | no supporting character.

―w.c: 1.8K

―author`s note: this was supposed to be a little drabble like imagines and now it looks like a whole fic. i`m sorry if this isn`t what you expected. but nevertheless, i tried and i probably sound like an emo fool after writing such fic as below. thank you for sending in this idea, i hope you enjoy it as much as i did writing it, baby! much love <33.

[05:09 PM] [cherry blossom outside the large transparent window while the afternoon sun covers half the stature of someone`s significant other]

― the girl beside his desk has an eye for him. namjoon knows all about it and it wasn`t that which made him feel anything special. he sighed, as he glanced over to his computer screen. suddenly, the tie around his neck felt too tight. then he looked at the right down corner of his computer screen, the time saying almost 10:00 P.M. you must be drastically worried. or maybe not.

this has been a regular thing now. namjoon don`t even have time for himself. how could he manage to keep track of his live-in girlfriend? it`s been exactly two years, eight complete months and thirteen days that namjoon confessed about his love for you in front of his present shared home with you. at that time, you weren`t staying with him. you were just a casual visitor, a thread of movies and books that kept you going with him for hours and hours of conversation.

it was spring at that time and the cherry blossoms look ethereal, especially falling across your face that glowed time to time as namjoon`s words for confession flowed with each passing seconds. he, after three months, revealed that he had practised it for almost fiftieth time just to get it completely perfect in front of you.

the girl next to him kept looking at him. he let the tie get loose with the single tug of his forefinger across the knot. the clock said 10:27 PM – what? it has already been almost half an hour? namjoon shook his head microscopically and pushed his chair back, and got up picking up all the printouts and folders stacked on his desk. the girl next to him – what is her name again? who knows? – shot her eyes up to follow his movements.

namjoon ran across the parking lot. the clock said 11:03 PM. he felt fucked up. he wanted to stop you from leaving him. yes, it has been his fault all along. after all, the sudden promotion at his office got with a hectic, piled up works and along with that the constant pressure of keeping you happy. no, what the hell is wrong with him? how can he call the mere presence of yours in his life, as his lover, as the only woman in his life now that his mother is up in the sky, a pressure? sure, his mother isn`t smiling right now. she must be looking down at her son while he drives past the restaurant he first met you, thinking that this isn`t the son she raised.

namjoon knew you were tired. it started showing when you stopped staying up late for dinner at the dinner table when you stopped sleeping face to face with him when you stopped mending the little decoratives on the cupboards that he broke without any warning. he could see all the signs and if your eyes ever met his, you would only smile – but that smile wasn`t a smile of someone still in hope, it was the smile of someone who slowly fades away.

he parked the car in the apartment garage and pulled out the keys. of course, the door is all locked. he quickly climbs all the stairs and when he finally opens the door of his shared apartment, he could only hear the sound of his loud heartbeat pumping enough blood to take in anything. the sight of your white coat still hanging and all of your shoes – namjoon counted them, just out of habit – sneakers (one blue and one white), beige coloured stiletto, and another blue dockside and oh, there`s the recent one – a block heels. namjoon smiled and as the counting of your shoes finished at the back of his mind, he slowly with no sound took his own shoes off – a mere office shoe (nothing interesting, just the normal black ones). he placed them very cautiously beside his own black vans.

he unbuttoned his white shirt while still walking with pressed steps towards the bedroom. the dinner was covered at the dinner table, but namjoon was in no mood for that. his appetite had been gone for the last couple of hours after the constant scrutinizing gaze from the female co-worker beside his desk to the words of his boss while he handed him another stack of folders.

namjoon simply wanted to face you while he lies down on his bed tonight, if and if only while he completely takes off his shirt in front of the bedroom`s door, he could see the calm and sleeping figure of you in his and your bed.

the grip from his shirt loses and it falls down without any sound – just like you went away.

