#I didn't trust myself to get a actually nice picture

[rosepetalkitty]

oh boy tw for family trauma 🫠

yeah no that's. damn.

my dad only ever hit me once, and he probably doesn't remember it, but i do. i never told anyone because i didn't want him to get in trouble — he was always the parent who was less of a threat.

that's the only physical thing that ever happened (thank god) but there was a lot of other shit and moving away to uni really helped me realize that.

my mom would sit on my bed behind me while i worked on homework and shout at me if it seemed like i was falling asleep. she would keep me up until 1am some nights, and when she was tired and angry in the morning she would tell everyone it was my fault no matter how much i tried to say that i wanted her to just go to bed, that i didn't want to keep her up, that i was tired too... that started at the beginning 9th grade (during quarantine) and lasted until the beginning of 11th.

before that, in middle school (i was 12) when i first got a phone, she told me one of the expectations was that i would give her the password and let her go through it. i did give her the password, but even at that age i didn't really trust her, so i used another app to put a second password on my home screen. if you put it in wrong it took a photo of you and emailed it to me.

a few weeks later she told me she wanted to go through it, and i told her that was fine, but because it was past my bedtime she wouldn't let me stay up and sit with her while she did. i asked if we could do it in the morning so that we could go through it together, and she said that was fine. guess who woke up to an enraged mother and an email with a picture of her face in the morning...

i brought that one up in therapy four years later in response to her telling the therapist she didn't know why i didn't trust her, and she interrupted me to say, and i quote, "that was so long ago that it doesn't matter anymore." she then turned to the therapist to tell her about how when i was in middle school i wouldn't let her go through my phone "to make sure i was safe", and that that was evidence that the trust issues were my fault. the therapist just looked at me like 😬 and quickly moved on to the next topic. my mom now refuses to acknowledge that she ever said that.

in high school my parents always kinda treated me like a toddler. i wasn't allowed to leave the house unless it was with them because they didn't trust public transportation and our neighborhood wasn't safe to walk out of (giant road all around the perimeter). i didn't get to take a bus until i was 16, and that was only to the mall a few minutes from my house. it took until i was 17 to be able to actually go and hang out with my friends without her supervision or that of another parent who she would expect updates from.

now that im in uni living on my own, she takes every opportunity she can to berate me about my ability to take care of myself. ive been living alone for three months now and have been perfectly fine, doing what i can to get decent nutrition on a college campus that makes it somewhat difficult, and she argued with me about whether it was "responsible" to get a hamburger when she brought me to shake shack while was home to visit for a weekend. "you probably only eat stuff like this, anyways, order something healthy!"

and honestly, speaking of that trip, y'know what really showed me how much less stress i've been under in uni? having a nice brunch at a fancy-ish restaurant that we used to go to with my grandparents when i was little and being low-key appalled when my parents parents started having a not-so-quiet back and forth in which my mom was saying "oh you just think everything i say is wrong, just tell everyone that, be honest, this is ridiculous" over the fact that my dad had asked "hey just to make sure we did mean to get two orders of potatoes, right? just want to check before the server comes back in case that's too much."

those arguments were normal to me a few months ago. and they wonder why i don't tell them things...

(also for context, it's one of those places where two or three small plates is enough for one person and you share stuff, so he was counting up what we were planning to order to make sure we got the right amount — the answer was yes, everyone in the family loves those potatoes, and the second my brother said that my dad was like "oh cool okay, anyways-" before being cut off again by my mom going nuclear over being interrupted by my brother)

and also, final footnote before i post this, there is so much more. this is like. not the worst of my childhood. plus im not including anything from before i was like 12 because i don't remember any of it besides a couple snippets, so there's that...

[luna-loveboop]

THE MOON IS SO BIG TONIGHT

- hero-of-the-wolf

Djskfjidkejsdkg I saw it it was so cool!

I knew it was the solstice so spent a while looking at her while walking Stitch, my mum also pointed it out to me. The moon is so beautiful I love her.

The full moon of June's happening on the same day (ish) as the solstice which is rare- she's gonna be really pretty tonight and tomorrow too! Go look at the moon everybody, all this weekend she's gonna look fairly full. If it's cloudy I will flip some tables. but luckily I'm not in a big city with as much light pollution now so I'll probably be able to see her well :)

I love the moon :D

[avatar-anna]

Unknown Number

someone made a request about reader accidentally being given harry's number, but i accidentally deleted it, so if you requested it, here it is!

(the text chain will be from harry's point of view)

italics: y/n (unknown number)

bold: harry

Part Two

Part Three

Unknown Number (UN): heyy. i had a really good time the other night. maybe we could do it again sometime? xx (click to download image)

Harry Styles (HS): How did you get this number?

UN: you gave it to me?

UN: last night at the pub? marcus, right?

HS: No. You have the wrong number.

UN: is this a joke? are you fucking with me right now?

HS: No.

UN: oh my god

UN: i feel like such an idiot

UN: one of the first times a guy gives me his number at a bar and he gives me the wrong number

UN: probably on purpose too

UN: i should've known when he left his OWN APARTMENT the next morning but i was actually hopeful

UN: and now i've made an ass of myself here too. sorry to bother you i'll leave you alone. sorry again

(one hour later)

HS: It's okay. Sorry about that guy. Sounds like a jerk.

(twenty minutes later)

UN: it's fine, i guess

UN: i wasn't in love with him or anything but he could've had the decency of expressing his disinterest himself instead of hiding behind a fake number.

HS: That is quite a dick move.

HS: I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't expecting that text. I didn't open the picture either by the way.

UN: thank you. for a moment i was worried i was messaging a creep, but hopefully you're not a creep

UN: i mean you could be still and i'd have no idea

UN: maybe i should stop texting you

(ten minutes later)

HS: I'm not a creep.

UN: that's exactly what a creep would say

HS: I don't really know how to prove it to you. You're the one who sent me a photo of yourself half naked. You could be the creep.

UN: you said you didn't open it!

HS: I was trying to be polite!

UN: great now some 40 year old living in his parents basement has one of my nudes

HS: I'm not 40! And I don't live in my parents basement

UN: you text like an old man

HS: wuld u rather i txt like ths???

UN: no but i'm just saying i don't know many people my age who use proper punctuation in text messages

HS: Well I might not be your age, but I'm certainly not 40

UN: "certainly not." you're right. you sound like my grandpa

HS: I suddenly regret restarting a conversation with you

UN: you know despite the fact that you might be catfishing me, i've enjoyed this. i feel like i'm doing what all the other teen girls did in high school at sleepovers

HS: So you're out of high school.

UN: creep!

HS: You outed yourself, that's not on me.

UN: you...might be right

UN: can you tell me something about yourself to make it even? there's always a possibility that you could be lying and i have no reason to trust you, but...idk i feel like i can

HS: Well that's stupid.

HS: But I suppose since I've already seen you partially naked...

UN: i'm blocking your number

HS: My first name is H, and I'm 20 years old.

UN: h? just the letter h?

HS: You could be a creep too for all I know

UN: fair enough. i'm june

HS: Full name? Wow, you really are a dummy.

UN: don't get your 60 year old panties in a twist. it's a nickname

HS: June is a nickname?

HS: And I'm not 60.

UN: june. june bug. that's what the folks call me

HS: Folks? Now who sounds old?

UN: whatever

(thirty minutes later)

HS: Well, it was nice talking to you, June. June bug.

UN: you too h

(three days later)

June (J): you're a guy right?

HS: I'm sorry?

J: well when i first texted you i thought you were a guy, but you weren't THAT guy, so i have no idea

J: i just assumed but i thought i would ask

J: plus i need solicited guy advice and if you're not a creep i would really appreciate it

HS: We're back to me being a creep?

J: it's a risk every time i text you

J: so? are you a dude?

HS: Yes.

J: great! can i ask you something?

HS: Um...I guess...

J: ok. would you ever get offended if a woman covered their drink during a conversation with you?

HS: I'm not following...

J: like say we're at a bar and we're talking and i turn my head away for some reason but i put my hand over my drink until i look back at you to prevent it from being spiked. would you be offended by that?

HS: No. Why?

J: see? i don't think that's unreasonable. some loser got mad at me for doing that. well EXCUSE ME for not immediately trusting the guy i matched with on tinder

J: who was not as cute in real life i might add

HS: You don't have the best taste in guys.

J: that is not advice!

HS: Okay, here's my advice: don't swipe right on guys who have mirror selfies in their profile.

J: ...

J: ok fair enough but it's not like prince charmings are falling from the sky. it's hard out here

HS: I'm sure.

J: what you don't have the same problem?

HS: I don't really date.

J: in like a douchey way? are you one of those guys who say they just fuck?

HS: I just don't have time for dating, I guess.

J: so no special someone?

HS: No.

(four hours later)

HS: If you asked for advice, does that mean I can too?

(one hour later)

J: sorry i was at work

J: and i don't see why not

HS: What do you think about guys who wear skinny jeans?

J: hm...i think styled right it could be nice

J: YSL is kind of pushing the whole skinny jeans and chelsea boots thing which might eventually trickle down to the losers i match with on tinder so...why not? i say dress how you want

J: any guy who has a good sense of style is sexy to me

J: sorry if that wasn't the answer you were looking for

HS: Yes and no. I've been experimenting with different styles. Sometimes I get a little in my head about it.

J: doesn't everyone?

HS: I guess you're right.

HS: Do you follow fashion shows and things like that?

HS: That's not too personal, is it?

J: no, but it's kind of embarrassing

HS: Not as embarrassing as sending a complete stranger a picture of yourself in your bra

J: harsh...but fair

J: fashion is kind of my religion

J: i'm trying to become a stylist. keyword trying

HS: That's cool!

J: tell that to my family

HS: they don't support you?

J: nope! but i'm gonna do it anyway!

HS: Do you have a favorite designer?

J: it kinda depends on the year and who was creative director at the time, but the first time i got my hands on vintage vivienne westwood i was hooked

J: you?

HS: I'm just starting to explore the fashion world I guess you could say.

J: well lucky for you i happen to be a bit of an encyclopedia when it comes to house codes

HS: House codes?

J: oh boy. i hope you're comfortable. we might be here a while

(two days later)

HS: Have you ever had rumors spread about you?

J: i don't think so

J: oh wait! in eighth grade this girl in my class told everyone i made out with a boy at the school dance which was NOT true

J: it was just a peck

HS: Naughty.

J: it was harmless. why do you ask?

HS: There's a rumor going around about me. It's just frustrating when people actually believe it. sometimes it gets to the point where i start to believe it myself.

J: i'm sorry. i won't pry or anything, but i know what it feels like to not be understood

HS: I just hate the feeling of being under a microscope. It's exhausting. I feel like my life isn't my own sometimes.

J: that sucks

J: sorry that was in no way helpful, but i don't really know what to say. is there someone you can talk to about this?

HS: ...

J: oh! i actually feel kind of honored

J: well, obviously i don't know the whole situation, but maybe try and surround yourself with people who don't scrutinize you so much?

HS: Easier said than done.

J: true but i think if you have a solid group of people who know you and understand you and like you for who you are, it's easier to deal with things like rumors and being under the proverbial microscope, you know?

J: and don't be afraid to get rid of the toxic people in your life! it's not easy but you'll be better off in the long run

HS: sometimes it's hard to tell who's toxic and who's not

J: start with the people who would never believe a rumor about you, or the ones who would never START one about you

HS: Well said, June Bug.

J: thanks! maybe i should entertain a career in counseling

(one month later)

HS: Why June Bug?

J: i was born in the summer. it was a nickname my grandparents gave me. been called that ever since

HS: That's sweet.

J: there are worse nicknames i suppose. i have a cousin that got stuck with chip because he used to stuff his face like a chipmunk when he was little

HS: Yikes.

J: you're telling me

(three weeks later)

J: have you ever danced alone in your bedroom to stevie nicks?

HS: Have you?

J: i have, and can i just say she does NOT get enough credit as a songwriter?

HS: Edge of Seventeen?

J: edge of seventeen

J: i went on a date last week with a guy who had the AUDACITY to call her music mediocre

HS: You didn't see him again did you?

J: ...

HS: June!

J: just once! and only because he had really nice hands

HS: I don't get how that would make you stay with a stevie hater...

J: REALLY nice hands ;)

HS: You disappoint me sometimes.

J: ;))))

(fifteen minutes later)

J: hey you never answered my question about dancing in your room!

HS: ...No comment...

(one week later)

J: you ever been in love, h?

HS: I can't say that I have. Have you?

J: no ://

J: i think i want it too much. i've always just been in love with the idea of falling in love, you know?

J: but the reality isn't what i thought it would be

HS: I'm sorry.

HS: It probably won't help but I'm sure you'll find someone. You seem like a great person. Anyone would be lucky to be with you.

J: aw h you're making me blush!

HS: But perhaps you should stop looking for love on a hookup app

J: annnd good feeling gone

(two weeks later)

HS: Guess who has two thumbs and got invited to Paris Fashion Week!

J: no fair!

J: and that joke doesn't work if i can't see you point to yourself. it doesn't work period

HS: I will let that slide because I know you're just jealous.

