#I am insane about his birthday being only 9 days apart from mine and I don’t think that is a good thing !!!!!

[mockingjaylad]

Happy birthday to the biggest freak ever !!! As a treat he gets to be miserable ^_^

Real birthday post I love him I swaer i want to squish him

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 17

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i know some of you were sort of waiting for that soooo here it is! PLEASE let me know what you think!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i added a few but some im not posting the screenshots of because i didnt add everything in the ask so it felt weird to add them. it was tough to add requests tho because I sort of had something planned. i hope you enjoy it anyway :)

Chapter 17 : His chapter

NIALL

I hadn't heard from Olivia in days but I was not really surprised. Apparently, her fiance (and trust me when I said I hated that word) had came back for a few days and she had without a doubt spent all her time with him. I was so mad when Harry told me about it that I actually initiated sex with my girlfriend, which was something I hadn't done in a very long time. I hated to think about Olivia with him. In fact, I hated to think about Olivia with anyone that was not me, and it was driving me a bit insane. Who would have thought my best friend would give me all these feelings? I wouldn't have guessed that back then, when we were kids.

I was the first one to sit at the restaurant as I waited for everyone to be there. It was sunday morning and we all had decided to have brunch together. I was not really in the mood but at least, it made me get out of the house, if only for a few hours. Even Heidi, whom I almost broke up with about 5 times in the past 2 days, couldn't handle being around me too much. I was still pissed at her and I knew she could feel it but somehow, I felt like she held me responsible for everything that had happened, like me being mad at her for what she did gave her the right to be mad at me.

Of course, I was not completely innocent in all of this and the fact that Olivia and I had kissed and more should make me feel guilty but it didn't. We were supposed to be together so why were we still apart and dating other people?

Louis and Eleanor were the first ones to join me, followed by Julie and Liam. We started talking about what we would do for Harry's birthday when I felt her presence behind me. It was a mix of the connection we had, and the way she smelled like, that always made me know when she was around and I started wondering if she could sense when I was near, too. It's only when she took a seat that something stirred in my stomach. Her boyfriend was there too and he was doing everything he could not to look at me. It made me frown and suddenly, I realized that she probably told him everything. It shouldn't surprise me, she was not the kind to keep things from people or even worse, lie, but I thought it was something that only belonged to us and it bothered me to know that she shared it with someone else, even if that someone else was the boyfriend she was cheating on. He was also still there, with her, making me think he had forgiven her, which was some crazy level of bullshit.

I tried to have fun and chat with everyone but I couldn't help but keep glancing at Olivia. She didn't seem at ease and I was not even sure why she had decided to come. She didn't enjoy that kind of confrontation and awkward moments normally and once again, I guessed that Dylan was probably the one who had convinced her to come.

I knew everyone was having fun but I was not and when everyone was done eating and were just chatting and laughing, I got up and said my goodbyes. They were short and I had a hard time to fake a smile but I still sent one last glance to my ex girlfriend before leaving.

I was searching for the right key on my chain when I noticed someone from the corner of my eyes and immediately hoped it was Olivia. When I turned my head, however, I noticed Dylan walking towards me and I was wondering if he was just going to throw his fist in my face. I didn't know what kind of guy he was, and although I felt like my ex girlfriend couldn't pick a violent guy, I also didn't know what a man who was cheated on could do.

"Hey man," he started, standing in front of me with a small frown before sighing. "Look, i'm not sure how to tell you that but, I know there's something between you and my girlfriend."

I stood there in silence, not really knowing what he expected from me. Was I supposed to agree? Apologize? Try to explain myself?

"I love her, you know."

I kept a straight face but my heart jumped in my chest. I loved her too. I was in love with her, but I couldn't tell him that, even if I was dying to.

"I know."

"Just," he passed his hand nervously in his hair. "I don't know how to ask you not to ruin this."

I stared at him for a few seconds, trying to let his words sink in and I started feeling bad. Not because I felt guilty for trying to get my ex girlfriend back, but because It was not the first time someone was asking me not to ruin something. I knew I could lie to him but I was not going to.

"I don't intend to ruin your relationship." I just pointed out in a low tone. "But is that really what you want? You want to marry a girl who's not completely yours?"

He sighed and glanced down before looking up in my eyes.

"If you were me, wouldn't you try anyway?"

This time, I had to admit that I was speechless and I just sighed too. Of course I would. If I was in his shoes, I would probably try to keep her, too, which is something I should have done over a year ago instead. If I had, we wouldn't be stuck in this mess.

I ended up just nodding and he did the same before turning around and leaving. I waited until he was back inside to get in my car and closed my eyes, breathing in and out deeply. I couldn't get myself to give up about Olivia, even if I knew she would be happy with Dylan, even if I knew it would hurt him and probably Heidi in the process, even if it would make an even bigger mess in our lives. I hit my wheel once and then a few more times a bit harder, hitting also the honk by accident. It was getting ridiculous and I knew that whatever was going to be decided needed to happen very soon.

I drove home and waited. I didn't want to be the first one to reach out, I thought that time, she was the one who had to call me and I waited.

It was a random thursday afternoon when I got her text message. The truth was, I was sitting in front of the tv but I was not really watching it. I had picked a netflix show that I was not really interested in just because I knew I was not able to focus on anything but when I put it on pause, I realized it would now probably suggest me a bunch of boring tv shows and I sighed, grabbing my phone. I could pretend I was not happy to get a message from her but i'd be lying. I could even try to say I tossed my phone away and kept on watching my stupid show but in reality, my heart had skipped a beat and I had re-read her words about ten times.

'Can we talk? I miss you.'

I blinked a few times, a bit surprised and annoyed by her words, and pressed my lips together in anger. Did she really just message me as if I hadn't stormed out of her place the last time we talked to each other? As if she hadn't asked me not to break up with my girlfriend after pointing out she was still getting married despite everything that had happened between us? As if she hadn't ignored me at the restaurant? I wanted to text her back to remind her that I was pissed and let her know she needed to stop toying with me. Instead, I decided to do it face to face.

'Where?'

I was expecting her to choose between her place of mine but instead, she asked me to meet her in a park and it made me frown. I got up and grabbed my keys and wallet, but kept my sweatpants and t-shirt. I had been quite lazy in the past few days and I didn't even give a fuck.

The drive seemed long but it was probably just because I was impatient and when I saw her, waiting for me on a bench, I stopped walking and inhaled deeply before sighing again. She looked good and I had missed her. The anger I felt so strongly for her now seemed more like annoyance or pain and I didn't feel like being rude to her anymore. I pushed my hands in my pockets, my eyes never leaving her, as hers were traveling around her. She could have been on her phone like most people would but instead, she was looking at kids running, people having picnics and most of all, at dogs walking by. I noticed her lips curling slightly every time one was near and it made me smile a bit, too. It's only when her eyes moved on me that I smiled more and I noticed that she did too. Why was it always so strong when we were near each other? I walked to her and sat a bit farther on the bench, making sure we wouldn't touch. She turned slightly to face me as I leaned against the back of the bench. placing my arm on it too, my hand very close to her shoulder now.

"I'm here now." I just said, my smile faltering a bit. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I'm sorry for what I did, Niall. I'm sorry for what I said, too." she let out, surprising me a bit. "Of course what happened between us matters. It's... it's all that matters, or almost."

She sighed and I stared at her as she looked down at her hands. She started playing with her fingers nervously and licked her lips but I remained silent.

"I asked to meet here so we wouldn't be tempted to just throw ourselves at each other instead to talk. Because that's all we do, you know? We flirt and we kiss and we touch but we have no idea what to do with our feelings."

