#I diagnose her disaster gay and mentally ill

[paperglader]

I’m a little obsessed with hsr’s mc so far cause she literally only has two modes:

1) imma smack you with this cone thing I just found

And

2) Literal wet dog. Dead in the eyes. Just done with everybody else’s shit from minute 0. Got dumped in the middle of a spaceship with no memories, no past or explanation, and now everyone’s trying to kill her at every turn. Just straight up not having a good a time.

+ she has a girlfriend

(She’s actually really funny too, and snarky, but I’m too lazy to find those screenshots)

Edit: I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT SHE HAS LIKE A BOMB IN HER CHEST. So. Like, the whole thing makes sense if you think about it.

[jaxsteamblog]

Let’s talk about fanfiction, wish fulfillment, and self inserts.

Specifically, I’d like to talk about my fanfiction.

This is a long post, so I’ll put it under the cut.

But TL;DR: If you take the advice and write what you know, you might end up with some Mary Sues, Self Inserts, and Wish Fulfillment. And That’s Okay.

I always forget that my entire life isn’t up for viewing to the general public. Weird, I know, but I have a problem with reality. Anyway, I want to explore something about my writing that might help out other writers. Especially ones who are just starting out.

I’ve been writing for a long time. Well, sorta. 

Growing up, I didn’t have the best home life. So, like most traumatized children from the suburbs, I retreated into books. I remember reading Pullman’s “His Dark Materials” trilogy and wishing I could find another world like Will. I started reading Poe at 11 and found a place where pain had meaning. The "Old Kingdom” series made me realize women could wield power.  Harry Potter came later, and suffering became a potential for something greater. 

But in high school, I found anime and cartoons. 

My friends were tearing through Gundam smut before I even knew what Sailor Moon was. But I was quickly brought up to speed. And I fell head over heels in love with Vampire Hunter D.

Oof, what gay, non-binary messed up white kid didn’t love VHD?

I really wanted to be a part of something magical and be someone that mattered. I wanted to be special and important.

And in 2004, at the tender age of 15, I started writing fanfiction. You can read the fics that survived the Great Cringe Purge here under my early pen name Nicolai Reh. How cringe is cringe? I took my first boyfriend’s last name.

And guess what? Natalie, Annia, and Spider are all MARY SUE SELF-INSERTS.

I can’t explain how badly I wanted to be loved. How I wanted to prove I could do something great. At that point in my life, everyone was telling me how worthless I was and there were already doubts that I would graduate high school. It was devastating. But I knew who I was on the inside! (At the time.) And guess what? I was amazing enough for someone like D to love!

I wasn’t on the internet much during this time and I’m thankful for that. The cringe shame didn’t soak into me until I was in my 20s and that was mostly the usual stage many 20 year-olds go through on their own. I wanted to be a Real Writer.

I started writing two “serious” novels that I hid and rewrote constantly over the next ten years. (From high school into my 20s.)

“Serenity” was about a woman who falls in love with a vampire, only to have him betray her after he slaughters her town and she spends years hunting him down. At one rewrite, she ends up being sent to the future by two of the vampire’s fledglings. Here you can see I was super into Anne Rice and Samurai Jack.

There was another story whose title is long gone. It’s about a woman who is given god-like powers to create a new world after she and her fiance are victims of a hate crime. But she ends up obsessing over it and by the time she goes back to the “real” world, her fiance thinks she’s dead and has moved on with his life, having a wife and child. This one was mostly to sate my horrific love of world-building. I created a really great world!

And yeah, self-insert Mary Sues with CLEAR wish fulfillment. Both women are pursued by a character that is thematically the same and I even gave him the same name. 

The chemistry never worked out, and it wouldn’t be until I was in my late 20s that I figured out why. The woman protag was my self-insert, to a point. The male was my closeted gender identity that I was desperately seeking but also denying.

Point? Writing taps into our psyche. Professional writers, I’m assuming, are able to use their craft to create stories that can be separated from them. But I will bet money their early works are about them working through their own internal mess. 

When I finally started to get back into writing, it was after I had my child. I was 21, homeless, and just started to go to college. I wrote a novel in 2010 that I attempted to publish online in 2017 but, it’s personal.

You can see some of my original work under another early pen name: Lizaveta Demarkus

It includes the first two chapters of “Lucid.”

Having a kid, going to school, and then getting into the most emotionally devastating romantic relationship of my life destroyed my ability to write. I tried to do NaNoWriMo, but it never really worked out.

Then I met my friend, who we’ll call Smol Fury because that’s her nickname.

We love Avatar: The Last Airbender and we would talk shit all the time about it. We both shipped Zutara, but most of our conversations were about plot holes and the disaster that was Korra. 

There I am, heartbroken, living with my parents, newly diagnosed with a series of mental illnesses. I was alone and I was lonely. I was struggling with coming out as non-binary and transmasc.

I remembered my old writing and I flipped through the binder with pages printed out almost twenty years ago. 

I had lost a lot of joy. A lot. I couldn’t write a novel in this stage. I couldn’t think critically enough to think about inciting incidents and mapping out plot points. Foreshadowing, world-building, show don’t tell, said versus shouted; there were a million arguments to be had in creative writing. 

