#I can't even have a normal day without thinking about it!!! it's so deeply engraved into my thoughts

[angered-box]

im trying to not let this hurt me as much as it actually will. I don't want to be depressed over a stupid game.

[dialovers-lover-xoxo]

Subaru's relationship alphabet! Other diaboys linked at end!

Under a cut cuz it's long

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Alphabet Credit: @snk-warriors

A - Activities (What activities do you do as a couple with him?)

There aren't really activities you do with Subaru. You'd walk in the garden and throughout the mansion but Subaru would rather just take a walk and talk. You might be able to get him to do other things like at the vandead carnival and he'd probably end up enjoying it and even suggesting things but he'd never admit to it.

B - Beauty (What physical attribute do they admire about you?)

Your face. He often stares because he's so in awe at how beautiful you are. Your chest, not because of your breasts (though also that) but because it's where your heart is.

C - Comfort (How would they comfort you when you're upset or having a panic attack?)

Subaru panics and believes he's at fault

D - Dreams (Do they picture a future with you? If so, what does that future look like?)

Subaru can't imagine life without you and he lives in fear you'll one day think he's a monster and leave him for good. He's so scared of that and genuinely believes that that it prevents him from hoping for a future. As time goes on he'll see you in his future.

E - Equal (Are they dominating/dominant in the relationship or passive?)

He's pretty dominating, he likes being in charge, but he sees you as an equal. He's not like Reiji or Ruki where he demands things of you to keep you in line. In this regard Subaru is probably the most normal diaboy, he won't demand anything out of you the two of you just date and spend time together

F - Fight (Do they forgive easily? How do they fight?)

He yells and punches walls, but he never lays a hand on you. He forgives easily and more than that he hates himself for yelling and being an angry. He thinks he's a monster and he doesn't want to be one to you.

G - Gratitude (How grateful are they in general? How do they show their gratitude?)

He'll say thank you for normal things and every once in a while like when you're cuddling and you fell asleep he'll think about how much better his life is because of you and then the next day he'll be extra affectionate but when you ask him why he's being more sweet and affectionate than usual he'll blush and get super tsundere lol

H - Honesty (Do they share everything with you? If they do keep something from you, why?)

Subaru is terrified of losing you, and he's torn between doing everything in his power to keep you, even if it means lying, or doing the right thing and letting you know everything because you deserve to leave him. Ultimately he'll be honest and then surprised when you consistently choose him.

I - Inspiration (Did they get inspired to change by you? How so?)

He'll never stop being hot-headed, that's just his personality, and his trauma is so deeply engraved in him that it'd be unrealistic and way too idealistic for me to headcanon that one day he'll learn to love himself. But he will treat himself better and learn that his childhood was not his fault and he will learn to be nicer to himself

J - Jealousy (Do they get jealous easily? How do they act when they're jealous?)

He's jealous, but he's also scared. He can't stand the idea of losing you. Behind the anger in his face, is the fear in his eyes. After he's done screaming at the guy flirting with you he'll whirl around and his eyes are full of fear and trepidation

K - Kiss (Are they a good kisser? What are their kisses like? What was the first kiss like?)

Yes, very good kisser. Not into tongue, nice open mouth and tilting heads. He just kinda kissed you and said he felt like it and "whatever"

L - Love Confession (What was their love confession like?)

It was more you confessed your love to him and then he broke down in tears and said he loved you

M - Marriage (Do they want to get married? How would they propose?)

He doesn't necessarily need marriage, he knows the two of you will be together forever, but he would definitely want marriage if you wanted marriage. On his knee, in the garden

N - Nicknames (What do they call you as a term of endearment? Where did the nickname come from?)

He tried calling you sweetie once. It was awkward and then he turned red and locked himself in a room for 10 hours. His brothers still tease him. Nicknames are either "love" which comes naturally to him unlike sweetie did or some variant of your name or something based off your name

O - On cloud 9 (What are they like in love? Can other people tell?)

