#I am head over heels for Natsuki's journey here

[mxanigel]

Incoming Pillars of Eternity rambles! (I tried to make my thoughts coherent. Emphasis on tried.) Now that I've reached Defiance Bay, I've been devouring the game this weekend to help me recuperate from recent life stuff, but this morning I had to pause to digest how much the events have affected Natsuki.

For context, Natsuki is a crime-solving moon godlike scientist ranger who initially leans clever, rational, stoic (except for certain things). Diplomatic tendencies partly arise from navigating her pursuit of science and clues and from being a moon godlike. Rational thinking because scientist and because that mindset helped her develop archery skills early on. Prefers honesty to lies but will bend the truth if it helps someone else. Yet becoming a Watcher and learning more than she ever wanted to know about Awakening and soul manipulation… well, that understandably changes a person. She never expected to be considered benevolent. But benevolence is understandable when you're able to read someone else's soul, isn't it?

-----

Recent Caed Nua things:

Natsuki explored more levels in the Endless Paths and got gut punched by Kana's discovery of the truth of the Tanvii ora Toha (Book of Virtues, ooooof)

Was called to court over a dispute of ownership and ended up able to keep Caed Nua because said disputer is a pathetic person

Loves her Mechanics bonus from resting at the stronghold -> she's much less likely to trigger traps now! to her companions' relief

Recent events:

Natsuki imprisoned the impostor of a drug dealer (who later escaped…) and probably meddled too much in the relationship between the real drug dealer and his ex? fiancee

She helped a kid get a fancy dagger and totally burst his bubble by revealing she'd already discovered the secret stashing spot near the amphitheater

Wandered catacombs in search of the source of a long-dead voice and accidentally moved forward a main quest by stumbling into the temple of Woedica (a moon godlike trying to wear a hood doesn't go well, haha) -> ended up taking down creepy catacombs dude and then convincing the quest-giver to destroy the amulet

Spoke at length with a talking statue and has a growing concern with how souls are treated in this world (okay maybe that's more me than Natsuki) with a side effect of starting to wonder whether pursuit of science is worth the cost

Was a bit too giddy about offering Aloth as a "volunteer" to investigate his soul duality condition (she made the two of them talk to each other like adults and was adamantly against him destroying the data gathered in the process)

Retrieved a scroll and instead of returning it, she buried it because a god(?!) asked her to

Discovered Durance's involvement with the Godhammer

Later stumbled across a piece of the Godhammer bomb

Was wholly unprepared to enter the North Ward of the Sanitarium (what. the. fuck.) and ended up killing Azo

Found a ghost who didn't realize he was a ghost playing guide at the above-ground entrance(?) to the temple of Woedica

Drooled with Kana over the bookshelves in the Hall of Revealed Mysteries but came to her senses long enough to use Grimda's key to help an animancy researcher get a text useful in their studies

Figured going to Heritage Hill wouldn't be a big deal and then got wrecked

Also now they're getting attacked by assassins in Defiance Bay

But hey, at least those events boosted Natsuki's reputation enough for Edér to access the records he's been seeking…

Okay. So the Heritage Hill thing. It was bad enough to stumble across the plight of a terrified child surviving amidst the unliving. And then find that an undead soldier was luring her compatriots to their deaths. But that damned tower. Specifically, talking to Icantha about it. The pride of hers that Natsuki felt, the pride Natsuki had to chip away from to reach a rational conclusion, the pride that resonated with Natsuki's own sense of identity. The pride that casually manipulated countless souls… for what purpose? Knowledge? Power? Control? People aren't playthings, aren't resources, aren't materials. They are people. The living shouldn't be abused by the dead.

Yet what it takes for Natsuki to chip away at that pride… is talking like she once herself did about being a scientist. About pursuing knowledge and understanding and wisdom. She convinces Icantha to give up that pride under the hope that Natsuki will carry the knowledge forward on her behalf. And then Natsuki overloads the tower so that no one else can abuse those souls. Despite knowing the souls would be destroyed, it's better than them being abused. Isn't it?

Now Natsuki has too many questions storming through her already overly-taxed mind: What does it mean to be "good"? What does it mean to pursue knowledge? Can knowledge be gained without harm or sacrifice? When is that knowledge worth the cost?

Her remaining tether is helping her companions. Who occasionally seem to notice when she's faltering. Thank the gods for Sagani and Edér and, well, everyone in her party.

