#I could really use a pint of ice cream and a cuddle rn

[facingdownleviathan-blog]

This one is kinda dark, guys.

My anxiety has been off the chain this week.

So I’ve got this thing--and I’ve got so many issues that it’s next to impossible to pinpoint just which one (or combination) caused this--where, when I am in the depths of depression and weighted by my own self-loathing, I begin feeling like my mind is a separate entity from my body. And my mind really hates my body.

I hate that I’m physically weak and my disability bars me from working out enough to gain muscle;

I hate that I get dizzy and out of breath a lot, and can’t walk or stand for more than an hour;

I hate how my hands shake all the time either from anxiety or hunger;

I hate the near-constant chronic pain in my joints and the painful way my elbows give out when I carry heavy things, or the way my knees give out sometimes when I’m running or walking up or down stairs;

I hate the fog that rolls into my brain and inhibits my ability to communicate or understand;

I hate how sensitive I am to pain and how everything from a stubbed toe to a shot makes me wish I’d pass out;

I hate how, when I get anxious, I get the worst B.O. even if I’m not sweating, and that makes me even more anxious;

I hate that I just can’t magically look how I wish I did, like a fucking shapeshifter;

I hate that even my mild revulsion from my body keeps me from enjoying sex and makes it such a challenge even to masturbate;

I hate that I’m always too fatigued to get dressed, or shower, or eat, or even have fun, and I still have to drag this body to work all week;

--and sometimes all I can think about is how badly I don’t want to be inside myself. My body feels like a prison, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from clawing my way out. When I self-harm, I do it punitively. I bite my hands or scrape my skin, and when I was at my worst I’d even punch the shit out of myself and now I have a permanent misalignment in my jaw that is invisible to the naked eye, but occasionally gives me tinnitus. It’s like a kick when you’re already down.

My mind isn’t much better though, honestly; between the anxiety and depression, and the enormous self-doubt that plagues me. Am I a good person? What is the point of living if I’m just going to be in pain all the time? What’s the point in taking good care of myself if no matter what, I won’t be able to do the physical activities I love anymore? Am I really trans or am I manufacturing my disgust with my body in my head? Is this actually dysphoria? Am I autistic or do I just think that because I can relate to a bunch of text posts about it on the internet? What if I’m nothing like what I thought? What am I? Does any of it matter? Do I even matter?

I think it’s definitely time for me to talk to my psych. In fact, I’d say I’m long overdue.

[markleesgiggle]

Get To Know Me Tag!

Tagged by: @zaza-zoo gurl we haven’t talked in so long-But still i luv youuuuuuuu

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning, when you are finished you have to tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!!

1) Are you named after someone? Nope. Lol my parents just named me Christy and yeah

2) When is the last time you cried? The last time I cried? Lol i think it was last week. I just had like a mental and emotional breakdown cause of all the stress.

3) Do you like your handwriting? Yeah I like it! I mean it could be better but I like it

4) What is your favourite lunch to eat? Chicken strips...man I love chicken 

5) Do you have kids?.....I am a baby 

6) If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I think so? I mean I think I’m a nice and genuine person-which are the type of people I like to suround myself with. Lol but I feel like I can come off to strong or too “bubbly” fro some people

7) Do you use sarcasm? ALWAYS! It’s gotten to the pint where my friends can’t tell if I’m joking or not. 

 8) Do you still have your tonsils? yep! 

9) Would you bungee jump? I am hell’a afraid of heights so idk

10) What is your favourite kind of cereal? OKAY! SO LIKE THERE ARE IS THIS CEREAL IN AMERICA THAT WE DON’T HAVE IN CANADA BUT THERE ARE BASICALLY COOKIES-BUT FOR CEREAL AND THEIR TINY! I FUCKING LOVE THEM. But I haven’t had them in like two years-but it’s by far my face cereal. 

11) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? It really depends. If they’re new-yes. If I’ve had them for a while-I just get really lazy. 

12) Do you think you’re a strong person? Physically yes? Emotionally ehhhhhhhhhhh. Lol like I radiate happiness and stuff but like when things happen I am a complete mess. 

13) What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Vanilla! YES I AM BASIC BUT ITS SO GOOD! OR ROCKY ROAD!

14) What is the first thing you notice about people? Their smiles-and if they ain’t smiling then eyes

15) Red or pink? pink

16) What is the least favourite physical thing you like about yourself?my height lol I WANNA BE TALLLLLLLL

17) What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now? grey pants and I got no shoes on-or socks for that matter.

18) What was the last thing you ate? A doughnut....I want another one

19) What are you listening to right now? BTS - Danger AGHHH WHAT A THROW BACK 

20) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? blue

21) Favourite smell? Vanilla or lavender 

22) Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My best friend-or we can call him my boyfriend but like it’s nothing offficial, God i’m blushing just typing this.

23) Favourite sport to watch? SOCCER!!!

24) Hair colour? really dark brown so basically black-I wanna make it light brown or pastel purple doe

25) Eye colour?  brown 

26) Do you wear contacts? nope! contacts scare me   

27) Favourite food to eat? pizza and chicken wings

28) Scary movies or comedy? comedy! Horror movies make me rlly paranoid

29) Last movie you watched? Moana and it was reallllllyyyyyy GOOOOODDDDD

30) What colour of shirt are you wearing? Blue

31) Summer or winter? summer I was born in the tropics man I can’t help it

32) Hugs or kisses? Well I’ve only ever cuddled or hugged and always dodged my first kiss lol but I think I’d like both tbh

33) What book are you currently reading? none rn sadly school is a pain

34) Who do you miss right now? My boyfriend, my grandparents, and too many other people 

35) What is on your mouse pad? nothing lol I don’t have a mouse pad

36) What is the last TV program you watched? WEIGHTLIFTING FAIRY KIM BOK JOO I AM STILL EMO AS HELL

37) What is the best sound? rain 

38) Rolling Stone or the Beatles? Beatles

 39) What is the furthest you have ever travelled? America lol I haven’t been out of Canada

40) Do you have a special talent? I guess singing????

41) Where were you born? Philippines!

42) People you expect to participate in this (although it’s completely optional)?

@beautifuleclipse @wonwooswonton @taebreez @joyrene @odetonct @taeyongfireeyes @miniwoos @tookorean