So I wrote about Zuko loving Katara. I gave Zuko the personality from that one male character from my youth and I made him once again have to pursue a broken woman who couldn’t face the truth. I didn’t have to worry about world-building because it was already done. I could just focus on the emotions.

To anyone just starting out, please don’t take the trite criticisms to heart. My main series, the one that keeps me up at night because I ache over it, it’s not that great. It’s not that popular. But I love it because I’m finally, FINALLY getting the words out. I’m finally working through the pain I tried to articulate in 2004. 

If you write because it’s a story you want to read but can’t find, do it. 

If you write because you want someone like Zuko to love you, you have the right to fall in love.

If you write because you want someone like Katara to love you, get in line.

If you want to be the most OP, broken, Mary Sue, multi-bender who rivals all the Avatars combined, go for it!

You are not the only one who wants a story like that. Every story, after all, shows us that we’re not alone. 

I’m not Pullman or Nix or R*wling (thank christ) or Poe but I am a regular person that goes through similar things as a bunch of other people. I write what I know and what I want.

Don’t let anyone stop you from doing the same. 

Please keep writing.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #98

“white trash, get down on your knees.”

have you ever lied to a person of authority? what did you say? i mean, i've lied to my parents. and i don't know, multiple things that don't immediately come to my head. are your eyebrows darker than your hair? yeah. what do you prefer, lasagna or spaghetti and meatballs? spaghetti w/ meatballs. i don't like lasagna because of the cheese. are all your pets micro chipped? no, but they have tags. would you ever cope in a jail? NO. i would be depressed out of my SENSES. have you ever seen an alligator in person? in zoos as well as the wild. when hurricane floyd like ruined everything, the zoo flooded and was essentially destroyed. apparently, an alligator got out, because i saw one in the ditch once shortly after the hurricane. that zoo was never rebuilt. do you live across from a corn field? no, but i once lived across from a tobacco field. welcome to nc. how long have you been tattooed? if you’re not, do you want to get tattooed?  i got my first for my 18th birthday, so a few years. are you a liberal?  not mostly, but i have some liberal traits, ex. i support gay marriage. were you fearless or a coward in the face of the child hunter in "chitty chitty bang bang?" i'm pretty sure he scared me. i don't remember much about the movie. did you ever hit anything while learning to drive?  i literally almost immediately hit a curb lol. jeff foxworthy, bill engvall, ron white, or larry the cable guy? i enjoy them all, but jeff's gotta top the list. have you or a pet ever gotten a tapeworm? no. i would rather die than get one. i am deathly afraid of internal parasites. do you know any furries? yes. i once lived with two of 'em. do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc)  yes. more than anything, i worry about what my job situation is going to be like. do you snore? steal the covers? roll around in your sleep? I STEAL THE FUCK OUT OF COVERS is the lion the best character in "the wizard of oz?"  i actually like the scarecrow. would you immediately look for someone right after you broke up with your bf/gf? no. it just doesn't seem... right. if you became a doctor, would you help your patients kill themselves? no. just. no. do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING? no. do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? only sara and connie. have you ever tried to learn another language? how did it go? i took four years of german, and i got to the point where i was pretty fluent. it's atrophied all to hell though. have you ever shared a house with a significant other? an apartment, yes. do you have a crush on anyone? tell me about them. i'm dating whom i have a crush on. have you ever had something signed by someone famous? what and who? no. i think. does your father have any facial hair? he has a van dyke beard/mustache. have you ever felt like you were making a mistake when dating someone? oh boy, have i. did you continue the relationship or end it when you realized? ended it. do you think you look similar to your siblings? we have some similarities. ex., we all have the same shade of brown hair naturally. have you ever played cards against humanity? did you like it? oh my actual god, one time when i was at colleen's, we did as a family. we all had a couple drinks, so it was funnier than it should've been. closest i have EVER been to peeing myself. however, it's not as funny with subsequent plays, because you know what cards to expect. do you know anyone who’s lived through a natural disaster? yeah, me and many family members and friends. hurricanes are a common occurrence in nc. how many brothers/sisters do you have? two immediate sisters, one half-brother, three half-sisters. are you lactose intolerant? no. would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?  dude i am the weirdest mix of both lol. how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. they are wonderful ways of expression. i just find some piercings aesthetically pleasing on certain people, while tattoos are how you can easily paint the picture of your life on yourself. list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. i've only been to one, and that was alice cooper. it was very fun, despite thunderstorming the whole time. have you ever been on drugs for anxiety, depression, mental illness? i have been since the 6th grade and i still am. do you like green apples?  only if they're crisp. have you ever had a guinea pig for a pet? yes. squeak, harry potter, snickers, and one other whose name i've forgotten... do you shop at hot topic? yes. have you ever studied any new age or occult religions such as wicca?  no, but they intrigue me, especially wicca. would you rather be a boy or girl?  a girl. do you prefer to be around introverted or extroverted people?  introverted. not trying to generalize here, but i find they tend to be more insightful. what do you think makes you a good girlfriend or boyfriend? i'm devoted and loyal as fuck, very loving, and will emotionally support a partner through thick and thin. what do you think makes you a bad girlfriend or boyfriend? one, my anxiety and insecurity. i've also never encountered this situation before, but i honestly feel that i'd get pretty jealous if he ever hung out with another girl platonically, because i'm immensely paranoid. like do not get me wrong, i wouldn't prevent him from doing it, i'd just be very worried. an issue i'm sure a lot of people would have with me is the fact i'm a pretty big prude. has anyone written a song or a piece of poetry about you? yeah. but i can virtually guarantee he used it on other girls. how many drinks does it take for you to become drunk?  i wouldn't know, considering i've never been drunk. i was relatively tipsy after four bottles of very mild alcohol, though. do you admire brutal honesty?  sometimes. other times it is completely unnecessary. what is your party trick? hiding out in the background somewhere, playing with your pet. <-- THIS haha <<< SAME if you had a mental disorder, what would it be? i'm diagnosed with chronic depression, general anxiety & social anxiety, ptsd (which i think i'm recovered from), and i've heard both bipolar ii and borderline personality disorder. do you think the "paranormal activity" movies were scary? no. i actually liked them. do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? i'm honestly very passive, so aggressive. the last time you drank with someone else or more than one person who was in the worst shape? chelsea always is. she takes two bottles of light alcohol and she's vomiting lol. what would you say is the worst part of high school, period? you're going through it in arguably the biggest time of your life. you are constantly changing and developing and going through so much mentally. you're still figuring out who you want to be. not to mention, you're expected to make huge decisions, all the while still having to ask to go to the bathroom. you have so much responsibility just all of the sudden while your brain is morphing a lot. are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? no. too much responsibility. not to mention they try to get into everything; you can't turn away for two seconds. what is the worst name a friend has ever called you? do you remember? probably just "bitch" or something along the line. no friend has ever called me one to my face, but i can literally guarantee some have. ACTUALLY. to my face, i was called a martyr by my ex's friend after the break-up. and i'm certain he didn't mean it as in "you'd die for your beliefs," he meant it as in "hey you pretend it's the apocalypse to get sympathy."  which is entirely fucking untrue about me. that honestly hurt a lot and it still sticks with me. it honestly made me more uncomfortable to express my feelings. do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? i can't stand colleen's mom because she's a grade-a bitch, and her dad makes me uncomfortable, but he's not creepy. what is your least favorite word? i literally abhor the word "cunt." hurts to even type. what turns you on? various, pretty normal stuff. what turns you off? the usual stuff - bad hygiene, bad manners, etc <–Yep. <<<< I agree. <<<<< same. have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? i've had one since the 6th grade. have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? not a legitimate crush, no. who is your celebrity crush? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) who is your most loyal friend? i honestly feel like connie. we've literally never fought, and she's always been there.