J: are you kidding me? OF COURSE i'm jealous! i can't believe you get to see Alessandro Michele's work up close

HS: Who?

J: don't think because we only communicate through text that i can't strangle you

HS: Relax. I'm only joking.

HS: Alessandro is a friend ;))

(ten minutes later)

J: sorry i just had to scream into my pillow

J: what exactly do you do again?

HS: I told you. I work in the industry.

J: but that could mean anything! the cosmetics industry, the movie industry, the meat packing industry...

HS: Meat packing?

J: you know what i mean!

HS: I do a lot of PR.

J: see. that wasn't so hard now was it?

HS: Can I go back to gloating?

J: only if you promise to give me a full report afterwards you go to all the shows

HS: Deal.

(four days later)

HS: Favorite movie?

J: that's hard...

J: it's probably cliche but the devil wears prada

HS: Good choice.

J: what about you?

HS: The Notebook.

J: really?

HS: Yes. Why?

J: do you say that to impress girls or because it's actually your favorite?

HS: Would you rather I have said a film with lots of car chases?

J: no

J: but i went out with a guy who was a film major once

HS: Is that a bad thing?

J: let's just say it won't be happening again

J: he thought he was superior for disliking popular movies. i hate that

HS: Well, I love The Notebook and I love Ryan Gosling

J: now THAT is something we can agree on!

(six weeks later)

J: BIG NEWS

J: LIKE HUGE

J: GROUNDBREAKING

HS: And here I was thinking you forgot about me.

J: i texted you yesterday

HS: You asked me if my dick could move on its own.

J: a legitimate question! i nearly had a heart attack when i saw it in person

J: but i was also weirdly fascinated. my question was purely scientific!

HS: You said you had news?

J: right!

(twenty minutes later)

HS: Are you making me wait to create anticipation?

J: no sorry i got a phone call.

J: i got my first real gig as a stylist

HS: That's great! Congratulations!

J: thanks

HS: You don't sound excited anymore. What happened to all caps?

J: my mother happened

HS: Still not on board, then?

J: she told me it was a waste of time and that i should get a real job

HS: You're still gonna take it though right?

J: i don't know. maybe she's right. the pay is less than ideal. more like i'm being paid in experience, and it's not the clientele i was imagining...

HS: But it's a foot in the door, right? That's something.

J: i guess

HS: Make connections. Get good references. And who knows, you might actually enjoy yourself.

J: you're right.

J: it's for some up and coming band that's going on tour. pretty sure i was what they could afford

HS: Don't sell yourself short. You're gonna do great.

J: thanks. i hardly even know you and you're currently my biggest supporter

HS: What happened to Bill?

J: ancient history

HS: What was wrong with him? He seemed nice.

J: yeah

J: his girlfriend thought so too.

HS: On behalf of all men: Sorry. We truly are the worst.

J: agreed. what about you? still single?

HS: Yes, though people keep trying to set me up on dates.

J: the horror!

HS: Ha ha

HS: I just want to meet someone on my own terms.

J: i get that

J: i just want to meet someone who's actually a decent human being

HS: I'll be on the lookout.

(three weeks later)

J: i think i've decided that tour life is not for me

HS: oh?

J: yeah. sitting on a bus for hours and hours with only myself to keep me company? no thanks

HS: it can't just be you on the bus can it?

J: no but i have a hard time making friends right away. and a lot of the crew for this tour are older than me

HS: are your clients nice at least?

J: yeah. one of them tried to hit on me, which i guess i should take as a compliment, but i am on the clock. no flirting for me

HS: a professional then. or are you not into the musician type?

J: not sure. i haven't dated one before

J: i told you that the other day

HS: right. must've slipped my mind

HS: but back to taste in men. is it all about looks for you or do you like funny guys?

HS: are you the type to sleep with someone on the first date? because i feel like that's very telling about a girl

J: who is this?

HS: what do you mean? it's me

J: it's not. you're not texting like a middle aged woman and you're acting like a total ass

HS: Sorry. I thought I'd try something new. And I was just curious. Can't blame a guy for asking right? You did send some guy you barely knew a picture of yourself

HS: It was very wholesome by the way. Maybe try a little more skin next time and you'll get the response you want. You can practice here if you'd like.

J: oh my god

HS: What?

J: this was a mistake. i'm such an IDIOT

J: was this some kind of prank?

J: whoever you are, you're sick

J: don't text me again

HS: June, I'm so sorry. That was my friend he was just being stupid.

HS: Last time I leave my phone anywhere.

HS: June?

HS: June please.

HS: That wasn't me I swear!

HS: I'm sorry.

(three weeks later)

HS: Day 21 of trying to get you to respond.

HS You probably blocked me which is fine. I don't blame you.

HS: But if you DO happen to read these and are just ignoring me...

HS: I'm sorry. Again. For like the millionth time.

J is typing...

HS: June?

J: i should've blocked you

HS: Why didn't you?

J: because as insane as it sounds, you've become a close friend

HS: I feel the same. I'm really sorry about before. I swear it was one of my mates. I would never say something like that.

J: that's what makes this whole thing crazy! i don't actually know you, so how do i know if i can trust you?

HS: I mean you even noticed that he wasn't texting like me. I would never ask you questions like that, June. I never have.

HS: And I do NOT text like a middle aged woman by the way

J: i guess that's true

J: i think it just doubled down the fact that we don't actually know each other. this whole thing is ridiculous if you think about it too long. it gives me a headache sometimes.

J: i know we've joked about it but...this could be potentially dangerous

HS is typing...

HS: I could send you a voice note.

J: you would do that?

HS: You're right. This whole thing is ridiculous but...I don't know, I trust you, and I consider you a friend.

J: a friend you say?

HS: That's all I'm willing to admit for one day

J: and what about tomorrow?

HS is typing...

HS (voice recording): Maybe tomorrow I'll admit a little more.

(one day later)

Y/n hated how much her stomach flipped every time her phone pinged with a new message.

It was so reckless and dangerous and utterly ridiculous. She didn't know who H was, she didn't even know what time zone he lived in, and yet she felt like she knew him.

And after hearing his deep voice—deep British voice—on the voice recording, Y/n determined that he wasn't some creep in his forties like she'd originally thought.

Since sending that voice recording, they'd sent each other messages like that all night. And by all night she meant all night. They stayed up late sending voice recordings back and forth. It was the longest conversation they'd held to date, which was surprising considering that they often missed each other during certain hours. Just based on what hours of the day they texted the most, Y/n figured H lived somewhere in Europe, which gave her peace of mind considering he couldn't exactly kidnap her if he was a whole ocean away. But the last couple weeks their schedules seemed to be lining up, though Y/n chalked it up to all the traveling she'd been doing lately.

One thing she was certain of was that she adored H's voice. It was soft and deep, but got raspier the longer they spoke. And at times he would whisper in his messages, like he had to keep his voice down. The hushed tones made her shiver.

Y/n didn't call H, and he never offered. But she wanted to, boy did she want to. No matter how terrifying that thought was. A full-fledged phone call seemed more...real to Y/n. With the messages, she and H were still in their little bubble. It was stupid, but she needed that bit of separation. She was becoming attached to someone she'd never met.

Walking through the halls of a stadium in Canada, Y/n pulled up past conversations with H. It was too embarrassing to admit to anyone out loud, but she felt like she really knew him. He was endearing, had a silly sense of humor, had good taste in music, and was honest. Well, as honest as either of them could be. Outside of the one slip up with H's friend, Y/n believed what he said to her over text. Maybe that made her naive, but their conversations were legit. He felt like a friend, and she knew he felt similarly.

Maybe tomorrow I'll admit a little more.

Y/n had no idea what that could mean. She of course knew what she wanted it to mean, but what she wanted rarely ever lined up with reality.

Y/n looked up from her phone to make sure she didn't pass the right door. The one in front of her read, Harry Styles in big bold lettering. She quickly hurried past and continued down the hall to where the dressing room for Five Seconds of Summer was.

Harry Styles was a bit of an enigma. Even though she was on the same tour as him and One Direction, Y/n hardly ever saw him. And when she did, his nose was always in his phone, completely closed off to the world around him. He just had this vibe that said, "don't talk to me," and Y/n received that message loud and clear. The Five Seconds of Summer boys seemed to get on with all the members of One Direction, but Y/n usually made herself scarce whenever they came by the dressing room, for no other reason than too much testosterone in one room.

"You want to come out after the show, Harry?" Y/n heard one of the boys ask. Michael.

"Um...No. I think I'll have to pass tonight, boys. Sorry."

"What? Big date tonight?"

"Something like that."

Y/n felt frozen to the linoleum floor. She knew that voice. She'd spent all night listening to that voice.

"Holy shit."

[pinkthrone445]

~Partner in crime~ Part 2

Part 1 Part 3

Pairing:Melissa Schemmenti x Reader

Gender:soft, cute, young Melissa, friends to lovers, slow burn

Warnings:I don't think so

Summary :When they send you to work back in your home town, you start to recall all your memories from your teen years involving the redhead.

-"Soooo..."-the redhead looked at you squinting her eyes to see you better in the middle of the night-"why all your family are assholes? I was able to hear from across the street their screams after you came back from my house... Are you okay?" - she asked and you saw a sincere worry in her eyes. You nodded with your mouth full of the ice cream that she brought to your roof-"I need more than that... I will tell you a secret if you tell me how you truly feel, deal?" - You thought for a minute about what she proposed and nodded again eating more ice cream-"Okey... My secret is, that I actually came here to check if you were okay, no to get away from my siblings to eat that ice cream by myself... If that would have been my true reason, I would have lost because you are eating all of it"-she joked looking how much ice cream you ate and you laughed a little embarrassed

-"They just scream at me because I'm the black sheep of the family I guess... I'm the one that doesn't fit in in their lifes and they make sure I feel that every day. They have their perfect family between her, my dad and their kids and I just don't belong there, I've tried to, but they don't want me here"-You muttered and Mel looked at you with intensity. If there was one thing you hadn't gotten to know in these few hours with her, it was how good she was at reading people, and even though what you said was true, she was able to see that you were hiding a lot of it.

-"Their kids? Those assholes are your dad's kids too?"-she found new information in the way that you were talking

-"Yeah..."-you simply said and she frowned

-"I know we just meet, but you can trust me... Maybe talking will make you feel better" - she put a comforting hand on your knee smiling softly at you, and you could felt the warm through your clothes. You signed and stared at the ice cream that was in your hands. The night was a little bit warm and her hand too, but the cold from the ice cream and the chill breeze gave you a nice contrast on the palms of your hands sending a little chill through your body. All of that, the warm night, the cold breeze, her soft smile, the quiet of the night, the high of the house and her soft voice made you feel at peace and safe, safe enough to trust a almost completely stranger

-"Dad used to be a truck driver, for years he led a double life, he had two houses in different places, two cars, two wives and two families... Mom and I were the spare ones, mom was only his fiancé and my stepmother was married to him long before we appeared on the picture. He had a son with her, after two years, I was born in the other house with my mother, and a year after I was born, he had another son with his wife. My mother was very sick and when we found out that he had another family, she did not have enough strength to resist the news and died. I wanted to stay and live with my grandmother, but she was in a nursing home, and although I offered to take care of her if they let me take her home, the state didn't allowed it because I was a minor... So I had to live with my dad and his other family because my dad's wife forgave him after she found that that my mom died... That's why they hate me, because I'm a living and waking reminder of my dad's affairs"-You said taking a even bigger spoon of ice cream than before. Melissa stared at your face, she didn't know what she was waiting for you to tell her, but it certainly wasn't that.

-"Wow... I'm sorry... I..." - she was trying to find something to say

-"It's okay... I'm about to turn 17, just a few more months after that to turn 18 and I will be able to go live on my own" - You answer finishing the ice cream

-"You can come to my house whenever you need or want, my nana and mom really loved you and they couldn't stop talking about what a nice girl you are" - she said trying to confort you and you smiled softly at her.

After that night, many more moments together came and you could no longer imagine or remember what your life was like without her presence.

You eating at her house became a regular thing and her family treated you as if you were one of them, even when the redhead was not there, they still invited you to dinner or movie night. The weeks began to pass quickly and before you knew it, summer vacation was over and it was time to start at your new school, while you were nervous about that new beginning, knowing that Melissa and some of her siblings would be there calmed your anxiety a bit.

-"Do you have everything ready for tomorrow?" - she asked sitting on your bed eating some chips

-"Yes, I was thinking about using some jeans and a open green shirt over a black muscle, what do you think?" - You asked showing her the hanger with the clothes

-"I think it's really cute... Hey, that green shirt isn't mine? I thought Marie had took it..."-she asked narrowing her eyes to you

-"It's yours, you forgot it that time you stayed here to sleep while my parent were traveling with my brothers, remember? Now it's mine" - You put the clothes back in the closet before she could take it from your hands

-"It's okay... It will probably look better on you than me" - she said and went to your bathroom to wash her hands-"I have to go home to sleep before it gets more late, see you tomorrow?" - The redhead opened your window ready to go outside and climb the tree down. You stared at her, the thought of going to that new school made you more nervous than you wanted to admit

-"Mel?" - she looked at you-"Can you stay tonight with me? I'm too nervous to sleep alone..."-your voice was weak and that broke her heart, she smiled and closed the window

-"Of course, we can't allow you to spend your first day of school without having slept well... Lend me some sleepwear" - she said quickly taking off the things she was wearing.

