#I could rant for ages about how people are obsessed with “characters staying dead”

[senblades]

I was just about to make this post and you beat me to it HAHAHA

You're absolutely right in this: it is essentially a question of whether the themes of persona 5 should apply to Joker through Akechi, or whether they should be able to apply to Akechi himself, too.

A bit of a mouthful of a sentance that only really makes sense with the context in my head, so I'll elaborate:

The themes of persona 5 can be argued at length, but it would be very difficult to refute this: Persona 5 is about the future that we, as individuals, carve for ourselves, in spite of what our circumstances may dictate we should be.

Trying to explain why I think this might end up long and rambly, but I'll try and condense it down with some literary analysis or something:

The Phantom Thieves have the power to change the minds of others. Joker often uses this to help his myriad friends across Toyko, using the power he has to help others when they cannot help themselves.

And, yet, outside of the main story quests, the PT don't use this power to get themselves out of simialr situations. Haru doesn't request her fiance be a target, Ryuji doesn't ask to change the heart of the new track team coach, Ann barely even has a bone to pick with Mika- they have a magic solution, and yet they don't use it for themselves in their confidant stories. (Futaba's case is a bit weird, because she submits a mementos request for the sake of her friend Kana rather than herself, so I think she still falls into the same category as the rest of the PT)

Now this pattern is fascinating, and also relates pretty heavily to Maruki's reality as well.

"Why didn't they just change x's heart?" "In Maruki's reality, everyone would be happy, though" These kinds of arguments, while true, are not the point this game is trying to make.

In the real world, our real world, there is no such thing as changing hearts, there is no such thing as a perfect reality. This will also be true for the Phantom Thieves, one the Metaverse is gone (excluding the spin offs. And the other spin off. And the other-), so the PT choosing to face the real world, without magic solutions at their fingertips, is asking the audience the question of "How are you going to stand up for yourself when it feels like everyone is against you? How will you carve the future for yourself, if you know you can't change the world?"

Bringing this back to Joker and Akechi; if Akechi is truly dead, this essentially makes Joker's "end of the game themes" a parallel to Maruki's: Maruki lost Rumi -in a sense- and took the easy, magic solution that was handed to him. Joker, meanwhile, in the true ending, loses Akechi and decides to forge on anyway, at Akechi's behest. All very neat and tidy, all very poignant, one last little "your reality kinda sucked, doc" to the newly-employed taxi driver.

If Persona 5 Royal was the last thing that Atlus ever made that's p5 related, I would agree the ending being ambiguous with Akechi's fate would be fine. That bow would be neat and tidy. It's not like there would be any more screentime to explore anything else, so why leave that door open?

But, Atlus loves making spin offs. So they have the screentime to do more with Akechi's character.

Let's face it- Akechi learning to live, being given a second chance, even after he was sure he would die, is incredible, thematically. The gain would be far more than the loss of Joker's "oh no, my friend, what will I choose," because:

a) I would argue that it doesn't negate the choice itself- Joker and Akechi didn't know what the outcome would be, so the gamble is still there. It's still, "Are you sure you want to face reality, when the outcome is uncertain? You could lose everything, are you sure?"

b) Joker's character isn't just the choice on Febuary 2nd. He's more than that, he existed before 2/2 existed- the choice still mattered, but even if it didn't, he's still there. However, Akechi dying would, as Dorked said, reduce him to a plot device to further Joker's character without room for more. Not entirely, of course, but as we see more and more story post-p5r unfold, it's like; why leave that potential untapped?

obviously people can have their own opinions about what happened in canon, we could argue at length, yadda yadda- but I will go to bat against the argument that Atlus bringing Akechi back would be a bad writing choice. Like, they could fuck it up, but persona 5 is not persona 3. The death does not matter more than the potential. "What will you do with your future?" is a fundamentally different question to "how do you live knowing you will die?"

so basically I want an Akechi spinoff atlus please- /j (but if they did I would buy it immediately)

I think one of my problems with the "Akechi dying is better for the themes of P5R and Joker's character growth and mourning" is like... Okay, but what about Akechi? That framing makes Akechi more of an object to Joker's character, IMO, whereas I think that him surviving in the max confidants ending has so much fascinating potential for Akechi having to live with his mistakes and move forward. He went in expecting to die, to have a simple final act of freedom... But I think him being forced to keep living, to face every day one at a time, to find ways to make peace with what he did and live in the world is just infinitely more compelling from a storytelling standpoint. For Akechi, I think it's a better outcome because it's lacking in elegant simplicity. Even if he lives, he was still willing to die for the sake of everyone's freedom. His survival doesn't erase that. It may "lessen" Joker's choice to reject Maruki's reality, but I think it also makes accepting that reality incredibly cruel, when a strong enough bond with him is enough to save his life and make a miracle happen. Mona describes the world itself as cognition. In P5's vanilla ending, he says it was the PT's bonds that allowed him to continue to exist as a cat in the real world. Given the significance of a maxed confidant making him appear in the postcredits, I believe that it is very simple to read his survival being because of that bond. That wish that they both shared, as confirmed by the Royal artbook. If you prefer exploring the grief and mourning, that's completely fair, but I think there are many ways to interpret Royal's themes, and Akechi living in a harsh reality where you can't escape your past but you can heal and do better is still very on point with what P5R is all about. Unlike P3, which centers more heavily on death, P5R simply touches on it as a part of its greater narrative. And even in P3, you can save a certain character from death via player choice and connections. So, yeah. :p

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh Ep 35 S4: Raphael Joins the Pile of Dead Bodies

Ah 2020, thankfully we have one trashfire somewhat behind us, but I’m still avoiding social media for so many obvious reasons because of all the other trashfires that just never seem to stop burning, so lets talk about Yugioh with all of this newfound time.

Ah, card games. Card games that go on for 6-7 episodes. Lets see how they pad it out:

In a lot of ways, Roland really is just padding for the show, and that’s OK. He’s doing his best, by doing literally nothing but stand outside and check the time.

Inside the dusty soul chamber, Tristan has decided to do us the favor of recapping what happened last episode, which included the return of our four dead friends, so that they could die...again.

Seto’s reaction to seeing these dead people suddenly alive again was very “guys...I went nuts like years ago, I’m just going with it at this point.” and he’s still 100% positive that this is all a hologram and that no one will ever die.

Whatever it takes for Seto to get out of bed in the morning, I guess.

(read more under the cut)

One of the big mechanics the game is that you need to stay level headed, or the Orichalcos just kind of slurps you up. This explains a little why Dartz is so freakin chill basically all of the time, just the Bob Ross of evil over there. It also is sort of funny because Pharaoh and Seto are the least chill people to have ever lived so he’s just kind of waiting it out to see whom between Seto and Kaiba gets the most angry first and completely botches it.

Yugi has to do literally nothing and for the first time in his life this is the right choice.

I’m so glad he gets to use his big brain move of “If I don’t play, no one dies!” from S1. Glad it came back to serve him for once instead of just make everyone else really annoyed.

Yugi just...not moving means it’s now Seto’s turn to put down some cards, and he kinda looks over at Pegasus and goes...well you know what’s gonna happen next.

I have no idea why he didn’t attack Pegasus. Like this episode is kind of weird because we got these flashbacks of Pegasus being like “you’re my only hope, Yugi!” and it’s like wtf, Pegasus trapped you on a murder island and tried to kill you multiple times. He abducted Mokuba and turned both the Kaiba brothers into cards.

yo did Seto and Pegasus get back together in between seasons or something? Was there a whole character development where these two have fun brunches in San Fransisco now? Because I would watch that anime. I would watch the anime where Seto and Pegasus are co-hosting Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, and just destroying every unsuspecting local restaurant they brunch in.

But are we just assuming that the eyeball did all that evil stuff from S1 and that otherwise Pegasus is a good person? Because like...he was a mess before he got possessed. He’s kind of a Yugi, he’s kind of a Bakura, he’s kind of a Marik...in that there’s a mess in that bean, and getting possesed just only amplified what was already there.

So, with his smug as hell grin, Seto surprises Dartz by only barely getting affected by this inescapable moral dilemma and Seto just very quickly deciding to do a murder. And then we get a little blimp throwback to S2 (S3? I don’t even remember at this point, since we’ve been stuck in S4 for an entire year. Thanks 2020.)

If blocking the shot when Marik did it in S3 or S2 or whenever that was, didn’t get Mai to like Joey, then it shouldn’t work if you do it a second time.

But hey, I guess it’s better than letting her perma-die. Although this show desperately needs to figure out how to use Mai if they’re gonna keep her around, youknow?

Like all ships are fine and valid here, ship whatever you want to your hearts content: I don’t ship at all, as you know, but I hope one day they give Mai a personality that is consistently likeable. I do want to like her because she’s like...good at what she does when she plays cards and can be that can be a fun “hey I’m a girl but I’m not a freakin ‘gamer girl’ you male chauvinist assholes” type of character. But, the show just...the show doesn’t know what they want outside of a little romantic tension that they legally can’t follow through because of a 5-6 year age gap with a teenager.

This show actively tries to destroy this ship, and then turns around and is like “oh shoot this ship is all we have.” This show tries to lift up Mai as a feminist icon one season, and then tears her down for being “too” feminist the next season when she decides to--youknow--kill Joey Wheeler because he made her feel weak or something when he saved her life. 

Like the show does a lot to explore weakness and strength, and how what we see as weakness is actually strength, and how what we tend to attribute as strengths is actually weakness, and how our modern career/school/success expectations set us up for failure, but I think they explored that way better with Seto than they ever did with Mai.

Could’ve been cool Mai, you could’ve been cool.

Anyhoo, that was my spicy commentary on a 10+ year old anime, good to get it off my chest.

Seto and Yami have the typical problem they have whenever they play cards together, where one goes completely rogue. Except this time, the one going rogue isn’t Seto, it’s Yami. He’s just like...I’ll make life for Seto very difficult and I will lose this game and I don’t even mind because I’m already dead, deal with it.

So honestly this is an episode where it’s just Seto demanding we kill a bastard, and Yami being like “but not THAT bastard” and Seto just shrugging and saying “I have to kill A bastard, Yugi! Just CHOOSE one!”

That actual line in the show (I forget what it was exactly) does infer that Seto thinks Joey holds him back, and that implication speaks miles about Seto’s insecurities.

HOW THOUGH..........what are you jealous of, Seto?

You’re better at cards than he is, he’s never beat you at anything. It’s not about who’s best friends with Yugi because...Yugi’s possessed so Yami is always going to take first place...

......so what could it possibly BE?

Seto doesn’t attend school anymore, is it about that? Is it because Joey is likeable? Is it because Joey pretends he has a much older girlfriend? I mean hypothetically, Blue Eyes White Dragon is WAY older than Mai so...that can’t be it.

.....what IS it???

Does the “friendship” he have with Joey make Seto too soft? Is that what’s holding him back? Because Seto doesn’t actually think he’s friends with these people and says that Yugi and co are “Mokuba’s friends” so like....

.....what are you talking about, Seto???

Is it because you’re addicted to cards again? Because that’s...sort of Joey’s fault because he was the one who told you he needed a ride to Jacksonville, and then let slip that the “King of Games” title was up for grabs, is that it?

Are you just tired of Joey asking you for a ride?

Not like it matters, because Joey survives, and Seto gets to feel like a complete asshole about it.

As Raphael (who is this purple blur here) motorcycles into the dome of souls, Rolands last words were

“You can’t go in there!”

which was the weirdest thing to say to a guy you just saw fall down a 50 story building a few hours ago. Raphael not being dead should be the thing Roland fixates on, but instead he’s seen so many people die and come back to life, that he’s only concerned that Raphael will get in trouble for trespassing.

Again, Roland is the only Kaiba that hasn’t died yet, and it’s because he’s the only Kaiba that hasn’t broken the law.

Dude. What if the reason Roland is standing outside is because he’s been politely looking for the doorbell to be let in?

...the players asking for death...like clockwork...and me asking for the end of this freakin game...we played...1 turn this episode...

This episode was 1 turn!

And you may ask...well what else could possibly happen to stretch this out and well...

Raphael dives in on a motorcycle to save the day. Which is an aesthetic, by the way, this huge man covered in like a dozen belts, doing a wheelie jump into a chasm of 1 million souls. that’s an aesthetic.

So he shows up, gets off his bike and I was like “Oh good, someone to maybe save Yugi saving Joey saving Mai?” And instead, I was...not given that.

Mostly Raphael is here because he ALSO wants to kill Dartz, and is like “can I join? I know you’ve only played like 1 round, just deal me a new hand, it’ll be fine.” and it’s like...we already played the Orichalcos Raphael, this is not a game of Uno, you cannot just jump in.

Dartz is sort of obsessed with how everyone around him has potential for evil except for him, the chillest human to ever be born, and I gotta say...when he’s in this room...Dartz has a point.

+++++++++++++RANT ABOUT BEING PERFECT FEEL FREE TO SKIP++++++++++++++

It is sort of nice to have the concept of an older generation (in this case 10,000 years older) fighting with a younger generation. To have the older, more typically wiser generation say “Listen, I kinda screwed the planet and the war economy and the prison system...and I’m gonna keep doing that...and you can’t stop me because you’re a bunch of hypocritical dumbasses.” and then the younger generation say. “We don’t care if we’re a mess, dude. We aren’t the problem here.”

I may be putting some recent topical STUFF into this mold here, but it is a nice little analogy that they made even someone who is such a human disaster as Yami and Seto “morally good” enough to fight Dartz. You don’t have to be a perfect Harvard Grad to fight the system, you don’t have to be an entirely problematic-free savior, you can be even as problematic as Seto Kaiba--just get rid of the dumb assholes trying to destroy the world. That’s all.

Like this concept is strangely prescient because in 2020 we’re in a weird time period where if you aren’t perfect, you’re not allowed to have opinions. You’re not allowed to make content. You’re not allowed to make change. This is mostly an online problem in places like twitter, but it’s a real problem--because in the end what you’re left with is no one that wants to step up to the plate because they know that they, too, are flawed.

And like not even just as a political thing, even as a creator, as an artist, I see this problem more and more with kids. Kids who are like “I am afraid to draw because what if I do it wrong and I get dragged on twitter years later?” or “I want to make a story, but I’m afraid to get cancelled because my fantasy story has problematic stuff in it? Am a bad person for wanting to write it?” And it’s like...what are we doing to young creators right now? Did we all fail humanities? How have we failed art and literature SO badly that we’ve come to this point that people are too afraid to even learn how to do it right?

