#I definitely am not at all extremely autistic and have been since he literally released and I will never be the same!

[callingcxrd]

I wonder if this guy has ever heard of a particular establishment known to reside in California

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

Abuse and Gender Expression - Gender Thoughts Part Three

Huuuuuge trigger warnings for peer abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, religious abuse, a murder attempt and mentions of self harm, suicidal ideation and an eating disorder. 18+ talk of sexual activity also included. Discretion advised!

.

I feel like the first time I realized I needed to perform high femininity to be accepted was in sixth grade. I was slotted into a rotating elective class, and the first one was a careers class. That careers class was utter hell for me. Every single day, I was tormented by an entire classroom of about twenty of my peers. I was bullied, no, abused for being fat and ugly and weird. I was called a whore, and told the only way I could ever be loved was someone raping me. Things were thrown at me, I was shoved down and tripped. I was bullied for my special interest in Transformers. I was told I was so fat and ugly I should be killed and be made into meat and cheese and fed to starving people because that was my only worth. Every single day I was told I should kill myself in varying ways. And all of that is just a quick summary. It was intense and brutal abuse for an entire semester, and I distinctly remember a day where there was a literal pool of tears on my desk. I couldn’t understand. I reached out to the teacher for help, and genuinely can’t remember exactly what he said. All I know is that he simply watched, and sometimes even joined in with “jokes” of his own. This was also the year abuse from my mother amped up, and home was a warzone--we were constantly arguing, and she became a professional at gaslighting and poking and prodding me until I exploded so I could be blamed for fighting back. My father would vacantly stand by and remind me not to fight back. This was also the year I began to self harm as a way of release. 

I remember thinking that if I looked more like the girls in my class, I wouldn’t be bullied so much. I was told I was ugly and unlovable, so I thought that if I performed more femininely, maybe I could be like those who tormented me and therefore not be a target. I thought there was something inherently wrong with the way I presented myself. I convinced my mother to take me to the store, and I bought wedge heels and gaudy jewelry I did not like to wear with my uniform--replacing my autobot necklace and sweatband. In another class I was teased for not shaving and for having ugly feet, so I learned to paint my nails, file my heels, and shave every bit of hair on my body--the echo of my father saying that since I grew pubic hair, I was now a woman and held accountable for all of my sins an echo on the cusp of my mind. I did everything in my power to be more pretty and girly. I used to be loud and rambunctious, and began to go silent and demure.

I remember walking up to the class in the new get-up that was certainly not me. I felt that I would be accepted but as I walked up...I fell flat on my ass. I couldn’t walk in the heels. They all pointed and laughed at me, and the abuse continued in even higher intensity. It was until the next semester that I fought back by throwing a desk at two of my abusers who followed me to the next rotating elective, screaming and snarling at them to leave me alone. Those two in particular stopped, but abuse from others continued for many years in many instances. I developed an eating disorder, continued self harming, and began to try and form femininity and “attractiveness” to the best of my ability. I added things like bows and kitty ears and flower crowns to my wardrobe--sure they were cute, and I did like them in a way, but it felt like putting on a costume or some sort of womanly obligation. It didn’t feel like me. Years later, I was told by someone I trusted that I was “too fat to wear pants”, which I internalized and began to only wear dresses--same thing with feeling like I was wearing a costume. I tried to be beautiful. I wanted to be butch, be myself, but I felt that if I was a cute and girly girl, demure and sweet, I wouldn’t be a target. I would be loved. 

And so I locked myself away. 

My relationship with my mother was a rocky one. She is definitely a sick and broken person, but I doubt she will ever get help. She swings between extremes, and I was always her doll and punching bag. She had a habit of pushing and pushing, finding all the littles holes in me that triggered autistic meltdowns and despair. She criticized everything about me, from my weight and height to my blaming me for how tangled my hair was. She entered me in sports and spelling bees with gentle but insisting prodding about how good I would be when I would rather be reading or playing, and when I got frustrated she would say it was my choice...when in reality I just wanted her approval. When I got older, and especially after my father killed himself, I began to fight back and question her authority though--sometimes violently. She didn’t like that, and was violent right back, and oftentimes first. I struggled my whole life with blaming myself for my outbursts and reactions, but through therapy I have learned I was a child being gaslit and abused, shown that violence was the only answer… And through therapy, I have learned to do better and grow. The worst instance of abuse was me having an autistic meltdown where I said that we should both just die and her response was to pull out a gun and point it at me--I collapsed down into our trash covered room (I was forced to share a bed with her) and pleaded with her to stop. She threatened to kill me and help me out since I was so suicidal, then turned the gun on herself and threatened to kill herself, in which I had to talk her down. When the gun was down, I fled in a flurry of tears and barely contained screams. It was truly the most horrible moment of my life, and I still struggle with the ptsd of that moment to this day. I was only fourteen.