I moved slightly closer to her and bent down a bit as my hand gripped the back of the bench tightly. It caught her attention and she looked up, her traits softening immediately when our eyes met.

"I love you and you love me." I whispered firmly, my eyes dropping to her lips before moving back to her eyes. "You love me more than you love him. We're meant to be."

Those were not even questions, they were facts, and somehow, I could feel that she thought the same thing. Her lips parted and I realized that I was in her vital space and despite how rational and private I was, that made me want to kiss her. Whenever we were at very short distance of each other, we were attracted to each other like magnets.

I pressed my lips together but it took me all my strength to move back a bit, making sure I wouldn't just kiss her right there, in the middle of a discussion.

"I know you want me to break things with Dylan, I'm just... Niall I'm not sure I trust you." she looked up and I saw she was tearing up. "You used to be the only person I really trusted and now? I don't know, Niall.."

"I know I've hurt you, I know I've broken your trust, but we deserve an other chance don't you think?"

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard but when she looked at me again, a tear fell from her right eye and she quickly wiped it.

"What exactly do you want, Niall?" she asked, sniffing.

"You! I want you!" I expressed a bit louder. "It's your heart I want Olivia!"

"Why? So you can break it again? Shatter it in pieces? Stomp on it?" she let out, her face twisting in pain. "Because I won't survive this an other time, Niall!"

"I would nev-"

"You'd never do that?" she cut me quickly. "Because I used to believe you'd never break my heart and then you did. So I'm just supposed to let go of the only guy who's ready to drop everything for me, for a guy who broke me before?"

"Who says i'm not ready to give up everything for you?"

We stayed in silence for a long time, just looking at each other as people laughed, talked and ran around us. We were the only static alive things in the park. Even the trees moved due to the small breeze and I focused on her parted lips and how she looked wordless because of my question.

"I need time." her voice was so low it was almost inaudible and I just nodded, feeling my heart twist in my chest. "I'm sorry again for the other day. I should have ran after you."

"I should have called you back then. I should have tried to get in contact with you. I should have told you that I missed you, that I still wanted you in my life. I should have told you my album was about you." I let out before taking a short pause. "I shouldn't have broken up with you."

Her head tilted and the left corner of her lips moved up a bit.

"And I should kiss you right now."

"But you won't." I just let out low.

"I won't."

I nodded and sighed, finally looking away.

"I'll give you all the time you need." I gave in, knowing I was going to have to be very patient. "But even if I understand your reluctance, I love you, and I hope you can trust me again."

I felt her fingertips brush on the top of my hand that was still gripping the back of the bench and held my breath at the feeling of her skin against mine.

"Me too."

                                                    ----

We decided to do the party at Louis and Olivia's and for some reason, I liked that idea. We had fooled Harry with the surprise by throwing colorful balloons at him and screaming 'Happy Birthday!" when he walked by the door and it was probably the cheesiest thing we ever did. Of course, Louis had proposed to play a prank on him where we would all ignore him all day but from what I had understood, Olivia had voted against it and apparently, she had a veto power or something.

"Who drank all the beer?" Louis asked in a loud voice after dinner. "I'm tired to drink your expensive wine, Livi, I want cheap beer and some nachos!"

"You are the most annoying person ever!" Olivia let out, rolling her eyes, before turning to Eleanor. "I don't know how you do it!"

El laughed as Louis glared at my ex girlfriend. "You're the one who lives with him!"

"Not for long again."

I frowned again and moved my chin in her direction. "Are you moving out?"

"No, Louis and I are going to move in together." Eleanor replied with a large smile as Olivia walked up to me.

She opened her lips to say something but Eleanor talked again and caught her attention.

"Did you drink? We could go buy beers maybe? Just so he shuts up!"

"Heyyy, I heard that!" Louis pointed out as El wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I can drive, no problem, I just had a glass of wine before dinner." Olivia shrugged, grabbing her hoodie and looking for her keys.

I wanted to propose to go with her but I knew it was a bad idea. Besides, Julie and Eleanor just grabbed their stuff and all the girls left, leaving me with Harry, Liam and a tipsy Louis. I don't know how the discussion turned from Harry being extra single at the moment to sexual encounters but I kept glancing by the window to see when they'd actually come back.

"I swear, that girl was crazy. She had me buy a whip and stuff." Harry rolled his eyes. "A real one too, like, it was insane."

"Don't even try, I bet you loved it. You're the kind of guy that makes us want to believe he's a dom but he's just really a sub." Louis laughed, raising his nose up with amusement. "The best kind of sex is just that first time you push yourself inside a girl that you've wanted for a long time. That my friend, is what bliss is all about."

"Or you know, a fucking good blowjob." Liam let out, making all of us laugh.

"I love when the girl lets me be a bit rough with her." Louis just added with a sly smile.

"Yea, Olivia loved a bit of a spank." Harry laughed, making me frown immediately.

I didn't like hearing about my ex girlfriend having sex with anyone, as hypocrite as it could sound. I also didn't want to be reminded that they fucked and dated, and most of all, it seemed extremely inappropriate to talk about one of our friends like that. Friend who could walk by the door at any moment.

"Oh yea, and a light choke, too."

This time, I frowned even more and turned to Louis who was laughing.

"And how exactly do you know that?" I asked a bit rudely, making him look at me.

"Relax, mate. She told me." he just explained with a shrug.

"So you never had sex with her?" I insisted just as meanly as the room fell silent. Everyone turned to Louis who remained motionless for a few seconds before clearing his throat and taking the cigarette he had placed behind his ear to light it up. I didn't really think they had but he knew so many things about her that it bothered me.

"Niall, come on."

His answer made my heart jump so high in my chest that I thought I was going to puke. If he hadn't had sex with her, he would have just said that, right?

"Did you fucking have sex with my girlfriend, Tomlinson?" I asked a bit louder, getting up quickly.

"EX girlfriend, Niall!" Louis frowned, getting up too, before pushing the smoke out of his lungs quickly. "You two were broken up."

I heard Harry curse but didn't send him a glance. All I could think about was Louis' hand wrapped around Olivia's neck as he fucked her and that made me feel even worse.

"You're a fucking hypocrite!" I almost yelled. "Telling how much of an asshole I was for sleeping around after breaking up with her while you were shagging her!"

"Oh I'M a hypocrite?" Louis frowned, tapping his chest a finger from the hand he was still holding his cigarette with before pointing at me. "Take a look at yourself! Being all mad that your ex girlfriend rode my cock while your dick dipped in so many vaginas you probably can't even remember half of them!"

I felt myself get so angry that I practically ran to him before being stopped by Liam, who acted like a shield between us. He placed his hands on my chest and tried to get my attention by moving his face in front of mine.

"Woa mate, no, don't."

I put my hands into two fists and squeezed them so hard I knew my knuckles had turned white and I felt them shaking. Why didn't anyone tell me that my ex girlfriend and one of my best friends had sex before?

"How many times?" I just asked in a low tone, waiting a few seconds to get an answer. Silence. "How many fucking times!?"

Louis didn't have time to answer. The door opened and the three girls walked in, laughing together. They all stopped when they saw us and Eleanor frowned, her eyes moving from me, to Louis and then Liam.

"Okay, what's wrong here."

My eyes found Olivia but she was looking at Louis with a questioning look. I turned to him as he shrugged a shoulder and his lips twisted in a small and guilty smile. Olivia sighed, rubbing her eyes, and that's when I realized there was one thing that bothered me more than them having sex. It was to realize that they were so close now that they could communicate without even talking.

I groaned slightly and stormed out of the room, trying to calm myself but I was pacing in the hall, pulling on my hair and letting out a few curse words under my breath.

