#I can't get diagnosed with ADHD and get meds. I can't even go to the GP for fucks sake without it being insane money

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

well, shit is getting straight up untenable in Australia!

that's why we got a new bio, also because we are sick of the anon's just block us damn.

but no legit, they are fucking up the NDIS and THAT IS BAD, it's literally the only governmental support for all disabled people in Australia by the way it's the "national disability insurance scheme" aka NDIS.

so uh BAD, real bad, extremely bad, uber bad.

there's more, uh so yeah!!!! FUCK MAN.

I do hope people don't die, because this is just going to lead to people seeking help from the gov't dying in the meantime.

or if the gov't says "yeah your not disabled (is disabled) get zero accommodations loser" then well that's BAD.

I already know like tons of people who couldn't get NDIS money and they were straight up disabled, and people who desperately needed those accommodations and couldn't because the government just straight up would not listen and help them.

it's pretty fucking telling that more than half the disabled people I know in Australia literally could not get on the NDIS.

this is just making a already shit situation worse, I haven't been able to go to the dentist, GP, or the eye doctor people in more than 5 Years!!!!

FIVE FUCKING YEARS, I know people who are straight up 2 seconds away from being homeless due to not being able to work and not being able to apply to the NDIS.

like it's fucking bad, if your parents won't boot you off your centrelink you can't get your own centrelink and can't access any accomodations or disability money, if your blak (aka aboriginal) your just extremely fucked already now times that by 4.

like dude, THIS IS SHIT.

and I know disability ally's are mostly American based, but by fuck WHAT THE FUCK, THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN.

the NDIS is not perfect there's shit ton of corruption and scammers-

(I actually know a family who's like legit scamming the NDIS lol no I don't mean like "oh those physically disabled's" I mean like they are using the money on like 3d printers and shit lol they are assholes and racists)

but like, it was barely working for people before. this is going to take the people it was barely working before and fuck them over too.

it's gonna fucking suck man, I am fucking scared for everyone.

[thebibliosphere]

So, I've been getting a few "hey, so now you're fixed, you're going to write books faster now, right?" type messages, and hmmm. That's a loaded word right there. "Fixed."

Yeah, not too keen on that word.

What I assume these people mean to do is congratulate me on finding out a major cause of distress and illness in my life and offer well wishes for my continued relief and recovery. I assume that's what was really meant. But just to entertain the first part of that ask, no, I am not "fixed."

There is no "fixing" the kind of chronic illness or disabilities I have. My ailments are genetic and lifelong, and if you're new here, newly diagnosed at the start of the pandemic, so my treatment thus far has been limited. Most of it is things I have pieced together myself.

That I've been able to do anything over the last year when I suffered 215+ migraine days on top of the connective tissue disorder I have, and the other condition that causes spontaneous anaphylaxis--not to mention the unmedicated ADHD I cannot treat with meds (yet)--is nothing short of miraculous.

So, now that my migraines are improving thanks to finding out I have binocular vision disorder on top of all the other stuff, will I be writing books faster?

I can only hope so.

But I also cannot say, "yes, absolutely, one book a year from here on out," because I just do not have the physical and mental capacity to guarantee that. Nor am I going to inflict that kind of mental and physical torture on myself (again) because it's the exact kind of thing that causes my health to crash and burn. And here's the thing:

Every time I burn myself out. Every time I push myself too far to keep up, it takes longer and longer to recover. The harder I push myself, the fewer books I will produce. That's the truth of it.

So I get it, it's frustrating. You want more of the fun thing (and thank you so much for loving what I do!), but you'll have to bear with me a little bit longer.

I am finding my stride as a multiply disabled creator, and I've spent the last two years untangling the guilt and imposter syndrome I experience over being "popular" but not being well enough to produce work at the same pace as everyone else around me.

I have worked out a system that I hope will be sustainable instead of leading to the continuous cycle of burnout I was trapped in for 10+ years as an editor. I have safety nets and supports in place that I didn't have before, and hopefully, those will help too. Time will tell.

Am I excited to get back to work? Absolutely. I'm ecstatic at the prospect of having fewer migraine days and more coherent brain days. But I'm also going to take my time to enjoy the process as well. I'd like to enjoy the things I write too. And I hope you can appreciate that.

So thank you for understanding, and for your patience. If you decide you can't wait, I'll understand. But please don't send authors, even able-bodied, neurotypical ones, messages like that. It's unkind. And I don't think any of you mean to be unkind.

[actuallyadhd]

hi, sorry in advance if this isn't the kind of thing you are open to getting in your inbox, but i just don't know what to do with my feelings. i really hate my adhd. i spent my youth cruising through school and high achiever programs, being told i was going places, and nowadays i am nothing short of completely useless. i'm early in diagnosis to where i'm just starting with medication (15mg of ritalin twice a day at this stage) and haven't effects yet. it's already clear that the dose i'm going to need will be embarrassingly high.

ever since i told my friends, it's obvious that the diagnosis came out of left field for them and that they see me differently. i keep catching them giving me sympathetic looks after zoning out, fiddling with something, or presenting some other stereotypical symptom. i tried mentioning to them how i'm not getting results out of meds yet as a means of whinging since it is making me anxious and a little impatient, and their response was completely uninformed medical advice about how i should be taking them. they're also all talking about how they all probably have adhd too since we 'tend to glom together'. they're all straight-A students with no symptoms or functional issues, so i find this a little condescending. i might be imagining how they've starting talking down to me/talking slower. the diagnosis made me feel stupid enough without them acting like this, and now i just feel like a human joke.

i don't really know what the point of what i'm writing is anymore, but i'm struggling to get any assignments in, failing all my tests, my friends treat me different, my parents are unabashedly disappointed, the meds are taking too long to work, i'm lazy, dysfunctional, getting dumber every day, and my head is too fucking loud to keep living in.

i'm sick of how trying to have a thought feels like being a sentient pile of spaghetti wading through tar, and of not being able to read if my brain decides a particular paragraph is not to its liking, of not remembering anything, of struggling and not even being able to remember and articulate what with, and all the other bullshit. i probably just have to wait this out while we figure out meds, but i'm sorry for using this inbox to vent because i think that's what i'm doing as i can't really go to my friends. feel absolutely no pressure to respond, i might have just needed to wright this down and see it sent off somewhere. any advice is welcome if you have it though, lol.

