#I can make a longer post regarding this idea this but I'm so tired

[unicornpopcorn14]

Hc that every time Chuuya is bandaged he's reminded of Dazai and hates it.

And back when they were working together Dazai is always overly excited about it not only because Chuuya detests it, but because finally, he isn't the only one who's gonna be sweating bullets due to the friction, he isn't the only one whose movements are considerably restricted, he isn't the only one seen as a 'poor kid' and taken pity on in the eyes of the public/their enemies, even if only for a handful of missions.

And Dazai will tease him about it, every damn time, poking fun at Chuuya's weak tolerance whenever he complains about them, about why Dazai even does this shit when 'he has no good reason'.

"But, slug!! We're matching!!"

"That's the worst part, I'm associated with a freak!"

But that makes way for an interesting scenario, where the roles are reversed. Where Chuuya, wrapped up in bandages courtesy of a recent mission, comes across a Dazai who's not (due to an attempt, perhaps, or they've been taken from him one way or another).

And Chuuya sees it for the first time, Dazai's wide-eyed vulnerability, him drawing into himself, the faded look in his eyes, like something vital has been removed from his body, much more than an organ or a nerve.

For the first time, they aren't matching when Chuuya is swathed in gauze.

So Chuuya begrudgingly offers his, slightly bloody and crumpled, because he hates being wrapped up in them anyway.

Though he can't help but wish to be encased in bandages more often from then on, just so he can understand, perhaps share, some of that pain...

[starfall-dream]

reupload from my main blog

Here's my original post on the main three, but this post will be expanding on it more. Feel free to send in any ideas you have surrounding the au.

Also, I've gotten some asks regarding Tav in the au, and while I'm not interested in including tav, I want to know your thoughts on Durge and how the interact with reader, so please send those in.

Kethric (platonic yandere):

Kethric is really fascinating to me because, unlike the other two who I think are driven by the idea power in relation to you, Kethric is driven by the past. He regrets not protecting Isobel, he regrets a lot of his past.

I think when he meets you in moonrise it's not a immediate "omg you're a image of my daughter who died and now hates me", it's more of a "wow this human is very clearly out of their depth, why are they leading this group of idiots?" It's more of a strange facination rather than an immediate connection. I don't even think he gets people to watch you and your group of ruffians, he just kinda keeps watch of you through word of mouth.

How, as mentioned here, his obsession does grow the more he views you asa a surrogate child. He sees how weak you are, how hopeless, but despite that all you still put on a brave face. It's almost commendable in a way, you're smart and courageous but also a mess. It reminds him of Isobel when she was a child, so full of wonder and awe, but weak and dependent on him. He craves that, someone depending on him, and he starts to want that from you.

As time goes on, your companions recognize Kethrics less than normal behavior, and plan on using you as bait to infiltrate moonrise. You're apprehensive at first, but you come to realize that Kethric poses no harm to you, and by extension neither does anyone in moonrise. Kethric revels in the attention you provide him, of course, not really knowing that you're playing into these feelings for your own gain. He places you in Isobel's old room, attempting to be as gentle as possible with you, trying to mimic the his past with his daughter.

He doesn't see you as Isobel, he sees you as another child, a redo. You're a chance to right his wrongs, and maybe at some point you warm up to him, you smile to him as he recounts you stories of his past, you laugh with him, giving him a rare moment of peace.

But of course, all good things come to an end, and eventually you're rescued by your companions, your wrapped away from him, and all the warmth and welcome he felt is gone, and he's forced to acknowledge the fact of the matter. You don't belong here, in Moonrise with him and Faerun as a whole. You're lost, and maybe, his death will serve as a way of you finding your way home.

Gortash (Platonic or Romantic, you decide):

I view Gortash as a mixture of Kethric and Orin. He's sadistic and mean, but also understanding and protective. He doesn't care for you and your companions circumstances, he has a goal and he will do everything in his power to achieve that goal. And I think, at least in the beginning, he views you as a way of achieving that goal.

You make a deal with Gortash, though in reality he doesn't plan on keeping strong on that deal, he views it more as a test of strength, a test of will. Are you as strong and powerful and your companions claim, or are you ultimately just a fable. It's fascinating really, watching you through his Steel Watchers, struggling and tired. He sees that you are drained, and he's willing to abuse that. He'll twist every little last drop of determination out of you until you can no longer fight.

The moment when Gortash's feelings change is when he realizes your position. You're from another world, whatever that means, but it makes sense. You did not exist before this very moment, there was not a trace of you before now. You seem clueless about this world, bumbling about like a child. So you're either insane or you're telling the truth, and a part of him wants to consider it.

A part of him, small but present, recognizes a piece of himself in you. You're terrified, fighting to survive, working with anyone who will help you. You're alone in this world, just like he him, and a part of him sympathizes with you. However, a large part of him sees your potential.

If you just had more drive, more strive, you could be something powerful, achieve something great, and you could do that with him. You and him together could achieve great things, and maybe if you just had the motivation, his ideas could become a reality.

Gortash hates the more sympathetic side of himself, because it's weakness, and to an extension you are a weakness. You represent a part of himself before he became strong and great and powerful, and he's constantly teetering on the edge of wanting to foster those peaceful ideals within you, and fill you with a power that rivals his own.

Orin (Platonic or Romantic, you decide):

Orin is the definition of sadistic, and most, if not all her thoughts about you are defined by that. She hates any sort of peaceful feeling she has about you, like Gortash she views it as weakness.

I think a lot of the way she feels about you would depend on Durge and how they view you, but since you're taking on the role of Tav, it's most likely that Durge is dead, but I'm just putting the idea on the table.

I like the idea of Orin idealizing her relationship with you. If she's romantic, she views all her crazy and violent actions towards you as the ultimate sign of love. She kills in your name, not understanding why you hate her declarations. Orin is insane, so in a romantic and platonic relationship, she'll switch between loving you and hating every aspect of you.

In a platonic relationship, she'll view you as an extension of her, a protege as sorts. It doesn't matter really what you want, if you agree to this or not, she can sense the strength within you, and that she has the ability to foster it. She'll try and get you to see the strength Bhaal, even if your a brick wall when it comes to it.

I think Orin wants companionship, despite what you might believe. She wants to relate to somebody, she wants someone to relate to her. It's pathetic, she knows, but you're a blank slate, so it's easy to plant ideas into your head in hopes that they sprout.

---

A/n: Please talk about bg3 with me, also sorry for the spelling errors.

[tardigradetv]

(This post is gonna be edited in the future because I haven't finished it yet! I want to add some stuff, but I'm too tired to do it now. Sorry if things are cringe here. Please don't judge!)

Since I got tagged by @thedragonofbadasstemple , I'm gonna share 9 games I got into in 2024! I actually didn't watch many shows/movies last year because that year was a "worker's year", I'd say. I was busy most of the time and when I had free time, I'd rather go outside or do something, like creating or playing games (or studying 🙈) (yes, I think it can be fun studying for a few hours a day 😂). That means I barely had any days I'd just... do nothing. 😭 Yeah, on those few days when I actually just lay in bed, I watched documentaries (and I can't remember titles, so Idk how to share in this case 🤦‍♂️).

Some games are "childhood comebacks". (Games I've known since childhood but lost interest in them and got into them again years later)

I try to be as chronological as possible, but just keep in mind that my memory is such a mess. 😭 So I guess everything worth mentioning was said for now. Let's dive in!

Early beginning of the year:

1 - That's not my neighbor

Last year started with my "Fran Bow comeback". What I mean is that I watch analysis videos and think my part on the whole thing (that doesn't cover how the stuff I do look like, but whatever... I write stuff about it... It's called by that game's name because that game got me into analysis videos about anything regarding gaming or artists' works. So I started looking for other people's thoughts on things, too, instead of only interpreting things on my own) At the same time, I was looking for more games/franchises to think about (and writing analysis). Somehow, I stumbled upon That's Not My Neighbor through YouTube videos on my feed (so yeah... you could say the YouTube algorithm got me into the game lol). The concept/the idea behind the game inspired me to write and do my research on topics relating to the game. What I can say about the gameplay is that it's simple yet effective. It's the ultimate "find the difference" game with an interesting lore behind it. I haven't checked if there came any new updates out regarding gameplay or game modes lately, so it can be that I'm talking crap now. 🤡 Well, let's actually get what I want to tell... To keep it short, the game has a lot of potential, even with its few content gameplay-wise. I imagine that they could add a longer story mode where they provide a better insight into the lore.

Spring 2024:

2 - Needy Streamer Overload

Around the time when it was my old "friend's" birthday, I heard from this game for the first time. It seemed interesting to me, so I looked deeper into it. And no surprise, the game has caught my interest since then. The game's art style inspired me to try new things in my art, and the deeper meaning behind specific features/hints is thought-provoking, exactly what I like. Though I don't relate much to Ame, the protagonist, I really liked how much I could analyze and theorize in her story. So many connections make sense and indirectly told me to do some research about mental health topics I wasn't really educated on. Overall, the iconic character Ame taught me bits of wisdom I carry on my journey of life. Yeah, the game was an experience. My my, I couldn't process my early times of getting into this game back then. 🙈 It was a little bit too much for me at first, but after a few months, I could enjoy the game without any further issues.

