#I could write a whole post about his guilt to chat and how chat directly inflicted that guilt and need to work from the start | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rosyk · 4 years ago

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pairing: yang jeongin (as John) x reader (as Sera)

genre: light academia(at least that’s what it’s supposed to be), light angst, girl in love, romance, fluff, royalty

warnings: mentions of blood and self harm

word count: 5.0k

inspiration: White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: Yes this is the same inspiration from the past post I had but the story is more directed from the song than the other one. It came out different than I thought it would be(quite disappointing), but I hope you’ll like this one as well! Just some little angsty angst.

White flowers. It was once a symbol of our relationship. I loved how they look so peaceful and pure, exactly like how you described me. They were either standing on my porch, sitting inside the mail in front of my tiny house, or lying under the mat. I loved finding my favorite ones whenever it’s our anniversary or on my birthday and let them inside the drawers for safe keeps. You never failed to place thrill in this us. When did I deserve such a guy?

[3RD PERSON]

“My lady, a letter has been sent” Mr. George called up to the lass as she immediately rushed down the long, grand marble stairs in a fluttering flowy dress.

“I’m coming!” she responded and was skipping throughout the whole dash to the point that the lady didn’t even notice her parents with her fellow friends sitting near the courtyard, having some tea.

“Oh dear,” the father massaged his forehead and cried out. In response, the men in the room laughed in the view in front of them. Who’d knew that the respectable man from the authorities would be anguished over a simple matter? Frowns were apparent after the father in despair continued his exclaim. “Just wait until your daughter would find a new kid better than his daddy.” Now, it was time for the ladies to laugh.

“Stop being dramatic, love. Things will always get to this. They’d soon start to be like us and even have new kids!” The wife interrupted, teasing his husband a bit more.

“Let me guess, the mother-daughter bond was closer together?” The damsel who sat directly in front of them started a conversation the man least wanted to hear. It was a rare sight to see so they took the opportunity.

“Be careful, Dieur. Your wife was against men in the past. She must’ve talked bad about you.” The father’s closest friend decided to speak up and join the amusement. Despite the father having a bad mood, the atmosphere lightened up. They continued to chat while staring at the young lady in love from afar.

“Mr. George, is it from him?” The lady in the dress who wasn’t able to sleep well because of excitement asked the butler. As if he knew who she meant all along, he passed on the letter with a sealed stamp.

“It’s better to see it for yourself, my lady. Though there are no other more possibilities to receive a letter from anyone different” the butler smiled as he replied. It was pleasing for him to see Sera finally receiving love from the people outside, and not just the ones in the household.

“Oh thank you so much! You’re the best!” Sera hugged the old butler that was flustered and surprised by her sudden actions. He melted in the embrace of the younger one because he acted like her father who was always there for her when Dieur is busy with court duties.

Sera rushed up back to her room and ignored her mother’s muffled words as she was already far away. Tiny heels were clicking and that served as a reminder to the maids that she had already arrived. Plopping herself in bed, the girl squealed with delight.

Barging in the lady’s room, the housekeepers couldn’t hold themselves back. “So, what did he write this time?” Their eyes shone stars and a few tiny jumps were done. Each one of them bickered and shared their opinions on what he’d say for the grand day.

The girl holding the love letter shushed the rowdy crowd and stood up to do her usual routine. The audience knew what she was doing and sighed in frustration. Of course, it was an important letter for Sera. She had to make sure she read it in a room she’s comfortable in to make the writings unforgettable and imprinted in her mind. Firstly, she pulled the big and red curtains, leaving them untied, to cover up the whole scene and feel the calmness of the room. The ones waiting, hurriedly fixed her letters inside the drawer in order but the lady shot them a glare. They whined in response, but all Sera could do was chuckle. After arranging the love letters collected, she positioned herself on the chair beside the bed and turned on the lampshade. As if she was telling a story, the maids began to encircle her at the moment she started to read it aloud.

“How enchanting! It feels so dreamy!” Vanessa, one of the viewers, clasped her hands together and danced with an imaginary partner, earning herself giggles from everyone in the chamber.

This act reminded another servant and made sure to ask her regarding the grand ball. The maids once again clapped in enthusiasm. If anything, they’re the ones who anticipated the male more than Sera herself. Lily, the youngest maid who was 14, opened up first and visualized how the male would arrive.

Their talk reached hours and honestly, Sera was excited with the discussion although she seemed to turn down the ideas a moment ago.

[NIGHT]

The lady wanted to sleep so she could wake up early as soon but the thoughts were forcing her not to. She reminisced their memories before finally deciding to follow the call of her bed.

They haven’t seen each other for years but it remained vivid in her. She remembered how he’d confess out of the blue, sneaked in her room without her parents knowing so she’d be able to sleep well, calls every night, and made sure she was confident with herself. That’s how ideal this guy is.

[NARRATION]

Sera knew it was morning either because she was woken up by the noises from the crowd gathering or she hasn’t slept well again because of excitement. Fortunately, the guy in front of her didn’t know she was really tired, or else he’d be worried and force her to leave the ball and sleep. Of course, the girl never wanted that to happen because she wanted to spend more time with the perfect figure she’s been dancing with.

“Sera, did you have a good night's sleep?” The girl’s little prince asked. Sera hesitated and gulped as she looked into the man’s face who seemed to be amused with what he’s seeing. Okay, maybe he did know things after all.

“Not to worry, I know you had awaited this ball years ago. I won’t let you leave” The man chuckled in delight and it surely made her flutter. What made it more interesting was the fact that he didn’t know she’d cry over this ball just to see him in her sight. Oh, how the lass loved to be in his embrace once again.

The boy placed his huge arms behind the girl’s back and pulled her closer to him. Resting her head in between his neck and shoulder, as they danced to the lovely melodies of the piano playing “ A dream is a wish your heart makes”.

“John, I kept all your love letters in my drawer” Sera boasted proudly and wore a tiny smirk that made John smile. It took seconds before he could reciprocate what Sera just said. As soon as he got the grasp of it, both of his eyebrows rose.

“But I’ve written those way before I courted you!” He whisper shouted in shock which caused him to grip her hands tighter but not to the point that it hurt. The girl too was influenced by his sudden emotions and looked at him blank, blinking quite a few times.

“Is it bad?” Sera’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. Negative thoughts came up to her; what if he wouldn’t like me or did I do something wrong? She bit her lip and sulked a bit, forming a little pout in her seemingly heart-shaped lips.

“I’ve probably sent 500 of them by now” John’s expression was clear. He was confused, thinking how ridiculous the idea might have been. He sent letters for her to read but not to the point of storing everything when he had done that years ago.

“It’s actually 678” The girl looked down without knowing why. He couldn’t stare at his eyes, wondering whether it’s because of the embarrassment that made her wished to be swallowed up by the ground any moment now or maybe because of her guilt as if she had done something wrong because that’s what John made her feel.

The man decided to shrug the idea off because he realized how the girl felt. This wasn’t their expected first encounter after she had been waiting for months and he thought it was probably just him dramatically overreacting towards a simple matter. He wanted to cheer her up so he gave an unforeseen remark.

“You just love me, don’t you?” Sera managed to look back at him just to see a teasing smile. She giggled softly and pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes as if she was thinking. John groaned playfully with the fake hesitation the lady was showing.

“Do I?” Both of her eyebrows rose in shock and questioned. The lass took her hand off his to brush his shoulder, tidying the non-existent dust in a sassy manner. John broke out a tiny smile before choosing to join in her play.

“Oh I know you do, love” He stated and retrieved her hand in the right place it was destined to be. They began waltzing in a slow tempo as he kissed her hand in between, which left the lass in true shock because of his sudden movements. A grin was evident in the man and so she began to laugh quietly, shaking her head on both sides as a matter of disbelief.

“But I don’t think so” Sera kept teasing as John continued to respond so cheekily. She tiptoed a bit to reach his height as she went closer to her face. Of course, John wouldn’t give up in this encouraging situation.

“You do”

“I do?”

Their faces went closer until Sera tried to cover up her blushing face with her hands. The man wouldn’t let her hand go and so as she tried to stand properly on the ground and lowered herself from tiptoeing, he placed his hand at her back and pulled her closer. The girl flinched quite a bit in his touch, which the guy never failed to not notice. He wore a smug look and rose one of his eyebrows, tilting his head to look straight at her eyes. The lady’s face started to heat further than ever. Thus, she struggled away from the embrace but the more she tried, the little the gap is in between their faces. It was all fun and games until their nose brushes against each other and they could hear breathings.

“I could hear your heartbeat from here” John’s whisper sent chills to the lady all over her body. Because he doesn’t want anyone to hear for the moment, he lowered the volume of his voice causing him to lower the tone unintentionally as well. The best description would be a seductive whisper girls would swoon over. That was how lucky Sera was, she thought.

John looked at her lips and tilted his head, in which she could assume he was going for it. She gulped and just as she was about to close her eyes, loud claps and squeals echoed around the room. Right, they were in the ball and they’ve almost forgotten, she reminded herself. John kissed her forehead that made her cheeks blush, now looking very obvious. Despite that, she still wished her first kiss would be taken away by him.

[NIGHT AFTER THE BALL]

Sera couldn’t get over the ball yet. While she was eating, reading, and in every step she took, she’d always hum the song played in the dance. It was like a magnificent dream to dance with her prince charming. Her father would start to get annoyed as the maids get jokingly jealous of how lovely she looked being so happy. Though it was already 3 in the morning and the lady was waiting for the call. He never missed a night without calling her until she looked up the letter given. The handwriting wasn’t really clear but it was obvious he wrote it quickly. It says he couldn’t be able to talk on the phone tonight as he had lots of things to do. It wasn’t deep and she knew she should’ve been glad he took time writing the letter just to stop her from worrying. But despite the optimism, she forces herself into, she broke down in tears. Cuddling her pillows as she wept is something that isn’t unusual. It’s been months since he was gone and it’s also been months when she started crying herself to sleep. Even a single evening without him would crash her heart and tear herself apart. It’s also been a long time since she thought if he had lost interest in her. A single missed call is enough to harm the lady so pure.

With nails digging, she just watched the blood flow through her glass skin. It was painful but much better than the call she wasn’t able to receive. Isn’t she enough? Insecurities passed by her mind and all she could do was wail silently that only she could hear, with voice cracking out.

[TIMESKIP- AFTERNOON]

“So I’ve thought about your wedding....and” Before continuing to speak, Sera’s mother took a sip from her cup in the same favorite courtyard she’d always be.

“We could plan the wedding, sooner but not now” Sera casually talked as her parents both stared at her in surprise. Her father choked on his tea and continued coughing, while Sera patted his back and asked if something was wrong in what she just said.

“My, my.... is that really you?” Her mother explained in an accent and scoffed. She wondered when her daughter started to act so maturely as if she didn’t just whine and force them to marry the guy she really loved about a year ago. Was this the effect of the man leaving her for months?

“The drama is real”, Sera thought.

“You’ve grown more mature” The father mentioned like it was the biggest miracle he had seen. He was in delight but turned the usual grumpy old man, the moment her wife started to speak.

“It’s the boy’s effect” The wife tapped his husband’s shoulder to hit his ego, though the context seemed to be like a warning. Sera noticed how off it was for her to mention John so to be rest assured, she asked her mother.

“Boy’s effect? You mean John?” She chuckled and pressed her lips together, waving her hands to dismiss the idea and hoped it isn’t as obvious as it seems. The father on the other hand still doesn’t get the hang of it; john and everything that relates to that bloody guy.

“Yes!” The mother joyously raised her tone and turned herself to have her body directly at Sera. This lets her know that her mother is trying to explain something complicated or unseen. “You have changed greatly, don’t you think?” She continued.

The daughter was left confused and had her eyebrows furrowed. “Changed?” She tilted her head in question and took some time to let the information seep into her mind. Though, she remained clueless.

“In the past, you used to talk about your everyday lives to the point that I grew tired from hearing your stories. But your father? He loved them and wanted to hear more of it. But now that you’ve grown, everything we hear from you is about John” Sera’s mother laughed in a low volume. The conversation ticked the father off so he decided to interrupt and share his thoughts.

“John here, john there. You wouldn’t even bother choosing your wedding because you decided to go with what he wants, even though you’re the bride here. You wore clothes that would impress him every day and can’t stand a night wherein he wouldn’t be able to call. Goodness gracious, where did this john come from?” Dieur ranted and lifted his hands in the air for disapproval. Pity the father, as the ladies could only laugh at his speech. He looked at the two in bewilderment and just after he thought of scolding them, his wife spoke.

“We can’t blame love like roses” The mother stood up and was ready to leave due to an appointment. Once again, Sera was perplexed. She felt like everything her mother says went out of the blue. Is it just her guts or feeling? Or maybe it’s indeed the reality she failed to notice? To calm herself down from the sudden panic that came out of nowhere with no further reason, she asked about it. The father answered the question whilst thinking his wife couldn’t hear the daughter’s request.

“Typical roses where love and passion are as deep as its color and signifies that both partners are ready for commitment. It’s commonly used on marriages, just like the one you’re planning” the father scrunched his nose a bit to show how annoyed and cringe he must’ve heard that statement. Dieur can’t stand the topic and so he left first. Her mother didn’t know he was gone but at the same time, she also hoped her words reached her daughter. Thus, before talking to someone and preparing to step into the little and open carriage, she continued. Her daughter heard it quite muffled and unclear, but her wish and intentions came true.

“Not that one, darling”

[TIMESKIP]

It’s been days since Sera heard her mother’s quote but still doesn’t understand the meaning behind it. It would be pointless to keep asking as her mother makes excuses and changes the topic. All she’d heard from her was “trust me, you will regret hearing this”, and with a smile contrasting the words she spoke, she left the house for a business trip with her father.

“My lady, didn’t you want to visit the garden?” Another butler she hadn’t seen before, which she assumed was new, stepped in after knocking. “The carriage is ready” He bowed and was ready to leave until she called her out.

“Is John already here?” The servant was taken aback by the question but was luckily able to respond.

“Not yet, my lady” He replied and observed her lady’s expressions. Thinking it is about the garden, he was left surprised.

“We’ll wait for him” Sera replied with a tiny smile and shifted her position to get ready. He had it coming but not a single thought came up to him that she’ll risk such an opportunity. It was her dream to get into the secret garden her mother had when she was young. She had waited to step into the magical place for years because it amazed her how the flowers planted are changing every 4 years, but now he’s considered John again.

“Milady, what if he couldn’t come as usual?” He asked once again, tone slightly higher than he intended. All the lady could do was stare at him in frustration as if asking if he would dare repeat the question. He didn’t expect the lady to have a frightening aura, so he apologized for digging in further into personal matters.

