#I can indulge in both my ships without having to feel guilty finally :'D

[giggly-squiggily]

i believe you when you say you're not gonna forget it but you're getting this ask anyway just so i can say thank you for indulging the uzusane and also sanemi with a mimosa is a physical need by now lol

Nya ha ha! I am here to deliver the ultimate Uzusane experience! (Well- at least within my abilities areljarjkekjrajke) I couldn't remember if you ship them or just wanted a Tengen-Sanemi centric fic so I left the relationship ambiguous. The important thing is- Sanemi's got a Mimosa! :D I hope you like it Rey! :3

Cloud 9 (Taglist Peeps):

@thatbigbisexual29 @duckymcdoorknob @wolfyeatstacos @gladdygirl18 @baby-tickles2022 @cupcake-spice13 @backy-san @t-wordiiish @sarahmaystock5578 @rachi-roo

Sanemi Shinazugawa was a simple man.

He got up, made his ohagi and tea in the morning, and went about whatever set of missions he was assigned to that day. Sometimes he managed to sneak a few hours of training in between reports, sharpening his skills and perfecting his breathing styles.

It was bitter, exhausting work; but Sanemi wouldn’t ever say that. Not out loud anyway. Master Kagaya gave his worthless life a second chance in this business. Complaining just felt disrespectful.

His brain and heart may have felt that way, but his body?

“Gaaaaah…”

His body had other plans.

“That’s one hell of a groan, Shinazugawa. Are you feeling alright?” Tengen looked over at the shorter man, understanding in his gaze as he watched him try to stretch out the aches along his spine. “You overworked yourself again.” “Shut up- I’m fine. This is noooothing!” He couldn’t finish without a groan as he  stretched, waking up another sore spot that sent pain pulsing down his legs. “...it’s nothing.”

“Uh huh. And I’m shorter than Shinobu.”

“Definitely dumber.”

“Everyone’s dumb compared to her- the point is, you’re clearly strained!” Tengen did a fancy gesture before pulling out a pamphlet- where he kept it, Sanemi had no idea. “Lucky for you- I’ve got just the place to go! Check it out; there’s this new spa that opened up-”

“No thanks.”

“It offers mud baths, massages, pedicures-”

“What the hell is a pedicure?”

“They even have drinks! We can get tipsy!”

“And just how are we supposed to do this? We have missions and…” At Tengen’s guilty look, Sanemi blinked.

“You didn’t.”

“He said it was fine!”

“What if I said no?”

“You haven’t really.”

“Kyojuro?”

“He went with me last time. I’m sharing the love!”

“What about your wives?”

“They’re having their own spa day with Mitsuri and Shinobu- look, Sanemi- you and I both know how badly you need this! Hell- I need this! Just looking at you makes my body ache.” Tengen rolled his shoulders in emphasis, letting out a low groan of his own. “It’ll be nice- just you and me; hitting up a spa and finally getting some good ol’ relaxation time.”

Sanemi considered. It did sound nice. The idea of someone riding his back of aches and pains nearly made his legs give out. And the idea of getting drunk was kinda fun…

“Okay- fine. Since you’ve already gone through the trouble of getting us both time off.” Sanemi rolled his eyes, trying not to blush at the whoop of joy Tengen let out.

~~~

“Welcome to the Wisteria Spa! We’re here to treat your chronic aches and pains.” The woman who greeted them was small but strong, her wrinkled face held a pair of eyes much like their own, and her smile was fond as it was warm. “You must be one of ‘Gaya’s children- it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“‘Gaya?” Sanemi raised a brow, even more confused when Tengen snorted.

“‘Gaya’ is Master. Madam Hira here knew all of the Master's family for generations.” The bigger hashira laughed harder at Sanemi’s shocked stare, turning back to the amused old woman with a bow. “Thank you for having us.”

“Of course. I take it you’ll be having the usual routine?”

“Yes! Oh and- can you bring out you know what? It’s Sanemi here’s first time afterall.” Tengen grinned at him, eyes twinkling. If there was ever a more humanized version of a red flag. Sanemi felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Oh, absolutely. Now- come in, come in.” ~~~

“Ahhh…isn’t this nice Shinazugawa?” Tengen was a picture of bliss, face painted with some sort of mint colored cream as the various girls worked on his arms and back, digging into the muscle with practiced movements. “All those demons we have to fight- we don’t get enough time to really relax.”

Sanemi would have responded had he not been fighting for his life. Hands clutching the sides of the table, he willed himself to stay still as the girl digging into his back dug out every knot within. It hurt- a lot more than he anticipated; but that wasn’t the issue. Pain he could handle any day of the week.

This however- it was torture.

“You know- I don’t ask you this alot, but how’s your personal life going? Did you finally get the guts to ask somebody out? I know it' a bit hard out there for someone like you, but I can help.” Tengen grinned at him around his mask, fighting down a laugh at Sanemi’s strained expression. “Too much for you, Shinazugawa?”

“If it’s too much pressure, I can lighten up.” The girl offered, voice kind and concerned.

“N-No. It’s fi-ine!” Sanemi grunted, wincing when a whimper escaped. Tengen’s eyes widened with glee at the sound, sharing a look with the girl working Sanemi’s back. “I can ha-handle it!”

“You sure?”

“Y-yes!” He could do this!

“He's a tough one- your friend Let's see what happens when you two get your feet done.” The woman working on Tengen grinned, earning a laugh from the others. Sanemi pushed his face against the cushion, scrunching his face against the worn leather. He could handle this- just focus on something else- something else-

“I know it's hard out there for someone like you, but I can help."

He didn't know why it cut so badly. It wasn't anything new coming out of Tengen's mouth.

At least now he had something to take his mind off the ache.