That night, the redhead wrapped her arms around you, whispering some jokes and sweet things to calm your nerves until you could fall asleep.

Mel and you were only friends, very good ones, or that's what you thought until the next day when school began.

As soon as the day began, Melissa, her siblings and you, all went together while the redhead drove. The day started with a guided tour of the school and some simple classes with repeated introductions mentioning your name, where you came from and the things you liked.

It wasn't until lunchtime that you saw Melissa's siblings again, they invited you to eat with them when they saw you wandering around the yard looking for a place to sit.

While you were eating the limited options offered by the cafeteria and wondering where the redhead was, you saw her enter the lunch court next to a boy, although she was also with other classmates, he was closer to her than everyone else. Apparently your brow furrowed more than usual as Marie immediately began to explain who was he

-"That's Larry... And her other school friends...he likes Melissa and everyone knows it, they don't date because Mel hasn't said yes, but she doesn't say no either, so he keeps wandering around her until the day when she finally say yes... He is a nice guy but a little pusher, he give us chocolate and stuff trying to get our approval and hoping that we will tell nice stuff about him to Mel, hopefully that what we say will help her change her mind quicker, but we only eat the stuff and don't say anything to her"-The younger sister explained eating some stuff of her plate.

Your eyes were fixed on the redhead, barely listening to what her sister was saying. Melissa was a beautiful woman, an amazing body and her always perfect red hair, and in addition to being perfect physically, she had incredible intelligence and was very funny. It wasn't surprising that she had tons of guys behind her... It didn't surprise you, but it did bother you... Why?

You were lost in thought when someone blocked the light coming from the window, when you looked up, the redhead was in front of you and next to her the annoying and insistent Larry. Melissa sat next to you smiling and Larry looked at you hoping that you would move a little so that he could take a place next to the redhead

-"How is your first day going hon?... Can you move a little bit so Larry can sit with us, please?"-she asked pushing you lightly with her hip. She wanted to make room for him on her other side, but you understood that what she wanted was for you to get farther from her so he could sit between you two, and that hurt, you didn't knew why, but it hurt more that it should have and you started to feel a lump in your throat

-"Don't worry, I'm not that hungry anymore to finish what I had, I will use the free time to go around and see the school" - You said getting up from the table and taking your tray of food, leaving your table and seat free for the insistent guy that quickly sat down on your place.

Melissa looked at you in confusion as you left the food hall without looking back.

On the way home you were very quiet and decided to sit in the back seat instead of being her co-pilot as you had been in the morning.

At dusk the redhead came to see you at your house since you were acting very strange since the school day started , but your father told her that you felt a little under the weather and that you had gone to bed without eating. Without giving up, she said goodbye to your father and climbed the tree until she reached your window. After insistent knocks without response, she entered your room since part of the window was open, but she did not find you there, so she decided to climb to the roof. Finding you finally lying on the ceiling, looking up at the sky in silence. Quietly, she sat next to you, looking at your face and discovering how lost and sad your gaze looked

-"Hey kiddo... I brought you some lasagna..." - she looked at you but you didn't looked back at her

-"How did you knew I was here?"-You asked, looking at the starts very lost

-"You always come here when you get sad or need space... What is going on? Someone did something to you at school? Tell me who and I will kill them" - she always said stuff like that, you didn't knew if she was capable of that, but you weren't trying to find out. Sighing you turned to look at her

-"I just miss my mom and nana... That's all... I wish they were here to help me with my head and thouths... It was a weird first day" -you said really low and she frowned

-"I know you miss them... And I know it's not the same, but you are not alone, I'm here to help too, what is going on? What are you feeling?" - she said worried and you sighed again

-"This school is very diferent, everything is different and I feel so out of place... There were so many people and you seemed to have many friends... They seem really interested in you, specially Larry... I mean, I get it, you are really pretty, but he seemed to be invading your personal space a lot... What I'm trying to say is... I... I thought that today we were going to spend more time together, but you seemed really interested in other people and that shocked me a little... You are my safe space and it was hard being away and alone..."-You were talking a little weird, like trying to choose carefully your words. Mel though you had jealousy because she drag attention of other people, she didn't knew it was jealousy because you actually liked her... Or maybe it was jealousy and fear, you weren't so sure about what you were feeling honestly

-"Hey... I won't let you alone because I have other friends, I promise... Also it's okay to have another friends and you will find new ones too, but not matter what, at the end of the day, in this roof, we will always find each other. Okay?.. I promise"-she talked softly trying to help you feel better, but her answers only raised more questions inside you

-"Mel?" - You whispered and she raised her eyebrows paying attention to you- "have you ever been in love?-your question took her by surprise and she took a few minutes to think about it

-"I had a few dates and one boyfriend, but I don't know if that was love, I didn't liked him that much... But mom always says that love comes in many forms, that love makes you feel safe, happy... Sometimes it also hurts and makes you cry. But it makes you feel alive and it's worth living, if it hurts you, you learn and if it makes you happy, it gaves you reasons to live... Why? Do you like someone? Who is it?"-she looked at you really interested

-"I don't know yet... I never felt like this before, sometimes I feel sad and sometimes happy and sometimes my tummy hurts..." - you said looking at her eyes, those where the most beautiful eyes you have seen in your whole life

-"Maybe it's gas" - she joked and you laughed-"That's the smile I missed... Look, I don't know how loves feels or what to do with it, but I will help you with everything I can and I promise to always have food to make your tummy happy again, okay?" - she asked hugging you and you nooded smiling, hiding in her neck, feeling happy and calmer. You didn't knew it yet, but years later you realized that by that time you were already in love with her, but you didn't knew what love was or how it felt, so while you were trying to figure your feelings for her, you decided to stay by her side, having those safe moments on the top of the house eating her delicious food and making each other laugh.

[shinidamachu]

inukag was born to be shipped by me and I was born to ship inukag as well

For ages now I've been meaning to write about the reasons why I ship Inukag as fervently as I do and @inukag-week felt like the perfect opportunity to indulge myself, so here we go.

I want to start with how aesthetically pleasing they are. From their perfect size difference to the complimentary color scheme of their outfits plus contrasting hair and eye colors, Inuyasha and Kagome just look absolutely good together.

Their character design makes it clear from the get go that they're visually a great match. The association is so strong that the audience becomes unable to picture one without the other, as if they're two halves of the same item. Different, yet unequivocally a team, a pair.

Decades ago, they already had that classic quality to them and I bet they'd never get out of style even decades from now. And the rich lore that surrounds the pairing only adds to that aesthetic: the well, the tree, the beads, the robe, the sword, all of it enhances how iconic they are. Even something as ordinary as star gazing becomes uniquelly theirs.

Futhermore, I just absolutely love the entire concept of it. The subvertion of the fairy tale archetype, the idea of a love that transcends time, of soulmates who actually work on building their bond. Loving each other was both inevitable and a choice they made every single day.

Inuyasha and Kagome were just two teenagers from different worlds — literally and figurativelly — discovering together what love was. This made their relationship very compelling, because the excange between them is insanely substancial.

And their overall dynamic is so wholesome. There was a push and pull, a give and take, that made it fluid rather than static. Every single milestone felt organic and kept the audience thirsting for the next one.

Nothing felt forced or rushed. The slow burn was competently written to showcase their relationship being build on a very strong foundation, consistent in intimacy, mutual trust and acceptance — recurring themes for them and for the story — and so the stages of their bond had such a natural pace, it highlighted how genuine and healthy it was.

Consequently, there are so many aspects of their connection to explore. There's a never ending room for angst and for light hearted moments and you can adopt a more mature perspective or go for comical instead: they manage to be versatile without being generic and to embod the best clichés in fiction without becoming one themselves.

It's hard to think of a trope they couldn't pull off or an alternate universe that doesn't work for them. It gives the fandom plenty of freedom to be creative and to have the best time with it.

Plus, their chemistry was off charts. The romantic tension bleed through every single interaction. Their passion is so strong you could feel it even in scenes that had nothing to do with romance. And they didn't even need to kiss to achieve that level of synchrony.

They were also compatible. Inuyasha and Kagome balance each other quite nicely. Even in a relationship, they still keep their individualities and remain interesting both as characters and as a ship.

The very thing that dooms most pairings — opposite personalities — is precisely what keeps them together. Inuyasha and Kagome are completely different from each other, but they're actually extremely similar where it actually matters: their morals and goals.

And they longer they stay together, challenging one another, growing through trials and tribulations, inadvertently learning what each other's needs are and fulfilling them, easing each other's sorrows, covering each other's backs, saving each other's lives in every possible way, learning each other and learning with one another, the more their dichotomy turns into a duality, because they gain a more nuanced perspective of themselves, of each other and of the world.

It's a level of understanding, closeness and respect incredibly difficult to match. And for Inuyasha and Kagome, no one else even came close.

Another thing is that they're not just complementary to each other, but to the story itself. Their romance enhaces the overall plot. It has a structural placement in the wider narrative, strengthening its core themes and fulfilling the characters individual arcs, ultimately resulting in a more compelling journey.

So many romances are disposable to their own story, but Inukag was detrimental to theirs. Inuyasha and Kagome's interactions served as pivotal points of their respective arcs. Taking only the narrative into consideration, their relationship holds a lot of weight and greatly influenced everyone around it and it tied everything together.

That's why their happy ending felt so satisfying: it feels earned because everything went full cycle. All of that symbolism, all of those parallels paid off. Anything different from what we got would simply lack narrative and thematic cohesion.

And even if they didn't end up together, they could never be circumstancial. There was a real reason why they met, a reason why the fell in love and why they had ever lasting impacts on each other's lives regardless. It wasn't just love for love's sake.

This is what makes them, in my opinion, an epic ship.

BONUS: their soundtrack is lit and their quotes are simply legendary.

[controlmyfeet]

i still feel everything when you are near - matty healy

matty healy x ex!reader

angst

warnings: exes, alcohol consumption, insecurities, jealousy (kinda?), pining, kissing, crying (lmk if there’s more i need to add!)

a/n: not sure about this. i think the last time i tried to write fanfiction i was 13, so feedback is appreciated but pls be nice lol. also, english is not my first language!

3570 words

it still hurts. 

i didn't think it would hurt as much after 6 months, but seeing him in the flesh makes me realize it does. i thought i was already used to it, thought i was actually doing a good job moving on, if we ignore my slump in the first 3 weeks after the breakup, where i would just leave the house for work and groceries (that i would overbuy because i forgot i'd just cook for myself), i think i was doing pretty okay.

i should've guessed he would be in the city. he can't stay in one place for too long; if he has a few days free in between shows, he's going to look for a studio to work in. usually in london, los angeles, or here. most of the time, he ends up here.

but i never know where he is anymore.

i deleted twitter from my phone after 2 months. maybe because of the questions, perhaps because i didn't care, or maybe i was tired of reading all the tabloids and fearing they were true. maybe i care too much. whatever, right? it just means i haven't seen him in a while, even in pictures.

i'm sitting by the dark wooden bar counter when i first spot him. he's standing with charli and george in the vip section near the dj booth, surrounded by people as always. my friends noticed that he's here too, but they haven't said anything, which i'm grateful for. i'd rather pretend it doesn't affect me.

he looks different, though. his arms are bigger, and his hair is longer; soft curls fall over big brown eyes that crinkle whenever george says something funny. he still has that boyish smile.

lulu and bea went dancing and i said i'd join them in a minute. we go to this club every time we're in the city, but tonight it is more crowded than usual. my secluded spot at the bar being the only place i won't be pushed around. still, i feel bad. it's my best friend's birthday, and we came to new york together to celebrate, but instead, i'm drowning my sorrows with cosmos. 

"you won't even say hi now?" i hear matty's voice from behind me and turn around, startled. he stands tall and confident as always, but his eyes no longer hold the same energy. here, up close, i can see that his eyebags look more prominent, and his stubble has grown slightly. he looks tired. i don't think i look any better.

"hi," i say, looking into his brown orbs, phlegmatic, as if the butterflies in my stomach aren't going batshit crazy right now "i didn't see you, sorry."

he grins cheekily, "it's alright, darling."

i don't really know what to say. he should hate me, honestly. it wouldn't be surprising considering how we left things, with all the yelling, name calling. with all the broken picture frames. it started with another rumor while he was on tour, another leaked picture. he was so dismissive and vague about it that i just couldn't find it in myself to trust him, and he could only complain about how childish all of it was.

i guess he doesn't, though. they have free drinks inside the vip section. i remember it from when we came here together. he doesn't need to come all the way to the bar for a drink.

"it-it's good to see you," i stutter, apprehensive now. fearing that maybe he really does hate me, and just walked over to tell me how much so. i mean, i would hate him, too, if i could. but no matter how hard i try, i can't. and believe me, i've tried.

matty is standing so close that the loud music sounds muffled now, and the warm, dim light of the bar reflecting on his silky skin makes me want to melt into his arms. so i try to keep my eyes focused on my feet.

he seems to notice that i'm struggling as i fidget with my empty glass.

