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artificialqueens · 4 years ago

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Someone I Genuinely Love (Taywhora) - pureCAMP

A/N - I feel like a broken record but it must be said, I feel like I exclusively write for Ortega at this point and I am not mad at it, I love her more than I love myself. Here is a short little Taywhora for my favourite scottish queen <3

The night - er, morning - was a disaster.

To be honest, Tayce had seen it coming from a mile off, and she had warned Lawrence that inviting both A’Whora and Tia was going to be an absolute shitstorm. They just plain didn’t like each other, which was fine, but A’Whora had trouble holding her sharp tongue at the best of times, and mixing in a bucket-load of alcohol and a pretty cramped house, and you had a recipe for chaos.

(And, really? A house party? Were they still seventeen?)

Nevertheless, it was Lawrence’s birthday, and she called the shots, and she drank the shots, and she got to choose who came to her house to get unreasonably pissed into the wee hours of the morning.

Tia was there pretty early - or, at least, she was on time like most of them. She was stood in the kitchen with a Smirnoff Ice in her hand, happily chatting away to Ellie, wearing a dress that Tayce had complimented, if only to make some brief conversation. It was… passable, really, a half-decent outfit if she went that far, but nothing to write home about. Unfortunately, Tayce knew A’Whora was gonna hate it, and A’Whora with a loose tongue was almost certainly gonna make a comment about it.

The girl in question rocked up late and sloppy, as per her usual style. She stumbled through the front door and leant in the frame with a tipsy smile, plush lips painted pink and dabbed with glitter, eyelashes fluttering. Her skin-tight dress was fuchsia, bright, emphasising her soft tan thighs that the fabric rode up against and clinging to every inch of her. Once neat, her dark hair was messily piled on top of her head, falling tantalisingly in front of her face.

Tayce couldn’t help but feel relieved that she’d decided to come.

“The party can finally start!” A’Whora exclaimed, raising her drink in the air with a flourish and slamming the door behind her with her heel.

“It already started, ya lazy fuck!” Lawrence yelled from the back of the house. Tayce, standing at the bottom of the stairs and looking onto the front door, made eye contact with A’Whora and giggled at their friend.

“Isn’t she charming?” Tayce gestured towards the general vicinity of Lawrence’s voice.

A’Whora crept closer, her eyes wide and expectant. “Okay, listen. I saw Tia’s snapchat earlier. Tell me she got changed before coming out tonight.”

Here we go. Tayce bit her lip. “Aurora. A’Whora Borealis. You be nice.”

“I’m not trying to be rude or anything but she looks like a fucking Year Nine at her first party wearing a Pretty Little Thing dress that her mum chose for her. I mean, is she serious about it? Is it like a joke?” A’Whora covered her mouth with the side of her hand, her tone conspiratory and judgemental.

Tayce rolled her eyes, both fond and irritated. “Whory, be nice. She clearly likes it, let her have fun. She’s not hurting anybody.”

“She’s hurting my eyes.” A’Whora rebuffed, pursing her lips. “Not like you, though. You’re a sight for sore eyes tonight.”

Internally she was pleased, but played it off smoothly. It wasn’t like Tayce had cleverly thought out her oversized blazer and thigh-high boots combo with A’Whora in mind, of course not. It wasn’t like she’d tailored her outfit hoping for a good response from her… friend? What even was A’Whora besides a hot girl she’d known forever who she spent 50% of her time blatantly flirting back and forth with and 50% of her time denying that she was doing it?

Lawrence burst through the corridor in a flourish of colour to greet A’Whora and groaned, fanning herself with her hand. “Fuck me, I am sweating.”

Tayce blinked. “It’s October. There’s no way you’re hot, in October, in Scotland.”

“Not from the heat, fuckin’ braindead supermodel. From the weight of the crushing sexual tension in this room.”

She looked pointedly between A’Whora and Tayce, neither of whom were particularly shocked by Lawrence’s openness, having grown used to it. However, in an embarrassingly same wavelength move, both girls cocked an eyebrow.

“Aye, I’m talking about you, pinchin’ your Botox lips at me Miss A’Whora the Explorer.”

A’Whora shook her head. “The cheek! Cheek of you to suggest that something’s going on here.”

“Not sure where you’re getting your sources from, but I’d consider leaving The Sun’s team out of your investigations,” Tayce added, A’Whora trying and failing to conceal her smile as Lawrence playfully whacked her arm.

“Get to fuck with those accusations. You carry on living out your little Gavin and Stacey storyline and I’ll go ask the Pope if he’s still shitting in the woods or if bears are still Catholic. Have fun ya fucking lesbians.”

As she disappeared back into the living room, where Bimini had started blasting something with a heavy, pulsing beat, A’Whora turned back to Tayce with an offended look on her face.

“Did that William Wallace wannabe just imply that I’d be the man in the relationship just because I’m English?” She asked, reeling backwards. “Fucking cheek!”

Tayce laughed. “Well, you don’t have legs like mine…” She trailed off, predicting A’Whora’s outburst.

“Hey! Listen, we’d be a great Naomi and Kim, so shut your beautiful face and stop seducing me with that gorgeous accent.” She paused for a second, thinking, and then blinked. “I mean Naomi Campbell and Kim Kardashian, I realise that sounded like something different…”

Tayce looped her arm through A’Whora’s and started trudging down the hallway, making their way into the living room with most of the others. “I love that you think you’re anything like a Kardashian, babe. The Kylie lips maybe, but you’re no Kim.”

As the music grew louder and louder in their eyes, Bimini wrapping a drunk sweaty arm around them both and bellowing something inaudible, Tayce leaned in close to A’Whora’s ear and added, “I’d much prefer what you’ve got to what Kim’s got.”

That was the game; cat and mouse, a game of chase and coy avoidance. After that, she slipped away to dance with Asttina, sipping on her drink and trying to hide her eagerness. The next move was A’Whora’s, as they both knew, and she could play it whenever she wanted.

It was after maybe another hour of drinking and gushing with her friends about how beautiful everyone looked and how drunk they all felt that Tayce realised the atmosphere in Lawrence’s living room was a little too kind. Nothing wrong with that, of course, and a house full of drunk girls was basically the club bathroom scenario elevated to an extreme level, but a kind atmosphere meant that A’Whora had clearly gone into another room. Not good.

Making to find her, Tayce got all the way to the doorway before Ellie and Lawrence stopped her to chat about whether or not it would be stupid to play spin the bottle (it would) and whether or not they should all do some more shots (they did). Then I Wanna Dance With Somebody started playing, and by the first “Woo!”, she’d totally forgotten about her earlier mission, and ran back inside screaming and grabbing at Asttina to dance with her.

She had to give Lawrence some credit, because her playlist was incredible. Nothing but banger after banger after banger.

About half way through Good As Hell, Tayce became aware of what sounded like shouting, underwater and garbled and messy. Though she carried on grinding against Asttina and singing along to Lizzo’s affirmations, her head checked out a little as she tried to focus on the background voices over the blaring music. It proved to be quite the struggle, being as drunk as she was, but as it turned out, she didn’t need to pay too much attention, as she wasn’t the only one that had noticed.

By the time Tia was standing outraged in the living room doorway, all eyes were on her. She looked furious, cheeks red and eyes spilling over, her fists clenched and trembling.

Lawrence quietened the music.

“So, were you gonna tell me that you all think I look like shit or did you nominate A’Whora to be the nasty cunt she usually is?” She looked down at her dress, back up, and choked back a sob. “Fuck off, the lot of you.”

Immediately, half the room started to follow her with choruses of love, their words getting tangled in a web of you’re beautiful and she doesn’t speak for us and A’Whora’s just a bitch and I like it!

The living room felt significantly emptier with just Lawrence, Ellie and Tayce in it, the three of them frozen staring at the doorway like they couldn’t believe it had finally kicked off. After a few moments, The 1975 now playing at an awkwardly low volume, A’Whora passed the living room, peered inside with brimming eyes, and broke into a run.

Tayce followed her on instinct, leaving Lawrence and Ellie behind. Her heart sank as she rushed through the house; one part of her took in the group of girls gathered in the kitchen, their arms hooked over a crying Tia, their tongues slicing away at A’Whora’s character with every dirty look that they sent in the direction of the now wide-open front door.

As bad as she felt for Tia, no one was going after A’Whora. And maybe that made sense, but Tayce had never cared too much about making sense - not when it came to her.

Luckily, she didn’t have to go too far. A little way down Lawrence’s street, a familiar figure was sitting crumpled over on the curb, her face hidden in her hands, head leaning against the lamppost under which she was illuminated. Like an angel, Tayce thought. Like a sad, stupid angel.

“Whory. What did you do, babe? I wanna hear it from you.”

A’Whora looked up. Flecks of black mascara stained around her eyes, the shadows beginning to smudge into the eyeliner from her tears, and her lip trembled. She lowered her head, prompting Tayce to sit down on the curb next to her, legs stretched out into the empty road.

“I told her the dress was fucking ugly, because someone’s gotta do it. I was just trying to help but I know that was an asshole thing to say and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”

Tayce blinked. She hadn’t expected the remorseful part of A’Whora’s answer, if she was being honest. She usually never gave in, never admitted defeat, proudly shrugged off any offence caused while Tayce tried to interject some kindness into her. It never worked, which she’d always found frustrating, but now it was unsettling that it had.

“I mean, I’m right. She looks like the embodiment of the fucking kid’s section of a TK Maxx.”

Tayce kissed the side of her head, A’Whora responding by resting it on Tayce’s shoulder. “I thought she was the Year Nine girl in her mum’s choice of Pretty Little Thing dresses?” She teased gently. To her relief and simultaneous heartbreak, it received a short, wet laugh.

“I didn’t expect her to - to rip into me like that. Like she did.”

“What happened?”

“She stood up for herself. Which is good, right?” A’Whora sniffed. “She told me I’m a vapid self-absorbed little bitch, and that she can change her shitty fashion sense while I’ll be stuck with my fake face and dog shit personality for the rest of my life. And that at least our friends like her, ‘cause they barely tolerate me.”

Tayce squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her tighter. “You gotta understand she’s coming from a place of hurt, darling. I know you know this, but you have been pretty mean to her in the past.”

A’Whora nodded weakly, throwing up a peace sign. “Karma,” She sang, the humour in it betrayed by her wobbly voice. “I deserved it, but… I didn’t realise it would hurt this much. Especially because she’s right.”

“She’s not right,” Tayce cut in immediately, a little surprised by her own fierce defensiveness. “She was just angry and upset.”

A moment of silence fell as A’Whora lapsed into thought, her face still smushed into Tayce’s shoulder. She scuffed her shoes into the stones gathered at the edge of the curb, kicking them into the road and scraping her heels into the gritty dirt. As cold as the night was, Tayce could hardly feel it with A’Whora so close.

She laughed bitterly. “Tay, look at us. Do you see any of our other friends out here? No, they’re all telling Tia how much they love her. Because they do. And I’m the nasty fucking bully that won’t go away so they just put up with me until I give them a reason to talk shit.”

“That’s not true, Whory. Sure, we gotta work on controlling that lip of yours, but the girls still love you.” Tayce paused, and then peppered a few more kisses to the top of her head. “You may be a bitch, but you’re my bitch.”

“Kinky,” A’Whora giggled, softening into her side. “You still like me?”

“I always like you.” Tayce whispered.

Above them, the orange street lamp flickered and turned off, casting them into darkness. A crescent moon shone just above them, partially covered by clouds, and the night was quiet. Tayce leaned back, pulling A’Whora with her, until both girls were laying down, half on the pavement and half into the road, their arms around one another and heads facing the sky. A lifetime or even a minute could’ve passed as they just watched the stars, endlessly fascinated by the tiny pinpricks of light, but when Tayce turned her head, it struck her that A’Whora’s eyes sparkled better than any night sky she’d ever seen.

“I should apologise to Tia.” A’Whora murmured.

“Tomorrow.” Their voices were barely above a whisper, something unspoken and sacred about maintaining the tranquility of the silent night. “Give her time to cool off.”

“And you promise you still like me?”

Her eyes were wide, hopeful. Their faces were so close it was no effort at all. It never was.

Not with her.

The night - er, morning - was a disaster, but A’Whora’s lips tasted like cherry gloss and her touch was soft and gentle, and maybe things didn’t always end badly. Maybe it would be okay as long as Tayce had A’Whora and A’Whora had Tayce.

Maybe Lawrence fucking Chaney was right.

#rpdr fanfiction #purecamp #taywhora #tayce #a'whora #tia kofi #lawrence chaney #submission #rpdr uk #uk2

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sassydefendorflower · 4 years ago

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10. “Does Beyonce even do funerals” with Tim and Duke please!!

This is very unedited - but I sure hope you are going to enjoy it!!!

Warning: Morbid Humor

++++

It was a normal Saturday morning, with Tim and Duke being the only two members of their family that had dared to leave their rooms yet. The smell of bacon and homemade pancakes danced through the air, and nursing his second cup of coffe, Tim almost felt alive. Almost.

Duke, opposite him, was dressed in yellow PJs. Sleepiness was decorating his face, and Tim was still too tired to tell Duke that he had tried drool in the corner of his mouth. All of them had seen each other in way more embarrassing situations. Duke could deal with a little bit of drool - at least until Tim had eaten a pancake and drank his next cup of coffee.

Alfred was bustling away in the kitchen, even the butler - grandfather - silent at this time of the day. It could be hours before anyone else breached their little bubble of quiet. Bruce always slept in late on Saturdays, not leaving the bed before AM turned into PM and right now Tim really, really envied him for that. Jason had his own apartment, and so had Dick, the both of them not staying over at the Manor a lot these days. Damian would.... Tim stopped.

Where was the Brat?

Damian was usually awake at the same time him and Duke braced the daylight, but - after a curious glance around the room - there was no disgruntled thirteen year old in sight.

Tim turned back towards Duke, ready to ask his brother just what he thought the Brat might be planning, when Duke looked at him and said:

“Do you think Bruce is rich enough to get Beyoncé to play at a funeral?”

“What?”

“I just... I was just thinking, that dying seems to be kind of the norm around here? And then I thought, maybe I should start planning my funeral in advance to take some of the stress of Bruce’s shoulders... and then... Beyoncé, you know.”

Tim... okay, this was by far not the weirdest breakfast conversation Tim had ever lived through, but it was 8am and he hadn’t had his third coffee yet. You would have to excuse him, if he was being a bit slow:

“No, I most certainly don’t know...”

“I mean, she is amazing! And my funeral would be the absolute banger with Beyoncé singing as they lower my body into the grave... Just... imagine: Everyone is super sad, the lighting is perfect, Bruce makes his somber face, and then fucking Beyoncé just steps out from behind a curtain and begins singing about how great I was.”

“I have so many questions, but mostly...” Tim pulled his IPad from under the table, where he had hidden it from Alfred’s scrutinizing glare. It didn’t take long to open up a Webbrowser and type in his question:

“Does Beyoncé even do funerals?”

“I sure hope she does...”

Duke came on Tim’s side of the table, and together they scrolled through Buzzfeed article, Twitter Account, and Clickbait headline, but no information presented itself to them.

Damn it.

Now Tim was interested. If Duke wanted Beyoncé at his funeral, who could Tim pay to play at his? Maybe Bruce’s money would be enough to reunite My Chemical Romance... Welcome To The Black Parade would be a great song to be buried to.

Alfred stepped into the room just as Tim was about to throw his tablet against the wall in frustration. The butler looked as put together as always, and Tim couldn’t help himself, he asked:

“Hey, Alf... Do you think Beyoncé does funerals?”

The older man stopped in his tracks and neither Tim nor Duke could hide their flinch. Damn, that had been an insensitive question. But before either of them could scramble for an apology, Alfred looked at them, something thoughtful in his gaze:

“I am sure something can be arranged. Master Bruce should still have her cell phone number after they went to the MET together...”

For a moment there was only stunned silence, and then Duke jumped up, fists pumping in the air:

“Hell yeah! Beyoncé is gonna play at my funeral!”