~~~

Turns out, Sanemi could not handle it.

“Oh man- you’re so ticklish!” Tengen laughed at the sight, grinning at the other as Sanemi sank in his chair, one leg pulled up to his chest while the other was in a vice grip. They had made it through the massages- barely in Sanemi’s case- and were now getting these “pedicures’ Tengen raved about.

It was nice at first- the water was warm and they were offered drinks once they were comfortable. Whatever they gave him was sweet and citrusy, fizzing against his lips as he sipped. He never really liked oranges, but he wasn’t going to turn down a free glass of alcohol.

Then the actual pedicure started and every nerve in his body lit up like a clap of lighting.

“Shuhuhuhuht ihihiihiiht! Gheahhahahahah, whihiihihihy dohehehehes it tihihihihickle?” Sanemi was doing everything in his power to not rip his leg free. Not that he could- the earlier massage plus the few sips of the fancy orange juice made his body feel like air, too floaty to really form any strength. “Gahhahahad, I’m so shahahhhaharry!”

Hm. Maybe that’s why they do this after? To make sure you can’t get away?

Sanemi had to give these ladies more credit.

“No worries, dear- you’re not the first to react this way.” The older woman working his foot laughed with him, hands unyielding as she scraped at his calluses with a small box. “Uzui’s friend- the blonde one who eats a lot- he could barely keep it together himself when we did this. Though I will say you’re much more ticklish than him.”

Tengen busted out laughing, delighted. Sanemi would have chewed him out had he not been fighting down an embarrassing squeal. Sinking in his seat, he covered his face with his hands, unable to muffle the sound of his giggle fits. “Ahehahahhahhaaha! Whehehehhen dohohohoes it ehehehehend?”

“Well, given they’re only on the first foot- not for a while.” Tengen tucked his arms behind his head, smiling in ease. “Try to enjoy it, Mr. Tickles. You’ll get used to it eventually. Have some more Mimosa.” The glass was pushed into his hand once more, fizzing and delightful.

Through his giggles, he managed to get it down in one gulp, earning a whooping cheer  from the other.

~~~ “What did I tell you? This is the best part of the whole day.”

“Hm…this isn’t bad at all.” Sanemi tipped his head back, the hot water steaming his skin and making him flushed. The final trip of their little spa day was a dip in the baths- the one thing Sanemi rather enjoyed.

Granted, he enjoyed all of it- but he wasn’t getting tickled here, so that was an added bonus.

“Aren’t you glad you came? I’m glad you came. You’re always so…tense. It’s bad for the skin.” Tengen leaned back against the edge, towel over his freshly washed hair and positively glowing. “You’d end up looking like one of those wicked witches from the fairy tales if you kept going.”

“Gee- thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

Rolling his eyes, Sanemi couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head at the other. “Can I ask you something? Why did you actually invite me out? It’s not as if we hang out often outside meetings and whatever.”

“Are you kidding? I’ve known you forever, Sanemi! Why would I not invite you?” Tengen’s voice was matter of fact- as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. “Sure- you and I might not be as tight as we could be but…I want to change that.”

Sanemi blinked, wondering if he should have drunk that second and third mimosa before coming here. It sounded like things were getting heavy. He didn’t know if he was in the right state of mind for this conversation. “Tengen-”

“I’m not…I’m not the nicest to you. I like to think my goofing on you is fairly harmless, but your face earlier when I asked about your personal life. You looked…hurt.”

“Well yeah- I was getting my body cracked in half.”

“You know what I mean- emotionally hurt; like my comment gutted you. I didn’t think about it before but…I go too far. I’m so adamant about getting a rise out of you so you can just-shit; relax- I forget you’re just as prone to bruise like the rest of us- if not more.”

The happy buzz of his drinks soured some in his stomach as Sanemi let the words fall into him. Was he that obvious? “It’s not like you're wrong though. I'm not exactly some sweetheart like Mitsuri or a lovable guy like Kyojuro. I’m loud, angry, rash- and a colossal jerk on a good day.” The water blurred some- must have been the steam. “I doubt anyone wants to deal with someone like me. This is who I am- a walking talking scumbag with an ugly mug to match.”

Tengen was quiet, the only sound between them was the shifts in the water.

“I really made you feel like that.” When he spoke again, Tengen sounded so, so sad. “I’m sorry, Sanemi. Really, I am.”

“D-Don’t be. It’s fine.” God- why did his eyes get so blurry? The steam was making them burn too. He turned away, hoping Tengen wouldn’t hear the break in his voice through the water. “I-I’m fine. I’m…”

A hand found his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

“You might be, but I’m not. I can’t be- knowing how much of an asshole I’ve been to you. Sure- you’re bold, brash- and some days I wanna throw you in the trash.” That got a wet laugh out of Sanemi. “But you’re also brave and resilient and willing to do whatever it takes to save people. You love others so much it visibly hurts- you just-care. And you know, I think that’s what the Master sees and admires most about you- what we all admire about you.”

Sanemi couldn’t make his voice work- too choked with tears. He didn’t turn around, but he did reach out to pat Tengen’s hand, hoping that would tell him everything he was feeling.

“You still need to work on your skin routine though. Scars aside, you’re dryer than Rengoku’s hair. What’s gonna happen if someone goes to stroke your cheek and they end up scraping off their fingerprints? They'd get away with so many crimes!”

Sanemi threw his head back with a cackle, the sound all the way from his belly as it echoed around the room. A snort escaped soon after, and then Tengen was laughing just as hard, hanging onto his shoulder as they laughed and laughed.

It was the first real laugh Sanemi let out in a long, long time.

