#I did internships and campus work in my field??

[funeralgreys]

The urge to post a suicide threat on linkedin

[penvisions]

garnish {chapter 7}

Pairing: Chef! Joel Miller x Bartender! Reader

Summary: Reeling from a tense encounter with your professor, your emotions get the best of you. Self-destruction always makes for a good show to coworkers who don't have the whole picture.

Word Count: 4.9k

Warnings: violence, language, threatening behavior, misogynistic behavior, sexist language, threatening ultimatum, abuse of power, academic stress, academic anxiety, degrading talk from male characters, self-destructive behavior, home invasion, attempted break in, description of injuries, blood, injuries in the kitchen, dangers of sharp knives, intense emotions, readers internal monologue gets apathetic, reader has depressive and isolating thoughts, talk of injuries, self-depreciation, secret relationship, work relationship, power dynamics (due to job rankings), sexual content, allusions to sexual content, allusions to past feelings of inadequacy, reader gets in her head about life path, reader is having a tough time ngl, invasion of personal space, restaurant lingo, triggers associated with the food industry, smoking, cigarettes, use of tobacco, childhood trauma, reader reveals parentage issues, abandonment issues, past trauma, major angst

A/N: been struggling with this chapter for real, y'all. but the remainder of this fic is outlines and i'm beyond excited to get down to the nitty gritty with it. hope this feeds you well and happy holidays ♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist || kofi

“Yes, my brother. He’s been keeping a low profile lately, trying to avoid suspicion that could land him in the hands of the authorities. He’s explained to me that you’re under the impression that he came onto you too strongly for your comfort and decided to submit a police report against him with the help of your boss.”

Surprise colored your features, not expecting this to be the reason why you weren’t being considered for something that would further your academic career, help you to establish yourself in your field of study.

“He put his hands on me in two different situations. He didn’t back off when I verbally told him I wasn’t interested. Then he proceeded to put his hands on me, attacked me outside of my place of work.”

“That’s what he said you would play it off as, but seeing the way that you interact with the gruff boss of yours, playing hard is what seems to be your prerogative.”

“If you want the internship, you need to drop the report. Tell them it was a lover’s spat or something, I’m not really too concerned with how you spin it. But drop it, or I will deny your application and tell my colleagues that while you’re a gifted student, you stir up trouble.”

You watched your phone ring for the umpteenth time. The name of the restaurant popping up, Millie’s name, Joel’s name, Mary’s name. A text from each of them in quick succession.

But you were numb, still seated in the chair across from the desk in the classroom. The sun had set already, the warm lights of the lampposts scattered around the campus the only source. The door still resolutely closed after your professor had left after delivering his two choices for you.

Scrambling as if waking up from a dream, you rushed through the campus and made your way to work.

“Use your safety words!” You shouted, disguising the rising of your voice at the sharp sting of the knife blade slicing through your skin in the heated words. You watched as the slice from the knife turned white before the cells caught up and blood began to bead, spilling from it quickly. The cutting board became stained, and blood made a sticky webbed pattern of splatter on the blade.

“I said behind, it’s not my fault you didn’t hear me!” The new guy had the audacity to raise his voice back at you. His face contorting into something ugly as he dropped the façade of keeping his cool.

“I would’ve heard you if you did say it!” You snarled as you whipped around, the towel normally kept tucked at your hip wrapped tight around your hand. Blood blossomed through the fabric almost immediately. You brandished it at the man. “This wouldn’t have happened if you had proper etiquette!” 

“Don’t blame me for not knowing what the hell you’re doing!”

You took a step toward him, good hand about to fly out and grip the front of his shirt. But you were stopped by the sound of the office door opening. Joel Miller filled out the doorway completely, his broad shoulders nearly brushing each side and it would be so easy a reach for him to touch the top of it. He glared around the kitchen, eyes hardening when they landed on the sight of you clutching a towel to a bleeding hand.

You had snuck in the day before, after the stressful interaction with your professor. The restaurant had been too busy to steal away any time with him and you were gone before he had been able to step outside of the kitchen. Overwhelmed and on autopilot for most of the night as the words of your professor echoed in your mind. You had texted him a perfunctory message, saying you had a migraine and would see him the next day and then proceeded to call Nia and vent to her over two bottles of wine that had been too sweet for your empty stomach.

You had snuck in today too, knowing he had to make an order before service started. This was your first time seeing him directly in nearly three days.

“What’s with all the hollerin’?” His eyes were hard, the brown of them dark as he took in the scene, the emotion and tension in the air. The sight of you worked up and a snarl pulling up one corner of your lips.

Before you could even open your mouth, the new guy was speaking in a mocking tone.

“Little miss bartender herself, chef.”

“I wouldn’t have if you had used your fucking safety words.” The words were low, vicious as your patience wore thin. You didn’t need this, especially not today. It had been hard enough to get into the headspace for work, let alone show up, and now you’re injured because some asshole thought he didn’t need to let people know where he was at as he moved around the kitchen space.

The already silent kitchen seemed to grow even more quiet at the harsh words that had fallen from your mouth. Taken aback by the breaking of your normally cool and collected demeanor, in face of the attack all those weeks ago, this was the only instance where you showed your raw emotions. Joel had taken a few steps from the doorway and began to make his way toward your station. His feet stilled when you spoke, the way you did so giving him pause. The manner in which the words had fallen from you stoked real worry deep in his chest. You never raised your voice, let alone spit words out in such a heated way.

Save for that one time you ripped him a new one about his inappropriate behavior when you had first started helping out in his kitchen. You were always polite and professional, cordial and jovial with those you were on closer terms with. This….this was foreign and it had warning bells going off in his head immediately. He hadn’t even seen you slink into the kitchen, the last concrete contact he had with you about maybe being late for work.

He was about to say something, to break up the confrontation when the new guy decided to dig his heels in and make an even bigger mess out of the situation. Joel noticed the way you didn’t step back as the younger man’s features morphed into a cocky grin and he took a step closer to you, getting into your personal space.

“You knew I was behind you, sweetie, you always have an eye on me and push that nice ass out toward me. Don’t play dumb. I know you like what you see. Too bad I don’t waste my time on pathetic, easy girls like you.”

The silence in the kitchen was deafening, the tension thick as everyone stopped what they were working on and watched you two stare each other down. It was no secret he hadn’t made any friends in the three weeks he had been here, too full of himself for people to want to talk to him. From the glares being aimed at him now, the feelings of ire flowing from everyone else in the kitchen. Joel felt the nerve in his jaw jump as he accessed the scene alongside everyone. He wanted to step in, but he felt frozen on the spot, his emotions a whirlwind inside of him and his anger making his mind blank out.

“Fuck this.”

His words stung, as much as you wish they didn’t. The entire week taking its toll on you and culminating  into an overwhelming tidal wave that finally crested and made an impact. You felt angry, hot tears prick at your eyes. You hated that they were visible in the fluorescent lights of the kitchen and that everyone could see the shine of them as you felt your face heat up. That Joel could see them when you frantically glanced around the room, trying to keep them at bay.

A smug grin on the man’s face was the last thing you saw before you turned on your heel and walked out the back door. You let it slam behind you as you walked past the dumpsters and the recycling bins lined up along the back of the building and some of fence that lined the back lot for employee parking.

Digging the keys out from underneath your apron, you unhooked them from your belt loop and unlocked your car. You didn’t look back when you heard the door open, just hopped into the driver’s seat and drove off from the restaurant.

The waiting room was crowded with screaming children and crying babies. An assault on your already overwhelmed senses. At the sight of blood dripping down the length of your arm, a nurse at the front desk hopped up from her chair and tended to you before taking your information and telling you to wait for a room to get stitches. That it would be wait, they were busy. You nodded, taking your injured hand and pride and settled into a vinyl chair with silent tears trailing down your cheeks.

Alone.

Always alone.

Fighting for the smallest things, always fighting, always trying, always pushing yourself.

Seemingly for no reason.

Everyone had someone, waiting with them, waiting for them. But your apartment was empty, your friends at work. No text sent out to let them know what had happened because it would be hours before anyone saw it. Evening, before you would inevitably return to wallow in the confines of your own apartment to nurse your bruised ego and aching heart.

I think I need some space, I’m sorry.

The woosh of the message sending was lost in the sounds of the waiting room. A couple close by, whispering to each other. Looked like the guy had broken his arm, holding it tight to his body. The girl fussing over him in a way you wish someone would pay attention to you. Joel was…he was great. When not at work, when in your own little bubble of connection and creation together. But he was an absent texter, would call and leave messages on your phone during class times, but they were mostly silence followed by a huff before the dial tone.

You weren’t sure what that was about. He had far more going on in his life. A restaurant to run, family in town, family out of town, an old business he kept up with, friends he would see on a semi-regular basis.

But you?

Alone. No family nearby or in general. Nothing but school that seemed to have been a giant mistake to continue. A job field you hadn’t wanted to return to. A man who could only seem to give you half of himself when not at work. Different personal spaces and paces of life, shared moments that always came to an end far too soon only to be swept under the rug when clocked in.

And it hurt, dammit.

He didn’t respond. And you hadn’t expected him to. It was service hours, after all.

It hurt, even as your heart pleaded at you to give him a call and ask him to come sit with you.

You called the manager as you turned into your apartment complex parking lot. The gate squeaking as it closed behind your truck. The hospital had seen you in three hours, the tirage taking a while despite actively bleeding. But you had shiny new stitches that stretched from the top of your left index finger knuckle to the middle of your palm in a painful way, twelve all in all.

You explained to her that you didn’t want to file any complaints or for workers comp but would need the week off to get stitches and let the injury heal a bit before you handled anything confidently. She agreed to pay you for the missed shifts, not taking it out of your PTO as they hadn’t had any issues with your attendance in the year you had worked there. You thanked her and apologized for any inconvenience once again.

You ignored the sound of a car pulling up along the curb outside the gate, used to random people parking around to get to the concert hall a few blocks away or a visitor for one of the other many apartment buildings lining both sides of the street.

“Just…expect to be taken off of prep. Chef doesn’t take lightly to people who bail, you know that.”

“Heard, see ya in a week.”

You were just out of the shower, having tried to keep your injury out of the spray of the hot water. You had asked them not to wrap it up as you got discharged, telling them you were going to shower the second you got home. They sent home the appropriate dressings and instructions on how to keep it all clean and avoid infection.  You were comfy in a large T-shirt with some hiking graphics on the back of it and a pair of boy shorts, just stepping into your slippers when there was a knock on your door.

You sauntered over to it, tired from the day and a little loopy from the cortisone shot they had given you at the hospital. When you pulled the door open you were greeted by the large figure of Joel. The crown of curls around his head lit up from a light post further down by the curb.

“Wh-why are you here?” You let your shock show in the slight parting of your lips, the heavy exhale at the image of the man you were yearning for displayed right in front of you. As if you had summoned him with thoughts alone.

“You got hurt,” He shuffled on his feet, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck as he looked at the visible stitches on your left hand. His other one held a large paper bag, but you were more focused on the nervous energy he was exhibiting. As if he was worried he wasn’t supposed to be here, knew he wasn’t supposed to be here and hadn’t been able to keep away. You had been holding it close to your chest, not wanting to accidently knock it on anything as you walked around. “Wanted to check on ya.”

“I told you I needed some space.” You moved to begin swinging the door shut but his free hand shot out and stopped the motion easily, thick fingers and wide palm spanning the wood.

“I came to check on you.” He said with a little more force, reminiscent of him being in the kitchen as calling for hands or for dishes right that fucking second. When you didn’t move or say anything he cleared his throat and talked on, softer now. “Brought you some food. Your stomach is prolly turning from havin’ nothing in it when they gave you the shots needed for stitches. I know you might not be hungry or able to eat but it’ll be there for you when you want it.”

“How-“ You found yourself stepping back as he advanced into the doorway and then a few paces into the apartment. The front door opened up directly into the living room, the kitchen just beyond it, separated by a breakfast bar and the small doors that kept the washer and dryer hidden. He set a hefty paper bag on the couch underneath the window beside the door. The scent of greasy Chinese food made your stomach gurgle to life and your mouth water.

“Used to be a contractor, seen my fair share of bad injuries. There was a lot of blood left on the cutting board, just figured.” He looked around over the top of your head and took in the colorful but controlled palette of your belongings before his gaze landed back on you. Reading something in the space you couldn’t quite figure out. “Didn’t get a text from you, but if you really want me to, I’ll leave right this second.”

Your eyes softened, seeing how earnest he was. All you could do was shake your head, heart thudding in your chest at the realization that your text hadn’t been sent. A silent thank you to shitty hospital cell service.

The sound of the door shutting and locking behind him was the beginning of a quiet evening curled up on the couch with him and whispered words of comfort against your temple as his moustache tickled against your skin.

The shattering of glass was loud, jolting you from your sleeping position curled up in front of Joel, his arms around you and his legs tangled with your own. He was up on his feet in seconds, telling you to stay in the bedroom while he cautiously peered into the small living room. He shuffled on his feet as Sweet Pea came hurling into the room, puffed up as big as she could get, eyes blown out. She jumped atop the bed and you watched Joel’s back disappear in what little light from the street lamps filtered in through your sheer curtains and thick blinds.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Joel was hollering, the bat you had set aside just outside the bedroom door all those weeks ago still there. He grabbed a hold of it and you could hear him swinging, making contact with something metallic. The crack of the wood was loud, making you jump to your feet and you scrambled to get your phone from where it was buried in the sheets.

There was a yelp, followed by the crunching of glass and harsh breathing. The operator was calmly trying to get your attention, hearing the commotion from the other side of the line as you had put it on speaker. The sounds of heavy thuds on the metal stairs outside rattled the walls and your dizzy head. Joel seemed to have followed them, a second set of steps sounding right behind the first.

“Ma’am, are you safe? What’s going on?”

“B-break in, someone broke into my apartment.”

“Is the person still there?”

The line was silent as she waited for an answer, the heavy footsteps of someone coming back up toward the apartment startled you. Hands flailing to catch Sweet Pea as she jumped into your arms. The phone clattered to the hardwood floor.

“Ma’am? Are you still there? Are you okay?”

“My-my boyfriend is-“ You bent down to pick it up, cuddling the small creature close to your chest as she shook in your arms. Joel walked back into the room then, blood smeared on the bat and sporting a gash to his cheek. “He scared them off.”

“Ma’am, I’m sending a police car, what’s your address?”

Joel took over the situation as they arrived, meeting them down at the gate. He walked them through the event, told them the car he had seen the guy rush to and then sped off in. The glimpses of dirty blonde hair underneath a cap, the sound of his voice reminiscent of the one he had protected you from at a bar all that time ago. Of the open investigations you both had over the encounter at his restaurant.

They seemed to take all the crumbs and piece them together, saying it was most likely a stalking situation and you had dropped the mug of tea you had just made at the word. It had been advised that a car were to patrol the street on a more regular basis, but ultimately that you should stay with someone for a while, until things calmed down and your window was repaired.

Hours later, as the sky began to lighten from the deep blue of nightfall to the pastel oranges of early morning, you and Joel found yourself tucked back into bed and curled up with each other. Shielding each other from the rest of the world.

“You gonna tell me what happened at your meeting?” Joel’s voice was careful as he regarded you across the cab of his own truck. He was driving toward his house just outside the downtown area. A suburb that hadn’t felt the effects of gentrification that had so many others had fallen into. It was quant and cozy, neighbors friendly with each other after living there for so long. A good home for his daughters as he raised one and then adopted the other in their teens, sharing the safe place he had crafted for one daughter with another who had never known such a thing. A kind and caring man, now offering to take care of you in the wake of your personal space feeling tainted.

Sweet pea was in your lap, curled up in your crossed legs, preventing Joel from being able to rest a hand atop your thigh while he drove, both hands firmly on the steering wheel. He had been stealing glances your way since you both loaded up, along with three packed bags. Two for you and one for the small cat, with the promise to get her a little box after dropping her off.

Your demeanor shifted from relaxed and boneless in his passenger seat to rigid, shoulders pulling taught as you sat as straight as you could, lower back aching with the pressure after having sat for so long in cheap, hard waiting room chairs the night before. The hot sensation of embarrassment and shame bubbled up your chest to your throat, preventing words even if you had them.

You shook your head, focused on the world passing by in a blur outside the window.

He seemed to realize it was the wrong moment, to have asked such a thing from you because one of his hands was reaching over and tangling with your own.

“That’s okay, whenever you’re ready, yeah?” He chewed on his bottom lip, coming to a stop at a red light. “Or even not at all, okay, if you don’t want. Whatever you need, baby, I’m gonna try my best, alright?”

You nodded, not able to meet his earnest stare, you both startled when a horn honked behind his truck, urging him to drive through the now green light.

“I’m here for you, you gotta know that. Even if you don’t ask me.” He spoke as he turned into a quiet neighborhood, just outside the bustle of the city. A suburb that reminded you of the one you grew up in, the one you hadn’t been back home to in a decade. Wasn’t welcome back to in wake of family drama and endless fighting.

“Did you know my dad got remarried when I was young?”

“No, darlin’, I didn’t.” He said softly, unaware of why this was what you decided to tell him. But he listened all the same, as he parked in a clear drive and helped you down out of the passenger side of the truck. Making sure that Sweet Pea was cuddled tight to you and safely ushered through the doorway into his home.

“She didn’t like me, the woman my dad had been dating. Said…said I was so smart it was blinding. That I’d never find a man who would want to be with me because I always intimidated people. Too independent, too heavy to attract anyone, too much of all the wrong things.”

You stood in the threshold of the living room, watching as your small cat explored the new space. With a cautious curiosity, as if worried about hidden threats behind every corner. Chirping as she went, looking back at you every few minutes to make sure you hadn’t abandoned her.