He stares at you with love and adoration but there's a hint of fear or sadness. His brothers can definitely tell. Surprisingly, they're supportive. Sure they'll tease him for being a tsundere or whatever, but the relationship itself they're surprisingly supportive

P - PDA (Are they shy or upfront about their relationship with you? Will they kiss in public?)

He's not shy in the slightest. As much of a tsundere as he is, he'll make out with you no problem. Holding hands? He's a red blushing mess

Q - Quirk (Something random about them that's beneficial in a relationship)

He's very cuddly and despite how hot-headed and impulsive he is, he's actually a really good listener. He always knows where to touch you to make you feel nice, like your hair or rubbing your wrist.

R - Romance (How romantic are they?What is their idea of romance like?)

Not exactly textbook romance. The two of you do what makes you guys happy, you don't let the definition of romance get in the way

S - Support (Do they help you reach your goals? Do they believe in you?)

Yes, but again, there's that fear; the fear of you leaving

T - Thrill (Do they like trying new things in a relationship? Or do they prefer routine?)

Not really. He's happy just being with you in the garden or his coffin.

U - Understanding (How well do they understand you?)

Very well. As said before, he's a good listener and he's surprisingly sympathetic

V - Value (How important is your relationship to them?)

More important than anything

W - Wild card (A random fluff headcanon)

He tends to stare at you when he doesn't think anyone's looking.

X - XOXO (Are they affectionate? Do they like to kiss and cuddle)

Yes, he gets shy a little but he loves kissing and cuddling

Y - Yearning (How will they cope when they miss you?)

You are the light in his life. Without you, he is numb and dark. Coping isn't really a thing any of the diaboys are great at.

Z - Zeal (Are they willing to go to great lengths for your relationship?)

Yes. Absolutely anything except hurting innocents. He won't give up on getting you, but he'll figure out a different way

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[biderboy]

okay i'll give you another because i am indeed very bored. and this is fun. basically i'll start it like this: i was taking a general paper class where we focused a lot on forming out own ideas and elaboration on barebone things. one day, we came to class and the teacher had posted up a pretty common question. "if you could take a pill that would make you constantly happy, would you take it?" and i'm sure you've heard this one before, i'm sure most people have the same thought process of "no". and i am going to psychoanalyze this, you're right. first of all, i feel like the reason why everyone's immediate reaction is "no" is because the question is very simple. we grow up being told not to take things for granted, and that life is never so easy as to hand out free happiness. we are taught to question everything, and when something seems so basic, it's a trick. and i do think it is essential that we question the things around us; we all need to form our own opinions, our own thought processes, our own mindsets. narratives and agendas are bad. so let me ask you, at what point does the trick take place? because suddenly, everyone is saying no, instantly, so is it still a trick? one of my interests is the mind and why it responds the way it does. i love it. and my other huge question is: why would you refuse constant happiness? given elaboration, of course you're going to see why, but take it from instinct. don't scrutinize, don't overanalyze. i sat in that room and while yes, i wouldn't take the pill, i can't help but wonder why we have decided that good things are not even worth considering. the very first thought is "no, i wouldn't want to constantly be happy", and i don't care what you say, but that doesn't sound right. clauses and terms and conditions come with skepticism, but instinct always comes first. we think good things have to come with bad ones. moving on from that, i do think that the most common response i heard in that discussion had to do with comparison. "if you don't feel sadness, you can't appreciate happiness." and i agree with that. but i also think there's a part of us, as humans, that crave the pain. it sounds odd, probably weird, but i think it exists. it does tie in with comparison, but it's also just a part of living. you can't drown in sadness, and neither can you overdose on happiness. for me, indulgence comes from prolonging unhealthy habits with emotions. it will always be easier to run from emotions than it is to accept them; i am constantly pushing things down, and now i'm at the point where i cannot make myself feel them. maybe it makes me heavy, and sad, and overall horrible. but would i take the pill? no. not because i want to keep my comparison, but because the pain is a part of life. those negative things, horrible and wretched as they, are what shape people. it took god knows how long for me to really realize the effects. right now, i'm feeling them. and now i'm offering you this because i don't think you would take the pill. i don't think anyone suffocating in the most unimaginable pain would take it. and for me, at least, that was a really good reminder. because heartbreak and heartache are parts of life and the better days will indeed come. yes, i'm still hopeful. call me cheesy, but there is a huge difference between living and surviving. you can survive on happiness as much as you survive on sadness. but that doesn't make you alive. i have a good life, i won't deny it, but i always feel odd when people tell me they're jealous over how perfect my life is. by no means is it perfect, but that's not the point. i feel like perfection is unattainable. i will never listen to that advice, and i am a horrible perfectionist, but regardless, we should never wish for perfection. we should wish for goodness. things will get better. wish for growth. things will turn out the way you want. wish for perseverance. things are never set in stone. wish for strength. don't wish for emptiness, because that will never be living. like i said, there will always be bad things, but when you can pick out

