#I am happily wearing my clown makeup every week

[respectthepetty]

I . . . *concentrating on breathing deeply and slowly so I don't hyperventilate*

I just . . . *breathing getting quicker even though I'm trying to calm down*

I . . . I . . . *heart is racing at an alarming speed*

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO FUCKING MUCH!

The previews haven't lied to us once! The previews told us Pisaeng was going to show up at Kawi's in his wedding tux and kiss him, and he did. The previews showed us Pisaeng was going to confess to Kawi on the rooftop, and he did! Then the previews said Kawi would kiss Pisaeng, AND HE DID!

Kawi told Pear he liked her and she kindly rejected him. Pisaeng told Pear he has no feelings for her beyond friendship. Pisaeng told Kawi he liked him, and Kawi kindly told Pisaeng the feelings were not reciprocated.

AND NOW THIS!

And this!

Kawi intended to tell Pisaeng he is from the future, and even though Pisaeng probably thought Kawi was drunk rambling, it matters that Kawi wants to tell Pisaeng. And for Pisaeng to have felt he was gay for YEARS, and finally have the confidence to tell his mom that he doesn't need her approval or shielding from reality was amazing.

This show isn't lying to us! I can trust it! Because when Pisaeng asked Max if he felt isolated after realizing he was gay, Max answered honestly.

This has been a big discussion this week for Step by Step, so seeing the boundaries between Max and Pisaeng although Max is slightly crossing it, shows there is hesitation on both sides, but they are growing closer. Unlike these clear boundaries.

Kawi had a double boundary with Pear after he realized Pisaeng told her his issue, but with Pisaeng, Kawi was boxed in the boundary.

It started at the dinner, with Pisaeng's window being opened but Kawi boxed in.

And it continued throughout the night until Kawi crossed the line multiple times (IN THE PINK!).

And after that, they were boxed in, together.

It's great that Pisaeng's mom stated that Pisaeng never brings anyone over because she said it due to Pisaeng bringing a drunk Kawi home, but we learned Kawi was there earlier, and very sober, to get a shirt from Pisaeng, and they were boxed in together then as well. So will Pisaeng's place serve as their safe space?

Even more interesting is, much like Step by Step and the rich boys' closets, Pisaeng's closet has mirrors (reflective) and glass.

After Pisaeng's conversation with his mom, we realize that Pisaeng, much like Step by Step's Jeng, isn't closeted but can't be OUT out. Pisaeng has known he was different and has been sad and isolated since with his ironic Cheers Queers Beer.

I mentioned it last week, but this show is really harping on the honesty aspect for all its characters. Kawi, who never drank before, is trying to drown all his conflicted feelings in alcohol instead of being honest with himself. Pear's dad encouraged MORE drinking, while Pisaeng refused to drink what his mother offers him. Kawi is running but Pisaeng is done trying to bury his emotions.

But when Kawi woke up the next day after kissing Pisaeng, he immediately asked Pisaeng if it was a dream at breakfast, then he attempted to ask Pisaeng about it again.

And right before he crossed the line with Pisaeng AGAIN and leaned his head on Pisaeng's shoulder, he admitted that he hates himself for "sucking so much" that he needs constant help from everyone else.

Because the first time Kawi crossed the line was to stop Pisaeng from leaving, which caused him to apologize to Pisaeng for being a jerk, and we'll see him ask Pisaeng to stay AGAIN next week in the hospital. Kawi is literally and figuratively starting to reach out for comfort.

This show really is telling us that being ourselves is good enough, but we have to be honest with ourselves so we can figure out who we really are.

I HATE that Not cannot stop putting his own foot in his mouth every two seconds, but Pear pushing back against what he believes is a "straight man" is the type of reflection the show is commanding of its characters and us as the audience.

Max questioned Kawi about what is wrong with him and why he keeps pushing Pisaeng away. Kawi questioned Pisaeng about why he continues to be so nice to him. And Pear questioned Not about his ideas on masculinity and sexuality. All the questions require some level of self-reflection, which Kawi is having to do in leaps and bounds sandwiched between an abundance of knowledge.

Pear also encouraged Kawi to be honest with her.

Because the answers we seek aren't at the bottom of a bottle, but deep within ourselves.

A show that hasn't lied to us yet is leading by example - We must be honest.

