#I am not making huge decisions DUE TO OCD anymore

[vvakarians]

I need to be vulnerable for a second.

It’s been a year. I’ve made a lot of progress and am still uprooting shit I’ve been wading in for a while now. I’m growing and learning. But I’ve never gone into detail really, maybe on twitter and mentioned it a couple times but yeah. Been thinking a lot.

TW for Homophobia / Abuse

TLDR; My best friend was a shitlord and I spent ten minutes painfully sobbing about it. I’m fine lmao just needed to make a messy post.

Won’t be mentioning who they were on SM here but if mutuals who are and were friends w/ both of us want to know, hmu lmao. I sincerely hope y’all didn’t get shit on like I did

I’m so tired. I’m tired of knowing that someone I used to call my best friend literally cyberstalked me in a discord server and when I told them I wanted to have a space without them/wouldn’t be interacting with their character, they lost it.

I’ll call this person A. They were there for me through a lot but it got weird towards the end for sure. A was always clingy, always needed to be right (passed it off as an OCD thing), and always felt like they needed to be included in things I was doing. Abandonment issues due to trauma they said, still doesn’t excuse it but you know? Fine.

I identified as aro/ace for a long time bc I was severely traumatized. Someone thirst followed me and cornered me into a relationship/took my kindness for granted (Not A, not yet). A’s reaction was to assume I would never have time for them and we would drift apart, just because I had a partner. They complained about this to me and said that even if I was just their friend and QPP (we were both aro/ace) that they still felt I would abandon them. I tried to calm them down the entire time, this was October 2018. Three days later I had a severe PTSD break (unrelated trauma) and broke up with my ‘boyfriend’. A said it was the right decision and we left it at that.

Cut to me a year later having recovered a bit and realizing I had romantic feelings still. That I *wanted* to kiss and take someone out, and do heavily romantic things. During this time A and I had severe issues with D&D parties also where they would break down if they didn’t know everything and said that I couldn’t produce any part of my worlds for profit bc theh had contributed in a small way. It was a bad time. It lead to the complete disintegration of two relationships that I can...probably never get back. One of which I’m not sure I *want* back, but that’s a different story.

Basically they wanted to be the DM with half the credit despite only making npcs I could easily replace or cut out entirely. Now that I started playing again, I have.

I still was friends with them, still waveringly QPP’s with them. Though I’d often feel my skin crawl when they touched me or wanted to be in my space. This was all the time, not when I got triggered into a PTSD episode. I was annoyed when they wanted to always be in my space and have all my attention. But I felt obligated to A and had been recently traumatized again.

Even with all of this I wanted to come out as gay / mlm but still keep part of my aceness with me. Of course in feeling this, I approached A to let them know. Their response was to immediately come back with ‘we can do all of those things you want to do with a romantic partner’. Which I felt may be true for some aspecs but not me. I wanted to *be* with someone and not just...a friend. I wanted to have a boyfriend and be cheesy. I told A that it was probably true but I wanted something else. That I wanted space to think on what they had said. They came back with ‘you’re abandoning me. You just don’t like me. Everyone always leaves me’. Once again with the ‘you get a bf you’ll forget I exist’ rhetoric 🙃.

I told them that they weren’t the person I wanted to be romantic with. I was looking for someone else. I wasn’t attracted to them that way. They took that as an insult. Though to me they relented. Come to find out A got one of our mutual friends involved bc they lived in the same area. They vented and complained to them that I was going to abandon them, that I was punishing them, that they didn’t know what they did wrong. Which was behavior my parents exhibited when I was forced out as trans to them. That Inwas punishing them somehow for a misdeed or that they knew me better, they did something ‘wrong’.

The only outlet I had away from A was TikTok, we weren’t really doing D&D anymore because the party had dissolved due to their controlling habits. Every account I had was heavily monitored by A, I would vent and they would immediately pull it up and ask if I was okay. Even if I had explicitly said before that I was alright and needed some space. But TikTok was a place they barely went on. So I cosplayed more after our last visit (October 2019), and got a small following after joining a lovely d&d tag ran by one of my now closest friends. I also met my boyfriend through this tag, and several other very close friends. I made an oc that I integrated in one or two sessions of D&D before I completely stopped DMing.