"Nee."

I turned only to see Olivia stare at me with soft eyes but it didn't ease the anger inside me. I stopped walking and shut my eyes tight until I felt her hand take mine. My eyes fluttered open again as she stepped back slowly, bringing me to her room. I followed her, not really sure what she was doing, and she let go of my hand when we were inside.

"Please, close the door."

I sighed but finally did what she asked. We were standing together in the dark, very close to each other, but neither of us tried to touch the other or get closer.

"Can you turn the light on, please?"

Once again, I obeyed without a word and when her face appeared in front of me, I immediately imagined her naked on top of Louis. I looked away and closed my eyes, diving my hands in my pockets quickly and playing with the fabric inside of them, twisting it with my fingers.

"Louis told you, right? Is that why you're so mad?"

"Is that why i'm-" I repeated in a whisper. "Are you fucking serious?" I added louder.

"Niall, I was single, and he was single, and you were who knows where." she explained. Her words hurt me but her tone was soft. "I needed comfort, he needed comfort... You got comfort too, didn't you? With a few girls, I heard?"

"But not with any of your friends." I argued, shaking my head. "And I didn't have sex with as many girls as you seem to believe. Is that really what you think of me?"

Once again, the blame was turned towards me when in reality, i was the one who felt fucking betrayed by their behavior.

"Tell me, Olivia." I continued a bit roughly. "How many times did you let one of my best friends make you cum, uh? How many times did you allow him to fuck you so hard you'd forget about me?"

"That's the thing, Niall! I didn't forget about you! Not a fucking second!"

Her answer made my lips part and I stopped frowning. She took a step closer and once again, took my hand in hers, bringing it up to press her palm against mine before intertwining our fingers together.

"I love you, Niall." she whispered. "Having you so close to me all the time... it's making my body vibrate. I know it sounds stupid but it's true. I miss you. I miss everything we did."

My eyes roamed on her face and I licked my lips.

"You're trying to distract me from what I just learned, aren't you?" I asked low.

"No, I'm trying to tell you that it meant nothing. Not for him and not for me. He's the closest friend I have, and we shared that together in a few moments of desperation and intense sadness. I didn't make love with him, I only made love with you. In all my life."

"I only made love with you too." I admitted, squeezing her hand in mine as I watched her tear up.

"Really?" she asked in a whisper as I saw her break down.

"Yes of course, really." I repeated. "Did you doubt it?"

I watched her nod and sniff again. I couldn't wait for the day that the feelings I would bring inside her would only be good ones. I wanted to see her smile again, I wanted to make her happy. I had promised myself I would make her happiness my priority and once again, she was crying right in front of me.

"What can I do to make you smile, Olivia?"

She brought her free hand on my chest and let it slide gently over my shirt as she licked her lips.

"I know I said I needed time but, please, kiss me." she murmured, trying not to sob again. "Just kiss me."

[more-quiverfull-sims]

So Many Fun Updates!!!

Author’s Note: Ingrid’s family is really growing, and both her and Stetson have now both aged into later adulthood. Ingrid’s parents are elders now, too. I will have to choose an heir soon. So far, I’m tending towards either Hope or Evangeline. Both of them have shown a lot of personality from the start. 

On another note, I’d love to hear predictions on how many kids Ingrid + Stetson will ultimately have. I’m thinking it’ll probably be sixteen or seventeen, maybe even more if they have twins again.

I also wanted to note re: Brenna that she and her husband dislike the fundamentalist lifestyle (due to not living up to their parents’ standards) and will be fundie-lite at most. They’ve moved to an apartment in the city and are using birth control until Brenna is at least 21. They’ll still have a big family, but will likely send their children to Christian private school, and Brenna will be able to work part-time as a piano teacher.

Read on for an extra nutty blog post...my favorite part is Ingrid’s insistence on flexing on her sisters by adding a modesty turtleneck to an already insane bridesmaid dress. Ingrid’s mother, Katlyn, has become a little less strict with her youngest kids as she’s burned out over time...but Ingrid isn’t about to relax her own standards.

Hello everyone! My, how nice it is to be checking out the blog again!! I love sharing our adventures with you!!

Here I am at the very end of my pregnancy with Patience Grace!

My sweet Mama got to visit me and help me take care of the little ones, and talk about how I was coping with my pregnancy!! 

Later that day, I delivered our TENTH child, Patience Grace Gorman!

I had a great opportunity to speak with little Evangeline May about having a happy heart about a new baby! Our children love being part of a large family, but babies are born sinners and must be TRAINED to show a happy heart at all times! Little Evangeline is still working on this, and I am being sure to keep her on the right path!

Helen aged up into toddlerhood JUST before I delivered Patience Grace. I love putting pink bows in my girls’ hair, and they love it, too! I’ve also strived to begin instilling modesty in my girls at an EARLY age so that they learn not to make their bodies a temptation from the time they are small! Notice my girls are always in dresses and with their knees covered! It is such a blessing to learn how to shield our brothers from temptation!

I also recently celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday. I can’t believe that Stetson and I have been married for more than fifteen PERFECT years and serving the Lord all the while. We are among the rare few that are participating in his perfect design for humanity...which was evidenced by the fact that days after this photo was taken, I found out that I was pregnant with baby #11, a PRECIOUS boy named Landyn Mason!!!

On another happy note, my sweet sister Brenna recently became engaged and then married! She became engaged to nineteen-year-old Alejandro Delgado at the age of seventeen! Alejandro is a commercial fisherman who is also a violinist on the side! Brenna loves the violin, too, and they met at a concert for homeschool graduates last year! Brenna didn’t know he was interested in her until he asked our Daddy for his permission to court her six months ago. They fell in love quickly, and I was so thrilled for her!

Brenna’s sweet wedding day! It was a very beautiful ceremony! Brenna had just turned eighteen a few days before! It was held on my parents’ property. My Daddy presided as preacher and married them. I was surprised Daddy allowed an outdoor wedding at first, but in the end we all liked the idea of Brenna getting married on our parents’ homestead! Their love has been so fruitful and led to so much!

Aren’t they a nice couple?! I am SO pleased that Brenna settled down and got married at an appropriate age. She always had such SPIRIT as a child and loved school, which I often had to remind her was not lady-like. Her academic energies were ONLY necessary so that she could learn to be a teacher for her children, as I explained! Luckily Alejandro seems okay with being married to a woman who likes to speak up sometimes! But Mama and I will be helping Brenna remain a submissive helpmeet!

We got a nice photo of all my sisters here! Aren’t our dresses GORGEOUS!? Mama helped pick them out, and I chose to layer mine out of modesty! I didn’t want anybody gazing upon the arms that belong to my husband!

After the wedding, Alejandro moved with Brenna to an apartment in San Myshuno. They’ve been married almost seven months now! Praying that they will be graced with a blessing soon! 

Our family also had a wonderful time celebrating Harvestfest recently. I slaved away ALL day making dinner for everyone!! It is such a blessing to serve my family!! I keep my babies so well-nourished and rested. It is such a joy and truly the calling of my life.

Look at all of us gathered around the table that some sweet folks at church donated to us! Daddy’s gotten a lot older, and recently Thaddeus has taken over the helm for preaching. The congregation is growing every day!

This is me after another successful homebirth with baby Landyn. I did tear quite a bit during the birth and had to be hospitalized afterward. I may soon follow the way of my heroine, Michelle Duggar, and go to the hospital for any subsequent births! I realized, after speaking with Stetson, that the Lord has blessed me and that I need not strive to please him by giving birth at home. Stetson told me that this is what the Lord has planned for me, and I submitted right away! That is what wives must do, without question, all the time!

