#I can't interact with my source anymore. I'm scared. I'm so alone.

[brightside-brigade]

Oh good Gods I'm gonna throw up. I saw it. There's a live stream going on about it I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna unsub from that channel. It was supposed to be a safe channel. It was supposed to be silly reddit and 4chan stories.

They're talking about it. It's happening again. It was an unrelated channel. I'm not safe. It's not safe nowhere is safe. Did he know I watch? Is that why it happened? Does he know? He knows. Everyone knows. I'm not safe. There are eyes on me everywhere. Everyone knows who I am. They know when I'm around and they all want me dead.

[marengogo]

hi!!

i have some questions regarding the cake issue, i'd ask chikooritajjk, but i'm honestly terrified of them 😞

did the other members get a cake for a pre release track?

ik jin got one for 'astronaut' and jk got one for both 'dreamers' + 'seven', but those are both singles...

so imo it's a little weird that the company would get tae a cake for a 'love me again' and 'rainy days' and not just wait for his album

also i saw them talking about wasting cake, but isn't there a thing where they can have the bakery frost styrofoam so it'll look like a cake? plus the members are given cakes on their birthday and sometimes they don't eat them...

don't want to cause issues btw! if jimin really didn't want a cake, i'm fine with it bc that's his choice, i'm just confused about some things

if you don't feel like answering, you don't have to!

ik you (and other bloggers) are not chikooritajjk's mail box and if i was able to come off anon without causing myself a anxiety attack 🙃, i would definitely just ask them directly! but i also like your thoughts and opinions as well on bts and jikook related things 😊

sorry for bothering you 💜

so i see my ask was taken the wrong way 😞 just want to clear up a few things i don't hate chikooritajjk, i honestly think they're lovely and are very helpful with explaining things (streaming, bts, jikook, queer topics ect), so it does make me sad that it came across that way i'm scared of them bc i have social anxiety and really want to talk to them about things they discuss (i know, it's a me problem, got that 🫡) and trust me, it took a lot to even send that ask bc ik people don't always like answering asks concerning other bloggers wasn't trying to sabotage your friendship with them either, i follow both your blogs and love BOTH OF YOUR POSTS i sent the cake ask bc i'm genuinely confused and had some questions, and like i said ik it was more so an ask for chikooritajjk, but you have been interacting their posts and agreeing with them and i also wanted to hear YOUR OWN thoughts on it i don't mind being corrected or told i'm wrong btw, as long as someone isn't rude or disrespectful (which neither you or chikooritajjk have been btw!!) i do fear that this interaction has only reinforced my issues with interacting off anon with jkkrs though, after this i'll leave you both alone (won't send anymore asks), as that is probably you want so sorry for bothering you both, i truly did not mean to cause any discomfort or issues with my ask and probably this one.... hope you both are doing well and can't wait for more of your insightful posts! — a lost anon

Hello 🎂-Anon,

Hope you don’t mind me calling you like this, if you do please let me know.

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out the best way to tackle your Ask as I think I’ve kinda already addressed your second ask in my post this morning. See, the thing is, whoever “baked” this particular conspiracy was so successful that many are now really so convinced that the absence of said eggs, flour & milk are actually a substantial part of a lot of the evil surrounding JM. 

But let me start with the easy part of the Ask. “did the other members get a cake for a pre release track?” Namjoon didn’t get a single slice of cake from Hybe, be it pre-release or release don't worry about what the tweet says, just want you to check out the type of cakes Joonie received, if you are interested!:

Two of the cakes were given to him by separate groups of his own friends and one was sent to him by the production team of “The Dictionary of Useless Human Knowledge”.

Now, to get back to the “source of evil” topic, it is very much an issue with the way that Chapter 2 is unfolding. It’s not about eggs, flour & milk, but about the people who found a way to make you believe that eggs, flour & milk are part of the problem. It’s about not being aware of what kind of space your SM environment might have turned into, such as not knowing that Namjoon also didn’t receive a cake, because the same people who are guiding your perception are also, shaping your environment and trying to create narratives that heavily aid in hindering the gravity of real issues that the boys might be facing.