Sent August 16, 2024

Oof, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. There's a lot here, so I'm going to try and go through it a bit at a time and tackle everything as I go.

First, this is absolutely the kind of thing I'm here to try and help with. No worries at all on that.

Second, this is a long one, so I'm putting in a cut.

I understand hating your ADHD. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. Reaching out for help is a fantastic way to deal with those emotions.

It sounds like you were a gifted student, and now that you have less of a schedule being imposed on you, you're struggling. That is totally normal, but it also sucks a lot.

You aren't "achieving your potential" or meeting expectations, and at this point they aren't just others' expectations, they're your own. I spent several months working through this issue years ago, and it still comes up for me regularly! The friend who walked me through it was incredibly patient with me, and their job in this case seemed to mainly consist of "why do you think you need to do this thing?" and then just continually asking why until we got to the bottom of it all.

Once you know what's at the base of the expectations, you're in a way better position to decide whether they're expectations you want to try to meet.

One of the good things about getting diagnosed is that it gives you information. Now you know why things are hard, and you can start looking for solutions that will actually work with your brain. You may find some of those solutions here, and you can always ask for help with specific issues.

Now, it's possible that Ritalin/methylphenidate isn't the right medication for you. It is also possible that the dose is too low; I don't know a lot about doses for Ritalin (I was initially put on Concerta but it was Very Bad so we switched to Dexedrine/amphetamine) but I used to know someone who took 150mg Ritalin every day, so that's a thing.

As for your friends, talk to them about how they're acting. Tell them that you don't appreciate the jokes or the different treatment. Explain that ADHD has been there all along, it just wasn't discovered earlier because your giftedness hid it. You are not a different person.

Having ADHD doesn't make you stupid. We've already established that you're gifted. I know what that's like; I was this flavour of twice-exceptional, too, and I was 28 with my ADHD was finally diagnosed. I know that doesn't help how you feel right now, but it is true.

For your school stuff, talk to your instructors about getting extensions so you can try to get caught up. Go to your school's disability services office and talk to them about what you can access in terms of accommodations. Set yourself a schedule for studying and working on assignments that you stick to no matter what.

I'm not sure why your parents are disappointed. If it's your school performance, I get it. Showing them that you're doing your best will help a lot with that. If it's the ADHD itself, that's not your fault. ADHD is hugely genetic, so it's just a thing that happens and probably you have relatives who also have ADHD, or at least people who would probably qualify for a diagnosis.

Medication can take a while to figure out, and it can be difficult to deal with waiting while you get the right medication and the right dose. At the same time, you may not notice a difference right away; so much depends on the person and the medication.

Now, you are not lazy or getting "dumber" every day. You have ADHD, which means you have executive dysfunction. That is hard because the world is not set up for people like us, so when we struggle we compare ourselves to other people and that's never a good idea.

I have a suggestion for helping you feel better about yourself, and then I have some resources for you to look at.

Start a scrapbook that's just about good things about you. Make a page for things you're interested in (or a page per interest). Do something about your favourite colour, things you have done for other people, etc. The idea is that then you can look at this book and remind yourself of the good things about who you are as a person.

As for resources, here are a couple of posts over on the main Actually ADHD site that might help with some of what you're struggling with. Most of the posts there include printables, so do have a look and see if those might help you at all.

Followers, do you have any other suggestions for this anon?

-J

[compassionatereminders]

Hi, how are you? I hope you are okay!

I'm glad you promote radical acceptance when it comes to mental disabilities. I have ADHD and it is exhausting to face constant ableism from everyone, including my family and teachers. I only got diagnosed at 22, maybe because it's less diagnosed in women. I failed in all my classes for the last 2 years straight. I love my family but I wish they could understand how hard I am trying to study and keep up with schoolwork. Everyone thinks I am either lazy or stupid. They see my symptoms and treat me as if I'm some loser.

I'm not lazy. Everyday I tell myself to exercise, study, read a book. It's like I'm mentally paralyzed. I can't make myself move a muscle. I wish people could at least understand how badly I want to be productive. And I am in treatment, and taking medication, but I can't take the dosage I need because the side effects get really strong, or maybe I'm not taking the right meds. I don't know.

And there is always the thought that I probably don't have ADHD, and I'm just lazy. It's what my parents told me so many times. And even to get a diagnosis, I had to go to 4 different people. The first three told me I have depression or anxiety and didn't even consider ADHD a possibility. Anytime I told them the meds are not working, they either upped the dosage or changed the meds or told me to just be patient. I think they also thought that I'm not accurate about my struggles.

I wrote all this because I just wanted to get it off my chest, and nobody around me in real life would understand it if I told them. I'm never going to stop trying to create the life of my dreams. I'm going to try being productive again tomorrow. Even though I failed all the times before. I know nobody will acknowledge my effort, but I'll keep trying.

Anyways, wish me luck to succeed in life! Have a good day!

The thing is, I don't think that people are just "lazy" for no good reason. I think that if you find yourself struggling to cope with life, you have your reasons for this which should never just be dismissed as pure laziness. I think we miss the big picture and reflect ableism when we reduce anyone's struggles to a question of mere laziness. And I don't think we should push that narrative on anyone, ourselves included.