My sweet girls have been SO great about helping me with my littles recently. I’m so glad that Hope and Katlynn are learning to be good, obedient helpmeets so that they can serve their husbands one day!! I could NOT do things without them and have officially started buddy teams as the two oldest girls become old enough to manage them!

Can you believe how busy our family has been recently?! I can’t believe how quickly time is flying!!! My oldest babies are already 15, 13, and almost 12 (Ezekiel, Josiah, and Hope)! Soon we will be planning THEIR courtships and making way for THEIR babies. It’s hard to believe how time flies...

Finally, we are so excited to announce that the LORD has blessed us AGAIN!! We are so beyond fortunate to be expecting our precious baby #12 in the spring!! The Lord has SEEN our service and SEEN the hearts we have for him. We ALWAYS seek to serve him even when the world is against us. We are stopped much more often now and asked about our large family, with some even exclaiming and asking why we would want so many children!! This is evidence of the backward way of the world and the way so many women have fallen out of their natural roles as wives and mothers. I am SO glad I have taken the path of righteousness and that I am showing MY sweet daughters the way. 

We haven’t found out the gender of baby #12, which will mark a first for us! So far we have six boys and five girls...what do you think the next baby will be?!?

Gorman Children (so far):

1. Ezekiel Luther

2. Josiah Thomas

3. Hope Geraldine

4. Isaiah Stetson

5. Katlynn Marie

6. John Brice

7. Evangeline May

8. Camden Duggarson

9. Helen Praise

10. Patience Grace

11. Landyn Mason

12. Baby Gorman

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (17/?)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

A/n: Everyone enjoying all of these post-season games? Even if your team has already lost like mine 🙈 Anyways, we’re back in London for one more chapter here and @resident-of-storybrooke is still the mvp for reading all of these words. 

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

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Tag list: @xellewoods @galaxyzxstark @eala-captian @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings

-/-

Emma can feel Killian’s nose nudging between her shoulder blades, his scruff scratching at her skin, and as good as it feels, she can’t help but curl further into her pillow and bring her knees up to her stomach, hoping that he’ll leave her alone so that she can sleep longer. So much longer. Jet-lag is a bitch, and she just wants to sleep forever. They don’t even get a day off when they get home, and just thinking about it has her dying.

Why in the world did she get sent over here when she’s only writing an article and doing social media stuff? Jeff should have come with her, Ruby too, but right now, she can’t really complain.

This bed is really soft.

London is wonderful.

Killian smells really good right now. He shouldn’t smell this good this early in the morning, and he probably got up to brush his teeth and put cologne on or something stupidly wonderful like that.

But she’s tired, and all she really wants is to sleep some more and for the pleasant ache between her thighs to lessen a bit so she won’t be thinking about it all day long. It’s a wonderful memory to have to think about as her day goes on, but still, a girl has got to be able to walk without her mind going to weird places.

The new phase of a relationship is so damn fun.

Sighing, she hugs her pillow more closely and keeps her eyes shut only for Killian to place the softest kiss in existence on the back of her neck that has the shiver multiplying its intensity by ten with each new vertebra that it reaches.

“Did you know that you are a kicker in your sleep?” he murmurs, his voice hoarse and gravely like it always is in the mornings. She really likes that. Like, really. “And that you are also a heat seeker, and I am in no way safe from your assault.”

“That sounds like a hard life,” Emma mumbles, still not bothering to open her eyes.

“The hardest. Do you know that we’ve only ever spent the night together in hotels? You’ve never even seen my bedroom. We somehow have never made it past the living room.”

“You’ve never seen mine.”

“True,” he sighs as his hand inches over her waist so that his nails can run over her stomach, making the muscles flutter. Or maybe those are the damn metaphorical butterflies. It doesn’t matter. “We should remedy that when we get home.” Home.

He means New York. He doesn’t mean his apartment or her apartment. He simply means the city they both happen to live in, but knowing that doesn’t change the way her heart is hammering in her chest, that residual feeling of being terrified that this is all going to blow up in her face still lingering. It’s not there as much as it used to be, some of the fear tampering down the more comfortable she becomes with Killian, but as old ones fade away, new ones emerge like one of those creepy aliens in movies.

Killian isn’t like Walsh or Neal or any of the people who have hurt her. Anyone with half-functioning eyes could see that, and it’s reaffirmed in how he supports her every day. He sends her articles she’s written in the past with little notes attached to them on what he thinks. Sometimes he shares links to YouTube videos of her interviews, asking her how she noticed the strategy they employed to win that day or simply complimenting her on thinking on her feet when she gets put in a tough situation. The only people who could possibly support her more are Ruth and David, but Killian is very much inching up to the top of the Emma Swan fan club.

He’d probably make t-shirts. Several. And wear them under all of his clothes, the dork.

Dark and broody but also dorky. That’s how she’d describe him if she had to in three words or less.

So she’s not worried that he’s going to demean her or belittle her or make her feel unworthy like she has felt in the past, but there are so many other ways for him to hurt her. Their relationship getting out, for one, could destroy her professional credibility, at least for a little while. That’s something she thinks about every time she sneaks out of her hotel room and into his. It’s ridiculous hard to find a time when someone isn’t in the hallway. But what if he’s secretly shitty in some kind of other way? What if he doesn’t continue to be so open and honest with her? What if he realizes that her hang-ups are too complicated? What if he realizes that he doesn’t want to be patient with her when she does have her freak outs? He’s so damn patient with her, always waiting for her to make the move before he does, and there’s no guarantee he won’t get tired of that.

Why is this the morning that she thinks about this?

Probably because the reality of them telling their friends and family is hitting her. It was her idea, the guilt of lying to everyone overwhelming her, but now the actuality is overwhelming her even more.

Last night, she told Killian that she would go to Addy’s birthday party under this insane plan that he has of them fake running into each other in the hallway, and the reality of meeting his family is kind of freaking her out. She’s never met a boyfriend’s family before, which was always such a blessing, and now she’s invading Killian’s niece’s birthday party.

Where his brother, who he absolutely admires in every way, will be, along with his wife and their kids and all of these other people who are important to Killian.

Emma wants to run. She knows that she does. Feelings overwhelm her, the feelings she has for Killian most of all, but she thinks she’d rather be overwhelmed by the happiness that he helps her feel rather than the anxiety.

The new phase of a relationship is fun but also terrifying.

“Are you inviting me over for a sleepover?” she finally asks, hoping that Killian can’t tell that she’s freaking out a little bit.

Killian hums into her neck, and she finally opens her eyes, the brightness of the sun shining through the curtains blurring everything for a moment. “I am. I can get you all kinds of snacks. We’ll wear our best pajamas, watch movies, play truth or dare, maybe have a pillow fight or two.”

“Do you get all of your sleepover knowledge from 2000s rom coms?”

“Possibly.”

Emma chuckles before turning on the mattress, shifting into Killian’s space like he shifted into hers, and when she’s turned in his arms, she blinks at him, taking in the unshaven scruff and unruly hair that most definitely hasn’t been tamed. She likes that too. His hair is always doing different things, and she can’t decide what she likes best.

“You very obviously did,” Emma sighs, running her hands over the muscled curves of his biceps, “but that’s okay. That’s where all of my knowledge came from too. The closest I’ve ever gotten to one that’s not, like, a sexual thing is when Ruby and I room together on road games.”

“I don’t think that counts because then Robin, Will, and I have had a ton of sleepovers, and none of them involve any of the fun things I was talking about before.” He reaches up to cover her hand with his before leaning in and lazily moving his lips against hers. There are a lot of things she’s learning at twenty-seven, and one of them is most definitely how much she likes lazy morning make out sessions. They’re definitely one of the seven wonders of the world. “And who said there was going to be nothing sexual about our sleepover? I was definitely planning at least a little something.”