So please, if you can, forget about the cake 🎂-Anon! It’s not about wastage or the performative act, or whatever. Did JM want cake from HYBE specifically? Unless he tells us, we can’t know, I mean if you ask me, he seems to have planned his FACE WEVERSE live to a T, I really don’t think he wanted any. Anyways, what we do now know though, thanks to Tae, is that there is a high possibility he might have not wanted it. Same as Joon.

The mishandling of Chapter 2 is so Ugh! Quite literally it is as if Pandora’s Box was opened and all sorts of shit just came rushing out 😩😩😩. BUT I will address all of these in the post I mentioned that I am working on, so for now, If I could please ask you to take a second and think about the boys real quick. MEGA-Celebrities who have been in the game for 10 years (without counting pre-debut) and not only that, they are part of the biggest group on this planet, they are BIG-big, with big money, and big problems … do you see them losing sleep over eggs, flour & milk? 

Should we be? 

Hope this answers your question and I really do hope you’ll be looking forward to my post, cause, ONCE AGAIN, I REALLY CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH: There is soooooo much in Chapter 2 that needs to be address for-real-real 🤡. 

Always respectfully yours 💜🫰🏾,

Marengo.

[chrimsone]

This blog has really become some weird journal of mine, eh? What, I've realized I'll never have the social skills to get a group of people to call my own here. So might as well throw some long-winded mind-dumps out into the void. Someone might listen, don't really care if they do.

I've tried lots of things. Verbal words don't work. My mind doesn't work right in translating thoughts to the tongue. I'm lucky to have a better time typing out my brain-think than nothing at all. I've tried many a therapist. None really stuck. Just as we maybe would have gotten somewhere, something would happen and I'd just never reschedule. I've just given up on the route now.

Now on paper I tried a few. I used to draw out some feelings. Sometimes they'd be good but once I realized I just shouldn't draw I haven't tried. The bonus though is I don't cut anymore because of that. Blood really is the prettiest medium. Text is the closest I can get. I have a plethora of notebooks. Some well used, others only a few pages. The unlucky ones have many pages torn out. And the majority are completely untouched. Several books have attempted to become journals of mine. One sits to my left, a taunt to try and keep up. Otherwise, Docs carry a lot of vents. It's mostly annoying and I want to delete them. Not fun glancing at some of my saddening words when I just want to find an old story I was working on. There might be more things I've tried but they were inconsequential enough to not be worth remembering.

This came to mind recently because I had a chat with my clanmates. I've been avoiding interaction to prevent my complaining of my job. It's retail, these last two months are the worst time to be working retail, and it's most of what I can think about. Hell it's triggered a depressive episode multiple times. Can't do shit but sit and stare at the menu of my browser or steam. If I'm lucky I'll doomscroll enough of Reddit to hit either a sub in a different language or some obscure kink I haven't blacklisted yet. That's the most I amount to nowadays.

I want to write, you know I had plans to participate in NaNoWriMo? I couldn't even break 1k words on my attempt. I haven't looked at any of my other stuff. I try to think about it, and the same sentence loops in my head over and over and over and over -- as the anxiety of my next shift paralyzes me.

I spent a good chunk of this summer and fall just reading fics. Sometimes reading for the story. To see what people can do with an idea, or franchise I find interest in. I learned some things about media I'd normally never care about just because the premise of the fic seemed interesting. Learned the horrors of lust, but that's just a me thing. I tried to read with the intent of learning about writing.

Have I mentioned it before? I'm terrified to pursue a career in literature. I'm scared I'll find out I have some stupid gene that prevents me from even trying to get a good footing. I'm scared of what I might do if I ever find out. This is the last thing I'm clinging onto for some kind of future, and all that's left is hope.

So I look at how people write. I try to figure out what they do. Do they write in present or past tense? Is it better to do one over the other, or is it just preference? What habits does an individual form? How often do they repeat that?

How do I look like as a writer compared to them? Is my tense fucked up? I find myself writing in past tense, am I not supposed to? Are my patterns too obvious? Do I fall into habit too quick? Are my characters too similar? Does what I write even make sense?

I've been reading a bit again. Not much though. I feel guilty? Inferior? Frustrated. The source material has so much potential, and this is what people do with it? Hurt. I want a friend. I reached out, but all I received was a mere brush of contact. I feel alone in what remains of my passion. I try to connect with the friends I already have, but to them it's nothing more than a mere hobby. A consideration at most.