Now, it gets worse. I get a following for cosplaying my oc Asariel Whately, join a server, and for a time have a pretty okay place away from A. Some breathing room. When I mentioned that Asariel (who we had talked about maybe being w/ an oc of theirs) was going to romance my now boyfriends oc in the tag, they got upset. They said that they were sad to see them with someone else, and asked if it could all be before my campaign/not actually be real. I told them no and that I’d continue doing what I wanted.

Well, after that and scouring my TikTok (i made the mistake of saying anything in the first place), they got invited to the server and started RPing/cosplaying in the tag. Which they’re allowed to do, but A has a history of wanting to be in my things and being the center of attention. When I say A got involved with *several* other characters, including a possible *minor*, that doesn’t even cover the worst of it. They got involved in a huge polyam relationship (which is fine, i’ll explain why their behavior was weird tho) that LITERALLY took up chunks of the whole server. Any time my bf and I got into chat to rp out some scene for Asariel and Fraanic, A was there to bury our scene in their own garbage. Could have been conicidence but who knows. Then the minor got added into the mix and most of us just had the server on mute/rped in DMs. It was so bad that other people noticed their bad behavior, meta gaming, and needing to be right.

Our relationship ended when someone from a private close knit server made up of all the people who wanted to remove ourselves from the toxic environment, outed our server. Said there was an nsfw server and A immediately jumped to say they wanted an invite. I panicked and DMed them for the first time in weeks to say that they couldn’t. That I needed space from them and this was the one place I had. We had a fight, they said ‘they’re my friends too’ and I pointed out that they had forced their way in, that I said I needed space. Eventually they gave up on it, thank god. But it left me wrecked for months. I didn’t create, I retreated into a two person server with my best friend who is now my boyfriend and just never looked back.

While I’m grateful that this massive upheaval gave me a new support network, got me into a good place for a romantic partnership, and allowed me to heal...I still have a lot of pain. I felt like I had been commodiefied, like an object because of how kind and soft and pliable I was. Because someone thought I was beautiful and *theirs* in the worst way. My ocs who are some of my largest coping mechanisms were tainted, I could barely play Dragon Age, couldn’t think about it. Because someone had conpletely obliterated my love for it. I hate to think they then continued to do that same thing to other people but I honestly have no clue what A is doing now. They dropped off the planet and honestly good riddance.

[aquarianlights]

Thought of the day as someone who is a slightly over the 1 year mark of struggling with legitimate disability to the point of being unable to function:

If I can't get my able bodied life back, there's legit no point in living because life like this just isn't worth it.

I can find my anger cloud a home where he can be taken care of like he deserves & since he is the only thing keeping me alive & the only thing that is making me work hard asf for physical therapy & to find the right treatment for the right diagnosis, there would be nothing left to fight for & I feel like I'm just a financial burden to my family as a disabled person. Plus, my mom is constantly asking questions like "when will I get my normal child back" and "when will my child be back to the way they were", etc.

What if there is no "back to normal"? Then I'm just a burden physically, too.

I can't do anything or be anything I enjoy anymore so what is the point? I do not know anyone who would want to live like this.

My life was incredible before this & I had an amazing future that I was getting into from here.

And now I just suddenly have to give all of that up? And be trapped 24/7, doing nothing, being no one, being alone and unable to give my dog the life he deserves, not even getting into what I need or want?

I can't do that. I just can't live like this. No one would want to.

I know there are plenty of others who have it much worse than me who are happy & make it work.

I am still living alone & able to make it work, kind of. Not really, tbh, & I need help so badly, which my therapist is working on getting me through the social worker network at her job. But until then, everything is chaos due to my physical inability & that alone is enough to put me in such a horrible headspace I could yeet myself off a cliff. I can't do mess. I can't do disorganization. I can't do any level of uncleanliness. I need conditions that are close to a hospitals level of sanitized, but my apartment is currently in chaos and so dirty because I just have SO much to do, am in so much pain, have so much fatigue constantly & having a dog + carpet is not great. It never has been, but it's ESPECIALLY not great now that I cannot do frequent, obsessive cleanings. I developed OCD after my grandparents died & not having a way to channel that energy via cleaning, organizing and notetaking, etc, is putting me in a horrible, terrible place & my obsession with counting by 5's has taken a weird turn into odd places because of it which is hindering all sorts of things and it's just so stupid.

I just can't do this. I may still have some autonomy but it's no where near enough. Even regaining, like... 60% mobility wouldn't be enough. I'd need at least 90% + the fatigue issue solved.