Batman18+ Server Quotes as Writing Promptes

#Tim Drake #Duke Thomas #Batfamily #Batman #Red Robin #The Signal #Morbid Humor #dottie-wan-kenobi #humor #family shenanigans #ask game #prompt #i hope you enjoy it #<3 #asks ask and answer ask me

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seijch · 4 years ago

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ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER

omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):

the reason(s) i was gone for so long

what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)

the status of those um . halloween requests

the future of this account

i. so . Hiatus .

i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.

a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)

tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr

ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall

when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)

at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼

media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa

tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now

iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right

i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:

there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍‍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...

i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍‍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.

regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).

tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.

iv. so what now?

well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list

and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)

as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.

ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍‍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......

and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.

tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)

the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:

im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.

there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.

regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝

love, ari 💌

#did i have an announcement tag #announcement #also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted #my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well #some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is #its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍‍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd #im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence #consider this my comeback stage

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inkforhumanhands · 4 years ago

Note

1, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 11 (BABYYY), 12 (Matttttt), 16, 18, 22?

1. give short descriptions of all your current WIPs.

gonna go super vague/silly on this since i’ve already answered this question a bunch:

foggy confesses his love to matt and matt makes like dean winchester

foggy “i am only one night stand material” nelson

we are just actors acting out a kiss and that’s it no homo (mattfoggy)

matt doesn’t know how to tell foggy he doesn’t need a wingman he needs him

haven’t you heard the rumors, foggy? matt is dating daredevil

matt is a lying liar who lies and foggy tries to be a detective

matt backflips out a window after telling foggy he’s going to off himself

drunken back of taxi kisses (mattfoggy)

exchange fic (depression??? haven’t figured this one out yet)

collab fic w/ happybeans: matt reluctantly takes on a bodyguard gig and foggy doesn’t know what’s up but he’s going to join forces with jessica jones to find out

3. what makes you love writing?

hmm i mostly like having written so i guess the moment when i write a sentence and then i step back and i’m like “okay yeah that’s a banger”

oh also i guess i like exploring feelings through words.

4. what does it take for you to be proud of something you’ve written?

hell to freeze over ahahaha /jk if we’re talking long-term pride that’s a tough one...i guess both the writing has to be “good” and the premise has to be something i actually care about personally (so like probably not from a prompt)

5. what do you think is the most important part of writing?

finding your own voice

8. which of your own projects have shaped your writing the most? in what way?

Probably The Man Who Would Not Be King because it was the first time I really attempted a long, multi-chaptered fic. It helped me kind of start to develop my own writing style, and in particular I started to do a thing where I gave each chapter a motif and interwove that into the writing and the feelings of the characters. Before that I’d always been disappointed with the way I wasn’t great at describing settings or physical things, but I realized you don’t really have to, depending on what’s important in the story.

9. what are you best and worst at when writing?

best at finding ways to describe moods and inner dialogue that’s not “dialogue-y”. worst at natural-sounding dialogue. like if i have one line that i think a character would say whatever their speaking partner comes back with usually makes me cringe when i read it back. somebody do all the dialogue for me lmao

10. which patterns keep popping up in your projects/characters?

eyyyy, self-loathing. also crack?? i didn’t know i was such a crack person until this year tbh

11. give three songs or images that fit [You Would Never Call Me Baby].

Okay well the obvious one is the song that inspired it, Hood by Perfume Genius, particularly the following lines:

You would never call me baby If you knew me truly

Underneath this hood you kiss I tick like a bomb

why not another Perfume Genius one? This is from Sides, I like to think of it as from Foggy’s perspective

Look Sometimes you forget To just let me in a bit Baby, just - Where do you go sometimes - Idle and empty-eyed?

and that’s all i got for right now lol sorry

12. give three songs or images that fit [Matt Murdock].

Asleep in the Chapel by Thursday:

Three chalk outlines sleep in the dirty street And in our beds Under the sheets They're the halo of guilt hanging around your neck Next to the rosary You count, falling asleep

andddd i am drawing a blank on anything else atm

16. to what extent do you research for your writing?

not very much tbh i’m pretty lazy. if it’s something that’s pretty important to know though i will make some effort to look it up, like for Flip the Script i looked up the symptoms of chloroform poisoning and discovered it’s actually much worse for you (and works a lot slower) than on TV. (and then i chose to ignore the speed issue XD)

18. how do what you look for in your own writing vs someone else’s coincide? how does your writing influence your reading?

I feel like I tend to focus a lot more on the words/writing itself when I’m thinking about my own writing but when I’m reading someone else’s my primary concern is whether I can get immersed in it or not. So like writing quality is still an issue if it’s going to pull me out of the story but it’s also less important than how I would grade my own work. Sometimes I read things with an eye to “hmm if I was writing this I would have expanded on that” etc. but I usually just read fic to read. I think I’m more critical of published fiction.

22. how much of your own self/experiences do you believe pours into your projects? if this differs per project, which projects have the most and least of you?

I project really hard onto one Matt Murdock so if the fic is angsty there’s going to be part of me in it, whether personality-wise or drawing on experience-wise. I will say there is A Lot of me in You Would Never Call Me Baby (WIP). As far as crack things I don’t think there’s much of me in them at all other than my horrible sense of humor.

#suicide mention #ask games #happybeans #asks #writing

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jq37 · 5 years ago

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The Report Card -- Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 1

Sophomores and Spring Break

Note: Hey guys! I decided to try something a little bit different and slightly more structured than my usual recaps for FH: Sophomore Year. I’m hoping this will be a little easier for me and a more useful tool for keeping up to date since there will be a lot more eps to keep track of and they’ll be easier to miss. Lemme know what you think and if you want raw, unfiltered opinions on anything specific, feel free to send me an ask. I’m always down to go off about literally whatever.

We’re back, baby! It is Sophomore Year at Aguefort and the gang is on Spring Break. A lot is going down so lemme break it down. The Bad Kids, having defeated Kalvaxus last year, are all entitled to a share of his hoard and all the red tape is finally cleared so they all get 20k gold each (which is an insane amount of money converted to USD if you use the WOTC conversion rate of a gold coin being around $145 (circa 2006 when they answered the question)--which would be close to $330 with inflation). Jawbone and Sandra-Lynn are moving in after less than a year into a profoundly haunted house and it’s kind of a Full House situation because Adaine, Fig, Kristen, and Tracker all officially live there (plus it seems that Zayn has also anchored himself to Adaine’s tower--btw, Adaine took the tower that the haunted house obviously has) and you know all the other Bad Kids are gonna be there on the regular.

More importantly, Aguefort gives the gang their big project for the year--finding the crown of the Nightmare King which was stolen at the end of last season--which is worth 60% of their grade (Adaine does a full Hermione at this information). Each of the gang has info about the NK but the trail has mostly gone cold. Luckily, Fabian just got a hot tip about where Falinel is keeping Aelwyn and she seems like a pretty good lead to start with since she was super tied up in the bad side of all the messiness of last year. Adaine is displeased to say the least.

Going off to find the crown is super exciting story-wise for two reasons. First of all, it means the gang gets to hire, well, hirelings to help them and temporarily join the party! They ping basically every cool NPC they can think of (except for Tracker for some reason which is BONKERS because (1) she probably would have done it for free and cutting her in would still be keeping the money in the family, (2) she’s dope as hell, (3) she’s a cleric and the party can always use more healers, (4) she’s a werewolf so presumably she has skills that would help in the woods, and (5) they’re t r a c k i n g down a crown and the girl’s name is literally T R A C K E R, but I will not backseat D&D) and eventually end up with Ragh (who has been without an adventuring party all year, poor guy), Sandra-Lynn (swayed by a nat 20 rolled by Fig), Cathilda (!?) ,and, for some reason, Gilear (which Fabian is happy about, mainly for the opportunity to maybe bump him off on the way). Second of all, if you recall, Elmville is a pretty modern town but the rest of the continent is less fantasy high, more high fantasy. Horses and lanterns and all that pseudo-medieval goodness. They are gonna stick out like a sore thumb. I am very here for it.

Everyone goes home to rest up but, after some ominous dreams, only four of them wake up. Riz and Fig are left asleep and then Brennan mic drops and ends the episode which is a power move and I am extremely upset about it but also, respect. Right for the jugular immediately. I heard Murph and Emily are on tour in the UK next week which probably has something to do with this but, in the moment, I did not know that and I really felt the hammer drop in my heart. It was wild. Cannot wait to see where we go from here. Plus, who doesn’t love watching characters freak out because their friends are in danger?

Random Thoughts

I have no idea what the title of this episode is or if it’ll even have one and not a number but I gave it a placeholder one for now. I also don’t have access to the stream yet so I didn’t get to include some info I wanted to (like a record of nat 20s, and nat 1s so I can track their stats for the school year) and I probably missed some stuff because my brain can only hold so much info guys. I’m not Brennan.

I mentioned this yesterday during the stream, but there will never be anything better than the pure D&D joy of everyone, in character, talking over each other to clown on each other. They get the friend-group banter that’s a hair breadth’s away from bullying so true to life and it’s so fun to watch. On the flip side, the opening scene with everyone introducing themselves and affirmatively claiming each other as their best friends was also peak D&D. Found family= best trope.

Fig and Adaine burn spell-slots at basically the same time to try and beat each other to the best room in the (Scooby-Doo ass) house--which is exactly the kind of thing that would happen in this world. It’s such an intuitive setting. I love it so much. (BTW, Fig ends up staying in the false space under the revolving grand piano because, of course).

Fabian and Gorgug went to recruit Ragh, who assumed they were propositioning him for a three-way. In his defense, they did do it in a super proposition-y way and they were in the middle of the LGBTQ student union.

Also, Gorgug gives Ragh an inspiring speech about thinking you’re your own dad which makes him burst into tears.

Speaking of, Jawbone offhandedly says he’s poly but, like, based on some of the stuff he’s said, I feel like that’s not really a reveal. He also gets along well with Gorthalax and would be down w/ a three-way if Sandra-Lynn wanted to which, again, totally checks out.

Arthur Aguefort uses Chronomancy to rewind time and catch a snide comment Adaine made under her breath, which is exactly the kind of frivolous use of God-like power I’d expect from him.

I really love Adaine’s energy coming into this season. She’s in therapy. She’s in a good home environment. She’s comfortable enough with her friend group to do stuff like prank Fig (love that they’re gonna be living together now). And she’s good friends with Zayn now which I want to see more of based on their one interaction in this ep which was very cute. I am already on record as saying I would be down with her getting a ghost boyfriend--I mean, for the aesthetic alone--but I’d be happy with just more friendship.

Fabian is also hilarious this season because you can tell he’s gone a bit soft from having friends and leaning into that (the friendship necklace with Riz) but also he’s fully aware that it’s happening so he’s, like, ping-ponging back and forth like, “These are my friends,” and, “What am I saying? I used to be cool,” and it’s very funny. Very happy the Aelwyn storyline is happening right out of the gate, both because I think Aelwyn is a very interesting character with a lot of potential for nuance but also because Fabian reacting to her and Adaine reacting to Fabian reacting to her is always gold.

Prompted by an offhand conversation from Fig about rock and roll, Brennan--earning another feather for his Cap of God Tier DMing--goes on an impromptu five minute long improved diatribe about a bard who played such a good concert that it instantly impregnated everyone in attendance (dudes too) who gave birth to kids with sick rocker hair and denim jackets and ascended to Rock Heaven on their 18th Birthday. You truly have to watch it to believe it. At a certain point I thought he was gonna drop it but that was the moment he doubled down and kept going. Amazing.

Watching Murph, in real time, make up a girl/boy/whateverfriend in Fantasy Canada was a gift.

I don’t have access to the stream yet but best quote of the night that I can remember is Kristen choosing her room: This is triggering and I’ll take it. (Her line about her lesbian starter kit and the one about wanting a horse were also bangers).

The group talks about what they’re going to do for transportation outside of Elmsville since they don’t really use cars out there and they somehow get from “disguise Fig’s tour bus” to “commission Aguefort to create a brand new animal that can hold six people plus hirelings, one of which is Fabian who is also riding his motorbike”.

I love that Sandra-Lynn’s Mom Powers work on Tracker.

Basrar doesn’t accept the invitation to come with on the quest, but he does give Kristen a bag of infinite ice cream sandwiches, which is basically just as good, IMO.

Oh Gilear. The man is sleeping in the Seacaster garage, being bullied by skater kids, and now he’s stuck on this quest with his ex and Fabian who actively wants him dead.

Speaking of, I’m psyched to see more of Sandra-Lynn. She was kind of a sleeper badass at the end of last season.

Ragh is keeping secrets which I hope the cast doesn’t forget because it could be nothing serious (like the high school drama happening with Skrank and the 7 maidens--maybe he’s just crushing on Gorgug who did full kiss him during Promocalypse) or it could be Serious Business that will blow up if the don’t stay on top of it. We’ll see.

Oh, almost forgot. Adaine wants an emotional support frog. Every time I think I can’t love her more.

Detention

Fig for Not Respecting Personal Boundaries

Fig goes full Emily right out the gate and, after finding out that Skrank (nerdy bird dude who apparently can get it) was not only dating Ostentasia (rich, popular dwarf) but also dumped her in pursuit of Danielle Barkstock (one of Ostentasia’s party members, the scandal), disguises herself as him with Danielle to figure out what’s going on. And, wouldn't you know it, when she gives herself away, Danielle immediately is shocked and appalled, as you would be, obviously. We also learn that she’s still catfishing Dr. Asha which is, how you say, for sure a crime. Fig, please, I’m begging you. Cease.

Honor Roll

Fig, Riz, and Adaine for Researching the Nightmare King

Fig made both lists, look at that. Wasn’t my plan for this to be a three-way tie (also didn’t expect to use the word “three-way” this many times in this writeup) but I think their contributions were pretty much equally valuable. Rainsolo on the Discord wrote up this summary of the lore dump Brennan gave them.

#fantasy high #fantasy high spoilers #dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #the report card #report card

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bazzybelle · 5 years ago

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Carry On Countdown - Day Seven

Notes: Right... confession time.. So, I posted this fic yesterday... But, I’ve been having a really difficult mental health week (lots of self-doubt, self-isolation, and weeping) and it all came to a head last night when I spiraled and deleted this story (my depression/anxiety/Imposter Syndrome demon caught up to me, I guess). I was also close to deleting all my other fics and potentially closing my account, but @fight-surrender and my amazing husband talked me down from the ledge so to speak. It was actually their support, along with the amazing kindness of @giishu that convinced me to repost my story... so here it is.

Lyrics are inspired by “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles. However, I was inspired by the version from “Across The Universe”, sung by T.V. Carpio (Such a great movie and soundtrack).

Thank you to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for their writing support and amazing beta-reads.

Also, this is the last story until the Angst prompt... I’m also gonna take it easy with my writing. Going back into it after 8 years of numbness and denying my passion hasn’t been easy and it’s beginning to take its toll on me. I have so many ideas, but I want to feel well enough in my head to be able to write them properly (in case you haven’t noticed, I like writing about healing and hopeful futures... kinda hard to do that if you’re spiraling). I’ve got a few more stories already prepared for the Countdown, but I’m not making any promises on writing for other prompts.

TW: Extremely minimal (like blink and you’ll miss it) reference to drugs.

Day 7 Prompt: WLW

Title: I Wanna Hold Your Hand

________________________________________________________________

Please, say to me, you’ll let me hold your hand. Now, let me hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand.

FIONA

The music here is bloody terrible.

So’s the alcohol. But what else can I expect from a dingy little pub in this dodgy area of the city? Besides, it isn’t the alcohol I’m here for, which is a shock, considering how much of it I drink.

Nor am I here for this horrid music. I look at the stage and a skinny little whelp is crooning a pathetic rendition of a Pink Floyd song. Kid can’t be older than 18, of course he’s singing a Floyd song. I swear, you listen to Dark Side of The Moon one time, and suddenly you think you know everything there is to know about music.

Good Lord… he’s doing a Floyd medley. News flash, boyo, you cannot transition from Wish You Were Here to Another Brick in The Wall without raising a few eyebrows.

He isn’t a bad looking bloke though. Shaggy brown hair, styled so it’s away from his eyes. He’s got a bit of a long, oval-shaped face, a little gaunt, but not too much. He reminds me of someone… Ah… George Harrison! He’s got a bit of a George Harrison vibe, I reckon. A part of me wants to snap a photo of him and ask Baz if he’d fancy him, but the last time I did that, he chewed my ear off for a week.

