#I did this exact thing and just bawled for like an hour by myself at church lol

[skyloftian-nutcase]

I... I see you ask box says writing prompts too? Could I maybe if you feel like writing it ever request a scene of healthcare au Hyrule getting a hug? Or on break? Or having a day off? Whether its because he's sick or something really bad happened or if its just a good day and his friends just love him or whatever is up to you.

(@ludoluck @keestones @paradoxical-hermitcrab @artisticgamer)

Have all the Hyrule fuff and hurt/comfort, sweetheart. <3

The tones dropped, making Hyrule jump out of his skin. He bolted up in bed, flinging the blanket off him when he saw Mo stretching lazily and looking at his watch.

"It's shift change, Roolie," Mo said sleepily. "Not our call anymore."

Hyrule blinked once, twice, and then it sank in. He sighed in relief, falling back to his pillow. Thank goodness.

He had two whole days off now. And he wasn't entirely sure what to do with them, but he would definitely figure something out.

Hopping out of bed and throwing the linens into the laundry bin, he opted for having a nice warm shower and he'd start figuring out what to do from there. As the water ran over him, he remembered that he'd told Legend he'd stop by his place to hang out for a bit. Legend was a night shifter, so he was likely asleep right now, which meant Hyrule could spend the morning hiking on the mountain trails outside of town.

As Hyrule biked away from the station, he giggled, letting the morning breeze wake him up. He felt so alive letting gravity push him down a gigantic hill that he laughed the entire way to the bottom. The smell of his favorite bakery wafted in the air, and he parked his bike outside the shop and strolled in.

"Good morning, Pita," Hyrule greeted with a smile.

Pita turned, her brown eyes brightening. "Oh, hello, Hyrule! We haven't seen you all week, I was getting worried!"

Hyrule rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "I had picked up a few extra shits and this bakery isn't in our first due."

Pita put her hands on her hips with a humph. "Well, it should be, and you shouldn't be working so hard. Now, you want the usual?"

Hyrule nodded eagerly, and then he turned to find a table when he saw a familiar face.

"Four?" he asked, prompting the person in question to look up. It was Four, snuggled warmly in a slightly oversized tie dye hoodie with a book propped open beside some scones and tea.

The ICU nurse smiled warmly. "Hey, Hyrule! What are you doing here?"

"I come here on my days off because they've got the best bread in town," Hyrule answered, walking over to his friend's table. "You?"

Four moved a newspaper from the other side of the table, giving Hyrule space. "I come here every day that I can. It's a nice little morning routine when I have mornings to spare."

Hyrule hesitated. "Oh, I--I don't want to interrupt your morning routine--"

"Roolie, sit down," Four said exasperatedly with a good-natured roll of his eyes. "It's nice to see you not wearing a duty uniform once in a while."

"Yeah," Hyrule laughed a little. "I get that a lot. I guess maybe I should try to take some more time off."

Four watched him almost pleadingly. "Please do."

Moving past that subject, the paramedic asked, "What are you reading?"

Four immediately brightened, and dove into a full narrative of the story, which was about a group of heroes trying to destroy a cursed magical item. Hyrule was so enthralled by the story that he didn't realize how much time passed until his phone started buzzing.

Hyrule! Where the hell are you, you dope don't tell me you picked up another damn shift!

Hyrule read the text on his home page, and without even having to look at the sender he laughed. Legend had apparently woken up early.

Four and Hyrule parted ways, and after about a half hour's bike ride, Hyrule arrived at Legend's apartment. His friend met him outside, stretching and yawning.

"Rav's on the warpath and I didn't want you to get dragged into it," Legend remarked at seeing Hyrule's questioning look.

"About what?"

The travel nurse shrugged. "Probably because I hid his stuff. But that's what he gets for selling mine."

Hyrule laughed and then stopped himself, embarrassed. He wasn't sure Legend found it a laughing matter, but the pair was entertainingly chaotic. It was almost as bad as watching Legend and Warriors go at each other, or Warriors and Twilight.

"So where are we going?" Hyrule asked.

Legend pulled up the map on his phone. "Well, last century when you had a day off, we went to Beedle's to check out his wares... oh wait, I just remembered--I saw this place and thought we should check it out!"

Hyrule walked over to look at where Legend was pointing. "Misery Mire? What's that?"

"It's an escape room!" Legend answered. "I bet they got some great prizes if we can crack it."

Hyrule smiled in excitement. He loved solving puzzles with Legend. "Let's go!"

XXX

Hyrule had known the code was rough. But it hadn't been his first code. It hadn't been the first time a patient had died and he hadn't gotten them back. He'd known it would make him feel a little tired for a day or so and then he'd move on. That's how it worked. He had to move on.

He hadn't expected this one to linger.

He'd thought he was fine. Truly, he did. Until he'd happened to look at an X-ray of some random patient in the emergency department, glancing at it over Warriors' shoulder as he babbled about something to Legend, and then suddenly Hyrule felt the grandmother's ribs breaking under his hands all over again as if he were in his ambulance doing compressions, the grandson sobbing outside his truck.

And then he'd realized that maybe he wasn't okay.

So here he was, sitting at Telma's Bar and sipping some milk and just... existing. He didn't really know how to address the issue. He'd gone over the code multiple times, and he knew that he'd done what he could. He didn't understand why this one in particular hit so hard.

Maybe it was that he had told the grandson he was going to be okay. Maybe it was that he had told the grandson he would take good care of his grandmother.

It wasn't like he hadn't, he couldn't help that she'd died. Her blood pressure was better when he was doing chest compressions on her than when she had been alive! He'd obviously done what he could.

So why is this bothering me so much?!

Sky would say he should go to church and pray about it. That's what Sky did a lot. But Hyrule didn't really know what he was supposed to pray about or say about it. So he just sat here instead.

"Hyrule?"

Hyrule nearly jumped out of his skin, and he turned sharply to see Twilight.

"Hey, buddy, what's wrong?" Twi asked gently, cocking his head to the side. Apparently it was obvious that Hyrule wasn't feeling great.

And something about Twilight's tone of voice just set him off.

Hyrule immediately felt his eyes start to water, his throat tightened, and his entire body trembled. He bit his tongue, hoping the pain would make the reaction recede, but it didn't really help. He couldn't eve choke out any words at this point. Crap.

Twilight watched him a moment longer before approaching and carefully encircling his arms around the medic in a gentle hug. Hyrule melted into it, crying softly into Twi's shirt, gripping it and shaking like a leaf.

He couldn't put what was wrong into words, but he didn't have to. Twilight just held him, rubbing a reassuring hand up and down his back. And somehow that was enough, allowing the young medic to just let himself go.

[nythroughthelens]

(This is one of the most personal pieces of writing about myself and my snow photography that I have ever shared. It includes Cure lyrics, a smattering of beautiful painful memories, etc. It was shared 5 years ago when my book New York in the Snow made it into The NY Times.)

It's early morning. I am 10 years old.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table furiously scribbling details onto a blueprint that I've painstakingly drawn over the course of the last five days.

The blueprint is for my own chocolate factory fueled by my fourth reading of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The drawing and its details are etched onto blank newsprint sheets that my family refers to as scrap paper.

---

My father fell into his job as a union pressman for the Daily News out of necessity.

He had just moved to New York City with next to nothing aside from his wife, a suitcase full of clothing, and a few dollars.

Having only completed a Junior High School level education in the poor farming community he lived in growing up, he didn't have a lot of choice when it came to joining the workforce.

When someone introduced him to the newspaper Pressman's Union, his life changed. The union took him in and trained him in the brute art of loading printing presses endlessly.

He worked nights for the next 20 years loading printing presses for the Daily News. His knees and back suffered as did his general mood. He was an irascible character that I rarely saw. But he was an irascible character that kept a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.

In 1993, he moved from loading printing presses for the Daily News to doing the same exact thing for the New York Times. This was a huge deal for him. Even though he was still breaking his back literally and metaphorically, the clout of working for the Times vs the Daily News was enough to make him smile (a rarity) and celebrate when he got confirmation of the upward move to the Times.

I grew up with an understanding that the New York Times was a paper that held weight in the minds of many. But it was the place where other people got mentioned and written about. It was a place to admire other people, not the people I grew up with or even people like myself who were living on the bitter edges of poverty barely eeking out an existence.

Because of my father, I grew up with newspaper.

I relished the large amounts of blank newsprint scrap paper that existed in our house. It was the kindling for my escapist imagination.

On this blank newsprint canvas I would scrawl out information about my endless Dungeon and Dragons campaigns and story arcs, and draw blueprints for my future fantasy wardrobes reminiscent of the one in Chronicles of Narnia.

---

It's a grim, rainy afternoon. I am 25 years old.

I have just celebrated my birthday and I am sitting on a couch I rescued from the trash at one point.

I have been living on my own for the last seven years having been disowned by my parents due to religious differences.

The only break in the loud silence of being disowned came in the form of a phone call from my mother when I was 20 years old. She called to let me know that my father died.

I start listening to a Sigur Ros album.

The music swells to an emotive crescendo. It's the type of crescendo that propagates self-reflection. I start to try to imagine my future and start bawling. It's not pretty tears that I cry but rather it's soul-wrenching ugly streams of futility and despair that pour down my face.

I've been working seven days a week in dead-end jobs for years and I am so tired.

My roommate and his girlfriend come home right at that moment. He sees me on the couch bawling and sits next to me. Without any words exchanged, we hug for a good half hour while I sob uncontrollably. I feel his ribs poking out and it reminds me of how fragile existence is.

I go to sleep that night the same way I have been going to sleep for years, recalling a blizzard that happened when I was a child.

My father had to stay home from work that night since the trains were not running. Our neighbors offered use of their sleds and my parents happily took them up on the offer.

As soon as my father stepped outside, his face erupted into a huge grin as he pulled me and my brothers on the sled through the streets of Flushing.

The wind kissed our faces and the snow swirled like confetti in a ticker-tape parade.

I looked up at the street lights and realized that in that moment, everything was full of wonder and magic.

And I returned to this moment every night for years when bedtime was the only thing I looked forward to.

----

It's almost midnight. It's the Winter of 2012.

I am feverishly checking the weather forecast to figure out when the first snowflakes will fall to the ground.

I listen to The Cure - Plainsong on repeat. It's my ritual before every snowstorm.

The chimes start and as the lyrics kick in, I get goosebumps:

"I think it's dark and it looks like it's rain, you said

And the wind is blowing like it's the end of the world, you said

And it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead

And you smiled for a second

I think I'm old and I'm feeling pain, you said

And it's all running out like it's the end of the world, you said

And it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead

And you smiled for a second

Sometimes you make me feel

Like I'm living at the edge of the world

Like I'm living at the edge of the world

It's just the way I smile, you said"

I have felt like I've been living at the edge of the world for what seems like an eternity.

It's these lyics I hear in my mind when I walk seven or eight miles in snowstorms trying to capture what loneliness, isolation, and nostalgia have felt like trying to survive alone in New York City.

I lose myself everytime I go out in the snow.

I lose the feeling of hunger gnawing its way through my stomach for years.

I lose the crushing feeling of futility I used to feel heading to endless dead-end jobs hoping to keep the lights on for another month.

I lose the years of wondering if my family ever thinks of me.

I lose the bits of myself that suffered the most.

I lose the anger, the sadness, the loss.

I am cleansed by the flakes as they flutter in the night air and land on my nose and eyelashes.

I am, momentarily, that child in my neighbor's sled looking up at streetlights marveling at the wonder of existence.

----

It's today.

I walk to the newsstand.

I open the New York Times and see my book, New York in the Snow, staring back at me.

I grin for what seems like an eternity.

----

(shared before another season of sharing my snow photography)

[radiant-reid]

Touched starved

It was no secret this case had been extra hard on Spencer. Even Y/n, the newest member of the team, knew some bad things happened when he was kidnapped by Tobias Hankel. Most of the details were covered up though.

Spencer didn’t talk about it much. Only a few words when he felt strong enough. With having only been at the BAU for two years Y/n knew the least of what happened. 

Then again, she was a profiler. She could tell this case was having a more-than-usual bad effect on Spencer. 

It was because of the parallels, she figured. This unsub had been kidnapping and torturing victims. Having to solve it and, more importantly, knowing there was someone out there just like him, was hard on Spencer. 

His brain almost didn’t work as it ran constant flashbacks of what Hankel did to him. Like a horror movie with no ending. 

Everyone noticed, not just Y/n.

She just didn’t understand why they wouldn’t help him. They were all far closer to him than Y/n was. Prentiss, Morgan and JJ didn’t seem to be doing anything to help him but Y/n just felt like she couldn’t let him suffer in silence. She knew Garcia had tried to ask him how he was on the phone but there was only so much she could do from so far away. It wasn’t any of the team's fault though, they knew how Spencer operated.

That was how she found herself outside his hotel room on the 3rd night of the case. After seeing his condition slowly deteriorate throughout the hours they’d been on the case, she couldn’t just sit by. So dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants, she knocked on his door. 

“Y/n... what are you doing here?” Spencer asked as he opened the door to see who it was. It was very obvious that in the 4 hours since Hotch had sent them to get some rest, Spencer had not slept a second. 

“I...” Y/n didn’t actually know how to answer his question. Instead, she just walked into his hotel room which caused him a lot of confusion. The puzzled look on his face didn’t stop. “I’m here for you, Spence.” She told him as she sat on his bed. 

“Obviously, you’re in my room but I don’t understand why.” He replied. His brows were furrowed and his arms crossed across his chest. At least he’d changed into a hoodie and pants. Y/n didn’t think she’d ever seen him in a hoodie. 

“Come here.” She instructed and he obliged, walking over to her so he was at the foot of the bed. “I’m here so you can have someone to talk to. Or not to talk to.” She explained. He still, very obviously, didn’t understand. “You haven’t stopped working on this case for almost 72 hours straight, that’s unhealthy. Now, you’re going to relax and just stop thinking about it.” 

Spencer huffed out a sigh. “I can’t just stop thinking about it.”

“Why?” 

“There’s someone out there who can’t stop thinking about it. He’s scared, terrified. And he’s just hoping that we can save him. But everything is telling him that there’s no one left. That they’re going to get there and be left with just his body.” Spencer hunched over as he talked, feeling as small as he looked. Tears were forming in his eyes and he was desperately fighting them. “I can’t stop working on this because we need to find out where he is. I can’t stop working on this because he can’t stop thinking about it. He’s living through the torture but he’s going to give up and want to give in to death.”

“What happened, Spencer?” Y/n softly asked as the tears started spilling down his cheeks. 

He just stood there blankly. “I can’t.” He sobbed out. 

Y/n knew about his aversion to hugs but she pulled him in for one, wrapping her arms around his slender waist. To her surprise, he leant into the embrace. 

They stayed like that for a while before she pulled back, picking up his hand. She moved back so she was sitting against the headboard and pulled Spencer over, patting her lap. He didn’t even give a second thought to lay his head on her lap. His brain could almost stop spinning as he laid there. 

Y/n moved her hand to his hair, threading it through her fingers. It was remarkably soft and fluffy. 

“What happened to you, Spence?” She asked him again. 

With tears still streaming out his eyes he could answer. “It hurt so much, Y/n. He wouldn’t stop it, no matter how much I begged. I was so helpless there.” He choked out, in a broken sentence due to his heavy breathing. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here.” Y/n comforted again. She tested out the boundaries by running her hand over his cheek and when he leant into her hand she continued to brush the tears off his cheek. “Let it all out.”

“I couldn’t do anything!” Spencer cried. It was the most painful sound she’d ever heard. Someone so composed and always perfect falling apart. He was broken. “I just sat there while he beat me. I can still feel it. When I close my eyes sometimes I see him. It’s so stupid because I know, scientifically, I’m experiencing PTSD but sometimes I feel all the walls coming down on me.”

Y/n’s heart broke for him. “Spencer, it’s not stupid.” He cried even harder at that. 

“I just need to crack the case and save him, Y/n. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.”

Y/n moved her hand to rub his back. “I know you feel that way.” She didn’t really know what to say to comfort him. He was so often the one helping everyone else out. 

“I feel so silly for still being scared too.” He mentioned. 

“Oh, Spence, it’s okay. Hankel is dead and you’re safe now.” She soothed him, still rubbing circles in his back.

He was still bawling his eyes out, feeling unbearable sadness. “I know that. But I still see him and I can still remember every second of it.”

“You didn’t deserve any of that.” She told him firmly. “He was sick, I know you know that. You went through the worst things imaginable and you’re so strong.”

He lightly nodded. “Will it get better?”

“Yes, if you keep talking about it. To anyone. JJ?” Y/n suggested. 

“I like talking to you.” He mentioned it, quieter than before. Y/n could finally smile at that. Despite everything, Spencer was still so kind. 

“Good.” She told him as she moved her hand back to his hair. “I could see it was getting to you. With all the similarities in him drugging and abusing his victims. I can’t imagine what you went through but I’m so proud of you.” She continued, meaning every word she told him. 

The tears had stopped coming so fast now. They were still constant but a weaker flow. “I just felt so helpless when I was there.”

Y/n almost chuckled at that. “Spencer, from what I’ve heard you were the one who told the team how to find you. I think you were so brave and I know they’re all so proud of you.” She told him. 

“Thank you.” He murmured as he moved his head in her lap. She continued to comb through his hair. 

They stayed in the exact position for a while. Until, eventually, the tears stopped. 

Spencer then sat up. His cheeks were flushed red as he made eye contact with Y/n. “I’m sorry I completely freaked out.” He nervously rambled out an apology. 

Y/n couldn’t have shaken her head faster. “Spencer Reid, you don’t have to be sorry for anything. Everyone needs someone to talk to.”

“I’ve got to save him, Y/n,” Spencer told her as he moved to get up off the bed, no doubt to go to his makeshift workspace. 

Instead, Y/n tugged on his arm, not letting him move. “I know you’ve got to, Spence. But you can’t do that if you haven’t slept or relaxed in days.” She informed him. He was smart enough, and he had read at least 300 articles on the importance of sleep, to not argue with her. 

“Okay, I’ll sleep. Thanks for coming to see me.” He told her, trying to get her out of the room. 

Y/n noticed. “I don’t think so. You’re stuck with me for the night, buddy.” She told him as she pattered her lap again. 

He looked like he was thinking about putting his head on it but he stopped. “Then you won’t sleep.” He realised.

“Okay then,” Y/n said as she pulled the covers of his bed up and got in. “I hope you’re okay with cuddling.” She was a little worried he wouldn’t be into it, just because of his germaphobic nature. But her worries subsided when he got in next to her and quickly put his head on her chest, 

Y/n moved so she was lying flat on her back with her head on a pillow. Spencer put his own head on her chest and wrapped his arms around her waist like a baby koala would its mother. 

She moved her arm so she could wrap it around Spencer’s torso and pull him closed but he stopped her. “Can you, uh... could you do it to my, um, hair?” He nervously asked. 