I cannot act on any of these thoughts as long as my dog is with me. But if I can find an owner for him (which would take a long time & be a HUGE decision & would only be made if I genuinely made the decision to throw the towel in & made preparations for my death first), then at least I know that's an option. It's comforting to know there is a way out of constantly waking up in an extremely painful, fatigued, dirty, chaotic, financially decrepit hell if I just can't take it anymore.

Anyways, I know no one will read this coz I have turned this into an aesthetic blog over the years, but it felt good to vent. I used to use this blog as my diary, but... it hasn't been like that for a looooong time. I am just dying all alone over here. Quarantine has been very fucking long for the immunocompromised... very. very long... and I feel completely alone in this. *Completely* alone. 😔

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

*trigger warning: child abuse, suicide

The unraveling of a lifetime of denial

At the beginning of last year, I cut all ties with my abusive brother after I started having vivid, highly disturbing nightmares about him. I could no longer deny how badly he hurt me. I couldn’t even see his name or picture without going into a flashback.

Also at the beginning of last year, I went no contact with my narcissistic mother. She pretended to empathize and believe me about my brother to then go behind my back and complain about “having to handle me with kid gloves” (although she never has, even when I actually was a kid).

I lived with my sister from then until February of this year, who showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt (and even admitted) that she’s just like my mother. So after a lot of wrestling with my own denial, I had to go no contact with her as well.

That left my dad. I stayed in contact with him until about April/May of this year! But once I started being honest with myself about everyone in my family, peeling back the layers of denial.. and no longer had to live in disassociation because I no longer lived with any family members, it became more clear to me all the ways he was abusive on his own. There was like a tier of abusive people in my family, everyone abused me physically when I was a child and continued to emotionally even into my adulthood. I started to realize any connection to my family at all kept me stuck in this role as the scapegoat - I saw myself through their eyes: as worthless, deserving abuse, my feelings didn’t matter. I was struggling with money and my dad offered to help, the last time I saw him he was cold and indifferent as he always is, but I couldn’t make excuses anymore. I couldn’t fawn anymore. I’m an adult now, I don’t need these trauma responses to survive, I don’t have to retraumatize myself any longer. I remember feeling fine before seeing him, then after I saw him I was hit with a huge wave of feeling suicidal. It couldn’t be any clearer to me what I had to do. It was excruciating: but I had to let go of the final person in my family I was making excuses for.. I was believing a fairy tale in my head about, “at least I had this person” when really they were hurting me along with the rest of them. I made the decision to give up my car, to accept any financial consequences that would arise from not depending on him any longer or seeing/speaking to him in any way. My inner child wasn’t safe around him. I had to hide my vulnerability, and I already have to do that with the rest of the world. To try to do that around the people that should feel like home, is draining and depressing.

The shedding of the denial and disassociation I lived in for my entire life was the most painful and difficult process, I don’t even know how to convey it or put it into words. I remember I sat down at my laptop and started writing a google document intended to be the start of a book. I thought I could sum up my mother’s narcissistic abuse rather quickly. But when I started writing, in a house without any family or abusers, the truth came flooding back to me. I was never safe. My childhood was characterized by violence and threats of violence. I have actually been abused by everyone in my family. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I was like a lamb among wolves. The more I learned about narcissistic mothers and how they triangulate and manipulate the whole family, I felt like I finally understood what was wrong with my family. I see now why my mother worked so hard to keep my controlled and gaslit. Once I started seeing this I couldn’t unsee it. I tried writing about my childhood and realized there were entire years I have barely any recollection of. For the first time in my life since childhood I was flooded again with the sheer terror of my childhood. It wasn’t just neglect. They weren’t just busy or stressed. They were purposely cruel. No amount of minimization or invalidation could make me unsee this truth.

For months I lived in this terror. It didn’t help that there were many compounding factors leading to the decline of my mental health. I got the worst physical injury I’ve had in my life, and every time my wife would undress, clean and redress the wound, I would go into a flashback of when I was physically hurt by my family members and couldn’t get away or fight back. I cried and cried and cried, I shook, I screamed. I didn’t understand what was happening for a while, I didn’t understand why I felt so trapped and powerless and terrified. My wife of course wasn’t purposely hurting me at all, she was helping me, doing what had to be done, and it tore her up to see me in so much pain. It was also physically gruesome to me. I couldn’t look at the wound. It also impaired my functioning more than it already was, because it was my right hand. I couldn’t open or pour myself drinks, I couldn’t really make myself meals, I couldn’t type on my phone which was how I was journaling.