Dramatic little shit. I’m only trying to help. He’s so edgy all the time. Baz is about to head into his final year at Watford and honestly, he needs to let loose and have a little fun, before the pressures of being a Pitch crushes him…

Maybe I’m being the dramatic shit...

I leave George Harrison to his crooning (Christ, he’s moved onto Money. Does he only know the popular Floyd songs? Tosser), and direct myself to the bar. The person I’m here to see greets me with a wide, toothy smile.

“Well well, look who it is. How are you, love?” bellows Shannon Ryan (Shan for short). Shan is the annoyingly vivacious proprietor of the Golden Griffin Pub and Inn. She is all hair (bright, thick, ginger-red, with a generous amount of blond and strawberry-blond highlights, that falls in tight ringlets down her back) and little to no filter. She’s the kind of person that can decide in an instant if she’ll offer you a free pint, or if she’ll drag your sorry arse onto the curb. Most of the time, she’ll offer you the pint and a wink of her dark brown eyes.

I give her a half smile and take a seat in front of her. Shan pours me a glass of Chivas (Bless her, she knows I love the stuff) and leans her elbows on the counter. I salute her and nod at George Harrison.

“Heads up Shan, if your lad starts playing Comfortably Numb, I may have to murder him with his own guitar.”

Shan playfully punches my shoulder. Normally, I’d retaliate with a knife to the throat, but I’m not nearly so… angry when Shan’s around. I can relax around her and allow myself to be a little playful.

“Aw, come on now Prue, Mickey’s not that bad. A little rough around the edg-” She starts to laugh, because George Harrison’s begun to sing Comfortably Numb and I begin to crack my knuckles. Shan grabs my hands and gives them a pat. “Alright, very rough around the edges, but he’s a sweet kid.”

I met Shannon about 4 months ago. It was during one of my lower points. I had been on a wild bender, drinking, smoking up, everything. At some point, I lost all recollection of where I was and what was happening. I still don’t know how long I’d been out of my mind at that point, but I somehow ended up at Shan’s pub, trashed out and rambling nonsense. Shan took one look at me and she decided that she would give me a room and a bed, instead of throwing me out (a horrible decision, really). I woke up in an unknown room, in an unknown bed with her knocking on the door.

I nearly killed her.

Shan managed to calm me down and gave me some breakfast. Fat greasy bangers, perfectly poached eggs, fried tomatoes and back bacon. She had informed me that I had been out for quite a while. I remember feeling like a numpty had taken a beating to my head. She had offered to let me stay there so that I could recover from whatever was causing me distress. Instead of taking the hint and staying there, I gathered my belongings while she was gone and slipped out. That would have been the end of it, but I had returned a few days later to pay for my room and board. Shan refused to take my money, and instead asked that I pay her back by coming to see her from time to time. Originally, I was only supposed to come see her until the end of the month… But here we are, four months later and I still find myself wanting to come see her.

Shan doesn’t know my real name (She knows me by my middle name, Prudence… I swear my family gets its kicks from naming their offspring ridiculous names), nor that I am a magician from a long line of magical aristocracy. She does not know that I am embroiled in the middle of a war that threatens to rip my world and my family apart. Maybe that sense of escapism is why I keep coming back here, why I keep flirting with this Normal pub owner.

I turn back to her now. She is cleaning some of the dirty glasses that have been left on the bar counter. It’s a quiet evening tonight, not many patrons at the pub. Shan’s pub can gain a small gathering during the weekends, mostly young folks out on a crawl. Some tend to stay here on account of the atmosphere, and Shan’s personality. Tonight’s one of the quieter nights. I blame George Harrison mucking it up on the microphone.

“Where do you find these characters, Shan?”

“Beats me. They sometimes just show up needing a spot. Mick’s been tossed out from his home, poor child. I give him a room, he works the bar. It all works out.”

Shan sometimes uses her rooms to shelter people who may need a place to stay. I wasn’t a special case for her. Any misfit or vagabond has a place to stay at Shan’s. I suppose that explains George Harrison, who has just finished his set and has exited the stage, thank Merlin for that. She’s now turned on her online music playlist, an eclectic mix of punk, classic rock, and current indie songs. It makes no bloody sense, but the patrons aren’t mad about it.

“You’re too generous Shan.” She rolls her eyes and proceeds to serve some other patrons who have been waiting for her. Once George Harrison arrives behind the counter, she sends him off to prepare orders while she turns back to me.

“And you, my dear friend, are far too cold. What brings you here tonight? Chasing one of your hoodlums, again?”

With the war brewing between the Old Families and the Mage, I have been tracking down members of the magical community who have been shunned and cast away by the Mage and his reforms. The Old Families believed that we could find some support amongst the masses who’ve been mistreated by Davy and his band of Merry Men. If I’m in the area, I’ll stop by the pub for a quick drink and a chat.

Like I said, it’s been happening more often than not.

Today is different. I am not here because I’m in the area. I felt the need to be here. Maybe it’s the bitter heat of August in London; Or maybe it’s the fact that it’s August 13th, the thirteenth anniversary (plus a day) of my sister’s death that brings me here. Normally, I’d be home, drinking myself into a stupor until enough time has passed where I don’t feel the grief anymore. I never allow myself to drink on the actual day of her death, because I’m too busy spending the day with Basil and Malcolm (Basil mostly), making sure that they’ve kept their heads in one place. I look out for my nephew first and once the day has passed, I go home and begin my process of drinking and mourning.

For some reason, I didn’t want to be home alone today. I don’t know what came over me, but I felt I needed to be here, at Shan’s pub. But I’ll never tell her that. So instead I put on my classic Pitch smooth face and smile slyly at her.

“Who says I need a reason to be here? Maybe I just decided to come over.” Shan rolls her eyes at me. She faces me and leans over the counter, inches from my face. I have to look away, in case she notices the small blush creeping over my cheeks. I take another sip of my Chivas before looking at her once more. I tilt my head at her and smile. She places her hand on mine and pushes it down, until the glass is back on the counter.

“You’ve always got a reason, Prue. You don’t allow yourself to do anything simply because you want to.” Now, I roll my eyes at her. I down the remainder of my Chivas and slam the glass back down on the counter. I cross my arms over my chest and pull myself back from the counter.

“Oh? And what exactly do I want?”

Shan also steps back from the counter. She’s got her hands on her hips and shrugs at me. She takes the bottle of Chivas and pours me another glass.

“I am not nearly qualified enough to untangle the mess in your mind, Prue. I can only offer a listening ear and a reasonable amount of alcohol.” She leans back against the wall. I stare at her for a minute and take in how she looks in the pub’s dim light. Shan’s got incredibly light skin, but it isn’t entirely pale and the dim lighting in here is showcasing her pretty features. She’s wearing a black tank top under a dark purple vest that cuts just at her waist. She’s got on dark jeans and a light gold studded belt. Shan pulls her hair back into a very high, very messy bun at the top of her head. A few strands still hang loose and frame her face. I draw a shaky breath and take a sip of my scotch. I speak softly, more to the glass than to her.

“My sister died. Yesterday has been 13 years since she died.” Shan relaxes her posture and approaches me again. I don’t shift my position at all. If she thinks she can get me to open up more than that, she’s wrong. I won’t come undone by a pretty girl with bright red hair.

“You don’t want to be alone then?” Shan reaches for my hand. I don’t let her take it. I’m still focusing on my drink and the patterns of the wood grains on the counter.

“I am perfectly fine to be alone Shan! I’ve been alone for many years, what’s another one?” I straighten my back even further, attempting to close off my walls. They had been slowly coming down as I spend more time with Shan, but thinking about yesterday, about Tasha, about the losses in my life, have caused me to build them back up with a more reinforced metal.

Now, I’m here again, in front of Shannon, and the metal around my heart is starting to melt again. What power does this Normal have over me that she can make me feel this way? Shan exits from her side of the bar and she comes to sit down next to me. I want to turn away from her, but I can’t find it in me to do so. I’m running my fingers along the rim of the glass when I feel her tough, guitar-calloused hand lay on top of mine. I refuse to look her in the eyes. She gently places my hand on the counter and turns it over. I finally look at her as she clasps her hand in mine.

“What if you didn’t have to be alone?” Her deep brown eyes are staring right into my grey ones. I can feel my heartbeat beginning to pick up. My breathing becomes a little erratic. I have not felt this in such a long time. Not since my final year at Watford. Not since I had my heartbroken into pieces and decided to shut it down forever. I start to pull my hand away, but Shan holds it tight. I frown at her and glare at her a little bit.

“People like me are meant to be alone.” I try to make my voice sound icy and intimidating. But, Merlin help me, it sounds breathless, like I’m chocking it out. I take a sharp inhale of breath through my nose. Shan, the fool that she is, reaches over and grabs my other hand, she gently turns my body towards her and leans a little closer to me. She speaks in a soft and calm voice. I almost miss what she says because of the music in the background.

“You don’t have to be alone.”

She leans in closer to me. I feel a small flutter in the pit of my stomach. I want to lean into her as well, but something stops me. I can’t. I can’t. Not again. Never again. I pull away from her and jump out of my seat. I ignore the confused and saddened look on Shan’s face and I fumble in my bag for my wallet.

“I have to go.”

Shan grabs my arm and tries to look at me again. I will not give her the satisfaction of seeing me coming undone. I will not let another person into my heart only for them to destroy it again. I can’t handle more pain and misery.

“Wait… Prue I-” She’s going to beg me to stay, I don’t give her a chance to finish.

“Thank you, Shannon. I’ll see you soon.” I pull out some notes and slam them onto the counter. I yank my arm away from Shan’s grasp and stalk out of the pub, leaving her sorrowful brown eyes behind me.

I am meant to be alone. I don’t need anyone, especially not some nobody Normal. Even if the same nobody Normal is currently holding a key to my heart. I go home, fully intent on drinking my conflicting feelings away.

________

Six weeks.

Basil’s been missing for six weeks and I haven’t had any luck in finding him.

I have tried every bloody spell I could think of. I have poured over every single one of Natasha’s old books in that blasted library. I have even tried to contact some of the undesirables in my midst to see if any of them knew anything. None of them could tell me any information. Even though I threatened and screamed and even cast spells to force them to give me any information, none of them had any information to give me.

I was losing my mind. I wanted nothing more to march into Watford myself and threaten the bloody Mage himself, or even that stupid snivelling little magling, Simon Snow. The only thing preventing me from torching the damn school was the fact that The Mage knew exactly where Baz was and he could decide to retaliate by hurting or even killing him. He was not above murder, the bastard.

The latest call we got from the numpties had demanded wands from us. They must have been bloody joking. Malcolm, the fool, was already looking for spare wands. I called him a spineless idiot, and if he couldn’t see that this wasn’t about a simple ransom, well then he really was more feebleminded than I thought. I told him that my sister scraped the bottom of the barrel when she married a Grimm and stomped out of the manor.

The bloody numpties were holding him near some water, so I drew up a map of potential spots where he could be hidden. I was not going to rest until I searched each and every one, no matter how long that took.

I now find myself walking down a familiar dodgy street, towards a familiar pub. I have not been back since Shan grabbed my hand and I almost allowed her a piece of me. I decided that I would not go back there and risk anything more happening between Shan and myself. To go back would mean I would have to talk about what almost happened, and to do that would mean I would have to either lie to her or give into my feelings, neither option really appealing to me. Still, I need to start a fight. I need to yell at something and punch something. And the thought of Shannon throwing me out of her pub and her life because I caused a fight with her patrons is exactly what I need to revitalize myself on this search mission.

I storm into the establishment and see a few confused clientele staring at me. I should pick out which unfortunate character will be my target, but my eyes wander to the bar. I want Shan to be watching.

She isn’t there. But her pathetic little ward is. I march to the bar and before the weasel says anything, I grab his shirt sleeve and pull him over the bar counter. I roughly toss him to the floor. The boy yelps in surprise and lifts his hands up to protect his face. I am not done yet. I am about to lift him up, when someone grabs my arm. I spin around and I’m about to deck them, when I see her deep brown eyes.

“PRUE! That’s enough!” Shan looks absolutely murderous with rage. I have never seen that look on her face before. I give her a cold hard stare and sneer at her.

“Get. Your. Bloody. Hands. OFF. ME!” Shan returns my stare with a scowl of her own. She keeps her hand secured on my jacket and begins to drag me outside.

“We’re going outside, NOW!”

Well that was fast. I didn’t even get to have any fun.

Shan shoves me outside and practically tosses me onto the floor. I am astounded by the strength she has, considering just how skinny she is. But she does this for a living. She’s had to toss out larger folks than myself. I dust off my jacket and straighten out my jeans before turning to Shan, who is still wearing a livid look on her face. Her hair, although braided, has a frizzy halo that surrounds it. I already regret coming here.

“I like you, Prue. But I will not have you starting fights in my pub! Either you tell me what’s gotten into you, or you can kindly fuck off!” She points an accusing finger at me and then out towards the street. I should be honest with her, but I have a knack for self-destruction, so I push my luck.

“Oh fuck off Shan!” She steps back, shocked at first by my demeanor. But she then shakes her head and scoffs. She steps up to me and responds with a coldness of her own.

“If you insist! But this whole tough bitch attitude is getting bloody exhausting! Call me once you’ve calmed yourself” she says as she begins to walk away. I want to let her go back. I want to watch her leave and never see her again. But my damn head won’t let her leave. I call out before I have a chance to stop myself.

“My nephew’s missing...” Shan stops in her tracks. She turns to me, her furious face already changed to one of deep concern. “He’s been missing for nearly 6 weeks and I’m going out of my bloody mind!”

She approaches me cautiously. I know she is still very angry with me and my actions. She asks me smoothly, “Have they demanded a ransom?” Shan knows well enough to not ask about law enforcement. With the type of charges she takes in, the reality is that law enforcement will typically make matters worse.

I roll my eyes and answer her. “We don’t pay ransoms in my family!”

Shan stares incredulously at me, “Are you daft? I don’t know what kind of business you’re running Prudence, but I think the life of your nephew is worth a ransom payment, yeah?”

“This isn’t about a ransom, Shannon! It’s something more! Oh forget it! I’m wasting time, I could be using to search under bridges or in sewers!” This was a mistake. I never should have come here. I turn my back to Shan and start to walk away.

“Under bridges?” She asks me. I stop and turn back to her.

“The kidnappers sounded like they were near running water when they called. Which, considering this bloody city, could be fucking anywhere!”

“Christ…” Shan starts to shake her head. She put her hand to her face, as if she was starting to ponder something. It is enough for me to march right back up to her.

“What is it!?”

“I thought he was being batty…” Shan delivers that line in such a thoughtful way that I almost want to be gentle with her.

Almost. But Basil is missing and this is the first tiny morsel of a clue that I have had for six weeks. So I grab Shan’s shoulders and press her further.

“Who was?! What do you know Shan!?” She frowns at me and shrugs me off.

“Nothing, Prue! I volunteer at one of the homeless shelters in the city and one of our regulars was going on about how one of his favourite sleeping spots near the river was overrun with boulders. It looked like someone was trying to hide something there. The man’s a little mad. He claimed that some of the boulders were moving.”

Moving boulders?! Bloody fucking hell! That’s it! That’s fucking it! Six weeks, I’ve been going mad trying to find Basil, and all this time, the one place I should have been looking was amongst the vagabonds and the homeless. Christ, go figure I’d find my most important clue with Shannon fucking Ryan.

“Where is he now!!?” I demand of her. Maybe a little too harshly. I really couldn't care less if I hurt Shan’s feelings anymore. I need to find this drifter as soon as I can.

“Prue! You can’t be-” Shan tries to calm me down, but I am not having it. I am so close to bringing my nephew home, I am not stopping now. I get up to her face and nearly shout at her.

“You tell me where he is now, Shannon, or I swear to Christ…” Shan shakes her head at me, but she caves in and sighs at me.

“You are a lunatic, Prudence. But he’s most likely at Whitechapel. He’s been spending most of his time th- Prue!” I’m already walking away. I have all the information I need.

“I’ll see you later, Shan.” I say to her. Maybe if I survive this, I’ll come back and apologize for being a proper psychopath towards her. Maybe she’ll forgive me. For now, I have more important matters to attend to.