Anyway that was a tangent, but like...you see the similarities, right? That if you really were as perfect as Dartz either politically or creatively, you’d be a freakin monster and would probably just tear down everyone else around you on twitter rather than lift other people up. It’s a stretch but eh, it’s been a while since I went on a good Yugioh tangent and like

---it’s not like I can say this on twitter---

+++++++++++++++END OF THAT RANT+++++++++++++++++++

So it’s at this point that Dartz turns to Raphael is like “I mean...we weren’t really doing anything else, and Yugi and Yami are playing so slowly...I guess I have time to bust your nuts” and decides to bust his nuts.

Oh hey, I was right.

And yeah, that’s still effed up. Dartz killed his Raphael’s family, left him on an island, and then adopted him later after forcing him to dig up their graves. Like...Raphael, that’s effed up.

He also did the same thing to everyone else (and for Valon he just kinda glazed over that really fast because we had to edit his backstory out of the English version)

PS at this part Mokuba started sweating bullets and Tea leaned over and was like “Is this true, Mokuba?”

And Mokuba was like “...yes.”

Because, I don’t think Mokuba can keep any secret from Tea. Like for reals, Tea may be the most dangerous thing to all of KaibaCorp if she wasn’t so distracted by Yami’s endless string of problems. Mokuba is constantly telling them all of Seto’s deepest darkest secrets and there is like nothing Seto can do about it.

The animation of Gozaburo turning into a beautiful Dartz was just a simple fade to white, but man--imagine if they had dome some crazy effed up animation where Gozaburo just whips back his head and he has ass length blue hair and long, luscious lashes?

Imagine.

Anyway, this was enough for Raphael, who was already our most gullible and unstable person on this show, to just flip that switch and go lime green like all those other minibosses before him.

Really glad we built up Raphael for him to just die at the door hahaha.

That was so freakin random.

OK then. Thanks for nothing, Raphael.

I guess we go to the next episode to see if we finally play another turn? We can hope for good things. But if we don’t play a full turn I will NOT be surprised.

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

[retvenkos]

i just read your tags are you anti-snape?

(so i just saw that my tags were cut off halfway through my rant, so if you want me to finish that, just send in an ask and i will write out my whole thoughts)

okay, so anti-snape is a strong word, with a lot of different connotations to it, and while i wouldn’t brand myself as anti-snape because of all of the strong feelings attached, i would say that i don’t think that snape deserves all of the recognition that he deserves.

why?

what i firstly want to say is that snape is emotional abuser. my case in point here is neville, who had parents that were literally tortured to insanity, proving that his worst fear is snape - his teacher. how many times was snape unusually cruel to neville and harry? how many times did he humiliate hermione - an already bullied, muggle-born student (and possible poc)? snape is established to be cruel, and when you look at his actions, it is clear he is emotionally abusive to his students.

why did i start with this? because i relate with neville - i know what it is like to have your worst fear be an abuser that you face every day. so, therefore, i am biased against snape, and a lot of my dislike for him comes from the fact that no matter how you dice it, this man was in a position of power, abusing those students that looked up to him. 

he especially hated harry, who was an abused kid himself (and there is some kind of narrative in there, an abused kid growing up to hate and alienate an abused kid. i’m not going to get into that. but just think about that for a second and tell me you don’t want to at least dislike snape.). 

and perhaps you want to argue that snape couldn’t know that harry was abused over at privet drive. fair, okay. not everything about a kid can be seen on their face, right? but, one could argue that if snape took the time to look at harry and see him as a kid for a second, he could see hints of it. i have family members who are teachers, and they say that they can never be 100% sure, but they can at least have a good idea of who is abused at home, just based off of the way they interact with other people - especially adults. OR, if you don’t like that idea, you can think of it like this: the teachers at hogwarts are probably close to each other, right? mcgonagall knew (at least to some degree) what the dursleys were like - furthermore, she is close with harry and perceptive. she would have known that harry was abused, and if you don’t think that she wouldn’t have at least mentioned it to snape, i would disagree and say you don’t know mcgonagall. also! dumbledore! there is literally so many opportunities for snape to figure out that harry was abused at home. he just didn’t care.

so, snape is an emotionally abusive man in a position of power, picking on literal children as an outlet for his misplaced anger. this is the set-up for snape, and had he never had an in-depth redemption arc, we would literally all dislike snape.

and i feel like, then, the only reason that we have this snape/anti-snape discourse is dependent on whether or not you think his redemption arc is reason enough to excuse his actions.

and so here we talk about his childhood. which is definitely important and gives good insight, but should not be the only reason as to why he is seen as a good character. childhoods are formative and important, but they are not all encompassing. let’s not forget that snape is a grown man when the story starts. he is 31 years old when we are introduced to his character.

snape had a terrible childhood. he was neglected. he was abused (or so it was implied). he was friendless. he was lonely. he was poorly socialized. he was in a hogwarts house that seemed against him, almost, so he had to work to carve his place out and prove his worth. he wanted to stay at hogwarts all year, if he could.

(sound familiar? harry? neville? you two are here?)

but, school is not always great. at school, there are bullies that are terrible to him - it goes beyond teasing sometimes, snape getting hexed and jinxed and publically humiliated. he has one friend - lily, but sometimes he wonders if she really understands or if she really cares. no one has ever cared for him before, so why should she? he falls in love with her, but she does not reciprocate his feelings. instead, she falls for his tormentor - the person who has made his one safe place terrible, the person who treats him like he’s nothing.

now that is a compelling background. when he falls in with the wrong crowd, we can see why. he is desperate for some kind of belonging, some kind of importance. 

(is that... draco?)

he gets more violent as time goes on. those spells he created? levicorpus? sectumsempra? he’s going down a dark path and he wants to cause pain. he becomes a death eater, and while we don’t get a lot of detail what happens here, he rises in the ranks, which means he had to have done terrible things. at this point, he is clearly a bad person. and maybe he feels remorse during this time, but it’s clearly not enough to push his conscience out of where it is. he is still on voldemort's side.

what changes him? the power of love, of course. because even in this terrible time, he still loves lily - right? but is it love? or is it more like obsession? jk would tell us it’s love, but i would disagree. 

at the beginning, yes. snape loved lily. but after so much has transpired? things changed. snape is no longer as pure as he once was. he changed. any maybe he didn’t notice it, sure. but wasn’t he different, after everything?

if he loved lily, he would have cared about (even minorly) the things she cared for. yes, he could still hate james with a burning passion, yes he could let that ruin his and lily’s relationship,,, but could he become the very thing she feared and abhorred? could he become a death eater, literally killing people she loved? people just like her? could he have gone to her house, stepped over her dead husband, ignored her crying child to mourn her dead body?

this feels more like obsession. if you love someone, you care about them - their wellbeing, their peace of mind. love means you need to have an awareness for who your loved one loves, and you can accept them for the fact that they love someone else. snape shows he doesn’t. he only cares for her.

here we are, now, at this point is snape's story, and the natural progression in his redemption arc is for him to actively try to amend his terrible actions.

and... he does? kind of?

he becomes a double agent which is perfect. he vows to protect harry, which he does, physically... but he has a clear disregard for protecting harry emotionally, which one could argue is most important in harry’s story.

to defeat voldemort, harry has to come to terms with the idea that love is his strongest weapon against the dark lord, right? so snape being horrible to harry is not only bad because emotional abuse is real, but it’s also part of why harry is so angry and bitter in the sixth book, the exact opposite of what he needs to be if he wants to defeat voldemort.

also, snape preaches “control your emotions” but snape... is emotionally unstable and takes out all of his anger on children half his age? idk. that just bothers me.

so i feel like snape kind of half-asses his way through his redemption arc. he has chosen a different side, yes, but he doesn’t make a lot of intrinsic changes. he’s still angry. he’s still bitter. he’s still emotionally manipulative and abusive. 

so really, the question is: is a redemption arc dependent on a change of heart? or is a change of action good enough?

if you haven’t already picked up on how i feel about this issue, i don’t think a change of action is enough.

redemption is the act of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil (thanks, google). it’s absolution for your crimes. i feel like redemption is an intrinsic transformation, and jk preaches that love can do such an act. i’ve already covered that i don’t think snape loved lily, at the point of his big character changing moment. he was obsessed. it was more a change of action, than of heart.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that i don’t think he couldn’t have been redeemed. toward the close of his story, i kind of saw him as going through another arc as a character - i saw him start to care for harry more as harry rather than the child of the woman i’m obsessed with. i think, here,  he’s starting to show that love that jk insists he has. 

i think that if he had more time, he could have had a more full, more satisfying redemption arc. and that’s the tragedy of his character, right? we could always sort of trust him, but we could never fully trust him until the end. he was never really quite redeemed, it was cut short.

so, basically, i grapple with the fact that jk is adamant that snape is the good guy, he’s the redeemable character, when... he’s kind of only halfway there. AND, this is coupled with the fact that i believe draco was halfway there to a complete redemption arc, and jk is equally as adamant against draco getting a redemption arc.

jk has said that she thinks that the people who want draco to be redeemed are just girls obsessed with the bad boy having a heart of gold (which is fair, to some extent), but... isn’t she the exact same with snape? isn’t she equally obsessed that her readers know snape as being the emotionally scarred, bad boy with a heart of gold? food for thought.

also, where i draw a clear distinction between the crimes of draco and the crimes of snape is that draco is a teenager alongside the teenagers he bullies and emotionally abuses (draco, too, is an abuser! if you want an analysis on him, hmu.) draco is a 15 year old abusing other 15 year olds. this is terrible, and it can’t be excused. i agree. BUT, snape is a 31 year old man abusing 11 year olds. he is also their teacher. there is a clear power imbalance coupled with the fact that snape is an adult, who is supposed to be wiser and smarter.

so... long post, forgive me. i could go off about the crimes of jk rowling's depiction of slytherins forever and never be fully satisfied. i’m sure that in a weeks time i will have more i want to add onto this post. but for now, these are my thoughts on snape’s redemption arc, and my answer to whether or not i am anti-snape.

i am sure that after reading this, there are some of you who will think that i am anti-snape. that’s fine. you can have your own opinion, but if you are going to say that, know why.

no opinion is good if you can’t explain why.

[destressjournal]

DCOM Rankings #92: Teen Beach Movie

This received a lot of hype when it came out, though not nearly as much as camp rock or HSM. But it tried to be the next big DCOM Sumer musical. And from my knowledge I think it was pretty popular, again, just not as much as previous musical movies.

Still, I remember a high school friend saying that she was obsessed with the movie, and even though I didn’t watch Disney channel anymore, it still intrigued me. So I was curious to watch it for this ranking. My thoughts are as follows:....

The first half was good, the second half fell flat.

Ok review is over!!

No I kid.

So let’s talk about the overall story and themes. You got a girl with a dead mom (of course) who wants her to fullfill her dreams and be successful, but never really specifies beyond that. From a young age, Mack carried that journal with her as her one true reminder of her mom, and got it in her head that she needed to be successful like her aunt that raised her, as if that’s what her mom meant. Over the course of the movie, she figures out that she likes being on the beach and surfing, and wants to stay where she knows she belongs. And she realized that was probably what her mom really meant.

I love the concept of a girl thinking that she needs to be something her whole life, because her dead mom said so. I think it’s so powerful how kids can just attach to that as if it will still make them closer together. And take those words to heart. That to me is great (thematically, not actually) and the way it’s portrayed at the beginning of the movie is pretty solid, with its own DCOM cringiness. She was willing to leave the town she loved to “become successful” like what her mom wanted, and if she didn’t fullfill that, it’s like she’s severed her last connection with her.

I WISH THIS WAS SHOWN/SAID IN THE MOVIE A FUCK TON MORE!!!

Idk I feel like we should have gotten more context in the beginning, I felt like we were kinda thrown into the movie world a little too early. Maybe not, idk. Now I’m second guessing myself. I guess I just wish Mack explained this more to Brady to make him understand why she needs to leave their beach town. Because throughout the movie she kept saying she needs to leave because “she has to” and that’s pretty much it. She could have said “cuz this is what my mom wanted and I want to make her proud of me” OOF, right in the feels. Maybe she can say “has to” near the end when she isn’t sure anymore and is tired of explaining it. Maybe it’s me just not being attached to any of the characters that much that I need them to be more motivated.

But let’s move onto something else, the movie and movie world. So it’s based loosely on west side story. Now I don’t know that much about west side story, and I know that I need to edumacate myself, but i think the overall theme is there, right? Two different groups of people, two people from those groups fall in love and start a gang war. But I don’t know any of the specifics other than that. But yeah this movie within a movie is supposed to be set in the early 60’s, and there are times when it kinda looks like it, and there are times when you don’t believe it at alll...I think mostly because beaches look the same regardless of time period but yeah. The editing for this DCOM is not very good, and you know they’ve been trying to add more visual effects over the years and 2013 was still in the early stages of that for TV, so I’m not going to be too critical of it, but it’s mostly how the characters dress and talk doesn’t seem very 60’s a lot of the time. But hey what do I know? I wasn’t alive in the 60’s.

I do NOT like the weather machine side plot though. I thought that was really really stupid. But I do understand that there needed to be a common enemy for the two groups to work together to fight, but mad scientists and a weather machine is the best they could come up with??? They were in the movie for like 5 minutes total I would say. They have 0 motivation, they are only used to get the two groups to get along, and they are used as an excuse for the storm. That’s it. The villains are just devices and not actual characters. Like I don’t need a sob story for a villain to get behind them, just someone at least interesting...I mean, I know the movie within the movie is supposed to be really cheesy and dumb, but you can still have interesting characters.

I do however like the way that Mack and Brady call out some of the bull crap that’s in these movies sometimes, like how they suddenly know what’s going to happen next even though they couldn’t have known, in order for the movie to move forward. It’s so meta haha I like it a lot. At least the writers have some idea of what’s up.

The characters. I did mention it a bit earlier. Mack is probably my favorite (again, it’s not like she’s my favorite character ever, like by any means). And the main biker girl I forget her name. She is really cute and her mannerisms and looks are perfect for the time period I think. The boy characters kinda suck. I mean Brady has a point that he didn’t realize Mack was even leaving until the night before she was supposed to leave. Like,I feel like that’s something you should mention when you meet someone you wanna date??? “Oh by the way I have to leave in a year for school so I’m not going to be here long” like was it that effing hard to say???