Happy to oblige, Y/n moved her hand to his hair and started to run her fingers through it. “If you just want to lie here it’s fine but we can talk too.” She offered him, still unsure of what he needed. Spencer was so used to closing up that he decided to go against what his brain was telling him. 

“My parents,’ He started, “When I was little we didn’t really do touching... no one’s ever hugged me like this.” The thought of a little kid Spencer not getting hugged broke Y/n’s heart again. 

“Is this okay?” She asked, cautious of where his boundaries might lie. 

“Yes.” He hurriedly answered, not wanting her to stop for a second. “I like it. I just didn’t get hugs as a kid from anyone. And as I grew up I learnt more about germs and figured that’s why my parents repealed me.” He spoke slowly and softly like he was half asleep. Maybe he was. “But I like this. It makes me feel better.” He figured. 

“That’s good.” Y/n hummed. “I’m always here for you if you want to talk or just cuddle.” She told him. 

The smile she could feel against her chest warmed her heart. “I’d like that and please don’t stop stroking my hair.” 

She smiled at that. “I won’t.” She meant it as she leant down to place a kiss on his forehead.

[antebunny]

April 30: rebirth

(Also called Bargaining–idea is taken from an old Loki fic with the same time travel premise).

When Jiang Yanli dies, Wei Wuxian goes into denial and just runs from Nightless City. He goes back to the Burial Mounds and feverishly works on a time travel array. Within the month he completes it and prepares to travel back in time, but there’s a catch. He first activates the array and then spends the next several hours going through the ritual, while outside the Siege of the Burial Mounds begins. The Wens know what Wei Wuxian is up to so they understand why he’s not bothering to protect them. He completes the ritual just as Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan burst into the cave. They’re both there, at the front, in order to protect Wei Wuxian, but by the time they arrive it’s too late: the array is fading and Wei Wuxian is already dead. He barely sees them in the entrance when he dies, which leads him to (logical) conclusion that they’re there to kill him.

Here’s the catch: Wei Wuxian gets to go back, rewrite time, and change things. He decides to go back to the day before he got kicked out of the Cloud Recesses. But when time finally arrives at the time he activates the array, everyone gets their memories back. Although a lot of people will remember dying, it’s preferable to actually dying. Then Wei Wuxian has to conduct the ritual again, to ensure that this is the future that stays, and seal the deal with his own life. Basically, in order to change the future Wei Wuxian has to die. And obviously because he's Wei Wuxian, he decides that that’s okay so long as everyone gets to live.

So Wei Wuxian comes back to life with a golden core and cries for a solid minute, scaring tf out of Jiang Cheng, before he gets a grip. Then he proceeds to yell at Jin Zixuan, not get kicked out, and live life like everything’s normal. He enjoys the next six months of peace, and then he gets to work. Once the year is over, he goes on a very long night hunting trip, kills the Xuanwu of Slaughter, and sets up the cave for use. A year later and they’re at the archery competition, where Wei Wuxian still places first, meets Wen Ning again, and doesn’t pull off Lan Zhan’s forehead ribbon.

Then Wen Ruohan is ~mysteriously~ assassinated and the Wens declare war on all the sects in revenge. When the Wens come for Lotus Pier, there’s no personal vendetta, and Wei Wuxian hides in the shadows and drowns all of them. Then he pretends that he got knocked out and was unconscious somewhere hidden from the main battle where Jiang Cheng finds him. They win the war, and Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan are still alive and bickering with each other, the Jiang sect is still strong, etc. etc. Wei Wuxian personally hunts down Wen Zhuliu early in the war, before he can cause any damage. Then he also kills Jin Guangshan, blames it on the Wens (does it make sense? No. does anyone care? No) and Jin Zixuan commits fully to the war. Jin Zixuan learns to appreciate Jiang Yanli during the war, and since they’re already engaged they get married soon afterwards. Jin Guangyao gets taken in as Jin Zixuan’s younger brother, and since Jin Zixuan is a decent person who doesn’t want him to commit crimes but also needs Help, it goes a lot better. Meanwhile Wei Wuxian finds the DafanWen and they move to the Xuanwu cave, which Wei Wuxian has prepared. Also the carcass of the tortoise should scare anyone away.

Wei Wuxian sticks around to see his sister get married, takes Lan Zhan on a tour of Lotus Pier, at the end of which Lan Zhan proposes. Wei Wuxian is confused but figures that Lan Wangji must like this version of him that hasn’t used resentful energy as far as Lan Wangji knows or recused the Wens as far as he knows, or done any of the things that Other Lan Zhan hated him for. The Wens ask him to adopt A-Yuan, which he does after talking about it with Lan Zhan and after they get married. So now Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are married and they have an adopted child. That part was all the fluff and fix-it, cue the angst. The date of Wei Wuxian’s death draws near, and Wei Wuxian starts getting moody and antsy, starts drinking. Yu Ziyuan yells at him, of course, and everyone else worries over him. It is during one of these blackout drunk sessions that Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji that he fully expects Lan Wangji to regret marrying him in the future. Lan Wangji swears up and down that he won’t, and Wei Wuxian kinda critiques himself and calls himself selfish, for marrying Lan Wangji and raising a kid when he knows it’s not going to last.

Basically Wei Wuxian starts getting skittish and disappears for periods of time to the Burial Mounds, where he acquires enough injuries that Lan Wangji suspects that someone is hurting him, which Wei Wuxian vehemently denies, but Lan Wangji is still Onto him. He goes to Jiang Yanli, who says that Wei Wuxian has been acting differently ever since he came back from the Cloud Recesses, seemed to know things that were going to happen before they did, disappears at odd times and incidents that occur when Wei Wuxian is missing, and they get Jiang Cheng, who recalls that one time Wei Wuxian woke up in the middle of the night and just bawled, and after that didn’t lose his temper on Jin Zixuan, pulled back on his most crazy antics.

Still, none of them suspect the exact day, so on that day, Wei Wuxian gets up, tells Lan Wangji he’s going to train the Jiang juniors, and then just…disappears. Night comes and Lan Wangji is already worried, according to the juniors he never showed. Yu Ziyuan accuses him of slacking, but then Lan Wangji barges in crying, holding a note. In it, Wei Wuxian doesn’t tell him about the time travel, but says that Wei Wuxian is going forever, and Lan Wangji will understand why tomorrow. He understands that it’s too much to wish for that Lan Wangji won’t hate him, after how selfish he’s been and what a terrible person he’s been, marrying Lan Wangji and pretending it can last, but he hopes Lan Wangji can still look back and remember him fondly in the future. He apologizes again and tells Lan Wangji again that he didn’t mean to tarnish Lan Wangji’s reputation or saddle him with a child, but A-Yuan is here now and he knows Lan Wangji loves A-Yuan. He leaves a similar cryptic note for Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, apologizing to all of them for things they don’t understand.

Lan Zhan immediately begins searching for him all through the night, and then in the morning everyone blacks out and suddenly has memories of a different past couple of years, for most people starting with Wen Ruohan getting assassinated. People don’t immediately suspect the Yiling Patriarch, because they think he was simply never created in this timeline, and lives as Head Disciple Jiang and Lan Wangji’s husband, but Wei Wuxian’s family know better. They immediately rush to the Burial Mounds, and find it guarded by corpses. Inside the cave, Wei Wuxian begins conducting the ritual, also crying because he really had a happy life this time and he really really doesn’t want to go, but he can’t bear to revert to the original timeline, not when everyone is still alive here, so he continues. Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian find out about the whole yiling patriarch thing and jiang yanli is just like…i don’t care. Jin Guangshan is dead and can’t care, Jin Guangyao doesn’t have a vendetta, Jin Zixuan does what his wife says, and Jiang Yanli is alive so Jiang Cheng has no beef, plus he sees the lengths Wei Wuxian went through to save everyone. He also understands the letter now, then he and Jiang Yanli confront Lan Wangji like…do you no longer love him? Lan Wangji of course reacts poorly to this accusation and denies it. They leave A-Yuan behind and go to the Mounds with the intention of convincing Wei Wuxian that he doesn’t have to run away and they want him back.

They arrive in the cave just as Wei Wuxian is finishing with the ritual. But of course, parallels, Wei Wuxian looks up to see them standing in the entrance of the cave and thinks that they’re there to kill him, but also can see how distressed Lan Wangji looks and attempts to reassure him that he doesn’t have to kill Wei Wuxian! You know, his husband in this timeline! Because Wei Wuxian will do it himself! Wei Wuxian makes them fight some corpses while he rushes to finish the ritual, because they seem keen on stopping him (“i know you disapprove of demonic cultivation but this is the only way to save everyone”). Lan Wangji tackles him away from his ceremonial knife, and Wei Wuxian fights back (still has golden core!) they both fight desperately (“i have to do it myself Lan Zhan, otherwise I would let you do it”) over the knife. Jiang Cheng insists that there must be another solution, bc he doesn’t want Jiang Yanli to die. Then Wen Qing and Wen Ning walk into the cave, and Wen Qing like the genius she is, proposes the Alternate Solution. (What is it? Idk. just a magic solution in which Wei Wuxian doesn’t have to die). Wei Wuxian pauses in the middle of fighting Lan Wangji (“i don’t have to die?” he asks while Lan Wangji is busy shattering the knife and then he and Jiang Cheng pin him down so he can stop trying to kill himself in front of them. “Nope,” says Wen Qing, the only person with brains here). So Wei Wuxian sits on the floor of the cave, tied with deity-binding thread (Wei Wuxian: let me go Lan Wangji: not until you promise to go with wen qing’s version of the ritual Jiang Cheng: unless…do you want to leave? Wei Wuxian: no!) (What’s the solution? Maybe all of them sacrifice something important to them, maybe they just…all use their power to BS their way through a solution? Again, I don’t know).

So Lan Wangji unties Wei Wuxian and they hug and kiss and they all head back to Lotus Pier, where they eat a celebratory dinner, and reunite with A-Yuan, and Wei Wuxian celebrates the fact that he can live this happy life and not owe the world anything/need to go through the ritual.

The End!

[jacaerysvelaryonsss]

terrible, no good, very bad day - dylan cozens

requested: yes/no

a/n: so i got sad and then inspired, so boom here it finally is wosjaisjw

word count: 1.3k

pairing: dylan cozens x reader

warnings: a couple of swear words

tagging: @workhorsefromwhitehorse24 @thirstydach @pierreslucdubois @boqvistsbabe @nolpatts

join my taglist

You knew it was going to be an off day from the moment you woke up, there wasn't any exact explanation, you just knew. After tossing and turning around in bed all night, you had only gotten around four hours of sleep and the harsh red lights of your alarm clock seemed to scream 7:00 am back at you. And honestly, you couldn't help but be filled with dread at the thought of what might happen today.

Starting off your morning as usual, you got dressed and then made yourself some coffee, and that's exactly where this terrible day had started. You spilled hot coffee all over yourself and to top it off, you were wearing a white shirt that could now be considered a brown one. After that, your computer died right as you were going to join your English class, and of course, the one time you miss a class is the one time your professor decides to drops a surprise quiz on you.

Around two in the afternoon is when you got a call from one of your close friends, which just added even more misery to this day. As of late, you both had been a little distant, and with the way things were going today, you couldn't help but feel as though something, yet again, would go wrong - but of course that doesn't mean you were prepared for it at all.

You were sitting at your desk when you got the call, and you answered it right away. "Hey, is everything okay?"

A huge sigh was heard from the other side of the phone, followed by a sarcastic laugh, "Oh, so you are alive, that's good to know. You haven't called so I thought you just forgot about me."

"Oh God, no. I'm so sorry dude, school has just be-"

"(Y/N) don't even try to use school as an excuse, you honestly can't. I'm in school too, and guess what? I can still call, I can still check in. It's like you don't even care anymore."

Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath in through your nose to try and calm yourself down, but even that didn't work. You were absolutely fuming and annoyed, and with the day going the way it was, you just snapped.

"Are you serious? I'm always the one checking in, if you would actually check my texts, you'll see all the times I've reached out and have actually tried having a conversation with you, you're just the one who's always brushing it off. I have my own stuff to do, I can't call all the time and even then, calling isn't the only means of checking in."

And then there was silence.

She didn't have anything to say after that, so you just hung up the phone. Not even a few minutes later you saw Dylan's name pop up on your phone screen and you let out a sigh of relief, but that soon went away once you answered the phone. "Hey Dyl, what's up?"

"Hey babe, I just wanted to call and tell you that practice is gonna be running late, so I'm gonna be at your place later than planned." He replied with a sigh of his own.

With tears forming in your eyes, you answered him, "It's okay, don't worry about it. I'll see you later, I love you."

"I'll text you when I'm on my way, I love you too."

You hung up your phone once again and this time threw it onto your desk. You've already had a shitty enough day and you knew he was still coming, but you were looking forward to spending time with your boyfriend earlier rather than later. Slumping back down into your desk chair, you started to cry. You bawled your eyes out - you cried until you couldn't cry anymore.

You were just halfway through the day, but it had already taken such a huge toll on you. It had felt like you were crying for hours, when in reality it was just a few minutes. When you were finally able to calm down, you grabbed some tissues and went to lay down in your bed. The exhaustion overtaking you, and you fell asleep in minutes.

Hours later, you were woken up by the covers moving around and an arm wrapping around you. Slowly opening your eyes, you see Dylan looking down at you and you let out the biggest sigh possible.

"Is everything okay?" He asks as he wraps you in his arms

"Everything has literally gone wrong today, I honestly don't think there was one thing that actually went well." You reply as you rest your head on his chest, “I burned myself with coffee, missed a stupid quiz, and then I got a fantastic phone call from one of my close friends, basically saying that I’m a terrible one.”

“I’m so sorry baby. Don’t listen to her because that’s not true at all, you do everything that you can for her.” He says softly as he begins to rub his hand up and down your back, “And I’m sure if you explain to your professor what happened, he’ll understand and give you another chance to write the quiz.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. But right now, I just feel like throwing my phone away and hiding under the bed covers for the rest of my life.” You mumble as you proceed to throw the covers over both of your heads. 

With a loud laugh, your boyfriend takes the covers off and goes to get up, “Heyyy, you’re comfortable, why’d you do that? Come back.” You whine as sit up and watch him walk out of the room. “Wait, where are you going?” You yell after him, but he doesn’t answer. Instead, you hear him walking around the apartment and various things rustling. 

Looking at the clock, the time reads 6:00 pm, and deciding its late enough that you can just stay in bed, you sit back up against the headboard as you wait for your boyfriend to come back. 

After a couple of minutes, he finally comes walking back into the room with bags of chips, various types of chocolate and your laptop. “I have some comfort food, and also your laptop because I know if you don’t send this email now, you’ll probably end up forgetting about it.” He then sets your laptop down in front of you and gives you a light kiss. Once the email is typed up and sent, you put your laptop away and then turn towards Dylan. “Do you think I’m a bad person?” 

“(Y/N), absolutely not. You bust your ass for everyone in your life no matter what you’re doing or how busy you are. It’s okay to take time for yourself, especially if you need it and you shouldn’t feel bad about it.” Smiling down at you, he continues, “I love you, and I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve done, but you also need a break sometimes and you shouldn’t feel bad for taking one.” 

You reach over to pull him into a tight hug, and whisper, “I love you too, and thank you.” After pulling away, you sigh and look back at him, “Is there anything you wanna do?”

Grabbing the remote, he turns the tv on and starts to get Netflix ready, “Well, all this junk food seems like a perfect time for a little movie marathon.”

“You know, after the day I’ve had that sounds like an amazing idea.”

“Amazing, can I pick the movie?” He asks as he attempts to give you a convincing look. 

With a smile, you grab the remote out of his hands, “Oh, absolutely not. You’re gonna suffer through my romcoms like I did through your horror movies last week.”

[eleanorbloom]

All I Ever Wanted (Bryce Lahela x f!MC)

Warnings: Angst, cursing and smut. The second half of the chapter is NSFW and not suited for minors (I left a mark for those who want to read the first part fic but are not comfortable with smut).

A/N: Hello!  

I swore to myself that I’d only write my series and a collab I was invited to do, but chapter 12 left me wanting for more, so here we have the love and smut that was missing in that 30💎 scene.  I’m a hopless romantic so prepare yourselves for a bit of cheesiness.

I’m using the same tag from my BrycexMCxEthan series, thinking you would be interested in read this, so, if you want to be removed from this post, just let me know!

A/N2: I apologize in advance for any mistakes, English is not my frist language.

That’ll be all. 

Enjoy!

Taglist @utterlyinevitable  @shanzay44 @choicesficwriterscreations @laiba-the-person​ @starrystarrytrouble​ @lahellacute​ @lucy-268​ @aylamreads​ @binny1985​ @romewritingshop​

_____

 All I Ever Wanted

The chatter of people had decreased into an unstable hiss from the few people left in the room.

Bryce had said goodbye to Bobby’s and Danny’s family and was waiting for Eleanor, who was immersed in a joyful but melancholic exchange of memories with Danny’s mother.

When he found a picture of the hospital staff at a picnic a few months ago, he couldn’t help but smile at the happy faces of colleagues and friends having a good time, without the worries of daily routines.

No one could’ve ever imagined at that moment that two of those smiling faces would leave so soon. Nor that it could have been four.

As he sensed his eyes starting to burn again, he blinked swiftly to keep the tears at bay.

“You okay?”—Her voice was soft as a whisper, careful enough to not startle him as she appeared beside him out of the blue.

Bryce turns to his right, where Eleanor was looking at him with a worried expression.

“Yeah, it’s just… I know we deal with life and death every day, but it feels different to lose our people and so unexpectedly.”

Especially when someone you love was so close to death, he says in his head.

“Yeah, I know”

Eleanor looks around the hall as one of the volunteers starts packing up chairs. There were a few groups at the corner, mostly family and relatives of the heroes of Edenbrook. All their friends had gone by now.

“I’m ready if you want to leave”

“Let’s go, then.”—Bryce says as he heads to the door. Eleanor follows suit, instantly.

Outside, the sky is completely closed with thick, black clouds, threatening with rain any minute now.

“Should we take a cab?”—He asks, looking up the sky.

“No, I’d like to walk, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t.”

As they start to walk, they notice how quiet the street was. The only noises accompanying them was the clicking of her shoes, and a few cars passing by a couple of blocks away. Bryce couldn’t help but get lost in the sound of her steps. The confirmation for the umpteenth time that she was alive and walking by his side. As if the last few days, the last few hours hadn’t been proof enough.

Since the moment he knew Eleanor could die, every moment with her feels like a treasure to him. A challenge to not take anything for granted, especially her existence, and to make the most of his time with her. They couldn’t waste any more time.

With that in mind, Bryce looks down at her, searching for her hand. She had both hands pocketed and as she saw he was offering his hand, she tangled her fingers into his.

Although her face was pale and gloomy, Bryce noticed how her eyes softened at the touch of his skin. He felt tickles at the sensation of her soft touch in him.

