#I am actually not sorry for anything that'll happen in the future

[faun-the-fawn77]

Chapter 2 - "𝕀'𝕕 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕥𝕠 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕎𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕"

"I'd love to change the world But I don't know what to do So I'll leave it up to you" ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Word Count: 3.0k Chapter Warnings: swearing, a brief mention of s/h scars, mentions of future character death, lowkey simping for Kagaya, MC hates Sanemi and Obanai, don't worry that'll let up soon;) Note(s) at the bottom! <Previous: Chapter 1 - Next: Chapter 3>

It was quite a cool day out despite the sun glaring down. Wind blew softly by, sifting through the wisteria flowers. I could smell the overwhelming scent of those trees. I instinctively went to rub my nose to deter the oncoming sneeze only to remember my hands were tied behind my back.

The moment Ubuyashiki stepped foot onto the porch, a warmth spread through me. His presence was so calming. I can understand why the Hashira were so calm and level-headed during the meetings.

"Welcome, my dear demon slayer." And, oh, did I melt at the sound of his voice. It was smoother than the Dove milk chocolate I would indulge in from time to time.

"Good morning, everyone. It feels like a beautiful day. The sky is a perfect blue, isn't it?"

My head was turned just enough to see Ubuyashiki 'looking' up at the sky. My heart lurched. I almost forgot he was blind. I moved my head a bit to see that it was, indeed, clear skies. An ocean of blue with the faint wisps of clouds closer to the horizon. The warmth of the sun didn't hold a candle to the warmth that Ubuyashiki managed to have with his very presence.

"It makes me very happy that we can have our twice-yearly Hashira meeting without any members having changed." I could hear the scuffling between Tanjiro and Sanemi. This was Tanjiro's first time seeing the master of the corps so it was understandable. That, and seeing Ubuyashiki's illness. My brows furrowed as I traced along the little scars adorning my wrist.

"Master," Sanemi lowered his voice, "I sincerely pray for your increased happiness. It is good to see you so healthy." I nearly scoffed at how sincere his voice sounds. The fact that he can find it in his heart that is three sizes too small to care about Ubuyashiki is insane. Genya deserves better than this two-faced piece of shit.

The smooth voice of Ubuyashiki hummed out, "Thank you, Sanemi."

Then the gravelly voice of the Wind Pillar spoke up, "I'm sorry, but before the meeting, would be so kind as to tell us why this corp member who travels with a demon, Tanjiro Kamado is here? And the foreign girl who was found passed out at the battle scene?"

I shuffled in my spot, wincing when a pebble dug into my kneecap. I could feel eyes digging into my skull as soon as Sanemi finished speaking. If they weren't talking about me before, they were now. I was growing uncomfortable at the prolonged silence until Ubuyashiki spoke up, deterring the attention to him.

"Yes, my apologies. I have accepted Tanjiro and Nezuko. I want everyone else to do the same." The pounding in my head from when I woke up was back tenfold with how loud everyone had suddenly got. I curled in more, wishing to have earplugs or something to block out the chaos.

"I wasn't finished."

I breathed a sigh of relief at the instant silence. I looked up a bit, seeing Ubuyashiki seemingly staring right at me. I froze. Oh god, am I in trouble? Wait, did I actually do anything to even be in trouble? I felt my hands shake and start to get clammy at the thought of being killed by any of the powerful people around me.

"Hello, my dear. I hear you speak English?" I shot up, back pin straight at the sound of my language being spoke by Ubuyashiki. His accent and the sound of his voice was a comfort to me at this point.

"I do! Uh- I mean , I do, sir. Am I in trouble?" A light chuckle escaped Ubuyashiki's mouth at my question.

"No, you are not. We just have some questions for you. Will you be willingly to answer what we want to ask?" I looked at the others around me. I knew what happened. How this all ends. I could not, however, reveal that to anyone. Ubuyashiki maybe, but everyone else?

"I will answer as best as I can, sir." Ubuyashiki hummed and nodded. His daughter on his left side translated to the others that could not understand. Everyone seemed to perk up at that. The situation with Tanjiro and his demon sister nearly forgotten until the master spoke up.

"Urokodaki has sent a letter in regards to Tanjiro and Nezuko." Now that they were back to Japanese, I zoned out. The questions that I'm sure to be asked are going to be a complicated one to answer. How does one even explain my situation? 'Yeah, so, I fell asleep after hiking up the trail I usually go to and when I woke up I was falling from the sky'.

After shifting in my spot again, I noticed how light I felt. My eyes widened as I realised my hiking pack was no longer on my back. I looked around subtly to see if I could spot the moss green pack only to see it resting in front of Ubuyashiki. How I didn't notice that before is beyond me but, hey, I have shit vision so.

I bit my lip out of anxiety. If they see my phone or anything electronic then they'll surely accuse me of being a witch, or worse, a demon. Do they even believe in witches? Are those a thing in Japan?

The raising of voices snapped me from my thoughts. I looked up to see the white haired douche cutting himself open, his arm extended over top of Nezuko's box. His blood dripped down onto it. Everyone waited with bated breaths to see if the small girl would attack the Wind Pillar.

Scratches sounded from inside the wooden container. Soon enough the demon girl tumbled out, her eyes slitted and focused on the cut from Sanemi's arm.

I heard grunts over on my right, seeing Tanjiro struggling to get up from Obanai's hold. Obanai was kind of a prick too, wasn't he? I glared at the shorter male until I felt scales sliding around my neck. A white snake with piercing red eyes stared back into my (E/C) ones.

"Come on, want a taste?" I turned my gaze to Sanemi and glared. I could tell he was trying to provoke the girl into attacking him. Watching Nezuko struggle against herself was painful to watch. The smell of his marechi blood almost broke her but, Nezuko 'hmphed' and turned her head away. I giggled a bit before shutting my mouth when Sanemi turned his glare to me.

"What did she do?" Ubuyashiki's daughter on his right explained what Nezuko did which had him smiling.

"There you have it. Nezuko Kamado will not attack a human." Ubuyashiki went on talking a bit more to the others. Tanjiro was still at the edge of the porch after he was freed from Obanai's hold thanks to Tomioka. I noticed Nezuko had crawled back into her box, huffing at the gobsmacked Wind Hashira. When the Kakushi came in to take Tanjiro away, I cringed back after hearing the demon king's name slip from his lips. Oh god, the second hand embarrassment.

"He will be staying at the Butterfly Mansion until he is healed." Shinobu spoke. And with that, Tanjiro was dragged away by the kakushi.

It was silent for a few. I could hear the faint caws of the crows nearby. Kaburamaru still resting around my shoulders. Sanemi made his way back to the line up and, finally, Ubuyashiki spoke.

"Who would like to go first?" More chaos. They all seemed to be talking over each other, looking at me with wonder. I fell back, my head almost colliding with the gravel when an arm wound around my shoulders, pushing me upright. Kaburamaru hissed at the person and coiled a bit tighter around me.

"Be careful! Don't want you passing out again!" I jumped when I heard Rengoku's booming voice by my ear. He was smiling down at me, his eyes sparkling as if this is his first time eating sweet potatoes. I smiled nervously, and nodded, hoping it was the correct response to whatever it was that he said.

"My children, please, let her have room," Ubuyashiki spoke, saving me from the group of slayers surrounding me. I sucked in a breath at the freedom. Look, when you're surrounded by attractive people asking you questions in a language you cannot understand then you'd freak out too.

"We got reports of the use of a breathing style no one has seen. Care to explain?" Sanemi was standing off to the side, arms crossed over his heavily scarred chest, waiting for an answer from me.

I glared right back into his eyes. I turned my gaze from the irritating male and to the head of the corps, trying to explain what I remembered, "It was a spur of the moment thing. When I saw that Tanjiro was going to be sliced up, I kinda just reached for what I had on me to see if I could at least delay the attack. I didn't expect a giant flaming tail to sprout from the old knife I had."

"Liar."

I turned to Sanemi when that word slipped from his lips. He was staring right at me, his gaze narrowed and his brows scrunched up in irritation.

I scoffed, "Liar? How can I be a liar if what I'm saying is all I know? You expect me, a foreigner, to know why the hell that happened? I don't even know how I got here! For God's sake, I can barely even wield a weapon! And, assuming you all have been through the backpack I had with me, you'd know that I am, in fact, not lying!" I was huffing at the end. It was silent as Sanemi and I exchanged glares.

"Then why do we have a report telling us that you had, in fact, used a breath style? Quote unquote 'Breath of the Dragon. Sixth Form: Tail of Thorns'. Ring any bells?" A pain shot through my skull when the supposed breath style I used was uttered from the scarred male. I inhaled sharply at the pain, trying, and failing, to suppress the groan that was bubbling up my throat.

Shinobu, the ever-smiling woman, crouched in front of me. I could barely make out her face, my eyesight blurred from the tears lining my lash line. The pain was subsiding slowly but, when Shinobu placed a gentle hand to my forehead, I recoiled from the pins and needle feeling that sprouted from the spot she had touched.

