#I am dispensable to everyone. to everyone on here and to everyone irl. why I’ll never truly understand. maybe because the things I talk

[kavehater]

People for some reason always like to tell me that it’s nobody’s responsibility to “save me” which is so fucking stupid to tell me because where have I ever implied that ?! It’s so unfair to hear that because clearly you don’t know shit abt me if you say that. But why am I the only one who gets to hear that ?! Maybe for once I’d like to be saved maybe it’s not a sin to want that, and I think that it is peoples responsibilities to do better but no. The reason it doesn’t happen is because I’m simply not worth it.

[fangroyal]

Fic Rec Tag Meme

@sitp-recs, I’m terribly late, but this looked way too fun, so I had to join in. Fair warning, y’all, not everything here is Drarry, or even HP (I am a prolific rarepair shipper/multi-fandomer, and Dron is my OTP 😂), so I’ve added the fandoms and pairings below as well. All of these (and many more!) can also be found on my ficshelf! It was so hard to pick these as it was, I couldn’t help but point you in the right direction for all the ones I (sadly, unfortunately) had to cut from the list, lol.

Anyway, thank you so much for running this tag meme, @sitp-recs! It’s been amazing seeing everyone’s recs and discovering new fics! 🖤

• A fic you love without knowing the source material: He Was a Punk, Pete Did Tabletop Roleplay by @mscaptainwinchester Marvel | Peter/Wade | NC-17 | 7.5k

• A fic with a premise that shouldn’t work but it does: Anthony J. Crowley, Retired Demon and Airbnb Superhost by @theoldaquarian Good Omens | Hints of Aziraphale/Crowley | G | 3k All fics are valid and work!! That being said, I had no idea just how much I was going to fall in love with a fic about Crowley being an AirBnB host when I first opened it. 😂

• A fic you’ve reread several times: Department of Magical Creatures Case 62637 by @mscaptainwinchester (under RonsPigwidgeon at the time) HP | Draco/various, Ron/OMC, Ron/Draco | R | 121k How could I expected to only pick ONE?! 😂 I’ve reread everything you’re seeing here - I’ve reread nearly every fic I’ve ever recced at least once. But I couldn’t make a favorites list without this fic, so might as well put it here, haha!

• A fic you still remember many years later: Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble by Sushi HP | Severus/Severus | NC-17 | 8.9k I remembered it so well (and fondly) that after 12+ years, I went scouring the Wayback Machine to find it. And yes, the pairing is correct. Don’t look at me. If you’re still interested in reading after knowing that, hit me up, ‘cause it takes a bit of instruction to find it now.

• A comfort fic: You and I by @shiftylinguini HP | Scorpius/Albus S. | NC-17 | 32k

• A cathartic fic: The Conformity Conspiracy by shrink South Park | Michael/Pete (or Ethan/Dylan, as this was written before they had names in canon) | R | 71k I really struggled with this entry. I came to the realization that...I don’t know if I’ve ever actually felt catharsis from a piece of media before??? Well, I have with music, for sure, but not really with anything else. Anyway, I chose this fic for this slot because every time I read it, I’m transported back to being a goth teen. I can feel every word, every action, like I’m going through those years again with them...Which isn’t necessarily what cathartic means, but fuck it, it works for me, haha. ***As always whenever I rec this fic, I do just have to warn that it’s not properly tagged on AO3, and there is definitely some potentially triggering content in it. If you’re interested in reading and would like to know more (so you can be better prepared), feel free to DM me!***

• A fic you’d print and put on your bookshelf: In Flight, Two Boys by lobst_r HP | Marcus/Oliver | NC-17 | 29K Again, how I could possibly pick only one for this one?! I would print out ALL of these fics if I could, and many more! But this is such a beautiful fic, it definitely deserves a spot on the list, and what better spot for it than this? There’s actually a sequel currently posting as well! I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet, but I’m sure it’s just as amazing, if not more so.

• A fic you associate with a song: You Do Your Body Work, I Feel My Pulse Working Overtime by @veelawings HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 1.6k I mean, it’s in the title. 😜 But also this is just a truly inspiring fic that I absolutely had to include! (I realized I somehow haven’t queued a rec post for it yet, and I will make sure to fix that soon!)

