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moonbaby26 · 4 years ago

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Title: Aftermath

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x Reader

Summary: Continuation of previous chapter. Set after the battle with Apocalypse, you and the others are finally picked up from Cairo by allied forces and transported to a nearby aircraft carrier for temporary shelter/debriefing while you try to arrange travel back into the U.S. The reader helps Peter work through the continued emotional fallout from realizations of all that his father Magneto has done.

Warnings: Some cursing. More emotional baggage being unloaded. But also fluff/comfort, and eventual brief makeout session to help with the stress relief.

Chapters: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Taglist: @drikawinchester , @n0obmaster69 , @alexloveskili , @what-a-silver-lining , @bluesprings18 , @weakmoony-stuff , @slytherinsi-mp , @wintwrsoldiwr , @tommy-braccoli , @amourtentiaa , @cringingmemeries , @bi-panicatthe-disco

Peter Maximoff x Reader Masterlist

——————————

Like Magneto had warned, it’d still been a long time before anyone had come to help. Trying to put back together some semblance of working communication equipment from the remnants of the jet, and whatever they could scavenge from the damaged homes and buildings all around had taken Hank and Moira long enough.

But even when Moira could finally establish renewed contact with the outside world to put out a distress call, finding a U.S. ally willing and even capable to fly into ground zero to pluck all of you out was another matter.

Unfortunately, you had eventually realized that the destruction here in Cairo hadn’t been all there was. Most population centers through the world had been impacted, many of the larger air and naval bases among them. It was hard to say how much had been Apocalypse, and how many had fallen solely because of Magneto though. From the little bit Moira did relay back to you all, the more metal any structure had had in it, the more likely it had ended up decimated.

It was only helicopters that finally came, no runway area available in all the rubble for any larger plane. When the soldiers exited them, you picked up that they were all speaking Greek.

“We’ll all be going to the island of Crete.” Xavier had confirmed, meeting with you all before boarding. “There is an allied naval base there, where U.S. officials will be awaiting to debrief us.”

It was no surprise that he could sense the unease in the majority of you, after all that had occurred the last time you’d been forced into helicopters with men dressed in military fatigues like this.

He had changed then to communicating telepathically with each of you individually, to give the soldiers no chance to overhear. Though the message was the same for everyone. “We will all be split onto only two helicopters. I will be in one, and Jean in the other. If they should even think of anything unsavory, we will, let’s say alter their plans to otherwise. But everyone stay at least paired please as precaution. Together, you are all your own best protection.”

It’d been no question that you would board with Peter. On one helicopter it would end up being the Professor, Moira, Peter, yourself, and the white haired girl you now knew as Ororo Munroe. On the other, Hank, Raven, Jean, Scott, and Kurt.

Ororo had actually been rather nice to talk to, once she was no longer trying to blast you out of the sky anyway. You’d learned she’d been living on the streets of Cairo for quite some time, just stealing to survive before she’d run into Apocalypse by chance when he was first trying to recruit powerful mutants.

When she’d spoken about having no living family, and thereby no desire to stick around in Egypt any longer, Kurt had been the one to excitedly tell her all about the school. Which the Professor had already vowed to rebuild thankfully, inviting Ororo immediately should she wish to join you all.

Gladly, she accepted, and by the time the soldiers were sliding the helicopter doors closed, the sun was finally setting. The interior lighting was already dim, as you glanced over to Peter in the growing darkness, seated together on bench like seats along the inner hull. He’d been waiting until the very last moment you thought to see if Erik would come back, but he never did. Though you couldn’t imagine Magneto ever would have agreed to travel like this. Or that the Greek airmen would have even allowed it, still knowing he was wanted worldwide.

You did believe Xavier though. When the dust finally settled, you thought Erik would be back. He’d find his own way home. And to contact Peter again, he’d only have to reach out to the Professor. Which of course Erik would no doubt, as those two old friends always crossed paths again eventually from all the stories you had heard. They never gave up on each other in the end, despite all their differences in beliefs.

You didn’t fight it when you finally began to nod off. Even over the pulsing of the helicopter and the radio chatter coming from the soldiers’ headsets, it was all just white noise eventually. Peter had his arm around your waist, his head leaned back against the hull and yours on his shoulder as you’d both fallen asleep somewhere over the now moonlit Mediterranean Sea.

——————————

Waking up had been much harder. As stiff as you were from the helicopter ride, you still had been in no hurry to move as you’d heard your name called. Xavier was trying to round you all up before the soldiers got impatient.

They’d at least provided him a wheelchair you noticed as you all groggily reconvened on what was actually the flight deck of a large U.S. aircraft carrier now docked in the bay alongside the Greek naval base.

All of you certainly looked worse for wear, Peter especially had his glasses skewed almost comically now, hair mussed in about every direction as he yawned big, standing on one leg with an arm thrown over your shoulders for support.

Once you were all accounted for on deck, the Professor spoke quickly. “Given the state of things, there will not be any transatlantic flights available currently. We will be staying here in the short term. For all of you, you will be given medical treatment as needed in this ship’s sick bay. We have also been provided sleeping arrangements separate of the crew. I am asking all of you to please rest up as best you can tonight. Moira and I will speak to these gentlemen as to the events that have transpired today.”

The “gentlemen” Xavier referred to looked about as pleased to be here as you all had been to wake up in Stryker’s base. You knew little of actual military rankings, but from the amount of bars on the fronts of their uniforms, you’d guess they were pretty high up there in authority.

But the Professor only continued in your heads for good measure. “Please understand that non-mutants especially are on edge right now. There were fatalities and very extensive damages to some cities today. I implore you all to be patient with any persons you may encounter on this ship. I believe they’ve moved the majority of the crew to the mainland already to better quarantine us here and limit tensions. But please remember, that by your demeanor and your choices, you represent us all. I will reach out to you all as soon as I know anything more on our options for returning home.”

He’d bid you all good night then, leaving with Moira and the most senior looking of the men while the rest of you had followed some nervous looking officers to the lower decks. You got the sense that Hank and Raven now felt obligated to chaperone and protect the group, as the oldest of you now, only second to the Professor.

Raven had assumed her blonde, human appearance before the helicopters had arrived, but without his medicine Hank could only remain in his Beast form. You could tell how uncomfortable both he and Kurt now made the soldiers as Hank had requested to accompany you and Peter to the sick bay, while Raven went with the others to whatever living quarters you were being given.

You’d be lying to say that their obvious judgment on Hank and Kurt’s physical appearances didn’t bother you. But you tried to remind yourself that they also didn’t know any better. They didn’t know how ridiculously smart, and even a bit nerdy and loyal Hank could be. Or how kind, forgiving, and genuine Kurt was.

When you did get to the sick bay, the doctor on call also looked like he’d just been dragged in there against his better judgement. But he did greet you all, saying he’d been made aware that there was a broken leg he needed to set and make a cast for.

His reaction to the metal splint Peter already had though was almost something funny. You knew Peter wanted to joke so badly about his “dad making it for him”, but you’d all agreed before the helicopters had arrived to downplay Erik’s role in all of this if he didn’t show himself.

Xavier had promised to make clear to the U.S. officials that Erik had been on your side in the end though. Yes, Magneto had blood on his hands from past and present, but having the world pursue him any further would only lead to more violence. It wouldn’t undo anything that had already been done.

Beast had been strong enough to unbend the metal with his bare hands, carefully removing the splint. He’d also helped Peter get out of the flight suit and dirtied clothing to wash up. Though they’d just cut his clothing away from his broken leg with surgical shears, not to injure it any further.

They’d put a screen up for some privacy while they worked on him. You knew Hank would protect Peter, so you were okay focusing on yourself a bit as you also got undressed and a nurse checked you for broken bones. With your clothes off, you finally got to see how badly bruised you were everywhere. But they’d agreed that your only actually damaged bones were cracked ribs, which there was no real treatment for save going easy to give them proper time to heal.

After the examination, you were allowed to take a shower. Which was honestly more amazing than you expected, not realizing just how much dirt, sweat, and blood had accumulated through all of this. Afterward, you’d gotten dressed with some clothes they’d left you. A plain white t-shirt with a small U.S. Navy insignia, and dark blue sweatpants essentially.

They’d offered to escort you to where the others were bunked. But you declined, choosing to wait for Hank and Peter instead.

And it had been a while, but eventually they cane back out. You could see they’d gotten the same treatment as you while here. Both had showered, though Peter made a point to laugh at how poor Hank had had to help him essentially get a trash bag tied over his leg cast first so he wouldn’t get it wet.

They had on the same white t-shirts as you as well now. Though even in the largest size, Hank’s looked uncomfortably small. Hank also got the same blue pants as you, but for Peter it was only blue shorts to accommodate his cast. You all looked like you were late for P.E. class honestly, albeit maybe at a U.S. Naval academy somewhere. You’d gotten a good deal of amusement from that.

They’d given Peter crutches too, which he was clearly playing with as he tried to see how quick he could move on them. Hank reprimanded him more than once when Peter had almost fallen flat on his face a few times on your way to the bunks.

The soldiers hadn’t separated you into guys and girls for the sleeping arrangements. Probably because to them the separation was more mutant/non-mutant only in all reality. But it didn’t bother you any. Really you felt safer knowing everyone else was close. By the time you had gotten to the bunks though, it was already lights out and Raven was the only one still awake waiting for you three.

“Sleep where you want,” She said, motioning to all the still empty beds. It looked like this block was meant to house a lot more than just your small number, but had evidently been cleared out for your arrival. Still being on a ship though where space was at a premium and the beds were double stacked and inset into the walls, it would be sleeping like books on a shelf.

You’d walked down a ways past your sleeping friends to find some open ones. Naturally you started to climb into the top bunk, knowing Peter would need the bottom with his cast in the way.

But you didn’t even have both legs pulled in before he startled you by grabbing your ankle. “What?” You breathed in a whisper, not wishing to wake the others as you tried to look down at him in the dark. With the main lights off, there was only the faintest glow from small emergency type lights sparsely spaced along the walls.

Mostly you could just see the white of his teeth, knowing he was grinning back at you. In this moment it reminded you only of the Cheshire cat, mischievous and a little disconcerting.

“There’s room down here, goofball,” He whispered back.

“Peter,” You answered, the tone saying far more than the short response. You weren’t alone here, and it, well it just didn’t seem proper. With the immediate threat of death now finally passed (hopefully), it really felt more like being back at school for the moment. There were standards of behavior and-

“If one of Hank can fit in these, then two of us definitely will.” He was clearly unfazed by your sudden reservations, though seemed to realize the cause pretty quickly. “Raven doesn’t care. Where do you think Scott and Jean ended up? You didn’t even notice did you?”

You could hear the bit of amusement in his voice. But no, you didn’t count heads as you were walking by. Why would you? If Scott and Jean had made it into the same bunk already, it wasn’t your business.

Which, yes, admittedly if you felt that way, would the others be as okay with it for you and Peter? He’d rightly guessed that it was more the fear of being judged that made you hesitate, than actually being uncomfortable sleeping beside him. You’d already slept side by side in the helicopter on the way here after all, but that wasn’t quite the same as being in the same bed.

“Still waiting,” He reminded, squeezing your ankle lightly.

You knew if you actually said no, he would drop it. It was only your indecision that he was waiting for you to resolve. But, how often would you have this chance again? Thinking of it in those terms, you relented at last, climbing back down.

You could still see his smile in the dark, no doubt excited over the small victory as he scooted back as much as he could to allow you in.

Trying to get into a comfortable position was a little awkward at first, especially with his cast. But you eventually ended up both laying on your sides, your back against his chest as he wrapped an arm around you under your shared blanket.

You were quickly learning how much he seemed to be comforted by physical contact. It wasn’t long at all before his breathing steadied out and you realized he was fast asleep, his head nuzzled into the back of your neck.

The feeling was warm and pleasant though. Yourself following suit not long after, sleeping deeply at last for a long deserved rest.

——————————

When morning finally came, there was no real way to know it. There were no windows to let in the daylight. By the time you’d woken to hear the others’ voices and the fluorescent lighting buzzing back on when one of them hit the switch, you’d learned it was actually almost noon local time.

Which none of you were complaining about. But you were hungry now. Sleep had been the primary physical need beforehand, and with that now met, you needed some more calories to burn.

Peter especially. You could actually hear his stomach growling as you’d all gotten up and headed into the common bathroom to brush teeth, brush hair and the like with the standard toiletries they’d left in there for everyone.

“Yeah, I’m like a hummingbird basically,” He’d explained nonchalantly on your walk to the mess hall afterward. “I just haven’t fallen out yet here because I haven’t gotten to run since dickhead busted my leg. But normally yeah, high octane all the time to keep things going. My blood sugar tanks if I don’t keep snacking at least. Twinkies are a personal fave in the old survival kit.”

“Those are good,” Kurt agreed. “I like the little pies too,” He gestured a circle shape with his hands, “With the little...the dried purple fruit, what are those in English?”

“Raisins, my bro.” Peter responded. “Old raisin creme pie. I swap back and forth on those. Oatmeal pies are alright too, but you know where it’s really at is zebra cakes, man.”

“Zebra...cake?” Clearly Kurt was trying to envision in his head how a zebra would have anything to do with the naming of a cake.

“It’s got white icing with brown stripes,” You answered. You weren’t super into junk food, but you did grow up in the U.S., so a lot of this knowledge was entirely unavoidable.

“But zebras have black stripes?” Kurt replied with some bit of bemusement.

“I don’t think Little Debbie or Hostess are too concerned with accurate representations of wildlife.” Raven chimed in, halfway amused at the randomness of the topics you all came up with, but still looking quite unimpressed.

“They do have brown stripes when they’re juveniles, before they get their adult coat.” Hank corrected though, glancing down at her.

“So they should be called baby zebra cakes. Got it.” Scott finally piped up, though also clearly thinking this ridiculous.

Raven and Jean just exchanged a look of their own as Ororo glanced to you. “Is it always like this?”

“Pretty much,” You answered with a slight smile. It was good to see Peter meshing in so well with the others though, even if he was a little bit older. You hoped that whenever the school was rebuilt that he’d consider staying. Xavier always seemed to be able to make room for any young mutant willing to learn and also work as a mentor to the even younger kids.

You were all still chatting lightly as your group walked through the mess hall doors. But after being just the few of you for so many hours, it was a bit of a shock to see several tables worth of sailors look up at your sudden intrusion.

It was clear by the amount of still empty tables though, that this wasn’t near the normal occupancy rate. You remembered the Professor commenting that he thought a lot of the men had been forced to disembark to the mainland, just to make a larger bubble for you all.

And by all the expressions on the faces of those that were left, it seemed that most disagreed whole heartedly with that decision.

Your group quieted immediately, everyone picking up on those stares and the bit of whispering as you got in line together. The mess hall was set up cafeteria style, so you had to grab trays and slide them along, picking what you wanted as the kitchen staff would spoon out or serve whatever it was you’d chosen onto your tray.

“Maybe we should just take the food back to the barracks?” Kurt asked quietly, looking down with an evident bit of anxiety building.

“It’s okay,” Raven answered, “Just keep your head up. We won’t be long.”

You were conflicted though. You shouldn’t have to eat, segregated out of everyone else’s sight like some sort of criminals, just because your presence might offend someone. But then again, what purpose did it serve in the larger scheme of things if you antagonized these sailors into an avoidable confrontation right now?

As the Professor had said, tensions were already high. Throwing any spark into that powder keg couldn’t possibly end well.

Hank had volunteered to carry Peter’s tray for him, as Peter needed both hands to work his crutches. You were glad for that at least as you could only envision yourself dropping it all in spectacular fashion. Especially when Peter insisted on a triple portion of some kind of strawberry cake desert they’d had.