I don't tag these so I hope it doesn't show up on any radars to be honest. But I finally gave myself time to watch some of the Mandalorian. I've been wanting to, kind of. I never had any interest in Star Wars, a silly childhood trauma caused me to denounce the franchise, and by the time I no longer feared what I had, I didn't care. When the show was announced, my interest was piqued one way or the other. I always liked people who kept themselves masked up. I had no idea until what? Two years ago? But now that I've made the connection it's easy to say when that fascination pokes through. It happened with this.

I watched the first episode late at night. I had my phone on some shitty mobile game to keep my attention on. I wholly expected to not be interested. Catch onto the plot, find it boring and just watch to satisfy my niche.

Did you know that a beskar ingot disappears from Mando's hands in-between cuts in that first episode? I thought it was a CGI error in the beginning, but the way they handled the prop felt too real. So somehow in filming they forgot to tell him to hold the ingot during a set. It's only in like, the bottom left corner, barely noticeable. But I did.

I woke up the next day fully expecting to binge what I could. I watched the next two episodes after. And I loved them. The direction enamored me. It felt like something I would want to write. I desperately want to see the script for the show. How they planned out such amazing episodes. The action was entertaining, I thought to myself while watching how I could try to translate that into words. If I could.

In the opening of one of the first three episodes, I noticed a bandolier on his shin. I thought to myself, 'strange, that's not a very convenient place to stash your extra bullets.' and chalked it up to character design and left it there. Except, it wasn't I'm pretty sure, later in the same episode, he's kneeling, and using those bullets on his shin for the extra-charged sniper shot. Whatever that thing is. It all clicked and I fell in love.

And then I watched the fourth episode.

Something was off right away. He was talking a lot all of a sudden. Using more words than necessary. I thought, 'oh it's just to communicate with a child! They're still learning social skills so it's good to be thorough', but it never stopped. I noticed the show fell back into the monotony most shows have. I finished feeling gross. I didn't like the direction the story had went. I didn't like the shift from visual story telling to so much dialogue.

Would that opinion translate well to text?

The increase of work stress stopped me from really watching. I accepted that I probably won't get back to the show until after the Black Friday week. That was fine.

But I learned, the first three episodes weren't well received. It baffled me. I bet people were saying 'why not condense all that into one episode and get on with it?' I can see that complaint, and if it weren't written so well, maybe I'd agree.

I write like that. A lot of detail in a small frame of time. Those first three episodes had the style of something I would make. I'm obviously not as experienced. But I recognized the care to the small bits most overlook. Now I'm apprehensive about even finishing the show. I'll never get those three episodes back from the sounds of it. I'll never get the slow burn, minimal dialogue, action and establishing shots. It's something the people don't like.

Guess if I ever got my foot somewhere, I could change that.

One last thing before I end this month's message. Still related to writing. I applied to work for Bungie. To get out of the job I hate, and work for something I love.

At least they gave me a response.

I think that added to my depressive slump lately too. I just don't have what it takes. All I have is what? Four shitty fics posted to the public? All but one being from when I was sixteen. Everything else is in my head, with only a few being lucky enough to even get a rough draft somewhere in one of my notebooks or docs. Wonder If I'll ever get to work on a story for real.

[mochikeiji]

𝐖𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝟏𝐤! 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭 (*^▽^*) 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐝𝐨 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮!

what is this?

五月 - May

𝐆���! 𝐆𝐨! 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭 — (inspired after Go! Go! Gojou!) in celebration of this milestone this month of May, requests for the event are now open!

rules / notes

↬ Below are the listed characters that I will be writing for the event; (reminder that these are the only characters I'm currently used to. I have trouble writing for the ones that aren't in the list ^^)

Characters I accept ↴

✧ Haikyuu: Kuroo Tetsuro

✧ Jujutsu Kaisen: Ryomen Sukuna, Megumi Fushiguro, Inumaki Toge, Gojo Satoru, Geto Suguru, Toji Fushiguro, Nanami Kento, Okkotsu Yuta

✧ Yuukuko no Moriarty: Sebastian Moran

↬ For this event, I accept only; fluff, angst, hurt/comfort genres!(if ever I might add some suggestive ones, but not as far to nsfw) You may specify what kind of scene you would want to happen!