• A fic that inspires you: dirtynumbangelboy by @magpiefngrl HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 39k

• A fic that brought you onboard a new ship: Lumos by birdsofshore HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 41k Some people may be surprised to know that Drarry was, uh.......once my NOTP. Yes, really. 😂 You wouldn’t suspect that nowadays, would you??? LOL. It’s all because of this wonderful, beautiful fic. I saw it getting recced everywhere at the time and said fuck it, I’ll give the pairing another try - and I never looked back!

• A fic you wish could be a movie: Midnight in the City of a Hundred Spires by @shiftylinguini HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 25k

• A fic that led to you making friends with the author: A Weasel in the Hamptons by @peachpety HP | Ron/Draco | NC-17 | 15k I don’t quite know if this counts, because I believe we’d already been speaking before this??? 😂 But of course, being that I’m the mod for Ron/Draco Fest, I knew who was writing for this prompt of mine, and thus we dispensed with the formalities in private, haha! It was a great experience, and I was so overjoyed to see the results in the end. So happy to have met you, love! 😘 Hope you’re well!

• Free Space: The Pizzaria: A Sordid Tale of Destiny, Evil and Garlic by Mad_Maudlin HP | Ron/Draco | PG-13 | 36k A Dron/crack!fic staple, honestly, and I just couldn’t make a favorites list without it!

• A fic you’ve gushed about irl: Runway by @candawrites HP | Ron/Draco | R | 15k

• A fic you associate with a place: Archipelago by Mad_Maudlin HP | Ron/Draco | NC-17 | 18k I just have a very distinct visual memory of reading this fic for the first time: sitting on the couch in my mom’s living room, the sun setting outside. (I was visiting for her bday, I believe???)  I think of that moment every time I see the title.

• A fic that made you gasp out loud: clutched your life and wished it kept by @glitteringvoids HP | Ron/Draco | R | 110K

• A fic you found at the right time: Howlr by @partialtopotter HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 47k I got really sick in summer 2018. I know I’ve talked about it on here a million times at this point, so I won’t dwell. But I ended up finding and reading this fic the following March, and it reawakened my love of fic and fandom that had been lost over the previous months while I was dealing with everything. I hadn’t been reading or writing at all in all that time, and I ended up reading this whole thing in one sitting. I couldn’t put it down! It just made me feel so good, after a long time of not feeling anywhere near good.

• A fic that you would read fic of: In the Garden After Dark by @the-starryknight HP | Draco/Harry | R | 3.5k I just need more of this universe and Draco’s Illusion magic. 😍

• A fic that made you laugh out loud: Why Parvati Patil Must Die by hull1984 HP | Ron/Draco | PG-13 | 39k

• A fic with a line (or two) that you’ve memorized by heart: Hail to the King by Mad_Maudlin HP | Ron/Zacharias, Ron/Zacharias/Draco | NC-17 | 5k

• A fic that gave you butterflies: The Electric Fizzing Prick Pistols, or Whatever by whitmans_kiss HP | Sirius/Remus | PG-13 | 3.8k

• A fic that embodies something that you value in life: Luna Lovegood: Wank Coach for the Long-Since Deceased by yrfrndfrnkly HP | gen | PG-13 | 9.8k This was another difficult category to choose for. Not that I don’t think any fics I’ve read display good values! Of course they do! But I have this weird issue where I don’t, like...project? at all??? So sometimes it’s hard for me to recognize these things in what I read. But eventually I realized it had to be this fic, because I just love the carefree way Luna lives her life here, her job helping people (well, ghosts who could use some sexual release, specifically, but you know), and the wonderful friends she surrounds herself with.

• A favorite AU: Quibbler Unsolved by Leontina HP | Draco/Harry | PG-13 | 17k More of a fusion than an AU, but it’s just fantastic!

• A fic you stayed up too late to finish reading: Grounds for Divorce by @tepre HP | Draco/Harry | NC-17 | 122k

• A fic that made you feel seen: Taste the Rainbow by @maraudersaffair HP | Ginny/Pansy | PG-13 | 639

[fatehbaz]

re: unstable access to kitchens/food supplies - is there anything we can do to help?