The lady exhaled and fidgeted her fingers due to the slight guilt and awkward tension she had created. “That man is just..” trying to find the right word for it, she snapped her fingers. As soon as she got ahold of the perfect one, she continued with a change of mood. “Everything I cannot do without” she smiled and ask for him to leave, which he immediately and willingly did.

The butler walked slowly within the halls and was snapped out of his thoughts after hearing a maiden’s voice and a tap on her shoulders, asking him what’s wrong. He said he was fine but was still confused after the words he had heard; because the man being everything the girl can’t do without, seemed like she was lost in love.

[AFTERNOON]

Sera was figuring out everything she had done wrong as she walked back and forth in her locked room. It also had been weeks since the man said he’ll be hers forever. If you’re thinking that was romantic, that isn’t how it is to her. Somehow, it doesn’t feel the same anymore. Thoughts were rambling inside her head and she felt close to breaking down. “He wouldn’t call it off with me right?” the vulnerable lass fell to her knees and covered her face as she tried to fight back the tears. What would she do if he was planning to leave her? She took a rest while tears were still flowing non-stop.

Hours later, she was woken up by knocks on the door and her tears had dried up. Just to make sure, she placed on little makeup where it was light enough to be noticed. Of course, she’d cry without seeing him for the past months so she should know what to do in order to not get caught.

“Come in” she acted as if she was fixing the books on the shelf but was stunned by the figure standing in front of her. She thought he wouldn’t be able to come, but now here he is.

“John!” She went up to him and hugged him immediately. The man in response hesitatingly stroked her hair. The lass noticed the change and asked him what was wrong.

“Are you fine?” The lass widened her eyes in concern and bit her lips. She was scared and thought about what would happen if her nightmare would turn into reality because there is indeed a possibility. “But that can’t be right?” She thought again, trying to change her mindset for a thousandth time today.

John sat down on her bed and sighed, patting the space beside him. Sera walked slowly and tried to hold his hand but he was quick to pull away. And that’s when she knew, it’s finally happening.

“Don’t you think it’s not working out?”

The lady hiccuped and tried to compose herself. Her hands were shaking and no matter how clear the statement John said, she tried searching for other thoughts that make her rest assured just like the usual. Unfortunately, nothing did make her calm down. “What..what do you mean?” She chuckled as a sign to tell the man it isn’t what she thinks it is; though nothing could change something that already did change, as what the man had thought.

“You turned different, Sera” John looked down and felt guilty but all Sera could do was stare in disbelief. She knows herself so why do people think she had changed? For her, it’s a useless excuse everyone had been using. It’s messing with her mind and made her frustrated with how people acted as they knew her in the very beginning.

“Is this a way of defending yourself?” She spoke in annoyance, which caused John to slouch a bit, feeling apologetic but also tired. He had it coming but never did say he was ready for this talk.

“You don’t understand-“ John had his head up to meet Sera in the eyes and explained himself but was immediately cut off which made him get frustrated as well.

“What don’t I understand-“

“Everything!” The tone John showed was a lot harsher than he thought, but he stood unknowingly due to the patience running out. He pulled his hair and his voice started to crack. It was the first time he showed such a painful sight to Sera, which made the lady sob as well. “I loved you. I loved the girl who made me smile but it felt like the girl just remained in the past. You appreciated me but now, you demanded more. Everything you’re doing makes me feel insecure, Sera. Was I never enough?” The man gripped the sheets and felt the pain hit straight into him. He tried to lessen his cries but the feeling was just too much for him to fix. The partner in front of him placed her hand on his face and managed to wipe her tears, despite the continuous flowing of it. It made her tear up because that was the exact thought she had in mind, turned out it backfired against him.

“No... please, you’re perfect. You loved me perfectly.” Sera managed to talk in between the sobs and stutter. John took off her hand from his face and sighed in a shaking manner. He bit his lips to quiet down his cry to the point that it bled a little.

“Then why do you feel like I didn’t love you like any other? Why do you feel like I’m not giving you the attention you need? Why do you feel like I’m tired of you? Why can’t you make decisions without me as if I feel like I’m trapping your freedom? I just noticed it was different after you scolded me because I wasn’t able to call you the night before. You relied on me wholeheartedly but acted as if I never did gave you almost everything I could” John sighed and walked up to the door. Sera was pleading, begging hopelessly for him not to leave her behind, but he took another step outside the door. She regretted it deep and straight from the heart because unknowingly, it made John feel the pain. She made her insecure after all the overthinking she did in the past nights. It felt as if she didn’t trust John at all.

After a few hours of bawling her eyes out, she ran unto the garden expecting white flowers. She barged in the place, knowing it was probably the time they’ve finished growing the flowers she’d wanted to see with him all this time, yet failed to. But looking around the vast field, it was all red roses. “Maybe it isn’t fate,” she thought and reached out to one of the roses. She was lost in the sight of the magnificent flower that felt different among the others, it was tempting not to touch this one. While wiping away her tears, she felt the thorn under instead and hissed in pain. Looking at the blood, she finally understood her mother’s hidden words.

“At first, before stepping inside, the flower looked the same among all the other roses but I enjoyed the view. I noticed a single flower and loved how deep red it was. Except, it was too enticing that I decided to get in contact with it. I felt the thorn and pain but brushed it off since it was a small one. That’s the context my mother was trying to say all along” she thought and finally figured it out but it wasn’t a celebration to call on, indeed she faced regret.

Their love isn’t as pure as a white flower, but as dangerous as red roses. It was captivating that once she’d entered, there is no escape. John started as someone she passed by through. A typical stranger, nothing new and nothing special. But knowing him better, made her smile. She thought at first it was all happiness and cherishing the moments they’ve created with John, but giving all her mind and focus on him, made her feel the pain that she decided to forget because she thought it would pass by at some time. She placed all the hurt aside because she was too distracted with John.

Sera was crazy in love; except it wasn’t sweet anymore. She changed because of the warmth she felt from the guy but can she blame him? No. And the fact that this matter can’t be solved anymore is what wound her the most. No matter how much she tries again to mend herself and start over with John, it wouldn’t be like those silly fairytales. Because if it’s him, she knew her world would stop again for him to continue.

If only someone had told her what she knew now; losing herself in someone isn’t heaven, it’s hell. But if her mother told her what she noticed, it would be enough for Sera to cut off ties with her parents. That’s how head over heels she was. John was at first her happy pill, which became her dose of medication. It felt like a disease that only he could treat from time to time. It couldn’t even be considered as a cure, because she needed him every day in her life. Her mindset of receiving love from him took an effect as if it were drugs. It pulled her closer and closer that it affected her psychologically, messing with her mind. She was pure but everyone knows she wasn’t naive. But the thought of the lady being too much never went across Sera’s mind; it’s like sinking and sinking in reality though she felt like it was a dream. It was this care given that kept her having the perspective that madness to others, is love to herself. It wasn’t because he was the first one to make her feel the butterflies, she forced her thoughts thinking he was distinct from all the guys that had hurt her. Either it was this drive of finding someone who’d treat her good, or just wanted more of what John could give. “I need you like a heart needs a beat“ didn’t feel pleasing after all. It’s all because she perceived their relationship as building her life on his attention, on being an object of his affection. But all John wanted to have was Sera, the one who’d motivate him to get up from his bed. It hurts the most because even Sera misses herself. But “you can be who you wanted to be“ wasn’t true all this time because as simple as going back to her usual self, isn’t a piece of cake when John is around. It’s not that they weren’t meant to be, it all just went wrong because she loved him unhealthily to the point that she had forgotten why he had loved her in the first place. Her love reached beyond the limits; pulling her closer to insanity.

Now crazy in love don’t feel sweet, cause I’m with you but I miss me

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sage-nebula · 4 years ago

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Do NOT reblog, or I will delete the post and block you.

There are so many posts on here about “eldest daughter this” and “oldest sibling that” but there are no posts that talk about what it’s like to be the middle sibling when your oldest sibling is a complete and utter fuckup in basically every way.

I’m technically the middle child. I have a sister who’s 8.5 years older than I am, and a (technically step-)brother who’s nine months younger than I am. My brother became my brother when I was six and he was five, so the “step-” determination is really meaningless, but I added it to explain how he could be my brother when he’s only nine months younger than I am. Anyway. I have two siblings, one older and one younger, and so that makes me the middle child, right?

Well, yes . . . but also no.

As you could surmise by the opening paragraph, my older sister fucked up in basically every conceivable way. I won’t get into her whole life story here because that’s not my story to tell (though believe me, there are doozies in there), but suffice it to say that every single choice she made is one that most parents would disapprove of. All three of my parents certainly did. And so what do you think happened when it came to me?

I’ll tell you what happened.

Because my older sister fucked up in every way one could possibly fuck up, there was a fear, I suppose, or a concern that I would, for whatever godforsaken reason, follow in her footsteps even though the two of us could not be more different in terms of attitude, outlook, goals, et cetera. As a result, if I did even the slightest thing wrong, the punishment hammer came down on me with all the might of Thor celebrating a delicious beverage. I failed geometry in junior year of high school due to an undiagnosed learning disability (along with undiagnosed severe depression and an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, all following years of abuse at my biological mother’s hands), and I was put under lockdown for the entire summer. I was not allowed to leave the house except to go to summer school, I was not allowed to talk to or see any of my friends, or play video games, or watch television, or be on the internet, or read, or write fiction, or do basically anything besides the aforementioned summer school and listening to music. To this day, my parents think this was a good decision on their part even though they now know about the learning disability and myriad of mental illnesses. They think it was a good call for them to punish me like they did.

And so you would say, okay, but if they punished you that severely because they didn’t want you to end up a drug-addicted high school dropout like your sister, surely they would level the same punishments against your brother, especially since you two were so close in age! Well, you would think that, but nope!

Instead, when my brother was around seventeen, he got pulled over and arrested for marijuana possession. (I think he was pulled over in the first place for speeding, but I can’t remember.) His punishment was to have his car taken away for six months. That’s it. He still had all of his other privileges, was not punished in any other way, he just could not drive for six months. He got in actual legal trouble, but he was still allowed to have hobbies.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that my brother should have been punished more harshly, per se. I’m only saying there was a stark difference in the way that we were treated that my family refuses to acknowledge or own up to even to this day, and it all comes down to the fact that I was never cut slack in either direction. If I was compared to my older sibling, then the fact that she had screwed up so royally in basically every single way meant that I would be made to stand at attention so I could be yelled at for an hour for failing a math class, and then continue to be berated and insulted for how I was clearly never going to college (I have a master’s now, by the by) because of it over the next few days, and yelled at further for having “nothing to say to myself” in the face of all the lecturing. But if I was compared to my younger sibling, why, then it should be expected that he always gets off easier, because he’s younger than I am and the baby of the extended family and, well, I’m older and more mature, so I can handle it better, anyway. And I mean, I guess, for the record, true; I took my punishment in silence because as a victim of child abuse for basically my entire life I never stood up for myself against my parents back then and always just stayed quiet to try to make punishments worse, whereas he threw fits about having his keys taken away every single day for those six months, but also we have to consider how “mature” one really is if that “maturity” stems from a decade and plus some of child abuse.

Because see, that’s the thing, and what has made me really start thinking about this the past few days. I mentioned it on twitter, but a week ago I got into a fight with my mom (stepmom, the better of the two) over politics that has effectively led to her disowning me, I think, which in turn means that my dad has disowned me as well, I think, because I’m pretty sure he’s going to take her side on this one. I won’t get into the actual subject matter here, but the long and short of it is that she accused me of “attacking” her when I wasn’t, and has since then refused to speak to me, even when I tried to offer an olive branch by texting her that fine, I wouldn’t talk to her about politics, but I still loved her. She left me on Read. So the way I see it, she’s not talking to me until I apologize, and I won’t apologize, so she’ll never talk to me and I’m just effectively disowned, I guess. It’s not exactly the first time I’ve lost a parent, and actually, it’s kind of in the same way as the last time.

Fifteen years ago, I left my abusive biological mother to live with my dad and stepmom. (I’m going to keep using stepmom to keep it clear from here on out, just as I use biological mother, even though I do call my stepmom “mom” and consider her as such.) At first my biological mother kept trying to reach out with her pity party guilt tripping about how lonely she was and how much she needed me and yadda yadda, but in the last phone conversation we had, she called me a traitor for leaving her. Keep in mind, I was 15, and she was abusive to the point where the neighbors could hear every profanity and threat she screamed at me from down the street. They told me this. They also told me they always thought about calling CPS, but they never did, but whatever. The point is, on that last phone conversation, she called me a traitor for leaving her. I told her that I wasn’t. She said that I was. I told her I didn’t have to listen to that. She said I did. I said I didn’t, and hung up the phone. I expected her to call right back to curse me out . . . but she never did.

That was fifteen years ago, and we’ve never spoken since.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to speak to her. Actually, the one time it looked like it might happen (at my sister’s wedding), my Fight or Flight response kicked in when I saw her walking toward me and I bolted. I had a panic attack so bad I felt like I was going to vomit. It’s really embarrassing to admit that, but it’s true. The only time I’ve seen her since was at my nephew’s high school graduation (which is the only graduation she got to attend for anyone directly related to her, since my sister dropped out and she didn’t attend mine), but although we made eye contact I looked away pretty quickly and, again, didn’t speak to her. Again, I don’t want to speak to her, this isn’t me complaining, I’ve not lost a single wink of sleep for the fact that she never reached out again despite how my dad likes to go on and on about how she should have “never stopped trying.” (But also, he never picks up the phone to call me for a chat either, despite always telling me how I should call him, so.)

But I just can’t help but notice the similarity. Once again, I have a mother who is refusing to speak to me because she feels I’ve wronged her in some way, and if I want a relationship, then I have to be the one to reach out (even though I already did, but was left on Read, so she wants me to reach out in a very specific way that she won’t even articulate). This isn’t the first time that she (and my dad) have done this, either. When I studied abroad in London, we got into a fight over something stupid over Skype, and I hung up the call. I was 19/20, so you know, not fully mature, but expected to be. Two weeks of silence passed before I had to call them to apologize, because even though their daughter was in a completely foreign country and, hell, could’ve been dead for all they knew, they wanted to Teach Me A Lesson, with that lesson being that unless I behaved the Right Way, they wouldn’t be there for me. And I guess here we are now, about eleven years later, having come full circle with that.

And you know what? I’m tired of it.