“I don’t know who this woman is, but she’s wrong, darlin’. She had no business telling you those things at such a young age.”

“If only she could see me now,” You scoffed as your stitches throbbed underneath thick bandages, pain dulled but breaking through the medicine you needed to take once again. “Got a stalker who won’t leave me alone and a professor who deals in ultimatums.”

The bags he still held dropped to the floor and he was suddenly in front of you, his hands on your shoulders as he gave you all of his attention.

Your eyes met his and the words came tumbling out in a rush.

“I was so stupid to think that she was just spewing bullshit, because she’s right. Smart mouth getting me in trouble, getting me into situations where I’m sleeping with my goddamn boss, barely scraping by for a degree that doesn’t mean anything now. He’s-he’s going to tell the entire board that I’m trouble and they’re both right. I always mess everything up, it’s why I’m alone. Can’t disappoint people who aren’t in your life, right?”

You chuckled wetly, face hot and hands shaking as Joel carefully took them in his own.

“Hey,” Joel’s voice was firm, his eyes focused as he brought you to his chest and held you. “Don’t go saying any of that alright. She’s not right. She don’t know you, what you made of yourself. It doesn’t matter what she thinks, what matters is how you feel.”

“I feel like she’s right, she got my dad to believe her. Haven’t spoken to him since I moved out at eighteen. But not from their house, I had been dumped with my grandparents because she wanted kids of her own and it was either space for me or space for them.

A-and it feels like all the hard work I spent years focusing on is all up to a man who has all the power. The ability to spin this entire situation to his needs and wants, to protect those in his care. Everyone has someone looking out for them, helping them, guiding them. But…but, I don’t…I don’t have anyone…”

Your breathing was slow and deep. Controlled as you calmly spiraled, mania from the past few days winding down into a resolute conclusion of bitter acceptance for the things that have happened and taking the blame for them because there was nowhere else to place it.

“You have me,” Your name was a plea on his lips and all you could do was cling to him as he pulled you into his chest. It was easy to fall into him, but you pulled away just as quickly as you had reached out. For his warmth and reassurance, his kind words that you didn’t deserve. “You have me, okay?”

“You-you’re my boss. And he was right, told me I’m just a messy girl who likes to play hard to get. That’s why he’s going to tell the entire board that I’m unfit for the internship, that I’m trouble to have in class, a risk that shouldn’t be considered. A waste of potential crumbling because I’m too self-righteous and tried to stand up for myself in that bar.”

“Look. No, you look at me and hear me okay.” He grasped your shoulders again and pivoted you from where you had begun to turn your attention away from him, feeling utterly hollowed out and bared for him to see all the ugliness you hid inside the beneath your skin and bones. All laid out for him to pick through like a predator to find the best parts and take take take what he wanted. But it was all rotten, it was all tainted, turned. Bad.

“I will file the appropriate paperwork in both our files, have Mary look it over and sign as a witness, stating that we are in a consensual relationship. That there were no contingencies of promised payment, position, or promotion regarding the development of it. I swear to you, baby, I will do it. To show you that it’s important to me, that you’re important to me. That this isn’t just some fling.”

“I was so close,” Your voice broke, hoarse and tapered off into a sound that didn’t sit right in your ears. It was startling how foreign it sounded. As if the woman speaking was someone else and not yourself, feeling small and childish and helpless as you watched your bags get taken from a car and placed around you by a woman smiling brightly and a man who wouldn’t look directly at you. Spoken words of, ‘this is for the best’.

“I was so close.” The woman repeated, and you felt your knees give as the weight of her words hit you and your vision faded out.

This is for the best.

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dividers by the lovely @/saradika / saradika-graphics

[subliminalbo]

Dirty Work: As Deep as You Can Go

Fuck this is bad, oh god, shit, fuck.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Hot girl walks into an interview with the head of the Department of Psychology and immediately gets hypnotized. Total Romero cliche, I know. Fuck. This sucks.

What am I even doing here? I'm not qualified for a public relations internship! I should have known this was a setup. I should have run the second I saw I was interviewing with Dr. Fielding instead of some cat mom lady in administration. Is this job even in public relations? I hate it here.

"Can you hear me, Andrea?"

"Yes, Dr. Fielding."

Oooh fuck this feels weird. Was that my voice? How did she make me say that? How is she doing this?

Alright, calm down. Let's piece it together. Fuck. It literally just happened. Why can't I remember?

Okay. The interview was going fine, I remember that. I nailed it, even. Huge win after the CVS debacle. The interview was going fine and then...then what? Dr. Fielding says,

"This feels like a good fit, Andrea. But I do have one more line of questions for you."

And I say...what did I say?

"Hit me, doc."

"For these questions, Andrea, I need you to go deeper."

Ohhhh fuuck! That was it, wasn't it? Some kind of trigger. It didn't take me immediately, but it did something. My shoulders straightened and I started listening. I turned off my smart ass charm and just let her inside my goddamn head.

How did she say it next?

"Just focus on me now, Andrea. Breathe. Breathe and listen."

And I repeated it like her fucking parrot. I couldn't stop focusing. I couldn't stop listening.

"Breathe and listen."

"I want you to think of the deepest place you've ever been to, Andrea. That place you go to when you need to shut out the rest of the world. I want you to think about that place, and then I want you to go even deeper."

"Deeper."

How did the trigger even work on me? Must have been something she planted. Must have been working me the entire interview. Could have been anything. That way she spoke, that way she tapped on her keyboard, that way she kept repeating my name.

It's all so suspect now. It couldn't have just been one thing. It was everything.

All about this. All about getting me here. Trapped down here as deep as my mind goes. Leaving me open, mindless, obedient

"Compliant, pliable, agreeable. Can you be all of that for me, Andrea?"

"Yes...

Dr. Fielding.

"Now I want you to come back to me, Andrea. I want you to climb out of that place so deep, deeper than you've ever gone, deeper than you knew even existed. But first I want you to find every part of you that still resists this, every part of you that doubts the power that I hold over you. I want to find that part of yourself, Andrea, and I want you to leave it down there, forever. So deep down there that you'll never find it again."

Doesn't feel so bad...down here forever...down here so deep where I never have to worry, or question, or think. Never have to think ever again. Never. Forever.

The world seemed to blink with Andrea's eyes. One moment she was answering Dr. Fielding's questions, and the next she was standing, shaking the professor's hand. She didn't know why she was smiling. She didn't know what had just happened. She asked the first, stupid question that came to her mind.

"So...I got the job?"

"Yes," Dr. Fielding smiled back. She stepped around the desk, placing her hand on Andrea's back, and she began to walk her toward the door. "Of course it's only part time. You'll work on a contingent basis. As needed."

"How often is that?" Andrea blinked again. She felt like she had a hangover.

"Oh, it's hard to say. Campus incidents seem to be more frequent these days, hence the need for your position. Of course Dean Pierce and I are relying on your discretion while you're employed with his office. Everything you do will be strictly confidential. I'm assuming you're comfortable with payment under the table."

"Sure," Andrea said slowly, still catching up to the conversation. She wanted the extra cash, but it was hard to imagine there wasn't some communications major who was more qualified for the job.

As Andrea stepped through the door into the hallway, Dr. Fielding snatched her by the wrist. Andrea yelped in surprise. Her skin was soft, but her touch was numbing like a snake bite. Why did she suddenly feel like putty in this woman's hands?

"Andrea," Dr. Fielding called out.

"Yes, Dr. Fielding," Andrea said without a thought.

"The money is only a perk. Never forget the real reason you're here."

There was no hesitation this time.

"I have no choice," Andrea's words came out slow, deliberate, a truth from the absolute bottom. As low as she could go. "I am a loyal student of Carpenter State University. I proudly serve Dean Pierce. I must protect the legacy of this great institution."

I must obey.

[mysteriousquantumphysics]

Studying in China Remotely from Germany - Some Experiences

As I have mentioned in a previous entry, the past winter term I studied at Tsinghua University in Beijing. Unfortunately, I could not enter the country due to the Covid restrictions that have been still present when the semester started - nevertheless, I thought it might be valuable to share some experiences.

Studying Remotely

What had been a frustrating experience is that the exchange semester - which I had started organizing in summer 2021 - could not take place in person. The exchange semester started in September 22 and the information that exchange students cannot enter China was sent by the end of June 22. Thus, it was only roughly two months before the semester started until I knew for sure that I will not study on Tsinghua Campus. This had been unfortunate, because I was thinking about cancelling the exchange but it was too short to organize something else in Germany, as for instance an internship. I could have expected that it will not work anyway but somehow I kept some naive optimism until I knew for sure. Hence, after some considerations (Tsinghua expected a response already about one week after they sent the notice) I decided to do the exchange semester nevertheless. Even though this meant not having access to most of the experiences that make an exchange semester worthwhile and spending another semester mostly at home - even though there are nearly no Covid restrictions in Germany anymore. Back then, I was at least happy that I could avoid the risk of ending up in a harsh Chinese lockdown - the opposite happened: China gave up most of its Covid regulations. I’m happy and I hope that future exchange students will be more lucky than me in this respect.

Choice of Lectures

Since the lectures made up nearly everything of my exchange experience, it was also a little frustrating to see in the beginnning that the offered lectures in English are very limited at Tsinghua University - also regarding the point that one got access to the lecture lists only roughly a week before the semester started. In particular, nearly all useful lectures of the Physics Department were held in Chinese, which was unfortunate because I was enrolled as a student of this department and there were regulations that one was only allowed to do a very limited amount of credits outside the own department. Nevertheless, I tried to do the best out of it and attended at least one lecture (the only one which was in English and somehow useful for me) of the physics department about topological materials from an experimentalist’s standpoint. I already attended a theory course about this topic at TUM but at least I got a new perspective on some issues in this field.

Eventually, I also found interesting courses in the realm of computer science: one about theoretical informatics (automata theory) and machine learning. The latter was the most useful course in the whole semester because it covered a lot of different machine learning techniques, some of its mathematical background but it mostly focused on its application. The course offered a lot of programming exercises as well as a larger programming project which did not only help me to think through a more complex task but also gave me the opportunity to work together with Chinese students. In particular because I want to focus on numerical physics in my future and machine learning techniques become more and more prominent in physics, this computer science related lecture was very useful.

Last but not least, I also attended a course about Wittgenstein’s Tractatus, a lecture completely beyond my scientist-horizon. But it was a nice experience because it required a different kind of thinking than I am used to, even though analytical philosophy also covers aspects of philosophy of mathematics and science. I guess it is smart to learn a subject outside the bubble of quantitative science as well because it gives you some new perspectives which you usually easily ignore but shouldn’t.

Time Shift and Learning Mandarin

One further important point about studying remotely is the time shift of course. Between Munich and Beijing it is 6 or 7 hours difference (depending on the daylight saving time in Germany). Fortunately, most of the lectures were recorded anyway such that one could avoid living in another time zone. What one could not avoid was writing (midterm/final) exams in the middle of the night, what was definitely demanding.

Regarding learning Mandarin: I started learning Chinese one year before the exchange semester started, but to be honest I doubt it would have been enough for basic communcation in the supermarket. Even though Chinese has rather easy grammar, learning to understand the tones and the ambiguities in this language is the true challenge. However, it would have been truly useful to have more Mandarin skills: The online portals of the university are in Chinese of course and often I experienced that I could not access everything with the English counterparts. Another important point is that not all lecturers take English as instruction language so seriously: In one lecture many exercise materials had been in Chinese (and the topic was too technical to translate with baidu) such that exchange students had a clear disadvantage - but I want to emphasize that this depends on the lecturer - most of my lectures had been organized perfectly in English.

Conclusion and Hints

All in all, I hope I was able to make the best out of this exchange semester. I have mostly chosen lectures which were beyond my known horizon but nevertheless not useless in my discipline. Nevertheless, I could have attended lectures at my home universities which would have been much more favorable from an academic perspective. However, I think it was also nice to be forced to study outside the own discipline and to learn subjects I would have never decided to learn at TUM and LMU. Nonetheless, I still find it surprising that an elite university as Tsinghua offers most of its lectures in Chinese - in particular TUM and LMU are contrasting starkly regarding this, because here all lectures (at least at the physics departments) are held in English at the Masters level. 

Hence, I think this online exchange semester was a worthwhile experience despite all these issues. Finally, I am also happy that it is over and that I will start my Masters thesis soon here in Germany. I’m glad to have the chance to dive completely into (numerical) physics and related research questions! 

Finally, some hints if you’re planning to do an exchange semester in China (from my limited perspective as I haven’t been there in person)

When planning the exchange also develop a plan B: For me it would have made things so much easier if I had planned something in parallel (e.g. an internship in Germany) because then my decision of doing the exchange semester or not would not have been based on the lack of good alternatives.

Be patient: The administration (at least as I experienced it at Tsinghua) is rather slow and it happened that I never received answers to my e-mails. 

Be open-minded: As I explained in detail, lectures are mostly held in Chinese and one has to be flexible with the course choice in English. If you stick to the idea of remaining in your own discipline, an exchange semester will be a frustrating experience.

[tsukimefuku]

CHAPTER TWO: MISTAKE OF FACT ❀ HIGURUMA SENSEI SERIES

masterlist link | mdni!

❀ mistake of fact.

the concept “mistake of fact” describes a situation in which someone acts unaware of circumstances that could turn their actions into criminal acts. this can affect the assessment of their intent or culpability, reducing their penalty or even excluding the criminal nature of said act.

wc: 7.2K | ❀ pairing for the series: professor!higuruma x student!reader

❀ summary.

classes, law Firm meetings, and a little grit about it all. after taking and not doing so well on your first criminal law class assessment test, you decide to get hammered at the campus party. you just didn’t expect to accidentally bump into the professor of said class there.

❀ tags and c/w.

non-curse au. college au. silly slow-burn rom-com between professor and college student (this is purely a work of fiction, okay guys?). smoking and drinking. corporate trauma. itafushi is also a slow-burn. higuruma hates doing cardio (mood). nanami needed a subplot and kusakabe had to be in it, the voices told me so. exams suck. campus parties are a special kind of hell. the return of the ugly red scarf.

❀ notes etc.

as i said previously, some characters will have their subplots, hope you enjoy reading them too (they all tie into the main plot). yes I’m working through some issues regarding the lawyering world while writing this fic, how did you notice?

also, some love for the betas: @redlikerozez and @dottedsilktie thank you two so much 💛

You had a habit, a very ugly one. Ironically, the habit you used to unwind was currently driving you insane as you tapped around your pockets, failing to find the lighter for the cigarette you held in your mouth for the past two minutes. You stroked your bangs back in annoyance and grunted, a strand of hair poking up like a spike.

“Fucking hell,” you muttered to yourself the moment the bells went off, letting you know it was time for yet another Criminal Law class. At least this time you managed to wake up somewhat early and were already by the building.

Good job, me.

“Oh, hey!” you heard the light-hearted voice chirp from a distance. Darting your eyes towards it, there came the fluffy ball of pink hair and upbeat mood frolicking in your direction.

“Hey, Itadori! Do you by any chance have a lighter?”

He shrugged, “no, I’m sorry.”

Of course he didn’t. As the best track field runner you had ever met, you wondered if Itadori even knew what a cigarette was.

“You should stop smoking,” a broodier voice said. You noticed the spiky black hair student who was also approaching.

“Ah, get off my case, Fushiguro,” you retorted, putting your cigarette away, “which class are you guys here for?”

“Criminal law! And you?” Itadori replied.

“Oh, me too. I didn’t see you guys in his class last week, though.”

“We saw you!” Yuuji answered, completely oblivious that this was definitely something which would render you uncomfortable. You blushed, and after a few seconds, Fushiguro elbowed him. “Ouch, why did you do that?”

 Fushiguro sighed loudly at his friend’s cluelessness, and you sheepishly giggled.

“Yeah… I guess everybody saw me.”

The three of you were sharing an uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Itadori spoke again.

“So… Why isn’t Kugisaki enrolled?”

 You shrugged, “she wanted to have other classes during this year to fast track her internship opportunities, I guess. I kind of did the same thing.”

“Is that allowed?” Yuuji inquired.

 “Yeah, it is, as long as you take some other 101 classes before doing it,” you answered, while you three began walking into the building.

 “I did that too, I want to pursue an internship in the public defense office as soon as possible,” Megumi interjected.

 “Oh, nice! Me too,” you answered him, “but I’d totally take a position in a private law firm if given the chance.”

Fushiguro made a face you couldn’t quite identify, and didn’t answer anything in return.

The conversation about an internship in criminal defense died down as the three of you entered the elevator together, and while you were walking towards the classroom, Yuuji and Megumi began bantering.

More specifically, Itadori seemed keen on making small-talk about amenities, meanwhile Fushiguro simply did not take the hint and was shooting down every conversation topic his friend tried to bring up. You felt for Yuuji, noticing he was clearly eager to engage Megumi in a conversation, but the guy wouldn’t budge. At that point, you entertained Itadori for the remainder of the quick walk down the corridor.

Perhaps, you thought to yourself, Megumi was the clueless one.

Entering the classroom, you saw Professor Higuruma already seated by his desk fidgeting around with his glasses. This time, there was no suit jacket in sight, and he wore a white buttoned up shirt with a black tie, all under a suit vest.

You weren’t too proud to realize that you noticed the way his vest hugged his torso just right.

To top it off, after he was finished fidgeting with his glasses, Higuruma opened the cuffs of his white shirt, rolled up the sleeves up to his elbows, and slightly loosened his tie with two fingers hooked around it.

The way his arm muscles popped while he was sliding his fingers side to side around the fabric of the tie had every thought in your head poofing away instantly, and you looked away before your staring became too obvious.

The other students were coming in quickly. You made your way towards three miraculously empty seats in the front and sat on one end, while the boys took their places right beside you.