*

the empty bed was enough information, actually, no, the empty closet was enough information that you had left him. wait, does that mean, you got new shoes? or wait, maybe you didn`t even think of it and walked out in your slippers. how many times? how many times has namjoon told you not to walk around the place outside the home in your slippers?

namjoon let out a burst of hysterical laughter – as if he`s completely lost all his senses. this isn`t what promotion means. promotion comes with stability, marriage plans, babies and a lot more of that. what was he doing? he was accepting stacks and stacks of folders each night, coming home past midnight, getting eye fucked by some creepy co-worker, not giving a single loving kiss to his girlfriend every time he goes out for office – you ask why – because when he leaves, it`s early morning and you never woke up before 8:00 AM ever in your life.

he went for another drive, all through the traffic, passing the same restaurant now that it flocks with a countless number of people at 04:34 PM next day. namjoon has taken half his day off today just because his boss couldn`t stop seeing his first-class employee getting a stroke in the completely air-conditioned office.

namjoon felt the same kind of heart beats coming back to life after last night when he somehow silenced them by counting your shoes. huh, god this isn`t the time to think of counting shoes. like who the fuck counts shoes to slow down your heartbeat? normal people would look at stars, count the stars, count the clouds but no, your lover, your pathetic yet silly lover, kim namjoon counts your shoes every night he comes back home just to confirm if you`re still putting up with his recklessness.

he never used the doorbell at your little apartment. he always knocked – three times in a row. he remembered you saying that, three knocks equivalent to – kim (knock) nam (knock) joon (knock). no, it wasn`t just him who was pathetic, you sound stupid too. it`s not just him who has three syllables in his full name in the world. but, then he remembered you said that no one knocks the doors these days. they always use the doorbell.

when the door opened, namjoon felt like he needed a sunglass, and a tube of sunscreen because you looked too vibrant as if pushing the literal sun to its limit.

“namjoon?” so that`s how your voice sounds like? so that`s how the sun sounds like?

his senses came back and soon his furiously beating heart dropped to the deepest pit hole inside his body. you had never used his full name, not until the second day of your and his meeting at the restaurant. you always called him ‘joon’. you were always – joon this, joon that, joon take care, joon good morning, joon…joon i love you.

he pushed you inside the room and went down on his knees, his hands tightly holding your side. namjoon cried like there was no one in front of him, like the main door of his girlfriend`s little apartment isn`t wide open, like the tint of the warm sunlight isn`t warming up his hands that gripped your sides as support.

“i`m sorry! i`m sorry!” he wailed like a baby, “i was confused. i was so fucked up with all the promotions and the constant work pressure that i forgot i had the biggest priority back in my home. our home.” he looked back up at your face to see that your eyes weren`t looking away from him, they were filled with tears and down on him. “i told my boss that i`ll leave the post and go back to being the normal employee. i can`t afford to lose you again. not when no other person is there for me. i don`t want to become lonely again, y/n! please come back!”

“joon! no” yes! namjoon`s insides yelped with the tiniest bit of hope. you called him joon again. “don`t say things like that – you`ve worked hard for that position that you have took up today. i know the work pressure went up but i really didn`t expect you to stop caring about our side altogether.” namjoon shook his head against your thigh as his face remained pushed against it. “you know what? i was really feeling stupid when i walked out because it was only when i looked down at my feet after coming here that i realized that i was still in my home slippers.” stupid, namjoon said to you in his mind. “i thought i could just pull you by your tie and make you sit with me and talk it all out. i was really stupid, right?”

you went on your knees just like namjoon. even on your knees, you were shorter than him. how silly! how cinematic the view looked! you took hold of his face and in a slow, soft and stern voice, you asked, “where`s my kiss, stupid?”

the clock read 05:09 PM and namjoon witnesses the first cherry blossom of the arriving spring outside the large window and then his eyes looked upon the sleeping figure of you – his significant other, facing his side, the setting sun over half of your stature.

namjoon could still tell how much abandoned your lips felt like.

[enaasteria]

Answered Asks // 2

Under the cut~~~

Anonymous said to enaasteria: April 15th 2017, 9:14:00 pm · 6 months ago Ok, don't answer to this because I will not see it anyway. I was @jamlesspyo and I say was because when you'll see this my blog will already be deleted, personnal reasons. So I want to tell that you are one of the most amazing writer I had the chance to read a story of. You are also the sweetest person so thank you so much. I hope that one you will have enough confidence in yourself because you deserve it so much. Love you and stay healthy

I will answer this bc you might come back and I’ll def miss you. Thank you for all your warm encouragement and help throughout my struggles and I couldn’t have asked for a better reader/friend. Miss you and wishing you all the best!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: April 20th 2017, 10:59:00 pm · 6 months ago you might not read this for awhile and when you do you don't have to reply, but i just wanted to tell you that all of your writing here is beautiful and amazing! finishing your story is so worth waiting for and i can't wait to read the ending! thank you for sharing your writing!