Thank you for the concern and for checking on me. Just interacting with friends means a lot. Having people that care makes a really big difference to me, even when “my material conditions” don’t change. So not to be all sentimental, but I appreciate you reaching out and, really, I am trying to more actively communicate with and reach out to people (including my friends here).

And, sorry in advance for the needless length of this text, I don’t want to make this a chore to read. I usually try not to draw attention to myself and I avoid discussing my IRL economic crises. (I know the way that I write/”talk” can be a little grating, and it’s especially annoying when I’m talking about myself.) But now that we are all experiencing such an unusually dire catastrophe which could exponentially worsen as time goes on, I guess I’m more willing to talk about these things. I know you asked what kind of support I could use right now, and I really do appreciate being seen and thought of, so I don’t mean to be disrespectful to you by deflecting or side-stepping your question. But I just wanted to clarify why I’m willing to talk openly about myself.

Part of the reason I’m willing to discuss my own experiences right now is because of the concern I have, just in general but also especially now during this pandemic, for other people with no health insurance, unstable access to food, and unstable housing.

Like, if I take off the shitty chipped black nail polish, I can be “vaguely yuppie-passing,” right? I don’t “look” homeless, so I can get away with hanging out in public without getting accosted. But as lockdowns are being legally enforced, I’m watching how other homeless and, now, jobless people are being judged and treated in my area, and I am heartbroken. This is the US, so I’m not surprised, y’know, but I am still disturbed by the complete lack of coverage or popular discourse about how to help homeless people, those incarcerated, or the vast amount of already-struggling people in their 20s who’ve just lost their jobs and face imminent eviction. Regarding kitchens and food access specifically: If you don’t have access to a kitchen, it can be difficult to feed yourself even with access to a food bank or a grocery store gift card or something, because most of that food (cheeses, meats, some vegetables, starches, major carb sources) requires cooking or refrigeration. You can’t do something as straightforward as boiling water or making pasta, rice, or sauteed vegetables. Leftovers are also out of the question without a refrigerator. So you’re forced to spend way more on eating at restaurants. Kitchen access is so important.

So as someone in the US with type 1 diabetes, heart issues, no health insurance, and no home right now, who lost my job due to the lockdowns, I’ve been talking with food banks, clinics, a friend who works in the emergency room, now-unemployed service industry workers, poor university students, and other homeless people in my area. And from this vantage point, things look really bad. There are preposterous obstacles to doing something as “simple” as finding food, when “being outside” is functionally criminalized. Since the virus reached my area, I’ve watched over 100 people at the local shelter sleep on a concrete floor, stained by mud-tracked boots and literal shit. No protective masks; no soap in the soap dispensers to wash your hands with; sharing three shower stalls and one drinking-water fountain. These conditions were always unacceptable. But now? There’s no concern from the wider community. No discussion at all. Before the pandemic, I (like, I imagine, a lot us) was already just … so tired of watching people get hurt, and then essentially left to die the “slow death” of being abandoned to insufficient food, untreated illness, crowded inhumane facilities, and careless institutions. Every consecutive day that I see people in those conditions, I am heartbroken again. It’s not a distant event, it’s not a thought experiment, it’s happening right there, every day.

Anyway, I have always had difficulty asking for or receiving help, even when going through my own personal catastrophes. And now I feel even more hesitant to ask for help, now that everyone needs serious support. I had never before seriously considered making a donation post for myself, and I can’t do so right now anyway. (I can’t receive electronic funds since my bank account is empty and I owe overdraft fees before using it, and I also need to pay a driver’s license renewal fee due to states in the US now mandating adoption of their strange new “dystopian passport/license combination ID card” protocols. It feels so shallow to say, but it’s a matter of money, and I don’t like saying that out loud.) I’ve been through this kind of destitution before, but obviously not during the mass closures and mortal threats of a pandemic. So am I at the point of literally begging for help? Pretty much, yes. And it’s truly scary how many of us are at that point. (Once I get my bank account reopened and can arrange direct deposit, I’ll be trying to get one of the “essential services” jobs that are now available in my area. Purchasing adequate food is really all I want to account for; as long as I’m fed, I do OK. That, and enough insulin. I might soon, begrudgingly, make a donation post, and I’ll post a list of the fees the clinic/state wants from me, but I’ll feel selfish while doing it, y’know?)