↬ Simply pick a number from the list below (maximum of 3 prompts) and 1 character of your choice.

↬ Important note: this is my very first event so I'm thinking ahead of the possible outcomes. One, is that there's a high chance I may be delayed in publishing the requests due to them being many or the usual, lack of inspiration and the right mind. Two, like anyone else, I have the right to decline a request if I cannot proceed to write or crank out an idea or generally having a hard time. I write for fun, not as an obligation. Please do not feel bad though! Your requests will serve as a suggestion that may still help me along the way ^^ please please do be patient with me as I will do my best to write for you guys. ♡

event status:

𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝!

chip chip! ˎ₍•ʚ•₎ˏ

❝coincidentally I started running this blog back in 2020 of May when I began writing once more. I didn't really think I'd make it this far despite the long hiatus run I've went through and the small amount of stories written. I've had fun sharing whatever I daydreamed every day, it makes my heart soar knowing someone finds comfort in between the words and enjoys them. It's been truly an honor writing for the enjoyment of others and to be able to have fun.

I wish to extend my appreciation and love all the way because these aren't enough to express how I feel right now. Thank you all so much for being so sweet and loving. Supporting and encouraging me all the way. Interacting with me even at the shortest time period. Every thing, I am thankful for. I hope to continue on writing and sharing my ideas for you all to find joy in and to meet more of you on this journey ♡ thank you for being one of my reasons to fall back in love of what I've lost before.❞

prompt list:

1. "You don't mean that, right?"

2. "Even in this life, it's still you"

3. "Don't lie to me"

4. "You're really pretty"

5. "Don't look at me like that"

6. "No, don't cover your smile"

7. "Can you do that again?"

8. "Say something, please"

9. "I just love you"

10. "Do you really want this?"

11. "I'm so sorry"

12. "Please don't cry"

13. "I'm always here for you"

14. "Never in my life have I loved someone this hard"

15. "I don't want someone else, I want you!"

16. "My daily dose of happiness!"

17. "Let's be greedier"

18. "I've lost so many before, I'm not about to lose you too"

19. "Do you still love me?"

20. "You think too much"

21. "Hug your boyfriend/girlfriend!"

22. "I really want to hold your hand"

23. "I don't like the way he looks at you"

24. "Stay longer"

25. "Would you notice if I was gone?"

26. "I would give up everything if it means having you by my side"

27. "Hey, look at me. Keep your eyes open"

28. "Are you jealous?"

29. "I didn't mean it"

30. "You're the only person I'd always run to"

31. "How'd you fell in love with them?"

32. "You idiot, why would you do that?!"

33. "I don't need you to solve every thing! I need you to understand!"

34. "I need you because I love you"

35. "My baby is so cute!"

36. "Let's have another one"

37. "You want to go out now? At 2am?"

38. "You make me the happiest"

39. "Promise me you'll stay with me"

40. "Wake up"

41. "Kiss me"

42. "Don't leave me"

43. "You made this for me?"

44. "Did I do something wrong?"

45. "You're too close." "I can get closer"

46. "I'll protect you with all my life"

47. "Everything I am, I own, is all yours"

48. "I didn't think it was possible to fall in love again"

49. "Mine." "I know but can you let me go?"

50. "Oh, sorry. You were so cute I had to kiss you"

51. "Do you think you'll blush more if I do this?"

52. "Why can't it be just us for once?"

53. "You're the only source of happiness I don't ever want to disappear"

54. "Stop it"

55. "Are you drunk?"

56. "You look like my husband/wife"

57. "Keep doing that and I'll marry you faster"

58. "You're squeezing me." "I just really need to hold you"

59. "I heard you like bad boys." "You have a bad personality, no cap"

60. "Give me a chance"

61. "Sometimes I wonder why I'm with you"

62. "You're nervous? Why?" "Because I really wanna be with you"

63. "Don't scare me like ever again!"

64. "I thought i was going to lose you"

65. "Let me stay for the night"

66. "Bestie please." "Who the hell is bestie? I only know baby"

67. "My world is full of color thanks to you." "I thought you ate a crayon."

