#I didn't even get into how annoying it is that people use “college dropout” as an insult

[i-will-change-this-someday]

Genuine question, does Victor actually ever compare himself to God?

Like, almost every single Victor hate post is like "this dumb idiot with a god complex is just a college dropout haha, if I made the Creature I would love and nurture it, not like loser McGodComplex over there."

But I looked it up, and the word "god" is in the book 26 times, and most of them are just exclamations.

The only time that Victor is likened to god (that is relevant, Walton does describe him as "God-like in his ruin" or something else really gay) is when the Creature claims he "should have been thy Adam, but is instead a fallen angel" or whatever he said.

So the one that sees Victor as a god is the Creature, and not Victor himself, which I think is very interesting. It's a kinda like how kids think their parents always have the answers or can fix anything.

I also wonder if the Creature thinks that Victor made him for some "divine purpose" or something. (Sorry if he already said something of the like in the book)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary3

i was more nervous about the thing w/ meeting the guy than i had to be, i already knew/know how relaxed he is about most everything.

i guess i didn't expect the movie to be so short, i know he said short film but i expected i dunno, 30 minutes or so, but he wants to keep it under 15, which i guess might be a challenge just thinking about how to make songs that move so quickly from one thing to the next, also thinking if this should be conceived as one longer piece that exists through the whole film or not, but i have a while to figure all that out.

beyond that, today i fixed 2 songs that i thought were fixed but weren't fully fixed and now i think they are or they are at least closer, and i think i got a third song finally down, after killing myself on that one for a while. it's really exhausting and the song is about 56 seconds, it's also just exhausting for a maybe 15 second long part in the middle of it. sometimes the shrieking makes me feel like i'm gonna pass out, like the guy from jerome's dream did, apparently, while recording a split w/ orchid, and that made him do the stuff he did on their 2nd record. i hope i don't fuck myself up or anything, the screaming doesn't hurt my throat too much anymore, i've gotten a lot better i guess, in that field.

also, after meeting the guy w/ my gf, since she is working on the movie too, which honestly surprised me, i don't recall her ever telling me, or even mentioning that, it's the kind of thing she'd def feel like she brought up, it's also the kind of thing i can forget easily i guess because, even now, the project is pretty far from being even a quarter of the way realized. she'll be doing storyboarding though, and i guess some design stuff as well. anyways, after, like i said, we walked to starbucks, it's crazy being on a college campus as a dropout basically, and seeing all the people milling about in their baggy pants / wannabe newyorker / wannabe l.a. outfits. i saw a woman dressed like a pop star walk by really fast.

i tried some of my gf's pumpkin spice thing today, it was excessively good at the start and, by now, since it's unfinished, it tastes horrifically strong of pumpkin spice. i've never had one of these things before, so i don't know if that's how these drinks work, in that they become really disgusting at the end.

i also got to cook tonight, finally, which means i've exhausted all the chicken i've prepared and i need to bring out the chicken i've had in the freezer for a bit now out tomorrow, and then start cutting it up the day after. i mostly just cook stir fried chicken w/ vegetables, which is always the most annoying part of cooking, preparing the vegetables every night. or idk, maybe the chicken sucks to cut/butcher, especially after thawing cuz it hurts my hands.

maybe i'm rushing rn cuz my hands are dry because of doing dishes. i'll put lotion on.

i put lotion on and i also put lotion on my gf's hands because she said they were itchy. i also washed my face (+ moisturized + used olay retinol WITH PEPTIDES #wow #whoa) and changed into the clothes i'm going to wear to bed, the clothes i'm wearing to bed tonight are just kneesocks and a giant torn up bud light shirt.

i said dropout, i can talk about that more i guess, because i think about the whole situation and get kind of annoyed sometimes. not about not being in school, i kind of despised/despise school, i'm maybe too nonfunctional for it in some ways, my last semester was really insanely miserable, outside of meeting my girlfriend there, nothing good was really happening, i wrote a really insane paper for communications 101 about my uncle dying after my family bought him a huge tv so he would come out into the living room more, that wish implying: you should want to be alive enough to at least walk to the living room. he let himself get gangrene and lost a leg and still died. oh well. i loved him and stuff of course, i still do. it just fills me with something strange i guess, that whole situation. i remember i was reading nekojiru udon at the time, i think the chapter about the clown who helps you disappear/become a ghost forever. if it wasn't that one, it was about the wizard who doesn't believe in anything.

