#I could go on about Taissa and Simone’s relationship

[sevikasbooyahh]

Genuine question: Why do people ignore Taissa’s character?

I do have friends to talk to about her but when it comes to the general fandom, I don’t see much. I also do not see much about about Taivan, nor Tai & Simone, compared to non-canon ships in the show (which I do not understand AT ALL).

She’s my absolute favorite character and the fact she gets so little coverage kinda bothers me—I hope at least some people feel the same way I do!

[ladyintree]

here's some sloppy word vomit about the first 2 episodes. finally 🫣

love love love taissa being in charge of the shelter building. they found a book among the cabin guy's things about the architecture of the ancient world + followed that to guide them. i like to think this is something tai found long before they were without shelter, not as something she thought she'd definitely have to use, but it was fascinating to her. and if she did have to use it, she wanted to be prepared + ready to take charge. personally really like this loose tie in to her law career and her practicing land use ✨ and i don't care if that's a stretch <3

"handy lesbians for the win 🫡" is just such a good line, not only because it's funny (and true), but also because it is not a small thing that taissa is using the word lesbian. in 1997. she's probably never really said that word out loud before, even if she's known that's what she was, because she's really had no reason to - obviously she couldn't say it back at home and she wasn't out to anyone she wasn't hooking up with. we see in season 1 she has no real intention of making that some public knowledge; van says they're going to find out eventually and tai says not if she finds a way out of there, implying their relationship was always going to stay hidden (because that's just the way it had to be).

but in the wilderness, she has the freedom to just be herself. coming out at doomcoming was largely to comfort van and make her feel safe + loved + free, but it was also about taissa's own acceptance. she's known since she was young that she only liked girls, it's not about accepting herself as a lesbian - but about accepting that she can actually just be. it had been months of living in isolation with no structure and no civilized society telling them how they're supposed to be, and tai could finally find peace in that and adapt to it. it's the first time she really understands that being stuck in the wilderness has something to take to her advantage. she's not just a lesbian but also a woman of color from a small town that's potentially mostly white; how she is perceived always weighs on her and is why so many of her actions are coming from that place. she gets to use the word lesbian out here, she gets to be a lesbian freely, she gets to be around people who see her for that and accept her for that. which makes it all the more tragic that she is well aware she doesn't get to have that once she's back home (more on that later).

for a lot of nat's funeral, her head is down / she's not looking. she's the first to get up once it's over. she brings up what nat's family life was like - she knew about what happened with her dad, she knows her mother is a piece of shit, she knows nat. and it could be common knowledge from a small town or it could've been because tai was doing what she could to take care of her after they were rescued, but i think it's really fascinating to know that tai was already aware that nat had no one to rely on. there's a nat mugshot from '03 and i want to say that it's likely the first time that tai ever bailed her out of jail and sent her to rehab. nat is literally her family. a family that she looked out for and still kept at a distance, but her family nonetheless.

"the first state senator to impeach herself before taking office." - i love the comparison from season 1 tai doing everything she could to win that senate seat to season 2 tai making light / jokes about how she's already lost it before she ever stepped foot in office. i'm thinking about how tawny said at the beginning of this season, tai feels light and is happy and everything seems fine. and i think tai genuinely believes that, too. van's back in her life and there's hope in that so tai can convince herself she's okay with losing the picture-perfect life she wanted so badly. her wife clearly left her (love you simone), she lost her senate seat, but... van is here so maybe things are okay. they're not, though, because why would they be, so i think there's a lot to come from her reflection on losing her family + senate etc in later episodes once she, once again, hits a breaking point and it all falls apart again, just like what happened in season 1.

i love that they've made their own little council in the wilderness and i love to see tai on it. and this conversation she has with nat after their meeting is one of my favorites. tai has always thought of herself as a leader and always believed she should be; martinez tells us in the first episode that tai's a better player than jackie and i think tai always assumed she was supposed to be captain, leading to a lot of resentment she has for jackie (the perfect, popular, white girl that everyone loves who is handed everything without effort even when she's undeserving) - and even if that's not exactly true, it's what tai sees when she feels she's earned it more, which leads to them butting heads early on.

there's a moment in the season 2 finale when lottie talks about a new leader and we see tai's face, her body sitting up straighter, and for a moment, she thinks lottie may be referring to her. she doesn't hold the same resentment for nat that she had for jackie or the same resentment shauna has for nat now, but it's still in her nature to feel like she's meant to lead, especially because her last attempt failed and she is endlessly feeling the need to make up for that.

there's just so much in this conversation. it's not just her questioning nat's leadership, it's her worried about both shauna and mari and anyone else caught in the crossfire. i feel like a lot of the fandom has this misconception that because they're best friends (i don't think they'd call each other that), tai has to blindly defend and support shauna's every action. but that's never been the case. she's always been realistic about who shauna is and what shauna needs, even if it leads to a fight or a disagreement. but regardless, she's trying to look out for shauna here - she doesn't want what happened to jackie to happen again, she doesn't want shauna to have to go through that again.

"it's dumb girl shit, we have actual life or death to deal with here." / "that's my point, nat. maybe out here, it's all life or death. don't forget what happened to jackie." - she's really summarizing what this show is about, she's full aware that 'dumb girl shit' does not have the same rules out here as it does at home. people have literally died for 'dumb girl shit' out here and she's trying to keep that from happening again. and i think part of her still feels like she played a role in that, even if it wasn't intentional; she's the only one who was repeatedly trying to stop jackie from going outside but jackie wasn't hearing it because she had her own idea of what was going on with tai and shauna. and tai might not fully understand what was going through jackie's head, but the last thing she did before going to sleep that night was telling shauna to go talk to jackie and she didn't, and tai didn't push. it's not tai's fault but there's still some guilt to not having done more that she is trying to use to help now.

love getting a small note that simone is okay + is keeping sammy away from taissa. i'm holding onto hope that we actually see her this season and get more context, but for now, i love simone standing her ground. "what are you even telling him, simone?" is funny to me because the truth is literally not good, taissa. simone has every right to want to protect sammy from taissa when she saw what was in the basement (not just biscuit, but a doll that was purposefully resembling sammy), and taissa has told her over and over again that she not only doesn't want her help but is willing to hurt her to stop it. simone doesn't know about other tai because tai never let her know. she told her she's afraid of what might happen while she's sleepwalking, but simone doesn't know the extent of that. in a way, she's actually trusting her, assuming that tai was actually right to be afraid.

and van asking tai if she's alright after she hangs up the phone, and tai saying "no," is something so special because. tai doesn't usually admit that so easily (even if she immediately redirects it back to van anyway).

the scene between tai and van in sammy's bedroom is just so much of the most tai things to ever happen. the whole scene is so good. i love how much more we see van standing up to tai as adults, insisting on staying in sammy's room rather than sleeping with tai. i imagine tai insisted on van staying in her home so that van wasn't dealing with everything she's going through alone (i also imagine van was probably stubborn about that too). and it is just very taissa to assume that because van is here, then they can finally be together. but there's something so special about the way that they kiss each other like they're starving at lottie's compound and then... nothing happens between them for 6 weeks. it feels necessary. that kiss was impulsive, and to them, inevitable, but that doesn't mean that everything's okay between them. and i imagine that when she saw simone again + simone stayed away, tai felt like that meant she and van really could just be together now, that tai didn't have to hold any accountability for how she ended things with van so long ago + how she ruined things with simone. so if there was ever any moment between them before this in the last 6 weeks, it was likely tai trying to initiate something and van holding her ground, and good for van.

