#I am sorry I hijacked your question to vent about my plans if I was the USA coach but here we are

[that-soccer-guru]

Funnily enough I was actually pretty confident after the abysmal Portugal game. I thought, we’ll if we can play at our worst for three games straight and only allow one goal through, then we only need to fix the attack. Now I’m back to doom and gloom. I don’t think the coach is going to make any tactically changes from formation or to proper subs. Julie needs to be in midfield. Take a chance with Alana and Kelly in the back. Bring crystal up as well to help Julie and Horan. Maybe start Ashley Sanchez as well.

Since he’s such a conservative coach, the group stage was the time to test it out. Now I don’t think he will do anything in the knockout rounds. I didn’t want our girls to go out like this against Sweden especially. :(

See I have a different opinion but only for one reason: I've never thought of Vlatko as a coach at all and I'm not about to start now. He's not conservative, he's just a moron.

Genuinely mean this in the NICEST way possible. He doesn't know how to coach beyond the paper. The moment changes need to be made in the shape of the team, what kind of players and movements he needs to make to adjust to the other team's game plan he's out. He's a good preparation coach, the kind that sits you down to watch tape and study the other team but an actual side line coach? utter garbage.

And, to top it off, he's stubborn. Don't expect any major changes to the way the team will play Sweden. They've played this exact formation with this same shape of players since he started and he's convinced this is gonna work and it ain't gonna change.

If anything i put the blame on the players, who see this disaster and are either missing the guts to say nope this isn't working lets change it, or don't understand the game enough to know what to do about it. I lean to the first one but at this point, who's to say.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope he moves Julie from CDM to full on CM and deploys an actual backline with a real sweeper and some actual 4 line defenders as opposed to his 3-line nonsense with Dunn. Actually if it were me this is how I would line up:

Naeher

Sonnett-O'Hara-Girma-Cook

Ertz-Sullivan

Horan

Rodman-Morgan-Smith

And, depending on the score at half, I'd swap out Andi for Sanchez, Alex for Rose and drop her next to Lindsey for a double 10/8 stitch, and around minute 65-70 if goals haven't happened, bring in Thompson and Lynn Williams for Rodman and Smith, most likely keeping Rodman on the field longer than Smith on fitness and heatmap alone.

Is it a perfect plan? Hell no. But it brings some fucking dynamism to this team, it employs a lot of the speed, it leaves Horan free from recovery duty to focus on playmaking alone, and it allows for players to last longer on the field. You could swap the Rose sub for KMew and set her free as a floating 9 behind the front team. You can make it into a 3 line with Lindsey-KMew-Ertz if you're so in love with your stupid 4-3-3 and focus them on transitioning the ball to take advantage of how fast Rodman and Smith can run.

THERE IS A WORLD OF POSSIBILITIES AND VLATKO CAN'T SEE ANY OF THEM AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH!

[cpdfan231]

Secret Santa Fic

My Secret Santa recipient is @malrunaway. They requested an Upstead or Burzek fanfiction. Hope, you enjoy it!

I chose the prompt : Trudy organizes the guest list for the 21st District Christmas Party. 

Who’s Your Date?

It was a cold and windy morning like normal in Chicago, Trudy was working on some paperwork, when Jay walked into the district.

“Hey, Detective Chuckles come over here”. Jay sighed, he had not even had a cup of coffee to deal with whatever Trudy was going to ask of him.

“Yes, Sarge what can I help you with?” He said while trying to smile, but it didn’t quite reach.”

“Chuckles, you could put a little more effort into that smile, eh?” Trudy smirked

“Sorry, Sarge. I need some of this coffee.” He nodded his head in the direction of the two coffees in his hands.

“Don’t we all chuckles, don’t we all…” she mumbled looking at her empty coffee mug.

“So, what did you need, Sarge? I’m going to be late here in about five minutes.” Looking at his watch.

“I have not gotten your rsvp yet for the upcoming 21st District Holiday party. I need to know if you were planning on bringing a plus one.” She kept a straight face staring at him. 

“Sarge, have I ever brought a plus one?” Looking super confused at the question.