anyways, i dropped out during covid, because i can't do online school, our school transitioned to online during covid thru the semester and i was miserable, even though the teachers gave us such easy outs, i fucked that up. mostly because i wanted to ignore that i had anything to do anyways, which is how i was in middleschool + first year of hs when i was taught online. it's really not good for anyone, a miserable sort of thing. actually, that reminds me of something really funny, when i first got on tumblr, when i was, like, i dunno, 13-12, i looked up the tag for the e-school i was in, and i saw a bunch of people who were suffering how i was at that time, i wanted to show my mom how it wasn't just me or something but i kept it to myself, i was really happy to not be alone.

dropped out is a strong word, i guess i quit, which feels better, i didn't go back, is all, not mid-semester or anything. that compounded with not being allowed to leave the house for over a year drove me a little crazy i guess, which also brought me back to a place i hadn't been since that middleschool period, where i was getting such little socialization it started seeming scary again. it doesn't really anymore but i hate going outside now more than i used to, i can't blame that on anything other than myself being kind of a stupid bitch but whatever.

anyways it's more fun to think about how tomorrow i'm gonna see all my friends and hopefully stay out late with them. i don't know what to do about music though, i'll have a lot of time in the morning, but no new lyrics for some of these songs, oh, also, i need to mix the vocals lower in a couple songs. specifically 'discomfort,' ignore my note taking, cuz it's just better if i write it down, it'll help me remember.

writing other things has been slow. i need to do something about that. something feels near completion though, i want to hurry along to finishing a first draft, arranging it. maybe tonight i'll just move things around, see what needs furthering at this point.

right now i'm wishing i could do my hip thrusts but there are towels on the couch and i guess i can just fix that myself actually. oh well. oh well meaning, i guess i will, but maybe not, it depends on if i write a lot more somewhere else that you won't see maybe ever.

ok i wrote a little more, that's good. at least ending one part for the next, which only needs to be opened and ended because the middle's basically there. third part, that one needs major stapling together but it's basically all there, part 4 is done, essentially, and the 5th part has scattered chunks but it doesn't need to be long.

i feel like i make myself seem empty in these. do i, maybe i am. i worry about that a lot, being empty, there's nothing in my head, i don't have a soul, and i'm not a person. i don't believe in a self anyways, and that's why my relationship with all of me is so fucked up. i can call myself a dumb princess if i want, at least.

i have a friend and she hates that my gf says i'm her wife, because she thinks it's just because i do the cooking / cleaning / basically everything domestic. i think that's strange, she's a radfem and i basically understand hating that kind of thing, identifying that kind of labor with femininity is something that will lead to more subjugation / weirdly conceiving of all that. or at least that's how i'm going to put it since i don't want to really get into the weeds, the weeds feel annoying right now, when the point i'm really making is that it's weird that even though i only try to look, i don't know, mostly feminine at this point, that people think i really care that people think of me that way/ that i don't want that to happen. that way is intentionally vague because i hate saying anything definite. i'm always going back and forth on what i am and i'll never figure it out because maybe there's just nothing in me in the first place.

that's histrionic and dumb, i guess.

i want to go crazy/look crazy tomorrow. i think it's fucked up how much i want to look crazy, because that means i'm overthinking everything. it's also vaguely fucked that it makes me feel pretty, to look crazy, but i guess i have to take that when i can get it. i put some thought into how i'm going to schedule how i get ready tomorrow, i do that normally now, but there was a time where i didn't. i don't know if i'm happier for that or not but it feels like it's an essential part of how i am now so it's not like i can give it up.

today i also worked on cover art for a friend, which i won't post cuz idk if i like it yet, i think i do, but i'll look tomorrow and feel like it looks sort of, i dunno, cheap, cheap is the goal but it needs to be an accurate sort of cheap.

anyways i'll leave you with this since i brought it up, i remember when i read it, i felt just like the boy who was so totally gone from the world. it made me very emotional in a weird way, at the time, it still does halfway.

[qianoir]

After Midnight 3 - Stars

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: college dropout!Ten (WayV) x fem!reader

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: non-idol au, angst with fluff on top

𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: 13+

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: cursing (censored), lying, family problems, mentions death of reader's father, romance

♡ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.9K

𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭: @staysstrays

Preview < 1 < 2 < 3

Your head was pounding from your ears drinking in the tantrum of a 3 year old boy, the cries diving straight into your ringing eardrums. A young couple showed up with their child who started offing himself about your café not having some made up hybrid cake he wanted for the last 10 minutes.

The boy started flailing around and knocked his mother's iced Americano out of her hand in the process, landing the freezing and pungent liquid all over you.