"What did you say to her?" Shinobu turned to look at Sanemi. From the tone of her voice, I assume she had asked him a question. What that question is, I could not tell you. I watched as Sanemi's frown turned from a scowl to concern.

"I asked her about the breath style she used. Are you blaming me for her stupid headache?" I could almost feel the anger radiating from Shinobu when Sanemi had finished speaking. In fact, Rengoku and Tengen and even Mitsuri had turned to glare at the man. I wish I had popcorn or something to snack on. It's like watching a reality show that was actually interesting.

"Her 'headache' seemed to have appeared the moment you said that. If she has transient global amnesia from the concussion she had suffered, then she won't remember anything from the last 24 hours. It's best to let her recover those memories before prodding into her mind." Shinobu huffed and turned her attention back to me. I blinked at her, watching her expression shift from anger and irritation to calm and...happy? Her hand rose to gently touch my forehead again, this time with no pain sprouting from the spot.

"Since Kocho won't let me ask those questions, then how about we discuss the contents of your 'backpack'. Rengoku, grab the sack." Sanemi directed the last part of his words to the Flame Hashira. I sat there on my ass, wrists still bound together, seeing the others beginning to plop down closer to me as Rengoku grabbed my backpack, speaking lowly to the master, and returning to the semi circle of Hashira. He dropped the pack in front of me, taking a seat on my left side, and untied my restraints.

I dragged my pack closer, seeing the others lean closer to catch a glimpse of what I'll produce first. I hid my smirk as I unzipped the green pack, and dug for the familiar metal container that held the first aid supplies.

"We'll go one by one. How about that? If you have any questions about anything, Sanemi will translate 'cause I heard he's just nice like that." I held back a chuckle when I heard the Wind Hashira growl at that. The others, however, laughed when Ubuyashiki's daughter had translated what I said.

I pulled out the medical kit, moving my back pack to my right side since I basically trust Mitsuri with my life at this point. The green painted box was placed in front of me. I unlatched the locks and opened it to reveal general first aid stuff. As I looked inside, I'm pretty sure there was quite a few stuff that they couldn't recognise.

"This is just the basic first aid kit I bring with me on hikes. I'm sure Shinobu would like to go through it. Wanna hand it down to her for me?" I watched as Mitsuri passed it to Shinobu, who took it with careful hands. I could practically see the flowers and sparkles dancing around her as she dug through the kit. I smiled and blindly reached my hand into my bag again. I emptied out everything I had, or, I thought it was everything. I picked up my bag to hand to Obanai(untrusting motherfu-) only to feel a bit of weight to it. I reached in one last time, and felt three paper-back books. I yanked them out to see the first breath user's face staring right at me.

"Oh no..." My heart dropped right into my ass when the three volumes of Demon Slayer appeared in my hands. I completely forgot these were in there. I could feel the breath that was caught in my throat, my hands shaking as a cold fear rushed through my blood.

"Hey! What's got you shaking in your shoes?" Sanemi's rough voice cut through my panicked thoughts. I ignored him as I shoved the three books under my thigh, trying to hide them from any prying eyes. I was in the presence of the most vigilant people so when I felt the books leave from under me and in the hands of the irritating Wind Pillar, I almost fainted on the spot.

"What the hell? Why is Iguro on here?! Answer me!" He shoved the books into the Snake Pillars hands. His face was in mine. I stared at him, putting on my best poker face.

"I don't know what you're talking about. They just appeared in my pack so..." I looked away from the guy, watching Obanai flip through the volume that had himself on it. I chewed on my bottom lip, seeing the slight tremble in the Hashira's hands. I could only assume he's seen Shinobu's death...and the others fighting Kokushibou.

"Ask her what she knows about Muzan Kibutsuji." Even Obanai's voice was shaking with emotions. I could see Sanemi's brows furrow at whatever the Snake Pillar had said. Ubuyashiki even seemed to sit up straighter and turn to 'look' at me.

"Iguro wants to know what you know about Muzan." I cursed the snake guy under my breath. I couldn't tell them what I knew. It's bad enough that I have three of the twenty three volumes on me. If I played dumb then they would know I'm lying. I can't tell them about the final battle but...

"He's the demon king. The first demon to ever exist. I... know Obanai had just read about Shinbou's demise to Upper Moon 2. If I could tell you who lives and who dies, then I would but, that goes against the laws of this universe. I cannot tell you whether Muzan lives or dies. I can tell you that I will save those I can so that when the time comes to defeat Muzan, we'll have the numbers. If I do have a breathing style, I'm sure I'll be trained by someone who can help me master it," I spoke. I winced a bit at everyone's crestfallen expression at the news of Shinobu's death to the same demon who had killed her older sister. I even saw a flicker of fear flash in the Butterfly Pillar's normally emotionless eyes.

I stared ahead right at the master of the Demon Slayer Corps.

"It may not be today or tomorrow but, we will have the numbers to defeat that Michael Jackson rip-off and we will do it with the lowest amount of casualties as possible. If I can plan this right, we might even be able to convince a few demons to our side of the war." The moment that last sentence came from my mouth, I could feel the chaos before it erupted.

"Quiet."

Ubuyashiki's chocolate voice sounded throughout the courtyard. The others sat back, glancing between me and the master. The smile on Kagaya's face was that of determination.

"If what you say is true, then may I ask what demons you plan to convince?" Sanemi scoffed at that. I wanted to throat punch him so bad at this point for his pissy attitude towards everything but I held back.

"Akaza who is Upper Moon 3 and hopefully I can get through Upper Moon 6, Gyutaro and Daki. It's not much but, they're the ones that I'm sure will be easiest. Upper Moon 2 reminds me too much of another person that I know so convincing him will achieve nothing. Upper Moon 1 however... It will take everything I know about his life before he turned. Upper Moon's 5 and 4 are just lost causes," I explained. The thought of some of the strongest demons turning on Muzan to help us defeat him seemed to make some of the Hashira perk up.

If the words 'defeat Muzan' could be a feeling then I'm sure it would be whatever is in the air right now.

Ubuyashiki smiled, "Then I'll leave it up to you, (L/N) (Y/N)."

...

"How do you know my name-?!"

I got my charger! And I would have uploaded yesterday but my cat had to go to the vet and now im on the verge of my breaking point cause I do not have enough for his dental work:,) Anyway... More chapters to come! I am trying my best to edit them myself before I post. I am a one man team so I try and I DO NOT want to use A.I. for editing:,) so if I miss anything then let me know!

Also! sorry for the heavy hate on Sanemi...Since reading the whole series I kinda have a grudge against the guy. Being an older sibling myself, I cannot stand when someone hates their younger sibling ESPECIALLY if they are all they have. I know he doesn't actually hate him but I don't think I could EVER treat my younger brother like that. So I will let up when MC gets closer and meets Genya but for right now, she will be hating on the dude.

I will write more interactions between both Tomioka and Rengoku next chapter considering the next one is going to be a bit more fun and not story-based entirely. Anyway, hope you enjoy this so far!

TAGLIST:

@eris-rose-86

[flowered-mp3]

I’m the anon from the boyfriend question 😅

Ohh that’s so nice …. i actually remember when you were first getting to know him…. like the first dates?!! it was very cute!

I’m so happy that you and him are okay and that you are apparently engaged (?)

Sorry if that question sounded weird but from time to time i remember you and your work and since you havent been posting about him i wondered if it worked out.

Anyways, as i said i’m really a fan of your blog!

Can i ask you if you are still following and stanning GOT7? I really hope so!

This year i got to know mark and bambam and was amazing, they really deserve all the love from us.

no worries hahaha it's all good. also yes I am v much still a bird DON'T U WORRY! praying for a group cb in 2025 🥹

my bf also wanted to answer the first part of ur ask anon, so he typed something up to say lol it's v long lmao he's so goofy jansjwakajsnjs 😭:

"Hello friends and fans of my gf. This is really funny because I actually don't know my gf's username. She refuses to let me take a look at this blog so I had to write this blurb on my own and send it to her to post. Anyways, I was tasked with making a small update on our relationship and I jumped at the opportunity.

For a short word summary, we are doing very well. I don't think I've ever felt as comfortable and confident in a relationship as much as this one. It's incredibly liberating being able to be 100% myself with her and not having to dial anything back. Just that fact alone, is 80% of the reason as to why I want to marry her. Now, before anyone gets too excited we aren't engaged yet, but it will absolutely happen. I may or may not have written out the blueprint of how it's going down in the future, but I'll let my gf fill you in on the details when it happens.

In terms of what our relationship looks like now, it normally boils down to one of us going to the other's house, cooking meals together in the kitchen, and then us watching a show/reading together.

Quick sidenote, she got me into the ACOTAR series and god damn I can't believe this jackass Rhysand has managed to win me over. This probably sounds a little boring and admittedly on paper it does, but I really do enjoy it. There's always some dumb or silly shit we'll do or say that'll get us to laugh uncontrollably and even if that laughing moment doesn't come, it's honestly just a nice feeling to have her presence around.