You might not think this after you read chapter 16. It’s a kind of flargh chapter but needed to be in there so T_____T I’m kinda nervous about it but hopes everyone enjoys and feel it was worth the wait.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: April 23rd 2017, 1:14:00 am · 5 months ago Freaking heck, you are an amazing and professional writer!!! I'm reading through Apartment 5108 now and I can't think of words even close to satisfactory enough to compliment your writing!! All the best for your writing and future endeavours! :)

Ahhhhhh you are too kind to me. Thank you so much for reading and no worries. please don’t stress over what to write or compliments because I enjoy any kind of feedback tbh. Spazz messages are the best!

@sassyunicorns2​ said to enaasteria: May 11th 2017, 8:31:00 am · 5 months ago I won't lose hope! I know you can do it, because you are an amazing writter and you always have great ideas!!! I am here in the other part of the world cheering for you! 🙌 FIGHTING!! 💪👊 P.S.: I'm sorry for the errors.

I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you so much for your continued support. It means so much to me and I’m so glad you love this story!

@whosexo​ said to enaasteria: May 11th 2017, 3:57:00 pm · 5 months ago SEND 💖 THIS 💖 TO 💖 THE 💖 FIFTEEN 💖 NICEST 💖 PEOPLE 💖 ON 💖 TUMBLR 💖 IF 💖 YOU 💖 GET 💖 5 💖 BACK 💖 YOU 💖 MUST 💖 BE 💖 PERFECT 💖 Miss you hope you're doing amazing!!

No words can amount to how much i love you too! I apologize for my year long disappearance. I’m a terrible person. UGH. But I shall blame it on work and daily stress. T___T Hope you are well too, love!

@dream-exo-fantasy said to enaasteria: May 11th 2017, 3:58:00 pm · 5 months ago SEND 💖 THIS 💖 TO 💖 THE 💖 FIFTEEN 💖 NICEST 💖 PEOPLE 💖 ON 💖 TUMBLR 💖 IF 💖 YOU 💖 GET 💖 5 💖 BACK 💖 YOU 💖 MUST 💖 BE 💖 PERFECT 💖 (A side message: I hope you're not stressing too much about writing. Take your time and stay healthy 💕)

You are the sweetest and thank you so much. 2017 was unfortunately the most stress filled year i’ve ever experienced but hopefully the latter end will treat us all better, yeah? T.T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: May 12th 2017, 1:46:00 am · 5 months ago wah yay! okay take your time! i (and many others) can't wait to see your masterpiece! 💕

Love you!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: May 20th 2017, 12:32:00 am · 5 months ago So I was wondering did ahri told sehun about what happened to her while sehun went after jiyul like she drank the juice and was taken to hospital or did sehun already knew or anyone told him bc I think you didn't mention that?..

Soi definitely told him---actually her wrath probably yelled at him and was infuriated with his poor actions. he probably got scolded by everyone tbh.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: May 29th 2017, 6:07:00 pm · 4 months ago Youre probably busy with apartment 5108 but i really hope you do come back to keepers! Chapter 1 left me on edge and im still eagerly waiting for the next part!! Much love sent your way❤️❤️❤️

I CANT WAIT FOR KEEPERS. I want to write it two ways but I might just do two endings bc I’m a sap and a total angst fest lol

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 5th 2017, 8:41:00 pm · 4 months ago enaaaaaaa i miss yoooooouuuuuuuuu ):<

I MISS YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOO

@unsungthoughts said to enaasteria: June 5th 2017, 9:19:00 pm · 4 months ago Apartment 5108. I'm beyond in love w this story! I was so into the story to the point where I could literally feel everything, the emotion esp. It is truly an amazing piece of writing. I'm new here (since yesterday and just finished 5min ago) --cont.cont.-- and yet to explore ur other stories, which I will definitely do cz I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH 💕

You make me blush! I’m so happy you enjoyed this story and I’m glad it made you feel things. I hope 16 treats you well and that you’re having a great time on tumblr! welcome, welcome. AND I LOVE YOU TOO

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 15th 2017, 11:47:00 pm · 4 months ago power through love! you got this! 👏🏽👏🏽

I was jamming to POWER as I wrote this chapter. Lord knows I needed the help. orz

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 23rd 2017, 2:25:00 pm · 3 months ago this is kinda random but Charlie puth's Attention reminds me of Red 😅