“Chuckles, I don't keep track of your love life or lack of one, I guess.” Jay rolled his eyes, “Thanks for the reminder.” 

“Fine, we can put this conversation on the back burner for now. But...it’s going to cost you.” Looking at the extra coffee he had in his hands. He sighed and looked down at it.

“Trudy, it was always meant for you, here you go.” He handed her the cup of coffee and headed up the stairs to join Intelligence.

Once, he got to his desk. He looked over and saw Hailey looking at him. She mouthed to him, “You’re late.” and Jay just whispered back looking annoyed, “You can thank, Trudy for that. Also, for your lack of coffee.” Hailey quirked her eyebrow and asked, “Do I want to know?”

“Nope. What did I miss?” Jay asked 

We got a case and Sarge wants us to do some canvassing, “You ready to head out?”

“Sure.” Jay grabbed his coat and keys and they headed to his truck.

Hailey walked past Trudy's desk, staring at her coffee in Trudy’s hands. Trudy noticed and smirked and pointed the coffee in her direction. “Hey Upton, you should have told your partner to bring you one. It’s like heaven in a cup.” Jay saw Hailey about to react, when he pulled her down the stairs out of the precinct. He whispered in her ear, “I promise next stop is the coffee shop, before we canvas. Let’s go.”

------

Back from canvassing, Jay and Hailey walked into the district and Trudy called out to Hailey, “Upton, can you come here for a second?” Hailey looked at Jay confused, “Hm.. I guess it's your turn.”

“Wait, my turn for what? She turned to look at Jay, but he had already bolted up the stairs to Intelligence. She turned to face Trudy, smiled, and slowly made her way to her.

“Sarge, what can I do for you?”

“Well, someone must have stopped for coffee. I see you're in a better mood. You RSVPed for the Christmas party, but I did not see a plus one on it. I just wanted to make sure that wasn’t a mistake.” Hailey looked shocked at the question, “Um, nope. I did not forget to add a plus one. Also, my coffee was hijacked by a desk Sergeant” 

“Really, who? Because I know you are not talking about me. Also, you know I have a nephew about your age. I could ask him.” Hailey was trying to keep her emotions in check throughout the conversation. “Really, I appreciate the offer. But, I’m good.”

“If you say so, well let me know if you change your mind. He’s got just as good of dance moves as myself. You definitely would not be disappointed” Trudy responded, raising her eyebrows up and down.

Hailey tries not to laugh, but it slips out a little bit. “Upton, what’s so funny?” Trudy just stared at her wanting a serious answer.

“Oh, sorry nothing. I was thinking back to when Kim and Adam started dancing on the bar at last year's party.” Hailey really hoped that Trudy would buy it and make her escape for the stairs.

“Nice try, Upton. Don’t ask for my help next time.” Hailey was about to respond back, "But, Sarge…" Trudy just kept blankly staring at her. She quickly pulled her cell phone out, “Oh, text from Jay, sorry Sarge, they need me upstairs.” She retreated to the stairs and headed up.

Trudy called after her, “Upton! I didn’t hear that phone go off.” But Hailey was long gone. 

----

Hailey walked back up to Intelligence and headed to her desk and sat down. Jay was about to ask her how that conversation went when Kim walked up to Hailey.

“Hey, Hailey. Got a second? Coffee?” Hailey shot Jay a quick smile and followed Kim to the break room. Once inside, Kim shut the door.

Hailey looked confusedly at Kim. Kim went over the coffee maker to grab herself a cup. “So, are you excited for the Christmas party coming up?”

“Um, yeah I guess.” Hailey answered not sure where this conversation was going after the one downstairs. She had her guard up.

“I’m excited to be going this year with Adam. At least if we end up dancing on the bar together this year, it won’t be so weird… They both started to laugh thinking back to that scenario, where Adam ended up shirtless on that bar top.

“Do you have a date for the party?” Kim asked curiously while sipping her cup of coffee.

Hailey was in the middle of drinking her coffee when Kim asked and almost choked on it.