Around this same time the pandemic hit. Along with my constant flashbacks and my finger injury, I started developing OCD like behavior: intense fear of not washing my hands enough, of anything being dirty or contaminated, I felt like I could never get clean enough. I was having daily panic attacks, along with the flashbacks and uncontrollable crying that would happen twice a day when my finger was being cleaned and dressed. I started starving myself. I developed constant headaches, dizziness, fatigue, my muscles and bones started to hurt. I started sleeping all day and only being awake at night in the darkness of my room. I barely left my room, even to go to the bathroom or kitchen. Sitting up became difficult. I remember almost blacking out, feeling swallowed by darkness, and surrendering to it: thinking yes, please, take me, finally. I developed agoraphobia, afraid to even sit on my porch, everyone and everything felt like a threat. I tried sitting by a window and still felt exposed and scared, I’d end up quickly shutting the blinds if I saw anyone and always felt myself scanning for danger. I knew this was CPTSD. I tried a couple different jobs and couldn’t do them, due to my physical and emotional impairments. By June, I gave myself til the end of the month for things to get better. I said to myself, if things don’t get better by then, I give myself permission to kill myself. A wave of relief and joy washed over me. Only one more month!!! Finally, no more suffering! Finally, no more living for others while I am already dead inside. Although at the same time there was this tiny little voice inside me that knew these things I was experiencing were going to get better in time. I kept this plan a secret from my wife. I planned what I was going to do and where my body was going to be found. Then the next day I tried hanging out with her like normal and she started talking about the future. Months from now, things we could do together. I started crying, I didn’t tell her why, I just knew there was no way I could do this to her, no matter how much I was suffering. Within a couple days I told her to keep the bottle of pills with her at night while she went to work because I wanted to overdose on them. Positive change came at the end of the month via a work from home job I tried to do, but could only do for 2 weeks before burning out. But it was enough for me to keep on living and not feel like a burden. Eventually I told my wife about the deal I made with myself and why, and she assured me she wanted me around even if I couldn’t work. Around the time I made the plan I remember being in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, into my eyes, and it was like my inner child inside me said to me, Don’t give up on me.

I tried a free counselor and she wasn’t good. I tried an anti depressant and the side effects were too bad for me to stay on it. This whole time I was self medicating with cannabis but at times it would make the flashbacks and paranoia worse. My finger finally healed. I finally found a supplement that helped me have enough energy to get out of bed more, to cook and even to dance. I learned what to do during flashbacks. I learned how to comfort my inner child. I learned about “high functioning” autism and how so many females go undiagnosed or get misdiagnosed as BPD (which I was in 2013). It explained so many of my difficulties my entire life, including my being taken advantage of by so many people, my hyper sensitivity and my current burnout. The term masking perfectly described what I’ve been doing my entire life. I thought everyone mimicked personalities they thought were likeable to such a degree, I thought everyone followed scripts in their head. I started seeing how the flashbacks from trauma I’ve been experiencing have been compounded by the rumination/brain loops from autism, and meltdowns from sensory overload. I’m finally at a place where I feel like I know how to manage flashbacks and I’m aware of my sensory intolerances/sensitivities. I’m finally at a place where I consistently listen to my body, I don’t push myself into meltdowns. I’m still not working, I still have physical symptoms that we think may be MS but we don’t have insurance for me to see a neurologist yet. I am not starving myself, I’m forcing myself to eat. I’ve been able to go outside more. It’s September, we’re still in a pandemic and I still have trauma to work through, but it’s a lot less on my plate then a couple months ago. I’ve been stretching and even lifting weights from time to time. I’ve been singing and writing. This whole time I’ve been researching everything intensely, it’s one of my “preoccupations”. I’ve learned so much about CPTSD, childhood trauma, narcissistic abuse/families and I continue to learn every day. If you read this far, thank you for reading. I just had to get this out. I’m aware it’s not grammatically perfect. I feel a shift happening as I understand myself more and more. I don’t think too far in the future. But I know I’m heading in the right direction. I know I made the right decision in going no contact with my family. I know it wasn’t my fault they did what they did/are who they are. I’m finding joy in the little things. I still have bad days, healing is like that... two steps forward, one step back. I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. I want more girls with autism to have support and understanding. I don’t want kids to go through abuse and blame themselves. I don’t want scapegoat children of narcissistic mothers/families to feel obligated to stay in contact with their parasitic families. I want mental health care to be better, more accessible and more affordable.