All that background to say, my mother was extremely possessive of my body. She seemed to love to touch my breasts and butt, jerk me around, slap my butt, watch me get dressed. When I begged her to stop, she would tell me that she made that body and could do whatever she wanted to it. I found messages on her phone of her talking to guys about having sex with me and stealing my panties. She wouldn’t let me do my own hair because I couldn’t do it right. She wouldn’t let me bathe alone until I was over ten years old. I didn’t ever have my own room until I was 18 and shared it with my partner. She never let me play with my hair and kept a close eye on what I wore. This combined with my very religious Christian father, who said things like “if you know more song lyrics than bible verses when you die, you’ll go to hell” and the aforementioned accountability, along with things like letting me know he loved God more than me and always seeming to walk in while I was changing… I always felt owned by something. I never felt like my body or my identity belonged to me alone. And so it was extremely difficult to explore myself.

Sexual exploration became an outlet. I was asexual and didn’t possess sexual attraction or a desire for coital sex (still don’t), but I enjoyed kink play with my partner and playing with myself. I enjoyed porn, mostly stories. I always felt drawn to mlm porn, but never understood why. I saw myself in the big, fat men of the stories. I wished it could be me, wished I was a big hairy man like that. Wished I could be loved like that. Reading those types of erotica always got me off and made me feel relaxed and fulfilled, no matter what kink it regarded. Of course my mom would slutshame me without even knowing what I got up to, but sexual activity and pornography helped me find solace and ownership of my body. When I was aroused and taking care of myself, being taken care of, or taking care of someone else, I felt like I was finally in control of my body and my happiness. I had been sexually abused in different ways by different people throughout my life, and finding a certain safety and security in the kind of sexual activity I explored made me feel like...me. I found myself in those big men, but still didn’t make the connection that I was not cis. 

It wasn’t until many years that I began to question my gender. First nonbinary, then agender, then genderfluid, then bigender, then nonbinary again, now finally transmasc. I am autistic and struggle with a resistance to change. I have struggled with shifting my name because it feels like a betrayal to become something new. So I have become Charis instead of Charissa...but I think I may be Myles instead. Since I have struggled with abuse and feeling owned my whole life, it is scary to take my self creation into my own hands. People I am close to have expressed concern and dislike for my transition--especially my mother. I came out to her two days ago over the phone when she guessed I was transgender--or “wanted a sex change” as she put it. She outed me to her anti-lgbt boyfriend without my consent, and now they want to have a discussion. She cried and told me it was too much and she couldn’t talk yet. I am still unsure of what to do about it. I know my mother is broken, and has come far from the cruelty she was once capable of--but she still swings. I see those shattered pieces and their sharp edges and know they have the ability to cut. It is terrifying. 

Coming out, especially after so many years of abuse, has been absolutely terrifying and difficult. I am still navigating how to do it, especially with a name change. The clinic I am going to for hrt screwed up with their scheduling and had to reschedule me for later this month, a frustrating thing. I am looking forward to starting hrt, but also scared how people will treat me once those changes begin happening. Even with these fears and struggling with my interpersonal relationships...this is the greatest choice I have ever made. It is my truth and my freedom, and I will fight against that fear to become my most authentic self. I have an incredible partner by my side, and with their support and my own self love, I can do anything. 

[superultrachicken]

Zombie Land Saga First Impressions

So, let’s take a look at the minds behind the anime, including the original artist if there was one. I like to get a feeling for who worked on an anime before I really get into watching it so I can know what to expect or compare it to their other works.

Okay, so I took a look into this and it looks like this is intended to be a multimedia project with both a manga and an anime in production telling roughly the same story. Taking a look at the manga’s author, Megumu Soramichi, they’ve only got this and other anime to manga adaptation under their belt, with them having adapted Chivalry of a Failed Knight as well. Honestly, looking at the manga, it features vastly more sexualization than the anime has featured within the first two episodes.

The primary director for the show is Munehisa Sakai. He also does sound direction. His other work is Sailor Moon Crystal (which I wasn’t overly fond of but it wasn’t poorly done by any means), a good portion of a couple PreCure anime, and a small chunk of One Piece. So he’s definitely a veteran in the industry with some really notable series under his belt, even if he doesn’t have as much as some others. And I have to say that he does a good job with this series. There’s a fair amount of fluidity in the story beats which would come from the writing, sound, and direction working really well together that’s present in this series.