"can i get you another one?" he asks amicably. my eyes shift from my feet to the glass in my hands and back to his eyes.

"sure," i reply shyly.

he asks a bartender polishing wine glasses next to us for another cosmopolitan. behind the man, shelves from the same material as the counter hold a collection of glass bottles of different colors with labels sporting french and italian names. matty sits on the barstool beside mine. "so…what are you doing here in new york? i thought you hated the city this time of the year." 

and it's true, i hate new york during the summer. the concrete buildings seem to make the temperature much higher, and tourists crowd every corner. it feels claustrophobic. the subway also smells extra bad during these months. but i loved being here with him, no matter the season. i loved being anywhere with him.

"well, yeah. but it's lulu's birthday, and she wanted to celebrate it here, so here we are. the three of us." 

"bea is here too?"

"she is, yeah."

him talking about my friends is familiar. many sunday evenings were spent on his couch sharing a bottle of red with my newest candle burning on the side. at the same time, i'd tell him about the most recent gossip in my friend group, and he would listen.

the barman places the new drink before me and takes the empty glass. i thank him and take a sip of the pink liquid. it's sweet and sour, and the vodka calms my nerves a little bit. he's staring at my lips. so i lick them clean.

he shifts, and suddenly, i feel his calloused fingertips brush against my elbow resting comfortably over the counter. much more tender than last time; my skin burns where he touches it.

"how's your writing going?" he asks, looking into my eyes now.

i tell him i'm still at the magazine, it's going alright. not a lot has changed since we broke up. but it's less exciting, more monotonous. i leave that part out. and he asks me about my own stuff, poems and essays hidden in my drafts.

it's just awkward small talk. so awkward. like we're just acquaintances. friends of friends being left alone, being civil to each other.

it's also a conversation we've had before. documents on my computer that weren't fitting enough for the editors or that i just wrote on a whim. he used to tell me to publish them either way, to leave the magazine and find people who actually appreciate my work, or to start my own thing. but it would be useless; they're not good enough.

"well, i don't know, it's been a while since i've written anything out of work." i take another sip, just to calm down a little. "haven't felt very inspired lately." 

oh my god, shut up– i can't say this to my ex. it's embarrassing, pitiful.

"it happens." he takes my hand and brushes his thumb over my knuckles. i still shiver "you're really talented, love. you should be proud of yourself. i am."

even his praise hurts now; i miss hearing it daily. it's a stab in my chest, salt on the wound. so i just bite my lip and nod. afraid that if i say something, a choked sob will come out. 

there's longing in his eyes, and he gets a look like he wants to say more. but his gaze flickers behind me for a moment, and he drops my hand and gives my left shoulder a squeeze, showing me a soft smile. 

"i'll leave you be, then. it was nice seeing you, love."

there's a voice in the back of my head begging me to make him stay, but i know i can't do that, not when i recall why it ended the way it did. still, i want to reach for his hand and pull him back to me, just for a few minutes at least. but someone grips my shoulders.

"there you are!" lulu says excitedly, already a few drinks ahead of me. her dark blonde hair messy and her skin glimmering with sweat from all the dancing. bea follows right behind her. "c'mon, let's do some shots, you need to power up for all the dancing you owe me."

"alright." i force a giggle and down my drink as bea asks the bartender for three tequila shots.

a few minutes and many shots later, the three of us are on the dance floor, swaying wildly to the loud, thumping bass of whatever music the dj's playing. just being around my girls makes me feel less anxious, and the flashing lights, plus all the alcohol already flowing through my body are making my mind a bit hazy, which helps me let loose a little. 

as i move, i can feel the beat of the music inside my chest, sweaty bodies pushing against me without a care. i even forget about matty for a minute. i don't think about how his hands used to feel on me when we danced together, not at all.

we dance for maybe 30 minutes. until lulu finds one of her many ex-flings, and, as they catch up, bea asks me to go to the bathroom with her. taking my hand, she leads me out of the crowded area and towards the door labeled "ladies' room". 

the contrast from the mostly dark club to the bathroom's white walls makes my eyes squint. it's colder in here, quieter. i can hear the stifled bass from the music and high heels clicking against the floor tiles.

as i wait for bea, i brace myself on the sink in front of me and look into the mirror. everything is happening too fast. talking to matty, downing shots, and being dragged to the dance floor immediately. my head is pounding. i didn't have the time to process what is going on tonight. 

my ears are ringing, and it feels like all the alcohol has suddenly lost all its effect. instantly sobering up, i grab a paper towel and dab it on my arms and face to try to get rid of the sweat. turning on the sink, i wet my hands and place them on the back of my neck to cool down and try to help with the dizziness. i hear the toilet flush, and bea comes out of the cubicle, running her hands through her wavy black hair. i reach into my purse and pull out my lipgloss, coating my lips evenly while looking at myself in the mirror.

"i'm going to the back for a bit," i tell bea as she approaches the sink next to me.

"you okay? do you need water?" she asks, concerned

"yea- yes, i just need to breathe a little."

"okay, text me if you need anything." i just nod and leave the bathroom. she knows me, knows i need to be alone.

pushing through crowded bodies, i head to the club's back door, leading to a narrow alleyway where the employees usually store extra liquor bottles. it also doubles as a smoking area, so i shouldn't be surprised when i see him as soon as i open the door. tattooed arms flexing as he lights a cigarette, probably not his first one of the night, and i turn back to try to leave before he sees me.

"leaving so soon?" i turn around again and already feel my cheeks heating up. embarrassed, like a kid caught eating dessert before dinner. "you can stay."

"it's okay, i'll go somewhere else," i wave him off mindlessly. he came here to enjoy his cig on his own, right? he doesn't need his ex-girlfriend plaguing his chill alone time "i don't want to bother you, i just need some air."

"please stay." it's not the first time he says this, but this time i do. 

with pink-tinged cheeks and heels clicking loudly, i slowly walk down the three small steps in front of the door and move to stand across him with my back resting against the club's brick wall. the warm summer air hits my skin, and i can hear the rustle of the traffic. "you could never bother me." i pretend i didn't hear him.

"i thought you were quitting," i motion to the burning cigarette between his fingers. the moonlight illuminated the alleyway, making the smoke around him look like some kind of silver aura. he smiles at me.

"i'm trying," he says, taking a drag and blowing it out by the side of his mouth, and i laugh.

"it sure looks like it," i reply, still smiling. i'm not as nervous as i expected i would be in this situation; maybe the alcohol hasn't worn off as much as i thought.

he shrugs, running a hand through his hair. "well, you know me".

my eyes follow his every movement, long, calloused fingers holding the rolled paper limply and bringing it up to his red, pouty lips. i start to fidget with the end of my skirt, trying to distract myself by looking at how my fingers twist the fabric. busying myself, so i don't remember how those same lips used to feel against my own or on the curve between my neck and shoulder. 

i look up again when i hear matty step on his cigarette– putting it out– and he starts to walk in my direction. my breath hitches. we are face to face now, noses almost touching. closer than we were at the bar. i can see every freckle on his face when he's this close. i can see the chapped corner of his mouth and the grey that's starting to show up on his now tousled hair.

"why did you leave?" he's straight to the point. his voice comes out low, almost a whisper. at our position, there's no need to be louder than that. there's no hatred in his tone; still, he's not smiling. a flash of hurt appears on his face for a moment. "didn't i make you happy?"

"of course you did, matty." i build the courage to look into his eyes, honey pouring out of them. "we've already talked about this."

he lifts his right hand to rest it on the wall beside my head while letting out a scoff. "but i don't get it," his tone is a little bit louder now. he's not aggressive, but he's not whispering anymore. "what happened?"

"it was for the best." i've stopped whispering too. i place my hands on my forehead. as if to avert the impending headache that will follow this conversation. i don't really know what happened either or when it started happening. i feel sweat droplets running down my hairline, not sure if it's from the summer heat, our closeness, or my disquietude. 

"for the best of who?" he questions, lifting an eyebrow, "i don't feel any better!"

"we were fighting all the time, you know this!" there's a lump in my throat, and i can already feel the pressure between my eyes, working hard so the tears don't fall. i lower my voice again. "it was only a matter of time until one of us left, i just left first."

his gaze softens– probably after seeing my flooding waterline– and it's a while before he talks again, as if he's gathering his thoughts. thinking before he speaks for once, "i could never leave you" it's a low, gravely whisper, and i probably wouldn't have heard it if we weren't this close. "i wish you'd stayed." 

it's a blow to my chest. like a gunshot, blood running down my ribcage. and for a second, i don't think i can breathe.

"i wish you'd done a lot of things, matty." my vision is blurry now, and i feel a single tear roll down my right cheek. i wish he would answer my calls when he stayed late at the studio. i wish he would listen to me when i said i felt neglected. i wish he would give me more security when i felt jealous of the girls partying with him and the boys while i was on the other side of the pond. i wish i stayed. when i can't sleep because i suddenly realize that my bed is too cold, too empty. when i wake up, and there are no kisses on my bare shoulder. when i have to climb over my kitchen counter to reach the can of pasta sauce on the top shelf. when i'm so anxious, and there's no one to hold me… "sometimes i wish i stayed too." 

slowly, his hands cup my jaw. long fingers run lightly across my skin and wipe the lonely tear on my face. the hairs on my neck straighten up, and my heart stirs, beating a little faster. he carefully traces his right thumb over my lower lip, giving me time to reject and push him away. and then, his soft lips lock on mine. no warning. i feel his stubble rub against my chin and let out a sigh. there's a flutter on my lower stomach, burning. i should have pushed him away. instead, my fingers trail up his neck, nails brushing against his skin, and finally into his hair as he coaxes his hot tongue into my mouth. he tastes like cigarettes, of course. i can also taste the rum and lime from the mojito he had earlier. one of his hands travels down and he pulls me by the waist, bodies touching fully now. matty groans into my liquored mouth and i preen; it's good to know i still have that effect on him. that i can still make him let out those pretty sounds with just a kiss. it might be selfish, but we both are. because i bet he's proud too, that every touch of his still sends shivers down my spine. i pull out for air first, lungs already starting to burn. my fingers are still buried in his curls as he rests his forehead on mine, both breathing heavily.

"i need you, love," he whispers against my kiss-swollen lips, voice cracking. there's a smudge of lipgloss on the side of his mouth. it was no use reapplying it.

"matty, i can't," my voice comes out weak, just like how i feel.

"why not? you got somebody?" matty frowns, starting to sound a bit agitated.

i shake my head lightly "i don't."

"what is it?"  

"i already told you" it's my turn to cup his face now, scuff prickling against my palms. "we already had this fight before, you get annoyed because i can't trust you, and i start yelling because you don't take me seriously!"

"of course i take you seriously!" he defends, already becoming increasingly exasperated. i just shake my head; there's no use going through this all over again. it hurt enough the first time. however, i still close my eyes, knowing that if i keep looking at him, the chances of me believing him are higher.

"i'm not built for this, matty," for being away from him, for time zones and phone calls, for pretty girls throwing themselves all over him "i'm not strong enough."

"look at me, baby." his hands moved from my waist up to cup my face again, thumb brushing lightly over my cheekbones. "please," i open my eyes.

"do you love me?" he asks. i realize his eyes are glossed over now "because i love you. so fucking much."

it will be easier if i say no, break his heart all at once. give him a reason to give up. it takes me a while, but i nod.

"yeah?" there's a glimmer of hope on his wet iris.

"i do, but-"

"then we'll figure it out" it's not that simple; just figuring it out is not enough. we hurt each other.

"we'll just end up in the same place, matty," i explain firmly. at this point, tears stream both of our faces. his chest heaves, and i try to contain another sob. he turns his face slightly to press his lips to my palm, just for a second. 

"stay with me, please." our noses touch, and i can no longer distinguish his tears from mine. "i'll do better, i swear."

"it's not going to work."

"just for tonight at least, please," it comes out ragged, and he grazes his lips on mine, leaving a gentle but salty peck. "just for a little bit."

this shouldn't be happening. it's a mess, all of it. no matter how hard or how many times we try, even if we start all over again, we'll just end up in the same place. i know how i am and how he is. our love is tainted, a ticking bomb. so no matter how much i love him, how much i want him, i know we'll just go back to those screaming matches and broken pictures.

but if we keep doing this again and again, maybe then we won't have to say goodbye. at least i won't have to spend an entire lifetime missing him. so maybe just one night won't hurt, right? i've done it a million times. staying for just a little bit won't hurt…i think.

okay, just for a little bit.

[yuseirra]

Ch 160 ..let me jot down my stream of consciousness about what I feel, my reading comprehension skills can't be that bad, it'd help if I can sit down and think through a little more.

+ Okay, I'm complete! I understand things much better now!! Upon close examination, This chapter doesn't change anything so dramatically.

IT STILL DOES NOT ANSWER JUST WHAT THE DAD'S MOTIVES ARE, but... the conclusion I have after having reread it thoroughly??