One of the biggest fears, I've personally had with relationships has always been the end of the honeymoon phase. When the spark dies, and slowly the life of the relationship begins to drain and eventually someone bows out.

However for the first time, I don't really fear that happening. I think it's partly the fact that we don't need to be constantly doing adventurous or exciting experiences in order for us to enjoy our time together. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to be able to hit up a concert, go to a friend's party, bouldering, or something. But we both know that it's not required in order for us to enjoy spending time with each other. The other part as to why I feel that fear has gone away is that her love and devotion to me has never really been called into question. She always brings it, even when she's going through it, even when I'm annoying the hell out of her, her desire to want to be with me never seems to waver. And I'm not sure if I ever experienced that before. Knowing that through hell and highwater she'll always be there in my corner is what makes me love her that much more and only strengthens the devotion I have towards her.

ANYWAYS, to bring it all back I do really feel like I met my person and I'm happy to go through life knowing that I'll be at her side. Hope you all enjoyed the update, she absolutely thinks that I went overkill on this post but I felt like I had to. Catch y'all later :D."

[doughguts-art]

Okay okay back with more Bandit questions and observations now!!! Hi!!! First off, what's the model of his gun? Literally just curious, really doesn't mean anything unless I feel like drawing it lmao. Secondly, what's his thoughts on the people in power/the guardians + the queen (I'm lumping the Judge into the guardians)? You said he won't work when he can survive well on his own, but does his dislike stretch out to even wishing harm on the guardians? Actually, does he know if a guardian dies, their Zone dies, too? How knowledgeable is he on the world of OFF's lore and how it functions?? Thirdly, does he have any friends I should know about? You drew him interacting with Project Goldfinch/Just Finch to break up the text in my first ask, what's their relationship? Does Bandit scam him to hell and back, or do they just casually chat every now and then? Fourthly, I VERY BRIEFLY checked out Ask Bandit and here are some observations I made: Uno, how come you ship him with Red from Animal Crossing? Is it cuz they both steal and resell?? If so, that's hilarious and I love your sense of humor. Dos, when drawing him with Elsen 7 I did not know Bandit currently resides in Zone Three, because 7 lives in Zone One. This whole time I was under the impression he travels through Zones for some reason lol? I guess that's my curse of having a handful of ECU Elsen that do that themselves lmao. Last but not least, not something Ask Bandit related, just generally speaking, would you like to see any future doodles I make of Bandit, whether he's interacting with my own OCs or otherwise? If not, I totally get it lol. Sorry if this is too many questions btw!! You're free to infiltrate my inbox with silly questions too if you want, just to make it more fair. Thank you! :]

Apologies in advance, I didn't make any new Bandit art for this post so I'm just linking something I drew in April that I don't think I shared to tumblr XD Answer time!

I modeled Bandit's gun after a Glock?? Kinda?? I didn't really reference a specific model, more like loosely inspired. I probably should create a prop-reference for it, but I haven't yet.

Bandit's dislike for authority does not stretch to wanting to take out the guardians. It would be counter-intuitive to his role as a merchant to kill off his customers by killing off the guardians. Bandit cares too much about profit, and although the guardians are annoying, without them he wouldn't have profit.

Bandit is fully aware on how the world of OFF works, it's inner workings, and other meta things.

Bandit will say anyone is his friend, even if they clearly hate him. Louis would be the only one that would truly think of Bandit as a friend (except maybe my elsen-sona, but they're a mary-sue type oc and should probably not be counted if we're talking in-universe/story lol)

As Finch is the protagonist in my game concept, Bandit will be the merchant selling them items. Finch is distrusting of Bandit, but sees him as a necessity in their mission. I do have an idea where Bandit does steal something from Finch to propel the plot, but who knows if that'll stay in the final lol

Bandit x Redd is a joke ship created by @brandy-elsen (tagging the account it was posted on and not your current account because I do not wanna waste a tag on this I am sorry Brandy AHHSGFG). All the credits to her for the comedic genius. I think you guessed right as to why that ship exists tho. I just drew it for that post because it met the "two pieces of fanart" criteria I set.

Bandit travels the zones, your initial assumption was right. He is only in Zone 3 on the askbandit blog because of the story being told on there. He's gotta refill his stock of sugar manually since sugar happens to be one of the things he cannot magically pull from his pack.

I would love to see future doodles you make of Bandit! I like collecting all the fanart I get and posting it (with credits/links) to his gallery on toyhouse.

I'm terrible with asking questions, but I'll keep your offer in mind if I have any in the future! :D

a dapper Bandit in a suit

[squishranger]

AT LAST SEVERAL MONTHS OF BRAINROT COME TO FRUITION

here's a carrd for all tptmers who want to meet some Fun New Girls That I Made (it defaults you to the first girl, but the button leading to the second one is at the bottom... and at the bottom of the second girl's page... is a button leading back to the first! careful not to get stuck in an infinite loop.)

EDIT: OH GOD ITS SO UGLY ON MOBILE. USE YOUR COMPUTER PLEASE

the full designs, transcripts and screenshots of the carrd for mobile users, and other such ramblings are under the cut

REVERIE GIRL , she/they/cloud/dream/star/whatever suits your fancy, wants the world to spin both faster and slower than it does... if she had the gumption, they'd have everything she wanted by now, but they tend to only have the energy to lay in bed and think about lost times. she's a nostalgiacore girlie and she has little else to go off of in terms of defining who she is. (star's... basically just a self-insert.)

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JOURNAL TRANSCRIPT: ohhhh my god what am i doing . i cant keep living like this. like its not even living im not even doing anything every morning i wake up and i regret i regret waking up i dont want to wake up but how am i ever supposed to live if i cant do anything other than stare at the ceiling and pretend things are better than they are ??? at this point i'd rather give up. live in my daydream forever with my friends and my cat whos been dead for like two years now i think but i wanna go back to her i wanna go somewhere else. i havent given a shit about reality in fucking forever im so done with it but some part of me wants to live. maybe even get out of my fucking parents house. get a job learn to drive be a person or something. but i'm so stuck. i just hurt all the time. i dont know what part of my heart to follow. i dont know what to do. i can't just go back to bed this time i can't…. i can't…. i always tell myself that and then i do. i need to make up my mind.

CARRIER GIRL, she/he/they/it, has been abandoned by everyone who ever loved her. though she lives a generally stable life, it's a distinctly lonely one, and it isn't enough for her. there is something yet to be fulfilled. some kind of desire. she only wants to feel as loved as she once was.

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JOURNAL TRANSCRIPT: hello blog!! i got myself an iced matcha latte from my favorite local cafe today! it was really good. but it like, it got me thinking… will any little treat i buy myself ever make me feel better about how freakin' lonely i am?? man, i dunno why i started thinking like that… i get matcha all the dang time. so often they're starting to feel more like breadcrumbs. i think it'd taste like something again if i shared it with someone. i think i peaked in high school. that was when i had friends and before all that awful stuff happened and yeah maybe i wasn't doing great but i had people. and then they all went to college or got married or had babies or something and… augh!! i can't be bitter!! they're living their best life… just… without me. and now every time i reach out i get brushed off, pushed away… i want someone who won't leave me. will i ever have someone who won't leave me? maybe i won't. maybe i should just accept that. everyone always leaves. i've been nothing but kind to people, i really think that, so what am I doing wrong? ohh boy this one really spiraled outta control didn't it… sorry ;-; i'm just gonna save it and go think for a bittt….

THIS WAS A VERY FUN EXERCISE for character design and branching out with my art style (i did in fact draw both of these characters.. it's probably pretty obvious but i tried to make them look like they were sorta drawn in different styles like the canon girls bc it's cool i think. if that makes sense JSDFJSDF) and coming up with metaphors, i actually had so many other girl ideas that got scrapped for one reason or another, and only two came out unscathed... there may be more... in the future... as for songs, i don't know if that'll ever happen. i have most of the tools, aside from voice synth, so i'd probably just use my own voice. which might be CRINGEEE (ironic statement) so we'll see how that goes!! ^^' don't... don't count on it...

[plural-culture-is]

uhh so i have a kinda similar thing to /721689917820928000/hello-sorry-in-advance-if-this-is-a-strange except i actually did use to think i was plural at one point but honestly looking back it feels more like i was just delusional because there was no real basis for it, and it wasn't going anywhere anyway since how am i supposed to switch or communicate when there's nothing to switch or communicate with.

but after i tried to stopped thinking i was plural my brain kinda just didn't let me think i'm not. it doesn't even let me think i'm median; or not plural or a singlet; or anything like that, it really wants to have distinct multiple headmates specifically for some reason.

it's been months now but my brain still won't shake the possibility and gets really annoying the moment i experience anything remotely plural even if i know it's something else like zoning out because of my ADHD.

now i can't even think about my future without my brain insisting that i'll realise i have headmates that'll just appear? i guess? i don't know what it thinks is gonna happen; or i can't draw a persona without my brain insisting that it won't be finished until i give it headmates in some form because that's definitely an accurate representation of me.

i have no idea what to do now because i'm pretty much damned if i do, damned if i don't here.