"why can't we be together?" / "why... are you fucking kidding me? what did you ditch me for? the veneer of respectability, your high power law degree? the irony, the tragic joke, is that you ended up gay anyway and married to a woman. a woman you're still fucking married to."

i have always believed that tai is the reason for their break up, and getting more context on this, especially in this way with van reminding her why they can't just be together, is perfect. i've always believed that when they were rescued, tai was quick to want to get back to the life she had originally set out to live. van wasn't a part of that plan before - they were just hooking up, something that was fun and likely had an expiration date come graduation. but then they got stuck in the wilderness, the fell in love, and they got to be out and in love and not worry about the perception of others because the rules were different out there. so it's not at all surprising that once she's back home, van just doesn't fit in her life anymore. and it's not just not wanting to be perceived that way - she's also desperate to get away from everything connected to the wilderness, because it's the easiest way for her to convince everyone (mostly herself) that she is fine.

because of course tai chose her future over the girl she loves. and of course she has always felt empty because of it no matter how much she succeeded and reached every single one of her other goals. she stopped caring about happiness (she didn't think it mattered anymore, that she could even have it regardless) and she cared only about moving forward. and that meant leaving van behind.

and it's not just that, going back to what i said about her using the word lesbian. she goes back in the closet but only publicly. she has to, because it's still the '90s, there's still a certain perception that comes with it, she doesn't get that freedom she had in the wilderness anymore. but it's never an act she does internally; she knows she's gay, she's always been sure of that, and she doesn't intend to stop being with women - she just knows a serious relationship isn't realistic for the path she's taking to get back to what her life was supposed to be.

"so instead of asking me why, at the end of my life, i'm not leaping at the opportunity to sleep with you, how 'bout you just go fuck yourself?" / "can i at least take you to dinner?" / "i literally just told you to go fuck yourself. and you're asking me out?"

again this is so taissa. she basically said, "yeah i did do all that but you still want me so let's be realistic." now she still wants to move forward but this time, with van. in some way, at least - until we have more context about what's happening with simone, i don't really know what moving forward with van really looks like for her. i think if van would've rejected her offer to stay with her, she might've tried to work things out with simone and get her family back - not even because it's what she wanted / what felt right, but because it felt like it was what she was supposed to do. but they're not here, and van is, and tai's lost so much of the life she was living to try to fill the void she created herself by leaving van.

i've seen multiple comments about the date scene / tai suggesting they dine + dash insisting that it was other tai in that scene and i really, really hate that that's the assumption people are making, just because tai is doing something they don't understand / have decided isn't tai. it feels like this fandom doesn't want her to ever progress and that they put her in a box and every single time she acts slightly off of what they know, they decide it's other tai (very much in the same way they decide everything 'Bad' that happens in the wilderness + even before with allie just HAS to be because of other tai. but i digress). she's not the same person with the same ambitions as she was in season 1, literally so much has shifted for her and she's trying to find a way to navigate it.

she used a stupidly expensive dinner as a way to hook van and convince her to go out with her. she wanted to impress her + give her something nice but she quickly realizes this is not van. this is not what van wants and it's not what's going to impress her. and there's a moment where she's staring at van, thinking about what she's saying, and she realizes that... that could've been her life, too, that maybe this life or luxury isn't worth it. the beauty of them rekindling is that they still have to learn who the other is again, they have to figure out how their lives still work together, and we're already seeing so much push and pull. this expensive dinner that is very much what tai is used to is not what van is comfortable with, so instead of continuing to force it, taissa backs off and switches course. and she does it pretty cleverly, and in a way that she is getting a rush out of too - feeling alive in a way she hasn't felt in so long, because she hasn't allowed herself to.

she starts by reminiscing on their history - back when things were simple and fun for them and they didn't have all this baggage. she's not only trying to comfort her, but she's also finding comfort in it herself, thinking about her youth before things went terribly wrong. dining + dashing is something that taissa does not need to do, but it's fun and it's a (they assume) thrilling little risk to take that will ease both their nerves in a way that reminds them of who they used to be. and it works.

"you're a senator." / "was. and i'm disgraced."

probably one of my favorite line deliveries of hers - again, she's speaking about it lightheartedly, making jokes like she didn't ruin so much of her life just to get there. but it really doesn't matter in the moment and that is so telling to taissa - she is actually living in the moment. because it's what van needs, and how she felt when she was with van before, and what she's refused to let herself do for so many years.

and she really gets so much joy out of it. we have so rarely seen adult tai smile that genuinely with so much life in it the second she and van are outside and have (they assume) successfully gotten away with it. and her little "it's okay" while she hugs van is so sweet and really reinforces what tawny says about taissa starting this season off happy and in love and full of life. because they're acting like such teenagers - and that was the point. taissa needed to feel that just as badly as she wanted van to feel it too.

but of course that can't last long because they don't get to feel that freedom they lost so long ago. of course it goes horribly wrong, even if they're not immediately aware of it. they get one more day to feel the rush of excitement they got before taissa finds out something happened.

their kiss gets me so bad because they treat it like it's their first kiss in 20+ years. and in some ways it is. they kissed at lottie's compound but they weren't expecting it - it was impulsive, heat of the moment (along with their setting and circumstances) and it just happened, something they weren't allowing themselves to let happen again for a long time. and this time tai waits for van - because she knows it has to be van's move. van is the one has been rejecting her for 6 weeks, and tai knows she doesn't deserve her forgiveness or for her really back in her life this way, but she wants it anyway and she will take it with no hesitation - it just has to come from van. so she lets van come to her, and i think she knew this was inevitable too, but the pride she has for a moment turns into gentle shyness. the way they both played this entire scene was just so incredible because this is both of them really choosing to go here this time - not just doing something out of impulse. and they're finally allowing themselves to actually cherish the moment and it's just so good.

tai sees the man with no eyes and it doesn't scare her this time. i think subconsciously she's starting to understand what his presence in her life means. and i really do feel like this season is the season for some answers with him based on this, other shots in the promo, and this new shot in the intro below-

i have some ideas on what he's actually trying to tell her but i'm not getting into that yet. i think part of her knows that what they've done is wrong, but she's not giving up living in the moment - not for herself and not for them. van asks her what's going on but tai says 'nothing' - them lying to each other is nothing new and i don't see that changing, especially with the rest of what we've seen so far.

okay episode 2 now ✨

i've seen comments that are acting like shauna and tai are "suddenly not best friends" this season and i just think the little bits of their dynamic we've seen so far is understandable. i think there's a very crucial moment in season 2 when we see that taissa has to take a new approach with shauna and that means not constantly trying to comfort her, or simply just be next to her in silent support, like we saw in the majority of season 2 (when she sits down and covers her eyes as shauna beats up lottie - a pivotal moment where she realizes her support is never going to be enough to reel shauna back in). their dynamic has never been as black and white as "best friends" (words i don't think either of them would actually use for each other) and that's true in both parts of the show. taissa doesn't have to blindly defend shauna when she doesn't agree with what shauna's doing - which is happening a lot, especially with the way shauna's behaving now. they didn't even like each other before the crash but it's because of their bond out there in the first few months that their dynamic runs so deep now. they went through something traumatic together that only the other knows about and they're always going to have that; it's the reason she's the first person tai ever told about the parts of herself she's scared of.

the actresses describing their relationship as that "they kind of hate each other" has been clear from their first adult scene in the show. they love each other, they see each other, but they also hate each other in some ways, too, and i think that was true in the wilderness too. tai wants to help shauna but she's also aware that shauna isn't going to accept her help the same way she used to and tai has to adapt to that.

tai insisting that they're going to go looking for mari too and van saying "yeah but not with them" and tai saying "obviously" but then both of them telling travis he can come with them - it really wasn't about doing it alone, they were protecting their peace (not going with misty) and that was real of them. tai is still skeptical of what lottie's capable of within the group seems to already suspect that whatever's happening with travis isn't great, so her jumping to help him later and immediately understanding that what's happening isn't his fault is so..

i love knowing before this that taissa respected nat as a leader and credits their survival to what nat did out there (i know that she could have specifically had something to do with their rescue, but i've always liked the idea that it was just her leadership that kept them hanging on). so everything we see of taissa questioning her leadership now, and most of the time just implying that she would have a better idea, is really fascinating to watch.