They walked in comfortable silence the few streets that separated the reception center from Eleanor’s apartment. Every few feet, they would stare at each other and smile imperceptibly, Bryce just for having her by his side, Eleanor for having him when she needed the most.

Once they reach her apartment street, a thunder roared loudly above them, waking them from their deep thoughts.

“I guess the sky is angry too.”—She says looking up as she stops in her tracks, waiting for the bolt.

“Yeah.”

And all Bryce can think of, is if Eleanor wouldn’t have made it that night, the sky would have broken the earth in two. His earth, his world, his heart. Everything would have fallen apart if she’d gone.

Then, the sky turns white and shiny for an instant. The stroke of lightning like an enormous photograph flash illuminates their faces and makes them realize how wonderful life can be with just so little. 

After a moment she turns to him, looking for his beautiful brown eyes. But she can’t get enough as Bryce just take her by the nape of her neck and kisses her like he was gasping for air. His lips were cold, but in a matter of seconds, they were melting every inch of her skin he touched, his tongue roaming her lips, then her lips sucking his lower lip impatiently in an almost-too-fair exchange of kisses.

As Eleanor lets out a moan, a shower of rain comes down, soaking them in an instant. Neither of them seems to mind. Somehow the rain was all that they needed at that moment: something that washed them for all their fears, the loss, the pain. The uncertainty.

Eleanor rests her forehead in his, panting.

“Would you stay with me tonight?”—She pleads.

“I’d love to, Elle”—He replies before taking her by the hips and kissing her again, this time softly.

After a long moment, he embraces her, burying his face in her wavy, damp hair.

He breathes the sweet scent of her shampoo, bringing memories of the first time he discovered it.

Donahue’s was packed. Everyone was there celebrating the first day of residency. Eleanor had agreed to play darts with him. The bet was a kiss. The moment she turned to him, all victoriously, a trail of pomegranate scent reached his nostrils. And that night, even if she won, Bryce felt like a winner too, as they’d share the second kiss of that day. 

 “Should we go inside?”—Bryce doesn’t respond, still lost in memories.—“Bryce?”  

He pulls away reluctantly. There’s a mix of longing and vulnerability in his eyes she had never seen before. As if he was opening the doors of all the mysteries he had kept sealed since... Always.

“Yeah, it’s just… I’m so glad you’re still here. I can’t help but feel thankful every moment I’m with you.”

“Me too. I feel thankful for being alive and to have you by my side.”

She gives him a quick peck in her wet lips and then she takes him by the hand, pulling him to the building. The rain still pouring.

“Do you think Keiki will be okay if you stay?”

“Yeah. I’ll text her to let her know I’m not coming home, anyway.”

By the time Bryce and Eleanor enter her room, Bryce was pocketing his cellphone back into his jacket.

“All settled. She kinda assumed I would spend the night with you”—Bryce replies, sheepishly.

“Your sister is always two steps ahead of you, it doesn’t surprise me at all.”—She retorts as she balances herself in one foot, taking off her Mary Jane stilettos. Then she continues with her coat.

Bryce stands there, at the door, watching her silently, studiously.

“Are you okay, Bryce? You seem… really pensive.”—She asks, walking towards him.

He can’t help but feel a wave of tenderness as she is now at her natural height. About 3 inches shorter.

She cups his cheeks both hands and caresses him with the tip of her thumbs.

“Mmh?”

“Honestly, I-”—He clears his throat, feeling it tight.—I feel a little out of control. One minute I’m laughing and telling a story about some prank Danny and I pulled on the OR staff… the next I want to bawl… the next I feel terrified. Of what could’ve happened to you, of what could happen tomorrow…”

“I feel the same.”—She admits—"Every little thing knocks me off balance. Somehow today made everything that happened seem more… real than it did before."

“That’s it exactly. Before, I was somehow still able to keep it all in the ‘work’ portion of my brain, but now…”

“Now it’s taken over.”

Now Bryce was realizing how things would have been if she hadn’t made it. If the team wouldn’t have gotten the antidote. Or if Rafael wouldn’t have been there to protect her. She would have left this planet just as soon as Bobby Gunderson did. Without a chance to say goodbye, without a chance to tell her how much she meant to him.

A sob escapes in his breath, and suddenly he wraps her tightly, this time like he is clinging onto life. As if he frees her from his arms, she'll become thin air and will be gone completely oblivious of what he feels.

Tears were streaming down all over his face, a grimace of terror and hollowness that shattered her heart the moment she saw it.

“Bryce…”—She whispers, her eyes shimmering with tears, containing her own sob at the sight of him so vulnerable.

“The… the night I stayed with you I… I couldn’t even close my eyes, afraid that you could be gone any second. And… I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to tell you what you mean to me, but I felt like if I did it at that moment, would be like a farewell, like a confession in deathbed, and I couldn’t think that way.”

His lips were quivering while trying to find the exact words to continue.

"Since the moment I knew you would be okay, I realized that I wasted so much time all these months, Elle. Trying to play it cool, hiding my feelings, my worries. Trying to keep my walls up, just to be strong and be the support you need. As if I didn’t need anything. And I realized that somehow, I was unknowingly pushing you away when you have been the person I’ve open up the most. About my family, about what I lived in college because of my parents. And at the thought of you leaving… without knowing how much you mean to me, it felt selfish… unfair.

“Bryce, it’s okay. We all have our times...”

“This is not about time, Eleanor, it’s about fear, about pride. But after what you have been through, I felt stupid for fear something as absurd as my own pride. My charade of having all under control.”

Eleanor wiped the tears in his cheeks.

“I love you, Eleanor.”—He said in the most steady voice he could—You’re the only person that from the moment I met, knew you wouldn't let me down as so many others did, even my own family. But somehow, it took me this long and all this tragedy to finally tell you how I feel about you. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry."

Large tears run down her face. But her eyes were shining with a warmth he hasn’t seen in weeks.

“Bryce…”—Eleanor saw the raw vulnerability of Bryce Lahela. The person she had grown to love even if she knew half of the depths and torments of his mind and heart. But now that she was knowing him at his lowest, it only increased the affection and care for him.

She observed the features of the man who was taking the biggest leap of faith and, becoming the bravest man she knew by showing all his vulnerability, even if it was his biggest fear. Then she kissed all the spots she had look: His forehead, his temples, cheeks, nose, jawline, chin, eyes, to finally his lips. Each peck filled with adoration.  

"Bryce, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.  I've been afraid too, because since the moment I met you you’ve been the one in my heart, but I was afraid of scaring you away, or lose you because you might not feel the same. But the truth is... I love you. I love you since, I don’t know. It feels like forever.”

On a normal day, Bryce would've retorted something flirty or cocky like "Of course you would, I'm too irresistible", but that day wasn't a normal day.

The rain had washed all his charades, all veils of confidence, carelessness, self-assurance, and all his flirty retorts. All that was left, was his deepest fears and hollows of his heart: to grew up in a family that never really cared for him; to lose his parents at the age of seventeen: to have to endure the consequences of his parents' actions, and always end up alone, without real friends, without anyone who would love him unconditionally.

Since the age of seventeen, he had always been on his own. His own emotional support. There never was a single person who would be there for him to vent up, to process feelings, emotions, stress. And since the moment he met Eleanor, he knew it would be different. But he had been carrying the fear for ten years. It wouldn't be easy to let all those walls go. But when it happened, when Eleanor found out about his sister, it was so easy to let the walls crumble. And even if he was used to seeing the judgment in everyone's eyes after finding his truth out, the only thing Eleanor gave him was understanding, support, empathy, generosity. Love. Unconditionally love.

“Let me take care of you”—She whispers, caressing his cheeks in the most tender way. As if he were about to break. —“You don’t need to carry all by yourself. You’re not alone anymore.”

He nods imperceptibly, as Eleanor kisses his forehead and he rests his head on her chest. She strokes his head as he hears Bryce sobbing, letting all out.

“I’m with you, love.”

How many nights she had dreamed of calling him that way. More than she could remember. And it felt so right.

How many nights he had dreamed of being called that way by her. More than he could remember. And it felt so right.

It enlightened his heart that had been buried deep inside all his fears and traumas. He felt alive like never before.

After a while, his breath steadies and he pulls himself out of her grip, looking at her in the eyes.

“Thank you.”

Bryce leans, kissing her chastely in the lips. They stare at each other, smiling.

**NSFW**

After a few seconds, they kiss again, but the connection lingers, an innocent and sweet peck that soon turns into something more. Feeling the softness of his lips on her unleashes a desire that starts to flow quickly through her veins.

She opens her mouth in response to the desire, capturing his lips between her teeth, their breaths becoming one.

“Bryce, I want you…”—She parts from him a single moment, just to let him know her mind.

“And I need you, Eleanor”—Bryce gasp loudly before kissing her again, this time drawing a trail of kisses down her neck.

After feeling dead all those days, immersed in confusion, pain, and fear, she had made him feel alive. And he wanted to spend the first moment of his awakening by adoring her in the sweetest and exquisite way.

Soon, Eleanor unbuttons his tux and shirt, leaving kisses in every inch exposed, discarding it on the floor.

Then Bryce turns her to unfasten her black dress in the back, facing the same fate as his shirt. He embraces her for the back, roaming his hands all over her curves, pinching her hips, her waist, and then cupping her breast with both hands while leaving sloppy kisses in the crook of her neck. A wave of popcorn and vanilla intoxicates him with more desire. He pulls her tight against him, groaning as her lower back presses his crotch.  He grips her throat with one hand, arching her head back, kissing her fiercely, while Eleanor roams one hand between his tights, making him release a moan in her mouth. 

Eleanor frees herself from his arms, and bringing her hands to his belt, working on his pants until she sends it to the floor like the rest of their clothes. Then she takes off her pantyhose, and when she ups her head to look at Bryce, she finds him looking at her silently, contemplating every inch of her body.

“What?”

“Have I told you how beautiful you are?”

“Maybe a million times.”

“Make that one million and one, then. You’re absolutely gorgeous”.—He whispers, starting to suck kisses down her jawline, and staying at her chest for a few more moments, while he unclasps her bra and tosses it to the floor. After that, he buries her face in her breasts, cupping them with his hands and feeling the exquisite aroma of her skin concentrating in the apex of her breasts.

He slides his lips softly to her nipples, sucking it delicately at first, but then he nibbles them hard, making a moan escape from her throat.

His touch is like never before. Is gentle but confident. He knows exactly what he's doing, but somehow he touches her with new delicacy, with adoration. Thanking for being alive with every inch of skin he kisses.

As he goes down, Bryce takes her by the hips and pushes her to the bed, pulling her panties out. His kisses along her stomach and belly feel like fire, as he is getting closer to her sweet spot. Eleanor gasps with anticipation. 

Bryce grips her tights and opens them while leaving kisses and licks in her mound and just around her folds. Eleanor breaths heavily, her hips moving involuntarily as his soft kisses tickle in her core.

She thought he would tease her for a minute or two. But that night wasn't about teasing. Was about need and adoration. And he didn't want to waste another second without adoring her most sweet and satisfactory way.

Eleanor tugs the quilt as she felt his tongue sliding slowly through her folds and towards her clit.

“God”—She whispers.

After a few moments working on her core, Bryce places one finger inside her, then two. Then he curls them gently while looking for the right spot until she indicates he has reached it.

“Yes, yes, there, there!”

Without leaving her nub, Bryce goes up, leaning to Eleanor, kissing her breasts to then brush his lips into hers. The moment they meet, Eleanor takes his head desperately, moaning in her mouth while his fingers keep moving in circles and entering in her.

"Yes"—She breathes desperately, Bryce observing every feature of her face. The way her mouth was making a perfect O, the crease in her forehead when she frowns as the pleasure overtakes her.

Bryce picks up more speeds, and her hips began to shake uncontrollably. Bryce looks at her as a deity professing all her powers.

And her power works like a painkiller to him. Seeing her like that, reaching the peak of satisfaction the human nature can have, is the best proof he can get of how alive she is.

Her whole body shudders and then her voice is off, unable to articulate another sound. She can only return the kiss he gives her before tumbling beside her.

As Eleanor catches her breath a few moments later, she steals him a kiss, gripping his arousal. Then she mumbles in a sultry voice:

“How you want me?”

He wasn’t expecting that question, but after a few moments of deliberation, he answers:

“On all fours”

As if her patience was extinguishing, Eleanor stands up immediately, takes his underwear off, and then she crawls onto the bed as Bryce asked.

Bryce places himself behind her and grabbed her by the hips and enters her.  Slowly at first, sensing every inch of her as he pushes and pushes until all his length was inside her. Eleanor leaned on her elbows, stroking her hair as Bryce began to thrust her. The feeling of him inside her sends shivers down her spine, waking every fiber of her again. She feels alive, desired, loved.

“Bryce”—She groans.

Suddenly, Bryce takes her by the wrists, pulling her body to his chest, without stop pounding her. With one hand he cups her breast, with the other, he slides his finger to her clit. Eleanor arches her back, leaning the nape of her neck on his shoulder while tugging his hair in the back of his head.

“You feel incredible, babe”

"Don’t stop, please"—She cries in a tiny voice, as Bryce began to thrust her harder.—”Yes…”

“You like that?”

“Yes, y... you?”

“I love it”—Now his finger picks up speed.

“Fuck, yes, Bryce.”

Bryce kisses her jawline before pushing her back to the mattress, now taking both wrists and crossing them on her low back, holding them there.

As he pounds her faster, the noise of their bodies colliding fills the room, a maddening melody that brings them higher and higher.

“Fuck, yes… I wanted you exactly like this, Bryce”

“Like what?”

“Fucking me hard”

Bryce groans as her words invade his mind.

Their bodies connected was another proof of how alive she was, and how alive he was.

But something was missing.

He pulled away, got on his feet, and turned her in one swift motion, her body, shimmering in sweat, now facing him. Eleanor looks at him, expectantly.

“At least this time, I don’t wanna miss your pretty face while you cum.”

She grins naughtily, biting her lower lip.

Placing himself over her, he grazes her nipples, to then go up to kiss her.

After a few moments lost in her mouth, he stands and takes her hips, raising her a bit, reaching her sweet spot, and making her squeeze on the inside

“Bryce, yes”

Every thrust harder, nosier. Every thrust breaking the chains of the fear, of the loss, of what wasn't said. Of what he could've done. Every thrust getting them near to the edge, to the end of that once endless road of loneliness, of charades, of pretend.

There was no return now.

“Elle"—He breathes, sensing his body was losing control, her body tightened around him, making him explode any second now. 

“Come here, please”—She sighed.

Bryce lowers to her. Eleanor captures his lips instantly, as she was about to choke out of air.

“Bryce, you’re incredible"—She says, dizzy—“I’m… I’m… Ahhh!"—She buries her mouth on his shoulder, as she reaches her long-awaited orgasm.

The raw moan is enough to make him cum against her, growling while he motions erratically over her, as the sensations overwhelm him. Then he collapses by her side, both trying to catch their breaths.

They stay in silence for a couple of minutes, the big smiles never leave their faces.

“Is your need satisfied?”—She asks, turning to him.

“Honestly?”—He replies, placing a hand in her waist—“No, I’m not done, yet.”

“Good, me neither.”

Bryce wraps her in a warm embrace and Eleanor nuzzles in his chest, drunk of tenderness and love.

The rain had stopped falling. The room was quiet. They could only hear their breaths. The basic and simple proof that they were alive at that moment. Alive and absolutely aware of what they felt about each other.

“I love you”—She says softly.

“I love you too, baby.”

There was nothing left to say, but words of reaffirmation for a lifetime.

______

[babiekeiji]

Yamaguchi is so underated,,,, I'll take anything. First date hc's, crush hc's, whatever you have in mind idc,,,,,just show him some love,,,, thabk you

omg man at this point anything tadashi is priority on the list

Gravity (Always Brings Me Back To You) — Yamaguchi Tadashi

You’ve known Yamaguchi your whole life

No, it’s not that whole cliché your-parents-are-best-friends trope nor is it that boy-next-door type of friendship

You’re Tsukishima’s best friend!!!

So after Yamaguchi starts hanging out with Tsukishima, the three of you instantly become inseparable

The summer before high school starts, and all three of you are attending Karasuno

You spend most of your summer outside of Japan, living your best life

Tsukishima doesn’t even bother asking how you’re doing, he just asks you to bring him back food

Yamaguchi, however, texts you everyday and always asks how you are and what you’ve been up to; probably sends pictures of Tsukishima and him everyday

Always up to greet you good morning and good night, always mentions how much he misses your company and that hanging around with Tsukki w/o you just isnt the same

Though you look at Yamaguchi as a friend, you can’t help but feel special whenever he mentions that he wants you back in their company

You don’t see each other until the first day of high school, and boy

Tadashi???? Has gone from boy to MAN

The amount this dude has grown over the summer is just?????? You used to be at par in terms of height, now he’s a whole 12000 feet taller than you

His features are a lot more prominent too not that you’re complaining

But this obviously is like the grounds for when you start thinking of Yamaguchi Tadashi as a man

These days as you hang out with Tadashi alone you really, really get to take a good look at his face, and wow—his face isn’t “that bad”

One time on the way home Kei had ditched the two of you since his mother picked him up

So it was just the two of you walking home alone; it was still fun even without Kei

He held your hand the whole way home; and though you didn’t know what that meant you still got butterflies just thinking that Yamaguchi Tadashi, man candy, Mr Good Looking, held hour hand and was conscious of doing it—wanted to do it too

Though with Tadashi suddenly hitting puberty also comes new feelings and perspectives for him

So the day Tadashi suddenly starts distancing himself from you you’re left confused and anxious

What did I do wrong? He seems fine whenever he’s around Tsukishima...have I changed ever since I came back?

Despite the sudden distance Tadashi never forgets to let you know he still cares

Buys you that bread you like from the caf whenever you forget to bring your lunch

Helps you study sometimes

Walks you home when Tsukishima can’t be bothered to

Lends you his jacket

But always looks away when you make eye contact

Stops talking to you outside of school (unless its for homework)

Gets awkward whenever you talk to Tsukishima and him

And you just can’t figure out why he’s being like this

So you decide to distance yourself too and start hanging around Yachi and Hinata instead of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi

But of course, we can always count on the reliable Tsukishima Kei, jack of all trades, master of none to patch things up when he’s tired of your bullshit

One day Tsukishima invites you over to his place

And of course you go, because you nd tsukki are still good friends

You do nothing but laze around with him the whole afternoon

Suddenly he pipes, “What is up with you and Yamaguchi? It’s starting to annoy me how distant you guys are being”

You give him a pointed look. “Nothing is going on between the two of us,” you sigh, and its only then that you realize how much you miss the freckled boy, “Yamaguchi just doesn’t like me anymore, I guess.”

He snorts and rolls his eyes, “You got that right.”

“Y’know if you invited me over just to insult me I might as well leave,” you stay sternly, and suddenly Kei is panicking, “I don’t know what the fuck you and Tadashi have been up to these days but if it’s shit like this then maybe I’m glad to have left the two of you alone.”