[doof-doofblog]

"Now You Know How Ashamed I Am Of You!"

Friday 16th October 2020

Hello again everyone! Hope you're have a great day so far! I once again realise I am so far behind but I'm going to try my best to catch up as soon as I can! I'll be reviewing Friday's episode in this post. I'm not going to waste any of your time, let's get right into it!

The previous episode ended with Shirley talking Gray down from setting his house alight with him and the children inside. The episode starts the morning after, Shirley has spent the night on the sofa in Gray's living room. Gray walks in and nudges her awake, he is completely thankful for what she did last night. But Shirley isn't convinced, she knows that if she hadn't come round, he would've set the house on fire. She knows that it wasn't just a moment of weakness, as he says. She knows it was all planned, she understands that he's grieving, but to go to the extent of killing himself and his children, it's plain to see that the grieving Dad isn't coping. Shirley then decides to do something which will hopefully wake him up a bit, she gets her phone and and begins dialling - Gray looks a bit concerned as to what she's about to do. She then reveals that she is going to call the police or the social services, anyone who will take the children away to stop Gray from harming them. Gray pleads Shirley not to make the call, but she gives him an ultimatum, the kids go and live with Karen and Mitch while he gets himself together, or she'll call the social services, it's his choice!

At the Mitchell household, Lola walks in on Phil. It's clear to see that they haven't spoken to one another since Lola revealed everything to Denise about Phil visiting Raymond. Phil gives Lola the cold shoulder as she tries to explain her actions. She even mentions to him that if she had caught Denise doing the same thing, she would've acted in the same way, not just to Phil. Suddenly they're interrupted by a knock at the door, without saying a word, Ellie storms in and gives daggers to Phil. I know it's quite silly to say, but I'm looking forward to seeing their confrontation! Is Phil going to be given a warning to keep his distance? Will he have a battle on his hands?

Meanwhile at the Beale household, it looks as if Kathy has joined a dating app. As Bobby walks in on her and Peter giggling about the whole thing, Kathy reveals that everyone she has seen looks as if they belong in a care home. Bobby warns his Gran to be careful while she's looking through the app, as no one will be as they appear online. Who knows what kind of people she'll come across? Kathy then reveals that she's going to delete the app anyway as she's not had much look, Peter then takes it upon himself to change a bit of her profile. Without her knowing, he changes her age from 70 to 45! Firstly can I just how AMAZING Kathy looks for 70! I had no idea she was that age ... I honestly thought she was a little younger!! How is she going to react when she realises Peter has changed her age?!

Back at the Mitchell's Ellie is making perfectly clear to Phil that he needs to stay away. Phil apologises for lying, but he also admits that it was the only thing he could think of as an excuse for seeing Raymond. She tells him that he has had his chance to see Raymond under false pretences, he now needs to leave them alone considering they have a lot of things to go through "Especially now!" ... when she says those last two words, something doesn't sit right with Phil. What could she mean by that?! As she hurries off, Phil is quick to follow her, asking her what she meant by "Especially now!" ... Phil follows Ellie onto the Square demanding to know what she's talking about, suddenly Denise hears all the racket being made on the Square and she confronts the both of them, it's then that Ellie reveals that Raymond needs a procedure to get some bones pinned and that he's going to be on a waiting list. But before she can say anymore, Jack and Denise jump in to stop Phil finding out anymore information, and Ellie somehow disappears out of the scene.

At the Prince Albert, Shirley is finally catching up with Mick, Linda and Tina. Mick is less than pleased to see his Mother, as Linda makes small talk, informing her that Jean had mentioned that she didn't return home last night. Mick is silent as Shirley explains that she won't be going back to the Slater household due to Stacey being back with the children, it looks as if the Carter family don't really know what to say and it's only when Shirley shouts at them that Linda assures her that she can move in with herself and Mick. He seems less than impressed as he storms out of the club, is Mick blaming his Mum for putting him into care? Probably blaming her for his abuse? As it wouldn't have happened if he was put into care in the first place. Shirley seems upset that her son is avoiding her, she says to Linda "I thought thing we're going to be different this morning. Forgiven. Forgotten?!" Tina clearly has no idea what is going on within her family and its only when she asks that she finds out from Linda that Shirley seems to think Mick's mood has something to do with Frankie's Mum, Katy.