"if she's dead, natalie's fucked. god, she boned that so hard. not to mention, she wouldn't let anyone go looking for coach. what kind of message does that send?"

i don't think tai would plant seeds of doubt in nat's leadership to anyone she wasn't completely comfortable with. and i think part of her wants to hear van tell her that she would be the right leader. i also don't think she'd have the same course of action as what the promos imply shauna does. she and shauna may both doubt nat's leadership, but for very different reasons. i think tai still wants to believe in her, she just feels like she's back in this place yet again where she could've fit the role and it landed on someone else.

[also i know i was very vocal about hating the theory of other tai setting the fire but tai's 'who else could it have been' line feels so intentional and also kind of the first time we really address in context that it could've been someone else so i'm not entirely shutting it down, i just wish that people would 1) let van's character exist beyond what she is to tai, since all the theories were based on van context clues and not tai context clues and 2) think that a lot of people just throw anything at other tai without caring about the details, and often it feels very demeaning to her entire character].

"i have every confidence in you. but this place, it's messy. it doesn't want to be governed."

i love van saying this and to tai specifically - tai who loves rules and practicality, who has always tried to push that side of the wilderness away even when her own self wouldn't let her. wish van got a chance to answer her when she asked what she was saying but while tai has been more open to hearing + seeing the wilderness, she's still not willing to give in entirely. she still wants to know she has some kind of control over what happens to them out there.

and that comes back again when we see her finding lottie with travis. she still doesn't trust lottie having that kind of hold over anyone, which is partly why she was so against van telling lottie about what was going on with her in the first place. i feel a lot of things about taissa saying "hasn't he been through enough" - because we really don't see a lot of interactions between her and travis, but we do see some of her connection with javi, and especially with her being the one to have found him (but still not understanding why she did), i really like her looking out for travis and i hope it's not the end of that. she obviously has her negative feelings about him as an adult re: nat but i've always wondered what their relationship was really like in the wilderness.

tried to split this up this time so adult thoughts now <3

the implication that taissa's family had a karaoke machine is so funny. hope that's where she does her tina impressions.

tai + van morning after sex glow is so crazy because once again taissa looks so genuinely happy that i can just feel the dread coming knowing there's no way things will be as easy going as she wants to believe in that moment. van says she feels bad about the previous night and tai gets nervous, asking if she means sex, and once she says no, she lets out a relieved laugh, and then she leans into it all, now with the reassurance that van doesn't regret last night and that they can move forward together now, flirting with her and teasing her the way she's been missing for so long.

really something to be said about how all of these 'perfect' moments between them either gets interrupted by something horrible or something horrible is happening that they don't yet realize....

"van, in your condition--" the way she cuts herself off and there's a silence between them feels like this isn't the first time she's almost said something like that, overstepping. they're not technically back together, and van still doesn't owe tai anything. but tai got her to stay here with her at least so she wasn't alone through it and it's a step towards that but tai still has to respect those boundaries (which she is often not great at, sometimes intentionally).

i love how awkward she is going to pay for their meal - and honestly i was a little surprised that she actually did try (even if she still did not go through with it). "my wife has cancer" is her acting and trying to manipulate the woman in the restaurant, she wasn't being honest, but also... it was a little bit of a rush to call van her wife anyway, to pretend that there's a world where they do get to just be together and everything is fine (a world they've never actually lived in together). it's not lost on her that this man's death seems to be her fault - what was supposed to be a fun, carefree idea, some proof to van that she could live in the moment, turning fatal.

i've never been a fan of the idea of van's cancer magically being cured by sacrifices to the wilderness (re: nat's death) - i think cancer is too serious of a subject to play around with like that (and i think the blurred line between supernatural or not is far more fascinating than any kind of confirmation of either side) but i do like the idea of these characters contemplating it, because of what they've believed for so long, their skewed perception, and because of things that have happened in their past that they justified through that.

and taissa is not someone who can sit still when she feels helpless, so van not letting her take her to urgent care, van not signing her papers, van not being willing to really talk about any of it makes tai feel helpless. "some shit is our business, and some isn't." and every time we've seen her feel that helpless before, she leans into help from the wilderness - subconsciously or not (my favorite example being putting the bone in shauna's hand during her labor and chanting to the wilderness despite having previously been weary of everyone doing the same - and it being the first time she intentionally uses the bone for this reason, fully awake). she sees an altar and takes an opportunity to leave something on it - the matchbook from the restaurant, a symbol of the man who died because of her actions. i don't think she had the intention until she saw the opportunity and was drawn to it though. and i don't think she'd even know how to put it into words if she even wanted to.

i'm not sure if this is leading to anything, if she may kill intentionally, or if she will keep trying to make sacrifices in some (maybe futile) attempt to save van (or if that's not at all what she's doing anyway) but i don't think she'll want van to know about it. and i definitely don't think she even knows how to process it herself. i do think that's one of the first times we've really seen adult tai make a sacrifice like that while conscious, though. tawny implies we're going to find out we saw more of other tai than we realized, but at this point i'm more interested in seeing tai do that fully conscious and with intention. her leaving something at an altar now felt more like shoving the bone in shauna's hand during her pregnancy, rather than her basement altar intended to win her the election that she didn't know she was making.

frankly i love when shit gets awkward between adult tai and van. we know tai is lying to her, we have no way to tell if van is lying to tai but she's at least being short with her and tai feels like she's intentionally holding something back - and she can't even tell her what she did today. van, who would be the only person she felt comfortable with talking to about that, who might be the only person who would understand - and she can't tell her, because she knows she has to respect her boundaries, but she's not.

okay anyway that's all i'm tired

[disregardcanon]

semi-realistic thoughts about where the yellowjackets and co might be in 2021 if the plane HAD crashed but they got rescued before laura lee died because misty never found the black box

tai- in exactly the same place, but with better coping mechanisms and a stable and realistic relationship with simone. sammy still has some issues because tai represses stuff and is still a politician who’s keeping secrets about the wilderness, but tai actually does let him get the therapy he needs. she’s still close to shauna and akilah, and she wishes that she could be close with van, but things are weird there. she always knew van wanted different things out of life than she did, but it was a lot harder to break things off after they lived through a plane crash and a few months in the wilderness together.

van- jack of all trades, master of none. she’s been a summer camp counselor all over the country, done bit parts in lots of movies, was on jeopardy once, managed a spirit halloween, got involved in cutco knives before she realized it was an mlm, worked at an amusement park, taught english to kids in different countries (never with the US military though because that sucks), worked at a ski resort. she’s had a lot of girlfriends that never really stuck, but she’s glad for all of them. she still talks to quite a few of the yellowjackets, but it’s... hard. when she talks to tai. taissa the accomplished lawyer and now state senator thinks that she should settle down, and that’s a little hard to hear from the high school girlfriend who dropped van when she went off to college.