–

So I meant it when I said that it’s just nice to socialize, to chat, to just be present for each other. In my past experience, I guess, just knowing that friends are out there, and that they’re acknowledging what you’re going through, that they see you, alleviates some of the despair. I know it sounds dumb and corny. For me, at least. Material poverty and the struggles of chronic illness are, for me, significantly easier to confront when I feel like someone’s rooting for me, when relationships exist. So I genuinely appreciate that you asked me this! Thank you.

[lafillederenard]

all the questions!

Thank you, Kate! I’ve been going through these slowly for a while now. Here are the first 50 questions to the ask post found here: x

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

I pour more milk than is needed and feel wasteful when there’s milk leftover in the bowl. Sometimes I drink the milk and feel better. Usually I don’t even eat cereal though? I’m a wakey wakey eggs and bakey gal.

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

Love that crisp cold winter air! Sure would like to feel it sometime soon! Right now at school, it’s almost like I can feel the weather slowly shifting to cold winter air weather.

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

I often just use scraps of paper that are handy. I’ll use a pen or pencil if I’m switching between reading and writing. And I’ve used my phone a couple of times.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

I like really sweet and flavored drinks when going out for either. For coffee from scratch, I like to add a lot of creamer, preferably flavored.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

I used to be more so before. Now, not so much, but it has become a habit for me to smile with a closed mouth for pictures.

6: do you keep plants?

I try to, but it never seems to end well. 2 of my 4 succulents I had in my dorm room were stolen recently when I left them out. The other two I’ve been ignoring. I’m much better at taking care of my virtual plants on the app Viridi.

7: do you name your plants?

I’ve named a couple of my real plants, but I don’t really care to for the most part. Most of my plants in Viridi have a stupid meme name.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Music and writing. I haven’t been journaling as often as I used to, but I still consider it a big way I like to process my emotions: by writing down as much as I can.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Yeah. I get self-conscious though, sometimes even when no one is around to hear.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

I like to sleep on my stomach, and can pretty much only fall asleep that way. But I sometimes switch to my side during the night.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

I don’t know if I can think of anything specifically that actually really applies so I’m just gonna pick some stuff…. High school friends will probably laugh if I mention how we all agree I have pretty good aim with my vomit….and college friends, well they call me the Cheese-It Harpy. Friends, let me know if you’re reading this and you think of something else.

12: what’s your favorite planet?

I don’t have a favorite planet. I’m very appreciative of space and I know basic astrology with the planets, but somehow I just don’t have a fave.

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

I did my friend’s hair up pretty and she liked it and another friend liked it.

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

It’s gonna have vines on the walls outside and there’s a courtyard maybe and the apartment will have yellow painted walls and the window will look out over the street and we’ll put up lots of string lights and small plants. I really want to make those tiny tiny gardens with the little benches in them and stuff. And the kitchen sink will usually have dishes in it bc I’m/we’re not people who wash our dishes right away. There will be original and purchased art on the walls.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

So apparently CalTech astronomers think there might be a big planet way out past Pluto, technically in our solar system.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

UM I love all pasta but I will pick lasagna as my favorite almost all the time. I really love a baked ziti covered in mozzarella tho

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

So I don’t really want to dye my hair, but if I did, legit I would want it to be opalescent (silvery-white with pastel colors). Opals are my birthstone, and you bet that my hair would look like that if I was a Crystal Gem. But I don’t really think I’d be able to pull that off irl.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

So yeah, so my CV squad is always gonna remember me throwing up into the cup holder of the RENTAL car. My college friends…there’s probably so many but I’m blanking and can only think of when I spilled the cappuccino….or when I was tired and they put plastic lizards on my head and I got emotional bc I felt loved LOL. Idk help me out here guys Idk why I’m forgetting. I need to write down more of the things I do.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

I keep a writing journal at all times, and it’s basically a regular journal/diary where I write what happened, how I’m feeling.I also have a gratitude journal. I try to write in there as often as I can about things I am grateful for on that particular day, like compliments I may have received, or nice things that happened.