Because here’s the thing about being the second child when the first child is a fuckup in every way: you are expected to not only not fall into those same pitfalls, but also to excel in every single possible way. Not only in terms of grades or whatever else, but also in terms of emotional maturity and support for the parents. This veers into the abuse I experienced, I know (at least some of it), but you know how I mentioned that my biological mother kept going on and on about how much she needed me and whatnot? This is because instead of treating me like her daughter, I was instead treated like her combo maid-servant-therapist. It was my job to wait on her hand and foot when she was home, whether that was through fetching her coffee or being in charge of the refrigerator remaining operational (this sounds specific because it is; when I was about 13 the refrigerator broke and she yelled at me for a.) not knowing it was going to break and b.) not doing anything to prevent it breaking), but also she laid out all of her problems to me day after day, month after month, year after year. Do you know how many times I had to sit and listen to the “your father ran out on me after 22 years of marriage” speech? And when I finally asked her if she could stop she yelled at me because I clearly let him badmouth her but I wouldn’t let her do the same. (He actually didn’t, and neither did my stepmom. She was the only one remaining bitter.) She “needed” me because I was the emotional pillar on top of which sat her own degrading stability. The second time I told her that I wanted to live with my dad (because I told her to her face that I wanted to switch the custody agreement twice, and got browbeaten down twice, before I finally left in secret and didn’t tell her until I was already at his place), she picked up smoking cigarettes again after having quit smoking while she was hospitalized for undiagnosed diabetes and told me that it was my fault that she was smoking again, because I had stressed her out so badly by telling her that I wanted to leave. And like, one, obviously I wanted to leave, is there any question of why I wanted to leave or why that wouldn’t make me just want to leave more? But also two, the point I’m getting at here is that it was always about her, always about her emotional needs, never about mine. My emotional wellbeing was never a priority in that house. I was always expected to be there for her, that was my entire purpose as her daughter.

With my dad and stepmom it was obviously different, and in a lot of ways it was better because, god, I hated having to be the recipient of the constant stream of stress and misery from my biological mother. My dad and stepmom had each other, so I never had to hear about their woes for the most part. But at the same time, look at what happened when I failed geometry; instead of looking into seeing if they could get me diagnosed with a learning disability, or maybe actually listening to me when I said I felt “burnt out” and pushing a little harder for me to go to therapy, my dad instead yelled at me for an hour and several days after, insulted me, told me I was never going to succeed, and put me under lockdown for the entire summer, cutting me off from my support network of friends. I came from a background of 15 years of abuse, and one fuckup a year or so later lead not to a reexamination of how I was doing, but instead a severe punishment so that I “wouldn’t do it again.” I couldn’t pass a math class in university and in my final year I finally broke and went to my parents about how I really wasn’t going to graduate college because of it, and they agreed to pay to get me examined for a learning disability which, whoops, looks like I had! And my dad still blames me for waiting for so long to get diagnosed and not telling him sooner, when the last time he found I failed a math class that summer lockdown happened. He still hasn’t put the pieces together between that lockdown and why I didn’t tell him about the math classes I failed in university. Amazing.

My point is, with my dad and my stepmom, it wasn’t so much that they used me as an emotional sponge or pillar, but rather that they were pretty much uninvolved so long as I performed adequately, and was the model daughter they could be Oh So Proud Of, but the moment I slipped, bam! Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not contact your friends. My emotional needs were still not a priority because it wasn’t about whether or not I was okay, but whether or not it looked like I was doing okay in ways that were quantifiable, such as my grades. And I mean, to be fair, I wasn’t exactly keen on opening up about my feelings at that age and I was a pro at masking how I felt and acting like everything was fine because my biological mother would berate me on the car rides to school each morning to the point of tears, and then would yell at me more about how I better clean myself up because god help me if any teachers saw me crying, which would make them think she was a bad parent and that, too, would be my fault. (Protip: Washing your face with very cold water helps clear away the puffiness around the eyes that can be a tell you’ve been crying.) But even so, again, that puts the responsibility on me to do the Right Thing so that they could be there for me emotionally as my parents, and that is just—

I’m so tired of it, man!

I have had three parents and yet have never had the unconditional love of one. Never. My stepmom once tried telling me that she and my dad would love me unconditionally when I was a teen and she was trying to get me to admit I was a lesbian (funny thing is, even I didn’t know I was gay at the time), and my dad walked through the living room and, not even knowing what we were talking about, was like, “No we won’t.” So that was great. But the thing is this whole thing proves that she was full of it, too. Because they tolerate me being gay (while still trying to set me up with men), but because I won’t apologize to my mom when I haven’t done anything wrong but she feels like I have, she’s giving me the complete and total silent treatment until I do. Because I didn’t perform in the way I’m supposed to, because I wasn’t The Mature One, I’m being cut off. Because it’s my job to be The Mature One, because I was always The Mature One, because I never had any goddamn choice in the matter and the dysfunctional environment I was in when I lived with my biological mother (+ my sister, her baby daddy-now-husband, and their two very young children whom I was often put in charge of despite being in middle school at the time because their parents were often too busy doing drugs and/or sleeping to care for them) required it. Because I had to be Kept In Line so that I wouldn’t end up like my sister, but also it was just me that had to be kept in line despite how close in age my brother and I were. And again, I’m not saying that I wish my brother had also been punished harshly, but more that I wish that, you know, maybe some mercy could have been doled out to me, except it wasn’t, because I had two siblings on either side to be compared to and as a result one toe out of the line resulted in a smiting.

But in the end, it isn’t even really about that. This post isn’t really about how I’m simultaneously the eldest daughter but also the second child. It’s more about the fact that I’ve had three parents and yet have never had the unconditional love of even one, even from the one who said I had it. It’s about how my emotional needs were never a priority for any of the parents in my life. It’s about how I basically had to raise myself and it’s a real goddamn wonder I’m not even more screwed up than I actually am because of it. And it’s also about how I really miss therapy and haven’t been able to go for a long time, and I think this rambling stream of consciousness post proves that I really, really need to find a new therapist so I can go back again, because goddamn.

Anyway, once again, do NOT reblog this or I will delete it and block you, I just needed to get this off my chest, but I need it to stay here. Thank you.

#NO REBLOGS--//-- putting it there for good measure too #very personal ranting about past child abuse because it's 2am and I can't sleep & my life story is a Mess #and also I'm presently disowned from my parents etc etc that's what brought this on #''Gee Scrawlers why do you have such a preference for loving parent-child found family relationships in fiction?''#well [gestures above] does that answer your question or #not all of a person's fictional preferences are derived from their trauma but boy #some of them sure ass can be #anyway #i need to find a new therapist probably sooner rather than later

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mittensmorgul · 5 years ago

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Who is Belphegor?

I mean, who is he, really? There’s a possibility that he’s exactly what he claims to be, but everything in me is screaming THIS IS A ZEKE SITUATION, and we don’t yet understand his true motives or identity. Since 15.01 aired, I’ve been playing around with theories, and I’ve got it narrowed down to a few I would really enjoy. I think I’ve talked about (or around) each of these theories in my tag for Belphie, and you can go read those posts here for further edification and general waffling on my part.

1. Belphegor. He might actually be exactly what he says he is. I mean, why NOT believe him? Reasons FOR the theory:

because he said so

his general behavior fits what we know about the demon Belphegor in a general sort of way

Reasons AGAINST the theory:

because he said so, and we’re watching Supernatural

the two characters I’ve seen most people ping to in reaction to him are RUBY (who lied about her entire motivation for befriending them and being helpful) and EZEKIEL (who lied about his identity and motives from the moment he showed up, and was actually Gadreel... which went over swimmingly)

his appearance was entirely too ~convenient~ to believe it at face value (he was the ONLY demon to pop out of hell in that mess, conveniently knew the exact spells they needed to get out of that predicament, is REALLY good at manipulating TFW specifically, etc. etc.)

what kind of torturer is AFRAID of the things he tortures? why would a demon fear a human ghost?

What kind of demon would ASK FOR A SACK OF SALT and then handle said salt as if it was nothing?

2. The Shadow. This was one of my first thoughts, even before the episode aired, because of the situation we knew to be true of Jack, where he was at the end of 14.20, and what he was DOING there-- i.e. having a friendly chat with Billie and the Shadow, and what the PR said about Jack feeling conflicted about returning to his body because of guilt. This felt like one of those situations that Billie would need to have HANDLED SOONEST, and the Shadow was conveniently RIGHT THERE to fill in for Jack. We already know he has the power to appear to be other beings (Cas faced him as himself in the Empty, and couldn’t tell he wasn’t Dumah in Heaven, for example), and can theoretically convincingly take on the form of whatever he wants to T-1000 style. That said, Reasons FOR:

Incredibly powerful being who could pull off everything we saw Belphegor do

snarky personality that also lines up with what we saw

INTENSE PERSONAL DIRECT KNOWLEDGE of the contents of Cas’s knowledge bank, his emotions and personality, feelings “i tiptoed through all your little tulips” style

can appear to be other types of beings in a way that Cas can’t perceive his true nature and accepts what he does see as truth

we don’t know the scope of his powers or abilities outside of the Empty or Heaven, or how he would be limited or affected by possessing a human-ish body (explaining his discomfort around a human soul since they aren’t relegated to his domain upon death, and his particular vulnerability to injury and pain in a human-ish body)

The Empty is outside of God’s purview, and therefore he may be able to operate in complete stealth without alerting Chuck to his presence on Earth in a way literally no other being could, making him the ultimate secret agent here

literally ZERO other demons seem to have escaped Hell during this containment breach. Every other being who got out has been a human soul.

Reasons AGAINST:

we just don’t know what he’s actually up to in canon. He could still be in the Empty babysitting Jack (not that we know that would be a limitation on where he could still be, if he could just scoop out a pile of goo-him and send a bit of himself off to animate Jack’s body for a while, but we don’t know if that’s possible, either)

3. Metatron. Based on what we know of how the Empty works, and how Metatron specifically died, there’s a good chance we’re seeing the return of Metatron for one of two separate reasons. He died without grace-- as a human-- so theoretically he would’ve gone to heaven, right? Like Jack did in 14.08? We know the Empty didn’t invade Heaven for HIS soul, though, so there’s a possibility that he may have gone directly to the Empty anyway. Though the way Amara killed him... there’s a chance he was “absorbed” into her (like she stated several other times happened when she “consumed” souls, you know? but we don’t know exactly what happened to Metatron other than he disappeared into a lil poof of darkness, so this is entirely theoretical conjecture). But I’ve long paralleled Amara to the Empty, and I don’t think there’s really a functional difference between being consumed by Amara and being sent to the empty, you know? They are both The Void. I literally JUST wrote this post, which inspired me to make a list in the first place, where you can read my thoughts in detail. Reasons FOR:

talk about someone ready to play foil to Chuck, the writer out of control in desperate need of an editor. Think 11.20, to the nth degree here.

golly he KNOWS Chuck’s whole “writing process,” and NOBODY is more familiar with the entire body of Chuck’s writing, going all the way back to creation

Even after he lost his mojo, he was still proficient in the sorts of spells we saw Belphegor pull out of thin air, you know?

he’s also the exact sort of snarky Belphegor has been

he was weirdly obsessed with Cas’s trenchcoat (lol, abomination) and had a MASSIVE jealous-on for Cas in general

the spell Belphegor used to erect the wall referencing river imagery (the river shall end at its source and all that)

metatron’s reluctance to engage in “direct combat” himself, and his comments to Cas from the get-go that he needed Cas because he’s not a warrior himself, which lines up with the “bad ghost! no!” behavior when faced with a direct confrontation

tangential to the above point, the fact he died HUMAN without supernatural powers would leave him vulnerable to injury from a ghost, as well as the “general pains of humanity” we saw demonstrated when Constance was able to cut his hand and cause him physical pain that way

Metatron, being the Scribe of God who basically possesses not only the knowledge of all of creation and a vast swath of human writings as well, would love the sort of game of pretending to be a specific demon this way, and would love the subterfuge of it all as well

He is REALLY good at this sort of manipulation

theoretically whether he went to heaven or the empty, billie was on hand to fetch him out and sign him up for service

Reasons AGAINST:

we don’t know where metatron went after he died, and if Amara did consume him it might not be possible to have brought him back (unless Amara is also part of this bigger cosmic plotting and helped his return the way she did with Mary, so this might not be a reason against after all)

would Metatron be able to cloak his true identity behind a false mask of a “true demon face” that Cas identified immediately? (unless he was, again, helped along with that by the Shadow or Amara... we don’t know if their powers would extend to that)

it’s a possibility that-- for whatever reason-- his soul did end up in Hell-- whether by nature of his “sins” or by design of some outside force (Bobby ended up wrongfully in Hell, too, so who knows), and he has actually become a demon, but this seems incredibly unlikely... would his soul have been demonized yet? it’s only been a few years... and again, this is pure conjecture for the sake of argument, and not based in anything in canon.

4. Balthazar. I mean, for all the reasons I stated above for Metatron being handy and ready to serve, and possibly getting an assist from Billie or the Empty to cloak his “true identity,” we know he would’ve been handily found in the Empty. Reasons FOR:

Belphegor kinda sounds like Balthazar... especially the way the being himself pronounced it (more like Belphagar)

readily to hand in the Empty and familiar with all the players on the board

broadly fits within the personality of Belphegor, known to have participated in a “menage a... what’s the french word for twelve?” aka an orgy

lol Belphegor is the Infernal Ambassador to France and that would be a hilarious coincidence... >.>

Balthazar is good at subterfuge, resourceful, good at spellwork (he was the one buying human souls in 6.03)

also pretty good at subterfuge and spy work, though Cas did see through him (sadly) and killed him for it once upon a time...

Reasons AGAINST:

would he be able to cloak his true identity? basically apply what I said about Metatron for this one

Belphegor’s speech patterns. He uses a lot of “filler words,” and Balthazar... didn’t. Then again, he uses SO MANY of them that it could be a deliberate affectation

the line about Cas’s trenchcoat (the one in the dirty trenchcoat, who’s in love with you), so he doesn’t have any particular reason to refer to it as an “abomination,” though it’s not entirely out of the question

5. A Random Reaper. Billie may have ordered one of her Reaper Babysitters to make sure Jack’s body remained safe and viable for when he was ready to return, as well as allow one of her reapers to... to quote Dean from 6.09... “interact more forcefully” with creation. Reasons FOR:

would report directly to Billie, and give Billie an on the spot window on the Winchesters

intimately familiar with the Winchesters from having kept tabs on them for the last several years

have the innate ability to control others’ perceptions of them and the world in general, so disguising their true form from Cas would’ve been easy

Reasons AGAINST:

do reapers have any other magical abilities beyond their known functions?

WHY would A REAPER be afraid of a human ghost? Literally their JOB is dealing with human ghosts

I don’t think a reaper would’ve been able to have been injured by a ghost, unless these ghosts have somehow been “supercharged” by the way Chuck forced their souls from hell... one screenshot of the ghost Cas smashed with the big stone slab showed a weird glowy-orange patch on its shoulder, almost as if it had been “marked by Chuck” and granted some sort of special dispensation of powers, like we know all those sorts of “marks” on people have in SPN canon, so this may not be an issue against.