coach ben- after his experience in the wilderness with the girls and losing his leg, there is absolutely NO way he’s going back to teaching. he tries to make things right with paul and after some work, he ends up moving in with paul in the city. paul’s a writer already, so ben gives it a try and does some comedy columns and sports columns.

nat- had a couple of years right after high school where she was drifting and on just about every drug in the book until she accidentally runs into ben and paul at a party and ben’s like oh my god NATALIE!??! and makes her sleep on their couch for a while. eventually she ends up making weird art and coaching a kids’ soccer team. she has some short term romantic relationships with both men and women but none of them ever really stick.

misty and crystal- coach very gently told her when they were in the hospital that he was gay and not interested. and she was like “oh you figured it out because i was so wonderful and you weren’t attracted to me, so you knew you couldn’t like girls?” and he sighed and went. yes misty. that’s how. and she put a hand on his shoulder and said “how brave. how inspiring” and then misty started telling this story to any teammate who would listen. crystal was the only one who didn’t roll her eyes and she was like “omg, a gay teacher? like in the children’s hour????” and then they become best friends going into the next year of school. misty doesn’t HAVE a secret that’s big enough to break them up so they just. stay together.

misty stays on as the equipment manager but mainly just to cheer on her bestie and they join theater together. they don’t do very well but they LOVE it, and they decide to go to the same college to be roommates. crystal becomes a quirky high school theater teacher and misty still becomes a concerning RN who dates and intimidates weird little guys, but they live together and are like, what, gay? *pft* no, we’re besties! and they are, but god are they weird about it

laura lee and lottie- lottie’s parents made her go to the same ivy that her dad went to, and she really hates it, even though she does her best and gets her degree. (i’m thinking some kind of counseling/leadership) laura lee goes to a bible college that skews too conservative for her and she hates it too, so much that she decides to drop out until she can figure out where she DOES want to go. a lot of soulsearching and mishaps later, and lottie is taking on a youth minister position at a nondenominational hippie dippie queer loving church and inviting laura lee to check it out, and laura lee falls in LOVE WITH IT and then goes straight into the seminary she can find that best lines up with her own values. they become a power couple and get married in 2004 as soon as it’s legal. they end up with a congregation that isn’t very large but is dedicated and does a lot of good in their area.

travis and javi- coach martinez still died, so things are hard, but not nearly as hard as in canon. they work through his death as best as they can with their mom, and travis stays at home the next year to go to community college before leaving home. javi makes him join a dungeons and dragons campaign and it actually helps him a lot with the Big Feelings Time. travis goes into something that his dad thought was nerdy and not masculine enough but that he likes and is good at, and javi becomes an artist. he and shauna collaborate sometimes on projects <3. also travis and jackie become weird friends at community college

mari- she’s an mlm girlie but one that is Proud! Of! It! she’s got a big enough downline that she actually supports herself this way, even though it.... still sucks and is soulsucking. but it lets her be a little bitchy, do tasks, and be kind of in charge and kind of not in charge and mari DOES like that.

melissa and gen- let them play soccer together in college because they were on the fabled yellowjackets team that never got to go to nationals as well as the one that WON! let melissa get butcher. let gen have a sexuality crisis as she gets jealous about girls falling all over her best friend. let them be soccer lesbians who eventually move to denver and buy a subaru

akilah- they find out that shauna’s pregnant before they’re rescued and right before laura lee’s able to make her incredible journey. akilah the girl scout finds herself worrying about what might have happened if they had to deliver a baby out there, even though they DIDN’T. then she does a lot of research into the subject on top of studying for her SAT and finds out about maternal mortality rates in the united states, especially among black women like her and her sister. she decides to become an OBGYN to try to fight the problem, and despite the hardships, she makes it happen. she also gets to upset her sister with terrible pregnancy fun facts, which is what siblings are for

jackie- has a blowout fight with shauna about the jeff thing after they get back, straining her relationships with every member of the team. she still tries at college, but she rushes and doesn’t get a bid for a single sorority (she’s going through a crisis where she’s realized she’s a lesbian and doesn’t know what to do with that and also. is very depressed and angry), her potluck roommate doesn’t like her, and her classes are so hard now without shauna to help. she doesn’t know how to ask for help and things spiral for the two semesters it takes for her to get kicked out of college. she’s home the summer afterward, with her parents desperately trying to get her to figure out a different college or go out with jeff again (we understand what he did, but you aren’t exactly... rolling in prospects right now) and she’s just going crazy in her room.

shauna and jackie- shauna gets an abortion and does go to brown! she’s really upset with where things ended with jackie, but she’s still close to tai and some of the other girls and she’s exploring her bisexuality at college, so she’s doing okay javi sends her drawings sometimes, and that’s nice. when she comes home over her first summer and sees jackie absolutely rotting... she feels awful enough to try to mend the bridge. it doesn’t totally work, but by the end of the season they’re on speaking terms again, and over the next few holiday breaks they become tentative friends again, then good friends, then homoerotic girls who are dancing around each other.

jackie tries out the community college thing and tries hanging out with jeff again, who’s working at his parents’ furniture store. her parents are convinced they’re dating and jeff kind of is too and jackie... tries to see if she can fix herself. she forces herself to let it be dating and then they have sex and it feels wrong and weird and bad... but she does it. and jeff’s magical sperm does its thing.

timeline-wise the pregnancy becomes clear about 3 months before shauna’s graduation from brown/jackie’s graduation from the community college. (she and travis are weird friends there. no i’m not elaborating but it happened) and her parents are freaking out and trying to get her and jeff to get married right now immediately to save face, and jackie just. cries. and calls shauna. and cries some more. and they have a heart to heart and confess some feelings and decide that they’ll try dating and kinda. raise the baby together. (it’s callie yay!)

jackie isn’t going to be able to move in with shauna until after she finishes this semester and gets a bigger place, and her parents are livid that she refused jeff’s offer and is still keeping the baby! (they don’t even know she’s a lesbian yet) so she has to move in temporarily with the martinezes javi shows her lots of art pieces and is like “would shauna like this?” and the answer is always yes.

eventually, shauna becomes an editor for the local paper and a fiction writer. jackie stays home with bby callie for a bit and then cycles between different odd jobs for a while as she tries to find a good fit. she eventually ends up as middle management at a small company where she does a whole lot of team-building exercises that everyone pretends to hate until she pulls out the prizes

[esp-resso]

taivan rambles and badly summarised poetry

soo...

i got bored and decided i was going to go on a deepdive of the meanings of the yellowjackets names and in my findings i discovered that the name van(essa) was only created in 1726?? i didn't know that, and what's also interesting is that it was from a poem by johnathon swift called Cadenus and Vanessa . also didn't know it was from a poem so that was cool. when i was reading about the author and inspiration of the poem, i was thinking like wait does this lowkey relate to yellowjackets then?? maybe it does maybe it doesnt but i saw something

the poem is about cadenus (johnathon swift) and vanessa (a woman called esther) and it was a real life event. esther was madly in love with johnathon and the poem (which i have not read, 5500 words yikes) is pretty much a letter explaining how he couldn't continue to love her after their brief connection.

i was reading through some articles about the poem and found this quote (i will link any articles below); "Throughout the poem there are accusations from both genders. Swift intends to show the reader that if women were placed on equal footing with men, the ability to love more authentically would emerge." i find this really interesting especially talking about sapphic (or achillean, but i cant speak on that front) couples is that lots of people in these relationships would describe it as feeling more connected from relating to eachother in a closer manner in a way. i think that the way two women wouldn't have to be placed 'equally footed' with one another as they already are. there doesn't have to be any competition or fight between the two sexes as they are already one. this has got a bit off topic and i might of completely misinterpreted the quote but that's a thought for you.