“Sorry, are you and Trudy working together on something here?” Kim looked at her shocked, not expecting that answer. “Um...no? I was just trying to have some girl talk, but if it's a touchy subject we don’t have to talk about it.” Hailey sighed, “No, of course not. Let’s just say it was just brought up by Trudy downstairs. Kim chuckled and completely could picture that conversation. “So… How did that go?” she asked. 

“Kim, she was trying to set me up with her nephew!” Hailey replied and Kim just started laughing. Suddenly there was a knock on the break room door. Kim walked over to open it and behold, Trudy was standing there, looking annoyed.

“Ladies, do I need to remind you that those vents carry conversations.” She said while pointing at the wall.

Hailey and Kim just stood there speechless, and finally responded in unison, “Sorry, Sarge.” Trudy just huffed and stomped back down the stairs to her desk.

---

When Hailey and Kim came out of the breakroom. The guys were staring at them.

Adam asked, “What did you do to Trudy? Like what damage control is needed? I do not want to work any patrols shifts coming up." Jay and Kevin stood next to him nodding in agreeance.

Kim and Hailey looked at each other and Kim responded to the guys, “It’s a girl thing. Don’t worry about it?”

“Don’t worry, you gals know when Trudy is not happy, all of the 21st District is not happy. That's no bueno,” Kevin replied before Adam could say anymore. Hailey looked nervous and was quiet. Jay has been watching Hailey this whole time trying to read her.

“Hailey, what happened?” Jay asked.

Hailey quietly responded back, “Trudy was trying to set me up with her nephew for the Christmas party.”

Jay looked shocked and Adam replied, “Wait, what? You are going to have to repeat that a bit louder, I don’t think I heard that correctly.”

Hailey glared at him, “You heard me. I may have laughed slightly at her downstairs due to a dancing moves comment and then she heard me up here talking to Kim. “Those, damn, vents.” She mumbled.

Adam walked over to Hailey and put his hand on her shoulder, “Hm, well I think the only way you're going to be able to fix this is actually going on that date.” Kevin standing back nodded, “Sorry Hailey, I’m going to have to agree with Adam here. You're going to have to take one for the team.”

“Absolutely not!” She said loudly and then quickly quieted down and finished, to avoid another Trudy sighting, “I am not going on a date with her nephew…” Hailey, the whole time, tried to avoid looking at Jay.

“What it’s not like you had an actual date to the party, Hailey. Just do it.” Adam replied.

“Now, just because she does not have a date, does not give you guys the right to tell her what she has to do.” Kim replied trying to help Hailey out.

All of the sudden they heard a loud bang and heard Trudy yelling at some patrolman downstairs. Kim looked back at Hailey, “I love you girl, but I cannot deal with that the rest of the week. It’s only Monday.”

Hailey was speechless, she looked at her at the group of co-workers, and just threw her hands up in the air and walked to the locker room. She could not believe they were suggesting the only way to fix this was for her to go on a date with Trudy's nephew. Also, she could not believe that Trudy was taking it so personal, but again Trudy was protective over people she loved. Hailey knew that from many life-death scenarios they had all gone through in her years at the 21st.

“Bro, you need to go talk some sense into your partner.” Kevin told Jay. Jay slowly made his way down the hall following Hailey to the locker room.

--

Jay closed the locker room door behind him, and approached Hailey, who was sitting on the bench by her locker. Before he could say anything she noticed him and immediately started talking, “Can you believe them? I am not going on a date with her nephew.” She stood up and was pacing while explaining to Jay.

“Maybe, it’s time we tell them about “us.” He replied quietly. “It would definitely get Trudy off both our backs.” Hailey stopped in her tracks and turned around to face him.

“Wait, that’s why you were late this morning and without coffee? Didn't she have any nieces for you?” She asked. 

Jay just shrugged his shoulders and smiled back, “Lucky me?” Hailey playfully swatted her arms at his chest. All of a sudden Jay noticed Hailey's facial expression change. She replied, “If we are going to decide to let them know about “us,” I think we should have some fun messing with them all first.” 

“What did you have in mind?” Jay asked very curiously wondering where this was going to go. He definitely did not think it was going to be this easy to convince Hailey to come clean to the group.

