#I am well aware that the proportions are a little wonky I’m tired and I haven’t drawn in like a year let me live

[hinaliix]

*Throws out another doodle*

[andrewansahartwork]

     TL;DR: I severely underestimated how much shading and blending work I would have to do in one sitting the night before turning this drawing in. This led to me finishing the drawing in a trance for several hours after the time I wanted to sleep, while shading everything sloppier and sloppier, and trying not to wake up my sick roommate with my laughter. Also I was shivering a lot because the air conditioner was running for no reason.

    The assignment was to draw something that showcased the inside and outside space of a building.This is a drawing that shows off the inside of a Dunkin Donuts, but the giant windows also allow the road and the buildings across the street to be seen. I took this picture sometime last week on my phone, and have been drawing it for several days since then. I feel that the shading is fine for the top two thirds of this drawing. The bottom third is where it starts to get a little wonky. Not only that, but the perspective and size of everything inside the Dunkin Donuts isn’t the best. There is a reason for this, and it involves one of the strangest drawing sessions I’ve ever had.

     Yesterday, I was a little behind on this drawing, and I had the line work finished, and in a state that I feel was near identical to the photo I took. I didn’t include the trees and traffic cones that were present outside the building, because I wanted to have the composition get simpler the farther your eye would trail off from inside the building. Anything outside of the buildings I felt added unnecessary cluster, and I didn’t want to make it hard to figure out what the drawing is of. So, I confidently thought I would be able to get all of the shading done yesterday evening. I get back from class at around 5:30, and ate dinner and relaxed until around 7:00. After a light power nap, I was rejuvenated and ready to start adding some detail to this drawing!

     I didn’t want to add too much detail to the drawing, because I wanted it to be a simple image that clearly communicated the setting. But right before I started shading everything, I suddenly decided that I didn’t like the way the two guys sitting at the table on the drawing’s bottom third looked. So, I went back and changed them to have better proportions (they were way more stretched out due to a perspective error on my part). However, trying to fix one perspective error opened up a lot more errors. One thing led to another, and suddenly about thirty to forty minutes were gone. Not wanting to fall too far behind, I got right to work on shading (finally) until around 9:00 when I took a break to shower.

      As I continued to work on shading everything, I realized my own meticulous detail obsession was getting the better of me. When I refer to “meticulous detail” in this context, I’m talking about wanting the lines that made up every building across the street to be as well crafted as possible. Those lines were drawn lighter than everything else, so I had to REALLY focus to see it when shading in the space with a lighter graphite pencil. At this point, I’m deep into the night (let’s say 12:00), and my ideal time of when I wanted this drawing done (11:00) was but a sad unobtainable dream. The desk lamp was my greatest source of light, as it was closer than the ceiling lights, the air conditioning was running for some reason, making the dorm and the hallway colder than usual, and my roommate also got a cold, and I didn’t want to keep him up. The air conditioning would lead to me shivering pretty frantically at random intervals, it calmed down after about ten minutes, but it was still interfering with my progress! So, at this point, I’m trying my hardest to give this drawing my own seal of quality, but I also want to finish it ASAP.

     I should also mention that for long drawing sessions like these, I tend to put on Let’s Plays or Podcasts on Youtube (through my earphones of course) so I have something in the background in order to not go mad from just hearing my pencils, erasers, and blending stick rub against the paper for hours. During the hours I was adding detail to everything, I had listened to the entirety of the Stream Train playthrough of Space Quest IV. I didn’t intend on finishing the playlist of videos in one session, and the playlist also served as a timer for myself. At this point, I’m starting to panic a little (and I’m aware this sounds really cocky, which isn’t my intention, but I’m not one to stress out, at all).

     In a rush to put something on I clicked the playlist for the Game Grumps Let’s Play of Zelda: Wand of Gamelon. If you don’t know, the game the two play in that particular series is an infamously terrible second party Zelda game developed for a legendarily terrible console called the Philips CD-I. So, in usual “Youtube Let’s Play of a terrible game” format, the commentators would start out calm (well, calm-ish, they knew how bad the game was instantly), and slowly lose their sanity as the Let’s Play went on. So, as I’m sitting in my chair, still shading in the drawing at around 2:00 in the morning, I was starting to get a little stupid. I attempted to contain my laughter at the commentary from the Game Grumps playthrough, and trying to speed through a shading and blending job while also trying not to make any mistakes. It devolved into madness for myself in a good hour.