“What the fuck,” he says, and chases after you as you leave, “No, yn, jesus—yamaguchi just had some feelings he needs to sort out”

“He didn’t have to put that on me”

“Can you stop being difficult”

“No, let me go, I wanna go home”

“You literally live right next door”

“Exactly, I wanna go home”

“Hey.”

You turn to look him in the eye and soften once you realize he’s actually pleading for you to stay

“Listen to me,” he explains. “You can go home and be a brat and bitch and moan all you want—”

“i WILL”

“—but remember this,” he continues, “Yamaguchi has good reason for trying to avoid you...for now. He just needs to sort some of his feelings out.”

“Well, whatever feelings they are,” you pull your hand from his grasp, “you can tell him I don’t care about them at all.”

Great, you think to yourself, I’ve made things awkward for me, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima now.

One day you’re coming back from lunch with Yachi, and you make eye contact with Yamaguchi in the hallways

He tries his best to wave to you in the least bit of effort to say hey, we’re still friends—but realizes it might be too late when it’s you who finally decides to look away first

From that point on just tries his absolute best to reconcile with you

Leaves you little candies on your desk before school starts

Sometimes little notes like “You’re beautiful!” And “I love seeing you happy :)”

One day a note comes that says “You’re still my best friend” and you just start bawling

You just don’t know what you did wrong and you miss your friends

That same afternoon, when everyone leaves and it’s only you left to pack up in the classroom, Yamaguchi approaches you (albeit quite cautiously)

“Hey,” he starts, and it’s obvious he’s flustered by the way he rubs his nape, “Can we talk?”

“Oh,” you scoff, still keeping your stuff, “You wanna talk to me now?”

“Yn,” he calls, and looks you right in the eye as he says, “Don’t make this any harder than it’s supposed to be.”

“Motherfucker this is supposed to be hard on YOU??????????? you left ME, Tadashi! Remember that!!”

“Which is why I’m trying to make amends!” He explains, hands flailing nowhere. “Please. Let me explain.”

You look to the clock. It’s 5:25 pm.

“You have five minutes of my time.”

“You don’t need to worry,” he replies, “I only need two.”

lowkey your heart was THROBBING LIKE WHEN DID THIS SOCIALLY AWKWARD BOY LEARN TO MAKE MOVES LIKE DET DMFMFKEOWKE

“Ever since you came back home from Bali, or the Bahamas—wherever you went for summer—I started to look at you differently,” he starts, “I...I thought you were glowing, and suddenly every feature of yours was just so attractive to me I couldn’t handle it.

And you know, being without you for almost three months just made me realize that I really do like your company, and your stupid laugh and your lame jokes—it made me realize that I needed you in my life, yn. But all these feelings were just so weird—how could I be seeing my childhood best friend like the most beautiful person on earth?

So i tried to run away from them; I tried to run away from them by running away from you, in all hopes that they’d pass and we could go back to normal. But obviously; I was wrong. Being away from you just made my heart grow fonder, because whenever I saw you laugh I just thought to myself, that could have been something so good with me.

I like you, yn,” he states with all confidence he can muster, his olive tan skin glowing as it bathes in the evening sun, freckles dancing on the apples of his cheeks and over the bridge of his nose, and in that exact moment you can’t help but wonder how even after all this time, Yamaguchi Tadashi is the sweetest man of all. “I like you enough to think I actually love you.”

You blink; you feel like you’re about to cry.

Yamaguchi looks towards the clock, looks back to you and shrugs, “I’m sorry. I took three minutes.” He looks to you for a few moments before he clicks his tongue, and looks away. “Yeah, that’s all. You have every right to be mad at me, by the way—”

“Tadashi.”

“Hm?”

“Kiss me.”

His eyes widen, and a blush now develops on the apples of his cheeks, but Yamaguchi doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you and bring your lips to his.

Everything about Tadashi is just as you remembered; his cologne still smells like him, his skin soft and bouncy to the touch, his hair still the same smooth it once was, and Tadashi’s lips taste just like the ice cream you had when you first held his hand

Though a lot about Yamaguchi Tadashi has changed, you know in your heart that he’s still the same, sweet boy he always was.

He pulls away, but not exactly; his lips are still on yours, eyes still closed, his face close enough for you to feel his breath on your skin,

“I love you, yn,” he mumbles against your lips, “I want you to be mine,” he kisses,

“Today,” another,

“Tomorrow,” another,

“And all the days after that...”

Needless to say, that same afternoon Tadashi’s lips are swollen and his chest almost physically hurts from the fast beating of his heart,

But that’s okay, since he’s headed home with a heart and a hand full of you, you, only you.

[starkatana]

Everything Must Go

Jason Todd x Female Reader // Peter Parker x Female Reader

Yeah, it’s a Marvel cross-over in a DC universe! Because I can.

Summary:

After deciding to leave Gotham, you need to say one last good-bye.

Warning: Light swearing, death (nothing graphic – just mentions)

Before Reading Background:

You and Jason were dating for four years before Joker ‘killed’ him.

Now you are dating Peter Parker (Spider-Man)

Selina is your godmother. You are the child of Selina’s childhood friends. There is no family relationship between you and Jason even though you live in Wayne Manor

You are also a vigilante in the Batfam as Black Cat

Author’s Note:

So, here begins my various one-shots of Jason Todd/Red Hood x Reader//y/n AKA my current obsession. I may compile all of them into chronological order once everything is done. I just really wanted to write and post something. I just have too many WIP’s right now that I need to focus on.

Sorry I didn’t want to put the year of birth and the death year on Jason’s tombstone since I changed all their ages. I’ll deal with it on a different day.

They aren’t exact ages. This is just a world that I made using these characters because I can. In this story, Jason has ‘died’ at 21 and you and peter are visiting his grave a year later. The three of you are 22

This Peter Parker is more based off of the Playstation 4 Spiderman game.

Sorry if it's a little out of character, this is just based on my knowledge that Tumblr has given me.

Also! Thank you for all your likes and reblogs! It really helps my self-esteem in continuing to write and share this story! <3

Enjoy!

After you had decided to leave Gotham, you immediately made the preparations to go back home with your mom. You told Selina and Bruce and as much as they’d miss having you around they understood your choice.

“About your suit.” Bruce brought up.

You shake your head no. You hadn’t even thought about taking it with you. “I don’t need it where I’m going.”

He nods. “You will always have a place here,” Bruce reassured.

“I’m going to miss you, KitKat.” Selina hugged you.

Gotham was about three hours away from home by train. You just knew you didn’t want to come back for a long time.

As for the rest of your ‘family,' they had some choice words for you and refused to let you leave. Damian threw a tantrum and ignored you for a few hours before coming to terms and quietly hanging around you, as Damien does. Cass, Steph, and Babs forced a sleepover with you every night. You went out to eat at your must-have locations with Duke and Tim, rotating with the others. Dick went around with you from place to place, to not only keep an eye on you but so you wouldn’t be alone. Occasionally, trading places with Roy when Dick had to go to work. You knew they were babysitting, but enjoyed your time with each of them anyway. Eventually, everyone came to terms with you leaving and reluctantly supported your decision.

Today was your last day in Gotham. Peter came down from New York to help you pack the finishing touches and spend your last day in Gotham. He had the weekend off and was going to go to your hometown with you. You were going to show him around and introduce him to your mom. After packing your belongings and moving the boxes from your room to the main entrance hall, you went through your list to make sure you didn’t forget anything.

“There’s only one thing left.”

“What’s up?”

You pause and fidget with your fingers before you take a deep breath to respond.

“I want to visit Jason’s grave.”

Peter nods. “When do you want to go?”

You shrug. “Today’s the only day I have. I don’t know when I’ll be in Gotham again. I just know I have to go and I don’t think I can go alone…I haven’t been there since…” your voice trails off. “Is that weird? Asking you to go with me to my dead boyfriend’s grave? It’s a little weird. You can say no.”

Peter lets out a light chuckle and gently grabs your arms to stop you from rambling, “No, it’s not weird. I’m more than happy to go with you.”

You place a soft kiss on his cheek. “Thanks, Peter.”

You two take a car to the flower shop, buying some of –your favorite flowers-, for Jason’s grave. Next was a train ride to the city suburb, finally following a short walk to the church graveyard. This was where Bruce’s parents are buried, along with Jason. It was all a very somber experience.

The day of Jason’s funeral was not the kind of weather you felt. It was a sunny day in Gotham. Light breeze, mid to lower 80’s, it was good weather. Abnormal for Gotham and abnormal for a funeral.

You hung your head low and cried the entire time at the funeral. Damien held your hand and Cass rested her head on your shoulder. You tried to be strong, but you were shaking. From sadness and anger. It wasn’t fair.

When the funeral ended, you went for a walk through the flower garden and Dick joined you.

When you two were far enough away from any people and crowds. You started bawling like a baby. Dick held you and you cried into his jacket.

“It’s okay.” He reassured.

“No!” you snapped up, “I hate the weather.”

Dick tilts his head slightly confused.

“It’s not fair! It rains any other godforsaken day in Gotham but when it’s Jason’s funeral and I’m sad! And I think the world should be sad! But it’s fucking sunny.” You try wiping away your tears that keep coming. “It’s stupid and it’s not fair!”

Dick nods giving you another hug. “You’re right, it’s not fair.”

“The sun is dumb and this is dumb and Jason should be alive.”

Dick caresses your head as he rocks you back and forth.

“And it’s all my fault!” you sob into Dick’s coat hugging him tightly.

“Y/n.” Dick grabs your shoulders to have you look at him. “It’s not your fault. What happened to Jay is not your fault.”

You hiccup between your sobs. “If I didn’t stop him from being on time, he would’ve been with you.”

Dick pulls you in for another hug. “Shhh.”

“Y/n?”

You came back from your thoughts at the sound of Peter’s voice. You two stood outside of the graveyard gates. You look at Peter, tears in your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize wiping your tears away. “I’m sad.”

He smiles and squeezes your hand, “That’s okay. You’re allowed to be sad.”

You sniffle, holding your tears back, return his hand squeeze, and take a deep breath.

“How long has it been?”

“Its been a little over a year,” You pause, “I still miss him.” You realize what you said. You look at Peter expecting to see some sort of reaction that you had told him you still miss your dead ex. He didn’t have one. He just watched you lovingly and listened contently. “I’m sorry, that was weird.” You hang your head trying to hide your face.

“Y/n.” He steps in front of you and tilts your face up to look at him. Gently he caresses your cheek. You stare into his brown eyes, the warmest brown that glowed like warm honey on a summer’s day. And with the sun shining in eyes, they glowed even more. So warm and kind it’s been a while since you felt like this and you felt a smile grow on your lips. He tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear.

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m here to support you. You can miss Jason all you want. I don’t it’s weird. I don’t expect you to just replace him with me either. This is normal. What you’re feeling is normal. You don’t need to apologize for missing someone you love.”

You two share a hug. “Thank you, Peter.”

He places a kiss on the top of your head. “Let's go in.”

You lead him towards the flower field in the graveyard. You stop a few feet away, being able to read his gravestone in the distance.

Jason Peter Todd

Son Brother

“You okay?” Peter asks.

“Yeah.” You two continue forward, stepping up to the gravestone. You crouch down in front of his tombstone wiping off the debris that was collecting on it from the year, but other than that it was in good shape.

“Hi Jaybird.” You greet the grave like an old friend. “Sorry, it’s been so long. This is Peter.” You put the flowers down next to the grave, “He’s the guy I’ve been telling you about. He came out with me because,” You pause to collect your thoughts and find your words. “Because I wasn’t sure I could come out here by myself. I still feel bad and I still feel like this is all my fault.”

Peter puts a hand on your shoulder giving you a small squeeze.

You touch Peter’s hang before continuing. “I’m working through it though. I’ve been seeing a counselor, keeping a journal, talking to family and friends.” You pause and smile at the grave. It felt therapeutic. “I wanted to say good-bye before I left Gotham. I….” You pause feeling Peter’s eyes on you and your mouth gets dry, “miss you.” You turn to face Peter. “This is weird isn’t it?”

“No.” Peter responds crouching next to you, “He was your best friend and first love. Of course, you’d miss him.”

You put on a smile. “I feel like you two would get along in another life. You guys have a lot of the same interests.” You stop again, “Oh, that felt weird.” You cringe.

Peter puts a hand on your knee to reassure you, “It’s not weird. I’m flattered. I heard great things about him.” You smile at him, no matter what you did, and said, Peter, is nothing but supportive of you. This is was what you loved about Peter, always so positive. That and so much more. This entire process was hard, but with Peter by your side supporting you, it made you feel less alone.

“I’d like to think that the night on the balcony, when we met, Jason guided you into my life.”

“Yeah?”

“Is this getting too weird for you yet? Me talking about my dead boyfriend who I’m clearly not over?”

Peter rolls his eyes at you and smiles at you. “Stop it, y/n. No, I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s normal and I want you to know that I’m here for you through everything. I know you care about me and I know Jason will always have a place in your heart. I don’t want to take his place, I just want to make you happy.” He kisses your forehead. “We both just want you to be happy.”

You lean against Peter with a lighthearted smile.

“Now quit asking me if it’s weird. Cause I think you’re weird.” He playfully bumps into you causing you to lose your balance, but he catches you before you can fall over. “But that’s why I like you.”

You chuckle and lean into him, “I like you too.” You say while he puts his arm around you. “Thank you, Peter, for everything.”

He nods. “Thank you for introducing us.” He faces Jason’s grave, “I promise I’ll take care of her.”

[skepticallysound]

A short story that I’m taking name suggestions for?

I didn’t turn around, because I knew that if I did all I would see is her face, screwed up in pain. Maybe she’d be on her knees, sobbing. I don’t know, because I didn’t look back. I wanted to. Oh, god, how I wanted to turn around and see her one more time, I recalled how her face dropped when I told her; I know I would cherish that last memory of her face forever. It was senior year and we’d both be going off to college next year, so that was the end. We always talked about spending these last few months together, before I left for Yale and she went to UCLA, but I guess my parents had something else in mind. My parents. That was it, they were the problem. I was angry at them, understandably, but they were still my parents. I needed them. I didn’t need her. Just wanted her really, really, really badly. When I finally got home I called Mick. He picked up right away. “Hey, I was just gonna call you. Wanna go get some pizza or something?” I let out a sob. “Hey, hey, hey. What’s wrong?”, Mick asked.

I tried to explain but I was crying too hard for him to even understand what I was saying. “Ok, it’s ok. I’ll be there in ten.” That was Mick. Reliable. Caring. The best friend I ever had. I can’t even imagine my life without him, we’re basically like siblings. And of course we’ve had the moment where he confessed his love to me - because we’re a boy and a girl, we have to be romantically involved right? It went something like this:

“Jess, I like you. I have for a little while now and I just thought you should know.”

“Mick, I like girls.”

“Oh… Ok. Never mind then.”

And that was that. He was great. Anyway, he came over and found me curled up in a ball in my bed under my covers. “What’s happened, love?”

“I broke up with Alisha.” I cried.

“Oh, honey. Why?” He cooed. He was good like that, supportive.

“Because, because -“ It was at this moment that I realized it was a very stupid reason, probably one of the worst ever, in fact. I started crying even harder.

“Ok, it’s ok, we don’t have to talk about it.”

And like that we stayed for quite some time, him holding me, stroking my hair and me, bawling, unable to speak.

Of course, eventually Mick had to leave. My mom came home and although both my parents adore him, it was also getting late and, like I said, boy and girl. So, no sleepovers allowed - stupid rule if you ask me, especially since I had come out, like obviously I don’t want to have sex with him now, surely you understand that. But no, my parents are very much the “Oh, this is just a phase” type of people. So, no sleepovers. Mick told me to text him if I need anything. He knew how to sneak into my window and he told me that he would bring ice cream or Kit-Kats - my favourite chocolate - in a heartbeat. My mom asked what that was about. I hesitated. I loved my mom, but, she didn’t really get me. She tried really hard, I have to give her credit, but her life was so different from mine and she just really didn’t get what it was like for me. Plus the whole lesbian thing, but we’ve already covered that. I decided to tell her. “I broke up with Alisha.”

“Oh, honey. That’s tough… but I really think this is for the best.” She hugged me. Best my ass. “If you need anything, let me know. I love you.” She let go and kissed me on the forehead. I went back up to my room. I felt like throwing up. I probably grabbed my phone to text Alisha about a thousand times, even typing out what I wanted to say. “Hey, I’m so sorry. It was a huge mistake, can you forgive me?” But I never sent them, it wasn’t fair to her. I break up with her and then a couple hours later change my mind? Bullshit. So, I laid in bed. Eventually, the tears stopped, and all I felt was numb. Right about now, all I wanted was a big hug from my dad and a deep talk from my mom, but my dad wasn’t home yet and my mom wouldn’t really want to get into the depths of my relationship with Alisha. Slowly, the sweet release of sleep came over me as I blasted my music, and I drifted off dreaming of her. Her gorgeous chocolate eyes and dark brown skin. The way she used to straighten her hair everyday in eighth grade because she “thought it looked better” but eventually left it natural most of the time from tenth grade on because she finally started to believe me when I told her it was beautiful. If it wasn’t clear already, Alisha and I were friends. Good friends. Not quite Mick and I good, but good. It’s kinda funny, because normally the two girls are the best friends and the guy and the girl fall in love, but this time the guy and the girl were the friends and the two girls fell in love. So, yeah, we were friends. And I loved her as my friend, but I always thought she was beautiful. Honestly, she was a big part of my sexual awakening, I never really realized that thinking other girls were pretty wasn’t normal, especially because my one girl friend that I talked to about it was also into girls, so, I guess neither of us really realized we were not straight for a while. It took me talking to my sister to figure it out. I remember we were both on instagram and she showed me this picture of this girl and said something like “Ugh, her stomach is so flat. Why can’t I look like that?” Which is total bullshit to begin with because my sister is hot - it runs in the family, I guess. But then I said something like “Holy shit, I’d [Insert sexual comment here]” which got a very strange look from Paige, my sister, and I thought ‘Huh, maybe that’s not normal.’ So, yeah. After that, Alisha and I started dating, we dated halfway through grade 11 through until the end of senior year. At first, I kept it a secret from my parents, and she understood that. Coming out was not an easy thing for me, for Alisha though… lets just say, she had a very different relationship with her parents. They were much more accepting than mine, but also much more strict when it came to some things. Like, for example, when they did find out we were dating, her parents did not let us go into her room, in fact, they barely let us stay at her house alone, ever. My parents, on the other hand, didn’t really care about that as much. Even when my sister brings her boyfriend over, they’re allowed in her room. So, it’s a bit of a different dynamic between her and I. When I did finally come out to my parents, I wasn’t shunned or anything, but I wasn’t exactly welcomed with open arms either. I got a lot of “I’m sure you feel that way now,” and “Theres nothing wrong with experimenting.” But it was clear that they either didn’t think this was a lasting thing, or hoped that it wasn’t going to be.