Imma go listen to this and add it to the playlist! TY ANON!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 24th 2017, 11:31:00 pm · 3 months ago ena, i just wish you can fathom 1/16 of the greatness you've omitted onto the exo fandom. you're writing is absolute perfection. fandom writers are just not appreciated enough! you're art is just as important than the art exo creates. you are able to create a story and a character. just think about that. a person and their life. real or not, you've created a character all of us can relate to in one way or another. i hope you keep finding joy in what you do and never lose this passion. ��

I remember reading this message 3 months ago and it made me want to cry. Thank you so much for your kind words and thank you for appreciating fanfiction as an art form. I think this writing is such a lost art and people don’t appreciate the time and effort going into a story. But reading this made it so worth it and thank you so much for your kindness!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 7th 2017, 7:22:00 am · 3 months ago Omg i just followed you now bcs of apartment 5108 and others too. Geez why i havent discovered you then?! Seriously for me its really hard to find fanfic that matches with my reading style gosh its pretty damn well written and you succesfully made me feel like im the character. You mess my feeling hun'. You did it. Seriously youre one of the best writer i ever known in tumblr. Im looking forward to ch 16 and others too. I hope u doing well!!!! Lots of love from your lovely reader💛

Thank you so much for your kind words! It’s such a huge compliment to see you hold my writing to such a high regard and I hope this next chapter doesn’t disappoint. I’m so glad you like it and please let me know what you think of the rest of the chaps!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 7th 2017, 12:45:00 pm · 3 months ago I've been following you for about a year now and DAMN HOW I LOVE YOU. Its been a year since you last updated Apartment 5108 but you still log in to check on your fans. Writers block is an ass but all you need is some inspiration and then you'll be firing away with the Seahri feels. or Ahrun feels. However you decide to ship them. Also Chanyeol is my fav and the fic you wrote called Two killsss meee. THANK YOU! Also, I'm Egyptian. Pretty cool knowing you have international readers eh?

I’m so sorry you’ve had to wait so long for a chapter!!! It’s so amazing how there are international people reading this and I can’t thank you enough for your kindness and also for sending me this comment but ALSO SEAHRI. LIKE THIS KILLS ME AND ITS SO CUTE AND ADORABLE.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 7th 2017, 1:56:00 pm · 3 months ago Hey Ena! Just wanted to tell you that I literally open your page every single day (its been 3 months LOL) , just to check if there's any update for apt5108, no rush but that just show how much i adore your work, i just freakin' love your story! I never felt so desperate waiting for the next chapter.. but I believe good things take a long time, and I believe your work could be one of the good things, even better the best thing!! Love, Your biggest fan💕

IM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT. I don’t know what to say other than this year has been a mess and a true struggle but I dearly wanted to write this chapter and forced myself to do it and post today. I’m so sorry if it wasn’t worth the wait but hopefully it’s a good continuation to their story T____T

@sehun---addict said to enaasteria: July 20th 2017, 10:07:00 pm · 3 months ago Personally i would rather wait until you finish the story and post it in one go bcs waiting game for each chap is pure torture . Much love♡

I wish I could’ve posted it all but 16 nearly killed me to just finish so I hope this is a good chapter to hold you off until 17 T___T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 20th 2017, 10:14:00 pm · 3 months ago In reference to your tag in the previous ask- I think posting the chapters as you finish them would be preferable for me. That way I wouldn't have to wait as long for another update? But I'm wondering if writing it all and posting it generally at one point would be easier on you, so that it could kind of be one and done. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to write this story! You are so incredibly talented and I find it so kind that you take time out of your day to write.

16 is going up soon. I hope you enjoy it and I’m so sorry for the wait. Thank you for your patience and I hope you read with low expectations because I’m a bit nervous about this chapter. It’s excruciatingly long T.T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 20th 2017, 11:46:00 pm · 3 months ago please post 16 when it's finished! that way we can have a new chapter at a time to enjoy!

It’s going up!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 23rd 2017, 4:47:00 am · 2 months ago I know I'm late but about the end of appartment 5018 I'm really curious about Polaris. Will it be build ? Will it be insignifiant ? I really like it so yeah that's what I'm most curious about :)

This will be addressed in 17! :D

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 2nd 2017, 9:53:00 pm · 2 months ago same anon who recommended moondust~~ i have another one for you ena ^^ it's the house we never built by gabrielle alpine <3 best of luck on the story!

Imma check this out after I answer these messages and add it to my playlist! Thank you so much!

