#I am this close to downloading Amino again

[satanicchristiancult]

Sexuality and labeling is weird and I want to talk about it.

This is all focused on my own experiences.

Honestly, I have no exact reason to post this, especially since I have homework that was due yesterday that I still haven’t finished, but oh well.

Back when I was really active on queer spaces (I genuinely used to be one of the moderators of a pretty large Amino. I spoke with so many people about so many things. It’s impressive that I even managed to do that), I used to really investigate as many labels as I could. I knew about so many obscure gender, romantic, and sexual identities just for the sake of helping other people find their own.

I guess that I was, in one way or another, searching for my own identity. At that point in my life, I would have described my identity as panromantic, asexual, and demiromantic. I was okay with that definition. I was someone who didn’t experience sexual attraction, and felt little romantic attraction unless it was to someone close, in which case, their gender or identity didn’t matter.

I liked finding labels for myself. Finding something in the gender department was a tad bit harder. I identified with pangender and liked it.

I drifted apart from the community and just stopped engaging in queer spaces like that all together.

I constantly debated whether or not I was more aroflux than demiromantic, so for a while I’d just use them interchangeably.

Around that time, I came out for the first and only time.

Hear me out, I consider these things important, but I’ve always had the idea that I’m just never gonna come out to anyone. I’d be fine with that. I’m me. That’s enough. I don’t own anyone any pretty words to describe my identity. (I did like the flags though).

This time I came out, I tried to do this same explanation, plus some other xenogenders and more obscure identities that I somewhat identified with, while adding the flags as well:

“I’m pangender, which means that I identify with all genders and with none of them at the same time. Between that pangender identity, there are xenogenders, which refers to genders that can’t be described in the usual “masculine”, “feminine”, and “androgynous” ways. I use neopronouns, which refers to pronouns other that “he”, “she”, and “they”. I use xe/xem pronouns and strongly resonate with them. I’m asexual, so I don’t experience sexual attraction. I’m panromantic, demiromantic, and aroflux, which means that I don’t experience romantic attraction, except for when I do, in which case it tends to be for people who I have a strong emotional bond with. This person/people could be of any gender. I don’t care about looks, identity, anything. Just personality~”

Fun fact, to this day, even after so many years of using xe/xem pronouns, not a single person has ever referred to me with them. None of my neopronouns. Not even once.

The reaction, of course, silence from the group chat.

Some questions. Other than that, nothing.

Honestly, people don’t expect you to go on and come out, identifying with microlables. People expect you to identify with the classic sexualities, all of those in the acronym. LGBT. (That’s why I like to extend that bastard as much as I can while still making it “socially acceptable” so people don’t look at me weirdly. LGBTQIA2S+).

Honestly, I don’t know what I expected. I had a similar conversation with a cousin. It’s was like 1am and we were chatting, and he said “oh, well, but we did need the “gay cousin””. I told him it was me, he told me that it was him. We just repeated those things for a while. Eventually, I genuinely asked him if he meant it. I told him I did. He told me he did. We came out to each other. I guessed his sexuality correctly, I explained each of my identities carefully.

Next time we saw each other, we talked about it. I came out, explained each label again. He hadn’t heard about a single one of them. I told him my preferred pronouns, my odd disconnect with my given name, and things like that.

He seemed to have forgotten by the next time. He referred to me with that name, which is fine, but the pronouns. Those hurt. I wasn’t gonna say anything though. It’s been years, I still haven’t.

Not so long ago, he came out to me. I accepted him, used his pronouns, addressed him by his name (which I don’t know how he spells, by the way, cause this is Latinoamérica and you can never asume how someone writes their name, we have like a thousand different ways to write each one). I came out again. I repeated my crisis with my name. My pronouns. Has he used them? I haven’t got a clue. We haven’t been able to speak one on one for a while. I miss him.

I guess that these experiences of coming out, plus an almost forced outing and an actual forced outing, neither of which I’m gonna expand upon, made myself look at my own identity differently. I started considering the identity of unlabeled.

I like labels. I liked labeling myself. It meant having a community of others like me. A space.

I started feeling disconnected from them, in a weird way, at least. Am I technically all of those things? Yes. Do those terms explain me correctly? Not really??

I’ve slowly just gone on to identify myself as me. I love love, I love everyone and everything. I want to have a relationship, marry, hell, maybe even sex. I don’t know. I like the idea of those things. I can’t picture myself as actually being in any of those, but I like to believe that they will come someday, and that I will enjoy them.