Sidenotes:

Pisaeng having to basically tell Kawi to shut up and eat because Kawi is too honest about everything else except his emotions was hilarious.

Kawi jumps into the future next week and sees he's a famous musician, but I think he stays there for a bit and this is where we will get the future issues from the trailer.

Because Kawi didn't look sad when he moved the globe, so I'm hoping his dad does well in surgery which prompts Kawi to see how his life is now that his dad is alive.

But I'm worried this line will come back to haunt us.

I loved that we were shown Pisaeng changing Kawi without any sexual connotation. It's important to see this without it being implied that the gay man can't control himself. This scene was merely a man trying to help his friend.

And Pisaeng stopping the second he realized Kawi was asleep and sleeping on the chair rather than the bed were more excellent choices.

Finally, the nod to performative allyship where the mom is fine with her employees being gay but has strategically tried to keep her child in the closet is the sweet subtle commentary I live for. This is also why Pisaeng did not tell Max, a Tired Gay, that she was his mother. It would be rough to hear that she isn't as cool as presented.

Max, the best character and a Tired Gay, is gonna have to kill his idol.

(My colors theory is sticking. Pear was in a light purple, but Pisaeng was in Kawi's brown. He changed into black after kissing Kawi. Is Max blue though?)

[wakaoujisenhime]

girl you’re probably gonna hate me for this but can I get some steamy hcs with gojo in a skirt or in women’s clothing in general?? pls bby 🤲🏻

A/N: … (ಠ_ಠ)

Tags: Gojo x reader ✅  smut (18+) ✅  cross-dressing ✅  slight edging ✅ ❚ femdom ✅

image/art source: Pixiv (by bobobong)

━━━━☆ ━━━━☆ ━━━━☆

so, thanks to Jujutsu Tech which decided to host some kind of special event for its students and staff you were stuck with organizing the venue for this past few weeks

you were quite stressed out and had good to no time to talk, let alone meet, with your boyfriend Gojo who was one of the main stars of this event (or at least that is what Ijichi told you)

as the days to the event came closer you couldn’t help but be excited about seeing just what that white-haired man had come up with…

.

..

you sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of your nose as you refused to look at the center of the venue’s room

there stood your tall boyfriend who had been dolled up in such a way that you almost didn’t recognize him as he came to greet you some moments ago

his hair had been ironed so that it resembled a bob, a black headband successfully removing the smaller strands of white hair from his face

the man’s lips were glossy and had a pinker color than what you were usually used to, whoever did his makeup had applied just the right amount of rouge to his cheeks that it seemed as if he was constantly blushing

the outfit with which he was so proudly walking around consisted of a baby blue shirt, which seemed to be a few numbers too small for him since it emphasized his taut body features; a tight and black pencil skirt that stopped a few inches before the middle of his thighs, covering almost nothing in the process; some dull black stockings that began right where his skirt ended, and of course a pair of red heels in which he surprisingly could walk almost effortlessly (emphasis on almost)

you couldn’t deny the fact that he looked good in that getup, but more importantly, you were more upset than anything right now

tonight the two of you were supposed to finally spent time by each other’s sides after such a busy week and yet your boyfriend had decided to play the clown once more

“Hey hey, cutie, why the upset face? Should big sis Satoru bring you something to eat or drink?” he asked in a slightly higher pitched voice

you simply glared at him before turning your back and joining Nanami and Ijichi who were standing in the corner of the room

.

some time passed and after greeting each visitor of today’s party you once again found yourself standing in a corner, sipping on your drink

“(Y/N), come with me for a sec”

your boyfriend came up to you, grabbed your hand, and was now dragging you off to god knows where without giving you even the slightest hint or time to protest

after literally throwing you in one of the empty rooms, the tall man slammed the door shut and glanced back at you, his normally beautiful eyes now harboring an enormous amount of menace within them

“What the hell was that Satoru?! I almost choked on my drink!”

without answering you, he turned to face you and kneeled, leaning his chin on the palm of his hand; “Ah yeah…? What a shame, but don’t worry, I’ll let you choke on something else instead”

you wordlessly looked up at him and watched as he raised his skirt, exposing the black lace thong he’d apparently been wearing for this entire evening, and you couldn’t help but swallow audibly at the sight of his slightly erect cock, straining the delicate fabric

he was quick to make you go along with what he wanted and didn’t waste any unnecessary time in stuffing your mouth before you could utter even a single word

as he slowly grew larger inside of your mouth you had to slow down his hips’ movement by either tugging on the hem of his skirt or pinching the soft flesh of his thighs