“I think we should go back to the bunks,” Jean spoke up though when you were all about to walk away from the line with your trays and drinks. “There’s one of them, he’s about to go off.”

You all paused, looking to Raven and Hank simultaneously, seemingly all deciding without speaking that they’d become the de facto leadership in the Professor’s absence.

“Fine,” Raven relented, obviously not wanting to roll over in this situation, but also remembering all you’d already been through recently. Just getting to eat in peace should be a reasonable thing to want.

But even turning the other cheek, didn’t seem to be enough.

“Hey!” One of the sailors called out before you could get close enough to the door.

“Keep walking.” Raven just directed.

“Do you even know what the rest of the world looks like right now!?” He kept on, standing up as his voice only grew louder. “My Mom and my little brother were in San Francisco. Their goddamn apartment building collapsed!”

Peter was the first one to stop, looking back then.

You could hear the tone in the man’s voice change though, and in that moment you knew he was not going to attack anyone. But it almost made it worse that he didn’t as his voice broke, nearly pleading to you all. “I don’t even know if they’re alive, if they made it out or not. The phones won’t work...no one can get through.”

“We didn’t do that,” Raven spoke up as calmly as she could, looking back to him as well then. “I’m sorry.”

“But you know who did, don’t you!?” He countered. “It was him. Wasn’t it? The one from Washington D.C. that could move metal. And he got away. You let him get away!”

The men next to the sailor were trying to pull him back down to sitting now, trying to remind him something about orders, making you realize they must have been given a similar talk as you all had. Don’t cause trouble, don’t antagonize, keep the peace because you’d been told to.

Even with two food trays in hand, Hank was now trying to usher you all through the mess hall doors just as intently as the man’s friends were trying to make him stop as well.

But Peter just twisted right out of Hank’s reach in a blur, calling back suddenly then. “It was Magneto. I’m sure it was. But he’s gone, man. He ran.” Peter looked pained, but shook his head. “His family was killed...but that doesn’t mean he had any right to take it out on the world. I hope you find your family. I really do, and I’m sorry.”

With that Peter shoved through the doors, going on ahead of you all and not looking back. His frustration was palpable as the crutches limited him. If his leg hadn’t been broken you doubted any of you would have seen him leave at all. Like he too wanted to run away now, instead of having to face the painful reality that this was.

——————————

Nothing was said about the incident for quite some time as you’d all eaten quietly in the barracks. The food was plain, the simple kinds of things that could be made in bulk to feed a large crew on a ship like this. Macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, rice, and the like.

You were sitting on the floor eating while Peter was sitting on his bottom bunk, now just picking at the strawberry cake he’d most wanted with a fork. “This was definitely some pre-made frozen crap they just defrosted and put whip cream on.” He commented in dry disappointment.

“Yeah, I guess it’d be hard to keep fresh strawberries for long on a boat,” You replied, sipping one of the soft drinks you’d brought back. At least these were canned to still be carbonated well, but it wasn’t all that cold anymore.

He smirked. “I’d go crazy living on this thing out at sea. Not too many steps up from a prison cell really.”

Though you could imagine submarine life would be even worse, you didn’t think he was far off base. “It takes a special kind of person to enlist that’s for sure.”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed, going back to silence for a while as he dissected the cake idly.

You’d about finished all your food before he spoke to you again.

“What do you really think of him, (Y/N)?” Peter asked you in a somber tone then. “I mean, am I an idiot for trying to get to know him? My whole life I thought about what it would have been like if we’d had a real dad. If it wasn’t just Mom stressed the hell out all the time trying to keep us from getting evicted, or me from getting arrested honestly, or her worrying about Wanda being depressed so much. It’s like we were always broken. I had this idea if we’d just had that missing piece of a father, that everything would have been fixed. But then I finally meet him, finally find out who he really is, and he’s just as fucked up as anyone.”

You moved your tray to the side, considering your words carefully as you got up to go sit beside Peter on the edge of the bed. “You’re not an idiot.” That was the easiest point to make first. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know who your parents are.” But the rest, that was muddled and complicated.

“I mean, that was the first time I’ve actually ever met him in person. So I only know the stories really.” You continued. “I know the Professor thinks highly of him. They’ve always been close.”

“Xavier punched my dad right in the damn face the first time I saw them together.” Peter responded, turning his head to look at you directly. “Knocked him on his ass actually.”

You blinked. “Um, well...I have heard their relationship has had its rough patches too. They disagree on a lot of things as well. But they always seem to care about each other in the end, when it’s all said and done.”

Peter laid the last of the cake back down on the floor, before laying back down behind you in the bunk. “So you’re saying that’s what I have to look forward to? Alternating between wanting to kick his ass, and wanting him to stick around and have a relationship together?”

You could only be honest. “Not really what I was going for, but, I mean, that’s kind of Erik right?”

“But he’s killed people hasn’t he? How do I get past that?”

That was really the hardest question of all, wasn’t it? And now the one probably weighing on Peter’s mind the most after the interaction with that upset sailor in the mess hall.

“His sins aren’t your sins, Peter.” Was what you finally said, sighing and looking at your hands now in your lap. “Erik has lost so much too. His parents, your grandparents, I know they died at Auschwitz. The Professor told us that. And they experimented on Erik, tortured him to try and use his powers as a weapon. Erik ended up killing the man most responsible for that. But Xavier had tried to stop him anyway and ended up paralyzed for it. It was an accident though.”

You could feel Peter shift behind you, sitting up slightly in the bunk. It was most likely that he’d never heard any of this. You hated that it had to come secondhand from you. That you, this random mutant would know more about his own father’s history than himself.

But you continued. “And then what he told us in Egypt, about his wife and daughter....I mean, my God. Like you said, it doesn’t mean he can just go around hurting everyone else just because of what’s been done to him. But what would anyone else really do? How can we say where our own breaking points would be?” You weren’t trying to absolve him by any means, but how could you sit here and judge him either?

“Yeah,” Peter answered, sounding distant. “I mean, I tried not to think about it too much, everything was already so messed up. But I’ve got to tell Wanda all of this too at some point. And I don’t know how. We had a little sister, and she’s already gone. How do you...how do you even process that when you didn’t even get to meet them? How do you get closure?”

You heard him moving around like he was wiping at his face with his hands. You didn’t think he was crying, but maybe his eyes were trying to build up something that he wasn’t willing to allow yet.

“Can we just lay here for a bit?” He asked you after another moment.

“Sure,” You answered, laying back down in the bunk with him. This time you didn’t care if the others would pay any mind or not. He needed someone right now.

You were just laying the same way you’d slept last night with your back to his chest. But after a while you felt him tug at your side.

“Turn around,” He asked.

You did hesitate momentarily, knowing how much more personal that would be in the confines of the small bunk. But you allowed it, rolling over so that now you were nearly face to face, torsos touching as he wrapped his good leg over you before pulling up the blanket.

“Hey,” He smirked, seeming to cheer up at your awkward look. Your stomach flipped as you thought he was going in for a kiss, but he just ended up kissing your forehead once before pulling back.

Whatever expression you made then got a real laugh out of him.

“I was just going to tell you thank you.” He said teasingly, before leaning back in to whisper in your ear, “But you look kind of disappointed...did you want a little more?”

There was no question you were fully flustered now as you felt that heat rising in your face yet again. You’d have to make a mental note to apologize to Jean later if she was getting any of this broadcast to her. But then again, she did live in a house full of teenagers doing God knows what at any given time. Maybe she was already used to it. But you didn’t even want to think about Xavier possibly picking up on your current emotional panic either, that would be mortifying.

Sensing your spiraling distraction, Peter lightly touched one fingertip to the end of your nose. “Boop. Earth to (Y/N), have we lost signal? Overheated the engines already?”

You blinked. “That’s not funny.”

“Oh, it’s hilarious. And still waiting, dear. Always waiting...”

To be honest, when you finally kissed him, it was more just to wipe that smug look off his face. But on second thought, maybe that had been his plan all along. To taunt you into action. But it worked. It worked extremely well, as you’d both closed your eyes. His hand pressed into your back, making sure you stayed tight against him as you’d let it happen again and again. One kiss after another.

It’d been different too. The first ones back in Cairo had been so desperate more than anything, just a burst of emotion like a dying wish when neither of you had really expected to make it out of that desert.

While this now was far slower, much more thought behind each. It did make you forget everything else for those moments except the taste and feel of him.

But as much as you liked the sensations, you also knew you had to be the one to steer you both back out of it. When you felt his hand starting to move under your shirt, sliding up greedily across your bare skin, you realized he was already wanting more. And this wasn’t the place, not the time. Not yet at least. You weren’t immune to those feelings either, but it’d be much better if you waited. As much as you knew he hated waiting...

You’d pulled your lips away, but he then only moved to kissing your neck instead as you had to speak his name to try and call him back out of it. “Peter.”

“Mmm?” He responded after a moment, at least pausing, even though his lips were still touching against your throat.

You tugged his hair a little to try and get him to look back up at you.

He resisted slightly, not a lot, but you knew he was stalling as best he could before he finally relented. “Stop sign comes out huh?” He breathed, though not upset, just clearly having trouble coming out of the mood as his hand slid back out of your shirt to rest only on top of your clothes.

“Not exactly enough privacy here,” you responded quietly. Which was of course a huge understatement as the others were probably just out of earshot right now. If you were lucky anyway.

“It’s a big ship, babe. I’m sure we can find a place,” He joked, but only partially you were sure. As you really thought if you said the word right now, he’d make it his mission to find such a place immediately.

You toyed with his hair a little more, moving the messy silver strands out away from his eyes. “I think it’s getting to be pretty inevitable if you really want to know the truth.”

He leaned into the touch, just kissing your hand once more as your palm neared too close to his mouth. “You make it really tough either way, I’ll say that.”

You knew better than to lecture this one on the virtue of patience. But this was already the most physical you’d ever been with anyone as it was, and all so soon. Yet you knew it was only a matter of time. These new feelings were only growing. None of this would be fading any time soon.

You just laid your head back on his shoulder after a while, speaking to him, “Hey, after we’ve cooled down a bit more here, you want to see if anyone will allow us on the flight deck? It’d be nice to see the ocean at least before the sun goes back down. Get some fresh air.”

“Romantic stroll in the ocean breeze you say? Well maybe more a romantic hobble for me.” He chuckled dryly. “I’m game.”

——————————

(Continued in next chapter here)

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eulchu · 3 years ago

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listen i fully agree with you. twitter is just a cesspool and it's best for people (not just creators, the fans too) stay off of it tbh. I'm not gonna pretend dream is perfect, but he sure isn't the person the internet makes him out to be. Controlling 23 million people that have just introduced themselves to you in the past year is literally impossible. I do like how the trend today, however, is trying to be used to lift up black creators. That's the best use I've seen of one of those things ever. The rest of it is just gross. And the situation with Karl genuinely upsets me. The boy didn't do anything. Literally the internet just wanted to bully an energetic, neurodivergent dude because he's not exactly what they want him to be. When they couldn't find anything he actually said that would be "canceleable", they made him answer for other people's actions and made up conspiracy theories. I can tell Karl is super sensitive to the way he can affect people and the idea of hurting someone is probably his worst nightmare, so I was (and am) genuinely worried for him. He gets shit no matter where he goes. I feel like Dream at least has a pretty solid support system. I'm just worried Karl may not have the same thing. (Sorry for the long message, I just wanted to talk about this a little lol)

ohh where do i start!

1. dream is flawed! and there's nothing wrong with admitting it. everyone is. i'm not gonna lie, you know i haven't been into the dreamsmp for the longest time but from what i can see i really admire his eagerness to do better and apologize for the things he's done wrong VERY thoroughly (mostly. once he's cooled down. he's not very good at dealing with confrontation). i'm not gonna pretend that i know everything that's been going on since he rose to fame nor am i a black person NOR know enough american culture to understand the correlation between his tweet and the (unintentional??) racist undertone, but i will say that today crossed a line, overall. i agree it was nice to see the poc cc threads (that's the only good thing that happened today) but man...

not only as a neordivergent person but also (as of right now, days away from graduating) a psych student, the hate and harassment he got for the "normal pills" is ridiculous. i'm not gonna get into it because i could write another whole essay about it, so all i'm gonna say is: ridiculous. and from what i've seen that's usually how it goes? same thing with the pride merch! he only did it because his fans asked for it. he has the Trevor project permanently linked to his sm accs. he's donating a shitton of money and people still tried (and ARE trying) to cancel him because his intentions are "fishy". everything he does has to get twisted into something that wasn't inherently hurtful.

and god don't even get me started on the doxxing and harassment and body shaming.... and people making a joke out of it because it's just so fucking funny! isn't it? i'm glad he's taking a break. i would've quitted everything months ago.

2. about the karl situation, this is an interesting one - you see, the first member of the dsmp i took notice of was mr karl jacobs! unlike w the rest of the dsmp, i've known karl waaay before christmas. i always had a spot for him, back when i only knew him through corpse's videos. you can imagine how that's amplified since i found out he's part of the feral boys. it was actually videos of a call between tina and karl that caught my attention and eventually led me to a lot of dsmp recs. honestly? i kinda hate that karl's lowest moment was what made me notice this whole community.

i cannot stress how awful i feel about this whole situation. and all for what? to this day i still don't know what made people be so goddamn horrible and mean to the kid. i knew almost nothing about him, except that he was friends with corpse and had met up with sapnap, and i remember when i heard about all the awful things that had been said to him on stream i went on a rage rampage and turned into the control police in yt comments. it just... doesn't compute. people kept saying 'stop saying this karl stops eating when this happens' and everyone??? went 'good'???? what the fuck? how can you sleep at night knowing you destroyed someone's mental health. i was so worried i even sent him a dm on instagram. i don't send dms. ever.

i get what you mean about the support system and yeah, i feel like dream has a big thing going on with sapnap and george? like everyone's close with everyone of course but i feel like the three are ride or die. i do however think that for karl, that's sapnap too. just based off on his personality and his relationship with karl, i like to think that he's a very strong support system for karl too.

overall i'm so glad i got to know them and i love their content but i really really wish someone would get them off the internet. they're gonna be ruined by 25 if people keep it up.

#long ask you say :) may i interest you in a long answer #i'm sorry i totally ranted my way through this #dreamwastaken #karl jacobs #dream neg #karl neg #eating disorder tw #ask #kraken45

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tigerdrop · 4 years ago

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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

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lesbian-octoling · 6 years ago

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Hey guys, Xeno drama ((you know, about the banner and hate and whatnot)) below the cut if you don’t wanna see it!!!

@mrkamabo--co Hello! I don’t know if you’re ever going to see this, but. It’s here.

First of all, yes, it’s me! lesbian-octoling, rhi-draws-things, whatever you wanna call me. I’m making this because I’ve heard through a friend of mine that I trust that you are a relatively good person, and while I don’t agree with everything you’ve done, I figured i might as well try to clear things up between us.

First off-

I’m sorry.

This is a 100% genuine, formal apology. I am sorry your medical issues are acting up, I understand completely. I had and almost identical use (albeit with chemical imbalances making me throw up, instead of breathing/heart issues, but both caused by stress), so I get it.

I’m not here to stress you further. In fact, I’m here to try and resolve the issue. I don’t want you to feel the way you do, and I don’t want to start more drama. I should know, i’ve been receiving nasty shit for a while. If you don’t want to read this- that’s okay! Don’t stress yourself, dude.

I just feel like this is important, because we never actually talked- and lack of communication often leads to violence.