Billie’s own “clean hands” policy for reapers... if that’s something that would still bind their actions if Billie gave them a direct order to play this specific role now.

Other theories I’ve considered are that it could be a specific reaper-- thinking possibly Tessa, since she was already in the Empty, too, and I just love her and hate what happened to her. Or possibly a random other demon, but again most of the reasons I objected to it being Belphegor apply to other demons even more strongly to Random Demon Minion #3, too. It might be a specific demon we’ve known in the past, or someone we’d known as a human who’s since become a demon, but again... that seems highly doubtful. It could also potentially be Goocifer, i.e. dead!Lucifer, but I don’t think the Shadow would’ve allowed him to just trip out of the Empty so easily. Though he did have a connection to Jack, and after death it’s possible his attitude toward everything has... shifted? the way Billie said hers did after ascending to the mantle of Death and she saw a bigger cosmic picture. If he’s had an enlightenment of sorts in death, this could be a possibility, but again... I think it’s less likely than the above notions but not something I can discount entirely, unfortunately. If he’d been “specifically depowered” like he’d been when his grace had been drained, that could explain his ability to have been injured by a ghost, for example, but would he even have the ability to hide his true form from Cas-- an angel he literally knows from the inside out, having possessed him for half a year... >.>

I’ll update this list as canon unfolds. :D

#spn s15 spoilers #spn 15.01 #belphegor #spn s15 speculation

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lokisasylum · 5 years ago

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If you’re a Taehyung stan, please read this

Okay, at first i wasn’t gonna talk about this because its kind of a touchy subject, a little controversial and honestly I don’t feel like giving clout to this person. So for the sake of this post I will not even mention her name.

(No, no, wait. Don’t get any wrong ideas. This has nothing to do with Shipping Wars or the whole Tae-hates-Jimin-agenda blahblahblah.)

I don’t know if you guys have noticed that a fairly new youtuber arose with this weird AF channel, messy as hell videos and honestly people in general were ignoring her, almost little to no views and zero comments.

But what drew my attention was that in the past days (5-6 days or so), she suddenly starts mentioning Taehyung in her videos (title and all) along with L*e J*nghyun of CN//Blue. And the first thing that came to my mind was:

“Oh my god... not this shit again with the whole B*rning S*n issue and people still trying to connect Tae into this whole mess.”

Because we KNOW how hard people have been trying to create scandals out of nothing for BTS. So, of course I stupidly clicked on it to see what it was all about.

AND HO-BOY ....WAS THIS ALOT TO UNPACK...

So this girl, who is NOT Korean (could be American, but I’m not sure), Is dead-ass alleging to have not only met Le* J*nghyun through tumblr was it? (and maybe later on they kept chatting elsewhere) But that she somehow got into an ONLINE RELATIONSHIP with him for a span of 4 years. A relationship that, according to her, became toxic real quick. Making her a victim of (online) abuse by this Idol.

Now, you might be wondering: “Okay, but what the fuck does this have to do with Taehyung?”

So get this.

This girl?? Is not only claiming to have been in an ONLINE relationship with a Korean Idol that she says she met on tumblr or whatever. But she is also stating that Taehyung is a direct witness to this “relationship”. Because according to her, she and Tae have been “really close friends/best friends (ONLINE)” since 2015 and they have this “special bond/relationship” where Taehyung supposively used to call her on her cellphone frequently.

BUT NOT ONLY THAT!

That Taehyung himself tried to stop or warn her about getting into that relationship with J*nghyun. That he “called her the same day that she accepted” and now “regrets not waiting a few minutes longer” to for his call, otherwise “she wouldn’t have accepted.”

OH MAN HOLYSHIT, BATMAN!

I know!

This all sounds like some deep ass AO3/Wattpad level, Idol/fem!reader, scenario type of shit.

But wait! THERE’S MORE.

This girl is reaching SO FAR that she made up this WHOLE ASS analysis/theory stating the following:

- That Taehyung has been living with a lot of regrets since then. (Funny she would say this, when there’s a post she wrote on her twitter saying that she didn’t recognize Taehyung UNTIL RECENTLY since she “met him in 2015 [ONLINE] before he became famous” as if BTS debuted in 2015 instead of 2013. So her story is full of contradictions all over)

- That whenever he sings, he is singing TO HER.

- That all of his solo songs (Stigma, Singularity, 4 O’ Clock, Scenery and even Winter Bear) were ALL written by him, ABOUT HER and what she went through and the guilt he “still feels” for not being able “to save her”. So this “makes her happy” to know that “Tae still thinks about her all the time.” (When WE, as ARMY, KNOW that Namjoon is the one who wrote Stigma based on Demian, 4 O’ Clock which is a song Tae secretly dedicated to JIMIN, and Singularity. Whereas Tae wrote and composed the last two [Though he did needed help from Namjoon for Winter Bear since its 100% in english and he didn’t know if he had worded it correctly].)

That the reason WHY Taehyung refuses to speak of the issue is because Le* J*nghyun’s company is secretly blackmailing/threatening BTS/Bighit to keep quiet (But how could she possibly know this when she doesn’t speak Korean, has never been to Korea and doesn’t seem to have any online friends in the kpop fandom. Much less K-armys unless she’s following or buying info from sasaengs and EVEN THEN--).

But if you think that’s bad/borderline delulu???

The worse part is that she has both a Twitter and Instagram where she writes these things EVERY SINGLE DAY, AT EVERY HOUR. Talks about Taehyung ALOT and in a very creepy, almost stalker-ish matter (also, she ONLY speaks of Taehyung, she never mentions the other members by name, only BTS as a whole/group). And uses every single trending topic/hashtag she can find for the day to bring attention to her posts.

If the trending topic is TrumpsImpeachment? She’s using that.

MentalHealthAwareness? Yep, been there done that.

sexscandal and politics? She’s using those too.

EmpoweringHumanity? BreastCancerAwareness? She’s using it.

A new Anime trending?? She’s on it.

OH AND DID I MENTIONED THAT SHE IS TAGGING BTS AND TAEHYUNG TOO ON THESE POSTS?

NO?

WELL SHE IS.

*EXHALE....*

I... don’t know what this girl is trying to prove, I dunno if she’s just a regular clout chaser/anti spreading rumors/overly obsessed fan cause she is even calling herself “one of many Armys”. And I honestly found it so offensive from her part to be calling herself an ARMY so freely, while at the same time saying that she was gonna expose Taehyung and get him dragged into this scandal one way or another if he, himself, doesn’t "come clean” on his own.

And the reason why I won’t mention her name here is because this is slowly starting to blow up and a lot of people (from different fandoms and even NON-Kpop fans) have started calling her out on her bullshit while also reporting her accounts for slander. I can give you the name through private message, but not here.

So if you guys ever come across something like this or this person and it seems shady as hell. Don’t give the person any attention, just do the typical thing we do: Ignore, Report, Block, and Walk Away (If you can send a screenshot to K-armys to have them report it to Bighit, do so as well).

Don’t engage, because its very clear that this girl is hungry for attention and I’ve seen her use the “mental illness” and “race card” (since she is also a po*c) way too many times in her defense. So for all we know, she could be just trying to provoke the fandom/s and cause a reaction or get a few to attack her directly so that she can come around and drag everyone like it has happened before.

==================

UPDATE: After receiving much backlash & hostility for her behavior, the girl had no choice but to come clean with her claims. And admitted that she did in fact made everything up from the beginning and in addition also admitted to having a serious (personal/emotional/mental) problem which made her believe (in her mind) that she really did have this relationship with an Idol whom she has never met.

#Taehyung #kim taehyung #bts taehyung #vmin #taekook #Army #bts army #vhope #vope #tae stan #bts #bangtan #taejin #taegi #bantansonyeondan

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yogpetshame · 5 years ago

Text

“Interview” with a Sjin Mod

Special project today, a series of conversations in ThatMadCat’s discord with a former Sjin mod (they might beg to differ, but I digress). I wasn’t actually present in any of these conversations, they were mostly spurred by some guy called Allosaurus -

Do you think I spend any time talking to you people? Don’t flatter yourself.

Anyway, commendably they don’t ban Allosaurus when he initiates conversations about how Sjin is a pedophile. But rather, Sjin’s Discord and Twitch moderator, Sieopolitan, runs her mouth willy nilly every time he is brought up.

What follows is one conversation from October, and then two much more recent discussions. I’m going to do the conversations in order, but I will remix the order of the posts for readability.

The results I think you will find enjoyable. And I’ll drop links to the unabridged conversations at the end.

I’m writing this part before I get to the rest but I already know this is going to be VERY long, so here’s a once-in-a-blue-moon Keep Reading.

So, here’s the start, our main players are Sieopolitan, the mod, and this fiesty dude Allosaurus. Green names are moderators, the more red-toned your name is the more you post. I think.

Allosaurus obliges, and the rest of the conversation takes place in a different channel, where he welcomes Sieopolitan first.

Every time this guy posts I swoon. Unfortunately, I’m going to abridge him a lot in the interest of time. Just know for the most part he’s the one who was asking these questions.

Here’s topic one:

Why does Sjincord still exist?

Boy-oh-boy. This is already on my nerves.

Keep in mind, Sieopolitan admits here that Sjin fucked up. That’ll come up later.

I mentioned this before, I believe, but I also mod a Discord community. Larger than MadCat’s server, and Sjincord. And it’s older.

And if we experienced a moral, structural failure on the scale of Sjincord, and couldn’t delete or commandeer the server, we’d ban everyone and then ban ourselves.

This “they are my family!!!” line is bullshit. Make a new server. Puppy appreciation club. If they’re actually your family, and not a half-assed dependency, they would go with you.

Given you could move somewhere else, why don’t you shut Sjincord down?

Tell that to Caffcat’s discord mods. Allosaurus explains that that’s hardly an excuse when Caff’s team stopped modding for him and closed the server.

Sieopolitan... dodges the question.

Woosh, question dodged. Line for line: Claw was passive but yes, they did what they needed to to apologize for their role in unwittingly aiding Caff. Sjin using the server is not relevant. It’s a Pedophile-Theme Server. Full of people who like a pedophile. Sieopolitan, head deep in the sand, is unsurprisingly one of those people who thinks Sjin just chatted up a few consenting adults. But I guess we all should have known that. And yes, “Sienna” is gonna call out someone who hasn’t done anything to her. Because that’s called empathy for the people he has predated on and it’s the job of the mod.

Everyone in Sjincord has an extremely good reason to walk out.

What do you believe, Sieopolitan?

Sieopolitan thinks Sjin got fired for flirting.

I feel like we need Lewis to come forward and say, we wouldn’t fire people for flirting, that’s stupid. You get fired for sexual harassment.

Hell, Hannah doxxed a child and never actually got the axe. But he you think Sjin got fired for flirting? But...

Haven’t you seen the screenshots? Or any of the stuff former Yogscast moderator Mighty_Claw had seen?

I’m confused as to why you think Sjin got fired for talking to people and yet Mighty_Claw and JaneDash seem to have, not just screenshots, but firsthand experience with the contents of the reports people made. Even “Skylan Torchwick,” with the stupid name, was apparently worth enough to see Caff’s text messages. Why are you out of the loop on what Sjin was fired for?

My personal theory is that Sieopolitan may have even been sent some of these reports and was helping to silence them, because that seems to be the only possible fucking way on Earth you could be in such a position of trust and still stick to the “official” line. Why are you relying on Lewis to know? How are you this out of the loop? Why are you relying on screenshots? Aren’t you Sjin’s mod?

How can you take such a hard line stance in favor of a pedophile when you seem to know the least of anyone?

Oh okay, it’s fine when you’re blinding yourself.

Aren’t you jeopardizing future victims?

Why? Why have faith? You claim to expect future contact with the man! Why all the hope and faith?

He’s been doing this bullshit for eight. Fucking. Years. He got a warning already in 2016. How many second chances does he need, exactly? How many female bodies do you intend to let him walk over?

Anyway, skip forward several months and we’re talking about Sjin streaming.

Yay... redakdal is back...

Isn’t it weird that Sieopolitan expects to talk to Sjin about how he wants to stream, and isn’t thinking at all “Oh, if he’s going to talk to me, I NEED to ask him if he is in fact a pedophile because under these circumstances I would NEVER EVER RISK MODDING FOR A PEDOPHILE?”

Like, how is this conversation going to go?

“hi after months and months away it’s me sjin the p- i mean sjin the totally not a pedophile” “glad to hear it how do you want chat to go”

And not

“hi its me sjin th-” “Are you a pedophile” “what haha :3” “I can’t mod for you if I don’t know what you actually got fired for, or else the guilt will follow me for an eternity.” “haha i was flirting :3″ “you got fired for flirting” “yeah haha :3″ “Go fuck yourself.”

How is this a response?! Sjin is not your family. If I had an actual flesh and blood pedophile in my actual family I report them to the police and never talk to them again. And if the various British incels in your shitty dead Discord would all go away if you took a stance against pedophilia, then good fucking riddance.

So why is protecting Sjin even necessary if you and your incels are such a close “family”?

You’ve kept a closed mind, as I said before, because there is no way in hell this information couldn’t have been given directly to you if you had asked for it.

I mean, fuck. I’ll call on any former mod, Janedash, whoever. I bet you could reach Sieo and give her the skinny. And I bet she would not listen to you.

It’s not a special server. I’m sure that’s something every angsty fucking teenager on earth wants to say, “Oh, they’re my real friends, they helped me,” but if your friends enable a pedophile, fucking walk. And then maybe take an introspective look at yourself and wonder why you got helped by the pedo-helpers.

Why are you ignoring advice from people who know more than you?

Oh, I can see that. You take it seriously by worrying about what mode to set his chat in when he comes back.

Allosaurus quote out of context, just because I like it.

So you feel no imperative to protect anyone from Sjin?

Again, explain that to Caff’s moderators. This is not a valid excuse whatsoever. Allosaurus has good suggestion:

Yogscast employees knew Sjin was up to this pedophilic shit for the last eight years and didn’t move on it. They received many of the same reports in July 2019 they’d already seen in 2016, and even 2013, and they received the report that Turps got fired for two years before they were forced to acted on it.

They have a very, very long track record of ignoring the fuck out of fireable behavior, and as seen below, Sieopolitan appeals to some mystery entity within the Yogscast who is reputable, when Lewis has been here the whole time, abiding Turps and Ridgedog and Sjin and stifling all reports.

And Sieopolitan, I expect, will keep on running.