Sorry off topic. Brady just loves surfing and having fun on the beach, and that’s about it. Oh and he loves this movie a lot so when they get trapped in it he already knows the context. So that’s basically it. Mack is pretty much the only real character in the entire DCOM and everyone else is just used as a prop to get her where she needs to go. BUT it doesn’t mean I hate all the rest of the characters, in fact I find pretty much all of them to be entertaining, except for the villains who are really useless.

Let’s talk about the aunt and the grandpa for a second. So they made a deal that mack would stay with her grandpa for her first two years of high school, and then she would go with her aunt to this new school for her last two years. Alright, cool. I thought grandpa would have more of a presence in the movie, or talk more to Mack about....well anything. But I guess not? He just stands there and watches Mack get swallowed by the wave and seems to be told to act sad. Sorry my mind is all over the place. Anyway, Mack says at the end of the movie that she wants to stay where she is and the aunt is like okay, even though her character was all stiff and huffy and uptight. Like you’re not even gonna put up a little fight??? Things don’t go this well in real life, I hope kids know this.

Okay ranting over lol. The songs were pretty good, not the absolute best I’ve ever heard but they’re good, just not catchy enough I guess. It’s just trying too hard to be HSM but it’s fine I guess. At this point nothing can top the HSM songs, so I won’t knock off too many points for that. I really do like the twist in the middle where Mack and Brady mess up the movie, but it basically ends up not mattering later (something I’m also mad about) but for a while I was like ooooooooo spicy! And I also like how Mack gave the biker girl advise about boys and standing up for yourself and doing things because you want to, not cuz someone else told you to, which directly applies to her own life. Clever stuff man.

Alright time for an overall grade. I gave this one a straight B because even though I did rant about this movie a lot, I felt weird giving it a C. There is slightly more going for it than against it. It’s still a fun summer movie, and it’s not meant to be taken too seriously, just like camp rock 2. And that’s alright in my book! I just wish this one put more heart and meaning to it, but it was definitely itself entertaining with some classic DCOM cheesy and cringey elements.

One last thing I forgot to mention: I guess they don’t allow lip kissing anymore (I’m sure I mentioned this before) all the main character couples do is hold hands and hug and stare into each other’s eyes. Like who the eff made that decision that all kissing was banned? (Cheek kisses are still a thing but wtf) I’m just ugh did parents complain or something? Is kissing seriously too gross for Disney channel, even if it’s just a peck? What the poop?? Ughh second rant over.

So the next DCOM looks like a snowboarding movie which is like the complete opposite of this movie about surfing, just thought that was funny! I’m going to challenge myself and see if I can get the rest of these movies done by September 1st, but at the rate I’m going now, I doubt it...but we’ll just have to see. Wish me luck lol

[chibimyumi]

Hey! Hope everything's fine (: I wanna ask about the following: what do you think will happen to r!Ciel? I just can't see o!Ciel, Sebastian, the Undertaker etc killing r!Ciel... He might decide to leave the scene for his brother's sake. It would be quite ironic if r!Ciel will choose to sacrifice himself after UT's hard work to bring him back to "life", given the fact that he's an ex-human who committed suicide.

Dear Anon,

First of all, thank you very much, I am doing great. I hope you’re doing great as well! Secondly, I am so sorry for the late reply.

What I think will happen to R!Ciel.

I definitely think that Undertaker will do anything in his power to make sure that R!Ciel does not get killed again; we have seen Undertaker’s obsession with the Phantomhive family, after all.

Sebastian is the titular character of this series, and right now he is incredibly scared of the reaper. Functionally, Undertaker is designed as the main villain and foil to Sebastian. Therefore, storytelling-wise, I think the logical proceeding would be for Sebas to thwart Undertaker when it comes to R!Ciel. Both of them would share the same reason to oppose each other, namely that they are each other’s greatest obstacle in achieving their respective goals. For Sebastian, it is to fulfil his contract and devour O!Ciel, which Undertaker is trying to prevent. For Undertaker, it is for Sebas to NOT fulfil his contract, as he wishes to reunite the Phantomhive family as much as possible. As such, though R!Ciel is of course a character of his own, he does also function as a plot-device for Sebas’ character arc to bear fruit.

Unpacking ‘Need vs Want’

Any good character arc should contain a good ‘need vs want’ correlation. The part above ⇈ and the greatest part of the manga so far, addresses only the ‘need’ in the ‘need vs want’ in Sebastian’s character arc. The ‘want’ is mostly left untouched. Sure, we could say that Sebastian ‘wants’ to fulfil his contract in order to have O!Ciel’s soul, but there has never been any explicit explanation as to whether Sebas had a choice in the matter to begin with. He did not seem to have any say in whether he gets summoned or not, as was suggested by him telling O!Ciel to dismiss him if he required no service of him. Here, we learned that Sebas can’t just leave on his own accord; i.e. he is chained. From this, we may conclude that sacrificing R!Ciel was the fee to get Sebastian to travel to the human world. If we do accept that he had no say in whether he wanted to come or not, we could say that by ‘paying’ with R!Ciel, Sebas was put in a magic-parcel and sent to O!Ciel, with the included promise to enter a bond of servitude. In order to dismiss him, the same postage fee would have been required to repack him and send him back.

If we accept Sebas’ condition of entering the contract as being involuntary, all the ‘want’ in him that is left so far is:

wanting his meal to be delicious

to not be a speechless slave.

Out of these two ‘wants’ however, only number 1 counts as the correlation with the ‘need’ which befits a character arc.  Number 2 is more of a coping mechanism, or a means to an end, if anything. Whether or not he acts like a speechless slave will not really change the way he fulfils his contract. For number 1 however, Sebas does need to act differently depending on how he wishes to manipulate the flavour of O!Ciel’s soul. Sure, so far in the manga, Sebastian has done quite a few things already to influence the flavour of his meal, e.g. letting the snakes attack the boy in Snake’s tent in the circus arc, or not allowing him to continue simpering due to trauma in the werewolf arc. (But one could even argue that shocking him out of trauma has more to do with the ‘need’…)

The current development in regards to Undertaker is probably the first time where Sebas’ ‘want’ arc can finally shine. I shall explain below:

R!Ciel and O!Ciel’s bond.

One of the most important things the flashbacks were telling us is that O!Ciel and R!Ciel have an incredibly strong bond, and that O!Ciel used to be hyper dependent on his older sibling. After R!Ciel died, O!Ciel had to rapidly grow up in order to fill the shoes his brother left behind, as well as to establish his own identity, or arguably, his brother’s identity according to the almost idealistic standard to which the younger twin held him.

O!Ciel is no longer dependent on his twin, but if we read this spread page from the werewolf arc as the order of guilt-level O!Ciel feels towards people, we see R!Ciel being in position number 1.

So the arc for O!Ciel here is to decide whether his sentiments play a role in his decision making.

Will he show that he has entirely let go of his sentiments and see R!Ciel for the zombie he is, and continue his revenge arc in a bee-line?

Or will lingering sentiments flow into a mini personal-redemption arc now that the main object of O!Ciel’s guilt is back?

Considering O!Ciel’s personality, I personally am more willing to bank on a route 2, where the sentiments might threaten to influence O!Ciel, but him having to smack these feelings down even more harshly. If anything O!Ciel has learned in the past almost-4 years, is that the dead stay dead. Back in chapter 19, O!Ciel even lectured Soma on the stupidity of wishing things back that are gone at one point.

O!Ciel realises very well that R!Ciel is not his brother anymore. We have seen his shock upon seeing his brother’s corpse talking to him, yes, but afterwards, the first spoken reaction we see of him is utter outrage. That scene was so full of spontaneity and catharsis, it is hard to believe that he used all those long, looong moments of absolute silence to come up with a script to give people a ‘show’ of how he wants his zombie brother deader. If anything, the long period of silence was probably him considering what the return of ‘the real first born’ means to him, and how it will influence his future. And of course O!Ciel is not happy to find out that the one adversary even his demon seems unable to overcome, has become their adversary again in a major problem that O!Ciel cannot afford to hand-wave. During the Campania- and the Boarding School Arc, O!Ciel could say: “Oh, Undertaker is up to no good, he has to be stopped. If not, then it sucks for others.” But now, if Undertaker doesn’t get stopped FOR GOOD, well… it will become: “That sucks a lot for me!”

Returning to Sebastian’s ‘want’

So, what does all this rant about O!Ciel have to do with Sebastian’s ‘want’ arc? If O!Ciel goes for route 1 (bee-line to revenge), then Sebastian and O!Ciel’s ‘want’ arc will overlap, and the two of them can head towards the same goal (albeit with different motivations).Here above however, I said that I am more likely to vouch for route 2.

If O!Ciel opts for route 2, then O!Ciel’s ‘want’ and Sebastian’s  ‘want’ will contradict, as surely Sebastian is not waiting for a soul with ‘too-many-sentiments-to-kill-a-corpse’ flavour. In that case, however reluctant Sebastian might be to fight Undertaker again, he will at least make sure that O!Ciel’s resolve to kill the zombie won’t wither. This task however, will require a much greater effort and determination on Sebastian’s part than anything he has done so far in terms of ‘seasoning his meal’. The snake-stunt in the Circus Arc was adding some salt and pepper perhaps, but this time, playing a hand in whether or not O!Ciel has the guts to kill R!Ciel will be as flavour-changing as choosing between boiling or stir-frying a meal.

Hence, with clashing interests between demon and boy, Sebastian must see to it that his ‘want’ won’t be hindered by O!Ciel’s ‘want’. So,  ladies and gentlemen, and other respectable individuals, here is where we might see Sebastian’s first ‘want’ arc where he acts solely out of personal desire. Regardless of whether O!Ciel would initially choose route 1 or 2, the final result (if Sebas has any say in the matter) will still result in them going after R!Ciel.

R!Ciel Leaving Baby Brother?

As for R!Ciel leaving the scene for his brother’s sake… I personally find it quite hard to believe so. As explained in the Boarding School Arc, Bizarre Dolls – however well they are made – are in essence the embodiment of a person’s strongest emotions and fixations in life. R!Ciel’s fixation is probably his regret that he could not stay by his baby brother’s side to protect him and planning every detail out in their ‘glorious shared future’. Remember how R!Ciel could not handle O!Ciel saying he is going to live his own life and become a toy maker? Yikes.

The possessiveness of R!Ciel that was unfiltered due to his young age became the essence of his current being; a baby-bro-con zombie. Instead of “braaains”, it is “baby-brooooo”. In short, I do not think there is any chance R!Ciel will be able to physically and mentally let go of O!Ciel. As touched upon in this post, I think Undertaker’s and O!Ciel’s shared objective is to force O!Ciel to live a ‘happy life’ together with his twin.

If anything, R!Ciel’s (artificial) intentions fit the theme of Kuroshitsuji perfectly; humans are too greedy to let go and will submit to their greed ever after death.

If we consider this, then the Bizarre Dolls tell us that: “what makes humans human is their greed and fixation. In order to make a corpse human again, the main and only way to make this possible is to restore this greed and fixation.

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

HIStory’s ranked (no one asked, but here i go)

so i was sittin here, talkin to myself about the HIStory series’ and was like ‘hey, i should rank them’ (which i’ve seen a few other people do, but mines a lot more rambling than there’s because i can’t shut up lol) 

so here’s my views lol (ordered from worst to best, imo):

6) My Hero (HIStory1) -

probably universally acknowledged as the worst episode, and i’d be inclined to agree with the masses on this lol... not only is the tone and humour of this series so weird and disjointed, but the entire story line literally makes no sense lol?? it’s unclear who the audience should be rooting for (especially as it goes out of it’s way to paint our protagonist as really unlikable lol, not to mention the love interest is the dullest character ever conceived like ???), as well as this the ending feels completely unrelated and bizarre... 

i think this concept /could/ have worked if the guy the woman was inhabiting (which sounds weird without context, but like she’s dead lol) was somehow also inside his head? or if she got to see his memories or whatever & tries to adjust her personality to match the guy’s, causing love interest!dude to fall in love with the guy... (like i could go into more detail, i basically hav an entire au written in my head lol, but yh...)... that way, her letting go of him in the end would feel so much more well set up? especially if she was generally more understanding and likeable.. 

i think overall this series just fails in telling a decent story lol... & the cringe is even beyond what i can handle lol

5) Obsessed (HIStory1) -

people might be surprised to see this one so low down, especially since i know a lot of people really love this series (& if u do, no hate to u btw, ur allowed to like whatever u want idc), but i realllllly don’t like this series... like at all ...

the plot is weird anyway, which isnt inherently a bad thing, but then u add on the really bad couple and it’s just...... bad lol... like everything about their relationship is built on lies and deceit, and even more so than that it’s built on a lack of mutual respect and fundamental trust for each other! tall guy (i don’t know names soz) feigns memory loss in order to get closer to short guy (btw, the scenes with them being domestic were really sweet, & i firmly believe this could have been an alright series for the actors if the story line wasn’t so bad), short guy’s whole existence in that universe was a lie lol (like i know there’s no easy way to tell someone ‘lol well i’m technically from the future’ but still), then there’s the whole resolution at the end & it’s just so ??? frustrating lol!

nothing bugs me more than seeing conflict in relationships (on screen or irl) that could be solved simply by TALKING TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT & isnt lol... my other issue with this series is the fact tall guy 100% forced himself upon short guy in the tent & like we’re just supposed to accept it cos ?? he’s saying no and pushing away but actually he wants it because he loves tall guy ?? like fuck no i’m not accepting that lol! 

basically, bad & bizarre story & characters, & gross tropes just makes this hard for me to watch and enjoy lol... i think, like in my hero, this could’ve done with being a different story altogether lol... (maybe tall guy actually did lose his memory & he falls for short guy all on his own with no predatory intentions?? idk something like that)

4) Right or Wrong (HIStory2)

this one & my number 3 are very much tied tbh, but this one is just slightly lower just because i’m not as big into the couple as i know a lot of people are... & it’s not necessarily the age gap, cos i dont actually mind age gaps in pairings (just as long as the younger one isnt a minor, obv... and also i think any gap that’s 30+ years is a bit weird lol..).. i think my big problem with this is i dont really see why younger guy (again, i have no idea of any of these characters’ names lol) would fall for the older guy? like the older guy is obvs going thru some issues, and hasnt been taking care of himself or his kid properly because of them, but like we dont rly see a lot of why he’s a great guy? like we get the sense young guy is attracted to him, but like love is more than just thinkin they’re hot lol... idk lol this might just be me tbh i just couldnt see why he’d be interested lol

i did like the whole family side though, and showing how a man who was previously with a woman can still end up with a guy (bisexualityyyyy (or some variation of that thereupon)) is something you dont always see in media, so i thought that was pretty cool! (even if the ex-wife thing was kinda lame lol...) 

i think overall i see what this series was going for, and that it actually did an alright job in some parts... the biggest problem is that it’s kinda just forgettable lol... maybe that’s why people like obsessed so much lol? maybe it was a train wreck but ohh boy at least u wont forget it in a hurry lol!