why are you happy, if you even are?

 because i've come so far in my recovery that i have no excuse to complain.

is there a secret you’ve never told your parents?

 yes.

what do you think of when you hear the name mark?

lol you know exactly who i think of.

kristin?

 no one.

zoe?

only the best character from "ssx tricky"

jamie?

 no one.

adam?

alex shepherd's dad from "silent hill: homecoming"

carmen?

the best dancer that was ever at the dance studio i used to go to

do you like fluffy yogurts?

NO. i CANNOT do the texture.

don’t you hate that you have to watch the baby being born in health class?

 i actually never did. but i physically wouldn't have been able to. i would've 100% shielded my eyes.

what’s the earliest memory you have?

walking out into the living room with my stuffed baby bunny and seeing ashley play "medievil" (i'm pretty sure that's how they spelled it). we all used to love that game. we only had the demo disc, though.

do you ever say “fail” when people mess up?

no, but i usually say "gg" lol

how important is it for a significant other to be good with kids?

not all that important considering i don't want any, but simultaneously, i certainly wouldn't tolerate them being mean to kids.

what was the last thing that hurt your feelings? was it warranted or do you think you just took it too personally?

i'd rather just not talk about it, but yeah, it was warranted.

what is your dad’s name?

kenneth, but everyone calls him ken.

does your mother have a sister? if so, what's her name?

 ... wait,

does

she? i don't think so, actually... maybe...

is your favorite color the same as when you were a kid?

 not exactly; my first favorite color was just normal red, now it's maroon.

who last grabbed your ass?

 chelsea lol

have you ever been called a slut/whore?

no, because i am literally the direct opposite. well correction, chelsea, colleen, and alex have playfully, but none of them have ever meant it. we all call each other shit names lol. all in love<3

who is your favorite foreign singer/musician?

 rammstein. they have amazing music and their lyrics are usually pretty cool.

do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (ie abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)?

no. i enjoy people having different opinions.  grow the fuck up and let people think differently.

do you edit any of your pictures? in what ways?

yes. i tend to do general things, like color correction and basic enhancement. sometimes i do more, particularly if it's legitimate photography of mine, in which case i tend to either bump up or desaturate the colors.

who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice?

 colleen

what months were you and your siblings born in?

as far as immediate siblings, april and june, and i was born in february.

do you prefer prince or michael jackson?

jackson. i was never into prince.

do you like spring rolls?

yeah. ruby tuesday's has the best.

when was the last time you painted something?

it's been about a year.

name one favorite thing to do with kids while babysitting.