“You are going to tell the group out there,” pointing out to the hall, “That, I went to talk to Sarge to fix it. We are all good.” Jay listened and asked, “What are you going to tell Sarge?” 

“A really good friend reached out and now I have a date for the Christmas work party. So, I can’t go with her nephew, and apologize.” She shrugged her shoulders, making it sound so simple.

“Oh, a really good friend, huh? Jay said teasingly, “Does he happen to have a name?” 

“I will call him, Jacob.” She slipped her arms around his waist and looked up and smiled at him.

“Think we can pull it off?” She asked. “I do.” He kissed her quickly before someone walked in, they separated and went off to handle their tasks individually. They had managed to pull off their little white lie that day. Hailey definitely did have a date, and no his name was not Jacob. It was Jay.

----

It was finally the night of the work party. Hailey and Jay decided to show up a little late, so that everyone would be there before they arrived.

At the party, the group of them were all talking. Trudy said, “So, apparently Upton has a date tonight?” The rest of the group looked at Trudy smiling. Kim replied, “I cannot wait to meet your nephew!” Trudy had just grabbed an appetizer of the plate from the waitress and dropped it on the floor. “Damn it, Burgess, my snack! Also, what do you mean my nephew? She isn’t coming with my nephew.”

The group all exclaimed, “Wait, what? Jay said, she was going down to talk to you and make things right." Kim commented.

“Goldilocks told me she has a date with a good friend named Jacob”, Trudy responded.

Kevin responded, “She never mentioned Jacob, did she?" Looking at Adam and Kim.

They responded in unison shaking their heads no.

Trudy was about to say something, then she stopped dead in her tracks staring at the front door. Kim asked, “Sarge, are you ok?”

“Turn around, Burgess. I think we all have been played like a little violin.”

“What are you talking about, Sarge? Kim asked. Trudy grabbed Kim's shoulders and turned her around pointing at the front door.

There stood Jay and Hailey at the front door, holding hands. The two of them saw the reactions from their team. Hailey smirked and just before she turned Jay, to lead him toward the bar, he sent a wink to the group.

“Well, damn we definitely got played.” Adam said.

Right at that moment, Voight walked by looking at the group and back at Jay and Hailey, “Wait, you guys didn’t know? You better start studying for the detective exam now. Because that was way easier to figure out, than any of the questions will ever be."

[munchyn]

Blue Eyes| Daniel x Reader Chapter 5- Hijacked Date

Chapter 1| Chapter 2| Chapter 3| Chapter 4| Chapter 5| Chapter 6| Chapter 7| Chapter 8| Chapter 9| Chapter 10| Chapter 11| Chapter 12| Chapter 13| Chapter 14| Chapter 15| Chapter 16| Chapter 17| Chapter 18| Chapter 19| Chapter 20 (Coming Soon)

I’m not going into details about the crimes we committed in Aphrodite’s department that night. I’m just gonna say that me (and the boys) got kicked out of the “fancy” restaurant in which Daniel and Y/n were eating in (it was just McDonalds). But considering what we did. Even McDonalds has the right to kick us out. Good thing we were all disguised and unrecognizable. I got back to my house after the events and the boys went to their hotel.

I went straight up to my room before Y/n got back from her date. I pulled on my pajamas and jumped onto my bed, which was still unmade, and started watching Netflix.

Y/n POV

“Well tonight was quite the night,” I said to Daniel as we neared Y/f/n’s house. He nodded and laughed.

“Yeah, I never thought I’d see McDonalds kick someone out,” he said and we both laughed. We got to Y/f/n’s house and we went up to her door. He turned to look at me before knocking or signaling that we were there in any way. “Even with all those crazy things happening to us I still enjoyed it.”

“Yeah,” I say. “This may sound cheesy but if I were with any other person I would have left the theatre in 0.2 seconds.” There was a little moment of silence and next thing Daniel gave me a small kiss… on the lips. What?