Her nose scrunches up, and Killian moves to gently bite it, making her laugh. “We can have something sexual happen, but only if it’s during truth or dare. No funny business otherwise, mister.”

His lips part like he’s going to say something, and she runs her hand up and down his arm as she waits. But then he blinks one long, slow blink and shuts his mouth, whatever words he was going to say curling back on his tongue.

“What?” she questions, moving her leg against his.

“Nothing,” Killian smiles, pressing forward to run his lips over hers again, making her toes curl from the way that he knows just what to do in a kiss to make her happy. “I was simply thinking of this sleepover we’re going to have, and how I need to buy some better pajamas for it. I can’t have you seeing me in anything less than decent.”

“You’re not wearing any clothes right now.”

“And I’ve yet to hear a complaint from you about that, so I think this may be decent attire.”

“Well then,” she sighs, slowly running her foot up his calf again and watching his eyes darken, “I think it’ll be perfectly fine attire then too.”

-/-

This is stupid.

This is so, so stupid. She can’t believe she’s doing this. It’s ridiculous. The most ridiculous thing in the entire world. Okay, maybe not in the entire world, but she’s feeling extra dramatic right now.

The most dramatic, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Killian told her to meet him in the hallway where all of the suites in the stadium are located, and she’s been standing her for fifteen minutes pretending to look at her phone instead of actually looking at her phone and answering emails or something. Or checking stats for the game. She should be doing that, but they’re still in the top of the first inning, and she’s pretty sure this is going to be the game that never ends.

Ever.

And she’ll be stuck in this hallway in London for the rest of her life and die in the yellow maxi dress that she spent thirty minutes picking out because she had no idea what to wear to her secret boyfriend’s niece’s tea party birthday. She’d also debated on going out and getting a gift despite their conversation last night, but then she’d reminded herself that she’s not technically planning on coming to this thing. It’s some kind of fake spur of the moment thing, and bringing a gift would ruin that.

She needs to calm down.

This is fine.

A set of doors to her left open, and she sees Killian walk through. She’s so used to seeing him dressed in his uniform or sweatpants and some kind of team-branded t-shirt when they’re in a baseball stadium that it throws her off when she sees him in tight-fighting blue jeans with a light blue button down tucked in, the sleeves rolled up and several buttons at the top undone so that she can see little tufts of black hair and the silver chain that he wears to keep his mom’s ring next to his heart.

Athletes have all kinds of traditions and superstitions for every part of their life, but her favorite is that Killian keeps that ring on him at all times.

“Hello, kind acquaintance,” he teases when he sees her, eyes darting around the hallway while he steps closer, “funny running into you here looking absolutely gorgeous in that dress. I’d say it’s perfect for a tea party.”

“You are ridiculous.” “You have got to stop saying that about me like it’s new information.” Killian steps up to her then, looking around once more before quickly dipping his head to kiss her while grabbing her ass like they didn’t just see each other two hours ago when she finally left his room. “You do look just beautiful, though. Sometimes I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

Heat immediately rises to her cheeks, but she tries to shake it and the butterflies in her stomach off. “I ask myself the same thing about you all the time.”

Killian rolls his eyes at her before holding his arm out. “You ready to go?”

Her eyes glance down at his elbow before looking back up at him. “Why are you holding your arm like that?”

“Because it’s proper to escort a lady to an event by giving her your arm when you walk, and I like to do proper by such a lady.”

“Killian,” she protests even as her heart absolutely hammers in his chest, “we can’t do that. There are people.”

“There’s no one. Indulge me for sixty seconds, okay?”

Maybe it’s that she’s feeling overwhelmed and like taking a risk or maybe it’s the way that he smiles, but something about him has her taking his arm and placing her hand in the crook of his elbow as they walk down the hallway until they’re at the double doors of the suite.

“It’s going to be fine, Swan,” Killian promises, squeezing her hand before letting go and pushing the door open so that the sounds of children excitedly talking fill their ears and her eyes take in all of the people in the room.

It’s not many, less than are usually in a big suite, but she can see at least fifteen kids, most of them children of players, and maybe ten other adults. That doesn’t seem like the right ratio, but these kids are old enough to be semi self-sufficient about most things. Everything is fine. She’s just nervous, which only gets worse when Killian’s niece spots them.

“Uncle Killian,” Addison screeches, stopping where she is and running toward the two of them in her blue dress. Killian immediately crouches down to her level, opening his arms to her and taking her into the tightest embrace before lifting her off of the ground while Addison nuzzles into his shoulder.

It may very well be the cutest and most heart-warming thing she has ever seen in her entire life.

“Happy birthday, my little love,” he sighs, swaying her as they stand. “How are you six years old? I’m pretty sure you’re still supposed to be a baby.”

“I’m too big to be a baby. Don’t be silly.”

“Don’t be silly?” he guffaws, pulling back and adjusting his grip on Addison. “Darling, I am always silly, but so are you. You’re basically the silliest goose.”

Addison scrunches up her nose, and Emma can see Killian in her there. It might be the dimples or the blue of her eyes, but Emma can see something even though both of Killian’s nieces look exactly like their mom. She is not weird at all for noticing these things. “We have talked about this. I am not a silly goose. I am a girl.”

“Geese can be girls.”

“Did you bring me a present?”

“A present?” Killian gasps, tickling Addison’s sides so that she giggles. “Am I supposed to bring you a present? No one told me.”

“But it’s my birthday,” she pouts.

“Did you bring me a present on my birthday? I don’t remember.”

“Yes,” Addison groans, holding her head back. “I drew you a picture of us.”

“Oh, that’s right, that’s right,” Killian sighs, glancing to the side and winking at Emma, which definitely doesn’t do something weird to her heart. “You did. I have it framed on my bookshelf because I love it so much. I do have a present for you, but your mom and dad told me that I had to leave it at home so you can’t open it until you get back to America.”

“What is it?” she gasps, not at all deterred by the fact that she can’t open her present yet.

“Addy,” a male voice sighs, and Emma turns her head to the side to see Killian’s brother standing near them, and that definitely does something to her heart, “remember what we talked about? You have to be patient.”

“But I’m excited!” Killian puts her on the ground so that she’s no longer at eye-level with all of them, but her confidence might as well make her six feet tall. “Where’s Lucy? I don’t see her.”

“She’s sitting with Mommy. Why don’t you go find them while I talk to Killian and Ms. Emma here?”

That’s when Addison’s attention turns to her, and suddenly she feels like more eyes are on her than when she’s on television.

Is she terrified of a six-year-old? No, that would be ridiculous.

(Also, Killian’s brother knows her name, and while that’s not weird, she feels like it is. Then again, she knows his entire family.)

“Who are you?” she questions, her hands on her hips and eyes focused.

Emma plasters a smile on her face, one that was already there even if she didn’t realize it, before squatting down so that she’s eye-to-eye with Addison.

“Hi, Addison. My name is Emma. I work with your uncle.”

“Are you a baseball player?”

“No,” Emma laughs, and she looks up at Killian when she hears him chuckle. He simply shrugs his shoulders and waggles his brows across his forehead. “I wish I was, but I work on TV. You know those people who ask Killian all kinds of questions?”

“That’s you?”

“That’s me.”

Addison smiles, the teeth she has missing obvious, before she steps a little closer to Emma and touches her dress, running her fingers over the material. “I like your dress. It kind of looks like a princess dress. Are you going to stay for my party?”