The LED clock above you flickered with a new hour, freeing you from the café’s dark roasted chains. You ripped the soaked apron over your head and stuffed it into the back room’s washing machine before taking hold of your belongings and rushing out of the building after saying a quick “good-bye” to your mother- who was not about to deal with the coddled boy and you leaving all at once, so she kicked the spoiled family out, them following your irritated trail on the way through the doors.

You were walking fast to have a little costume change before meeting up with Ten and his friends, 5 o’clock coming within the next 20 minutes.

Y/N

Heyyo I had a little accident at work so I'm going to stop by my place to clean up before heading over to yours.

Once you were in your own space, you peeled the rest of the coffee soaked clothing off of your body, sticking the wet collection into the washer to cold soak after dressing up nicely.

TEN

d.amn it y/n you are too old to be soiling yourself

???

Y/N

That’s not what I meant!

TEN

Whatever ;p

Stepping out into the bright evening air, you realized you don't even know where the hell to go. The napkin with the address was in the pocket of your apron washing back at the café.

You recognized the street that leads to Décalcomanie, the street that leads to Myeongdong, and one leading to a duck shop.

Admitting defeat, you texted Ten.

Y/N

hey so I left the napkin with your address in my apron.. which I don't have would you mind sending it to me?

TEN

such a handful~

You followed the GPS to his address. His apartment building was on the other side of your school you usually metro to, so it was a pretty tiring walk. Arriving fashionably late, you knocked on door number 117.

There was a lot of commotion and screaming, as you were previously informed. Finally, Ten opened the door and waved for you to come in.

Taking your shoes off at the entrance, you saw three guys tackling each other, two others playing video games, and one really fine looking man behind an island in the kitchen.

"Hello!!" One of the guys being tackled shouted and waved at you which got him punched in the back by the guy orchestrating the tackling. You hesitantly waved back "Hi Y/N!!" The boy in the kitchen said with a charming smile.

"Lovely place." You said to Ten with a giggle as he closed the door with an annoyed look on his face. "Y/N, these are my friends,"

He took you over to the couch where the two players were. "This is Sicheng and Xuxi," The two boys playing Mario Kart threw a glance your way and waved with a smile. "these fools are Hendery, Xiaojun, and Yangyang.."

Hendery strained to wave again under the two boys with a big smile on his face, as did the two others. Ten swayed you into the kitchen and introduced you to the last man. This guy was so handsome, like the Asian bachelor. "I'm Kun." The man greeted, kindly.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Y/N. Our Ten always talks about you." Yangyang says walking towards you two. Ten sent him a glare. "Is that so?"

"At least I'm not blind from having my head up my ass all day, Yangyang shut up!" His voice cracked, making you and Yangyang erupt in laughter.

"Anyways, if you'll excuse us- I invited Y/N here for us to be alone." He took your wrist in his grasp and led you to a room.

Ten pet a space on the bed for you to sit down while he leaned over his desk, searching on his laptop. A slow beat filled the room. You recognized this song- the song your dad would play for your mom in the car on long road trips: Something by The Beatles.

Something in the way she moves

attracts me like no other lover

Something in her style that shows me

I don’t want to leave her now

you know I believe and how.

Your parents were so in love. When your father first heard this song, he had made it their special theme to portray their love. They had both become big fans of The Beatles and always had this song pop up at least once in every holiday or event playlist or could be caught quoting it occasionally when the timing was right. Your heart sank in your chest at the memory.

You hadn't realized that the song had ended or that Ten was at your side watching you intently. You looked up at him and he offered a small smile.

"My parents used to listen to this song all the time."

"Really? Are you guys close?"

Your mouth felt sour hearing the inevitable question. “My dad died from pneumonia when I was younger. My mom tries to be present for me, but I know she misses him.” Tears puddled at your waterline as you forced yourself not to cry. “Sometimes I think she only keeps trying because she thinks I’m studying premed when I really hide pointe shoes in my closet. I don’t have the heart to tell her what I’m really majoring in.. because I’m terrified of us losing each other completely and frankly, she would never forgive me of my dishonesty if she would stay.”

"It's not wrong.. following your passion" Ten announced after a whole note of silence, "I'm sorry for making you bring up such a past, but I’m happy I can at least sympathize with you..” He looked away from you to recall his memories clearly.

“My parents didn't agree with me wanting to study dance either. And they certainly did not agree with me leaving my hometown in Thailand and dropping out of college to come here for the best art opportunities. Mine and the rest of the guys outside; all of us are a little more distant from our family than usual just because we are passionate." Ten confessed.