Higuruma noticed you and nodded softly as you met his eyes. You weren’t sure if he’d remember your face, but given the circumstances, it’d probably be hard not to. You greeted him back, smiling, and gestured around your regular-not-pajamas blouse, to which he replied by discreetly gesturing down his clean, not-coffee stained white buttoned up shirt.

Cute.

This time you thought that maybe sitting in the front would keep you safe from the Professor’s experiments. You had already tested your luck sitting in the back and it surely backfired — no pun intended.

After the students were settled, Higuruma got himself up and walked towards the white board, writing self-defense on it. He then turned on his heels, shoved his hands in his pockets and asked, “can anybody tell me what self-defense is?”

From your row, only Megumi raised his hand, but Higuruma’s eyes landed on Yuuji.

“You. What’s your name?” the Professor inquired, pointing at Itadori.

You heard him gulping by your side at that very same moment.

“Itadori Yuuji.”

“Then, Itadori, tell me what you think self-defense is.”

“I mean… self-defense is protecting yourself from someone trying to hurt you.”

Higuruma nodded, “you��re on the right track, but that’s not the entire answer. There is still something missing. Criminal Law occupies itself with criminal activities, so why do we need to study acts taken under self-defense? What else can you tell me about self-defense?”

Yuuji didn’t come up with something else to say, so Higuruma lifted the whiteboard marker in front of him.

“Itadori, I’ll throw this at you now.”

You and Megumi were instantly shocked, and Itadori began stuttering.

“W-wha-”

Higuruma actually threw the marker towards Yuuji’s chest, but Yuuji quickly grabbed it, glancing incredulously at the Professor.

“Now, that wasn’t self-defense in the way that it interests Criminal Law,” Higuruma noted, resuming the class as if nothing had happened.

Truth was, you could try sitting in the back, in the front, or anywhere in between,  but when it came to Higuruma Hiromi’s class, apparently, there was no safe place to hide.

“It wasn’t?!” Itadori exclaimed.

“No. Self-defense, you see, is used to exclude the illegal quality of an action that would otherwise be considered a crime, like assault and battery, for example.”

Higuruma stepped into Yuuji’s direction, and excused himself as he picked the marker back in his hand, leaving the three of you dumbfounded as to how he could nonchalantly do these absurd things and think it was just alright.

The professor began writing on the white board and the classroom was filled with scribbling and typing sounds.

“Self-defense is when someone uses force, against another person, to protect themselves from harm or imminent danger offered by this other person’s criminal actions. In that sense, you didn’t use force against me, you solely protected yourself, hence, that’s not actually self-defense as the concept that matters to us in this classroom.”

Well, the example was crystal clear, indeed. Once again, he illustrated what he wanted to say brilliantly.

But holy shit, did he really have to do those crazy things every damn time?

“Before we proceed, I have some leisure homework for you all. I’d like everybody to watch the first three episodes of this TV series for us to discuss during our next lecture the evolution from legitimate self-defense to extrapolating it and finally committing a crime.”

He wrote the name for the show on the white board.

A shy hand lifted on the other end of the class, and a girl with blue hair and crooked bangs spoke after Higuruma pointed at her.

“Professor, won’t you ask us to watch one of those old movies other teachers usually do in introductory classes?”

“Most definitely not,” he answered — not without scoffing first, “this is Criminal Law, here things are interesting. If you’d like to sleep, go to Professor Nanami’s class, Commercial Law I.”

A tiny chuckle echoed from the back.

“Someone gets it,” he concluded before proceeding with the lecture.

The class went on without a hiccup with Yuuji quickly forgetting the marker debacle a few minutes in. After Higuruma was finished talking about the day’s topic, though, he remembered everyone about next week's assessment test, receiving mumbled complaints in return.

“Yeah, I know. I hate these things too, but unfortunately we have orders from above. Be sure to study everything up until the end of the self-defense module,” Higuruma said as he sank into his desk’s chair and fished his phone out of his pocket, “I wish you all best of luck.”

As the class was done, everyone began leaving.

 “So, where are you going now?” Yuuji asked as you were currently fumbling around in your bag looking for your lighter — perhaps it wasn’t in your pockets after all, right?

 “I… if you two are tight on time just go without me, I’m looking for something in here and it might take some time,” you answered, thinking that some physics law might’ve been broken. Your bag seemed larger from the inside than from outside, and your lighter had surely disintegrated into thin air.

 “It’s fine, we can wait,” Fushiguro answered.

Yuuji suddenly seemed to remember something and came at you sort of hyped, asking “will you be at the campus party by the end of next week?!”

 “Sure, sure,” you answered absentmindedly, still fondling your things around and considering flipping it all on the ground.

 “There will be a party next week on campus?” Higuruma asked with his eyes still glued to his phone’s screen.

Fushiguro elbowed Yuuji again, as it was kind of a secret from faculty members, just so none of them would butt in — there were the clueless ones, like Professor Gojo, for instance, that would always find their way into the free drinks and free food celebrations that were supposedly just for students.

 “Y-Yes… it will be pretty late, though.”

Higuruma hummed, completely unfazed, “when I was a student here, we’d usually have those after 11PM to avoid faculty members, it’s a good idea. My suggestion is that you all just keep the noise down and use the space behind the brown brick building, there’s a blind spot there from the rest of the campus.”

Yuuji and Megumi shared a look before nodding hesitantly. Higuruma noticed they were both somewhat worried and sighed.

 “Don’t worry, I’m not telling the other Professors, and you can all be completely sure I won’t be there.”

The bated breath the two students shared finally subsided.

“God fucking damnit where is this fucking lighter?” you mumbled to yourself.

That caught Higuruma’s attention, and he called your name.

Your hand stammered inside your bag and you looked at him.

 “Do you need a lighter?” he asked you, lifting his eyes from his phone towards your direction.

You had the impression his eye bags were smaller that day.

 “Yes, I lost mine.”

He reached into one of his pockets and pulled a small, yellow, disposable lighter, stretching his arm in your direction, “you can take this one, I have tons of these.”

You got up, threw your bag over your shoulder, and went to pick it up from his hands. As your fingers wrapped around the lighter, you accidentally locked eyes with him, now sure his eye bags were definitely smaller. Higuruma spared you a small smile and you immediately felt your cheeks warm as you took the tiny yellow lighter from his fingers and stepped back.

I’m pathetic.

 “So, we’re good to go?” Fushiguro asked, looking at you.

“We’re good to go,” you answered him, then looking at Higuruma, “thank you, Professor.”

 “It’s no trouble, Sanrio” he answered, redirecting his attention back to his phone, completely unaware he had just called you that out loud.

After a few seconds, realizing what he'd just done, Higuruma sheepishly lifted his eyes, seeing two confused boys and you looking away with your hand over your mouth, coughing softly. You bore the same weirdly twisted face you made days before, when he asked you to leave in the mock expulsion.

Truth was you wanted to laugh, equal parts amused and mortified.

“Sanrio? What?” Yuuji asked.

“My next class is Civil Law II! What about you, Fushiguro? We should go!” you blurted out, ignoring Yuuji’s question while stepping away, “bye, Professor. See you next class!”

 “You three have a good day,” Higuruma muttered, sinking further into his chair as he looked away to conceal his own embarrassment.

The boys, still at a loss, followed you outside, also bidding Higuruma a good day.

***

This is hell. I’m a smoker and this is my personal, dantesque circle of hell for that sin.

With one leg launching in front of the other at a steady pace, Higuruma was jogging down the street while accompanied solely by the rhythmic thuds of his feet on the pavement. He had already put at least a mile behind him.

His blood felt like battery acid pumping through his veins, and lungs and muscles were burning with the strain of an exercise he was doing for the third time this week thanks to the encouragement of his best friend.

This time, however, there was no distraction from the discomfort while Higuruma dragged himself completely alone on this morning run. His usual jogging partner, Nanami, told him just ten minutes before the scheduled time that he would not be able to make it.

 “Did something happen?” Higuruma asked on the phone, “It’s unlike you to cancel appointments with such short notice.”

Truthfully, Nanami was someone extremely considerate of other people’s time.

 “Nothing too serious. I’ll have to be in a meeting with a Labor Law associate. It involves one of the companies we represent here at the firm,” he replied with an involuntary sigh. Nanami did not enjoy being taken by surprise like this.

 “A meeting for one of those Union settlements?”

 “Yes.”

 “Yeesh, good luck with that. Don’t be too harsh on the workers, though.”

 “I’ll just be there to oversee the meeting and report the outcome to our client, I have no say in the matter.”

 “Really? Couldn’t the Labor Law associate do that, then?”

 “It’s Kusakabe. He doesn’t do anything he’s not specifically paid to do.”

 “Oh, right.” 

Higuruma paused for a moment. He was already at their usual meeting point, all propped up and ready to go, but didn’t quite feel like subjecting himself to that torture alone.

 “You should just do your run today, I’ll join you back after tomorrow,” Nanami told him, as if reading his mind.

 “I don’t know. Having company makes this slightly more bearable.”

 “Is that so?” Nanami barely concealed the hint of amusement in his voice.

 “Tsk, shut up.” Higuruma retorted.

 Nanami huffed, nearly a chuckle, and proceeded, “this routine seems to have affected you positively, you shouldn’t miss a day for such a pedestrian reason.”

It was true. As a consolation prize for this suffering, the Professor had managed to sleep better those past few days and his mood had improved too.

Prior to his breakdown, Higuruma had never given much thought about his overall health. After he came back to normal life — or as normal as it could be —, he tried to eat properly and exercise at the gym most days of the week. 

“I guess,” Higuruma finally conceded, defeated, loathing cardio with every fiber of his being.

 “Then, off you go.”

“Okay. I’ll run and suffer alone today after being ditched,” Higuruma stated, half in jest.

 “Don’t be so dramatic, Hiromi,” Nanami remarked, “you can do it just fine.”

Just fine… I’m not sure if “fine” is the word I’d choose for this self-imposed torture.

Taking one of the final turns, Higuruma passed by a storefront. On it, there was a big illustration of Hello Kitty that covered most of the space. He hadn’t noticed that store before, but seeing the cartoonish cat with its pink bow brought an amused smile to his face as he remembered the student that, for some random reason, decided to attend his class using a kitty’s pajamas — you.

That moment got him to reminisce on the occasions that he, himself, was also too tired or too out of it to properly change before going to class, leading to some similar debacles during his undergrad years.

Ever since that day, the Professor had nicknamed you Sanrio in his head, a silly inside joke with himself. 

As he reached the end of the usual route, Higuruma paused and hunched over, inhaling deeply through his mouth, oxygen failing to properly enter his cells — or at least it felt like it. 

I wonder if I can take a taxi to go back home...

Involuntarily hearing Nanami’s voice in his head chastising him for wanting to take the easy shortcut, Higuruma grunted and took a deep breath before jogging his way back.

***

Nanami churned on his coffee’s last sip as if that alone would be enough to realign his chakras and soothe his growing headache. 

It wasn’t.

Nanami rarely saw himself pulled into other people’s work, but he detested each and every time it happened. As someone that usually planned his day thoroughly, with every minute properly accounted for, these types of unforeseen events would, most times, end up causing a domino effect over everything he had arranged in his schedule.

This time, however, he wasn’t sure if his distaste for the situation stemmed solely from the fact that his agenda got fondled around.

Something else about it was bothering him, even if he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

The contrast on the meeting table was clear — on the company’s side, he sat with Kusakabe, at least three mid-level associates, two juniors and one random intern. Behind them, the firm’s logo hung high on the wall, casting its brushed steel sheen over the expensive mahogany table. 

On the other side, though, sat an Union representative with one single lawyer beside him. Since the firm had rescheduled this meeting on short notice four times, demanding it took place in one of their offices — which was everything but close to where the union-office was located —, the Union only had enough money to pay for the expenses of sending the minimum amount of people required to legally sign a settlement.

Nanami slowly realized, as the negotiations went on, what was bothering him so much.

This wasn’t a negotiation meeting.

It was a power play consisting of intimidation techniques. Clearly an attempt at wearing the Union down and pushing them into accepting any settlement to end the strike as soon as possible.

It all said we can take you on — if you don’t accept our offer and take this to Court, we have the money, the people and the ways to win this fight.

“These are our terms, as we had already discussed, printed and ready for you to sign,” Kusakabe remarked, as he pushed a pile of papers towards the two.

The Union representative seemed ready to crumble under a put-upon expression, his black hair parted in the middle and thick framed glasses not doing nearly enough to conceal it. He knew exactly what was going on, how this had happened, and also that this strike couldn’t go on for much longer without causing serious issues in the lives of all the workers. 

The company was successful in their attempt of making it look like they tried to settle the dispute, and it had been long enough that people would start falling like dominos in the firing list.

The blond woman beside him seemed ready to toss her attorney’s license in the nearest dumpster and go do something else with her life.

The Union representative took the pen in his hand and sighed.

 “Are you positive you want to do this, Ijichi?” the lawyer asked, looking at him with a tinge of concern in between her brows.

 “We don’t have another choice, Nitta,” he replied, signing those papers away so quickly it felt like his hands were about to get burned in the fiery pits of hell. 

She exhaled sharply while leaning back on her chair.

“I’m glad we got to settle this amicably. We expect you all back on the grounds by Monday,” Kusakabe concluded as he pulled the pile of papers back to him and lifted himself up on the chair.

Everyone got up, but when Kusakabe extended his hand towards Nitta, she and Ijichi just turned around, stepping towards the exit.

Nanami’s slight discomfort had grown into an actual stone weighing in his gut, and he didn’t quite think about what he ended up doing next.

He walked behind Nitta and Ijichi, and called them by their names — something that surprised them both, given they didn’t expect him and most of the people inside that meeting room to be paying any attention at all. 

“So, you did listen to that meeting and weren't there just to add numbers?” Nitta asked begrudgingly.

 “I did,” Nanami answered.

 “What do you want?” Ijichi inquired, itching to get himself out of that building as quickly as possible. He felt dirty, to say the least, and needed a minimum of three full baths to feel like himself again.

 “To give you both my business card.”

Both of them looked incredulous.

 “I don’t mean any harm nor am I trying to get something out of a terrible situation. I just... That was...” 

He really didn’t think this through.

 “What I mean to say is that if there is anything you both need, this is my contact info.”

Nanami pulled the slim piece of cardstock and offered it. Ijichi and Nitta shared a hesitant look right before she took it from his hands. With a bow, both of them left, still feeling a little dumbfounded.

 “Are you trying to get yourself in trouble? You’ve made it to Partner in the firm, leave it alone,” a slightly muffled voice echoed behind Nanami. It was Kusakabe, who had just shoved a lollipop in his mouth and had his hands inside his pockets.

 “That didn’t bother you at all?” Nanami inquired, gesturing towards the now emptying meeting room.

 “I’m not paid to get bothered. I come, I do my job, and I go home.”

 “Still,” Nanami remarked, “it was...”

 “I know,” Kusakabe answered him. He took a few moments before sighing, leaning himself against a wall, and repeated in a lower tone, “I know.”

For the briefest moment, Kusakabe’s expression resembled a slight grimace.

 “You don’t seem completely unbothered, even if you’re not getting paid to care,” Nanami stated.

Kusakabe looked at Nanami and said nothing as they made their way back into their respective offices.

***

Higuruma also had a bad habit.

Due to his terrible memory regarding people’s names, he gave everyone a nickname in his mind. Beyond calling you Sanrio, his nicknames for the pink haired fluffy guy and the brooding dude always by his side were, respectively, Clueless and Porcupine. 

At that moment, he watched as Sanrio, Clueless and Porcupine sat beside one another while taking their first assessment test for the Criminal Law class.

You were so laser focused on the test, eyes darting from one end to the other of the paper frantically, hand periodically brushing your bangs back in desperation, that he feared you might actually end up accidentally activating a laser beam and burning the thing. Clueless was… well, clueless. He looked like someone who had never been properly alphabetized in his entire life. And finally, Porcupine didn’t seem bothered in the slightest, calmly reading and selecting each answer with the ease and certainty of someone that knew what he was doing.

He was sort of amused to realize Sanrio’s bangs had a small lock of hair poking out.

Higuruma glanced his eyes over the class, and made the sad realization he’d have dozens upon dozens of tests to grade and submit to the Dean the following morning.

What a nightmare, I’ll be here forever grading these after hours.

He had completely forgotten, earlier that day, that he’d have to deal with assessment test shenanigans. The information popped back into his mind five minutes before he arrived at the Uni, and Higuruma got a little desperate, remembering he needed to pick up the pile of tests inside the brown brick building’s print center before darting his way to class.

At least, he was more accustomed to running by then.

After parking near the building, Higuruma ran against the clock, and made it by the skin of his teeth. The Professor was completely relieved, failing to realize that his memory had fucked him over more than once that day.

You, on the other hand, weren’t fending off much better.

What do I do, there is more than one answer to this, it fucking depends, goddammit, you cursed inside your mind while answering most of the questions in that assessment test.

I need a cigarette.

You were particularly bad at taking multiple choice tests, especially in subjective areas — which was definitely the case for Criminal Law.

You had this little curse of wanting to select two different answers in nearly every question and always choosing the wrong one.

At least I can drink this failure away at the party today. 

“Ten more minutes!” Higuruma’s voice echoed through the classroom, and you must’ve looked particularly more hectic than before, because you felt his eyes on you, and when looking up, noticed he seemed a little concerned.

Very charmingly concerned in that disheveled suit and slightly messy hair.

Ah, shut up, brain.

After the ten minutes flew by, a cacophony of pens being put down or clicked around could be heard. People got up, and one by one, the students put their tests over Higuruma’s desk. He dangled over his chair lazily, bidding his students a good morning with a mumble.