68. "I'm trying to be romantic here"

69. "Someone misses me" "I really do"

70. "Can we get married now?"

71. "You looked so angry" "They hurt you"

72. "Do you see that? That there is a beauty and all mine"

73. "You smell so good"

74. "Can I kiss you?"

75. "I knew you love me!" "I do" "What?"

76. "Fess up, which one of you did this?"

77. "Pay attention to me"

78. "Believe me you have no idea how much you mean to me"

79. "Dang someone french kiss me" "Okay let's go."

80. "May I have this dance?"

81. "I'm not going anywhere"

82. "Make a wish"

83. "Wanna maybe go out on Saturday or something?" "Sure!" "Wait what?"

84. "What time is it?" "It's loving times, now come here."

85. "See this? This is my hand." "Why are you holding mine?" "It's MY hand"

86. "I hate you"

87. "What are you looking at?"

88. "Don't take anything away from me anymore"

89. "It's so good to be home"

90. "I love you!" "..." "Say it back!"

91. "I'm gonna go have a long, warm bath" "There room for one more?"

92. "Did you just take a picture of me?"

93. "Comfortable there?"

94. "Is that my shirt?" "You just want an excuse to touch me."

95. "I don't want to be alone again"

96. "It'll always be you"

97. "So poetic" "I know, I got it from google"

98. "Please, I see the way you smile at him/her"

99. "Give me some sugar"

100. "Perfect. So perfect."

— 楽しい時間をお過ごしください！

[kellbellsparkles]

A continuation/set in the same setting as Breathe (.https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/kellbellsparkles/689897379494789120?source=share) I call this one Burdened. Zack suffers from excessive hunger and is willing to do anything to get it under control, but it causes a rift between him and Cloud, so when Cloud falls ill from pneumonia and can't be seen by anyone, Zack sets out to prove he can take care of himself.

This is embarrassing to admit: I'm not allowed to be left alone anywhere anymore.

One morning, I got a call from Tifa that Cloud collapsed while out on a delivery five towns over. He had caught a bad bout of pneumonia that was going around and even taking lives. What was worse is that it was too contagious for the doctors to allow visitors. Not knowing whether he'd live or die... I thought we were past all that.

"Are you sure you don't want to come, Zack?" Tifa asked me. She made plans to book a hotel with Denzel so they could be there for his recovery.

"I think I'm better off holding down the fort," I said. "Working on self-care and all..."

"If you change your mind... If you're feeling off in any way, call us."

"Will do."

I put on a happy face and waved them good-bye. Best case scenario, standard pneumonia recovery takes a week. I could handle one week on my own no problem, I thought. I sat at the table, grabbed a pen and paper and went to town with what I could do and what needed to be done.

Meal prep.

A load of Cloud's laundry.

Plant decorating since I've heard they can be therapeutic.

Meal prep.

I wrote that twice, dammit. My stomach had taken over my writing for me. Fucking insatiable hunger. It's felt like I've been eating for two or three ever since I first woke up and saw Cloud again; a side effect from being subject to mako and Jenova cells again according to Tseng.

GRRRRURRRLLRR

"Okay, okay!" I shouted.

I stood up, clasping my hand over my monster of a black hole. It practically feels like an earthquake with each rumble. I rummaged through the fridge for my protein shake stash. Three of them do the trick for a solid hour and a half. Five for an extra thirty minutes. However, groceries weren't getting any cheaper. I try to stick with three and direct my attention elsewhere to distract my stomach until when people normally eat, but God damn, if I wait too long, my body will get tremors and scare Cloud.

It had to have been my fault his working so hard was catching up to him. Regular thyroid and insulin medication had no effect on me, so The Turks wanted to try a pill they just manufactured, but Cloud didn't like the idea of me undergoing any more experiments. We had a heated argument I prefer not to reflect on.

"We don't know what potential side effects there are. What if they make you worse?"

"Isn't it still my decision? If it saves our pantry, then it's worth it."

"No it's not!! Do you get a good look in the mirror?? The incisions and injection marks??"

"Thanks for the body-shaming. I really needed that..."

"Just listen and use your head for once! Don't go headlong on your own like this!"

"Great. Now I'm a freeloader AND an idiot."

"That's-- You're not-- I just can't. I just can't with you today."