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

Brown. Almost everyone I’ve ever crushed on has had brown eyes. Brown eyes are beautiful!

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

Favorite bag??? I don’t use bags, lol. I got my backpack. I’m not terribly attached to it.

22: are you a morning person?

Nope! My sleep schedule may be really messed up, but either way, I love being up and doing things at night. I really like to take my time waking up in the morning; I’m pretty slow about it.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

The thing I usually end up doing is bumming around the computer, tumblr and all. My favorite thing, though, would probably be to watch a really good movie or two, or to gather a pile of books and read through them all, like I used to do when I was little. I also really like to sleeeeeeep

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Not really. There are some things that I just don’t talk about with anyone.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

I’ve broken into very few places. One of them is the toilet paper dispenser in the slightly scary bathroom downstairs in the campus center.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

This is basically all my shoes, as I kinda just find one pair of shoes I really like, and wear them every day until they get destroyed. I really liked my San Antonio Shoes that I wore to band. Several people complimented me on them. They seemed to fit really great. They were some good shoes. If I ever have the money, I might buy another pair sometime. The pair I had were bought ridiculously under-priced at a thrift store.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

I really like fruity gum. Fruit Stripe is my favorite chewing gum, but my favorite legit bubble-blowing bubblegum is the cotton candy bubblicious. It’s blue and super sugary and I have distinct memories of times when I chewed it, or wanted to be chewing it but was chewing something else, lol

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunset is my favorite time. Since I do a lot at night, it’s not really a sad symbol of my day ending, but the night beginning. Whereas if I am seeing the sunrise, that probably means I’ve stayed up all night, which probably was questionably smart to do….

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

I have a friend who kisses my hand to show affection, and I think it’s really cute and nice.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

I’ve never had any bone-chilling moments — no ghosts, home intruders, etc. But I have been genuinely scared of whether or not me and my family would be okay.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I don’t really like the look of fuzzy socks, but I like how it feels to go to sleep in them. I prefer not to wear socks to bed, but my feet get cold often and I can’t fall asleep if my feet are cold. I’ve got a growing collection of socks with foxes on them, but I kinda prefer to wear plain socks. I feel like it’s immature to wear colorful socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

I can’t recall anything exciting happening. We’ve gone out for food. Had a microwave macaroni party…

33: what’s your fave pastry?

Ooh. I can’t think of anything specific. I like stuff with cherries, or maybe like a cheese danish. I’m not picky!

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

When I was really little I had Silly Bear. He was purple or something, and wore a jester’s hat, I think. I used him to make my brother laugh for the first time. Then I had Maple the bunny. She was the most beautiful bunny, until we put her in the wash and then the dryer. Now, I have my fox. It doesn’t have a name, it’s just my fox. I’m sorry to say that my fox went in the dryer, too. My mom told me it would be okay, and it wasn’t. It’s fur is all messed up, but it’s still cute and I love it. Makes me wish I had kept Maple the bunny. And yeah, I sleep with my fox most nights.

35: do you like stationery and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

Ughhhh yeah my favorite is designer notebooks that are all pretty. Blank paper is enticing to me. I used to really like pencils that were colorful or had designs on them, too, but I’ve actually made the switch to pens now. I never thought I would switch to pens because I make so many mistakes, or I used to. I prefer my pens to be comfy and write nicely, rather than to look good. Pencils that write nice and dark are very important to me. But yeah I love stationery, and I always have to visit the stationery aisle whenever I go to the drugstore.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

So lately, I think my mood has been sort of like Norah Jones or Corinne Bailey Rae. Kinda soft and sad, but nice. At least, that’s how I want my mood to be. Less the sad part though, just kinda soft and nice. Tryin not to stress out over finals.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

Definitely messy, but an organized messy. I want to know where everything is, and I want to be able to function and move around in the room, but I love having little figurines and papers all over my desk and stuff.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

Well, as an English major, I have many grammar pet peeves. I hate it when people put recyclables in the trash. I dunno what else…

39: what color do you wear the most?