3 - My Child: Lebensborn

Summer 2024:

OMG, as a German... 😭 Well, that game hit hard... But I love that there's a game that touches that dark, historical period from an insiders perspective. In times when we fear that history could repeat itself, this game helps reflect the harsh reality some people like to deny.

(Gonna write more about this later)

4 - D4DJ

When I installed the Hypmic ARB in February 2023, I got into rhythm games for the first time. Yes, I've never played any rhythm games before, so Hypmic ARB gets the title "my first rhythm game". Since then, I've started liking rhythm games as a genre. In summer 2024, I spent time with a "friend" (who isn't my friend anymore, sadly), a rhythm game enthusiast, especially when it comes to rhythm games for consoles. When I asked them which mobile rhythm games I could try, they gave me D4DJ as a recommendation. I played it for a few months, but one day... it just didn't work on my phone anymore. I couldn't get through the title, and I couldn't even save my account, which meant I had to say goodbye to the game... Yes, I could've started from the beginning again, but as I've experienced before, most games don't even work on my phone once such issues start to occur (I had this with Project Sekai). But in the end, I don't have anything on my phone anymore that could remind me of my old "friend", so I see it as a plus to some degree... 😭 Now, to my feedback! The game has an innovative system that made my gameplay experience really enjoyable. The different notes while playing a show made me think really quickly how to calculate where I should position my fingers. I also like how the game uses the screen you play on. It's important to have your whole screen in view to know how to hit some notes. (That makes the decorative feature of designing your stage so cool imo). The game also has Touhou songs that I enjoy, so I often played these (along with internet yamero). What I certainly like in the game is that... I could actually feel rewarded for just playing. To be more clear, you can get diamonds (or whatever they're called again, I forgot 😭) by just playing a song for a specific number of times. If my phone just worked... Yeah, but something that really bothered me is that... I easily got overstimulated from playing this game. The game is fun, but it won't once I get overstimulated...

5 - Snake Pass (childhood comeback)

This game is peak childhood! And the soundtrack 😭 I love it so much! I can't think of any other games where you play a snake with a humming bird as a helping companion to explore different areas of an in-game world. Also that you can change the facial expressions of Noodle (the snake) is such a nice detail! I spent hours on this game trying to get the 100%. Yes, the controls are a bit... uh, hard to get used to at first, but once you do, you have lots of fun solving puzzles. Since David Wise is the composer of the soundtrack, you could expect that there are gonna be bangers. (I mean, think of Donkey Kong...) I remember how I used to listen to the soundtrack for HOURS when I first discovered this game years ago! 😭🫶 It's also one of those games where I just enjoy playing without trying so hard to master it immediately. Sometimes, I take a look at all those details I can find... and I love every single one of them. For example, Noodle is a coral snake, an extremely dangerous snake. And as far as I know, coral snake venom contains neurotoxins that can lead to paralysis and death. So I think you can guess why the small crabs you can find in the game flee when they see Noodle... (kinda funny to think about when you compare that to the game's innocent appearance.)

Fall 2024:

6 - Team Fortress 2 (childhood comeback)

It's a classic. I think many people have at least heard of it through memes. I've been into this game since childhood (but other, new interests gained higher priority, so I kinda forgot about this franchise). Back then, I had a proper device to play it, ah... 😭 Well, before my recent computer died, I had the opportunity to play Team Fortress 2 again. What a wonderful experience it was! There's so much about this game that I've forgotten in the time I didn't touch it that it felt like a complete new experience. Oh, and reading all the chapters of the comic again... (including the recently published one) It brought tears into my eyes. Compared to other games of the same genre, TF2 isn't as competitive as some others. I used that as an opportunity to have fun and just enjoy the game! Especially the casual experience can be so chaotically fun, which gives the game its unique charm. I don't think there's any other game that has the same charm as TF2, so if you like ego shooters where you can be goofy and laugh your ass of in voice chats, this one is for you! Besides, the characters are *chef's kiss*, and the game can be counted as a cultural phenomenon. I mean, when voicelines become memes that reach countless people (probably outside the fandom), then this game is an internet milestone.

7 - Sally Face (childhood comeback)

With my old Fran Bow fixation, of course, I'm gonna find this game sooner or later. I can say that I don't regret finding out about this game at all! The art style, animation style, and lore captivated me. And not to forget, the soundtrack... I still listen to sometimes. I first discovered it a few years ago when I wanted to play something different. As you probably know from my introduction, I'm a Nintendo fan who plays mostly their games, but I touch other games from time to time, too. One of the first games I started getting into besides the Nintendo ones was Fran Bow, to be honest. And I mean by "getting into" that I CONSUMED the game's content like crazy.😭 (That's why this game has a connection to some others I've mentioned here). Well, back to Sally Face. Sal Fisher, the protagonist himself, is such an icon. I really grew fond of him from the early beginning. His personality and his background touched my heart, so it was no surprise that I'd feel devastated after finishing the story. What I really appreciate about this game is the atmosphere. Besides the lore (which I was deeply invested in when I first found out about the game), the atmosphere of the game makes you lean back and think about what is happening while you play. You slow down for a moment to investigate a certain spot to find more information. You might put your device beside to take a moment to process what just happened. Truly breathtaking. The further you get in the game, the more you feel like you're losing yourself in the scenario. It's an unforgettable experience with moments that can you almost make you cry. The strange art style highlights this uncomfortable atmosphere even more. After Sally Face has become a significant part of my childhood, I can say that this game touches many topics that are worth discussing. I could endlessly ramble on any character's specific traits, their background, and context to the story (if I actually could share my thoughts properly 🙈). Exploring the depth of this game back then was an important part of "getting used to thinking". And now, having found my way to this game again feels like I time traveled back to the time I was younger, a time when my life looked so different. To look back and say goodbye to those times, I'd imagine visiting my younger self and just telling that boy how grateful I am he kept going. Thanks to my determined younger self, I could grow into the person I am today. May Sally Face stay a wonderful memory...

Winter 2024:

8 - Yume Nikki

The strange game that made me reconsider all my thought patterns and my life in general. I have to admit, strange things always captivate me, so it's no surprise I got into it so quickly. The soundtrack captures the feeling of endless isolation so well... ah, I know that feeling. Listening to it gives me comfort. The reason why I feel like this is... sad. Well, how should I say it? I... grew up in social isolation, you could say... My childhood wasn't the worst... but it is the foundation of a person's personality, so... Oh- that's not the topic I should talk about right now...

9 - Everything (the game)

Somehow, I've never heard of this game before someone mentioned it not so long ago. It's exactly my taste! I'm sad I didn't discover it sooner! Games with great wisdom behind it always have a sweet spot in my heart. It's really interesting how the game is made. Such a simple style with an intense/immersing atmosphere. The soundtrack really makes me forget everything around me (though the animations in this game make me laugh as hell. The first time I saw how the animals "walk" here got me almost falling from my chair.) I personally think that this game challenges your experimental abilities/creativity. The more you use those abilities, the more fun you're going to have playing this game. Everything seems so aimless (pun intended), but this makes the player think about what the game tries to tell you.

(Gonna continue later)

[denial-permanente]

I’ve read a few of your posts regarding Tom’s cycling and how he occasionally is out for longer adventures. How do you guys manage this setup? Does he ask for permission to go for a big ride, or is it an assumption that he can tell you the duration and you offer up the keys? I ride 4-5 times weekly, and this is pretty much the hitch with taking a more serious approach with this. My wife doesn’t love the in and out process and gets annoyed and tired by it. And I find myself riding less and taking worse care of myself to indulge this kink… any advice?

This is a good question because it has to do more with our relationship. Tom is not locked for punishment, he is locked because this is something we both enjoy. He has like 25 years of experience being locked for me, and while I found that I live having that control I also know that we have normal lives where things will interfere.

My husband made a commitment to me. I have to trust that he will honor that commitment during the periods where he has to be unlocked. Also... being a man I know that he is proud of how long he has gone without cheating on his commitment. I trust that he will not unlock for his ride and then touch himself, but I also know that mentally he is at a point where he would not break this kind of a record. 😂 So it's easy for me to trust him. I'll let him give you the details.

🚲 Tom here. There is an emergency key in my bathroom drawer. When I'm going out for a ride, I text her with a flight plan, remove the cage, and change into my sexy bike shorts. I fill a cup with hot soapy water and let the cage soak for a few hours while I'm out. Riding the hills here, there is no way I'm going to pull into the woods to have a wank. When I get home, I hit the shower, and put my cage back on while I'm in there.