back to the story, the irl story of the two ends with johnathon leaving esther as he's in love with another woman. esther never recovers from this heartbreak and dies a few years later of tuberculosis and that's kinda the end of that.

now, you ask me, how the fuck does this all relate to yellowjackets? well.. taivan... woooooohooooooooo!!!

you might not see the parallels that i do currently, but imagine that johnathon is taissa and esther is van. tai and van are together, tai is in love with another woman (simone) (tai might leave van for her, who knows?), van is heartbroken over this, and then she may perchance die of cancer (tuberculosis) in season 3. wow! connections! obviously s3 isn't out yet so i don't know the fate of tai and vans relationship is before simone but imagine this is how it happens so i don't seem insane.

in the poem esther is also compared to a nymph, and johnathon being just a human. this might parallel to van's resurrection and seeming 'more than human' from that, and the fact she lived and died in the wilderness that her being a nymph (a nature spirit) kinda ties everything in too. just another thought.

im pretty tired so this probably could be written better but its a lot of yapping for a bit of yellowjackets so i feel bad for anyone who reads this and hears me talk about random shit so its over with at last. yay!!

thank you for coming to my tedtalk

link below (idk why the address is to tumblr, it's to coursehero fyi):

[planecrashjesus]

1, 5, 7, 8 and 12 for Taissa Turner if you don’t mind.

OMG Yellowjackets question ILY!!!

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

There’s so much I love about Tai. She’s messy, she’s a go-getter, even at her expense. She focuses so hard on logic sometimes she forgets to think about feelings (icing out Allie because there’s a chance she could fuck up nationals for the good of the team, letting Simone feel alone in parenting for the good of the campaign) and that’s not something you usually get for female characters, it’s incredibly refreshing. And her POWER. Girl is so so not afraid to take the lead at any time, rather it’s moving to the lake, forcing Lottie to come inside, or getting rid of Jackie’s body, she really knows how to lead a group and never lets anyone tell her she can’t do something. I think the scene in s1 where she tells that white old lady to fuck the hell off was the moment I really fell for her, lol.

5. First song that comes to mind when you think of them?

SO TAI. SHE IS SO WEREWOLF CODED BTW

7. What’s something the fandom does with this character that you like?

FROM WHAT I CAN SEE. They don’t whitewash her. FROM WHAT I CAN SEE SO FAR.

8. What’s something the fandom does with this character that you dislike?

I feel like some people only care or like her when she’s in a relationship with Van :(( sometimes it feels like she just gets thrown out if she doesn’t even up in half of a relationship

12. Head cannon you have for this character?

I very much feel like being in the wilderness let her realize she was genderfluid :)

Lastly, look at her she’s perfect :)))

[ourlittlesister2015]

The problem with Taissa and Van right now for me is that Van hasn’t had enough screen time for me to be able to judge how well she’s going to deal with the sleepwalking. They’re both going through so much but besides Van’s tendency to believe in the supernatural and to join Lottie’s cult (and being a cute lesbian) there’s not much there.

I keep thinking about the parallels between Taissa and Kevin from the leftovers since they both have a sleepwalking problem, which the narrative indicates could be associated with the supernatural, and with partners that somehow help them. Taissa and Van sleeping tied to each other is so similar to the handcuff and the thing is when Kevin was truly honest about the depth of his problem Nora fucking left. And what I’m stuck with is what will Van be like in the long run?

What we’ve seen from present-day basically tells that Shauna is fully aware of how fucked up Taissa can get when she’s going through this and next episode I guess we’ll find out a bit of how much Van knows. Is it just as much? With Jackie gone, even if Shauna does the most to consume and absorb part of Jackie it seems to me that the closest friend she has is Taissa, and with present-day Tai, is like ok so you’re not looking for Van out of love. There’s that interview with Tawny where she talks about it as Tai being selfish which seems very in character but for that to be true there has to be a breakup and I can’t know for sure right now what leads to that. A difference of belief? Taissa being scared she’ll hurt Van? All of that?

After Simone talks to her (which I have 10000 problems with her approach) it’s kind of scary to me that Taissa doesn’t exactly confront what she’s done and is more in denial and chooses to believe that she will never lose control like that again which is a shitty decision, she can’t stay awake forever. I don’t know what this post is about but Kevin did almost destroy his relationship with a lot of people and I really wish Tai doesn’t do that.

 But again what is real? Like honestly I think she loves her son but she’s a failmother and wife and it’s all related to this trauma that she doesn’t talk about and this other self she has that she wants to ignore and destroy. Still, it’s not something she can rid herself of easily. Wherever she goes, there it will be.

[ladyintree]

this is my perspective on it and i'm not claiming it's canon for any of the simones i write with because obviously it's up to their interpretation, it's just how i need to make sense of it to write tai with other characters because i think about the dog a lot so. hi

I think that getting a dog was, in some way, tai's way of getting out of having another kid.   I've said before that kids were never exactly in her plan,  and it was a conversation she intended to keep pushing away once she got married,   but ultimately settled on having one because it was what simone wanted.  after they had one kid,  she thought that was done.   she loves sammy but she still hadn't planned to be a mother,  so she does have complicated feelings about it and knows that one is all she could ever handle.  I don't think she'd ever actually say that she regrets having him, though; her love for him is very genuine, but that doesn't mean that she's been willing to be the mother that he needs.

she and simone clearly have very different ways of parenting sammy and early season 1 often implies that sammy gravitates towards tai, even to the point where he starts covering her when her unconscious self starts interacting with him and ultimately forcing conscious tai to blame those things she's doing on him. but tai isn't willing to see that there's a problem with sammy because some part of her knows that she's that problem, that it's her issues that are being brought up, and simone isn't going to turn away from getting him help. settling for having a kid at all is not to blame simone because I don't think taissa put up much of a fight, either; I think she just knew she had to make some sacrifices in her relationship and accepted that this was one of them. and simone is a good mother and there's some part of tai that has always felt settled in having a kid because even if she wasn't giving her all, simone would, and that felt fair to her (it's not!) so she could handle one kid. but if simone ever brought up having another kid, even if it was a very light suggestion without any real plans yet, tai would've shut down.

so a young sammy asks for a dog and tai hates this. she does not want a pet. it doesn't matter what animal he asked for, she has no interest in being responsible for something else. she liked the way her life was going, she liked feeling like she was part of a stable family and the perception of herself she created because of it, she liked feeling like she was still in control of where she was going in life and how well she's moved on. she was achieving so many of her goals despite everything, while feeling nothing in the process and never truly latching onto happiness because she told herself it didn't matter, but she was still going somewhere. bringing a dog into their home felt so dreadful for her but she also knew the alternative could be the actual conversation of having another kid, and a dog felt like less of a hassle. she didn't really have anything against dogs and maybe once wanted one when she was a kid, so again, she told herself she could make it work and it would be fine, because it was at least better than bringing another child into their family. sammy loved the dog and it made him happy and that made tai happy despite the fact that she didn't intend for either of these to be a part of her life. she could look at her family once again and still feel like it was what she was supposed to have (because again, genuine happiness just didn't feel in the cards anymore, anyway), and she settled for that.