Gojo giggled at your pouting expression and finally decided to let go of the strands of hair he’d fisted, so that he could help you out with deep-throating him, finally allowing you to breathe for a couple of seconds

between your coughs, you tried to ask him just what the hell has gotten him so agitated, but he remained silent, pulled you up on your feet, and trapped you between himself and the table a few meters behind you

he let his finger run across your bottom lip, then proceeded to kiss your neck, going down to your collarbone while he slowly unbuttoned your shirt

luckily for him, your bra’s hooks were at the front so he happily undid them and started kissing your breasts

he played with your nipples for a short while before continuing his journey down to your trousers

the man didn’t lose any time in quickly removing the last few pieces of fabric which were stopping him from enjoying the view and pleasant smell of your most precious body part

as quickly as he’d freed you, his mouth and tongue were equally as fast to begin exploring your already wet insides, while his fingers probed around for your weak spot

the moment his eyes picked up the slight tremble of your thighs he knew he’d been successful, so he continued targeting that one spongy spot within you as his blue eyes looked up at you in curiosity

“W-Wait, Satoru! I’m going t-to–“

and just before you were about to cum he slowly licked your labia one last time before cheekily grinning up at you

This little…!

you took a tight grip on his collar, pulled him up on his feet, and looked him directly in his eyes

words were useless at this point, because not short after he aligned his precum covered tip with your entrance and slowly slid it in

Gojo wasn’t particularly thick, but the way his shaft stretched your walls never failed to make you mewl in pleasure 

you couldn’t deny the fact that the way he was dressed up tonight made you feel hotter than usual and you weren’t the only one

seconds after he’d bottomed out inside of you, he hissed out a silent god, yes, and swiftly removed his headband while you helped him undo the buttons on his shirt

now that the two of you were raring to finally let loose and let your accumulated desires free, you kissed each other passionately 

the rhythm your lover set for his thrusts was neither too slow nor too quick, but just perfect

you wrapped your legs around his hips, allowing him to penetrate you deeper and to continuously caress that one special spot of yours

since neither of you had reached a proper orgasm yet it didn’t take you long to find yourself in the same situation as before

“Just a little bit longer” he stammered as he wrapped his arms around your body, pressing your chest towards his own

the way your nipples rubbed against his own added to the friction and caused your walls to tighten up around Gojo’s shaft

he groaned and leaned his forehead on yours as he tried to keep his fast thrusts up, despite your tightness that refused to let him go

after a few precise thrusts, he pushed his entire body weight on you and halted as soon as he’d reached orgasm

the way his warm seed splattered against your walls made you cum not short after and you wrapped your trembling arms around his neck as you kissed him

while your tongues clashed against each other, the white-haired man continued thrusting at a slow pace, helping you ride out your orgasm

you looked at his face and noticed how all the sweat had ruined his makeup and smiled to yourself, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to return to the others in that state

“Are you still mad?“ he then asked softly, big and beautiful blue eyes looking directly at you 

you giggled and shook your head slightly as you gave his cheek a soft kiss

the way he smiled at you warmed your heart and you couldn’t help but engulf him in yet another tight hug 

Having him play the clown once in a while isn’t so bad after all...

· · ─────── · ❀ · ─────── · ·

.alternative ending for my dom moots out there (or those who simply wish to see this man get ruined):

Gojo slumped forward, leaning his forehead on your shoulder as he relished in the afterglow of his orgasm while you did the same

you came down from your high rather quickly, unlike the tall man in front of you, whose body was still lightly twitching from all the stimulation

a grin spread across your lips as you slowly let your hands wander down his lower back, way down to his buttocks

it didn’t take him long to realize what you were up to, so he mustered all the strength he had to stop you mid-movement and shook his head

“What’s wrong baby, got something to say?” you asked cheekily, knowing fully well that he wasn’t in the state to formulate a proper answer and only whine pathetically as some sort of retort

his weak grip on your wrists wasn’t nearly strong enough to stop you from lifting the slightly tattered fabric of his skirt up the curve of his rosy asscheeks and start massaging and spreading them apart

after a couple of seconds, you took a tight grip of his soft flesh and began moving his hips back and forth