“Only if you want me to.”

“I do. Do you want to come and look at my cake with me? It’s shaped like a unicorn.”

“Sure, sweetie,” she answers, smiling at Addison and taking her hand as she’s dragged off to the other side of the room, leaving Killian and Liam behind.

For the next hour, her best friend in the world is Addy Jones, who very much takes Emma under her wings as she shows her around the suite and introduces her to all of her friends. The only real experience Emma has with kids is Leo, and the four-year difference between six and ten is kind of insane, but it’s not hard to adjust and talk about all of the right things. It gets a little more difficult when she meets Lucy, if only because Lucy is one reserved little girl, but Emma notices that she very easily follows in Addy’s footsteps and has her own little personality, even if it’s quieter.

Lucy Jones also very much loves her uncle, and it makes Emma’s heart do that funny stuttering thing every time she looks up and sees Lucy sitting with Killian as he animatedly talks to her and makes her laugh with this little high-pitched squeal. She’s always known how much Killian loves his nieces from how he talks about them and how he has pictures of them in his apartment and on his social media, but seeing it in person is this whole new thing. He’s in his element, even more than he is when he’s on a baseball field like the one just outside, and this smile that’s been with her most of today continues to increase, the corners of her lips constantly ticking up whenever she thinks about him.

Which is a lot.

Probably more than a normal amount, and she just loves him so damn much that…

Holy shit.

She loves him.

She loves him.

Why is she realizing that right now as she sits at a table with people she doesn’t really even know while she watches him very obviously stick his pinky out while drinking tea teaching Lucy to do the same?

How in the world did this happen?

And is she terrified or so incredibly excited that it feels a lot like the fear that’s been weaving in and out of her days lately?

Does he love her too? Can he? She thinks that he can, that he does, but how is she ever supposed to know for sure? It’s been a good while since she actually felt this way, and she’s not sure that she trusts her heart to realize the difference.

“It’s Emma, right?”

Emma looks up from her seat to see Elsa Jones standing above her, blonde hair pulled back into a complicated braid and soft smile painted across her lips.

“Yeah, yes, that’s me,” Emma stutters, holding out her hand to shake Elsa’s. “Elsa?”

“The one and only. Well, kind of,” she laughs before pulling out the empty chair next to Emma and sitting down. “It’s so nice to meet you. I feel like I know you from your job.”

“Funny, I feel like I know you.”

Okay, so that’s probably pretty creepy. Was that creepy?

Before Emma can think about it too much, Elsa laughs, something that sounds genuine, and Emma has to remind herself that this is just another person who she knows is kind. There’s nothing to be afraid of. She talks to people for a living.

“I would bet. Killian talks far too much, so you get a lot of information out of him when you’re likely just looking to talk about the game. I really liked the special you did at the beginning of the season. It felt very much like him as a person, which I’m always so happy to see.”

“He’s a great subject. It’s not easy getting a lot of these guys to be charming and funny about things other than baseball, so I love when I find one that knows how to open up. And he’s so good with your daughters. I hope I’m not intruding on your day, but Killian – ”

“Found you wandering the halls and dragged you along?” Emma arches her brow, but Elsa simply waves her away, shaking her head from side to side as she glances out the windows to the game that Emma is only half paying attention to even though it’s her job. “Liam told me. You’re not intruding at all. Addy has gone on and on about her pretty new friend Emma, and any friend of my girl is a friend of mine. Plus, we Joneses owe you about a million apologizes for my dumbass brother-in-law asking you out.”

She has to cover her mouth with her hand as she laughs, a snort escaping her before she can stop it. “Did you guys give him hell for that? I feel like he does deserve it.”

“Oh, most definitely. Killian is not a super spontaneous guy, especially when it comes to women, not anymore at least, so I’m not entirely convinced someone didn’t spike his water bottle. I actually choked on my own water bottle when I saw it happening, so I gave him hell for that too.”

“Good, but I’ve forgiven him as long as he never does something like that again. Our working relationship is much better now because he can basically never say no when I want an interview.”

“True,” she says, her smile somehow brighter. “You’ve got to use those kinds of things in your favor. I do it with Liam all the time. It works like a charm.”

“What does?” Liam asks as he steps up to them.

“Hi, sweetie,” Elsa greets him, tilting her head back so that Liam can kiss her. “Have you met Emma?”

“I did when she came in, but I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to her before Addy dragged her away. So, it’s nice to meet you, Emma.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well. I was telling Elsa that it’s good to put real faces to names I’ve heard so much about.”

“You’ve heard a lot about us?”

“Oh, y-yeah,” she mumbles, internally cursing herself again. “Work and all. I know far too much about the lives of all of the players, which is both a good and bad thing.”

“I would bet. Do you know about – ”

“Yesterday?” she asks. Liam nods his head, his smile tightened. “Yeah, I know. It was shitty, but it happens. And I’m glad Will and Killian and some of the other guys stood up for me like that, even if Killian was an idiot for messing up his hand. But I feel like I’m part of the team sometimes, and it’s nice to know they have my back.”

“Emma,” Addy squeals as she runs toward the three of them, completely ignoring her parents, “Killian said to come and get you to ask if you wanted to join our tea party. He says that you don’t know how to drink tea, and I have to help you.”

Her eyes immediately glance over to Killian, and when he moves his brow across his forehead, laughter bubbles inside of her stomach and her mouth falls into a soft smile. The ridiculous fool.

“You know what, Addy,” she sighs, “I don’t think I know how to drink tea. You and Lucy will have to teach me, okay?”

“I know. Come on.” Addison tugs at her arm until she rises from her chair, excusing herself to Liam and Elsa before she’s dragged across the room and over to the table where all of Addison’s friends and Killian are eat snacks and drinking tea, which looks a lot more like orange juice, and Emma is told to sit down in the chair next to Killian who is holding Lucy’s goldfish snacks while she inspects all of them. “Uncle Killian, I brought Emma over. Emma, do you want orange tea or apple tea?”

“Um, orange tea.”

Addy nods her head before she’s running off to the other side of the table and leaving Emma with Killian and Lucy.

“So, you need to teach me how to drink tea then?”

He shrugs his shoulders as he attempts to flip the hair that’s fallen over his forehead back. “My brother and sister-in-law had cornered you, and I thought you might need a little saving. I knew that you were a little nervous about meeting them.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“You talk in your sleep.”

“I do not, you as – jerk,’” she corrects, stopping herself when Lucy looks up at her. “Hi, sweetheart. I like your dress.”

“Thank you,” she says quietly, sweetly. “It’s yellow. Yours is yellow.”

“I know. We’re basically twins. Are you going to eat your goldfish?”

Lucy softly smiles, little blonde curls falling in her face, before picking up a handful of her snacks from Killian and offering them over to Emma in a sweet gesture that definitely rivals everything romantic that her uncle has ever done.

“Thank you, Lucy.” Emma pops one into her mouth only to look up at Killian and see that his eyes are crinkled, those little lines showing up, and her stomach pleasantly twists at the sight of it. She realized that she loved him less than twenty minutes ago, and there are still a lot of crazy feelings processing in her brain right now. A lot. “Do you want some, twenty-nine?”

Killian blinks, almost like he doesn’t recognize her nickname for him, before reaching over and taking some of the fish that she’s offering him. It’s cheesy and very romance novel-ish, but she swears that she feels sparks when his fingers brush over the palm of her hands.

“Thank you, love.”

“I have your orange team, Emma,” Addy shouts as she comes back to them, balancing a far too full plastic cup of orange juice that spills a little on the carpet until Emma takes it from Addy’s hand.

