#I can’t talk directly to boss causing the problems bc he’s so void of like. empathy for others that it goes over his head (I’ve tried)

[bubmyg]

here’s the other thing.

[myhalloweendreams]

I guess is time to a heart to heart with the void... I need to spill it before I end up suffocatting

Well, I really like my job. I love to work with the decoration of cakes.

But the problem is that I’m so stressed rn. I feel that I’ll have an ulcer problem any moment. There’s plenty of reasons to stress me out I guess, what just burst the bubble and made as miserable as I’m rn was trying to talk with my boss this week, he basically not visualized any of my texts about payment(I sent a few other texts that he did visualized... until I talked about money) - I’m still trying to receive for last week, as in the one that ended with the month of November but I have been ignored and made a fool of. 

Let’s start from the beggining...My boss sucks at math, so hard. 

Bc of that he ended up paying me less that he should several weeks in a row, I was too shy and embarassed so it took me some time to muster the courage to tell him this. I showed him my math and he told me he would pay it, but it had to be little by little under the radar of his husband bc he would be super mad if knew about it - his husband is a super correct man, they also fight often for anything that my boss do wrong (even if is a small and silly thing) - and my boss wanted to avoid any fights, I was ok with it, I didn’t want to cause any problems to my boss or their relationship

His husband owns part of the business and by now helps him with the finances (he didnt before, but as I said my boss is really bad at math, he’s also very into spending uncontrollably), so it went like... when my boss received in money he gave me part of it to pay for what he own me. We not often receive anything in money, but I don’t really care about taking time to receive it (not a problem with that), there’s a few months by now and I still have to receive part of it.

Another problem my boss have is paying us in time, sometimes we go two weeks without receiving before we see any payment (we receive every week for the week before, in theory). He always ended up doing a full circus when he dont pay us, he says he already made the deposity several times, “it must have bounced back”, “Oh I was going to do, but I got distracted with *insert smt here* or wtv, there is always smt. He end up paying, but the stress of uncertainty and with the excuses being repeated over and over until it happens is super tiring, I wish he would just be direct and tells as it is. Tell me that you’re waiting receiving for something or that you’re busy and had no time (and do it in front of me instead of pretending u’re doing it but closing it before really doing it) or that you do have the money but you’ll need it to pay for the things we’ll need that week to do the cakes so you’ll have to delay the paying a little. It’s okay. I would understand any of it, but the full circus round around and game he makes is so stress indulcing, and we feel so bad for asking again... we keep bouncing to one another who will ask next about it. It must be stressing to him too.

okay, so I have been there done that a bunch of times, but he literally didnt open a single message I sent about it this week and he gave me the entire off, but he couldn’t tell me it directly, no,that would have been too easy I guess.

He told me I would only have to go from Thursday to saturday so he would tell his husband I worked and write off part of the debt - okay not a problem. 

Then Wednesday he told me that I should go from Friday and he would write off more of the debt - okaaaay I guess. I wish he had told me before so I wouldnt have stayed in home to avoid be too tired the next day at work (I work standing all day and I’m extra fat rn so I didn’t want to play with my luck) 

Friday I wake up extra early, I didn’t want to get there late. I did all I had to do to go to work, waited to be half hour before my time to be there and sent a text asking if I had to get there the same time as always or if he had changed the time (he do it often) he calls me (still not visualizing any of my messages bc it would mean he had seen the ones about the payment) “Gabi you dont have to come. You’re not working this week.”, “You wont come until I have paid all my debt to you”. - Are you fucking kidding me?! Like he could have told me it from the begging. Like duuuuude, I did nothing all week because I didn’t want to have a strain or sore muscle and I said no to go to see my friend because I would have to sleep there and I couldn’t bc I had to work in the morning. I could have resolved so many things that I didn’t because I was so scared to be too sore to work. I have to paint a few rooms in my house. I have to buy some heavy stuff that my mom could have paid and later I would pay her, but I would to have to get them to the house by foot and go all the stair flights with it bc there’s no elevator in my building... well I had to solve a bunch of things. And here he is playing around with me. He not only not visualized my texts, but he ignored my calls (I only spoke with him this week when he called me), and rn I have no money, I couldnt pay a bus fare if I needed one. I tried to talk with him, but he ignored me, I even went to his house and he didn’t answered the door... I’m not sure if he was there tho... but my coworker says that is obvious he was bc of all the windows open when we’re having rain almost every day at some point (we work at his house, I didnt just randomly went to his house liker that).

The thing is the week was super stressing, his atittude was super not okay and I’m so exhausted. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I dont have structure to deal with that dude. Man up and own your bullshit please. I’m too tired for this. I’m too depressed for this. And I’m definetly not that hard to talk with, just talk with me straight instead and let’s be cool about it. Don’t give me twenty different answers and watch me squirm like this. 

Boy I so dont have structure to adulting. 

I’m not prepared to the world.

I can’t deal with it... and by it I mean anything.

I’m just one drop away from get suicidal ... over work lol.

I’m completely drained.

I feel like garbage.

And I can’t even muster enough energy to eat or drink water like a normal person.

Seriously, does living really worth having to deal with things? all of them?