“Prue! Come back! You can’t do this alone!”

That’s where you’re wrong Shannon. I’ve had to do everything on my own. It’s what I’m best at. I can still hear her shouting into the night, even though I am far from the pub at this point.

“PRUDENCE!”

________

I am once more, back at the Golden Griffin. The pub has just closed for the night, but I know that Shan is still inside. She usually stays behind a few hours after closing time in order to clean up the place. I stand right in front of the door, taking a few moments to decide if I want to knock on her door, or if I should leave. I lift my fist to the window on the door. I’m about to knock when Shan’s head pops up from the side of the door. She looks surprised to see me at first, then… is that relief? She whips the door opened and pulls me inside.

“Prudence…” she whispers to me. She holds my hand in hers. Merlin, what is she doing to me? I let go of her hand and stuff my hands into my jacket pockets. I clear my throat and start to talk.

“He was alive. I found him in time.”

“Your nephew. I’m so relieved to hear that.” She’s got her hand over her heart and she sighs in relief. Has she truly been worried this whole time?

I feel guilty for not coming back sooner. But I had to make sure Baz was fine and then well, I wanted to start planning retribution for this attack on my family. I hadn’t realized that it was mid-November and I still had not gone to see Shan.

And so, here I am. At 2AM on a Tuesday. At this pub once more, in front of this Normal. This Normal who is nobody important, from a nobody family. Yet, all I’m hoping is that she can forgive me for my foolishness.

“You said I couldn’t do it alone. I did it alone. I found him, I got him back. I didn’t need anyone.” I just have to antagonize her, don’t I? I am a Pitch after all. Shan shakes her head, like she was ready for this to begin with an argument.

“I’m happy for you Prue. Truly, I am.” She responds with an icy sarcasm. Her arms are crossed and she is leaning away from me. She isn’t up for having a go at me. I take a half-step towards her and offer an olive branch.

“My real name’s Fiona. Fiona Pitch.” Shan drops her hands to her hips. She gives me a cold stare and shakes her head. She then raises her hands slightly only to cross them again. She’s upset and I can’t say I blame her. I’ve only been lying to her for several months.

“Fiona. Christ… Alright…”

“Prudence is my middle name. I didn’t know you.” I offer her an explanation. She rolls her eyes at that and continues to stare at me.

“Fine, Fiona. What do you want from me?” She waves her arms and points to her chest. I furrow my eyebrows. I don’t know how to answer her question. I also don’t like how she calls me Fiona with disdain in her voice. As if she’s talking to someone she doesn’t know or care for. I suppose I deserve that.

“I don’t need anyone. I’m perfectly fine to be on my own.” I take another half-step towards her.

“What do you want from me, Fiona?” She asks me again. She is challenging me. Her voice, while still severe, is more inquisitive. She wants me to answer her, to let her in. To allow her another piece of me.

I am not ready to answer her. Instead I continue to fight her and my own feelings.

“I do not want another person coming into my life only to destroy it again!” I turn my head away from her as I expose a tiny piece of myself. Shan now steps forward. She is a breath away from me now. I want to touch her hair, her face, her hands.

“What do you want from me, Fiona?” Her voice has now lost its edge, its icy tone. She is softer now, asking me to trust her. She reaches for my hand. I let her take it. I look down at our clasped hands, and I remember the last time she did this. I’m going to try and not run away again.

“But then you held my hand… You held my hand. And you told me I didn’t have to be alone!”

“I did.” She says so sincerely.

“And you helped me find my nephew.” I try to divert the conversation. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Merlin help me, I am not ready for this.

“I can’t take credit for that.” One of her hands has reached up to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear.

“You helped me.”

“What do you want from me Fi-” She asks one last time. I feel her breath on my face. I give in.

This time, I am ready to answer her.

I lean forward and kiss her. Her lips feel so soft, if a little chapped. Shan responds and returns my kiss. One of my hands has moved to the back of her head. I feel her thick soft curls in my hand. She has gripped my face in her hands. I feel her tilt her head and start softly nibbling on my bottom lip. I respond by lightly running my tongue over her teeth. I’ve wanted this for so long. Merlin knows why I’ve been denying it to myself. Our kiss breaks apart and Shan leans her head on the crook of my neck.

“You. I want you, Shannon. Ever since you grabbed my hand and threw my world into bloody turmoil!” I whisper into her hair. She pulls away from me and looks at me as if I’m the most insane person in the world. She wouldn’t be wrong to assume that. I’m pretty sure there is a history of insanity within my family.

“Well fuck, Prue… All you had to do was ask. But instead you ran away and acted like a bloody maniac. You could have talked to me, you know!” She shakes me lightly.

“I bloody well could not!” I look away from her and shake my head. She wouldn’t understand. I am not the type of person who stands at the doorstep of a lover begging them to take them back or to love them. Even if I was, Shan’s life is wholesome and uncomplicated. All I am is one complication after another. She doesn’t need that in her life.

“Why not? Help me understand you, Prue.” She’s grabbed my face again and she’s staring me down. Merlin help me, in the light, her eyes look like pools of honey. I grab her wrists tight.

“I’m a bloody mess, Shan. I have no direction. I’m a disgrace to my family. A disgrace to my name.” Shan smiles at me. She runs her hands through my hair and I sigh. I’m a fucking mess. If my sister could see me now, she’d be so fucking disappointed.

“You don’t have to be FIONA PITCH with me.” I snort sarcastically as she says my name with a snooty accent. “With me, you can be Prue. I like Prue a whole lot. She’s wild. She’s intense, but she’s got a good heart. She’s bloody gorgeous to.” With that, she grabs me by the back of my neck and pulls me into another deep kiss. My hands trail down to her hips and hold her in place. My thumbs tuck inside the hem of her jeans and run across her skin. It feels so soft. So perfect. We pull away again and I laugh a little.

“I can’t promise that I won’t run away or that I won’t be a complete maniac.”

“I can’t promise that I won’t kick your arse for being completely daft!” Shan flicks my white streak.

“This could be a bloody disaster…”

“Or not... Just don’t threaten my bartender again, or I may have to kill you.” She gives me a playfully wink, but I know she’s dead serious. I respond with a raised eyebrow and a tilt of my head.

“I’d like to see you try.”

With that, Shan cocks a half smile at me. She takes me by the hand and leads me away from the pub towards the stairs that lead to the Inn. She closes the lights as we walk up the stairs.

I am not ready to give my heart to another person who could very well break it. But with Shan, I’m willing to risk it.

Normal life be damned.

And when I touch you, I feel happy inside. It’s such a feeling that my love, I can’t hide.

#carry on countdown #coc 2019 #wlw #repost #because i'm a mess #fiona pitch #badass fiona #next day repost #i won't delete it this time #carry on #wayward son #no spoilers here #my writing #fanfic #piss off demon #I'm still here and I'm still fighting

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goldenhour-goldenboy · 6 years ago

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21 Questions

Answer 21 questions and tag 21 people (I just finished up another tag thingy and though I love them I’ll let ya’ll out of this one bc uhhh 21 peeps is a lot of peeps can you believe I’m a writer?? But of course you are very welcome to do it if you want to!!)

I got tagged by the one, the only @kitkatwriting thank you, my Love!!

Nicknames: I truly don’t have one. Marie’s pretty short as it is lol

Zodiac Sign: Libra

Height: 6′1

Hogwarts House: It’s been a couple of years but last time I took a test (twice, mind you, to confirm) I got Gryffindor

Favorite Musicians: Those are always the hardest, fuck.

Dermot Kennedy, Nickleback, 5 Seconds of Summer, Linkin Park, Billie Eilish, Marteria, Casper, Sia.

I realized I only have a few fav musicians and like to listen to a handful of songs from other artist but I wouldn’t know them enough to consider them my faves, you know??

Some Song Stuck in My Head: Had one from the radio stuck in my head all day. It’s a german one called “Vincent” by Sarah Connor and it’s about a boy falling in love with a boy for the first time and the radio stations haven’t stopped playing it ever since it came out. It’s not my style/song but the beats quite catchy so it was bound to get stuck in my head i figured(as it’s most of the time, eh?)

Following: 208

Followers: on this blog around 130 (ajkshlakjfpsdf WHAT)

Do You Get Asks: YES AND THANK GOD I still get a couple from the prompt list I reblogged the other day and I have a few sitting in my ask box for a while now that are “bigger requests” for a fic/hc/oneshot that just take me longer to plan out and write. I try to answer them as fast as possible but I don’t just wanna shit them out to get by inbox cleared out bc that’s no fun and the quality would suck so I take my time in sitting down and answering them as best as possible. Honestly, I l o v e asks, apart from comments it’s my favorite thing in the world to see the little box light up with a new message!

Ties in with the question but the whole blurb thing is my favorite thing to write bc it’s fun and quick and easy and you guys send in so many creative asks I LIVE FOR IT TBH ❤️❤️

Amount of Sleep: listen. li sten. my sleeping scheduel is a mess. I slept 3 1/2 hours last night and the whole weekend was filled with family things so i am dead. Other times I sleep for 10 hours straight. how am i supposed to answer this? I envy everyone who gets a decent amount of sleep bc it seriously fucks with my overall health and well being smh

Lucky Number: 11

What You’re Wearing: fav (and biggest) jumper i own and a pair of shorts bc I’m in bed rn and this is what i like to wear to sleep lol

Dream Job: working on/writing for film

Dream Trip: I truly crave going back to Norway and would love to visit Canada!

Instruments: I used to play the piano and the violin for like 8 years but I haven’t played in ages and I doubt I could still get a single tune out of it lol

Languages: German, English and a couple of phrases in French that I remember from High School lol

Favorite Songs: I’ve had “Power” by Little Mix on repeat for the last uh hour or so bc I was cleaning and now I’m sick of it but I don’t have anything new to listen to (pls send in some bangers bc I am in desperate need of new music)

Random Fact: Gonna throw out a random fact about me lol I hate cold food and the smell of it, and I’m talking cooked food that has been in the fridge for a couple of hours and that you would usually eat hot. I always, ALWAYS have to reheat it and idk what it is about me but i hate everything about it if it’s cold i don’t even wanna touch it

Aesthetic:

Mist and Industrial lofts

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bittlespie · 8 years ago

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Patater Week Day 4

The prompt is: Alternate Universe.

So here’s a little bit of a Patater Hogwarts AU that I may or may not continue in the future. (P.S. this is if Kent and Alexei were the same age and headed toward graduation at Hogwarts. Think like freshman year of college age :) )

“Erm...okay…” Kent shook mashed potatoes off of his cloak. His formerly green tie was now crusted with something orange, and there was what he thinks might be marmelade stuck in his hair.

Next to him a giant of a man (like seriously, he might have been half giant, he felt huge) grunted, flinging egg salad off of his fingers as best he could.

“So, this is gonna sound weird, but thanks for helping me stop the food fight...if you want I can let you into the prefect’s bathroom since the dormitory baths will be full of students trying to get stuff off their robes…” Kent offered. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t seen Alexei Mashkov around the castle. He was hard to miss, plus he was an excellent beater for Hufflepuff’s quidditch team, and as captain of the Slytherin team he was charged with researching the other teams...or that’s what he told Troy when he found Kent snooping around the Hufflepuff common room anyway.

“Yes, that will be good.” Alexei nodded, his accent thick.

“Okay, um, you can follow me then, I’ll show you to the nearest one.” Kent stiffly lead the way from the great hall.

The walk to the third floor was mostly silent, albeit there was the sound of something on Kent’s shoes squishing against the floor as he walked. They reached the door and Kent leaned in the whisper the password.

“Quiet scorpion.” He whispered, then watched as the wall slid aside to allow them to enter the bathroom.

Fuck. Kent stared at the large bathtub that was customary of the prefects bathrooms. He had not thought this out. He was about to literally take a bath with his crush. While naked. Fuck.

Mashkov immediately took his cloak off, not even bothering to fold it, since it would obviously need washed before he could wear it again anyway.

“Um, I will see you in a bit then, I’ve got some things to attend to first…” Kent took a couple steps back.

Alexei’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Do not be silly. You not attend to much with syrup on face.” He stepped forward and wiped at a sticky spot on Kent’s face. “You get clean then attend to things. Make more sense.”

“Uh, yeah...you’re right…” Kent trailed off, cheeks pink. He untied his cloak and looked down at his shoes as he untied them, trying not to look up at where Alexei was taking off the rest of his clothes. It was so weird. Normally people knew that Kent was a pretty flirty guy, with guys and girls alike, but it felt different with Alexei...like it was more important to impress him than other students he had dated.

Kent finished taking off his socks and shoes and stood up, getting an eyeful of Alexei’s sculpted rear as he stepped into the bath.

Kent’s face immediately went hot and he looked down again, focusing on the buttons of his shirt. He fumbled clumsily with the last one and pulled the shirt off.

“You take long time to be ready for bath.” Alexei hummed, tipping his head back into the soapy warm water.

Kent didn’t reply, just took a deep breath and removed his pants and underwear before stepping into the water. He was glad Alexei still had his eyes closed with his head tipped back into the water. Kent knew he was fit, even if he wasn’t very bulky, but there was still something about the guy you had a huge crush on seeing his dick that wasn’t super appealing.

Kent used his wand to send his clothes to the laundry bin before setting it down on the edge of the tub.

“You are seventh year yes? What your plan after Hogwarts?” Alexei asked curiously. “Play quidditch?”

“Uh, I’m looking into it, and if I can get on a team it’ll be great! If not, I’ll likely be crunching numbers or data at the Ministry.” Kent explained. “I’ve gotten really good at arithmancy, and I kind of like it. It just makes sense to me.”

Alexei wrinkled his nose, causing Kent to laugh.

“I’m not like numbers. I’m want play for the Falmouth Falcons. I’m talking with manager, and I’m going to tryouts for next season.” Alexei puffed out his chest.

“That’s awesome! I hope you get a spot!” Kent smiled. He didn’t mention that he already had tryouts scheduled with the Bangers and the Bats. No need to make it a competition.

A silence followed that wasn’t completely uncomfortable. Still Kent decided to ruin it for some reason.

“So are you like half giant?” Kent blurted out. He turned bright red. “I mean, I guess you don’t really have to tell me or anything, sorry I don’t really know why I blurted that out, you’re just really tall, and like solidly built…” Kent just barely stopped himself from putting his face in his hands, instead looking away toward the stained glass window.

Alexei burst out laughing, a booming sound that filled the echoey bathroom.

“I’m not half giant. You are just being little twig.” He chuckled. “No, I am just joking. My great great babushka was a giant. I am only having little bit of giant in me.” He explained.

“I’m a muggle-born.” Kent blurted out. Wow he really wasn’t helping himself.

“Is true? I’m not think, you are being very natural at magic. Best in charms class. I am not being very good student. I am only very good at magical creatures and quidditch.” Alexei laughed again.

“That’s not true, you’re definitely fair in potions and defence against the dark arts. You were really good in divination and muggle studies too!” Kent protested.

“I’m not take muggle studies with slytherins. I’m only have with Ravenclaws.” Alexei raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, yeah...my friend mentioned in passing that you were good at it.” Kent blushed a little, sinking further down in the slowly disappearing bubbles.

“Come here.” Alexei moved forward a little and motioned for Kent to come closer to him.

Kent’s heart pounded as he obediently scooted closer to Alexei.

Alexei put his large hands on Kent’s waist and turned him so his back was to Alexei. He scooped up some water with his hand and poured it on Kent’s head, tipping his head back so it didn’t run into Kent’s eyes.

“You are still having sticky orange hair.” Alexei explained, grabbing some of the shampoo and rubbing it into Kent’s hair.

Kent sat with his legs crossed, patiently waiting for Alexei to finish.

Alexei finished combing through the sticky blonde hair and rinsed it off with a couple handfuls of water. He kept one hand on Kent’s shoulder and the other toyed with a lock of curly hair.

Kent took a deep breath.

“I’ve had a crush on you since like first year.” He admitted. What was the worst that could happen? He likely wouldn’t see Alexei after the spring anyway.

“Hmm I’m know.” Alexei hummed, letting the hand in Kent’s hair trail down to Kent’s spine. “I’m only figure out recently. Last five minutes.”