He stormed off and went out about his delivery business; that was our last interaction. I chugged the protein shakes and made a b-line for the shower; I read that was another good way to calm down.

I ran the water and just stood under the nozzle, bowing my head to let the warmth trickle down my back. I couldn't stop thinking about him. What would I do with myself if he died and our last words to each other were filled with anger? Anger. I was just so angry. With myself. I should've been more aware and sensitive to Cloud's feelings. So stupid. Stupid body. What are you even doing? Stop being so selfish!

BAM

I had rammed my fist into my left eye without thinking about it. The knock back made the back of my head whack the wall pretty good. Then, gravity pulled me hard enough for my ass to sting upon impact. I just sat there; I couldn't believe I had done that. As the shower pierced my ear, I was taken back to when I was back flat on the ground just outside of Midgar. Cloud had woken up and made his way to me. Those sad, worried eyes... I needed to find a way to get my shit together and fast.

Since showering was a bust, I hobbled out of the tub. I could feel a head sized bump forming already, but nothing an ice pack couldn't fix. Yeowch, though, especially when getting into my clothes was a catalyst for my old wounds to show face.

My right knee in particular. While on the run with Cloud, a group of Tonberrys tried to rob us. One of them drove a knife deep clean into the kneecap, making it protrud to the other side. I probably didn't heal it right if it's still bothering me. I settled for sitting down to get dressed. Standing back up though, my knee felt ready to snap off, but hell, if I could survive Malboro breath, I could survive this. I opened that door and walked the mvp of the year walk.

Until my right foot touched the first stair.

It spun and flung me backward. All my weight went onto my right shoulder.

CRACK

I bit my tongue so hard to keep from crying out in pain, I drew blood. It sounded like a fracture for sure. As I sat up, my arm dangled in a way that it really looked like it shouldn't. Now what was I supposed to do for a whole week? Since getting up again would lead to more accident prone disaster, I figured the best thing to do was to nap on it.

So this is where things get confusing as hell: either my stomach turns into a pack of Hellhounds or it turns into battering rams ready to pound my meals out of me. My head ached and raced with the thoughts of the two possible realities: suffering here or suffering waiting in closer proximity to Cloud. I pressed my good hand against my mouth to keep the protein shakes down, but the taste of blood wasn't helping.

Water.

I SOLDIER crawled back to the kitchen. This was my last shot for today. All my training, all my fighting, all my devotion and survival into this one, final push. I let out a bellowing war cry, thrust my feet onto the floor, and rose triumphantly. Screw you, knee! But wow, was this what being high felt like? I felt great and all my pain disappeared at once. I opened my eyes and reached for the fridge handle.

"Huh?"

Something was DEFINITELY not right. Everything was in every possible shade of green. There were little light specks in the air, too. Suddenly, a little girl popped up next to me, putting dishes in the sink. She looked eerily similar to Marlene.

"Marlene? What are you doing here?"

She didn't answer me; she hummed and made her way to the dining room. I looked over and I saw the father and a mother with two other kids, one older and one just a baby.

"What...?"

They acted like I wasn't there at all, but that was the only thing unsettling. Their attire looked outdated by at least two hundred years.

"Wait..."

I ran to go outside. I opened the door and sure enough, not only was everything still green, but I had completely gone back in time: chocobos and chariots and colonial architecture.

"Where the heck am I?"

Any sensible person would stay put and wait to wake up from this pain and hunger induced dream, but I was not a sensible person. And besides, if the people were anything like the family inside the house, they wouldn't give a crap.

I walked around and realized that I had been to somewhere similar before: floating in and out of the lifestream with Aerith and Angeal as my guides. The lifestream: the planet's life force containing the memories of events and everyone who's ever lived. But why was I here again now? Was I dying again? How do I get back to the present?

"Hey Aerith?" I called out. "Angeal? I could really use your help again! What's going on?"

No answer.

"Yoohoooooo!"

I squatted to release my nervous energy; it's always done the trick before.

"If you can hear me, say Awooooooo!! Yeah! Like a puppy! Right, Angeal??"

Still nothing. I thought, maybe I'd have a better chance with a body of water. As though the planet answered my prayers, from the corner of my eye, there was an old well. My energy spurt compelled me to hop over.