     It was around 3:00 AM when I start quiet laughing at almost everything. The Game Grumps were losing their minds playing this bad game, and I was losing my mind rushing to get this drawing done. I even laughed at the fact that the people sitting by the window in the picture I took were unaware of the fact that they were causing me to lose a ton of sleep. It was the perfect meltdown scenario, but I refused to quit. I was at the bottom third of the page at this point. If you pay close attention, you’ll be able to tell I didn’t put in nearly as much care to the bottom third of the page as I did the top two thirds. I was basically rotating 2H, HB, B, 2B, and 4B pencils getting all of the shades down on the page as fast and as carefully as humanly possible, while giggling like a tired hyena at Youtube personalities trying not to loose what was left of my sanity that night. I had severely underestimated my workload. It should be noted that around 2:00 AM, my blending stick stopped working for next to no reason. I didn’t know what to do, and I was pretty emotionally compromised (or at least that’s how it felt at the time), so I used three tissues in their place.

     Upon completing the shading and blending, I noticed how there wasn’t much distinction between buildings and objects. Instead of adding more depth, I just added comic book-esque dark lines to most of everything. It doesn’t look as good as it could have, but I really wanted to sleep at this point. Mainly because I had an online test today that I could only get started on from 9:00 AM to 10:20 AM (I was able to take said test, and did well, don’t worry). It wasn’t until I stood up did I realize how much of a trance I was in. I stopped laughing, turned off the Youtube app, and noticed it was 4:20 AM. I set the mess of materials on my desk aside, and went to bed. Now that I look at the drawing, with around four more hours of sleep, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever made, but if I had budgeted my time better, it could have improved. Oh well, you win some you lose some.  

-I’ll post a better lit picture along with the reference picture eigher later tonight, or tomorrow.-                              

[bujiqveen]