[patchwork-panda]

If A Moment Is All We Are (36/?)

AO3 link HERE

S1 OP2 HERE

“Wait,” I sputtered, looking from the paper to the bandaged brunette. “They said they weren’t going to be able to get this to me until—”

“Well,” Dazai drawled, “the nice lady on the phone said that it sounded like your case was pretty urgent. So she sent it over a little early as a thank you for helping them close the CORVID case from last time.”

“So, it’s not really a present from you,” I deadpanned, lowering the page and shooting him a look.

“I still thought it would make you happy,” Dazai replied, shrugging.

He grinned.

“Did it?”

“Yeah...” I begrudgingly admitted, “it did. But it still doesn’t count.”

“Okay.”

And as he stuck his hands in his pockets and turned to go, I suddenly remembered there was something I needed to ask him.

“Dazai-san, wait.”

He stopped walking away immediately. However, as if sensing what I was about to ask, he didn’t turn around.

“I’m listening,” he said quietly.

I scrutinized him.

“About yesterday...” I started. “What did you and Kunikida-san talk about in the break room after I left?”

“Hmm, yesterday...” Dazai mused, rocking back a little on his heels. “Can’t recall.”

“You’re lying.”

“Am I?” he asked, tilting his head up so that he was looking at the ceiling instead of me. “And how would you know that? Were you listening in?”

I flinched.

“You’re not answering the question.”

“And neither are you.”

He began heading for the front door.

“Dazai-san—!”

“If you want to know what we talked about so badly,” he said at last, pausing with one half-bandaged hand on the door. “Then I would suggest speaking to Kunikida-kun himself about it. I did tell you yesterday, didn’t I?”

He opened the door and walked out.

“It was a private conversation.”

“Dazai—!” I called out.

But it was too late. The door had already closed.

It was no longer just Yosano. Now Dazai was pushing me to confess to Kunikida, too. Even though I wasn’t ready...

Frustrated and confused, I felt the note crumpling in my hand just a moment too late and I cursed under my breath as I stalked back to my desk to smooth it out again.

“To my dearest Shin-kun...”

I skimmed down the page until I got to the place where I’d left off reading yesterday.

“In several years time, you will be a history professor at your chosen university, lecturing starry-eyed students while your research papers make it into journals read all around the world. And not only that, but you’ll have Natsuki-chan, while I...”

I squinted at the page and smoothed out the creases one more time. This was where the note looked like it had been blurred with drops of water—Kei’s tears.

“I must complete the remainder of my journey in some other way.

You must know or have guessed by now that I was denied admission to the program in England. I knew it was going to be a long shot, but I still can’t describe to you the devastation I felt upon reading the rejection. It was foolish of me, I know, to have ignored your advice and refused to apply to other schools in Japan, but I felt I simply had to leave. My parents are no longer around and the remainder of my estranged relatives have long since moved abroad.

You are my only remaining family now and I cannot bear to taint your happiness any more than I already have. I feel as if I have been a burden to you for far too long already and now that your engagement to Natsuki has been formalized, I realize I have long since overstayed my welcome.

I have a confession to make, dear brother. A confession and an apology. I haven’t been able to look at you or Natsuki the same way again after the night you proposed to her. Sometimes, I wonder if you can see it, the regret, the range of emotions that I feel when I see you two together. I must confess that I have not been as happy for you as I said I was. I lied through my teeth when Natsuki asked me if I was alright and I have been lying to you both ever since.

I do not wish to harbor any more ill will towards the two of you. Not when neither of you have done anything wrong. Indeed, it was I who made mistakes—and far too many at this point to keep track of. I have no one but myself to blame for how things have turned out and it is all because I found myself too afraid to move forward with my life.

Shin, my brother, my friend...

Do not cry for me when I am gone.

Although I attended classes with you and stayed by your side as your roommate, I had been dying a little each day since the middle of the last semester. I have learned a most painful lesson—a lesson I hope you can learn through me and not have to experience for yourself.

Shin-kun...

In remembrance of our old days, I offer you one final piece of advice.

Do not let what has happened to me ever. EVER. happen to you.

I want you to understand that if you do not move with Life, it moves on without you. You become a shade of your former self, fading a little with each passing day until you are merely a breath in a body passing through the world.