those good ones, however few or however many there are, it makes a world of difference.

that was long lmfao. but the take away is just a reminder that you're going to grow and persevere and be strong. and it is normal to crave numbness, but everyone knows that that's only hurting yourself more. you have to want these things for yourself, and with the time heals all wounds like, you have to give yourself time and patience to embrace your pain, as much as it hurts. ily

yea i gave myself a moment to think about this one and it’s quite long so 🙏;

my first reaction was “yes, i’d take it” a knee deep reaction, something rooted in my brain that is a constant “you need to be happy” , which can coexist with “you need to seem happy” which are two completely different things. the world works in a way that pushes ugly stereotypes onto people who aren’t “happy”, because it makes it seem like there is something wrong, when in reality happy is not the only feeling. it’s just the most “acceptable” one.

i go on with the fact ; some of us have this desperate need to stay strong. we push tris with the feeling of happiness. because showing sadness or angry, is a “sign of weakness”. a lot of us have drilled it into our brains that we have to be strong, that our armor can’t break, that we have to bet these...robots. for reasons, could be trauma, could be family, could be our own minds, or the world around us. but we have to be strong. if we’re happy all the time, no room for doubts and anger, or anything that can take that strong feeling away.

it’s very much pushed into our minds at a young age that the only way to success is happiness. so when we’re sad, the goal is to be happy, not to heal. we can mask the pain with a smile and a laugh, but that’s not healing the wounds that are there. happiness does not equal success the way the world thinks it does. happiness is just a feelings amongst other things, and just because someone is not happy, does not mean they won’t make it in the world. someone who has healed, will.

my second thought was no, i wouldn’t. and i agree with you. we are taught to never take something without thinking there is more. someone will want something, it won’t last, it will turn around and bite you, things like that. almost as if happiness is not a constant, and instead the “bad” things are. but in reality, life is a balance of both good and bad.

i believe some people would say no, because they hold onto the pain they went through. they believe it’s what’s keeping them together, instead of love, it’s pain. they think that without pain, they won’t know who they are. they won’t know how to live. it’s so deeply engraved into their soul that they can’t imagine their life without it. so they hold on to it, and they make themselves drown in pain.

some of us drown in that pain just to get a moment to breathe, and we think that that breath is temporary, and that we won’t get it ever again, or at least not for awhile. we think we don’t deserve that breath.

which makes no sense, because of course we do. we deserve that, we deserve happiness and love, and fresh air, and life. we deserve it all, even when we think all we deserve it pain.

that being said, i really wouldn’t take the pill. i’ve been numb for a long time, without the ability to feel, without knowing if i’d ever be able to feel again. but one thing i knew, from years and years, was the pain was real. but so was happiness. they coexist. it took me forever and a day, to notice that despite the overwhelming amount of pain i felt, i still felt happiness. even if it was just a breath.

for awhile i was not living, and sometimes i still feel like i’m not. and i’ll wish to the stars to make me feel something. anything. besides the empty part of me, to make me feel alive. and then i remember i’m breathing,, and maybe it’s not a breath of happiness, but it’s not a breath of sadness either. it’s just a breath. i’m alive.

for people who have been through such pain, such hardships, i think it’s okay to just be alive. to step back and realize life isn’t about everything. it’s just about something.