@yoruu-gen said to enaasteria: August 21st 2017, 1:01:00 pm · a month ago Happy Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day to my most favorite fanfic author in existence ❤ Apt 5108 is by far the best thing I've read on this website and I look forward to continue stalking your Google Docs 👀 I'm so thankful that you pulled me out of the writer's block abyss and I hope I won't disappoint in the future lol. Thanks for always being such a great friend and for always dying with me about our biases 😅 Love u lots~~

YOUUUUUU. I LOVE YOU. I also thank you so much for helping me with this chapter. You are such an inspiration and I know you feel like you’re not that great of a writer but honestly---you are one of the two I really, truly, look up to on this platform. I always enjoy your words, your stories, YOUR STRUGGLES with your biases but also so thankful for your friendship. 

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 26th 2017, 9:36:00 am · a month ago Red is my favorite fic and it impacted me so much in a way i can only be thankful. Getting away of a one-side love relationship was really a big choice i should have made before but it's really scary to do so. Reading Red helped me aknowledge what i was doing to myself after denying it for too long and i finally decided to take care of myself for once. So i'm thankful because your amazing way of using words helped me realize i should do what's better for me and no one else. Take care of yourself

Red is honestly one of my favorites too. It was so easy to write (compared to apt) hahaha and although Sehun wasn’t a good character in it, I enjoyed the progression of how real the characters were? Like---this happens in real life and not all things end happily with rainbows and butterflies. It is a struggle to see a person go through something like this but it’s also a testament to their character and their willpower to walk away from it and say when they’ve had enough. I hope you’re doing well, anon.

[miss-lucy-silver]

FIC: CLOSER (5/30)

A Chris Evans fanfic

Summary: A day full with emotions led to a terrible ending.  

Warnings: NONE 

NOTES: So, here it is...It took a while to post this because I wasn’t so convinced about this chapter. I don’t know. I still don’t like it. Maybe that’s why I was gone for a few weeks (”Lola you’ve been gone for more that just a few weeks”) because I wanted to try again and write something different, but nothing came out. So, i was about to loose my shit (AGAIN) and I decided to post it anyway. SO SORRY AGAIN (”stop apologizing, and post the damn chapter, Lola.”)

If by any reason you would like to be added or removed from the tag list, let me know! 

SONG: Dream a little dream of me - Ella Fitzgerald   

                  CHAPTER FIVE: Dream a little dream of...

PHOTO: (credits to owner)

                                         CHRIS- Tuesday 7:10 pm

                                       Pickles, I’m back. Where R U?

                                         CHRIS- Tuesday 7:45 pm

                                                     Pickles?

                              -3 missed call- 8:15 pm- from CHRIS

                                         CHRIS- Tuesday, 9:38 pm

                               Lori, please answer me. Where are you?

                              -1 missed call- 11:00 pm- from CHRIS

                             -1 missed call- 11:15 pm- from EVE

NEW YORK- Earlier that morning

A delicate, warm body moved on the wide empty mattress, making the soft fabric travel on her pale skin. Her hair, curly and messy, was all over her face after a long night in bed. She was still feeling dizzy with no energy at all, but somehow, she felt a little bit better thanks to Chris, who stood in her apartment after two weeks of their reencounter.

It was 9 am when Lori yawned and opened her eyes. She turned her body to the window, watching the snowfall, and thinking of what they should do in that day. Maybe a walk, a hot coffee in their favorite coffee shop, or just laying on bed watching a movie. She smile at that happy thought, when she felt some familiar vibe around the house. The soft music, with Ella Fitzgerald singing Dream a little dream of me, traveled through the house, mixing the melodies with the sound of someone cooking breakfast. The sweet smell of pancakes, bacon and coffee woke her up, but the warm room stole a sigh from her, sinking under the big blanket and closing her eyes again.

“If you don’t wake up, I’m gonna eat all the bacon” said Michael from the door.

Her eyes opened like two plates, and her heartbeat got faster than ever. Was he…? But….he can’t be.

“Alright. Bacon’s out” She heard his steps leaving the room, and quickly turned to see him. However, he was gone. She stood up and looked at the door, completely confused.

Michael used to do that, making breakfast on snow days, with music and making noises in the kitchen; and the only way to wake her up was by threating her with her bacon.  

She ran, stumbling down the hall, thinking of all the things they lived all those years, re-living the last months, and the pure joy she was having by his side. She suddenly stopped and closed her eyes, praying to God everything that happened was just an awful dream, and he was still there with her. “I chose you three years ago, and I will choose you, forever” she heard the words he said the night of her birthday, when she thought he was cheating on her, and he gave the most simple but honest confession to her; making her feel loved like any other.