Yes, there is some (or a lot of) trust involved. But as my wife says, we're adults. For us, her denial has become an integral aspect to our relationship, and I honor the commitment that I made to her years ago. And yes again, I have been locked & denied since 2018. That's a long freaking time, and you're crazy if you think I'm going to randomly break a streak like that for a quick wank. 😏 🔒

🔐 I'm back because I had a thought. Hiding the keys can feel like another chore to a lot of women because it's one more thing they have to plan and schedule. Maybe your wife doesn't like the idea of "hiding" the keys only to bring them out when you want. Maybe if you had access to your own key and you both agreed that your riding time was a necessary health break and they key is only to be used for that? It might take some of the burden off of her.

🚲 That was Mrs Edge. That's not a bad idea. We just fell into that arrangement, but maybe it would be less of an inconvenience if you agreed on it ahead of time. Maybe if you phrased it something like "In order to maintain my health and fitness, I'd like to ride four or five times a week. How about if I keep a key in the bathroom just for this? I'll text you before I go out and when I get back, so you can keep track of me. This should make things easier on you, and more convenient for me to get the miles in. Is that okay?" 🔒

[mariamariquinha]

Writing Update

This post is out of respect for everyone who has been following me since I started sharing my stories here. I'll leave it pinned on the profile so don't worry!

Versos de Placer

I'm already well ahead of the last chapter, but I haven't touched the story in months for reasons of: I'm very tired. At some point I will finish it (I still need a good ending) and until that happens, I have no news about it. As soon as I have it, I'll let you know!

Bossa Nova

(i don't know why i used this gif but it somehow always makes me aware of how unhinged he is lol)

Update: I finished and it's already published! 😉

This one is closer to being published, but also without a date. Once I finish Versos de Placer, I'll be more comfortable just focusing on it and IT WILL BE THE LAST 'LONG FANFIC' AROUND HERE (at least for a loooong time). I'm experimenting with some ideas about it, revisiting what I've already done and what the next steps will be, but you can count on more Benny!

Narcos

When you go to my profile, you will see that Javier Peña and Steve Murphy are marked 'no longer writing for', and that is… the truth. Maybe in the future I'll come back to them, but I need the right idea and the right mindset, as this particular fandom is curiously complicated. Their stories are still available!

Requests

I'll close them here. Yeah, well, there's not much of a secret, so just understand that I don't have the constant writing capacity to meet demands in this regard. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to believe in a story instead of just writing it. I'll leave this in my bio too!

AO3

Since the end of last year I have been studying the possibility of starting to work more with AO3. It's a platform that I know little about, so I want to make sure I know how to use it before I start producing there. You will also find out when this will happen.

Last but not least... New characters

Everything I did outside the box (with Gurney, Dave York and Mike Duarte) were more writing experiments. I'm always open to doing something like that, as is the case with James Wilson (which I've been maturing and CONSIDERING), but for now the only characters I write for are:

Alfie Solomons (Peaky Blinders)

Horacio Carrillo (Narcos)

Will Miller (Triple Frontier)

Jonathan Levy (Scenes from a Marriage)

Benny Magalon (Den of Thieves)

Frank Castle (The Punisher)

Some always appear more than others, but they are all still in my orbit! Who doesn't love a mix of ambiguous police officers with ex-military men who need therapy and a dash of divorced university professors?

If you have any questions, my DM and ask box are open! 😉

[bernardellinewsagency]

can i interest you all in some gallayuan in these trying times? fr tho i cranked this out because you really do gotta create the content you wanna see in this world. it is literally just 600 words of only dialogue and as with many ideas of mine i didn't feel like writing out the background for this scenario so just use your imagination and extrapolation abilities. i believe in you :)

im also tired as fuck cause it's nearly 2am when im posting this and it's barely edited so you see mistakes or if it's barely comprehensible, um, pretend you don't, those are problems for future me. i'm just trying to get people to see my vision of these two being a ship okay? the words are just a vehicle to transport my meaning with.

"Sorry, I didn't realize there was anyone else here."

"Don't sweat it, honestly. Besides, I'm just passing through, finishing up some sightseeing here. Looks like you're pretty busy, so I'll leave and get outta your hair soon."

"Nonsense! A guest on the Luofu should be able to stay for as long as they wish."

"Ha, funny, I'm used to hearing the opposite of that. It's not exactly the opposite, I guess, but it's close enough."

"Did someone on the Luofu say something to you to the contrary? While it's not too often that a guest chooses to visit Fyxestroll Garden, it is safe to do so and the guards should not restrict anyone's comings and goings any longer. Or was it elsewhere? Do I need to speak to the Cloud Knights or the Commission about the behaviors they're displaying?"

"What? No, everyone's been kind and polite and all that. I came here from Penacony, so I'm used to hearing that everyone can stay only so long as they've got the money to do so. Ain't no rest for the poor, but plenty for the wicked, you know what I mean?"

"Ah, I suppose that I do. Some people never seem to get what they deserve."

"Sounds like you're speaking from personal experience."

"Does it? You know, many tourists tend to shy away from Fyxestroll Garden for the very reason that some specifically visit. It is a place to... let go. Release the dead so that they may move on, and you may do the same."

"Thinking you've already figured out I'm not returning to Penacony any time soon?"

"Call it just a hunch of mine."

"Well it's a damn good hunch, 'cause it's true. I was uh... involved, should I say, in some of the shit that went down. Couldn't stay there any longer. Not like I'm on the run or anything, not from anything other than the memories, it just became my time to move on and leave it behind."

"Ah, I thought I had seen something similar within you. So, if you're running from the past, what is it you're running toward?"

"What is this, an interrogation?"

"Call it humoring a new friend."

"Haha, alright. I will. I'm going to the same place we all are- the imperfect tomorrow."

"How poetic of you."

"I'm known for my wit on occasion. How about you? Do I also get an answer in return, new friend?"

"Call me Jing Yuan. I suppose that makes me a traveler in the opposite direction, then. Burn your memories and reach tomorrow, or cling to them and stay in the past."

"You say you're clinging to something, yet you're hanging around a place you said was for letting go? Put it together, sounds like you're just torturing yourself. I'm Gallagher, by the way."

"Simply honoring those I've lost, but- you're not entirely wrong. Say, this may be too presumptuous of me, but would you like to walk with me?"

"Where to?"

"Any sight in the Luofu you wish to see before you leave is open to you, even those which average people cannot access so long as I am there to allow you in. We may be headed in different directions with regards to philosophy, but let's allow our physical paths to cross for a while longer, shall we?"

"I'd be a fool not to take you up on that, Mister Jing Yuan. But first, let's stay here just a little bit longer. It really is a beautiful sight, and I think it's doing both of us some good."

[straynoahide]

about / masterpost

(if you're looking for my previous pinned, Tolkien meta about the Ainulindalë creation myth and legendarium, it's available in the link)

hi!! since i've been posting more than fandom stuff, this is for potential/new followers or just people who are interested.

this isn't exhaustive and if you've landed here from a particular post you can just ask/DM me and i'll be more than happy to answer.

a bit about myself: you can call me Thry. i'm spanish, male, i self-id as queer/LGTBIQ bc of several reasons, and i'm a roman catholic of hebrew tradition. aside from a fandom blog i may post about several other interests like history, fantasy, literature, languages, theology...

i'll also often get into social issues and all sorts of politics, so i've tried to summarize my views and what you can expect. longer detail below the cut, along with what hebrew catholicism is about.

POLITICS

POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY:

-i first and foremost support universal-hearted democracy over autocracy, theocracy, and authoritarian dictatorships, that is forms of tyranny. some call these values 'secular humanism', although they predate liberal ideas of the enlightenment in a few traditions.

-i believe in principles over parties and political identities. i'm not a contrarian, nor an individualist, but i am unapologetically individual and tired of external projections of incompatibility where i don't see it. "Y person can't be X" - someone saying that doesn't make it true.

-i think right-wing and left-wing are breaking down in most countries. i think identity politics are harmful and purely geared towards performative activism & electioneering. this benefits the political class and opportunists, not broader society.

-i believe western political philosophy overall has developed better societies due to individual liberties and self-expression values, although the enlightenment was crippled without the abolition of slavery, women's liberation, and other intersectional issues like those of neurodiversity, psychosexual diversity, etc.

-i believe fundamentally in western values, arisen from western tradition AND innovation. i also regard non-western intellectual traditions with respect. i reject cultural relativism as such, but i think we learn more when we don't see one tradition as all-good and others as all-bad which is simplistic and misguided.

SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC POLICY:

-all economic systems, which are epochal human realities, have flaws that artificially cause inequality and human suffering. i believe this can be ameliorated by reform. i don't think current understandings are exhaustive, so we should remain critical of 'theories of all' where science doesn't allow for actually accurate predictions.

-i agree with the marxian intuition that material conditions and the labor relations they enable, lie behind the cultural narratives and people's views on power and labor relations. in any given moment in history, people's worldview is shaped by what kind of society they can and do live in. economic changes lead to ideological ones. but ideals still matter and we should imagine better alternatives.