Please, if you have any love left for your foolish elder brother, heed my advice and continue to live your life to the fullest. Leave me and my broken dreams behind and chase what is precious to you.

And now... now that there is only one thing left for me to do, I would like to make a request. One final, selfish request.”

I felt my lips moving along with my eyes as I read the last sentence aloud.

“Please... take good care of our beloved Natsuki.”

I lowered the page and let it rest on my desk.

“I’ll be seeing you.”

Our beloved Natsuki?

I thought back to the elegant woman I’d spoken to on the tree-lined path. I reached for the folder with all the photos taken at Kei’s apartment the night he’d killed himself.

That’s right, she, Shin and Kei were all friends at some point in time. From what the professor had told me that day at the cemetery, it sounded like he, and probably Kei as well, had met Natsuki after getting into the university.

Shaking the contents of the folder out on the table, I moved all the photos aside one by one until I found the one I was looking for.

That photo in Professor Matsuyama’s office—the photo of the three friends—must have been taken while Shin and Kei were grad students. Natsuki seemed to be at least four years younger than her husband, so there’s no way they could’ve all met as undergrads. Which means...

I placed the photo depicting the couch, table and TV stand in the center of the table and placed a magnifying glass over the set of pictures in the TV stand.

That photo was first displayed in Kei and Shin’s shared graduate housing apartment.

And as I placed the photo showing the TV stand next to the photo of Kei’s body sitting on the couch, I began connecting the dots.

Kei had been looking at that photo the moment he pulled the trigger. And given the way he had talked in the suicide note, I was absolutely sure of the reason why...

I placed Kei’s suicide note on top of the two photos.

Kei had been in love with Natsuki.

I bit my lip.

A love triangle. Was this the reason the professor felt so guilty about Kei’s death even though it was clear that the man had killed himself? Had they been fighting over Natsuki before the engagement was formalized?

A sharp ringing pierced the air and I looked to my bag to see my phone vibrating inside.

I picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Kusunoki-san?”

My eyes widened.

“Nomura-san...”

I glanced back down at the photos I’d just rearranged.

Good timing.

“Good morning. Are you calling to get an update about the case?”

“Ah, not quite...”

Nomura sounded hesitant. I could hear the sound of rustling leaves in the background.

“I’m sorry to call so early in the morning but I was hoping you could help with something.”

I raised an eyebrow.

Don’t tell me he’s going to ask me to tail the professor again?

“Uh, that depends...” I trailed off, my eyes momentarily flicking to the door. “Is it related to the case?”

“It is,” Nomura said, his voice momentarily cut off by static. “I was actually hoping you could...”

The rest of his words were lost in another burst of static.

I pulled the phone away from my ear for a moment and walked towards the nearest window.

“Hello? Nomura-san?” I half-shouted into the receiver, cringing a little as I caught the strange look from Tanizaki as he passed by in the background.

I smushed myself against the glass, pressing my phone as close to the window as I could.

“You’re breaking up. Can you say that again?”

“I was wondering if...!” Nomura’s voice returned, much clearer this time. I heard the crackling noises fade as the words finally burst from Nomura’s mouth:

“I was wondering if you could help me find the professor!”

I froze.

“What?”

“I said!” Nomura shouted, “Can you help me find the professor? He’s missing!!”

“Missing?” I stuttered. “What do you mean missing? Didn’t you just see him last night?”

“Well, yeah, but that was last night!” Nomura pressed. “I’m on campus right now. I went by his office to drop off some of his books but when I got there, it was locked. And when I peeked in the window, there was no one there—in fact, the whole room looked deserted!”

“Wait a minute,” I interrupted, “Nomura-san, why did you go to his office to return his books? Didn’t you know?”

“Know what?” Nomura asked, now sounding a little on edge.

“That yesterday was the professor’s last day?”

I gripped the phone more tightly in my hands.

“Weren’t you out at dinner last night because you were celebrating?”

“W-what?! No!”

I heard Nomura fumbling with the phone a little as he spoke.

“He just said he wanted to take Natsuki-san and me out for dinner last night. A-and that he had some more books he wanted to give me.”

“Books?”

My eyes settled upon the globe Professor Matsuyama had sent me. It rotated slightly on its squeaking axis as a small breeze wafted in from one of the open windows.

“Y-yeah,” Nomura continued, his voice hushed. “He said these were some of his favorites and that he wanted me to have them.”

Giving away his treasured things...