Kent chuckled breathlessly as Alexei’s finger traced down Kent’s spine, stopping where the water began.

“You are Kent Parson. Always smart and know what to say. Right now you are nervous. So must be because I’m here, yes?”

“Yeah.” Kent nodded.

“Well is okay. No need being nervous.” Alexei leaned in to Kent’s ear. “I’m having crush on you since third year.”

Kent’s heart was pounding even harder now as Alexei’s hand reached around to Kent’s front and smoothed over a nipple, down toward the water. Kent’s breath hitched when Alexei pulled his hand away.

“You’re having things to take care of, remember?” Alexei chuckled, his voice low.

“I-I was just trying to not take a bath with you!” Kent protested. “I’m literally naked in a huge bathtub with you and you’re trying to get rid of me?”

“Have talk to headmaster. Little second years in trouble for starting food fight.” Alexei chuckled, moving away from Kent and standing up.

Kent whined, eyes following Alexei’s toned body.

“Come on kotenok. You are having Prefect responsibilities.” Alexei teased.

“Uuugh.” Kent groaned but pulled himself out of the water. “You’re the worst. If you think we’re not coming back in here sometime soon, you are very wrong.” Kent sighed as he pulled on one of the robes hanging on a nearby hook.

“Mmm sound good.” Alexei flashed Kent a smile. “Will talk to you after you talk with headmaster. You come to Hufflepuff common room and we talk, yes?” Alexei punctuated the request with a peck to Kent’s cheek.

“Uh yeah. I can do that.” Kent flushed.

“Good. Will see you soon little kotenok.” Alexei grabbed Kent’s shoulders and kissed him gently. “I’m be waiting.” He waved backing away from Kent and out the door.

“Goddamn…” Kent whispered, fully aware of the absolutely dumb smile on his face.

#omgcp #omgcheckplease #check please!#patater #pataterweek #patater week #mine #kent parson #alexei mashkov #parse #tater

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theworstbob · 8 years ago

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yellin’ at songs, 3.25.2017

ah man, so i know last week was a bit of a bummer, but i’m really excited to see what the billboard chart has to offer this week! i can’t explain it, i’m just so stoked to see what it’s got! i think it’s gonna be a fun week with dope songs in a variety of genres! i see no way this week’s hot 100 debuts could leave me deflated! i’m so pumped to go on this adventure through the exciting and ever-changing world of music. HIT ME!

37) "Perfect," by Ed Sheeran 49) "Dive," by Ed Sheeran 53) "Galway Girl," by Ed Sheeran 59) "Happier," by Ed Sheeran 72) "New Man," by Ed Sheeran 75) "Supermarket Flowers," by Ed Sheeran 83) "What Do I Know?" by Ed Sheeran 90) "Eraser," by Ed Sheeran 93) "Hearts Don't Break Around Here," by Ed Sheeran 96) "Barcelona," by Ed Sheeran

i see

Look: I knew there were gonna be hella Ed Sheeran songs comin’ up this week, but I didn’t know that’s the only thing the chart had in store. I thought we’d get at least one other artist up in here? Guess not. Guess it’s ten Ed Sheeran songs. But! I knew something like this would happen, so I went ahead and did a thing:

YELLIN’ AT SONGS 2007 EDITION

We’re gonna listen to Divide (there’s no way it’s worth dipping into the character map to type the symbol) at some point this week, drop the review in the Thing Journal, and adjust the Top 20 as necessary next week. This week, we will discuss all the songs that made their chart debut between the 1.13.2007 and 3.24.2007 editions (does that mean you’re not gonna talk about how great “Irreplaceable” is) yeah (that seems stupid) OH IT ENDS UP BEING STUPID, and every week from here on out, 2007 and 2017 will battle it out to prove... Something. Which era’s music I enjoy more? I guess?

1.13.2007 86) "Alyssa Lies," Jason Michael Carroll

Legit this song is amazing. It barely straddles the line between Profound and Schmaltz, barely, but what saves it is the unambiguously tragic ending, where there's a child murdered by her parents and a dad who doesn't know how to talk to his daughter about it. I don't know that anyone in country today has a song this emotionally complex in their pocket, and I’m including the Good Ones in this statement. Brandy Clark’s “Three Kids No Husband” is on this level, but other than that, man. It's so wonderful to hear a song that's trying to do more than satiate, that's looking to challenge, to prompt discussion about an important issue, that's looking to be more than a delivery vehicle for blue jean dancing on a Chevy hood in the summer moonlight. (Full disclosure, I listened to this song at 7 AM after being awake since 2, so I wasn’t in, like, the stablest emotional state? But while looking at what I wrote while more awake and more cynical, I felt this opinion held up, so hey!) Anyhoo, this dude crowdfunded his most recent album, and I'm glad he gets to do this thing he loves without having to make the bro country song. I might not check it out, but I appreciate he's getting it done.

89) "Honestly," Cartel

This was the best take they had of these vocals. Like, I try not to think about vocal performance too much, because that's the easiest thing to think about (please don't tell me how often I talk about vocals, I'm sure it's A Lot), but man. This song came a few weeks before Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, and The All-American Rejects would have Top Ten singles at the same time. This song came at a time when there was a huge demand for songs like it, and all the pieces are there. The music's high-energy, they wrote a catchy-as-fuck tune, the words are slightly clever to just a certain extent, it is accompanied by a brightly-colored and timely video, but the dude can't sing. I get that he's the driving creative force. But fucking Pete Wentz was willing to do bass and scream occasionally. If PETE WENTZ could set ego aside for the greater good, what’s your fucking excuse, bro.

90) "Chicken Noodle Soup," Webstar & Young B ft./AG aka The Voice of Harlem

...Well, this is certainly a thing that existed! I am glad that this teen found some avenue of self-expression, I hope she has found success, and I will have you know that my uncultured ass was thrilled to hear DJ Webstar intone, "Shake it, shake it, Harlem Shake it" near the end of the song. Apparently the dance move Chicken Noodle Soup is a derivation of the original form of the Harlem Shake! So this song is #actually a fun footnote in popular music history and viral video history! How grand!

94) "U + Ur Hand," P!nk

If you don't love a rad-ass song about tellin' some creep dude to fuck himself, I don't know what to tell you. I can't imagine we're on the same page in any book. This is just a wholesome good time for the whole family, I don't see anything to pick on here.

96) "King Kong," Jibbs ft./Chamillionaire

It's interesting listening to this song in an era where Future has imitators, because it is at once refreshing to hear a rap song that isn't about internal darkness and self-loathing and all that jazz and disappointing to hear a rap song that's just about car speakers. When I express disappointment at the amount of trap singles on the chart, I am forgetting that there are classics I unreservedly love, "Bad and Boujee"s and "Selifsh"s, and that the songs I don't like will fall to the wayside as "King Kong" did.

98) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," Jennifer Hudson

THIS WON AN OSCAR. You know the only demerits you can give this track? One, she doesn't go I'M NOT WAKING UP TOMORROW MORNING HA-HA. She omits the Ha-Ha. The other mark you can take off is, Jennifer Hudson never had to perform it with the same emotional intensity and technical proficiency every single day for several months in front of a live audience. How do people who act on Broadway stay alive. So basically the worst thing about this song is that Jennifer Hudson isn't Jennifer Holliday? C’mon, y’all, I didn't come here to say actual bad things about this song. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not That Guy. "This phoenix's rise from the ashes could have used more fire!" I'M SORRY THIS IMPOSSIBLE THING YOU HAVE WITNESSED WASN'T DAZZLING ENOUGH

1.20.2007 81) "Lost Without U," Robin Thicke

I listened to "And I Am Telling You" for like half an hour before moseying on over to /sigh/ this song. Also I watched an episode of Cheers, took a nap while watching a carlsagan42 video, and watched the film Spotlight. I had momentum, and then I saw this schmuck was on deck and I said, "Nah." This song is somewhat more interesting when you consider that the dude got incredibly divorced with the woman about whom he wrote this song, but then you hear the line "You wanna touch yourself when you see me," and just, fuck this dude. "Gurl, I love you so much, so I wrote this song about you." "Is that line about how I masturbate at the very sight of you?" "It's one of the things I love most."

85) "Doe Boy Fresh," Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire

Three 6 Mafia gets to start their songs by shouting ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS! because we live, despite everything, in the best universe. Hey: did we give Chamillionaire a fair shake? I am aware that Chamillionaire's done alright for himself, but I've heard two songs with Chamillionaire features, and I have seen the future and know that Chamillionaire isn't that much of a factor, and that seems odd. He's pretty solid! Not like something to write home about, but it seems weird he had an inescapable #1 hit so awesome the beat gave Weird Al a top-20 hit, then just dropped off the face of the earth. I appreciate the solid work he did in 2006. You're good people, Chamillionaire.

87) "Cupid's Chokehold," Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump

I wonder if the other dudes in Gym Class Heroes and the other dudes in Maroon 5 ever hang out. You know, just talk about music, talk about their lives, make each other feel valued. This is the world I like to imagine. This song is charming, and I'm going to go out on a limb and claim it's unhateable. It's such light-hearted fun! If you can hear this song and feel anything but glee, you're probably the sort of person that has watched Ken Burns' Baseball three times.

99) "Candyman," Christina Aguilera

There was a hot minute when Christina Aguilera was trying to introduce a retro, big-bandy influence to her work, and it was the greatest minute of our lives. Can we have a moment for "Tilt Ya Head Back," a 2004 track no one remembers that is worthy of far more admiration than it has received? I'ma just say it: that Christina Aguilera is far too big to make an appearance on Postmodern Jukebox is a damn shame. They oughta break the bank for her.

1.27.2007 69) "Jump to the Rhythm," Jordan Pruitt

This is adorable. You go, 15-year-old girl who has been intermittently active over the past decade. And our first future The Voice alum! That's neat! Just the one chair? Yeah, that sounds about right. At least you made this fun song the one time!

77) "He Said She Said," Ashley Tisdale

This song is a fucking mess. This is not a voice meant to sing bangers, nor is it a voice meant to rap for any reason ever. This song has two different choruses. Maybe everyone should have chilled out for a couple of seconds, had a nice think about it, figured out how to make this coherent. I don't know much about songwriting, but if I write a song with the same title as a limpbizkit song, and anyone on earth that wasn't a 15-year-old white boy in 2001 thinks the limpbizkit song was better, I have to consider the song an objective failure.

92) "Mr. Jones," Mike Jones

I can't believe the producer of this song doesn't even have a stub on Wikipedia. I love this track. History did Myke Diesel wrong. And Mike Jones, I dunno, ever since I read The Rap Year-Book and learned how Mike Jones made his name, I have a certain amount of respect for what he was able to accomplish. Is he great at rapping? Nah. But is he a boy who seems nice that has made a number of not-unpleasant songs? Yes! This is #2 on the Songs Named "Mr. Jones" Power Rankings, but it is a solid, earned position. (Dear Progressive Boink: I hope this Google Alert has found you well. Please tell me where I can find your Mike Jones: A Career story, as it is the Best Thing, but Google is unhelpful, and SB Nation websites are nightmares to navigate.)

94) "My, Oh My," The Wreckers

...Y'know what, I'm not gonna strain to have some grand ol' opinion or make some dumb ol' joke right now. This song's dope. I dig it.

98) "Glamorous," Fergie ft./Ludacris

What if the only reason we don't like Fergie is because it's impossible for us to separate Fergie as a pop song delivery mechanism from Fergie the chick from Black Eyed Peas? Let's say the aliens come to earth, download all our music, but unplug their thing from the dock before uploading is complete and somehow Black Eyed Peas files get corrupted but Fergie files remain pristine. How would they take Fergie? Would they think this is a nice song about living out your dreams? Or would they still think it was kinda shallow and vapid and all those things we associate with Fergie because she makes, ya know, shallow and vapid music? I think there's a lot to like about this song divorced from the greater context of Fergie's career. It's sneaky-dope. Just don't think about where it came from.

2.3.2007 2) "This Ain't a Scene, it's an Arms Race," Fall Out Boy

I'm of two minds on this one. One, I know all the words and could prolly kill it at karaoke if the need ever arose. I have something not quite unlike love for this track. Two, it's not... good? At least, I'm not sure it's one of my 20 favorite Fall Out Boy songs. Or top 40. It's in the middle of the list somewhere. The song is kinda nonsense. My enduring memory of this song will always be the Kanye West remix, where the first line of Kanye's verse is, "I don't know what the hell this song is talkin' 'bout. Do you?" If people do a guest verse for your song and feel emboldened enough to say, "What the fuck is this," you've made a kinda shitty song? It's not one of my better Fall Out Boy memories. *gasp* IS THAT A PLUG?!

14) "Push it to the Limit," Corbin Bleu

This is an acceptable dance track and, again, in a position where I see the future, I don't see why we couldn't have just taken all of Chris Brown's songs and given them to this snappy young man. Look at all the jump ropes he does! We could have replaced Chris Brown with Corbin Bleu and lost nothing. (This is not an equal exchange. Corbin Bleu has Chris Brown's career and is also in High School Musical, and it is a happy accident that "Run It" gets big just as High School Musical starts popping. Chris Brown becomes his backup dancer, and without the pressure of fame, he’s not a monster. He’s still kind of a dick, but if he’s not with his bros, he’s kinda chill. Everyone is happier in this arrangement.)

50) "If Everyone Cared," Nickelback

Shit. This is the only Nickelback song to debut on the Hot 100 in 2007. I have to make this count: Nickelback is trash. Nickelback has always been trash. Nickelback has not stopped being trash. We stopped pointing out that Nickelback is trash, but it is important to remember that Nickelback is trash. This song is incredibly trash. Yes, it would be better if things were nicer, what a profound fucking observation. Is pop music worse off today than it was in 2007? Enh. There's an overabundance of trap, I don't like all the songs that sound like the apocalypse, but at least we have long been rid of this trash. I would take a thousand G-Eazy songs before I took another fucking second of Nickelback.

79) "Don't Matter," Akon

it's like someone just kinda said "hey here's a bunch of shit that'd make for a listenable pop song" and someone else said "a'ight man put 'em together" and then this came out. i still can't believe someone who sounded like akon was as huge as akon was.

86) "Go Getta," Young Jeezy ft./R. Kelly

I'm likely supposed to have left this song feeling a tad more energized than I had been prior. I dunno. Maybe I'm just not in the mood for a pump-up anthem? Maybe this sounded like a thousand high school football players' highlight reels? My heart just wasn't open for this one, man.

87) "This Is Why I'm Hot," MIMS

Maybe I'm listening to this wrong, but this feels really close to being a 2017 hit. This would be the easiest trap remix ever, just roll the drum machine a few extra times, throw in a "SKRRRRRRRRRRRRT" here and there, this could absolutely be a hit today. You can Auto-tune MIMS if you want, I think he can hold his own without it, but then again, I've never made a hit record before, I don't know. All I know is, this song that never left 2007 is somehow the one that sounds the most timeless so far.

89) "She's Like the Wind," Lumidee ft./Tony Sunshine

...In what universe is Tony Sunshine the featured artist? No. No, I had to endure this song, the same thousand-minute-long chorus with a brief, lazily recited verse preceding each instance, I think I deserve to know, where does Lumidee get off taking the credit for this song. Does she get the main credit because the song's about her? Is that it? Is the dude saying "She's like the wind!" and Lumidee's just like "A-yup?" I could get it if that's the case. But legit what is this. Hey 2007, what is this. You're competing with the future and mayhaps, if I'm ever up for it, the past. Step it up.

94) "Last Night," Diddy ft./Keyshia Cole

Great. Great. I asked you to step it up, and now, Diddy's singing. T-Pain, I don't know when you're coming, but I already know you're too late. It makes me angry Diddy thought he could sing because EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE ABOUT THIS SONG IS ON POINT. Hey, Diddy? Dude from Cartel? If you were trying to show the world you could single-handedly sink your respective enterprises, well congratuFUCKINGLATIONS your plaques are in the mail

95) "From Yesterday," 30 Seconds to Mars

So here's the funny thing about this song: I had thought I had never heard this song, but the second that "on his face is a map of the world" line played for the first time (of many! (so many times!)), it clicked that this is a song I had, in fact, heard before, and for which had already decided there was no room in my heart. I look forward to forgetting this again.