3) Stay Away From Me (HIStory1) -

i’m a bit torn about this one, cos there are parts of it i actually really like (them going from rivals/enemies to being good friends to being more), and other parts i really didnt (the stereotypical squealing yaoi fangirl friend)... & tbh, i kinda wish this had just been a show about the budding friendship between the 2 guys... it almost feels too forced to me that they’re made to ‘fall in love’ when i actually think them both becoming less selfish and learning to respect each other as step brothers & friends is actually already a really great story (& i know that it doesnt fit with the whole ‘HIStory’ thing, but stories of platonic brotherhood/’bromance’ are just as important as gay representation... isnt a /substitute/ for representation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always so beautiful to see decently portrayed non-toxic friendships between guys... ok this is a rant for another day tho shhh)

i think maybe why i like this one more than the other HIStory1′s is because kinda nothing happens lol... it’s not overly complex with weird unexplained magic things happening, it’s just a simple story lol... is it still tropey as hell? of course lol! but i think the ‘realism’ of the world really helps, and i def think this was incorporated more into HIStory 2, which i’m really glad about...

overall, this is a relatively harmless series & is actually quite sweet at times... the kiss is awkward as fuck tho (there, i said it lol...)... it suffers the same forgetability as right or wrong tho... 

2) Crossing the Line (/Boundary Crossing) (HIStory2) -

ok, so here’s a series i 100% love & totally agree with the hype around lol! i hav no interest in volleyball (or any sports tbh), but the way this show handles the friendships and dynamics between the characters is really well done, especially for a series that’s only 8 episodes long! i also really love that none of the characters really fall into any stereotypes (which is a great improvement from HIStory1 i can tell u lol), and are given the space to actually have some growth & nuance at times?! 

(nuance? in MY HIStory series?? it’s more likely than you think!)

the main couple have really amazing chemistry, and the way they get together doesnt feel too out of place or that it’s going to fast, it just sorta flows really nicely... even the side couple are pretty well done (though i wasnt that big into them on my first watch, just cos the whole overbearing older brother thing was kinda annoying... i liked them more as the series went on tho...)

i kinda dont have any major complaints? which is bizarre cos i always hav complaints about things lol... maybe my complaint would be that they all look way too old and attractive to be whatever teenage age they’re supposed to be lol... (but tbh that doesnt take anything away from the story so i’ll forgive them lol...)... i think maybe i wouldnt consider it my favourite because the story line didnt grab me like the number 1... but i really cant fault it in terms of what it delivers lol, legit such a well put together series!

1) Trapped (HIStory3) -

lol i think anyone who’s been following me for the past few months aren’t in the slightest bit surprised this is my number one... i just love it too much lol!

from the incredibly well written and well acted characters, to the interesting and engaging (even if a bit ridiculous) plot, to the beautifully told romance , it really has it all doesn’t it!!! & i think even if this wasnt an enemies to lovers thing (aka one of the most godtier of all fanfic tropes), there’s so many things going for this series that make it worth watching! i have a few complains about editing choices and a few bad trope plot points which were just unnecessary (plus the fact we missed out on a lot of background info on some major characters lol...), but like despite everything this series rly struck a chord with me deep down in my soul lol

i could go waaay more into detail (and maybe i will one day lol... tho not rn, i’m v tired), but the gist of the matter is: i really love trapped lol

(conclusion)

Even though i’ve complained quite a bit here, i am so grateful for the HIStory series’ for bringing really interesting, and a little mad, stories with gay characters and story lines, with a big emphasis on happy endings! there are so many lgbt stories/characters in things that end up dying or just have bad endings, which just sends this horrible message that lgbt people aren’t worthy of having happy endings, which is completely untrue! 

So i look forward to future HIStory’s, even if some of them are gonna be bad (& maybe none will live up to the trapped!shaped bullet firmly lodged in my heart lol)

fin~

[dillydedalus]

august reading

minus my women in translation month reads, because i’m still working on the last one but want to include it... that wrap-up will come in a few days once i’m done with the last book. 

not all dead white men: classics and misogyny in the digital age, donna zuckerberg classicist donna zuckerberg (facebook dude’s sister!) talks about how the alt-right, pick-up artists, incels etc. use the classics to assert & justify their misogyny and racism & portray themselves as the inheritors/saviours of western civilisation etc. the main examples she looks at are stoicism, ovid’s ars amatoria, and ancient narratives about sexual violence, which were all really interesting, but i feel like this could have been expanded a lot. 3.5/5

magic for liars, sarah gailey fun & cool crime story about a murder at a secret magical school (school nurse cut in half in magical library!), answering the burning question of what would happen if petunia dursley became a somewhat dysfunctional PI & had to solve a magical murder at hogwarts, where lily is a teacher. 3/5

the lie tree, frances hardinge frances hardinge writes the kind of middle grade/YA books i wish i could have read between like 10-14, where the world is spooky and the girls are angry spiteful stubborn resourceful sneaky things. i loved a skinful of shadows and i loved the lie tree, where curious snake girl (not literally it’s not that kind of a book) has to investigate her scandal-hounded natural scientist father’s death by spreading lies on the miserable island he died on and literally feeding them to spooky science-defying tree - and faith is very good at lying, and very angry, and very much willing to drag the whole island down with her. read for spooky trees, fake ghosts, and victorian male natural scientists being dumb and sexist & victorian female (& thus secret) natural scientist being smart & awesome. 4.5/5

the dead ladies project: exiles, expats & ex-countries, jessa crispin i have been at turns in love & really annoyed with crispin’s 2012 essay on william james, berlin & her own mental breakdown (x) since uh..... 2012 - it says some really interesting things about berlin’s capital-i Image as the city for self-destructive broke & weird messes, it’s very quotable, while also being some of the most irritating Anglophone Expat in Berlin Bullshit ever concocted (’we have surprisingly affordable rents’ sure didn’t age well.....) and saying almost nothing about the actual city outside of the Expat Bubble (apparently every single person in berlin is here because they feel like a failure.... YALL SOME PEOPLE JUST LIVE HERE). this book, structured around crispin’s soul-searching trip around europe, with each city being discussed in connection with an artist/writer/artist’s wife/etc who lived there, opens with that essay and i’m still torn. the thing is, crispin is smart & well-read & occasionally capable of some interesting insight & good writing..... she is also at times utterly insufferable, ranting at length about how she despises women who perform learned helplessness & prioritise men over everything else only to turn around & do the same fucking thing over & over, incl. going on endlessly about her torturous affair with a married writer, performing her ‘broke but independent woman traveller’ while uh.... staying at a friend’s luxurious farmhouse in switzerland for free... at one point she says she never felt at home in kansas bc based on her looks people don’t believe she’s really from kansas & constantly ask her where she’s REALLY from because.... y’all.... while she’s a good-looking white woman she has an ANGULAR FACE. sure jan. there is so much cool stuff in here, and i wish crispin had kept some most of the personal stuff out of it. 2/5 

mansfield park, jane austen hmmmm... austen is always good but this feels like it’s maybe the one novel of hers that is most negatively affected by values dissonance in that its morality feels like it’s from an alien culture which considers a private theatre performance to be the very height of impropriety (aka regency england apparently); as a result, fanny, a passive, timid, neglected girl of strong convictions often comes across as a moralistic prig (i will make no excuses for edmund, who’s just a patronising sanctimonious prig outright). there’s a quiet sort of triumph in fanny’s integrity & conviction in the face of a literal campaign of harrassment from everyone in her life including the dude she’s in love with to marry a reforming (maybe) rake & i love her for that, but her triumph in returning to mansfield park elevated in the esteem of everyone there (except aunt norris who is delightfully vile) feels empty considering that these are the same people who previously neglected her. also edmund sucks. 3/5 #justice4marycrawford #mary/fannyOTP #alsoarewegonnatalkabouttheslavery #guessnot

fool’s quest (fitz & the fool #2), robin hobb the first one in this trilogy was pretty much slow-paced set-up and character development... this one is much better: there’s a lot going on & the character development feels much more organic & complex - fitz seems to have come down from Peak Dumbass a bit & i really liked how it developed shun (shine!!!) and lant, who felt really one-dimensionally awful last book. also there are so many moments when the farseer family really comes thru for fitz & i cried literally every single time. so yeah. this one’s great, can’t wait for the next one but i also really don’t want it to be over :/ 4/5

what matters in jane austen, john mullan fun little collection of essays looking at specific details and minutae and their meaning/importance in austen’s work - like, how old are the characters (incl. age differences), how do characters address each other, what do games do they play, what about the servants, etc. don’t expect deep litcrit but it’s fun. 2.5/5

dead mountain: the untold true story of the dyatlov pass incident, donnie eichar hello i’m fred & i am obsessed with mountaineering disasters. the dyatlov pass incident refers to a night in 1959 where 9 russian hikers died in the ural mountains after they left their tent half-dressed without shoes for ~mysterious reasons. it’s pretty creepy & theories about it run from ‘avalanche’ to ‘animal [yeti] attack’ to ‘aliens and/or soviet conspiracy theory’. eichar too is super obsessed w/ this mystery and even went to the ural mountains & the dyatlov pass to investigate, which sadly makes for the least interesting (and possibly the longest) part of this book (the other timelines are the dyatlov group hike & the investigations after their deaths). the ‘59 timelines are both interesting tho & provide a good look into how weird the whole thing is. i enjoyed this, but i wish he had cut the endless chapters of him investigating, which is mostly russians being like ‘idk man aliens/radioactivity/secret govt agents?’ and him hiking around in a lot of snow, neither of which really added to his theory or my enjoyment. 2/5

if beale street could talk, james baldwin baldwin’s prose is staggeringly brilliant as always. this is a story about a young black couple (tish, who is the narrator, and fonny) in the 70s who are planning to move together and marry when fonny is wrongly arrested for rape by a racist cop with a grudge; tish and her family try to get him out, especially once tish realises that she’s pregnant. tish is a great narrator, at the same time kind of naive and soft, and full of world-weary cynicism about white institutions and racism, and her narrative voice at times drifts in and out of other characters’ minds, which i found an interesting effect. as many baldwin’s novels this is full of rage & violence & tenderness & tiny sparks of hope. 4/5

lady susan, jane austen epistolary novella about a 35-year-old lady susan, a scheming, ruthless, not-so-grieving widow, who is trying to get her timid daughter frederica married to a buffoon. while staying with her sweetly clueless brother-in-law vernon and trying to win over his much more suspicious wife, she makes the wife’s brother reginald (lol) fall in love with her. a very different protag and story for austen & while the end can’t quite commit to either punishing susan very much or letting her triumph, it is a lot of fun. 3/5

on a sunbeam, tillie walden this is an absolutely beautiful (the colours!) graphic novel about a spaceship crew (the spaceship is a fish) who fly around & restore old space buildings. it’s also a story about a romance between two young girls at a boarding school (in space) and about found families and deep space and there’s not a single man in this, just women and elliot, who’s nonbinary. lovely, dreamy and completely gorgeous. want me a fish spaceship. 4/5

between birthday books and birthday giftcards i also acquired uh.... 12 new books??? which is INSANE. i’m not committing to a book buying ban but i should probably chill a lil in the next few months. 

[spacerhapsody]

TOP 10 characters :D

(You are the best! :D)

I’ve decided to go with the ones that are some kind of all-time favourites because otherwise I wouldn’t even know where to start. So, here we go, in no particular order, because that would just be cruel:

James Flint (Black Sails) Listen, I’d follow this man into battle, into ruin, and probably even into hell, he’s such a great character, there is so much, so much pain, anger, emotions, and yet still all that softness underneath. He killed a man with his bare hands in the very first episode and yet I just knew. That’s him, that’s the one. Also, starting a war on England because England was a homophobic asshole? Your fav could never.

Julio Richter/Rictor (Marvel)X-Factor Investigations was the series that got me into comics (in hindsight a questioable decision on its own, but w/e), so maybe that’s part of the reason why he’ll always have a special place in my heart, but I just love everything about him, from his ridiculous fashion sense to the years he spent so deep in the closet he was basically in Narnia. Also, the way his depression gets handled still breaks me every time. Also², Rictor/Shatterstar is possibly one of the best things Marvel ever created (OTP: It can only be you.

Ronan Lynch (The Raven Cycle)Oh my god, Ronan. Who appears to be so sharp, acts like the badass troublemaker, and is just so angry so often, but actually took a baby raven out of his dreams, dreamt up a baby brother who’s all sunshine and happiness, whose softness somehow can’t even be taken away by the darkest things and places, and who just loves the few people he cares about so goddamn much, how could I not love him?Also, because I still remember the discussion about this, he was clearly written as gay from the very beginning, but in the most hilarious way. (Comparing Blue’s dress to a lampshape, and then “Whatever sort of lamp it belonged on, Gansey clearly wished he had one. Ronan wasn’t a fan of lamps.“? ICONIC. Also “I’m always straight.” - “Oh man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.”)

Percy Weasley (Harry Potter)Probably the most controversial of them all on Tumblr, but you can pry my love for Percy from my cold, dead hands. I’ve ranted about this a lot, but let me rant just about this one thing again: When it comes down to it, he doesn’t really fit into his family who are all loud and chaotic, when he’s just… not. And it’s not even like they have nothing in common, it’s just that nobody makes an effort to really understand him or to really get to know him, this frustrates me to no end, okay, because there are so many layers there and I love all of them so much!