“N-Ngh! No (Y/N), d-don’t! I- ah, a-am too sens-…sensitive!”

his pleading moans just turned you on even more and only motivated you to strengthen your grip

you took a glance at the man’s face and observed the way his eyes widened ever so slightly with every thrust you forced him to make, the way his beautiful white hair stuck to his sweaty forehead, and those beautiful glossy and parted lips

That’s not enough…I want to ruin him even more

with that thought in mind, you started meeting his thrusts at a quick pace

you could feel how his big hands gripped at your shirt and slightly pulled at it, teeth piercing your exposed shoulder as silent whimpers escaped his mouth

“You’re close, aren’t you? …So why are you holding it back?” you asked with a slightly annoyed voice as you took a fistful of his hair and yanked his head back, exposing his neck and the absentminded expression on his face

with a wide grin, you spread his buttocks apart and slowly slid your finger in until you found that one spot that was bound to make him cum whether he wanted to or not

not short after, he emptied his second load once again inside of you with a grunt, and unexpectedly for you his orgasm was way harder than before and caused his knees to buckle, almost making him fall over

out of instinct, you held onto him and if it weren’t for his quick reflexes the two of you would’ve fallen over

“I’m ok…don’t worry, j-just….give me a minute” he whispered as he tightened his grip onto the table‘s edges

with a warm smile, you simply nodded and gently caressed his hair, “Mhm, take all the time you need.”

[richietozierluv]

it was final - (richie tozier) part 3 of 5

part 1 / part 2 / part 4 / part 5

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Reader / Eddie x Reader? kinda

Summary: Apparently, after everything you and your friends had been through, it wasn’t enough. Now you were alone in Derry, and the very thing you thought had an ending, was coming back.

Author’s Note: this is kinda in eddie’s pov but i thought that would help considering richie and the reader aren’t in the same place also i hope someone out there is proud because i persevered even with writer’s block 

Word Count: 1,967

Warnings: Swearing

When you had first become friends with Eddie, you would spend every waking moment with him. Even on a far too rainy day, you’d talk to him for hours on the home phone, much to the displeasure of both of your mothers (and Richie).

“Eddie dear, do you know how many germs there are on a telephone? Eddie? There’s more germs than on the seat of a toilet!”

“Y/n, you’re racking up the phone bill! Can’t you stop talking to your friends for one minute?”

In fact, he had been the one to introduce the idea of sneaking into your bedroom, and was the main reason you were terrified of the dark. On one particularly boring Thursday when the phone lines had been cut due to a storm, the tapping on your window had you almost pissing your pants. You thought it was the neighbour’s cat again, trying to paw at a moth, but you became doubly frightened when the curtains opened to show a very much human face rather than a cat’s.

“Eds, what the hell are you doing? My mom is literally in the other room,” you whispered, as you slid open the window to invite him in. If anyone else had called him ‘Eds’ he’d be scowling and throwing fake punches, although whenever you did, his stomach felt sick, but in a good way. The only downside to this, was that Richie had caught on too, and had tried sneaking in a few ‘Eds’ here and there himself. He was met with a, “fuck you Trashmouth,” or the occasional middle finger.

You knew deep down, that Eddie would die for you if he really, really, had to. So it was only by instinct that you had called him first after seeing the clown.

-

“Y/n? Y-you thuh-thuh-thuh-there?” Bill called, after hearing the phone supposedly fall from your grasp. You kept your eyes on the person or… thing standing outside and fumbled hastily to pick up the phone.

“Uh- yeah sorry Bill, I- I think I have to go, I was supposed to do some ch-ch-chores after school-“

“Y/n, is ev- is everyth-thing oh-okay?”

“Huh? Yeah of course don’t worry,”

“I-I mean, I know tha-that yuh-you and R-Richie had b-broken up, b-but,”

“Yeah Bill that sounds great, I’ll call you soon, okay?” you hung up the phone, still locking eyes with who- or what you had believed to be dead. It had been almost six months since you last saw IT, and that whole ritual had seemed so final, so either you were going crazy, or you were staring death quite literally in the face.