if they're old enough, i love to teach them how to play games from my childhood. if not, idk. i just in general don't like watching kids.

what kind of things do you post on tumblr?

rhett&link + markiplier stuff, mostly. but i also reblog some funny stuff, plus meerkat pictures.

what band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see?

 none.

name the three biggest things that make up you.

passion, anxiety, dank memage. *finger guns*

what song is your ‘anthem’?

 the song "that's what you get" by paramore reminds me most of myself, particularly the line "i drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating."

which movie villain do you find the most terrifying?

hmmm. a number. i find christabella laroache from the "silent hill" moving frightening (no, i'm not being biased) because she's like the queen example that religion can drive people insane. the joker is also horrifying for the simple fact he's legitimately insane.

do you think frogs/toads look disgusting?

no, they're cute.

what happens when you strongly disagree with someone?

if i voice my opinion, i get very scared that they'll get angry with me. if i don't, nothing. i just accept their opinion.

have you ever been tested for drugs?

yes, while i was at the er for suicide attempts/being suicidal.

do you own any fish? if so, are the docile or aggressive?

no.

if your lover cheated on you and profusely apologized, would you accept them back into your life?

nope.

are you allergic to any insect bites?

no.

who is your favorite golden girl?

rose!!! (:

what is your favorite commercial of the moment?

it is legitimately always going to be the sexy mr. clean commercial lmao

do you have any famous relatives?

 not relatives, but ancestors. we're related to queen victoria and william clark.

favorite album?

"black rain" by ozzy osbourne. i literally love every song on the album and it was my first voyage into heavy metal.

if your son said he was gay, how would you react?

i would be really really proud of him for trusting me with such a thing!!

would you date someone who played video games all weekend long?

 so long he does his responsibilities, sure. let him do what he enjoys.

what are your top three video games of all time?

"silent hill 2," "amnesia: a machine for pigs," and then probably "silent hill 3."

what's your favorite care bear?

i remember i liked the one with a rainbow on its stomach.

state 8 facts about your body.

i'm 5'5''. just gonna say i'm bigger than i'm supposed to be. i have five piercings. my hair is naturally brown, but dyed red. my eyes are blue. the nail on both of my rings fingers is slightly deformed (my sisters' are, too). i have incredibly tiny toes. i wear glasses.

what was your kinkiest wet dream?

 not a kinky person over here.

what song, no matter where you are or what you are doing, immediately takes you back to high school?

 "all signs point to lauderdale" by a day to remember, DEFINITELY.

do you think you could join the army?

no way. i couldn't anyway because i'm mentally ill/have a suicidal history.

would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships?

nope.

do you have soft hands? do you like holding hands?

just about everyone who's ever touched my hands tells me they're soft. and yeah, so long they're not sweaty.

do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable?

 to me, it really depends on where you're sleeping.

have you ever failed a class?

 only in college.

have you ever cried over a breakup?

 only for over a year.

are you planning on dying your hair any time soon?

hopefully.

do you feel as though you're good at understanding/communicating with animals?

people have called me dr. doolittle since i was a very young kid for a reason lol

where would you like to spend your honeymoon?  

i actually don't have big plans. i'd just love to spend a little while in the mountains of nc.

what's one thing you collected as a child:

stickers. my dresser at the time was legitimately covered.

what fictional animal do you wish was real?

oh my GOD, the fey dragons from wow. they are fucking adorable and so pure.

have you ever been told you’ve punched someone in your sleep?

lol yeah. sorry, jason.

have you ever written a song or poem for someone special?

 a few poems, yeah.

what is your favorite vampire book/movie/show?

 i remember i loved the book "bite me"

do you actually know anyone who is homophobic?

 yes.

did you ever read "the giver"? see the movie?

i read the book and loved it.

what was your first impression of your best friend?

i don't have a *best* friend, but i'll answer for the two closest to me. one, i don't really remember because we were super super young. the other, oh my god it was obvious we hated each other.

what is your profile pic a picture of?

i'mma just answer for like... all of them lol. main tumblr & youtube: link neal (but i'mma change yt to mark when i'm not being lazy); facebook&this blog: me; deviantart: an oc; km rp: mark fischbach; aaand i'm sure i'm forgetting some

have you ever been dumped really harshly?

very. he dumped me over facebook messenger like a coward, considering we'd been dating for 3 1/2 years.

has a tree ever fallen down on your house?

yes, during a hurricane. i was totally knocked out asleep so i didn't even hear it land directly above my head lol. then at our second house, a tree fell on our fuel tank, literally landing directly beside the cap, sooo we're lucky as fuck it didn't blow up.

would you ever get your hips pierced?

no. dermals sound really painful.

what if someone asked you to be in a relationship with them?

 i'm in a relationship right now and am happy that way.

what will your next piercing be?

my nose.

what do you regret doing at FAR too young?

i'd rather just not talk about it.

marvel or dc?

dc, maybe.

what are you most proud of?

how far i've come

what is your favorite otp?

that actually exists, mark&amy. hypothetically, rhett&link

who is your favorite disney villain?

scar, maybe? OH. maleficent, actually.

did you ever watch "phil of the future"?

 not really. i was never a big fan.