I love in a nonconventional way. For me, love is love, no matter whether or not it is sexual, romantic, platonic, or anything else.

My gender? It is yes and no. Everything and nothing. It doesn’t matter, yet it does.

I don’t understand, even after so many years of being in both the aro and ace spectrums, what the hell is “attraction”. I guess I just don’t feel those. Isn’t that the definition of both of those terms? Yes.

It’s truly been years, and until recently did I manage to open my eyes and tell myself “even without attraction, you can have a relationship. You can have sex”.

It was so contradictory to me. If I don’t have attraction, do I just not want those things? In my case, I do want them, I am attracted to the idea. Whenever it comes to people, it’s harder though. I’m terrified of people. I want a relationship. I want to have sex. I want to understand.

What even is attraction???

I identify as unlabeled, but I am in denial.

I am unlabeled, but only in my head.

Hell, not even there.

I’m not gonna come out to anyone as that. If anyone asks, I’ll make a simplified version of what I’ve always said. “Aroace and panromantic. Gender? Good question”.

Do any labels actually identify me? Yes and no. I’m disconnected from them. I want them to fit. They fit. But they don’t.

I’m me. That’s enough.

Is it enough?

I try each day to convince myself that it is.

I also don’t know.

-Mori (They/Xem)

[laeteria]

It seems I never posted this here, so…

You may, or may have not, stumbled across this video, but yeah… My Tumblr is kinda dead, so I thought it isn't that bad of an idea to drop this one here as well.

There are some notes in the description, so before you go attack me because I haven't added XX role to YY seiyuu, please read the description 👊😔

Some Tumblr exclusive notes under the cut ✨

Why Paradox Live?

Yeah, I know I said I was not posting about Paradox Live anymore and considering the fact that the video was posted in October 2023, it seems pretty recent. However, I have been working on this video for AGES. I think that I will end up in somewhere in 2022(?) starting this video. I was still into Paradox Live and I had dreams to introduce people to it. Too bad that I'm a procrastinator… I mean, I could have chosen IDOLiSH7 as starting point as well, but Paradox Live had a bigger cast :)

My motivation to work on it

Guys, I'm not even kidding. I was planning to use Paradox Live to (hopefully) get some people into Argopro. The project had some difficulties and I wanted to pull people into it, so I did it in a very roundabout way. After all, not a lot of Paradox Live seiyuus are in Argopro like bro what am I even doing!? When starting with the roles of Kajiwara Gakuto (Allen's VA), there were barely any solos for Haruka (his role in Argopro). I remember downloading/ripping the audio of Orthros, because that song was barely introduced. Good old times.

What did I want to achieve with this video?

Guys, I'm just a girl who really likes sharing her interests and I'm a big fan of listening to music of several music projects because I think they are nice and they are different from other music if that makes any sense + you can listen to your favourite seiyuus!!! This was a video for my close friends because I always try to get them to listen to songs or to check out projects. This was merely a tool I used, I guess. My friends love me and I love them. In the end, it wasn't even needed because I post plenty enough on my insta story.

How I made the video

Bros, let me tell you. This was one hell of a dumpster fire of making this video. I'm not kidding. If you think you you can do it, go for it. I will never do it again.

I made the video on my phone. My phone has seen better days, y'all. I first made the template in Ibispaintx and after that I went into YouCut to put the audio over it. I absolutely hated it because you couldn't delete the files if you had the videos in draft (otherwise it will get corrupted which makes sense), but it took a lot of storage. I ended up saving them seperately per character, but the pain I had to go through everytime I made a mistake was painful.

This video is like 22 minutes long, but it took me nearly 2 years to finish it ( •̥ࡇ•̥ )

A little extra for you all <3

I still have the very first version of this video, so I thought, I might as well upload it for others to check out how ewww it kinda is, lmao. It was such a rough draft, but you can't have it all, right? Here is the link (the video is still unlisted, so you won't find it online if you don't have the link).

Another extra, which are the Paradox Live edits (this is a link to my Amino post, so yeah, it's a hell hole ngl) I did 4 years ago. I wanted to use one of them as my thumbnail actually, but I decided not too because people may not be used to that and thus may consider it over the top…

[onetragicalnerd709]

Note: I updated this on 06/06/23 because Dax's muzzle was too chunky. It's much better now!