You took a step forward, then looked around to make sure there was nothing behind you, but as you looked back outside the kitchen window, IT was gone. In the few moments it had taken you to bite down your scream, and feel your heart pumping again, you had subconsciously dialled the number for Eddie’s new phone. You hadn’t spoken to him since he’d left, and when his father had passed the phone to him, you almost jumped at the sound of his voice.

“Hello-“

“Jesus please us, Eds! Your voice! Have you started doing impressions now or have your balls finally dropped?” just hearing him laugh in reply was enough to make you forget about your current situation. But not totally enough.

“The first thing you say to me in almost five months offends me, you’re unbelievable.” There was a soft silence that followed, comfortable, as if you both hadn’t gone through hell and back. “Hey, I really missed you,”

And then you were crying. Dear god why am I crying? “I miss you too Eds, you have no idea what it’s been like since-“

“No yeah I know, do you need to catch me up on anything other than Romeo and Juliet’s breakup? Have any of you died yet?”

“Oh fuck Eds, haven’t you heard? Romeo’s skipped town, and apparently Juliet’s gone insane, seeing clowns and shit-“

“What?”

“Richie’s moved-“

“No, I know that. What was that about ‘seeing clowns and shit’?” you could hear the concern in his voice, it was even more prominent as you heard him take a pump from his puffer.

“Oh yeah- that’s what I was calling you about, I was on the phone to Bill, and I just turn around and I see fucking IT outside my window,” now you were twirling the phone cord as if you were gossiping about boys, and makeup, and what Tiffany was wearing last Tuesday; and not discussing the very thing that had almost killed you and your friends numerous times.

“Okay, have you called Richie? He’s moved to this town like an hour from you- I wasn’t supposed to saying anything but-“

“I’m not calling him.”

“What? But he could just ask his parents-“

“Eddie, I don’t wanna get into it. I called you, now what do I do?”

“I dunno, I’m not exactly Big Bill intuitive,”

“If you throw around the word ‘intuitive’ at our age, I’d think you’re pretty close to ‘Big Bill intuitive’. You got us out of that place without a map Eds, just… tell me if I need to… just tell me what to do. I trust you.”

-

“You have to tell him that you like him!” Eddie’s heart hurt as he said this, but he saw the way Richie looked at you, and as your best friend, it was Eddie’s job to pressure you into doing things you didn’t think you were ready for. “If you don’t do it, I will,” he made a gesture of cupping his hands over his mouth to call Richie over, and laughed as you basically tackled him to the ground.

“I swear to God, Eddie Kaspbrak, you will do no such thing, or I’ll be shoving that middle finger you like so much up-“

“Woah, okay, okay!” he blushed, noticing how close you were, and how you were basically sitting on him. “My mom wouldn’t be so happy with that idea, she’d be disinfecting me for weeks,” and tried to cover his red cheeks with a mock look of horror.

“Eds, what if he doesn’t even like me back?” you sat yourself up, and looked at Richie doing somersaults in the water. You giggled as he came up for air, his hair plastered to his face and his glasses.

“Are you fucking kidding me Y/n?” now he sat up, looking at you in disbelief, “how could anyone not like you?”

“Well for starters-“

“Okay shut up before I do something that not even you would be proud of,” his blush returned at having made you laugh, “but- okay he made us swear not to tell you-“

“Tell me what?”

“Well… everything? He can’t stop talking about you, I’m surprised you haven’t even noticed the flirting. You’ve known him longer than any of us!”

“Oh please, Eds, he talks to me the same way you do,” Ouch. Eddie could feel the butterflies in his stomach attacking each other, a mixture of sadness and guilt of not having made his feelings more obvious to you before it was too late.

-

The second you had hung up the phone, Eddie’s fingers flipped through the yellow legal pad on the kitchen counter, looking for an answer. He found Bill, which was just as good. Eddie had reassured you that you probably hadn’t seen anything, reminded you what you had all gone through to kill IT.

“Hello, Zack Denbrough speaking,”

“Hi sir, this is Eddie Kaspbrak, I need to-“

“Bill’s already been on the phone today, he’s eating dinner,”

“Please sir, this is important-“

“Honey, food’s getting cold!” his wife called from the dining room.