~~~

“Wow…that was rather nice.” Sanemi felt good. Real good. His aches were gone- it felt like he was doing total constant breathing without having to try. If desired, he bet he could run all the way back home without breaking- that’s how good he felt.

“I told you! And you were gonna turn me down!” Tengen shoved him lightly, nearly sending them both off their feet. It was like they were two drunken idiots, even though the alcohol in their system was barely there anymore. “We should do this more often.”

“Head to spas? We’d lose our edge.”

“Nah- that’s a once and a while treat. I mean- hang out more. You and I.” Tengen was watching him, eyes kind. “I rather liked today. I feel like I got to know you more than before.”

“You sound like a guy in a romance novel. Is that how you got your wives? Practiced a few of those cheesy one liners everyday until they gave in?” Sanemi grinned, laughing when Tengen jabbed his ribs a few times. “Ahah! Ohohohokay okay!”

“You’re cheeky when you're relaxed. I like it. So…?” He waited, returning to the original question with a raised brow.

This would likely mean more teasing; Tengen would have a lot more to work with in driving him mad. His daily training sessions would be weekly, and he’d probably have less time to himself with how Tengen loved just popping in whenever he felt like it.

“Yeah…you know, I’d like that.” Sanemi smiled, nodding. “Let’s do that.”

Tengen whooped, throwing his fists into the air in victory. Sanemi ducked his head to  hide his grin, barely suppressing a chuckle.

Yeah. He’d like that very much.

Thanks for reading!

[missjanjie]

As I Lay Waiting | Goodedoll

this is a commission for @lepakonpaska and im super excited and think this came out quite well :D

Ship: Goodedoll (Gigi Goode x Nicky Doll) Word Count: 1.8k Rating: T

comission info

Nicky prided herself on being a good, supportive friend to Gigi. They had been friends since they met in their junior year of college, and have been inseparable ever since. She was there for her with every one of her passion projects, through every high and low, indulging her impulses or talking sense into her. And it was reciprocal, Gigi was a good friend, too. She was an amazing friend.

That, as far as Nicky was concerned, made the crush she had that much harder to bear. It was both a hindrance and a hope - a hindrance because she would always feel like she had something to hide, and that glimmer of hope that followed her around, saying maybe, just maybe there was a chance for them.

But that hopeful voice became awfully silent when Crystal came into the picture.

Crystal was Gigi’s type - she was funny, weird, unique, and as soon as Gigi set eyes on her, Nicky’s heart sank to the pit of her stomach. It was as if it were one of those scenes in a movie where the protagonist sees everything going wrong in slow-motion but they can’t do anything to stop it.

The worst part was that Crystal and Gigi were cute together. They had chemistry, and as much as Nicky wanted to cut her losses and move on with her life, it only made the longing she felt towards her best friend even stronger. Now she had an excuse as to why she couldn’t tell her the truth, though it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“I feel like my window of opportunity has closed. I had all this time to make a move and now someone else has swooped in,” Nicky lamented, making a swooping motion with her arm to illustrate her point.

“You make it sound like Crystal stole her from you,” Jaida told her. “The bitch ain’t psychic, she barely knows what’s going on in the present.”

Nicky groaned and lay back on her bed. “I know that, but it makes me feel better to blame her.”

“Of course it does. But that can’t be your solution.”

She rolled her eyes. “Then what is my solution? And please don’t say ‘talk to her’.”

Jaida shrugged. “I got nothing then, sis. Y’all have been friends for three years, you gotta find something.”

“Ah, putain,” Nicky muttered and rolled onto her stomach. It had really been three years of pining over Gigi - no wonder it was hurting so badly.

- Nicky had just finished her shower and changed into her pajamas when she heard a knock at the door. She furrowed her brows - she hadn’t ordered food and mail delivery usually stopped around eight at night. Regardless, she shrugged it off and opened the door. “Gigi?” she blinked in surprise, stepping to the side to let her in.

“Is now a bad time? Sorry, I know I usually call or text first,” Gigi said with a sheepish laugh as she went right into Nicky’s room and sat on the bed.

She frowned, following behind Gigi into her room. “It’s never a bad time for you, angel,” she assured and sat beside her. “Tell me what’s going on,” she prompted, placing her hand on the other girl’s knee.

“I…” Gigi swallowed thickly, “I think I need to break up with Crystal,” her face fell as she admitted that - it was the first time she had said it out loud, and her whole body seemed to deflate as she let herself drop backwards and lay on the bed.

Nicky suddenly became hyper-aware of every muscle in her face, needing to consciously contort each one to erase any sign of relief, god forbid the slightest glimmer of happiness. She pressed her lips together and swallowed before moving to sit cross-legged next to her on the bed. “You do? Why?”