I don't think she'd ever consciously want to harm either of them but there is something to be said that her sacrifice was her dog + the doll that closely resembled her child. but that's for another day because discussing that makes my brain go in circles

[ladyintree]

@lingeringscars asked: if they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

shauna. shauna is always the immediate answer, teen or adult (and you know this, and you're baiting me by sending this question, i see you). that's just her person. not even just in the sense of being her best friend (because i don't think she necessarily uses that word), but in the sense of... her being the only one to see her, in the darkest and most intimate form there is.

though i'd maybe say that 'want' is not exactly true -- as a teen, she wants comfort from van. as an adult, she wants comfort from simone. but the reality is, she can't necessarily get there with either of them. and it's not for lack of love or lack of trust, it's something about her, and how she perceives herself / wants to be perceived by others, that she can't get there with them. but she can with shauna. it happened accidentally, and she found comfort in it, and she never forgot it.

i'm putting the rest under a read more because i have a lot to say:

with van, they don't necessarily talk about the big things or about the deep feelings ( other than how they feel for each other. ) if van tries, tai often brushes her off, and because they don't see eye to eye on certain things - mainly, 'what's really happening out there,' she doesn't feel like she can. if something weird is going on with her, like her sleep walking / her stealing van's necklace in her sleep / her actively participating in things she is saying she doesn't believe in / etc., then telling van, of all people, is like admitting defeat -- because she is openly telling van that those things aren't real, don't etc, etc., and that there's nothing wrong with her. if she talks to van about it, she has to accept that something is not okay.

but she wants to go to van, because van is comfortable to her, van is the person she loves, van is her girlfriend. but they don't know how to deal with conflict, they don't know how to get on the same page on the bigger things (at least yet), and tai will do whatever she can to avoid some kind of confrontation with her ( most notably in ep 1x10, when they fight, and tai never actually agrees with her or gets on the same page with her.. she just immediately goes to the 'we're okay' and avoids it). using this quote for reference:

“i think this is going to be an ongoing problem for them: they don’t talk. they certainly don’t argue. i don’t think taissa knows about van’s mother; i don’t think van knows about taissa’s sleepwalking. these are two characters who adore each other but probably for a long time have had a relationship that’s practical: 'we’re high schoolers in 1996, let’s be sensible about this, and also, let’s have fun. we have a lot in common, we’re both no-nonsense, we’re both really smart, we both think we’re really hot.' but i don’t know that there’s a long-term foundation in place for them yet. what are these two like when there’s conflict?"

it's also hard for her to go to van about her sleepwalking because she's already put her in danger because of it. falling asleep, stealing her necklace (that she already claimed was bullshit and belittled van for yet is now actively using for comfort), and climbing to a tree while she was on watch and not being able to wake them all when the wolves attacked nearly killed van. so in tai's mind, it's like: 'how do i tell her about my sleep walking, when she nearly died because of it? isn't it easier just to not talk about it at all?' because.. avoidance is more comfortable for tai! so she's scared as hell to go to sleep, while also wishing she could sleep next to van and be honest with her about it, but she just can't. i think there's potential for that to change this season, but as of right now, she's not seeking comfort from van for reasons that have nothing to do with how she feels about her, but more so - how she wants van to perceive her.

to answer the second part of that question -- it does change depending on the type of fear. if it's as simple as "i'm scared of losing this game," then it's the opposite, in terms of not wanting to admit something like that to her teammates in a way that makes her look weak, but she can turn to van because she can be honest with her. but it's when things start to get weird in the wilderness that she's becoming less and less vulnerable with van because of the fears that start forming.

as adults, with simone, she wants to lean on her. she's her wife, she's her person, she's the person she's supposed to lean on, and she does trust her. i think she's been as honest with simone as she can be about her time in the wilderness -- leaving out only the things she refuses to address herself about the 'weird' things that happened, and the sleepwalking. when she tells simone about the sleepwalking in present day, she mentions it casually but in a way that's clearly new information to simone:

 "after the crash, when we were stuck out there, i started sleepwalking. a symptom of the trauma, i guess. once we were rescued, it just... just stopped."

she never told simone about the sleepwalking, or anyone else she met post-rescue for that matter, because she thought it was irrelevant. it stopped after she was rescued, so taissa claimed to herself it wasn't a problem and wasn't worth telling anyone about. and she doesn't like dwelling on the trauma from the wilderness anyway, because she likes to pretend that she was just immediately fine after being rescued even though that's so far from true.

when it comes to things like fearing for losing the election, etc., she can go to simone. but the bigger things - like what's going on with sammy, she does the same thing she did with van, which was brush it off and ultimately belittle her for buying into it, and it's all because of her own fear that she's unwilling to address even with herself.

she did eventually go to her when she was scared, but it was kind of at the last possible moment. it was because she already talked to shauna that she felt like she could talk to simone. it was because she got to the place of knowing she was putting her and her son in danger that she finally went to simone. it wasn't because she actually really wanted to address these things out loud, it was because she had to for their safety.

"–– but with the stress of the campaign, and everything that's been going on, um, it's happening again. no, uh.. it's not just happening. i'm doing it, and it fucking scares me, because the last time, i... um, i think i may have been the one to let biscuit out of the house."

she almost tells her what happened the last time. but she doesn't. because she can't. because she can let simone in far enough to try to keep her safe, but she can't let her in all the way.

everything is just easy with shauna. there is something about sleeping with shauna in the attic that brings them an intimacy neither of them planned on, and it continues through adulthood. even if they hadn't seen each other in years, they fall right back into place, like they've spent every night together for the last 20 years.

first it was learning about her pregnancy that brought them closer, already knowing shauna in a way no one else does, and then their relationship really changed when she tried to help shauna with her abortion. you don't go through that with someone without it changing you and your relationship forever, and it's sharing that horrific moment in time together that really urges taissa to finally open up with her fully too.

when she goes to sleep the night after they return from the wolf attack, she doesn't sleep next to van, she doesn't sleep in the same room with her to watch over her -- she goes back to the attic with shauna. because that's her place, and after everything she just went through, she needs to feel safe. shauna is her safe place. and by now, she's realized that she is not van's safe place. she doesn't tell the rest of the girls what happened, she pretends she doesn't know what happened. she lets the stress of the wolves distract everyone from the fact that she was asleep in a tree, not on watch. but she instantly tells shauna everything, because she needs to talk about it. and tai is not someone who usually willingly opens up about the things that scare her, but it just comes out with shauna.

because shauna is her person.

[ladyintree]

working through the 1x03 script now, the tai ep of all time truly

tai's discomfort around religion is one of my favorite things about her and if i could properly discuss religion in a way that didn't make me personally feel uncomfortable then i would but.... until then. i love that she knows this detail about rachel because rachel only just recently moved to varsity, they all said they barely knew her - but tai at least knows this much, and even though i'm sure this is as much about her own discomfort rather than it is about defending rachel, it's still important to me.

there's such a stark difference between the tai we know now (both in the teen timeline and adult) to the child she was who was comforted by religion and her grandma's beliefs - which is ultimately where tai started to disconnect, after her grandma passed.

tai has such a complicated relationship with death because of what she went through with her grandma, and i don't think she's experienced a lot of it since her grandma, but it's coming back to her now as they bury coach, rachel, and a bunch of people they only knew for a few hours, which still hits just as hard.

"taissa (burying her feelings)" yeah of course she's not going to stand there and reflect with everyone. she's going to do something she deems useful and purposeful and not waste her time dwelling, because keeping herself busy and active is the only way she can get through it - especially alone.

talked about this here, but taissa has a habit of suggesting exactly what she wants to do and framing it as a joke to protect herself from simone's inevitable rejection. tai sees a smear ad for her and immediately jumps to how she can hit back - but she knows simone won't agree. she still just has to say it anyway because that's who she is, and if she can frame it as a joke, then she can rid herself of the accountability and act like that's all it was.