“But Mr Denbrough,” Eddie couldn’t so much as fit in another word when he heard the phone line ‘beep’ in showing that adults really do not care about anything. He groaned, calling the others one by one but being turned down by mothers and fathers alike. Mike’s at the movies, oh she’s doing her homework, Stan can’t come to the phone right now. Eddie hesitated before calling the last person on the list. He was sure that he’d be willing to help, but unsure that you would want it.

He sighed with relief as he heard Maggie Tozier call her son to the phone.

“Hey Eds, long time no see, seenyor,”

“Just because I am physically unable to punch you, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it Tozier,” there was an unspoken tension between the two boys. Whether it was the oncoming fact that you were in danger, or just plain missing each other, they were unable to tell. Both feelings made them sick, as there seemed there was no way to fix any of it.

“If you’re calling about what I did to Y/n-“

“What did you do to her? She called me and – no, it’s not about that,” Eddie could hear Richie’s intake of breath, as if he had just breached out of water for the first time in ten minutes. Or as if he were in the middle of sobbing.

“Eddie, I don’t know how to help her, I did everything I could to make sure she wouldn’t get the fucking barrel,”

“The barrel?”

“Of the gun! Could you not feel it? There was nothing final about what happened when we thought we killed IT. Don’t you think there’d be some sort of explosion, or I dunno, something big?”

“Rich-“

“It’s like Bill said, Derry is IT, and IT is Derry. And Derry, in case you hadn’t noticed, is perfectly fine, which is not perfectly fine-“

“What the hell are you talking about? Derry isn’t a thing, we can’t kill Derry,”

“If we don’t find a way Eddie, Derry’s going to kill Y/n.”

-

As easy as it was to get out of Derry, no one had given it a thought. It was as if by some other force, the town needed its people, as if it survived off of them. But by the end of 1985, there was a brief period in which that thought had crossed everybody’s mind, like they had woken up from a coma and finally realised how shitty of a town Derry was. Sure, it had its charm, with the town library, and the enormous Paul Bunyan statue, but it wasn’t until now people begun to notice the smell. You couldn’t escape the smell of the sewer. If it weren’t coming from the drains or gutters, the Kenduskeag stream would happily supply its aroma of runoff grey-water. Beverly Marsh was the first of many to leave, and perhaps her leaving had been the one to wake up everybody else. Or maybe it had something to do with the eight kids that had gone into the sewers without much of a notice.

But now the situation had changed, and those very kids that had started the farewell party, wanted to come back. And as hard as the task seemed, to convince their parents to go back to Derry, Bev, Eddie, Bill, and Richie, were already on their way.

-

You sat on the edge of the sidewalk in front of your house with a cigarette gripped between your teeth, daring Mr Arnold to yell at you to put it out. But despite the exaggerated drags and coughs, he hadn’t even given you a glance, as if you weren’t there at all. You stepped on the cigarette to put it out as you stood up, and as you turned to say, “It was fun hanging out with you, sir!” your feet had hit the curb and sent you falling backwards onto your ass. Mr Arnold seemed to be hanging from his porch light, yet there was no rope.

He looked as if he were floating.

AN: i kept on rewriting the last few hundred words over and over again but i finally! came up with something im somewhat happy with, and i hope you guys are too!!!!

tagged: @riverdalerebel @johnsonxstilinski @littlepaperaeroplanes @tn22220-blog

[oneweekoneband]

A SMALL BLUE THING AMONG THOSE WHOLE GIRLS

One week ago, sitting on a hotel bed wearing a one-shoulder dress and a full face of contoured makeup and a head of softly brushed-out corkscrew curls, waiting for a wedding to start, I texted a group of my friends, I'm in drag as a straight girl. In the pictures I look like a regular person but I captioned every selfie I sent that day with the clown emoji, dabbed nervously at the crumbles of lipstick caught between my teeth and didn't dare look in a mirror until the sun and sweat of a two-hour outdoor photo op melted my coating of immaculate champagne-gold dust into something that felt more like ordinary, familiar dirt.

I look like a girl, I know. I look like a girl and I feel like a girl, or at least like something closer to a girl than not a girl, but if “Small Blue Thing” were an option on the portion of forms labeled Gender I would choose it every time. I've always felt best with clean short nails and heavy boots and skin scrubbed bare by cool water. I balk at ornament. I would like best to be something totally impermeable, a smooth hard surface, like a marble or an eye.