It's that my interpretation of him as a mild guy still stands—it enhances it, even. He's still really kind, which is a pretty surprising conclusion compared to what I felt about it at first glance.

He's.. really kind and considerate. I'm serious. wow.

well, analysis/interpretation below!

I was spoiled about chapter way back sometime last Friday, right? and it was pretty accurate in sense, with it being just some bunch of sentences and that one really creepy panel.. it does help to see the actual art and the expressions that are associated with the dialogues.

Now that I sit down a bit, there are two different interpretations of the same story: Kamiki's testimonies on what's happened (I believe these are all truths. They perfectly match up with how I've interpreted his character all along.) and Aqua's takes on them.

I'm not reading things off the english version btw, so the dialogues may differ.

According to what Kamiki says,

-he considered Ryosuke and Nino as good people and as friends. But they approached him because they were obsessed with Ai, so he didn't know about their true colors.

-so he was able to talk about his breakup with her and talked about whether if he should visit her having children at the hospital where Gorou was. They went and killed Gorou, but Kamiki had no idea about that.

-on the day Ai died, he was still unsure about meeting her because he lacked the courage to see her face (god he's timid) so he asked Ryosuke to give her his bouquet on his behalf

I KEPT SAYING THIS GUY NEVER HAS IT IN HIM TO "SCARE AI!!!!!!!!!" HE LIED IN 154 OUT OF GUILT BECAUSE HE THOUGHT AI AND AQUA WANTED REVENGE ON HIM!!! SEE!!! I'VE BEEN!!! RIGHT!!!! I'VE BEEN!!!!!!!!!!

This was already in the leaks last Fri, I basically felt the same way about these back then

and I got every part of these right except for the part that Kamiki befriended them. I just couldn't picture the people who killed Ai or would actively go hunt their daughter down being his friend..

but seeing how.. much he seems to trust people, he used to be that way as a child, it actually all ties so nicely together.

I predicted that it was Nino and Ryosuke who went to the hospital and killed Gorou.

I predicted that Kamiki just wanted to send the bouquet to congratulate Ai but he couldn't go because he was nervous/sad from the phone call. I said that ever since I started drawing hikaai fanarts, you would have seen me going on and on about that, I drew them with this as the base!!!! The guy Ai chose wouldn't do such a thing as trying to get back at her!!! See??

I couldn't be more right!!! I am a prophet!! I should trust myself!!!! why am I so unsure of myself, really. I really, really did get everything right.

These must be all true. He's not lying about any of this. I've been analyzing this guy very very thoroughly so I know what I'm talking about.

I guess what's confused me was the latter bits, since Fri and even after I see the full images.

Kamiki smiles and says he never wanted to hurt anyone<this is really how I view him as well, this guy can't hurt people out of his own will...

However, Aqua dismisses Kamiki's statements as lies on the spot, and accuses him of having been unable to protect his own daughter. That he's been intentionally manipulated people to get what he wants. That would involve him causing people to kill each other without dirtying his hands.

Upon hearing Aqua stating "You wanted to kill your own daughter", Kamiki makes this really eerie smile (I kind of wish this is redrawn hshsh.. it looks like he's a demon spawn from hell, but this could REALLY be him being distressed yet AGAIN. this guy SMILES when he's that way. That's his coping mechanism. It's kind of hard to stare at that expression but that smile certainly ISN'T a happy one like the one we saw in 159. This is a really confusing habit he has. People are going to take him the wrong way but; sadly, it's become a habit of his...)

The scenes then shifts to visions of him manipulating nino and Ryosuke into doing what they've done with a smile. If this is really what's happened, then he IS someone pretty evil-

but now that I read it over I think that's just based on Aqua's interpretations about the guy.

Is what's being portrayed in those pages ACTUALLY how he is? Just yesterday, I theorized that Kamiki loves his children and has been doing whatever he's been doing for his children. I did have my reasons for making that claim.

We still don't know what his motives are!! Aqua doesn't state anything about why Kamiki would do such a thing if he's done so. Does he know anything about this??? Just what reason would make it.. enough to have someone kill the love of their life and their very daughter? What good would it do for Kamiki? For one thing, does he have ANY good reason to kill Ai at all? For having felt betrayed?? Then why wait out that long????? Killing their daughter? After having her live for, how long now? how old are they now? 15?? 16? Why now? Why would he??

The important thing would be just WHY he'd be doing all those things if he's really been so, so WHAT IS IT AQUA?? WHAT??

Forgot to mention this but in the beginning of the chapter, we have kamiki saying, Hm, but what did I do? Did I "stab someone?" did I "push someone off a cliff?" I never "did" "anything".

Then we have Nino going "Kamiki-san didn't do anything. He just talked about Ai. He talked about her so we(her and Ryosuke) wouldn't forget about her. That was enough to make us break."

OH come on. COME ON. HUH. I feel like he's never told them anything bad about Ai, he probably let out how much he loved and misses her, because he thought they were her fan and coworkers as a fellow member, I bet he was happy to befriend people who knew about Ai because they share a common interest together. With it being his favorite person in the world even while he was dumped.

What a stupid reason, Nino. You brought everything upon yourself. I can see that now.

I do think.. kamiki has some sort of power that causes people to grow insane or act out, that could have had some influence on ryosuke and nino in a way...

but again, why would he try to kill his lover and his daughter even if he can use it with his own accord??? Even if he's using those powers now?? Would he use it to do those respective things?

Even if he has those, that shouldn't be all there is to it. According to Kamiki, they were already obsessed with Ai when they approached him and YEAH! Makes sense?? They came to him first, probably already aware that he was Ai's lover?? He isn't responsible for them hoarding those kinds of feelings!!

Coming to think of it, I find it really strange that he still hung with nino being the complete wreck she is. Oh wait, I guess he still could. Ryosuke killed Ai and Nino doesn't seem to have played a part with that. Nino was there with Ryosuke when Gorou died but she's not the one who's pushed him off a cliff. Ryosuke's the really...horrible one. He had a pretty gf like nino JUST WHY. Then again, nino was obsessed w Ai too so they were a match. I guess Kamiki hanged with Nino thinking she's just another victim who wants Ai back or whatever. He still hangs with her when she says that are super creepy like she can't forgive Ruby if she surpasses Ai though.. Perhaps he's really bad at letting people go.. OH, YEAH. He was always pretty attached to people as a child. Okay, I got that part cleared up on my own. Stream of consciousness is like this. It can happen.

Continuing on!! Aqua says Kamiki is a "despicable, selfish liar, worse than a murderer". Even Kamiki can't smile hearing that. If he ISN'T one, then that'd hurt.

Well, he responds again, saying:

"Ah, yes. You're the same way as I am. You share those same eyes I have. The type of eyes that grant the power to persuade others into believing you. The eyes that grant you charisma, befitting that of a star." Then we see a panel with Ai, "The eyes of liars, that fool, and make others submit to you"

he must be thinking of what Ai's told him when she talked to him about having the same eyes. (CH 140)

"You've been inciting people just like I have, right? Just how many people did you fool to fulfill your goal?"

"It must have felt good to use your talents to impact the lives of others, right?"

I'm not sure if this is a taunt/mockery or just him stating the facts as a liar/a black star user himself.

If he's thinking about Ai... then it can be the latter. She approached him saying "they are the same". He could be thinking about that.

Actually, he's strangely calm. His emotions are a bit hard to read on this one, I'd say it actually feels collected compared to what he's heard.

This could actually be sympathy or empathy...

I didn't take it that way when I first encountered it, so I felt.. Kamiki could be lashing out a bit but no. That doesn't seem to be it.

Hey, he really never gets angry. He actually looks a bit sad depending on how you look at it, I think he may be feeling a sense of guilt in that particular panel where he says "Just how many people did you fool to fulfill your goal?", the one where he glances down,

just like how he talked to Aqua in 152, "It's a lie, isn't it? it's because they're important that you keep your distance from them. why would you go that far to bottle yourself up?"

This guy understands his son really well. In fact, I think he may be trying to say, "we're the same=I understand the way you are, we're on the same track" the way Ai's done for him. That's what was his salvation.

Aqua does not take this well.

He says yeah, we're both terrible beings, but Ruby is "different".

Oh, and the rest.. what's stood out to me is the panel where Aqua goes,

"sending love to the one who desires for love" as he describes what Ruby is doing. Kamiki shows up in that panel.. This is what Ai wanted to do for him.

and there's a panel that comes up that shows Ai with the twins that follows right after saying:

"it's the eyes of the one who desires to love someone"

This is really sad. I think that page actually indicates Ai desired to love him while he desired to be loved from Ai. That happened both ways. It was a nice page.

Yeah, and Aqua points his knife to his dad like a toy gun saying

"You must disappear right here and now, for Ruby's sake."

I don't think Aqua's actually up to stabbing him, actually? If he's pointing the knife at him like that, I think it's more like he's warning him to stay out of their way forever, scram, or just go die off on his own.

Both of his eyes are white, he's not going to kill him with his own hands, rather, he's going to make him go away.

So I don't think next chapter would start on a fierce note? Kamiki does not seem like a guy that gets agitated so easily. He STILL never once got angry in this chapter as well. He's still pretty sweet to his son. I'm not being biased on this, the way he talks has always been really soft. If this were to be an anime, you'd hear how he'd talk and see whether if he has thorns in them but I don't think it's that way at least, I think he's trying to be understanding??

This guy is soft. He will not put up a fight. I don't know, he may jump off that bridge and try to die maybe. If that's what his son wants? Move out of the way? He doesn't seem.. angry about it all. He's not even protesting.

In the end, the only thing that got proven in this chapter was that Kamiki DID NOT DO ANYTHING IN A PHYSICAL SENSE, AND HE DIDN'T TRY TO SCARE AI.

the fact about him manipulating people and lying to get his way, I think there's low chance of it being applied for Ruby and Ai's case.

I think he really didn't have a clue Nino would attack Ruby? If he's considered her as a friend?

what are the basis of Aqua picturing him that way? He must really hate his dad. There is no way he could have seen such things happen. Unless Tsukuyomi told him about it?? there is no proof that it's what's actually been taken place. Kamiki could have incited people, or influenced others, yeah, but I don't think he did anything to Ai or his daughter. Again, I think he loves his family. Why wouldn't he??

Until things get cleared up more, I???? I ACTUALLY?? think Kamiki's taking it in a really calm manner despite all the things he's being accused of??

This is very long, but that is all for now!!

Oh, this was worth revisiting and analyzing. There's a lot more I see when I scrutinize it like this!!

[darksvster]

Hi, I usually only send asks to people on anon, but I really wanted to say that I am so sorry this fandom has been so awful to you and made what should have been a fun and cool thing such a negative experience. I will be sad not to see the rest of the scripts, but I hope stopping the posts gives you some peace 💙

thanks for the kind words, honestly i need them right now. after some consideration, i've come to make a decision on how i want to operate moving forward.

as of now i've permanently deleted my scheduled posts on twitter, i won't be posting anything there anymore.

for tumblr, i removed everything from my queue and they're sitting in my drafts, but i may just post the excerpts i like this weekend.

on the whole, i'm taking a big step back from this fandom. i've met a lot of nice people here and made friends, but the loud voices of some of the worst people here just make this an overall unenjoyable experience. for my own mental health, i think it's important to simply cut off the opportunity for people to engage with me directly.

to give some clarity, this is not just about people doubting my posts. i find those to be funny since i have never made it a secret where i get my scripts from, people just seem to be unwilling to read or do research. i actually do have one single image of a script on my phone that the librarian okayed me to photograph. but i forgot about it while making edits and now i simply don't want to post it. (i thought i didn't copy down daemon asking for rhaenyra's hand in episode 4, apparently, i was wrong and just forgot about the picture.)

this is about people calling me awful names, accusing me of pedophilia, because that's everyone's favorite word to use in this fandom, and insulting my friends when i won't respond to them.

it's about people who seem to think i deserve harassment because i put myself out there. it's about people who think i'm just too engaged and need to be more "zen" about fandom and the insults being hurled my way. it's about people who feel entitled to my posts and regularly demand greedily that i post about their favorite character already.

it's also about people cozying up to me one minute and then calling me names the next. it makes it really hard to trust anyone in this fandom, much less want to befriend them. i shouldn't have to get used to people suddenly popping up in my dms trying to befriend me after finding out that i could be a "source" for them, but i did and that's on me.

i said before that if i stopped this project i would expose everyone who was an asshole to me. the hilarious fact is that it would literally be too many screenshots of people acting like the worst type of people. all the things i listed above are from multiple people across multiple platforms. it's not just twitter, or tumblr, or discord, or reddit. it's the fact that these people exist literally in every corner of this fandom that makes me want to pull back completely.

i'll keep contributing in the areas where i enjoy contributing, but i'm done engaging with people who seem to view me as entertainment or a punching bag.

to people who have defended me without knowing me, or have simply just been polite, thanks so much. it really does help even if i don't reply to every kind word.