“Well, thank you, Addy. But it’s your birthday. Shouldn’t I be helping you do something instead of you handing me my tea?”

Addy hums at this, her forefinger tapping against her chin while her foot taps on the ground. “You can help me open my presents later, okay?”

“That sounds like a deal.”

-/-

“Working hard or hardly working?”

Emma pulls the headphones from her ears so that she can hear Killian better, even though she could most definitely hear the cheesy phrase that just came out of his mouth. His family is flying back on the team plane, as are all of the other players’ families, and since she is Addison Jones’s new favorite person as of seven hours ago, she was asked to sit with all of the Jones clan, which has really just been her sitting in a seat by the window with Addy and Lucy switching seats until the both of them were corralled by their parents to go to sleep. And now she’s got Killian sitting next to her, which is what she was hoping for but isn’t the most subtle thing in the world.

They are not subtle people even when they probably think they are.

She’d never make it in federal law enforcement or something like that.

“My deadline is in an hour, and I had to pay twenty-seven dollars for WiFi so that I could send it in.”

“So, working hard?”

“Yep.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No, no,” she protests, reaching down to take another sip of her coffee. Her jet-lag is going to be even worse of a bitch tomorrow. “You can stay. I just have to check my stat facts, and then I’ll be finished. It’s kind of hard to work when everyone else is asleep and it’s so dark in here, so, you know, I’m drinking all of the caffeine to stay awake. I think I have a food baby made of unicorn cake.”

“Aye, me too,” he laughs as he pats his stomach. “That was too much sugar.”

“No such thing.”

“Oh, but there is, darling.” His hand brushes over her forearm, and she can see the slight scabs and marks from him punching Arthur yesterday. Nothing new has been said, no suspensions mentioned, and she hopes that it stays that way. She also hopes that nothing like that ever happens again.

“How does your hand feel?”

“A little sore, but I’m right as rain. It’s a good thing I have several days off, yeah?”

Emma groans, shutting her eyes just at the thought of getting up to work tomorrow like most people on this plane except for Killian and Robin. “Don’t remind me. I’m going to look like a zombie tomorrow, and feel even worse than that. If I ever go overseas again, it’s going to be for long enough to adjust to the time.”

“You and me both,” he yawns, and she’s totally endeared by the way his face contorts there only for him to smile at her with a tired, boyish grin that she’s endeared by even more. “Finish up your article, my love, and then I say that you at least try to go to sleep.”

“Always looking out for me.”

“You know it.”

Her hand reaches over his scarred one so that she can squeeze it, which is all she can really do right now. But honestly, being right here next to him simply sitting together after all of the craziness of these few days – baseball, meeting her boyfriend’s family, asshole players getting punched, quick tours of London that went by in a blur, and realizing that she loves Killian – is more than enough when it’s already absolutely everything.

[itsdaniclayton]

everything is easier when you’re home

OKAY SO that little fic I posted a while back got an AMAZING response like WOW you guys are the best!! So why not go all in and write a full AU, right?? This is like the beginning, an introduction, a prologue, whatever you wanna call it, of what’s going to be a neighbors AU

A huge massive shoutout to @peraltiagoisland and to @elsaclack for yelling ideas with me you guys are the absolute BEST (Em, you can take this as a birthday present of sorts ILY) and to @the-pontiac-bandit and @startofamoment for reading this through and making super nice comments you guys are the best too

(title from When You’re Home from In The Heights)

ANYWAY I’m shutting up now, here’s the thing.

Amy Santiago loves her new apartment. One bedroom, one bathroom, good neighborhood and decent rent. One thing she does not love? Her neighbors. More precisely, whoever lives in the apartment that shares a paper thin wall with hers.

She has been living there for less than three days, and, in that short period of time, they have managed to infuriate her. And what makes everything even worse is that they are messing with her carefully planned sleep schedule. She probably would be just annoyed if it wasn’t for that.

The very first night, after a long day of unpacking, she was sitting on the couch with a cup of tea and a long lost book she had found while putting everything away, when she was interrupted by music coming from the adjoining apartment. And it was loud. She checked the time. 10:04 pm. There were still 26 minutes before she would go to bed, and she was sure that the music would have definitely stopped by then. No one listens to music that loud at such hours. So she tried not to think too much of it at first and continue with her things. Focusing on the book was impossible, though. She was completely distracted by what had started as rap and then morphed into Taylor Swift (her neighbors definitely had an odd taste in music).

As 10:30 neared, she started to think that maybe it would not stop anytime soon. And that was going be a problem. Even if her room was on the other side of the apartment and none of its walls were shared, she could still hear the music from there - not as loud as from the living room, but loud enough to prevent her from sleeping.

Still, she got into bed in an attempt to fall asleep at her regular time. She had the next day off, but there were lots of boxes left to unpack, so sleeping in was not an option.

She considered complaining about the music right then, but she would be making a terrible first impression. And maybe her neighbors weren’t actually inconsiderate, maybe they thought the apartment was still empty. She would go the following morning, introduce herself, and ask them kindly to never play music this loud again.

It was almost 9 pm when she started hearing movement in the other apartment the next day. She had knocked on the door across the hallway from hers in the morning, but no one answered. She supposed there was no one in the apartment, it was Sunday after all, so she would try again once she heard something.

But she was already wearing her pajamas, and she was comfortable sitting on the couch and watching an incredibly interesting documentary on jellyfish. She decided to go only if it was completely necessary. Luckily for her, there wasn’t much noise, only the muffled sounds of a TV and the occasional beep of a microwave.

That was until the moment she rested her head on the pillow. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she guessed that the TV was suddenly on full volume (how else would she be able to hear it from her bedroom?) and some kind of action scene was on.

If she hadn’t been in bed, she would already be knocking on her neighbor’s door. But she was tired, and her bed was warm and comfortable, and whatever they were watching would be over eventually, right? She sighed deeply after she heard a loud explosion coming from the TV. This was going to be a long night.

That is why she fell asleep way past midnight, why she drank six cups of coffee during the day, and why right now she is knocking on her neighbor’s door (she knows they are home, Orinoco Flow has been on repeat for the past hour).

After knocking for several minutes, louder and louder each time, she finally hears the music stop and just a couple of seconds later the door opens. She is not really sure what she was expecting, but for some reason it definitely wasn’t a grown man of about her age. She’s taken aback for a moment, the words she had carefully planned suddenly forgotten. Confusion is clearly written on his face, and a moment passes before either of them says anything.

“I, um,” Amy starts, “I just moved here.” She points at her door. Maybe it’s because she is sleep deprived, or maybe the insane amount of caffeine running through her system is messing with her thoughts, but she finds her neighbor mildly attractive (okay, very attractive), and she doesn’t want the first thing she says to him to be a complaint.

At her words, the confusion on his face changes to surprise. But he doesn’t say anything, just nods slightly.

“I’m Amy.” She extends her hand towards him. He stares at her hand for a beat, his eyebrows rising even more, but he shakes it anyway.

“I’m Jake.”

She wants to start talking, to say all the things that have been bothering her since she moved, but she can’t find the words. Instead they stare at each other, and Amy is sure she’s never felt this awkward in her entire life.

“Look,” she beings, carefully measuring every word, “I’m sure you are aware of how thin these walls are.”

He nods.

“So,” she continues with more confidence, “you know I can hear the music that you’re listening to.”

He stays still, but she can see the moment he realises where she is going with this. A small smile forms on his face. “So you’re knocking on my door to tell me how impeccable my taste in music is?”

“What? No! First of all, you’ve been playing the same song for the past hour-”

“A great song.”