Donna Noble (Doctor Who)DONNAAAAAA! Of all the characters who deserved so much better, she’s really reduced me to screaming her name into the void every time I see something about her/think about her, because SHE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER, she deserved the universe, and she deserved to remember it. Also, she’s probably my favourite companion of all time because her dynamic with Ten is hands down the best (”You’re not mating with me, sunshine.”). She takes no shit from him, but it’s not like she’s harsh or anything, she’s got so much compassion, and she managed to be awesome without having a special connection to the Doctor or some ~mystery~ about her to solve.

Daisuke Motomiya (Digimon)Light of my life, miracle child of mine! He gets so much shit in and out of universe, with everyone thinking he’s just an idiot, but he is so brave, so optimistic despite the way almost everyone treats him and everything happening to him and his friends, so full of love. I’ve said it again and again, but the world truly would be a better place with more people like him, and everyone’s life would be so much better with a friend like him.

Alex Drake (Ashes to Ashes)I’ve mentioned her actress in the reply to that last ask, and obviously all of her outfits and hairstyles are such a “do I want to be you or do I want to be with you” mood, it’s the best/worst (I am weak for the 80s, I never stood a chance).But also, she’s such a good lead and character! I was super sceptical after Life on Mars because I thought nobody could be as interesting as Sam Tyler in a setting like this, but I think she totally beat him in personality and chemistry with Gene hunt, and that’s gotta say something.

Sirius Black (Harry Potter)Okay, I tried to include only one character per fandom, but Sirius Black has been one of the first characters I’ve ever been kind of obsessed with (I remember drawing sketches in my homework planner of me going after Bellatrix Lestrange for killing him, this feels like a lifetime ago), and I feel like the older I get, the more – and deeper – reasons to love him I find.I mean, he’s already got bonus points for the cool hair, leather jacket and motorcycle stuff (plus, he’s like 100% gay, fight me JKR), but he’s also a fucking mess. Even before Azkaban, but both that and the way he grew up and then walked away from his family probably bring out his flaws even more, and it’s great, because all of this makes him such an interesting character.

Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)How often can you cry over the same character arc? Because is2g, I do every single time, it’s just so well done. In terms of redemption arcs, it set the bar so fucking high that I don’t think I’ve seen anything ever since that came close.And, I mean. He’s got all that angst from his history with his father and Azula and the path that sent him on, there’s so much growth that I could talk about that alone for ages, but he’s also just so awkward and such a goddamn idiot, it’s so perfect.

Tonda (Krabat)This one might seem a bit out of place (does anyone even know this book?) but 11-year-old me fell in love with him when we were reading this book at school, and the rest is history. I’ve been rereading it a few times over the last 20 years because I still love it and somehow always find new things to fall in love with, but what always stays the same is my love for Tonda. His story still kind of breaks my heart, and his friendship with Krabat probably even more. Characters who’ve been through so much but still are caring and want to protect their friends? GOD, YES.

[not-a-statement]

Chasing ghosts. Chapter 2

So for some reason I can’t edit my masterlist for this story. On of us - me or tumblr - is definitely a clumsy fool. 

Anyway, it’s been a long time but here I post again. This chapter introduces original characters and focuses on them exclusively.

Critics and opinions are always appreciated.

Baton Rouge,LA, January 23, 2035

The general office of the State Police Department was filled with sounds and people typical for Monday morning. Investigators, detectives, even a couple of court clerks were moving slowly between the work tables. Phones ringing, Maggie's coffee machine softly grumbling, detective Nate Parker rants about his little rendez vous with a couple of girls past weekend, which caused an occasional bursts of laughter from a small group of listeners. Someone’s complaining about son, who’s got yet another detention at school. That scallywag was caught smoking in the school closet during lunch break. “I mean, come on! What’s the school’s backyard is for? What’s wrong with these children?”

All this leaving no chances at all for detective Robert Brooks to focus on completing the report. Frankly, if there was anything consistent to write then probably no excuses could take place. The missing was found the week prior in the Pine Prairie area - one of the tourists called the police and said that near the shore of Lake Millers lied a body of a dead girl dressed in a white light dress. By the time detectives and the team of medical experts arrived, a decent crowd of onlookers gathered around the corpse, hence searching for traces at the crime scene wouldn’t be for big avail.

What else?

There’s no doubt that the victim was killed - even though the lungs were full of liquid and the fact that clothes and skin of the deceased were pretty much hinting that she’s spent plenty of time in the water, a rope trace was found on her neck. So, the drowning was staged.

By whom?

Well, here’s where interesting questions start.

No wonder why the crime scene was so crowded - case after case were quaking the whole country. People kept disappearing in a daylight - single men and women of different ages, usually without family and friends - those who wouldn’t be immediately claimed missing. Generally the search would last for about a week or two only to let detectives stand before such corpses (and it could’ve been worse, if one believed Nate the Chatter Box) or find victims alive but absolutely insane. Wearing rags, disoriented, and with no memory at all, no one even remembered their names.

People were frightened. And no one had even a small clue, even a hint, about this maniac’s whereabouts or appearance. His work was flawless - every time a new case appeared in press, this bastard’s already in another state. Probably.

At least everything looked like that  - no one had accurate information. And, which was a very bad thing to say, such cases were a nightmare for any detective - perfect addition to the record. There were adventurers, of course, who wanted to catch their own Zodiac, but most people were genuinely concerned about their careers.

And so it happened that careerist Brooks was not only brought to a partner of the adventurer Tam Bennett, and more so, he was appointed to investigate such a case.

Robert sighed, once again glancing over the printed report page on the computer screen.

Elizabeth Arthrisha Marlowe, born in 2019, blah blah blah ... Numerous abrasions on the arms in the forearm, blah blah ... The time of death was determined between 9 pm and midnight on January 17 of this year ... and more rubbish. Seriously, what else to write?

When he and Tam just started the investigation about two weeks prior Robert was saving hope that that time would be a fluke. Children and adolescents haven’t figured in such cases so far, and a sixteen-year-old girl could go to carouse with friends, or with some guy - anything. But the fact was bulletproof  - the corpse of Lake Millers was identified, parents were heartbroken, Captain Hernandez was constantly inspecting for progress on the case, and Bennett was obsessed with all sorts of theories. Or women.

Where is, by the way, that boy this time? Monday, ten in the morning! Wasn’t it Tam who kept calling me all Sunday while I tried to spend the day off with family, and reminded of all the chores to do on Monday? That’s not even funny.

Okay...This won’t work. Perhaps the morning coffee-tobacco ritual will help clear the thoughts? Yes, sounds good. A cup of Colombian black with cream, a spoon of cane Mexican sugar and a pinch of cinnamon in a compartment with a cigarette and fresh morning air. The first good idea for today, Brooks.

Robert got up from his desk stretched and headed for the dispatcher's counter. After receiving his equivalent of the Holy Grail from  Maggie, he passed the doors leading to the office, a corridor filled with civilians who were brought here or who came by their own will, then the hall and finally went into the parking lot in front of the department building. The weather was pleasing, here and there, however, small flocks of clouds were gathering, but the sun was shining warmly. The city, long awakened, performed a symphony of the weekday - passing pickup trucks and small cars, ordinary townspeople and important birds like lawyers and real estate agents scurrying around here and there. You could even hear a heavy truck driving in the distance.

Someday all this will be rewarded, Brooks thought, releasing cigarette smoke and slowly sipping from a mug with the inscription "Best Daddy in the World". Another five years, and I’ll be in higher position, and five more - and here comes the retirement. A small house in California somewhere in Palo Alto, a neat little garden for my Mary and a home winery for both of us. Our Aaron and Lucy would come over for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter ... imagine - a festive table with the family and you are sitting at the head of the table. What else can you dream about? Life will be like this cup of coffee - warm, reliable and with a very long aftertaste, if sipping small ...

“Aaaaaah!!!!”

Mother of…!!!

Brooks threw up his hands in surprise, spilling half the contents of the mug on the sidewalk. Thank God not on a work shirt.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack at thirty-seven?" he yelled into Bennett's laughing face, sticking out of the silver Volkswagen’s window. Tam's hand was still on the honk.

"Seriously," he panted through his laughter, "you would see your face, Bob! Standing there, caught up in a daydream, and then this - Aaaaah!”

He mocked Robert’s grimace of horror.

That laughing blond face was so tempting to throw the rest of coffee at it! First he’s late for work, and now he decided to mock me!

All right, calm down, Robert, calm down. It would be disrespectful on your part to respond to the pranks of this toddler overgrown.

"Not funny, Tam," he said, trying to sound dignified, "what took you so long, by the way?"

“Oh, oh, oh! " Tam started fidgeting in the seat, shaking his arms around him.

"Wait ... where was it ..."

He began to search for something, bending in all imaginable and unthinkable directions. The front passenger seat, glove compartment, pockets on the doors, even under his feet. As Tam reached there, his head fell on the steering wheel with a swing, causing one more honk.

"Just find a spot and park already" Brooks said, rubbing the bridge of his nose with two fingers, pain in his voice. Seriously, not a partner, but a complete disappointment.

After Bennett parked his car in the far corner of the parking lot, and Brooks reached the porch of the building, finishing his coffee (great, the sugar at the bottom did not dissolve completely, and now the last sips are too sweet, splendid), they exchanged a handshake and went inside.

"I'm still waiting for the answer, young man" Robert said as strictly as he could as they crossed the hall.

"First, I'm not your son," replied Tam, smiling. "And second, I decided that I’d make you a surprise."

"What surprise for God’s sake? What are you up to again?”

"Don’t worry, Bobby, you'll like it! Very much!”

"Can you at least pretend sometimes that you're a professional?”  Robert didn’t like all those glances from people around, attracted by Tam's enthusiastic exclamations.

"Nah, I'm gorgeous just as I am" Bennett shrugged as they approached the door leading to the general office.

"Take the keys and wait for me at your car. Mine is... umm ... not in the purest condition today. I need to go to Sam, I'll be back in a moment”.

“Oh for love of...”

"Maggie! My doll!” - Bennett exclaimed, pressing his lips to the hand of the dispatcher, who immediately blushed and playfully giggled. The white blouse, she was wearing, obviously lacked buttons in certain places, which caused a lot of discomfort to Brooks. Bennett, apparently, didn’t mind this kind of view.

"How was the weekend, my sugar? Had many men kneeled?”

"I think you'd know better, detective," Maggie purred innocently  "or am I wrong?"

Really? In front of the whole office, these two would exchange so unconcealed expressions of passion and lust? Where’s the ethics committee when you need one?

"I'd love to know more ... dig a little deeper if you let me put it this way ..."

Wow! Okay, not listening to this! Gross and obnoxious!

"All in good time, detective. But next time you shouldn’t forget your promises about ... special equipment.”

The phone rang at the dispatcher's desk, putting an end to this vulgar scene much to Robert's relief. While Maggie, still crimson and still with a half-detached blouse, were answering the call, Tam winked at his partner and pronounced "handcuffs" with his lips, pointing his finger in the direction of that spicy’s lover. Just like a student at a dorm party.

"Don’t forget the keys!" he added, quickly moving away from the counter in the direction of Captain Hernandez office “I'll be in a sec!”

Brooks stayed where he stood, setting the mug on the counter. 

Here we go. Got nothing else to do but to stand here and wonder what this scoundrel has in mind. Every time. Every goddamn time. Easy to wound up with a half-turn, and everybody better run away within a radius of a couple of miles around. Cars soar into the air, tiles fly from the houses’ roofs, women in  panic, children crying. A real hurricane. Safe for the name - Tam, not Andrew.

"It's not even the first month that he works here. Sam lectures him constantly, I give instructions, and look at him. Always jumping ahead, as if his head’s made of stone and will demolish any wall”  Robert thought out loud “what's even going on in his brain? ..”

"Dunno much about the head, Bob," Maggie said in a caramel voice reappearing at the counter, dreamily slapping her eyelashes, "but trust me, what's going on in his pants ..."

"You know what, I already regret saying it out loud!" Jesus Christ, would this vulgarity scene come to an end already?!

Brooks got to his desk and sat down in the armchair. The plan for today, which could hardly be called consistent as it was, began to become completely insane. First the report, which he had nothing to write in, then spilled coffee, all sorts of bedtime insinuations - yes, Robert knew what sex was and where the children came from, he himself was a father, but that's too much - and now it's time to arm with a trowel and a little plastic bag to walk this boy. We ought to find a leash. Maggie probably would have one ...

No, no, that's a bad joke. Very bad.

Okay, probably the report can be a time killer, while Tam’s chatting with the captain. It’s not like time killers are always pleasing but what you gonna do, right?

At least there were some people who’d probably be happy with whatever Brooks wrote for a report of an adolescent girl’s horrifying murder. Newspaper editors.

It looked like they’re making it a competition to draw more attention to their source of information compared to competitors. "The Oregon maniac visits Louisiana." "Yet another reason to use the door chain." "Mysterious kids killer at large".

Blah blah blah. Scribblers.

Of course the case is serious and everybody mourns for the girl and prays for her parents to smother their misery, but is it really necessary to play with people's hearts like that? Add in the photo plastered on the front page - a police tape in the foreground and a bunch of people crowding behind it. Fresh stuff, just from the crime scene.

On Friday evening, when Brooks was about to leave home, anticipating a delicious chicken breast with Parmesan and eggplant for dinner, he found Nate and Tam in the interrogation room, staring intently at that exact photo from the newspaper. Enthusiasts. They say that the criminal always returns to the crime scene. So both decided to play bloodhounds. Also Robert could smell some booze in the room too, so...

On the other hand, if one took a sober look at things, then there wasn’t anything consistent either. No traces, no clues, even the smallest. Absolute zero. Robert had already suggested Hernandez to hand over the case to the special squad to take that burden of a case off his shoulders, but every time that question popped up Sam would just grin and pat Brooks on the shoulder.

"Bob, what are talking about? You have such an experience, such record! And what a chance to be a mentor to the young one!"

Sounds easier than it is...

“Surprise!” a folder fell sharply on the table in front of Brooks.

Oh my God…

“Cheer up, partner!" Tam said, plopping down in the armchair opposite to Brooks. "We have a case!"

"Um, I know," Robert raised an eyebrow, "and you always find an excuse to slick away"

"No, you don’t understand, Bobby." Bennett majestically placed his palm on the folder, touching it with his fingertips, and slowly moved it towards Brooks. "We have a case."