[ghost-in-the-hall]

Hello! I have finally stopped crying about Friday night long enough to come tell you guys about it! Also kind of a face reveal I guess? I wasn't planning on posting pictures of myself ever on Tumblr but, um, I met some of Powerwolf, so I'm telling literally everyone who will listen about it. If you'd like to read all about the most amazing night of my life it's below the cut cause my god am I going to ramble and there's going to be a lot of pictures. Posting Update coming later now that I can finally get back to work ❤️

*cracks knuckles* now, I had to take the full day yesterday to literally sit on my floor with my friends to recount that night in as much detail as possible. Every thing I tell you has been fact checked and reviewed by 3 other people lol. I literally can't even believe the night I had, I still think I'm dreaming tbh.

So, as you may or may not know, Powerwolf is literally my favorite band ever. I missed their first US tour so I was determined to get my ass to this show and have the greatest time, also I'm not going to turn down a chance to see Falk Maria Schlegel in person, it ain't gunna happen chief. I got tickets for my friends and I, we made a whole day of it, we got our nails done and met up the morning of and had breakfast and did face masks and all got ready together, it was wonderful, I'm so glad we made the decision to do that because of my god my NERVES that morning. We ended up getting to the venue around 3, which meant we had to stand in line for 4 hours but it was definitely worth the sacrifice. We were about 10 people from the front by the time we lined up. When we got there, none other than Roel VanHelden was hanging out around their tour bus, taking pictures and just talking with a small group of people. He was so nice when we went down to meet him, my friends and I were all dressed up for the occasion and he looked at us and went "wow, you all look incredible!" I think my soul left my body. I told him he was my favorite drummer ever and I'm so excited to finally be able to see him live and he looked so genuinely flattered. I got a picture with him that's at the bottom.

A little while later I look down the sidewalk and happen to notice Charles doing the same thing. He was also super sweet and super funny. I, for some reason, was so much more nervous meeting him than I was meeting Roel so I just kind of ran up said hi took my picture said thank you and ran away, but he was very sweet when he was talking with my friends. ALSO HES SO DAMN HANDSOME WITH HIS GLASSES ON I AM SUCH A CHARLES GIRL AFTER FRIDAY NOW BUT WELL GET MORE INTO WHY LATER!!! Sorry lost my cool, picture with him is also below

We get inside, we get all the way up to the left side of the stage at the barrier, I'm directly in front of Falk and Matthew the entire concert. Unleash The Archers was incredible, I unfortunately only know their song Soulbound, but they're amazing if you're into women fronted power metal bands, I highly recommend them. The entirety of the concert itself was incredible, everyone is so talented and it was so amazing, just for the music I would go back again and again.

But, my god, do those men LOVE interacting with the crowd. I'm gunna go member by member, we made a bullet list lol. We ended up getting notices by every single member of Powerwolf multiple times, like I seriously still can't believe it, it doesn't feel real, but it happened and I have 3 other people telling me it happened so I guess I have to trust them lol.

Roel we unfortunately didn't get to see much obviously because he's at his kit, but after the show was over he came over and gave my friend a drum cover that was signed by the entire band, we have agreed that one day a month I come over we pull it out (until it gets framed), smoke a bowl, and just look at it for a little while together because that's how we're going to share joint custody of it lol. Seeing him play live was also just unreal.

Attila carries such a presence on stage it's actually fucking insane. How easily that man can command an entire room is scary. I don't know if I have the video, I might have to get it from someone else still. But there was one point we were singing along with Attila and he came over and sang directly to my friend and I and reached out for us and we both screamed. He acknowledged us a couple other times throughout the show.

We were on the opposite side of the stage from Charles but him and Matthew switch sides pretty much during every song so he was over pretty frequently. The first time he came over he immediately recognized my little group, he pointed right at me and smiled, I personally think he noticed how I loosened up a lot since almost passing out earlier lol. But he would be constantly coming over and singing along with us, there was also one point I noticed he accidentally bumped into Attila and he just looked at him and blew him a kiss and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. CHARLES ALSO THREW ME ONE OF HIS ARM BANDS!!!! When he came over after final bows, he threw a couple pics, I missed literally all of them because I have zero depth perception and despite the fact I was wearing 5" platforms I was still stupidly short lol, he noticed proceeds to pull off one of the ones he had on, came right to the edge of the stage and tossed it to me and he got so smiley when I screamed back thank you, he has such a nice smile omfg it's not fair. But he was incredible.

We were right in front of Matthew, we definitely spent the most time with him, he was also in love with us. They played Sinners of The Seven Seas, which is a personal favorite song of mine, so I was absolutely losing my shit, screaming every word, and after they finished each song he would acknowledge the whole crowd and give thumbs up and all that, and then he looks at me, I shit you not my knees almost have out from just now direct this eye contact was the first time, he goes "wow" and gives me a thumbs up and a really impressed look, so of course I got all flustered which made him laugh. He would acknowledge me after pretty much every song, doing kind of the same thing, motioning to the whole crowd and then motioning directly to me, it became a joke, we would both laugh whenever he did it. At one point I made a heart at him and he got the brightest smile and also seemed so genuinely flattered, they all did, every one of them just seemed so touched and happy that all of us loved them so much it was super sweet. But, anyways, back to Matthew. He sang along with us a lot too and was just genuinely so fun to watch, he's such a talented guitarist, I got to see him play the most. He also threw me a guitar pick, I gave it to one of my other friends that came since she didn't catch anything.

Falk Maria Schlegel... I was so insane about this man BEFORE this concert... I am simply unwell about him now. This, to me, is by far the most unbelievable part of my night because I'm literally in love with him. He's kind of similar to Roel where it's hard to get his attention cause he's also mostly up on the back stage, so he didn't really start to come down to the stage until near the end of the show anyways. But he came down at one point and that man held eye contact with me for a good 30 seconds while Attila was making his speech, I thought my heart stopped, how are his eyes even prettier in person? He's just so fun and so cute, I love watching him interact with the crowd. He came over to my side of the stage after the first encore, Attila was giving a speech about how we're all one big heavy metal family and it was very nice. I had to go over this with my friends about 9 times, I still think they're lying to me and I hallucinated the whole thing. Falk motions to the whole crowd and says I love you, then turns looks directly at me, motions to me specifically and says I love you. I blacked out for about 30 seconds I think, my heart was restarted by the last song starting (I fucking love werewolves of Armenia) they were doing final bows and Falk came back over to my side of the stage, he looked at me so I blew him a kiss and made a heart and he went, "oh! Thank you!" Motioned to me and then held his hands over his chest and he looked so happy, they all looked so happy, I hope they come back soon I already miss them. I plan on being right back up in front next time, who knows, maybe they'll even remember me lol

We're also going to be in their city recap video, and Jen Dorn (Attila's wife) took a bunch of pictures and posted a video of us on her Instagram and we got to meet her too, she was also very sweet and very pretty!!

Okay have some pictures of the greatest night of my life, some of them aren't cropped right, that's my bad lol

I have more videos and stuff I can post if you guys would like to see them!!

[celebtf]

The meet and Greet experience: The Vamps - Conner and Brad

" And we have a Winner, Jake and Mike From New York, Congrats buddies, you have won the 2 tickets plus Meet&Greet passes till tonights The Vamps show here in New York, have fun "

Me and Jake couldn't really believe this, yes we are two 23 year old boys listening to The Vamps still. Their music is pretty good but me and Jake mostly listen to the band because the bands members are incredably hot, my favorit is Brad, he just looks so good and sings amazing. Jake is all for Connor, he's the bands bassist, very hot, my second favorit after Brad ofcourse.

A few days later we got the tickets and the Meet&Greet passes in the mail, we were so excited, not only to be front row but also to actually meet the guys.

We got to the Arena earlier then we needed that day, just to go to the toilet and just prepare mentaly, I haven't been able to sleep at all these days, I'm just soo excited. I told jake to hold my spot in the que and ran to the bathroom, I had my ticket and Vip badge on so if I miss something i can come in later or a bit after Jake. When I was Washing my hands I saw Brad coming out from the toilet. He looked so good in his blue shirt.

" Hey man, sorry, thought I was alone in here " Brad said, he notice my badge " So I see you're coming to the show later " he smiled and I asked him for a quick selfie and he agreed and I took up my phone and snaped a selfie with me and Brad.

Brad left and I was just checking out myself in the mirror, my roots were turning darker, which was weird, my cheeks loosed a bit of fat and my jawline was more dominant now, my eyes went from dark brown to green-blue. I was turning into Brad, I felt my dick grew, It was an awful feeling, but felt good too. I wish I could just stroke ome out, but I new I didn't have much time. I checked myself in the mirror and went to find Jake.

----------------------------------------------------

Mike was really taking his sweet time on the toilet, damn, I was starting to get annoyed. I just wanted to go to the toilet too, I been holding his spot for some time now.

My phone started calling, I didn't know this mumber, but I assumed Mike lost his phone.. again, he always do it.

" Hello, Jake, hii are you there" the voice was not Mike's, this man was brittish and I didn't know anybody that were brittish. " Just Come to the blue door at the other side of the house quick, trust me"

I left the que and went to the other side of the house like the man said. And I was greeted by a big shock, It was Brad from The Vamps.

" Hey Jake, hurry, get inside. I know this sounds crazy but I took a photo of Me and Brad and now we have switched bodies" Mike is that you, but how? And how can I.. you know, do the same? " Go to the bathroom and I will get your person." I went to the Bathroom and waited.

" Conner meet my.. umm.. this my cousin, he's coming to the gig tonight, and he's a big fan of yours " Mike..I mean Brad came inside with Conner, I thought I was going to pass out right there, he looks so hot, I need to hide my hard-on.

" So Brad's cousin, let's get a picture together, I can't find my phone, Brad can we use yours " the new Brad Gave Conner his phone and we took a picture.

" Nice to meet you bro, but I have to set up for tonights show, ser you later " conner left but I felt weird, like and Electric feeling.

I looked in the mirror, my hair shortend, jaw became more dominate and nose changed my eyes too and I grew a feet too, and the feeling in my pants, it was growing for sure. I looked in the mirror, I saw Conner, it actually worked, I looked back at Brad " You look so hot Jake... I mean Conner"

" Five minutes to Warm up guys" we need to be out om stage now, me and Brad left the bathroom.

" Meet me in my room tonight, for some extra fun " Brad whispered in my ears. " We will have some extra fun while we can " and he came me a smirk, and I felt myself getting hard on stage.

[drdemonprince]

how did you know that seeking institutional help was the right step to take?

For four years I was always in high levels of care. When I transitioned out of that, I was a "revolving door patient" to ip units living with a carer the rest of the time. I sometimes self-harmed or did other actions intentionally to get hospitalized during that time. I'm going to focus on mostly that because I don't want to get into the weeds of how different psych treatment programs are categorized and run.

I would say that my goal of being hospitalized usually was to change something in my outpatient life - let my therapist know I wasn't willing to do something, get my companions to let me go for walks alone, whatever. I'd get hospitalized or call the cops on myself or send scary texts to my therapist and then try to end my life, eventually being stopped. I didn't want to die, but if I could prove to them I was willing to, they'd listen.

Another person mentioned a desire for closeness+physical touch, and that was a huge part of it for me. i even got restrained sometimes just because I wanted any touch, which is something commonly heard from incarcerated people. I had certain nurses and other staff who I saw as my family, calling my therapist "dad" and interacting in a needy, childlike way with floor staff.

I also liked how much it pared down my life. I was in college at the time, and found the social habits of the other students confusing and overwhelming, so I'd get hospitalized to miss class.

what helped you trust the professionals or the institution enough for it to be beneficial to you?

i wouldn't say I trust any of the institutions, but some staff earned my trust. I was a scary mean noncompliant patient so the few who actually bothered to get to know me were usually moments away from some kind of burnout where they realized all this shit sucks.

One of the things they did that earned my trust was to share about their own mental health or addiction history. This is encouraged in sud places, but usually VERY discouraged in psych units, moreso the higher level of care it is.

Another big thing was to allow me to break rules or break them themselves. My ex-therapist used to meet with me for extra time, give me my DVD player when I wasn't allowed, etc. and it felt like he saw me as equal. Turns out he sucks. but. during the time he was treating me he definitely helped me a lot with my thinking patterns, so the trust still ended up benefiting me, even if the relationship didn't always. He also talked A LOT about his family and life outside of work, and showed me pictures, and I even met his dog once.

for me this is an example of why therapists are kind of. not great? because he earned my trust enough to help me, I was at his defense. I felt like not getting better was something I was "doing to him", and his displays of sadness (once something I'd considered a positive aspect of his self disclosure) became a way to manipulate me into the hospital when I didn't want to go, without having to resort to force or law. i agreed with the assertion of psychology that he knew me better than I know myself, and gave every part of my personality, personhood, to the medical model.

so yes it helped as in now when I'm suicidal or about to bpd-style destroy my every relationship I think "play the tape forward what happens next" and don't. which is lame bc it means most of the people who treated me get to leave patting themselves on the back about how well im doing now.

which kinds of institutions have been *less* traumatic than the others?

A few times I got to live in supportive group home style places, and those are kind of nice! It was cool to be in a place surrounded by other mentally ill people. Much less lonely. In general, places that let you outside independently, let you access food independently (e.g. no staff in the kitchen), and let you keep some secrets from staff are the best. My quality of life was 100% better when all the program heads knew we were vaping in our rooms but just let it happen unless someone started setting off alarms. Ditto with like, being able to stay up late on Devices.

