#I considered this being rebloggable but ehhh

[universal-kitty]

Late night moment I'm having again. May as well post this b4 bed-

Self-ship is very strange coming from someone who does this for personal comfort- as pretty much everyone does- but not in the same way as the majority tend to.

I think I'm coming to the bigger realization that this shipping is much more precious to some people than how I interact with it. We do all the same things, mind you: we collect/make merch, we love the character, have folders dedicated to the character, draw them a lot...or all the time, make ships, create self-inserts, find new merch..... They're just very baked into our lives. Right down to living in our heads rent free.

(And then I- personally- learned about plurality, and that fundamentally changed some things. Some of my F/Os are legitimately in my head, and they help ensure I can function.)

Anyways. But then we get to the finer details of shipping, and "my type" falls to the wayside.

Where people seek to write what they wish their reality to be, I don't...always do that. I seek the story. The honesty. While I will bend my F/Os from their canon personalities- a sort of "asking forgiveness" to do so- in order to make some of these stories happen, they are largely (more often than not) still accurate to source. Which means we might fight. It might mean someone does something hurtful, and has to make up for the damage left behind. I may even still keep a villain well and truly villainous, and let my SI react how they will. (Do they turn the other cheek; stay blind to the truth of the matter? Are they unhelpful with these events, but know of them, and still kiss their lover on the cheek? Maybe... Just maybe-? They even help.)

That tends to read as enabling behavior. Something "bad" to do. Why would anyone write about these things?

...Well, because it's not always about who I am, at any given time. I do not have to be a "simple" person, who lives a boring, struggling life. I can write about "mes" who do incredible things. Dangerous things. And may continue to do so.

It's not because I would personally want to see these things happen. It may be layered in catharsis for painful events, but most of all... It's a story.

I write it to be thrilling. To be shocking. To fill the world with love and tenderness, but also show how those roses have thorns, and you can't catch a blade bare handed without risking cuts. Without risking some near-permanent damage to yourself.

Sometimes, yes, I will write a story that reflects my world. My status. I want to talk marriage with someone who hasn't considered it before. Being comforted by someone who means a lot to me, and who's words would soothe my soul, even if just for a little while. A life full of struggles, but that can end up in domestic bliss, despite everything thrown at them.

But I do also want to write stories where someone's left alone that night, and cries in grief. I want- and will- write about a man who was hardly prepared for kids, but especially not the one he ended up with. (Reference to lore I already have going...!) Stories where no one is really happy at the end, but maybe they're resigned to see it all through; until things DO get better. And sometimes... A couple is a duo who dances while the world burns around and behind them. Fully in love while their rampage eats up the world around them...

All very valid things to explore. I just realize sometimes I'm the person who wants to write my own novels, rather than write what I wish my life was like, right this moment.