You were the last one left, and stared at your test like it was a nuke falling right into your future criminal defense attorney career. Sad wasn’t the best word for it — you felt disheartened.

Sighing defeatedly, you lifted yourself from your chair like your clothing was made of lead and walked towards Higuruma’s desk, handing him the paper. His eyes lifted towards you while he took the test from your hands. 

“What did you think of the test?” Higuruma inquired, organizing all the papers into a neat pile.

You huffed.

“Sanrio is worried about this test,” you replied, smiling while poking a little fun at him.

His eyes widened a little, and for a second, Higuruma looked embarrassed. 

“About that, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to...” he began.

“Oh! It’s...”

Completely okay. Kinda sweet. Something I might’ve actually liked. 

“Fine. I didn’t mind. It’s not always, but sometimes I nickname people in my head too.”

He offered you a discreet awkward nod, “okay, then.” 

Noticing you might’ve made him unnecessarily uncomfortable, you decided to lighten up the air.

“So... No random experiment for torturing your minions today? I mean, the students.” 

Higuruma chuckled softly.

“Ah, no. I figured this test was enough torture for one day,” he answered, spirited, “I’m not that ruthless.”

Remembering the Yuuji marker debacle, you thought about something for a moment before you resumed speaking.

“You know,” you began, “perhaps you should ask for students to volunteer before doing your… things.”

“I used to, actually,” he promptly answered.

“You did?” your voice sounded surprised.

Higuruma nodded, “Yes, but students rarely volunteered.”

That sounded a little off.

“Quick question, Professor. Did this scarcity of volunteers happen before or after the first volunteer demonstration?” you inquired.

“After. Why do you ask?” He asked while putting the tests into his briefcase.

Oh my God, he’s so clueless.

“No reason. Just curious.”

***

“Hey, people! I brought us beers!” Yuuji exclaimed, light spirited, as he walked towards you, Megumi, Nobara and Maki all seated on the grass behind the brick building. He quickly descended to sit beside the group.

“You are the best, but I’m not mixing today,” you thanked, greeting him with a cup full of pure vodka, “this should do the trick for tonight. Also, it’s pretty fucking cold for beer.” 

“Is that why you’re wearing that thing?” Nobara inquired while pointing at your ugly red scarf around your neck. 

“Get off my case, Nobara,” you retorted, gulping on your drink with some unidentifiable desperation.

“Shit, was the test that bad?” Maki asked you as she took a single can from Yuuji’s arms, while mindlessly pulling Nobara closer and kissing her head.

“It was weird, I was so confused, it felt like every question had at least two answers,” you complained, stretching your body over the grass. 

“You probably did fine, you tend to be overly dramatic about these things,” Nobara stated while pulling another can from Yuuji, smacking on his shoulder with a fist. He whined in complaint, and she chuckled like a tiny ginger demon. 

“I agree with Kugisaki, you’re smart!” Yuuji chirped in, while scrambling his way to sit beside Megumi, “I had no idea what I was doing. If you thought about at least two answers to each question, you’re already better than me.”

This poor, poor kid, you thought.

“There’s more to exams than just being smart, you need to know how to do them, and I do not, unfortunately…” you answered, a tinge of disappointment to your expression.

“This is solely an assessment test, anyway. It doesn’t compute in our final grades, there is no need to be so upset about it,” Megumi interjected, shushing himself when you glared at him. 

He was terrible at comforting people. 

“So, Fushiguro, I didn’t quite know what you’d like to drink, so I brought three types of beer,” Itadori mumbled, extending three different cans of beer towards Megumi like a raven with trinket offerings for his favorite human.

Not exactly smooth, but definitely cute.

Nobara and Maki shared a look, both of them with cheeky smiles on their faces. You covered your mouth to conceal your own smile — you were far from being as saucy as the power couple by your side — and waited with a bated breath for Megumi to pick up on the hint from Yuuji.

It was about time, considering it had been months of Yuuji trying to make a move. 

“No, thank you, I won’t drink today,” Fushiguro cluelessly replied, and Itadori visibly deflated from that. 

“T-then… I can grab a soda for you, or…” Itadori clumsily interjected, while scratching the back of his neck. 

“There’s no need, I will go-” 

Perhaps it was the vodka, the dreadful day or how much Megumi had just cock-blocked your shipping dreams, but you blurted out your next few words. 

“For fucks sake, Fushiguro, if you don’t take a beer can from Itadori right now, I will body slam you into oblivion.” 

“… We’re on the ground. How would that even-” 

“Bitch, don’t test me.”

Fushiguro was somewhat taken aback by your interjection, but hesitantly extended his hand and picked one of the three beers Itadori had selected for him, prying it open with a wheezing click. Megumi looked at you, then the beer can, then at Itadori, suspiciously taking a tiny sip. 

“It is… good,” he muttered, as a smile slowly returned to Yuuji’s Kirby persona. 

“Now, thank him,” you complemented, pointing at Yuuji, “he did find three types of beer in this God-forsaken campus party only for you, after all. I’d never have bothered to do so, and I bet Maki and Nobara feel the same.”

The power couple raised their drinks in agreement towards you, and Fushiguro sighed. 

“Thank you, Itadori.” 

Yuuji happily nodded, “you’re welcome! Do you want something to eat? I could-”

“Baby steps, buddy… baby steps,” you interrupted, putting your hand over Yuuji’s shoulder. He nodded sheepishly while Megumi was at a loss.

“O-okay,” Itadori acquiesced.

Suddenly, you all heard a voice calling Megumi’s name from a distance, sounding like some kind of haunting, and began looking around as he buried his face in his hands.

“Who is that?” you asked.

“Megumi! Where’s the food!?” the voice inquired in a light hearted tone. In the distance, you saw a fluffy, white ball of hair approaching under sunglasses. At night.

Megumi groaned from the depths of his soul.

“Argh, for fucks sake,” he complained, well aware as to who was coming.

Trying to dodge the faculty members didn’t do much to keep his adoptive father away, apparently.

Not so far from there, Higuruma sat in a poorly lit office grading the tests the entire class had taken that morning. After finishing grading yours — and you didn’t do very well, just as you had anticipated — he muttered to himself, out loud, “what happened there, Sanrio?”

The Professor failed to notice he did remember your name perfectly, even if he kept calling you Sanrio. 

“Will you sleep in here today?” a familiar voice scowled from the door, and Higuruma turned his face to meet the dusty blonde head of hair peeping through. 

“I’ll just finish grading these and then I’ll go home, Kento,” Higuruma answered with a tired smile on his face. 

“And couldn’t you have done that from home?” his friend asked, looking at the menacing pile of paper over the man’s desk, “or maybe tomorrow morning.” 

“Oh, I’d never get to it if I had left it for later. I’m already here, might as well just ditch this Pavlovian nightmare as soon as possible,” the other stated, flailing a test on his hand before proceeding, “what are these even meant to assess? Someone’s capabilities of answering formulaic questions like trained dogs? Ugh.”

Higuruma was ranting.

Nanami huffed a slightly amused chuckle, but underneath it, he seemed a little beaten down. 

“Is everything okay, Kento?” Higuruma asked, interrupting his ranting when noticing his deflated friend. 

“I’m… fine.”

Nanami had forgotten for a second that Higuruma, underneath all his antics, was a very perceptive person. 

“Are you sure?” Higuruma insisted, “you don’t look so well.” 

“It’s nothing. I’m just thinking about work, that’s all.”

And that he was. That meeting had stuck with him for those past few days. 

“Oh, how was the meeting with the Union?”

Nanami’s breath got caught for a second before he mustered up something to answer. 

“It wasn’t what I expected it to be. I might be switching things up soon,” Nanami said with some understated grave finality. 

“Truly?” Higuruma sounded surprised. 

“Yes. Perhaps exploring new fronts beyond Corporate Law.” 

“Well, then, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help apart from practicing law.”

Higuruma’s voice cracked softly right at the end of his sentence. ​Nanami didn’t fail to notice it, and kept silent as his friend seemed to mull over bitter memories. 

“Hiromi,” Nanami began. 

“I can’t, I… can’t.”

Higuruma had visibly tensed up, his fists unconsciously clenching as his forearms laid flat on the desk.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Nanami concluded, careful not to dig too deep on the matter.

Both of them shared an uncomfortable silence before Higuruma hesitantly steered his gaze to meet Nanami’s. Unsure, Higuruma gave his friend a tiny nod, and moved his attention back to the task in front of him. 

Understanding that the talk about it was over, at least for now, Nanami asked, “I’m leaving, do you want me to help you carry those to your car?” 

“Oh, there’s no need. I parked far, behind the…”

Oh, shit. 

“Nanami, what day is it today?”

*** 

“I’m not drunk,” you mumbled, while filling your third cup of vodka. 

“I’m not so sure about that,” Nobara said, giving you a light push to your shoulder, having you nearly tip over. Meanwhile, Megumi, Yuuji and Maki were entertained with Yuuji trying to score Gojo’s open mouth with peanuts like it was a basketball hoop.

Megumi was the least entertained of the trio.

“Knock it off!” you complained, slapping her hand away.

You fished your pack of cigarettes from your pocket, and she instantly grunted. 

“Those things stink and itch my nose, go smoke them somewhere else.” 

It was your time to grunt. 

“Ugh, fine. Then I’ll find a new best friend that’ll let me smoke — hell, one that might even smoke with me!” you  replied, getting ready to leave. 

“Make good choices!” she poked at you, and you playfully brushed her off. 

“I won’t!”

You walked away — not before hearing Yuuji and Gojo cheering right after Yuuji managed to score ten peanuts in a row — and gave your cup of vodka another sip, having the burning tingle dripping down your throat, warming you up against the cold wind.

After about two minutes or so of walking, sure your smoke wouldn’t blow on anyone’s faces, you put a cigarette into your mouth and pulled the lighter Professor Higuruma had given you, trying to light the cig up.

However, the wind wouldn’t let you, no matter how much you tried to tent your hand around it.

God, why? you thought to yourself, fidgeting with your bangs in annoyance.

While darting your eyes around, looking for any sort of shelter from the wind, you found a beat up, dark navy-blue car that surely had seen better days parked just behind the brick building. In your drunken haze, you figured that squatting between both would be the best idea.

Stumbling your way towards the gap, you quickly went down on the ground in a crouched position, holding your cup in one hand and the lighter on the other, cig strongly held in between your lips.

Flick, flick, flick.

Nothing.

God fucking damnit. 

“Hey!” a male voice exclaimed from behind you, scaring the shit out of your soul. 

Your body moved on instinct. You instantly jumped up, startled and screaming, and tossed the entire vodka contents from the cup towards whoever had nearly given you a heart attack.

Higuruma stood there, completely stunned and incredulous, as the beverage hit his shirt, vest, tie, face and coat. 

“… I didn’t mean to scare you,” he offered, taking his glasses off to shake the liquid from them before putting them back, “but why?”

For a split second, he was just glad this wasn’t coffee or wine, the staining demons of liquids. It could’ve been worse.

Oh my God. I can’t believe I assaulted this man with my drink again. This has to be a prank.

This time, already impaired from two full glasses of vodka in your system, and increasingly nervous at that situation, you couldn’t hold it in. 

You began cackling, directly to his face, as his expression became profoundly confused. He lifted an eyebrow, not knowing if he should feel scared, amused or offended.

"I-I just… Just laugh in i-inappropriate… moments- I’m sorry!" you tried explaining, in between laughs and huffs, drying a tear that bubbled up at the edge of your eye with the tip of your fingers.

You both stood there for a few seconds until your laughter died down, and he was then sure you definitely had a few screws loose.

It amused him.

“Here, let me use this to dry your shirt," you told Higuruma, approaching him with your red scarf, pressing it against his chest. He put his free hand over it and haphazardly rubbed it over the damp patches of his clothes alongside you.

This up close, he couldn’t help but notice once again that tiny hair lock which swirled away from your bangs.

Realizing he was staring at your hair, Higuruma diverted his eyes elsewhere, having them landing over the ugly red scarf. 

"Ah, that hideous thing." 

Shit, I said that out loud, he thought to himself, facepalming internally. 

To that, you looked at him, wide eyed, and laughed wholeheartedly, having Higuruma blushing embarrassment at his own incapacity to control his words. 

"It is hideous, isn't it?" you noted, surprising him.

For the second time in that interaction, he was nothing short of perplexed. The Professor was more than accustomed to having people get deeply offended at his talking mishaps from time to time.

"I thought you might be laughing because what I said was terribly inappropriate," Higuruma admitted, somewhat relieved.

"Oh, no. It was funny. I also laugh at funny things," you jested with a mindless smile pulling on your cheeks.

It was his time to chuckle, and you didn’t fail to notice, even in your tipsy fog, how a tiny crease would form on the edges of his hangdog eyes when he was laughing. And how his voice reverberated. And how his disheveled hair framed around his face beautifully, highlighting his beautiful hooked nose. And-

Shit. I have the hots for the Professor.

"... Is there still anything on my face?"

That snapped you out of it, but not entirely.

"Uh? Why?"

"Because you're staring at it."

Yeah. That checks out. 

“I just… never mind,” you told him while blushing discreetly, scrambling around to give him some space. It was only then that Higuruma noticed he had his hand resting over yours for a while after you stopped trying to pat him dry with the ugliest scarf known to mankind. 

Clearing his throat, he asked, “why were you slouching by my car?” 

“I was trying to light a cigarette,” you replied, pointing at the cig on the ground after the debacle, “the wind is pretty unforgiving today.”

“I see. I’m sorry about the fallen soldier,” he stated. 

“No worries, I’ve got more,” you replied, pulling your pack from your pocket, “do you want one?” 

I shouldn’t, smoking is bad, I’m doing cardio three times a we-

“Yes.” 

You pulled two cigarettes from the pack, put them both in your mouth, cupped your hand around the cigs to light them up, and it actually worked.

Well, that’s convenient.

You inhaled the smoke for a second, feeling it waving into your mouth. It immediately soothed your crave.

Taking one of them in between two fingers, you extended your hand towards Higuruma, who grabbed the smoke. 

“Thanks,” he offered in a calm tone.

“No worries, it’s the least I could do after assaulting you with vodka,” you shrugged with some embarrassment.

“It’s oka… pure vodka?” 

“Yes.”

That’s… a lot.

He was a little taken aback, but decided not to ask anything. 

“Well, at least it won’t leave a stain, unlike coffee,” Higuruma remarked. 

“Yeah, it won’t,” you replied while mindlessly giggling.

Higuruma finally bowed his head towards you and you retributed the gesture, bidding him goodbye before leaving on your way to your dorm room. 

Once you were gone, he went inside his car, cracking the window open. As he was finally alone pulling the cigarette towards his lips, Higuruma noticed something around the edge of the cig. A soft pinkish-red ring that went all around it.

Is this… her lipstick?

It was.

Against his better judgment, Higuruma blushed softly, instantly shaking his head to weave off the heat that had pooled around in his cheeks before flipping the engine on.

Get a hold of yourself.

He did, however, hold the cig in his mouth, smudging the faint lipstick tint it had on his lips until the smoke was all spent up.

-

Tag list (updated):

@arusearu @yammy-yammy-yama @markleeisdabestdrug @redlikerozez @killerplink

@alwaysfreakingout @murderofravens @cmdrfupa @higurumapet @cindyneko-strider 

@ohhheymessa @bigbaddulce @actuallysaiyan @s-witch-bitch @yeonjunarchives

@soft--cherry @bsaeshell @quinnyundertow @traffi @shibataimu

[glorified-red]

Red, you’re a seasoned college student. What types of jobs/internships did you have?

Snd do you have any tips for time management?I’ll be taking 18 credits starting in the fall plus working two jobs so I can graduate early

Do you use google calendar ?

I suppose I am!

I ended up looking up on-campus jobs that were close to my field to see what I could get into. This led to opportunities within the library, the writing center, tutoring, etc. They typically hire students but if you negotiate, you can probably work a semester unpayed and count it as an internship (that’s what I did).

My college also has a ton of publishing journals where students can have internships as editors and publishers. They also have certain professors who oversee internship opportunities. If your college is the same, try to see if you can reach out to professors or advisors who can guide you through internship opportunities.

18 credits is intense. I wish you the best of luck.

When it comes to time management, it’s all about priority and energy. Prioritize what is due soonest or holds the biggest weight. You’re not going to have the time or energy to give 100% on every single assignment you do—that’s the reality of taking that many classes. Figure out what assignments you can give 50% on and which ones you HAVE to give 100%. Make your effort proportional to how important an assignment is so you don’t burn yourself out.

I’m not gonna say 18 credits and two jobs is impossible, but if you end up getting to withdrawal or drop season and youre having a hard time, it’s not a bad thing to drop or withdrawal from a class to take later.

You can always retake a class but you only have one chance with your mental health.

Some things I do:

- have a calendar. I don’t use google calendar but I hear it’s good.

- look into some organizational thing to keep track of assignments. With so many classes, things are more likely to slip through the cracks. I use a spreadsheet but I’ve seen others use a planner or a canvas extension? There’s also apps to track school assignments. Look into those. Don’t just trust yourself to remember.

- reflect on how you’re doing FREQUENTLY so that you can catch when you need a break before it’s too late.

- make doing assignments fun. I go to cafes so I can be around other productive people and get myself a sweet treat as motivation. Go to the library! Make your desk cute and fun! And comfy!

- have friends who will support and motivate you to prioritize your academic and career goals. It’s very easy to feel disappointed when your social life disappears in semesters like these (and it will). So find friends who will go to libraries with you and go on study dates.

- take a goddamn break. Don’t let an assignment keep you up too late. School is never worth losing yourself along the way. Rest and sleep. Once again:

You can always retake a class but you only have one chance with your mental health.