"taissa waves her off, just too frustrated." she never intended to stick to that original plan; she always hoped that she would eventually maneuver as she needed to (which she does, even if it means going behind simone's back).

also, "go enjoy your son" / "off taissa, trying to 'enjoy'" - always obsessed with the script calling her out.

always obsessed with jackie-taissa beef because they have different reasons for beefing with each other that aren't even really as relevant as they think they are. jackie's resentment for tai seems to have come from her newfound friendship with shauna and the way shauna starts to confide in tai when jackie doesn't know about the baby. but tai and shauna weren't friends before the crash; tai's resentment for jackie comes from a lot of assumptions and her own perception of her. to her, jackie is the girl who gets everything she wants just handed to her, she gets prestige that she hasn't earned. she's the girl everyone likes, everyone wants to be friends with, and tai hates that. in the pilot episode, coach martinez implies that tai is the better player but he gives the captainship to jackie -- something that taissa is all too aware of, and those feelings come up here now, because she has the opportunity to give them a win, to move forward from the events of earlier in the day, find a little bit of hope. and it's obvious to her that they should take it, but she's a little harder on jackie because she needs the win over her, specifically, because she always craves that.

"taissa clocks jackie's bitchiness" and then immediately uses that to her advantage to extend an olive branch to shauna, who agreed with her, which means all the more to her.

i actually like that they removed man with no eyes from this scene because the implication is still enough for me. it's important that tai sees things in general and it doesn't have to be something specific, even though we know what it might be, but it really sets up her arc well imo. "if he had eyes, he would be looking right at her" gives taissa + eye symbolism so much more.

also, van and tai aren't even together, together at this point, but van can still clock when she's not telling her something.

this whole thing is just so nasty of her but i love you taissa <3

"then she kicks into political mode and turns toward the oncoming mom with charm and sympathy--" usually i think she's pretty good at the political mode charm but in this scene, even the mom doesn't seem to buy it.

also the parallel of this to her breaking allie's leg, with her trying to process whether or not she did it on purpose and cope with how she's capable of that -- to sammy admitting outright that he did it.

"our son just assaulted another child, and you're talking strategy?" again she jumps to the suggestion that they hit back, this time relieved that she has something to actually back it up - even if it means their son might've done something bad. she weaponizes it for her own benefit to try to convince simone. she's also so quick to say it wasn't a big deal because she doesn't want to unpack any of it. it's too familiar to her.

something about taissa still reflecting on what she saw earlier, still scared and freaked out, but she's taking the moment to try to just focus on her friend while also finding peace in watching van. van being referred to as the life of the party and that's why taissa is just so infatuated watching her. akilah noticing that she's soft for the moment and immediately clocking her, as she always has and continues to do, saying something that might not have been well received if it was anyone else. but tai has such a specific relationship with akilah that it's okay coming from her. "taissa grins, actually appreciating that," because she knows she's intimidating and that people are scared of her - part of that is intentional - but it also does scare her sometimes that she's taking it too far, so it's nice to hear some kind of validation from someone she trusts.

again she's still sitting here trying to figure out what she's going to do with it -- still not taking into account how simone feels about it, because she already knows and she thinks simone is wrong. she's also not quick to betray her trust, she just can't get the ad out of her head and she needs the attention off herself.

re: nat, tai has spent years being afraid of calls like these, whether nat is in the hospital or in jail or if this is some news that she's gone. she's always done her best to try to keep her out of these situations ( though mostly with money, rarely with any real relationship beyond that. ) but in a moment like this, when she's already pissed off simone and she's genuinely struggling with how to handle her campaign, it's even more frustrating to hear from nat now.

"i never asked you to pay for rehab" is one of my favorite lines between them. nat was never the one going to taissa begging for her help; it was always taissa seeking her out and trying to do what she can to her. again, not by actually having a real relationship with her that might've helped them both in the long run, but by at least trying to do what she can to help in different ways.

the mention of travis sets her off because she's likely picked nat up and helped her out multiple times after they exploded in the past; she has such a skewed perception of travis because of it, and deep down she knows their problems aren't one sided, but she's so used to helping nat in the aftermath that she's learned to resent travis for it. but now, hearing that nat sought him out again frustrates her because she knows how it goes, and she at least tries to take travis's side by knowing he doesn't want to be found ( considering her season 2 arc, she obviously understands why someone would want to get away - she pushed van away herself. )

"easy to judge the rest of us from your perfect life" is such a good response from nat because that's exactly how tai sees it, that she has the perfect life, she's the one who is making it out better than the rest of them. she has "won" survival. but nat knows that it's all a lie anyway, more than tai allows herself to realize.

"to try to do good in the world. ever hear of that?" being her answer to why she's doing what she's doing is such a calculated response because it's not why she's doing any of it; she's doing it for power and greed because she's got away with so much already that she thinks she can keep advancing without it backfiring.

"taissa struggles for a beat, but no. no fucking way." obsessed with this line and the way she nearly gives in - because it's nat. because she always gives in with nat. because nat is one of the few people that could ever make her sway her opinions or her actions, but she has to stand her ground this time, still assuming that this is just her chasing travis in a way that'll blow up in her face again.

taissa going from assuming that MWNE is the angel to seeing what she sees is likely a big part of why death is so hard for her to process now and how she gave up on religion shortly after her grandma passed. this is her last interaction with her grandma before watching her die, of course that's sticking with her forever -- especially when death is surrounding her in a situation in which she likely shouldn't have survived to begin with.

"why don't people like you?" "taissa absorbs the cold dose of reality. then she shrugs, making light of it." this being in the same episode of akilah telling her she's not that much of a bitch is so fascinating to me. and tai 'trying to make light of it' because she is just so used to it, people not liking her, especially now that she's running for office and is wearing so many masks, giving people such a perfectly-crafted version of herself that still bleeds through the cracks.

"you're not the bad one." / "sammy, is someone else the bad one?" she doesn't know yet, she can't fully commit to accepting that this other version of herself may be back, but deep down she knows, and he's making her start to question it. "disturbingly, shakes his head no, the oddness hair-raising" because he's talking about her, and he's trying to cover for her, and she's still trying to take it out on him / blame him, but she knows something is off with her.

one of her hottest scenes to me. of course she immediately leaves her son's room after that conversation and makes the decision to hit back. she has to protect herself (while under the guise of being a good mother and wife) because she can sense that something is wrong with her, and the only way she sees to protect herself is to get the attention off of her and that, to her, might just stop whatever it is that sammy just implied.