Back at home, Jack is trying to console his girlfriend and explain that once Raymond is discharged from the hospital, Phil will go back to his normal ways and focus on his dodgy deals and motors at the Arches. But Denise doesn't seem to think so, she's convinced that now Phil knows about his son, he's going to do everything in his power to make sure he's involved in the child's life. But Jack seems to reassure her that if Phil ever tries anything, he'll be the one to put a stop to it. As this conversation is taking place, Phil eventually catches up with Ellie, he insists that if Raymond needs any help, if he needs a procedure, he will pay for it! However, without him realising, Lola is watching from a distance. Is Phil going to be making a huge mistake?!

Meanwhile, in the Vic, Martin is catching up with Kush with Lily in tow. Lily is sat at the table playing a game on a mobile phone, at first we're not sure what she's playing and who's phone she's playing on. Martin and Kush are discussing recent events involving the Slater's and Martin and Ruby. Martin asks his best friend why he didn't make an appearance, but Kush assures his friend that he's not playing sides. I guess it's really none of his business who Martin wants to be with, I guess you could say it's just easier for him to play it safe and not be on anyone's side - that way he can still be friends with Martin and still see his son, Arthur. Suddenly Lily pipes up and claims that the phone she's using is rubbish, it's only when Martin takes the phone from her that he sees what she's been playing - Poker on Kush's phone! Martin asks whether or not it's a real game, only we know that in recent weeks that Kush has been playing poker on his phone more and more, it was the way he managed to get the money to pay Suki rent. Kush reassures his friend that it is just an app game, but then when Martin reveals that he's lucky, because Lily had just lost him £5,000! Kush's eyes look in dismay, is he going to be in big trouble now?

Upstairs of the Vic, Sharon is alone cleaning up as we hear footsteps approaching, Bobby has come to see her. Something tells me we're about to see another storyline for Bobby. Recently he's been reminding everyone to keep clean and wash their hands. Is the cause of Covid-19 about to kick off some kind of OCD? Will he find the need the clean absolutely everywhere until he feels in himself that it's safe to carry on with things? He approaches Sharon and offers to clean everything for her for the whole afternoon while she looks after Albie. It's then that Sharon apologises to him for the way Dennis spoke about him, but Bobby is an absolute sweetheart and tells her that whatever Dennis did, it's all in the past and it's been forgotten, Dennis probably didn't mean what he said about him anyway. Sharon thanks the young teenager and leaves him to crack on with his cleaning.

Back at the Atkins household, it looks as if Shirley is waiting for Gray to return. This scene was another brilliant, interesting scene between Linda Henry and Toby-Alexander Smith. Gray is shocked to see Shirley sat in his kitchen, he asks her how she got in and she reveals a set of keys from her pocket. This conversation between them both seems to really hit the nail on the head. Shirley felt like she had to step in and help Gray, she explains to him that she understands how he's feeling because at this moment in time, Mick isn't happy with her. Gray seems interested and asks why. The only thing she says is that this particular scar is taking longer to heal. I think it's then that Gray realises what she's trying to say, if he had gone through with torching the family home, that would've been a scar for his children which probably would never heal for them. It looks as if (maybe) Shirley and Gray have a bit in common, they understand what each other are going through because they have both been made to feel that they can't cope and that they went down the route of making silly decisions and making stupid mistakes! Gray then suggests to Shirley that she needs to say sorry to Mick, no matter how many times it will take, she needs to keep trying! They clearly have a mutual understanding of each other and I like that, it seems like the most two unlikely people, but it really has worked!

Back at the Slater household, Kush is back on his phone. Something is telling me that perhaps he's trying to win back the £5,000 that Lily lost him! Oooo is Lily going to be such a little madam?! She walks in on Kush playing his game and she knows that it was a real game. She informs him that Kat would be unhappy if she knew about him gaming, she even mentions that Kat was angry at Alfie when she caught him coming out of the bookies. Kush tells the little girl never to play on his phone again, but it looks as if she's got one up on him. She throws a magazine onto the kitchen table and informs him that she's wanting a tablet. Is she threatening him? If he doesn't get her the tablet, will she tell Kat and Stacey what he's been up to? Uh-oh! Kush is stuck in the corner now! I know we've not seen much of her recently, but what do you guys think of the new little actress playing Lily? I think I did prefer the previous little girl as she was incredibly cute, but maybe they're going to be taking a different path with Lily - will she become a troublesome child? Who knows?