[dissociacrip]

this turned into a long adhd rant whoopsie

it really does suck how people seem to downplay autism and adhd now lol. autism has been reduced to people who can mask and have low support needs and adhd hasn't really changed from its status as a joke.

i don't talk about adhd much but it probably gets in the way of me being able to function just as much, if not more than autism does (in my personal situation) when it comes to mental disability. not showering enough. not cooking. not cleaning my living space properly. forgetting to brush my teeth. dishes sitting in the sink for so long they start getting moldy. only being able to maybe do 1-3 tasks a day maximum because my brain can't organize itself enough to do more than that. difficulty committing to things and being consistent in overarching ways. being late to things a lot. highly impaired verbal recall so i forget things people say to me, forget verbal instructions, etc. on top of the other acutely stressful situations that come with memory and regulating my attention span (e.g. locking my keys in my car or locking myself out of my house when i have a very limited support network to remediate those situations.)

my meds barely touch this stuff for me and i'm not especially inclined to increase the dosage after bordering on psychosis when i was taking 40mg of vyvanse. i've just become so accustomed to living the way that i do (because my case is pretty bad afaik) so i can't just will myself to be another way. any efforts i make to change or be more organized and routine and consistent end up getting dashed away because i just cannot do it lol. my shit just doesn't work. adhd is a massive barrier between me and being a functioning person or being able to take care of myself. i'm pretty sure would still be a "gross" and unpalatable disabled person even if my muscles worked and i didn't have POTS/etc. that also get in the way of my hygiene and the cleanliness of my living space.

that doesn't even go into how other people react to it. a good chunk of physical and verbal abuse i faced from my family as a child was related to my adhd symptoms. i was diagnosed at a young age but my parents "forgot" it happened and it was never addressed otherwise. i got constantly called disgusting for my hygiene problems and was threatened with violence over it (on top of the times where i was actually getting assaulted.) people take my impaired verbal recall and lack of impulse control irt accidentally cutting people off or interrupting them personally, accusing me of not caring enough when it's something that is extremely difficult to be aware of or manage when adhd is a condition that distinctly involves impaired awareness of your own behavior.

so when i see shit like "just set alarms" or anything else that amounts to "you're not trying hard enough" or adhd not very much being a disability, especially when it's coming from other people w/ adhd, it kinda makes me wanna stab things with knives.

sure, it's not the worst condition ever, but just like most other disabilities, the way it affects everyone who is it is different and some are gonna be able to manage it better than others. sure, there a lot of really fucking annoying people (usually able-bodied) w/ adhd on social media that have large platforms and who very often profit from or encourage liberal pop psych bullshit when it comes to adhd, but it's still very much a disability. it can affect hygiene. it can affect employment or otherwise means of earning an income. it can affect our social lives and whether we have a support system. it can affect whether someone can keep their house from getting infested with bugs or mold. it is very much something that causes dysfunction in ways that aren't nearly as cutesy as the little comics you might see on instagram are drawn.

just remember that.

[omniseurs-blog]

My YouTube comment reposted - mental illness, schizospec, psychosis, ADHD, distrust of doctors, rage/anger vent, loss of childhood, drug use

I was diagnosed with emotional behavioral disorder NOS and ADHD at 4, depression at 10, schizophrenia at 14, changed to schizoaffective bipolar and PTSD at 15. Here's my (and my family's) story.

Before any of my immediate family was born, my paternal great grandpa was... "Quirky", aka delusional and had hallucinations, and my great grandma refused to get him help, because it meant institutionalization or lobotomy. She never told her kids (my paternal grandpa) about it, they simply divorced when the kids were old enough to work. This is still all I will ever know about my great grandpa. My grandpa had his first psychotic break in his 20s or 30s (all I know is my grandma saying he's been insane for a long time, which is why she divorced him) and hid it well enough until his 50s where he was institutionalized and diagnosed "early onset dementia without Alzheimer's features" or something along those lines, he used to call my dad up all the time talking about the mafia and how my mother was poisoning him. My father had his first break in his 20s as well after the birth of my older brother and the death of his brother, but he didn't get treatment until his 30s well after my mother divorced him when I was 3. For a long time I didn't know a single thing about him besides what my mother told me, "he's abusive, he's evil, he's crazy, he's a terrible person" (my mother got diagnosed with BPD recently, so I don't even know if those were lies or not), but one thing she did teach us was that he was schizophrenic.

And then there's me. I was a shy kid, never trusted anybody, didn't play, didn't socialize, took a long time to start speaking, and... Held a very negative view of schizophrenia all the way until I was diagnosed. I was put on ADHD meds at 4, 20mg of adderall, the same age I was diagnosed. I began hallucinating full visible dead and bleeding people because of them and I had paranoia of being followed and watched. My mother did warn the psychiatrist that schizophrenia ran in the family, but my psychiatrist just raised the dose higher, this time 30mg of Ritalin, and put me on risperidone, 5mg... I hallucinated even worse, had crying fits from the delusions, but I was completely and utterly zombified. Why was I zombified on "such a low/starter dose"? Because I was a maybe 60lb F O U R (4) year old. Since the hallucinations and delusions didn't stop, and my mother insisting that I had schizophrenia, the doctor ensured my mother "children can't have schizophrenia" and diagnosed me emotional behavioral disorder NOS, switched me to Vyvanse at 25mg, and switched my risperidone to a common antidepressant I can't remember the name of (Prozac?). Of course, I was perfectly happy then, absolutely off the walls running around, wandering around, all that, so the SCHOOL system said they were going to call CPS because they didn't believe my parents were giving me my medications... Which meant they were the ones dishing out my medications to me and I missed the doses I was supposed to take before bed.