-i believe in workers' rights, unions and a right of peoples to revolt against tyranny, including ethnic communities, but also recognize not all revolutions result in better constitutions. all political revolutions so far, no matter the theory, created new hierarchies. statelessness is the abyss, so we should always tread lightly.

-i don't think any amount of social justice rhetoric can justify anti-egalitarianism, obscurantism, censorship, dehumanization or sadism. i'm anti-marxist / anti-leftist yet also agree with the marxian criticism of 'progressivism' as transversal - seeing the issues of collectives in the binary template of bourgeois/proletariat, advocating for identity politics - as fundamentally misguided and fruitless. the sectarian nature of many creates echo chambers and hate cults.

-i have some right-wing intuitions. i believe in the value of tradition, national and religious identity, and hierarchies of competence. i believe in the rights to life, liberty, property, self-defense, bodily autonomy, free speech and freedom to develop one's personality.

-i see national, religious rights as the rights of individuals to associate, but individuals should be protected from communities of coertion that place ideas over people. any person has more inherent dignity than being a vehicle of others' customs. i reject every form of chauvinism, racial or cultural. every community is entirely human. "nothing human is alien to me"

-i believe in inalienable rights. i oppose the capital punishment, brutality, torture, atrocity, and the exercise of collective punishment. i support accountability, rehabilitation, restorative justice, deradicalization, and (mental, holistic) healthcare. i center "victims" as survivors, an active party in their own healing, and reject all mental health stigmas. as long as there is life, there is hope.

GEOPOLITICS AND FOREIGN POLICY:

-warfare is the moral nadir of humanity and is itself a crime which disproportionately destroys young men physically and countless lives and hopes for the interest of a few, who often are safe from it. as far as i'm concerned, all wars are civil wars whether we're there yet emotionally or not. that does not mean i support equidistance between every two causes. diplomacy is not always a solution, or even option. i'm hawkish within reason, not a radical pacifist.

-i don't believe a "multipolar world" is necessarily better if the poles are tyrannical governments just because they're led by non-western imperialists who are "whitewashing" their intent with anti-colonial rhetoric. i support israel in its wars against iranian-funded jihadism and international antizionism. i support a free and european ukraine, democratic hong kong and taiwan, political self-determination.

-antisemitism is one of the most pervasive, insidious and oldest forms of discrimination in the world and the west. meanwhile, half the west is reactionary to LGBTIQ values and half the world remains traditionally violent towards LGBTIQ humanity, despite this being the highest point in human history in terms of individual rights.

-because of that, i think that together with anti-LGBTIQ discrimination, tolerance for antisemitism has become a litmus test in the XXI century for both illiberal and anti-western factions. these forces -reactionarism and antizionist antisemitism- are two sides of a same internal threat to the western world, susceptible to lobbying by foreign agents, like pro-russian and pro-iranian forces, for example.

-these interests will often result in the radicalization of young men to become ultranationalists, christofascists, revolutionary leftists, even jihadists (preying on western muslims), via disinformation / interference. far-right politics have become a proxy of political masculinism for a reason.

-understanding gender roles' impact on men, men's issues, male disposability, misandry, is key to deradicalization as much as fighting political propaganda that preys on young men to use them for organized violence. i no longer identify as a feminist, but i align with sex-positive, queer-friendly and egalitarian feminists. i also align with the defense of men's interests intrinsically and not because it serves any political goal. males are half of humanity and have all its dignity.

-i affirm jewish indigeneity. i'm a jewish ally from a place of recognition of jewish humanity, not political interest nor religion. i oppose all forms of antisemitism (white nationalist, christofascist, christian, secular, international, leftist, soviet, progressive, antizionist, islamic...) i support all the jewish people, observant or not, zionist or not, israeli or diaspora, as jews. as free and living jews. on "white jews": askhenazi indigeneity is intrinsic to jewish indigeneity.

-I/P: jews should have both individual rights, and also the right to a self-determined, secure national existence in their ancestral homeland. any caveat is an unacceptable double-standard and creates a two-tiered vision of human dignity i cannot see a compromise with in the future. never again is now.

PD: i don't think of myself in any particular terms, even less as a "centrist", rather than politically houseless. 'extreme' and 'moderate' are not principles, but distances from whatever is the overton window, so neither is inherently virtuous.

i hold some social views seen as progressive in the US and as transversal or demochristian in the EU; i also identify with many right-leaning positions, including some not present in Europe like the right to bear arms. i used to be an anticlerical leftist.

i can criticize right-wingers, leftists and centrists in the same breath with no dissonance at all. i don't think other cultures are exempt from western criticism either. if a certain political space is plagued by antisemitism, i'm not there.

RELIGION AND THEOLOGY

I'm a gentile Hebrew-speaking and Hebrew-tradition Catholic. What that does mean in our communities:

Roman Catholicism in Israel & Hispanic countries where there is a strong presence of the Bnei Anusim / Conversos / Meshumadim, and a particular if minoritary tradition. Hebrew language and liturgy is associated with the St James Vicariate in Jerusalem.

Relation of spiritual kinship between coreligionaries, jewish & non-jewish, as Catholics. Towards other Israeli/Palestinian Christians, same as any other believers, I support ecumenism. No specific relation or association with other Jews although most Hebrew Catholics are part of the Israeli national community.

What it doesn't mean:

Messianic Judaism (these accusations are fighting words)

Any heretical/schismatic movement away from the Vatican

"Christian Zionism", "Hebrew Christian movement", religious philosemitism with eschatological undertones, or anything associated with Evangelicals or Protestants

"Cultural appropriation" or claiming a Jewish identity

Proselytism towards Jews

What it does mean individually:

Hebrew Catholicism is a spiritual movement, not a single set of 'rules' or a denomination. All rites are Catholic. Observance of Mosaic traditions occurs as cultural and family heritage and NOT as religious observance of Judaism, to different degrees. It is entirely optional but welcome and cherished by all members as Christians make no ethnic or national distinctions.

It represents a historical reversal of the de-hebraization of ethnic Sephardim who have come to sincere belief. This is about heritage, mixed families, fraternity, faith, etc; and about the right to have a national and religious identity at spiritual ease and in social harmony. It may include things like dietary restrictions, holidays, prayers, etc.

I speak some Hebrew and participate/observe some cultural traditions, respectfully, mostly through the study of religious texts. I do not respect people who oppose mixed marriages, families or conciliatory transcultural existence and values.

I know and recognize the anthropological ethnoreligious nature of Judaism, and believe that Judaism should be recognized as centric to Jewishness, worldwide. I also respect the ethnic Jewish identity in those Jews that for secular or other reasons dissociate Jewishness from Judaism, and still see themselves as Jews.

Christians in Israel constitute the infrequent situation of a majority Jewish society with a religious minority in a need of legal protections. I support anti-discrimination efforts for Jews who identify as Christian, as they still face legal and social challenges for their faith, including Shoah survivors who were Jewish enough for the enemies of life and shouldn't be a second thought in a national homeland. I stand with the broader pro-reform and interfaith spirit of solidarity in modern hilonim, not the vision of kahanists, hostile Haredi, (Judeo-)Christophobes, etc.

If you want a more detailed read of my views on Christianity, Judeo-Christian relations, Hebrew Catholicism, theology in general:

On Judeo-Christian relations (polemic against Supersessionism) - I consider Supersessionism one of two doctrines the Church has to seriously address theologically in the spirit of reconciliation, the other being Jewish Deicide, already rebuked decades ago.

On the spirituality of evil in society. somewhat related: destructive v constructive activism as the main pitfall of social justice rhetoric, the ontological primacy of good and antinomianism, polemic against misanthropy and nihilism

On bodily autonomy, religious identity, communities of coertion and heritage (regarding baptism and circumcision)

I may add more eventually

One last comment for people who read this - I don't apologize for voicing my mind and I take what anyone has to say seriously. I don't block people and I don't do 'DNI's.

I try not to be judgmental. Even if something is wrong or comes from unwellness a person is saying it for a reason. The reason is not always obvious at first glance, but it may be sth legitimate and worth being heard. I'm the kind of person who wants to know rather than not.

If you treat people like they're disposable just bc it's inconsequential to you, I'd rather you just go your own way, cos you're gonna find me irksome. I don't understand why someone who clearly doesn't like another person would go their way to like their posts or interact with them, which happens more than you'd expect. Be principled, or at least, be coherent.

For anyone else if you're unsure but open minded about things that's no problem at all, I try to be open minded too. Pls don't be shy if you wanna reach out and talk about anything!

[aquilacalvitium]

If you're reading this, it means that I am now officially working for the NHS!

If you're reading this within the last few hours of it being posted, it means I am currently in my first training session!

All this means a lot less time for me to be online. I will probably be pretty active in the evenings, especially during my first week, as it's an easy, mindless thing to do when I'm tired.

This also means, less art and fanfiction updates. I mean my brain is always going so even if I'm at work I'll likely be throwing ideas around inside my head and end up coming up with a few things, but getting them out into the open takes energy and concentration which I won't have a lot of as my body adjusts to this new sleeping schedule.