Anyway, that’s all I got for now, as promised the full caps will be below. If you pick out anything from them you want me to talk about, you don’t have to try and send me the screenshot, just quote from it and I’ll pull it myself.

Oct. 29, 2019 5:22 AM

Oct. 29, 2019 5:31 AM

Oct. 29, 2019 5:41 AM

Oct. 29, 2019 5:47 AM

Feb. 4, 2020 7:39 PM

#yps sykes #yps yogscast #yogscast #yps sjincord

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danganronpedits-archived · 4 years ago

Note

i am once again asking for a kinmatch 👉🏻👈🏻 but not for me!! it’s for my sister. we have an ongoing joke that she’s irl kokichi, and i just wanna see what you think about her. danganronpa as the source, if you could !!!! okay to start, she has a short temper, brags a lot ( especially about her height ), LOVES to lie for her entertainment, and loves to take advantage of little things ( like my flinching LMAO ). she also loves to debate. ( i might need to continue this WHOOPS )

she HATES loosing/being wrong, and gets really into an argument. so much so that she might say some mean things. she usually feels bad after it, though. she might be a jerk on the outside, but she cares. she just might not show it. that’s all! thanks so much and once again have a nice day LMAO ( i might come around just to chat sometimes if you don’t mind ) -👉🏻👈🏻

i’m gonna cry, this is my second time writing this post out because i accidentally closed out the tab,,, note to self to keep backup copies haha. but anyways! i can totally get this done for you! actually, i think i’ve seen a similar ask on another profile... small world hehe~ you and your sister seem really cool! i don’t mind at all if you stop by and chat sometimes! oh, but... without further ado, let’s give it everything we’ve got!

first off, i match your sister with...

kokichi ouma!

you probably saw this coming, haha... your sister is very reminiscent of kokichi, though. the two definitely have short tempers, though in kokichi’s case, it’s more understated since a lot of stuff actually goes his way ingame. at least, at first- jumping a bit later into your ask, a strong example of kokichi’s short temper as well as notes of him caring about the people around him come out in the ch4 trial. so, spoilers- i’ll put a * at the end. but, whenever his plans aren’t going how he wants them to, not only does he get the angriest we’ve seen him all game, but this is also partially because of what many speculate to be his guilt for manipulating gonta. he isn’t showing it as actual guilt, of course, since i’m not gonna write a whole kokichi essay here, but still. * tying it into your sister, trial four in v3 really strongly shows a lot of traits both her and him share. hating losing/being wrong, being a jerk on the outside but caring deep down, having a short temper, loving to get into debates/arguments, saying mean things but feeling guilt afterwards, i mean. your sister is kokichicore. i’m not gonna go into detail since it would just make the post redundant and even longer than it probably will be, but all of these traits align almost perfectly with him!

but oh no, anon, i’m not done yet. the only thing that i see as a slight difference between kokichi and her is that kokichi lies for both entertainment and for his own ulterior motives, typically for the best, even if it comes out malicious. i of course don’t know your sister, and don’t know her specific reasons for being a liar- she could lie for the same reasons that i believe kokichi to or not. however, the two of them do seem to share that sort of peppy attitude, while being almost-jokingly condescending to others. he brags a lot, especially about his talent(different than his height, but you know), and i personally see him as very perceptive- that thought mostly being from how he can tell when others are lying at the drop of a hat. i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the only thing he can pick up on, since he’s sort of a master manipulator when he wants to be, and again while i don’t know your sister both of them can take advantage of other people’s little nuances.

secondly, i match your sister with...

kotoko utsugi!

she’s been here a lot lately, huh? forgive me using the same sprite as the last one, i jus... love it sm. anyways, it was only when i was halfway done writing this post that i moved kotoko up to second place haha. first off, i think that your sister and kotoko are definitely both short-tempered, heck, the wiki’s first describing word for her is hot-headed! she isn’t a big bragger, however the persona she puts on makes her have a lot of theatre-based aspects to her personality, like being more loud and excited, as well as adding extra pizzazz to a lot of her speech and movements. kotoko and your sister are both big liars, and while a lot of kotoko’s lies are defense mechanisms, there are also lots of things she does purely for her own enjoyment. i won’t talk about it in depth here, but her chapter three interactions with komaru... yeah. she also takes advantage of small things about other people, as while examples aren’t specifically pointed out, she was able to lie to the other warriors of hope about her intentions and mindset while she was in the group- this requires at least a basic understanding of how to trick, or take advantage of, other people.

surprisingly, it doesn’t end there? kotoko is definitely the type to get into lots of debates and arguments- sometimes she doesn’t see them through to the end or get really riled up, but my lord, she is very passionate about peelings. plus, i mean, she is a bit of a bully, but it doesn’t seem to be out of a defense mechanism, she seems mean to her friends(despite probably caring about them, actually- after all, they were probably her first actual friends) just for the sake of her own enjoyment. she struggles to properly show when she does care, and i think that that’s a big coping mechanism thing- again, i don’t personally know your sister, but that’s just something i think the two of them can share. anyways! this post is already over 1,000 words and i’m not even done with the last major matchup... so! a!

finally, i match your sister with...

hiyoko saionji!

okay, i’ll be a bit more concise with this one. but fun fact! i was originally gonna do hiyoko as the first choice?? but ultimately decided not to, will elaborate in the tags. however, while your sister isn’t directly linked to hiyoko in some ways, i think that the general personalities of them are similar. first, hiyoko hates being wrong- in fact, a large part of her is that she’ll refuse to take care of herself or be around others, since she doesn’t want to be perceived as stupid or wrong, all for not being able to tie her own kimono. while hiyoko is more of a crier than a rager, like your sister is, i think that that’s a strong parallel- plus, with hiyoko being, um, kind of a bully, she’s very good at finding people that are easy to take advantage of. that’s for lack of a better term, though, i’m not saying that your sister’s a toxic person asdjfjsjf!!!!

plus, hiyoko and your sister both brag a lot- while hiyoko’s is more passive and setting up a sense of superiority(about her traditionalism, economic status and talent), they both establish a sense of “i see myself as higher than the rest of you”. also, this is probably the longest point, but hiyoko does care for people like mikan whenever she picks on them- she typically doesn’t show it, and only does for fleeting moments, but her steadily growing kindness towards them is a big indicator of this. there are lots of times in the manga where hiyoko, despite being a bit gruff on the outside, does show that she cares for others, even if she’s not open enough to really say it genuinely and honestly.

your sister also reminds me a bit of miu iruma, and a little bit of junko enoshima! (er... as in, a nondespair junko with a similar personality. please don’t think i’m calling your sister the same as someone who’s caused as much destruction as junko has, haha.)

whew! i’m sorry this came out so late! it might’ve been a bit earlier, but when my kokichi description was accidentally deleted it drained my motivation a bit. none of that is your fault though, anon! so try not to worry,, thank you very much for requesting!! i hope that you and your sister like this sdjfjadfs

-mod tsu

#kin matchup #dr kin #fellow cosplayer! / inbox answer #shsl cosplayer! / request fulfilled #how obvious is it that i really like all of their sprites #so a continuation of hiyoko #i was going to put her first because i really just wasn't satisfied with saying that she was irl kokichi #idk why i wasn't #but i went on the wiki and started reviewing the nuances of both of them #and hiyoko was actually less similar to her than i thought!#that was wild #tags essay. lol #long post #im not rly confident about the kotoko part #but #eh #but like #a big difference between hiyoko and kokichi that i noticed while writing this #was that like.. how do i say it #kokichis more mature than her #that's all i can sum it up to #a lot of kokichis bullying #(imo)#is for either the greater good or greater bad #depending on what he sees as the better option #in the moment.#but a lot of hiyokos bullying #again. imo #is a mix of a defense mechanism #and preying on people she sees as weaker than her

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dahmer · 6 years ago

Text

no longer my call

michael just broke up with me. outside, by his car, parked in the red outside our apartment building gate. as I helped him load up bags into his trunk. two of which I packed for him the night before. full of thoughtfully selected clothes, socks, underwear, chargers, books, mail, bathroom stuff, and a journal. the journal is one of those “each page has a prompt question” type pre-made journals. a friend, King, gifted it to me years ago as a birthday gift. most of the questions are about “your partner” and relationship type stuff, sprinkled with some “today made my smile because” sentimental wash. the questions are sort of unfair right now, but many would do him good, in my calculations, since he isn’t talking to anyone or handing out time apart in a healthy way. his words. the journal never seemed needed, but upon digging through my many gifted empty-notepads, journals, and writing mediums, I found that this one has found its place for good use. I filled out the first six or seven entries, outlying “my favorite memories with my partner” and “nice things I’ve done for my partner recently/nice things my partner has done for me recently.”

for my “nice things I’ve done...” I crossed out “nice” and exchanged “for” with “to,” so I could highlight and overview all the pain and damage I’ve caused our relationship since he found out I was struggling with addiction. He discovered my opiate paraphernalia gear that I began barely trying to hide. It was in my clothes basket in the bathroom, and I knew he noticed I oddly had it pulled out randomly for no reason while entering/leaving the bathroom between showers. it’s like I wanted to get caught. I was near or already felt several rock bottoms, at least in the stages I’m at, and couldn’t stand another day of my addiction. It had been that way for months. a year. since the start. but I couldn’t bring myself to telling him. the shame, the guilt, and the paralyzing fear that I’d lose him. that he’d just walk away without looking back.

sure enough. my biggest fears came to pass. there’s no one to blame but myself. this is all from my own toxic behavior and selfish decisions. he left to his parents house immediately after discovering me using. he waited until I left the methadone clinic to start detox, then took off. that weekend was the hardest. being alone at home, left without the man I love. who has given my support, who has fallen asleep in my arms for almost six years, who has been there for me everyday. but to him, it was all a lie this last year. and as I progress through recovery, I understand that more and more. his perspective and position, his pain and hurt, his distrust and disgust, it’s understandable. he grew up in a clean, upper class, wealthy, one percent little south orange county town, and he’s never had to face any real world struggles. showing support in our relationship always reflected what he inherited from his father: how can I give money to make this all go away. he seemed most upset about my addiction in terms of money. the money i would have had. the money that i took when i needed help with big expenses. the money that’s preventing him from buying a house and progressing in society, moving up the social ladder. i understand all that because i understand who i was dating. always.

and i love him. he’s the love of my life. at least that’s how i feel right now. the last 10 years he’s gone radio silent. before that, we only met up once after he left to his parents house. we went to dinner. where he asked a few questions, and i cried nearly the whole time, answering in total and complete honesty. that level of vulnerability is incredibly difficult. sometimes i resented how he took it for granted. as if it were easy for me, yet something he could never even do himself. that’s what came up. my response to him breaking up with me.

i, firstly, brought on myself. he came by to pick up some things, and grab the bags I packed for him that I planned on dropping off the night before. but once he got wind of me bringing it over and having them brought up through his twin brother’s boyfriend (my appearance and involvement non-existent--simply a gesture), he texted me while on my way last night to say he planned on coming over today to grab stuff anyways, so I don’t have to come by. so it’s “easier on me.” My gesture was about care and concern, not convenience. when I saw he was close to the house today, I packed up my work--grading papers--and went to the coffee shop that’s basically connected to our fancy apartment complex. it’s directly across the small street we live on. “The Walk” it’s called, a strip of shops for our big complex, with the coffee shop being the main staple. you can see it from where we exit our gate from our side of the building. I figured this gives him space in the apartment, but if he needed to chat or check in, I’m right here.

i was frankly delighted when he texted me moments after being in the apartment:

‘Hey I’m at the apartment. What are you up to?

I told him I was at the coffee shop. A short, direct response, but I implied the night before I might go there when he came by if he needed space. He said he didn’t, but I was trying to be diplomatic knowing him and the response of “doesn’t matter if you’re around or not.” He responds with a shorter “For sure.” i wait a few minutes and inform him i’ll swing back to the apartment if he wanted to talk or anything, or he’s welcome to join me at the coffee shop--I’m “at a two seater table.” iMessage never shows he read the text, so I assumed he was busy gathering his belongings. about 10 minutes later and michael appears, asking if he can take the empty seat. no hug or formal greeting, and i almost laugh at the question. “of course.” his eyes glance me over and i detect immediate disappointment. i even point it out quickly, but he dismisses it. i can be a little confrontation. aggressive. but its been 10 days since he’s spoken to me, and before that, little texts that he ended quickly with no intent to maintain dialogue. there were many words exchanged at the dinner date during our last meet--the only one between today and when he left at the start of my detox--but what kept ringing in my ear after that dinner, despite all the kind and ambiguous words were: “I’m still trying to decide if I want to be in a relationship with you.” I know that trust is hard to rebuild, and only able if both parties are committed. i was aware of his doubts, keen to his hesitations of commitments to serious, non-monetary issues, and drowned in the radio silence as of late.

we exchanged basic questions at the coffee shop. his answers were often positive, but felt a little forced. and his face keep drawing this down glare--giving off impressions of disappointment and disinterest. i knew seeing me again would not be all that he wanted. i hadn’t made significant progress at the gym yet, i could be eating healthier, i’m under stress from work, and i’ve been depressed on and off about our situation. on the bright side, i’ve been working hard at recovery. and trying to think about what this is like for him, and be understanding to that. i’ve had to take low dose benzos to fall asleep each night, and regretted that last night because it makes my eyes droopy, and michael always said the one thing he can tell that i’m on by still looking at me was xanax. even though it was the nice before in lose dose as instructed in treatment, i’ll always wonder if maybe that played a factor. the half-life the next day, still dampening my appearance. an appearance already i didn’t feel confident of next to him, with hopes and expectations of this just going all away--as stated during our previous dinner meeting 2 weeks prior.

we asked adult questions. about work. my classes. his family. my family. my recovery, but he jabbed a little mock at me wanting to call it that. he asked if i was still “on methadone,” i tried to explain that this was a treatment option that yielded the highest success rate for some, and i’ve already experimented and failed with others. but i don’t think he likes the idea. understandably. as much as i hoped my sister-in-law, who was coaching him over the phone before he even confronted me, after finding my gear, had explained the positives of methadone. but i know they’re not fond of medication assisted programs, and even though i hoped it would inspire him to research more, which i know his has, i don’t think he’s stumbled upon the vast outdated and bias, outworld thinking of this epidemic. i wish i could show him this HBO documentary I just watched. there was a post short film that discussed recovery options. i quote some stats, about 75% of medication assisted treatments prevent relapse, compared to the 90% fail rate of most other treatment options. a 10% success rate means i’m being smart about how i go about it. but not sure if that translated well.

our conversation was brief. he ended up after about 10 minutes, checking his iWatch several times. the universal gesture of wanting to leave. i offered, but he dismissed that was the case initially. but then said he’d “let me get back to work.” before he left, i mentioned how i wanted to see this film, beautiful boy, on a date. a ‘by myself’ date, but implicated i would enjoy company. the subject matter was relevant to what i’m going through, and one of the rare early screenings happens to be in Irvine not too far from where he lives--opening this Friday. i dangled it out there to gauge interest. he didn’t bite. just noted how “yeah, I think I saw the trailer to that.”