I chewed on my lip.

“Go on...”

“So, I figured since I still have a bunch of his things over at my dorm, I should return his old books before I got everything mixed up,” Nomura said. “And that’s when I realized there was no one at the office. Then, when I tried calling him just now...”

A sinking feeling bloomed in the pit of my gut.

“He... he didn’t answer.”

I didn’t speak. I just kept on chewing my lip as Nomura continued talking.

“Then, when I called Natsuki-san to see if maybe she knew where he might be, she didn’t pick up either. Kusunoki-san...”

The sinking feeling turned into a familiar gnawing sensation and once again, I found myself visualizing the professor standing in the graveyard before Kei’s headstone.

“...should I be worried?”

“L-let’s not jump to any conclusions just yet,” I said, sounding far more confident than I felt. “Maybe they just went out to run errands somewhere and couldn’t pick up? Or maybe they just didn’t hear...”

I started heading back to my desk, my eyes glued to the photographs and documents strewn across its surface.

“Why don’t you head over to their house? See if they’re there.”

Grabbing my jacket off its hook, I threw it on and started stuffing every last paper pertaining to the case into my bag.

“If they’re not there, call me and we’ll figure out what to do then.”

I think I might know where he is...

“I’m going to see if I can find him on my own.”

It’s just a hunch...

“O-okay,” Nomura said, still sounding just a touch nervous. “But... what if you can’t find him?”

A small, but unsteady grin came to my face.

But even if I’m wrong...

“You hired a member of the Armed Detective Agency, Nomura-san,” I said, slinging my bag over my shoulder. “Rest assured...”

I grabbed the doorknob and turned.

“I will do everything I can to find him.”

***

I closed the door to the taxi and turned towards the familiar set of gates up ahead.

The cemetery...

I gripped my bag a little tighter as I headed in, past the pair of marble angels flanking the entrance.

Honestly, I wasn’t all that confident that Professor Matsuyama was here; he could be out running errands or reading a book in a cafe.

But if he wanted to go somewhere quiet, somewhere no one else knew about so that he could have a private moment...

I paused in the middle of the grounds, shielding my eyes from the sun as I searched for the hilltop with the tree, the one on which S. Oda was buried.

Wouldn’t it make sense for him to come here?

Finding the hilltop at last, I stopped shielding my eyes and headed towards it.

Masaoka Kei... Matsuyama Shin’s best friend turned brother. Kei had met Shin in high school, lived with him as an adopted sibling and helped him with his studies. Thanks to that help, Shin had been able to attend a prestigious university for his undergraduate studies and eventually did so well in school that he actually surpassed Kei. Then, sometime during grad school, the two met and later fell in love with Natsuki.

I hiked my bag a little higher on my shoulder as I began ascending the hill.

By the end of grad school, Shin and Natsuki were engaged. Shin, having been accepted into his dream program, would go on to become Professor Matsuyama, while Kei, who was rejected from his, despaired that he no longer had any real place in the world and committed suicide.

I sighed.

Even without the added complication of a love triangle, it sounded like Kei had been dealing with a lot. It seemed unlikely to me that Kei had killed himself solely because he’d lost Natsuki to Shin, but if that was the case... why did it seem like Shin blamed himself for Kei’s death?

I frowned.

Actually, it seemed like both Kei and Shin blamed themselves for what happened.  But why? Why did each of them act so guilty when it came to Natsuki and why had she chosen Shin instead of Kei?

And as I made it to the top of the hill and paused for a moment to take in the view, I thought I saw a familiar figure standing among the headstones... a figure in pale, cream colored clothes with long, wavy sand-colored hair...

I let out a gasp.

“Matsuyama... Natsuki?”

I ran to her.

“Matsuyama-san!”

She looked up at the sound of my voice, her dark brown eyes going wide with recognition as I finally came to a stop before her.

“Oh!”

She brought her hand to her lips as I dropped my bag on the ground and tried to catch my breath.

“You’re the girl I met on campus,” she said, bowing slightly as I tried to do the same. “Nomura-kun’s friend. What was your name again?”

“It’s Kusunoki,” I gasped, wiping the sweat off my forehead. “Nice to see you again, ma’am.”

“Likewise,” Natsuki said, smiling. “Now, what brings you here so early in the morning?”

She looked around at the graves.

“Are you here to visit someone?”

“Oh, uh...”