So unless I feel particularly motivated one evening, don't expect anything original from me for about a week or so.

I promise I'll keep working on my submas fanfiction, and I still want to have a go at a mini comic with my fnaf glamrock sona, but other projects like my pokemon webcomic or that one crowd drawing that I've been putting off for months will have to wait a while.

In regards to that last one, I'm slowly working my way up to it again! I know a bunch of people are excited to have their sonas put in, so I promise I'll do my best not to make you wait too much longer!

Anyway! I'm terrified of starting this new job, but I can only do my best! Wish me luck!

[le-trash-prince]

Only Friends Episode 12 Thoughts

Overall, I think I'm pretty okay with how things ended! I didn't get everything exactly as I wanted, but I don't need a show to be perfect, and I got enough to chew on to make me happy.

I am sad that BostonNick didn't end up together, even though I know it was the right call, and it was honestly a better ending for them than what I was scared we would get LOL. Like usual I'll just make a separate post for this because I've got a lot to say about them

I do think Boston was owed more of an apology from his friends than what he got, but I'm not that surprised he didn't get it, and it's probably for the best that they're parting ways. And honestly, when a person is leaving the country, it can be easier to just say "Why bother apologizing if they don't give a shit anyways."

I know people were dissatisfied with Cheum's characterization as of Ep 11, but this episode really solidified how I see her--as someone who wants things to be happy on the surface and doesn't know how to really honestly confront what it is that people need. As the woman in the group, she's under pressure to be the peacekeeper and the nurturing influence and I don't think that role comes naturally to her. She's not good at it, and she shouldn't have to be. And I do honestly like that she was written that way. I wish she had gotten more screentime over the series, and maybe that could happen in a spinoff/sequel with some queer lady writers on the team. (I just finished the ep so I haven't looked at any announcements from the event on Saturday)

I do wish this series had been longer because it seemed it really had a lot of story to tell and not enough time to do it. But a longer season would also have been more stressful to deal with lmfao.

Some things I would have loved to see more of, off the top of my head: Daddy Dan, Sand's dad, Ray in rehab, Boeing.

I'm generally okay with where TopMew has ended up, and while I think there's more that could be explored in a future story, the only thing that really interests me regarding their relationship is Mew's physicality. But I would still like to see more growth from Mew, and I would like to know Top as a person because so much of his behavior and even his plans for the future are wrapped up in Mew.

I think SandRay ended on as satisfactory a note as could be managed. Did Ray's behavior towards Boeing piss me off? Sure. Do I think he needs more time to get his life together? Sure. Do I need a story to have its characters Do Every Correct Action Until Maximum Healthiness Is Achieved? No. They're talking things out and figuring out their relationship and that's what matters.

I am really gonna need that flight attendant!Boeing x NYC!Boston spinoff now thank you very much.

I don't hate the idea of a second season as much as I thought it would, although maybe it's because I'm biased and would want a season with BostonNick or Boston and Nick taking more central roles. I've gotten what I need out of TopMew and SandRay, but I think there's more story to be explored with other characters, and I wouldn't hate that. But I would hate to see tired breakup-drama second season tropes.

Debating whether I even want to catch up on everyone's reactions because I'm sure the ending was just loose enough to be divisive. Anyways I'm gonna go wrap up my playlist now bye lol

[artisticgreaser0]

REGARDING WELCOME HOME NSFW!

Okay, I feel like this is need to be said. This is going to be a long ass rant about the NSFW and Antis side of the Welcome Home Fandom. I'm fed up with this shit.

People have been time to time,every single day, posting and venting on about Clown's boudaries like Clown is some lil kid that NEEDS to be taken care of. Some, even crying and spreading misinformation about how NSFW is going to ruin the fandom and make Clown take down the official WH website/project because artists have been breaking theirs rules, pity me. I'M SO TIRED AND DONE WITH ALL OF THAT BULLCRAP!

IT NEEDS TO BE ADRESSED, IN THIS WHOLE THING HOW THINGS HAD GONE BEHOND OUR CONTROL!

WE HAVE OUR ACCOUNTS,USERNAMES,PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS BEING SHOWN ON TIKTOK,TWITTER,TUMBLR PUBLICLY TO MINORS WHO LATER HARASS/REPORT/SUSPENDS US WHICH IS SOMETHING CLOWN DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN AT ALL! Why can't ya'll read the ''DON'T attack people on my behalf'' post Clown wrote? Don't you get what Clown is saying? He's saying (DO NOT ATTACK PEOPLE BECAUSE OF ME). if ya'll TRULY respect Clown's decicions HOW,JUST HOW IS THERE IS STILL HARASSMENT,DEATH THREATS AND TWITTER ACCOUNTS GETTING SUSPENDED???

And to use the ''oh but why do you expect us to respect you when you haven't respect Clown's boundaries?'' Like,thanks gee….I CLEARLY TRIED TO BE AN RESPONSIBLE ADULT BY NOT SPREADING IT MUCH FURTHER AND NOW MINORS ARE SEEING MINE AND MY FRIEND'S +18 ATWORKS ALL THANKS TO ALL OF YOU! How many times are ya'll gonna pretend like minors aren't stupid and horny to TRY to see our accounts and all the porn we do? Why are you even comfortable with the IDEA of a minor seeing a page full of pornographic content to begin with enough to EXPOSE our names and artworks to them!?

WHEN WE NEED TO BE THE ONES BLOCKING,PRIVATING,RECIEVING DEATH THREATS,HATE AND REFUSIE THE ANONIMOUS QUESTIONS maybe just MAYBE it's because we are human and FEEL!

The last time I had this talk with an anti the person was 22 FOLLOWING UP TO +15 MINORS from 15-17 years old, HOW CAN WE TRUST YOU FOR ANYTHING?

It'ld be PERFECTLY FINE if the people you words spreaded it to were just TO adults but NO, THE HASHTAG WE USED ISN'T NO LONGER A SECRET AND WHO HAS REVEALED IT? Antis. All of this and putting words into Clown's mouth and defending blindly everything for the sake of keeping the fandom pure! WE HAD AN SECRET HASTAG,NOW KIDS KNOW WHAT IT IS ALL THANKS TO Antis and VERY responsible adults! (sarcasm)

Guys,I'm nobody's fucking parents to be worried about what these kids watch on the internet and I'm EXTREMELLY TIRED OF HAVING TO BLOCK MINORS WHO FOLLOW ME(THIS SHIT HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE!). If you want to bring awareness,this isn't the way to do it! As much as I hate talking about it, Clown HAS NOT helped regarding this topic. It's either a yes or NO question. If people misunderstood more than once what you said maybe it's because the message isn't clear, it's like you are writing like the words are making a fucking swirl and at the end there's no solid conclusion to what you just said.I have seen all this bullshit everyone keeps pulling, to realise that

Clown ISN'T A KID! THEY ARE THEIR OWN PERSON, THEY ARE A MATURE ADULT WHO TAKES DECISIONS!

and ya'll still keep attacking,harassing,reporting all because you don't see Clown as who they are!

Heck, directly asking, SHOWING OUR ACCOUNTS NAMES WHAT WILL IT DO? quick answer: Nothing!

-Minors will see our artworks -Minors will more easily find our artworks -You are gonna upset Clown -Minors will find our hashtags faster -They will expose our names -Accounts will be suspended -More hate and ranting within the community -pedo accusations and mass reporting

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS THIS WHAT YOU ALL WANTED TO HAPPEN SO THEN WHEN SHIT GOES WRONG YOU CAN BLAME US FOR IT?

Like, just tell me because I'm fed up. I love these characters AS MUCH AS YOU ALL DO! Nobody,nobody is doing this shit because we hate nor want to upset Clown! we all equally LOVE this project, but, this is TOO MUCH! And no one my friends nor me want this stuff to keep happening! we all are uncomfortable with minors and kids seeing our stuff, we private and they still lie,still prentend to see our shit because(SUPRISE NO SUPRISE) MINORS ARE FUCKING STUPID AND IMMATURE, THEY WILL NOT JUST REPORT AND IGNORE LIKE MANY THINK THEY DO!

I don't care if you hate me now,I open this will make someone reflect on the shit they go around spreading. I'll keep all my shit private and so will my moots because we are all tired to fight to keep this fandom stable. Bye.

[quicksilverlightning]

MEDICAL TALK - WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

(General all-around warning for talk of health and hospitals; I don't believe I've included anything too gruesome, but I am pretty plain-spoken below about what's been going on. )

You may remember the last post regarding my health, so here's both a sequel and a prequel as certain things have been cast into a different light.

About two-ish months before the colitis/mono double K.O. back in February, I got a UTI for the first time. There was some abdominal pain and I definitely recall bringing it up to my PCP, though ultimately let it go for not being all that big a deal. It is my suspicion that every thing actually began here instead of at the next round of happenings.

Next round of course being February - there were definitely two different illnesses being dealt with and the symptoms sort of fed on each other to keep me knocked out a solid two weeks; colitis made nauseous and unwilling to eat, while mono simply made me too tired to care. Thay said, the treatment plan I eventually landed upon did take care of things; beyond some residual symptoms, which were honestly expected, I thought it was going well.