Well if it is a delusion, then it's going to very solidly stay there, even if you know it's a delusion. I recommend talking about this to someone who has more knowledge of delusions/psychosis. But do you have any other psychosis symptoms? Because I don't think you can have one delusion and nothing else (correct me if I'm wrong) (edit: you can, see reblogs for more info). And why did you think you were plural in the first place, if you now think you never had any headmates? Did you have any proof to go along with it? There are common cases of systems suddenly going silent, and common cases of systems rarely switching and communicating, but I don't know enough about your experience so I'm not going to say that's the case for you

[nerves-nebula]

Same thing happened to me. Different circumstances, but yeah it is super painful. My mom didn't tell me what I period was until I got it for the first time, and I wasn't even with her. I was at my grandmother's house and had to learn what they were from her, my mom only explained it to me after.

She also hasn't taught me hygiene either. I know the basics of course, the really obvious ones that are easy to do. Anything else? Hell if I know. I don't even know how to properly wash my hair, I have dandruff constantly. She complains about it, but she sure as hell isn't gonna teach me how.

Anyways, I wanted to write this to tell you that you aren't alone. This shit is incredibly common, for whatever reason. It sucks, but my advice is to just try. Focus on the now, and just try your best. Tacky advice, I know, but Focusing on the now will get you to the future. And that way you can prepare yourself for it, and actually know how to do it.

(You don't have to answer this ask, I just wanted to send some words of encouragement :D)

thank you, it feels really nice when people offer their stories unprompted like this <3

my mom taught us the basics too, by which I mean she TOLD them to us and barely ever enforced them. I've gotten better at showering regularly (probably still less than most people though) but I cant fuckin STAND brushing my teeth. it makes my mouth feel sooo gross and i never got into the habit of it so it's still difficult.

I used to have HORRIBLE dandruff too, and it itched so bad that I would scab my head all over scratching at it. turns out I have seborrheic dermatitis (diagnosed via tumblr user saying I might have it, and then a nurse confirming it lmao) and now I use a medical anti-dandruff shampoo from like. walgreens or something! I think its called selsun blue or something, so idk maybe that'll help?

ALSO FUCKING. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH HAIR. so im mixed and my mom has straight hair cause shes very white. so i am FUCKED cause god knows she wont learn to do black hair. but my hair isnt as tightly curled as my other siblings either, so im kind of just left floundering cause idk what kind of hair i even HAVE so how do i figure out how to take care of it??? all i know is that shampoo goes before conditioner ;O;

ANYWAY yeah you're advice here is actually pretty solid. unfortunately the truth is that when it comes to hygiene, you just have to try to do it consistently.

one thing that helps me take showers (and this is advice i got from ppl with ADHD, which i might also have idk) is to either set a timer or just don't. think.

if i think too much I'll never take a shower cuz i'll be thinking about how hard it is and how long it will take.

but if I think "i should shower" and just ride that thought out then I can collect all my things (towel, bodywash, etc) and go to the shower before I have the chance to change my mind.

my hygiene is still probably "gross" to most people but I've improved a lot so i'm proud of myself.

sorry for the ramble hah, I appreciate the encouragement <3

[roadkiii]

Entry 1.6.4-4 - The Horse Circle of Hell

Welcome to my blog. I’m not tagging anything but entry #, so sorry if my unrelated mess somehow ends up in your search.

[youtuber voice] WwwwwwhatIsUpYouGuysWelcomeBackToTimberportTuesday!!!

(sorry) (no im not)

Still no luck in getting a donkey herd to spawn, BUT i did stumble onto a family of inky horses, so that's cool. idk if it's just my shitty laptop (i swear for 1.7 i'm returning to desktop, the random lag spikes are obnoxious i just need to finish unpacking my desk ;; ) but horse AI is fucking weird. the one on the far left with socks decided it wanted to break free from the lead while I wasn't looking and fucking book it for the desert, I have no idea what made it do that. The other horses were pretty chill, kinda difficult to get them into their pens but ????

I want to name all of the horses, but am a bit creatively bankrupt atm. Maybe for 1.7 when I can start fishing for nametags I'll get everyone properly named.

I'm also now going to have to rethink my stables, they're already full. idk why I expected to immediately just find donkeys and not more horses, I don't think I want to tame any others right now, may just have to kill them like i've been killing anything else that spawns. Hunting on limited plains is annoying.

In the meantime, to keep myself from going insane, I've been getting more work done around the village, plus demolishing the old villager housing because it's,,,, ugly

I also made this little market near the main fountain :D I named one shop so far, I think it'd be fun to have named villagers, gives more attachment (and makes raids more stressful when they happen) PLUS i'll actually be notified if one of them dies.

butcher/smoker/cook villager is going to have two stalls and I want to make a main restaurant with my pigs housed there. idk if that'll be this update, i'm just intermittently building or finishing builds like the thing in the distance there

yeah this thing. my thought it to make it a sort of port entry point, but the inside isn't really furnished yet. I want to have a cleric/librarian work there - i realize i'm planning for things like 7 updates from now but hey. i don't want to have to keep tearing things down. I want these original buildings to remain relatively untouched (with the exception of updating available patterns/wood types/signage/lighting)

I also got my beacon functioning (turns out i was missing a couple of corner pieces - oops) and grinded for a while to put together this pick, bow (power IV inf flame), and axe (fortune II eff IV)

I chose speed for my beacon over haste since it's more useful to me - i might build separate beacons for other effects I want later. I have a couple of location ideas.

i guess i'll be spending another week in 1.6, which is unfortunate since there are so many features i'm excited to get to play with (afk fishing) and also future updates (1.9 mending my beloved) but alas here I remain.

I need to finish the cow barn before I show it off so maybe I'll focus on that in between my slaughtering grinds. Plus I have a couple of other builds in mind

next (1.6.4-5)

[galehowl]

okay I've been here for a day I'm legally allowed to start shitposting and ruining the character

[its-2-late]

A Letter I May Never Send

Full disclosure, I'm currently writing this at 4 am. I suppose if you're reading this it's some time in the future when I finally finished getting everything out and decided to actually send it. At the time of writing, it's mainly me just... needing to scream into the void so to say. So I apologize in advance for how rambly this is going to be. Literally just writing as things come to me.

That being said, I really hardly know what to say, or whether I should say anything at all. So much happened between us. A lot of which we never properly talked about, especially at the end.

I can't say I necessarily regret that things ended. That would mean saying I regret what I have now. My child means absolutely everything to me and I would never wish her to not exist, regardless what I gave up along the way. I do regret HOW they ended. It's been over a year since we last spoke as I'm beginning to write this and it still hurts.

There's a lot of questions I often find myself wishing I could ask.

Does it still hurt you?

Are you like me and have tried to move on, but still feel an ache in your heart some nights when your mind wanders back to us?

Do you prefer to just not think about it at all?

Do you still talk about me? Reminiscing about some fun time we had, or maybe a quiet deep moment we shared?

One of my most vivid memories of you is the first time you held me. Laying on the futon, just goofing off. You saw cuts on my leg and you just rolled over and hugged me from behind. You told me, "you scare the shit out of me." I don't know if I've ever told you the feelings that came over me that night.

For damn near as long as I could remember I'd felt hollow and empty. Like the shadow of a person. Broken pieces that had been taped together to somewhat resemble a functional human being.

That one hug felt like it both broke me entirely and pulled my pieces back together all at the same time. It was one of only two times in my entire life that I felt really and truly wanted, cared about, seen.

It hurt.

I wanted so badly to just melt into the kind of love you seemed to be offering.

I wanted so badly to also run away and hide from the hurt and pain I was terrified would come along with that type of love.

Guess I did a bit of both?

I remember telling you about how friends I'd had for years turned their backs on me. You said you'd never do that. And you truly never did, even when I turned my back on you multiple times. I'm going to try and avoid sounding guilt trippy in this... we both know what I did and saying I'm sorry over and over again won't change or fix anything. Lord knows it doesn't make any pain I caused go away.

There are times I wonder how things might have been different if I'd talked to you more openly. If we would have worked things out, or if we were just meant to eventually drift away from each other. I tell myself often that we just were at different points in life. A big part of me thinks that's true, but maybe instead of basically being strangers we could have still been a part of each other's lives in smaller ways if I'd just talked to you.

I did always mean it when I said you were one of my best friends.

At times I think I miss that the most. Not and of the romantic aspects, but everything else.

The way you made me smile and laugh.

How big, warm, and comfortable your hugs always were.

Hell, even the way you used to purposefully get me riled up over something stupid just to hear me rant.

When you'd smile and wiggle your eyebrows. You have probably the sweetest smile on anyone I've ever known. I miss seeing it.

Sometimes it's seemingly stupid shit that'll make me think of you.