But there are a few thing I wanted to address- first and foremost, the ‘xeno free zone’ banner, and the tags.

#‘you’re a coward cuz u wanna draw them with t^ddy’#i don’t do that in the first place lmao#and if you’re going to say:#'its actually scientifically accurate!’#nope it really isn’t #why?#why would squids/octopi evolve to have digigrades/muzzles/claws on their hands?#why would they look like goats with their eyes and muzzles?#they would have flat fish face!#have squid/octo hat heads!#like the third stage in their canon evolution!#exaggerate that if you want scientifically accurate squidlings/octolings/inklings!#otherwise.. yall just makin them into furries tbh#note: i have a surplus of fursonas#k peace

Ah, I hope you don’t mind me going off a bit, but I did want to say things!!!

Muzzles: Inkling beaks, IRL, are very long! they just look flat because.. well, squids are long! But if you put that into something shaped like a human head, they need a bit more room to stretch out.

Claws: they’re not actually claws, they’re hooks! Just like real deep-sea squids have hooks made of chitin that can retract back into their tentacles, which is why i made them like that. As you can see when they go back into heir squid forms, their arms and legs ARE just evolved tentacles!

Here’s a cool example of the hooks, as compared to some of my squid hands:

‘goat noses’: This is because… it’s not a nose! A real squid breathes through it’s siphon, which is one, large hole. That’s why their nose is like that- it’s not two nostrils, it’s one hole, but flattened down so it’s not just a big ol’ hole in their face. If it was, things might get into it, like dirt or bugs or.. i dunno.

Digigrades: admittedly, this is just because it’s fun, and theres no reason they shouldn’t. Any other similarities to cats is just… coincidental, really, as cats and squids have a lot of similarities (liking the sun, chasing lights, etc).

Eyes: Actually, this was a mistake. When i FIRST started getting into splatoon i was like ‘wait squids have horizontal pupils right’ and only found out later that no.. that’s octopi! But oh well, it was a bit late, eh? live and learn.

I’m not saying its fully scientifically accurate- hell, course it’s not! But its more biologically accurate than having them being made of ink. Mostly, I just think it’s fun, cus I’m a budding biologist and I think it’s cool to explore these concepts.

Ok! Thats all I gotta say. I just wanted a chance to explain myself, s’all! As for the banner itself… while it may have been joking in nature, I do think it was a bit rude. Kinda like swinging a bat at a hornet’s nest, yeah..? Like you said- “but yknow tumblr be tumblr, and i honestly expected This™”… you gotta watch out what you say sometimes. You could’ve made it more obvious that you were joking- putting ‘XENO FREE ZONE’ with bit red X’s and ‘feel free to reblog :)’ just has.. a very mean tone to it, and it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, regardless of your intentions. It really didn’t sound like a joke, to a lot of people, including me.

Though, maybe, we’re all just a bit wary- I’ve been receiving asks telling me to- quite literally- kill myself, multiple times, over this. I also know several friends who have gotten the same messages (a few of which don't even draw xeno, but simply because they are my friends). I think me (and other xeno artists, though I cannot speak for them) have a right to be wary, when we’re so used to being bashed. A lot of people are scared, and it doesn’t make what some people said right, I’m just… telling you why that massive backlash happened.

And by ‘massive backlash’…. if I’m being honest- and I don’t mean to make it sound trivial- a lot of the responses to those posts weren’t truly mean. Some people sent a clown meme, a lot of people responded with ‘why are you hating us, were just having fun’. A few were pretty mean, yes, but I could count them on one hand. These were light hearted in nature, and nothing like some of the truly nasty things that could’ve been said. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve received in my inbox…

I think a lot of this could’ve been avoided if your post right after had simply been an apology. Instead of playing the victim card, simply say ‘ah, that last post was a joke- i sincerely apologize, and I might’ve worded it poorly’. That’s it. And it could have been avoided if you said, in the tags ‘this is a joke post don't take it seriously’. But instead, you went on the criticize xeno aspects. Not saying you’re wrong, but pointing out why so many people took it the wrong way.

But.. the main thing I wanted to address was this post.

I.. can’t say I’m in the right, but I can’t say you are, either. I probably shouldn’t have made that post- but it was meant more as an off-hand joke. I didn’t mention you at all, as I didn’t want anyone to hate on you. It’s more of a running joke for my blog of ‘sexy tartar’, which is why it was funny enough that I brought it up.

#can’t feel safe#when i put an opinion out there#its easy.. to ignore a post yknow…? It’s also easy not to make a joke like that. Again- maybe you intended it as a joke, but it’s like one of those shitty april fools pranks where you tell somebody something bad happened. We got scared. Doesn’t make it right of us, but it doesn’t make it right of you, either.

But the ONLY thing I’m truly angry about- if you saying that ‘you, a minor, don’t feel safe because you’re being shat on by an adult’. The reason this makes me mad is because… I’m 18. Barely. And you’re 17. I’m… not even a full year older than you. I’m still in high school. The way you worded it made it sound like i’m a 32 year old getting off on sending hate to a 13 year old- and that’s not even close to the case. That is not cool, dude.

Anyway. Sorry about that, though I hope you can see why I’m.. unhappy with the wording. I’m trying to solve things here, not make them worse, ha…

And.. yes, I did block you. But not so you wouldn’t find out. You can still see my blog; i know this. I blocked you because I’ve been getting hate anons for the past few weeks, and I can’t be too careful with who I block. I’m tired of people telling me im ‘ruining the fandom’, so I tend to block at leisure, or when I have suspicion. And a big ‘ANTI XENO’ banner is reasonable suspicion, yes…?

Again, I apologize for that post, but i was not doing to to spite you, just because I found it funny. I didn’t contribute to the spreading of hate to you in any way- I am very anti-hate messaging, and very pro ‘block and ignore if you don’t like them’. Which is.. what I was trying to do, but I didn’t want to leave us on that sour note. I did not encourage anyone to ridicule you on your post, or send you any sort of messages and asks.The only people I complained to were my girlfriend and a select few close friends, who i KNOW would not participate in any sort of hate spreading.

I’m not asking you to be friends with me. I’m simply trying to clear off any misconceptions- I’m fully welcome to hearing what you have to say back. But…

All in all, I think the gist of what im trying to say is that we all made mistakes, and we should both own up to them. I’m very sorry about your heart condition- I sincerely, 100% hope you get better. And I’m hoping that by talking it out, we can clear things up and not let it stew..? I know that sometimes these things tend to eat at me until I fix them, and that is all I’m trying to do.

I’ve unblocked you for as long as it takes for us to resolve this issue, if you would like to move to DMs, or to discord. Either works. Or.. don’t respond at all, if you don’t want.

Have a nice night, and I hope you feel better!

#drama #please don't reblog this unless you're @mrkamabo--co #im tired and don't wanna fight; dudes

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pr-ay-the-gay-away · 5 years ago

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Hi, just wanted to ask your advice/opinion on something. I'm bisexual, but I've noticed that guys don't seem to like me, but gay/bi girls usually do. The only guy that's ever shown interest in me was bisexual. And I've been called bitchy or a bitch by quite a few guys, but most girls say that I'm a nice person and sweet. So, I'm not sure if there's something about my attitude or personality that guys find unattractive, but girls don't mind. (1/2)

Or maybe it's something about my face or appearance that guys don't like, but girls are ok with? It's really confusing. I know you don't know me, so you don't really have a good way of knowing what it is, but I was just wondering if you might have any suggestions or theories about what it could be? Or if you or someone you know has experienced anything similar? (2/2)

- - - - - - - -

“guys don't seem to like me”

Like, romantically or platonically as a person?

“but gay/bi girls usually do”

And what about the straight girls?

“The only guy that's ever shown interest in me was bisexual”

“And I've been called bitchy or a bitch by quite a few guys”

Calling someone a “bitch” or “bitchy” is not constructive feedback. If these guys are responding in this way when you interact with them, you might want to ask them to give you a more concrete example/explanation for why they think this about you. You’ll then either find out if there’s been a misunderstanding/miscommunication, or if they’re just incredibly immature/shitty.

“but most girls say that I'm a nice person and sweet”

Does that include the straight girls or just the gay/bi girls who like you? Because if the straight girls respond to you similarly as the guys who call you “bitchy” do, then it sounds like maybe unconscious bias stemming from homophobia.

“I'm not sure if there's something about my attitude or personality that guys find unattractive, but girls don't mind. - Or maybe it's something about my face or appearance that guys don't like, but girls are ok with?”

That ain’t it. That kind of essentialism between men and women, I find, tends to lend itself towards conservative thought and values. Which people do have. There will be people who believe that, and behave in that way. It’s not universal though. So I wouldn’t subscribe to those ideas because honestly they’re just not true everywhere.

If the straight girls think you’re a nice person and sweet, and it’s just the guys who are calling you a “bitch” and “bitchy”, I wonder whether they call all girls “bitches” or “bitchy” too? If this is the case, then it sounds like they’re a bunch of entitled assholes who feel like they hold the power to put girls down with the use of that word. Red flag, avoid dudes like these.

On the other hand, assuming that you’re the only girl being called this by the guys, maybe you’re behaving differently/treating the guys differently than other girls usually do. And if this is the case, then the guys probably have developed an unconscious sense of entitlement of how they expect other girls to respond to them. This might not even be a sinister thing - it could be like a guy who is used to girls laughing at his jokes out of politeness, and then one day a girl doesn’t laugh because it’s genuinely just not that funny, and because all of his other data points have pointed to all the girls he’s known laughing at his jokes, and even his guy friends who do it out of politeness too (groupthink), so that immediate response to not seeing you laughing of “Oh no, maybe I’m not actually funny” incites such a strong feeling of insecurity that is so uncomfortable that in order to protect one’s own ego, they’ll quickly skim over other data points and come to the defensive conclusion “Everybody else laughed, I am funny. This girl is just a bitch” instead of considering other hypotheses to be explored like “Maybe I can’t rely on my other data points - is there evidence that they could be conditioned to respond to something other than my joke, such as a desire for social cohesion? How might I go about verifying this? Maybe by asking them whether their laughter was genuine? Can I trust their answer?” like, no-one’s going through that thought process then and there (maybe they are at like 3am at night). However if it IS a sinister thing, eg. you’re a bitch because you don’t seem “easily available” to them for whatever reason, that’s a red flag once again, avoid dudes like these.

You haven’t given me any concrete examples of their behavior or the situations, so I’m completely hypothesizing here.

“if you or someone you know has experienced anything similar?”

I know people who have been bullied by guys (and girls) in high school. Because they subscribed too much to what these “friends” thought of them, it impacted them very deeply. What’s funny is that when you talk to people who have been bullied, you find out that they often have very good friends and people in their network too. Usually people they spent time with to get away from the bullying. And then you wonder “well, why not just ditch the bullies and hang out with these better friends instead?” But bullying does that to a person, especially when you place trust in someone and they betray that trust. You can’t fathom it because you would never have done the same to them. If you’re being bullied, try to see a therapist about it. Talking about it to an impartial third-party can help bring perspective and validation for the stuff you’re feeling/experiencing.

As for me, most people I know used to throw around the term “bitch” and “bitchy” in high school to describe other people, usually women. Growing social awareness and emotional/mental maturity lead myself and a lot of the people I associate with to grow out of it. Sometimes I find myself or others falling back on it, but we usually try to catch ourselves/call ourselves out and apologize straight after, and then try to explain in more articulate terms the point or the feedback that we’re actually trying to get across. Because “bitch” and “bitchy” are not useful at all. They don’t tell me what someone is actually doing or has done. They just tell me that the person who uttered the words is too immature to express themselves properly. Maybe it’s situational and they’re in a very emotional place right now and they need to calm down a bit. But maybe it’s a function of their character and they’ve never developed the awareness to recognize that it’s a very un-constructive and destructive term, and also gendered AF. If it’s the latter case, that’s a red flag. Do not put up with people like that.

Oh and that bit I wrote above about not laughing at dudes’ jokes. Yeah that was me lols. And those were my friends lols. I don’t hang out with those people anymore, I don’t know what they’re like now and whether they’re any different in that particular aspect of their awkward laughter groupthink behavior, but I can look back at the behaviors from then and see how it was driven by insecurities and egos.

You move through different social groups and communities as you progress through life. You are exposed to more people as you venture out and away from what you knew and experience more of life/the world. The people you know right now are an infinitesimally small sample of the world, and there’s heaps more types of people (and dudes) out there. Keep the people who positively grow with you, and say goodbye to and let go of the ones who don’t.

If you’re trying to get attention from men based on your looks alone, well then there’s entire industries dedicated to selling you products for that :\ But if you’re just trying to find men who could wanna give you the time of day without calling you a “bitch” or “bitchy”, it’s possible you just need to meet more people to find those men. If you’re in school at the moment, you will inevitably meet more people once you’re out of school (school restricts who you meet because of it’s structure taking up your entire day and exposing you to the same set of people for years)

I wouldn’t stress too much about it. I’d focus on the people around you who do like you and treat you well, rather than spending all of your time thinking about the ones who don’t and why.

#ask #anon

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seriestrash · 6 years ago

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The List - Chapter Six

- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 -

Summary: It’s summer vacation and TJ and Cyrus fill their days checking things of Cyrus’ list.

Read on AO3

Chapter Six: Overnight - PART TWO

Note: This chapter picks up right where the last one ended.

Word Count: 3317

Once inside the apartment again TJ says he’s going to order dinner - with the side Cooper picked as Cyrus happily let him have the perks of their win - and TJ tells the twins to try and not annoy Cyrus too much whilst he’s busy.

Whilst TJ remains in the kitchen on the phone, Cyrus hangs out with the twins, or more accurately they hang around him, the way younger siblings usually do with their older siblings friends. Cyrus didn’t have much experience with younger siblings as he was an only child an all but the gruelling no rules basketball game had bonded them all for life, or so he joked about it the next time he hung out with Amber.

They all sat in TJ’s and Cooper’s room. Cyrus felt awkward for a moment and asks what they usually do for fun. Cooper keeps quiet but Katie isn’t shy with sharing how she likes to play dress up.

“I don’t know if I make a convincing princess,” Cyrus chuckles and Katie giggles too, “I think after my efforts on the court I’m more of a basketball superstar,” and that addition made Cooper laugh.

“Oh you don’t believe me?” Cyrus coaxes his head in Cooper’s direction. He then reaches for one of TJ’s hoodies that laid in a heap of washing on the floor and holds it up against himself. Cyrus does a playful imitation of TJ - to communicate how much of a basketball guy he now was - and this causes both the twins to giggle. Cyrus quickly realises this was a worn jumper and jokingly comments that their mom was right and TJ smelt awful thus turning the twins giggles into a full on laughter eruption.

“I hear laughing, stop having fun without me!” TJ’s voice echoes from down the hall as he approaches.

Without thinking much of it, Cyrus decides to keep the joke going and throws TJ’s sweatshirt over himself to properly wear it.

Once TJ finally reenters the room he too erupts in laughter at Cyrus’ goofy pose with a basketball pinned under his arm for effect.

“Are you making fun of me, Cyrus?” TJ asks jokingly through his laughs.

“Pfft. This is the new me.” Cyrus exaggerates his cool boy pose more and everyone was very giggly which made it harder for Cyrus to compose himself.

“Where’s your bag?” TJ asks.

“By the bunk, why?” Cyrus questions.

“If you get to be basketball guy I want to be underdog.” TJ finds Cyrus’ overnight bag and helps himself to it.

“Okay.” Cyrus agrees.

“I need something Cyrus-y, like your hoodie with the penguins on it.” TJ rummages through the bag.