Meanwhile, it looks as if Phil has made a bank transaction over the phone of £5,000. He's convinced that he's doing the right thing and making the right decision. He catches up with Lola and informs her that everything with Ellie seems to be okay now. He announces that he's on his way to the hospital to go and see Raymond again, Lola seems surprised but Phil seems to inform her that now Ellie is aware of who he is, he doesn't need to pretend or hide anymore. With that he happily leaves to see his son. As they both arrive at the hospital, they find that Raymond's bed is empty. Phil quickly asks the doctor whether he's been moved to another unit and inquires about the treatment Raymond needs. It's only then that the doctor reveals the shocking information that Raymond has been discharged, he's home and he doesn't need anymore treatment! Phil's eyes are wide with shock! It's been a very long time since anyone has pulled the wall over his eyes like that! He knows he's been made a mug of and he's just given Ellie £5,000 for Raymond's supposed treatment! How the heck is he going to find a way out of this one? Will he track her down and get his money back?!

Back at the Carter's, Tina finds Shirley alone and asks where Mick might've got to, but slowly Mick approaches her from behind. Poor Tina, she obviously thinks she's done the right thing to help Mick with his feelings. She reveals she's only gone and found Katy online and she's debating whether to give her a call or not. Does this mean that Katy could be arriving to the Square pretty soon? Mick looks incredibly uncomfortable as Tina shows him the picture of their old friend. He doesn't say a word as he looks as the picture and quickly makes his escape. Shirley follows her son shouting after him, she can see that he's feeling awkward right now. Poor Tina has no idea what is going on in Mick's head, she's left baffled as they both walk away. The last scene of this episode, out on the Square, Shirley catches up with her son. She takes Gray's advice and begins to tell him how sorry she is for putting him into care, for it being Katy raising him instead of her. She's pleading for forgiveness from her son, but something is telling me that it's not what Shirley did that is upsetting Mick, it's coming to terms with him being abused. For a split moment, it looks as if he's going to tell his Mum exactly what is going on in his head, exactly what he's found out and what he's come to the realisation to. However, his words turn very quickly - as he seems to think about his own children and thinks to himself how someone can do that to a child? - Do what exactly? - Sexually abuse them? Put them into care? The whole speech he makes is as if he's speaking about his sexual abuse, but then maybe he does blame his Mother for putting him into care? Then perhaps his abuse wouldn't have happened in the first place! He announces that now she knows how much he is ashamed of her! He walks away and leaves his poor Mum in floods of tears!

I do feel for Shirley right now, I don't think Mick means to take his blame out on his Mum, it's obvious his anger is meant to be towards Katy. How the hell is he going to react when she arrives?! I think it's going to be quite harrowing for the Carter family over then next few weeks, especially Mick! What do you think is going to happen? I promise you all, I will be back tomorrow night following Monday's episode - I feel that I will probably get round to making a post every night this week, just to make sure that I am up to date! I'm sorry if this post is a bit long! I hope you all enjoy the rest of your day, I'll be back tomorrow! Thank you again everyone! xXx

[emeto-things]

I really need help :(

My emetophobia has gotten so much worse recently and it’s literally taking over my life.

Every single aspect of my life has been affected by this horrendous phobia.

I’ll explain - I would love to have you guys’ help.

FOOD -

Food is my biggest struggle in this phobia. It’s to the point I can’t eat anything and I mean anything comfortably. Say I get a sandwich from Subway. First, I will be extremely paranoid of the ham/turkey/meat on the sandwich and think that it’s chewy or hard to tear apart, or it’s a little warmer than it should be which leads to the thought of “Has this been sitting out for a while?” and then the mayonnaise worries me wondering if they refrigerate it properly or not. Then for lettuce, I worry it wasn’t washed well enough and that the bread could be moldy and then it goes even deeper to what if they didn’t wash their hands? what if their gloves are dirty? what if they feel s* while making my food and somehow transfer those germs onto my sandwich?

So either I wont eat it, I’ll eat some of it and then be paranoid for the rest of the day wondering if I’ll get fp*. Not to mention I get a bunch of looks and questions from my family and friends. “What’s wrong with that piece of ham thrown to the side?