I haven't read enough to signpost the way to the relevant texts here –– I'm not an expert in anything except the way my own skin sits against my bones and barely even that –– but it makes sense that this is a song about gender because this is a song about performing, about being looked at, about existence in relation to. It is not simply a declaration of self but a declaration of self juxtaposed against other: I am cold against your skin / you are perfectly reflected.

I think every non-man, at some point, is forced to confront the violence of perception, the terror of being seen. And, above and beyond that terror: the terror of being seen wrongly, of being read as something that you aren't. How do you cope with being held up to the light and looked at, pitilessly? The small blue thing looks back, but even the strongest, coldest gaze in the world can't stop it from being watched, can't free it from the eternal pirouette of turning in your hand, the hand which, to me, never stopped being the handsome fist from “Marlene on the Wall.” Like Marlene, the small blue thing adapts by reversal, calling the fist’s bluff and trying to beat it at its own game. I am cool and smooth and curious, I never blink / I am watching you. A perfect reflective surface.

At fourteen I wrote in my notebook, when I like boys it makes me more of a boy and when I like girls it makes me more of a girl. I felt right in Chucks and shirtsleeves rolled to the elbow but I could make do with a butter-yellow silk skirt and a flower tucked behind my ear as long as I longed for those softnesses on someone else. Still, I felt so obvious, so clumsy and wrong-footed and terrified among girls who bore girlhood gracefully, so certain that I’d out myself as an impostor only to be turned on, snarled at, spurned.

"Those Whole Girls (Run In Grace)" still hits me like a wave of nerves, that high school hallway feeling, that summer camp shaky-kneed unease. There's a terror in it, true, but it isn't the same terror of the handsome fist. There's more awe. More aching. The slow prowl of the guitar, the way Suzanne Vega bites each word through to the core like teeth sinking into stone fruit until flesh gives way to pit. Precision. Perfection. They’re wolves, these girls, but they’re pure light too. Blaze and stun. Sleek and dazzling, ready for anything.

She's never self-described as anything other than straight (I direct your attention to the above clip from Rolling Stone, the careful emphasis on the word "happily”), but this song sits fine without a simmer of sexual intrigue underneath it, too. The small blue thing doesn’t have to love the whole girl to be spellbound by her, impressed by the ease with which she seems to carry the eyes of those around her. To breathe with ease. To need no mercy. The whole girl is a performance too, of course. Just a different genre. Or, I guess, gender.

[thedrowsydoormouse]

As per tradition, @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam answered all the asks and now I will, too.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

Spotify.

2. is your room messy or clean?

Organized chaos

3. what color are your eyes?

Blue

4. do you like your name? why?

I hate the name I was born with but love the name I go by now.

5. what is your relationship status?

Happily taken.

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

Queer glitter goth

7. what color hair do you have?

Deep purple red

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

None.

9. where do you shop?

Pretty much anywhere I can find cute black clothes.

10. how would you describe your style?

Goth time traveler who keeps forgetting what year it is.

11. favorite social media account

Tumblr.

12. what size bed do you have?

Queen

13. any siblings?

Two sisters and a brother.

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

Ney York because it was the only place I’ve been that instantly felt like home.

15. favorite snapchat filter?

I don’t use snapchat.

16. favorite makeup brand(s)

Blackmoon, Urban Decay, Milk, Lime Crime.

17. how many times a week do you shower?

Every day

18. favorite tv show?

Doctor Who. (It was Supernatural but I broke up with it because of artistic differences. I saw Jack as alive, they saw him dead. And yes, that was a Chicago reference.)

19. shoe size?

US women’s 10.

20. how tall are you?

6′ 1/2″

21. sandals or sneakers?

Strap-y sandals with a decent sized wedge.

22. do you go to the gym?

Never.

23. describe your dream date

Disneyland during the Halloween season complete with a crap ton of special snacks and shopping for all the Haunted Mansion and Nightmare Before Christmas merch my little spooky heart can handle!

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$35 in cash plus some gift cards that I have no idea how much is on them. And a 20% coupon for Sephora.

25. what color socks are you wearing?

None.

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

Five or more.

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

Nope.

28. how many friends do you have?

No clue. Mostly because almost none of them ever actually talk to me.