- go! To! Office! Hours! If your professors offer extra hours to talk to them—-GO. It never hurts and most professors genuinely want to help. You’d be stupid to assume college is all about “figuring it out yourself” nO. Make friends with your classmates. Ask questions. Be confused. Say you don’t understand. It is okay and EXPECTED.

Good luck and if you have any other questions or any advice, feel free to stop on by!

[sophiasblog10]

Athletic Director Mark Kulakowski: A Familiar Face to All and Facilities All Brought Together

When I was a senior in high school, I had no idea what direction I wanted to go in, as most people could say. What I did know was that I had a passion for sports as that is one of the things that I mainly talked about. I knew I wanted to go into the sports field, however I did not know exactly what I wanted to do. Making my way through freshman year, I started as an exercise science major and then traveled along into switching my majors now entering the sports management world. Taking on a summer internship with the North Shore Navigators was interesting and knowledgeable, but I knew I needed more meat with the work I was doing, I needed more hands-on experience in order to get a feel for what my future is planning to look like. Although he may not be a professor here at Endicott College, there was one familiar face that inspired me from the first day I met him while doing bat testing for the baseball team. Little did I know he would have a great impact on my life guiding me in the right direction towards my future.

Mark Kulakowski otherwise known as “Kula,” is the Associate Athletic Director here on the beautiful campus of Endicott College or otherwise known as “the nest.” Kula has been in his position of being an Associate Athletic Director for 22 years in which he oversees all of the gameday operation facilities, ROTC liaison and day to day operations on the campus of Endicott College. He has been a familiar face to all around him and there is not a day that goes by that he does not say hi or gives a smile to someone, whether it is a student, faculty or staff member. He has brought such a friendly and bright attitude and atmosphere to Endicott College and has definitely played a huge role in making what the athletic department is today. Constantly changing, repairing and improving the facilities, Kula always has the best interest in not only what he thinks would make the school better as a whole, but looks out for the students and has thoughts in the back of his head of what would make them happy. “I love Endicott, and I love the people, and I am a people person.” - Mark Kulakowski.

“I started the football program here as an assistant coach as well as I have coached softball at the same time and I did this for 10 years, then stayed another 6 years coaching softball. I worked my way up from a coordinator to an Associate Athletic Director and kept on climbing,” stated Kula when asked about how he got to where he is today. He then continued on and said, “I’ve seen and done a bunch of different things, so it’s just been a great experience. It's pretty impressive because a lot of people don’t get to stay, and really say, they love what they do, so I find myself extremely blessed.” 

Kula completed his undergraduate degree at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth in which he obtained a major in history and a minor in education. Soon after graduating from University of Massachusetts Dartmouth he went on to complete his graduate degree in leadership here at Endicott College. Kula knew he was made out to be working in the sports industry as he continues to do what he loves on a daily basis. 

Kula brings an exceptional amount of determination and pride in his work. He is a perfectionist and wants everything to be done with the most amount of perfection and detail as they can rather than half fasting it. Even though Kula does not have a day to day routine, he makes sure everyday by the end of his work day that everything gets done in a fashionably and timely manner and that he provides the equipment and resources needed so others can succeed in their jobs. The facilities here at Endicott College would not be what they are today without Kula putting every blood, sweat and tear into his job.

The Post Center is located near most of the athletic fields here at Endicott College. This building hosts the Sports Science, Fitness, and Athletic Training Center. Opened in September 1999 a lot has changed since then. From going to classrooms, training rooms, labs, offices, dance, weight, and group exercise rooms, in 2010 there were renovations done in which Endicott completed a 2,400 square foot addition to the existing structure. This is the place to be whether it is learning in a classroom, completing work study, or even just hanging out, using the facilities this building has to offer, and going to get a good workout in the gym, the Post Center has all of the needs necessary to enjoy campus a little bit more. 

One of the gyms that Endicott has is its strength and conditioning room which is strictly for athletes only. This room is designed so athletes during on and off season can workout in which they strengthen and condition their bodies no matter what season they are in. Endicott’s very own strength and conditioning coach and run by none other than Jack Dustin. Jack brings a friendly, goofy personality that everyone loves and everyone looks up to him as a role model. Jack oversees all of the athletes as well as coaches them by making sure they are performing the best exercise needed for their body and sport, as well as making sure nobody gets hurt. Dustin is committed to the success of his athletes and the physical and mental goals that they set for themselves. 

Part of the Strength and Conditioning program here at Endicott College is the Athletes. Strength and Conditioning is not all about seriousness but athletes tend to have a little fun here and there. During halloween time the athletes may dress up in whatever they desire as long as they get a good lift. Athletes are not only challenging themselves, but challenging their peers as well because at the end of the day they are on the same team and want everyone to be the best that they can be. 

Endicotts hockey program is truly something that nobody ever forgets. Athletes definitely put on a show at the Raymond J. Bourque Arena and the reason the athletes are able to skate is because of the staff members that make sure everything runs smoothly. Mark Kulakowski has interns that meet team buses, show the opposing team locker rooms, check in the refs, perform ticket sales and crowd control. The interns are overseed by Mark in which he prepares them for the challenging day ahead of time. With weekly meetings between all of his staff members and interns that Mark goes to, he never lets anyone struggle as he states that “he is always here for whoever and whenever anybody needs him.” Kula makes sure that the rink is cleaned and ice is constantly being made for the hockey players to play on especially for the CCC championship matches that were hosted at Endicott. Kula states “my job is not easy but it certainly is rewarding at the end of the day seeing all the smiling faces satisfied with the entertainment they have been brought.” 

Endicotts Baseball Program is truly one of a kind. Run by Coach Haley he takes pride in his team, making sure that their academics are just as up to par as the teams athletics. Haley does not let any baseball player participate in baseball if they have a GPA under a 2.9. With these high standards, the athletes perform to their fullest potential on and off the field. Endicott’s baseball program has a grand total of 8 times CCC championships. Their outstanding record season after season is something that other teams watch out for. Haley loves the team and loves the boys as he takes pride in what he does and is determined to make the team the best that he can year in and year out. 

Another Program that Mark helps set up with is Lacrosse. Lacrosse games are a lot to set up as Mark has to make sure the time keepers know what they are doing, the refs understand the rules and the players are good sports throughout the whole time. He also oversees the crowd and crowd control them just in case things tend to get a little Rowdy. He makes sure that all of the interns and student workers throughout the game know what they are doing with full confidence. Mark never lets anyone do anything without showing them and having them feel like they are not confident in what they are doing. 

The Macdonald Gymnasium is partially where the indoor sports compete. Between men and womens volleyball and mens and womens basketball, there is a lot of competition that brings a rowdy crowd to this gymnasium. Mark makes sure the gym is set up with the correct equipment needed, the right amount of student workers, and makes sure everything is ready to go. He puts out barricades to separate the athletes and the crowd in order to make sure that everything is run in a smooth manner and nobody loses control. 

Taking a look is where all the athletics sprout from. Even though there are a ton of athletes that are located within this building, there are also regular students that use the facilities. Between a smoothie shop, the gym, classes and building there is something for everyone. Mark's office is located in the gym on the first floor and students are not afraid to stop by and say hello just because of how friendly Mark is and how excited he is to see the students.

[sophiasblog26]

Athletic Director Mark Kulakowski: A Familiar Face to All and Facilities All Brought Together 

When I was a senior in high school, I had no idea what direction I wanted to go in, as most people could say. What I did know was that I had a passion for sports as that is one of the things that I mainly talked about. I knew I wanted to go into the sports field, however I did not know exactly what I wanted to do. Making my way through freshman year, I started as an exercise science major and then traveled along into switching my majors now entering the sports management world. Taking on a summer internship with the North Shore Navigators was interesting and knowledgeable, but I knew I needed more meat with the work I was doing, I needed more hands-on experience in order to get a feel for what my future is planning to look like. Although he may not be a professor here at Endicott College, there was one familiar face that inspired me from the first day I met him while doing bat testing for the baseball team. Little did I know he would have a great impact on my life guiding me in the right direction towards my future.

Mark Kulakowski otherwise known as “Kula,” is the Associate Athletic Director here on the beautiful campus of Endicott College or otherwise known as “the nest.” Kula has been in his position of being an Associate Athletic Director for 22 years in which he oversees all of the gameday operation facilities, ROTC liaison and day to day operations on the campus of Endicott College. He has been a familiar face to all around him and there is not a day that goes by that he does not say hi or gives a smile to someone, whether it is a student, faculty or staff member. He has brought such a friendly and bright attitude and atmosphere to Endicott College and has definitely played a huge role in making what the athletic department is today. Constantly changing, repairing and improving the facilities, Kula always has the best interest in not only what he thinks would make the school better as a whole, but looks out for the students and has thoughts in the back of his head of what would make them happy. “I love Endicott, and I love the people, and I am a people person.” - Mark Kulakowski.

“I started the football program here as an assistant coach as well as I have coached softball at the same time and I did this for 10 years, then stayed another 6 years coaching softball. I worked my way up from a coordinator to an Associate Athletic Director and kept on climbing,” stated Kula when asked about how he got to where he is today. He then continued on and said, “I’ve seen and done a bunch of different things, so it’s just been a great experience. It's pretty impressive because a lot of people don’t get to stay, and really say, they love what they do, so I find myself extremely blessed.” 

Kula completed his undergraduate degree at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth in which he obtained a major in history and a minor in education. Soon after graduating from University of Massachusetts Dartmouth he went on to complete his graduate degree in leadership here at Endicott College. Kula knew he was made out to be working in the sports industry as he continues to do what he loves on a daily basis. 

Kula brings an exceptional amount of determination and pride in his work. He is a perfectionist and wants everything to be done with the most amount of perfection and detail as they can rather than half fasting it. Even though Kula does not have a day to day routine, he makes sure everyday by the end of his work day that everything gets done in a fashionably and timely manner and that he provides the equipment and resources needed so others can succeed in their jobs. The facilities here at Endicott College would not be what they are today without Kula putting every blood, sweat and tear into his job.

The Post Center is located near most of the athletic fields here at Endicott College. This building hosts the Sports Science, Fitness, and Athletic Training Center. Opened in September 1999 a lot has changed since then. From going to classrooms, training rooms, labs, offices, dance, weight, and group exercise rooms, in 2010 there were renovations done in which Endicott completed a 2,400 square foot addition to the existing structure. This is the place to be whether it is learning in a classroom, completing work study, or even just hanging out, using the facilities this building has to offer, and going to get a good workout in the gym, the Post Center has all of the needs necessary to enjoy campus a little bit more. 

One of the gyms that Endicott has is its strength and conditioning room which is strictly for athletes only. This room is designed so athletes during on and off season can workout in which they strengthen and condition their bodies no matter what season they are in. Endicott’s very own strength and conditioning coach and run by none other than Jack Dustin. Jack brings a friendly, goofy personality that everyone loves and everyone looks up to him as a role model. Jack oversees all of the athletes as well as coaches them by making sure they are performing the best exercise needed for their body and sport, as well as making sure nobody gets hurt. Dustin is committed to the success of his athletes and the physical and mental goals that they set for themselves. 

Part of the Strength and Conditioning program here at Endicott College is the Athletes. Strength and Conditioning is not all about seriousness but athletes tend to have a little fun here and there. During halloween time the athletes may dress up in whatever they desire as long as they get a good lift. Athletes are not only challenging themselves, but challenging their peers as well because at the end of the day they are on the same team and want everyone to be the best that they can be. 

Endicotts hockey program is truly something that nobody ever forgets. Athletes definitely put on a show at the Raymond J. Bourque Arena and the reason the athletes are able to skate is because of the staff members that make sure everything runs smoothly. Mark Kulakowski has interns that meet team buses, show the opposing team locker rooms, check in the refs, perform ticket sales and crowd control. The interns are overseed by Mark in which he prepares them for the challenging day ahead of time. With weekly meetings between all of his staff members and interns that Mark goes to, he never lets anyone struggle as he states that “he is always here for whoever and whenever anybody needs him.” Kula makes sure that the rink is cleaned and ice is constantly being made for the hockey players to play on especially for the CCC championship matches that were hosted at Endicott. Kula states “my job is not easy but it certainly is rewarding at the end of the day seeing all the smiling faces satisfied with the entertainment they have been brought.” 

Endicotts Baseball Program is truly one of a kind. Run by Coach Haley he takes pride in his team, making sure that their academics are just as up to par as the teams athletics. Haley does not let any baseball player participate in baseball if they have a GPA under a 2.9. With these high standards, the athletes perform to their fullest potential on and off the field. Endicott’s baseball program has a grand total of 8 times CCC championships. Their outstanding record season after season is something that other teams watch out for. Haley loves the team and loves the boys as he takes pride in what he does and is determined to make the team the best that he can year in and year out. 

Another Program that Mark helps set up with is Lacrosse. Lacrosse games are a lot to set up as Mark has to make sure the time keepers know what they are doing, the refs understand the rules and the players are good sports throughout the whole time. He also oversees the crowd and crowd control them just in case things tend to get a little Rowdy. He makes sure that all of the interns and student workers throughout the game know what they are doing with full confidence. Mark never lets anyone do anything without showing them and having them feel like they are not confident in what they are doing. 

The Macdonald Gymnasium is partially where the indoor sports compete. Between men and womens volleyball and mens and womens basketball, there is a lot of competition that brings a rowdy crowd to this gymnasium. Mark makes sure the gym is set up with the correct equipment needed, the right amount of student workers, and makes sure everything is ready to go. He puts out barricades to separate the athletes and the crowd in order to make sure that everything is run in a smooth manner and nobody loses control.

Taking a look is where all the athletics sprout from. Even though there are a ton of athletes that are located within this building, there are also regular students that use the facilities. Between a smoothie shop, the gym, classes and building there is something for everyone. Mark's office is located in the gym on the first floor and students are not afraid to stop by and say hello just because of how friendly Mark is and how excited he is to see the students.

[denimbex1986]

'A world-renowned science, technology and research laboratory, tasty red and green chile, and beautiful terrain called Carlos and Miguel Chacon back to their home state of New Mexico this summer.

The brothers, both senior engineering (robotics) majors in Barrett, The Honors College at Arizona State University’s Polytechnic campus, recently completed summer internships at the famed Los Alamos National Laboratory (LANL) in New Mexico.

LANL, located 35 miles from the town of Los Alamos, has been the subject of renewed interest with the recent release of the blockbuster film “Oppenheimer,” about J. Robert Oppenheimer, an American theoretical physicist and director of the Manhattan Project's Los Alamos laboratory during World War II.

The Chacon brothers are very familiar with LANL and its surroundings. They graduated from Los Alamos High School and did coursework in robotics at The University of New Mexico Los Alamos.

“I was very excited and honored when I received the news that I was accepted as a summer intern for LANL. Being at one of the country’s top scientific and national security laboratories with experts spanning a wide variety of fields, this internship has been an excellent opportunity to learn, develop my (professional) network and gain valuable experience,” Carlos said.

Carlos worked on developing procedures and conducting experiments on how water molecules behave in a vacuum environment similar to that commonly found in the chambers and glove boxes used to handle plutonium at LANL. The overall aim was to identify methods and techniques to effectively remove moisture in production environments.

“LANL has a very well-organized mentoring program for undergraduate student interns, and I am thankful for my two mentors who have supported me in every step I have taken to grow as an engineer and who let me know that my work is helping make a difference,” Carlos said.

Like his brother, Miguel said he feels fortunate and grateful to have had the opportunity to work at LANL.

“I have learned so much throughout this experience, and it has opened my eyes to the wide range of important scientific work that is carried out by LANL. I am also amazed at all the connections I have made at the lab so far, and have gotten the chance to meet some amazing people who are working on exciting projects,” he said...

What do they want their fellow students to know about LANL?

“It is a place like no other in terms of the wide range of interesting work being done in the name of national security. As an intern, it is a great place to make connections and hone in on your interests. As an employee, it is a great place to start off your career and work on meaningful projects that make a difference,” Miguel said...'

[subliminalbointext]

Dirty Work: As Deep as You Can Go

Fuck this is bad, oh god, shit, fuck.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Hot girl walks into an interview with the head of the Department of Psychology and immediately gets hypnotized. Total Romero cliche, I know. Fuck. This sucks.

What am I even doing here? I’m not qualified for a public relations internship! I should have known this was a setup. I should have run the second I saw I was interviewing with Dr. Fielding instead of some cat mom lady in administration. Is this job even in public relations? I hate it here.

“Can you hear me, Andrea?”

“Yes, Dr. Fielding.”

Oooh fuck this feels weird. Was that my voice? How did she make me say that? How is she doing this?

Alright, calm down. Let’s piece it together. Fuck. It literally just happened. Why can’t I remember?

Okay. The interview was going fine, I remember that. I nailed it, even. Huge win after the CVS debacle. The interview was going fine and then…then what? Dr. Fielding says,

“This feels like a good fit, Andrea. But I do have one more line of questions for you.”

And I say…what did I say?

“Hit me, doc.”

“For these questions, Andrea, I need you to go deeper.”

Ohhhh fuuck! That was it, wasn’t it? Some kind of trigger. It didn’t take me immediately, but it did something. My shoulders straightened and I started listening. I turned off my smart ass charm and just let her inside my goddamn head.

How did she say it next?

“Just focus on me now, Andrea. Breathe. Breathe and listen.”

And I repeated it like her fucking parrot. I couldn’t stop focusing. I couldn’t stop listening.

“Breathe and listen.”

“I want you to think of the deepest place you’ve ever been to, Andrea. That place you go to when you need to shut out the rest of the world. I want you to think about that place, and then I want you to go even deeper.”

“Deeper.”