are sex and sexual activities something you enjoy?

sexual activities, sure. sex itself, i wouldn't know.

how old were you when you first became sexually active?

 again, mind you, i'm a virgin, but if you're talking about doing anything sexual, probably 16. maaaybe 17, but i'm pretty sure 16.

would you rather have a pet crocodile or a pet octopus?

 i legitimately wanted a caiman for a while because apparently that's legal lol

where is the last place you’d want to be on halloween night?

 not sure

describe your favorite comedy movie?

my favorite's "white chicks" omg

what, in your opinion, is the most disgusting part of the human body?

i've stated before i have some asexual traits, and part of that is found in the fact i find both genitalia legitimately disgusting.

what feelings come over you when you know you’re falling in love?

i smile a lot and get very shy around the person. looots of butterflies.

do you believe in ghosts, spirits, demons?

yes to all.

would you consider yourself creative and how wide would you say your imagination can stretch?

 i honestly believe i'm creative as fuck. it goes pretty damn far.

if you could go into any video game world, what would it be and why?

"world of warcraft." because. like. just take me to azeroth, pls.  god i am such a nerd.

hamburger or hot dog?

 cheeseburgers, usually.

what's something nerdy about you?

 i am legitimately made of nerdy shit

would you cheat on your significant other if it meant sleeping with your celebrity crush?

no, actually. probably surprising considered how obsessed i am with him lol

how old do you want to live to?

maybe like 75? 80? i don't want to get to the point of being old where i'm like pissing myself and need help with literally everything. that would be legitimate torture to me.

are you comfortable with your height?

 sure.

have you ever slept on a couch with someone else, with whom?

yeah, jason.

do you think the legal drinking age should be changed?

 not entirely. i do, however, believe 18-year-olds should be allowed to drink only if accompanied by an adult.

have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

i have hit rock bottom before.

have you ever been bitten by a snake?

no.

do you like train’s music?

i was a big fan way before they become mainstream thanks to mom.

how’s your relationship between you and your grandparents?

dad's mom is dead, mom's dad is dead, i don't even remember the last time i talked to my dad's dad (but he's suuuuper nice and supportive), and i'm pretty damn sure mom's mom doesn't like me. she's bitched me out before and has said some very rude things to me. i'm not particularly fond of her either, but i try.

has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you?

never had sex, but as for the only person i've ever been sex

ual

with, yes.

are both of your blood parents still in your life?

my parents are divorced so i don't really see my dad, but he's still a part of my life.

do you like your best friend’s boy/girlfriend?

colleen's husband is awesome and is quite a bit like myself, but sara's not in a relationship.

have your parents met the person you’re currently interested in?

 yeah.

when you’re interested in someone, do you let them know?

 no.

have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?

 ha ha omg yeah

what are your parents’ middle names?

 marie & john

in your opinion, which is more attractive: nice biceps or washboard abs?

biceps.  really obnoxious abs aren't that appealing to me.

have you ever been hypnotized?

 no. i don't believe in that jazz.

do you have any lockets with pictures inside?

no.

what would you consider to be the worst television channel out there?

 mtv

do you have any siblings you absolutely despise? why?

no.

do you think age matters in friendship?

 no. i have a friend who's 30.

how old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

i don't want kids. i'm fine with my nieces and nephews.

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

heather (silent hill), tyler is legitimately me (markiplier crew), chase (rhett&link crew)

what’s a popular movie you’ve never seen?

the entirety of "harry potter." and "lord of the rings."

has anyone ever gotten in your face completely bitching you out?

my grandma, yes.

does it annoy you when people use too many emoticons when they’re typing?

it can.

would you ever consider yourself over dramatic?

i can be, honestly.

would you consider yourself more indie or mainstream?

 indie. essentially nothing about me is mainstream.

do you ever use cheats when you play video games?

 no.

has anyone, besides yourself, considered you as a failure?  

most likely.

did you go to pre-k?

 yeah.

have you ever stolen a friend's boyfriend?

not intentionally. then there's the fact we never actually dated.

do you regret it?

 i regret ever being flirty with him, yes.

are you sorry?

 it's only like my biggest regret, so.

who was your first celebrity crush?

probably jesse mccartney lol

would you smoke if it meant getting $30, or do you smoke anyways?

 no.

what school teams or clubs are/were you a part of?

 art honors society, honors society.

do you enjoy going through old pictures?

sometimes. other times, the nostalgia is too much.

is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist?

i honestly find dave mustaine of megadeth to be an awful singer, but somehow, i feel it adds to his charm??

do you tend to get clingy in relationships?

really, it depends on my mood and how comfortable i am with you. i legitimately demand space early in a relationship, and i romantically bond with people very slowly. once i actually feel attached to you, i can be sometimes. other times, i still need space.

have you ever dated outside of your race?

for less than a day, so you couldn't really call it "dating." he was hispanic.

when was the last time you received a massage?

never had one professionally, but jason and i would give each other a massage if we legitimately felt like we needed one.

would you rather have curvy legs or skinny legs?

not like really big, but curvy.

what do you usually put in your omelets?

cheese and ham. man... now i really want an omelet lol

do you like kiwis?