He played it off pretty well, and if it weren't for his trembling hands I wouldn’t have ever even considered he was nervous. I smiled at him and gave him a hug. “I hope I’ll get to see you sometime again,” I say and kiss his cheek I opened the door to Y/f/n’s house. I went up to Y/f/n’s room and knocked before walking in. Needed to at least give her a warning. “Hey,” I say at the figure covered in blankets. “How was your day?” Y/f/n shrugged.

I got under the covers with her and saw that she was watching Netflix. “I just came back home,” she said. “Decided I’d watch (your favorite Netflix show). Get into your pajamas! You’re soaking wet.” I glare at her.

“Well, it’s not my fault that it’s raining outside,” nevertheless I got out of her bed and changed into my warm pajamas and put on my (favourite band) hoodie. Once again, I slipped into the covers with Y/f/n. “What did you do?” Y/f/n’s face turned into one of terror.

“What do you mean?” she said with a worried look. I didn’t know what look I gave her but it got me my answer. “I went… I… went… to the museum.” I raised my brow at her.

“The museum?” I ask. “You wouldn’t go there over your dead body.” Her face went red all over. What was going on?

Y/f/n POV

I got even more worried as Y/n continued asking her questions. Did she know what me and the boys did? What was she going to do about it? Was she going to end our friendship? Oh, gods please don’t let it be that.

“Y/f/n,” she said a concerned look on her face. “Your face is all red.”

Finally, I broke. “I’m sorry Y/n. I didn’t know it would end up like that!” I hid my face in my hands in frustration. God that was relieving.

“What?” she said, not having a clue about what I was talking about. Shit, now I really fucked it up. “Y/f/n what did you do?” her voice was now one of anger.

[Timeskip brought to you by Jack’s noodles]

Y/n POV

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “So let me get this straight,” I took a deep breath. “You’re the one that had those huge coats on and the ones that got kicked out McDonalds. You did all those stupid and RECKLESS THINGS!” I started pacing around the room. “You try to control my love life when you don’t even have one yourself! If I am going to get myself a boyfriend I’m assuming that it’s best to be myself and not some fake version of me. It would be like lying, and the only thing that’s worse than that is when my own friend tries to make things “better” by hijacking my date!” Y/f/n opened and closed her mouth like a fish. I could feel my face as red as a tomato. I sighed. “You are extremely lucky he kissed me at the end of it. Y/f/n’s eyes were open in shock and excitement.

“REALLY!” she said sitting me down harshly onto her mattress. “Why didn’t you tell me!” I rolled my eyes at her.

“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe because I was too busy venting about you hijacking my date,” I say, sarcasm dripping from my voice. This time it was Y/f/n’s turn to roll her eyes. She stuck her tongue out at me. “Anyway, so yeah he kissed me.” Y/f/n then looked at me with squinting eyes.

“Is it a kiss kiss or just what you consider a kiss?” she asks me. I roll my eyes the second time tonight.

“I by a “kiss kiss” you mean on the lips then yeah,” I say and she nods. Y/f/n huffed out a laugh. I looked at her with a questioning look.

“It’s just,” she paused. “My girl finally had her first kiss.” I glared at her and shoved her arm playfully.

“That was not my first kiss!”

Zach POV

Me and Y/f/n were kicked out of McDonalds. Jack, Corbyn, and Jonah walking out after us. “Well that didn’t go as planned,” I say and they all look at me. Their faces screaming out that I was super stupid. “At least it couldn’t get any worse.”

“It could get worse if Y/n and your friend found out what we did,” said Y/f/n. “So I suggest you get back to the hotel while I go back home.”

We went back to the hotel and as soon as we got to our assigned room we put our pajamas. I sat down on the couch and got on my phone. Jack sat down beside me and also pulled out his phone.

A/N: Sorry for taking so long to write this. I have already started on chapter 6. I wrote McDonalds a total of 5 times in this. I must be in love with Big Macs and chicken nuggets.