The chief animation director is Kazumi Fukagawa. Her other works are Bleach, Danganronpa, and YuGiOh 5Ds among a few idol and moe anime. Just having the three named anime under her belt shows a fair amount of versatility in her art style, even if they were only doing key animation or in a secondary leadership role. And the animation is really good good here, I am giving this series a fair amount of praise right out of the gate but that’s only because it does a lot of what it does well. Even the scenes that don’t have much going on are really well animated and the characters are really expressive in their movements, which is needed in an anime centered around this sort of idol group.

Kazuo Ogura does the art direction in the anime. He’s worked on a lot and has been in the industry since the 80s at least. Some of his other works as an art director include the recent Dragonball movie, the Fullmetal Alchemist movies, the Fire Emblem OVA, and the Final Fantasy XV OVA. He’s worked as a background artist on countless others including Claymore, the JoJo OVA, and Escaflowne. Much like Kazumi Fukagawa, he has a lot of experience in an extreme variety of series. And, again, this shows in the final product. Though, while Ogura has worked on some anime that have heavily sexualized elements, this anime seems to lack those. As I mentioned before, you see a bit more of it in the manga that’s being released alongside the anime, but mostly due to uncomfortable angles and overall shorter skirts than we have in the anime. I could be proven wrong later down the line with overly sexualized imagery in future episodes, but from what I’ve seen, aside from some of the characters having large (but realistically large) breasts, the anime doesn’t go out of its way to sexualize the characters. It is very much just a comedy anime featuring zombie girls so far and I’m happy it didn’t go the way of the manga.

The music is done by Yasuharu Takanashi. He also did music for a bunch of PreCure series, Naruto Shippuden, Sailor Moon Crystal, Hell Girl, Shiki, Fairy Tail, and Gantz. This guy is talented. The music within the first two episodes of this show varies between literally screaming death metal to idol music to insult based rap battles using beat boxing in the background. Even without his extremely long and varied career in anime soundtracks, I’d argue that these two episodes along have enough variety that I have to have respect for Takanashi’s technical and creative skill.

So, all that said, what do I actually think about the series so far.

Well... I couldn’t find a writer anywhere but I have to say that I really like this recent trend of idol culture criticism that gives a critical, yet comedic, de-mystification of the idol industry in Japan. From what I’ve gathered, the idols are actually treated quite a bit like the girls in this anime, they are yelled at if they don’t do things perfectly during rehersal or if they gain a little bit of weight at any time. It’s a very abusive industry and they don’t hold back on the caricature of an idol manager. I appreciate this, I really do. While Backstreet Goku Dolls has a crime boss force his subordinates into gender re-assignment surgery to become idols as a punishment for messing up really bad, we have a guy who practices dark magic to create zombies using famous women and girls from the past. Once you start looking at it that way, this series really does lay on that commentary. Especially with the only actually idol member of the group attempting to run away the first chance she got.

But, if I had one criticism, I can see all the twists coming with  maybe a few. I think I’ve guessed who two of the other girls are to the protagonist. One is extremely heavily foreshadowed while the other’s foreshadowing is a bit more subtle. I guess that’s it for my first impressions of the series.

It’s pretty good so far, though I’ll come back with an actually well thought out and edited criticism in a while. But these were just my autistic ramblings about the series

edit: (before you call me ableist, I have autism)

[doomedandstoned]

One Man Powerhouse Tommy Concrete Returns, Drops New Music Video!

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By Billy Goate

Album Art by Discobeast

In recent times, the phenomenon of the one-man band has grown more and more formidable and accomplished. While there are still relatively few creators who dare invade this jack of all trades space, the ones who've emerged from the heavy underground in recent years have indeed been impressive. Today, we follow the trail of one such creator, Scottman TOMMY CONCRETE.

While hardly a new kid on the block (the Glasgow progressive metal artist has...well, let me count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 albums to his name -- nay, 8, if we count the one before us), this may be your first time hearing his name in these pages. Some may remember Tommy from his time playing guitar with Edinburgh punk rockers The Exploited. Now, his music has turned in a decidedly doom direction, as the astute will have noticed from his inclusion in our recent compilation, 'Doomed & Stoned in Scotland' (2021).

Tommy Concrete's latest record 'Hexenzirkel' (2021) has experiencing doomy textures, strange sludgy landscapes, and knuckles to the wall heavy metal oomph, with lyrics that are relevant to what's wrong with the world in Tommy's eyes (and perhaps, you will find, in your eyes, as well).

Before us lay a 9-minute slab from the album, titled "The Blind Man Shines Light On The Truth," which Doomed & Stoned is premiering today in music video form. You'll witness not only Tommy Concrete's music-making prowess, but also his cheeky sense of humor.