Thankfully, we ended up moving when I turned 10, and the new school never threatened CPS or demanded proof I'm taking my meds, so on my own account, I quit my own meds. I went unmedicated aside from taking a different antidepressant (genuinely can't begin to guess the name) around 12-13. I completely forgot I had any mental illness other than obviously having attention problems, fidgeting more than everyone else, severe anxiety that I thought was normal, and frequent nightmares and bedwetting, and a lack of awareness that I didn't fit in with others (mostly because I didn't have the urge to socialize with anyone). Then... the teenage years hit. My brother was experimenting with dr*gs, weed, LSD, computer duster, m*th, all of the dr*gs that were said to be bad in dare, and I did them too. We got past computer duster and weed, my brother got into worse drugs, new years swung around at 14 and they had some "high quality acid" that turned out to be NBOME, or fake bitter acid that makes even the most mentally stable freak out.

New years 2015, I was 14 years old, we took the fake acid, all 6 of us. People became manifestations of my mental illness, my brother was ADHD, his friends sister was depression, his best friend was anxiety, his best friends gf was PTSD... And his friend was schizophrenia. I was only diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. The TV was talking to me, the music was about me, the universe was going to collapse if I made the wrong move. Sure, a bad trip is a bad trip, but the bad trip didn't end after 12, 24, 48 hours, a week, 2 weeks, a month, 5 months, a year, 2 years, 4 years. 4 years is what it took to START recovering, dozens of different combinations of meds, 20 hospitalizations, 4 different hospitals, 3 different states, countless amounts of doctors, and 3, going on 4, disability applications. From 10th to 12th grade, I missed an average of 100 days per year, had a 0.0gpa, and just barely graduated through GED while experiencing active psychosis

What could've been diagnosed at age 4, what I could've been properly medicated for, what didn't take a genius to figure out. 14 to roughly 18 were all a delusional mess, I'm 23 now. I still act like a 14 year old because... I'm still there. I should still be a kid.

[kaonarvna]

Going through so much right now. Barely have the capacity to do much of anything aside from work and take care of myself and my spouse.

Autistic burnout is truly a cruel mistress. As is having undiagnosed ADHD, knowing what your unmet needs are, and not having the means to access the support you require.

Big vent below. Workplace ableism. ADHD/AuDHD vent.

My spouse is quitting his job again. It happens every year. We've only just now realised "oh my god, it's the autism. It was always the autism" for why he keeps hopping.

He's leaving the current job because they're failing to give him what seems like the most basic accommodations (written instructions, scheduled meetings/literally any notice instead of impromptu "informal chats" in hallways with no record, basic empathy).

He's being told off for "speaking too loudly" and "speaking too enthusiastically" even though all he's talking about with his colleagues is work. They took away his office to turn it into a meeting room, forced him into the communal office space, and have now told him to stop talking to himself or his colleagues.

It's heartbreaking. It's been slowly creeping in for months and it's taken too long for us to realise "oh my god, you need a diagnosis, this is just fucking discrimination, you need formal accommodations and support".

So he's off on the sick now because his stress has become so severe that he just can't function. Before he got the sick note he'd come home and crash every day, and dreaded going to work. He role-played being a warhammer 40k servitor (lobotomised and obedient worker drone, basically) to help him get through the day of staying quiet and doing nothing but work. He'd come home and need so much sensory input and support. And he slept so much, and so poorly. He started to "fail the speech checks" (massively miss social cues and say the wrong thing) with colleagues at work, and came home embarrassed in ways he never was before. He's a very very social animal, and didn't think he had social difficulties, but now he's so worn down that he's realised he does.

He can't mask anymore. He's so tired.

And now that he got that sick note, and plans to leave, he's not dreading waking up each day nearly as much. He's still in the sensory sock every day, and he's still sad and overwhelmed, but he's feeling better.

We've started the process of getting him a diagnosis, but it's going to take months and months and months. We don't really have months. We're going to start applying for new jobs for him, and hopefully get him out of labs. You'd think a chemical laboratory would be the perfect place for an autistic man who loves STEM, but management has always made it unworkable for him. He's always slowly forced out.

And I can barely take care of him, between working full time and having EDS. And I've finally realised I desperately need that ADHD diagnosis, and I need meds. I haven't felt like a person in so long. I haven't felt like myself in years. I feel like this abstract creature inside this horrible prison, and the controls don't work anymore.

Every mental health professional I've seen has asked me, "Have you ever been assessed for ADHD? You've already adopted all the coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes I could recommend. I can't diagnose you, but yknow, think about it."

I've always suspected it. I know I'm autistic. All signs point to ADHD too.

I looked back on every stimulant I've put in my body, and realised that all of them made my brain emptier. They all gave me more control. I was always more able to make choices and act upon them. But I used to associate that with the pain relief (think kratom, nefopam, etc) not the stimulant.

So when I got my pain mostly under control, and I manage it now, I couldn't figure out why I still had so little control over myself.

It's the fucking ADHD.

How much time have I lost to being undiagnosed and unmedicated? How much of my life has slipped down the drain while I paced back and forth, or laid in place "stuck", or ping ponged from incomplete task to incomplete task until I crashed? How much more pleasure could I have experienced if my brain wasn't full of constant noise and thirty different versions of the same thought?

How much have I hurt myself by going "you're fine, you don't need meds" for so many years?

I don't know how long it's going to take to get diagnosed. I've started the process and now we just...wait. But all the evidence points to "yes", and that "meds will probably work and make a massive difference for your quality of life". I might get to be a person someday, or at least a more fulfilled creature.