The next day when I woke up, I had a text from Alisha. I bolted upright in bed and opened my phone. “Hey, can I ask you something?” It read. Why didn’t I stay up? I hated myself for a moment, then I looked at the time stamp. 4:32 am. I wouldn’t have been awake anyway, but I felt terrible because I felt like I was the reason she was up that late. Of course, Alisha was always one to stay up late. I, on the other hand, was much more sensible, usually going to bed by 11:00 or 11:30. I texted her back “Of course. Whats up?”. I sat and waited for a minute. Nothing. I felt the tears coming back. Then, a text from Mick came in: “How ya feeling?” Not great. I send him the crying emoji and the puking emoji. “That good, huh? Want me to come?” Theres that reliability again.

“No, I’ll be ok. Thanks though.”

“Anytime, and I’m still here if you need.” I don’t need to reply to this one, Mick and I are very low communication type of friends. I flip back to my chat with Alisha. Still nothing. Then the text bubbles appear, and disappear again. I wait, but they don’t reappear. More tears. I fling my phone across my bed, watching it bounce and then land on the pillow. My sister comes in. I hadn’t seen her since yesterday morning. She understands what goes on in my house better than anyone, even Mick. I guess Mom told her what happened because she didn’t say anything, she just came over and sat with me.

“Was it because of them?”

I nodded. Again, unable to speak.

“You shouldn’t let Mom and Dad dictate your life. I know theres a lot they have control over, Jess, but not this. They don’t get to decide who you love.” She was always more independent than I am, and even though she didn’t quite have this exact problem, she understood. I loved her for that. I gave her a smile and she kissed me on the cheek and left. I felt a vibration through my bed. I sat up and flipped over my phone, Alisha had finally texted. “Sorry. I just need to know why…Did I do something?” I was in shock. I can’t believe I didn’t even tell her why. I am such a horrible person.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t you at all. It was -“ I hesitated. I felt stupid. It was still a dumb reason. “It was because of my parents. And I feel so stupid. I shouldn’t let them control my life.” My finger hovered over the send button, and eventually it fell. My stomach dropped.

“So, what are you saying?” She replied, almost immediately.

“I’m saying that” I sent that first, that way I couldn’t back out of it. “I’m sorry, and it was a huge mistake.”

My phone started buzzing, she was calling me. I took a deep breath and tried to make it sound like I wasn’t crying. God knows why, but I did.

“Hi.” I exhaled

“Hi.” She replied. “Sorry to call. It’s just-“

“You hate texting, I know.” I finished for her. After all, I did know her very well, we had been friends for four years and dated for two of them.

“So, look. I know you and your parents have a rough relationship, but I just don’t understand why you broke up with me.”

“Like I said, it was stupid. I just felt like, I don’t know, they were starting to resent me for our relationship.”

“Oh. Well, how did you feel?”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“I felt like you were one of the best things that ever happened to me.” There was no reply, so I continued, “And I feel like and idiot for ending things with you.” I waited.

“Jess, I-I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to say.”

“I get that. I know you’re probably mad at me. I get it if you never want to see me again.”

“No. I don’t want that. I want the opposite, but how can I know that you won’t do this to me again?”

“You don’t, but I can make a promise to you that I have seen the error in my ways, and if you want me back, I’m yours, with the promise that this wont happen again.”

“The point is, Jess, that if you didn’t want to end it you shouldn’t have." “I know! I know I shouldn’t have. So, of course I want you back, but if that’s not what you want then I completely understand.”

“Give me some time to think.”

“Of course!”

“Ok… Bye.”

“Bye.” There was a moment while neither of us hung up and I could hear her take a couple breaths in, then the line disconnected. I took a deep breath and felt, renewed? I just hoped she would understand that I knew how much of an idiot I was and that I never wanted to hurt her like this again.

The next day, Alisha texted me asking if we could meet for coffee. I replied right away. “3 at our spot?” She asked. “Sounds good.” I replied. I looked at the clock, 1:43pm. Only another hour to wait, I quickly hopped in the shower and then picked out my bright yellow top and paired it with my solid light blue palazzo pants. Alisha always talked about how much she loved this shirt. I put on my makeup and got in my car and drove to Liz’s Coffee House. This was “our spot”, where we had our first real date, all our hangouts, we went here all the time. I got there and checked my phone. 2:54pm. Perfect. I went in and walked towards our usual table, Alisha was already sitting there, she clearly made as much of an effort as I had. Her hair was down, the way I liked it best, and she was wearing her green off the shoulder shirt and black shorts. God, she was hot. I sat down and she pushed a coffee cup towards me. “I got you your usual.”

“Thanks.” I blushed, half surprised she did that, but then remembering Alisha, feeling more surprised that I was surprised she did that. “So,” I opened

“So.” She let it hang in the air for a minute. “I still like you.” “I still like you too.” I couldn’t meet her gaze, but I felt it on me.

“Then, as long as you follow through on your promise and don’t do anything stupid again…” I managed to look up at her.

“You have my word.” I giggled

“Good. Then we’re good.” She beamed. I let out a sigh and beamed back at her.

So, Alisha and I kept dating. In my head, it was just a few more months but Alisha said that she felt like it was a few more months she could spend with a girl she had the most fun she’d ever had in her life with, and I had to agree. So, a few more months until we would have to say goodbye again. We weren’t thinking about that, though. We were just focusing on us and now.

[blu-joons]

He Calls You In The Middle Of The Night After An Argument ~ Park Jimin

You’d lost count of the hours you’d spent staring up at the ceiling, mulling over the argument the two of you had. It was stupid and pointless, but tensions soon surfaced until there was no going back.

You’d ended up leaving the house, heading to a friend’s house for the night, sleeping on their sofa. Whilst there were miles between you, little did you know Jimin would be doing the exact same.

He couldn’t take himself off to bed knowing that you wouldn’t be there, instead he grabbed a blanket from the spare cupboard, laying it over himself on the sofa, trying to think of where it went wrong. The two of you never argued, and yet tonight it seemed like neither of you could be stopped.

The two of you couldn’t even remembered what had started you off, it quickly escalated into a shouting match you never imagined you’d have. It was horrendous, as soon as you both cooled off you regretted it, but it was too little too late.

His phone rested in his lap, lighting up constantly from notifications which he ignored. There was only one name he wanted to flash up right now. Yours.

He tried, many times to get himself off to sleep, but the sounds of your screams replayed in his head. It was like listening to a nightmare as he recalled the pained expression on your face, trying to get him to listen. But he was far too stubborn, too stubborn for his own good sometimes which is what had ended him here.

Soft tears began to fall as the blame fell on him, if he’d thought for a moment how things were affecting you, everything would have turned out so differently. In his heart, he knew he had to work things out, only guessing that things had made you as miserable as they had him.

As his phone lit up once more, he unlocked it, opening your name on his contacts, hovering over the call button. The last message you exchanged popped up, a text at teatime letting him know you were on your way home.

The tears continued to fall as the pleasant evening he anticipated the two of you having fell apart, pressing call before he could change his mind.

A vibration underneath the cushion you rested your head on disturbed you, pulling out your phone to see a photo of Jimin flash up with a red and green button on the screen, accept or decline. You took a moment to ponder what was best for you, knowing there was only ever going to be one right answer.

“Jimin,” you sighed, “it’s two in the morning, what do you want?”

“I’m sorry,” he bawled, sobbing and sniffing on the other end of the line, failing to keep himself together. “This is all my fault and I’m so sorry. I should have listened and been more considerate, I can’t sleep without you here Y/N.”

Hearing his sobs broke your heart, however angry you were, hearing the love of your life in tears was something you never wanted to endure. He was stubborn, but now he was vulnerable, exposing himself to you in a bid it would turn things around.

“I know it’s late, but can you please come home? I need you here, with me, where you belong. You shouldn’t be away from home; I’m worried about you.”

Your heart was torn glancing across at the clock, concerned by the time it was. Yet the other part of you was tuned in to the heartbreak your boyfriend was suffering, knowing you couldn’t let it go on much longer.

“I’ll be there soon.”

You hung up, grabbing a pen and paper, writing a message of thanks to your friend, letting her know where you’d gone. In the heat of the moment, you’d left with nothing, only needing your keys before sneaking out of the house, heading back to drive home.

As soon as you pulled up at the house you saw the light of the living room on, quietly opening the front door, stepping in to see Jimin laid out on the sofa, clutching at an old toy you’d bought him for one of the first tours he went on.

You crept in, slipping your shoes off, walking towards him. His skin was blotchy, several tissues surrounded him, his hair was messy, trouser legs rolled up from where he’d shuffled around so much.

“Jimin,” you whispered.

Instantly his eyes looked up to meet yours, sitting himself up, straightening his hair, brushing his hands over his face. He moved across the sofa, expecting you to sit beside him, instead you sat on the other side, leaving a small distance between you both.

He frowned, but tried not to let it get to him, remaining thankful that you’d even bothered to come home. “Thank you for coming back,” he muttered, looking down to the floor.

“It’s okay.”

The tension was still clear between you both, you both knew that one of you needed to make the move to make things right again.

“Look,” he breathed, “I’m really sorry for all that I said and did earlier. It was my fault for being too stubborn, I can’t even remember what we were arguing about, but I’m sure it was my fault, it usually is because you’re perfect.”

“Don’t say that, I’m far from perfect,” you responded, resting your arm over the back of the sofa. “I should have stopped too rather than continually arguing with you, it was stupid and meaningless, now look at the state of us.”

It was the first time you’d ever experienced a serious argument together, it was horrible and vicious, something neither of you wanted to go through again.

“If I could make things different, you know I would, I never intended to make you upset, let alone leave your home, our home.”

“I needed the time to myself for a few moments.”

The time was exactly what the two of you needed to reflect and calm yourselves down. The whole thing had been blown out of proportion, but if you didn’t step away, neither of you would have realised that.

He nodded, shuffling closer towards you, resting his hand on your lap. You didn’t react straight away, looking across at the soft pout on his face before you eventually rested your hand over his.

“Can we be alright again? I just want to sleep, and now your home, I can.”

You nodded lightly, allowing yourself to lay down across the sofa, feeling Jimin lay beside you, wrapping his arms around you tightly to keep you safe.

Rather than lay you on him, he snuggled into you, smiling as you ran your hands through his hair to comfort him. He still felt weak and exhausted, but having you home made things feel a whole lot better.

“I really am sorry for what happened,” he whispered, glancing up at you from his position on your shoulder.

You nodded lightly, brushing your thumb against his cheek. “I’m sorry as well, I think we both just need to forget about it and move on, there’s no point remembering it now, it’s all brushed under the carpet.

He smiled in agreement, turning away so he could comfortably shut his eyes, loosening his grip around your waist. “Goodnight Y/N, I love you.”

“Night Chim, I love you too.”

---

Masterlist

[bcketts]

TASK 09. GOODBYE ALLIE!

thank you.

it's bittersweet waking up the next morning. she doesn't bring much with her, most of her stuff is still at georgetown, but she remembers thinking of when she first arrived at gallagher; how scared she was, how much she wanted to leave. she looks back at the fortress and pretty much thinks the same things, and by the time the hour-long car ride to washington d.c. is done, gallagher already feels a bit like a dream. the only thing that makes it seem real at all is jack's old watch, heavy on her wrist and clunky. it's already got a few scratches from where she keeps banging it on things, throwing her hands up in the air or about, whacking it on doors and windows. but it's a sturdy thing.

dazed and confused.

they're all allowed to pick up their things, which have been packed haphazardly into boxes for them by residential life, but allie gets two boxes. there's not much she can do with them but decide to ship them home, so she takes an uber to the post office with two boxes of things, not caring enough to go through what's inside, but mostly scared that she might start bawling. it's a weird thing, getting her phone back, and she doesn't expect it to be so dang heavy! she also thought she'd have missed a lot more text messages, but she supposes that she traveled with all her best friends, so how could they have texted her? she gets chipotle in town with a few of her friends before heading to the airport, and it feels nice to sit with the other members of the club and do something normal, just for a little while.

bring it on home.

getting home is the hard part, because she hasn't seen her parents in months and she's worried they hate her, but the second she sees them near the baggage claim, tears spring to her eyes and she's running at them full-force into a big bear hug. they smell the same. she loves her mom's perfume and her family's detergent and the way her dad laughs with his belly. but it's obvious that there's something missing, they can all tell, and the presence of their daughter just hammers home the absence of their son. the group hug feels awkward with just three people, like she's not sure where to put her hands without jeremy around, and her parents keep finding themselves saying "you two" or referring to allie as a plural when she's really just one, a half of a whole.

that’s the way.

"i'm sorry about that phone call, while i was at school," allie says.

"that's alright, you were under a lot of stress."

"no, dad, i meant it. i don't believe the same things any more." and she expects to get yelled at, to get chewed out, but he just looks at her and nods and there's a moment of prolonged silence between them.

"sometimes, i'm not so sure myself. but what else is there?" and that makes allie very quiet, and she thinks she understands why her dad clings so hard to the things he believes in, and it's the exact same reasons why she can't keep clinging to them any longer.

over the hills and far away.

what allie doesn't do: visit her brother's grave and mope around her sad house. what she does do: says forget about it and takes off to the hamptons.

she gets one perfect week. that's what she keeps calling it – her perfect week. where she goes to visit levi in his home in the hamptons, flinging herself into his arms and covering him with tiny kisses just because she can. it's a whirlwind of a week where she gets very sunburnt, laughs all the time, and forgets for a while what it's like to be arkansas allie. she misses gallagher allie sometimes, and she wonders if she'll ever figure out how to be the perfect balance between the two, but right now, she's happy to spend many hours feeling someone else entirely: and that someone is rich! or at least as rich as levi madden is! and that someone has a lot of sex and spends a lot of time laughing and even though she's getting a college degree from an ivy league that could make her a whole lot of money someday, allie thinks that maybe being a trophy wife wouldn't be so bad. she loves the way he smiles, or the way he smiles at her, and she tries not to count the amount of times he does it like each one might be the last and she's got to save every single one of them.

she cries her eyes out when they say goodbye at the airport because she knows it's for real this time, and the thanks him for all the ways he made her feel sane, made her feel like herself again when personhood seemed like an impossible label to reclaim. but she also knows that despite all their pretending, that he's from a different world than she is. "don't let yourself be alone," she says, "just because you won't have a normal person life doesn't mean you shouldn't have people." because most of all, she's terrified that one day levi will be forty-something and he'll look like jack, packing his bags up with no one to go home to. "okay? and please write. you promised. or, i guess you could text me, if you want to be all twenty-first century about it." and she kisses him one last time but she's so caught up in her head about it being the last time that she can't really enjoy it, not properly.

what is and never should be.

allie goes home sunkissed and smiling, because it's sad but it's the final goodbye in the weirdest chapter of her life thus far. and then, summer resumes like normal. she's going to church on sundays with her parents, working the food drive and the bake sale, and facetiming imogen, marlowe, or luce, or...whoever will pick up the phone at any chance she can get.

on the fourth week, she develops a urinary tract infection. this is because she hates to go to the bathroom and she's always holding it, because she knows to get to the toilet, she's going to have to walk by jeremy's room and remember that he's not inside, and wonder what it looks like. so, she makes herself sick, from holding it all in. but it's sort of a wakeup call, a way too obvious metaphor – almost like it was created by a really uncreative writer. she's got to face things eventually.

since i’ve been loving you.

allie can't even open the door to jeremy's room at first, mainly because her parents have plopped his big box of stuff right in front of the door. everything else is exactly how he left it. there's gum wrappers in the trash can, socks strewn across the floor. she checks under the bed and that's how she knows her parents haven't been there – there's still that box of dirty magazines, which atty used to make fun of jeremy for having. "you do know there's the internet, right?" but jeremy was into it for the aesthetic, there was something so much more authentic to jerking off to something on print rather than pixelated. and atty would say it was pretentious. conversations like this used to make allie want to die, and they still do, because she kicks the box back and whispers, "euch." and his weed is still in the sock drawer, which is a remarkably boring place to have put it. he never used to smoke or do anything until he went to college, but allie blames atty's influence. a while ago, allie would've been a good sister and thrown it out, in case her parents ever did catch him for all the weird stuff hidden in different drawers, but instead, she puts one of his led zeppelin records on and lights up, but she has to facetime milena to figure out how to use the grinder, so perhaps it's not as poetic as it sounds.

and then she goes through the box of stuff from his dorm. there's a lot of pictures of imogen, of course, and that makes her heart hurt, because she can literally see where he used to keep them on his walls, the holes of old push pins. his violin, his skateboard, all the things he used to do to keep himself occupied. allie never knew someone so busy and so lazy at the same time. she sighs, lays down on his bed and looks up at the ceiling, knowing every crack and line by heart. it aches, everywhere, but she has to get up to skip stairway to heaven, since that's just too dang ironic.

ramble on.

allie visits his grave on the last day of summer, but it's nothing like his room. she goes with her parents and allie's a sympathetic crier, so when her mom cries, she cries too, but she can't help but think that this isn't where jeremy is. with all the dead people. he's in his room, with all the things that made him himself, or he's at georgetown, laughing with her and her friends in an amnesty international meeting. he's still around, in a way. he's just not here.

bring it on back.

it's the first time that she's ever traveled from pointsett to washington, d.c. alone, but by now it's late august and she's feeling alright, almost excited for the fresh start – to see steph, hudson, and matt again, to start dreaming again how they'll save the world. because it's always more exciting to conspire with friends than alone. but of course, thoughts of gallagher academy linger in the back of her mind, and as she moves to get her bag, she whacks the clunky watch on her wrist on the overhead compartment. she shakes her wrist out, but she smiles as she wheels her suitcase down the aisles and head to hail an uber, grateful for the small reminder that she's not alone, and that it wasn't a dream.

[hypnoticwinter]

The End of the Line

He comes in again with those big tearful eyes and I know he’s been thinking about it again. Don’t let’s think about it, I tell him, again and again, but he doesn’t listen. He refuses to listen. He actively, willfully decides to listen.

“Hey,” he says.

“Let me stop you right there,” I tell him, and he looks hurt.

“Isn’t this important to you?”

“Not really.”

“Amanda, we’re going to die in less than a month and you don’t care?”

“Of course I care,” I tell him. When I finish speaking I can sort of feel the knowledge bubbling up in my head from wherever it hides while we’re busy. “How long do you have?” I ask him. Twenty-six days, thirteen hours, four minutes, thirty-seven seconds, thirty-six seconds, thirty-five seconds.

One of our friends got really wrapped up in keeping track of it and just ended up counting down until he died a few weeks ago. I think you have to have a strong mind in order to deal with something like this. And the best part is there’s nothing you can do about it, ultimately; either you make yourself busy and studiously ignore the fact that the exact date and time of your death is ticking down for you in your head if you don’t focus on something else, or you get lost in it. You can’t even kill yourself until that exact second, something goes wrong every time, or at least that’s what the scientist said on the news the other day. He pulled out a gun and shot himself right there in front of everyone and we all watched as the gun jammed and misfired and killed a crewman behind the set when he took it down from his forehead. John shivered himself to sleep that night, next to me. I didn’t care to comfort him.