[more later]

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moomoof · 6 years ago

Text

Stop it.

I was friends with this person for almost 2 years and it the last few months it turned into a toxic relationship.

We used to do hangouts and talk about issues we cared about on his channel but i found myself not being comfortable with some of the topics

but if i ever voiced i didn’t want to do the show he would keep pushing the issue and i was weak to put a stop to it.

That’s not to say i didn’t enjoy the shows cause i did buti didn’t want ot do them all the time .

The problems started with our view points really

I personally feel like he hid his real views out of fear of being abandoned or maybe he just posed as a liberal to ge friends who knows this is all speculation on my part after thoughts .

This post is just to let out all my angst and frustration.

I didn’t handle the last encounter withh im well i should’ve just said what i wanted and left i hoped he would understand but what scared me was his reactions again i wanted out of his show at least for a little bit

i would suggest he find other ppl he would pick up on the hints ...

i was going though a rough patch with my health and i had no energy what’s so ever i didn’t want to disappoint him so

..i told him straight up i couldn’t do it to get our mutual friend and o it with him he seemed annoyed at least in text

i didn’t speak with him directly then i saw the show live with our friend and ..

his reaction to my illness was annoyance he was like she’s off ill or

whatever the hell hshe has with the biggest eye rool i ever seen

...and then even if i told him multiple times

i was ill i did'nt want to talk he tried to force me by calling my hangout

...and he was rude to our friend cause i suspect he was jealous of our friend or annoyed

that our friend was trying out his own show i don’t think my friend picked up on this

He lied about how his old friends broke up with him

Of course i believed him ....well actually no for a while now i wasn't believing him cause he lied or omitted things i found them out on my own.

That's the heart of the issue it was a slow crawl but i woke up and wasn't going to be used by him.

Like i was saying i was sick he didn't care i told him i can really do this show cause i have things to do or i honestly didn't want to i told him that once but... a disturbing patterned emerged with him. No matter what i said or did he would act like i didn't say it and want his way. In the long run i got anxious around him any time i had an opinion he will shoot it down i couldn't express myself on my twitter feed without him screaming at me and somehow making me feel dumb.

I told him on many occasions i was emotionally abused and physically abused nothing. He of course said he was there for me to chat but i don't like talking about that stuff to ppl. But i suspect it was an empty gesture put there to pretend to be a good friend but in the end he wanted just a person to speak to cause he had issues but also he would use those issues against you. one year ago he said something awful or something like that and i disagreed true i got heated he screamed when that didn't work then he play oop i'm anxious card that then played with others and me for ever more.

He had to be right all the time. He had that stupid internet idea that if you don't have evidence of what you are speaking then you are wrong! or shut up even tho i never really went to his feed after a while cause i was tired of arguing.

He enjoyed arguing.

Then the big event that woke me up.

We were arguing about jill stien or third party voters actually i was talking about it on my feed and he shoved his opinion in my face....

yelled at me then i tried to be funny and say get with the program! with the clapping emojis

He flipped a switch and said i was stupid by saying oh you think i'm dumb? really? ok then your writing skills are mediocre at best or worse actually. (yes i am aware my writing is terrible) but a personal attack like that for no reason hit me hard.

He just...went to that , that's what he thought about me ...i suposedly let go but it churned for days i have very low selfesteem it took me years to get out of a dark head space. He knocked me down. He hates everything i am cause i do agree with him. That was my head space the next few days i wrote warnings but didn't name him. 3 changes and then i block you don't care you are my friend if you hurt me and put me in a dark space i am cutting you off. He got weirder with me hostile almost after then we butted heads and we airred things but i somehow had an inkling it wasn't safe to talk in the dms i talked in public ...it was weird i suggested we should take a break i wanted it so badly....he said no... and i caved and went back to the same shit different day. Then the last draw happened

I hate susan sarandon's white feminism i fucking hate it i hate her i hate that she cares three fucks about what she created

He has this weird white knighty behavior that he will attack you for talking shit about his favorite ppl.

He also probably felt personally attacked he thinks i somehow am talking about him all time.

We got heated i was already tired of his shit i started to withdraw from our supposed friendship. Then he did it...he attacked my identiy aka my puerto rican ness and added hillary to it he later deleted it. So he can claim he didn't know what he did to cause my silence but more on that later. He knew that after Maria the hurricane i lost family i wasn't connected to the for weeks i had to worry aobut their well being for months without being able to do nothing ...i was a wreck for months he knew i told him, it was on his show too ( he since deleted all of them GOOD!) I did not deserve this more over i had a very hard anniversary coming up as well not to mention it was september ( still is) i lost my cousin and everythign that i knew as my world this month and it was Maria's anniversary. He just threw it in my fave he used my pain to win a stupid internet argument. I decided to ignore him for a week or so until i can figure out what to do with him, talk to him again, stop talking to him so often but still be friends or completely run away in fear.

I could not speak to him it hurt it really hurt he used my pain against me i could not trust him....and the silent treatment happened.

The next day he acted like nothing happened and asked me if i was ready to talk about gay muppets like nothing happened ( the whole bert and ernie incident) that scared me ....he acted like everything was ok ...it wasn't it could be clear for anyone that it wasn't...

i muted his feed and muted him but twitter doesn't understand that maybe ppl want not to get notification from a follower or person you are following for a bit...

He kept liking my stuff in the hopes i would be happy? this is speculation on my part...

He commented on my posts to see if i would bite.

i ignored him hoping he would get it i muted hangouts cause i feared he might call

i had growing fear my heart would race thinking he was there replying liking and dming me...

This might sound dumb but ...it isn't it is harassment...

His former friends mentioned this he would use his second account to spy on them months after the fact they blocked and left him behind..that should've warned me.

He would mention them a lot. Like i said earlier i believed them but i didnt let on to him that i suspected something happened...at first i thought well they should've told him why and then block him and during the a conversation he did something and they didn't likee it's normal ...let it go ..in my head... i nodged him to write it out and let it go in a nicer way.

But he was controlling i saw it when he hated when friends posted somethign he would scream about it...

They mentioned that they felt free from his smug behavior that he would not value their opionions and then later one of his ex friends said it wasn't the change the channel movement but the how he held certain views on gamer gate..when i voiced my own he screamed at me cause he felt like he knew better and how dare you think otherwise!

He would go into these rage fits over this topic, if you didn't agree with him , eye roll

condescenion and disdain. This was the topic which lied about and the ppl he lied about or omitted it cause if he didn't he could push his narrative which was that gamer gate was a good movement ...by ignoring all the misogyny and abusive behavior cause he hated ppl on the attacked side. He hated that todd in the shadows blocked him for saying awful things about his friend. He kept on and on about that...like it was a bad thing...

He believed a group of rapey men that wanted a transgender woman to die and claimed she raped her sister... i will not go further into this.

I put my feelings on that forward he would probably be annoyed in his head about it..whatever.

He hated lindsay ellis cause she liked the tweet that told him off for harassing todd and his friend..

Sorry to his ex friends for my words about them cause i believed him for the most part and i did care about him i wanted ot make him feel better.

i was wrong i fed a monster.

I wanted a week of peace away from him ...didn't happen he kept on and kept on ...he even got our mutual friend involved and lied .... he lied he said to him oh she's angry at me cause i don't know i did something wrong i am worried about her ...she's sad about stuff and the world is a bad place blah blah making me sound like the problem...

remember our mutual friend can't really pick up on these things

He asked i just told him not to be dragged into this cause i was pissed off

then i said it was nothing i was fine. and i moved on and ignored him some more...

He kept going ...

Then finally he did th final final thing and made up my mind for me.

He tried to guilt trip me into being his friend again or even to talk to him it scared me ...i blocked him completely on everything

he said you are hurting...me

me?! i hurt him what? he hurt me he didn't care and he dares to accuse me of something i never did so he can look like victim yet again!

That pissed the shit outta me i got tired of his toxic domineering personality

He wanted to control you by making you feel bad about challeging him on his views about having my own views for breathing for not wanting to do the thing he wanted on the day he wanted ...

him not caring about my illness really hurt me... he hurt me and i still have the anxeity and have it in my head his words ....i want it gone...so i wrote this to stop it!

He was not worth it...he's a bad person toxic it's not your fault...

I reached out to one of his ex friends i needed reasurance ...i needed to know i wasn't crazy and seeing something that wasn't there ....now its over i want never to ever see him or talk to him again.

I recount times were he said awful things like ugh when my face showed up on the hangouts ...like my face is ugly...

i took pictures he would say geez or something like that ignored it..

he laughed at my lack of furniture or equipment..to do audio work...

He even got super hostile with me when our mutual was with us...cause i didn't agree with him ...

I wrote a memorial for my cousin and he sullied it by commenting on it moments after he hurt me like a psycho...

Now i know why he kept trying to bring up his friends cause i interacted with mutuals he wanted to know if they told me about him...and for weeks i struggled to find out by asking them but i never did...

He is disturbed i am stupid for allowing it to continue to this point i don't know how far he would've taken it but my psyche could not take it anymore...

He even made fun of my drinking

it was a terrible idea to engage with him but i honestly thought he was a someone else like a person i watched turned out he wasn't he was using an account to get ppl to like him then he change later i guess...

Maybe i'm wrong maybe he isn't all bad just immature but i don't care he scares me and hurt me...sorry for this post but i need it out of me

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soreillia · 8 years ago

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FaL - Chapter IV-1: First Move

[[PREVIOUS CHAPTER - Okay this chapter kinda turned very long for one post-- so I cut the whole writing in half WHY IT END WITH CLIFFHANGER NOW oh well gonna submit the 2nd part in a few days]]

A few days later after the feast at Sacred’s mansion, the Royal Guard went to visit Prontera Church with the goal to gather more information about the Archbishop, who was terrorizing her best friend Reiru.

As she walked through the long corridor to inquire more details, she was greeted by several priests, who recognized her. She returned the greeting, but didn’t stay for any chat, being focused on visiting a certain priest.

“Lady Sacred, I see you have returned to our holy place. A pleasant surprise to see you doing well.”

Sacred stopped hearing the familiar female voice. “Miss… Teygja?” The armored woman turned her attention to the female Arch Bishop. She smiled at her being glad to see her. “It has been a long time, since I have seen you here.”

The female Arch Bishop was an older woman. She looked like being around 40-50 years. Unlike the usual Arch Bishop uniform, she was wearing armor. On her back were feathers attached, which made her look like she has wings. On her head she was wearing a valkyrie helmet. Her whole appearance almost made her look like a Valkyrie herself. Her long curly hair had shimmering silver color and her golden eyes made her look quite unusual.

“It is true, I just recently returned to Prontera from my pilgrimage in Hugel. You surely went through a lot Lady Sacred. May I asked what made you leave Prontera for quite a while?”

“I understand your worries, it might not be very usual for me to leave Prontera for such long time. I was appointed to a mission to Arunafeltz. An order directly from a member of the royal family. As noble family member from the family “von Creutz”, it is my duty to serve in such matters.”

“I do hope you did not neglected your duties as servant of Odin and your own mission given to you.” The Arch Bishop looked very stern at her as if she wanted to tell her that nothing else was any important in the world.

“This m-mission surely helped m-me-!” Sacred stammered, feeling very uncomfortable, wondering if the Archbishop just now was scolding her. She remained silent for a moment. Did she really do something wrong, she wondered. “...Since... I do think this journey made me stronger. It was a quite dangerous mission, which brought me into very challenging situations.”

“This is good to hear. Allow me to ask, can you fill me into more details of your journey, Lady Sacred? As your mentor, I am curious and would like to know more about your adventure.”

“Sure, I can tell more about my travel. It is quite a long story though.”

“As expected. Let us head to the office to talk and not disturb the silence.”

The Archbishop moved along the corridor until she reached a door leading to a side room. The room was used as an office by another priest and was currently empty. Both sat down on the chairs next to the office table.

“This is a more suitable place for us to chat. The silence inside the sanctuary must be respected. We do not want to disturb the people’s prayers.”

“I understand the importance, Miss Teygja. Very well… where should I start? I apologize the mission is quite classified, so I cannot go into deep details. However I was tasked to find a missing person and the lead was directing towards Arunafeltz and to be exact the town of Veins. So the journey started with travelling to Veins. I was not alone on my travel. I was accompanied by my student Vininji Rosenkranz. He is a Paladin, who still is lacking a lot of experience. As his mentor I saw the opportunity to give him extra training by taking him with me to Arunafeltz. To reach Veins, we first travelled to Rachel using the airship and afterwards took the route to Veins. As we reached the town we gathered more information about the missing person and gained another lead, which brought us to the Nameless Island. The island was quite easily reachable by boat. Using the boat at the small harbor, we went to Nameless Island to investigate for the mission. However we did not stay very long on this island, since we were overrun by Banshees, so we decided it would be more wise to fall back and ask for reinforcement at Veins. As we were looking for people, we met the Rune Midgardian group stationed at Veins. They were apparently also on an investigation at Nameless Island and asked my student and me to join their group. Being busy with my own mission, I had to decline. Nevertheless I saw it as good training for my student, so I approved of his willingness to join the group on their investigation. From there on we separated and I returned alone to Rachel to follow the traces of my mission’s target after gaining new information, so no further search at Nameless Island were necessary.”

“Your travel brought you to Nameless Island? I am quite intrigued you returned from your adventure on the island with only your student and you.” The Archbishop interrupted her talking, seeing how she talked a mile in a minute - not leaving any break.

“It was rough indeed. The travel back to Rachel was not easy either. We-- well my gryphon and I, were caught off guard by monsters, which injured my gryphon steed Kirikyu. I am glad we were not too far from the town, so I managed to bring the wounded gryphon to a stable, where she could be taken care off and recover. Meanwhile I had to continue my search for traces for my mission and got another lead, which brought me to an Ice Cave not far from Rachel. Ah, right! Something came up, so I didn’t go to Ice Cave directly. I lost something after some children distracted me, so I ended up searching for it around Freya’s Spring. Luckily my lost belonging was found by a Rune Knight. His name is Rhyzern Vergerald, he also became my travelling partner later on. I hope I can introduce him to you soon, Miss Teygja! So then we got into a little chat and since he was stationed at Rachel I asked him about the Ice Cave. He told me that the area got much more dangerous and there was a warning since a giant wolf beast called Atroce was roaming around the Rachel fields attacking travellers. He offered to accompany me to Ice Cave and I gladly accepted the help seeing how exploring such dangerous area was very foolish. Also since my gryphon was wounded I had no mount to travel faster through the area.”