YAAAAAS

do you want any piercings?

my nose will be next, then more in my ears. i also would like a belly button ring one day, but i'd only get it once i'm much smaller. absolutely no offense intended, but i don't think they look good on bigger people like me.

have you ever flipped off your mother or father?

no, but i said "fuck you" to my mother only a few months ago. that went over well.

have you ever bowled a strike?

probably.

which is worse: stale chips or flat soda?

stale chips. flat soda doesn't bother me too much.

have you ever questioned your sexuality?

not seriously. when i had ocd, added onto my anxiety, i got into this totally random repetitive thought cycle that i secretly bisexual. i am in no way bisexual, but it was a random question and then my mind obsessed over the possibility i was lying to myself.

what did you usually pack for lunch at school?

sandwiches.

favorite nonliving musician?

probably freddie mercury. wonderfully talented man.

biggest learning experience of your life?  

holly hill

what’s your opinion on religion in schools?

i believe all of the more common religions should be electives. i know that's a bit unfair, but if we're being realistic, there's too many religions to fit and get instructors for all of them.

how do you decide whether to accept or not accept a friend request?

i have to know the person and like them to accept them.

do you have an unspeakable past regret?

unspeakable, no.

do you litter?

absolutely not.

do you feed your pets gourmet pet food?

no.

were you miserable in middle school?

 i wouldn't say "miserable," but it was definitely the worst school years. it's when my anxiety and depression started, so.

how many people do you know who identify as transgender?

one that i'm certain of. i have another friend that went through a transgender phase.

what is your preferred painkiller?

 advil

what color was your senior prom dress?

black

do you support transgenders being able to use the opposite restroom?

i promise, you don't want my opinion.

do you support the raising of the minimum wage?

yes. you can't live off of $7.25.

are you courageous?

not really, if i'm being honest.

could you ever forgive your best friend for sleeping with your boyfriend?

nope.

do you live with your biological parents?  

with my mom, yes.

do you have a snapchat?

no.

who is your hero?

mark <3

are you allergic to bees?

i wouldn't know. never been stung.

have you ever had stitches?

yes, in my chin.

did you graduate high school a virgin?

 yeah.

would you ever date out of your own race?

 yes.

can you describe your father in one word?

forgiving<3

what’s your favorite movie trilogy?

"shiloh," maybe

do you play any games on facebook?

 no.

do you have a dog?

 we have three.

do you have a step-parent?

 yes, but i don't call her "mom" or anything.

do you like grasshoppers?

they actually kinda scare me, especially big ones lol

do you like laffy taffy?

yeah!

at concerts, do you buy merch?

only been to one, but i did. i'd like to think i always would.

what color is your underwear?  

i don't wear underwear unless entirely necessary. increases your chances of a yeast infection and they're just uncomfortable.

what’s an interesting fact about the state in which you were born?

 it has an abandoned wizard of oz-themed park.

outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus?

yes. i use it occasionally for writing.

do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings?

my mom has her ears pierced.

would you ever stalk a celebrity?  

no. i have respect.

do your parents use social media? if so, which ones?

mom has facebook.

do you believe that there’s good in everybody?

 nope.

person you used to have feelings for shows up at your house, you say:

"get the fuck away from my house" or something like that.

were your parents married when you were born?

yes.

have you ever thought about having sex?

 yeah?

are you available?

 no.

do you live in a big house?

 no.

have you ever flown in a plane?

twice, but the first i don't remember.

do you like mangoes?

 i've actually never had a real mango, but i think i'd like them. i love mango juice.

do you think you’re always right?

 absolutely not. it's a ridiculous thing to think.

what’s your favorite season?

autumn.

best disney song?  

dude let's be real, "be prepared" from tlk was fire

what’s the worst veggie?

 BEANS.

do you like the color yellow?

nooo. it's one of my least favorites.

do you have any old calendars in your room?

i have two meerkat calendars from years ago that are part of my collection.

is it important to you to make a good impression on a bf/gf’s parents?

of course.

are you one of the people who think obama will be assassinated?

well, he obviously wasn't. if anyone's going to get assassinated, it'll be trump.

are you more sympathetic towards animals or humans?

animals, because they have no voice and are never truly do things out of ill intent.

when did your parents stop enforcing curfew?

 i never really had a curfew.

how long does it take you in the shower?

not even 15 minutes. i've never understood how people can take such long showers. do your shit and get out.

ever kissed anyone with a nipple piercing? what about a lip piercing? nose piercing?

 lip piercings, yes.

ever made out in a pool?

maybe, but i don't think so.

are you a virgin?

depends on how you define "virgin." but by my definition, yes.

be honest. have you had any dirty thoughts today?

 well now that you mention it.

have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise?

no.

do you have trouble reading small fonts?

 not usually. depends on what the font is.

are there any old [as in, no longer on television, not necessarily old in terms of years] television shows that you could happily sit through and re-watch the entire series?