My eyes darted back towards the hillside, where S. Oda was buried.

“Kind of.”

I smiled.

“What about you?” I asked, noting the bouquet of bright yellow flowers in her hand.

I’d thought for sure that Natsuki didn’t know about the cemetery, given that the professor had asked me to keep his visits to Kei’s grave a secret from her.

Is she here alone?

“Who are you here to see?”

“Ah.”

Smiling wistfully, Natsuki turned towards Kei’s grave.

“I believe I told you about my old friend Kei the last time we spoke?”

No honorifics...?

I studied her.

That’s right. She hadn’t used honorifics that first time either.

“Y-yeah, you did,” I mumbled, watching as Natsuki knelt and placed the flowers—Adonis blossoms—on the marker on the ground.

“Well...”

She paused and lifted one hand to the name on the headstone.

“This is his grave,” she said, tracing the characters carved on the gleaming white surface with the tips of her fingers. “I try to come and visit him at least once a year, usually on his birthday, if I can, but this year...”

Her fingers dropped away from the last number on the right—the day Kei had killed himself, almost exactly fifteen years ago.

“Something came up and I had to settle for coming today instead.”

Natsuki turned to look me, her smile growing sheepish.

“I try to keep my visits here a secret from my husband, you see. He doesn’t like to talk about Kei...”

She lowered her eyes.

“I know that makes him sound like a cold person, not wanting to talk about someone he was once so close to, but that really couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Her smile softened.

“My husband is a kind, sensitive man and I know how much it hurts him to think about what happened. I believe the kindest thing I can do for him is to try not to mention it, even if I understand that this won’t lessen the pain or help him forget. Not that either of us could, even if we wanted to...”

She trailed off, staring ahead at the grave as a light ocean breeze wafted through the cemetery. The bright yellow petals of the Adonis flowers waved back and forth on the right side of Kei’s grave marker and as I moved a little closer to Natsuki, a spot of dull beige and white caught my eye.

I stopped in my tracks.

It was the bouquet of white chrysanthemums that Professor Matsuyama had left the other day. Natsuki had placed her flowers right next to his.

“I know my husband has been coming here to visit Kei without me,” Natsuki said quietly, her eyes focused on the two bouquets. “And I understand why. Kei’s death was devastating to him and I’m sure it still haunts him to this very day.”

Her words brought back the memory of the professor, standing in her place, his voice pitched up into an agonized cry of pain...

“That’s why,” she continued, closing her eyes at last, “I don’t say anything and pretend I don’t know about his visits. And why I come here to visit Kei on my own instead.”

“So then, Professor Matsuyama...”

“He’s at home,” Natsuki said. “He said he wanted to be alone for a while and so, I decided to come here after running my errands.”

I couldn’t help breathing a sigh of relief.

“I... I see.”

Thank God. Then Nomura should be able to find him and stay with him. In that case, maybe he was going to be alright.

“I wish,” Natsuki murmured, “more than anything, that he and I could just talk about it, about the things that happened fifteen years ago. But I don’t think he’ll ever do it. I think talking to me about Kei just makes him feel unbearably guilty. Not to mention...”

Her smile grew smaller and disappeared.

“...insecure.”

I felt my breath catch in my throat.

“Matsuyama-san...”

I gripped my bag tightly as she continued to kneel there, silently gazing at Kei’s grave.

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, as another soft breeze wafted through the graveyard.

“Because...”

The breeze picked up into a full gust of wind and as I wrapped my arms around my body, Natsuki looked up at last.

“You remind me of myself from fifteen years ago.”

I froze.

“What?”

“I know,” she said, her voice breaking with the barest traces of a laugh. “It sounds crazy. I don’t even understand it myself but there’s just something about you, something familiar.”

Taking a handkerchief out of her pocket, she dabbed at her reddened eyes and nose. Even with her mascara running and her face slightly blotchy from crying, she still looked so elegant...

I tucked a lock of choppy black hair behind my ear as the wind picked back up.

How could someone like me remind her of herself?

“For some reason,” Natsuki laughed, glancing up at me from her place before Kei’s grave, “I feel as if by talking to you, I’m talking to myself from fifteen years ago and if I can tell you what I wish I’d known back then—”

She paused to wipe the tears from her eyes as they fell.

“Then perhaps all of this could have been avoided. Perhaps if I’d decided to become Masaoka-san instead of Matsuyama-san, Kei would still be here.”