2.10.2007 83) "Smile," Lily Allen

THIS IS A SONG I LIKE BUT IT'S A SONG I HAVEN'T DONE MUCH MORE OR LESS THAN LIKE FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS SO I DUNNO WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY HERE. It's not like this is some forgotten gem, or has some hitherto unremarked upon flaw, or is a classic must needs be further analyzed. It's a fun song about wishing the worst on your enemies, and I think it tricked every single person on earth, including Lily Allen, into thinking she was more clever than she was. (This doesn't make the chart, but remember that song where she put her brother on blast? She made an entire song about what a lazy worthless fuck her brother was. We don't talk about that enough, how the twenty-seventh most-notable female pop star of the aughts pulled the receipts on her brother, the thirty-second male lead on Game of Thrones, for absolutely no reason.)

86) "Phantom Limb," The Shins

This is an intricately composed track (I know nothing of song composition), it keeps adding new things every half-minute, and it all builds to this closing guitar solo which is, for lack of a more descriptive term, impactful. I'm sure the lyrics would have some deeper meaning I'd be able to ascertain if this man weren't so insistent on forlornly mumbling, but what we have here is a song which not only demands but deserves attention. I don't have fucking time for this nonsense. "Nyeh, I'm The Shins, you have to sit with my works and let them sink in an" NAH FUCK THAT THERE'S NO WAY THE REWARD IS WORTH THE EFFORT.

92) "Hillbilly Deluxe," Brooks & Dunn

We can debate the true origin of bro country. It likely took root with "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)," when radio executives learned that there was a sizable demand for country culture references shouted loudly over energetic music. "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" dropped in 2004. I don't know what went down in country music between 2004 and 2007. It looks like country leaned harder and harder on their tropes -- you had a "Hicktown" here, a "Redneck Yacht Club" there, but those dudes weren't established stars, they were dudes just trying to find their way in. Trace Adkins dropped "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," but it feels unfair to that song to lump it in with "That's What I Love About Sunday," it was trying to be much sillier. I think this song is the moment when the Nashville establishment fully embraced the trend and began its descent into blandness. It's not that it was overwhelmingly popular, it topped out at #16 on the country chart, it's that a group with 20 #1 singles decided that this was an acceptable song to make. Once a leader in the genre talked about packing a pick-em-up truck with country girls, it was all over.

93) "Famous Last Words," My Chemical Romance

OH FUCK IT’S A HOT TAKE: Welcome to the Black Parade is a self-important and over-ambitious album that has only gotten worse with time. This comment applies to this song because the last few seconds of this song are a wholly unpleasant tangle of screams, because that's how you sell a story, is you just shout until people agree it's good. Three Cheers and Danger Days are good! I can't think of a single thing about Black Parade that I enjoyed. Ugh, I just remembered the key change in the title track, Why, Who Let You.

97) "The River," Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates

See, the heft of this song is disproportionate to the weight this band had previously carried, but I think it works here, makes this song more powerful than I feel it should be. Let’s jump into some Good Charlotte deep cuts: if you go back to "The Day That I Die," you hear Good Charlotte has been asking if they've been living their life right, so it's not a stretch that they'd write a song stating, no, they fucked up in a lot of ways, and now they must needs beg forgiveness before they can begin correcting course in earnest. Am I putting too much thought into this because I feel a need to defend how much I love this song, given the source? Lil' bit! But I think Good Charlotte more than earned a moment of introspection, and while I do not understand why Synyster Gates is here or what he added to the proceedings, I'm glad that name is in my life for a few moments more.

98) "Beer in Mexico," Kenny Chesney

I was all set to make fun of Kenny Chesney but there's horns in this country song. I am here for horns in country songs. You know who has a horn section in their country songs in 2017? Sturgill Simpson, and no one else. I'll ride for this song because it affords the opportunity to positively compare Kenny Chesney to Sturgill Simpson.

100) "B.U.D.D.Y.," Musiq Soulchild

Thank you for joining me today. I know you have been waiting for me to give my official statement on mid-aughts R&B jams about fuck buddies. Here it is: I'm for 'em. I will not be taking any questions today. Thank you, and gods bless.

2.17.2007 40) "Year 3000," Jonas Brothers

"I took a trip to the year 3000, this song had gone multi-platinum" FACT CHECK: The song sold just over a million copies in he United States, only enough to earn it one platinum plaque. There is, of course, still time for a million more people to purchase "Year 3000," it's not as if the song is unavailable, but it is highly unlikely this comes to fruition. "Everybody bought our seveth album, it had outsold Kelly Clarkson" FACT CHECK: I just looked up Jonas Brothers Discography on Wikipedia to complete a dumb joke about a ten-year-old boy band song that's actually a cover of a song by a different boy band. The original song apparently had incestuous overtones! Good call to remove those, boys!

48) "Over It," Katharine McPhee

Man, this is an interesting flash back to a girl with a song in her heart as she's waiting to start her adventure. That fire and drive that make dreams come alive, they fill her soul, she's in control. The drama! The laughter! The tears just like pearls! They're all in this girl's repertoire! It's all for the taking, and it's magic we'll be making: LET ME BE YOUR STAAAAAAAAAAAR yeah i fucking KNOW this is megan hilty's verse but it fit the joke better, ok? OKAY?! listen. the past is on the cutting room floor. the future is here with me. choose me.

61) "Dashboard," Modest Mouse

This is probably the first song on these charts that I've listened to hundreds of times and can say I truly love. This is a weird thing to say about a song that is either about dying in a car fire or standing on a capsizing boat. Modest Mouse wrote one optimistic song, “Float On,” and I was one of many teens who through this discovered a band with the same bleak outlook as them. I watched a documentary on Charles Bukowski because I so identified with the song “Bukowski.” (Didn't read any books or poems or whatever, just rented the documentary from Netflix. That's the best way to engage with writers, right?) Of course I loved this song that said, "If the world don't like us it'll shake us just like we were a cold," because it's a fucking amazing song that thinks about its own insignificance JUST LIKE ME! We don't talk nearly enough about the several notches Johnny Marr kicked this band, y'all. I'm still trying to figure out how to catch how differences in instrumentation impacts an artist's sound, but even my mega-untrained ears at 17 could discern just how much fuller, how much more intense Johnny Marr made this band. I almost wanted to listen to The Smiths, but even back then, I knew The Smiths were a bridge too far. So much of my teenage years were spent staring at the search bar into which I entered “Girlfriend in a Coma,” mouse hovering over the search button, just saying to myself “This will only make you worse.”

67) "Say OK," Vanessa Hudgens

Um. I. I don't know what happened. I don't, um, I kinda fucking love this song? I don't know. This feeling is confusing for me. Maybe I just identify with the need to have someone not tell me they love me, just have someone say everything's OK, say that we're gonna be fine. ...Ah fucking shit, I think that living in the Trump era has engendered within me a profound attachment to a Vanessa Hudgens song. But even divorced from this context, like, the title of my tumblog has always been "I'm Just Trying My Best, Guys." I hella connect with a girl just asking to be told she's good.

77) "Lips of an Angel," Jack Ingram

It's always surprised me that no one in Hinder has tried for a solo country career, because "Lips of an Angel" is sort of a perfect country song. It's a man who's cheating on his girlfriend with an old flame, and it's kind of the flip side of those small town Saturday nights, the dark undercurrent of small town living, where you see the same people and go to the same places and can never quite get rid of feelings you used to harbor as a teen. "Lips of an Angel" would be a towering achievement in country music in the right hands, and while I don't think Jack Ingram really strove to unlock this song's potential, doesn't quite get at the emotional depth (I think I've used that phrase twice in this post, what am I doing), there's still a lot to like about this cover, simply for the fact it brings "Lips of an Angel" home.

81) "Grace Kelly," Mika

i mean this song is perfect the fuck do you want from me, to nit-pick? why would i nit-pick? if i look for flaws, i'ma find 'em, because nothing is truly flawless, and i would much rather this song remain perfect for me, thank you.

82) "Thinking About You," Norah Jones

This song is about 204 seconds long and does about as much for me as watching a reupload of the Indie Singer Kitchen Vine 34 times in a row would. ...Yeah, that's not really fair, you're right, I should be more stoked about this era when a quiet jazz tune could stand alongside the High School Musical titans and thudding rap tracks and all the emo songs. I don't think I've heard anything like this in the 2017 list. I'm still not a fan? But I respect it.

83) "Crazy Car," The Naked Brothers Band

this sounds like this kid's parents only let this kid listen to The Beatles, like they home-schooled him and taught him all the basics but also taught a music class focused solely on listening to, analyzing, and interpreting the music The Beatles made, but they leave out all the drugs The Beatles did because this is a wholesome home-school, and then when the kid turned 13 they handed him a guitar and said, "OK. Time to write a song." so this kid has 13 years of extremely limited life experience, the only music he's known is The Beatles, and he’s asked to write a song. this is what this song sounds like. "Uh, The Beatles sure wrote some crazy songs, uh, what if, a. Car? was crazy." which, hey, it worked! it would be the worst Beatles song, but it doesn't sound unlike a Beatles song!

92) "Wouldn't Get Far," The Game ft./Kanye West

In the backdoor pilot for Yellin' at 2007 last eek, I threw this out as what could hypothetically be my favorite song of 2007, a mostly forgotten track from big names that spent a limited time in the back half of the Hot 100, like my beloved "Run Up." I hadn't heard the song before, but given that The Game (who made one of my favorite albums of 2016) and Kanye (Kanye) were involved, I thought it was a safe pick. I will now be more thoroughly vetting my throwaway lines. This is a song about how the hot chicks in rap videos have too much power, which is a baffling premise. I don't think I've ever been watching a rap video and think, "Boy, that girl in the bikini has all the power in the world. Um, excuse me, I think the artist is the star of the show? You owe your entire career to him! Say thank you." 100% fuck this. This is the most meninist rap song in existence, and I sincerely hope all parties involved would like to take this one back. Yikes.

94) "Wasted," Carrie Underwood

this is a song about figuring out that you're stuck in a rut and becoming cynical and deciding you want to make a change and live your life more purposefully, and i am not going to try to connect it to the state of modern country, because i honestly can't see how it could possibly connect to modern country! i know i should probably be talking about this song on its own, and it fits the template of a Vaguely Inspirational Carrie Underwood Ballad quite well, does a highly admirable job of delivering insane vocal work and A Message, but i am aligned with the Stop Bro Country 2017 movement (not an actual movement), and pointing out how this song does what Bro Country doesn’t is part of the mission.

96) "Be Good to Me," Ashley Tisdale

There's a lot of things you could do with the "In Da Club" beat. You could even just make "In Da Club" again. I think it would have been quite silly to have Ashley Tisdale drop a cover of "In Da Club," but if I had a choice between having Ashley Tisdale cover "In Da Club" or having her make this song with a beat strongly reminiscient of "In Da Club," I'm weathering the thinkpieces and the most smashed dislike button in history and having Ashley Tisdale cover "In Da Club," because at least Ashley Tisdale trying to pull off 50 Cent lines would be fucking hilarious. This is... Man, the people who were put in charge of Ashley Tisdale's music career were horrible at their jobs! She gets swallowed whole by even this pale imitation of the "In Da Club" beat, but what was she doing here to begin with? You throw your kids into the deep end to teach them how to swim, not the middle of the Indian Ocean! Like, look at Ariana Grande's career. Her debut album is nice '50s-influenced songs, and then she slowly but surely gets more modern and develops more attitude, and now she can make songs like "Into You," because she was allowed to develop as a performer into someone with confidence that could stand up to modern music's production. They started Ashley Tisdale at "Into You," and that is a poor way to start this young woman fresh off goddamned High School Musical. Fucking "Candyman" existed in this time. You could've ripped off "Candyman," and we all would have been happier. I literally can't believe I turned on an Ashley Tisdale song and my first thought was, "That's the 'In Da Club' beat."

97) "Settlin'," Sugarland

oh wow a country song about how good enough isn't really good enough, that's a common occurence in modern country, so much so i'm not sure why i'm calling this one out, it's just so common, country songs about having goals and wanting more out of life! i'm not looking forward to "Everyday America," i don't remember that song but it's gonna be a tough listen in 2017 i'm sure, but Sugarland was hella reliable in their day, and i appreciated the reminder of their prowess.

98) "I'll Wait for You," Joe Nichols

"it's sad when people die!" it sure is, joe.

99) "Anyway," Martina McBride

"optimism is good!" thank you for coming to my blog. what a fun and worthwhile exercise this is. martina has a bigger jesus piece than kanye. i mean i haven't done a side-by-side comparison, and i may be conflating the idea of a jesus piece with a cross, but that's a big-ass fuckin' cross.

2.24.2007 77) "Outside Looking In," Jordan Pruitt

THIS FRESH TEEN HAD TWO HOT 100 HITS AND BOTH OF THEM WERE AT LEAST A LITTLE DOPE. I'm officially kinda interested in what a Jordan Pruitt song sounds like ten years later! There's something in here might be worth following, something here that might have been accessed and taken to a cool place. Or she could drop an "In Da Club" cover. I'd be happy with either outcome.

78) "Not Fade Away," Sheryl Crow

This song isn't available on YouTube, and I'm not really all that interested in finding a song I won't like, so I'm just going to pretend Sheryl Crow covered the series finale of Angel, the fourth-best Joss Whedon show. What a bold choice, to release a cover version of a TV episode! I think it was an odd choice for Sheryl Crow to play all the parts, but that was before I knew what an amazing voice actress she was! That voice she did when she's Illyria as Fred, where you know that she's Fred but there's just enough Illyria in there that you know Fred didn't just randomly come back? *kisses fingers* Bella! I think it was a bold artistic move to release a 44-minute song that's actually just a TV episode in radio play form, but a hit's a hit!

87) "Give it to Me," Timbaland ft./Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake

gosh has timbaland aged poorly! there's at least ten different things happening at any given point in this song, and what was unique albeit headache-inducing in 2007 is overly-busy and gross to hear in 2017. can you believe we ever liked this shit? like when people make fun of the mid-aughts' music, they're gonna do it with timbaland-style beats.

93) "1st Time," Yung Joc ft./Marques Houston & Trey Songz

I like, instead of thinking about this slow-ass song, imagining a world where Yung Joc accidentally booked Houston and Songz for the same session, so he just recorded this track with both of them on the hook, and when they both left the producer said "Yung Joc! What are we gonna do about 'Love Fire!'" or whatever the song Trey Songz was supposed to be on was called, and Yung Joc said, "Nah, we're just gonna do it without the feature," so somewhere out there there's a Yung Joc song that simply doesn't have a hook, or has a hook sung by like a janitor or something because all involved decided it was weird that there was just thirty seconds of instrumental between the verses.

94) "2 Step," Unk

What if this is a prequel to "Walk It Out?" Where Unk realizes that a full walk might be too advanced for his class, so he teaches them how to take two steps until they're ready to take on a full walk? This song observes the time-honored tradition of substituting loud for fun and hoping no one can tell the difference.

100) "Rock Yo Hips," Crime Mob ft./Lil Scrappy

This song's video started with a drumline walking across a bridge, and that made a promise this song broke. Why would you set expectations for a "Lose My Breath"-style beat just to dash them. What a waste.

3.03.2007 56) "Like a Star," Corinne Bailey Rae

This was pleasant background music for the article analyzing the upcoming NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament from a standpoint of which players are worthwhile NBA prospects to watch I chose to think about instead! Lonzo Ball, man, he has a really shitty sports dad, maybe not John Tomic bad but certainly Piotr Wozniacki bad, but if the dad calms the hell down, Lonzo's gonna be something else. Oh well this song's over, alright, that was sure nice. Good job, friend.

71) "Gravity," John Mayer

god but john mayer's worthless.

73) "High Maintenance Woman," Toby Keith

I mean, this song is kinda creepy, but it's also about a country boy with an unrequited crush on a city girl, and he's not like "I'ma take you to a cornfield and we're gonna listen to the music of the roosters," he's like, "Yeah, it's not gonna happen, and that sucks but oh well." The maintenance man never makes his pitch to the high maintenance woman, because it's clear: there's no way to bridge the gap between them. What a tragic tale.