She rolls her eyes. “And second, I’m here to complain. You have everything at full volume even when it’s late at night, and I can hear it all the way from my room and it won’t let me sleep. First the music, then the TV and now-”

“Wait, wait. When did you move in?”

“On Saturday.”

“Oh.” His smile disappears instantly. Even though she met him literally five minutes ago, she can clearly tell that he’s feeling bad about it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

His words are honest, they make Amy’s anger dissipate. She sighs. “It’s okay, but please keep the volume down from now on.”

He nods, and, slowly, a smile reappears on his face. “You know, Mrs. Stevens never complained about the noise.”

“I’m assuming Mrs. Stevens lived here before me?”

“Yeah. She was the best. She was old and I think she couldn’t hear properly so I could have my music as loud as I wanted to and at whatever time I liked, she never said anything about it,” he sighs dramatically. “But she’s gone now.”

“Did she die?”

“What? No! She just moved. Geez, you have dark thoughts.”

She rolls her eyes again. “Okay, well, she’s not living here anymore, I am, and I can hear what happens in your apartment and you can hear what happens in mine. So can we just please agree to keep the volume down, especially at night?”

He strokes his chin pretending to be considering his answer. Amy sighs deeply. She’s tired; she knows he is doing this to annoy her, and she’s not sure how much longer she can take it (although she may have had to hold back a smile at some point in their conversation, and his thinking face is actually cute).

“Fine,” he finally says, just as dramatically as she was expecting.

[howtogetoutofbed]

On Living, Loving and Losing : The Birthday Blog

It’s insane the difference 365 days can make. This time last year I was in my cozy one bedroom apartment, that had been built sometime between World War II and 1972. I lived a few blocks from the beach right outside Los Angeles. I juiced apples and cucumbers, I wrote poetry by the water and went to the farmers market every Sunday. It was for all intensive purposes my dream life. Except it wasn’t. This time last year I was incredibly unhappy. I worked 60 plus hours a week, every week. I loved the place that I worked but I felt miserable and burnt out with my actual job. I was highly underpaid and overworked and was not for a lack of better words, living the dream. I was stuck and stagnant in my professional life and lonely as fuck in my personal life.

A truth about Raven: I’m a hardcore ambiavert. That means I can get up in front of an entire room of people and not be nervous. I have a big personality, I’m loud and passionate and LOVE people. I also simultaneously HATE (not really hate but go with it for the drama) everyone and need to be alone to recharge, re-center and replenish my energy.

I’m an independent dependent. I can fully function alone but I definitely didn’t want to. I knew I wanted more, could do more, be more and have more.

I wanted to be unstuck. So much so that I started becoming obsessed with the idea. I realized being unstuck for me meant needing to literally set things in motion. I knew there were opportunities that made sense for me so I vigorously persued them until they grew from unrealistic ideas to full blown proposals.

Texas.

It happened so fast and I was terrified but I was also unstuck.

……….

Dallas. You don’t suck. It takes me 9 minutes to get from my really fucking nice apartment that is stupid inexpensive for how crazy fucking nice it is. I live in the gayest neighborhood in probably the entire state of Texas and there’s a vegan restaurant/yoga studio within a 5 minute walking distance from my place. It’s like LA without all the cars and pressure to be perfect. The best part of moving to Dallas though, hasn’t been Dallas, it’s been me. It’s been discovering all that I am capable of. There’s a big difference between being lonely and being alone. In California, I was surrounded by the people I love in the place I grew up and I was miserably lonely. In Dallas, I was alone. Aloneness can be as equally painful as it is gratifying. It will test you and has tested me so much but through it I have found so much love and admiration for myself. Love and admiration I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t for finding myself unstuck in the heart of Texas.

…..

Brandon.

I’m pretty sure I did everything in my power to sabotage this relationship in the beginning. I told myself there was no way I was dating someone who said they were terrible every time you asked them how their day was going. From the beginning I was intrigued by you but I had more or less written you off as not my type, not knowing that you were everything I’d been waiting for.

These days I find myself thanking the universe that you asked me out for a drink that Tuesday and that you took me to get a chocolate shake after the drinks were done. You didn’t know yet about my addiction to ice cream. I find myself thanking the universe that you knew we were meant to be long before I did and you didn’t run, every time I tried to push you away or that you stayed even though you were falling in love with me and you thought I might break your heart. Now you know I was falling in love with you too and I was afraid you would break mine.

In my defense, you’re a freak of nature. I mean that in the best way. As in, I’m a freak of nature and I was convinced up until I met you that there were no other freaks of nature out there that existed for the purposes of cohabiting, cuddling and coroberatting with me. Especially not a straight man from San Antonio, Texas. Somehow my empath, energy conscious, incense burning, house cleansing self fits perfectly with your unbothered, fun-loving, carefree spirit. We couldn’t be more different or more alike.

Falling in love with you let’s me know my karma is good because you are truly special. Every day with you is a new adventure, a new lesson, a new reason to choose each other. Falling in love with you feels revolutionary, most days - as you would say, “babe, I’m colonized.” Each of us individually is a work in progress but like HOV would say, “together who gon’ stop us?”

I’m thankful for all the ways we make each other better, for all the ways we choose each other every day. For the honesty and vulnerability that allows me to feel so safe with you. I’m thankful for the space you give me to shine in my authenticity. I’m unashamed and unapologetic when I’m with you. I never worry about trying to make a home out of you because I’ve never had to ask your permission to be at home with myself.

You have made a year full of becoming and losing, soft and steady for me.

I love you.

…….

Daddy.

This wound is still raw. I’m at LAX. Airports aren’t the same anymore. I lost you while on airplane. It was my older brother’s voice on the answering machine. I’ve never heard him cry before. His loss was so different than mine, I could here the uniqueness of his pain over the phone. We related to you so differently. He just recently discovering you, and I, knowing the different versions of the father you had to offer us. Your love was complicated. It was selfish and sometimes showboaty. It was warm and full of pride. Being your child is a one of a kind experience that only my siblings and I can understand.

I went from Daddy’s girl to stranger to best friend. The relationship we built when I became an adult is something I will forever be grateful for. You loved that I always told you the truth, whether you liked it or not and I loved that I could be so honest with you and you owned up to your shortcomings. You grew up and grew into the father I needed you to be.

Losing you so soon feels cruel. It feels unfair. There are mornings where I wake up crying and nights were I’m so scared I can’t fall asleep. I’ve developed a paranoia so intense I get scared when Brandon walks out of the door. Knowing you’re never coming back has cast a shadow on everything I do.

I wish you could have met Brandon daddy. All those years, showing my photo to every eligible bachelor you met and every phone call I had to listen to the same question about when I was going to get married.

I found the love of my life and he’ll never know you.

He loves and takes care of me the way you would have wanted and I see a lot of you in him, like his sweet tooth and awful sense of humor.

I hear you in my head dad. Even right now I hear you saying, “that’s good baby.”

I’m grappling with losing the pieces of you that matter to me the most, like the sound of your voice.

I lost the last voicemail you left me. What happens when I can’t hear you in my head anymore? Waking up to a birthday where I won’t get a phone call from you is devastating. It’s the reason I wake up crying and have very little will to get out of bed.

It’s been eight weeks and the weight of it all only seems to be getting heavier. The Prince song, I Would Die for You is playing over and over again. I think about you singing it to me when I was a very little girl. I catch myself wishing you would have lived for me.

And on my 27th birthday, I feel you telling me, I need to live for myself.

I miss you daddy and I’ll be loving you always.

…

My life looks so different than it did 365 days ago. I know that every lesson, blessing and heartbreak that I’ve experienced this year will serve a purpose. Here’s to another 365 days around the sun.

Raven