Having that independence, a place for my sense of self other than being a patient, was sooo sooo helpful.

is it sometimes worth simply not being able to act on the ideation, even if it means putting up with lots of institutional bullshit?

I didn't find the hospital particularly good at getting me to not act, instead they just prevented the worst consequences. All three hundred stitches I got for self-harm were while I was institutionalized. But like, my nerve damage is less than it could've been. I am not sure how to evaluate if that's better than having just died, because I have no idea how much the institution itself caused self-harm and suicidality.

all things being equal, would it always be better to be able to stay at a friend's house instead?

yes

if you could get 24-7 company from a loved one, would that be better?

yes. however. i think it would be good if people had some information about how to talk to suicidal people. like... i forget the training. but its similar to what they teach helpline volunteers. thats its ok to say suicide. to ask if they have a plan. to ask if theyd be willing to get rid of the means. etc.

SORRY IF THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

this is a wealth of information, thank you!

[fiddlepot]

I believe my biggest reason for being so attached to houseki no kuni is because it helped me in a dangerous time. In 2022, I went on a vacation to Tulum, Mexico, originally intended for 5 days.

This is a long post, so bear with me.

It was, for those 5 days, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Clear skies, white sand, beautiful sunrises and sunsets—a sea breeze. Wonderful food. It was hard to believe I was there.

The very first thing we did was explore ruins. I forgot from which civilization. It was my first time seeing so many iguanas out in the open, actually. These are the clearest pictures I've taken—at the time I was working with an old galaxy s10+, so anything zoomed in was unclear and crunchy looking.

I actually had originally gotten into the series right before going on vacation—it was a hard time for me that year. I was, to put it lightly, depressed due to a loss, or I think at the time two losses—I suffered earlier that year. My trust had been shattered and I lost a potential addition to my family. So, with nothing much else to do, I took it upon myself to look into the anime. And I ended up watching it on prime video, but I never finished. I hoped to do so in our down time, but found I had no access to the platform I began it on.

I was immediately infatuated with the storytelling, music, and adapted CGI, for all my usual qualms with it. And quickly, I searched for the soundtrack and listened to both it and Kyoumen no Nami by YURiKA throughout my trip. The song still gives me such an association to this day, especially of the sunrises and sunsets I'd take pictures of every day for those 5 days—if I woke up early. It was paradise, the best few days (at the time) of my life.

Until we went to the airport to leave, of course.

I was a minor around this time, so I had traveled with my mom. Especially well needed after a falling out we had. We were told, after waking up super early to leave, that we couldn't due to an issue with her travel papers as an immigrant. It was complicated. But in layman's terms, we were stuck.

And then began our real journey.

I will save you the whole story. But we stayed in 3 different hotels, the first of which I finally allocated some time to reading the manga in. We stayed there for seven days. And of course, in spirit, I remember listening to the soundtrack as I read. It was a beautiful but grim story. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how bittersweet the near ending was. I also want to note I had come out as NB to my mom that night as well. Didn't go very nice, as is true of many other trans kids of my time especially. So reading essentially became my escapism. And to the friends I talked to in that time, I talked about houseki like my life would end if I stopped.

The final hotel we stayed in was the one we remained stranded in for the majority of those 3 1/2 weeks. I refused to leave the room. There was a pool outside, but I was reluctant to go—we were being hidden, and couldn't so much as go to the Walgreens down the street lest we get kidnapped. Cartel was a prominent threat by the border, for how lavish the city was.

We were essentially in waiting. In waiting for more paperwork, for our case to be made, and for us to be allowed back. Mind you, I am a US citizen.

In that time, I did what I knew to do best: I disassociated. Retired to the internet. My mom even got frustrated with my lack of visible fear. I'd been yelled at over it. It was a conflict for days. I tried to remember the first couple of days we were there. And the association between the soundtrack alone and those sunrises kept me at bay, from choosing to see how threatened we really were.

Then, the day I left had come.

It was a long drive. One I had to stay the night at a family friend's friend's house for before we could fly home from Texas (the day we finally were able to cross the border). I met a kitten there, and she was the friendliest to me any cat has ever been. Even in the initial 5 days, the neighborhood cat used to claw at my hair—long braids. This one played and followed me around, and I fed and played with her in turn. I still remember distinctly that she was gray and tabby looking, but skinny and jumpy.

The evening we took our final plane, I took one last picture, still listening to the music of the soundtrack. I still believe it was my most beautiful one. An ethereal conclusion to a collection of breathtaking sights, a cloud bigger than any I had ever seen, towering over the airport. That day, we had gotten a couple of souvenirs. And on September 17th (my mother's birthday), a little after 12am, I was home.

Quite frankly, I still have the association between my stay in Mexico and the HnK soundtrack to this day. It's a memory embedded in me because of the way I had gotten into it—and for all the shit that happened, It's an association that makes me want to go back. Because it IS a soundtrack meant to represent something beautiful, and the composers do that job to absolute perfection.

[mxbo]

Hi! If it’s no trouble for you, could I request a little story about Sniper and a daughter reader? Just some wholesome family fluff ^^

Thanks so much in advance! No worries though if you’re swamped!

HELLO!! “No worries though if you're swamped” JHSHG THIS IS MY FIRST REQUEST EVER, I'M SO EXCITED. And also nervous because I don't want to mess up (that's why I took 5 days to write this) (I wrote it, left it be for a couple of days, read it again, went like “wow this is garbage”, fixed it and THEN posted it).

The request was left a bit ambiguous, so I have a BUNCH of notes and then the little story (which is, btw, not the full length of what I wrote because I accidentally gave Sniper anxiety, so I cut that from the actual story because I feared it wasn't wholesome ahsjah) (if you see “…” in the middle of two paragraphs, yeah that was something that I cut out AHSHh). I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT, I'M NOT CONFIDENT AT ALL WITH MY WRITING AND DIDN'T THINK I WOULD EVEN GET A WRITING REQUEST, I'M SORRY IF YOU DISLIKE EVEN ONE WORD *explodes*

[First picture: Carl from San Andreas with his hands on his head, except it's me saying “I forgot, I forgot how to write oh no”] [Second picture: Sponge Bob crying, except it's me saying “I promise I'll do better”]

SOME NOTES

English is not my first language, sorry if some things don't make sense TT (let me know if you see any mistakes pls!!)

My requests were mainly open for stamps, userboxes, blinkies and stuff like that, but I did say I'd share my writing if someone asked in my pinned post, so I only have myself to blame heh. And this was actually fun and I enjoyed it, so now I want to do more writing requests. Aka, they're open fr this time HEHE

You're Sniper's daughter, but the story is almost mainly told from the perspective of Sniper (still written in third person for him and second person for the reader, tho, it's just that the story follows Sniper's actions more because idk how to write from the POV of a kid)

I have family issues so if family interactions are portrayed inaccurately that's why, haha /hj

I wanted to write about how Sniper's daughter got to the base and THEN her interactions with the rest of the team, but I've been working on it for 5 days already. This is only the first half, how the reader got to the base TT [I'll continue it if you wish] AND AAAAH THE SECOND HALF IS WHERE I HAD PLANNED MOST OF THE FLUFF AND MOMENTS CATCHING UP WITH SNIPER AAAA (I'm so angry at myself)

CW: Not much, mentions of death because it's TF2 (nobody dies), and the word “fuck” is said like once, but that's it, can't think of anything major

More notes in the end because it's mostly not mentioned/doesn't matter/was cut from the final version

MEET THE SUNSHINE

“Yeah, Mum, I get it. I'll visit when I can,” he muttered.

“Your daughter misses you, you know,” his mum said.

Sniper sighed. “I know, Mum. But I take my job really seriously, and the battle hasn’t ended yet—”

“That battle has been going on for more than three years now!! And we decided you can’t just come home on holidays and expect us to raise your child the rest of the year.”

“We sent her to you” his dad interrupted, “She should be arriving any minute now.”

Sniper's eyes widened, and he nearly dropped the phone. “YOU DID WHAT!? THIS IS A BATTLEFIELD!!” He tried to argue. 

They were his parents and he respected them a lot, always trying to get their approval, but were they actually crazy? What did they even consume to think that sending his own daughter, their own granddaughter, to New Mexico, alone, while there’s a fight currently happening there, is a good idea!?

“Oh, don’t worry about that, after speaking to your boss through a nice lady called… Miss Paula? Pauline? She assured us she’ll be safe.” No way Miss Pauling, one of the few people he —and everyone in the team, really— trusted. No fucking way.

Before he could process this bombshell, a commotion erupted outside his room. The “INTRUDER ALERT. BLU SPY IS IN THE BASE” alarm was set off, and it was followed by Soldier shouting “A BLU SPY IS IN THE BASE!?”.

He hung up, not even saying goodbye, because he had the feeling that wasn’t a BLU spy. Actually, he knew it wasn’t a BLU spy, chained to a respawn machine. He had to get to the entrance first and stop the other eight mercenaries from killing you.

…

“WAIT!” He shouted as he pushed Soldier to the side.

He wasn’t the only one in the room; Scout, Spy and Medic, who were faster than Sniper, were also there, also trying to explain to Soldier that this was a child, not a BLU spy.

“Sniper?” asked Spy, a bit curious about why he seemed so scared.

“That’s not a spy…” He said, trying to catch his breath.

“Yes, we figured,” Spy said before getting interrupted.

You slowly opened your eyes and removed your hands from your ears, seeing as the scary man with the big weapon directly pointing at you before didn’t fire and you didn’t explode.

“That’s my-”

You looked around and that’s when you see him! You didn’t get the directions the nice purple lady gave you wrong!!

“DAD!!” You scream as you run over to your dad and hug his legs.

As you squeeze his legs, finally seeing your dad after so long and feeling safe, he doesn’t know how to react.

“-daughter,” he finished his sentence. He’s so relieved you’re ok. He doesn’t know what he would have done if he had found you hurt or worse.

“No frickin’ way…” muttered the Scout.

Soldier, Spy, Medic and also Engie and Pyro, who entered the room after the Sniper, were just as confused as Scout. Well, maybe not Pyro, because it understood something completely different (one shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask). But the rest of them were, and, with their eyes, they asked for an explanation. Demanded, even, in Scout’s case, because he couldn’t fathom the idea of Sniper of all people to get a girl, potentially a wife, before him.

…

Scout sighed in relief hearing that Sniper did not, in fact, get a girl before him. That he had found you as a baby one day when returning home and adopted you.

Everyone else just nodded in understanding (Heavy, Pyro), asked him questions (Engie, Medic, Spy) or praised him for doing the correct thing and not leave you to starve (Spy, Soldier, Demo). All while you were drawing in a corner with a pen and paper your dad gave you.

You stopped drawing once your dad had finished talking and introducing you to his team. Maybe he would introduce them to you next! 

This was going to be your home for a while, after all.

NOTES P.2

Timeline:

Three years into the gravel war (for the main group of mercenaries’ pov).

You were adopted roughly a year before Sniper was hired. Your adopted family doesn’t know your birthday, but they estimate you’re 4-5 y/o.

Fun fact: I was considering at first (aka the first five seconds of thinking about the request) making the daughter a teenager and then remembered Sniper is 27-ish here so uuuh, nope.

About Sniper in this AU:

He’s a good dad… the three or four times a year he can visit you.

He doesn’t want to be an absent dad, but he’s too dedicated to his job as an assassin for RED.

He tries to convince himself he’s not that absent because he cares about you, talks to you at lest once a week through the phone and makes sure your grandparents treat you correctly.

He wouldn’t have accepted RED’s offer if he had known this job would drag out for so long. He can’t quit now.

About his daughter (you!):

She/her as was requested :D

Not much else to say, you're 4-5 years old so you behave as one.

[Backstory, this is explained in detail during the actual story so spoilers hehe] You were found in a dumpster (sorry lmao) This was not, in fact, mentioned in the story above, so I'll just paste it here:

“

As he ran downstairs, his mind was flooded with images of how you came into his life, how he tried to raise you but had to go to this stupid war over a worthless piece of land. He thought it was ok, though, because once it was over he’d make up for the time he was away. 

But he wouldn’t be able to do that if you died to one of his own teammates right now.

…

Mick was driving home after a long day under the hot Australian sun, a bit tired from hunting animals down all day but with a smile.

He did a small deviation to pass by a nearby gas station because the fuel gauge hovered dangerously close to empty. 

Once the tank was full, he glanced at the convenience store and couldn’t resist grabbing something to eat for the rest of the long ride. He doesn’t remember what he bought, and it honestly doesn’t even matter. 

As he was leaving the store, he heard a sound, apart from the flickering neon lights, and he stood there for a second trying to identify. Someone crying, high-pitched voice, coming from the side of the building. “From the side of the building? Next to the dumpster?” He thought. 

And he was disgusted that he was right, that someone just got rid of a baby like that, but also glad he found you.

