#I call myself heartless aro but even I’m not that cruel

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

Why are break ups so fucking Hard man

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Thanks for allowing vent,,,, ive been told to say thanks instead of sorry. But yeah. I just.

I don’t think I want a relationship. And that’s such a scary thought. I’ve been taught all this time that it is great and amazing and beautiful and fun and I’ve had my chances to be happy time and time again and every time I just can’t feel anything except broken. I want friends that are friends in my way. I love them all so much, and I’m terrified of it being less than on their side, or never enough, that I can never be happy in any relationship, because all I want is friendship, but my definition of friendship is apparently too “much” to be “just friends”. I hate that phrase. I’m never gonna have a more than friend, am I? Because people believe they’re less when they’re not, I’m never gonna feel like other people do. I want to be happy while dating but no matter what I just can’t. What the hell is wrong with me? What if all my friends leave me? What if I’m never gonna be happy? And I don’t want to experiment because it’s only gonna hurt people. I’ve been in like, five relationships. Not a single one did I actually want. Some are from elementary school, way too young to count, but the other two/three are there to slap me in the face. I never understood romantic relationships, did I? I kept thinking I would like it, I would want it, be okay with it, and every fucking time I was wrong, and I didn’t even think to question if I was aro. Just felt like I was heartless and unlucky or doomed. I have the most wonderful partner I could ask for. And all I feel is awful. All I feel is dread. I don’t wanna hurt them. I never meant to hurt them. And the worst thing is that I don’t think I want a relationship, but I don’t want our dynamic to change. It might though, if we break up. They won’t be as close to me, they’ll want distance, they won’t want to call all the time and love so openly anymore, because theirs is romantic, and mine is not. And that’s valid. They’re allowed to heal from that. But it would just hurt so much. I don’t wanna be in a relationship. I want to have things that are commonly associated and confined to relationships. But I don’t want one myself. It’s awful. It’s all just awful. I can’t even tell half the time what I want, but I don’t think I want relationships, and that hurts. I just feel cruel and heartless and helpless. I just feel broken.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much, Anon. This is why we need to straight up dismantle amatonormativity, it hurts so many people.