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

Been indirectly responsible for the deaths of at least 3 people and the end of countless other marriages. And possibly one other person needing open heart surgery but the jury is still out on that one.

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

It’s called White Barn #1 and it smells like Halloween but more mature and a little bit musty.

31. 3 favorite boy names

Jack, Bucky, Stu

32. 3 favorite girl names

Marilyn, Olivia, Wednesday

33. favorite actor?

Doug Jones

34. favorite actress?

Marilyn Monroe

35. who is your celebrity crush?

Right now it’s Sebastian Stan, Alex Calvert, Hale Appleman, and Taron Egerton.

36. favorite movie?

Princess Bride.

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

I used to but now I don’t have enough spoons.

38. money or brains?

Why not both?

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

I have several but I can’t mention them because they’re “private”! ;)

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

None.

41. top 10 favorite songs

I can’t pick just 10.

42. do you take any medications daily?

CBD oil.

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Combination.

44. what is your biggest fear?

A giant spider clown doll on Christmas. And the threat of being killed by a mass shooter during the impending nuclear apocalypse.

45. how many kids do you want?

None.

46. whats your go to hair style?

Half bun, half ponytail secured with a clip. or a side braid.

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

Decent sized.

48. who is your role model?

Myself.

49. what was the last compliment you received?

My mom said I’m really good at cooking salmon. Which is random but true.

50. what was the last text you sent?

I had to text my address to my therapist.

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

Third grade.

52. what is your dream car?

A motorcycle.

53. opinion on smoking?

Disgusting and an instant deal breaker.

54. do you go to college?

I dropped out the week before my 21st birthday.

55. what is your dream job?

Acting in a musical on Broadway that hopefully gets nominated for a Tony.

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

The city.

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

Always.

58. do you have freckles?

Tons of them (I’m like 66% Irish. We’re covered in the things.)

59. do you smile for pictures?

Depends on the picture but I look better when I don’t.

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Fuck if I know. But I know it’s an even number. It’s always an even number.

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

Regrettably. 

62. do you still watch cartoons?

Who doesn’t?

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Neither.

64. Favorite dipping sauce?

Ranch.

65. what do you wear to bed?

Sweat shorts and a tank top in the warm months, sweats and an over-sized sweater in the cold months.

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

I’m not a nerd.

67. what are your hobbies?

Drinking, cooking, baking, being super judge-y, daydreaming about Halloween, the usual queer goth stuff.

68. can you draw?

Not according to some of my college art teachers but then again they couldn’t draw either so who knows.

69. do you play an instrument?

Nope.

70. what was the last concert you saw?

Sugar Ray. I got to hang out backstage and dance in the wings because I know the lead singer.

71. tea or coffee?

Tea.

72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Neither.

73. do you want to get married?

I am.

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

JA

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

I technically did but not to my husband’s name because we both picked a new name.

76. what color looks best on you?

Red, black, and green but only if they’re vibrant. Fuck pastels and muted colors.

77. do you miss anyone right now?

Everyone I would miss is in the same room as me.

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Open just a crack.

79. do you believe in ghosts?

Considering I have a broken door jam and a messed up ankle after being attacked by one I’d say yes.

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

Bigotry.

81. last person you called`

My mom to give her my food order for dinner.

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

It was called Dublin Mudslide and it was amazing but sadly it’s in the flavor graveyard now.

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

Neither.

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

Chocolate.

85. what shirt are you wearing?

Super old black tank with a faded union jack and a bunch of holes in it.

86. what is your phone background?

Jack Kline laying on his back being a total cutie!

87.are you outgoing or shy?

Shy until I feel comfortable. Then I never shut up.

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

Only certain people.

89. do you like your neighbors?

I just met the people who are moving in next door and they’re super nice but I hate everyone else in the neighborhood.

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

At night before bed.

91. have you ever been high?

I’m high right now.

92. have you ever been drunk?

Earlier today.

93. last thing you ate?

Half an impossible burger and some onion rings.

94. favorite lyrics right now

Don’t let me mean nothing or just pass away/ Just give me tomorrow, forever, today.

95. summer or winter?

Fall

96. day or night?

Night

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

Milk

98. favorite month?

October

99. what is your zodiac sign

Sagittarius

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

My friend, James.