Gigi kicked off her shoes before pushing herself up and sitting on the bed as well, her back against the mountain of pillows Nicky always had neatly arranged on her bed. She took the headband out of her hair, relieving a bit of the physical tension she felt, but not alleviating anything emotionally. “She doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship. And I mean, I don’t fault her for it, I know lots of people are non-monogamous. But me… I just don’t know if I can get on board with it,” she explained, her fingers tracing patterns into the duvet.

The conflict of interest for Nicky made it incredibly difficult for her to figure out how to handle this. She wanted to be the supportive friend she always had been for Gigi, but she would be lying if there wasn’t a big part of her that wanted to take the opportunity to get rid of a romantic rival. “You deserve to get what you want out of a relationship, so does Crystal. If you guys cannot see eye to eye on monogamy… I don’t know, maybe you need to think about if it’s worth sticking it out.”

“What if she changes her mind?”

Nicky shook her head and looked down. “Oh Gigi, you can’t change people just because you want a certain life with them,” it pained her to say even more than it pained Gigi to hear. This wasn’t the victory she had been hoping for - it didn’t feel like a victory at all. If anything, it felt like a twisted punishment. Gigi was in reach once again, only now it felt like she had to push her away to prioritize being a friend.

Gigi sighed sadly and rested her head on Nicky’s shoulder. “I guess you’re right. Thanks, Nicky, I knew you’d have the right thing to say.”

“Of course,” she said and gently wrapped her arms around her. “That’s what I’m here for.”

-

It had been a week since Gigi and Crystal broke up, and Nicky had finally gotten past the point of feeling guilty about it. She had spent hours upon hours talking to Jaida - or rather, Jaida put up with her for hours by reassuring her that it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t intentionally sabotage the relationship.

More than that, Jaida had kept the offer open that Nicky could text her whenever she needed to, and Nicky had taken her up on that a handful of times, especially after hanging out with Gigi.

Being with Gigi had started to feel normal again. Nicky did her best to help Gigi both mourn her ended relationship and move on from it, all while keeping her own feelings bottled away. This wasn’t about her, it wasn’t about her crush. She just had to keep reminding herself to not make Gigi’s relationship about her own feelings.

So, barely ten minutes after Gigi had left her apartment, Nicky got her phone out to text Jaida.

“Gigi just left, and I swear this gets harder every day. I can’t fucking look at her without thinking about how badly I want her. Every time she speaks I’m just reminded of how crazy I am about her. C’est un fucking nightmare, Jaida! But it’s also not, you know? Because it still feels so good to be with her and I never want her to leave. Is this love?”

Nicky set her phone down and went to the kitchen to grab herself a bottle of rosé cider. Upon her return, she opened her phone to her messages and her eyes widened in horror.

Jaida and Gigi were the last two people she had texted, which would explain why when she had haphazardly gone to text Jaida about her romantic woes, the block of text was sent to Gigi herself.

Nicky tossed her phone across her bed in horror, knees curling up under her chin. Maybe if she didn’t touch her phone, nothing would happen. Maybe if she tried hard enough to will away the mistake, she would be able to look at her phone and see that no message had been sent at all.

Then she heard that familiar tri-tone. “Merde.” Nicky watched her phone carefully as she approached it, as if it would explode under her touch. With a deep breath, she picked it up and, of course, the text was from Gigi.

“I don’t think this was meant for me, huh?”

Nicky wanted to scream, and another text came in before she could reply.

“I’m coming back over.”

This time, she did scream, albeit into her pillow. At least she got it out of her system so by the time Gigi came back, she was no longer in the middle of a nervous breakdown. She froze when she heard a knock at the door, and had to force herself up out of bed, fighting with herself all the way over until she opened the door. “Gigi, I’m so sorry, I-”

Gigi cupped Nicky’s face with both hands and kissed her deeply, stepping inside and kicking the door closed behind her in one swift motion.

Nicky, on the other hand, nearly fell backwards with shock, grabbing onto Gigi for support when she nearly lost her balance. As confused as she was, she kissed back - she wasn’t about to pass that up regardless.

“How long have you felt this way? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Gigi breathed out when she let Nicky go.

Nicky blinked, her mouth forgetting how to form words for a moment. “I… guess a few months after we became friends.”

Gigi laughed, grabbed Nicky by the shoulders, then leaned her head against her chest, still a bit out of breath all the while.

“Are you… okay?” Nicky wasn’t sure if she was supposed to hug her, have her lay down, or ask if she could smell toast.

“I just can’t fucking believe it,” Gigi explained when she finally pulled herself together. “Do you know how long I’ve had a crush on you?”

Nicky stared blankly. “Obviously not. What about Crystal?”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I really liked her too,” she clarified. “The relationship I had with her was sincere, but if I knew that was how you felt… I don’t know, I probably wouldn’t have pursued her in the first place.”

“I need to sit down,” Nicky laughed dryly, moving to the couch and gesturing for Gigi to follow. “So, what does this mean for us?”

Gigi shrugged. “I mean… we’ve waited long enough, we could give a relationship a try. If you want to, that is.”

Nicky smiled, leaning over and pressing a chaste kiss against her lips. “Of course I want to,” she laughed. That was all she’d wanted from the beginning. Sure, she was kicking herself for waiting this long, all things considered. But she had Gigi now, and that was worth all the wait.

[avelera]

⭐star⭐ The Only Way Out Is Down :D

The original meme was: Reblog this if you want readers to come into your ask box and ask for the “director’s commentary” on a particular story, section of a story, or set of lines. Or, send in a ⭐star⭐  to have the author select a section they’ve been dying to talk about!