I was listening to Fruits Basket opening/ending songs in the car today and remembered watching with you. Anytime a Sasuke thing comes into Gamestop I still will think, "Oh I should send him a picture of this." Going up to Shreveport reminds me of the time you went with me to see my psychologist and the waiter at Olive Garden gave us butter.

Sometimes a new game or show will come out and I still get the urge to message you to ramble about it.

I still have your number in my phone. I'll randomly check Facebook sometimes to see if you unfriended or blocked me.

I've never been good at letting go of things. Especially anything that ever gives any kind of pleasure or happiness. Fuck, even when that happiness comes along with pain. Probably why I've always clung so tightly to people and things that were bad for me in the end.

Something I'm still working on. And apparently failing.

At one point a few months ago I deleted all the pictures I had of you off of my phone. A part of me regrets it. Probably the part that I literally just said doesn't like letting go of the past. I guess part of me writing this whole letter is is somewhere in me hoping that somehow it'll bring some sort of closure.

I don't ever talk about you. That's part of what hurts. All these memories of someone who meant the world to me, and I can't even talk about you. Not about how I still miss you, or about some funny or stupid thing that just happens to remind me of you. At times I feel like I just need to get drunk and just vent/gush about you to someone for a few hours. Get it all out and maybe finally I could actually begin to properly move on emotionally.

Until then, I guess I'll just keep coming back to this letter anytime I need to say anything. Wonder how long this will end up being. Wonder if you're going to read it at all.

I'm not sure I would.

I'd probably see it and want to just delete it. Bury down whatever feelings I knew it would cause to creep up that I'd rather not have to face and deal with.

I'd want to delete it, but it would more likely just sit in my inbox, unread. I'd go back and stare at it sometimes, not opening it, but just seeing that it was there.

For me, at least, it would answer the question of "do you still think of me." For a while that'd probably be enough for me. I'd just cling to that thought, not really wanting to face whatever else was inside.

I've never been good at accepting the idea of people I love no longer loving me. It's something I've always preferred to just assume, because confirmation and me fully acknowledging it gave it a sense of permanence that felt like the end of the world.

Probably why I did a lot of what I did with you. Especially at the end. Instead of just telling you how I was feeling I just... stopped.

In some ways it was a way to defend myself. Others a way to protect you from me.

Knowing my own feelings for you and how I am when it comes to those sorts of strong feelings, I knew if I allowed you to remain in my life at all during that time I would never be able to let go.

Granted, I guess me writing this is me still not letting go... but I think I would have destroyed myself trying to hold onto something that was no longer there. I don't know how long you'd have stayed for it, but the idea of dragging you even further down with me sealed the idea in my head that it was better for both of us if I just walked away.

Whether that's true or not, I don't know. That was my reasoning at the time. I still feel like it holds water, to some degree. I mean look at me. It's now 5 am and I'm sat here still writing this letter to you. Not sure where I'm even going with it. I just need to get it all out before I lose my mind, whether you ever end up seeing any of this or not.

I still have some of your stuff. Stuff I got you that you never took home. Stuff you brought over and forgot. I've debated asking Ariel to give it to you multiple times. Me clinging to the last remnants of you I guess. Without even pictures anymore it almost feels like if I give that stuff back it'll be as if you never existed.

Even just sitting here thinking about it now has me on the verge of tears and wanting to message you "hi" just to see if you'd respond. Sound stupid? Maybe. Can still hear the sound of your voice in my head, maybe reassuring me that its not stupid.

Wonder what you would do if we saw each other in passing. Would you pretend to not see me? Would you meet my eyes and just keep walking? Would you smile back if I smiled at you?

I've been at work at Gamestop so many times wondering what it would be like if you walked into the store while I was there. Wondering how it'd make me feel. How you would feel to see me there.

I do a lot of wondering. Especially right now. Being alone at night and up at weird hours with a baby leaves me entirely too much time for my mind to wander. Usually to darker parts of my mind I prefer to forget exist.

I was doing good for a long time, you know. I got a tattoo that covers the scars on my one shoulder. I still think about it, though. The urges are still there, especially recently.

I've thought about going back on medication. Doctor offered it to me at my two week post-partum appointment because I was showing moderate symptoms of post-partum depression. Couple weeks later during my therapy appointment I was worse and was ranking as severe in both depression and anxiety.

I've had more breakdowns in the last month than I have in over a year. The loss of progress itself is depressing.

Maybe that's part of why I'm writing this letter. Maybe it's part of why I ran away from you. You reminded me too much of a darker time in my life, despite the fact you were one of the reasons I even got through that time at all.

I just had to stop writing for a minute because my baby spit her pacifier out in her sleep and was fussing. She'll probably wake up hungry soon.

It's been over an hour since I started writing. I'm really tired, but it feels like I've barely scratched the surface of what I want to tell you. So much more I feel like I want to say knowing this may actually be the last time I have the chance.

[skellebonez]

I'm so sorry that's happening to you. Fuck that/those anon(s), Knox just made a post ab the shadowpeach thing that they could certainly read. Essentially, there are several different versions of Wukong's and Mac's relationship, as paralells, as brothers, and as enemies/friends. People can see them in any way they want, it's called a fucking headcanon. I'm assuming you're writing the LMK version, where they don't seem to be brothers in any way. Even if they are, people should explicitly say that, and it should probably be Chinese people and/or the creators of the show. You're doing fine, and I'm so sorry this is happening. You truly don't deserve that. Maybe turn off anon for a while so they don't have the confidence to say horrible things? If you feel like taking a break from tumblr for mental health that'll be totally ok, the actually fucking good people will still be here when you get back.

I hope those horrible messages stop soon, and if they don't, I will personally come into your inbox and kick them very hard.

You matter, ok? Seriously, people on the internet can be assholes, especially after the family emergency you just went through. Why the hell would anyone think you were lying about that? I mean, if you needed to take a break for a few days, you would just say so.

I would recommend taking a break from tumblr for a few hours or days, and turning off anon as well. If any of them try to message you off anon, there's a big fat block button waiting for you.

You're not doing anything wrong, and I wish you the best.

I read Knox's post and while I was originally going to make my own post I think our feelings on the matter align enough that I am just going to reblog theirs with some additional tags. I have some rather... complicated feelings about all of this, partly due to things I saw off Tumblr, but it really boils down to me not wanting to draw this out longer than it needs to past acknowledging validity and sharing my personal opinion before moving forward.

I have blocked the anon, though they don't seem to have been logged in. I'm not going to turn off anon, however, because while those messages are awful I also received some wonderful kind messages in return. I'd like that space to remain open.

I may be a little more private about what is happening in my life in the future, however. I have my reasons for wanting to post at least once a day, reasons my friends know related to unfortunate circumstances in my past, but if i take a break again I will just post "gone for the day, I'll check back tomorrow" or something. I have a feeling that part of why I got the accusation in the first place was the coincidence of the timing. But coincidences happen. That's just life for you.

[enbeast]

hey yall I noticed that there don't appear to be any transcripts for A Study In Ichor, so I figured I'd type some up, please note I am literally just going off the audio and I might get some stuff wrong.

mission 1

:readmore:

CLIP ONE

Workhouse Owner (WO): RUN FASTER, WORKER FIVE, THAT TREADMILL WON'T TURN ITSELF. As you can see, Master Yao, our workhouse not only provides food and shelter for three hundred inmates but makes a healthy profit too. For example, Worker Five has been running on one of Cubbad's “treadmills” for a mere twelve hours today and has already milled five hundred pounds of flour. Got the odd nail in it but it's good enough for the Rutherhive slums [laughs]

Sam Yao (SY): Twelve hours? Without a break?

WO: The alternative of life on the streets is an excellent motivator. And with your investment we will be able to build even more machinery, maybe even increase rations to three bowls of gruel a day.

SY: I want to use my inheritance for good, and if I'm honest, I have some concerns about your worker's wellbeing.

WO: Oooh I seee~ Yes, I suppose it is rather fashionable nowadays to worry about unfortunates, but I assure you Master Yao, once you've had to make your way in the world, like myself or your uncle, a fine man, you'll learn that revenue is the important thing, not how it's made.

(note, as Sam talks there approaching footsteps)

SY: Surely, there's a way to- OW!

WO: YOU THERE, IN THE CAP, watch where you're going, you just ran into a potential investor. Where's your worker number?

Pick pocket (PP): (in a stilted cockney accent) Sorry, Guv'ner.

SY: No, no, it's fine, I was in the way.

WO: It is not fine. Young lady, break time isn't for another three hours. Get back to work. (retreating footsteps from PP) I'm dreadfully sorry, Master Yao, this workhouse is full of ingrates.

SY: My watch! It's gone, the chain's been snapped...

WO: That worker stole it, she's a pickpocket! Worker Five get off that treadmill and chase after her DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT THAT WATCH!

SY: Uh, I'll come with you, Worker Five, I don't want to make a fuss, but that watch is important to me. Come on, let's run.