“Chris” she whispered, almost with no breath in her lungs, when she ran into the kitchen and found him there.

Part of her was in shock, after such a vivid hallucination, and the other part was disappointed. She knew it was impossible, but her heart couldn’t see it. She couldn’t accepted it yet. How could she?

“Hey! I was making some breakfast for us. I didn’t know if you’d like bac…on. Lori?” Chris was looking at the kitchen the whole time. But when he turned around, he saw her looking at the floor with a terrifying look on her face. “Lori, what is it?” From one second to the other he ran to her side, and held her from her arms.

“I’m fine…I just. I thought…” She took her head and closed her eyes, confused. “I’m okay”

Chris didn’t believed her and was highly scared for the way she was looking around the house, like she was lost. “Look at me. Lori, look at me.” Her eyes were lock on one of the walls, where a picture of her and Michael was looking at her.

“The beach. He was there. He was… here.” The words came out of her mouth in a whisper, taking Chris’s arms and hugging him tight “What’s happening to me?” she cried in his shoulders.

Chris’s heart shattered at that point, feeling helpless and useless when he didn’t know what to do to make her feel better. “You had that nightmare again,” he said while caressing her back.  

“It’s always there. Haunting me. Chris I’m tired of dreaming the same thing over and over.”

His arms held her tight against his body, and his breath was on her neck. He truly wanted to do everything in his power to help her, but he didn’t know how, and for him that was unbearable. Especially when it comes to help her.

Then, something crossed his mind. A glimpse of what they used to do when they were younger, and how that simple gesture made both of them happy.

“Go to bed, and choose the movie.” he said, taking her by her arms and guiding her to her bedroom.

Lori smiled. She completely forgot about his promise, and the idea of doing that took the pain away, at least for a few hours.

“You remembered it” her voice was still broken, but he could tell she was smiling.

“How can I forget it?” he exclaimed rolling his eyes.

“I…I did” she joked with embarrassment, looking at Chris’s reaction. His mouth and eyes opened in offense.

“You’re a terrible friend.” said Chris, emphasizing the ‘terrible’ by closing his eyes. When he opened them, he saw her laughing with tears in her eyes and couldn’t help but clean one of the tears that fell on her cheek.    

“But you love me” she said, wrapping her arms in his waist, shortening the distance between them.

Chris laughed, holding both of Lori’s cheeks. He placed a small kiss in her forehead, making her close her eyes, and sweetly he admitted “Madly”.

NEW YORK 5PM

After having lunch together, Lori fell sleep again, and Chris decided to go to the store to buy some food. Christmas was a few days away, and he wanted to do something special for Lori and him. And what could be better than dinner for two?

“Hi, honey” greeted his mother on the other side.  

“Ma, I need some help” she sensed the panic on his voice. He had absolutely no idea what to cook on Christmas night, and for the record, he was never good in the kitchen, except for bacon and eggs.  

With his mother on the other side of the phone, he started to pick up the ingredient she was telling him. She was delighted to know that his son was cooking for someone, but Chris was certain she was laughing at the mere picture of him, running cover in sweat, reading the recipe and freaking out.

“You’re having your moment, don’t ya?”

“OH YEAH. I knew this moment will come, when you have to feel my pain”

Chris laughed, making her mom laugh as well.

“Are you sure of this mom?” he asked, frowning his brows, even if his mom couldn’t see him.

“The recipe? She will love it!”

“No. No. I mean, are you sure It’s okay if I spend Christmas here?”

“Is she okay with that?” asked Lisa

“She insists I should go back to Boston. But I don’t want to leave her”

“Why don’t you both come here?”

“I don’t know if she wants to go. You know her story there.”

“Look honey, do what you think is right for her. We’ll be fine here, and I promise I’ll send your gifts.” Those word will stuck in Chris’s head for the rest of his life ‘Do what you think is right for her’

“Send me the recipe first or I’m gonna freak the shit out with this dinner”

“Christopher!”

“Sorry. Love you, ma”

“Love you more, sweetheart”

Everything that happened after Lori and Chris met again was like a roller coaster. Chris decided to stay with her, even if the festivities were around the corner, and Lori didn’t like to see him missing those beautiful times with his family because of her.

A FEW WEEKS AGO

“I don’t want you to stay here” she complained, crossing her arms on her chest.