I wear a lot of blue because it looks good on me. Matches my eyes. I am gaining an increasing number of maroon-/burgundy-colored clothes. I don’t like to wear gray clothes.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

I don’t wear jewelry. Let me tell you about my Two Cats On a Couch instead. They’re made of painted wood; two cats, one striped, and one in some kind of clothing. They are on a red couch with white dots and yellow flowers. The cat in the clothes is me, and the other cat is someone to talk to. My mom found the cats at a thrift store and said she got them for me because she wanted me to always have someone to talk to. They were the last gift I ever received from her, as she gave them to me shortly before she passed away.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

One of the last books I remember liking a lot is The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart. I read it about four years ago, and it was meant for a younger age group than mine even back then, but I remember it really resonating with me. It also totally hyped me up for a good test experience when I was about to take the SAT, because I read about the kids taking the test in the book right before I went to take the SAT, and it made me excited to rock a test.

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

I wish I had a favorite shop, but I don’t get out much and I usually take things to go places. There are several coffee shops in the area, but the independent ones are kinda new and kinda less comfy, and more minimalist, at least from what I’ve noticed. I can tell you about Norm’s, though, because I could definitely say that it’s a favorite spot of mine. My larp club at college, AOKP, goes to Norm’s every other Thursday or so. We have this big table in the corner that we usually sit at. I steal crayons from the basket on the front counter. My friend once left a big pile of sand in the bathroom because she didn’t clean herself off before we left the beach. I’d say that Norm’s has become a special place for me.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

Alice, this one is you! The last time I really watched the stars, alone or not, was when we went to the beach to watch the sunrise. That was a good time.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

Thanksgiving break was emotionally rough for me, but there was one afternoon when everything seemed really pretty, and the sun was real good, and all the plants were good, almost like they were giving off a vibe, and I just sat outside for maybe an hour and wrote in my journal, and started to feel really calm and good. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about, I’d have to check in my journal. That time just felt really good, from what I remember.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

I would say that I do try to intuit a lot of things, but I maybe have a hard time trusting myself or what I’m feeling. I’m trying to learn to recognize when I’m ignoring a feeling that is telling me to do or not to do something.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

I like this joke, cuz English: A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

I don’t think people should be eating balut (duck embryos), and I’m pretty sure the smell alone of coconut shrimp has the power to make me throw up in an instant.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

I think it is the same. I just kinda always am afraid of, instead of a comfy life, being alone and not having money or food and not being okay. Especially the alone part.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

I really don’t buy or even use CDs anymore, since I was little. We didn’t have internet in the house when I was a kid, so all the music we listened to, we played on a boombox. It could do CDs and tapes. My mom had a small collection, and we rented a bunch of stuff from the public library. The sound on the boombox got messed up eventually, and by that time I had access to the internet, so now it’s streaming and Youtube.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

I have a collection from, like, late elementary and middle school, of pencils that I used until they got really heckin small. I’m talking, you can barely write with the dang thing. One of these pencils is a colored pencil that is one of the best shades of my favorite color (neon orange) that I’ve ever seen.

[psychedelictrashpanda]

what’s your copy pasta policy here

just gonna leave one of my early morning depression acid-fueled rantings so maybe I can read back on it with a clear head and be like “damn depression a bitch all this aint that big a deal.” this wassss jan 17th?

-----------

we’re fundamentaly at odds

he has to grow the companyt o meet his grandiose lifestyle he doesn’t even enjoy

I just want a damn single shop for a minimal lifestyle and income

think about how he treats bob and then turns around and treats us

if he showed his famiyl an ounce of the patient, reverence and respect he shows for bob

ugh

maybe he expects to get treated the way he treats bob, and maybe he expects me to treat others the way he treats me in that way? he bows down and worships bob, giving him oh so much patience because he gave us material help, so dad should be treated like a god too for giving us material help?

he can’t fool me with that bullshit “ youll never make it at a real job” shit anymore, he never even paid me as much as scumbag erin, fuck I never even broke $20, but I coul damn sure bounce around contruction jobs like any of those other jerks. and yeah, how the FUCK is it suppose to make me feel when he tells me all his employees are such garbage but I’m not even up to their wage standards lmao

he’s putting mom on us by giving her everything she can’t afford

if’s unfair to all of us how far he chooses to stretch us thin and stack the plate high if we’re also expected to work for him which also means manage his affairs because the function of the son seems to be all sorts of implicated obligations. god damn social rules are heavy.

