#I didnt really want to make the A'vi/Haurchefant stuff a canon thing because he really doesnt need another dead boyfriend

[avirael]

Random musings about A'vi that may or may not make sense...

I promised I would write down a bit of my thoughts on A'viloh's feelings and probably specifically about Haurchefants since that is a little vague in my writing.

But before we speak of Haurchefant me have to speak of A‘vi and we have to consider that his own mind is his own worst enemy sometimes. If there is a very unreasonable way to feel bad about a situation he can and will find that way!

In a way we also would have have to speak about his upbringing and about Laqa of course and weirdly enough also about Thancred, although most of the last is pretty much just some idea in A'vi's head.

Not only is A'vi still confused because of what Thancred did before they parted ways -even if he tries to ignore that- but of course he also still loves Laqa.

Laqa was always there als long as he remembers. A friend, a lover, but most important maybe a person he could rely on, someone who protected him. And also to be honest a person he could hide behind, a person that would make the difficult decisions so he wouldn’t need to.

A’vi wouldn’t ever admit it and it’s probably not even conscious but some part of him - the part that refuses to change, that fantasises of going back to how things used to be - has been trying to replace all of that ever since Laqa is gone.

In a way Rael fulfills these criteria too. Rael would fight for him, care for him, protect him, just like Laqa did. This is a big part of why A'vi is so focused on Rael, occassionally so much that it gets mistaken for being something romantic. But in contrast to Laqa, Rael would in the end not coddle him. They wouldn’t spare him the struggle, the heavy lifting, the difficult decision making. And of course ultimately Rael also isn't availabe or fitting as a love interest for A'vi. And while their friendship means the world to A'vi, I think in the end he still needs something more than that maybe...

So back to Thancred for a second, because i think A'vi is not in love with Thancred.

If he is in love with anything or anyone apart from Laqa at this point, then it’s with the idea of not feeling so damn lost and lonely anymore.

In a way maybe that means he could be in love with Thancred but he’s not really in love with the person and more with the idea what he could be for him.

He is entranced by his charming behaviour, of course. People being nice to him is one thing. Kindness alone is too foreign for him still. Apart from Laqa there weren’t many people who were nice to him, especially not in the same way Thancred or Haurchefant are.

But Thancred or Haurchefants flirting with him? He is helpless about that! And it keeps on happening and when it doesn’t he misses the attention maybe? Yes, maybe he has a little crush on either or both of them.

But also, there was this moment after Ifrit when Thancred made him feel understood. A’vi saw Thancred struggling. A similar fight. Feeling not good enough. Trying your best and still failing. Wanting nothing more than to be useful for someone. Trying to live up to some shadow that isn’t there anymore.

And later that feeling of not having control over your own life. The pain caused because of oneself. The guilt he can either live with or decide to die of. Preferably in some grand sacrifice. For a good cause. Maybe that’s all he would ever be good for.

Their coping mechanism couldn’t be more different of course but something about their struggles is so similar. Being not alone in their misery is such a tempting thing. As so is maybe, just maybe, being able to finally move forward. But the important thing in context to HW here is that after the whole Ifrit-thing, when A‘vi considered going on a date with Thancred, this idea was born out of his hope, and only that, to maybe be able to move on from that loss he experienced. And all the fawning about him later, when it was already very clear to him that Thancred wasn’t interested at all, was more A’vi making heart eyes at the idea of being able to be in love with someone else. The idea of being free - just like Thancred - seems so nice to him. Free to do what he wants, to love who he wants and all of that without being scared or feeling horrible about it. Because feeling horrible and guilty and selfish and treacherous simply for still being alive is buried so deep inside of him even though all he wants is to be happy.

To be honest, even if things had been different in either of these two cases (the „date“ and Thancred‘s „disinterest“), I am very sure A‘vi would have found a way to chicken out of it last second. It was never a real possibility, just an impossible thing, so it felt okay for him to dream about it.

With Haurchefant however this IS a real possibility! He is very clearly interested and seems honest enough about it. But while there’s this voice in Avi’s head that says “I want this”, there’s still this other one that says “I can’t! I don’t deserve this! I am a horrible person!“ He rejects Haurchefant because there is someone else on his mind and in his confusion he can’t even tell anymore if this is just one person or two.

So he doesn’t take this risk, all while he thinks he might honestly like Haurchefant. He is just not sure if this is in a friends-only way or if it could develop to be more.

You may say now that this spares him some pain when Haurchefant inevitably meets his fate in the end but exactly the contrary would be the case somehow. Not only does he feel unworthy and ungrateful that someone as kind as Haurchefant died for him because he loved him despite A‘viloh not being able to return these feelings. No he feels like he missed yet another chance! He realises that maybe there will always be hurt and it’s just a matter of how well you spent the time you have. He feels like his insecurities, his awkwardness, his doubt and fear of getting hurt always kept him from making the best out of what he is given, may it be with Laqa or anybody else - time not used as well as he could have.