Robert, still looking suspiciously at the youngster, took the folder and opened it, going into reading. Photo, name, surname, lots and lots of text. With every line he read, the hope to at least somehow bring the present day to an acceptable level, was slipping away. It seemed that having a leash wasn’t a joking idea, but a very real necessity.

Brooks gave his partner a glance full of fatigue and disappointment.

“Well, am I good at making surprises or am I the best?” Bennett's brows creased conspiratorially.

"Please tell me this is a joke ..."

“Why?”

“Tam, I’m begging you.”

"What's wrong, Bob?"

Brooks heaved a deep sigh and began to read aloud.

“Mabel Jessica Pines, born in 1999, Piedmont, California. According to her landlords arrived on January 18 of this year from the city of New York. According to Smiths couple - owners of the apartment at 881 West Roosevelt Street Miss Pines rented - she came across as a modest, quiet woman, not particularly talkative and constantly thoughtful. Her interests were the surroundings, especially the University of Louisiana and Manchac swamps. Mr and Mrs. Smith also noted that she preferred not to answer questions about family and relatives. Only said that she was married, but got divorced a few years ago. Wasn’t seen participating in any phone calls. On the 20th of January she left the rented apartment and never came back. Was dressed in a gray coat and a long skirt, carrying a medium-sized travel bag and a mobile phone, which she stopped responding around 7 pm. Left a laptop and a notebook in the apartment”.

Brooks put down the folder and brought his hands to the bridge of his nose, resting his elbows on the countertop.

"Great, isn’t it?" exclaimed Tam. “Full set - you’ve got clues and description! All we need to do is restore her route, trace each her step, find her perso... What?”

Brooks, still holding his hands on the bridge of his nose, pointed to his partner with his finger, as if asking him to plug his fountain of enthusiasm.

"What's bothering, Bobby?"

Calm down, Robert, calm down. You are reasonable, smart man. You’ve had many of such conversations with your young son Aaron. It's the same, no differences.

"Bob, you're straining me."

Easy, easy. I'm straining him, you see. Well, well, let it be, a little bit of tension didn’t kill anyone so far. I'm still alive.

"Listen, you're breathing as if you've gone too far with pepper in the soup, Bobby.”

All right, that's enough.

Robert slowly raised his head, holding his hands together at the tip of his nose. He was breathing really deep and quite noisy.

"First," he began softly, clearing his throat, "call me Bobby one more time and you'll be riding in the back seat. And second, we have no new case. Foot down”.

Tam whistled.

“Hmm, mate, you're …”

"Let me ask you something" interrupted Robert, "when you accepted this case, which part of your organism was functioning as a thinking part?"

“What does it have to do with it? It's such an opportunity!”

“What opportunity? Tell me" Brooks asked, still keeping his coolness.

Tam looked at him with an expression of complete perplexity a second or two, then leaned forward and began:

“Listen. What’s the main problem we had with the Marlowe’s case?”

“The case itself.”

“I'm serious.”

“You don’t say! You know how to be serious?”

"Look, this isn’t funny” Tam frowned. "Our main problem was time which we’re lacking of. What did we initially know about the Marlowe girl? Almost nothing, neither where most likely she could go, nor her full circle of acquaintances. So no one expected that her loss could be just such a case.”

“What case?”

"Such a case" Bennett pointed to the folder, "clear as day."

Brooks raised his eyebrows.

"Give me at least a hint because I don’t really understand ..."

“There’s nothing to understand here. A lonely woman, from another city. Comes to nowhere and almost immediately disappears!” Bennett could barely restrain himself from being excited. "This is our Oregon maniac, I'm telling you."

Well, here you go.

When it comes to do paperwork, he has plan for the evening. And when it comes to burden me with additional stress, so he's first in line. It’s already becoming unbearable. How do I explain him?

"Ok, Tam," Robert said, restrainedly. "Here’s what we’ll do. You’ll take this muck to where you took it, wash your hands with soap and then we'll go to your piano tutor.”

Bennett made an uncomprehending face.

“Seriously. We are not taking this case and that’s final. We've had enough trouble with that Marlowe girl" Tam started to protest, but Brooks stopped him, lifting both his hands “No, I'm saying that’s enough. Get yourself a notebook, call it "My hasty conclusions that have nothing to do with reality" and write down all your speculation there.”

Robert got up from the table and began to pull on his jacket.

“Now you and I will get in the car, go for a coffee and do some work.”

With these words, Brooks took his car keys from the table, checked once more whether the token that hung on his belt of trousers was there and was ready to the exit the office when Bennett found something to say:

"So you'll go to Sam yourself?"

“For what?” Brooks froze half a turn, looking back at his partner.

Bennett just shrugged.

“Well, to tell him personally that you refuse to take the case, which he himself commissioned, for example?”

Sam did what?

“Come again.”

"The captain of the state police department assigns us a case, and you stand against the decision of your superiors." Bennett smiled ingenuously.  “Pretty brave of you, I must say.”

Oh no. No no no.

So it’s not Tam? Can this day get any worse?

Brooks sighed noisily and lowered his head, staring at his polished black boots. How many thresholds were overstepped by these guys, how many pursuits for criminals and capture operations they saw. How many times did Brooks polish them to shine, to look neat, while receiving a new title or listening a praise for a successfully disclosed case. How long have they gone and for what? In order to soon go to the dump together with the Robert’s career.

The vision of the house in California again appeared before him and immediately melted in a light haze. Nothing of the sort will happen if the captain continues to charge Robert with such hopeless cases and companions.

“So what?” Tam behind Brooks pointedly looked at his watch. “What did you say about coffee? Can we grab a cup for Sam? Well, you know, as a sign of respect and …”

"Come on ..." Robert muttered softly.

“Sorry, what?”

Brooks raised his eyes to the ceiling and repeated a little more distinctly:

“Come. On”

Bennett, grinning in a broad smile, instantly jumped from his seat, grabbed a folder from the table and flew past a still motionless partner, slapping him along the shoulder.

“That’s more like it!” he proclaimed joyfully. “New case, baby!”

Would you just shut up already an unfortunate thought flew through Robert's head as he sadly followed Tam out of the office.

***

“And she had very kind eyes. Hazel” Brooks looked into his notebook. Yes, this phrase has sounded for the third or fourth time for those half an hour from the time that detectives arrived to the landlords of the missing.

“Kind, but very sad eyes …”

"Yes, Mrs. Smith, I think I wrote it down," Robert said, holding out his hand to his cup of tea on the coffee table in front of him. Mr. Smith tumbled in the room noisily puffing, holding an ashtray in one hand while the second was already groping for his pocket.

“Anna really liked the girl” Mr. Smith perched in a chair next to his wife. The ashtray was placed on a table next to the cup of Brooks, and in the pocket finally found the coveted pack of cigarettes. A mischievous smile played on Mr. Smith's lips.

"Henry, for heaven's sake!" His wife threw up her hands. "How many times have I asked you not to smoke in the house! You know, my back does not welcome airing so often.”

"You can bear it once a week honey" Henry brought his lit-up match to a cigarette with trembling fingers then inhaled and immediately fell into a ruthless throaty cough.

Anna Smith shook her head worriedly, looking at her husband, and turned to the detective:

"I told him that forty years of smoking would make some consequences. Imagine - he wasn’t listening to me until he laid down on the surgery table! Who knew that you can get a tumor like that, right?”

"Benign," Henry finally cleared his throat, "it was benign, my dear. And the main thing I’m still in one piece. Head, hands, legs” he winked at the detective and folded his old mouth into a grin like a little mischievous schoolboy.

“And what’s betw…”

"When you, ahem ..." Robert hastily intervened to stop the phrase, which beginning wasn’t biding anything good "when you applied, you mentioned that Mabel reluctantly talked about herself. I believe that you’ve learned at least something about her?”

"Yes detective but very, very little." Mrs. Smith clasped her fingers and put them to her forehead, concentrating on something.

"She said she came from New York," her husband said, releasing a cloud of blue smoke, "god knows what called her to our backwoods ..."

"Oh shush, Henry." Mrs. Smith shook her finger in vexation. "I'm sure detective knows already where the girl came from."

“Can I clarify the question?” Brooks put the notebook aside on the table. “The bartender from the diner near the bus station mentioned that in a conversation with him Mabel said that she came in search for someone. Didn’t she tell you the same thing? Maybe mentioned who it was?”

"Ah, poor thing! Did she have to eat breakfast there?” Mrs. Smith shook her head in frustration. "If she came at once, I would feed her with a decent breakfast. What kind of muck could she be offered there?”

"They used to have good burgers," Henry shook the ashes, "at least five years ago, when I last had them ..."

“Nonsense! Burger for breakfast?”

“Ahem. Mrs. Smith …”

"Yes, sorry" Anna turned her attention to Brooks. "No, she didn’t say anything like that to us. She was married, that's all I know about her life. But her husband didn’t interest her very much, as far as I can tell. I did not see a ring as a lock, so he’s probably still alive. Maybe he was quite a scoundrel”

"And what’s her husband's name?"

Anna just shook her head.

"Forgive me, detective, but I never heard it from her."

From above came the sound of the door being opened, followed by hasty steps down the stairs. Found something a thought rushed through Robert's head. A moment later, Tam appeared in the room. His face was ... disappointed?

"Mrs. Smith, you wrote in a application that Mabel had a laptop and a notebook."

"That's right, young man, she left them in her room."

Brooks stared at his partner's face, puzzled. Tam only shook his head briefly.

"Is something wrong, gentlemen?"

"Have you left your house in the last couple of days?"

"Just to do shopping yesterday afternoon ... what happened?"

Brooks rose abruptly, and they both hastily rushed to the stairs to the second floor. Mabel's room was nothing particularly noteworthy - a bed, a desk, a window and four walls. Things were lying neatly, the bed was made. It seemed that the guest had left a minute ago.

“Checked the window sill?”

“Yes, it’s dusty as if no one touched it for several years”

“A lock on the door?”

“Just a latch, any fool would open without a trace ..”.

Brooks slowly walked to the table, on which was a layer of dust accumulated over the past few days. All the items seemed to be in their places, but two square spots were barely noticeable near the edge, in which dust seemed to sink.The distance between the spots was about 9 inches, as between the pads of a small laptop.

"I think we're done here" Robert muttered.

***

"So someone broke into the house at night, or when the hosts were not there," Robert and Tam were driving away from the Smiths' house toward the police department, "I think we both understand that it was our client."

“Here you go, drawing conclusions again!” Brooks briefly honked the driver who was still standing on the green traffic light signal.

"Maybe it's our client, or maybe just a burglar."

“Burglar who took only a laptop?”

"Did you have time to inspect the rest of the house? Found anything valuable?”

“No, but …”

“Exactly. Maybe he was in a hurry”

“Come on, you're just looking for an excuse not to solve for 2 and 2”

“I'm looking for an excuse to conduct an investigation of a case imposed on me correctly”

"Come on, Bobby, this is an adventure! Now we write a request to New York, find her family ... hey, need to have a leak?”

Robert pulled over and stopped abruptly. After that, he turned his head staring at his partner intensely.

“What?”

Brooks slowly moved his head toward the back seat.

"What’s that?" Bennett looked back “I can’t see anyth…”

Coming to a realization he slowly turned and gave his partner an incredulous look.

"Are you kidding me?"

Robert shook his head sarcastically.

"You're not serious."

"Very serious, Tam." Brooks looked at his watch briefly. "Hurry up, we're running late."

Rolling his eyes Bennett leaned back in his seat looking up above while groping for the handle. Twenty seconds later, when he got into the back seat and slammed the door behind him, Robert said with satisfaction:

"You have to bear responsibility for your words and deeds, dear Tam. Welcome to the world of adults”

He heard a loud raspberry being blown from behind and noticed in the rearview mirror that Bennett was now staring out of the window with his arms folded.

“Who I'm talking to though…”  Robert tiredly complained without addressing anyone “Seriously, my eight-year-old son behaves more adequately”

He accelerated and detectives continued their way to the department building.

[maevelin]

I have no objections with people liking Nesta but I don't understand why people would ever want Cassian to get with a woman like Nesta. He deserves someone better than anyone that is set on demeaning him. He is lighthearted and a good person. He deserves better.

Sigh…you got me in quite a mood dear anon so deep breath and rant ahead.

You have been warned.

So...I never understood the concept of love being a reward for someone’s ‘good’ form, character or behavior. And I am not even going to get into the whole glamorization of love as an emotion and the concept that is something solely good and pure and only ‘good’ people and certain ‘characters’ and ‘snowflakes’ experience it or should experience it.

I will stand on something different though.

People are not objects and trophies and prizes that one should get for being good and for deserving ‘better’ (and BTW, I will get to that too in a while).

Relationships are not about deserving and about perfection and about what works on paper. Relationships can come in many forms and bonds and it is about people that find something in someone else and then they work through their shit (and in this case both Nesta and Cassian have a lot shit to work through) because they care enough to make their relationship work. Because you get to fall in love for many reasons and you get to love the flaws and the imperfections. You get to like a person because you are attracted to them for whatever reason logical or illogical. Because they intrigue you. Because of lust or intense emotion. Because they take you by surprise. Because romance usually is about personal conflict and growth and collision. Because in fiction this brings drama and it is interesting for many people especially when it includes complicated characters with many layers and depth that help each other’s characterization progress and development in many ways.

But hey. I get not liking a character or a ship. It is your prerogative. You might not like the chemistry of two characters. You might not get it. You might be allergic to it. You might not care for it. You might not understand it. You might hate it. You might not be able to tolerate the story or a character or a concept. It is your right. I am not here to dictate to you what to like and what not to like. Something is not your cup or tea and your personal taste is different from that of another person. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

But here you are in my ask box. I get not liking a ship but why would you come to the blog of someone that likes it with such comments? What do you gain? Stick to your lane and ship and let others ship.

Also…seriously…I am in awe.

You are here to tell me that the half a millennia winged Illyrian Fae warrior who is basically a LORD OF FREAKING WAR that is leaving mountains of corpses in the battlefields and has been shedding blood for centuries is not deserving of a 20-22 year old woman with limited experience that she is just start beginning to understand what life is after leading a very restricted and limited one. This is what you are telling me right? That the man that brings horror and is capable and able to bring nations to their knees and is known by the freaking Bone Carver as the Lord of Bloodshed is not deserving of a …young girl while he is the winning prize in the lottery for Nesta. Am I getting this right?