if we reduced our possessions, including private proeprty, and honed in on one profession, maybe we’d all unwind a bit

sell the company at the one year mark

we talked about that

start the countdown

to methadone and dispensary freedom

freedom from both dispensaries

lol go figure two drug dispensaries are holding me back all the same as me dispensing the drug myself, just less dangerous! /cat sarcasm. been watching red dwarf mate. which reminds me of when lister mentioned “I could have had the company job and a parking spot and become a class traitor but I CHOSE not to”

what do my principles mean to me?

would changing the fundamentals of who I am to keep running in the rat race be considered a rebellion of sorts or am I bullshitting myself

I can’t judge people based on the value of their production for the rest of my life like I’ve been judged all mine

I can’t keep justifying shit like surveillance because muh propertuh

which would I regret more, turning this away or turning away the opportunity to turn it away earlier?

it is still true when I left everything I fought to get done suddenly finally got done, but not by my decree, but by his own judgement when he saw himself because turns out JUST AS HE ACCUSES ME OF ALWAS ARGUING EVERY POINT BACK TO HIM

EVERY POINT I HAVE ABOUT BUSINESS IS ARGUED BACK AT ME AND DOUBTED.

>> when we were in the middle of the price battle when I wanted it lowered is when I exploded about the social media. the price is now lowered, but surely not by my decree.

…..if bob wasn’t in the picture, would my dads standards have been the same?

or is it all my reputation of being a druggie piece of shit not worthy of life because I choose to fucking “get drunk” by my own means so I’m looked upon as an evil sack of shit bringing darkness into everyones fucking life by bringing a few FUCKING HOURS of light into mine I’m FUCKING TRAPPED.

we cant do everything

focus on teh grow

this stretching us so fucking thin occupies way too much of my mind

all I wanted was tuition/worry free education

I take some acid, all this shit that would normally just bother me on a subconscious level bubbles up tot he surface, and it’s so fucking much to deal with that my “wipe the drive” type solution always falls to total uprooting

kats cousin beats up her grandma, she has to call in, but that reason is none of our business, so she gives an excuse instead (surely dad’s response would be “well anyone with half a brain would say “family emergency” as though it would truly make a difference as to their value as an employee in his eyes). consequently, the next excuse she gives she is fired, which could mean the next time, out of her control, some crazy family shit goes down

andrew is in the same spot

I can’t be the one reponsible for the fate of these people’s lives. or at least part responsible, I’m no fooling myself with that “volunteerism” libertarian bullshit as though we’re all in total control of our destinies and it’s not all a cooperative enveavor with a bunch of veneer of “individualism”

…I’m reading over my blog before I post this here. Noted my reputation as being “the bosses son” to employees or “the son of a business owner” to friends, does my dad similarly feel trapped in “father of useless employee” and “father of son that doesn’t want “OH GOD NO why the FUCK would I loop back around to the whole reason I stop myself from auitting in the first place? I always tell him and me I can’t quit because then I’ll be known as the son that can’t work with his dad… but looking at his turnover rate with partners and employees, would that be assumed before the assumption he drove me off instead? afterall, I think I was always the lowest paid plumber at progressive. and when I cut my hours at the dispensary, they cut my pay. message heard. wouldn’t matter, that guilt would hang with me all the goddamn same.

capitalism turns all that’s solid into dust or something right? exhibit A: never being able to take root in my life. not when I was a kid, not now as an adult

if we sell our weed to the right dispensary, we wont be able to keep up with demand. otherwise, we have to work to even be that dispensary, keeping our weed in the dark in the meantime

(next day, more sober)

listen, the evidence of the weight of the expectations on me that everyone denies is that the longer the gap between conversation, the less he can hold back asking about everything that I am assured I shouldn’t be worrying about, in the typical condescending demeaning fashion he is unconscious of.

I’m planning things. it feels good. lemme finish my irl journal entry