Alice doesn’t really understand yet. “Mommy,” she asks me, “what happens in –“ a tiny frown of concentration – “seventy years, six months, five days, twenty-nine minute, eighteen seconds?”

I suppose I should be glad that my daughter gets a relatively long life but I find it difficult to care about things. I smile at her and congratulate her on all the big words, and she shrugs. “The voice in my head said them for me,” she explains, and I laugh terribly hollowly.

In the night he tries to talk to me about it again and I push him away. “Will you stop?” I ask him. “There’s nothing we can do about it.”

“You haven’t even made a will – “

“I don’t care about a will.”

“What about Alice? Don’t you want her to get –“

“It doesn’t matter.”

The only conversation about it I’ll endure with him is the one where we speculate as to the method of our deaths. Since they’re so close together I figure we must get in a car accident or something, but he keeps coming up with the most dramatic and unnecessary means of death. “What if we get eaten by sharks?” he asks, his eyes bright. “What if we –“

“This is morbid,” I tell him.

“Is it morbid if it’s yourself you’re guessing about?”

“I guess. I don’t know.”

“What if we get in a shootout with a band of –“

“I’m going to bed.”

 It turns out there’s a lot less mass panic when something strange like this happens if you literally can’t die until your appointed time. Although plenty of people did die during the riots and looting and etc. It makes me wonder how deterministic this sort of thing is. Whether your death is preordained or if there’s some sort of temporality to it, where you still have free will and so on but your death will happen no matter what at that exact moment, by an aneurysm if fate has to do it that way. I don’t much feel like testing it out, though.

There was one particularly vivid story in the news of a newborn who, a few moments after he was out of the womb and stable (that is to say, not crying any more), got a terrible expression on his face and started bawling, startling the nurse holding him so much that she dropped him, banging his head on a metal bedpost and killing him instantly.

One night while he’s asleep I go into Alice’s room and sit there watching her sleep until she wakes up and frowns at me, dark eyes shining in the light of her alarm clock. “How long did you say you had?” I ask her, and she thinks for a moment and tells me. “Seventy years, five months, -“

“Okay, that’s fine.”

“Why?”

“I was just thinking.”

Maybe I die of grief.

 He takes more time off of work, and then doesn’t do anything useful with it. Whenever I point it out to him he tells me we only have sixteen days left so what’s the point of doing anything. I remind him that Alice has way more than that left and I’d rather she wasn’t homeless after we die, thank you very much, and he grumbles a little and asks me why I’m being so responsible now when I didn’t care enough to make a will, and I shrug at him and roll my eyes and say that people can change anyway. He hasn’t been fired yet, somehow, but I think it’s because they have so few people there already that they can’t afford to lose any more, even the ones who are clinically depressed because their expiration date is fast approaching.

Sometimes he cries. He asks me why and how I can be so heartless and I tell him that I just don’t understand why we have to make such a fuss about it. He shakes his head at me and looks at me like I’ve just sprouted a few extra heads.

“We’re going to die,” he says, like emphasizing the word makes it more meaningful. “Why doesn’t that matter to you?”

“What can we do about it?”

“We can – we can get Alice ready, we can explain to her –“

“That isn’t doing anything about it,” I tell him. “That sort of thing doesn’t matter. I’m talking about, what can we do to prevent our deaths?”

He thinks about it for a moment. “We could just stay inside that day, away from anything that could possibly hurt us.”

“I wonder how painful an aneurysm is,” I muse, and he sighs again and falls silent. There’s a long slow pause. The heat is seeping in again, summer trying to pry itself into our lives through the cracks in the windows and the doors. It exhausts me. I find myself sticking to chairs, melting out into puddles. I take four showers a day and it still doesn’t help. Alice keeps coming to me with her face slick with sweat and asking why it’s so hot, mommy, and I reach down languidly and ruffle her hair and tell her it’s because the people at the electrical company are all suffering from intense cases of ennui and can’t be bothered to keep the power on, and she frowns at me.

“What’s on wee?”

“Ennui. It’s boredom, that’s all.”

“Can we go to the pool later?”

“What the hell,” I tell her, and she blushes like she always does when I say a bad word. “Let’s go now. I’m hot too.”

The public pool is properly deserted, even at this time of day, at this time of year. We splash around for a while until a young man comes and yells at us. “There’s no lifeguard,” he says. “You could be hurt.”

I give him a look. “My daughter has seventy years left,” I tell him. “She’s going to be fine.”

“What if she slips and hits her head or breaks her arm or something?”

“She won’t.”

“You can’t know,” he says, shaking his head and pointing to the low gate. “You’d better leave.”

“The pool’s supposed to be open anyway,” I say, looking at the posted hours. “Why’s it closed?”

“There’s no lifeguard.”

“What happened to the old one?”

“He quit.”

“Why?”

“Didn’t feel he was needed any more.”

“When are you hiring a new one?”

“I don’t know,” he says. “Are you leaving or not?”

“What’ll you do if I don’t?” I ask. Next to me Alice is clinging to my leg, staring at the young man with wide eyes. She’s probably never heard anybody talk this way to me, I think.

“I’ll call the cops,” he says, and I roll my eyes at him.

“We’re not causing any harm,” I say, and he says he can’t know that and rummages around for his phone and then I take Alice and we leave. On the way home she looks up at me and asks why that man wanted us to leave and I shrug at her, then realize this is perhaps not the most reassuring gesture I could be making.

“Everybody’s nervous,” I start to tell her, and then I stop. She looks up at me.

“Is it because of all the times?”

“What?”

“All the times in everybody’s heads,” she says.

“Oh. Yes, it is.”

“What happens, mom?”

“When the time runs out, you mean?”

“Yes.”

“Best not to worry about that.”

“My friends are worried. Freddy Jimenez, you know him right mom?”

“Yes.”

“He says that his timer runs out in three weeks.”

I think about that for a moment. I was a rather vague acquaintance of his mother, the short and rotund Mrs. Jimenez. I’d met her a couple times at school things. “Is he scared?” I ask Alice. She shrugs.

“I guess so,” she says. “His mom won’t tell him what’ll happen. She says it’s a surprise.” Alice’s tiny brow furrows. “I don’t like surprises like that, I think.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a scary surprise. It doesn’t sound like a good surprise.”

“It could be,” I point out. “You don’t know for sure.”

A very large truck runs a red light at the intersection in front of us. There is a general honking and slamming on of brakes. “Hmm,” I say to myself.

“What?”

I look down at Alice. Very big blue eyes look up at me. “Nothing,” I tell her.

“It didn’t sound like nothing,” she murmurs, and I tousle her hair.

“It’s nothing. You shouldn’t worry about the times,” I tell her.

“How long do you have, mommy?”

I blink and there it is in my head, right in front of me, counting down the seconds.

“Long enough,” I tell her, and squeeze her hand.

 One week out I wake in the middle of the night to find him curled against me, rubbing against my back and behind, one hand gripping my breast. I roll over and push him off and try to get back to sleep but he follows me, lays on top of me, puts his harsh weight over me. “I can’t breathe,” I tell him, and he murmurs and apology and slips a little off. He starts trying to take off my panties and I groan and tell him that I was sleeping so wonderfully just a few seconds ago and why does he suddenly have to be so horny and he sort of whines that he can’t help it, we’ve only got a week left, we have to make the most of our time, and so on. It makes me feel like bugs are crawling over me and I get up and put on my clothes and walk out of the room. He calls after me and I just shrug and tell him I feel like going for a walk.

It is a very cool and mild night, and out here in the suburbs the light pollution from the city is a little bit less than it might be if I were downtown, so I can look up and see the stars. Not many of them, to be fair, but I can see the Big Dipper and Orion and that’s good enough for me. Seeing the stars makes me feel a little less alone. There are a few cars driving along the main road, doing whatever nameless midnight tasks they’ve set for themselves, but for the most part it’s just me, wandering the street, looking round at the rows and rows of houses with empty windows like dead eyes. Lots of blank stares. I go far enough for the suburb to start to peter out and melt into the very edge of the city, with all the liquor stores and moneylenders and things like that sprouting up like fungi. There are more people here, but none of them really look at me. They all look very preoccupied. I wonder how many of them obsess over it. I’ve tried not to, told myself it isn’t healthy, that life can go on and be normal even with that knowledge in the back of your head.

I imagine that life insurance companies are having a field day.

There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to do about it, either. I walk back and go home. He isn’t in bed and I shrug and fall back asleep. When I wake up he’s back and I sigh at myself and roll my eyes and reach into his pants to jerk him awake.

 Nobody’s rioting, which surprises me. Everyone seems to have adjusted. Except for him. He keeps walking around, rubbing his chest, looking out the window. I watch him languidly. Every now and then he glances back at me and gives me an odd look. “Aren’t you nervous?” he asks finally. I shrug at him.

“I guess not,” I tell him.

“We’re going to die,” he says.

“Everyone dies eventually.”

“I don’t want to die.”

“Does anyone?”

“Why are you taking this so calmly?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?”

“It makes me feel silly.”

I laugh. It feels like I am coughing. “At least you’re honest,” I say.

“Half an hour,” he says in a dreadful voice. I clear my mind and think about it for a moment.

“Yes,” I agree finally. “Half an hour.”

“I wonder what will happen,” he says.

“Only one way to find out.”

“I’m scared,” he says. I glance over to the side, to the open door. Alice is peeking her head in. She ducks back when she sees me. I think for a moment that I ought to go put her to bed, but I don’t.

“It’s alright to be scared,” I tell him. “There’s no shame in that.”

“I don’t want to die,” he repeats, and he looks at me blankly, like a little kid might look at a parent when the parent tells them something they don’t understand and don’t care about.

“Would you like to go out with me and look at the stars?” I ask. He blinks.

“We’ll be safer inside,” he says automatically, then laughs. “I guess not,” he says. “I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“Are you coming?”

“I guess so.”

“Well, come on then.”

“Will you be back soon mommy?” We both turn to look at Alice. When he doesn’t say anything I smile at her.

“Very soon,” I say. “Don’t worry.”

“Can I come?”

“Perhaps it’s best if you don’t,” he says, and Alice frowns.

“But –“

“No buts,” I tell her. “Go to bed.”

“Okay,” she groans, then turns and scampers off down the hall. We watch her go then I reach over and take his hand and smile at him.

“Come on,” I tell him.

 Outside the night is clear and I can see all of the stars that I like to. “Ursa Major,” I say, pointing to it. “And Minor.”

“Which one?”

“That little one.”

“That one?”

I look over. “No, this one, see?”

As I roll onto my side the sweet grass prickles at my back and a little sweat rolls down my back. He blinks up at the sky rather owlishly.

“Are you still worried?” I ask him, and he shrugs.

“It doesn’t feel real,” he says. “I don’t think we’re going to die in…five minutes.”

“I wonder what’ll happen,” I say.

“I hope it isn’t painful.”

“Me too,” I mumble. I’m busy checking my phone for the time. Five minutes will make it 10:47.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“Sorry for what?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I could have been better to you.”

“Oh, it’s alright.”

“No, I’m serious. You deserved a lot better.”

I look over at him and he smiles at me softly. He really is quite pretty when he smiles. He doesn’t do it often enough. “A pity,” I murmur, and he frowns.

“What is?”

“Nothing,” I tell him as my hands close around his throat and he shuts his eyes. When he reaches up for my throat I laugh at him.

“What?” he croaks, but then I squeeze until my hands hurt. Finally when it feels like it’s done I flop over, pat around for my phone, look at the time. 10:49.

Up in the sky the stars seem very bright indeed. I shut my eyes and think for a moment until out of the middle of my mind that familiar, hard-edged number pops into my consciousness. Forty years exactly. Then thirty-nine years, eleven months, thirty days, twenty-four hours, fifty-nine minutes, fifty-eight, fifty-seven, six, five, four…

[ask-the-jsegos-archived]

You mentioned some shared experience with JJ? What happened (if u dont mind me asking)

Ah yeah, that... Well, it’s a bit personal but I don’t mind sharing! It does involve eating disorders though, so I’ll just keep talking under the cut.

Alrighty. So, this isn't something I talk about often, but I do think it needs to be addressed, for multiple reasons. One reason being the stereotype that only white girls have eating disorders. Neither Jamie nor I are white girls (obviously), and we've dealt with crippling issues along these lines.

Anyway. For context, I'll talk about my original battle first. I've never had a straightforward relationship with food. For me, it's always been too much. When I first started falling into bad habits, I was just starting highschool. I'd been working out for a couple years before, but it just got more and more intense once highschool hit. I could probably make a whole other post on the reasons why I fell into a disorder in the first place, honestly. I started doing less stamina workouts and more fat loss/muscle gain. I started eating just a little bit less every week, just enough so i wouldn't tip off my family. I was losing so much weight, and I felt really good. But it never felt like enough. No matter how much I lost, I was always able to find that one spot that had too much fat, or the one spot that wasn't enough muscle. I was never satisfied with how I looked. Surprisingly, my parents never fully caught on until I'd moved out. They had their suspicions, but never acknowledged them. In any case, I'd moved out, and into an apartment with Marv and Henrik. The two of them had noticed from the beginning, and were constantly trying to make sure I was taking care of myself. Obviously I'd lie, say that I was fine, that I've definitely eaten today. It wasn't until I passed out on a dual patrol with Marv that I realized how little I actually knew about what I was doing to myself. After so many years of doing this to my body, I honest to God thought Henrik was gonna say that I've ruined it. But I hadn't. Not yet. Recovery was a bitch, and it involed many restless hours of not working out, lots of guilt after eating something anywhere close to a normal portion, and so on. Eventually, I was up to a healthy weight. My old superhero suit didn't fit me anymore, so I had to get a new one. I kept the old one though, thinking it would remind me of how far I've come. After around a year of recovering, I'd gone out parkouring near the skate park because I needed to do something. I wasn't allowed to go alone, so Marv had tagged along to make sure I didn't fall back into old behaviors after all of my hard work. This is actually when I met Chase! I'll spare you the lame, cheesy details, but we got to talking, and somehow I ended up accidentally giving him the opportunity to compliment me, which he did. Hearing a genuine compliment from someone I barely knew was almost enough to just make me cry, right there. And I almost did, too, but I'm under just enough control of my emotions to not start bawling in public, haha.

I got a little sidetracked there, whoops. But that's my fight. Now onto Jamie, and the shared experience we had.

When Jamie came to us, he was fucked up. We knew he'd be in a bad state, considering we literally just tore him out of Anti's grip without warning, but nobody was expecting him to be in quite as bad of a state. He really struggled with eating, but most of us just played it off as anxiety or something. But something that Anti did to him must have lead him to believe he wasn't worthy of eating, or something similar, because some of his behaviors seemed all too familiar. I noticed the look on his face when he ate, and I remember having made that exact one countless times. When he walked past a mirror, I saw how he quickly glanced, making sure he still looks "skinny enough." He started wearing baggier clothes, hiding as much of his body as he could. What really broke me, what made me feel just so awful for not stepping in earlier, and so so awful for Jamie, was when I caught him actually body-checking. His fingers were wrapped around his wrist and he was so caught up in whatever fat he saw in the mirror that he didn't even hear me approach him. I don't have many specific memories of things any of us said during this period, but I'll always remember that I said "Whatever you see, it isn't there. You're perfect exactly the way you are." I think that moment was the one that really started that bond between us.

Another event that strengthened our bond was our first relapses. The one downside of living with another person going through the same shit as you is that when one gets hit, you feed off of each other and you both end up in a bad space. I relapsed first. I don't even remember what triggered it, but the entire time I just felt like I wasn't really in control of it. It just took over, and I was along for the ride. I tried my best to keep it a secret, keeping my schedule the same, any extra workouts were done in the privacy of my room. This me was determined to be able to fit back into my old suit. Everything was going as planned, I was losing weight fast, and all I got was the occasional "You okay?" from the guys. Until stupidly, I left the scale out. Henrik had taken out the batteries and put it out of sight when both of us had recovered, just as a caution. I'd been using it for some time now, but I was usually pretty good about putting it back. I must have gotten an emergency call or something though, because I never put it back. When I get back, I start to my room and hear Jamie crying. So I knock on his door to announce that I'm opening it, and I see him sitting on his bed, his fingers around his wrist. I know immediately that it's my fault, and all I can do is pull him into a tight hug and apologize. We talk for a while about what the hell we're dealing with, and promise each other that we'll tell the guys ourselves this time. That didn't happen until a few weeks later (happy birthday Chase, your friends are relapsing), but we told them and they're doing more for us than we could ever have asked for.

As of right now, Jamie and I are both still working on recovering, but we're both in a really good space.

[pxjiminsi]

PT.1 Bad Person

Chapter 5: pt 1 rom the Series: Before you go

Synopsis: Wanting to escape the unending criticism from your peers and parents about your life choices, you flew to L.A to figure out your life. On the same flight, you encounter an early debut, full of dreams, Bangtan Sonyeondan. Not knowing that that encounter will change your life forever.

Pairing: Jimin x reader, Taehyung x reader, Jin x OC, OT5 x reader platonic love

Fic Type: Slice of life au

Genre: !!ANGST ANGST!!

Warning: none :)

A/n: Thank you for patiently waiting! I’ve been busy in preparation for BE’s comeback! Stream Life goes On here! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5q5mZbe3V8

You woke up tired. You opened your eyes determined to close it again after getting water for your aching throat. Checking your phone, 10:00 a.m. You have a pending interview at 1:00 p.m for an intern job at Soo Yun’s father’s firm. You don’t wanna go, but you know her dad placed an effort to get you that interview and you don’t want to live in Soo Yun’s house forever.

Dragging yourself out of bed to prepare for the interview was the hardest part, staring at the bathroom mirror still wearing your yellow sundress from last night. You look like Esther from the movie The Orphan with mascara and eyeliner all over your puffy face. You run the water from the tub, testing the temperature first, then taking off your dress and going in.

You bend your knees to your chest, replaying the event that took place last night. Embarrassed at how you made a scene at your friends’ dorm. Well, not really sure now if you can still call them friends by now. A lot of things were foggy since the realization of your break up came up late, you were in shock for about an hour when you realized that Jimin was driving you and Soo Yun back home. 

All you remember was how Jae broke up with you accusing you of cheating. You didn’t know what’s worse, If it was the actual cheating, or him accusing you without knowing that you cheated hours before he called. You also remember how Taehyung rushed to your side when he saw you crying, not sure how much he heard from the phone call. You’re never getting over how much tears and snot went in his sweater as you bawled your eyes out when he held you and how loud you were that the whole group rushed to where you were. 