“I got a shirt in there for tomorrow with little sloths on it.” Cyrus mumbles nervously and suddenly he was worried TJ might think he’s a dork.

“Perfect.” TJ exclaims as he pulls out the navy printed shirt. He proceeds to try button it over his t-shirt with great difficulty.

“If you really want to be Cyrus-y put on the cardigan.” Cyrus instructs and TJ does so without hesitation and even that was more fitted on the taller boy than it should be.

“Perfect fit.” TJ jokes with a laugh as he touches the distressed looking buttons down the front of the shirt.

“We can’t all have noodle limbs.” Cyrus flaps the extra length of the hoodies sleeve over his hand.

“Hey!” TJ looks offended.

“I’m like an octopus.” Cyrus adds with a chuckle and TJ drops his offence to laugh along with him.

“This is hilarious,” TJ smiles, “Let’s get a picture.”

Cyrus agrees and the boys take a silly photoshoot with the help of Katie whilst Cooper sits by and watches. Although, Cyrus did manage to get Cooper to participate in one group photo.

“Amazing.” TJ says as he looks at one of the silly snapshots of the two of them on his phone screen. “Are you cool if I post this?”

Cyrus knits his brows for a moment, being silly was one thing but posting it for everyone to see was another. A year ago Cyrus wouldn’t have thought twice about posting something like that but ever since Jonah said that thing about being dorky with matching jackets Cyrus had become a little more self aware with how he presents himself.

“If you want.” Cyrus shrugs.

“I don’t have to.” TJ frowns as he noticed Cyrus’ mood change.

"You don’t think it’s kinda dorky?” Cyrus questions nervously.

“So what if it is?” TJ shrugs casually. “It’s hilarious.”

Cyrus deflects from how anxious this conversation made him feel and joked about TJ needing to shower to his face.

TJ pretends to be offended but quickly agrees. “Fine, fine, I’m going to shower. Everyone can get in their pyjamas but Coop you can set up the living room for a movie and Katie you get some napkins for dinner first.” TJ instructs, “Pizza will be here in twenty!”

TJ leaves to shower and Katie and Cooper leave to complete the tasks TJ set for them whilst Cyrus changes into his pyjamas. What to wear for his first sleepover in a long while was part of the reason he took two hours to come over, he was stressing over the perfect decision. Eventually Cyrus settled on some simple black and grey stripped bottoms paired with his favourite t-shirt to sleep in, it’s a vintage Jurrassic Park shirt that Andi found in a thrift shop once and bought for Cyrus as a gift and he’s treasured it ever since.

“Hey cool shirt,” TJ says as he renters the room after his shower and it spooks Cyrus.

“Wow that was quick,” Cyrus laughs off his embarrassment over being jumpy. Cyrus stops for a second and looks at TJ in a comfy pair of sweats and a t-shirt, his hair is damp and deflated from its usual gelled status to lightly wavy tousles that TJ swoops back with his hand. He looked so cosy Cyrus thought.

“Have you seen a contact lens container anywhere?” TJ asks.

Cyrus shakes his head no although he hadn’t really been looking around the room in TJ’s absence.

“I bet Katie’s hidden it somewhere.” TJ lets out a sigh.

“Wait,” Cyrus holds a hand up in the air, “You’re telling me you’ve been vision impaired this whole afternoon?”

TJ is unsure why Cyrus is being weird about this.

“You’re telling me you managed to make those baskets without your glasses or contacts in?” Cyrus asks dramatically. “Suddenly my efforts today on the court feel a whole lot less impressive...”

TJ shakes his head with a laugh, “If I put on my glasses are you going to start teasing me?”

Cyrus holds a hand to his chest with a dramatic gasp, “I would never!”

TJ sluggishly picks up the glasses from his desk and puts them on. Cyrus chews on his bottom lip to hide a smile.

“You’re being weird.” TJ groans and folds his arms.

“I am not!” Cyrus says defensively.

“You are.” TJ pouts.

“It’s just the glasses and the curly hair,” Cyrus coaxes his head, “It’s like I don’t know you at all.”

“You’re making me insecure,” TJ exaggerates a sheepish expression.

“I like them!” Cyrus says genuinely. “If I were you I’d wear them out in public.”

This time TJ really was sheepish after Cyrus’ compliment.

“I forgot to ask you about your day earlier, did you have fun with the guys from the team?” Cyrus questions. “I’m honestly surprised you were finished with them so quickly considering you haven’t seen them all summer.”

TJ shrugs nonchalantly. “I don’t know if I really like them all that much anymore.”

“Why?” Cyrus knits his brows, these three guys were supposed to be TJ’s closest buddies so the statement confused him.

“I was just hanging out with them this morning and realised we find different things funny.”

“They like knock knock jokes but you prefer puns?” Cyrus jokes.

TJ gives Cyrus an unamused look even though he was slightly amused.

“You ever act different around certain people sometimes?” TJ asks more seriously.

The memory of when Cyrus thought Jonah called him girly comes to mind and how he tried to be more of a ‘dude’. Cyrus nods and TJ continues, “Maybe I don’t like who I am when I’m around them.”

Something about that came off as very mature to Cyrus, for TJ to recognise if certain company made him feel like a bad person and to be able to admit that and want to cut ties. “I like who you are when we hang out.” Cyrus says honestly with a smile.

Again TJ doesn’t know how to accept the kind comment and he shifts awkwardly in place, “Quit tricking me into talking about my feelings all the time.” TJ forces out a laugh and exits the room.

“It’s the four shrink parents,” Cyrus chuckles as he follows TJ out, “People open up to me.”

Shortly after the pizza arrives and the four settle in the living room for dinner. They watch a kid friendly movie before TJ tells the twins it’s time to go to bed. They protest a little but eventually TJ manages to get the younglings out of the room, he follows just to make sure they actually went to bed.

Once he returns, TJ exhales loudly as he flops down on the sofa beside Cyrus.

“They’re in bed finally.” TJ says, “Sorry they’ve been hanging around all afternoon.”

“I don’t mind.” Cyrus says genuinely, “They actually make me wish I wasn’t an only child.”

“Take the twerps on full-time and you might change your mind.” TJ jokes.

"You’re really good with them. They're lucky to have a big brother like you.” Cyrus says softly and TJ laughs the compliment off nervously.

“What about you?” TJ pushes the attention to Cyrus, “You managed to get Coop to warm up to you in a couple of hours and he doesn’t really warm to anyone.”

“Funny, Buffy said a similar thing to me when I tried to explain to her that we were friends.” Cyrus says with a slight smirk.

“Ha ha.” TJ speaks his laugh. “I mean because Coop’s really shy, even when it’s just me and Katie he prefers to sit on the sidelines. You getting him involved today is a pretty big deal.”

Cyrus shrugs casually “It was nothing, once I convinced him you’d let us win, he was on board.”

“I didn’t let you win this time-“

“This time.” Cyrus’ smile is knowing.

TJ shakes his head with an eye roll, “You abused the limits of no rules basketball.”

“You’re just a sore loser.” Cyrus accuses. “Now we just need Andi to beat you and you’ll have lost to the whole good hair crew.”

“Calling yourself the good hair crew, now that’s dorky.” TJ laughs.

If that came from anyone else it might have hurt Cyrus’ feelings but coming from TJ, Cyrus knew it was only lighthearted teasing so he was able to laugh along with him.

“You’re just jealous you’re not a member.” Cyrus retorts.

“Heartbroken.” TJ jokes.

“If you wore your hair like this more we might be open to consider you for admission.” Cyrus motions to TJ’s wavy hair.

“And what’s wrong with how I usually wear my hair?” TJ asks defensively and it makes Cyrus chuckle.

“Nothing at all.” Cyrus says.

TJ humorously turns up his nose, “I don’t want to be in the group.”

“What? You’re rejecting the good hair crew?” Cyrus plays offended.

“I’m going to start my own club instead.” TJ shrugs a single shoulder casually.

“I wanna be in the club,” Cyrus exaggerates a whine and settles with a begging pout.

“I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it.” TJ taps his index finger against his chin a few times. “What if my club is the bad hair crew, you sure you’re eligible?”

“It might be really hard but I’m sure I can try to adapt.” Cyrus ruffles his hair jokingly.

Their laughs mesh together in one happy mess. Once the chuckles settle, TJ explains that they’ll be hanging out in the living room tonight since Katie and Coop were sleeping in the bunk in his room. TJ explains that the sofa has a pull out bed but since they were planning on staying up all night hey wouldn’t need to set it up.

“Good plan in theory,” Cyrus bops his head, “One small detail I think I should share with you…”

“And that is?” TJ raises a brow.

“I happen to fall asleep on the sofa almost every night when I watch television with my parents.” In fact just a couple days ago he had passed out before Amber went home during one of their dinner and movie nights.

“Well good thing I’m here to keep you awake.” TJ grins. “I’ll just hit ya if you look like you’re dosing off.” TJ gives Cyrus a playful shove and Cyrus retaliates with a weak shove of his own.

TJ pretends to be hurt by Cyrus’ shove and they two laugh together.

“Want to watch a scary movie?” TJ asks after the room falls quiet.

“Not particularly.” Cyrus frets. “I don’t know why that’s on my list, I hate scary movies and have little interest actually watching one.”

“I thought you might not be excited about that task so I thought of a loophole.” TJ says proudly.

“Do tell?” Cyrus is intrigued.

“Well your list said ‘watch a scary movie’.” TJ says, “So I think we should watch a scary movie.”

“Not seeing the loophole just yet..” Cyrus laughs.

“There’s this movie series called ‘Scary Movie’,” TJ explains, “There’s a bunch of them and they're just parodies of old scary movies.”

“So like comedies?” Cyrus questions.

“Exactly.” TJ nods.

“Is that cheating?” Cyrus asks.

“I don’t think so.” TJ shakes his head, “But if you wanted to watch a real scary movie we can watch one I’ve seen before and I can warn you before scary parts come on?”

“Let’s try the comedy first.” Cyrus laughs anxiously.

TJ takes a moment to fix them some snacks and then the two turn off all the lights to set the ‘spooky’ mood for the movie. Cyrus was happy to learn that TJ was right, the movie was far more comedic than scary.

Once the comedy ends TJ somehow managed to convince Cyrus to watch the other movie option anyway. TJ kindly warns Cyrus before jump scares but that didn’t mean Cyrus was relaxed watching the film. He gripped onto the popcorn bowl so tightly it made his hands go red and even with the warnings, Cyrus still bopped in place with fright. At one point TJ forgot about a particular scare and Cyrus leaps out of his seat with a verbal squeal.

TJ fights the urge to laugh at Cyrus’ reaction whilst apologising for forgetting to warn him.

“You did that on purpose!” Cyrus accuses.

“I did not!” TJ looks offended.

A few moments later both the boys are spooked when Katie enters the room. Cyrus’ yelp had woken her and she came down a little frightened to see what was going on.

Cyrus apologises for making such a scene and TJ sweetly and effortlessly lifts up his younger sister to take her back to bed after assuring her everything was alright.

Cyrus remains in the dark living room with the movie on pause. Anxiously he sits alone with scary thoughts about monsters lingering in the dark on his mind as he waits for TJ’s return.

A couple minutes later TJ slinks back into the room seemingly without a care on his mind.

“That was the bravest thing I’ve ever done.” Cyrus says with an exhale.

“Sit in my living room?” TJ laughs with a confused face.

“Alone.” Cyrus says seriously. “Whilst horror movie scenarios are fresh in my mind.” He motions towards the paused movie.

“I’m sorry,” TJ fights a chuckle, “Next time I have to take my scared little sister back to bed you can come with me so you’re not alone.”

Cyrus knew TJ was teasing but he still says, “Thank you. I’d appreciate that.”

This makes TJ laugh softly and he sits back on the sofa beside Cyrus. TJ mirrors Cyrus’ position with his back against the opposite arm rest and his legs tucked up against himself.

“Is Katie alright?” Cyrus asks, “Sorry I woke her.”

Don’t worry about it.” TJ swats the air, “She wakes up in the middle of the night a lot anyway, especially when mom’s working overnights.”

“Do you babysit them a lot?” Cyrus asks.

“I guess.” TJ shrugs sheepishly, “Mom makes me keep my pay check for myself whilst she pays for everything like basketball and now my new tutor.. So I don’t mind helping out with the twins when she picks up extra shifts.”

“And your dad?” Cyrus asks cautiously.

TJ ruffles his fingers through his hair for a second and settles with a slight shrug, “Last I heard he moved to New York somewhere.. but that was over two years ago so who knows what he’s doing these days.”

Cyrus’ expression falls and he instantly regrets prying as it was to feed his own curiosity whilst not really regarding TJ’s feelings, “I’m sorry,” Cyrus says sincerely.

“Don’t be,” TJ plays it off casually, “I figure there’s not point in wasting my energy over a guy who left me with nothing but his name.”

Cyrus struggled to find something comforting to say although he really wanted to. Cyrus’ parents divorce happened when he was quite young and they had him on an intense readjustment regime considering their professions.

“I never thought you looked like much of a Thomas either,” Cyrus says with a small smile and the soft expression it elicits from TJ suggests that was exactly the right thing to say. The two fall quiet and a soft and smiley moment passes before TJ finally speaks up.

“Do you want to finish the movie now?” TJ asks.

“Can’t we watch something not so scary?” Cyrus is hopeful.

“We could watch Jurassic Park.” TJ motions to Cyrus’ shirt, “I’ve never seen the originals before, just the reboots.”

Cyrus gasps, “It’s settled, put it on!”

The two settle comfortably into the sofa to watch the first Jurassic Park movie, Cyrus loosens up very quickly as his love for this movie washed away any lingering fears the scary movie had left him with.

It was part of the way through the second movie that Cyrus began to feel himself getting tired but surely enough TJ was there to keep him awake.

During the third Jurassic Park film Cyrus felt his eyes grow extremely heavy. By now it was close to 3am and he realised he hadn’t been paying much attention to the movie at all and he hadn’t heard from TJ in a while.

Cyrus picks his head up from where it rested against his closed fist and looks to TJ whom is curled into the opposite arm of the sofa.

“TJ?” Cyrus whispers and the taller boy doesn’t stir. “Teej?” Cyrus gently grabs and shakes TJ’s legs which are tucked up beside him on the sofa.

TJ snaps his head towards Cyrus in surprise, “Huh?”

“You can’t fall asleep.” Cyrus mumbles unenthusiastically.

“I wasn’t.” TJ says and he takes his glasses off his face and rubs his eyes.

“Good,” Cyrus matches TJ’s lethargic volume, “Because we’re supposed to stay up.. all..” Cyrus sleepily struggles to finish his sentence as he rests his head back against his arm on the sofas arm rest.

“Have I ever let you down, underdog?” TJ yawns.

Cyrus shakes his head no as the words were too much effort to affirm out loud.

Then almost immediately - and despite their best efforts - they both drift off to sleep.

[Next Chapter]

End Notes: Can I just say that making Cyrus afraid of scary movies worked for the plot of this chapter but I reckon that he’s actually a scary movie buff. He was hooked on Buffy’s snake tale in whichever episode it was where he questions the facts hahah. Anyway! Thanks for reading friends.

#tyrus #andi mack #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #the list fic #tyrus fic

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spiritfamantics-blog · 5 years ago

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About Us

Hi, I’m Helia, your local human Tumblr user and spirit companion. I’m 18, a Taurus sun and moon, and am in a committed polyamorous relationship with any and all pasta dishes. I also use they/them pronouns. I’ve been working with spirits since May 2017, so over two years now. These guys have made it fly by. Speaking of, I suppose I should introduce them.