CLIP TWO:

SY: Hey, mind your step, Worker Five, I've heard about this, rows of people crushing animal bones to make fertiliser. Ugh, the smell is awful. Pickpocket just ran out into the street, we've got to follow her! Five, I hope you don't mind if I call you Five, through that door! (sound of door opening) There! I see her, she's heading towards the Temm's tunnel, it goes under the river from here to Whopee, an engineering marvel- a-apparently, my uncle's an engineer, he's building an underground railway. I try to keep up with the industry but... It doesn't come naturally... I mean, I-I know the tunnel was built using Bruno Cockren's tunnelling shield but I still barely understand what that even is, I don't ac-ARGH! Oh! (gasping) Five! If you hadn't pulled me aside that horse and cart would have run me over! Ugh, I-I'm sorry, I should have been paying attention, but well I-I don't often get to talk to anyone who isn't my uncle, or someone who's interested in my inheritance... Not that I need all that money, of course. I just want to be sure it's going to help people, it's what my parents would have wanted. That's why the watch is so important to me, it was the last thing they ever gave me before they died. Reminds me of what's important. If, if it was any other watch, I'd... just have let that pickpocket keep it, I'm sure she needs it more than I do... Ah, she's just hopped the barrier at the Temm's tunnel, it's in that round red brick building the entrance shaft is underneath, come on, Five, let's experience this engineering marvel first-hand, quickly, before we lose her!

CLIP THREE

SY: Ah, this tunnel is incredible, can you believe we're RUNNING under the Temms, makes me feel a bit funny... Mind you, we're here now that it's safe, uh, some of the people that built it died in the flood... Oh! Maybe I should spend my inheritance on something that'll make projects like this safer for workers, what do you reckon Five? Oh, Oh no... The pickpocket's already climbing the stairs! Ah- she's getting away! (panting) Whopping's all alleys, if she slips down a back street, we'll never find her! Up the stairs! Run!

CLIP FOUR

SY: (panting) And we're out of the tunnel, the pickpocket just ducked down that alley, after her. (Running sounds) Uh, we've got you cornered, now please. Give me my watch back.

Amelia Spens, formerly known as the Pickpocket (AS): Oh, I don't think so. Lads! (sounds of several sets of footsteps closing in) You're surrounded.

SY: Five, it's a gang of pickpockets.

AS: I'd have been happy with just the watch, but since you followed me, allow me to introduce the Abel Street Gang, they're all over the rooftops and they've all got knives.

SY: Please, don't hurt us, Five here has nothing to do with this!

AS: There'll be no need for bloodshed as long as you both give me all the money you're carrying.

SY: Five doesn't have anything, but, uh, (mumbling, followed by the sound of a heavy bag of coins hitting the ground) That's all of mine.

AS: W-he-hell, aren't we the wealthy one.

SY: I-I've got more! Lots more! And I'll give it to you, I promise, just please return the watch. It's my most treasured possession.

AS: I see! Not an especially experienced negotiator, are you. Hmm, let's take a look at this watch, see what's so special about it. Hmm, pearl face, silver plating, and... an engraving...

SY: It's uh... it's Chinese, those are my parent's names, and that's mine. Sam Yao.

AS: Y-you're not even going to try and make up an identity? What- (laughing) You're lucky I'm just a pickpocket and not someone REALLY nefarious, I- Helloo, what's this? (music starts playing)

SY: There's a tiny music box behind the face, that melody was special to them.

AS: Ooh, a bit twee if you ask me.

SY: So you'll give it back?

AS: I might have sold it back to you for a few sovereigns before you told me who you were, but as my luck would have it there just happens to be something that only you can do for me, Sam Yao. Your uncle's digging a railway underneath London, isn't he?

SY: H-how did you know that?

AS: I read the Society Pages, in my line of work one needs to know who's on course to inherit what fortune, and which Saloons they're likely to fall out of after one too many brandies.

SY: My fortunes from my parents, not my uncle.

AS: Yes, but you're his ward, or at least you were until you came of age recently, correct?

SY: Yes.

AS: There's something I want to show you. Follow me and keep up the pace. There are far more unsavoury types than me in Whopping and they'll take more than your watch. Run!

CLIP FIVE

SY: What's your name?

AS: I'm not telling you my real one, but you can call me Amelia.

SY: Uh, if you don't mind me saying, Amelia, you're quite well spoken for a pickpocket.

AS: Well, even an educated woman is not replete with options in this day and age. We might have a woman on the throne but I had to choose between penury, marriage to a seventy year old rector, or this.

SY: Well, it's not easy for me either, I'm lucky I have money because, well, being Chinese, people have misconceptions.

AS: Yes, you really should choose your friends wisely. Down this side street.

SY: Ugh, Mm. What IS that smell?

AS: Cover your mouths with your handkerchiefs, both of you.

SY: It's alright, Five, you can use mine.

AS: The smell is coming from that huge pipe, you see the emblem embossed on it?

SY: Ah! It's from my uncle's engineering company!

AS: That's right. The pipe is a ventilation shaft from his railway tunnel, now let's get away from it so we can breathe.

SY: (Gasping) Whoah, Oh that's better. What is going on down there?

AS: That's what I want you to find out.

WO (distant): MASTER YAO! WORKER FIVE!

SY: Ugh, it's the workhouse owner.

WO: (approaching footsteps) (panting) Master Yao, I followed you all the way from Rutherhive, one of my workers told me this woman is actually part of the Abel Street Gang! She only came to the workhouse to target you.

AS: This worker, was he a handsome fellow? Smarmy grin?

WO: That's right!

AS: Brent. (Sigh) That'll teach me to use former paramours as spies. Fine. (gun clicking) Hands up!

SY: Amelia! Don't shoot him!

AS: I'm not not aiming it at him, Sam, I'm aiming it at you.

WO: Steady on!

AS: Mr Workhouse Owner, unless you want future investors to know you got this one killed, I'd advise you to stop following us. Sam, Five, come with me or I'll shoot you both. Run!

CLIP SIX

AS: We lost the Workhouse owner, time to put this away (clicking sound)

SY: We would have come with you, Amelia, there was no need for the gun!

AS: Don't tell me how to take a hostage. Now listen carefully, for reasons that elude me, not everyone who falls on hard times opts for criminality, some people would honestly rather perform manual labour, and your uncle happens to be a proliferate employer of such eccentrics. I wouldn't care, except that many of his employees have family in the Abel Street Gang.

SY: I can ask my uncle to pay them more. But... He doesn't really listen to me. I'm Rather naive, apparently.

AS: Well, fortunately I have no need of your dreadful negotiating skills, I need you to solve an even stickier problem. Several of your uncle's workers have gone missing. Even though I've repeatedly explained to my gang that it's a waste of time caring about anything besides one's self, they're refusing to work until they learn what's happened to their loved ones. It's hurting my bottom line.

SY: That's awful... For the workers.

AS: Ahh, they're probably dead. If WE can barely breathe the noxious fumes near the ventilation shafts, what do you think it's like underground?

SY: I can't imagine! Those poor people... I'll stop what's happening, I promise, even if I have to spend every last penny of my inheritance.

AS: Do that and I'll give you your watch back.

SY: It's a deal.

AS: Mm, my favourite words. Righto, well, if that's settled then I'm off. There's a debutante ball this evening and I need to be in good time if I'm going to harvest some pearls. (retreating footsteps)

SY: There she goes. Look, Five, ah, I feel a bit awkward asking you this, but, would you maybe consider working with me? You were quick out there, really impressive, I've just moved into a house by myself and I could do with a hand. I promise it'll be a lot easier than the workhouse. I know it's been a funny old day, but for me it's actually been nice having someone to talk to. Talk at. Sorry, I know I go on a bit. But if you want to let's shake on it. You did save my life. Great! Now, I'm starving, how about some steak and oyster pie? Maybe we'll come up with some ideas about what happened to those missing workers over dinner., then tomorrow, we'll visit my uncle. Lord Earnest Van Ark.