"Hold on, Timmy. I'm comin' in to join ya."

I threw my legs over the hole and down I went in a streamline position.

SPLASH

I made it. I kept sinking and sinking. This well was more bottomless than my stomach, but my God, it was beautiful down there. The specks looked more like crystals and stars. Finally, I saw them. I swam as though the entire world depended on it.

"Aerith!! Angeal!! Hey!!"

They turned to greet me. I stopped and merrily waded in place; just to see and speak to them again would make this wild trip worth it.

However, their faces and bangs were the same as Jenova's. That red gleam in their eye. I suddenly felt cold, and my stomach clumped into knots that didn't even hurt. They were a weight that just sat there. I couldn't even move my limbs. Suddenly, something wetter than the water was touching me and spinning me around. It was the real Jenova, staring directly and even smiling at me. She or they... were never human. And Sephiroth called this thing his mother?

Clamp. Squish.

Something grabbed my feet and anchored them down. I looked down... Was that a heart? I looked back up and there were more Jenovas, enveloping the entire space in rows, all looking into my soul. There it all was: flashes of my mom feeding me sliced ham lathered in butter with fresh pomegranate juice, me riding on my dad's shoulders as we picked apples from the orchard, me promising to return home one day when I left to join SOLDIER...

"Ahh!!"

My arms tensed and moved behind my back on their own.

"What's--"

Jenova was smiling, her/their teeth were showing. My body became a freezer for my bones to turn into icicles. This was not normal; this was pure evil.

Crank

Above me. I looked up and saw a helmet descending towards me. I heard the same sound coming from below, too... A tube...Like an umbilical cord.

"No!! Get that thing away from me!!"

Click

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Everything went black, then white, then black again, the type of thing that needs a strobe light seizure warning. I must've been blinded because I couldn't seen anything after that. In fact, I couldn't feel my limbs, my anything at all. Was I floating or on a flat surface? All that was left was dread and regret. I had failed. I couldn't do the one thing that every human being should be able to do. I should never have fought with Cloud, then this never would've happened.

Rain.

My sense of hearing came back. I opened my eyes and I was there again; I could feel where I was, too, the Buster Sword in my hand. Something always pulled me back here. Perhaps this was a bridge between the living and the lifestream, where I was stuck for a long time. I wanted to let go as I had accepted my fate because Cloud was safe and on his way. I wanted to stay with Aerith when it was her time, but remnants of Shinra had other plans and had me deadlocked in limbo. Because Aerith had more power in the lifestream, she could send me back when I saw how bad Cloud wanted me back when I was found. Was it really okay though? Am I okay? The way I am? The way I was made?

Speak of the devil. There he was, having woken up and made his way to me.

"Zack..."

His voice was soft; his eyes were especially pleading. I know, bud. I screwed up big time. I wish I could make it up to you. I always have.

"Zack, wake up..."

"Nnnnn...?"

It had stopped raining; the sky became a ceiling. Cloud was in his present attire, looking relieved and smiling warmly.

"It's me, Zack," he said. "I'm right here."

I felt his thumbs press against my cheeks, stroking beneath my eyes. I guess I had been crying?

"Huh?" I croaked. "Cloud...? But aren't you sick?"

"Was sick," he corrected.

"But you had us worried sick for two whole weeks."

Barret was there, too.

"I should've made you come along."

And Tifa.

"I'm so sorry," she said sorrowfully.

"Why?" I mumbled, still kind of coming to. "What happened?"

"You were found blabbering and fish flopping like an overdosed drug addict."

And Yuffie. Did the whole gang really come for me?

"And your eyes turned into rave night lights," she added. "Your good eye, anyway. Your black eye emitted more like a laser."

"Do you remember who did this to you?" Cloud asked gently. Ah, geez.

"About that," I said hesitantly. "Could I talk to you alone?"

"Sure."

At the time, I didn't know if there were more people. My vision was skill kind of blah. I did hear footsteps and a door close. Cloud took my hands into his, cupping them carefully.

"So..." My voice trailed off. I had so much I wanted to say, but how to go about it without mouthing off? "I was kind of fighting... myself... My body... I hate that it's making me leech off you... That's why you got pneumonia in the first place, isn't it? You could've died..."