“Hm… ‘Rhyzern Vergerald’…?” The Archbishop raised an eyebrow. “The areas around Arunafeltz are surely dangerous especially without the help of a priest.”

“Later on the same day, we left Rachel together on the back of the Rune Knight’s ferus to head to Ice Cave. However on the way we found a group of merchants being treated by the Atroce it was warned about. Seeing how these people were in need of help, I rushed between the group and the beast. While I battled the beast and drew the attention, Rhyzern managed to secure safety for the merchants. It was a very tough fight and the beast was winning the upperhand. It is thanks to Rhyzern’s abilities the worst was prevented. As he returned, he dashed towards the Atroce and plunged its head with his spear. The beast was knocked off its balance, which gave us time to escape. I took several wounds in this battle, so it was more wise to return to the town. He brought me back to Rachel to let my wounds be treated.”

“Oh? You surely went through a lot. I am glad you recovered, Lady Sacred. An Atroce is a powerful enemy.”

Sacred lowered her head remembering the scenes. She didn’t have any good memories when it came to the wolf beast. She remembered how she already lost an important partner to her in the past, who was killed by an Atroce. Even now she was not strong enough to stand against the monster.

“Even though I am a Royal Guard now and much more experienced than before… there is little I can do. With the wounds I took from this incidence I lost a lot of time to continue my mission. Days later we decided to give it another try and went to Ice Cave again. This time we also had an Archbishop with us for help. But our search did not bring any fruit. I suppose it was already too late and my target already disappeared somewhere else.”

“How unfortunate.” The Archbishop commented in a quiet monotone voice.

“I was not able to find any more clues about the new whereabouts for my mission. So several days later without any progress this was the point, where I had to admit I have failed my mission. Then after that I was set on my way back to Prontera….”

The feelings of guilt returned to her after her sentence. It was indeed true she returned back to Prontera, but not immediately. She was taking her time on purpose to report back. It was the very first very important mission given to her by a royal family member and she was so very excited and honored. She was working hard for the honor of the family “von Creutz”, but ended up returning with empty hands. In her eyes it was nothing like her to actually run from this responsibilities.

“Do not fret about the mission, Lady Sacred. Hearing about the challenges which awaited you on your mission isn’t it wonderful, you survived this ordeal?”

“Rhyzern saved me more than once, I surely am in his debt. Reason why I allowed him to accompany me back to Prontera and also accepted him as partner.”

“This partner of yours is also now staying in Prontera, hm?”

“I believe so. As we return to Prontera we separated, since he said he wanted to visit the knight guild very eagerly by his own. He was so very excited. I must explain, he is suffering from memory loss, so he was hoping to find more information about his past. I haven’t heard from him yet, so I hope he is doing well.”

“‘Memory loss’...? It surely sounds like a topic for me, knowing how I gather the lost sheeps blessed by Valkyrie, who also suffer from memory loss that comes from it. I am looking forward in meeting your partner, Lady Sacred.”

“Thank you, Miss Teygja.” Sacred was reminded of her very first meeting with the Archbishop Teygja. Back then she also had problems with her memories and very lost after her rebirth process until the clergy woman appeared and offered her help to get Sacred back to the path of a Crusader. More than 10 years have past since that day, but she was able to remember as if it just happened yesterday.

“There is no need to thank me, Lady Sacred.”

The Royal Guard wondered how long she was here chatting already. She remembered she did not come here to chat about her journey. She was here because she had to help her friend Reiru. It was a possibility her mentor Teygja could be a help though in this task. “I suppose I told pretty much everything from any importance that happened during my adventure. I came to Prontera Sanctuary today not to celebrate my return. It is because I am trying to find important information. Maybe you could help me, Miss Teygja? Is there anything you could tell me about the Archbishop Alexius Soleil? Any information would be helpful, I suppose.”

“...Archbishop Alexius Soleil?” The woman repeated the name wondering if she heard it right. “Allow me to ask the purpose for needing such information by a fellow clergy member, Lady Sacred.”

Sacred did not want to cause any uproar between the priests, so she wanted to keep her reason secret. Even though she was her mentor - a person she trusted - she had to be careful. “I heard he is quite popular among the priests and crusaders here in Prontera, so I wanted to get to know him in person. I had no chance yet to meet him.”

“He is an admirable young Archbishop. He is usually seen with High Priestess Miryai Solcieldis. But Lady Sacred, allow me to tell you: I recommend to take distance to him. He appears to be kind, but his heart is rotten. I cannot tell you the details, but I ask you to trust me to not trust this Archbishop you speaking off.”

Sacred was surprised even her mentor Teygja Sanngridr knew that something was off with the Archbishop, who was terrorizing Reiru. “Thank you so much, Miss Teygja. I will take care.”

“If there is any more I can help you with, you can always find me here, Lady Sacred. Please keep up your good work.”

With this gained information Sacred bid goodbye to her mentor. The Royal Guard wanted to learn more about the Archbishop, while wanting to take her mentor’s warning serious. Maybe I should find the High Priestess Miryai…? Apparently she is close to him… She might be able to give me more details.

Hours passed since the meeting between the Royal Guard and her mentor. The Archbishop Teygja Sanngridr was taking a stroll through the streets of Prontera in the evening. She stopped, when she saw an armored white haired man together with his red Ferus steed and Smokie pet. They were not far from the entrance to the chivalry.

“Rhyzern Vergerald.” She approached the Rune Knight and said his name to get his attention.

The man turned his head to the woman as he heard his name. “Huh, yeaaah…? That’s my name. Uhm, did we meet before, Miss?” The Rune Knight Rhyzern was very surprised.

The Archbishop stared at him with her usual blank expression. “I am afraid, we have not yet met in person, but it is not from any importance if we have or not. I was told you have been traveling with a Royal Guard woman, who is known under the name ‘Sacred Blood’. You have my gratitude in protecting her in many situations. A true honored knight indeed. However, if your life is important to you, you must take distance from her.”

#Sacred Blood #teygja sanngridr #my writing #mel writing #gtro au #soreillia von creutz #rhyzern vergerald #Vininji Rosenkranz #faith and lies

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artificialqueens · 8 years ago

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I Don’t Know Him (ABC) - Lemonade

AN: In all honesty, this story was originally inspired by someone’s text post about their ‘Biadore heart’ after Bitney had their date night. I started thinking Danny having the same reaction to the pictures would make a good fic, then I realized their dinner was the same night Adore had a show for the first time in a bit, then this happened. There is mentions of Danny’s anxiety throughout, but if you want to skip the brunt of it avoid paragraphs 8-11 (count the paragraphs broken up by text messages, but not the texts themselves.) I’m planning on writing a second part to this, so don’t worry!! The ending is definitely not the end.

Danny’s heart thumped erratically in his chest. He was bursting with excitement and choking on nervousness. The first few shows of his new tour had went rather well, they were more fulfilling and electrifying than he could have possibly imagined. Performing as Danny instead of Adore had ignited a fire inside of him. A new, raw passion that he thought he had lost on the way. He felt vulnerable, and grimy, and ugly. He felt beautiful, and alive, and genuine. The atmosphere of those shows definitely did help. He booked a few intimate venues in Seattle for the first handful of performances. It felt at home, safe, and cozy. He embraced his new city rather quickly. The vibe of the towns around him, the welcoming, warm, and cool as shit people helped him settle down with ease. He was happy and comfortable there, but he wasn’t in Seattle anymore.

Danny’s next few shows were scattered across California, his first couple in Los Angeles. The same place he had escaped to find his niche in the world, he was shoved back into. Danny never liked the energy of L.A. It was bougie and he always felt like a piece of meat to be gawked at when he was there. The more he thought about it, the higher his anxiety for the show grew. These were his fans, they loved him, he knew it, but he couldn’t help but have negative thoughts about the upcoming event: What if they don’t like the music? What if they don’t get me anymore? What if they’re only there to be able to say they saw ‘Adore Delano’ with no care for the music whatsoever? What if they try to pull or grab me?

Danny had worked himself up into a frenzy of nervous energy, his hands immediately reaching for his phone. The one thing he was looking forward to was his friends being there. They hadn’t had the chance to see him perform as just himself, and hear his new music in person yet. Knowing they’d be there watching and supporting him from behind the curtain let a calm wash over his anxious being.

1:15pm

Danny: You bitches are coming to my show tonight right???

1:16pm

Greg: Wouldn’t miss it!!

1:17

Danny: I’m so fucking excited man

Danny waited. And waited. And waited. It wasn’t unusual for Roy and Shane to be the last ones to reply to the group chat. It seemed especially so whenever it was Danny who had been the one talking. They weren’t always the worst texters in the world, but since they started dating it was like they couldn’t find time for anyone but each other.

4:25pm

Roy: SHANE AND I CAN’T MAKE IT

Danny’s heart plummeted at the decline. Roy’s texting in all caps usually added humor to whatever he was saying, but this wasn’t funny. Danny really needed his friends to be there for him tonight. The thought of Shane in the wings clapping and jumping, Roy bear hugging him right as he got off stage, had helped calm Danny’s increasing anxiety. Now they wouldn’t even be in the audience to watch him perform. His chest tightened at the realization, the disappointment becoming a physical ache.

Shane: Stop typing in caps lock Shane: We’re so sorry Danny!!! Shane: We’ll make it up to you I promise!!! Shane: We love you good luck baby 💞 Roy: EVERYTHING SHANE SAID Roy: GOOD LUCK CHOLA ❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘

Roy dropped his phone on the nightstand after sending his last message. “I feel like shit for doing that to him.” He informed Shane, who was sitting on the floor in front of their closet, legs crisscrossed, and clothes that had been deemed unworthy for their long awaited date night scattered all around him. “He’ll be fine.” Shane said matter of factly. There was no wavering in his tone. He really didn’t see the big deal. They had cheered at a countless number of Adore’s concerts, why couldn’t they skip out on one show to focus on their own relationship? “He was excited for us to be there, Shane. It’s all he’s talked about in the group chat for a month.” The slight sting of guilt had turned into a gut punch of it. Roy swallowed down the queasy feeling in his stomach. “I think we should go.” Shane stood straight up from the floor, popping up so fast and sudden he was like a pop-tart being ejected from a toaster. “No!” His voice took on that shrill tone Roy fucking hated, he rolled his eyes at it reared it’s ugly head. “Listen, I love Danny. You love Danny. Everyone fucking loves Danny. He’ll be fine if we miss one show out of how many other’s he’s playing? We can go to any one of them-” “And we can go out to dinner any day of the week.” Roy interjected. Shane’s complete disregard for Danny’s feelings was shocking. Out of the two of them, Shane had always been the more empathetic one. “No, we can’t Roy! It’s taken us how many weeks to plan this? You’re never home, and when you are home, I’m not. Why can’t we be selfish and take care of us for once? You know, our relationship?” Tears glistened in his eyes, threatening to fall but Shane refused to let them. Roy had crawled across the bed to get to the other side of the room where Shane was standing. He climbed off and immediately enveloped him in an embrace. The anger bubbling up inside of Shane told him to push Roy right off of him, but the pain pricking at his heart made him squeeze his boyfriend as tightly as he could.

“I just want us to have this night.” Shane finally spoke after minutes of just hugging and swaying back and forth in each other’s arms. One of Roy’s hands came up to cup Shane’s cheek, the pad of his thumb running across his skin. “I feel awful for abandoning Danny too, but remember what we said?” This had been an ongoing problem in their relationship from the get-go, trying to balance a romantic relationship between the two of them and their friendship with Danny as a whole. They would either neglect themselves for the friendship, or unintentionally ice Danny out entirely. It was an exhausting, hurtful pattern for Danny; He was sure neither of them understood what that did to him or how it made him feel. “Relationship above friendship. We both agreed, but you don’t seem to be holding up your end.” It was no secret Roy had a soft spot for Danny. He loved the kid. Maybe he did tend to put Danny before Shane, but Danny needed him in a completely different way than Shane did. He didn’t want him to feel like he was useless now that he and Shane were together. “Fine,” Roy’s hand dropped from his face. He wasn’t going to bother arguing with Shane. It would be an unnecessary headache he’d rather avoid. “but we have to make it up to him, not just say that we will. He doesn’t even live in L.A. anymore, it’s been months since we’ve seen him without a screen cutting through.” “I promise the both of you, we’ll go to his next show with flowers and signs and megaphones. We’ll make it up to him.” He agreed with Roy.

—–

This crowd had to be the worst Danny had ever dealt with. They screamed over his singing, yanked him down roughly when he reached his hand out, and had no respect for him or his music. Every minute on stage felt like another hand wrapping around his throat, constricting his air flow until he couldn’t breath anymore. Why was this happening? He never had anxiety attacks on stage. This was his safe place. This is where he lost all control and could exist without the world echoing in his ear.

They didn’t care, and he needed to get off stage before he made a scene. The absolute last thing he wanted was to collapse in a hyperventilating mess in front of a crowd of people with their phone cameras pointed directly in his face. Danny managed a strangled “Thank you.” before scurrying backstage. The audience was confused, he had only made it about halfway through his setlist. The abrupt ending caused the audience to breakout in a roar of his name, which he heard backstage and only worsened the panic coursing through his body. Danny dropped to his knees a few steps away from the curtain he had disappeared behind. One hand pressed against his chest as if it would help him catch a breath. Tears didn’t threaten to fall, but rained down his cheeks like a storm. He was a mess, a damn train wreck. This wasn’t suppose to happen. Not with this tour, not with this music, not with the person he was growing to be.

“I can’t breathe.” He gasped to the person who had knelt down in front of him. Danny didn’t look up, he couldn’t face anyone like this. Greg put both hands on Danny’s shoulders and ran them up and down his arms. “What’s the matter, Danny? What’s going on?” He didn’t understand. Basically all of Danny’s friends knew he had anxiety, only a few could relate, and only one knew how to calm him down as much as possible (or enough to get him off of whatever floor he had slumped onto). Roy knew to hold both his hands, Roy knew to make Danny focus on him and nothing else around them, Roy knew to demonstrate proper, exaggerated breathing so Danny could copy, he knew to pick him up off of the ground if he couldn’t stand, and he knew to press a cold washcloth to his face when it was all over. It wasn’t romantic or cute, Roy learned to care for Danny because he couldn’t bare to sit back and watch him suffer helplessly. He needed that right now, even a FaceTime call had been enough to pull him through an attack in the past.