[nanyoky]

It has been a week and A HALF and it’s only wednesday i deserve so much food and the drama BETTER BE GOOD this week

of course chic’s not a blossom he’s a whatever-alice’s-maiden-name-is/jones we all know this please let the confrontation be messy with alice and fp PLEASE LORDS OF MELODRAMA

oh my god. as much as i prefer season 1 alice to season 2 alice, this reaction is great. so great. “who’s his dad? who knows! it’s a mystery! highschool was so long ago i don’t even remember everyone i dated! doesn’t matter! no one needs to know who i rode like a pornstar in the back of his pickup after the homecoming game senior year! and no one needs to know i still think about it all the time! especially when he’s talking all sarcastic with his rough hewn charm! It was one time and I definitely don’t have dreams about it ever, okay? IT’S IRRELEVANT BETTY”

oh no you guys i just thought of the fact that alice cooper likely knows where fp’s serpent tattoo is and i don’t and now i’m DISTRAUGHT

okay- like i love it when they remember people i love are friends, but why is kevin sitting in on this register interview?

....i don’t know who this dude is but kevin is excited so i’m excited for him

also why is hal talking like there’s an audience to this interview? i know i bitched about the bad season one dialogue but now it’s just WEIRD

oh noooo.... veronica actually kinda thought her mom let her invite a friend just to be nice and then had to come crashing down to manipulative reality

jughead’s back on his bullshit again *claps hands aggressively in his face* ACTUAL. AT. RISK. KIDS. SUPPORT. THAT. SCHOOL. BEING. SHUT. DOWN. STOP. TRYING. TO. HIJACK. THEIR. LIVES. SO. YOU. CAN. FEEL. MORALLY. SUPERIOR.

god i really want there to be a falling out between jughead and toni where she finally tells him off for acting all martyred when he has essentially been a serpent for a hot five minutes and sees it as a novelty that can excuse his selfish actions when the rest of them live the reality of needing a gang to survive poverty and violence and i want that scene to HURT a lot because we like jughead! we genuinely do! but he’s been such a prime fucking pill this season and he’s not going to learn and grow until he gets hurt a little bit as a direct result of the shit he’s been pulling

um so i was excited that ethel was back..... and then a characterization 180 for zero reason other than they needed someone to throw a milkshake????? why

okay that was dumb but josie’s reaction was great

like- i’m still waiting to figure out how veronica’s long con with her parents is going to shake out. they better give her a great season three subplot to make up for this messy crummy mob malarky

that was a SOLID punch

also YASSS let her snap- give us some indication she’s been holding back and biting her tongue this whole time and now she can’t take it anymore

lol leaning HARD into the crimson peak vibe with that “special tea.” they know what we want.

i. am. so. glad. jughead’s hunger strike is a joke to everyone.

but also lol: jughead: why are you being such a bastard, v? veronica: my parents don’t want me to do the thing but i’m going to do it anyway. jughead: you are my favorite friend and i’ve always supported you.

and he’s back into anti mode because betty is being softcore up for some beronica

and a hard cut to toni killing it for no reason other than that we all forgot the vixens were a thing- and toni is a swell dancer so we’re all glad to see it

THE POMPONS ON HER SNEAKERS??????

“inner circle vixens- you know who you are” PPPFFFTTT

“MANDATORY SLUMBER PARTY” GOD I MISSED YOU HBIC VIXEN CHERYL

“you were only at southside high for like- four days” thank you. and i know jughead is tying it all to growing up in the neighborhood but like- come on. jug. he’s right. you didn’t hang out with toni and sweetpea and fangs and joaquin growing up. you hung out with archie and betty and kevin. you should not be speaking for the former just because you shared a zipcode in the part of your life you won’t even remember as an adult. and if you miss your mom and jellybean so much like- call them?! why are they not brought up more often?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! when am i going to finally see neeve campbell claim her right by combat to divorce skeet ulrich in dramatic fashion when she finds out about his lovechild?????????? she killed him twice in the nineties SHE’S EARNED THIS