[akajustmerry]

anyway, update on my harrowing journey through the australian psychiatry system to be prescribed adhd meds: my psychiatrist is refusing to prescribe me any adhd medications because he suspects i have a heart condition. my doctor tried to explain to him that i do not have any personal health history of that and there is no need to be this cautious. but the psych is refusing to prescribe until my heart is given the okay from a cardiologist. i saw my doc a month ago and she sent a referral to the cardiologist. TODAY, i recieved via fucking LETTER that the cardiologist will not see me until february 27th NEXT YEAR. Bear in mind i was diagnosed back in may and told by the assessor ON THE DAY that i should be medicated immediately given my depression. it is OCTOBER and i won't see a cardiologist for 4 MONTHS and then i will probably have to wait months to see the psych again after that. i've been crying all day. this is so shit this is literally been the worst year for me mentally since 2015. i need a job? can't get one! need meds? can't get them! need money?? see point one! need a body that isn't barrelling towards worse and worse hormonal issues for no reason? can't have that either. and then there's [gestures vaguely in Arab]. like idk i am so tired and i don't even feel like i have the right to be cos how can i even be so tired from having Literally Nothing Going On

[fbfh]

OOOOOH BOY chat we are COOKED!!!!! my insurance is being a little fuckin bitch about covering my adhd meds so I'm out and I have to self medicate with caffeine so espresso!op is back!!!! /lh

anyway almost done with season 3 of young royals and I'm thinking about August falling SO hard and fast for adhd!reader. you are the only person at hillerska who sees through his bullshit and calls him out on it and he HATES it and he can't fucking stay away from you. after you've been together for a while (people still marvel at how weirdly good you are for each other) you seem a little off, and finally fess up to him that there's a shortage of your adhd meds bc assholes keep abusing them or faking adhd to get it as a study drug (you are unaware that august is one of said assholes) so of COURSE he plays it off like "omg how could someone do that!!! that's just awful!!!!"

so despite his historical patterns of self centered douchey behavior and decisions he actually DOES care about you. there's this tiny little redeeming part within him that wants to be good. like lilo and stitch. dating august is like lilo and stitch and I will not elaborate further. anyway he genuinely does his best to help you out until your meds are filled again. he helps you with chores and laundry and stuff (calls in a cleaning service) makes sure you have grab and go meals (orders you a meal prep service and catering from your favorite restaurants) and helps you find your stuff (follows you around and keeps your keys wallet and phone on a shelf high enough for you to not reach that way you don't misplace them again). he listens to you ramble when you're feeling hyperactive and chatty, he lets you lay on his lap and watch bits of dust float through the air for hours on end when you're feeling inattentive. if you need to stim he'll take you to some indoor gymnastics trampoline park thing and let you go nuts, and if you use caffeine to self medicate when you're off your meds by GOD he will have espresso and energy drinks on tap for you. he won't mind when you wake him up at night because you can't sleep or keep moving around because you can't get comfy, he'll make sure you get where you need to go on time and act as your personal human planner. even if he needs to pick you up and carry you (which he will if necessary), he won't let you start stressing out about forgetting stuff. if you feel bad about it at all, if you feel like you're asking too much of him or being a burden, he will shut that shit down so fast. it's hard work, but he wants to do this, he wants to take care of you. he still won't tell you that he had a faking adhd for meds phase, but after seeing what you go through, he vows never to take prescription stimulants again. he'll make sure no one else in his circle does either - except vincent, who's actually diagnosed and has to regularly remind August that he is in fact supposed to be taking adderall whenever it comes up. August has so much more respect for you and for neurodivergent people in general after that. he didn't think karma really existed before, but he sure as fuck does now, and he might think a little more about tempting her by doing something douchey next time. even if he doesn't, he has you to keep him in line.

[goodluckclove]

My Medical History: A Comedy of Errors

This is long as shit but since it's finally sort of resolved itself I figured it'd be worth documenting. Strap in, folks.

Me, age 12: I have Experiences

Doctor: You're schizoaffective you need many pills.

Me: Sure, I guess.

Me: Dad I experience these kinds of things being schizoaffective.

Dad, also schizoaffective: Huh I relate to none of that.

Me: Should we look into that discrepancy further?

Dad: Nah.

Me: Mom I forgot to take one of the seven medications I'm on for over a month and felt no effect from not taking it. Is there a chance I'm potentially on too much medication?

Mom: You need to take all the pills the doctors give you.

Me: I'm on more Seroquel than both you and Dad combined and have been since I was 13 is that bad?

Mom: No it's normal and good, actually.

Me: I have nothing to compare this too and if I disagree too hard with you I might be left to fend for myself in the wilderness like a newly-stray cat.

Different Doctor: I don't think you're schizoaffective because you were way too young to show signs when you were diagnosed.

Me, age 17: Oh? What do you think I am?

Different Doctor: No idea. Moving on!

Therapist: You aren't bipolar.

Me, age 18: What am I, then?

Therapist: Probably nothing. It really doesn't matter.

Me: I don't know what to do with that information.

An additional doctor: Yeah, I agree with that doctor you saw almost a decade ago. I don't think you're bipolar.

Me, 26, very tired: Okay.

Additional doctor: You're too traumatized for me to diagnose, though.

Me: Uh-huh. That's - fine. I guess.

Additional doctor: Here are some anti-psychotics though.

Me: These anti-psychotics make me throw up at least once a week can we switch to a different kind?

Additional doctor: Eh I don't know. They're not making you psychotic so it's probably fine.

Me: cool okay

Me: Hey I was on 900mgs of Seroquel from ages 13-21 do you think that could be a bad thing for me health-wise?

A doctor, at some point: It is a medical improbability that taking that much of that medication for that long didn't give you diabetes.

Me: Great. Love that for me.

Me: Therapist I need a diagnostic I'm losing my mind.

Therapist: I'm reading your diagnosis and you actually don't meet the basic clinical criteria for really any mental illness.

Me: ??????? cool

Therapist: You might have ADHD though.

Wife: You absolutely have ADHD.

Me: Can I get treated for ADHD please?

New psych: I can't treat you for ADHD if you're diagnosed as bipolar.

Me: I have had multiple doctors say I'm not bipolar. I have a diagnostic that says I'm not bipolar.

New psych: Someone at some point said you were bipolar.

Me: I was 12.

New psych: Either way. Also this diagnostic you took says you have BPD.

Me in my next therapy session: Hey uh Therapist when were you going to tell me I have BPD?

Therapist: You...don't? You don't have that.

Me: My psych said the diagnostic you sent her shows I do.