"You could have, too..." He sighed. "I shouldn't have snapped at you before I left. None of this is your fault. It breaks my heart when you put yourself down." He held my hands a bit tighter.

"I've had visions of you struggling to feed yourself while I was out; of you fending off the enemy all by yourself... Did you even sleep?"

"Hell," I huffed. "I don't even remember. Sure, I was hungry, but the mako and added Jenova cells kept me on my feet. I was a real beast." I let out a cackle. "Maybe I still am. I could eat everything and everyone for all we know."

Cloud shook his head.

"You would have already if that were true."

"You don't think I'll turn into a monster? That monster?"

"Absolutely not."

"You say that with such confidence."

"Because I believe in you and want to take care of you."

Did either of the party accidentally turn the heat on when they left? My cheeks were burning hot iron.

"Huh??"

Cloud chuckled and patted my head.

"You deserve to be cared for," he said.

I writhed and shuffled in the bed sheets.

"N-now wait just a minute!" I protested. "Any kind of relationship is supposed to be a two-way street!"

"I know, you dork," Cloud said playfully. "The best thing you can do for me is be careful and let us help you. Tseng, myself, and the others decided that you need at least one person nearby at all times."

"... At all times?" I repeated back. Cloud nodded, confirming I heard right.

"But falling in the shower and down the stairs weren't on purpose!"

Cloud blinked and stared dumbfoundedly.

"Wait, so that's how you hit your head and broke your elbow?"

Shit. I hid myself under the covers.

"Well, yeah... I have this old knee injury that acted up, too... It happened during that time... I used healing materia on it, but it wasn't strong enough."

Cloud moved his hands to that spot.

"Right here?"

"Yeah. On both sides. Right through the bone and skin."

"Hmmmm."

His gaze was so focused and serious. He brought his hands back to mine.

"I'll let the doctors know and I'll help you work on it when we get home," he told me.

"You really don't mind...?"

"It won't be just me; you've got an entire team behind you. If it'll really help, we can give the pill a try."

"Sweet," I said, getting some of my pep back. It looked like things were back on the upswing.

Or so I thought. After I was discharged, I wound up having an allergic reaction that made me look like I had chicken pox all over again after the first dose.

"Aw, rats," I moaned as Cloud was giving me an oatmeal back. "Back to square one."

"Even if we stay there," he said as he scrubbed my arms. "We'll make it work. Cid is working with Red XIII to ship over shares of his game. Yuffie is taking up bounty hunting on the side and sells some materia to pay for shipping and handling of groceries. She's found a crew, so she'll be okay."

"That's good..."

"Whatever Barret and Marlene don't finish, they're donating to you, and Tifa is collecting coupons for your protein drinks. Denzel is even taking up growing fruits and vegetables. Oh yeah, and the Turks package is arriving tomorrow morning including three more fridges."

Grrrrrrrglegrrrrrrrr

My stomach, ladies and gentlemen, right on cue. Cloud came prepared, popping a protein shake with a straw in my mouth.

"Exciting, isn't it, Raven?" he teased.

He even named it after 'ravenous'. An internal organ, a third wheel. Who was I? Mother Mary?

"But you'll have to be patient a while longer, for Zack's sake. You make it hard for him to sleep at night. Whether you like it or not, you're stuck together, so you have to learn to live with one another so you both can be happy."

He washed Raven next and gave it a pat. Cloud was oddly fond of giving belly rubs. I could hear Angeal laughing and cooing at me, Zack the puppy.

I'm not allowed to be left alone anywhere anymore; Cloud and I even share a bed for my safety. Granted, I kept him close by at night during the dark ages, but I never had to worry about him kicking me or punching me in his sleep. He promised me that chamomile would calm my nerves and knock me right out. After finishing, we'd laid on our sides facing each other. He'd pet me and sing me a lullaby he remembered from his mom.

Little moogle, look yonder

In the midst of the misty woods.

There be a party of Nibelungs

Offering a trade.

For your tuff of cotton,

They would part with a map and key

To trot through their gates

And bring them business gleefully.

And that was it. Lights out. Works every time. There was more to the cute little folk song of the first settlers of Nibelheim, but it was never needed. He had a lovely, velvety tenor voice.