HOMO EROTIC BRAID TRAIN

what is cheryl wearing is that a dress? a slip? a nightgown? I DON’T CARE I WANT IT ON MY BODY

also HOLY SHIT DOES SHE HAVE HER “BURN IT TO THE GROUND” DRESS ON DISPLAY ON A DRESSFORM GOD LOVE THAT WOMAN

“wait- is this real or a game?” i stand by the headcanon that not only did joaquin tell the gang about “this is riveting-” but secrets and sins and the whole night so toni like- has tangential second hand knowledge of season 1 cheryl’s bullshit and is trying to reconcile that with the vulnerable but emotionally stunted hottie she’s learned to love

god i’m still FURIOUS that we will never see teen serpents all together i would kill for a flashback of them all hanging out on the night of jughead’s birthday and joaquin bursts through the door at 2am like “I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST FUCKING NIGHT OF MY LIFE INCLUDING THAT TIME I STUFFED A BODY IN A FREEZER LET ME TELL YOU *EVERYTHING*”

also i just realized toni has primarily male friends so her confusion might be partially due to the fact she’s NEVER BEEN TO A SLEEPOVER?!?!?! she’s just sitting there like “oh shit- ‘i don’t feel safe in my home’ is this a game??? i haven’t seen this in any teen flicks how do you play??? are their pillow fights involved?????”

SHE JUST CALLED HER TT. LIKE JJ. as a messy bitch who loves questionable things in her suburban gothics: FUCK. YES.

there is.... something both HILARIOUSLY implausible, but also HILARIOUSLY realistic about this. “i invited you all here because i fear for my life in my own home.” “omg same let me tell you MY family drama.” sleepovers just be like that.

they just turn in after thiss???? okay THAT i don’t believe. sleepovers are the time for plotting convoluted and dangerous plans to solve your life problems, not vent for 30 seconds and then go to bed

THEY MADE EVERYONE ELSE SLEEP ON THE FLOOR BUT CHERONI IS BATHED IN SEXY RED MOOD LIGHTING I’M CACKLING

i’m trying to picture cheryl announcing the sleeping arrangements and i can’t stop laughing. “as the newest vixen, toni will have the privilege of a mattress. not alone of course. i AM the hostess after all. there is plenty of room.” toni: oh that’s so nice and not weird or suspicious of you cheryl i would love to bone- i mean sleep on the same bed three feet apart from you. everyone else: we’re still here stop being nasty.

cheryl and toni are meant to be because they both don’t remove their makeup before bed like some kind of goblins with naturally perfect skin no matter what hell they put it through

BLOSSOMS! BACK AT IT! THERE’S MY FAM! BRINGIN HOME THE GOLD WITH ATTEMPTED MURDER AND SOME CLAUDIUS/GERTRUDE- I MEAN PENELOPE ACTION

((i can’t tell if this episode is actually better or if i’m just in a better mood tonight. don’t care. having fun.))

molly ringwald!!!! missed you boo

.....who is that boy veronica just snubbed on his cupcake and kiss i only saw the back of his head but i know my TYPE when i see it

“right now i’m only interested in one girl, you.” ethel shifts uncomfortably because no one could resist that gay shit right there no matter how hard we may try

also tho- for the record, i’m with ethel, sexualizing your student body president campaign is tacky and archaic af

oh my god jughead you look like a freshman delivering his first speech at the regional finals

also lol they got like Other Serpents to fill in the club so that it’s not just the snakey core four

AND HE’S BACK USING THE TRIBE FOR HIS OWN NARRATIVE GODDAMMIT JUGHEAD YOU’RE MAKING IT SO HARD TO LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW

KEVIN THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THIS NONSENSE I THOUGHT YOU AND I AGREED YOU WORK ON JUST BEING YOU FOR AWHILE AND THEN IF JOQUIN COMES BACK THEN YOU HAVE A LOVE INTEREST?!

oh kev i can’t stay mad at you not when you can’t keep a secret to save your goddamn life. sweet bean. precious pea. too good for this world.

oh i like this. i like betty getting FEROCIOUSLY protective of kevin- even though i’m not even entirely sure chic is as dodgy as they’re trying to make us think

ahhh there she is josie- my ambitious girl.

oh my gooooooddddddddddd. serpents why are you listening to jughead- with that edit away from the scene i thought they were gunna let him have it. why do they suddenly think he’s right????? THEY HATED THAT SCHOOL! THEY WERE HAPPY TO GO TO RHS! THIS IS CANON AND IN THE DIALOGUE! I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS SEASON!