First up is Feyr, the wyvern-bird hybrid. She is my only known guardian, and she is 18, exactly the same age as me (down to the birthday). She was the first spirit I ever met and has thankfully stuck around to keep me out of trouble (mostly, she can’t cure impulsivity). She, like some dragons, keeps growing well into her lifetime. When I met her she was about the size of a ferret. Now she’s about 3 feet tall. Anyway, onto her personality. She is the “wildcard” of the group and often behaves like a child who has eaten too much sugar. She is very energetic and happy-go-lucky. She is incredibly curious and loves to learn anything and everything, even if she doesn’t take well to it (see her rudimentary Spanish). She is very funny and has a sunny disposition, seeing the positive in every person and situation. Though she can act immature, she is the voice of reason (sometimes). Other times, she wants to get herself into some astral trouble because she thinks it’s fun and adventurous and she is an adrenaline junkie. When it comes to me and the rest of the family, she is unconditionally loving and accepting. She has a bit of an overachiever complex because she never felt good enough in either of her parents’ communities, being raised a hybrid. Not fully dragon and not fully bird, she is in the process of accepting herself as her own unique being. One of her hopes and dreams in life is to find whatever deity cosmically assigned her to me and thank them. I, for one, am flattered.

Next is Rabbit the winged rabbit. Yes, he did choose his name, and yes, he will kick you if you make fun of it. Rabbit was the second spirit I met, when my beloved Nana gifted me a jade rabbit necklace. I, a newbie energy worker, could feel the anger radiating off this thing. So, I did the smart thing (I’m being sarcastic, please do not follow in my footsteps, meeting your own Rabbit is highly unlikely and not guaranteed) and decided to free the entity. Lo and behold, a grumpy old man. Who was a rabbit. Who had wings. Needless to say, I was a little confused. But then this guy really laid into me, yelling at me about how he was fine living in a necklace and how dare I move him. I had half a mind to banish him, but Feyr, always more intuitive than I, told me to let him stay. So he did, reluctantly, and I let him, reluctantly. We kind of had beef at the beginning, but he and Feyr got along so incredibly well. He was like a father to her. Much better than her own father, who never visited. Finally, one day, Rabbit approached me, and sat down next to me. He said, finally, “Thank you for freeing me.” I said, “You’re welcome, but why’d you have to be such a douche about it?” He laughed, and thus began a beautiful friendship. Anyway, moving away from his origin story. Rabbit is an odd character. He, at first, appears very gruff, no-nonsense, and uncaring. Under this facade, however, is a sweet, brave, sarcastic, and fatherly spirit, who is fiercely protective and loving. He tends to adopt those without good parental relationships, and becomes a father to them. He can be loose and fun, if you find him under the right circumstances. Otherwise, he is a bit buttoned-up and doesn’t find it easy to relax. He is easily stressed but doesn’t like to show his emotions at all. He is working on being more open and not bottling things up. He can be self-deprecating and sometimes even unkind to himself, but being part of a loving family and seeing how much he is cared for is helping with this. Any love you give him, he will return tenfold. He is an upstanding, true, gentleman. However, he isn’t polite and can be a bit crass at times. He has a perpetual “grumpy face” and smiles very rarely. He cries even less so, but when he does, you mirror his emotions because they are just so powerful. Overall, he is a very sweet man.

Third is S, the winged cat, and Rabbit’s beloved wife and the mother to his children. I met S through a now-closed spirit shop. Don’t worry, there wasn’t any shady business, and I’m still friends with the former owner. S is a true firecracker, but she is incredibly motherly, gentle, and kind. She says what she means and means what she says, but is very sweet (most of the time). Don’t mistake her femininity for fragility, because if any of her loved ones are threatened she will claw somebody’s eyes out. She is the optimist to her husband Rabbit’s pessimist, and is a firm believer in thinking positively. However, she is a Slytherin, and can be prone to scheming to get what she wants. She is never manipulative, and instead prefers honesty in her words and actions. To her friends, she is the quintessential “mom friend”; she makes sure everyone is cared for, especially fed. To her children, she is their world. She is curious and eager to investigate new scenarios, though she often prefers the familiarity and comfort of her family. She is quite funny and loves jokes, though she doesn’t tolerate stupidity from anyone. If any of her loved ones make a mistake, she’s quick with a light smack of the head and to call them an idiot, while reminding them to do better next time. She has “settled down” quite a bit in the last year, since her children have been born, but she still retains her adventurous spirit.

Fourth is N, the strawberry elf, and the girlfriend of Violet and Paris. I met her, also, through a now-closed spirit shop. And yes, I am still friends with the mod who matched her to me. N is a lovely soul, if a little shy at first. Once she gets to know you, however, she never shuts up (and I say this in the most loving way ever). She is bubbly and bright, and probably the nicest entity I’ve ever met, including humans. She would do anything for a friend and goes out of her way to be compassionate. If everyone were like her, the world would be absolutely perfect and free of conflict. She loves to garden, and is very patient (as seen with her trying to help me knit, which is not one of my strong suits, to say the least). Although she can seem a bit timid, she is a huge believer in not letting fear control her, and is quite brave. She also has a gentle touch, and is a great listener and comfort when any of us aren’t feeling our best. Her dynamic with her girlfriends makes me smile every time I see them, because they’re just so goshdarn cute. N is definitely the chatty one, although if she talks about plants Violet jumps right in with her. She is often in the middle when they all hold hands. (Hey N, how come your mom lets you have two girlfriends?)

Fifth is Violet, the deer shifter, and the girlfriend of N and Paris. I met her through Forestsong Sanctuary, where I was an intern. The shop is now closed, but being an intern was one of the best experiences of my life (Psst, now I intern at Hallowed Conjurations; I’m Intern Werewolf). Violet is the queen of all memes, and has the best (and silliest) sense of humor. She is incredibly sweet, but unafraid to call you out if you’re doing something dumb. She cares deeply for everyone in the family, and the Earth. She is probably singlehandedly going to end global warming (I’m kidding but still). She’s very active, being the kind of weirdo who goes for a run every morning, no matter the weather. She is a huge self-advocate and also stands up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. Very much a girl boss. She is perpetually barefoot and generally kind of a hippie (she’s all about achieving peace and love, even if we have to eat the rich).

Sixth is Paris, the Crystal Cut Succubus (gee Par your species picked one helluva name). She is the girlfriend of both Violet and N. I met her through Supernova Spirits, which has now merged with Spirit Companionship.She is a hopeless romantic, and very solemn, sometimes. She’s generally quite placid in nature. She loves people and is very encouraging. She honestly reminds me of those influencer girls that are genuinely nice and want to help people (so like, one of them). Though, she’s quite private about her life and would never actually be a social media influencer. I suppose a more accurate comparison would be Sappho, or some other incredibly gay author who cannot contain their poetic love for women. If there’s one thing she doesn’t like being, it’s misunderstood. Yes, she is a succubus. No, she doesn’t want to bang everyone she sees. She emphasizes that species does not equal behavior, and that free will is a thing. On a summer day, she can be found watching the sunset, writing love letters, enjoying the cool breeze, swimming, and eating a popsicle seductively to make her girlfriends go into cardiac arrest.

Seventh is Opal, the color-changing cat thoughtform. She was made for me by Forestsong Spirits as a therapy thoughtform, and is part of the family. Though she doesn’t speak, she communicates her emotions by changing the color of her coat. She is very empathetic and sweet, and can be found lying in my lap at any given moment.

Eighth is Oink, the pear pig. He was an RA through the same shop S came from. Oink’s gentle and soft personality can seem childlike, but he just loves life and is enjoying it. He can be a bit innocent, but do not mistake his placid temperament for that of a child. He is a bit immature, especially in regards to jokes. He absolutely loves food, and will eat just about anything. His attitude to food is generally how he approaches life; his philosophy is “bring it on.” He accepts the good and bad, in life and in people. He is absolutely very “chill”; he doesn’t care for much “action” and would rather be home eating than out having an adventure. However, he isn’t lazy, he prefers the term “cool”. He can seem a bit detached at times, but he is truly very enthusiastic and energetic. He matches Feyr in terms of energy, which is quite hard to do. He is ineffably kind, and if he offends someone even by accident, he is wholeheartedly apologetic. He wants to be seen as a good person, and he truly is.

Last but not least is Unity, the werewolf-sanguine vampire hybrid. I met Unity through Mod Ghost of Hallowed Conjurations. Feyr and Unity found kinship in one another, both being hybrids. Unity is the quintessential cool relative who seems kind of removed from it all, but the second things start heading south, they’re protecting everyone who needs help. They don’t take shit and they don’t dole it out, either. They say exactly what they mean, every time. They detest liars and those who try to trick others with words. They are very parental and sweet, but never hold back. They will absolutely swear at you and call you a gigantic idiot if you do something you know you shouldn’t have. They only lay into you if you don’t use common sense; if you make a true mistake, they’re there to help you solve the problem, even if it doesn’t involve them. They are very spontaneous and like to have fun. You’ll rarely see them regretting anything, as they believe that living in the moment is the only way to live.

I’m sorry for the wall of text, and will be putting each of my companions’ bios into their own posts.

#spirit companion #spirit companionship #spirit work #spirit worker

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j-k-notrowling · 5 years ago

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Hi there! Spoilers up front: this is a gratuitously long-winded “thank you,” not an Ask (also I’m 31 and don’t know how to Social Media so apologies if this is the wrong page/tab/link/widget).

--(oh actually it’s a blog post now because of course I can’t send an “Ask” this stupidly long see? wasn’t kidding about that Social Media thing...)--

I started writing my first book in the Fall of 2016. Before that I’d only written songs. One day I got an idea which didn’t fit within the usual rhymes or rhythms. I tried and tried, but kept on hitting a wall. In addition, I was fed up with the whole “business” of music—the fragile egos, the politics of being in a band, all that. One morning I sat down at my HP desktop computer (again...31) and opened up a blank Word document. I stared at it with murderous intent for a long time, but nothing happened. So I grabbed the nearest book off the shelf (Crash by J.G. Ballard), opened it, and began to type out the first paragraph, copying the sentences line by line. I wanted to see what it felt like — my clumsy fingers pecking at the keyboard, observing how the words fell into place with a musical cadence and tempo almost prophetic, as though the ink were destined to dry in this exact form upon the page, the machinery of its tumultuous birth and impeccable design skillfully concealed. I paused and looked out the window. There was a squirrel on the deck, I remember. And then I saw it. Not outside but inside my own head, behind my eyelids. The song, the one I’d been struggling to write, I saw that it could be a story. I saw it had a clear beginning, middle, and end. I saw a world of characters opening doors to other worlds, other stories, other characters. This was life-changing shit. Suddenly I was a little boy at my first baseball game, drinking my first ice-cold Coke, surrounded by old men chain-smoking Marlboro Reds and muttering dirty words I’d never heard before about the [EXPLETIVES DELETED] on the opposing team. I’d discovered a fire fueled by the psychic anarchy of its own discovery, a Moebius-strip of dramatic invention, a repository for all the pop-cultural turds floating around inside the cracked porcelain toilet bowl of my skull. I wrote prose every night after work. I never thought about what I was doing. I never once stopped to check word counts or page counts. I never thought about sticking to an outline, making sure my story adhered to a specific plot structure, none of that. I wrote like a man in love. Delirious, overheated teenage love. Wear-my-ill-fitting-letterman’s-jacket love (is this also A Thing™️ in Canada?). Stupid stupid stupid love, naive and hormonal and precious and retrospectively mortifying. I’d turn off the world, turn on the music, sit back and watch the words sashay straight into my lap. It took 2-3 months before the ruthless scourge known as Self Doubt farted in my private elevator. Am I doing this right? How many words are in a book, anyway? How many pages? How long is this going to take? Is this an effective way to impress women and/or get laid? Am I writing a novel or a novella? The fuck is “flash fiction”? Are you allowed to write actual books in Microsoft Word? Does it matter that my free trial version of Microsoft Word expires in 30 days? They’re bluffing, right? And so on. I compared my own writing with that of authors I admired; subsequently, I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I watched 40+ hours of “Kitchen Nightmares” reruns (it’s. the. same. fucking. formula. every. single. episode.) and nursed my shame with bowl after bowl of strawberry ice cream. To think — I’d TOLD people about this fool’s errand, and sooner or later I’d have to show them precisely how awful a writer I was... I turned to the Internet for advice. At first, it seemed like a godsend. There was such a litany of knowledge, so many pro-tips and life hacks and proven formulas for success. This was how I stumbled across your channel. I found other channels which offered more straightforward “DO IT LIKE THIS YOU FUCKING IDIOT” instructions, but I still enjoyed yours the most. I lol-ed at your jokes. I remember a few videos where you spoke highly about All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, which remains among the most achingly beautiful books I’ve ever read. Also you’re Canadian, and you guys just generally Human better than we (Americans) Human. ...and here my troubles began. See, the more I tried to adhere to word count goals, the more I tried to properly organize the scenes on my Scrivener™️ virtual cork board, the less I enjoyed the actual process of writing. So I tried other things, based upon other writers’ suggestions: cut the adverbs, write in the morning, write at night, write during your lunch break, write an outline, stick to the outline, write x amount of pages per day, write x number of hours per day, spend x amount of hours drafting and x amount of hours editing, etc. But nothing I tried made me feel confident in my writing. I started actively hating it, to be honest. I dreaded the cursor and the infinite white void. Then I would watch more writing videos and feel guilty about my lack of ambition, my inability to accomplish simple tasks. It’s only a few thousand words, dude — just get in there and do it. Eventually I would. I’d grumble and feel miserable and stay locked in my little writing dungeon all night, ignoring my friends’ texts and phone calls, and the next day I’d hate everything I wrote, trash it, and start over. Then, when I had no more writing left to hate, I started hating myself. The words in my head turned malignant, putrefied into spongy, black tumors. I’d spend all day at work consumed by thoughts and ideas and goals! goals! goals! for my book, then I’d come home and stare at a blinking cursor and wonder why I was such a worthless failure. I couldn’t write the way these other writers did, no matter what I tried. But I still wanted to write. Needed to, in that yearning, terrible way I suspect you understand. I don’t know why The Internet subconsciously invites us to flay ourselves before total strangers, but it does. So I will. Shit got Dark™️, Shaelin. I gained 50 pounds, started living like a hoarder, stopped hanging out with my friends, stopped leaving the house altogether. I kept the curtains closed so my neighbors wouldn’t see the piles of empty take-out boxes stacked up on the kitchen table. I traded the pleasures and contradictions and beguiling enigmas of women for the 24-hour neon distraction of cheap porno. My cat Maggie, basically the only friend I had during this time, got cancer. I watched her suffer and waste away because I couldn’t bear the thought of putting her to sleep and coming home alone to an empty, filthy house. Eventually she died and I hated myself even more for not being able to save her. I wore the same pair of pants for six months. I’d go to work and sit at my desk all day and do absolutely nothing (I was the accounting manager at a small company, technically my own “boss,” so I got away with this for a shocking, frankly heroic amount of time). Then I simply stopped going to work. And I kept torturing myself with those stupid goals and word counts, never happy with the end result, resigned to feel like a failure every day. I remember watching your “Spill the Tea” video back when it was initially posted. Watching it now is eerie, because you describe exactly what I was going through, what I was feeling. Like, to the “T” (see what I did there? #WordPlay #LitPuns101). I’d never experienced anxiety/depression before, so I didn’t really understand what was happening to me. Not that it mattered, because by that point the damage was done. I couldn’t recognize and isolate the real problem. I’d given up. Even though you said a lot of things in that video I desperately, desperately needed to hear, I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen to you, because you were one of Them™️. Your eyes were bright and your voice sounded friendly and encouraging, but your name wasn’t McCarthy or Pynchon or DeLillo or Nabokov. You were just a kid. What could you possibly know that I didn’t? In January of this year I called a local psychiatric hospital and told them I was planning to kill myself. I never harbored any true intentions of doing that, but I figured they’d offer me a nice three-week vacation in a padded cell. Considering the circumstances, it honestly seemed like a relief. I ended up quitting my job, selling my house, and moving back in with my parents 300 miles away. I started seeing a therapist once a week (still do, for the record). So far I’ve lost 30 pounds of the 50 pound surplus I acquired. I kept watching your videos, even though I was no longer in the market for writing advice (#JustHereForTheSnark). You kept me lol-ing through some bad days and weeks and months. I’d listen to you talk about problems with the writing community and nod my head like an old woman in church (#ShaelinSermons™️ #SheTeachesANDShePreaches), but I still hadn’t made the connection with my own issues. I swore off writing completely, went back to playing music. Cover songs in coffee shops and family restaurants. It was fun for awhile. I genuinely felt happier. But my story was still an old pebble poking around in my shoe...calling out, issuing playground taunts, drawing hairy cartoon dicks on my forehead while I slept. About a month ago I stared down another blank page, my first since experiencing that fun-sized nervous breakdown earlier this year. I closed my eyes and heard your voice in my head. “You can do whatever you want.” I had no goals, no arbitrary quotas to meet. I wrote a few lines, stopped, fixed a couple things I wasn’t satisfied with, and then went on with my day. I thought about what I’d written, sure, but I didn’t worry or spend the whole day stressing out. The next morning I read over what I’d done, and I didn’t hate it. I thought it was actually pretty good, funny and off-kilter and a little/lotta fucked up. So I sat down and wrote some more. Took some things out, re-worded stuff, dressed up the bones in silver and pearls. Addition and subtraction. Before I knew it, I’d finished a whole page. Then another. And then the hair on the back of my neck stood up, because I remembered: This is how it felt at the beginning. Back when I was young and love-struck and writing only to catch those moments of pure levitation, that devilish tickle, that rush of blood propelled by my own wild heart. It’s been a rough road, but I finally found what I’d lost. I figured out how to write again and enjoy it. And ultimately, the best writing advice I received didn’t come from McCarthy or Pynchon or DeLillo or Nabokov. It came from a young woman in another country with a camera and a nose ring and a big tapestry and bigger dreams which run parallel to my own. So thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your busy life and braving the Steaming Pile™️ that is The Internet to offer words of empathy and encouragement to complete strangers. Thank you for the wisdom you share. Thank you for being who you are. Know that tonight the stars shine brighter as a result. They do for me, at least. (Also I’m sincerely sorry about the absurd length of this “Ask” wherein no actual questions were posed and nothing substantial was communicated beyond a simple yet torturously delayed “thank you” kthxbye #longlivethenewtapestry