I had a genuinely lovely April weekend - went to some local markets, hit a few stores I hadn't been to in a while, took the boys out a bit. When I first felt the same symptoms in the same place while kicking back thay Sunday evening, I was more annoyed that anything.

Really? This again?

I got in with my PCP that Tuesday, got the same meds again, albeit with a much less powerful pain pill, and went home, confident this would just be another go round.

While Mom and Mimi were worried about how much longer it was taking to get better, I was quick to remember that my first go with this was while on hydrocodone; it made sense to me that perhaps the first time wasn't faster, just better masked.

Meanwhile, my PCP was attempting to contact a gastro specialist. I do not know why this took so extraordinarily long, nor how I came to be involved in the game of phone tag, but there it is. The pain had been steadily moving from my left side, where it has always been, and seemed to be gathering in my abdomen instead.

I finally got to see a specialist, though her advice to go to the ER had nothing to do with any gastro trouble and more to do with me showing signs of afib (160!) and dehydration. Oddly enough, at no point did I notice my heart beat was that crazy, even after being directly told.

Anyway, the ER gets me fast tracked to the back to start dumping all the fluid ever into me and get my heart rate down. They can't even look at whatever's going on in my abdomen until they get me stabilized; sometime around 2am I got an actual room, which was nice.

Next up, I get a go in the CT scanner where they find a large abcess. Yes, I know, gross. My abdomen is badly swollen (I believe I heard 18cm) and needs to be drained so they can get a better look at what's going on in there, like trying to assess flood damage - you gotta drain the water first. Luckily, it's all between my skin and not in any of my organs, which would be an entirely different battle.

As of now, I've been in the hospital for about three days and will likely be here another three more, depending on what the eventual next scan finds. It's currently up in the air as to whether I'm going to need surgery or not.

The running theory is that the infection in my intestines passed through a fistula caused by the inflammation where it began doing damage there instead. Right now, all anyone can do is play the waiting game as the fluid drains away.

So, that's where I am right now; I'm simply too tired for any fandom nonsense and even if I weren't, I've been completely thrown off my rhythm and out of my headspace. I do not know when, or even if, I will ever get back to any of it. I want to certainly, but won't be making promises that may be out of my ability to keep. I have no idea how long I'm going to be in the hospital, or what sort of recovery process I'm looking at after, but I doubt I'll be going upstairs anytime soon.

[perceremade]

I actually have felt very awful all day. Well, all week, and all month, and all year, but more than usual right now. I've been limiting myself in regards to posting about it nothing I haven't said already, I don't want to go to school in 3 hours. If I werent a coward I wouldn't have to be in pain anymore though my dad calls suicide cowardly and selfish. I don't actually want to die technically, everyone knows how I've feared it all my life, I did have severe breakdowns over the thought of death itself and, also, the idea of afterlife and hell when I was 8, now I'm no longer like this. Even if the idea of no longer being alive scares me a little bit. After all, one day I'll be gone, how is that supposed to be motivating for me? One day I'll die. And before that, there's nothing for me. I have nothing. I'm nothing. Nothing is good about living. I've started to feel annoying, to myself, because posts about the small joys of life actually make me scoff now. Because I enjoy them but I'm filled with misery after remembering the reality of my life. I wish someone would kill me with love. Make it painless, one of the very few things that wouldn't be painful in this world... I keep saying this, but I'm so tired... I'm so tired. It will never be easier, someone like me... doesn't deserve it. When I was with my mom, I thought, I'll endure this, then be fine. Somehow, being out of that abusive situation, living is still hard. It makes some aspects harder, despite being treated so well... in regards to my necessities and not being abused, that is. They've said things that hurt me... if I mentiom it I get told I'm focusing on thr bad and I should be grateful. Adulthood is terrifying because I'm just a grown child when I was once so mature, I"m useless . What am I supposed to do? Theres nothing good about adulthood. Theres hsrdly anything good about living. I dont think life on earth is bad, but theres too much Bad for it to be worth it anymore. Thays why Ive mostly given up on trying to get better. I dont want to anymore, I dont want anything anymore, I want so much but none of it is attainable for me. Its really pathetic, Im so pathetic my online friends can leave me any time and be fine without me but I depend on it. Isnt that pathetic, too? ...I dont want irl friends. Its too much... I wish I couldve been a normal teenager. My chance ends after this year. I wish things didnt hurt this much. Everything. Theres a lot. Theres so much I havent said here. Theres so much constantly. And Im a nuisance to my dad , being this way, hes implied it. I havent been able to properly cry in a while, I tear up for a little and then it ends. Nobodu even hs to be scared that ill do anythijg to mysslf. Because I cant. But I wish.... I dont actually,but... I want a way out so desperately. Ive been yearning for it for a decade... and Im tired. I wish I could exist in my own bubble and just be there.or I wish something bad will happen to me, but I dont die, and then, Id get a break fromevedyfijg. Theres a lot more Im thinking a lot more to all of this thats going unsaid. Id be here all night if I did ... which isnt something I want.

[voluptuarian]

I'm so fucking tired... not physically (for once) but just like Of everything. I feel like nothing I do accomplishes anything, like I'm going nowhere, like I'm constantly on the edge of some disaster, and like I have no control over any facet of my life.

I realized in the middle of my stats class, which is always a miserable experience, as I was being faced with algebra yet again, that I have been grappling helplessly and inescapably with math for probably longer than most my classmates have been alive. It's supposed to end someday, and yet here I am, 35 and almost graduated and here's fucking algebra once again.

I'm desperate for money, so I try and get more/alternative work, but either it's dependent on others and so will never happen, or I literally do not have time to do it in. I try and sell things, and nobody will take them. Even when I try to buy things I can't find them, or afford them, or people selling them just ignore me, for no reason, which is why I still don't have a goddamn sofa. I can't even rely on people close to me to help me do the most basic things I ask them to.

College has made the passage of time feel like the end of the fucking world anyway, but now that I have one term's length in which to accomplish everything I've ever needed to do in my life every day that passes feels like a death sentence. Like getting to the halfway point of February fills me with absolute dread. I'm working so hard to get ahead on as much as I can in all my classes so I can avoid a backlog with finals, because if I have to take an incomplete on anything that will put my graduation in jeopardy, so I live like a madwoman now. I still have an incomplete from last term that I need to finish, but I'm too busy with my other courses to deal with it now, so I'll have to spend my spring break doing that. Never mind I need to get my name changed beforehand, and figure out what I'm even going to do after graduation-- I'll be out of money forever then, so I have to either have an internship set up, or be going straight into graduate school (not that I have any idea what I'm doing in that regard) or have something else set up. And any of those things requires some other person to respond to me, answer my questions, choose or approve me, so they're all obviously doomed, because I'm a like a non-person passing through life-- I already know any situation whatsoever which requires the approval or involvement of anyone but myself (which is like 90% of life) is doomed from the start, because even if they're not actively working against me out of some innate hostility that I inspire in half the people I interact with, they just feel no need to do anything or make any effort or even respond because they just don't actually register that I exist I guess. How am I supposed to be even educationally or professionally successful in a situation like that, let alone like ever have friends or a significant other or any kind of rewarding relationship whatsoever? (Not that I would ever have the time to spend on those lol)

Meanwhile I have to choose between buying things I need for my still-mostly-unmoved-into apartment, or spend my widow's mite donating to some new crisis that none of the powers that be care to do anything about. And I do this hopelessly-- I keep seeing posts that are like "don't lose hope for Palestine!" "I know Palestine will be free in my lifetime!" I don't believe that; I don't have hope. Palestine hasn't been free in my lifetime, it hasn't been free in my parent's lifetime, why would I think anything would change now? Some of my earliest memories are hearing about suicide bombings on busses in the 90s-- I've always known this situation would never end well, and I don't have any hope for it now when it's gotten worse-- I give what I can and do what I can and try to make an impact for a few individuals for awhile, but I don't have any hope for the future. And meanwhile, anything I do for one cause takes away from what I can do for any other cause elsewhere. If I give to Palestine today, I can't give to Ukraine tomorrow, if I give to Ukraine today I can't donate to a go fund me in America tomorrow...

(Let's not even get into the stress of the election, and what the fuck I'm going to do if somehow Biden doesn't win... like I will need to be out of the country ASAP then and don't even know I'll manage that...)

And on top of all this I live with a landlord who's remodeling our entire building while we still live in it, BECAUSE WHY WOULD I EVER HAVE ONE NICE THING so waking up at 8 am to insanely loud construction sounds and endlessly yelling and cussing workers is just a normal part of my life now. I will come home after a night shift and hope and pray that I can sleep for 4 hours before something wakes me up. I have to put signs up on my door every day with "do not disturb" or "on zoom please be quiet" or "no entry before 10 am" just to try and have a normal life, and I will STILL get people pounding on my door trying to get in regardless. I had to email my landlord just today going "no, having your incapable workers try to fix the terrible paint job they already spent four days inconveniencing me with on Monday morning at 8 am will not work for me, since I will have just come home from a night shift-- they have to wait till at least the afternoon to barge into my house and intentionally bring the value of my apartment down." I have no autonomy, no control, no normalcy, no routine, and no privacy in my own home, even when I live alone. That's more than I deserve to have apparently.