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: How is it going? Savannah: I'm so proud of you for working at this with her, I just wanted you to know that Jac: 😖 ugh, THANK YOU 🙏 Jac: I'm really trying Jac: and she's being a LOT better today Jac: more like herself Jac: she still hasn't said what's really going on, but maybe she isn't even sure herself, you know? 😕 Jac: we'll get to the bottom of it Jac: how are you, honey? ❤ Savannah: 🙌🏾 I'm BEYOND happy for you both 🙌🏾 Savannah: Ty is being more like himself too, today must be fated Savannah: it's such a relief, isn't it? Jac: I am BEYOND glad Jac: I do not know what was in the water but we can both finally breathe out so that's the main thing Savannah: I know right?! I feel more centred than I have in forever Jac: It's nice not to be so stressed Jac: I had no idea the tension I was holding, honestly Savannah: Baby 😔 Savannah: I had an idea but there's been no time to give you a massage, we're always working Jac: and I love it Jac: but other people still demanding time we don't have now is like Jac: 😬 Savannah: ^^ so true Savannah: I feel like I constantly have to choose between Sienna & Ty Jac: Right? There's always someone to be let down Savannah: excuse me whilst I essentially tear myself in half & still manage to somehow hurt either of you more in the process Jac: 😔 Jac: Ty should really learn a little more self-sufficiency in this situation Jac: like Amelia Jac: Sienna, that's different Jac: but you two are in a partnership, that's meant to make things easier, not harder Savannah: it's my own fault, I love him so much that I can't help but make everything easier for him even if it means things are harder for me as a direct result Jac: he's still meant to return the favour Savannah: & he does, he just doesn't always realise exactly what I do need, which is my fault too Jac: I can't see that Jac: you're beyond communicative Jac: and when you're not, that means there's a problem Savannah: Honesty is important but so is maintaining the image he has of me, I cultivated it, I can't just let it go when it's not as effortless as it looks Jac: but you, actually you, are perfect Jac: if he didn't love you for all of you, he'd be just Jac: wrong Savannah: No I'm not Jac: Not like you have no flaws or can do no wrong Jac: but you're so caring and loving and you'll do anything for anyone, especially the people you care about Jac: and even at your lowest, you still try to keep positive, and see the way out and forward Jac: and when you do make mistakes, it's because of all of these things about you that are so amazing Savannah: You're perfect, I don't even know what to say or what response would come close Jac: I'm far from it Jac: I do things sometimes, just to be cruel because I feel bad Jac: I try not to but I still do Jac: and I don't look after anyone the way you do Savannah: you look after me Savannah: & Isabelle & Amelia Savannah: we all take so much from you & you never complain because you're too busy giving us more of you Savannah: that makes me feel bad Jac: You shouldn't feel bad, you give me so much back too Jac: when you're already stretched Jac: and it doesn't feel anything like work with you Jac: it's natural, easy Jac: but still worthwhile Savannah: It's the same for me, with you, everything else may feel like a demand on my time or a stressful obligation, but that's not how I feel about you Jac: that makes me happy to hear that Jac: I swear, other people didn't used to feel like this much work Savannah: I don't know why it's so different Savannah: why you're the only person who sees through who I have to be to who I actually am Jac: It's like Jac: I feel a million miles or years or lives ahead of everyone else but you Jac: it's not even arrogance I just Jac: they don't get it Savannah: ^^^^ Savannah: it's exhausting Jac: trying to be on their level, care about what they care about Jac: when there's so much more important things to be thinking or doing Jac: I'm really struggling Savannah: what can I do? Jac: See? 🥺 Jac: this is why I love you Jac: I just wanna be with you again, then we'll both feel better and like this world actually makes sense Savannah: where has she even taken you? I'll come & get you right now Jac: we hung out most of the day and just chilled but we've gone out for dinner, [a place] Savannah: okay, I'll be there once the bill hits the table Savannah: come out when you're ready Jac: Okay, that's not an issue, we're near mine, ish, so I didn't need a lift from her dad or anything Savannah: I'll wait for you at home then Jac: That's so cute Jac: imagine how perfect our Uni flat will be Savannah: 😊 Savannah: I'll make a start on my moodboard Jac: we can do a dream shop when I get back Savannah: oh my god, we have to Savannah: but I promise I'll FINALLY give you that massage too, because I have no doubt your goodbye with Amelia will be stressful Jac: At least she can't ask for a sleepover reasonably when it's Monday tomorrow Jac: because yeah Jac: I cannot when a massage is on offer 😍👼🏾 Savannah: I can though, can't I? Savannah: I don't ever want to leave you, but especially not to go back to my house Jac: Of course you can Jac: we'll be sensible so we can still get up in the morning Savannah: 👼🏾 I swear Jac: I trust you Jac: I got a new night-time tea, it's really relaxing, you'll ❤ it Savannah: that sounds amazing, I've been having the most intense dreams when I do sleep Jac: at least your brain is processing everything and storing it away Jac: even if that's exhausting Jac: you'll be having sweet dreams so soon Jac: but in the meantime, I'll do everything I can to help Savannah: this is literally the evidence that you're as caring & loving & positive as you believe I am Savannah: I don't even dream when I'm with Ty, which I used to think was a nice thing, because I felt so safe but now it just feels like I switch off when he doesn't need me Jac: oh 😔 I don't love that Savannah: It sounds horrible, I know Savannah: & it would kill him to hear me say so Jac: No, it's not horrible, it's how you feel Savannah: he hasn't given me any reason to feel like that though, it's my crazy Jac: not on purpose, I'm sure Savannah: What have you noticed? You can tell me Jac: Well, even if doesn't ask you to prioritize him and his happiness at all times Jac: he still lets you Jac: I'm sure he doesn't realize but it still happens Savannah: oh Jac: like, I'm not having a go at him, or you, because you know you do it and you know why Jac: but he really SHOULD be thinking more about it, you Savannah: of course Jac: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything Savannah: I asked for your perspective because I need it, you have nothing to apologise for Savannah: & you're right Savannah: I just don't know what to do about it Jac: I don't want to sound like THAT friend Jac: he's great, in lots of ways Jac: but I couldn't say I hadn't noticed, when I had, it would be a disservice to you both Jac: it needs to be brought to his attention somehow, but outright saying it would probably feel...cruel? Savannah: I understand & I totally trust in the kind of friend I know you are Jac: ❤❤ Jac: We will work this out Jac: but we need time to 💭 on it Savannah: We need a time out from it first, the last thing I want to do is bring your stress levels back up after you've finally had a break through with Amelia Savannah: I refuse to be THAT friend Jac: we don't need to think about it any more tonight Jac: we can just think about our future and how amazing it will be Savannah: thank god I still have the ability to look forward without my future solely depending upon him Jac: ^^ no matter what, we're never those kind of girls Savannah: 👏🏾🙌🏾 Jac: I've text my parents so they won't be shook to see you Jac: not that they are these days 🥰 Savannah: I'll pick them something up to thank them as well when I get your presents for you Jac: Presents? for me? Savannah: 🥰 surprises, yes Jac: you're the best surprise Jac: I didn't think we'd get to see each other today Savannah: I wasn't sure if we'd even get chance to talk properly Jac: I know Jac: and I hate that Jac: I worry about you when we can't keep in touch Savannah: I hate the idea of you worrying about me, but I feel the exact same way Savannah: I dread to think how awful I'll have done on my homework because I couldn't stop thinking about you Jac: you're too smart to ever mess up too bad Jac: but we can doublecheck 😋 Savannah: what your compliments do for my self worth they don't do for my concentration span, so whilst the offer to check my work is appreciated, I'm not sure how well it'd be received Savannah: unless I'm sitting there with my eyes closed & you're in silence Jac: I think I can manage stunned silence in your presence quite easily Jac: we can make it work Savannah: you really do have an answer for everything, I love that about you Jac: it's easy to be sure with you Savannah: I wish we could be together all the time, there wouldn't be any room for doubt for me then either Jac: so rude of my parents to overdo it with the kids 🙄 Savannah: so rude of my parents to exist if they were going to use that existence to destroy everything they built, including my faith, trust & sense of security Savannah: if they were better people you could just stay here Jac: I don't know how it doesn't break their hearts Jac: and make them change and be better Jac: because I can't 😢 Savannah: they'd have to heal from the heartbreak they inflicted upon each other first & they have a lot of work to do before that'll happen Savannah: my mother doesn't have anything left for me & my dad doesn't have anything to offer that I want Jac: So true Jac: inherited trauma is the hardest Jac: and I don't have an answer for that, I really, really wish I did Savannah: you are an answer to that Savannah: you make me feel like I did before any of this happened Jac: I'm going to take care of you Jac: and the you that's still that little girl Savannah: we used to be so close, me & my dad Savannah: I don't understand how he could do this Jac: Even if he didn't love your mum anymore, in the way he did before Jac: the way he's handled it all Savannah: I would literally move heaven & earth to make things work with Ty, do anything to avoid hurting him, under no illusion that we're unlikely to be together forever Savannah: he can't have ever loved her, me or Sienna Jac: He must have thought it would have hurt MORE to stay Jac: I'm not saying he's right, or it excuses it Savannah: maybe it would Jac: I just really think he does love you guys Jac: and that doesn't have to change how you think or feel about him, at all, and that's not why I would say it Jac: the situation is still the same Jac: but it's rare the intentions are that bad, people do what they think is right, or they do the wrong thing out of hurt, like your mum right now Savannah: I know you want that for me, for me to be loved, I love you for it Jac: You are loved, by lots of people Jac: me being the chief one, of course Savannah: I'm trying so hard to remind myself that he isn't his mistakes but I can't forgive them when his actions make me feel like I am one of said mistakes Savannah: & my mum reinforces that every time she can't bear to look at me Jac: I can't begin to imagine how hurtful that is Jac: and how much that must occupy your head, and how hard you must have to fight every day to not be consumed by those thoughts and feelings Jac: all I can and will continue to do is be here for you, whenever and in whatever capacity you need Savannah: all my life she's told me how beautiful I am, but now all that matters is how much I resemble him Savannah: what am I supposed to do? Jac: You're still beautiful Jac: and you're always going to look like him Jac: do you want to change your appearance? Savannah: No, but I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again without feeling as awful as I do when my mum tells me to get out of her room Jac: just because she's the victim in her narrative with your dad Jac: doesn't mean she's not also capable of perpetuating unhealthy behaviour Jac: that isn't okay, to make you feel like that Savannah: I know, but she's incapable of having a conversation about it right now, medicated or not Jac: Does your aunt have any more luck with her? Jac: or can you vent to your aunt about her? Savannah: I can but that doesn't mean I feel comfortable doing it Jac: That makes sense Jac: there's always the uncertainty of where the information will end up, or if any judgment is silently being passed Savannah: ^^ Savannah: you're the only person I want to talk to Jac: we can stay up and talk Jac: School can be completed with one eye shut Jac: this is more important right now Savannah: we have to talk about you too, it's always me Jac: Okay, I can always call upon all my problems at any time Savannah: for instance, where is Jude going to be when we're having this deep & meaningful conversation? Jac: Cammie is at her mum's, Jude can take her bed Jac: I'll take the heat if Cam is mad about it Savannah: okay Jac: I'll make them share full-time and then you can move in Jac: sorted Savannah: & when I move in, I'll take the puppies to bed with us & take the blame if your parents are upset Jac: they can't talk Jac: they give it all that about training and rules and boundaries Jac: but there was always a dog in the bed when we used to sneak in in the morning as kids Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I can't wait to have a family like yours Jac: How many kids do you want? Jac: or more importantly, puppies? 😋 Savannah: More than 👶🏾👶🏾 obviously Savannah: & they'll each have their own 🐶 or 🐱 or both however many of them there are Jac: Aww, that's sweet Jac: I think two can be kind of perfect Jac: but they have to be the right two Savannah: so is that how many you want? Jac: I don't think much about that part of my future Jac: I don't know if I'd be a good parent Savannah: Well you have to, because who else are my 👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾👶🏾 going to be best friends with? Isabelle's children? I don't think so Jac: 😂😂 okay, fair point Jac: we cannot have that Savannah: & of course you're going to be 🧚🏻 godmother to them all because I can't trust anyone else if anything ever happened to me Jac: 🥺🥺 Jac: I will spoil them so hard, I promise Savannah: nobody else would be able to tell them what I'm really like, nobody knows me like you do Jac: You'll make me cry Jac: I don't wanna think about you ever not being here Jac: but I'd make sure they knew how much you loved them, and how incredible you were so they love you as much, always Savannah: I'll be with you forever, even if I do die first, because I love you that much too Jac: [don't actually cry in front of Amelia omg] Jac: I love you so much as well Jac: and we're paying up Jac: so I won't be long now 🙌 Savannah: that is perfect timing because I just arrived at your house Savannah: there was such a long queue in the shop Jac: So rude Jac: people are EXTRA with the Christmas shopping from like mid-october now Jac: thank god we aren't working retail Savannah: ^^^^^^^ Savannah: & this boy in front of me keep trying to flirt, it was so embarrassing Savannah: I have a boyfriend & I'm having a breakdown, excuse me Jac: The lack of awareness so many boys have is ALARMING Savannah: I almost wish I had started crying as he started speaking, he wouldn't have known where to look Jac: That would be kind of iconic Jac: but not worth the mascara Savannah: next time maybe, if I've gone makeup free Jac: or you could bring out some of the sign language I teach you Jac: it's very useful for that Savannah: 😄 true Savannah: are you going to teach me some more when you come home? Jac: We totally can Savannah: I'd like to Jac: why is it that whatever we do together, it's just the best time Jac: I'm really excited to see you Savannah: I know what you mean, I feel like a different person from who I was earlier Savannah: my mood has lifted purely because you'll be here soon Jac: It's the same for me, completely Jac: I'm so glad we found each other Savannah: I think your face looks perfect by the way, in that picture & always Jac: 😌😌 you're way too kind Savannah: my good deed is the gifts I've brought, how flawless you are is just what I genuinely believe Jac: thank goodness the walk back will give me time to cool down my 😳 Savannah: Oh no! I'll have to bring it back Savannah: 🌷 🌺 🌸 Jac: is that a clue to my gifts? 🧐 Savannah: perhaps 😊 Jac: 🥰 Savannah: [sends her a pic of her snuggling all these dogs cos we've made ourselves at home hens but she'd never post it because she don't look perfect enough] Jac: Awwh! Jac: You're [insert dog's name here]'s favourite, you know Savannah: Oh my god, am I? She's my favourite too! Jac: Yep, fully endorse this lovestory Savannah: 🥰🤗 Savannah: Teen motherhood definitely wasn't part of my plan but for her, I'll make the necessary changes Jac: If anyone could actually work it, it would be you Savannah: I literally can't even joke about it because of the degree at which I'll be tempting fate & how vitally important it is to me that no 👶🏾 happen yet Jac: We won't speak that into existence 🤐 Jac: can you imagine Savannah: I can imagine exactly what my dad would say Jac: 🤐 need that about as much as you need the 👶🏾 Savannah: I refuse to put a single foot wrong for him to claim is a cry for his attention Jac: As if Jac: the ego, like, yes, I'm going to permanently change MY life so you pay me attention Savannah: I can't make it any clearer that I'm not interested, we haven't spoken since he left Jac: exactly Jac: he wants you to make mistakes so he can have a valid in and come back to berate you because he knows IF he wants to make that contact as things are now, it's HIM that will face the criticism, rightly so, but he doesn't want that Savannah: ^^^ Jac: and he's meant to be the grown-up Jac: 🙄 Savannah: at least, having not acted like one for a long time, I'm fully prepared for his behaviour instead of being shocked by it once I reach my own adulthood Jac: 🌥 Jac: the only one defined by his mistakes, will be him Jac: you're gonna be happy and thrive, none of this will stop you Savannah: of course, because I've got you 🌞💛 Jac: if anyone is sunshine, it's you Jac: I just gravitate towards you 🌻🌻 Savannah: I'm willing you into my orbit right now for sure, you must be freezing out there Jac: yes, it's pretty cold Jac: the fashionable coat is gonna have to be swapped for the more practical 😖😂 Savannah: my poor baby! I'll warm you up Jac: 😳😳 works too Jac: for now, whilst I fast walk because I can't run on this ice Savannah: Don't walk too fast! Savannah: even with all the experience Ty has given me, I can't attest to be some kind of physiotherapist Jac: I 🤞 Savannah: I'll stop talking to you until you're back safely 👼🏾 Jac: ❤❤❤