"I'm sorry." You weakly rasped.

"I'm not." Ten smiled at you.

"My friends and I are doing what we love without anyone holding us back and one day it's going to all pay off.. I know it will.. If it wouldn't I would have never dropped out."

You could understand where he was coming from. He is really passionate and faithful to his dreams, it is a little inspiring.

"And you seem to be doing good on your own, too. You're studying dance, which I'm sure you're amazing at, and working at the café to help your mom, letting people make a mess of you that you always undoubtedly pick yourself up from." You laughed, the sad tears rolling down your cheeks and turning to bittersweet tears of joy.

"Thank you, Ten."

"Anytime, Y/N." He handed you a napkin for your eyes.

A cough was heard outside the closed door, along with faint whispers.

"Lucas, shut the HELL up!"

Ten got up and opened the door, making four boys come tumbling inside the room.

All rushing to get up, Lucas stayed laying on the floor, "Uh, hi guys." he offered a charming smile. "We were just coming to tell you that dinner is ready?" Yangyang shrugged obviously.

Ten snickered.

"Nice try, guys-"

"Dinner is ready!" Kun yelled from the kitchen.

"What did I tell you?" Yangyang stuck out his tongue, cockily. Ten rolled his eyes and looked over at you,

"Would you like to stay for dinner?"

"Uhm-"

"She is staying, I already made her a plate!" Kun yelled once again from the kitchen. The other boys ran out of the doorway to the kitchen.

"I guess it's settled then..." Ten sighed and reached his hand out to you, which you took. You were led into the dining room where the other boys sat. Ten placed you in a chair next to his and Kun’s.

Kun had made zhajiangmian, a Chinese traditional celebration/comfort food aka Chinese spaghetti. It tasted so much better than the bread pastries and milk teas you had been living off of in the past year.

Everyone was very talkative during dinner, you even found out that Ten choreographs his own dances for himself and the others to perform and learned that Kun has a degree in music from a prestigious university in Beijing. The boys you had dinner with were really fun to be around and gave you lots of energy after the intricate start to the new semester.

You didn't realize how lonely your little apartment was until now, even when sharing it with your mother most nights. They made you feel so comfortable and content after lacking companionship since your high school days. Also the food was really good, thanks to Kun.

Everybody finished their food but still continued the little chat at the dinner table "And this one time, Ten ate butter thinking it was ice cream! Who does that!?" Yangyang finished off his story punching the table with laughter.

You glanced at the time on your phone. It was almost 10 o'clock and you had to get to sleep early for your new 8 AM class.

Ten turned to you when he felt short tugs at his hoodie. "Cinderella has to get home?"

The room got quiet with Ten’s words, but quickly exploded in a swarm of whines and begs for you to stay. You gave them an apologetic smile.

Ten stood up, pulling me with him, "I'll walk you home." He was already at the door, kicking on his shoes. Everyone bid you good-bye as you waved to all of them before you and Ten were out the door.

"It's this way." You motioned in the direction of your apartments. Ten nodded and followed your path. It was silent the whole way, but it was a nice silence. It was peaceful with just you two. Arriving soon, you  stopped in front of the entrance and turned around to look at Ten.

"Thank you for having me over, I really enjoyed it. Your friends are really nice."

"Of course. I’m really glad you came. I like spending time with you and I think my friends do as well."

Smiles were exchanged and hearts skipped, both of your breathing patterns were evident in each other’s dialogue. "Do you have any last lyrics before we end the night?"

Your building never shines like the others in its distance. The only light around you is the one that blooms in space and allows the stars to twinkle down to where you stand. Ten took your chin is his hand and created perfect eye contact:

"Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And all the things that you do.”

He tossed your chin up before walking off into the night.

To Be Continued…

Something by The Beatles

Yellow by Coldplay

𝘲𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘳

[unholy-randomness]

Starting off easy, I like to be really loud about my opinions when I'm with the right people, and I was about to go be really obnoxious about my opinion of the book The Love Hypothesis, which honestly would have been a bad review, when I decided that maybe I should start off a little nicer.

Before I go off about May the Best Man Win, by ZR Ellor, just keep in mind that I'm going to stay far away from talking about representation in depth because I am out of my depth here. I'm sticking to character development, the plot and themes for the benefit of literally everyone.

Quick rundown of important things:

The main characters are, Jeremy Harkiss, Lukas Rivers and the secondary characters include Naomi, Sol, Ben and a lot more characters.