Everything in my life is just pointless, and meaningless, and completely out of my control no matter what I do, and I spend every hour of the day in dread of one thing or another. I feel like somebody turned on a laugh track the day I was born and it won't turn off until I die. And it's always been like this! It's always going to be like this! The situations change but the outcome is always the same and nothing I do ever solves it and I'm so FUCKING SICK OF IT

[roccinan]

"Martin came up with the gold idea". I think that was not true. I think the gold was obviously Andres idea. In LCDP season 3, when tokyo asked Prof whose idea it is... And the scene was Prof meeting Andres in Florence, Italy. it was obvious it was Andres idea.

I'm sorry if I have different opinion. 🙏🏻 I had to say this, God, I love Martin and his arc and stories. But i think the fandom is too exaggerating Martin and all about him. Especially with the Berlin Spin off. The main focus is Berlin and his stories. This fandom wouldn't be that disappointed if this Spin off were about Martin and his life, even if the trailer and stories were very bad written, and even if there is no Andres, and other former lcdp characters, people wouldn't complain. I too DISLIKE the new Berlin teaser, but not for that matter, it was for the stories, the wardrobe, and other things.

I think Martin is more than just a side gay character who's in love with the main character who is a fucking narcissistic. Martin is MORE than that. So many layers and stories and background, he's an interesting character. If he's going to be in the spin off, which I cross my finger and hope he will. I hope they don't make him desperate and pathetic like the way most of the berlermo fandom made him out to be.

This fandom idk, you cant say Andres is smarter than Martin or you'll be attacked and actually made Andres out to be this lazy fool who just like to do things for fun 🥲 Martin has good side, and bad side like everyone else, and i admire both sides, but, if I say something about Martin's Villain side (which I fucking love so much) they start justifying every bad things he did, and forced me to admit that Martin is actually a pure angel, a poor baby who got hurt, and went through shit worse than any character in LCDP. Big fan of Berlin and Tokyo here, they are my favs. But I don't mind if ppl having different opinions abt them regarding the bad shit they did, and I don't pretend they're good guys. They're criminals for god sake. And this is the funny part, say something nice or having different opinion about Prof regarding his friendship with berlermo, worse, they'll go as far as calling me homophobic. (which it was the dumbest defense berlermo fandom ever did) that's why I don't really involved myself that much into this fandom anymore. You can't really have different opinion about Martin, and if you do, they assume you hate him, and doesnt support LGBTQ community. and other related things.. You can have different opinion about other lcdp charachters, but nobody is more offended than berlermo fans.

I think it's the reason why this fandom is almost died. You can hate Berlin, tokyo, prof, alicia, and others, but you had to love Martin, period. Idk, if you notice this, there are only berlermo related accounts here in tumblr and even not that much, and only very few accounts that is lcdp whole fandom. There used to be so many lcdp accounts here too, all kinds of accounts, all kinds of people, but i guess they got tired like me. i used to have it too and crazy about the whole lcdp things, I still am only no longer here. Because as you see other fandoms like harry potter, sherlock, LOTR, SOA, and others, the movies and tv shows ended looong time ago, and the fandoms still very much alive. I guess in this fandom, you really can't have different opinion about certain matters. Very fanatics.

And berlermo is no more about Berlin and Palermo, it used to be, but now most of it just about palermo, even for the Berlin spin off, they expected it to be about palermo. I feel bad for Pedro though, reading all those comments in his IG. At least the fandom can say something nice or show a little bit of support.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, anon- how long have you been following me? Have you seen any of my previous posts/answers about everything you talked about? If you did, you would know that I.... don't disagree with you, so I have no idea why you're apologizing to me (?) or phrasing this in a way that seems like you're saying you disagree with my thoughts (but those are opinions I don't have?). If I misunderstood you, I apologize, but this message made me scratch my head for a while. Hmm, well I actually agree with 90% of everything you've said, so I'll try my best to say why I disagree with the other 10% (just my opinion, nothing more, nothing less!).

re: the gold: the most I can say is, sure, you can believe that. It was just a headcanon of mine, and I didn't think it was 100% Martin's idea. I looked over an older answer about the gold I had, and basically, the detailed explanation is that I think Andres wanted to rob the Bank of Spain, but Martin was the one who suggested the gold as the specific goal. So to me, I read Sergio's flashback as him explaining to Tokyo that the idea was something his brother and his brother's friend worked on together. Since Sergio even felt it necessary to ask Martin's permission to do the plan in the first place, I think it strongly suggests that the plan belonged to both him and Andres equally.

re: Martin and the fandom: I don't have a different opinion than you. I think I even made a joke to another anon before that if the spinoff was a wildly ooc story for Martin instead of Andres, a good portion of belermero/helermo fans would lap it up without complaint. When I and others complain about the spinoff, it's been about the same things you're complaining about- we just dislike the plot, wardrobe, and tone. And I thought I was very vocal that it's not just Martin I expected to see alongside Andres in the spinoff- I also wanted to see Jakov, Sergio, and even Santiago. Because I want to see Andres interact with people who are equally strange and who we already know to be his friends/family. To me, a story about Andres and a group of people he has no convincing connection with isn't a story about Andres at all. Which is why I'm skeptical of the spinoff plot- because I want it to at least be more about Andres than the new characters.

re: Martin in the spinoff: Absolutely agree. He's a complex character who's so interesting because he's Andres' exact equal AND an insufferable asshole in his own right, but his layers make him very rounded. "I hope they don't make him desperate and pathetic like the way most of the berlermo fandom made him out to be" ASDFASDF PLEASE PLEASE NO If they try to make Martin a pathetic loser baby like certain fanon does, I'd rather he just NOT even be mentioned at all. That'd make Martin DEAD in my eyes, dead and disgusting.

re: your vent: eh? I've never heard of anyone attacking anyone for saying Andres is "smarter" than Martin, but I've seen the opposite a lot for some insane reason- they just don't say the word "intelligent"- there was a while where a LOT of fans kept insisting Andres was more "cultured" and refined and taught Martin everything about crime/wealth because Martin was just some dumb hick who knew nothing about the world before Andres except misery and pain. This also goes hand in hand with making Andres some "lazy fool" who's so rich he got bored. And all of it was just to justify making Martin as inferior to Andres in every way for a nonexistent dom/sub dynamic (where imo, it's obvious that the people doing this favored Martin even though their version of Martin never existed).

I think there are things that Andres is better at than Martin because he's more interested in those things than Martin and vice versa. And Martin is onsidered more "intelligent" between them because well, he didn't give the mitochondria speech lol, and because he is canonly referred to as a genius who's likely as smart as Sergio. Plus, he is the engineer so by vocation, he would know things Andres doesn't. And I don't think it's a knock against Andres in any way to acknowledge this. Their relationship wasn't just Martin admiring Andres, the opposite happened too.

re: Martin's villain side: Anon, I think you've just been interacting with a particularly obnoxious group of people! Never came across those kinds of fans on tumblr though(?)- I could have sworn they were only on IG and twitter. I made it a mission to stay far far away from those types of fans asdfasdf they're so far in their own delusional version of Martin that it wasn't worth even trying to see their point. They're like, objectively wrong asdfasdf Pretending Martin was just some pure poor baby is a great disservice to the character, and as I've said before, turns him into a whiny incel. (And again, Tokyo is one of my favs LOL) The Sergio hate from palermo stans was also objectively wrong, but it was so ridiculous I found it hilarious every time. But I'm losing it over them calling you homophobic for suggesting a friendship between Sergio and Martin?? It was literally canon, like explicitly there. But these are the same people who think Martin was ever intimidated by Sergio, as if the opposite wasn't way more true.

re: opinions: I can confidently tell you anon that the problem wasn't you, it was the people arguing with you. Plenty of people in the lgbtq community hate Martin LMAO, it's the normal response. But again, I have to ask, how long have you been aware of my blog/opinions?? Because I think I've been pretty vocal about my differing opinions on Martin. You should also see the things nharidy has written about him LOL. And we were just fine vocalizing that. Sure, we had a smaller "following " in the berlermo community (at the time) for it, but it wasn't like Everyone disagreed with us to the point of wanting to argue. And nobody ever accused us of Hating Martin. So I don't think it's fair to claim all berlermo fans are like that, anon, and helermo fans did it too. It was just a certain brand of palermo stan that did it.

re: dying fandom: Again, anon, who have you been looking at and when?? Because if I recall, a LOT of the major fandom absolutely despised Martin. It was only the berlermo/helermo fans that loved him, and I should hope that if someone shipped berlermo, they would like both characters within the ship (unfortunately, a lot of them didn't care at all about berlin). That type of palermo stan was (and is) very very annoying, I won't deny that, but they were ultimately a pretty minor portion of the fandom and saying they're the cause of the fandom "dying" isn't a theory I can agree with. Lcdp fandom slowed down because most people were satisfied with the ending, and also because most of its fans are on other social media besides tumblr. It's very spread out, and tumblr just happens to not be the central place for it. It just maybe appears dead on tumblr because most fans aren't active here, and it appears dead on ao3 because very few people interact with fics.