"dark electricity pulsing through her" taissa turner the woman you are....

taissa is trying to be a leader even if that's not how everyone looks at her. she's making note of everyone's safety and clocks it when someone is missing. the way she approaches lottie so softly at first, trying to take care of her, and then quickly switches her reaction once lottie says something she doesn't want to hear is so telling. it's because she has a bad feeling too, but she's trying not to think about it - so lottie admitting to it outright, to her, sets her off.

i'm so obsessed with this three timeline parallel for her, showing her how connected she always has been to death and how hard it is. also the implications of the adult timeline hinting that she'll experience some kind of death there too -- this time at her own doing, because of those experiences she had in the past, because she's still affected by it.

as a kid, she opens her dead grandma's eyes and is terrified what she finds. as a teen, she sees the dead guy's empty eye sockets and is terrified again, bringing her right back to that moment when she was a kid. as an adult, she discovers that she's ripped the eyes out of her son's doll ( the doll that looks exactly like her son ) but she doesn't yet know why.

she first meets the man with no eyes when she's a child, then sees her grandma without them -- then she sees him in the wilderness and later finds the dead cabin guy with no eyes, surrounded by the symbols that are eventually foreshadowed by her adult timeline, when she finds the eyes that were taken by the doll. taissa + eyes you are so famous to me

[ladyintree]

tai knows that,  too.   she thought it the moment simone walked out—   even if it had been taissa’s suggestion,    part of her knew that it wouldn’t be so easy to mend things,   make it all go back to normal.    especially not after what simone found,   and especially not after what taissa did —-   she knows that she can’t force any of this to work,     but standing in front of mikayla now,   it’s hard to imagine a world in which she wants it to,    even if the alternative is her life completely crashing.   ❝  i know that,   but—-    are you even trying?  ❞     she asks,   her brows furrowing,   because she’s only trying to understand.    a few weeks ago,   things seemed fine with her and her wife —-  or maybe that was just what was eating away at taissa in the time since,   too afraid to hang onto the suspicion that it wasn’t all good,   because that would only be dangerous for her.

her head falls back as she lets out an exasperated sigh,  tired of this particular conversation even though mikayla deserves to hang it over her head for the rest of her life.     ❝   so i can’t be concerned about you now?    what,   you didn’t reach out to me once in 20 fucking years,   and here you are,   concerned about me,   right?  ❞     she asks,   hesitant to bring this back to her own issues,   still wanting to deflect,   but she’s desperate to show her why it matters  —   why she can still be concerned,   despite everything.     ❝   i’m concerned about you,  ❞    she corrects,   because she’s self-aware enough to know that she has her own skewed idea of what mikayla’s relationship with her wife really is.    when mikayla urges her to tell her why she cares,    she lets out a small,   empty laugh,   amused by the question—  but also,  just buying herself time,   trying to think of a way out of the answer.   

she lets out a scoff,   because she doesn’t want to be the one to give in first,   doesn’t want to say anything too direct.   mikayla still has the power to kick her out when she wants,   still knows too much about taissa that she’s still shaken about knowing herself,   still has too much power over her,  really.     ❝  i care because i can tell there’s something you’re not telling me.    and i don’t know why—   yeah,   maybe i don’t deserve the truth,  but . .  .   ❞    she trails off,   her eyes narrowing in on mikayla.   ❝  fuck,   mikayla,   i just want to be here for you.    you think i came all this way just for you to pity me?  ❞     it is what she did,   in a way.   it was selfish.   she needed help,   and she didn’t mind barging into mikayla’s life to get it.   but now that she’s here,   and now that something is off with mikayla,   she wants to be here for her,  too.    and,  maybe,   she’s just desperate to know.    

tai’s eyes roll,   her own arms crossing over her chest now,   reflecting hers without realizing it.    she doesn't believe her,    but she also doesn’t expect that she would have told her wife anything about her,   especially with how little she claimed she knew already —-   so she’s at a loss,   and she’s sure that mikayla doesn’t seem willing to budge.    ❝  okay,  ❞     she emphasizes herself,   trying to get the last word,   make it clear she doesn’t believe her.  

her jaw clenches,   because she doesn’t want to be compared to calypso at all,  even in the way she talks about her,   making it clear that the love they had for each other is different than mikayla’s and her wife’s.    it makes her heart race,   and once more,  she wishes she could defend herself,   or make up for it,   or something—-  but she can’t.   here they are,  worlds apart again,  sitting right next to each other.   ❝  it wasn’t easy for me,  ❞    she reminds,   her voice steady,   a hint of regret in her tone because she admits something like that and it opens up so much more—-   but that’s what she's getting at,   that’s why she can’t understand why calypso would leave her.    she saw something in her,   she fell in love with her,   she married her.    it was the worst thing taissa could have ever done,  leaving her—  so how can her own wife feel so confident doing that,   after how long they’ve been together?    longer than she was with tai,   that isn’t lost on her — even though she know their  relationships had to have been different.

she uncrosses her arms,   clasping her hands together again,   clenching one tightly in the other as she repeats her words in her head:    i can handle losing you.    eyes close for a moment,   and she decides that she can’t believe that,   not after the things she said,   the look in her eyes the night they almost kiss,   not after the way she held her not that long ago.    ❝   yeah.   it’s the worst fucking mistake she could ever make,   ❞    she says calmly,   but of course,   she’s not talking about calypso.  maybe she shouldn’t,   but she can't help it now;  she needs her to know that losing her is the worst thing that could have ever happened to her.    not what happened to her wife,   not the return of her sleepwalking,   not the way her life is crashing and burning now—-    maybe it was all inevitable,   because she walked away from the person she was supposed to be,   and she never truly forgave herself for it,   never allowed herself to find the peace she pretended she had.  ❝  why?  ❞    she blurts,   her tone sterner now.    ❝  why are you okay with this?  ❞     she says,   begging her to admit something herself.

something happened, but it's nothing that mikayla wants to think about, much less talk about. just thinking about it makes her feel self conscious, because if calypso could tell she still had feelings for tai based on the way she looked at the fucking television, then it has to be obvious right now, when she's actually in front of her. she scowls, because she's not sure what taissa wants her to say— does she want mikayla to fight for her wife, or does she just want the satisfaction of knowing she won't? that shouldn't be surprising, since mikayla didn't even fight for her, the only woman she'd ever really loved. so why would she do anything to stop calypso? “ i can't force her to stay with me. ” especially not when it's apparently so easy for everyone to leave her, to just move on as if she never existed. that's the only thing that's truly getting to her: not losing her wife, just being abandoned all over again.

“ it's just a little fucking ridiculous that you didn't want to be there for me when i was in actual fucking prison, but you're so concerned about my relationship. ” and the concern is unnecessary this time, because mikayla's doing perfectly fine. she's inconvenienced by all of it, knowing that if calypso is serious about wanting this to be over, she's going to have to deal with all the legal side of things, but other than that, she doesn't care nearly as much as she should, because calypso can't break her heart when she never actually had it in the first place. “ so unless you want to tell me why you actually care so fucking much, i don't want to hear it. ” because if tai actually expects mikayla to admit the truth, to admit that her break up does have something to do with them, then she needs her to admit that she wants to know because she's not over her, either. it's the only thing that would even make her consider being honest with her.

mikayla crosses her arms over her chest, sinking back further into the couch, simultaneously amused and offended that taissa tries to blame all of it on her. maybe it wasn't all on tai, because mikayla was leaning in, too, fully prepared to ruin their lives together if natalie hadn't interrupted them, but tai was the one who touched her first, so if anyone deserves more of the blame, it isn't mikayla. “ it doesn't, ” she emphasizes, clearly lying— but it doesn't surprise her that tai doesn't seem to believe her, because she's never really been any good at lying to her anyway.

her hand raises to cover her face, slowly dragging down, because she didn't want to have to listen to this again, but focusing on them feels easier than focusing on her issue with calypso— which makes little sense, really, since only one of them broke her heart, and it wasn't her wife. “ i'm just saying if you could do that, after everything we— it shouldn't be that hard for her, either. ” she did deserve it, at least from calypso; she'd used her for years, stringing her along, telling herself that she'd love her back eventually, that one day she would stop wishing calypso was somebody else, and it was never fair to her. she was right to leave, but she can't admit that without admitting that she did something wrong. “ i'm fine. if i can handle losing you, i can handle losing her. ” she looks away, feeling like she's revealing too much, but maybe that's what tai actually wanted to hear, so maybe it'll get her to stop digging. “ if you haven't noticed, i'm not exactly torn up about it. it's her fucking loss. ”