WUT THE FUCK BETTY. i kinda love it tho

oh lordy- heavy handed girl power political twisting- COMPLETE WITH SONG

i mean- i know that ethel has always been a very minor side character, but i’m still disappointed they’re using her for this plot when the last we saw of her in season one was her being very mature and understanding that veronica does not control her parents actions and now she’s the exact opposite with like- no new personal story to back this change up. you either get put on a bus at the end of season one or you stick around long enough to be handed a sloppily put together new personality that no one wants.

JOSIE?! honestly i know i keep saying it but this is so messy what even is this show anymore

((sorry i’m whining again- i really liked the sleepover bring that bit back))

that was a well done breakdown from mendes good job girl that built really nice

also was that a spark of season one hermione i saw???? please?????

“she wears it when she has sex with jughead” oh my. oh dearie me. this is. goodness.

betty you fell into one of the classic blunders- never admit anything you’re accused of until they have proof lol even chic is surprised that worked

alice needs a system reboot at the thought of jughead and betty boning for various reasons- not least of all the generational echo of her life

JUGHEAD AND FP SCENE. these are the only times this season that remind me of my love for that skinny little twerp. their interactions remain golden and heartbreaking and i love themboth to bits.

boys- wake up and smell the custody papers. jellybean aint comin back. good or bad idea. also jug- you’re sixteen? two years you’ll be out of here on a scholarship anyway- stop acting like people don’t move out of small towns anymore

OH GOD THEY’RE GENTLE SNUGGLING HLEP ME just bury me in scenes of these boys bonding over their pigheaded natures

like this annoys me that they’re couching this in archie drinking hiram’s koolaid because “i don’t think jughead’s fighting FOR anything.” is the smartest thing archie’s said all season

archie deserved that now go after jughead, molly ringwald i trust you to dress anyone and everyone down as you see fit

“i’m.... very well acquainted with how alluring the jones men are” yes.... yeeesssss..... yaassssss YASSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“woah- wait-” keep up betty we all knew this from alice and fp’s first interaction in season one

there she goes- puttin it together. “absolutely not” my lumpy ass

“don’t forget what he did.” “i will never forget” ......i’mma confess i honestly forgot about the murder that’s how fucking messy this season has been.

jesus christ this mutual blackmailing but also gaslighting between chic and betty is just nightmarishly stressful 

YASS BACK ON CHERYL BEING THE TRADITIONAL GOTHIC HEROINE OF EVERY MOOR-SET PAPERBACK EVER PRINTED i missed this. i missed the trational gothic heroine trapped in an american/suburban gothic.

*sigh* i’ve spent all season holding out hope- giving varchie the benefit of the doubt that they were both playing close to the chest and pulling long cons on mama and papa lodge, but i don’t know. i think it’s just bad writing now.

yeah hiram like anyone would ever believe that the bulldogs would go to disband a protest of their peers with wire cutters completely of their own volition. NO ONE is going to think the developer who is essentially the only one with a personal stake in the demolition of the school might have twisted their arms. solid plan. no one will suspect you’re pulling the strings of these teens.

god they’re making this so dramatic but i hate this plotline and the lack of consistency with the serpents plot so it’s just laughable

omg omg- can we just forget the unfortunateness of this episode’s plot for jughead and instead get fucking PUMPED to see him try to get votes for student council i am READY FOR THIS TRAINWRECK

lol- if this was anyone but jughead i’d be laughing at him agreeing that she stay in the trailer without consulting- you know- the adult who owns the trailer and is his legal guardian, but this is fp we’re talking about he’s gunna be so stoked. he’s gunna buy like all new pillows and sheets and curtains and like a “welcome home” teddybear and stock the fridge full of healthy things he imagines people like betty eat. like smoothies. fp needs all the strawberry smoothies as jughead’s dowery to seal the deal

MORE MOLLY RINGWALD?! YAYYYY!!!

HOLY SHIT???? i mean- i was all for cheryl being the typical gothic heroine trapped away and called mad once she wised up to her shady family but this is... hmmm. wow. that’s..... a lot. nto sure how i feel about it.