Sorry it took a second to get to this! I kept mulling over what I wanted to talk about that I haven’t gone into detail on already. Usually I sorta default to the Drift section in the chapter “The Handwriting of God” because it was a late addition to the story that I’m very proud of, but I’ve talked about that before.

Soooo, I think instead I’ll go into detail about how the “twist” in the chapter “Treachery” was constructed, because I feel like I learned a lot as an author by doing it and it’s probably the single thing in the story I put the most effort into. Warning, this is very self-indulgent ;P

This is gonna by default have a lot of spoilers for The Only Way Out is Down so please don’t read below the cut unless you’ve finished the story unless you want to be spoiled!

The “twist” in question is the revelation that Hermann’s own traumas with regards to Newt’s possession are writing the “sins” that they’re visiting in each Circle, and that they’re Hermann’s sins in particular, not Newt’s. Furthermore, he’s been identifying himself as the guide, Virgil in the original “Inferno” by default, having convinced himself he’s the hero of the tale here to rescue Newt and not require any saving of his own, when in fact the role he fulfills is that of Dante, the man in need of rescuing from sin. This comes to light in ch. 12, Treachery, after Newt and Hermann have consistently failed to figure out the central logic for why the Circles are styled as they are, or why they break when they do in order to free them to move on to the next and hopefully to free Newt once all 9 are completed. 

This twist may not have been planned since ch. 1, as such, because I started the fic as an Inferno-based character study of Newt with the question of, “How do I do a Newt Recovery Arc story where Newt is actually present from the very first chapter?” I’d been reading quite a few Newt Recovery stories at that point, and noticed that somewhat by necessity they all began where Uprising left off: with Newt bound to the chair and the Precursors speaking through him. Then the inciting incident would begin that would allow Newt to finally break through, but usually that was several chapters in.

So I realized 2 things from the outset: 1) I didn’t want the Precursors still around. They just create too much plot to solve and questions to cloud the narrative like “When is this Newt? How good are they at faking him?” and what to do with them after Newt’s freed. Are they all killed? Does the war happen? It sets up a whole huge conflict that also asks the question of how Newt is involved with a theoretical Pacific Rim 3. So I decided this was going to be a Pacific Rim 4, the Precursors are already dead but for some reason Newt STILL won’t wake up, allowing the narrative to stay focused on his recovery with no dangling questions after. 2) Obviously, in order for Newt to be there from the beginning, we need to start inside his head. This made it even more a mindscape journey. His POV gives us reasonable assurance that this is really him and he’s not corrupted. He remained psychologically separate from the Precursors, which is the story’s world state that I deliberately set up so I also didn’t have to answer questions of “how guilty is Newt for what the Precursors did?” He’s not guilty and he actually knows it, because that separation remained distinct in this particular interpretation. 

Originally, Newt was absolutely supposed to be Dante, the man at the center of his life who is lost with no way forward and must go on a spiritual journey to regain himself, which may be a bit unfair and confusing for readers to solve the twist because he sees himself as Dante in his opening monologue. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to set up that expectation and then flip it for one simple reason.

 I didn’t want this to be a “Hermann saves the day” story.

The narrative structure of a lot of Newt Recovery Arcs by default place a lot of pressure on Hermann’s character to be the rescuer and the Knight in Shining Armor. That can lend itself too to a character who has all the strength while the other has all–or most of–the weakness besides maybe the occasional moment of doubt. I didn’t want to do that. In fact, I wanted to deliberately subvert that. I’d already done a story with Prayers to Broken Stone where one half of the ship is in crisis and the other half rescues them, and I always thought that story was a bit flawed because it made one side out to be this angel who never tires of their constant rescuing of the other, and the other out to be desperate and broken and crying all the time. I wanted to do a more balanced rescue story,  with mutual rescue, which is one of my favorite tropes for romance.

I started realizing even from ch. 2 in Hermann’s POV that Hermann was Not OK. That the years separated and the revelation of Newt’s possession had shattered him, but he had duct taped himself back together and fiercely refused to acknowledge he was anything but the hero designated to rescue Newt from his coma. Even the fact he’s spent a year Drifting with Newt to try to revive him was meant to be the reader’s first warning sign. Hermann isn’t just being a good partner, he’s not just a hero doggedly refusing to give up. He’s broken. He’s repeating the same attempt every day, shattering his own physical and mental health in order to dash himself to pieces against the problem of Newt’s recovery. This should be the first warning bell for the reader, and for Newt once he’s regained enough of himself to start paying attention to Hermann’s mental health.

I conceived of a crossover style narrative, where Newt would begin the story outwardly broken and in need of healing and begins to transition as he healed into the stronger party of the two. He starts breaking Circles all by himself as early as Circle 5, the midway point, technically he did so with help all the way back in Circle 2 but was too in his own head and convinced of his own weakness to notice. The point of Newt’s arc would be that with each Circle, he gets a bit of himself back. He faces his old traumas and re-writes them to become victories. The reality remains unchanged, sure, but new memories help to ease the old ones. 

By the end, Newt’s only remaining trial is to face the memory of the Precursors and realize he was a hero the whole time, that he was targeted because of his strength, that they attacked his self confidence deliberately because they knew he was strong enough to defeat them, and that he doesn’t need to be prey to their manipulation anymore. Then, he’s able to step free of his own traumas in order to save Hermann. That was the big subversion I had built in from Ch. 2 onward. I wanted Newt to be the hero of his own recovery, not without help, but the help was to pull him out of the depths of despair so he could be his own hero. 