Therapist: She apparently doesn't know how to read the diagnostic then because that's - um. Incorrect.

Wife: You need to stop telling new psychs you were ever diagnosed bipolar it's clearly making them biased.

Me: That feels like denying medical people medical information they need for medicine.

Therapist: I agree with Wife actually.

Me: You - really? Fuck. I mean, okay.

Me, in an intake appointment: I was never diagnosed bipolar.

Current psych: Uh okay.

Me: I'm lying.

Current psych: Oh. Oh?

Me (Sobbing): I'm so sorry I'm lying I just lied.

Current psych: It's okay. You're - um -

Me (Weeping, shame spiraling): You seem so nice -

Current psych: Wow. Wow you are struggling.

Few Sessions Later

Current psych: Yeah you could have ADHD. Probably wanna be careful though because ADHD meds can cause mania in bipolar people, so even though you haven't really shown any signs of bipolar or schizophrenic symptoms we should still air on the side of caution.

Few More Sessions

Current psych: Ah yeah you're super ADHD. That makes sense and surprises nobody.

Me, 27, lying face-down on the floor: rad hooray for medicine.

[scarefox]

That false diagnosis is triggering and disappointing me so hard. It literally just proves that this therapist already coined me since day 1 and didn't budge and rather saw all my attempts to deny her idea as prove that she's right.

I told her so much of my worries, fears, potential adhd & autism symptoms, why I am cautious with other people out of fear of very realistic dangers, all the shit why I am in burnout, intrusive thoughts, depressive thoughts, selfharm thoughts I had during my lowest times, that I am even afraid to fall back into that spiral, all my physical anxiety symptoms

Just for her to basically diagnose me with: doesn't want to work, judgemental and envious of others, complains about too much work when it's normal workload, passive aggressive, unjustified complains of feeling misunderstood and mistreated, hates authorieties, tries to find excuses to not hold deadlines or manipulates work

How do you even defend yourself against that, when defending and complaining is part of the criteria to not take you serious???

I already lost trust to that therapist halfway through the clinic stay but ... this wow. I don't know how to look at her next Thursday when I have to go to her again to get my meds.... I will try to tell her that I disagree with that diagnosis. But I doubt she will change it. Fellow therapy mate got the diagnosis for borderline in the beginning but at the end the therapist said she's not seeing it anymore but won't change it because her coworkers would think she's a bad therapist for taking that back.

I would understand a diagnosis for avoidance personality disorder for me BUT NOT basically passive aggressive lowkey narcissistic simulant who's not as nice as they pretend to be wtf?? (despite this diagnosis being outdated and can't be diagnosed during depression!)

Why is she so obsessed with making us victims (not just me but others in my therapy group) into perpetrators and slacker??

Like every time one reported about feeling shit and overwhelmed, she came with "but have you thought about how your partner feels when you act like that?"

Or me literally diagnosed with social anxiety and with bullying experience got "actually when you are scared of people you are judging them before knowing them, you make them into perpetrators before they ever harmed you".

I mean I get the point of that mental image, but I feel like she actually believes that anxious people are all resentful haters under a nice mask. Yes I told her that I wear a mask in public but to hide my fears, depression and social confusion not my secret hate and spite I have for everyone!

[ron456]

ADHD/ Neurodiversity rant, Ig?? (TLDR at the end)

I feel like I've definitely went through some character development over the years but especially when I learned more about my ADHD.

They don't really give you that much info when you get diagnosed, I feel (I got diagnosed pretty young at like 7-8 and started taking meds when I was about 9 years old, I think).

And I started learning more about it in, like, middle school and it was wild to figure out that I wasn't alone in these experiences I was having like RSD (AND THE RSD CHEST PAIN- I WAS LIKE "OTHER PEOPLE WITH ADHD FEEL THIS TOO?!?"), Sensory issues (I get pissed if I get overstimulated and it was a relief to find out that other people feel like that too), skipping lines when I read and getting headaches while reading even though I wasn't dyslexic (Convergence insufficiency), being uncoordinated (my handwriting always going upwards instead of in a straight line, having trouble with using keys, or getting food all over myself when I ate) , problems with emotional regulation, etc.

Shout out to people on tiktok/youtube who have info on ADHD like: Connor DeWolfe, Ethan Nestor & Markiplier (not really their main content but they both do have it and occasionally talk about it. Ethan has the hyperactive type and Mark has the inattentive type), Olivia Lutfallah (her ADHD simulators are SO ACCURATE- And she has AuDHD so she has some stuff about autism too, I believe)

I remember I felt sorta daunted at first to realize I was way different than my peers than I first thought

and I had that sorta grieving process that people get when they get diagnosed later in life even though I had already been diagnosed

Like, "Damn. If only my past-self had known that. Maybe I could've shielded her from getting hurt."

But also, knowing more helped me move forward with more of a plan, I guess

Can't accommodate to yourself if you don't know what to accommodate to, right?

Anyways, I'm saying this because I think it's so important that people be taught more about Neurodiversities

Kids, parents, teachers, etc. should all be more informed because it saves a lot of confusion and pain for people in the long-run

Cuz a kid won't know that they have a different brain because that's all they've ever known. Sorta reminds me of the quote:

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

But yeah, if it hadn't been for my second grade teacher who noticed that I was coming home with classwork and who didn't think I was just being lazy, I don't know if I would be here, today, to be honest.

All it takes is one person to notice the signs of neurodiversity and speak up to change someone's life for the better

which is why I always try to educate my friends on this kinds of things so that they can be more helpful and understand of people with neurodiversites and of themselves if they realize they have a neurodiversity

Also, I write about this because I used to find characters like Mable Pines and Steven Universe annoying until I realized they exhibited ADHD symptoms and there was probablyyy some internalized ableism in my mind as a kid. I was able to watch the shows with these characters in them as a teenager and realize how much they characters were like me! And I loved them for it! It's really cool to see how much my knowledge and acceptance for my ADHD has grown as I've grown!