He didn’t know what to do, so he brought you home and asked his parents for help. They all came to the conclusion that they must have abandoned you after noticing that you didn’t grow a moustache like the rest. Mick saw himself on you because he also wasn’t born like most Australians. He remembered having a difficult time as a child trying to adapt without having any facial hair or Australia-shaped chest hair like the rest of the kids and, being an orphan? He knew your childhood would be even worse than his.

„

[cilil]

Hi, I come to seek your wisdom: how does one start writing smut without instantly combusting from embarrassment? I have a few Ideas (Uinen/Ossë anyone?) I tried to write and, while the scenario works very well in my head, I forget what words are the moment I try to write it down and start feeling so awkward even if I’m alone. (Also I’m ace and never had sex in my life so… that’s not helpful)

Thank you for any advice you’d have, o wise one 🫶

Hi anon! Ossë and Uinen, huh? Sounds lovely!😁 Anyway I gave this some thought and hopefully came up with something helpful.

Get in the zone. Now this may sound a bit redundant since you already said you still have trouble if you're alone, but something worth figuring out in general for all sorts of writing is "how is writing comfortable for me", "how can I stay focused" and "how can I set myself up physically to give myself the best mental space". This is different for everyone. Most people will prefer to be alone, for starters. Then there are other "environmental factors" you could consider, to name a few examples:

Does sitting at a desk or a table maybe feel too "formal"? Would sitting on a couch or your bed be better? Or lounging/lying down/standing/walking?

Does the writing program and device you use vibe with you? Maybe writing on phone is too strenuous or writing on a laptop leads to this big empty sheet that makes it hard to start, especially with "trickier" things like smut?

Does having a drink or a snack distract you or would the chewing/drinking actually help you keep your thoughts in motion?

These are going to vary wildly between individuals and also between genres you write, but heightening your general comfort with writing and/or looking to make changes to adapt to smut writing in particular can help with your ability to do so.

Take notes. I know, this sounds very... unsexy, but hear me out. Writing a scene from beginning to end, even if you have the scenario in your head already, can be daunting and at least for me personally it helps a lot when I let the scene play out first, take some fairly basic notes and then use them alongside the scene I'm picturing to write it all out. It will also help if you prefer to write non-chronologically because then there's less of a mess to put together later.

Watch & read smut. While this is something you'd normally think is mainly for inspiration (which, as I understand, is not the problem here) it can also help with getting you into the mindset, the mood and overall more used to the material. Maybe there are a few fics you read that you liked and didn't make you feel awkward about engaging with smut? Maybe there's a hot piece of art that makes your fingers itch to write?

Since I'm already at it, a few words about porn: It can help a lot with visualizing scenes and thus also make them easier to write, but I want to acknowledge that a lot of porn is made for and catering specifically to allosexual straight cis men which can make it not as palpable or enjoyable for everyone who is, well, not that (women, non-binary, ace, lesbian, gay, etc etc). It would be nice if there was more for us and I'm certain some awesome creators and sex workers out there are working on it, but... you know. Just wanted to say it's not for everyone and that is very okay and understandable.

No experience? No problem. To briefly get this out of the way: Is having real life sexual experience helpful for writing smut? It can be. You can absolutely draw from your experience to describe certain acts or sensations or emotions. But will it make or break your smut fic? Absolutely not and no worries! Not to rain on anyone's parade, but a lot of real life sex can be bad, boring or just... super casual so it's not very useful as smut material.

If you feel like this is an issue, treat it like every other aspect of writing where you lack personal experience and do some research and/or talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable discussing the topic with to get their input. Let things you enjoyed elsewhere inspire you (see above) and especially in this case feel free to just trust your imagination because:

About Ainur sex. Conveniently, we're talking about two Ainur having sex here which essentially eliminates any sort of necessity to stay true to the standard human sexual experience. Whatever you imagine, it pretty much can't be wrong because who knows how two married angelic spirit beings have sex. Go with your imagination and don't worry about accuracy or describing every single detail; in general you are free to adapt your smut writing to your level of comfort (the spectrum goes from fade to black to every single gross and nasty detail being put on display). Don't let audience expectations pressure you into anything either - there will be someone out there who will enjoy your take and your style.

Words not wording. Another big pitfall of smut writing is the, let's say, naughty vocabulary. It can feel awkward, cringe or generally uncomfortable to use certain words (for example for genitalia) and then there's also the matter of choosing which one feels right and hopefully doesn't make readers cringe. While there's never one right and perfect answer to this question, I offer you this survey as a resource. In it, preferred vocabulary choices for various body parts and actions are shown. I hope it helps with the writing process!

Lastly: Let it cook. I don't know what the scene you had in mind entails so this bit may be redundant, but if you don't feel comfortable jumping right into the smutty part you can have a sort of "prelude" to it and yes, it can be as long as you want it to be. Maybe writing a bit of talking and cuddling or whatever else you have in mind first will ease you into the writing itself and make it easier to write the smut because you're already in flow state; but that too depends on what kind of writer you are in general.

Sorry for talking so much, I just wanted to cover as many bases as I thought of over the last few days and add as many points as I can so hopefully this helps you and maybe other people as well. Wishing you all the best and lots of fun with your writing!💙

[notmorbid]

the angel of indian lake, pt. 1.

dialogue prompts from the angel of indian lake by stephen graham jones.

you're going to secondhand kill me.

this place is dead. someone just needs to bury it.

this is your brain on drugs.

i hope you really do get out of here someday.

maybe we could skinny dip while we're here.

we always find each other again, don't we?

if only i could take you with me when i leave.

you're going to have the world wrapped around your finger.

once the clock strikes midnight, anything can happen.

home is where the heart is, isn't it?

it doesn't have to be this way.

you just like the way i was before.

things do not happen. things are made to happen.

there's more. just wait. just hold on.

i made it through, and now i'm back.

it's not like history changes, right?

you don't walk into my house and tell me what's what.

pictures can do all the work of words.

you were a kid the last time i saw you.

you don't measure moms in height. you measure them in ferocity.

the shit kind of just accumulates.

it's not my responsibility anymore.

i wanted to be the one to tell you.

you're still a weirdo. you know that, don't you?

i don't even vouch for myself.

any trust you give will be used against you.

you think i voted for you?

no body, no crime.

you never stop, do you?

talking about it all just keeps it alive. happening.

this is great, talking to you. we should do it all the time.

still a man, so still 99% an idiot.

i'll walk away from anything for ___. you know that.

can you draw any redder of an x on me?

don't. even saying it is bad luck.

a lot can burn down overnight.

if i don't say it, i can't make it real.

what does it feel like to be loved like that?

i think i just wanted someone to listen to me.

in my head, at least, i'm honest. it's when i open my mouth that things get complicated.

you shouldn't let yourself think about that kind of shit.

in your head, in your secret heart, it's easy to be tough.

i'm pissed at the world, not just you.

you shouldn't be surprised about a little graverobbing.

'evil' and 'christian' are interchangeable to indians.

i think i liked you better when you didn't think like a cop.

when does your pretty wife get back?

nobody has ever said anything that nice to me before.

that would be a pretty good song, 'if i die in a canoe'.

i've always wondered how religions get started.

just because you were locked up doesn't mean the world stopped turning.

i didn't want anyone to see you like this.

captain goes down with the ship.

i just slept the night through, didn't i?

inside every compliment is a burrowing insult.

can i tell you a secret? i actually kind of like the price is right.

you just live here. same as the rest of us.

playing by the rules is supposed to be the key to survival.

you think i'm a biker?

you shouldn't be here alone.

who even are you, really?

that's probably not jelly, is it?

you're older than your years.

in small towns, you wear a lot of hats.

it's not exactly my first rodeo.

where does a name like that come from?

when you have long hair, birds make you nervous.

my mom would kick my ass if i wasn't a gentleman.

capitalism doesn't exactly keep your hands clean.

understanding and approving are two different things.

you don't turn the other cheek much, do you?

have you been getting my mental texts?

solve the mysteries you can solve.

if you don't like it, don't look.

i don't want you to be uncomfortable.

[emlan]

Finished expansion!

Final Fantasy XIV Dawntrail done, here's some MSQ spoiler thoughts:

.

.

.

.

.

I've had XIV on ice for a while so I was going into it as a casual and not a diehard fangirl but still I am shocked and disappointed by how bored I was during the whole thing… And annoyed, which is a bigger crime. Constantly wondering why characters act like they do or why they aren't asking about X.

Alphinaud and Alisae did nothing and they were both an eyesore with their old outfits, dressing them in local threads would've been so easy and a cute way to buff the immersion of visiting a new continent. (To be fair I guess they HAVE to tag along even if the writer doesn't want them there due to Trusts? I'd argue Krile and Erenville were just pieces of furniture until the very last stretch too but they were at least interested in the same goal as Wuk Lamat so they didn't feel out of place.)

My fav stuff is interacting and bonding with characters new and old but it doesn't feel like we got much of that? Trying to picture what people will even draw fanart of for DT of and all my mind's eye can see is Wuk Lamat lovers drawing WoLship art or just her looking cute and/or hot. (Also Erenville looking cute and/or hot.)

Doing a "sweet girl turns into massive threat" right after a "sweet girl turns into massive threat" expansion is rather brazen but it is a Classic so whatever. Would've been neat if she was an adult woman instead.

I could probably rant about several particular moments but I can feel myself slowly starting to morph into a WORST expansion EVER red-arrow-and-circle YouTube thumbnail which would be rather unsexy of me so I'll go ahead and choose happiness by listing the things I enjoyed instead;

Starting with the incredible lvl 93 weapons!!!! They all look like bland NPC pieces which is something super rare in this game, such a breath of fresh air. The NIN daggers especially is pure 10/10 and I was even considering changing my never-glamming-it-away ARR longbow into the new BRD one. The new sets are good too, I'm not much for scifi-y gear but the ones you get before Solution 9 are very nice and the aiming top gave my lizard a very lovely waist. I was really lucky to get the golden bangle hand drop that all Tuliyollal NPCs wear so I could fit in proper :3 Tweaking my main glam slightly to blend into each new areas better was a big source of fun.

Zoraal Ja bringing back an SSR Alpaca made me chuckle.

The moblin pot contract stuff is very endearing, basically they are keeping a crafter as a personal pet to love and pamper so they can do their best work? Such a cute Human Cattle aligned setup even though it's a mutual agreement and not actual ownership.

I liked the little merchant/seller skit we do with Koana even if my main glee was just seeing him wear something that didn't clash with his teal hair.

I perked up during the cooking contest introduction since it seemed like the chance for shenanigans was high, but they didn't really play around with it. At least we got Alisae musing to herself about Zuraal Ja and Baka Ja Ja in matching aprons 👌 Is the Fu awakening in you, my girl…?

Bakool Ja Ja doing his best to help out and getting a little flustered when receiving thanks after having been a stupid miserable bully that pretty much set off a nuke willy-nilly was nice, but only bcs I tend to clap like a seal no matter what when this trope appears. Since I am choosing happiness I'm not gonna comment more on his character.

The play was delightful as was the FF9 town wink in general (I also laughed for the wrong reasons at poor Otis doing a voice gag in an unvoiced cutscene, at least it still got the gist across well.)

lvl 100 dungeon nice presentation.

And…

Of course…….

Koana turning out to be an all-in siscon 🙏

Blessed be. It was rather predictable him and Wuk Lamat would end up as a duo ruler pair to cover each other's weaknesses, but her energetic public marriage proposal and stone carving to truly show off their union ran with the premise more than what I had braced for!

Love him feeling super jealous and obviously having been crying in the shower over WoL getting asked about a place in his sister's court [before he knew he had a place too] and then later him also clearly feeling threatened when she states that she views the WoL as one of her beloved siblings too. So pathetic clearly wanting to be the only Brother™ in her life ❤

I was kinda eyes emoji at Zoraal Ja too when he was staring at his sister with icy contempt, emboldened by my incest win when it came to the catboy I dared to dream that the oldest brother also harbored some obsessive feelings towards her that he didn't know how to handle, but that's not quite what happened… It's a shame we didn't get flashbacks of all those siblings together in various stages of life, I kept forgetting they were actually family so Wuk Lamat angsting over her evil brother made me go Oh Right every time I got reminded.

Lastly it wasn't quite part of the MSQ but the chuuni villain roundtable intro for the Role Quests was very silly (positive) and probably the most entertained I was during these past 4 days. Well, besides the actual trial fights being fun but I don't count those for story.

Ignoring the "human" faces and only going by the world the graphics/lighting update is very nice! My guy made it out OK but it stings a bit every time I see his mouth having had its charm nerfed. Very impressed by the not-Vanu Vanu, Horthgals and Mamool Jas facial expressions. However, hairstyles all look worse than before, so soft and "washed out"? I'm exaggerating for effect rn but Koana looks like he has a soft teal cloud as hair basically? And the twins' white hair is now too uniformly white without the darker hair strand lines…

The inn room is probably the nicest looking one we've gotten so far, both luxurious and cozy vibes. Always crack up seeing my Au Ra in bed nothing says relaxation like a super stiff coffin pose.

Quite bummed I couldn't find as much excitement as in previous expacks and I probably won't bother renewing sub for a while, but at least I already have other fandoms to keep me occupied.