The superficial way people view certain characters astonishes me.

Cassian is not a ray of sunshine and not an innocent lighthearted and most of all balanced person. Cassian is one of my most favorite characters in the acotar series (Top Five easily). But he, as many characters of the book, is a grey character that can often be amoral. You don’t get to become THE General of the Night Court and the commander of the Illyrian forces and part of the Inner Circle by being solely moral and good and …nice.

Cassian is dangerous. Like Alpha Male dangerous. He is an experienced man. An experienced OLD man. The fact that he looks hot and young and is energetic with a six pack does not change his age or his position in life or who he is. And if you put that in contrast with a young girl with Nesta’s history that has not even traveled the world yet -while this was her dream- then who ‘deserves’ who can become a very long argument.

Cassian is indeed a good man but he is carrying a load of crap and baggage on his shoulders. He is over half a millennia old. He is a FREAKING GENERAL from crying out loud. The fact that he cracks jokes and is supportive of his family and friends does not take away all the blood he had shed or the scars that has left on him (and he will bring those scars to whatever relationship he enters). It does not take away that the bone carver called him the Lord of Bloodshed. Cassian is a killer. A professional one at that. No matter how noble he is (and he is) that does not change that it takes a certain kind of bloodthirsty savageness and mindset to rise to where he is now. Cassian views fighting and cutting through people as if it is an art. He walks hand in hand with death. He commands the Illyrian forces of the Night Court.

For centuries he is mixed to a dysfunctional emotional triangle with both of his best friends in a way that hurts one of his two brothers -because this is what Azriel is for him- and he is in a complicated mess with Morrigan. He has codependency issues with Morrigan, Rhysand and Azriel. He has shown to have suicidal tendencies (add homicidal to that too). He is not all sunshine and charm and jokes. He goes to the battlefield to kill and to count the dead and inform their families. It takes a certain kind of heart and soul and violence to wage war. To kill people. To do that for half a millennia. He is feared and terrifies his enemies. He has self esteem issues and even depression signs (as surprise surprise so does Nesta). He is haunted by ghosts of the past. He is afraid of commitment. He is menacing. He has sent monsters into the prison of the Night Court. He is ready to cut through his enemies like butter or condemn them to an eternity of imprisonment.

He has lived lifetimes. He has experience both on the light side of life and the dark side of life.

Say what you like about Nesta and her behavior but in the end she is just a..girl. She is not experienced with life or men for that matter. She has been sexually assaulted and sheltered. She wanted to travel but did not got a chance. She is very young and thrown in a life and nature she had not wanted. How old is she really? 20-22? And for you a 22 year old -tops- girl with limited life experience does not deserve a 500+ years old man because that man is somehow an optimist and an extrovert and so good? You are seriously going with that right now?

Because Cassian needs to be coddled and a bitch like Nesta is not a good fit for …him? Because a man needs …deserves…as sweet woman as a reward right? Because a woman has to apologize for everything in her character and become less so to fit the needs of a man because of what he deserves and if not then...she does not deserve him. (My mind’s wires are short cutting right now I kid you not).

If anything it would be more healthy for Nesta to not get involved with a man like Cassian until she has some decades at least on her back and a lot more experience.

Many people say that Nesta is mean with Cassian. And she has bitter outbursts with him that is for sure true up to an extent but no one ever pointed out how Cassian when he first met Nesta had already formed an opinion over her as if he had the right to do so only because his new friend (which he barely really knew) told him (mostly alluded) some things that did not involve him in any way. From the very start Cassian had judged Nesta and played judge and jury with her and had condemned her without even exchanging a word with her. Not even Rhysand that was Feyre’s mate did that.

Nesta was right to tell him that “You know nothing about who I am, and what I’ve done and what I want.“

Why wouldn’t Nesta be hostile with him? The guy has boundaries issues. And was quick to judge her. He is a centuries years old persistent (borderline obsessed) Fae male that …can’t stay away. Romance aside let us not start glamorizing certain people and acting as if Cassian is perfect. He is not. He has flaws. There are no saints and sinners in this equation. Nesta has not treated Cassian right all the time but Cassian has not always treated Nesta right either. And if we take their character traits into account this was bound to happen.

Yes Nesta is an asshole. But guess what? Cassian is an asshole too. He taunts, he mocks, he insults, he provokes, he uses his sexual experience as a weapon of choice, he intimidates, his uses his body as a way to make others step back, he throws tantrums, he hides behind jokes, he is reckless, he is hard. In the first sign of true intimacy he backs down and alienates people. He has been all those things with Nesta. He originally was surprised and even took offense because Nesta ignored his good looks for crying out loud. Cassian even in Wings and Embers tried to intimidate her while he barely knew her. A human 22 year old girl that could crash with his little finger while he could tell that she had no experience in physical combat or men. He used his nature, his body, his words to make Nesta less of who she was. To make her feel uncomfortable. His game was less than honorable back then. And when that did not work his infatuation started to run deeper and they both entered a game of push and pull and love-anger/hate and bickering and…understanding.

That does not make him a bad person. He is a good man. A messed up mortally grey good man with honor. In the same way Nesta is also a good woman.  A messed up angry woman with a moral code that for getting to see you need to watch past the surface. A woman that got inspired by Feyre’s and Cassian’s honor and made Cassian proud. A proud woman that has made mistakes but is learning from them and tries to better herself with actions. Something that Cassian sees and respects and maybe even has also done in his long life because everyone starts from somewhere and faces difficulties and trauma in different ways and learns and grows and moves on.

Nesta grew up with the same superstitions Feyre grew up when it came to Fae people. Do you remember how Feyre herself acted with the Fae at the very beginning before she grew to know them? And yet Nesta allowed Fae men to get into her home. Nesta’s interest when it came to Cassian himself surpassed her prejudices before she was even thrown to the Cauldron and turned to High Fae herself.

Nesta was traumatized after been thrown in the Cauldron. And so was Cassian when he had his wings shredded… but he could not stay away from Nesta despite the boundaries she was trying to put between them. It was his choice to go over to her over and over again despite being rejected. No one from the fandom ever speaks of the trauma Nesta had been subjected too and how Cassian’s needs should not surpass her needs over this. But sure.. Nesta is mean so Cassian’s needs must go first. But just maybe this is not about romance or about what a man deserves. This is not about Cassian getting to feel better. And yet somehow this is what it all ends up too.

Introvert vs Extrovert. Young age vs Old age. Man vs Woman. A man that has lived his life to the fullest vs a woman that has not yet lived. Who deserves who.

Does Cassian deserve Nesta? Does Nesta deserve Cassian?

In my opinion who deserves who is a bullshit argument to make for this sort of subject. I can give you a dissertation of why Cassian does not deserve Nesta too. Or why he does deserve her. And vice versa for the other way around.

Truth is that in my opinion they complete each other. It is not just opposites attract. Cassian found an equal in Nesta despite their differences (that are many). Mentally and intellectually they are equal and similar even.

Blade and fire made flesh. Death made flesh. They fit each other.

Cassian is a killing machine and Nesta now holds death in her fingertips. While Cassian always walked in death. But more so aside those parallels that mirror each other they also click as characters.

Cassian shares the same values with Nesta. The same need to protect others. Nesta kept saying how she wanted to help families and children. Cassian has the same view point with her. It is in his very core the need to protect others and this was in the end what Nesta was ready to sacrifice herself for.

Nesta that is so cold on the outside because she feels everything more intense than any other in the inside. Cassian that is so easy going on the outside because he is broken in the inside. Nesta that uses cruel words as a shield. Cassian that uses jokes as an armor. Nesta that hides her emotions and vulnerabilities. Cassian that does the same in different ways. Nesta that is afraid to let others in. Cassian that observes everything both in the battlefield and outside of it. Nesta that scares people. Cassian that is not and could never be afraid of her. Cassian that intimidates people. Nesta that refuses to be intimidated by him. Nesta that throws insults. Cassian that throws tantrums. Cassian that turns his pain to playfulness and his weakness to anger and battle. Nesta that does not allow anyone to see her as weak and turns her rage to ice and her pain to faux indifference and hostility. Cassian that gets his power from his warrior nature and training. Nesta that wants to be empowered and get agency in different ways. Cassian that leans to order and anarchy. Nesta that leans to order and freedom. Nesta that is now the emissary of the Night court. The bridge of the human world with the Fae world trying to balance an understanding between two worlds. Cassian that is always trying to create an understanding between the Illyrians and the rest of High Fae and the man that becomes a bridge when he has a death count in paper and has to inform all the families of the lost. Nesta that her power is now connected with death. Cassian that has been walking in death. Nesta that is too serious. Cassian that is too aloof. Nesta that is too proud and disdainful and willful. Cassian that is arrogant and cocky and prideful. Nesta that is all about manners and propriety. Cassian that is insolent and all about wrecking buildings. Cassian that is serious when needs to be and Nesta that needs to relax and laugh more. Nesta that prefers a book and solitude and Cassian that in silent moments shows a more grounded version of himself. Cassian that people overlook his intelligence. Nesta that people overlook her humanity. Cassian born in a world that does not value bastards. Nesta born in a world that does not value women. Nesta that does not let others in. Cassian that is not making any serious commitments and relationships. Nesta that is so afraid of what she feels for Cassian that prefers to keep him in arm’s lengths using insults and distance and Cassian that is so terrified of what he feels for Nesta that gets completely out of sync when she shows him tenderness and interest. Cassian, the Prince of Bastards, that wanted to find his place in the world and be a man with value despite his heritage and Nesta, the terrible Queen, that after loss and building emotional walls wanted to go out to the world and see what a woman could so and leave her mark in the world. Nesta and Cassian that both dream of a better more equal world for bastards, children and women. The same coin from different sides.

And really this is not about a competition. You do not fall in love with someone that is perfect for you in theory. You get to fall in love with ...people. With imperfect people. You get to love them exactly due to those imperfections that make then unique. I cannot stress enough that this is not a matter of what someone ‘deserves’. It is about what someone feels. It is about what makes a heart tick. It could be the most weird combination. It could be insane. And volatile. And easy going or difficult until it aches. In the end it is all about understanding and Nesta and Cassian can understand each in a deep level that is mostly instinctual at this point. It is lust and attraction and sexual tension (like …seriously!) and struggle (because nothing that is worth it comes easy in life) and it is understanding and feeling and silent communication and attraction in all levels.

And guess what… Cassian deserves this. He deserves a person that won’t use him as a sexual object so to get out of predicament and then use him as a shield against his best friend and create conflict in him and in the relationships that define him. Cassian deserves a person that won’t be afraid to stand up against him and with him. That won’t be charmed by his superficial sexiness and distractions. That will be an equal to him. That will shout to him miles away to get him out of danger and he will hear that voice calling him to safety. Cassian deserves a touch. Deserves to fall in love. To have a person that can see when he is hurt. Cassian deserves to get a chance with the woman he is choosing to fight with him and die with him and the woman that he is ready to search to the other life just so to have a chance with her and not regret not spending time with her. The woman that when he in bleeding and unconscious he will try to defend till his last breath. The woman that has a name that he keeps hearing in the wind. Cassian deserves a person that can see beyond his facade. Nesta that understands how dangerous and how noble Cassian is because he sees what others don’t. Because he sees beyond the surface. Because he sees who truly Nesta is. And who Nesta is is someone that Cassian not only wants but would be damn lucky to have. A woman that will stand up next to him and won’t allow anyone to offend him and she won’t judge him for his past. A woman that will surprise him. A woman that will shield him with her body against death itself. A woman that will try to carry him away from danger. And if she can’t help him she will stay with him till the end. She won’t run. She won’t lie. She won’t be dishonest. She won’t see him as a charity case. She will stay for the good and the bad and for hell itself. Cassian has been a bastard that had found family to the inner circle of the Night Court and friends and family but something has always been missing. A sense of true belonging. To have someone stay with him as the world burns and protect him as he protects others. To have someone truly understand him and use honest actions instead of words. Yes Nesta and Cassian are in a clash of wills but also in a clash of hearts.

But sure thing. Cassian surely does not deserve this and I do not get why people like Nesta and Cassian as a ship either.