Hermann’s assurance that he’s the hero of Newt’s story is in fact hubris, and that hubris is why it takes him so long to figure out what is in fact the embarrassingly simple reality that they are in the Drift, so these Circles are constructed from both their memories and the traumas being addressed belong to both of them. His blindspot is himself, as it is with many people. Newt doesn’t recognize this in part because Hermann is so tight-lipped and secretive about the trauma of those 10+ years. So Newt is buying that Hermann is fine because Hermann says he’s fine. That is, until the evidence becomes overwhelming that he isn’t. Each Circle has in fact, brought Hermann face to face with his failures, and it’s reopening the wound until the point where he shatters from the self-imposed guilt.

Hermann’s arc in the story is also a recovery arc, but he needs to actually finish falling before he can pick himself up again. “The only way out is down” is the title and the theme of the story. In order for recovery to begin, they have to push deeper into the things that hurt them, rather than running away, before they can come out on the other side. Newt had to regain his strength because he’d already hit rock bottom and was honest with himself about this fact. Hermann’s journey is first and foremost to stop lying to himself. He can’t begin to recover until he’s acknowledged that losing Newt, learning Newt was possessed and he did nothing to prevent it, the vengeance he took on the Precursors by destroying their planet, and the devastation of that not being enough to wake up Newt immediately actually broke him and he is not ok as a result. It may seem outwardly that the narrative is therefore punishing Hermann, saying he needs to be pushed down while Newt is raised up, but I always envisioned it more that the wound has festered. It needs to be reopened and cleaned so it can heal properly, even if on the surface that looks like he’s being wounded all over again, it’s actually a step in the healing process.

So knowing this was going to be the parallel arcs of the characters back in Ch. 2 I actually went ahead and said it in the dialogue:

“…The journey into Hell was instructive, not punitive.” Hermann frowned. “But you are not Dante, and I am not Virgil who can keep whatever is down there from harming us….”

In addition, many times Hermann notes Newt’s parallels to Virgil without connecting the dots, for example when he notes in the same chapter that Newt’s catchphrase, “Fortune favors the brave,” is actually a Virgil quote. Hermann assigns himself the role of Virgil/Savior, and Newt goes along with it because he doesn’t know Hermann needs saving too, but it’s Hermann hubris and part of that too is that Hermann did not do a close enough read of the text until it’s too late. 

Hermann is the one going on a journey into a strange place, which is Newt’s mind, where he is in fact an outsider. Newt is a native of this Hell, just like Virgil. Newt has seen all these memories before. While Hermann has a surface level knowledge of Inferno and the order of the Circles of Hell, that doesn’t mean he’s an expert on what’s actually in them the way Newt is. In fact, as early as Limbo, it’s Hermann asking Newt to explain what’s happening in the Circles/memories, in dialogue that is deliberately cribbed in its formatting from The Inferno. 

“"Tell me, my master, tell me, lord,“ [Dante] thenbegan because [he] wanted to be certainof that belief which vanquishes all errors,"did any ever go – by his own meritor others’ – from this place toward blessedness?”

Parallels with:

“Newton, stay with me, what are we looking at here?”

“I’m trying, Herms, but.. ugh, I think I’m feeling kind of seasick? I’m here but I’m also…also there? I don’t…”

“Why would it be showing you this? This level corresponds to Limbo. Think!”

Even the opening quote from Inferno in the chapter summary is taken from when Dante and Virgil go into Limbo and is meant to be one of the first clues of what’s really going on:

The poet, white of face, began: ‘Now, let us descend into the blind world below: I will go first, and you go second.’ And I, who saw his altered color, said: ‘How can I go on, if you are afraid, who are my comfort when I hesitate?’ And he to me: ‘The anguish of the people, here below, brings that look of pity to my face, that you mistake for fear. Let us go, for the length of our journey demands it.’

The poet is Virgil, who is in distress when he thinks about the horrors encapsulated in the Circles, which mirrors Newt’s fear of going into them. Similarly, the next chapter’s quote is: 

I learnt that the carnal sinners are condemned to these torments, they who subject their reason to their lust.

But Newt didn’t choose, in TOWOID at least, to be subjected to Drifting with Alice. Newt is not the one who subjected his reason to his lust. Hermann did, by his own admission, when he admits he was too jealous of Alice taking Newt to visit Newt in his new home when he was invited, where he might have begun to learn that something was wrong. 

There’s a thread of anti victim-blaming in this story that actually gives away the answer to the riddle very early on, when you realize none of the sins could apply to Newt because Newt was under duress in every memory, while Hermann had free will, which is the only way one can properly have guilt, which is what the Circles are actually addressing: Hermann’s sins, Hermann’s guilt, what Hermann believes he should have done differently to save Newt sooner, meanwhile these memories are constructed too so that Newt can gain strength from seeing himself freed over and over, from that demonstration that someone did are about him. 

This goes back to ch. 1 when Newt gives his furious rant at Hermann for never noticing or caring. It’s not that Newt is actually mad at Hermann, by his own admission, he just wanted to see that someone cared enough to try to rescue him, and that’s what the Circles are accomplishing for him. Thus, the Circles are constructed from both of their needs, but Hermann’s is opening his eyes to how terribly he’s been beating himself up for not doing something sooner, to the point where he finally cracks and admits it to himself as well as Newt.