How did the trigger even work on me? Must have been something she planted. Must have been working me the entire interview. Could have been anything. That way she spoke, that way she tapped on her keyboard, that way she kept repeating my name.

It’s all so suspect now. It couldn’t have just been one thing. It was everything.

All about this. All about getting me here. Trapped down here as deep as my mind goes. Leaving me open, mindless, obedient

“Compliant, pliable, agreeable. Can you be all of that for me, Andrea?”

“Yes…

Dr. Fielding.

"Now I want you to come back to me, Andrea. I want you to climb out of that place so deep, deeper than you’ve ever gone, deeper than you knew even existed. But first I want you to find every part of you that still resists this, every part of you that doubts the power that I hold over you. I want to find that part of yourself, Andrea, and I want you to leave it down there, forever. So deep down there that you’ll never find it again.”

Doesn’t feel so bad…down here forever…down here so deep where I never have to worry, or question, or think. Never have to think ever again. Never. Forever.

The world seemed to blink with Andrea’s eyes. One moment she was answering Dr. Fielding’s questions, and the next she was standing, shaking the professor’s hand. She didn’t know why she was smiling. She didn’t know what had just happened. She asked the first, stupid question that came to her mind.

“So…I got the job?”

“Yes,” Dr. Fielding smiled back. She stepped around the desk, placing her hand on Andrea’s back, and she began to walk her toward the door. “Of course it’s only part time. You’ll work on a contingent basis. As needed.”

“How often is that?” Andrea blinked again. She felt like she had a hangover.

“Oh, it’s hard to say. Campus incidents seem to be more frequent these days, hence the need for your position. Of course Dean Pierce and I are relying on your discretion while you’re employed with his office. Everything you do will be strictly confidential. I’m assuming you’re comfortable with payment under the table.”

“Sure,” Andrea said slowly, still catching up to the conversation. She wanted the extra cash, but it was hard to imagine there wasn’t some communications major who was more qualified for the job.

As Andrea stepped through the door into the hallway, Dr. Fielding snatched her by the wrist. Andrea yelped in surprise. Her skin was soft, but her touch was numbing like a snake bite. Why did she suddenly feel like putty in this woman’s hands?

“Andrea,” Dr. Fielding called out.

“Yes, Dr. Fielding,” Andrea said without a thought.

“The money is only a perk. Never forget the real reason you’re here.”

There was no hesitation this time.

“I have no choice,” Andrea’s words came out slow, deliberate, a truth from the absolute bottom. As low as she could go. “I am a loyal student of Carpenter State University. I proudly serve Dean Pierce. I must protect the legacy of this great institution.”

I must obey.

[berkeleycollege]

Berkeley alum shares her success in the fashion industry with prospective students

At a recent Berkeley College Fashion and Marketing Career Seminar, High School and Community Relations Associate Melissa Coudon didn’t waste any time capturing the attention of participants considering a career in the fashion industry. Big numbers mean big opportunity “One hundred billion items of clothing are produced each year. That translates to nearly 14 items for every human being on the planet,” she began. “So, it comes as no surprise that clothing production represents the world’s third largest manufacturing industry. Let’s also not forget that $49.2 billion is generated by cosmetic sales in the United States each year,” she continued. “With the global cosmetic industry, we’re talking about more than $380 billion dollars. So, don’t listen to anyone who says there's no money in fashion!” With that, Ms. Coudon introduced Francesca Cohen, a 2015 graduate of the Berkeley College Fashion Merchandising and Management program, and the current Director of International Accounts at Milk Makeup, a well-known New York City-based cosmetics and skin care company. Following a lifelong passion “I always knew I wanted a career in fashion, but I thought I wanted to be a designer,” Francesca explained. “Growing up, I always like loved clothes and loved to dress up. I was never into Barbies or anything like that. I always wanted to go shopping!” She said, “I took a few classes in design and sewing and found that the technical side was not for me. I wanted to learn the business of fashion. I did a lot of research and found Berkeley’s fashion program was exactly what I wanted.” “The flexibility of attending the different Berkeley locations was key for me,” according to Francesca. “I attended the New York City campus my first year. When I worked at the Garden State Plaza, I was able to take classes at the Woodland Park campus. Through Berkeley, I was able to do two internships—which were very important. My first internship was at Aritzia in NYC, where I did retail sales, public relations and marketing. My second internship was at Rebecca Minkoff, where I worked production, which is the nuts and bolts of the fashion industry.” A fascinating career journey “Throughout my career journey, I’ve found that networking is key,” Francesca pointed out. “I was working as an account manager in handbags and had friends who worked in the beauty sector. One of my friends told me of an opportunity; I interviewed; got the position and thought I would give beauty a try. Beauty is definitely a faster paced field. I starting working at Becca (Estée Lauder) in operations and production with Sephora accounts. From there I slowly learned about international sales, and I found my niche. Estée Lauder gave me opportunities within Dr. Jart where I was Sales and Marketing Manager and became part of the International Team dealing with Mexico and Columbia. I launched Blush Bar in Columbia. From there I became Manager, Travel Retail Worldwide Marketing Department in Estée Lauder for all accounts in China.”  Rebounding to even greater heights after a setback Unfortunately for Francesca, many facilities in China shut down when the COVID-19 pandemic hit, and she lost her job at Estée Lauder. But she quickly bounced back. “With my International experience, I was able to start a position as Director of International Accounts at Mario Badescu Skin Care,” she remembered. “Once again, networking played an important role as I have a friend that told me about the position as Director of International Accounts at Milk Makeup.” Believing in the products she helps to sell “Before pursuing the position, I tried the makeup,” Francesca explained. “I need to believe in the products before I’ll work for a company. Sustainability was also important to me and it plays a big role in the industry. Milk Makeup maintains 100% commitment on sustainability. The products are cruelty-free. We are what’s called a clean make up brand.” When she started at Milk Makeup last year, she was in charge of the Sephora accounts in Europe, AMZ (Australia/Mexico), and Middle East. “I now have added accounts in the UK, so I’ve traveled to London and Paris for negotiations,” she recounted. “And I’ve just returned from our sales meeting in Barcelona.” Empowered by her Berkeley College education Ms. Coudon went on to ask Francesca the ways that her education has helped her along the way in her career. “My Berkeley experience has been instrumental throughout every stage of my career. The classes that I took were so important – Product Development, Retail Math, Retail Buying, Strategies, and so many more,” she said. “The professors were amazing and shared real-life information that helped prepare me with the tools that I would need. And, of course, my internships played a key role in learning the industry.”  Offering advice for future fashion industry professionals When asked about the qualities need for success in the fashion business, Francesca responded “Along with an education in fashion, communication, hard work, dedication, and resilience are what employers look for.” She was quick to point out the importance of learning and experience for those with aspirations in the fashion industry. “I would say to start out in production so that you can understand every piece of the fashion business,” she recommended. “In time you will find your specialty as there are so many opportunities.” Francesca also spoke of “misconceptions” about the fashion and beauty industry always being glamourous. “ Behind every event that looks glamorous, like the fashion shows, there are countless people behind the scenes who are just as important as those participating directly in the events,” she noted. “You have to do the work to get the glitz and glamour. The hard work pays off!” As the mother of a young son, Francesca also remarked that, “I love the international aspects of by job, but being away from home can be challenging. Forging a future in fashion Francesca plans on continuing her current path and hopes to one day one day head an International Department. “Ultimately, I’d love to develop a new beauty brand,” she said. “Sometimes it’s all about the right place and the right time.” And it seems like Francesca is developing quite a knack for that. [bts/disclaimer1] Originally published here: https://berkeleycollege.edu/berkeley-today/2023/03/berkeley-alum-shares-her-success-in-the-fashion-industry-with-prospective-students.html

[geetauniversity]

Why did you choose to study M.Sc computer science? - Geeta University

Choosing a postgraduate course is a significant decision, and it is vital to consider a range of factors before settling on a program that suits your academic and career aspirations. For me, pursuing an M.Sc in Computer Science was a natural choice. In this article, I will explain why I chose this course and highlight the role that Geeta University played in my decision-making process.

My interest in computer science began during my undergraduate studies. I was fascinated by the complex algorithms and data structures used in software development and the way in which computers can be used to solve real-world problems. I also recognized that the field of computer science is constantly evolving, and there is always something new to learn.

After completing my bachelor's degree, I began exploring postgraduate options in computer science. I researched different universities and programs and found that Geeta University had a reputation for excellence in this field. The university offers a range of specialized courses, including an M.Sc in Computer Science, which is designed to equip students with the skills and knowledge needed to succeed in this competitive industry.

One of the factors that attracted me to Geeta University was the quality of the faculty. The university has a team of experienced and knowledgeable professors who are experts in their respective fields. They have a deep understanding of the latest trends and technologies in computer science and are committed to helping students achieve their academic and career goals. I was impressed by their dedication and enthusiasm, and I felt that I could benefit from their guidance and support.

Another factor that influenced my decision was the university's state-of-the-art facilities. Geeta University has invested heavily in creating a modern and well-equipped campus that provides students with access to the latest technologies and resources. The university has a dedicated computer science department with cutting-edge labs and equipment, which is essential for practical learning and research.

Geeta University also offers a range of opportunities for students to gain real-world experience. The university has strong ties with the industry, and it provides students with internships, research projects, and industry collaborations. This exposure to the industry is essential for developing practical skills and gaining valuable work experience, which is highly sought after by employers.

Finally, I was attracted to Geeta University because of its commitment to academic excellence and research. The university has a strong focus on research and innovation, and it encourages students to undertake independent research projects. This approach to learning is ideal for students who are looking to make a significant contribution to the field of computer science and develop a deep understanding of the subject.

In conclusion, pursuing an M.Sc in Computer Science at Geeta University was a natural choice for me. The university's reputation for excellence, experienced faculty, state-of-the-art facilities, industry partnerships, and commitment to research were all factors that influenced my decision. I am confident that this course will provide me with the skills, knowledge, and practical experience needed to succeed in this dynamic and challenging industry.

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

warning really long rant ahead feel free to skip ahead but god if you have answers tell me

__________

i just realised i have been home a week over a month at this point and i haven't been outside for anything that wasn't work related or a walk because my parents want me to lose weight even once. i used to go on walks nearby just like that, i would go to the library even if i didn't read what i got even if it was five minutes away i was outside for myself i haven't done that at all. this break i planned to go explore my city as a field study of spaces and i did nothing, the aspect of going outside and being in public by myself is so scary to me the thought of it makes me want to retch and tires me out so much i go to sleep but if i don't go out when i am home for break when will i go i can't live either in home on inside a campus. i just want someone next to me and there is no one, i wrote a letter for a friend, i made her a postcard i haven't sent it yet because i need to go all the way to the post office for stamps and my brother won't go with me and there is no one this makes me want to die what the fuck do i do how do I learn to be alone again. i have internship work which i enjoy but have been unable to do because i am just sleeping either in my bed eyes closed or i exist around the house frozen as if asleep with my eyes open and i do not know how to deal with it. i hate how locked up i feel right now but i also feel like if i go out i will not survive it why am i scared what am i even scared of

[kbrooks0806]

Internship Entry 8

Your overall reflections on the internship and your studies.

According to Moon (1999) and Deakin (2020), being able to reflect on experiences faced allows for a person to learn effectively on skills needed for particular scenarios and offers a significant benefit when experiencing similar events in the future.

Looking back on my journey at Holmesglen I really enjoyed every moment I was there! I created some quality friendships and relationships with a number of my peers, and I am hopeful that they will last into the future as we all share a passion for sport.

Reflecting on my classwork and time on campus however, I wish I had the opportunity to be in class more during my 1st and 2nd year (Covid affected), so I could ask more questions and have that extra level of exposure to industry opportunities. However, I am beyond happy and grateful with the opportunities that were presented to me in my 3rd and final year, and with the opportunity to intern at 2 incredibly generous organisations.

It is incredibly important to reflect wholly on an experience and as Purdue University (2021) alludes to, “putting multiple perspectives into play with each other in order to produce insight” is something I can effectively do given my time at the AGF and the Saints.

At the Amy Gillett Foundation I am really pleased with my time there, I learnt so much from both my fellow interns and from everyone at the organisation. Being at a workplace which worked so hard to provide a service in road safety, adds that extra level of satisfaction, and makes me feel like I was doing something that impacts people for generations, which I am proud of. Although I didn’t get to attend the Gran Fondo in person, I received compliments from everyone at the organisation as to how great and impactful my work was, and I am proud with that. Having the opportunity to work closely with Katie (Events) and Dan (CEO) allowed me to really strengthen my knowledge across multiple facets of event management and creating professional documentation for corporate partnerships and general professional sponsorship use. Having the guidance of someone like Dan Kneipp was incredible, and for him to be so generous with his time and trusting of me to do these important corporate partnership and presentation documents, I couldn’t be more grateful to him for taking a chance on me and providing me with a launchpad into the industry.

At the St Kilda Football Club, being able to experience what it was like being at a top tier sporting organisation was an incredible experience across the board. Heading into the internship I did have some experience and knowledge of HR as my mum is in that field however getting to work in contracts, awards, remunerations, and onboarding processes although somewhat repetitive, was extremely enjoyable and rewarding and I am now extremely confident with all of those processes. Also being in HR I got to work closely with majority of the organisation and created great relationships particularly with members of the marketing and finance teams. From my failed parking attempts in front of Ross Lyon to creating great relationships with my co-workers, I really enjoyed every second at the saints and I am extremely grateful to the organisation for welcoming me into such a well-respected and elite level organisation.

Something that will stick with me for a long time and something that I will reflect on, is what Dan from AGF said following my internship presentation, he said “its not about whether you think you deserve a job or if you would like to work somewhere, its whether you have done enough to impact on the organisation or workplace in a meaningful way and whether they would hire you.” This will be a constant reminder to work hard, and always challenge myself to push my capabilities further, especially in sport, where the everchanging landscapes demand flexibility and hard work in all aspects of the business.

I am also proud to say that I have been offered a role at both the Amy Gillett Foundation and the St Kilda Football club, and I can’t wait to get started in whichever role I choose in 2023!

It’s been a blast!

Kyle :)

Resources:

Deakin. (2020). Reflective Learning. https://www.deakin.edu.au/students/studying/study-support/academic-skills/reflective-learning#:~:text=Being%20a%20reflective%20learner%20allows,improving%20on%20your%20future%20performance.

Moon, J. (1999). Reflection in Learning and Professional Development. Routledge. Google Scholar.

Purdue University. (2021). The Purpose of Reflection - Why is reflection important in the writing classroom?. https://www.cla.purdue.edu/academic/english/icap/assessment/purpose.html

[phantomrose96]

chrissy advice please? 🥺 im in the middle of a small crisis over my career decisions, how did u choose software engineering and what is it like,, baby's first major switch and its scary

Ah okay so! I can talk about how I ended up switching majors and work and stuff.

When I was doing college apps, I wasn't totally sure what I wanted to major in. I knew I liked all of math, bio, chem, and physics, and I could kinda throw a dart at any one of them. But I was trying to think in terms of career prospects. I liked medical stuff, but didn't want to be a doctor, so I kinda bundled that in the direction of biomedical engineering and went with that in my college apps.

For a while that was my plan. The Dartmouth engineering tracks all share the same set of pre-reqs and intro-level classes before people branch off to take classes more specific to the field of engineering they're targeting. So by spring of my sophomore year I'd completed all the pre-reqs and shared-level courses and was picking out my schedule around specific upper-level bio engineering courses. (These were grad-level, technically, and needed instructor sign-off for you to enroll in the class.)

So I was just, sitting in the engineering building waiting for the professor to show up so I could request the instructor sign off to join the class. And it kind of occurred to me "hmm this is maybe my last chance to switch tracks if I want to."

I'd joked with my roommate before (chem major) frequently like "what if we both become English majors instead? Dance majors? German majors?" but only jokingly, and had stuck with biomed as a sort of "meh, why not?" and a "meh, what else?"

But since this was REALLY my last chance, I decided to pull up the engineering site's set of example major plans for the various engineering branches. I looked through like, mechanical engineering and went "meh, nah", and same for chemical engineering and civil engineering and whatever else there was.

Then I got to the example computer engineering major plan and I read through all the courses going "man I'd love to take that course if I had the free time". And when I realized I was doing that to EVERY course on the list I was like "hey wait a sec".

The general engineering track required we take a course in C, which I'd taken and really enjoyed and liked messing with in my free time. We used Matlab in various other course work and I was usually the odd man out in my friend group in that I actually LIKED using Matlab. I just, really fundamentally, liked Making Programs Do Stuff. And it really started to sink in how like, every bit of coursework where I'd happily done more with it in my own free time was all programming stuff.

I'd interned in a cancer research lab on campus my freshman summer (had a great time doing grunt work, but knew I didn't want to do what my post doc boss did as a profession). And the post doc who'd been my boss (her name was Abeer and she was great) happened to walk by at that time and asked what I was doing. So I used her as a sounding board and she helped me really solidify on the idea that this is what I wanted. It should have been obvious, but I was just so set in biomed because that's what I'd been answering with for years now.

Anyway so I kinda packed up my stuff and left the building being like "never mind I'm computer now."

This DID make me nervous in a long-run kind of way. I'd carefully planned out my major for the biomed track, and suddenly I was changing gears without a plan and I knew I was gonna be competing with people who'd taken CompSci courses since freshman year. (I'd not, at this point, even taken a real computer science course through the CompSci department, just the engineering course in C and some scattered Matlab knowledge.) But on the other hand I think this angle helped me in internship interviews by pushing the fact that I made a difficult switch because I was passionate about software. Though the imposter syndrome was a rough time.