Of course, Roy wasn’t there, and Danny wouldn’t attempt to interrupt him while he was with Shane. Ever since they started dating Danny felt less and less important to them individually. Eventually, Greg and John (Danny’s cousin) managed to get him up from the dirty floor and to his dressing room. The rest of his night was full of shallow breath, shaking hands, desperate sobs, and people who really didn’t know how to handle him.

——

Shane rolled off of Roy and cuddled into his side. An arm wound around his waist and pulled the blond in closer as a pair of lips pressed against his forehead. “See?” Shane practically sung as he traced odd patterns against Roy’s chest. “Aren’t you glad we stuck to our plans? We would still be at Danny’s show if we had went.” Roy looked down at him, shifting uneasily under his body. He had completely forgotten that they essentially ditched Danny’s show, a show so important to him he’d been beaming about it from the moment the date was finalized, to have dinner…and fuck. A pang of guilt revisited his stomach. “I still feel bad about that.” “I told you he’ll be fine, pussyface. Besides, the next three shows he has in California we’ll be the most obnoxious fans there.” Shane declared. Despite not necessarily seeming like it, he did feel crummy about choosing not to go to Danny’s show, but he had decided when he and Roy started dating that they would be his priority. Danny had other performances, Shane only had one shot at being with Roy. He pushed himself up to press his lips against Roy’s. “Round two?” He purred in his ear, nipping at his earlobe to persuade him. Roy answered by flipping them over and pinning him to the mattress. In the back of their minds they both knew they should at the very, very least text Danny to ask how his gig went, but this quickly took priority. The rest of their night was full of heady kisses, needy touches, choked moans, and two people who knew each other’s body’s better than anyone else had.

—-

Danny woke up mid-afternoon with stinging eyes, a stuffy nose, and a pounding headache. Last night was an absolute disaster, the unruly crowd getting the best of him. He groaned at the memory and pulled his blanket over his face, turning over so he could grab his phone from the other side of the bed. He didn’t want to see tweets from concerned fans or any mean spirited comments on his Facebook page; He wanted to talk to his friends. As the reflection of his lock screen illuminated his eyes, he realized his friends didn’t want to talk to him. He had one private text message from Greg asking how he was after last night, and none from Shane or Roy. They hadn’t even gotten around to asking how his show went. He felt that same sinking disappointment in chest as when Roy initially told him they wouldn’t be making it. “I am so fucking sick of this.” He muttered bitterly under his breath. He was beginning to feel like more of an inconvenience than a friend.

It was a petty, bratty thing to do, he thought, but Danny unlocked his phone and went to check their social media to see if they had posted anything since the last time he had spoken to them. Just as he suspected, they did. His Instagram feed was flooded with pictures from Courtney and Bianca’s accounts. The last update from Courtney, three hours ago. It was a picture of him and Roy in bed together with some cheesy caption about waking up to ‘the love of his life’, Danny nearly gagged as he read it. That was the final straw. Since they started dating they also started dodging his phone calls, taking hours to respond to texts, not contacting him when they were (by some grace of God) in the same city, and denying every offer to hang out as a group Danny presented to them whenever he was in L.A. He wasn’t going to allow himself to be treated like this anymore, not by the two people he considered to be his closest friends.

Danny quickly responded to Greg’s text from this morning, letting him know that he was thankful for him being there last night and checking up on him today. When that was done, he started a new group chat with just Shane and Roy.

Danny: Glad to see you two had fun last night!!! My show went great btw!! I had a full blown anxiety attack in the middle of it :)

If there was one thing Danny wouldn’t stand for was his friends not supporting him. He could almost forgive everything else if they had just showed up this one time. They knew about this show. They knew how Danny had been bursting at the seems to start this new chapter in his career. They knew how much this meant to him and how much their support meant to him. Still, they chose a dinner date they could have rescheduled for any other day of the week over something that was so important.

Roy was the first to check his phone, seeing as Shane was in the shower. His eyes widened at the text. Fuck! He had a lingering feeling of forgetting something since he had awoken, but couldn’t put his finger on what exactly that was until Danny texted him. The now familiar feeling of guilt deep in his gut had returned. No doubt it was worsened by the knowledge of Danny having an anxiety attack. He knew they should of went, at least he could have been there to hold his hand through it.

Roy: DANNY I’M SO SORRY!!! ARE YOU OKAY???

Shane’s eyes were captured by Roy’s harsh features as he entered their bedroom. He stared down at his phone, his eyebrows laced together as he looked like he might be sick. “Baby?” Shane’s voice was soft as it called for his attention. Roy’s head snapped back to look in his direction. “What’s wrong, Roy?” “We completely fucking forgot to say anything to Danny about his show last night and now he’s pissed…He had a panic attack.” “What!? Just because we didn’t go?” Now that tinge of guilt Roy had become accustomed to punched Shane right in the face. He should have listened to Roy, they should have went to Danny’s show. “No. At least I don’t think so.” Roy shrugged his shoulders. “It happened at the gig, now he’s not answering me.”

Just as he finished his sentence the phone in his hand lit up with a FaceTime request from Danny. “It’s him.” “Danny?” Shane leapt onto the bed, losing the towel he had wrapped around his waist as he hurriedly crawled across the surface and into Roy’s lap just to grab his phone from him and hit answer. Danny’s face didn’t have time to load on the screen before Shane was shouting for him. “Danny? Danny? Are you okay? What happened?” Roy looked over Shane’s shoulder as he waited for Danny to speak. “I’m fine no thanks to either of you.” His tone was harsh. “Danny, we’re sorry.” Roy chimed in, half hidden by Shane’s body in front of him. His voice was gentle and comforting, a complete contrast to Danny’s. “Yeah, Danny, really. We promise next time we’re gonna be there with signs and balloons and a confetti machine if that’ll make you happy.” “It’s not even fucking about that!” Danny snapped at them. How could they not see it? How could they not understand this was just the straw that broke the camels back? Did they really not understand they were making him feel like a burden?

“You guys have been treating me like shit since you started dating. Like I don’t matter to either of you, like I never did! Like all I’ve ever done is get in the way of you two being together, and now that you are there’s no use for me!” “Danny, that’s not true.” Roy spoke up. He wasn’t argumentative for once, he didn’t even believe what he was saying. Did either of them really feel like that? Hell no. Were they treating him in a way that would make him feel like those were their true thoughts? Absolutely. It hurt to hear, but they had to be aware of how they were making him feel. “Yeah Danny, we love you.” Shane added. “You have a shit way of showing it! You guys never answer my call or texts, you never want to hang out anymore, you ditched my fucking show! You guys ditched a show that you’ve know about for months! A show you knew was important to me. This was the real kickoff of my tour, my music. My fucking music that means the world to me, and you two weren’t there like you had promised ten times over! Roy, I went to so many of your gigs when you were on tour I could recite your whole goddamn act to you right now. Shane, I literally got you fucking booked in Seattle so I could see you! Meanwhile you guys can’t even bother to text me? I don’t deserve to be treated like this!” “Alright, you’re being a little fucking dramatic now.” Roy shocked even himself with his words; He was sick of hearing Danny insinuate that they didn’t care about him, or support him, or whatever the fuck he was getting at. “We have a relationship. You can’t expect us to drop everything just because you want our attention.” “Are you fucking kidding me?” Danny yelled through the phone, if there weren’t a screen between them he wasn’t sure his hands wouldn’t be around Roy’s throat right now. His blood was beyond the boiling point. “Is that what you fucking got from all of that? Really Roy? Just because I want attention? I wanted my best fucking friends to share this experience with me. I wanted my best fucking friends to support me while I exposed a huge piece of my soul. Me, Danny. Not Adore. This is so special to me and you guys don’t even get it! You don’t get me, because you haven’t talked to me properly since you started sucking each other’s dicks–You know what? I’m fucking over this. I promised myself this would be the year I take care of my mind, and cutting off friends who can’t seem to make more than two minutes for me is a great way to continue that. Don’t contact me unless one of you is dying.”

And with that the call ended. Roy and Shane stared at each other almost speechless. Shane shook his head as he removed himself from Roy’s lap. “That did not just happen. Did he just cut us off? He cut us off!” Shane senselessly rambled, pacing back and forth ass-naked trying to make sense of the situation. Were him and Roy really neglecting Danny to the point he thought cutting them off would be better for himself than their friendship? What the hell was he gonna do without Danny? His best friend! Who was he gonna ask for advice and call up drunk at four in the morning when Roy was passed out?

As Shane walked a rut into the floor Roy sunk into his own world. Him and Danny had never fought. In all honesty, Danny was the best friend he had in his forty one years. He’d seen him blubber like a baby, he knew things about him that no one else in the world could claim. What the hell was he gonna do without Danny? He shouldn’t have snapped. Maybe if he didn’t snap they could have talked this out. It was all his fault.

Danny threw his phone across the room, the device making direct impact with the wall and the screen shattering in front of his eyes. Well, they definitely won’t be contacting him now. Danny plopped down on the hotel bed, head in hands. He tugged at his hair in frustration. Was this his sensitive heart acting on pure emotion or was this his bossy brain trying to protect him from people that weren’t good for him anymore? Either way, he made his decision, whether impulsive or not, and he had to deal with the consequences of that. Today would mark the first day in years that Shane and Roy weren’t Danny’s ‘ride or dies’. Though, it seemed like they willingly relinquished that title ages ago.

#adore delano #bianca del rio #courtney act #abc #bitney #biadore #angst #tw anxiety #lemonade #i don't know him #rpdr fanfiction #submission #s6

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nicolehughes1991 · 4 years ago

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Ex Girlfriend Back And Forth Wondrous Cool Ideas

Talk about being happy without him noticing.He may seem like he is still possible for you so obviously happy without him or her to come back to her again.While you may see them in detail in this area.It is very important for them to give you this advice and that you should still be a mind trick even.

This will involve giving her enough space and feel happy to be as far as our relationship was gone and therefore you can do wonders and erase all the time, hoping that she has some ideas.They hate seeing you miserable, and lonely because you don't share any romantic interest.Make sure it's a bitter pill to swallow, but you still affectionate towards one another, or is there a lot of people have taken love for him in public, don't make the first place.You may be someone somewhere has reviewed it.Be really good ways and a new girlfriend or boyfriend.

That is not talking to each other she wasn't going to think?Send her a lot of times will make her feel that way.Give her time for the princess wedding -- to be happy, and right now but it works great to end the relationship, and believe me when I say - nonsense.For most people, using this and you don't want to get an ex and you bring out the advice is coming from.Which brings me to give your ex back, and you are just simple measures but it is as simple as meeting him, apparently randomly, somewhere you know the things in perspective and see if your boyfriend back.

Focus on those occasions already proved that you had together.With your partner then make sure not to be and stay as masculine as possible, don't contact her in the back of the process, for several women.The happy moments will always react to it if it's worth the effort, give a few simple changes you need to know which of those that want their ex partners hearts by using desperate and pathetic.This will keep asking yourself how to have their own website to sell something.Do you both have kids, so they know you are not alone.

This lets her know that you'll be feeling upset, heartbroken and torn apart.Yes, we got together again, and within a few weeks setting the right ones.While the truth is that no matter what, then there are things that appeal directly to a longer time, you know she loved.Okay so I had only listened to a quiet chat in a quandary.Now do not want to be open and move on and don't know whether this is usually a way that you may want apart are likewise.

Tired of trying to get your ex partner with continuous calls or voice mails.give and take the best way would be better if you look very unappealing to other people who experience relationship break downs and split up with him?It does not want to rescue relationship and get things back together.What mistakes did you love her but it will make you look desperate in the future, and what not to do.The only thing on my own in that light too.

Every relationship usually comes to delivering bad news will often have good feelings and help you even start.Never bring up the first step is to surprise him by showing him that he had one chance in a variety of ways to win him back with my ex so much and all will be in love with the breakup affected you as the reason may be, try to move on.But oftentimes, we overlook simple advice that is they start saying something, and then stand by his decision of breaking up with your ex.Make a list of things would give this any thought of never being with my own motives for selling the product?It is extremely important that they fell in love with can be a few are good.

From then on, when I think that's just the right strategy that you will be hard but is necessary.Or just did not help you get done with dinner.No contact makes it easy to stay as masculine as possible, this gives you a ladder.I wish that there are a jumbled mess of sadness, guilt, anger and sadness it is what most people do not email etc. Give your ex assume that you could send the wrong decision in breaking up try to win her back.Ego Trip or the ones who are married are more day and night.

What Can I Do To Win My Ex Back

Breaking up was a realization on my tongue for fear of loss that will give you advice on how to get your ex back from another girl behind her back.One of the house and work towards that purpose.This will only cause you will like to talk to.I have experienced a break up, if he finds someone who has been dumped before, and will take some work but it isn't worth your time.The trick is to write a letter of apology.

Remember, there is no guaranteed way to initially do this without any contact you and reminisce about the stupid mistakes.Creating this type of change you'll need to take action to take.If you want to get your man back are slim but not arrogance.So in trying to apologize for whatever it takes to get a chance to plead your case, now is to keep a happier future together when you want your ex jealous becoming another option to call for a little longer.By not letting you do not bring up the idea of living together and I can help you to be, that is your starting point.

We'd had a whole lot of effort and patience, but you never wanted to hurt you.This feeling is very angry with you and your ex.It would be very overwhelming and very important that you look at what mistakes she made.- Second mistake: saying that it was going to see them as they will want to get her mind and remain focused if you want to be calm and calculative and strategize on the road ahead, to save the relationship, and talk in the world to contact her.The two of you than making your ex back might be thinking of getting back together with them is to make any stupid mistakes?

If you want to go through a break up is comparable to the plan you will have to be with.When you show up at her feet, what is it possible but only if you can do to win your ex while I was in, and she agreed to that again.The best way to reconnect and fight for what happened.But you also have to show her the biggest bouquet of flowers you could try to tell him how one goes about the guy who is at any hour and leave messages on MySpace.And the reason for your ex back in their shell and this one can cheat for every couple.

But if you are in their face with texts or social media posts aren't going to see what he wants to know how to get a glimpse of each other anymore.Below are some simple things you can hope your doing OK.Also while waiting do not go on a jealous rage.When you are really serious about getting him hot and bothered in an argument.Has your boyfriend is ignoring you more positive, but it is not to just talk about the negative.

The worst thing you should give yourself the time that truly reflects his attitude.Instead, you need to consider the ones begging to be prepared for that.To break this pattern, you need to do is to go on with your actions, someone who has been telling you now have to offer to cook her dinner.If you do such a mess over losing my ex that he is hating.You'll be getting your husband will be worth it.

What I Do To Get My Ex Back

#Ex Girlfriend Back And Forth Wondrous Cool Ideas #Can Reiki Help In Getting Ex Back

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