—Justin)

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xoruffitup · 6 years ago

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Just want to flail over Adam’s parts? People, I AM HERE FOR YOU. Here’s a time-stamped cheat sheet of Adam’s comments and generally precious moments. (Basically Round 2 of my overall flaily recap of this panel right after it happened.)

I start the video and my heart freaks out remembering when he first walked on stage. Get me a paper bag before I pass out... His little ‘Hello!’ and one-handed wave when he walked out I was already deceased.

1:35 - Everyone please just watch this adorable tall man awkwardly sit and fidget and bite his lip and make his oh god public attention face

11:25 - Adam makes no judgments about his character’s morality. He empathizes more with Ben Stiller’s character in the While We’re Young film than with his own, but recognizes that his own feelings about the character are irrelevant; as are his feelings about his own performance.

“It’s not about me feeling it, it’s about an audience feeling it.”

I’m constantly struck by his humility and maturity in always thinking of himself as only a small part in every film project, regardless of how large his role might be. He’s hyper-aware that none of it is about him, and becomes uncomfortable when people try to make it so. Although he explains here that he relates to the “debilitating” pressure to play a role correctly or authentically, and we know that he constantly over-thinks and scrutinizes his own work to the point of not being able to watch himself on film; He also recognizes his personal gratification with his performance comes second to the overall story being told. Internally, he might hold himself to high personal standards, but he never presumes those standards should be projected on anyone else. He finishes this answer with “Who am I to say if they’re right or wrong?” (If audiences respond to a less authentic version of a work.)

I would love to hear him answer this same question about Kylo’s character.

27:50 (One of the moments when I had to physically restrain myself from flailing in my seat because he’s so damn presh) - The moderator tried to “bring back Adam” because he’d hardly spoken so far, and Adam goes “I’m good, I’m good.” Ben Stiller interjected, “Can I just say something about acting with Adam?” and Adam immediately shakes his head and waves his hand in a silent “Please no”, but then very magnanimously tells Ben to go ahead, even while squirming in his seat a tiny bit while Ben talked about him.

29:00 - Adam says Noah’s writing is very “theatrical.” I did find it interesting how he talked here about a whole range of different potential meanings within the same words of a script, depending on how they’re delivered. I also love when he talks about working in theatre, just because I have a soft spot for stage actors.

(Watching this whole video back makes me realize Adam really did quite effortlessly and unconsciously charm the audience (not just me), even speaking so little compared to the other panelists. I remembered clearly when he had his ~showdown with the moderator towards the end the audience was 100% on his side, clapping for him, but generally there are so many audience laughs for the little self-deprecating jokes Adam mixes into all his answers.)

31:10 (Alert alert, fangirl moment) - Perfect capture of how he fiddles with his fingers and listens so attentively.

33:28 - THAT L A U G H

35:08 - My other favorite funny/presh moment! “There’s humor in doing the same things in life and still trying to make them more efficient... Like I still don’t think I’ve ever gotten into a car the right way.” (Confused audience laughter?) Then Adam gets serious with chagrin right away like “...that was a bad example...” (Audience continues laughing with him even though most people probably don’t get it.) He made a last-ditch effort to explain himself by saying “the Tesla” - but didn’t quite get to fully explain that he was referring to the uber-modern Tesla car that was driving him around the island over the weekend. Regardless, everyone found it amusing and I was there like I stan a man who can’t get into a car right WHAT A GEM

36:27 (Alert alert, another fangirl moment) - Everyone please just watch him take a drink of water. Why every single damn thing he did was totally mesmerizing to me I don’t know, but you’ll thank me later.

46:13 - The moderator mentions Paterson screened at the Nantucket Film Festival several years ago. Adorable moment where he goes to start listing all the famous people from Paterson and has to give up with “...and a bunch of other people I can’t remember right now.”

47:10 - Hilarious moment but first strike against the narrator. Ben Stiller had to ask Chris Matthews if Paterson was the first movie he’d seen Adam in because yeah, he’d kind of been neglecting Adam a bit (not that Adam minded, clearly), but Ben went “...he’s also in Star Wars,” and the whole place cracked up.

49:10 - Non-Adam moment, but I was really intrigued with Noah Baumbach’s comment here, talking about developing his dialogue and how “there’s communication, and then there’s talking.”

50:10 - THIS IS IT, FOLKS, THE GOLD MINE OF ADAM CHARM AND SASS. THE LEGENDARY MOMENT IS NEARING. Watch Adam’s life flashing before his eyes in a panic when the question “Who is the most influential person in your life” is suddenly thrown at him. He wasn’t ready for this!! (Although great question, Rea, so glad it was asked!) Then after he says he’ll pass on the question, you can see him basically flying to Mars in his head pondering. Then the cuteness and laughter when he announces he does have an answer!! He was 1000% the whole audience’s darling by this point. Then his answer is basically, “Listen to how insightful my wife is because she’s the best.” Then after boasting about his wife it’s right back to his modest self: “On to the next question and then I’ll finish this monologue...”

LOOK, okay he wasn’t even talking for that long! He’d given what, 3 answers before this during the whole hour-long panel?! The moderator himself blabbed at least twice as much. I was loving this monologue because it was the first time Adam was actually talking for an extended time. But apparently we can’t have nice things becomes here comes Mr. Rude-ass, Clueless Moderator...

(Also, Ben and Noah were 100% engaged with what Adam was saying so literally this was only the moderator’s problem...)

52:32 - The moderator audibly sighs into his microphone in the middle of Adam’s “monologue” and I’m SO glad Adam unpretentiously called him out: “.....Are you bored by my answer?” The whole audience laughed in sympathy with him because it was so weird and rude? Then Adam went on to be even more of a clever QT like: “You were thinking about another question? That’s what I was doing during your answers...” And the man is so straight-faced about it you genuinely can’t even tell if he purposefully meant that well-done, five-course ROAST.

I cringe so hard at this memory I can barely watch it back, but ughhhh queue the moderator interrupting Adam’s attempt to resume his answer, with some bullshit about Jeff Goldblum... What even? Jeff Goldblum was mentioned once in the panel previously, but wtf how does your mind go there when Adam Driver is giving a painfully earnest, precious, and over-thought monologue for you???

52:50 - “...SO STAR WARS.” BOOM. In three words Chris Matthews has been KO’d. omg look at the almost proud look on Noah’s face like yeah you tell him bb and Ben’s cracking up, and the whole audience flips out like DAMN, SAVAGE!!!

(Also for ~context reference, walking out from the auditorium afterwards, I remember overhearing two guys saying to each other “Chris Matthews was like one of those old guys who just blurts whatever’s going through his head.” “Yeah but you’d think when you’re talking to Adam Driver you’d be more respectful and reign it in.” and in my head I was like DAMN RIGHT. Watching this whole thing back, Matthews gets on my nerves basically the whole time. He seems to enjoy hearing himself talk so much that he forgot what a moderator’s actual job is.)

58:40 - Adam’s advice to aspiring filmmakers about the usefulness of going to school, getting a firm foundation in your craft, and having the insulated space to fail and build yourself.

Just so I can ~complete my revisiting of this whole experience~, I’ll add this photo taken by @wherethepastaat aka Rea aka https://twitter.com/cosmicreas in the parking lot outside after the event. I love her for asking the incredible question that gave us a world-class #SassybutClassy Adam moment, and also for snapping this A+ covert photo documenting the referenced Tesla car that caused Adam so much stress about how to get in it correctly. (Joanne’s getting in before him.)

I also owe her my firstborn because she inadvertently GOT ME IN THE PHOTO WITH ADAM!! That shoulder in the pink tank top directly behind him? THAT’S ME. THAT’S ME AND ADAM. IN THE SAME PHOTO. DEEP BREATHING, OKAY. Now I can always prove that I really was that close to him! (He came by even closer when he walked down the sidewalk. No, a month later I still have not gotten over it even .00001% percent.)

Admittedly, there have been brief moments where I berate myself like ‘ugh why didn’t you ask for a photo?!’ but A) I was frozen in awe for the 10 seconds he was in front of me (pretended to be on my phone so I wasn’t overtly staring, lol) and B) You can see in this photo that there were a bunch of people milling around. If I’d asked him to stop, he probably would have gotten stuck taking pics with lots of people. I did the right thing AND got to witness more wholesome Adam moments as he was leaving!

Once again, Rea I owe you a gift basket because I am SO glad I got to witness when you/your brother called ‘Bye!’ to Adam from your car and your dad called “Hi Kylo!” and ADAM RESPONDED, smiled and waved and said ‘Hi Thanks!’ back. IT WAS SO PURE I CRY AT THE MEMORY.

All in all, despite the fact that Adam didn’t actually talk that much on the panel, it was still a 100% Quality Event and I still think about it daily. :’) My Adam crush has morphed into an all-consuming real-life thing that I do my best to control but look, a girl can only do so much in the face of THIS. I AM ONLY HUMAN, ADAM.

#Adam Driver #Nantucket Film Festival #gettin hella fangirly once again #driverdaily

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pokemagines · 7 years ago

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guzma, sycamore, lysandre & colress + mute s/o hcs

ask: Guzma, Sycamore, Lysandre, and Colress with a mute s/o hc?

a/n: I Memed This Ask. also, it got horribly long, so after guzma’s there’s gonna be a read more so it won’t take up so much space on the blog!! signed, mod elesa. ps rip mobile users

guzma

when guzma first met you, he thought you were just a quiet kid. you reminded him eerily of those twins, Sun and Moon.

so, after endless hours of trying to get a word out of you, he starts getting angry. he thinks you’re mocking him by not answering his questions, when in fact, it’s quite the opposite. he’s ready to throw hands when you start signing frantically to him. please don’t hurt me.

thinking you’re throwing up gang signs, he looks at you, confused. it clicks after a moment of your panicked breathing and his brain putting two and two together... “you a mute?” you nod, and it’s like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

since guzma doesn’t know a lick of alolan sign language, he resolves to assigning hand gestures and head nods as a form of communication so he can understand you. at first, you laugh at his outlandish sign for “i’m hungry” when, in fact, it meant “tauros shit”... + “how the hell was i supposed ta know it meant ‘tauros shit’?! i’m no linguist! hey, stop laughing!”

while he was uncomfortable with the idea of silence, he soon realized mute people make noises just like regular people do. they just can’t... conversate. he found that out after you spilled hot tapu cocoa on your favorite shirt, and also after the two of you had-- “hey, keep it pg in there!” hau yells in the distance.

guzma: what the fuck are you trying to say to me [y/n]

you: [signing furiously] U R M O M G A Y

guzma: FUCK YOU GOT ME AGAIN

sycamore

augustine’s first encounter with a mute person was... well, with you. safe to say, his good looks couldn’t really save him the embarrassment he must’ve caused you when he flirted with you at the supermarket and you couldn’t really... say much. of course, he had assumed you were just speechless he was talking to you — but you can’t be speechless if you can’t even speak, can you? + “oh, ma cher, am i bothering you? you haven’t spoken a word to me this entire time.” you’re clenching the cold pack of Krabby to hopefully calm down the blush on your face, but you’re pretty sure that only makes it worse. “do you not talk to strangers? i don’t usually give out my number, but you seem so interesting i don’t think i’ll regret it.” he leaves you be after registering the number in your pokedex, and you immediately text him. + i’m mute. that’s why i didn’t say anything to you. he’s in the checkout line and the look he gives you is one of pure horror and mortification of what he just did.

you make it a goal of yours to tease him about it every time you two go to the supermarket. somehow, his faux-paus ended up with an apology dinner, you offering your guest bedroom to him, him cuddling you as a form of apology and you panicking, red-faced, at the intimate contact.

a part of you doesn’t believe he’s actually a pokemon professor, but when he shows you his lab, you realize... wow. this guy actually has a brain. he’s genuinely intelligent, attractive, and... would you call him funny? i mean, he can’t seem to take jokes at his expense very well, so... perhaps not.

sycamore is more than willing to learn kalosian sign language to communicate with you. you had no knowledge of his understanding of sign language prior, so when he signs a deliberate “how are you doing this morning?”, you assume he knows what he’s doing. + “m-ma cherie, i don’t know what you’re signing! i only learned that this morning to try and impress you!” oh. that definitely makes more sense. you snicker and sign at him, amateur. he has to search it up on Voila to know what it means... you can’t help the fit of giggles when he yells down the hall of the lab, “YOU CALLED ME AN AMATEUR?”

in comparison with everyone else, sycamore is relatively silly and lets his guard down when he’s around you. it’s initially why you thought he was a total bag of rocks, only to find out he’s one of the greatest minds in the kalos region. a part of you feels special that he only shows this side to you — another part wishes he would use that intelligence of his to get a clue that you’re trying to ride his dick into the sunset, but hey.