The book is written from the alternating POVs of Lukas and Jeremy.

The main plot device is that they both want to be the Homecoming king for their own reasons and they basically seem down for anything to get there.

Now for my illustrious opinions.

Firstly, the race for Homecoming King drives the plot, but it's not something that they just want for popularity. Lukas thinks if he wins, he can go to a good college the year after and so maybe he won't be a letdown to his family who ignore him in favour of his older and recently dead brother (I could have put that better ack). Jeremy thinks that being the Homecoming king would get him the validation he wants as a man (He's trans btw I forgot to mention that). So at the very beginning, you get to know each characters motivations and as the story goes, their character growth is very prominent.

The background characters have their own stuff going on. Naomi and Ben have their typical Asian Family Expectations ™ plotline and yes I will give it to you that it is stereotypical, very surface level, but this is represented either from Jeremy's or Lukas' point of view. Canonically, Jeremy is too wrapped up in his own problems, like his transitioning and validation needs, to focus on his friend Naomi, and it's a big thing in the book that he feels bad about but also can't help because he is too overwhelmed. Lukas has the same blinders, because he is too focussed on keeping his family steady after his brother's death, and because he can't cope with how they treat him. A very minor background character was a college dropout with 2 jobs and criminal tendencies (very complained about online btw) and well, it was badly done but that character was a very background character. While it could have been done better, it's not a big deal if his whole story isn't done in detail.

The secondary characters are allowed their opinions and the main characters' actions and behaviour have impacts and consequences. Naomi and Jeremy basically don't talk to each other because of how self absorbed Jeremy is, Lukas ends up pushing people away because of how goal oriented he is. And yes, the main characters feel bad about it, but they don't get this dealt with until like 3/4th of the way in, which is fine.

Btw, Lukas and Jeremy dated before Jeremy came out. I'm guessing people figured it out even though I didn't mention it. Okay, so they're broken up when the story starts and it's fine because we are given the character backgrounds. We dont need to accept at face value that Lukas and Jeremy used to date and broke up and still like each other. There's reasoning, there is observable behaviour. It's a big part of their stories but not so big that it overshadows other conflicts, like each characters internal turmoils and I think that's pretty great. Especially because that is why Jeremy broke up with Lukas, because he couldn't deal with Lukas' emotional baggage as well as his own stuff. Good decision making? No. Realistic? Yes. Lukas is very annoyed at Jeremy's behaviour for understandable reasons. That's good. Your main characters aren't there to be perfect and liked. Hell, id probably really dislike Jeremy if I knew him, but at the same time, it might be because he's too real to me. Jeremy is what I could very easily turn into and it's scary and it's a good thing for a character to be. Lukas, I don't personally relate to, but I know that he has the same impact on others. Even I, and I am completely clueless about anything related to being neurodivergent, or the need to prove myself to my family, could see where Lukas was coming from and that's brilliant.

Okay, Lukas being autistic may be good rep or bad rep, I wouldn't know and I am not proud of that. But why hasn't it featured in this yet if it's a main plot point? Well, I've been avoiding it, and also because Lukas avoids the topic so while it's there, it's there as something he feels the need to overcome. Good message? No. But that's the point. The book doesn't glorify that or anything, it's part of the character's struggles and beliefs.

The other character id like to bring up is Sol. They are non binary and a computer geek and on surface level the Characterisation ends there. Good? No. Regardless of that, they are an important character because of their associations to Jeremy and Lukas. Their relationship with Lukas could use work. A lot of it. But their relationship with Jeremy is honestly great. Sol is both a plot device which I'm not happy about, because there's so much potential, and their own character. They act as a plot device because of how they impact Jeremy. Jeremy wants to do away with his identity as a Trans Boy, because to him and to Society, it is a reminder that he isn't the exact same. Problematic but that's the point. Sol desperately wants Jeremy to really own his identity as a trans boy and as a gay boy, and their influence and by association, the GSL's influence on Jeremy makes him a lot less antisocial. Oh look, character development.

Lukas, once he gets his closure from Jeremy, grows because he isn't held back by that nagging thought anymore. And it's gradual but it's great.

To wrap up (because I could go on and on but I'm lazy) it's a good book, it has its flaws but really, what book does not. The main reason I give it a pretty good review is maybe because I like it. I might be back with problems later once I get a bit detached. But that won't mean the book was unenjoyable because it was a great read, and oh my god if you get attached to a character, get ready to die of heartache.

Anyway, this hasn't been a hot take, but it's been a very long review.

-Berry