Anywayssss, that is all. I'm on my meds rn and I had some motivation so decided to talk about this hehe. I gotta get ready for some babysitting rn lmao.

TLDR; People should be educated more on the signs of Neurodiversities so that people can get the help they need sooner instead of thinking they are "Wrong", "stupid", or "broken". I bolded some cool resources for more ADHD (and some other Neurodiversity) info and a cool quote :)

[nokingsonlyfooles]

How D'ya Like THEM Apples?

So, trying the decriminalized mushrooms in tiny doses for the ADHD (because, in my particular situation, going to a doctor for this might be hazardous to my health in general). The first time I took them before bed, with chocolate, and that upset my stomach a little so I decided to take them with breakfast like they suggested in the instructions (not really a breakfast person). Not an improvement, they upset my stomach more and made me anxious all day yesterday. Can't know if I'm getting used to them or I need to figure out the best way to take them.

Still slightly anxious today, but able to roll with it.

So, here's the deal. A while back, the spouse and I discussed what the prompt "imagine an apple" gets you, in your brain. He can imagine an apple at will. I found out, I can't. I need context. What's it for? Do you want my culture's Platonic ideal of "apple" or are you going to the store and you need to know what's a good one to buy? Do I need to get taste and texture involved here or is it more like set dressing? With some context, I can kinda get you an apple, but it's indistinct.

And I thought, "Ahaaa! That's that 'imagination deficit' they want to see to diagnose the autism. That's what that is! I can't cough up unlimited specific apples without specific contexts for each one, and even then it's not so good!"

But, after that first microdose, while heading off to sleep, I thought to myself, to pass the time, "Hey, wonder if I can imagine an apple any better?" And, uh, I COULD? Unlimited specific apples, no context. I mentioned that to the spouse, and he said, "Can you still do it now?" And, yes. Yes I can. +/-36 hours away from the second tiny dose of mushroom, and I can give you unlimited specific apples, if you need me to imagine that for some reason.

And... It kinda feels nonsensical that I couldn't do that before? Yeah, apples. There's lots. Just pick one. But I know I couldn't. Not even for the sake of a person who would be satisfied with any imaginary apple. Like, I could imagine the shittiest apple and that would be fine, it would be a judgment free zone! But I remember I couldn't do it. I needed a better prompt.

That thing with the apples is not something I've heard about for ADHD, but I did just barely get an internet diagnosis on that (thanks, @kithpendragon), and I only ordered the stuff because my THC vendor has it. I need the THC to keep from waking up from the edge of sleep with a gasp and heart palpitations, fearing to be harmed. If you spend $200 and stock up, they send you more THC as a surprise! That's a good deal! I like not having panic attacks! For months at a time! I'm not liking the stomach ache and anxiety from the mushrooms, but this thing with the apples makes me feel functional and cool. I don't wanna lose that!

I'm kinda concerned I'm gonna end up doing a real Flowers for Algernon here if I can't tolerate the mushrooms, or they go illegal again because politics. Like, I'm not sure how well the brain differences will play with my creativity and productivity. I need to draw things and go shopping and make dinner, ya know? Lots of different stuff. I seem to be able to do laundry and write a long-ass Tumblr post, but I need long-term data on that. In any case, five days a week is the maximum recommended dose and I gotta take breaks or I'll build up a tolerance.

I may end up looking forward to my meds like that one Tumblrite in my feed the other day, even if they make my stomach hurt! Or I may end up trading one kind of imagination for another and going back and forth indefinitely. I'd prefer the former, but I gotta wait and see.😅

[alter-eden]

28 December 2024, Saturday

Dear Diary,

I'm Eden. Though that's not my real name. My real name means 'Angel'. I always found that funny. My mom used to joke around that i should have been named Demon instead. I was always a naughty kid and then ended up a rebellious teen. Not rebellious as in drugs, alcohol and partying though. I never had much friends and i don't like leaving the house. Just shouting and fighting with my family. Also not doing my schoolwork and stuff but i always got excused because I was a smart kid.

Unfortunately, you don't stay a big fish in a small pond for long. I'm Indian so unlike others, we don't have to write an essay and submit applications for college. Extracurriculars don't matter. There's one nationwide examination for your particular field. I'm preparing for JEE which is an engineering exam that each year around 1,400,000 students give.

Unlike school, my prep for this was going absolutely shit. I never "studied" in school, used to just get good grades because it was all easy. But Jee prep wasn't easy. I was scoring less than 90/300. Used that 'gifted kid burnout' whatever excuse. I then got diagnosed for ADHD two months ago. Meds work now but I have no time left. The exam's in a month. My score has increased to 130/300 but it's still shit. If I don't qualify, i'm going to be....well, nothing. My parents aren't rich. They don't have enough money for a private college unless they take a loan. Even if I qualify for a student loan, there's no guarantee I will get a job to repay it if I go to a private college (they're shit). My life's basically finished. Would need to take a mediocre job and marry some random guy to get me 'settled'. I wouldn't have to do that if I was rich. I could take a gap year but I fucking hate the thought of it. No one in my family had to take one. It's better than making my parents take a loan but I will be the fucking laughingstock of the family. And if I still don't qualify.....I will probably jump a building, I'm not even joking.

I feel so fucking anxious all the time. I keep overdosing the adhd meds hoping it would make me magically ...i don't know..normal. It's the one month that's going to predict the rest of my life, isn't that fucking fun?

The fights keep gettign worse. I shout at my mother, She shouts back. We ignore each other. I can't bring myself to apologize and feel like fucking killing myself because I need her. I don't want to fight with her but I just feel so angry all the time. I really feel like a fucking demon.

[vidcurious]

Not really a Sims focused post but somehow this niche blog has more followers than my main lmao

I can't sleep and I'm thinking about how my hyperfixations changed since I started taking ADHD meds around a year? ago. And just, hyperfixations in general.