lysandre

lysandre has so many employees he doesn’t ever get to know them by name. he has an especially hard time remembering you at first because you’re so... plain. one thing that stands out to him is the fact that all you ever do is nod and smile rather than say dumb shit like his other employees.

the obedience is definitely a plus (or at least the appearance of obedience), as he knows he can count on you to get your job done. once you get promoted and you can sit in on executive meetings as a note taker, he always notices your subtle smirks and facial expression changes based off of what people are saying. + you’re more than knowledgeable about what goes on in the lysandre company, so you’ve definitely formed an opinion or two. you shock lysandre one day after sending him an e-mail detailing why he shouldn’t approve funding for a new project until the pokedex has been ‘perfected.’ + when the new pokedex update is released, stocks shoot up and critics praise lysandre for somehow managing to achieve god-like levels of innovation. the next day, he approaches you at the office and nearly pulls you into a hug as he thanks you for the e-mail...

he realizes you can’t speak on the first date when you point silently to what you want on the lavish dinner menu rather than say it aloud, an action that strikes him as odd. “can you speak, [y/n]?” you shake your head, and his eyebrows raise. “mute?” you nod and point to your throat, as if saying vocal chords don’t work. he nods, understanding.

lysandre falls in love with you after a few months of knowing you, intrigued at how you get around without the use of speech. he even goes on a ‘cleanse’ of sorts to communicate exclusively in kalosian sign language so he could talk to you, something that makes you blush profusely. + after all, it’s not every day where you’re sitting on an expensive couch and a gorgeous red-haired man signs at you, want to go to the bedroom?

colress

although a man of many talents, he lacks a prowess for linguistics, despite putting it on his resume and claiming he’s fluent... the lie shows itself when you start working in the alolan lab with him, and you approach him and ask him a question. where exactly do we go to the bathroom if we’re in this cramped space? he stares at you, confused. + don’t you know alolan sign language? he manages to get out something along the lines of an “uhhh” before you sigh, drop your hands and mouth ‘bathroom’ and ‘where’. he seems to understand you at that point and chuckles awkwardly, because... “well, there really is no bathroom around here...”

he confesses to you he doesn’t know a lick of ASL and you snicker, shaking your head as you go back to your work. colress makes you promise to not say anything to anyone, and you just shrug and continue your work.

the first few weeks of knowing each other was nearly impossible to communicate. he would speak to you, asking complex questions and expecting you to somehow be able to communicate just as complex answers. how the hell were you supposed to do that without rudely gesturing for him to look through your microscope and your notes??? defeated, you resolved to handwriting your responses.

a few months of knowing each other and colress can finally communicate in understandable ASL, although he still asks for you to slow down when you sign too fast. it’s odd for the other lab workers, seeing the two of you move your hands and bodies to communicate, but they eventually learn to ignore it.

you’re the only person in the office who makes colress nervous, mostly because his intellect is finally challenged. he’s never been the ‘weaker’ person, so to speak, so when he finds himself stumped on how to communicate with you... he makes an effort to learn how to. + you’ve seen him nervous, you’ve heard him beg, you’ve watched him sweat profusely as he tries to understand your thought process without the aid of spoken word. it really brings people closer together, these panicked and stressful experiences. + it takes a year and a half but when colress finally takes the opportunity to bed you, you end up domming him. a shocker, yes, as colress has never been one to completely submit to a partner, but... the mysterious air you give off during sex is enough to make his hands clammy and his dick harder than diamonds. + “this is the only relationship i’ve had where there’s been a switch dynamic, [y/n]... you do crazy things to me, i must say.” you smile, cheeks rosy, and plant a kiss on his cheek.

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theunderdogwrites · 4 years ago

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Ten "Suggestions" For A New World

I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith. Went to church every Sunday with my family from the time I was four until the age of 19. I was baptized, received my first communion and attended CCD classes (Confraternity of Christian Doctrine). And just for fun and out of curiosity, I've read the bible (New Testament) three times. [I want to quickly share with you the meaning of the word "confraternity": 'a lay brotherhood devoted to some purpose, especially to religious or charitable service'. Already its clear women are not really welcome.]

Once I was free to make my own choices, I stopped going to church. To be honest with you, I couldn't hear myself think over the constant propaganda being served to me by an elderly ornery priest wearing a $2500 robe and asking me to kneel at a $10,000 marble alter while attempting to guilt me into giving the church money to help feed the poor. I've never been the sharpest tool in the shed, but I knew something wasn't quite right with this religion. A friend of mine introduced me to the term "recovering Catholic" and I've adopted it as my own.

Do I believe in God? What... a terribly complicated question. In short, yes. In length, I believe in something I can't put my finger on and it has a name. I know I talk to this Universe character a great deal, maybe that’s it? Anyway, the God I believe in... that something with a name I can't accurately put my finger on - is about kindness and compassion, respect, acceptance, tolerance and love. And I mean, for real. Not just because it sounds good in your mouth.

Have you ever looked up the meaning of TOLERANCE?

‘allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference’

The fact I’ve not yet killed anyone, means I am a highly tolerant being. Ego stroke.

You may have your own opinions and beliefs; in fact, I encourage you to form your own opinions and sift through what you do and don't believe. But let other people find their own way. Be who they are to be and if it's a different path than yours... don't tell them they're going to Hell. All that does is stress Satan right the fuck out.

I was taught to pray from an early age. Kneel down beside the bed at night, make the sign of the cross and talk to God. Ask him to bless the people you love, show compassion for those who wronged you and be thankful for everything you've been given. End with the sign of the cross. Although I no longer kneel at the side of my bed or make the sign of the cross, I do still pray. I've never had an issue with prayer. It's a form of communication and communication is king. Even if you believe no one is listening, it truly does help to just have raw dialogue with yourself.

Have I ever used prayer to help me out of a tough spot? Absolutely.

Have I ever prayed for something and promised something else I knew I most likely wouldn't follow through with? Yes. Have I ever prayed then become angry when things didn't go my way? Definitely.

Have I asked for forgiveness, mercy and wisdom? Yes.

I'm not ashamed of any of those admissions. But I'm not going to print them on a t-shirt and strut around either. I don't feel I am any different than anyone else when it comes to prayer. Evidence of this are the religious contestants on Survivor who ask God for assistance in winning a million dollars so they may do good with all that money.

Currently, for me, prayer is an open-ended conversation that takes place in my soul. There's yelling and screaming. Blame. Crying and swearing. The launching of projectiles and ever so often... peace, laughter, approval and cookies. There's chaos and harmony and somehow, I manage to cultivate enough intelligence to string together a bunch of words to make a half decent sentences from time to time.

This brings me to: The Ten Commandments. Take a quick gander at this so you can get your bearings:

https://www.bibleinfo.com/en/topics/ten-commandments-list

In a nutshell, these are "God's standards" which he wants you to live by.

Going to confession was the worst. Especially as a typical 15-year-old girl. "I am not telling you shit" was pretty much my life's motto so to expect me to open up to an old priest and share my sins and secret thoughts so he may shame me with a mini lecture and an act of contrition, was insanity.

Every time I went to confession, I used the same three "sins":

I disobeyed my Mother and Father

I took the Lord`s name in vain

I lied

I figured this to be believable for a girl my age. If you look at the commandments, I wasn't going to covet my neighbor`s wife or his ox and I certainly wasn't going to get myself another God to worship considering I already couldn't figure out the one I'd been given. And murder? I probably didn't even know what that meant. I mean, until the guidance counselor at my school pointed out to me what suicide was, I had no idea it was even possible to do that to yourself. I wasn't stupid, but rather innocent. And isn't it funny that it took a person of "authority" whose intentions were being governed by a higher power, to bring those kinds of ideas into my brain where they once didn't exist? Something to ponder.

Let's be honest, the Ten Commandments... as they stand right now in current society... a little outdated, right? Technology is rapidly changing how we communicate and behave. And it's time to modernize in order to keep up. I'm not proposing we abolish the original document. I'm not trying to offend anyone or stamp out their beliefs. I know the Ten Commandments is a sacred collection of words that many believe is straight from the mouth of God. Attempting to rip up or shit on something with that much power over so many people... is suicide. (Look Ms. Foster! I learned another way one can harm themselves other than dragging a razor over one's wrists! Your job wasn't meaningless after all!)

I'm merely proposing that someone (ME ME ME) take a stab at writing up a new set of standards which people (YOU YOU YOU) should SERIOUSLY consider following if they wish to achieve a pleasant after life. And the only person you must believe in - yourself.

The first thing I want to do is change the word "commandments" to "suggestions". It's less aggressive and more light-hearted, even though you're still expected to comply. No one wants to be told what to do, not really, and by "commanding" them in a preachy way to curb behavior... well, you're just asking for trouble. Imagine the success rate if Moses had come down from the mountain and said:

“Hey... hi everyone, look, God spoke to me and mentioned something about these ten suggestions He'd like us to seriously consider if we want to get into Heaven. He was pretty adamant that we pay attention and do our best to not ignore this list. I think He spent a lot of time coming up with this stuff... so we really do owe it to Him to try and give this all we got. Ok, thanks everyone... back to not raping women and making false idols out of gold".

I just feel that by changing the wording and therefore tone of this document - you're not alienating the more cantankerous, free-spirited or stubborn people of the world with a menu of demands you expect them to blindly obey.

The second thing I want to do is provide a brief explanation for each "suggestion". There is nothing worse than treating people as though they don't deserve further information when you'd like them to do something that wasn't their idea. Communication is comforting and reflects respect. You can't say: "Because I told you so" or "Just do it" and expect to be well received. All this is going to get you are responses such as: "You're not the boss of me" and "Go fuck yourself".

So, without further ado, I give to you:

The Ten "Suggestions" For A New World

Please do not update your Facebook status message more than once a day: This is a sign of vanity, a deadly sin. And it's really annoying to the point where people secretly want to kill you for repeatedly mugging their news feeds with updates in increments of 32 minutes, on the broad details of your existence. No one actually cares here, on planet Self Absorption.

Please do not kill: This is the only original "commandment" included on this new list because it has stood and always will stand the test of time. There are loads of shitty, stupid, selfish & servile individuals in the world and relieving them of the burden of breathing seems like an all-around great idea, but it's actually a terrible idea. Why? Well, for starters... it's not your place to end a human life. It's just not. Life is special. You - not so much. Plus, it causes debilitating pain for a great many people. When you take someone's life away you create a hole inside the people who love them. This hole can never be filled. It will never get smaller. These people will never heal. They might be able to carry on... eat food again one day, maybe buy a new couch, laugh at a joke - but they will never heal. They will walk around, unhealed and with a hole in their heart till their dying day. Don't make holes in other people.

Please resist from being a complete douche bag: (Traditionally the term 'douche bag' is usually gender specific and applies to men, but for this "suggestion" it also applies to women, because women can be douche bags as well. This does not apply to cats. The lives of cats are based upon douche-baggery, but it's cute and therefore exempt) Being a total jerk is in your bloodline. Eve was a jerk to Adam. Adam was a jerk to God. The snake was a jerk to Eve. God was a jerk to the dinosaurs. And the dinosaurs were jerks to everyone. So... this "suggestion" is going to be a difficult one not to fail at from time to time. The idea here isn't to be perfect, because that isn't unachievable. But rather, genuinely compassionate and generous when you see someone who wouldn't benefit from you running your truck into their fence and then driving off like a douche bag coward. And the state of being a douche bag isn't always limited to actions befitting a little scamp, no it can also be in the way you dress (Underwear above the pants line? Come on!) Or how you tell uninterested parties about your drunken antics and the loss of your favorite pair of really expensive shoes. Or tweeting/texting the person next to you while you're in a group setting. Now you can see why pretty much everyone will be unsuccessful at this "suggestion". We're douche bags.

If you open a bottle of wine - please finish it: This really shouldn't require much explanation. Drinking two-day old wine is the equivalent of sucking on week old doughnuts. Even hobos understand this concept. If you save your wine, you're stealing food out of the mouth of a grape stomping child. Is that what you want? No. Drink your damn wine already.

Please flush the toilet after you poop / wipe the seat off if you urinate on it: No list of "suggestions" would be complete without a mentioning of bathroom etiquette because so many people are unable to recognize and execute proper manners in this area. I reckon 74% of the population does not want to see your excrements. And the other 26% need to seek out some counseling. Immediately. Leaving your shit in the toilet for others to view does not make you regal, it makes you a filthy barnyard animal. And it's not funny or clever. Neither is urine on the seat. And this applies to both men and women. Take ten seconds, grab some toilet paper and WIPE THE SEAT OFF. Your pee is not liquid gold. No one wants to bottle it to sell on eBay or Etsy.

Please do not use social media to draw attention to your drama: This is a tough one, I know. We all suffer from drama and when we feel severely slighted by the Universe, a person or even a business... we just want to share our pain in hopes of others being able to relate to us and provide some words of comfort. And what better way to reach your 472 "friends" than screaming out on Twitter or rapidly posting about your discomfort on Facebook. But the problem is... you're not actually connecting to anyone. Not really. You can't see their expressions. You can't hear the tone in their voice. And you definitely cannot count on their sincerity if they don't contact you privately and not in an open forum for all to witness. And, it's awkward. Once people see your drama, they can't un-see it. Even if you delete it, you don't get to delete it from their minds. And as a sub-section to this "suggestion" - also try to avoid saying stuff on social media that you wouldn't say to a person's face. This is just a fancier version of talking behind someone's back while doing it in front of their face without them actually realizing that it's being done.

Please do not text and drive: If you own a car you probably spend a decent amount of time in that car, driving. Probably so much time that it feels automatic, like blinking. And because it's automatic you will rarely think about what you're actually doing - operating a 4000-pound killing machine. What is more important than taking your eyes off the road to check in on your game of choice? Or answering that text about where you're going on your vacation? Your life. The lives of others. (please see "suggestion" number two) Chances are you're already deeply distracted by your real life, there is no reason to add to that list fumbling around with a cellphone so you can tell someone what you thought about last night's episode of Spring Baking Championship (is that just me?).

Please leave your ego at the door: People love confidence; they hate arrogance. Arrogance is phony. Intimidation and strutting around like an erect penis OR vagina won’t hide the truth - that you’re afraid and maybe a little underwhelming in your own mind. There is nothing wrong with having flaws... accepting those flaws... flaunting those flaws. It builds character. But if you must insist on being an arrogant tool, then you must also accept that you're not only unhealthy to yourself, you're toxic to others.

Please do not give others false hope: If someone has posted an ad on Kijiji or Craigslist - don't express interest and give them a date and time of when you're going to show up to purchase the item if you have no intention of making an appearance. Forget about it being rude and full of atrocious manners; it's downright cruel to let someone believe they've just sold their dining room table when in fact - they haven't. (Yes, I’ve been scarred).

Please remember, you're not always right: Unless you're me. And even then, you’d only be operating at a success rate of about 32%.... so, just be yourself.