“Why didn’t you finish that?

“Why are you spitting that out? And as to not be embarrassed, I just say "Oh it was a fatty piece” or “I’m not hungry” or “I already ate.”

But this isn’t just with Subway, it’s everything I eat. From cereal (The milk being spoiled or cereal being stale), meat (worry that its uncooked or any hard pieces means it’s raw), dairy products (fear of it being molded, spoiled or having a lactose intolerance)

So basically I hate eating more than anything in the world and I try not to eat unless I have to but then I get weak and dizzy and have stomach aches but if I DO eat, I get panicky and scared and also have stomach aches.

SLEEP -

I can never sleep even if I feel the tiniest bit “off”. If my stomach hurts or feels anything but “normal” or if my throat feels weird, or if I feel like I’ve been exposed to an sv*, I won’t sleep until I feel “normal” again which is anywhere between 4-6am. Then I wake up at like 1-3pm and my day gets started late so I rush around which stresses me out more and makes me weak, tired, dizzy and irritable on TOP of not eating much/healthy/like a normal person, I feel even worse.

SCHOOL -

Thankfully I’m homeschooled and my mom is pretty lenient on me, but almost every time I do school I have a panic attack because the numbers in math trigger my OCD which triggers my anxiety which triggers panic attack so I can’t get through a school lesson so my mom gets mad and says I need a doctor but I keep telling her “no i can do it by myself” although I’ve been like this for 3 years and haven’t gotten better and am way behind in school due to avoiding school for fear of panic attacks and also I never wake up on time due to the sleep issue I previously mentioned.

FRIENDS -

I never go to groups or anywhere to meet friends because I’m too scared of germs or someone there being s* and getting me s*. So I literally have no friends - literally. Not even one. Which makes emet even worse because I have nobody to talk to about it.

EXERCISE -

My mom and brother and I used to always go on evening walks around the neighborhood and before I had this horrible phobia, I LOVED doing that. It was so much fun to walk around the neighborhood then jump in the pool afterwards but now - I worry I’ll get too hot and be n* and v* from walking and getting even the least bit hot. And I worry I’ll get somehow seas* from being in the pool or that if I do handstands in the pool I’ll get dizzy and get s* or that someone is spreading germs in the pool that will get to me. So now I dread walking and it’s so bad my mom and brother have noticed the change in me and keep saying “you used to love it! what happened?” And I don’t really have an answer…

WEIGHT -

This kinda goes along with the food topic, but the average weight for a 15 1/12 female is around 110-115 and I’m currently 105 and so unhappy because my arms are so skinny and my face is narrow. In December 2017 when I turned 15 I weighed 94 pounds which is horrible but I can’t seem to get up to 110-115 (aka the average) because I can’t eat the proper foods to make me gain weight and grow like a teenager should.

SIDE NOTES -

I also have a fear of passing out and to make it worse I heard sometimes when people pass out they v* too which is a double fear. Blood has always made me feel faint, I haven’t ever passed out thankfully but I do feel like it and therefore panic about passing out so I’ve gotten to the point that a paper cut triggers my anxiety about passing out/throwing up and it’s pretty impossible to avoid cuts and getting hurt. And sometimes putting in and taking out earrings makes me squeamish and I haven’t worn earrings in forever although i’d love to I’m too scared (i didn’t even have this problem 6 months ago which shows how my phobias/ mental disorders and progressively getting worse)

And I’m also worried of other health problems like seizures, dying, UTI’s, period problems etc. I’m literally anxious 24/7. I’m always on edge, tense, scared or panicky. My life is anything but happy and I feel horrible all the time. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!

I’m not suicidal or anything but sometimes I do think about how if I was dead I wouldn’t have to feel like this. I don’t wanna die but at the same time, i’m not even living. I’m just existing and feeling chronic mental pain and exhaustion.

I hate my life and I wish I could just start over as a baby and change my decisions.

I’m literally jealous of girls who don’t have emet because they’re like the perfect weight meanwhile I’m an ugly skinny stick because I never eat.

And i’m never happy.

help me please i’m suffering so much

** I think at this point therapy and medication can be a huge help for you! Please look into it. It has helped me and others tremendously. I rarely ever have panic attacks anymore, I eat what I want, and I sleep like a baby! You will get over this! Also, switch to almond milk. It’s way better for you anyway <3 **