"that '70s show"

of all the decisions you have thus far made in your life, which was the best and which was the worst?

best: going to holly hill. worst: letting jason be my everything.

if you were presented with a bowl of fruit with apples, oranges, bananas, and grapes in it - which fruit would you pick to eat?

grapes.

do you have any gay friends?

yes, and i love them.

are you gay yourself?

 no, but i don't discriminate against those who are.

how many brothers do you have?

 one half-brother.

do you like mexican food?

 noooo.

what’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?  

colleen: miracle, maxwell, maze. i couldn't even try to name all of sara's lol

do you need to shave?

 no.

do you see yourself married in the next five years?

nope.

are you responsible?

if i'm being honest, no.

ever had a pregnancy scare?

 no. well, because i have anxiety, i was once scared while i was with jason because i missed my period, despite the fact we never had actual sex. safe to say, i wasn't pregnant. it was my anxiety getting to me.

do you partake in gaming?

 if i can, i do. however, my consoles are broken and the psu or graphics card on my gaming laptop is fried, so i haven't in like... six, seven months. it's been torture lol

who has your heart?

 two internet celebrities that don't know i exist lmao

do you have an ex who still talks to you? do they want to be with you again?

 no. tyler tried to, but he finally got that i wanted nothing to do with him.

ever get mad at something that happened years ago?

yep.

don’t you hate when people assume you’re jealous of somebody just because you dislike them?

y e s

do your legs get really itchy after shaving them?

 YES. it's why i have a scar on my shin because i scratched the fuck out of it.

who was the last person you went out to eat with?

 dad, his wife, sisters, and my sister's in-laws.

honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you?  

probably not. i wouldn't want to anyway, since i'm like 95% sure i want to save 'til marriage.

have you ever kissed someone with a tattoo?

 regrettably.

ever had a guy best friend?

yes.

how is your last ex doing?

 i don't know and i don't care.

ever given your ALL to someone?

yes, and it was the wrong fucking choice.

how do you know the majority of the people you know?

 school, the internet

have you ever had pink eye?

no, but my sister has.

do you really care how many friends you or anyone else has on myspace/facebook?

nope.

how many band shirts do you own? which?

including those that don't fit anymore but i have saved, two for ozzy osbourne, two for metallica, otep, disturbed, asking alexandria, hollywood undead, iwrestledabearonce (which i no longer like), marilyn manson, two for alice cooper, and i am 100% positive i've had more. i've had a loooot.

is nutella amazing?

 yaaaas queen

have you ever had anything pierced that you don’t have now?

yes. right side of my nose, left anti-tragus, right tragus, left cartilage. they all closed while i was in the hospital.

would you consider yourself “tough”?

emotionally.

do you have any twins/multiples in your family? are they identical or fraternal?

 i don't think so?

who is the youngest person in your family that you know of?

my nephew, i think.

is your mom a good mom?

she tries her best and does so much for me.

who was your first friend?

brianna. we drifted apart in middle school.

would you consider yourself a shy person?

 waaaay too shy.

are you on good terms with your last ex?

no.

would you rather be a toaster, or a calculator?

... lol wut

do you like beards, and if so, what is the ideal beard length?

no opinion.

did/do you play with barbies?

i did only when nicole wanted to.

what holidays do you decorate for?

halloween, christmas.

have you ever been high?

no. it just doesn't interest me. i don't like my mind being foggy. it's partially why i've never even been drunk.

do you believe in homosexuality?

yes?? it obviously exists, and there's nothing wrong with it??

do you believe in jesus?

yes. it's a historical fact that he existed, it's just a matter of if you believe in the stories of what he did or not.

who was the last person you kissed?

my boyfriend.

do you play minecraft?

i never have and i'm not interested in it.

do you like mozzarella sticks?

noooo. the only cheese i like is american.

do you listen to nickelback?

i have no shame in admitting that i like some of their songs.

do you watch pewdiepie?

i've been a fan since 2013, or maybe 2012. he's a funny guy. he's got a lot of drama around him, but i sincerely think he's entertaining. i've enjoyed watching him develop as a person and comedian.

do you like the water?

no. i literally never drink it unless i'm dehydrated.

do you like eating zebra cakes?

 sure. been a long, long time since i've had one, though.

are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others?

 write, draw.

have you ever felt as though you were unrecognizable to yourself?

yep.

when was the last time you took a taxi somewhere?

 never.

what was the most embarrassing thing you’ve had to buy?

 nothing really embarrassing.

have you ever mistaken a person’s gender?

 yeah.

did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare?

 yes.  i have the immune system of a god.

without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes?

  yes.  my old english teacher literally stopped class once just to point out to the whole class that i had super long eyelashes lol.  i loved her.

is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger?

 yeah.  tends to be rammstein or metallica.

do any of your close friends have children?

 no.

were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?

 no.

when was the last time you were at the hospital, and why?

 in february for a suicide attempt.