Worked out surprisingly well. I only needed to throw my resume at two companies while seeking out an internship for the next year. And after five interviews and being flown to Washington state Microsoft said "yeah you" and I said "hooray thank you"

For industry experience, I can only really speak to Big Company experience (been working at Microsoft since I graduated). In terms of day to day, I'm very glad, and I made the right choice. The most frustrating elements come from working in a HUGE code ecosystem, where you have to be EXTREMELY diligent since any Little Whoopsie I make could bring down Microsoft Office if I'm not careful (of course, there are a lot of various fail safes and procedures around, but I would still cause a huge headache for a lot of people if I fuck something up and it drags things to a screeching halt, even if I don't break production itself).

The ramp-up is tough because there is a LOT to get under your thumb, and your skills tend to get pretty niche to serve the particular area and role your team attends to. Code writing can go very slow because it often feels like trying to work within the world's biggest jenga tower.

But as for positives: I still do feel I generally enjoy my work, even if I'm not banging out thousands of lines of code a day. I'm well-supported, well-treated, and well-compensated on a team that demonstrably supports their employees, not just in lip service. Software engineering in general is a super in-high-demand field, and once your foot is in the door it's easy to make yourself desirable. I'm not personally looking to hop jobs since I like my stability and where I am, but many other people hop jobs frequently within software since it's a way to pursue better pay.

In short: I hopped to software because I realized it was something I just genuinely enjoyed doing. (The hop did scare me because I was like "oh no im gonna be competing with Leet Gamers who've been coding since they were five". And while those people exist, they're not the majority.)

Software engineering in industry varies. If you go to a smaller company, you probably have a lot more leeway and a lot more rope to hang yourself with. So probably more fun and freedom but also way less stability and a much higher likelihood of biting off more than you can chew and not having guidance on how to actually do things well.

Big Company is sort of all that in reverse: much less freedom, much higher bar to do things correctly and air-tight, stability, a lot of more-senior engineers above you as mentors

[neoculturetravesty]

We met in online class - Part 6

Image adapted from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, some fluff, lots of angst in this part Warnings: Strong language, descriptions of stress and anxiety, fist fight Word Count: 7.7k

Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | You are on Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Last Part

A/N: Buckle up for some angst.

They say when it rains, it pours and Renjun was about to learn the true meaning of this expression.

Throughout his college life, Renjun had heard his share of praise from his professors who would tell him that he was gifted in a way not many artists were. But now that the career drives and job fairs had begun, Renjun learnt that at best, he was average. In the real world, he wasn’t ‘golden hands’ or gifted or anything like it--he was just one in a line of millions. Because in the bigger picture, Renjun’s competition was not just people in his school; he was competing with even better artists from even better universities that had even better skills and even better means. His design professor had very plainly told the class one day that out of all of them, maybe one or two would ‘make it’ in the real world, if they got lucky. So Renjun knew that if had to shut up anyone who ever doubted him, compete with the best and place anywhere solid by the time he graduated, he needed to land a stellar internship.

Not that his current internship was going any better. Renjun learnt that even small studios were a handful and that an internship basically meant being an errand boy. When he had taken on the job, he had fantasized about meeting exciting artists and maybe even helping the chief curate his best work yet. But more often than not, he found that he was sweeping the place down, and if he got lucky, he got to make a few calls to potential clients (who would yell at him before hanging up). 

And of course, like any self-respecting college that thrived on the student body’s mental health deterioration, the professors weren’t going any easier on the projects, even with the impending exams. 

On top of everything that was happening, Renjun had developed a constant tension in his neck and shoulders. Jaemin reckoned it was because Renjun was hunched over his paintings all the time as he followed the perfect lighting all over the apartment. You, on the other hand, reckoned it was because of all the stress.

“You’re just carrying a lot of anxiety on these gangster shoulders, Huang Renjun.” you had said as you kneaded your knuckles into his hurt one day as you brought him food. Lately, you had taken it upon yourself to make sure that Renjun was eating and staying hydrated through these pressure cooker times. Because when he was left to his own devices, eating would be pretty low on his priority list, simply because he did not have the time for meals. So you’d bring him a snack any time you saw him on campus, and when you didn’t see him, you’d get something delivered to him and if you couldn’t, you’d text him a reminder to eat. But as one would have it during end-of-semester madness, Renjun had received your food more than your company. Because truth be told, you were just as occupied.

Renjun hadn’t seen enough of you in what he was sure was now going to be a good two weeks running because you had way too much on your plate as well. Like Renjun, you too were swarmed by assignments and exams. But other than that, any time he did see you, you were ‘interview dressed’ for all the on-campus drives that were happening in your department. Renjun had come to wish you good luck on one of them and had seen how distracted you looked because apparently, you had pulled some all-nighters to prepare for this. Donghyuck had been the one to tell Renjun about this little bit. 

Because when you weren’t studying or giving interviews or working on projects, you were preparing to throw an end-of-semester party with Donghyuck. He had to admit, there had been moments where Renjun had been irritated that Donghyuck would know more about what was happening in your life than did he. But then again, who was to blame for that?

Renjun knew it was no one’s fault but his own. Because that’s the dumb precedent he had set from the very beginning--that he wouldn’t get too close. He was paying that price for it because somewhere along the way, you had begun to confide in Donghyuck more than in Renjun, though this development was gradual and subconscious. He supposed that since you had met him, some part of you had learnt that she was walking into a wall anytime things got deep with Renjun. And there are only so many times that people were willing to walk into walls before they learnt their lesson.

Renjun knew that you were always ready to provide emotional support. But he also saw that when you were the one that needed it, you were subconsciously turning to Donghyuck rather than to him. 

And because you weren’t doing so consciously, Renjun couldn’t even be upset with you. Who was he to be upset with you over it in the first place? He had spent all those weeks skillfully blocking you. So, just because he had changed his mind now didn’t mean that he could earn your vents right away. It would take some effort on his part and he acknowledged that.

But it wasn’t you hanging out with Donghyuck that bothered him. It was someone else.

Wong Hendery, it appeared, was always around you these days and for some reason, that really bothered Renjun. You had a lot of friends. You were just the kind of person who made friends wherever you went. His own friends were an example. Lately, any time he ran into his roommates in the living room or kitchen (since all of them were buried in work otherwise), they would inquire about you instead of him. You just made a lot of friends and that was a fact of life that Renjun lived with. And whilst so far, Renjun had been okay with all of them, he had no idea why seeing Wong Hendery around you made him feel some type of way. 

And in the strangest turn of events, he had even found himself subtly voicing this to you a couple of times. It had bothered him even more that you had never taken him seriously any time he brought it up. You had either been distracted or disinterested whenever this came up. Or perhaps you had very tactfully been avoiding the subject. You weren’t exactly the scheming type, so Renjun was sure it wasn’t that. All he knew was that at the end of it, he would just end up feeling stupid, because, well… it was a stupid, baseless feeling to have, whatever this was.

All in all, Renjun couldn’t tell what matter it was from the pillage that kept his mood sour these days. His failure in the job fairs, his increasing workload, the impending exams, his lackluster internship, or something else. He recognized that a big part of it had to do with not seeing you enough. He wasn’t going to be the idiot that denied that anymore. Since the party at your parent’s house, he hadn’t had a moment with you where it was just the two of you and you could talk about… well, the two of you. Not seeing you enough was making him sour, he knew that. However, not seeing you enough combined with the fact that Wong Hendery was around you all the time was probably pretty up there as a reason for his bad moods. 

The only upside in the end-of-semester times was that the damn virus seemed to be under control. Students could now more freely move about and a lot more cafes and parks had reopened. So, at the very least, Renjun could get a change of scenery whilst he painted or studied because he was getting tired of his apartment and the library and the damn studio. 

Today, he had just grabbed his things and sent you a very persuasive text, because really, enough was enough. Yes, you were both very busy. Yes, you didn’t have any time today. But you could at least give him one study date out in the sun, and finally, for the first time in two weeks, he had felt that happiness in his chest when you told him you’d come.

The two of you sat by the river as Renjun sketched and made notes and you typed away on your laptop. Your hair was done up in a bun and you wore the campus hoodie and you didn’t even look up from your work when Renjun leaned over to feed you some rice. It had made Renjun smile. You looked like every boy’s fantasy of a college girlfriend but thinking about it also made his heart a tiny bit heavy. Because after all this time, the two of you still hadn’t had that conversation. Come to think of it, the two of you hadn’t even kissed ever since that afternoon in the strawberry fields. And maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t sat with you like this in a couple of weeks, or maybe it was seeing you share your time with other people. But Renjun felt that he had to address the some elephant in the room sooner rather than later. Because he didn’t want a some relationship any longer. He wanted more.

“No one’s going to be happier than me when this semester is over.” you mutter as you chew onto whatever Renjun had fed you.

“You and me both. Let’s celebrate our freedom together when it ends.” Renjun suggests as he sits up to stretch his neck. 

“Done deal.” You look up from your laptop to give him a fist bump.

“Hey, I was thinking…” Renjun hesitates. “Let’s go somewhere together. After the semester is over.” He feels butterflies in his stomach even as he asks you that. And he knows why. Because this is the first time he’s asking you for a real date, where he wants to take you out for your company, no opportunistic strings attached. But also, he wants to take you away from everyone else where he would have all of your attention and he could finally tell you how he really feels.

You smile as you shuffle your notes. “Where do you wanna go?”

“Anywhere. We could go to the beach and go mudflat fishing. If that’s not your thing, we could go camping instead.”

You finally look at him and smile an undistracted, attentive smile. “I’d like that.”

Renjun looks at you softly as he returns your smile. “My exams end before yours. Let’s go right after your last exam.”

“Oh, I can’t go then.” You say, shaking your head quickly.

“Why?”

“Haechan and I are hosting the end-of-semester, remember?” you remind him and Renjun holds himself back before he could exhale over ‘Haechan and I’.

“Okay, how about the day after?” Renjun asks.

“I can’t go then, either. Hendery and I have to go visit the tower.” you tell him.

This time, Renjun can’t hold back. Because ‘Hendery and I’ was way, way worse than ‘Haechan and I’. Before he could stop himself, he finds himself commenting

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Wong Hendery, huh?” he hadn’t meant for that hint of accusation to lace his tone, but it had come out that way.

“Ughhhh, tell me about it. He says he’d basically be happy never seeing me again once all of this is over.” you say as you steal his bowl of rice and begin stuffing your face. Renjun feels that irritation again because as always, you seem to be blowing this topic off. But for some reason, he doesn’t want to let it go today.

“I just don’t trust him.” Renjun says and he finds himself clenching his jaw a little.

You look at him from above the rice and smile amusedly. “Why though? He’s a cool dude.”

“I don’t know. There’s just something about him. I just… I don’t know, I guess it’s a guy’s instinct.” he says, and like anytime he has brought up this subject before, he’s feeling incredibly dumb.

You raise an eyebrow and look away from him. You don’t seem very impressed by the comment. “Nah, he’s super cool and all of that. You can meet him if you like.” you say in a tone that is way too nonchalant for Renjun’s liking. 

He had met him before, of course. But he didn’t know Wong Hendery even if he did know Wong Hendery. So how could he tell you that the man was bad news based on just a feeling? ‘He’s using you! Why don’t you see that he’s using you!’ Renjun wanted to yell at you. But he says something else. 

“Just, like… I don’t know. He just seems mysterious and unsharing.” Renjun tries to explain.

“So are you.”

There is a moment of silence as Renjun feels a sting and you look at him with no expression. 

You were right. 

Renjun hadn’t shared anything about himself with you. The things you knew about him was information you had probably collected through his friends. The only time he had really opened up to you was that one night in his room. Suddenly, more than irritation, he feels angry with himself. 

What a stupid, stupid, stupid idea it had been to set those dumbass rules with you. How had he expected it would pan out? How did he think he could use you as a means to an end, but not learn anything about you or give away anything about himself? He hadn’t thought this through at all. Then again, he hadn’t expected for it to go on this long; and he most certainly hadn’t expected that he would end up falling for you.

“I just… I don’t trust him around you.” Renjun admits and this time, he has the decency to sound a little ashamed.

“I know how to take care of myself, Renjun.” you tell him quietly.

Renjun looks away because for the first time since he’s known you, you’ve spoken to him that way. He wants to scream and pull his hair because no. You don’t. You don’t know how to take care of yourself. How could he tell you that you weren’t the best judge of character? How could he tell you that you allowed people around you to take advantage of you? 

‘It’s why you’re sitting here with me’ Renjun thinks with another sting. He knew Hendery was up to no good with you because he himself had been one of those people that used you for their own gain. He had used your kind heart and your willingness to see the good in people for his own stupid plan. The stupid, dumbass, flawed plan that he hadn’t thought through in the slightest. He had thought he had, because Renjun always assumed he was smarter than everyone in any room. That was probably his dumbest yet most defining trait; as kindheartedness was yours.

As if to add insult to injury, your phone rings and Wong Hendery’s name shines cockily onto your screen, mocking Renjun in all its glory.

“Hey, are you here?” you say as you pick up. You look around till you spot him and wave at him “Okay, coming!”

Renjun looks to where you had signaled and sees Hendery in his bigass car. He notices Renjun looking, waves at him and smiles. 

Renjun’s eyes close and he takes in a deep breath as you begin collecting your things. He doesn’t know why he’s being this way. He had been jealous before; he was an openly bitter person, that much he knew about himself. He despised every other asshole that did better than him. But this was a kind of jealousy he had never really experienced before. He wanted to protect you, but he also wanted to keep you… because now, he could feel you slipping away from him. 

“I’ll call you, okay? Make sure you eat dinner.” your voice sounds a little resigned and suddenly, Renjun feels his heart drop. It’s a strange feeling, but there it is in the pit of his stomach. Renjun realizes that the feeling really closely resembled fear. And it’s because you’re leaving like this. 

Had this been your first fight? Maybe it had. It hadn’t felt like a fight, because Renjun has fought with a lot of people before, and this was nothing like that. There was no screaming, no gaslighting, no accusations. But it was the tone you had taken with him. Like you were disappointed. Like you expected better. You had never taken that tone with him before. So as you stand up to walk away, Renjun grabs your hand. He looks up from where he sits.

“Hey…” his heart is sinking, he has this awful feeling in his chest and now he no longer knows what to say to keep you. So he brings your knuckles to his lips and presses into them for a few moments before he looks back at you. “Are we good?” He wants to kiss you, he wants to take you in his arms and kiss you and know that nothing has changed. But he knows that Wong Hendery is sitting right there and he doesn’t want you to think that he’s putting on a show of jealous, testosterone fueled possession. 

He watches as your face softens. You crouch so your face is levelled with his. You keep holding your bag that’s slung over your shoulder with one hand. With the other, you gently hold onto his cheek and lean in to press a soft kiss to his lips. 

“We’re good.” you say and you smile and then you lift back up to turn around.

Renjun watches unmoving as you walk away from him and drive off with Wong Hendery. He keeps watching till the car makes a turn and disappears from view.

Though you had told him that you were good, that sinking feeling hasn’t left his chest. Because Renjun realizes that what you had done had felt a lot like a goodbye kiss.

Renjun doesn’t get time to dwell on his aching heart too much, because soon after, exams begin. 

It is as if a lull had taken over the entire campus. Everyone around him had their heads down as they studied and slept and slept to study. Jeno and Jaemin had taken over the living room table as they crammed and kept each other awake through their all-nighters. Jisung would try to take some motivation from them but the boy had never been too fond of studying, so he’d end up asleep on the couch whilst Jeno and Jaemin took the floor. Even Donghyuck--who had insofar made it through college based on pure intelligence--could be seen bent over his notes in the library. For a week, each student on campus had a similar schedule; like someone had hit the pause button on everything else in life.

Perhaps it had been the exam stress. Perhaps it was everything that was happening culminating in Renjun’s mind, but that sinking feeling hadn’t completely dissipated from his chest. He had no way to explain what it was or why it was. But if Renjun had to describe it, it was as if a sixth sense was warning him. What the warning was about, he had no idea.

But as fate would have it, Renjun’s hardships were only beginning. Because right before his first exam, he had received a call from his mother. 

He had picked up because this had been maybe her third phone call to him this entire year. But two minutes into the call, Renjun wished he hadn’t. 

Questions were asked as if out of duty: if he was still in school, if he was still living with his friends, if he was looking for a job. And though Renjun hadn’t even asked for it--how she couldn’t send him money for the next couple of months because the Covid situation wasn’t doing any wonders for their restaurant. Although the conversation hadn’t even lasted a full 10 minutes, Renjun’s mind was fully fucked by the end of it. Why the fuck did she have to play with his head like this, just when he was about to go in for an exam? 

He shouldn’t have been surprised. His mother had a way of sensing any time her son was emotionally strained, because she would always show up right on time to add to his burden. This is how it had been most of his life. She would appear usually when Renjun was at his lowest and remind him that he was a useless fucker that nobody cared about. And because she was his mother, she knew exactly what buttons to press to positively fuck him over. 

Fuck this. None of it was fair. It wasn’t fair that she had called him after months and months. It wasn’t fair that she didn’t even want to know how he was doing. A global pandemic had turned the world upside down and she didn’t even want to know if her son was surviving through it. She just wanted to call to give him another reminder that she couldn’t take care of him. Fuck that. Fuck her. Fuck everything. Renjun didn’t need her or his father or anyone else ever again. Fuck all of it.

Renjun had hung up bitterly and that should’ve been the end of it. But for some reason, she had kept calling after that, which made Renjun throw his phone against a wall. Fuck that. She doesn’t get to call him to rub more salt to his wounds. He wasn’t going to give her that satisfaction.

It’s funny how when you’re truly feeling fucked, you tend to isolate yourself from the people who really care about you. And that’s what Renjun ended up doing following that phone call. Almost as if in self-sabotage, he started avoiding everyone and hid himself away. Because no way did anyone really need him, anyway. Renjun knew that even in his friend group, he was the one the others could do without.