“And why not?” asked Chris for the thousand time. “I want to stay here”

“But…your family.”

“Pickles, they know I’m with you, and why I’m with you. Don’t worry about that”

“So you’re just gonna spend Christmas here. With me.” She replied with angriness and sarcasm crossing her arms on her chest

“If I have to.” He replied with the same sarcasm and the same gesture, mimicking her.

“You don’t” she attacked

“Am I bothering you? Do you really want me to leave?” Chris was starting to get pissed.

“You’re not bothering me, moron! I just don’t get it. You need to go back to Boston and spend Christmas there…with your family.”

Chris felt a huge urge to scream everything he was feeling in that moment “Then I’m fucking staying. No discussion”

“But…”

“But nothing. Now move your ass. We need to buy some Christmas decorations for your house. This needs some color.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my house. And don’t avoid this discussion, we’re not finished”

“Yes we are. And yes, your house is a mess. In the Grinchiest possible level.”

“Did you just say GRINCHIEST? What kind of word is that?”

“The word I use to describe your apartment. Your lack of Christmas spirit is ridiculous.”

“Shut up” she rolled her eyes.

“Santa Claus is not coming to town!” He sang, tickling her ribs to make her laugh a little bit. He knew it was hard for her to show some good mood after Michael, but he couldn’t not see her smile.

“Stop! Maybe Santa could bring me some good dreams tho” she said, taking her green coat and purse.

“You’re still dreaming about that beach?” he asked opening the door for her.

“Every night, Chris. And I still can’t reach him” Her voice broke in the last word, when her lips said ‘Him’ and saw Michael walking away in the sand.

Chris took her face giving her a small kiss in the forehead, and pressing his after the kiss. His blue eyes locked in her, and still holding her face, he whispered “You will, I promise you will.”    

NEW YORK- 7PM

His car was full of different things he bought. Food, candies, more Christmas decoration, and a cake. His mother told him to buy something Lori would like, so he went directly to a baking store, and bought a purple cake, with a small flower decoration on top. Although he thought, it didn’t make justice to the cakes Lori bake herself.

As soon as he walked into the apartment, the dogs went to say hello, jumping and barking around him.

“Hey guys! I have something for ya. Lori, I’m home!” he yelled from the hall

With the dogs crying on his feet, he placed all the food on the table. “Lori, what’s wrong with the boys?” he asked, when the dogs didn’t stop crying, running to the door and back to him.

However, Lori never answered. That kind of silence caught Chris’s attention, and went to check on her, if she was still sleeping or working in the computer.

His heart stopped when he opened her bedroom door. Everything there was a mess, as if some kind of hurricane destroyed the place. The sheets flew to the other side of the room. The perfumes, the pictures, her clothes, all of it was in the floor.

The worst scenarios came to his mind in a second.

“Lori!” he screamed making his chest tremble, at the same time he ran to the bathroom to check if she was there.

He yelled her name repeatedly even though he knew she wasn’t there.

That wasn’t Chris calling for his friend. The panic itself was calling for her.  

                                 - CHRIS- Tuesday 7:10 pm

                                 Pickles, I’m back. Where R U?

He typed fast, letting himself know he was feeling terrible about this. In the meantime, he went back to the kitchen, trying to calm down the dogs, and storing things in the fridge. But his attention, even if he wasn’t looking at his phone, was o Lori’s response.

A few minutes went by, and there was no answer from her. He looked at his phone, and put his finger on the bridge of his nose, thinking what else he could do.  

His breathing pace was getting faster as the hours ran on the clock, and his hands were sweaty when he took his phone again.

“Eve, it’s Chris” he spoke and soon as she picked up.

“Hey, what’s up?” the redhead answered.

“Is Lori with you?” his voice was trembling, as if he was about to cry. However, he was fighting to sound as calm as he could be.

“No. I actually send her a text a few hours ago, and she told me she was going to see someone. Why?”  

He didn’t care about her question. “When was that?”  

“At five?” His heart started to beat faster.

That was when Chris left the apartment, and two hours later, she was gone.

“Something’s wrong��� 

Those were his last words, before a terrible snow storm broke out in the city, and even a terrible one in Lori’s apartment.  

Thanks so much everyone, you probably forgot about me already, but umm...BOO I’M BACK BTCHES haha! LOVE Y’ALL!! 