Soo Yun knew exactly what happened upon seeing you and asked the group to book the both of you an Uber, but Jimin volunteered to drive you home as it’s already past 9:00 p.m. The entire car ride was quiet, no one dared to speak or ask you questions, Jimin didn’t even open the radio and he knew how much you love singing to tunes while on a road trip. You stare at the crowded streets of L.A, observing people. People laughing inside the restaurants, couples walking while holding hands, a father and his daughter on his shoulders. That’s one of the things you often do, observe people, and try to guess what emotions they are feeling at the exact moment you see them. 

You feel Jimin’s hand brushing yours when he stops at a traffic light and as much as you want to hold him too, your head is too fucked up to respond. You slowly pull yours and cross your arms. He pulls off the driveway, “Thank you” that’s the only thing you said before disappearing inside the house, not having the strength to look at him in the eyes and be more vulnerable than you already were. 

You went straight to your bedroom with Soo Yun trailing you, she lay beside you and said, “Jimin said to call him if you need anything or in the group chat. Everyone’s worried about you, I’m worried.” But you don’t say anything, you just stare at your best friend's pretty face wondering if you ruined her moment with Jin. “You didn’t ruin anything, don’t worry about it, we’re already texting since we left. He’s worried about you, you know. He said he’d been through somewhat the same thing.” Sometimes it’s unbelievable how effective your telepathy with each other is. 

“Soo yun, I feel weird,” you said staring at the ceiling. “Weird how?” she asked, positioning herself like you. “It hurts so much how Jae said those things to me, it’s true though. I did cheat on him, but he didn’t know that yet. The thing is, I cried mostly at the flashbacks that ran in my mind when he said that I deserved the hate I got from school. Not that he broke up with me. I mean, yeah that hurt, but I feel relief more than anything else.” Soo Yun just hums and nodded at you.

“Am I a bad person? I left Korea to try and find myself, and --” Soo Yun interrupted you. “You’re not a bad person, did you make a mistake? Yes. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That makes you human. The only thing that you can do now is to be a better person than you were today and yesterday.” You feel tears started forming again so you shut your eyes, eventually feeling the exhaustion you had the whole day, drifting off to sleep.

You put makeup on, continuously reminding yourself of what Soo Yun said last night. “I’m better, I’m going to be better, starting from this interview.” you take a deep breath admiring yourself in the mirror. You’re wearing your favorite maroon coordinated skirt and blazer with a white blouse inside. “Here’s the heels you want to borrow,” Soo Yun said, barging into your room. “Holy smokes, you looked like you didn’t experience hell last night.” she sits on your bed with her phone.

“Did you check the group chat already? They’re checking up on you earlier before they went to practice,” she asks. “No, not yet,” flashbacks yet again of your embarrassing breakdown flood your mind. “I feel like they think of me now as a drama queen. I’m especially mortified at seeing Tae, I held onto him like a child missing at the mall then finding their parents after the security announced it all over,” you scream at yourself in the mirror like it’s only dawning to you now.

“That's, uh, an offbeat analogy,” she said looking confused. You grab your phone on the nightstand as you browse your messages. Private messages from Jimin and Taehyung appeared as well as your group chat. A sense of relief took over your body once you saw the messages on the group chat. “I got to go, it’s already 11:45, L.A traffic is so unpredictable.” You said placing your phone inside your bag. 

While driving you straighten out your priorities. 

1. Ace this interview, you’re already 20. Either get this job or go back to Korea.

2. Reply to your messages, also return your dad’s phone call he’s been worried for days now. 

3. Talk to Jae. Tell him the truth, even though you broke up. He deserves to know the truth.

4. Talk to Jimin. Figure out what’s this and if whatever this is, is it worth it?

[nullominous-q]

This is not a warning.

I’m going to share a story with you. One, that I’m sure I don’t want to. Don’t really have a say in the matter here, something is bearing down on me. Making me sit down here in my room, making my fingers fly across the keyboard. I haven’t paused once since starting, which is odd for me.

It’s like I can barely control myself anymore, like I’m a puppet on strings. And I’m not sure I want to try and struggle, because I’m sure whatever is in control, wouldn’t be too happy with me. But strangely enough, I don’t feel like it’d hurt me.

It needs me. That’s for certain.

But what scares me, is how much it doesn’t need my family, my friends. So, here’s my story.

My life up until this week had always been normal, boring even. I’ve got two older sisters, my dad. My oldest sister, Len lives with her girlfriend and her parents. But Willow, dad and I all live in the same single floor house we’ve had for at least twelve years.

My family supports one another, but dad has always pushed us to be as independent as possible. He always calls the world a “dog eat dog” kinda place, and he’s right of course. But sometimes, his resolve to make us independent was a pain.

Like he did with my sisters when they went off to college, dad paid for only half of my tuition, and left the rest to me. He’d also end up taking care of my textbooks, but either way. I spent most summers writing countless essays for scholarship money, doing one-shot commissions, anything to get the cash.

But in the end, the most surefire way of getting money, was always getting a job. So I also spent time flooding open jobs with my resume. And that’s what eventually led to me being here, typing up something I don’t want to. Typing up something I’d rather just forget and consign to oblivion.

I got a call from one of the countless jobs I’d applied for, saying they were impressed by my many hours of community service and prior work in a TV station, and wanted to conduct an interview in person at their own station.

I, eager to start a job, and it being already two weeks into the summer, agreed. The interview would take place the following Tuesday, and after asking my dad, he smiled proudly at the news, but couldn’t drive me there due to work.

The tv station was nearly two hours away by train, but I was feeling exceptionally lazy before the day of the interview had even arrived. So I asked Willow, and ran into the same response. And then I asked Len, and she was free to take me. Or would have been, had her girlfriend not needed the car they shared to attend a funeral.

Running low on patience and people with working or available vehicles, I was starting to wonder if it was really worth the trouble of bothering anyone else about it. But just as I was about to resign myself to a crowded, uncomfortable two hour train ride, I got a text from a friend.

Steven, nice, funny, prankster, had a painfully obvious crush on me, licensed driver…

I debated in my head for a while on my own capacity for cruelty, before shaking my head. I wasn’t being cruel, nor had I ever been. I knew Steven had a crush on me, but I never led him on. I even mentioned a few times out loud how I really wasn’t ever getting into a relationship with anyone. Romantically, sexually, I’d never had any desire for any of that stuff and seriously doubted that I ever would. The only thing that sustained the guy’s crush at this point, was his own stubbornness. And that was not on me.

Plus, if he said no, that’d be the end of it. I wouldn’t try to tempt him or make any promises. I was asking him for a favor, that was it.

And in the end I didn’t even need to do that. After exchanging pleasantries and being asked “what’s going on?”, I told him of my plight and he immediately offered his help. I asked him if he was really sure about it, feeling slightly uncomfortable at his willingness.

He was sure.

He was always sure when it came to me, and frankly, I hated it.

I just hoped someday soon he’d realize how hopeless a relationship between us was, and he’d quit being such a yes-man for me. I felt like I’d done as much as possible, short of screaming “I’m aromantic and don’t like you like that!” in his face. And well, I may not have loved him like that, but he was a good friend. I trusted him, he was always there for me even before he liked me… I didn’t want to fuck that up.

It was only a few days before I was throwing my backpack into the backseat of Steven’s car. Inside the bag was only a few things, a change of clothes for when my interview was done, my tablet, phone charger, and an assortment of other such things.

Steven gave me a two fingered salute as I joined him in the front and strapped in, “Looking sharp Morgan!” He fished his phone out of his pocket and buckled it into the holder on the dash. “You already texted me the address right?”

I nodded with a smile, “Yep. How’s college treating you? Or should I say, how are you treating college?”

Steven opened the address on his phone and grinned, “Wonderfully, and wonderfully. How dare you suggest any different?”

“Because you’re full of shit,” I shot back with a chuckle as I watched him start up the car.

“I’m filled to the brim with sweetness and charm. I am delightful, all my professors say so,” he shifted out of neutral and pulled away from the curb.

I looked forward and nodded slowly, “Uh huh, name one. I’ll email them to make sure.”

“Aw, you will?”

“Drive Steven.”

We spent most of the drive talking over the radio music we weren’t really listening to, catching up on anything we hadn’t covered in our last text conversation. It was nice, something I truly missed about being back home. The serenity of the drive almost distracted me from Steven’s occasional long stares, almost.

Maybe there was no way to settle this infatuation he had for me, peacefully at this point. Not to say that Steven was a violent guy! No way, he’d always been a pacifist, it wasn’t in his nature to hurt people. One time he broke down bawling all because he’d tripped and accidentally headbutted a guy in high school.

But sometimes I had to wonder if anyone else had been in my exact position, and gotten out of it with their friendship intact. Maybe the friendship falling apart was just something that happened when there were unreciprocated feelings. I hoped not.

Anyways, at this point, nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

I got to my interview on time, got out on time, and then I changed out of my formal clothes in a McDonald’s. Steven and I ate, and by the time we were back in the car, it was near 6pm.

I was tired, but not dead tired. And somehow, I think Steven knew it, because he suggested we go to an arcade for an hour or two. As a “reward for always working so hard”, as he put it. It took a bit of nagging, but he eventually convinced me.

I wasn’t tired enough to refuse gaming, but I was tired in a different way. The stress of finding my own tuition money and job alone was starting to wear me down, as Steven so tactfully implied in our game of skeeball. As he dubbed me “cash zombie” after my tenth loss, searching the land for money to devour.

Props to him, it fit how I felt to a T. However, the new nickname inspired me to challenge him to pool. Which I promptly kicked his ass in.

I was having fun until he walked up to me and asked me to show him how to hold the pool stick, with a smirk I gladly showed him. It wasn’t until I glanced up that I realized it wasn’t my technique he was observing.

I stood and then said I wanted to go home. He seemed taken aback but didn’t protest. With the tickets won from all the skeeball, he bought himself a little grumpy dog charm, and bought me a light up pen.

I accepted it with a smile, trying to shake off the deep discomfort that rested heavily in my chest. I was starting to remember why I ended up not going to my first choice college.

We hit the road at 8pm. Steven and I talked for a bit before he realized my eyes were drooping. With a soft laugh, he said I could go to sleep if I wanted to.

I gladly did…

And then woke up only minutes later, for some reason I still don’t understand. But I woke up, and it was dark out. The radio in the car played softly, I watched absently as the dark road was illuminated by Steven’s headlights and nothing else.

I looked over to Steven, his eyes were on the road, a small smile on his face as he hummed to the music. God I never understood how he could smile so much.

He glanced at me, “Couldn’t sleep? Sorry, the radio’s probably too loud.” Without waiting for me to say anything he reached for the volume and turned it lower. It was nearly inaudible now, I sighed.

“The music was fine Steven. Dunno why I woke up really…” I trailed off as I looked out into the near black of night.

“Bad dream maybe?”

“Those usually don’t wake you up a few minutes into sleeping right?”

“I dunno. All I know is that when you’re asleep, your brain doesn’t give a shit if you’ve been asleep for 12 hours or 1, it can still make you have a dream that feels like an entire day has gone by.”

“Yeah those are weird ones,” I muttered to myself, “Well, doesn’t matter. Even if I did have a nightmare I don’t remember it. I was asleep and then I wasn’t.”

We lapsed into silence. I listened to the calm breaths of my friend, the radio’s quiet  voices, I watched small reflectors pass us by, making sure the car kept on the road in the darkness.

Steven sighed, “Don’t even know what song they’re playing anymore, mind if I turn the radio back up?”

“I already said the radio was fine as it was,” I muttered in response, unable to keep a little annoyance from slipping into my voice.

With a soft laugh Steven reached for the volume and turned the knob. A voice could now clearly be heard. “There we…” Steven started but then trailed off as the voice continued speaking.

I looked over to the radio and blinked as I listened to what was coming out from it. “You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute. You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute,” I recognized the voice as the woman that usually did commercial breaks and announced what song was up next. I listened to the station often, so I knew it was definitely her.

Steven and I exchanged a few unsure glances, and I felt a confused smile pull at my face, I saw the same almost appear on Steven’s face as well. But then she said it again. “You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute. You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute. You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute. You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute.”

She continued the monotonous chant in a hollow voice, and the longer Steven and I just sat there listening, the more tightly my chest clenched in discomfort. I opened my mouth and swallowed to try and get rid of the dry feeling that had settled in my throat, “Wh…why isn’t her crew stopping her…”

Steven let out a soft laugh that sounded forced in every way, his voice was tinged in fear, “Maybe it’s uh…a prank? Hell of a good one I’d say!”

Meanwhile the chant had begun to make me antsy, I glanced around us, we were alone on the road and there were still no streetlights in sight. “You’re deaf. You’re blind. You’re mute,” what the hell did it mean?

I looked back at the radio to see Steven reaching out to hit something, maybe the change station button, the power button, but his hand just hovered in midair shaking ever so slightly, like he was scared to interrupt the incessant chant.

I quickly raised a hand to grab his wrist, “H-hold up.” There was something off about the woman’s voice. I placed my fingers on the volume, and looked at Steven. He was trying to keep his eyes on the road, but his eyes kept going from me to the radio. I frowned and took both of my hands away, “Stop the car.”

Steven gave me a look that was somehow both relieved and wary, but slowed us to a halt and put the emergency lights on. I nodded to him, “Thanks. I…I just want to check something.” Steeling myself, I reached for the volume again, and turned it up ever so slightly.

After a moment of not hearing any change, I turned it up again, more this time. The car was now filled with the woman’s chanting, making it louder hadn’t helped my nerves, but it did help me pick out one more disturbing aspect.

“Is…is that her crew?” I looked to see if Steven heard it too. There was an overlap, like they were all around the microphone chanting, but one or more of them couldn’t say it at the exact same pacing. Judging by Steven’s expression, he heard exactly what I had. His face was pale, his hands were clenching and unclenching in his lap.

He gave me a nervous smile, “Uh, h-hey Morgan, c-c-can we switch stations now? This prank has uh, outlived itself.”

I felt my head move to nod numbly before I could really think about it. As opposed to before, Steven’s hand jumped to hit the change station button.

Music.

There was normal, calming music. Well, as calming as country could be, but opposed to the chanting? It was a nice change of atmosphere. The relief in the car was palpable, Steven sighed and I sunk into my seat. I laughed a bit, “Holy shit!”

Steven chuckled nervously, obviously not understanding why I was so tickled. And to be honest, I wasn’t. It felt more like a reflex to counter how unnerving the situation had been. “Yeah they uh, they got us good. Weird though, it’s the beginning of summer, not Halloween, not April Fools. Why would they…”, Steven started before shaking his head with a huff.

He was rattled, and I understood, I was too. It had only been two minutes or so, but being out on country roads in near complete dark, and hearing a whole radio station chanting for seemingly no reason, was just downright creepy.

Steven took a deep breath before smiling over at me, “Well that does give me a hell of an idea for a party prank, so I’ll consider this a learning experience!” He put his hands back on the wheel and turned his emergency lights off.

The music cut out to static, I looked at the radio in confusion. And went cold when a different chorus of voices began to chant. “Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth.”

I just stared as the words continued to resound through the car, and in an attempt to make sense of the situation, I went for my phone.

“Wh-what are you doing calling the cops?” Steven asked me in a voice tinged with fear.

I wasn’t, “I’m finding out if there’s a blog post or something about this, maybe it’s a secret event or something. Like, you scan across all the stations working together to uh, y’know figure out a secret message first and get a free cruise or some shit. I don’t know! Something!” I was grasping at straws but it was all I had.

Steven just nodded and seemed to jump onboard with my theory, “I-I’ll check the other stations.” He hit the next station button while my browser took forever to load up Google.

It was only silent for a moment before the car was filled with voices again, different voices, but the same chant as before. “Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth. Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth. Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth.”

There hadn’t even been any music. Steven hit the next button, no change and my browser still hadn’t loaded up. Same chant, different voices.

“Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth. Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth. Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth.”

He hit next again, and my browser quit loading giving me the timeout page. As the exact same chant surfaced from the silence again, I let out a shuddering breath and hit the reload button and silently begged for it to work.

Even if this was some sort of elaborate, fucked up prank, there’d be no way that so many stations would be saying the same message.

“Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth.”

Steven with a frustrated growl hit the steering wheel, “This is so fucked up! What the hell are they thinking! It-i-it…! It’s not even funny anymore, it stopped being funny like six stations ago!”

I took a deep breath and looked to Steven as the voices kept on, his eyes were wide, fixed to the radio as the voices kept on and on. His breathing was quick and shallow, he was panicking. I understood, I felt the same way. In fact the only thing keeping me from joining him in his panic, was how worried I was for him.

He was the one behind the wheel, he couldn’t be shaken like this, it was a bad idea to let him spiral.

“Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth. Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth.”

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! FUCKING STOP!” Steven shouted at the radio. I knew I needed to intervene, this was driving us both mad, but someone had to take control of the situation. I threw my unresponsive phone down.

Taking one of Steven’s hands brought his attention away from the radio and to me, his eyes were tearing up and he was breathing far too erratically, I could see his chest spasming. It hurt to see him like this even though I could feel tears just behind my eyes as well.

I took a deep breath to calm myself and hopefully calm him as well, “Steven, watch me. Do what I do.” I took a deep breath for five seconds, held it for seven seconds, released it for ten, and repeated. It took Steven a bit to catch on, his eyes kept darting to the radio and the speakers around him, but I kept reminding him to keep his eyes on me, and block out the radio.

I could have turned it off, but that would have distracted Steven and just sent him further into his panic. A part of me just thought if we learned to push it out of our minds when we could hear it, we’d be better off than just sitting in silence.

It was hard with the chanting, but having a reason to appear calm made it easier to pretend like it was easy. Steven seemed to buy that the chanting didn’t bother me anymore, and was able to breathe with me and stop his tears. After a while, I didn’t need to hold Steven’s hand anymore, he didn’t need to watch my breathing. He numbly turned in his seat, and sunk back into it.

I sighed in relief, I was still freaked out by all of the shit happening on the radio, but I felt better since we had managed calmed down.

“Hear the words, perceive their worth, speak their truth,” the chant kept going. You’d think the people’s voices would get tired after going for so long, didn’t sound like it.

I sighed, “I’m turning this shit off.”

Steven mumbled in response still focusing on staying calm, “Be my fucking guest.”

I hit the power button without hesitation.

And there was silence.

After the silence continued for a while, I ran my hands over my face. I didn’t even notice I’d been left sweating from all that.

I looked over at Steven, “A…are you alright? Stupid question, I know but…”

He just shook his head tiredly, closing his eyes and covering his face. “That was…so uncool…so fucked. Like…” he put his hands down into his lap, “That was without a doubt, the most fucked up thing I have ever gone through Morgan.”

I nodded in agreement, “Ditto.”

I didn’t even know what to do, and I doubted Steven did either. He needed to focus on calming down, though his breathing had slowed to a normal pace, he was too shaken to drive and I didn’t know how to drive. And despite everything that had just happened, the silence was hardly comforting.

There were no crickets, cicadas, there wasn’t anything besides the low humming of the car and our own breathing. It was a quiet that was suffocating.