75) "Flathead," The Fratellis

remember the post-punk revival that kicked off with modest mouse and franz ferdinand and the killers dropping fire tracks that sort of wound up being brit-rock band after brit-rock band trying their best at their own "take me out," and also the killers got mad pompous? what a terrible fad that was! the fratellis stand in for the zutons and razorlight and bloc party and kasabian and the feeling and all those gross shitty brit-rock bands that said "We can make 'Take Me Out' no problem!" and wasted everyone's goddamned time trying. ...okay i guess bloc party ended up making "I Still Remember," they're cool, but if you were a british rock band in the mid-aughts, you were making just the worst things.

90) "I'm a Flirt," Bow Wow or R. Kelly ft./T.I. & T-Pain

this is a really cool song about how r. kelly is going to hit on every single thing alive whether it (and it is strongly important i use "it" here, as this is surely in line with r. kelly's worldview) desires his advances or not, which is a really cool song for r. kelly to have made. t.i. appears on this song to remind us that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.

91) "Read My Mind," The Killers

"also the killers got mad pompous." ~me, like ten minutes ago (for me, maybe like seven seconds ago for y'all?). I think I'm trying to cram too much into a short amount of time, but man, it's been like ten songs since I've heard something I'm even a little into. I’m havin’ a rough go. As this man moans about how sad he is or whatever, I think back to that young outcast girl, trying to survive high school, and I enjoy her even more. Jordan Pruitt is the greatest artist of this or any generation, and her new album will be a balm for the world.

100) "Stand," Rascal Flatts

Like, here's the thing I forgot about songs forgotten by time: a lot of them deserve to have been forgotten! Our expedition to the past has thus far yielded a dope Vanessa Hudgens song, affirmed that I enjoy Modest Mouse, and has brought home treacly pop/country ballad after TREACLY POP/COUNTRY BALLAD. I have three weeks left. One of these weeks has "Girlfriend." I wanted to do this. I thought this would be a valuable use of my time. ...You're right, it's my fault for not just picking a random week to analyze the Hot 100 so I could have "Irreplaceable" waiting for me at the end. I'm talking about the songs of 2007, yet the rules I have in place prevent me from bringing up "Irreplaceable." Aaaaaaaag.

3.10.2007 72) "Break 'Em Off," Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe

At one point Lil' Keke says, "Buckle up the seatbelt," and I am glad that this song is committed to safety. Also "student loans on my tooth" is a timeless metaphor that I absolutely adore. I think I just spent four minutes with this beat and eventually kind of accepted that the "bwah bwah bwabwabwah" was a fact of life and rolled with it. "Student loans on my tooth." Bless this song.

84) "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')," T-Pain ft./Yung Joc

If I were T-Pain, I would be doing my best Serena Williams impression and tweeting out "I made you" every single time there's some news article about some sales record Future broke. Like, if you go back in time and play Future for someone who just heard "Rapper's Delight" for the first time, there's no way they'd be able to trace the evolutionary line from Sugarhill Gang to whatever they just heard, but you play "Draco" for someone in 2007 that just heard T-Pain for the first time, they could give a rough sketch, Auto-Tune becomes de rigeur and then some Kurt Cobain-like figure comes in and just bums everyone out. I have compared Future to Kurt Cobain when I'm supposed to be talking about this T-Pain song. T-Pain is the grandfather of modern music, is what I’m trying to say, and this song should be in a museum, as it is an essential piece of American history. Without songs like these, who knows if we ever get My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy?

88) "Circle," Marques Houston

This is alright enough! It holds my interest about as well as the average Adele song, so hey, way to earn this Adele comparison, friend! A wholly unregrettable four minutes! Honestly I'm just obsessed with these shots in the video of Marques Houston standing in the middle of a room surrounded by five pianists. I have so many questions about this particular creative choice. Why five? Why are they arranged so haphazardly? The song is called "Circle." The five pianos are arranged in two rows. That is curious! Did any of the girls know how to play piano? The hats: did you try to have your pianists wear other hats that did not work as well? Did you try any hatless shots? What a curious video.

90) "Keep Your Mind Wide Open," AnnaSophia Robb

Young woman, I have known Jordan Pruitt. You are no Jordan Pruitt. Jordan Pruitt would have turned this into a jam. And now I'm on the Bridge to Terabitihia (2007 film) Wikipedia and asking myself if Leslie was the original manic pixie dream girl, and, boy, is that ever a thought I have to live the rest of my life knowing I have had. (She was BTW. Oh just you wait I've got a real corker waiting once we get to Elliott Yamin's song.)

98) "Pop Lock and Drop It," Huey

/sigh/ I mean, it brought dance to the world. i hated listening to it, but nothing that puts more dance in the world is completely devoid of value.

99) "Long Trip Alone," Dierks Bentley

now, when i called the girl in bridge to terabitihia a manic pixie dream girl, know that, while i am assigning the designation based on a barely-remembered sixth-grade reading of the novel and a plot synopsis on wikipedia, i am using the phrase manic pixie dream girl in its original sense, that leslie is a character who only exists to show the damaged male character that he is still worthwhile and his life can still be filled with magic and wonderment. i am not using it to say "this is a female character i don't like," as has become common practice. also for the record, i know a Mary Sue is a character that exists as a vessel of wish fulfillment for the author, an over-powered character who gets too much to do and strains credulity. a Mary Sue is also not a female character i don't like. this song blows.

3.17.2007 5) "Girlfriend," Avril Lavigne

We didn't have to listen to this. What if we all had made "Don't Tell Me" or "My Happy Ending" just slightly bigger hits? Do the Powers That Be not get so desperate that they try to turn Avril into a cheerleader? It never had to be like this. We had the choice. We could have told Arista/RCA that we enjoyed our bratty mall-punk queen Avril just the way she was, and they didn't have to fuck with the formula. But we didn't, so they went ahead and made things o complicated, and we got this. This awful, awful thing. We should have recognized that Avril would be a thing until we stopped paying attention to her completely, and that if we ignored her she would only try to recapture our attention, but we just said "Eh, 'My Happy Ending' ain't that bad," because we are fools who believe in half-measures.

61) "Movin' On," Elliott Yamin

Elliott Yamin was the Bernie Sanders of season five of American Idol. Katharine McPhee was Hillary Clinton, the princess whose win the producers so clearly desired but was really boring and never really seized the moment at any point. Daughtry was Ted Cruz, the consummate professional who would've been a fine evil overlord had voters not found him so aloof, and Taylor Hicks was, of course, Donald Trump, the loud fuckbag who was complete trash but shouted the same catch-phrase a million times and beat himself into a certain segment of the American population's hearts, and then he won and delegitimized the whole enterprise. (American Idol before Hicks: Clarkson, Aiken, Fantasia, J-Hud, Underwood, Daughtry, McPhee, Yamin. American Idol after Hicks: Jordin Sparks’ 2008, ???.) Elliott Yamin was never going to win. He was too goofy, too different, there is no America in which Elliott Yamin is an Idol. But if you listened to him, it was clear he was the most talented, was the most forward-thinking, had the best chance of anyone at a Clarkson-esque career in pop music. Listen to this song! It's so fucking dope! It's the freshest jam I've heard since I don't know when, a song I absolutely love! I want to believe in an America that would believe in this song, but I know I can't, I could never trust America to vote for this dude. Also real talk Mandisa's more my speed. There is no analogue for Mandisa in the 2016 election. That was fucked up, what we did to Mandisa. Thank you for reading my American Idol thinkpiece.

74) "The Neighbor," Dixie Chicks

This is still a great song about a rage just a tad more passive-aggressive than that on display in "Not Ready to Make Nice," which this song essentially follows up. It's both about living with a neighbor who talked mad shit about you and about all the country dudes who probably called them horrible names after they spoke out about Bush. Like, "I mean. I live here, though? I'm not moving, dawg. Y'all can't just act like I don't live here." It's not a towering achievement in the field of revenge songs, but if I needed all songs to be "Not Ready to Make Nice," I wouln't be listening to other songs.

76) "Outta My System," Bow Wow ft./T-Pain & Johnta Austin

sure. i'm okay with the fact this song existed. y'all earned this B. i'm so bored i'm assigning grades.

81) "Like a Boy," Ciara

Hip-hop lost something when they stopped inviting Miri Ben-Ari to play violin on their songs instead of synthesizing strings. That said, this is the first song in a good long while that I think we slept on. I won't assign forgotten classic status, it's a tad over-dramatic and there's always something just a bit intangible (of course it's intangible it's a song) shut up, there's just something that always feels missing from a Ciara song, always feels like the ingredients are all present but there's some spice or another that the dish could have used, and my palette isn't quite refined enough to identify exactly what's missing but something in that pantry could have sent this bad boy to the moon. (I didn't want to say Flavor Town and thus lost control of the metaphor.) It's surprisingly good! It's fine if you don't check it out tho all of us will be OK if you don't.

83) "Home," Daughtry

I can't imagine ever having a strong opinion about this song.

84) "Because of You," Ne-Yo

the bass note that plays once every measure is such a fucking miracle, that tiny little "ba-doom" is just pure, like the choice to put that thing in this song is the strongest argument i've ever heard for the christian god. might could be i see what's next and am holding onto this with all my heart. ne-yo is worthy of all my heart, tho. there is no such thing as a bad ne-yo song, he even took piles' "bust it baby pt. 2" to the stratosphere, and that song contains the single-worst lyric in music history. our lives are emptier without him.

89) "Freak on a Leash (Unplugged)," Ko[backwards R]n ft./Amy Lee

i'm not gonna blame 2007 for this one. this is 1999 reaching its wretched hand through the ground and trying to pull us all down to its hell. "THEY GOT AMY LEE!" KEEP RUNNING. "WE HAVE TO SAVE HER!" SHE’S GONE! “WE HA --” BEN SHE’S FUCKING GONE AND WE HAVE TO KEEP RUNNING

91) "Look After You," The Fray

I mean yeah sure. a fine job you did with the thing you always are.

95) "Better Than Me," Hinder

WERE WE ALL AWARE THAT ICE-T HAD A METAL BAND?! So, okay, I was listening to "Better Than Me" and wondering what the shit I was supposed to say about this grossness, but then YouTube said the band Body Count had a single called "No Lives Matter," and the part of me that watches films like The Room said, "Oh, that's gonna be a bad time." I clicked away from Hinder's tripe because I needed to see what this band related to Hinder was doing with a song called "No Lives Matter." I was expecting a regrettable nu-metal jam about the meaningless of life, a version of "In the End" with the worst imaginable song title, and then Ice-T started monologuing on how bullshit All Lives Matter-ass white folks are, and I thought, okay, sure, that's Ice-T, that's a get, I guess whatever the fuck Body Count is is cognizant of social issues, and THEN THE SONG STARTED AND IT WENT HARD AS FUCK AND ICE-T WAS SCREAMING ABOUT RACISM AND I AM SO INTO THIS FUCKING SONG. So I guess I found something worthwhile about "Better Than Me:" inputting it into your watch history causes the YouTube algorithm to recommend SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS THRASHER ANTHEMS for you!

96) "Last Dollar (Fly Away)," Tim McGraw

if tim mcgraw has ever been down to his last dollar someone somewhere deeply fucked up. "i've worn right through my shoes." JUST BUY NEW SHOES. YOU ARE WORTH $140M. YOU CAN FUCKING AFFORD NEW SHOES. man these rap songs in the project have been kinda shitty, but at least they're aspirational. they're all about dudes who wanna drive fancy cars and drink expensive liquors and wear ostentatious chains. they're not millionaires pretending to be farmers, they're real-ass people with real-ass dreams. this is trash.

3.24.2007 91) "Good Directions," Billy Currington

"I was sittin' there sellin' turnips in a flatbed truck" WERE YOU? WERE YOU?!

93) "Teardrops on My Guitar," Tay Tay

I'm going to bring up my girl Jordan Pruitt because she provides a fascinating counterpoint to "Teardrops on My Guitar." Because honestly there isn't much separating the two women. Jordan Pruitt has the slightly better singing voice, Tay Tay had a defter handle on songwriting, but they’re pretty similar in all other respects. I think it helps that Tay Tay went country. Writing a song about one specific boy would've been laughed out of the pop world, but country is all about specificity. The worthlessness of "Good Directions" is now instructive -- he's not a farmer, he's specifically a turnip farmer. You don't go to the gas station to ask for directions, you go to the Mama Raymond's store under the big Coke sign. (Her name wasn't Mama Raymond but I don't care to look it up.) Likewise, "Teardrops on My Guitar" mentions that boy Drew. She's not just crying, she's crying while playing guitar. And because her first song was called "Tim McGraw" and "Picture to Burn" has a fiddle, this is a country song, even though this is pop as fuck, honestly one of the most redundant things in the world is the pop remix of this song. Which isn't to suggest that the only thing that kept Jordan Pruitt from mega-stardom is that she never picked up a banjo, of fucking COURSE it's not just that. Tay Tay is Tay Tay because a dozen people (including Tay Tay) created a plan to make Tay Tay Tay Tay, and it was executed flawlessly, not a hitch at all until Kim Kardashian said, "No, honey, let me record this call, trust me, you KNOW she's gonna wanna try some bullshit." Without knowing the grand plan for Jordan Pruitt, I believe that plan culminated with her getting a Hot 100 hit and everyone jumping for joy because they were so proud. But still: Jordan Pruitt wasn’t that far from being Tay Tay. “Teardrops on My Guitar” is a bad song, and "Outside Looking In" and "Jump to the Rhythm" were a little generic but somewhat jams, if just one little thing had changed I’m being hard on “Jump to the Rhythm” because that’s the birth of the titan and going easy on “Teardrops on My Guitar” because there’s no way a barely-famous Tay Tay doesn’t spend her free time self-searching, but, I mean, that's what life is, y'know? Martha MacIsaacs sells one of the five funniest lines in Superbad, but Emma Stone wins the Oscar for Best Actress.

95) "Please Don't Go," Tank

...So. Okay. Tank begins by saying that his girlfriend found a list of numbers in his car. That seems like a weird place to keep your list of numbers. Were you at least keeping them in the glove box? That wouldn't have been the safest place to keep that list, but hey, how often is your girl gonna need fast food napkins? Then he says his girl called all the ones he marked with a star, and OK, Tank, my man, my boy, that's a really fucking stupid thing you did. "Ah! What a nice session of sexual intercourse that was with my latest paramour! And now, as is custom, I shall mark the occasion by drawing a fun little star next to her name! I hope my girlfriend doesn't find this list of girls I think are hot with the ones I've fucked starred! That would be the end of the relationship!" And then he asks, "Fellas, tell me why, how come we're always doing wrong?" WE?! WHO IS THIS WE?! OH DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE IMPLICATE ME IN THIS ONE, TANK. THIS ONE'S ALL YOU, STARBOY. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OUT HERE TRYING TO RUN THE DUMBEST FUCKING GAME IMAGINABLE. It's like someone heard John Legend's "Number One" and said, "What if we made it completely serious? Tongue nowhere near cheek, no one winks at all, just a cheating jerkhole with zero redeeming qualities?" What a way to end this first entry. I thought this was just gonna be bad! Nope: notably bad!

So now, the Top 20 for 2007: 20) "Glamorous," by Fergie ft./Ludacris (1.27.2007) 19) "The Neighbor," by Dixie Chicks (3.17.2007) 18) "Outside Looking In," by Jordan Pruitt (2.24.2007) 17) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 16) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 15) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 14) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 13) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 12) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 11) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 10) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 9) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) It’s hard to say which year is better. I think the Top 5 of 2007 pummels the Top 5 of 2017; I love “Issues” and “Green Light” and “Despacito” and “iSpy” and “Run Up,” but like “Candyman” dawg. But 2017 so far maintains an A-/B+ level from 1-20, and 2007 falls apart after #11. “Glamorous” made the Top 20. If you pull a group of 78 random songs, and “Glamorous” can be said to have a place as one of the 20 best in that group, on the whole, you have a shitty group of songs, I don’t care how many versions of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” are in there. 2017 gets the edge, but we know 2007′s got a few classics headin’ our way. 2007 will deliver "Thnks fr the Mmrs,” “Stronger,” “International Player’s Anthem,” and High School Musical 2. All we know we’re getting from 2017 is 10 more Ed Sheeran songs.