#the ten commandments #universe #social media #compassion

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andstillalive · 7 years ago

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reading posts from September and sometimes I feel like now is eh but damn I can’t believe i felt that way and I’m glad it was over quickly

I guess it’s time to write about september. and reading all the posts makes it strange to remember

but let’s go

||would not recommend reading this. if i didn’t live through it i wouldn’t want to||

||No really, do not read this.||

so, quick timeline

sunday- book flight to florida for 6 days later because it was super cheap (like $120)

monday- _______

wednesday- disneyland with friend

saturday night-fly to florida

sunday-day with one of my best friends, chill, sleep

monday- disney with that friend

tuesday- disney with different friend

wednesday- paramore

thursday-back to cali

so the blank

i went to disneyland with this guy from an online dating app.

disneyland seems like a safe choice to me. very public, i know it very well, etc.

didn’t really dig him at first, but as the day went on, sure, cool. felt that physical connection and stuff and things were cool.

the park closed early so we went to dave and busters after

we were done there, but not like totally done with each other

we go back to my place

it ends in rape.

a more thorough replay:

he seems kinda annoying. was verrrryyyy into me, and it was more annoying than flattering. I asked him to stop looking at me in a certain way and making comments like he was. he listened enough.

ignore that red flag, erica, you’re being too picky again.

he was very affectionate and kept wanting to hold hands and hug me and stuff in public. he also kept talking about making out in dark/secluded parts of disney. i told him i wasn’t comfortable with public things for many reasons. There were times when i was clearly uncomfortable and he kept doing what i asked him not to do. but he eventually listened.

ignore that red flag, erica, it’s not that serious. he has a different threshold.

i appreciate an affectionate person, though. in private, i’m very much so that way. maybe that’s why.

anyway

he tells me a story about how his ex did something that bothered him a lot and they broke up or something. i don’t know. but he told me how the scars on his knuckles and hand were from how violent he got toward his walls or couch or whatever things he told me. but he said he’d do that and beat himself up, but that he’d never touch a woman.

ignore that red flag, erica. you know guys like that very well.

he tells me he’s in the cosplay community and that consent is huge there, whether it’s taking pictures, touching someone, whatever. also has friends in the kink community in which consent is huge. stresses how important it is to him. i tell him about the date rape i experienced, more or less, and explain why it’s hard for me to trust.

that’s a good sign, erica.

as the night had gone on, the negative behaviors went down, and i was comfortable with him and felt a connection. i was fine holding hands on like rides and things.

we go to dave and busters. he pays for everything, and i only have to ask him a bit to not be so touchy in public.

we go back to his car and like yeah i’d be willing to do a little more. A Little. and I made this. very clear.

he said he wouldn’t even want to have sex if we went to my place. he said he wanted to earn my trust. he understood and he wanted to wait and earn it.

i say okay and that nothing more would happen and that he couldn’t stay long.

so we get there and almost right away he does more than i want (literally just hand stuff). I say no and give reasons. He says it’s fine. I say no, next time. He does it anyway.

He wants to do more and I say no. Again. and Again. and Again. and again. at least ten times. No, there’s no protection, i’m not on the pill. No. No. No.

He says he can last for a very long time. No. No. No. No. Next time.

He says okay, and he’s going to do something else. Starts doing something else, and then seconds later I feel it

and I freeze

and the word pops into my head

****

is this happening to me?

I stop reacting to him. I stop everything.

He notices and asks if he should stop

I say yes

He does

I can’t stop hearing the word repeating itself in my head

I say to him: “You tricked me”

He says: “I got caught up in the moment”

He tries to cuddle with me and asks if I feel safe around him. Based on issues in his past

I say yes. I’m too afraid of him to set him off.

I pretend to be falling asleep. He realizes he should go.

I walk him out and shut the door.

I fall asleep pretty quickly because I was genuinely tired.

I wake up and keep hearing the word.

I know this isn’t a reflection of myself or anything. I did all that I could.

Backstory on me: I’m terrified of men. Really. I don’t want to get abused or worse. I can never decide if it’s safer for me to go to someone’s place or to bring them to mine. At least in mine I know where knives are and they don’t. But then they know my address, and that scares me.

I don’t want to piss him off. Because I’m afraid. I respond to messages with short responses. I give it a few days and say I’m going to be MIA because there’s a lot going on in my life and I gotta take a step back.

He says he just cares about me and wants to make sure I’m okay. He tries to check in for a few weeks, saying the same.

Bullshit you care about me.

I still don’t think he knows what he did. Even though i told him and he admitted to it.

So, for the days after, I feel surprisingly fine. That next day was kind of hard, but not really. The next day I went to Disneyland with my friend. She was visiting from far away. I also looked at it as a way to re-make new memories. The Little Mermaid ride still gets to me, even though it’s months later. But that day was great.

I tell some friends here.

Everyone asks if I’m okay. And I really felt it. I felt kind of great. I was so happy and excited for Paramore. I justified my good feelings by saying I’ve been through this and know what to do and know it’s not a reflection of me, but of him. I did all I could, and I kept doing my best for my safety.

I go to Florida. I tell my friend there. About 20 minutes later, she makes a rape joke. I laugh. She apologizes. I say no, it’s all good, it was funny. And laughter helps me.

Paramore happens. I was on top of the fucking world. I just re-read my post after, and I was so full of joy and happiness. I said it was my second favorite paramore show only to weenie roast. I meant it. That was 9 days later. 9. And I felt so happy.

I think that show helped me a lot. I think having it to look forward to helped me a lot. The next few weeks were very rough, even though I saw Green Day twice, and had more Paramore, as well as Jimmy Eat World and Colorado to look forward to.

But I think that show, and the excitement I felt for that trip, helped me that first week. Which probably helped my entire recovery. Because it never got horrible in the beginning. And the time after, I felt most upset about other things, mostly school. I’m sure this was in there and may have amplified it.

But I really think that show is a huge part of the reason it never quite got to me. Maybe I’m wrong, and maybe I’m right. But I don’t think my mood would have been so high. I was on cloud nine that entire week leading up to it, and for days after. Of course I kept having thoughts back to the bad night. But not too many. And they didn’t ruin my day, or even moods.

This post was supposed to be more about how much that trip helped me. How much that Paramore show helped me. But I guess it’s harder to put into words how elevated my mood was before, during, and after the show. And how much I think that trip led to such calmness and sanity, even excitement, during this time.

I booked that trip the day before this happened. I don’t believe in fate or anything, but somehow that trip needed to happen, and everything fell into place for me. I’m so grateful that I have live music and friends I’ve met through music.

I really am.

But it’s also time for a change. I don’t want this to be my life anymore.

I’m going to focus on fitness. And living real life. In real time. More nature, more books. More of what I really want.

Less computer, much less internet.

I don’t want to be known as the concert person.

But I’m so grateful for all of it. All that it has ever done for me and will continue to do for me.

Because I’ll never leave this lifestyle. I just want to shift my focus.

#personal #lol very personal #prmr #thx prmr

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empoweredstruggles · 4 years ago

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12.20.2020

My first boyfriend was my best friend in the entire world and I loved and adored him with my whole heart, but once we started dating he completely changed. He told me what I could wear and who I could talk to. We fought constantly. He never hit me, but I felt like it would have only been equally as hurtful if he had. I lost over 10 pounds while we were together and I could barely eat because I was stressed all the time, but I still loved him through it all. He finally dumped me for another girl he met at camp when we were 16 and after all that abuse, I struggled to get back on my feet. I’ll never forget a couple months after the breakup when my brother, who was probably around 13 at the time, said, “you seem so much happier” and it broke my heart.

Around a year and a half later, I met my second boyfriend. He was a couple years older than me and was graduated while I was a senior. I randomly texted him and told him happy birthday that year because I thought he was cute, and that is what started it all. He was laid back and funny, but sometimes his jokes were mean. Our relationship was never bad, but it was never passionate or deep. He didn't have much of a tolerance for my emotional sides though or how quickly I could get angry at things, but he held onto my feelings for way longer than I did. When I went to college, I came home every weekend to see him because he didn't like coming to the city I moved to. After a semester of this, things were starting to trend downward. The week before spring break of my freshman year of college, we were barely speaking and when I came home for the break we met up to break things off. We didn't see a future together and weren't happy anymore, so it was best to just call it quits then. I feel like I took this breakup a lot better, but it set me in motion toward a very bad time in my life.

I spent over three years after this hooking up with men in my life casually. They were mostly friends that I knew pretty well and almost all of them were semi-long term. Nothing serious, we just hooked up frequently. My “hoe phase” started in an unhealthy way - trying to cope with being hurt - but after some healing I found that I simply liked hooking up with these guys without having strings or attachment or commitment. It worked for me. I never laid awake at night wondering why these men didn't love me. I didn't yearn for them to text me and ask me how I was doing. I just enjoyed having sex with them. It was fun and exciting and, in a lot of ways, empowering.

I met my most recent boyfriend through my roommate, they were good friends from high school. We had all been going to the bars together for months before he drunkenly asked me out to dinner one night. I told him that I wasn't interested in a casual thing because I already had that in my life, so we took a more serious approach to it. My roommate hated us for pursuing each other and was very open about her dislike for the whole thing which led to a lot of tension in our apartment. At the time I felt like I needed to pull away from him and abandon the whole thing, but he persisted. One night when she was out of town, I met up with him downtown and we went back to my place, talked for most of the night, and then had sex until he needed to leave for work in the morning. After this we started going on dates and getting to know each other. Things were good then. My roommate was coming to terms with it and he and I were the life of the party. We had so much fun and there was so much love, but then COVID hit. Our good times stopped completely and at that point we were working, going to school, and hanging out at home together. I’m not sure exactly when things started to fall apart. We quit trying. We argued more than we ever had before. I could feel that I wasn't satisfied and I wanted to work on things, but he didn't. He told me he was so busy with work and school that he didn't have time to dedicate to working on our relationship, so he wanted to take a break.

That brings us to now. I’m not sure why every relationship I’ve had has taken turns for the worst. I’m also not sure why I have seemed to be at my best when I had friends with benefits. I recognize that I am the common denominator here, but I don’t know if it has just been the type of men I pursue or if I have some fundamental flaw that’s keeping me from having healthy relationships. In all honesty, it’s probably a little bit of both. I am deeply in tune with my emotions and I think being able to communicate my thoughts and feelings is extremely important, and this is not something that any of my boyfriends ever reciprocated. I have always been attracted to the asshole alpha-male type because of the dynamic I have with them, especially in the beginning. I find the power struggle intoxicating and I love the thrill of it. However, being the multifaceted person I am, this is not the only thing I want from them, but it seems like it was the only thing they really had to offer. I have had emotional depth with men like this, but nothing that is genuinely sustainable. Sometimes I feel that my expectations are too high and that I am destined to be unsatisfied and disappointed with my partner. Also having a hefty amount of baggage and trauma does not help my case.

This is why I need to take advantage of this time in therapy to dig into my past and the experiences that have shaped the person I am today. Maybe my anxious attachment style or insecurity is the root of my relationship issues and my partners have actually been the healthy ones, I genuinely don’t know at this point. I am just trying to be thankful for the journey and my resilience in the hardships I’ve faced and use that to help me get to where I want to be. I want to get back to loving myself on my own and being happy without needing someone to share that with.

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pelikinesis · 7 years ago

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i’m having a really good time with the rpg campaign i’m running. my players are like, endearingly stupid. and i say this because i tend to make the exact same oversights that they make when i’m a player, so i feel a very unexpected sense of camaraderie considering that i’m on the other side of the table. it’s difficult to describe how different i am as a player vs. as a game master, but there’s a pretty big discrepancy, a peculiar tunnel-vision and something like self-absorption that comes from being a direct agent rather than an omnipotent referee.

as a player, i get caught up in hare-brained schemes concocted usually on a different continent than asking of the question of Why do this? so watching my friends do the same thing and just sitting back and having NPCs respond to their plans with either deadpan snarkiness or, more amusing to me, genuine but polite bafflement, is not only damn good fun, but way easier to run than combat. It’s relaxing to me and stressful to the players at the same time, all while languidly wondering where they’re trying to go with this while they’re desperately wondering the exact same thing.

“Yes we could have your psychic child sidekick summon a Bloodcloud over the Fort you’re trying to infiltrate, and it will no doubt cast a, *ahem*, cloud of suspicion over the rulership of these lands. And no doubt people from the surrounding villages will then more readily rally to our banner to overthrow the Count once his mad occultist son’s experiments have been brought to light. And perhaps the Bloodcloud will also provide a portal for daemons to enter into the material plane and wreak havoc on the fort. But I’m not quite sure how this fits into what you said earlier when you agreed to a truce with the Count due to the Ork army advancing on these lands as a whole. Am I missing something here?’

i mean, deadpan snark comes way more naturally to me, and that’s probably one of the reasons i find it less funny. but i still throw it in here and there mostly to contrast the polite bafflement.

i also realized during this last session that i initially planned on doing something that could probably be described as railroading, which i think is a very loaded and imprecise term generally speaking, and evaluating whether or not it’s a good idea (as opposed to just assuming it’s bad as soon as it’s labelled as railroading) is contingent upon, amongst other things, the question of Why? To what end, from what motivational source is the GM deciding to directly drive the plot? How long is the drive? Where is the destination? What fuels this trip?

And what i slowly realized was that the reason i’d planned on railroading this past session was because I assumed my players hadn’t come up with a plan, and i wanted to accelerate the plot so it could get ‘to the good part’ which in this case meant a dramatic meeting i ultimately didn’t have faith my PCs would be able to make happen on their own.

and there’s some degree of reason to that. i’ve played with people who take meticulous notes. i’ve played with people who regularly, in-character, try to get everyone to pause and take stock of their situation, of recent developments, of their plans, and so on. neither of the players in my current campaign do those things. and so we have golden moments like those i’ve described previously.

but what it means is that the plot gets filled with...filler. characters going through a lot of trouble, danger, and hurt, and then realizing it was completely unnecessary, or for trivial reasons. conversations that only end with people realizing they have no idea what’s going on. and the part of me that is predisposed to seeing my RPG as a story i am writing thinks no! this is bad! nothing is happening so it must be boring!

and a lot of that is fueled by a lack of faith in my players. but the fact of the matter is, even when i think about this on a selfish level, i definitely enjoy running these Adult Swim-esque sessions where nothing remotely clever or heroic takes place. if my players want a more driven narrative, then they realize it’s up to them to make that happen. if they become more detail-oriented, more confident in who their characters are, then the pace of the game will change accordingly.

but as long as they’re bumbling around, that’s its own kind of fun. and there are certainly consequences, and i usually find the time to explain why things turn out suboptimally. if you only choose destructive, area-of-effect spells for your spellcaster, you end up resorting to violence and causing collateral damage, and now an entire town hates you because you’ve done this more than once. if you’re relationally obtuse in part because your character isn’t socially skilled, NPCs have no incentive to leave open lines of communication, closing off opportunities you would’ve otherwise had to achieve your goals. i learned that one from real life.

but i noticed, in the latter half of this past session, that while i was correct about my players not having concocted any prior plans for their self-imposed sidequest, they were actively engaged in attempting to create a plan in the moment that would make the sidequest payoff. i mean, it was tangent after tangent as they continually forgot about truces, armies, and so on, but it was fun. telling them their ideas are stupid from the position of a GM is mean-spirited, self-indulgent, and pointless. implying that their ideas are stupid from the position of a bewildered but cooperative merchant is hilarious, because they come to that conclusion themselves.

so i don’t really know how things are going to go next session, but that’s part of the fun of this hobby. it’s not terribly difficult to shuffle around my plans and let the narrative flow around until it reaches a plausible shape. and this time, my players recognized they didn’t really have a good plan. but they had some sort of plan. and a lack of exhaustive preparation now doesn’t mean they’ll put in genuine improvisational effort in the moment next week. so this campaign is going to play out like a Star Wars/Indiana Jones party making their way through a Game of Thrones setting (in terms of attributes as well as thematically).

and that’s okay. the PCs are powerful and versatile enough that it’s possible everything will work out in some wacky and wonderful way. it’s also entirely possible their venture will fail horribly. but by this point we definitely have an understanding between my GMing style (permissive to the point of indulgence in regards what they can *try* to do, but not super merciful in buffering them from the consequences of their decisions), and their playstyle (vore jokes and ritual scarification. usually not at the same time.)

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