Her lower lip trembled.

“But then again,” she sobbed. “If I’d done that, what if that means I’d be kneeling here in front of Shin’s grave instead?”

My bag fell to the ground.

“Matsuyama-san...”

I dropped to my knees next to her.

“What are you saying?”

Natsuki sniffled again. I waited for a moment as she blew her nose and slowly calmed down.

“I think...” she said quietly, her voice so soft I could barely hear it above the rustling trees. “Rather than listening to any clumsy explanation of mine.”

Her hand went to the pocket of her dress, from which she carefully drew out a thin set of folded papers, which were slightly wrinkled and just a touch yellowed with age.

“It would be easiest to let Kei explain it to you himself.”

And as she slowly held it out to me, I realized that her hand was shaking.

“Matsuyama-san...”

My eyes flicked from the paper to the woman holding it.

“W-what is this?”

“A letter,” Natsuki said simply. “Written by Kei and addressed to me. I got it about a week after he died. My husband... Shin... doesn’t know about it. It was sent directly to me at my dorm. Not even the roommate I lived with knows it exists.”

The tears began to fall again.

“I think if you read it, you’ll understand.”

“Are... are you sure?” I asked, glancing from her to the paper and back. “It seems so personal.”

Natsuki nodded.

“Yes. It would feel like a relief for someone to finally know my secret at last.”

“I feel a bit better after talking to you...”

I could almost hear Professor Matsuyama’s voice floating back to me on the sea breeze.

“Knowing that Nomura-kun will at least know my shame after all these years... However...”

I watched as Natsuki dabbed at her eyes yet again, her eyelashes sparkling with tears.

“I’d like to remind you to please, please keep what I’ve said to you from my wife. If she were to find out how horribly I have wronged Kei...”

I sighed.

How ironic...

Lifting my hand, I reached for the letter.

If only the two of them—no, maybe the three of them—had been able to talk more openly with one another, all of this could’ve been avoided.

I took the letter from Natsuki and began to read.

“To Natsuki-san:

I hope this letter finds you well. If you are reading this, then that means I’ve followed through on my plans to end my life and have departed this world for the next.

I know this must seem like a great shock, getting a letter from a dead man, but I’m not sending this letter in order to scare you... I’m sending this because I feel I owe you an explanation.

I’m not sure how much Shin-kun has told you about my situation but as you can probably guess, it wasn’t good. Truth be told, I’d been planning to leave the country for ages and against Shin’s warnings, I’d stacked all my hopes and dreams on it. I was hoping to make a new life for myself in England, to start over and finally make something of myself but... I failed. I was foolish enough to not have any backup plans so that when the whole situation fell through, I didn’t have any idea what to do.

My first thought was to ask you and Shin-kun for help. I thought perhaps if the three of us could continue on in the way we had, then I could find a way through. But then... everything changed. And I realized I could not find it in me to impose upon you any longer.”

He must be referring to the engagement...

I glanced over the letter at Natsuki, to see if she was watching me but she just continued to sit there quietly with her eyes closed, her lips moving as if reciting the contents of the letter from memory.

I kept reading.

“That’s why I avoided you both for the next several days. It wasn’t that I was upset with either of you or that the two of you had done anything wrong.

No, more than anything... I was upset at myself.

I was so focused on trying to carve out a place for myself in a new country, in the far future that I completely failed to notice what was happening right in front of me. I could see that my feelings for you were slowly changing from those of friendship to something more but I couldn’t find it in me to admit it to myself. In a moment of confusion, I tried talking to Shin about it a short time ago. But I’m afraid that the conversation did not go the way I had planned. Rather than allowing him to advise me on what to do, the conversation we had only made him realize that he, too, had long since fallen head over heels for you.

And how could he not?

Shimomura Natsuki, you are... kind, intelligent, beautiful and generous. I understood the danger I was in from the first moment I laid eyes on you but I paid those feelings no mind. Getting to know you and spend time with you were among the greatest joys of my life. Even now, I would not trade those days away for anything.

But those days are now past.

You’ve chosen Shin, my best friend and brother, the man I love above all others and I couldn’t be more understanding of your choice. I’m so proud of him and how far he has come and after my rejection letter came, I understood that I could not give you the happy, comfortable life that he would be able to provide.

I thought... that it would be best for me to depart for the next life with no one but the gods knowing my secret. But then I realized that I couldn’t bear to hide the truth from you any longer.