I don't think anyone got tired (and if we're talking all of lcdp, serquel fans are alive and kicking! ralicia too, the berlin teaser still managed to rack in over 1M views on youtube, actually 2+M if you include the views from netflix India, etc.). And imo, berlermo fandom was never That big in the first place. It just felt that way because so many people got onboard in 2020, but they left literally 2 months later for an assortment of bland generic mlm ships in "bigger"' more wholesome fandoms/canons. But their version of berlermo was never true to it in the first place imo. The people still around are the people still around (on all websites) even if they're not as active anymore. Not every fan is public about what they're fans of too, it doesn't mean they're not doing things in private or just using other platforms or giving their attention to more recent shows. Also as someone who's witnessed some truly HORRIBLE HELLISH behavior in other fandoms, I truly think we should unironically appreciate lcdp fandom for what it is. I thank God everyday for it asdfasdf.

"Because as you see other fandoms like harry potter, sherlock, LOTR, SOA" Also tbh, anon, all the fandoms you listed are things with a WILD amount of canon and lore to digest, as well as more situations and characters to project onto. Lcdp has a lot of characters too, but not on the level of Gamd of Thrones, and it doesn't have a super backstory for every single character. With the exception of bbc sherlock, they're all fantasies too. Lcdp is more like Ocean's 11, Prison Break, Lupin, Fast and Furious, etc. - it's wild too, but more "grounded" and targeting a very different audience. Fans of this genre were never the type to be into online fandom in the first place, and when they are online, they're still less likely to be heavy into shipping, etc.

I'm sorry you felt that you weren't allowed to have a different opinion on Martin/berlermo though. Seems like you just didn't meet me and nharidy early enough haha! We would have welcomed your opinions.

"And berlermo is no more about Berlin and Palermo, it used to be, but now most of it just about palermo" ASDFASDFASD AGAIN respectfully, anon, Who are you interacting with?????? There have been a LOT more berlin-centric and "berlin and palermo" centric fics/takes since vol.2 came out. Not a lot yes, but still a lot compared to 2020. Literally 98% of any early berlermo fics were just about palermo with berlin There. Some of that 98% was well-done and when it was about a palermo I enjoyed, then it was still a well-done berlermo fic. But a VERY large portion of that 98% also contained exactly what you were complaining about- only palermo had the backstory, only palermo's feelings mattered, only palermo deserved the writer and readers' sympathy, sergio is the devil. So I can't agree with saying "most of it is just about palermo" now- that's not true to me at all!

And I think most people asking for palermo re: the spinoff are Not berlermo fans. They're just regular viewers who want to see Andres' canon best friend in his prequel show with him. Lots of peole are just confused over why Berlin's canon best friend isn't there with him. They also ask for Marseille and Sergio, even Rafael. Wanting Palermo to be in the spinoff =/= wanting it to be about him. And as far as I can tell, most of the comments on Pedro's IG are supportive? sure, some fan will ask about other characters and I'm sure there are people crossing boundaries/being rude for no reason, but the majority is happy to see him back as Berlin. Just look at the youtube comments as proof!

So all that being said, I hope my answers made sense. Most of it just comes from my own opinion/observation. I agree a lot with what you said, anon, but for the things were I didn't agree, I hope you can respect my opinion/reasons too.

[otomes-world]

Hello!

Congratulations on nearing 1k, I hope you can achieve new milestone later, like 2k.

I love your content honestly, it gave me the smile, chills and fun when i read them, i have a really great memory fot each post you make.

You make me smile when i'm having a bad day so thank you!

Btw this the request i want to make hehe ↓

I'm not shocked really, hehe cause i ahve a dream once about them.

and here, have my virtual hug!

I hope you have a wonderful day

(ღˇ◡ˇ*)♡

Thanks a lot! I am very pleased to know that you liked my work so much, honestly. Let me send you virtual hugs too (つ≧▽≦)つ

yandere!Deuce Spade x you x yandere!Ace Trappola

Many wondered how you with Ace and Deuce got along. You would be surprised if your trio could answer this question. If you were asked personally, you would say: this was how the circumstances developed. Another explanation was slow to come to your mind. The way you were approached by Trappola in the main square in front of the college, the way you met Spade in the room of mirrors - everything was pure luck, thanks to which you became the most famous trio.

You had time to fully realize what personalities made up the majority of the students, so most of the time you hung out with the duo of the first years. You dined together, went to classes, sometimes arranged sleepovers with watching films that they brought. You knew little about the culture of this world, completely relying on your friends in this regard.

The weekend had come, and you decided to arrange another joint evening. This time they brought some comedy CDs and a couple of horror films. You didn't mind, but you knew that Deuce didn't particularly like scary movies. So the idea to bring it was entirely Ace's. You sometimes wondered if he had set himself a daily task. As if he had not once teased a friend, then his day would not have gone as well as it could. Trappola liked to do the same with you, but you often answered to him. This was probably why in your company the egg lover got the most.

That evening you were especially tired, so you did not remember half of the film, as well as did not make out the voices of your friends, who, judging by the intonations, were arguing about something as usual. You propped your head on your hand and with sleepy eyes tried to follow what was happening on the screen, but without success. You no longer remembered who the main character was or what the story was about.

"Name, listen-.. Name?" Ace turned to you, but you heard his voice through the fallen veil, but the next `tsk` clearly. "Fell asleep. How could I come to like you."

"A-ace, you!.."

Before you finally drifted off to sleep, you heard Deuce's nervous voice and then shushing from redhaired.

You woke up feeling unable to move, as well as how uncomfortable it was for you to sit. Somehow freeing your hands, you raised them to your eyes and rubbed them, chasing away the remnants of sleep. When you were finally able to look around, you found that the TV had been turned off a long time ago, and friends decided to use you as a pillow. Trappola grabbed your waist, burying his head in you, and Spade, who slid down, did the same with your legs.

Feeling like a caterpillar in some kind of cocoon, you took a deep breath and screamed as loudly as your still unawakened vocal cords would allow, "Good morning!"

At the sound of your voice, the first years immediately flinched, instinctively letting go, which you took advantage of, standing up and moving further away. Although they themselves were not yet fully awake, the way they sent each other eloquent glances made you suspicious. However, neither the first nor the second had a word about the previous night. You frowned, but went to the stairs to the bathroom, making a note in your head to carefully examine your face in the mirror for inscriptions and drawings.

[byierficrecs]

when u go through submissions, do you read them before you make the graphics, post it etc? bc obviously some of these fics tend to be longer so do you have a backlog of fics you get through eventually and shorter fics to read/post if you havent finished any other ones? or do u post the ones with the most recs? is a combination of both where if a fic has more recommendations you dont read it vs if just one submission mentions it you read it? it im just curious as to how that works especially because you’ve mentioned that the graphics can take quite a while, which is pretty evident on account of how nice they look btw, so i was wondering how the reading side of that looked like !! (sorry in advance if i come across as rude or anything of the sorts in my ask, it genuinely wasnt my intention as i was just curious)

hello! anything under 40k i read in its entirety, anything over that (chaptered fics) i try to read a handful of chapters,,, maybe 10-15k to get a good idea of the vibe. it's also important to me because the submissions (and authors in ao3) sometimes omit relevant tags and it hasn't happened, but i'm scared i might at some point share something with some heavy warning that was not mentioned anywhere :S

(i've been in various fandoms and read a lot of fics,,, the amount of times i've read something with mcd that is not tagged or mentioned is unfortunately in the double digits ;-;)

in regards to the order in which i read the stories, it's the order in which they are posted! i try my best to do the submissions in the order in which they arrive, but i do switch things around depending on length (i try not to group long fics), author repetition and trope. for instance, domestic fluff tends to end up with pastel graphics and it'd be a bit much to post five thingies that look very similar in a row; so, i put other stuff in between.

sometimes, when i'm too tired or overwhelmed and don't want to read (it happens), i switch long stories for short ones on the go.

i've never just "trusted that a story is good", sort to speak. there are some authors i love so i know their stuff is good without reading it, but they also deserve to have their work read and i do still need to get the vibe right. fics that are shared more than once are rare (i think it's only happened 4 times in total), but i promise that is not a factor in how i organise or approach the stories.

(besides, if that were the case and i admitted it, then people would start spam-submitting the story so i'll hurry with the graphic and that would just make me sad and anxious)

i hope this answers your questions? i confess, i just woke up so this might not make that much sense x.x anyway, please don't worry about your tone, you didn't come across as rude whatsoever~ happy holidays!