This is why I needed to do two drafts. Because like the characters, I actually went into the Circles not really knowing myself what made them break or not. I resolved to write out all the best thematic “memories” to match the 9 Circles and then find the internal link between them after. That required me to re-write Wrath, actually, in order to make sure it was clearer that Hermann was th eone who got angry, not Newt, and to throw up enough smoke around Newt’s body killing Hannibal Chau to make it seem like he was the one who acted with the traditional definition of “Wrath”. 

Actually, each Circle is very carefully constructed so that Newt’s actions are the surface level definition of the sin discussed, but Hermann is the one who actually committed the sin. Newt is physically suspended in Limbo, but it’s by the Precursors. He’s trying to reach out, but he can’t. Hermann is the one with full autonomy who refuses to reach out once he perceives himself as rejected. Lust has Newt in the throes of physical pleasure, but it’s not a pleasure he chose and Lust itself is not a sin. It’s the act of Lust being used to harm others, Hermann’s sexual jealousy of Alice leads him to the sin of abandoning (unknowingly, he’s actually pretty hard on himself) Newt to these torments. And so on. 

A lot of effort was put with the second draft to make a casual reader see the sins as Newt’s and the careful reader to see the sins as Hermann’s. By knowing this from ch. 2 on I was able to interweave into the story these two layers so that a careful reader could sense something subtly off about the characters’ interpretation of events, e.g they’re Newt’s sins, until the final revelation in the chapter Treachery, which I hoped would be a gut punch when everything fell into place, which in a way is the “passage” I’m responding to with this ehehehehe….

[stephicness]

Muahaha a fun one for you because you know I had to. Ravus x Sheridan. :D Because I'm *totally not* writing a drabble piece about them.

Ah, I knew this would be coming my way. XD Okay, okay. I’ve gotcha, fam. Have the meme with these two ACTUALLY being together legitimately. Kinda~

Send Me A Ship, and I’ll Tell You…

Featuring:Ravus Nox Fleuret / Sheridan Edmonton

(Under a read more, because this got lengthy!)

Who said “I love you” first?

I feel like there never really is an established ‘I love you’ between these two. Like, don’t get me wrong – the two are smitten by each other and find themselves in each other’s company alot. But Ravus finds himself to be a man of few words unless necessary – for all of his words should have some sort of meaning behind them. And Sheridan’s often a bit too stubborn in confessing anything romantic in fears of rejection. So the two never openly mentioned their ‘love’ for one another. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t show that they care in other little ways. Like Ravus giving Sheridan a piggy-back ride when his prosthetic legs are too much of a burden on him. Or Sheridan sending Ravus flowers whenever the commander’s on his mind. The little things are what ultimately hold more value than the three little words they avoid saying to one another. 

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background?

This would probably be Sheridan. He’s much more tech-savvy than Ravus, preferring to text and call by phone than to send letters and writings. He’d sneak a few pictures of Ravus, hoping to set it to his background until Ravus notices what Sheridan is doing. So the next time, he asks Sheridan if he would like to take a picture together – for better memories and keeping. Sheridan ‘reluctantly’ agreed, and thus setting his wallpaper to the two of them, to always have Ravus close on the mind whenever he misses the commander.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror?

This one’s probably more of Ravus’s doing than Sheridan’s. Sheridan has a much longer wake-up routine that Ravus would – lounging in bed for another hour, working up the nerve to finally get up and check his phone, going to get some coffee and food for breakfast, then finally getting into the shower. Ravus? He wakes up, brushes his teeth, and then hops into the shower before he does anything else. So when Sheridan finally gets up, Ravus is usually finished and off to have breakfast set-up by the servants at the manner while Sheridan makes his way to the bathroom to see just how bad his bed-head is. He often sees small little messages from Ravus. Simple ‘Good Morning’s’ or ‘I Love You’s’ jotted down in that fancy cursive. Sheridan ends up smiling like an idiot before he takes a picture of every message Ravus left for him on that morning mirror.

Who buys the other cheesy gifts?

Again, this one’s something that Ravus does more often than Sheridan. Sheridan does send Ravus quite a few gifts – mostly of flowers from the shop he works at. But Ravus finds himself sending letters with gifts attached to them. Flowers, stuffed animals, a bottle of Sheridan’s favorite liquor with a note that tells him to save it for when they can see each other again – the little gifts Ravus sends often seem a bit uncalled for in Sheridan’s mind, but they provoke a smile nevertheless as Sheridan tries his best to keep the flowers alive for as long as he can and keeps the other gifts in the best possible condition as well.

Who initiated the first kiss?

Sheridan probably did, though it was a small gesture at first – a thank you for Ravus’s kindness as Sheridan was held for experimentation by the Empire for his prosthetic MT legs. The times where Sheridan was treated as if he were human rather than a doll to be shown off as when Ravus was willing to use his authority and have Sheridan in his company. The gestures seemed as if they were out of pity at first, but the two began to grow on each other. And with the moment just right, Sheridan’s eyes watching Ravus as they spoke of escaping the Empire, Sheridan found himself being captivated enough to kiss Ravus. The moment was only brief, subsiding in the next before Sheridan hung his head and asked to return back to Verstael’s labs – it wasn’t his place to do that, unfortunately. But nevertheless, the two remained in contact – so much so that the next time Ravus saw Sheridan, it was his turn to initiate a small kiss to Sheridan’s lips.