Natsuki-san...

You must have guessed by now what my secret is. I fear Shin may have guessed it as well but I sincerely hope he hasn’t. It would tear him up inside to know that my feelings for you are the same as his and I fear he may blame himself if he knew.

I do not want that.

I do not want either of you to blame yourselves for what has happened to me. What I want... is for the two of you to have the longest and happiest of marriages and as many pets, children and grandchildren as you could possibly want. I want you to leave your old friend Kei behind in the past, where he belongs and continue on to a brighter future.

Take care of my brother for me.

I leave you with love,

Masaoka Kei.”

I lowered the pages.

“This is a goodbye letter...” I whispered, glancing over it at the woman kneeling beside me at the grave.

“And a confession.”

Natsuki nodded and blew her nose yet again. I felt my heart twinge at the sight of her blotchy face and I wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort her. But instead, I just held the letter back out and sat there silently as she took it and put it back into her pocket.

Poor Natsuki...

I bit my lip, watching as the silent tears continued to drip down Natsuki’s face.

Caught between two men who both loved her and that she loved in return...

I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d been in such a situation.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, staring at the cobblestones between us. “For sharing that with me.”

“No,” Natsuki said, shaking her head. “Thank you for sharing my secret. It’s been fifteen years... fifteen years and one week since Kei died. I know what he said in the letter but.”

She let out a shaky breath.

“I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I had chosen him instead. It’s not that I didn’t like him, you know.”

She cracked a small smile.

“He was so tall, and so handsome. I loved the way he laughed and more than once I wondered if I should pluck up the guts to ask him out.”

“Kusunoki...”

My hands twisted in my lap.

Something about the way she spoke suddenly made me think of Kunikida...

“But he and Shin were so close,” she continued. “I was afraid of making things awkward if my feelings were to become known. So, I kept them to myself. Then, during his last year of school, Kei began pulling away from me. He... He kept talking about moving away to England and starting over and I...”

She sighed.

“I was so upset that I cried for a week. I thought maybe he’d figured me out and wanted to reject me kindly. But then, I started spending more time with Shin. And I began to fall for him instead...”

She looked away. I thought I saw the traces of a blush coloring her cheeks.

“He was so kind to me. And so full of energy. I could see that he was the kind of man who knew what he wanted and where he wanted to be in life and before I knew it, we were engaged.”

Smiling a little, she lifted her left hand up to her face. The bright morning sun caught on her finger and I found myself looking at an absolutely breathtaking opal ring shining on her ring finger.

“Shin bought this for me with some money he borrowed from his parents,” she said, noticing my eyes on it. “He said opals represented love and hope in Ancient Rome and he wanted to get me something that could symbolize a bright future together.”

“That was very sweet,” I said, returning her smile. “I can see why you chose him.”

Natsuki nodded.

“You can, can’t you?”

The low notes of a ship’s horn sounded from far in the distance, across the bay and as I turned towards the water, the older woman stood.

“Thank you for listening to my story, Kusunoki-san,” Natsuki said, tucking a strand of long, sandy hair behind her ear. “I appreciate your being here to comfort a foolish woman in her moment of weakness.”

Her smile grew.

“I wonder if this may be part of why my husband spends so much time talking to Nomura-kun about history. Sometimes it’s nice to speak of the past to someone younger, someone who still has much to do and may perhaps benefit from the lessons of a bygone era. Perhaps...”

She turned slightly, facing the water as well, and I watched as the breeze lifted through her long hair and the sunlight brightened her face.

Natsuki’s smile softened as she glanced back at me.

“Perhaps it’s time to revisit the idea of adopting children with Shin...”

Having children... with the man you love...

Without warning, the image of tall, blonde Kunikida returned.

My face began to burn.

“Th-that sounds nice,” I mumbled, turning away.

Great, now I’m thinking about Kunikida again...

My heart sank at the thought of the man as I’d last seen him, sitting alone in the middle of the training room floor, his back to me and his face in his hands.

Was he still mad at me?

“It does, doesn’t it?” Natsuki said, beaming. “I hope that the two of you can find happiness someday too, whoever it is you’re thinking about.”

“Huh?!”

I spun and gawked at her as she brought a hand up to her mouth and giggled.