Says Tommy:

Lyrically this song was inspired by an old friend of mine called Matt, who is blind. His online presence is an extremely entertaining antithesis of ‘fake news’. His political posts are always on-point, quadruple fact checked and always from credible sources. Unfortunately he spends most of his life being shot down by pro-trump, anti-mask, flat earth believing, covid denying, right wing, royalist, Brexit supporting idiots. His daily confrontations with morons caused me to wonder why so many people are so resistant to knowledge? Suddenly the chorus appeared in my head:

“The blind man shines light on the truth fools take offence to his wisdom The obsequious cattle of death applaud their own ignorant lies”

Musically, the track is a concept which has been growing steadily for about twenty years. Back then I was going to lots of different clubs including hip-hop and dub, I was also listening to a lot of doom. It was at an Electric Wizard gig in Leeds that I made an observation. The previous night I had been at a hip hop club, and I couldn’t help but notice that sonically the experiences had a lot in common. Both were dominated by low grooving subsonic frequencies and had stoned audiences swaying about.

The idea of mixing doom and hip-hop grew slowly in me over the years. It wasn’t something I was really feeling like exploring for a long time, mainly due to 99% of all hip hop metal crossovers being utter mince. When I was putting Hexenzirkel together I dug deep into all the mad ideas floating around my head that I had never utilised, and decided it was time. The track also features amazing guest vocals from Laura of King Witch and Jenni of Juniper Grave who really bring the song to life.

I will reiterate how happy I am to see Laura Gilchrist from King Witch in this music video! She's long been one of my favorite singers in the scene, with unmatched power (you'll need to listen to their albums to get the full impact of her range). Here she brings a bluesy note that finesses Tommy's gruff persona (but not so much that he loses his hard edge).

Hexenzirkel will be available in CD and digital formats on June 25th (pre-order). A must for fans of Wino, Devin Townsend, and Mike Patton.

Give ear...

Watch: Tommy Concrete: The Blind

Some Buzz

A hardened stalwart of the UK's metal and punk scenes, Edinburgh multi-instrumentalist Tommy Concrete seeks to promote recovery and positive mental attitude through his latest EP, Trauma. Released in May 2019, the three-track offering explores mental health issues through an unconventional blend of heavy subgenres akin to Devin Townsend and Killing Joke.

Concrete, who has played guitar for legendary UK punks The Exploited and instrumental doom band Jackal-Headed Guard of the Dead, as well as providing vocals for infamous metallers Man of the Hour and creating harsh industrial under the pseudonym Zaceus Zinetti, began releasing metal under his own name in 2001. Since then, he has put out six full-length albums and two EPs, with 2018's LP Unrelaxed being named Album of the Year by Moshville Times. His EP 'Trauma' (2020) explored mental health issues, addiction, and altered states of consciousness

Hexenzirkel by Tommy Concrete

Now Tommy Concrete is back with his eight full-length record. Marked by relentless persistence and an ever-evolving creative spirit, the music of Edinburgh, Scotland solo artist Tommy Concrete pushes new boundaries with the upcoming album 'Hexenzirkel' (2021). Due out via Trepanation Records later this year, Hexenzirkel features an array of guest artists and incorporates unexpected musical genres to deliver a soundscape that fans of Devin Townsend, Ihsahn, Wino, and Mike Patton will enjoy.

Lyrically, Concrete considers the album an exploration of psychosis of which he was diagnosed in 2019. A condition which he came to terms with during the global pandemic, in so far as it gave him the drive to create Hexenzirkel. The lyrics were written in order as they appear on the album, in almost diary format from March 2020 – May 2020.

Concrete, who is autistic, experiences synesthesia which is the ability to experience sound and music visually. His recent Unrelaxed 1 & 2 albums had neurodiversity as the lyrical concept. This time Concrete decided to represent neuro-diversity musically, by utilizing his synesthesia as a creative tool. Such as drawing the music first and composing the songs to fit the shapes and colors. Hexenzirkel is literally the sound and shape (if you have synesthesia) of psychosis.

Trauma by Tommy Concrete

Hexenzirkel contains more doom metal influences than his previous releases. A genre he is more known for outside his solo work, having most recently appeared in three of the forty bands of the recent ‘Doomed & Stoned in Scotland’ (2021) compilation, namely Psychotic Depression, Jackal Headed Guard of the Dead and of course Tommy Concrete.

He has taken a definite turn from his time with Scottish punk legends The Exploited, forging his own solo identity. Now with Hexenzirkel, his ninth solo album and the second with Trepanation, Concrete welcomes a wealth of collaborators to continue this musical evolution. "The word 'Hexenzirkel' is German for 'witches coven,' which I felt was an appropriate title as so many people have contributed to the album," he says.

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