Who kisses the other awake in the morning?

Sleep was hardly a pleasure that Sheridan could indulge in when he resides at the labs, so he often finds himself sleeping in later than Ravus ever does. And with night terrors always haunting Ravus, he finds himself only getting seldom rest. So as Ravus jolts away from the awful memories that lingered in his mind, he often finds Sheridan resting there, blissful and safe knowing that he will wake up at the commander’s side and not an empty box before Verstael interrupted his rest during his rounds. Despite Ravus not getting too much rest, the thought of knowing that he could keep someone safe is pleasant enough for him to relax. With a small kiss to Sheridan’s forehead, he lays back down, gently stroking Sheridan’s back as he waits for Sheridan to wake up for the day.

Who starts tickle fights?

Unfortunately for Ravus, Sheridan isn’t ticklish – at least, not in anywhere obvious. Ravus had attempted once with his silly antics of blowing raspberries into Sheridan’s neck, but Sheridan wasn’t quite having it and quickly turned it on Ravus. A single nail raking down Ravus’s back provoked an arch in his form and an involuntary moan that caused the two of them to blush profusely and quickly back away. The two never seemed to speak of the incident again, though Sheridan sometimes threatens to do it again – only prompting a sarcastic ‘By all means,’ response from Ravus. This only causes the two to blush once again before quickly changing the subject.

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower?

The two share an unfortunate similarity, which seems to make the two all the more anxious in realizing that they need each other – and that’s the fact that both of them are disabled. Sheridan finds himself unable to take a proper shower without assistance in the removal of his prosthetic legs and in getting into the tub to take a bath to begin with. One from there, he’s usually fine. Ravus, on the other hand, can perform most functions on his own, though his lack of arm often causes him struggles in reaching places that is limited by his single arm usage. Ultimately, however, it was Sheridan who asked Ravus to join him, seeing how he was unable to get into the bath tub without freakishly crawling inside. So Ravus would help Sheridan into the tub first while Sheridan would help Ravus wash his back and scrub his hair – teamwork, after all!

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch?

Due to past altercations with the Empire, Sheridan would never be seen near the Imperial facilities that Ravus has to constantly inspect and tend to. And with Ravus so busy with his duties as the high commander, Sheridan rarely sees guests at the flower shop unless it’s a barkeeper demanding that Sheridan finally pays off his bar tab sometime soon. But despite the lack of visitations unless Ravus was conveniently around Altissia at the time, the two cope by simply sending messages back and forth to one another. That is, until one day Ravus appeared at the flower shop, complaining about how one of the most beautiful flowers in the shop wasn’t getting the proper care that they needed. It was just like the past when Sheridan was still Vestrael’s doll – Ravus always stopping by and commenting how flowers needed light and care in order to grow.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date?

Perhaps to many, their first ‘date’ wouldn’t really be considered as such. A fateful meeting where the commander found himself feeling guilty for watching the brutal display of the Magitek’s potential on humans – one that resulted in Ravus using his authority to have the infamous ‘doll’ released into his care for the time. Disguised as another experiment to earn Sheridan’s trust, Ravus’s true intentions were merely to show mercy upon the doll, giving them a chance to spend a day away from the labs and away from the torment. He had remembered the sight of the doll, forced to fight against a daemon armed only with the metal legs bestowed upon him. He remembered the doll trembling with legs bleeding as the stood victorious before the creature. He remembered the look of hatred on Sheridan’s face as he approached the cell and told him that he would be released into his custody for the day. Sheridan remained weary and distant, suspicious of the commander’s actions. And the tension, unfortunately, never subsided during their first encounter with one another. It would take time, but eventually the two began to see that perhaps neither of them was the enemy to begin with.

Who kills/takes out the spiders?

Neither of them are truly afraid of spiders, but Sheridan really dislikes them. Nasty little things that he catches out of the corner of his eye as he’s trying to apply on his make-up on, bigger than he thought and causing him to jolt and smudge his eyeliner. So in an angry fit, he grabs a sheet or two of toilet paper and destroys the blasted little heathen with it. He frowns, leaving the smushed corpse out as a warning to the other tiny arachnids – that Sheridan wasn’t fucking around. Ravus would walk in later on, seeing the dead spider and jolting out of the sheer surprise that it existed there. But he’d clean it off and allow that warning to be redirected to the trash bin.

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk?

The two are rather peculiar when they get drunk: Sheridan has a high-tolerance to liquor while Ravus has strong willpower to avoid drinking that much. That still doesn’t mean that Sheridan is as immune as Ravus is. The night started off with a glass of wine, which turned into a bottle, which turned into two. And Sheridan found himself with his head on Ravus’s lap as the commander stroked the long black locks with his head tilted onto the back of the couch. Sheridan talked, telling Ravus how strange it was that he was able to be with someone and feel so calm after all these years, and Ravus found himself agreeing with the statement. Perhaps not a direct confession – even as the two found themselves falling deeper into the moment until clothes were gone and the two toppled into bed together. And unfortunately, the confession was never continued either, as Sheridan laid his head onto Ravus’s chest and Ravus merely held Sheridan in his arms as the two fell asleep. Perhaps the declaration didn’t need to be said – because it was moments like this where the two were able to finally feel at peace with themselves and each other.