Well…first post… let’s see, why not delve right into my Trek obsession…because that has all I have been seeing and liking since I downloaded this app. Nothing but SPACE and Spirk 🤦🏼‍♀���

This has been a re- obsession as of late. I hate to admit it but I haven’t seen any Star Trek series all the way through…except maybe Picard and Voyager since it’s my favourite…but I have seen a handful of episodes from each. I have corrected this error by starting from the beginning with TOS. I have a plethora of TOS SPIRK goodies to come soon because I. AM. WORSHIPPING. MY. SPACE. HUSBANDS! While also simping over Spock for myself. Zachary Quinto is also included. In my fantasy he bats for my team as well OK?!

Trek is a big part of my life. My mother named me after Voyager’s Seven of Nine. (Seven you may ask?! I wish…but no, she decided Annika was better for a normal human girl) I have been to museums to see props and have even seen some of the cast up close at conventions but unfortunately I wasn’t deeply involved then… (2018- 2019) The last two years have brought on exciting changes. Trek is back in the spotlight and my mind. (It won’t friggin leave! Even when I sleep!)

But… like all nerds with access to the internet I soon found out about DS9…watched like half an episode about Kira Nerys, researched her and some other characters like Jadzia Dax and fell deeply in love. I decided to feature them in this piece here and I can’t wait to seep further away from my apparent straightness when I reach DS9. I am now fantasizing my life as a Bajoran babe alongside these leading ladies.

Description: Hanging with my fantasy moms, the 2 out of many fandom moms. My wrinkled nose fantasy has come to life! Jadzia is rocking her trill spots and The little trill plush I added as a last minute addition has seemed to peak her interest. I immediately knew I had to include one when I found out they exist IRL. Found them on Etsy. Ugly but cute tbh..however I have spent too much on Trek merch recently. *no regrets*

I think I called this piece Bajoran Babes and a Worm 🪱

…but…wait

You noticed yet? Is your eyesight ok if you haven’t? Themz don’t be humans! Themz be equines!

Yep..I mainly draw MLP characters including crossover sketches so fair warning…Ponies will be a common occurrence with this profile.

You’ll be seeing my Oc frequently from now on. The purple dragon character. Her name is Sploched Canvas / Sploot for short. You may know me already from the official MLP amino as BooptheSploot too! So Hello again my timemuffins! If y’all are from there as well. She is quite dear to me. Her cutie mark has a Tardis and paint marks so if you haven’t guessed already, Whovian blood runs thick with this one and time travel is something I wish to do desperately!

(⚠️Important note) Before I log off and stop rambling your ears off. Be aware like many others on tumblr, I am strictly prohibiting the theft, tracing and or recolouring of my art or characters. If you wish to draw my characters, any of them please…just be thoughtful and ask before hand. I don’t bite. It’s just I’ve dealt with theft before and I have no tolerance for it.

Lastly I guess I should say, Hello Tumblr, hello this whole new world…*cue Aladdin music* I have arrived…please don’t let me regret it!

Enjoy! 🖖

[uuuuugay]

Help an anxious idiot out here pleaseee

I’ve just downloaded Amino and it looks so fucking fun but I’M TOO NERVOUS TO ACTUALLY JOIN AN AMINO LIKE AAA. All the ones I like have over 2000ish followers and I’m like woah tf that’s allota fuckin people and I’m nervous because they’re probably all close together and tightly knit and I’m also scared because there’s this cryptology one and I friggin love cryptology but I’m not the best and I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of fake amateur not real fan and that’s really nerve wracking for me because I need others approval even though it does nothing to help my confidence. I’m freaking out over not joining a goddamn amino and that pretty much sums up my personality and I’m too scared to basically join anything and I linger and I’m about to have a breakdown and that’s really pathetic because it’s a fucking app like wtf why am i letting it control me but then again it looks so fun but socialising really scares me but it’s not face to face but what if they hate me. I’m having an argument with myself I’m sorry aaaaaaaa. If anyone has any advice for doing this kinda stuff please tell me. And if y’all have any aminos (preferably small bit I don’t mind that much) that you know are welcoming and don’t mind me not speaking for long periods of times then tell me and oh my goodness this is long golly I’m sorry aha this is longer than any piece of writing I’ve done on tumblr and that’s pretty sad. I’m pretty sad.