Personal

Fuck it. This is my blog. My safe space. I've been dying inside with anxiety too long to keep it locked up in my poo brain. I'll just end up venting that energy in some kind of negative way, I'm sure. It's frustrating. I try so hard to be Mx. Self-Aware, Mx. Accountable with everything relationship I have with people who mean something to me. And yet, somehow...I find some way to fuck it up. Or, I'm suffering from the paranoid delusions of my issues with abandonment. Either one. Anyway, I'm fairly certain I'm about be single again, and soon. Can't say I'm surprised. Other people's feelings for me typically fade around this time. I lose my allure, or something. I like to think of myself as somebody with deeper worth, but I'm getting the feeling my existence is more shallow than I believe. Which, again, makes sense. Maybe I didn't lose my self-worth when I lived with my ex-roommate. Maybe I just never had any real value to begin with. I'm tired of letting my heart get stepped on. I always open up too quickly. Feel too intensely. I do too much of everything. I think, subconsciously, I recognize I don't have much to offer anybody, and I overcompensate with wasted energy. Things between my boyfriend and I were going so well, too. Or so I thought. Instant chemistry. Total connection from the start. He's handsome, and nerdy, and funny, and hecka responsible, and he can be prissy-but-in-like-an-endearing-kind-of-way, and boy is he smart, and talented. I've never connected with somebody on a romantic level like I have with him before. It's wonderful. Its terrifying. He says he loves me. Says he wants to be with me (forever). That I'm one-of-a-kind. He makes me feel like an original work of art. Nobody's ever made me feel more loved. I've never been more sure about something, or someone in my life. But I am none of the things he is. I'm not driven. I'm not educated. I am a flurry of mistakes, let downs, and kind of a mess of a human being. My bests assets are that I am fairly attractive, and know *just* enough about a lot of random things, that I can skirt by on seeming interesting, or well-read, or intelligent. I don't have a reliable car. I don't have a well-paying job. My relationship with my family is terrible. I'm in debt, and I'm not always financially responsible. I don't have anything of worth to offer anybody. Even my love is lesser by design. And it's already caused issues in our relationship. The biggest issue of which being my pot smoking. He says he's cool with the fact that I smoke weed. He says he's not bothered by weed. He says he's bothered with the legal aspect of it all, and potentially losing me to a jail sentence. Which I understand. But it's been an issue a lot. Especially when I think we've found some common ground about it. For right now, things are good with that subject, and we both respect each other's feelings. Apparently, at some point my boyfriend was under the impression I didn't have any health insurance, which was something of an issue for him, although he couldn't articulate his reasonings behind it because he was riding his Xanax RX when we talked about it. Me actually having health insurance tabled the issue right quick. But it left me with new anxieties. My boyfriend is in his late 20s, coming up on the cusp of Real Adulthood™, and I can see that itch in his eye to get his life together and push himself to get the life he's always wanted. Which he deserves. I'm willing to support him, and love him, and help him achieve his goals. But what if I can't meet his expectations? What if when it comes times for me to sink, or swim, I sink? What if I'm not enough for my boyfriend, just like I haven't been good enough for anyone else I get close to? So, I'm sitting here, lacking on a fundamental level some essential piece of being enough for someone else, with no idea of what that piece is, or how to get it. I tell him that I love him. It's the first time in years I've meant the words, as they tumble out of my mouth. Words always tumble out of my mouth. But what worth are words, anyway? I'm proud of us, because we've managed to have disagreements together without them going to shit. It's weird having somebody compliment my intensity. For someone to hear where I'm coming from, to validate my feelings. To apologize to me when they're wrong. Sometimes I get flashbacks when I argue with people. Flashbacks of my roommate and I, screaming at each other. Sometimes, those memories are so intense, they hurt like needles in my brain. It makes it hard for me to open up to others about how I feel now. I'm afraid no matter how long I pause before I speak, or how articulate I make myself, everything I say will come out wrong. Everything I say will be biting, and rude, and cruel. I spent so long having to apologize for everything that came out of my mouth. Of policing my own tone, so my volume isn't misinterpreted for anger. Am I being too sensitive? I'm I just blowing everything out of proportion? Am I just looking to sabotage myself again? Am I just being too emotional? Who even knows anymore. To wrap this up, conversations with my boyfriend and I have been weird, and out-of-sync from the norm. So, naturally, I've been a writhing mass of anxiety this past week. I'm sure I'm just being ridiculous, but the texting has just become inconsistent. Responses seem forced. There's absolutely no affectionate messages. Hardly an "I miss you", or an "I love you", and definitely no response to me when I send those kinds of texts. It all started after I rage quit Friday the 13th: the Game after playing one-too-many games with a lobby of douche bags, which is an aspect of gamer culture I 1. Don't like and 2. Am not used to yet. So after being a prickly pear, I left the lobby after the game ended, and focused my frustrations onto something else. Granted, I left without so much of a word to my bf, which was my bad, but honestly I was feeling bitter, and sorry for myself, and a little butt hurt that he stayed playing with one of the guys who was a reason for me bailing. But I'm an adult, and I don't hold grudges over stupid stuff, so I let it go. My boyfriend texted me a few minutes after I left, and I was pretty upfront about why. Cut to the next day, and things have been wonky ever sense. So like...I don't know if he's mad at me, or my behavior, which honestly was rather mild, or what, but I feel like something is wrong, and it's always my fault, so I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which should be soon. I texted him that I loved him, because I do, and even terrified he's bored of me, I still miss him, and he flat out ignored the text. Conversed with me just enough to tell me he was gonna take a long nap, and low-key stonewalled me. So, I'm feeling a couple of different emotions. Most of all, which is hurt. I don't want to lose him, but I'm telling you - the real me is so unappealing. The moment anybody gets even a taste if the Real Me™, I lose any sparkle I might have had before. Whatever happens with him and I...may I have the strength to handle it gracefully. Blaaahhhhhh...