And, being serious for a moment, I truly TRULY miss y’all. I had a terrible weeks, with a lot of problems (emotionally speaking). But is really nice to be back, and I hope I can talk with all of you as we used to do it before! I promise, I won’t leave again .(except If you want me to leave, then I’ll pack my stuff and go to leave in a freaking mountain. You'll miss my cookies tho. Just saying)

OH! and yeah, This story is down to 30 chapters. That’s my goal. Let’s see how it goes from now on. 

xx from this part of the world

PLEASE HELP ME TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT CLOSER, REBLOG! Thank you!! . 

-L.Barller

TAGS: @evansscruff (miss you) @arelyhb (MISS THE FUCK OUT OF YOU) @always-an-evans-addict @ariallane @writingcreatingstorytelling @toc1985 @shut-it-tinman @djeniiscorner @chris-evans-whaaat @mrsjacksonteller @ya-girl-evanstrash @thequeenofgood @marieeeeechen @angelakii

[fireflyfish]

To Do List

Tagged by @writegowrite! & others? Maybe? I don’t remember?

Do this: put down what you’re working on in as little or much detail as you want and then tag some friends to see what they’re working on.

I’m going to borrow a page from writegowrite and stick to fics/fan works for sanity’s sake.

Oh! And I would like to tag @rainglazed, @themikeymonster, @themadknightuniverse, @teapirate, @silvergryphon, @gryfinngal, @albaparthenicevelut And anyone else who needs a little help getting all their “to do”s onto paper, so to speak. Y’all are under no obligation to reblog of course but if you need the help/inspiration/are bored then consider yourself TAGGED.

1.) Make up plot cards for Tano & Kenobi. I want to have that fic plotted out so that I know exactly what I’m working towards. Writegowrite’s The World Undone was very meticulously planned out and while I’ll never be accused of over planning my work (hah!) I would like to be able to bring that level of forethought to the further adventures of our Time Traveling Space Daughter and her Tiny Padawan Sassy-Pants. I have some general ideas but I need to get it out of my head and see how it looks on paper.

2.) Edit, format and post the next chapter of Where Shall We Three Meet Again? Because I have a deep an abiding love for that fic. I feel like I walked that one right up to being interesting and we’re FINALLY going to get to watch an episode of Desire Before Dishonor! What is Desire Before Dishonor you ask? Only the BEST holodrama in the known galaxy! Podracer is a HUGE fan and he’s got quite the collection of merchandise. Also SATINE! I WANT THEM TO MEET SATINE DAMNIT! *cough*

3.) I need to sort through my extensive likes and start sorting them out to where they belong. There is no point in like a metric ton of images of Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen for “reference material” if I can’t search through them.

Also I have waaaay too many pretty dresses liked so I can’t ever find the inspiration I need.

4.) I got an ask once, wanting to know what all I have written and one day I am going to sit down, find every last blurb I’ve written and compile a master post. Also probably a Tano & Kenobi FAQ so that I have a place to direction repeat questions to. (i.e. When are you updating? 5:00 pm EST every Sunday unless I am dead, family emergency or I have met Ewan McGregor and spontaneously combusted.)

5.) Answer comments on AO3.

6.) ANSWER COMMENTS ON AO3.

7.) NO. SERIOUSLY. I NEED TO DO THIS. I HAVE SUCH SHAME. FORGIVE ME MY FABULOUS AND AMAZING READERS. I SWEAR I WILL GET TO YOU ALL. I refuse to be one of those people who doesn’t respond to comments. That’s not cool. I know how much that can take out of nervous, shy or anxious people. Believe it or not, I’m an introvert and I know how hard it is to reach out and engage and you deserve a thank you from me at the very least. You deserve more but I’m starting small and working from there. ^__^

8.) I’ve started some fan art of Anakin, Ahsoka and the three Obi-Wan’s (from We Three) and I would really like to finish those. Honestly I would love to have more time to draw but my commute is kind of a mess. =<

9.) Hang up some delicious Star Wars fan art I’ve purchased after I frame it.

10.) Get Started on Season 2 of Tano and Kenobi! ^___^b

Oh! BONUS!

Get Ahsoka, Anakin or one of our precious clone sons in Star Wars: Galaxy of Heroes. I know Anakin is probably like... a year away but damnit! WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HAVE ECHO GAME?? WHYYYYYY??? I mean Fives, Rex and Cody I understand but Echo??? COME ON!

EDIT: BONUS NUMBER 2!!!

I have to start cranking out some promised tumblr prompts and that give me a title and I’ll tell you what I would write meme! AIYAAAAAA! So much to do!