(will 1997 and 1987 and all the other 7s make it to this party?) no because that sounds like a lot of work and frankly i’m not into that (isn’t this project borne out of an overabundance of free time tho) ...goddamnit i’m going to do it aren’t i

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foodselfiesandstuffblog · 8 years ago

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Fader: Remy Ma Never Rests

Everyone around Remy Ma says she’s never been better, but she isn’t convinced. “I have people like my husband and Joe and the Cool & Dres and the DJ Khaleds being like, ‘Omg you’re phenomenal. You were good before but now...’ and I’m just like, whatever,” she says over the phone from New York, feigning annoyance but unable to stifle a laugh. “I feel like I was as good then as I am now; y'all buggin’.” One of the most formidable rappers in the tri-state area and beyond, Remy is indeed as sharp today as she was when she guested on Big Pun’s posthumous 2000 album Yeeeah Baby or when she stole the show on the 2004 chart-topping Terror Squad cut “Lean Back.”

In the 18 months since serving an eight-year sentence at New York’s Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women, she’s ripped through remixes of Dej Loaf’s “Try Me” and Phresher’s “Wait a Minute” with punch-heavy bars, and earned two Grammy nominations for the breakout hit “All the Way Up.” Her dedication is clear: in summer 2014 she was back in the studio just hours after being released from prison; she skipped her honeymoon to record a banger; and now just months later is gearing up to release Plato O Plomo, her collaborative album with Fat Joe. Mostly celebratory, the record mixes raucous turn-up anthems with more R&B- and island-tinged escapist jams. In a way, it is both the epilogue to her prison term and a prelude to a more personal, forthcoming solo record that recounts the story of those days on the inside, removed from her family and surrounded by women “abandoned” by the outside. In the interview below, Remy opens up about reconnecting with her Terror Squad roots, fighting for prison reform and awareness, and prepping a sophomore album about the seasons she lost.

What prompted you and Joe to come together and do this album now? It feels like a full circle moment?

I think it was just time. I was doing my own thing. I've been gone for a while. He's kind of been on hiatus for a little while. But one day we had done a performance together in the Bronx. That was probably the first performance we did in I don't know how many years. And the response from the crowd was just so crazy. I was just like, "You know what, maybe we should give this a try. Let's just see what happens." It was like a shot in the dark type of thing: We'll go in the studio, we'll record some songs, and if it comes out dope then we'll go from there. It can't go halfway, it can't be alright, it can't be okay. It has to be crazy because the last thing that people heard us on together was "Lean Back," which was Grammy nominated. So we have to be at least up to that par. We went in the studio and we started recording and it was just coming out amazing. Actually, the first song that we recorded together was "All the Way Up."

Some people might expect the album to be 12 versions of "All the Way Up," but there are a lot of different sounds and ideas on it. Did you guys have an agenda when you made it?

It wasn't even like we were trying to do a lot of different things. It was just that was the way it came out, and we took the best of the best. It was executive produced by Cool & Dre, who are like geniuses as far as I'm concerned. I've been working with them since I was young. As they cranked them out on the production side, we just went in and did what we did.

Fat Joe, what I can say about him — what people in the industry but not too many fans know, his ear for good music is like none other. He can smell a hit a mile away. Me, I don't have the patience. I cannot sit there and listen to a hundred million beats. He will sit there and listen to beat after beat after beat until he sniffs it out like a bloodhound. So that process took a little long. I give him all the credit. He sat in the studio and listened to beats for months. The whole summer and maybe even some of the fall. He was going to clubs seeing what songs was popping, trying to see what people was really feeling, what the vibe was and once he picked all the production and things like that we went in there and we probably spent like two weeks, three weeks tops, and laid vocals down. And that's how we've always worked, even when we did the Terror Squad album. The one that I was on — True Story that had "Lean Back" and "Take Me Home" — we did that the same way. We picked the production, then flew down to Miami for like two weeks. And it's crazy because it seems like a fast process, but when we're in there we're just locked in the whole time.

You've been in the game a while now. How would you say your music is different now than it was when you started, or even than it was even a decade ago?

You know what, it's weird because due to the timing of when I first did my verse on Pun's album to now, yes, that's a long time. But there was an eight year period in the middle of all of that where I couldn't put out no music at all, period. So, to me, everything is still fresh and new. I only have one solo album under my belt. This is just the third album that I've even worked on. I feel like I missed so much. As far as how much I've changed, I think everything is just growth. I feel like I'm as good as I was then, but then I have people like my husband and Joe and the Cool & Dres and the DJ Khaleds being like, "Omg you're phenomenal. You were good before but..." and I'm just like yeah, whatever. I feel like I was as good then as I am now, y'all buggin'. But apparently, they all think I'm much better now. I don't know if I should take it as a compliment or what. But if I never put out another record or album in my life, I'd still record music. That's just in me.

“Everybody always tries to pit women against each other. But I feel like we’re so different. We aren’t even in the same lane at all, period.”

How do you view your role in music now? You've always called yourself the "Queen of New York," but it seems you're talking bigger now, and taking more shots.

Every artists has that braggadocios streak in them. I've always felt like, when it comes to this rapping, I think I'm the best. And I say "Queen," but god-honest, put my life on it, I feel like I'm better than a lot of guys. I hate that there are instances where I just get compared to females. And that's not just for me, I feel like there are other females that are better than some of the guys. I just tend to think that I'm better than a lot of the guys. I feel like it's time to stop all of this "she's dope for a female" shit. Nah. Stop playin'. My pen has never been questioned.

Anybody can get it. That's how I be on it. If you listen to my old mixtapes, if I ever had a problem with any female or anything ever in life, I will say your name. But I'm not just gonna go and come at somebody just to do it. Even when I first came out I never felt like in order to get on I had to tear down this female or that female. I've never done that in my life. But the problem is, there's only been one person reigning for so long, so any time I say anything it's, "Oh, she gotta be talking about this person." I'm open to working with anybody and I don't have any problems with anybody. I don't want no problems with anybody. I'm very happy and I'm in a good space in my life, and I don't want anyone to feel like I'm ever coming at them. That's that.

Everybody always tries to pit women against each other. They make it seem like there can only be one female at a time. But I feel like we're so different. We aren't even in the same lane at all, period. We are on total different ends of the spectrum. But whatever.

How has your life changed post-prison? How has your outlook changed?

Well, I would definitely say I'm not as reckless as I used to be. Would've probably been totally different ten years ago. I'm a little bit smarter now, and more worried about my business. Before, when I was young, I just wanted to be the best rapper. I didn't care about all the other stuff, I just wanted them to be like "shorty is dumb nice, she's crazy." Now, it's not even about that. I think differently now. I don't even care about the things I used to care about. And I think that's something that just happens with growth. I'm not 25 years old anymore. I don't think like a 25-year-old. Before I was like, I just want to put out this mixtape. I just want the streets to hear this. I just did this freestyle, it's crazy. But bruh, a mixtape is free. I'm not doing that shit anymore, really.

“I’ve met women that haven’t seen their children in a decade that live 40 minutes from them. Women who have husbands that they haven’t seen since they got incarcerated 20 years ago. Women whose friends have signed them off as a loss.”

Can we talk a bit about the prison system for a bit because you've talked a lot the past few months — and just in general — about women, particularly black women, being abandoned in prison, and just the way that the system is totally corrupt.

Well, first let me say, people be like, you're out of jail now — and by people, I mean idiots on social media who just type because they have fingers — why do you talk about prison so much? I'm almost positive I have some type of PTSD. I really went through a traumatic experience. Almost a decade of my life was consumed by the prison system. Of the past 15 years [as a rapper], I've spent most of that time in prison as opposed to the "free world," so I don't think I'm going to forget any of the things I went through, and I still have people that I have learned to care about that are there, and will probably end up having to spend the rest of their life there. So, if I can do anything or create any type of awareness — because honestly I know I didn't even know.

Prior to me actually being there, I didn't know any women that went to prison. So I've gotten to meet women that haven't seen their children in a decade that live 40 minutes from them. Women who have husbands that they haven't seen since they got incarcerated 20 years ago. Women whose friends have signed them off as a loss. And it was even more hurtful because I had such a strong support team in my husband who visited me every single day the first year, and then every year after that as much as he possibly could. And I had a visit every single day. So any day — in a prison of 900 to 1000 women — I would be down there with a visit and there would be like two or three other people. There was times where I was on a visit and I was the only person that had one. These are people that have husbands and mothers and sisters and children.

And it was so sad to me because I've been to visit floors at male facilities, and it is so crowded that they cut visits short so that the next people can come in. It's so crazy. You'll have girlfriends and baby mamas and pen pals and friends. People with babies and strollers and packages. And most of the visitors there were women. But when it came to the women it was like tumbleweeds blowing through the visiting floor. And I just didn't understand, especially coming from a community where women are the heads of a lot of households. These households are held together by women. The backbones of these families are women because a lot of the men are either gone or in prison for that matter, so seeing these women thrown away like trash just bothered me. Even as I'm going through this ordeal, I can see my children or my husband — there are these women around me who have it way worse. And statistics show women get harsher sentences than men for the same crimes committed. And seeing it firsthand was just really sad.

There's too much room for opinion in something that determines people's lives. One of the guys in the Bobby Shmurda GS9 case ended up with 117 years, and the headline said he was originally offered a 15 year plea deal that he rejected. Okay, I don't know what his case is, I don't know what he did, what was his charges, or whatever. The point that sticks out to me is if you offer me 15 years, how regardless of what happened at that trial do we end up at 117? How? That's life. This is what I be talking about. That doesn't make sense. If I commit a crime that warrants 15 years and you're willing to give me 15 years, that's it. There's no way after trail I should end up with 117 years. And I'm very passionate about it. Not just because I lived it but because I've seen it. When you're in there seven years you get to hear so many different stories, and it's disgusting the way this country operates off the prison system. We have the most people incarcerated out of every country in the entire world. Countries that have five and ten times as many people as we do have less people incarcerated. Why is that?

“When you’re in prison, they do a go-around every hour in the middle of the night, just to make sure that everyone is alive. And I still wake up now. I do not sleep through the whole night.”

What do you think it's going to take to fix the system? Is it even possible?

The first thing has to be the deprivatization. We have to end the private prison system. If you have something that is ran for a profit, and I invest 10 million into a prison, I'm not going to make any money off that prison if I don't have any prisoners in it. That creates a motive to incarcerate people. That's one thing.

The second thing: there are certain rules where once you have a felony or you're on parole or anything like that you can't vote. What does me being on parole have to do with voting? If you're in prison, you can't vote. If you're in prison, your right to vote has been revoked. But these are the people that are making the laws. I can't vote and these are the people that are making the laws that effect my life. If you have a felony, you can run for certain offices, you can't have certain jobs. You can't own certain businesses. And when you look at the majority of people in prisons, they're minorities. So who is this really stopping from voting? Who is this really keeping out of certain jobs? So there's so much that has to be changed, and I don't even know where we have to begin because they all go hand-in-hand. This system has to be attacked on so many different levels through so many different outlets just to get it right.

And it can't be, Oh, if you did this crime, you get anywhere from 5-25 years. Five years and 25 years is a big difference. I know that if I do something and I get five years for it and somebody else does it and they get a year, I'm going to feel some type of way. The guidelines are too large. They've done an excellent job sabotaging things.

So much of it is racially motivated, too.

Absolutely. It's racially motivated. It's financially motivated. You can be the wrong color, but if you have the right amount of money at the right time you might be good. If you get caught in an election year, it's over for you. That's kind of what happened to me. So they had to act like they were cracking down on crime and all this stuff. It's crazy because I can count numerous times I went to court and it'd be me, Ja Rule, Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne, like literally we all would have court on the exact same day. That's no coincidence. We get there and the news outlets would be there, TMZ would be there, the [New York] Daily News and every one of us ended up doing time except Busta, he got a crazy fine. Ja got a couple of years, Wayne got a year, and I ended up with the most. It was just a bad time to be doing anything at that time, and that's how it is sometimes.

There's actually a line from "Dreaming" on the new record where you say something like "Used to be in a cell dreaming of home/ Now I'm at home dreaming of a cell." That's one of my favorite lines from the record. Can you talk about the idea behind that?

It's crazy because I would be in jail and I would have dreams that I was home. They would be so real and so vivid, and I would wake up and be in this stinking-ass cell. I would literally start crying because that's how real it would get, and I wanted to go home so bad. And now that I'm home, finally after all of these years, I spent so much time there that it haunts me. I have dreams — while I'm in bed with my husband, my son and my daughter in the next room and I just finished performing or whatever is going on — and I will have nightmares that I'm in jail, and they seem just as real as the dreams would feel when I was in jail. I have dreams that I'm still in prison and it's horrible. You would think that it makes sense to be in prison and you dream that you're home, but I never thought for a second that I would be home and still seeing that place.

When you're in prison, they do a go-around every hour in the middle of the night — an officer on duty goes around just to make sure that everyone is alive. At 5 a.m. they do what's called a live body count where you actually have to move. So, whenever they would walk around every hour it would wake me up. And I still wake up. I literally wake up almost every hour now. I do not sleep through the whole night.

Prison affects everything. That's why me even sitting here sitting here talking to you and being able to be successful and take care of my family — that's not normal. Like, I know that I am super blessed and God has shined some other type of light on me. All of the people I know — like some of them haven't even did half the time I did — they aren't doing good. You can't get a job. Everywhere you go you're labeled this felon. And you have to put it on there, and if you don't put it on there when they find out, you get fired. You can't get a new place to live because that's a question that they ask on your housing application. And in many cases whatever support system you had is gone. It's just like starting from scratch but with all these strikes against you.

“Prison affects everything. That’s why me even sitting here sitting here talking to you and being able to be successful and take care of my family — that’s not normal.”

Last year, you said you had a solo album that was coming out called Seven Winters and Six Summers, and that it had writing from your time in prison. Is that still happening? What can we expect from that release?

The title is still Seven Winters and Six Summers. That's exactly the time that I was gone. I would count my time where my window was. Where my cell was you could always see the trees. So when the trees were bare, I'd be like, just five more times I gotta see these leaves blow off the trees, five more winters and I can go home.

I wrote when I was there, and when I let certain people hear it they'd be like, "You gotta put this out." But I wanted to keep it so I could go to that place. Like, I can never write from that place again. You literally have to be there to do that.

All of the raps for the collab with Joe were written in the studio. That's usually what I do. I'll wait until the day I'm in the studio, even if I have the beat for a month. If have it that long and I write that long ahead of time, I'm going to change it a thousand times. So, I usually just go right in a write it that day. But with this project, for one, it's going to be my sophomore album, and two, it's talking about something that it's very important to me to get it right. So, I wanted to be able to keep these thoughts.

There's a wave that you're on when you're away. You start appreciating the people in your life and reflecting on the hardships in your life. You realize all the things that could've been or may not have been. You have so much time to think. I wasn't drinking. I wasn't smoking. I had all this time to myself and it's the most clear your brain can ever be. There's no way I could ever try to duplicate the feeling that I had in there. It was the same way when I was inside: I couldn't write rhymes about being out. I wouldn't have been able to write "All the Way Up" when I was in prison. You just don't feel like that. You feel like shit. People would be like, "I know you in there writing something crazy." And I'm just like, what? First of all, you don't have all this free time. Second of all, you feel horrible. It is the worst mind-state to ever be in. There's no creativity in there. You're drained.

If you could go back, knowing what you know now, and tell '06 Remy anything, what would you tell her now?

You know what. I would just tell her treat your music and your career like your job. I'd treat it like a job. Then it was just like fun. And I tell this to any artist that I meet that hasn't really been through anything like that. I tell them, "This is your job." If you worked at a office — a blue collar job — would you bring all of your friends and your family members to hang out in the break room? Would they come to your office parties? No. Only the people that work there go. That's what I would do. I would definitely tell her to take this serious. This is not for everybody. You can't try to give your blessing to somebody else. Only God can give a blessing.

This article was written by Sheldon Pearce and published in Fader Magazine.

#Remy Ma #Prison Industrial Complex #Fat Joe #Papoose

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