“Forgive me,” she laughed, her hand still covering her mouth. “It’s just... the look on your face. It’s clear you’re thinking about someone special to you the way Shin is special to me—”

“Ahh, let’s not talk about that,” I stammered, diving for my bag so I wouldn’t have to see the amused expression on Natsuki’s face any longer. “I should probably get going. I don’t even know what time it is—”

“Oh, yes, I’m so sorry!” Natsuki gasped, bowing quickly in apology. “I didn’t mean to keep you from your busy schedule.”

“N-no, it’s okay,” I insisted, finding my phone at last. “I was just going to meet up with Nomura-kun, see if he’d found—”

I stopped talking immediately, realizing what it was I’d almost said.

That’s right, the professor...!

I flipped open my phone.

I’d been here for almost forty minutes and there were no missed calls.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

If that was the case, then maybe Nomura had found Professor Matsuyama. I’d specifically told him to call me only if he couldn’t find the man...

“Nomura-kun?” Natsuki said, tapping her chin. “Ah, if you need to call him, you should probably go beyond that big tree on the hill.”

She took out her own phone and held it up so that I could see it.

“I’m afraid there’s really no signal once you’re out past that point,” she said apologetically.

“Ah...”

I felt a subtle tightening in my stomach as I nodded.

“Right, thanks for telling me.”

“No problem. I’m going to stay here for a little while longer but, please say hi to Nomura-kun for me.”

She bowed again and I did the same.

“I will, thank you for everything, Natsuki-san.”

“No...”

Natsuki turned back towards Kei’s grave.

“Thank you...”

***

So the mystery was solved...

I kept my eyes on my phone as I walked up the path and headed past the tree on the hill.

Professor Matsuyama had figured out that his best friend Kei was in love with Natsuki, same as him. And yet, because he’d asked Natsuki to marry him and she’d said yes, he thought he’d taken Natsuki away from Kei and in doing so, had inadvertently killed his friend. Sure, there was a lot going on in Kei’s mind and in his life, but in the professor’s mind, this must’ve been the final straw.

This was why he blamed himself for Kei’s death.

Hmm... I probably should’ve taken a picture of the letter but that would’ve looked a little too suspicious.

I sighed, watching the bars on my phone begin to go up as I continued up the stairs.

Lack of communication, huh? What if the three of them had been more honest with each other fifteen years ago? Would the result have been, as Natsuki wondered, her marrying Kei and then Shin killing himself instead of Kei? Did both brothers have suicidal tendencies even then?

Speaking of which...

I stopped at the top of the hill, near S. Oda’s grave as all five bars on my phone finally appeared.

I wonder if Nomura found the professor yet?

And just as the thought finished echoing in my head, the first notification appeared: a text message from Nomura.

“W-what?!”

I nearly dropped my phone as notification after notification rocked my phone, the tiny device beeping and buzzing as they kept coming, message after message, all from Nomura. I went to the message center and opened up the first one so I could read them in order.

“Kusunoki-san,” the first one read. “I made it to the professor’s house pretty quick but it doesn’t look like there’s anyone here. I’m going to try ringing the doorbell and waiting a little longer.”

The next one read: “While I was waiting, I suddenly remembered that the professor had told me where they kept a spare key, in case of emergencies. I’m going to look for it.”

I clicked “next.”

“I found it! I’m going in through the back.”

I’d just finished reading it when a flash of red caught my eye. I looked to my phone app and gasped.

“Ten missed calls?!”

I clicked “play” on my voicemail and held the phone to my ear, my stomach suddenly churning with nerves.

“Kusunoki-san!” Nomura’s voice came through, the patchiness of the static unable to hide the sheer panic in his voice. “I don’t know where you went but please, please pick up! I can’t find the professor but I found something else! He—he left a message on his kitchen table for his wife...! He—”

** A loud clattering went through the receiver and I realized with a start that Nomura had dropped the phone. The line clicked dead but the next message began to play almost instantly.

“Kusunoki-san, it’s me again, Nomura—”

He sounds like he’s on the verge of tears...!

“I—I read the letter! I need to bring it to you and show you but, oh, God—”

I had to strain to hear his next words through what sounded like a choked sob.

“It’s a suicide note...! He says—”

I sank to my knees and let the phone drop to the ground. It bounced along the cobblestones with a sharp clattering noise, Nomura’s panicked shouts echoing through the air.

“He says he’s going to kill himself!”

***

ED HERE