Jeno and Jaemin had one another. They would babysit Jisung well enough, and when they didn’t, Jisung had Zhong Chenle. His housemates didn’t really need him, so hiding from them was easy. Lately, he had also stopped hanging out with Yangyang because he was afraid he’d run into Hendery. Lee Mark hadn’t really hung out with him ever since he joined the 127s. And Donghyuck… well, he had you. 

So even you could do without him. You had been doing just fine without him these past couple of weeks. You had still been bringing him snacks, even after that study date. But Renjun wondered if that was because of your bad, kind habit rather than anything else. Truth be told, Renjun didn’t want your snacks anymore. Because each time he got them, it reminded him that he was nothing special to you. He wasn’t any different to you than Jaemin or Jeno or Donghyuck. He was just another guy that you were kind to out of habit. Fuck that. He didn’t need your kindness, or anyone else’s. He was fine on his own.

But on the night after his last exam, he finally picked up the phone he had thrown and read his messages through his cracked phone screen. Just to see if someone missed him. As expected, no one did. But there were some messages from you.

‘Hey shoulder gangster, remember to put on pain patches before you sleep!’

‘I ordered some chicken for you guys, eat well and study well.’

‘Hey, I tried calling you. I had gotten you coffee, but I couldn’t find you so now hyuckie is drinking it.’

‘Ayo. I hope your exam went well. Sending some Chinese food over, so eat before you study!’

‘Hey, Jaemin told me your phone is busted. Idk if you’re gonna see this message, but just wanted to know you’re doing well.’

‘I tried to see you before you went in for your exam but Jeno said you had already left.’

‘Hey… I hope you’re not still upset with me. I’m gonna stop bothering you so we can both study, but I’ll come see you soon.’

‘Okay, I guess i’ll see you after exam week? Meet soon.’

That was the last of it. After that, you hadn’t sent him anything at all. Even you had stopped reaching out to him. 

It seemed that when it came down to it, no one would ever fight for Renjun. No one would want to find out why he was in hiding, or why he hadn’t replied. When worst came to worst, Renjun was always left to fend for himself. He was all alone in this world. 

Jeno and Jaemin would always know what the other was feeling without having to use the words. Neither of them had to explain to the other what was on their mind. They just… knew. When one was in trouble, the other would come running. When one was down, the other would pick him up. Neither had to ask; the other would just sense it and be there. Jisung and Chenle had a similar connection. 

But no one ever sensed Renjun’s heart. No one just knew when he was sad or upset or angry or in trouble. No one would pick him up because no one loved him enough to know his mind. No one had ever paid any real attention to him to know when he was struggling. No one had ever held his hand and taken him out of his despair. No one would even notice that he was in despair. Because he wasn’t anyone’s special anything. 

He had been hiding away for an entire week and no one had even noticed his absence. No one had called in to check on him. Because no one really needed him. Not his friends, not his family. Not even you.

They say when it rains, it pours, and Renjun was about to learn the true meaning of this phrase. Because just when he is about to put his phone away, he receives a text from his mother.

‘Renjun, I didn’t want to tell you this way. But you’re not picking up my calls. Come see me. Your father and I are getting a divorce.’

Renjun had never really been a big drinker. He’d drink some with the boys every now and then. But that was it. But tonight was an exception. Tonight, it was okay to turn to the drink. Tonight, he wanted to forget.

After the kind of day he had had, he thought that even his demons could give him a break. He felt drained. Like his mind was slowly giving up and his body was doing all the heavy lifting. Putting one foot in front of the other. Making him breathe in and out. Keeping his heart beating. It would be doing his mind a favor, drinking. His mind needed numbing, then maybe his body could follow.

He walks into the bar a broken man. And he wonders if that’s how all men are when they walk into bars. Maybe that’s why men who walk into bars make such good punchlines for jokes. He certainly felt like one. Because the people that should love him seemed to treat him like one. Who was he to think any better of himself?

He had made peace with the fact that his parents never wanted him. He had accepted that they were happy to get rid of him. Then why did he still expect their love every single time? What was it that made him go running to them any time they asked? Why had he expected that somehow visiting them would fix everything? 

Had he expected that they would sit him down and peacefully explain why they were parting ways? Of course, he hadn’t. Had he expected that his mother would cry and apologize for putting him through this? Of course, he hadn’t. Had he expected that his father would own up to his mistakes and call him his son? Of course, he hadn’t.

But he also hadn’t expected that neither of them would want anything to do with him after they parted ways. He hadn’t expected to be the collateral damage of a failed marriage that neither party was willing to own. He hadn’t expected to be summoned just so his parents could have a screaming match about whose son he’d be after they divorced. And that both would want to shift that burden to the other.

It suited them, Renjun thinks as he downs whatever the bartender had handed him. It would’ve been more unsettling to have made the trip to find something understanding and amiable. This was on-brand for them. This is how it had been since he was a child. They’d fight and Renjun would be collateral damage. This was the perfect ending to their twenty-one year old saga. Renjun had expected it.

So, why was he feeling like he had lost everything?

“Huang Renjun?” he hears a voice call out to him as if from miles away. Was he drowning? Then why did he feel like he couldn’t breathe? Why did the voices around him sound like they were coming from far away?

“Yoo Jimin.” Renjun finds himself automatically answering. He looks up and let’s his eyes focus and there he finds her. He smiles. Of course. Who else would’ve been the guest of honor in his pity party?

“What are you doing here?” she asks him and Renjun finds himself making a face.

“Drinking.” he says as he lifts up his shot glass.

“Did you follow me here?” she asks cryptically. Typical. Of course everything had to be about her.

“How would I know you’d be here?” Renjun says, looking away as he downs another shot.

“I told everyone at the party I was leaving to be here.” she says and her eyebrow is cocked as she comes closer.

“Party?” 

“Haechan’s party? All your friends were there. Weren’t you there?” she asks cautiously.

Ah, yes, the party. The end-of-semester party. Here he was, drinking his pain away. And his friends, the people who should be concerned about him were partying. It was all very fitting he supposed. This perfectly fit into everything in his life at this moment. Including the fact the Yoo Jimin had been the one to find him when he was at his lowest.

“I didn’t feel like a party.” Renjun replies.

Jimin scoffs. “Typical. Of course Huang Renjun thinks he’s above a party everyone would enjoy.”

Renjun doesn’t answer. It’s an annoying remark and part of him wonders why it is irking him so. His heart was burdened by bigger things. Perhaps his mind thought that being annoyed at Yoo Jimin was an easier emotion to address. This was an emotion he understood. It was an emotion he could process right away. So he turns to her and finds her sitting on the stool next to him.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, because really. Why is she here, talking to him, sitting next to him?

“Oh, don’t worry, Renjun. I’m only waiting for someone.” she says, rolling her eyes and flipping her hair.

“You can wait for someone over there.” Renjun points to a place far away with his glass.

“Okay, you don’t have to be an asshole. I just came in to see why you were drinking alone while all your friends are at that party.” she says and now more than agitation, Renjun feels anger.

“Why do you care if I drink alone, anyway? You’re the one that broke up with me.” he spits out.

“Renjun, seriously, what is your problem? I’m only trying to be nice to you. You don’t have to come for me like that.” Jimin’s eyebrows are high on her forehead as she matches Renjun’s tone.

“Well, thanks a lot, Yoo Jimin. Thank you for your gift of empathy, but I don’t really need it. Not after everything you did to me.”

“Renjun! Seriously, what is it that I did to you? What did I do to you?” she raises her voice in agitation.

“Well, other than abandoning me? Pretending that you were happy with me then pulling the rug from under my feet and breaking up with me? Not even waiting a month before moving on?” Renjun spits venom right back. Who did she think she was, coming here and speaking to him like that?

“Jesus Christ, Renjun. Would you listen to yourself? Does it ever occur to you that you could’ve been the asshole in this relationship? That maybe I broke up with you because you were the jerk?” Jimin’s face is contoured as she yells at him. It’s good that the bar is relatively full, otherwise this could’ve been a scene.

“I was nothing but nice to you. I treated you so well and you treated me like dirt!” Renjun hisses.

“Renjun, that’s your problem! You only see the faults in others and never in yourself! But you’re not ready for that conversation, so let’s not have it!” she yells and turns away from him, crossing her arms over her chest.

“No, no, by all means, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about all the times I mistreated you, please.” Renjun mocks. He was already too used to being gaslighted by his parents. Jimin could join that club. This was already the worst day of his life. It couldn’t possibly get any worse.

“Renjun, this! This right here. You never respected me. You never treated me like an equal. With you, I always felt like some stupid, airheaded trophy. I always felt like everything I wanted was superficial and shallow and not worth anything!”

“And whose fault is that.” Renjun laughs darkly.

“Renjun, you can’t even see what you’re doing! You just think you’re so much better than everyone else! You think everyone around you is a degenerate and that you’re the smartest person to ever walk this earth. I can’t believe I let you treat me that way for so long.” Jimin’s hands go from balling into fists to animatedly helping her point. “Renjun, I wanted to be a model for the longest time. But I didn’t, because of you! Because every time I’d post a picture on my Instagram, you’d tell me it was because I love getting validation from strangers. Every time an agent reached out to me, you’d tell me how showing off my looks wasn’t going to be a long lasting career. You just never respected me or my aspirations. Because all of them were so beneath Mr. Intellectual.”

Renjun turns away. He pours himself another shot and downs it. He didn’t want a lecture. Who was she to show up like this and give him a lecture unprovoked? 

“If it weren’t for Jongin, I would’ve believed everything you ever said to me. That people would only like me for my looks. That what I wanted to do was superficial and shallow and that I would never amount to anything if I followed my heart.” she goes on and Renjun has had enough.

“Save it, Jimin. We’re broken up now, so what does it matter?” he doesn’t look at her. She could yell at him all she wanted. He wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.

“I only came to you because I saw you drinking alone. And I know that’s not like you. I just wanted to see if you’re okay.” her voice has lowered significantly, but the agitation hasn’t left her tone. Renjun wonders if she has more to say, because he certainly doesn’t want to listen to any more.

“Well, that’s very kind of you, but I’m fine on my own.” he says coldly, still not looking at her.

Jimin sighs. “Renjun, when will you realize that the whole world isn’t out to get you? I know your family isn’t perfect. But you’ve got friends that care about you. You’ve got people around you that love you. If only you could stop being an asshole to them for one hot minute and see that.”

Renjun still doesn’t turn. Because she doesn’t know anything. She doesn’t know his life. She doesn’t know how alone he feels. She doesn’t know jackshit about what he goes through, what he has been going through. Who is she to comment on his life and stand there like that and lecture him? She didn’t know anything. Fuck her for making him feel like he was the asshole. The world was taking a giant dump on him, and she was making him feel like he was the asshole. Fuck that.

She grabs her purse and gets off the stool. “I’ve got to go now. I just hope you feel better. Whatever it is that you’re going through. Please don’t go through it alone, Renjun.” she says before she walks away.

Renjun feels a lump in his throat. How could he not go through it alone? Who was going to be by his side? No one. So what use were his tears? He wouldn’t let them fall. He swallows that lump away, and when it doesn’t work, he takes another shot. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He could just go home and sleep. Maybe that would work. The alcohol wasn’t numbing anything. It was just making him more bitter, but for more reasons than what he had come in with.

So he finds himself walking home. Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out. Keeping his heart beating.

He felt so alone. Was he the loneliest man in the world? He could bet money that he was. No one knew what he was going through. And that’s what made him feel most abandoned. But then again. Fuck that. He didn’t need anyone. What good were friends anyway? Friendships really meant nothing. Renjun finally realized that what he had were not friends, but connections. Because at the end of the day, that’s what this goddamn college life was all about. Making as many connections as you possibly could, so you could reap advantages from them later on life. All of his relationships were opportunistic. And realizing this was giving him the worst headache of his life. Like all the alcohol was thrumming in his head and blinding him.

He arrives at his doorstep, punches in his code, walks in and freezes at what he sees. 

Jeno, Jaemin, Jisung, Donghyuck, Zhong Chenle and you were all in the living room, drinking and eating and laughing. None of them had even noticed that Renjun had walked in. Because they were all too busy bellowing together. 

Suddenly, Renjun feels his blood boiling hot in his veins. How dare they. How dare they look like one big happy fucking family right in front of him. Renjun pushes back all emotions he’d been feeling and holds onto one: red hot burning anger. He heads in.

“Hey, hey! Look who’s finally back!” Donghyuck says mid-laughter as he finally notices him. “Come join us because Mark is passed out on your bed, by the way.” he laughs but his smile slowly fades as he watches Renjun’s expression. 

“You okay, man?” Jeno asks slowly.

The others slowly start reading his energy as well because his demeanor has gotten everyone’s attention. Renjun wants to pick a fight. He wants to fight with all of them for not being there for him. But he looks around for an easy target. Someone he can direct all his ruthless anger towards. And his eyes zero in on you.

“What are you doing here?” Renjun asks you urgently. Like you’ve done something wrong. 

“I just got you some food. We all thought we’d eat with you since you didn’t come to the party.” you say and you get up smiling and take Renjun’s wrist “Come, sit.”

But Renjun roughly snatches his hand away from your grip, making you look up suddenly. Your eyes are round, but you don’t look angry. You perhaps look shocked, but mostly concerned. And that makes Renjun want to hurt you more.

“You can’t just show up here unannounced. I didn’t invite you here.” Renjun spits at you.

“Hey man, easy. We invited her.” Donghyuck gets up and puts himself between the two of you. 

“Well, this is not your house, either! You can’t just invite her without asking me.” Renjun scowls at the boy.

“Renjun, I just got you some food. I just wanted to make sure you had eaten.” you say gently, stepping up from behind Donghyuck to speak to him.

“Y/N, you are not my girlfriend. So stop acting like it.” Renjun snaps and he finally watches the hurt he wanted to see on your face. He also sees Jisung’s scared expression and Jaemin’s disappointed one.

“I…” you begin “... I know… I just… I came here with the guys… I…” you begin, but Renjun yells again.

“You need to leave. You can’t just show up whenever you want.” Renjun continues and takes a step forward but Donghyuck holds a protective arm in front of you. Whoop-dee fucking doo. Now his friends thought he was some sort of a savage. 

“No, Y/N, you shouldn’t leave.” He says then turns to his friend. “Dude, what is your problem?” But Renjun keeps attacking you.

“These people are not your friends, okay? They are my friends. You’re crossing a line and you need to leave right now.” Renjun loves the reactions he’s getting. He loves that he has provoked every single person in the room. Because Jaemin has gotten up and taken your hand protectively whilst Jeno has joined Donghyuck in blocking you from his view.

“Hey, man. Easy.” Jeno warns. Jisung and Chenle watch this strange confrontation with worried looks on their faces, eyes darting between him and the others. Renjun can’t believe it. All his friends were protecting you. All of them. He was the fucking monster in this room, too. 

“Renjun, I just… I just came here to see you.” you say, but there’s no accusation in your tone. Just annoying, tiresome understanding. He fucking hates it and all his friends can see that he does.

After everything he had been through, after all his life was putting him through, he was the asshole, he was the monster once again. 

Well, then. If everyone thought him a monster, he should become it completely.

“Y/N.” Renjun laughs as he looks away. Then he looks at you with that sinister smile still on his face. “Y/N, the only reason I’ve kept you around for so long is because I wanted to get to your brother. So you can leave now.”

That did it. 

Because Donghyuck’s eyes have closed as he stands in front of you and Jeno’s eyes have widened. Jaemin just looks shocked as he holds onto your hand. As do Jisung and Chenle. But you.

Your face has hardened. He doesn’t see shock or disappointment or the kind of reaction that would’ve given him full satisfaction. He sees your stone face as you finally say something with a hint of venom in your tone.

“Well, in that case, Renjun, you’ve been wasting your time. Because I got you a slot with my brother right after our first date.”

Renjun stands speechless. 

He would’ve remained speechless if you hadn’t pushed past Jeno and him and headed straight for the door.

“Y/N!” Donghyuck calls out and goes after you. Renjun watches the others. Jaemin and Jisung have looked away and he sees nothing but pure disappointment on their faces. Jeno, on the other hand, is looking straight at him. Renjun looks back. Good. He wants everyone to hate him. This was exactly right. 

He hears Donghyuck barge back into the apartment as the door bangs shut behind him. 

“Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?!” He yells and Renjun finds himself shoving the boy, pushing him so he wasn’t in his space.

“What’s wrong with me? Please, Donghyuck. Don’t even pretend like you haven’t been using her the same way I’ve been. You’re not any better.” Renjun punctuates the last bit with another shove and Donghyuck grabs at his collar and roughly pulls him by it. Before it can escalate, Jeno and Jaemin rush forward to break the two of them apart. Jeno grabs onto Renjun, Jaemin onto Donghyuck, prying him off and creating some distance between the two. Jisung and Chenle look from the couch, mouths hanging open, visibly distressed.

“You didn’t have to do that, man. You didn’t have to be an asshole to her.” Donghyuck accuses as he tries to free himself from Jaemin’s grip and come face to face with Renjun again.

Renjun laughs bitterly. “Well, now that I have been, you can have her. Live your happy fucking life.” Renjun spits at him and he gets the reaction he was looking for because it makes Donghyuck lunge at him once again, making Jaemin tighten his grip and pull him back.

“What is wrong with you? You fucking asshole! Why do you think everyone’s out to get you? Stop acting like a little bitch and start acting like a man for once!” Donghyuck shouts and that does it. 

Renjun feels his headache blinding him. And yet, he doesn’t know how he frees himself from Jeno’s grip. But before he knows it, he has balled his hand into a fist and aimed it straight for Donghyuck’s face.

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