Desperate to fill the silence and figure out what to do next I started searching for my phone that I’d thrown earlier. “I’ll uh, see if I can get a signal. Maybe someone can tow us to a gas station or something… Just to…be near people y’know? Maybe someone else there will be as freaked out as us,” I suggested with a pathetic attempt at a laugh.

Steven gave a weak smile that disappeared as soon as it had appeared, and nodded without a word.

After some blind searching I bent down to reach under my seat, and grabbed my phone.

“Are you afraid?”

I came up from my hunched over position to look at Steven, “Uh, well I…” I stopped as I took in his expression.

Steven looked horrified and his shaking had come back full force, his wide eyes were glued on the radio. What had happened?

“Steven, did you hear something? What’s wrong?” I asked reaching for his shoulder.

“You’re afraid.”

My heart seized in my chest and began beating far too loudly in my ears as my body broke into a cold sweat.

There was a voice coming from the radio.

I turned my head over slowly, and saw the display that usually showed the station number, just said “Hi”. I had…I had turned it off, and yet…

“Steven and Morgan, how are you doing this evening?”

“No no nono no!” Steven whimpered before I could even register what had just been said, “How? How the fuck! Who the fuck are you!” Tears were coming to his eyes again as he clung at the back of his head.

The voice on the radio was new, different from all the stations we’d changed through, and in fact sounded much too young to be someone that worked anywhere, let alone a radio station. A little girl, was speaking through the radio, and she somehow knew our goddamn names.

I shook my head dismissing every other thought besides finding out the answers to the questions that had been gnawing away at me, “I…I turned this fucking thing off! How are you…? How are you even speaking through this!” I checked the status of the power button just to be sure, the radio was definitely off.

There was silence before a strange sound broke through the speakers of the car, it took me a bit to realize the girl was giggling. “Please, a stranger talking to you through a powered-off car radio? Not the strangest thing that’s happened to you tonight. All that chanting, scary stuff.”

“This is scary stuff too you little shit!” Steven burst out. I placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him. It was already prevalent in my mind, but I somehow already knew that all of this couldn’t be the work of any little girl. Her voice was too calm, and carried much intelligence with it. I just didn’t like the idea of insulting her recklessly.

“Why are you doing this? Who are you? And…and how are you connecting to our radio?” I tried keeping my voice level but I could feel myself trembling.

“I need a mouthpiece. Angel. And this is the only way I can speak to you. Let’s leave it at that.”

I shook my head, not because I wasn’t retaining what she was trying to say, but because everything she said sounded like the ramblings of a psychopath. “A-uhm…a mouthpiece? You mean us?”

“Yes.”

“If radios are the only thing you can…talk through, just use that! Why do you need to-to fucking terrify a couple of college kids and make them think they’re going crazy, when you can just use fucking radios?!” I argued my voice cracking in stress and anger.

“It was fun.”

I stared at the display still displaying the word “Hi” and blinked hard in disbelief, “Fun? Us being scared out of our wits was fun for you?”

“Immensely. I admire your ability to take control of difficult situations Morgan, not many have your tact.”

“You’re fucking insane!” Steven spat out, “A-and you can only speak through radios? Then wh-what the fuck was that with the radio hosts, a-and their crew! You controlled them! Made them say shit!”

I looked over to him, he was panicking less, but getting more angry. He had someone to actually answer his questions, maybe that gave him some semblance of comfort.

There was silence for a moment, and then the girl spoke again. “I did no such thing,” but the voice that came from the radio had changed. Altered and distorted. “I just listened to them, and copied,” Steven’s voice clearly resounded through the car radio.

Steven’s panic was back, and I was starting to feel the urge to get out of the car and run. She continued on, Steven’s voice shifting and distorting back to the thing’s original voice.

“I speak through radios, and just like a radio’s frequency, I can be altered. But my power only stretches so far. I have no ability to touch…computers. More specifically, I cannot touch the internet how you two can. That is why I need a mouthpiece.”

I shook my head, this was crazy, “And…and if we say no?”

“I will embrace you,” the sound of the doors around us locking was startling and final.

Steven and I glanced at each other before checking our doors and trying to unlock them with no success. It was like the locks were bolted in place. Steven unbuckled his seatbelt to slide into the backseat and try the back doors while I too, unbuckled and instead, started kicking at the window on the driver’s side of the car.

“Now now, before you two try getting out. Maybe you should check to see where you’re safer?”

That gave me pause and I almost ignored the voice before remembering, if this girl, thing wasn’t lying, it wanted us alive to be its mouthpiece. So maybe, it’d be best to take a look around the car.

I didn’t need to look very far or very hard, to find what made the voice say what it did. “Steven…Steven stop!” I yelled back at him as he had also started kicking the windows. And when he leaned forward to see what was there, I pointed down the road.

Right over the dip in the road ahead, stood something. The headlights of the car just barely reached its legs but illuminated just enough of the thing to make me feel all at once, much safer in the car.

Glinting in the headlights, thin metal legs, seemingly made out of wire stood supporting the body of a humanoid monster. A white dress, tattered and worn covered the thing’s torso, and perhaps its arms too, but it was impossible to tell. The arms made out of the same material as the legs, hung by its sides, and the long hands reached near the ground. Upon closer inspection, what I thought at first to be wire, may have actually been…needles. The thing’s body was made out of fucking needles, I could see it clearly. They connected impossibly to one another, twisting around each other to form the thing’s limbs. Two red, perfectly circular lights seemingly floated in the darkness above its body, they glowed dimly.

A girl, made of needles, watched us like cowering animals in a trap.

I brought my legs up to my mouth and tried not to cry, just hoping it would stay where it was and not come any closer. “I…i-is that…you?”

“Yes. Would you like me to embrace you?” the voice wasn’t teasing or threatening. It asked like it was expecting us to say yes, then I thought if this was only the hundredth time this thing had attacked someone like this. If someone in our position had been so scared they just wanted it over with, and actually said yes.

I shook my head, “N-no…no! I-I just-!” A sob ripped its way out of my throat, “Pl-please let us go!” I blinked and heard myself scream as I saw that the monster on the road was closer than before, like in the short second my eyes weren’t on it, it had teleported a few feet forwards.

Whimpering I backed up to try and sit in the backseat, Steven put his hand on my shoulder to help me. Once I was huddled in the back with him, I tried not to cry lest I need to blink, allowing this demon on the road ahead of us to come any closer.

“Pl-please, A-Angel right? You want us to be mouthpieces for you right? We can do that! Th-there’s no need for this!” Steven shouted into the tense air of the car.

I watched as the thing on the road, tilted its head in a jittering clockwork-like movement, and teleported closer. I screamed and backed into Steven more, he held my hand and I could feel him shaking. There wasn’t any trick to keep it from coming closer, even if we somehow escaped the car in time, it would just hunt us down.

Now the monster was completely bathing in the headlights of the car, I could see its face. Pitch black and completely featureless, completely contour-less, flat with the red lights just embedded into what must have passed as the thing’s skin. And what framed the face, was pure white hair. Chopped short in the back, and two long lengths of hair that hung down on both sides, it even had bangs, not that they covered its “eyes” in any way.

“I need a mouthpiece,” the thing’s voice chimed like a reminder through the car.

“A” she had said, “a mouthpiece”. I looked to Steven, my fear was gone, but it was replaced with horror.

“It…it only wants one of us,” I felt myself talking and Steven looked at me in confusion. His face turned shocked and horrified.

“She…she can’t mean…” he muttered before looking back to the monster standing in the road. The monster trying to make us throw one another to the wolf that it was.

It was only twenty feet away now, every time Angel would need to remind us of what it wanted, five feet between us and it would disappear as it came closer.

Steven looked at me, “You have to do it. Morgan please, you…you just have to!”

I just shook my head, this was bullshit, I knew I was being childish, thinking there was any way we’d both be getting out of this alive. But there was no way I could do that to Steven!

He gave a frustrated sigh and took me by the shoulders, “Morgan listen to me, I could never live with myself if you died here and–”

“You think I could?” I screamed, “You’re my best friend you idiot!”

With a quick glance, we both noted that the monster was barely ten feet away from us, its long needle fingers twitching erratically as it stood.

“I need a mouthpiece.”

At that moment, I couldn’t take it anymore, Steven was willing to die for me, but I wasn’t willing to let him.

“Steven will be your mouthpiece! He’ll do it! I-I’m a dunce when it comes to the internet! E-embrace me!”

A window shattered, and all at once, I regretted everything I’d just said. Even if I hadn’t said a word, it would have likely turned out the same way.

Steven, in a desperate attempt to throw off my self sacrifice, turned and with two kicks,  finished kicking out the window. It shattered, and he dragged himself out. I grabbed at his hand to stop him, but he just pulled away.

It was the last I saw of him, his back running out into the darkness, and being impaled through his stomach by Angel as it appeared in front of him. The five long needle fingers poked through him like tissue paper, and closed before pulling back, ripping out everything in its grasp. I heard a choked and pained scream, only I’m not sure which one of us it came from.

Steven’s body fell, I screamed in despair. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. My eyes were glued to his twitching form on the ground before Angel stepped on top of it, her needle feet making more gashes on his back and head. My gaze traveled upwards to meet its eyes, round red solid orbs that pierced my soul and made me fall silent.

A crackling noise resonated through the car, “Looks like you win…lose? Either way, you’re alive. He was quite the brave fool.” The red orbs slimmed at an angle, as if it was smiling. “This will be a wonderful story.”

I shuddered and blinked away my tears, and Angel was gone.

The cold night air blew on my face, drying my tears as more fell, Steven’s body no longer twitched, dark blood leaked out from under him, staining his yellow shirt. I could see him, all of him with his insides strewn around his torso. My vision swam.

I felt my body move like lead towards the open window, towards Steven, but my arms didn’t carry me very far. They gave out and I felt the wind get knocked out of me as my torso hit the seat, I wasn’t breathing evenly, I was still sobbing and scared. It felt like something vaguely reminiscent of two hands were pressing down on me, forcing what air I had inside, out.

All I could see before I passed out was the back of the driver’s seat in front of me becoming blurry and dark.

The next days became a blur of high emotions and questions, none of which I knew how to deal with. I was sat in a hospital bed for three days, not to take care of my physical injuries, which were no worse than a few scrapes from broken glass, but to assess my mental state.

Everyone was convinced I had emotional trauma and truly couldn’t remember what had happened on the road that night, apparently I never could get past the arcade without suddenly being unable to speak. I’d start crying as I just stared off into space until someone snapped me out of it, which would throw me into an all too unpleasant panic attack. People learned to stop trying that, and would instead wait for me to eventually notice they were still there.

It was the strangest thing though, I always remembered telling them everything. I guess I wanted to tell them, but my body wouldn’t cooperate, and it was on the very day I was about to be released from the hospital, that I figured out why.

The police had once again tried to get what they could out of me without upsetting me. My dad had finally had enough, nearly chasing them from my room calling them vultures and the like. In my mind, I had been in the middle of telling my story as best I could. I was recalling the very moment I had seen Angel, its red solid orbs of light that stared into Steven and I, its needle-like limbs capable of piercing flesh and bone, the pitch black skin of its face and pure white of its hair. As I watched the police get rushed out, it became apparent that I had stopped speaking quite a while ago.

I blinked away the tears that I hadn’t noticed welling in my eyes and gave a frustrated and pitiful groan. When the door to my hospital door opened, I turned to ask whoever had entered for some water.

Then I stopped.

I found myself looking at a little girl dressed in black, she had to be no older than twelve. She stared at me with a blank gaze that made me feel like shifting to sit up so I could place more space between us. I forced a polite smile on my face, “Hey. What are you doing here sweetheart?”

The girl blinked a few times and looked around the room curiously, I figured her parents must’ve given her some freedom with her hair, considering the long blades of black hair framing her face didn’t match the cropped hair nearer to the back of her head. It looked nice on her.

But still, something about her made my skin crawl. I forced the feeling down, “My name is Morgan, what’s your name?”

The girl began making her way over to the foot of my bed which gave me a better look at her appearance. She reminded me of some international students that had gone to my high school once, she was definitely Asian, but I wouldn’t try and place any specific nationality on her. Though unlike any of the classmates I’d had, her eyes that just peered from behind her bangs were a startling sky blue. She mumbled something indecipherable, her voice was soft and low so I had to strain my ears to hear her.

I shook my head a bit, “Sorry sweetie, I didn’t hear you.”

“Angel.”

It took a moment, only one moment for my mind to register three things.

The fact that a familiar voice was speaking, and not from the girl’s mouth, no. Her mouth hadn’t even moved to speak.

The familiar and foreboding voice had come from behind me, out of the bedside phone speaker.

The girl had just called herself Angel.

This girl, wasn’t actually a girl, it was the fucking demon from the road. I wanted to scream, but all I could do was stare at the human-shaped demon in front of me and fight off the rising bile. Flashes of Steven’s intestines strewn about outside of his body ran through my mind as those sky blue eyes pierced my very mind. I swallowed, hoping to make my throat feel less like sandpaper to no avail.

“What do you want?” I found myself asking, half hoping that it was there to kill me.

The demon moved just a step closer and laid a hand over one of my covered legs, I flinched violently but it didn’t seem to care. Crackling came from the bedside phone once again, “You’ll get to work soon.”

I felt my eyes well with tears and weakly shook my head, “Just end this…please.”

It tilted its head, a confused expression forming on its face. “Embrace you?”

I hesitated before my body moved of its own accord and gave a tired nod, I just wanted this to be over. “Please,” I whispered looking for any sign of mercy in the unsettling sky blue eyes across from me.

The confusion melted and was replaced with something dark, “I will embrace them.” Its body nodded towards a picture frame by my bed, with me and my family smiling on a beach. I felt my stomach knot in fear.

“No. No, no don’t!” I shouted reaching for its hand.

My father burst into the room with concern etched on his face, “Morgan?”

I just stared at him, wide eyed and crying before looking to the foot of my bed. Angel was gone. There was no evidence of the demon ever having set foot in the room, yet where its hand had grabbed my leg felt uncomfortably warm like the weight was still there.

I breathed in shakily before looking to my father, knowing what needed to be done. I gave a weak smile, “I had a nightmare. I’ll feel better when I get home, and get to work.”

The warmth on my leg faded, and with that warmth, something else was taken.

I knew then, that Angel and I, had come to an understanding. My father was confused and assured me that it would be fine if I took time to relax and take care of myself, I just sat there, unresponsive.

I haven’t seen Angel since, and I know that’s a good thing. My family is still worried about me, and I’m sure they’re going to keep worrying. After all I haven’t spoken a word since the hospital room, and not because I don’t want to. They try to speak to me and all I can do is stare at them. I’m sure they think it’s trauma, again. Perhaps it would be best if they continue to believe that.

But I understand now. Angel is like a parasite, yet it needed my permission to use me, invade my mind, tell me what to write. Its hold on me is strong, heavy and overbearing, keeping me rooted here, keeping me isolated, keeping me mute with no other way to talk besides using the words you’re reading now. That’s why it robbed me of my ability to talk about Steven until now, and then even my voice.

I can hear it sometimes when I cry into my pillow at night, “A trapped mind will simply prance when given freedom.” It’s like letting it use me, let it into my head too.

Just be aware, this is not a survival guide, a warning, anything of the sort. If you meet Angel, you’re either dead, or you’re like me. That’s what it wants. More people hearing its voice, more people writing about it. I can’t escape, I won’t ever be able to as long as I love my family. And now that you’ve read my story, Angel has reached out. My words, acting as its fucking conduits to reach you on the other side of the screen. Hopefully you didn’t think about it too hard, hopefully my story didn’t strike a chord with you, hopefully you kept your mind walled off and distant. But this is out of my hands now, I just have to keep on living, waiting for it to tell me what story I’ll write next.

A thought just occurred to me.

I might be writing with you soon. Hope not.

- Morgan

[doyouwanteggyeggs]

Day 23: High Fidelity

Sunday was good. I’ve made it a habit to wake up everyday, brush my hair and get into my workout clothes so I can be pumped and ready to do a workout when I have a spare hour. It gives me a sense of gratitude to look in the mirror and appreciate my body for what it is. It keeps me motivated to stay healthy and it gives me a bit of purpose for the day.

“What are you doing on Wednesday?” ,”I guess I’m seeing you”, he said as we said goodbye. My housemate said she was going to come back home today and stay on for the rest of the year. I was disappointed. I was just getting used to the house to myself. I didn’t let the idea take over my day and so I drove to my parents and spent the next few hours clearing out the garage. I came across a box that I had tucked away under my bed when I lived with them that I suddenly found again in the pile of other boxes. They were gifts from my wedding five years ago and lots of cards wishing us the best and congratulating us. After reading one, I had no hesitation to throw out the rest without even reminiscing. It gave me a bit of perspective at the time. How words were so temporary and so uncertain. What people wrote to others to share their happiness with them at that moment. Words that were not true anymore or didn't hold any value anymore. I wonder if James had thrown away the cards I wrote to him. For Christmas when I first realised I had intimate feelings for him or during his birthday when I was settling into the idea of loving him. It doesn’t matter. They were just words. They probably are just words to him now. 

I also found a love letter from my ex-husband when he had first sent me a gift, in the midst of all the cleaning. “Dearest, No one has loved you more than I have and no one will as much as I do and will want to. I have a lifetime to prove that and that’s all I will continue to do. I cannot wait so spend the rest of my life with you. Sincerely and with all my love, F”. I showed it to my mum. We both sighed. “He was a good guy”. “I know, he was always so sincere and honest”. We hadn’t even met each other yet by that point and were only 3 months into our “relationship” where we had only spent hours chatting and calling each other. But he was so sure then.

See? Words have no real meaning. Even though he ended things with me eventually, I know he did it with a broken heart and loved me for months following that. I’m glad he did. I realise now what I realised even then, it takes a lot for me to love someone sincerely. And for good reason. Look at what six months of loving James did to me?

And that’s when I watched high fidelity- the series. I literally cried through every episode. It was like someone had written a story about my life. It starts with a scene where Rob says to her partner who is now leaving her, asking him to stay one more night. Just like I did. She then asked him to remember that when things got bad, they would reflect on this one situation from when they first met and remind themselves to not ever be in that situation again. It’s what Mac said back to Rob that had me first bawling. “I remember, I just can't remember what that felt like”. 

I would watch this mini series all over again to feel what Rob felt as she lost who she thought was the love of her life. Her top 5 heartbreaks as she remembered it. I loved that they never revealed why they broke up. Almost as if there was no real reason to explain how you went from lovers to strangers. She tries to reconnect with him after a year and did the exact same thing I did. Get emotional and ask him why it went wrong. It didn’t end well just like it didn’t when I reached out to James.

Mum walked into my room to ask me how I felt. Asked me to place my trust in Him and she said that she’s got this intuition. An intuition about something great happening to me soon and that she feels it so strongly. I smiled at her and slowly dozed off to the playlist from high fidelity. 

I think I want to buy a record player!