"the breakfast club," yay or nay?

 i couldn't get into it.

have you ever had a piercing get infected?

 yes.  second piercing in my right ear lobe.

do you get embarrassed easily?

 just about everything embarrasses me, so.

is anybody in your family a carpenter?

  no, but my dad was.

would you date someone 8 years older than you?

  yeah, but that's like my limit.  i'd have to

really

like someone who was nine years older, but i'm cool with eight.

would you rather date someone older than you or younger?  

older.  at my current age, i wouldn't date someone younger than me.

have you ever dated someone you met online?  

no.

what’s something you have a very strong opinion about?

  abortion, more than anything.  i'm getting more heavily adamant about gay rights.

what gets you emotional?

 recalling past struggles and people, seeing others suffer, people doing good in the world, etc.

do you often try to find common ground when in a political debate?

  ugh.  i just don't like political debates.

do you come across as cold and aloof at times?

 i'm sure.

do you think the last person you kissed is a player?

 no.

if an ex said they hated you, you say?

  good for you.

could you ever be friends with the person who hurt you most in life?

 no.

are you happy with yourself?

  in certain aspects.

would you change yourself for the person you love?

  to some degree.  it depends.

has a guy ever seriously punched you more than once?

 no one's ever punched me, thankfully.

do you think you were ever in love?

 i can say without the slightest doubt in my mind that i was.

have you ever dated your friend’s ex?

 no.

have you done bad things with your parents nearby?  

define "bad things."

have you started a horrible rumor about somebody?

  no, i'm not that low.

why do you believe/not believe in god?

  because it just seems most logical to me.  it just seems... highly, highly unlikely that the fucking stars aligned so perfectly as to make this all possible.  but i perfectly respect people that think the opposite, so long they don't stomp on religion.

do you have any recurring dreams? what are they?

  no.

what is your favorite baked good?

  muffins, maybe.

do you have an addiction to anything?

  i have an addictive personality, so, a number of things.  nothing unhealthy, though.

during thunderstorms, how does your pet react?

 teddy and bentley don't care, cali gets so terrified that she quakes and hides behind the couch.

are you addicted to any energy drinks?

  no.  energy drinks taste like poison to me.

do you like croutons in your salad?  

noooo

when did you meet the last male you texted?

  when i was born.  he's my dad.

have you ever talked to a boyfriend about a previous ex-boyfriend?

 yes.  i was having a ptsd breakdown and needed to know if i could confide in him about some things.

can two living souls become one?  

no.

has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?

 no, but someone probably should lol.  i recently realized that i say "fuck" waaay too much.  jason's family defiled me.  they swear like sailors and like everyone i know noticed my profanity got worse after dating jason for a while because i was with his family a lot and it rubbed off.

why aren’t you in love with your ex anymore?  

because you don't love the person that almost caused you to kill yourself.

if your best friend “came out”, how would you feel?

 colleen: i would go into legitimate shock since she's for traditional marriage and whatnot.  sara: she's demisexual, so.

ever kissed someone you weren’t in a relationship with?

  no.

have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?

 ew, no.

what was the last song you listened to?

 "cake and sodomy" by marilyn manson

have you ever been on a ferris wheel that had swinging cages/gondolas? were you in the swinging cage/gondola or too chicken to go on it?

 yeah.  it was at a little festival so it was sketchy as fuck too lol.  i went with jason, who's afraid of heights, so that was interesting.

do you want a small or big wedding?

  small.

are your parents going to buy you a car?

  probably not.  i don't drive, anyway.

who’s your favorite rapper? and your favorite song by this rapper?

 the only rapper i genuinely like is eminem, and i really like "space bound"

how about your favorite band? and your favorite song by this band?

  oh brother...  ozzy osbourne: "trap door," metallica: "whiskey in the jar," otep: uhhh "special pets" or "apex predator," a day to remember: "i'm made of wax, larry, what are you made of?," marilyn manson: "heart-shaped glasses," rammstein: "nebel" or "donaukinder," cradle of filth: probably their cover of "mr. crowley," korn: "here to stay"

do you hate your last name? do you want to get married so you can change it?

 i don't like my last name, but i don't want to get married just so it'll change.

who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? why did you break up?

 if you're talking about the first guy who ever had the title of "boyfriend," aaron.  we were in the 7th grade and i just didn't like him like that.

do you drink coffee?

  no, it's bitter as fuck and just overall gross.

what outfit makes you feel the most attractive?

  you assume any outfit makes me attractive.

what do you think of people who always wear make-up?

  whatever.

has anyone of the same sex ever hit on you?

  i think so.

are you open to a same-sex relationship and why or why not?

  no, i'm straight.

have you ever wanted to vlog?

 no.  too awkward for that shit.

who was the last person you held hands with?

  ugh.

have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly?

 what the fuck, no.

have you ever seen a live bat?

  yeah.  they're so cute.

would you ever let your child drop out of high school?

 depends on the reason.

do you pronounce “aunt” like “want” or “ant”?

 "ant"

would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back?

  never again.

have you watched porn alone before?

 i don't watch porn to begin with.

what do you think about weed?

 i think it smells fucking awful more than anything.

recommend a book:

 i recommend "johnny got his gun" by dalton trumbo more than any book on the face of the planet.  the writing style is very unique and a bit hard to understand sometimes, but the meaning behind it.  it increased my pacifism by a mile.

do you like to cook? or do you always prefer take out?

  i can't cook.  i literally burned a hot dog to where it split in half in the microwave.

are pets allowed to be on the furniture in your house?

  yes.  they live here.

declawing cats: for or against?

 against

what theory (serious or not) has always intrigued you?

  if the moon landing was fake or not.  i believe it was real, but there is some seriously compelling evidence that it was a studio trick.  i'd highly recommend reading about it.

do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

  about some things.