[little-tiny-things]

Rants of an insomniac

Let's start of by clarifying some stuff. I love my family, I love my friends, I love the things I do... It's just that sometimes I wished those things would love each other. My family is nice, caring, and we just love each other. But sometimes, it seems I was born in the wrong family. I am the 'spitting image of your aunt', and the exact mix of my parents personalities. Mam is an extrovert with the need of socializing. She was Prom Queen, head of the school's student government, surrounded by people. Creative, loud, funny, caring, and an amazing woman. Papa is an introvert with a huge love for his life. He created his own company right after college, at the same time he was creating a family. He's funny, has a load of Dad's jokes, selfless, creative, caring, playful, and literally the same thing I want to see in my husband someday. And then, there's me. I'm the eldest of four. I have a sister and two younger brothers; all of them love sports. Two of them are extraordinary at socializing while the other one has ADHD, which has made him ran around the neighborhood meeting people. Me? I don't like sports, it's not that I'm lazy... I just don't like playing them. Like you don't like eating that specific food, or you hate that specific character. I simply don't like it. My sister? My sister is a cheerleader with top grades and many friends. Beautiful, draws, dances, sings, acts, writes... Both my brothers aren't even in High School and already follow her steps. I don't have trouble socializing, but I don't need it. I rather stay with the friends I already have... Mam doesn't seem to understand that. I rather hang out with who I know, no matter how much I complain about them because at the end of the day, they're amazing. Papa doesn't understand that. Mam needs socializing to 'recharge her batteries' after a long tourist-vacation or something stressful. Papa needs quiet and peace, disconnect from everything. So they do things like this. They take us to a place and say 'no internet or screens'. My siblings are fine. They recharge the same to later hit the world with a smile. Me? It's literally torture. I'm not obsessed with internet; I barely am in it anymore. My friends don't talk to me unless I talk to them first. For some reason, Snapchat makes me really uncomfortable. I need a 'screen', an electronic device, to just write. I will spend hours writing "blah blah blah" over and over again without getting bored, because that's how I think. I love to write, it's literally the only thing that helps me through life. I have a story, and every time I have a problem, I give my character that problem and then see how she fixes it. But my parents don't get it. They don't get that it hurts every fucking time they joke about "how much I defend the 🏳️‍🌈 community, or the feminism". What if I was gay? I know I'm not, I'm as straight as a straight person is. So they don't get why it matters so much to me. They don't get that I have friends who are looked as inferior because of it, or that I have friends who have literally been thrown away by their families like they were trash. I know how it feels being stomped over, I've been there, and I don't want anyone else to feel that. They don't get how much it hurts when they joke about my writing. "She'll never finish a book, you'd be dead by the time she publishes the first one" they are joking, I know, but it still hurts. I'm insecure. I write all day, but I haven't finished a single story since 2013... and I didn't even publish it in Wattpad... I'm insecure. Insecurity isn't known in my family, they all just go ahead. But I don't want to publish something that could be better. And I ask for feedback and the response is always "it's too long and in english", my first language is Spanish. But then? Oh, then they're asking, when are we going to read something of yours. It's just... it's hard. It became too much apparently. Now not only I stress about college (because I'm in the age of worrying about that), but I'm loosing the only way I had to calm myself. My characters are becoming cardboard, my descriptions unclear, there is too many plot holes. I started writing at the end of 2013, after my history teacher had us do a short story related with France. "If you keep like this, you could be the next JK Rowling" has anyone said something like that to you? You could be your idol. And now? My stories fall apart. I had to teach myself ways to write, ways to talk, ways to react. And I can't ask for help; I mean, I'm the "Mom of the group". I'm the older sister, the one who helps when needed, gives advice when needed, answer the phone when needed, does everything the parents ask... I have one friend. Only one friend who has ever called me just to talk, everyone else is "I need advice". Just one friend, who calls to say "Hey". And they expect my life to be pulled together. Mam worries when I'm thinking too much about college. Papa laughs it off. My sister tells me to stop thinking too much. My brothers don't care about that. I had to teach myself how to stop people from committing suicide. How to get myself over depression. How to react to panic attacks. How to help a friend out of depression. How to help a friend out of anxiety. How to keep myself quiet whenever I disagree, because I'm just overreacting. How to help drunk friends. How to comfort someone who's heartbroken. How to teach my friends what to say to their crushes. I had to teach myself how everyone's life is above mine. And I hate it... But it's too late to go back now... And I know that. And I'm okay with that, I was born with the purpose of helping people. Then why? Why can't they see what I do for them? I'm not asking for a thank you, I'm not asking for recognition. I'm asking for them to realize that I, too, have things going on. Mam. Papa. My sister. My brothers. My friends. I just wished they actually realized, that among that asking and joking, I'm loosing myself too fast. I just wished that people would try and understand how I function, the same thing I did for every single one of them.

[todokori-kun]

(Ok, so I wrote out this super-long message but wifi died when I was submitting it. Tumblr told me I’d lost connection so I’m pretty sure it didn’t reach you.

If it somehow did, though…sorry for sending in another one OTL And sorry this keeps happening, my computer is being really weird ^^;;)

Tysm ;-; I’m glad I’m not annoying you or anything :D Queen Luna is honestly one of my favorite people to talk to as well, though. Thanks for being so amazing and supportive <3

Yep. Ishida’s Back.

I’m honestly not too sure how I feel about this pregnancy though. On one hand, since I never really cared too much about Touka I don’t think I’m going to have a hard time caring for this kid, even if they ARE also Kaneki’s child. I also think this wasn’t really necessary and I don’t want drama between Touken and other ghouls over the child- I want the plot to move forward and to get some questions answered…

However, it is really interesting how this parallels with other parents throughout TG’s story. Touken right now reflects the Yoshimura-Ukina-Eto dynamic, and I’m pretty sure the Touken child is meant to connect to Eto.

See, what I’m thinking about is that TG’s parents have a history of abandoning their children in favor of their ideals, even if they don’t always mean to do so. We have Mado, who was blinded by his black-and-white worldview and ended up dead, Arata, who sacrificed so much for his children that in the end he couldn’t even stay with them, Yoshimura, who left his daughter behind to create Anteiku (no matter if he meant well, it still affected Eto in a negative way and Yoshimura’s actions could be seen as partially selfish; he never considered how Eto would feel about this situation, after all), Kaneki’s mother, who was unable to choose between her child and her sister, and Kaneki himself could also count, having completely abandoned the Qs the moment Arima and Eto gave him the title of ‘One-eyed King’.

The only non-background-character who was actually a good parent is Shachi, I think.

So the question is: will Touken (Kaneki really, Touka seems to have made up her mind completely about this) be able to break this cycle? Will Kaneki choose his child like he wanted his mother to choose him over his aunt? Or will this child become motivation for him? (he’s never been the best candidate for the OEK after all, and he basically admitted to Amon and Seidou that he’s seriously depressed and just doesn’t care)

I’m also curious: pregnancies take a few months, y'know. I sincerely hope there won’t be a time skip. Or a miscarriage, because not only would that be too much for Kaneki and Touka, it would also be bad for the plot (why make Touka pregnant in the first place then?). Maybe the baby will be born in an epilogue or the last chapter. Maybe Kaneki and Touka will die, this kid will become the new OEK and Ishida will make a third TG series. Idk.

Wow, I didn’t intend to make such a long rant ^^;;

I think Thor’s new hairstyle looks cool (sorry Queen Luna) but yeah, it does also look a bit weird on him. Like, now I can’t look at him and think 'oh that’s the god of thunder’, I just think of Chris Hemsworth lol

That typo tho 'Nat and Clit’

Even after all that’s happened in canon, I still feel like Blackhawk have a deep bond and understand each other in a way the rest of the team can’t.

I feel like the fact that Sharon is Peggy’s niece alone makes it a 'NO’ ship XD the lack of development for both the relationship and Sharon as a character just added to that.

As for Loki…ah, well. If he wasn't such a jerk he wouldn’t be Loki.

Oh that sounds really cool :D And well, like I said above. It’s Loki. What can you do.

Haha, thanks ^^ I was obsessed with Bucky’s costume for a while after Winter Soldier. I literally had never heard of Captain America up until then so I didn’t even care about him (sorry Steve…do you still ship me with him? lol). I might actually have had a crush on Bucky at the time. Idk. I was nine(?).

I will drag you into Remember This Cold hell no matter what. It is my MISSION. I WILL make you have feels about Loki’s kitty (Steve got him a cat because he thought he might be lonely). I WILL make you sob over Loki’s redemption arc and his reaction when anyone dares to lay a finger on Steve (SPOILER: when he thinks Steve is dead he teams up with Bucky and absolutely destroys Hydra. When he and Steve are captured and tortured for information he threatens to cut open his own veins and summon a beast with the blood to destroy them all…he’s completely serious about that. One of the major things Steve has to help him with is how he gets desperate and suicidal whenever he thinks he might lose Steve).

Oh, so you won’t talk about Kanae, huh?

With my short existence, I can make a difference- I can be there for him, I can be his knight

Imagine this is Matsumae teaching Kanae about kagune usage and what it means to be a servant of the Tsukiyama family. For bonus angst, imagine that the slip-ups ('do it for her- that is to say, you do it for him’) are Matsumae talking about the late Mrs. Tsukiyama (HC that Matsumae was around when Shuu’s mom was alive, though I guess that’s unlikely considering her age…shush. Just ignore it for the angst.)

Kanae singing the 'I love you’ part from If I Could Tell Her as they fall off the building

Kanae singing 'But what you do when there’s this great divide? And what do you do when the distance is too wide?’ when Shuu is ill

 'I wondered how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn’t there’ and 'There’s nothing like your smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real. You never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel’ as they remember their memories with Shuu as a child.

'I love him, but every day I’m learning- all my life, I’ve only been pretending’ from On my Own when Eto is torturing Kanae

And then most of 'It’s Over, Isn’t It’ is from Kanae to Sasaki/Kaneki, of course, but then imagine that the chorus ('And she chose you, and she loved you, and she’s gone- it’s over, isn’t it? Why can’t I move on?’) is like a duet between Kanae and Shuu. Kanae’s pining over Shuu, of course, but Shuu’s POV is after Kanae’s death (referring to himself as 'you’).

Hope you liked this :)

But wait, if you knew all of Urie’s songs, that means you know Still Sane…does this mean you’re a Lorde fan? Because I thought Still Sane was one of her lesser-known songs. I’m obsessed with Lorde’s music, so…

And I’m also a fan of Fall out Boy and Marina and the Diamonds. It'd be cool if you listen to them as well :D

Seriously?! Because blue is my favorite color…wow!

I haven’t watched FMA but I know quite a bit about it (the Roy rain jokes are the best lol)…we actually talked on your FMA blog once ^^ And I’m excited to hear about any of Queen Luna’s OCs! I’m sure they’re all amazing :D (hahaha, I can relate about embarrassing old OCs. I can’t think of any right now but I know I have some). I’ll send you a little info about my OCs in a seperate submission, since this one seems to be getting a little long (though I can’t be sure) ^^;;

Oh, all four of those are lovely! I feel like the girl with the yellow hat (top row, left) has the most icon-ish look, if that makes sense? She also reminds of Queen Luna a little bit, idk why XD but that’s just my opinion, all four of those characters would make beautiful icons <3

Yep, your internet did die ^^;; This is the only thing I got from you... So no worries about spamming me ^^

Aww *hugs* I love talking to you a lot, a lot! So if you ever need anything, I’m here ^^ (I’d add gifs, but internet is slow).

The pregnancy is as out of place as that chapter (once again avoiding pervy words hahah). But... if Kaneki’s a ghoul (halfway) and Touka is a full ghoul, why does the baby need human food? I’m gonna assume Kaneki is the dad because I don’t want to think about the other options. 

I, too, think that the ghoul eating human food/human eating ghoul food for the baby to survive is a parallel for Eto, but we all know how that ended, so idk how i feel about it. Maybe the baby will be a cute and healthy kid who’ll live a nice childhood? Hopefully? Pls let me hope. 

Maybe Eto’ll adopt the baby since she knows the feeling of being abandoned and will give it a nice, happy childhood? HOPEFULLY???

Honestly, I don’t remember who Shachi is, so...

*gasp* you wound me... How could you like that hideousness that is the hair (or lack of it). Jk, you’re free to like what you want ^^ I mean, it’s not that bad I guess... I just liked the old version a bit more.  A lot more.

So much for avoiding risqué words.

I think their bond is mostly platonic? I mean, if Clint wasn’t married and didn’t have tons of babies, I’d assume there was more, but this way, I’d like to think it’s more of a brother-sister relationship. Why am I getting Love, Rosie flashbacks ;-;

Don’t tell me Sharon’s another Jane, this time with even less character -.-

I guess I’ll just avoid Civil War as long as possible :))

AS FOR KANAE

That’s my feeling about everything.

Well, my music taste isn’t quite definable by ‘likes this artist’ or anything, because it’s mostly a ‘I’m browsing youtube and I like this song, so i’ll download it’ one. So Still Sane just happens to be there. As for Fallout Boy and Marina, I do have quite a lot of their songs there ^^ But, generally speaking, most of my songs that aren’t idol songs ?uncomfortable cough* tend to go in the rock direction. Sometimes remixes and sometimes songs no one ever heard about, like Texas by Magic Man or Change My Life from Ashes Remain. Also, Holy by Zolita, although I mostly like that song because it’s so different from most songs nowadays. It’s a bit weird, though.

I really, really want to see all your OCs, especially the TG one that suffers a lot :))

Oh god, here’s my most embarrassing one, the FMA one:

Kk, her name’s Arya, she’s an alchemist (of course) and depending on how I felt at the moment, she was either shipped with Roy or Ed. Most of the time, it was Roy, so the info I wrote down was based on that. Is the cliche ‘sarcastic, but actually a huge softie’ character with right about 0 character flaws, other than being stubborn (’But it also helps when she’s suspicious about the homonculi!’). Now, this isn’t so bad. But here’s the best part. She has a stepdad (bc no oc can have a normal, fully functioning family) that tried to ‘merge her with a wolf, giving her enhanced senses and strength and making her hair white + eyes purple’. I still cringe when I think about her. Literal nightmares.

Then we have a soul eater one, where the girl is both a meister and a weapon (which is, by the way, impossible by the laws of that universe, since the souls of the two types differ greatly) AND a witch to top it off.

Thankfully, I never went too far with the looks, the white hair + purple eyes was as far as I went, but I knew to change it to normal (or try to make an excuse *coughwolfcough* if the universe was one where the colours were mostly normal. And I never gave them DDD+ boobies. 

As for the newer ones, I don’t have many, but from the fandoms we share, I have 1 for YoI and 1 for MCU (this one was created yesterday :P )

The YoI one’s name is Nara and she’s a skater from Detroit, therefore Yuuri and Phichit’s rinkmate. Honestly, she’s not that talented at skating, but she does try to make up for it by practicing a lot.  However, she doesn’t magically get better and lands 1st place, she’s content doing her best and just participating in the competitions, since she has a secondary job.

The MCU one’s a bit more mary sueish, but that’s what makes it fun. Kya, her power is ‘manipulating’ animals (well, not manipulating, it’s more along the lines of ‘animals like her and listen to her) and in extreme cases (when she gets very emotional), human manipulation (technically, humans are animals). When she was small, she was experimented on, granting her the powers. However, the faculty was attacked, allowing her to escape. She tried to live a normal life and was actually succeeding, but then Loki attacked New York and lo and behold, she actually managed to do some hero work, so the avengers were like ‘we’re not recruiting you, but you could be useful in the future so we’ll keep an eye on you’. That’s as far as I got, but I do plan on expanding a bit.  Also, probably predictable, but Loki is her love interest ^^;;;;;;

Alrighty, seems like that’ll be my icon ^^ I’ll probably change the general colour scheme of the blog, so don’t be surprised if everything’s different the next time you visit :P  The name definitely stays the same, though.

As for the ‘she reminds you of me’, you couldn’t be more right ^^;;; In the whole Love Live series, she’s the most similar to me looks wise, but also personality wise. A quiet bookworm who’s fine staying in the library whole day hahah I always cry during her character arc, because I relate waaay too much ;-;

Also, completely random, but I’m listening to ‘Merry Go Round of Life’ from Howl’s Moving Castle as I write this and it would actually make a pretty nice waltz song...