I've had hyperfixations since as long as I can remember, long before I even knew what they were or that there was even a word for it. Even as a kid I would get so fixated on something that I'd spend all my free time analyzing it, writing fanfics, scouring the internet in the glory days of AOL and Geocities/Angelfire/etc fan sites, making fanart and trying to surround myself with it as much as I could. Things I love would (and still do) seep their way into my own characters and stories in the form of inspiration or references.

I have a huge love/hate relationship with hyperfixations. I love having them because I'm just generally passionate about things I love and that goes into OVERDRIVE when a hyperfixations hits. I love having something that occupies my mind and gives me that rush of inspiration and adrenaline, especially when I'm able to draw or write about it. However, throughout my life it's always been seen as a negative thing to people in my life. Having people say "is this your obsession of the week" or implying that once I'm "over it" I won't like the thing and I'll move on to something else.

Which brings me to the other reason I hate hyperfixations. I hate the guilt and feeling of abandonment? when I feel it start to fade, or when I feel myself being drawn to something else. I hate the lingering worry that people won't think I'm a "real fan." I'm sure these feelings are due to people making me feel self-conscious about it throughout my life, and it's still something I struggle with.

It's so rare for me to permanently lose an interest. When a hyperfixation goes dormant it doesn't mean I love the thing any less. I've realized that, nowadays, I try to keep my hyperfixations to myself (mostly IRL) and not make it obvious what I'm currently focused on. I find myself feeling nervous and mildly ashamed to share my hyperfixations with people close to me IRL. And it frustrates me that I feel that way.

I suffer quite a lot from imposter syndrome and rejection sensitivity so I'm sure that plays a big part.

But on to how my meds affected my hyperfixations. When I first got diagnosed with ADHD and meds were discussed I was so afraid I would lose my ability to hyperfixate on things. It's always been that I fixate on something, it lasts generally from a month to three months until my focus shifts to something else. I've never really been able to hyperfixate on more than one thing. But since I started taking meds I find I not only can hyperfixate on more than one thing at a time, but they're lasting so much longer. It's like they're not going dormant like they used to. There's a period where the focus and obsession is at its peak and then it dwindles down but still sticks around while something else takes focus. And where a hyperfixation would normally last three months or so, now they're just... There. I've been focused on The Sims and Jem and the Holograms since I started taking meds, and they occupy my mind all day on rotation alongside more recent hyperfixations like AMC's Hell On Wheels and my own characters. If I had a single micron of free time in my life right now I guarantee every second of it would be spent doing fanart or fanfics lol.

ANYWAY it's past 5am and my eyes are sizzling out of my head. Thank you for coming to my insomnia ramble.

[iplaywithstring]

In 2020 my daughter (then 13) told me she had been looking at some stuff and she thought she might have ADHD. I had not considered this possibility before she brought it up, but with about 5 minutes of reflection, it made sense. We were already running on the assumption that my husband (her dad) has ADHD and our home had a lot of adhd-friendly ways of doing life and honestly some signs (time blindness, fidgeting, hobby-hopping, distraction) were overlooked.

Being that it was 2020, everything was slowed down and backed up, but being people with privilege, we were able to pay for a private psychologist to do a full assessment. It took about 3 months and ended up with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis and an evaluation that boiled down to "she probably has ADHD but she does really well in school so deal with the anxiety first and see if that fixes things". Took that to our GP, who basically said "I don't know what to do with this" and prescribed Prozac, which increased her anxiety so we stopped it and asked for a referral to a psychiatrist.

It took almost 18 months to get the appointment - meanwhile she had no supports, no treatment, and no follow up from her GP. At that appointment, the Dr revised her diagnosis - she absolutely has ADHD, but she's good at school, so no need to treat it. However, because she didn't respond well to the prozac and she "gets really sad sometimes" (that was actually the question he asked, no probing, or clarifying, just "do you feel really sad sometimes", to a 15 year old!), prescribed a mood stabilizer because she might have a mood disorder (bi-polar disorder). My husband (who was there for the appointment - I wasn't able to go) was so shocked and confused he just said thank you and left.

We did not fill the prescription for the mood stabilizer. No issues with taking medication when needed, but she showed no signs of excessive mood swings - she had also just had her first break up a couple weeks before the appointment. While waiting for the follow up (where I planned to advocate for treatment for the actual thing he said she had, not the theoretical maybe thing she might struggle with) I saw ads for a private clinic specifically for ADHD diagnosis and treatment. I was nervous - I've got medical trauma (it comes with chronic illness) and did not want to be seen as shopping around for pills for my kid, or ignoring medical advice, or any of the other things that would make getting her treatment more difficult.

So my husband went first - made an appointment, filled out the forms, got a diagnosis and treatment plan. It was so easy and affirming and validating for him, and since starting the treatment he's been so relaxed! He might also be able to stop his anxiety meds (he also has a GAD diagnosis, which might be wrong based on how inattentive type ADHD works).

My daughter had her first appointment this week, it felt so good. She was heard and understood. Her experience and struggles weren't overlooked. She was validated. The NP doing the appointment even mentioned how it's harder for intelligent kids to get diagnosed because they are able to mask so well and too many people just look at school performance. She has a follow up next week to go over a treatment plan. The NP even said she would look at medications not in pill form as my daughter has issues swallowing pills.

I can't express how excited I am. She's 16 now, in grade 11, and things have been so much harder on her in the last year. I'm hopeful that between the treatment plan and coaching, the transition to university will be gentle and she won't face the same breakdown so many people (especially women) with ADHD go through in early adulthood. I'm hopeful this will help her to see her strengths and to not feel so overwhelmed and broken most of the time.

It took far too long and was much more difficult (and expensive!!!!) than it should have been to get to this point, but I am so glad we have a plan now and that she feels good about it!