[left-myself-in-the-alleyway]

Forever & Always

Part 3

Warning: Descriptive abuse, panic attack(s) touches lightly on drinking

To anyone who reads this: I wrote this part before I did any research on panic attacks and such so please be kind.

Thanks to @momobucketcomics for editing/co-writing this and making the mood board below.

More thanks to @devotedlybeautifulkingdom- (Tumblr won’t let me tag you!) for showing support for this story.

-

I felt someone rubbing my back. Someone, or something was comforting me, telling me I was safe. In the state I was in, I'm surprised I could hear it at all. I could feel the sweat trickling down my face, leaving a wet, slimy trail. I also felt myself calming down, albeit slowly.

It's okay. It's okay. I kept telling myself, desperately wanting to believe it.

I sat up straight and leaned back, still trying to fill my lungs. I could barely get enough air in them without feeling like I was suffocating.

I heard someone say my name.

"Mmhhmm...?" I mumble, my eyes still shut tight.

"Evelyn, can you please open your eyes?" I hear a voice that sounds like Tony ask, sounding... concerned?

Slowly, I comply to my so-called father's wishes.

I opened my eyes to see a sea of faces staring at me, worried expressions on their faces.

...Last time I checked, there weren't this many people in the room. Damn, I'm seeing double again.

I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath. Finally, my head was clear enough to speak normally. "I'm sorry... overreaction." I try to cover up.

"I would like to apologize for asking you that. I didn't know you would react that badly." Thor explained. It was badly worded, but...I knew what he meant.

"It's okay. It's not your fault- I shouldn't have let my mind wander..." The last words drifted off into a mutter- I wonder if he could hear me.

"Do I have a room?" I ask quietly. I don't want to stay here for much longer.

"Yes, I um. Yeah." Tony still looked a bit freaked out about my panic attack. I hope he hasn't bitten off more than he can chew by taking me in...

"I can take her to her room, Tony." Steve offers.

"Thanks, Steve." He replied, walking away.

Steve gave me a smile. "Follow me."

Dragging my feet, I grab my backpack and duffle bag. Panic attacks are exhausting.

As soon as we leave the room, it's just the two of us. The hubbub in the last room seemed to have vanished from existence, as if nothing had happened at all. Huh, guess they have soundproofing here too.

"Are you okay?" He asked as the elevator started to move.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I say, trying to get some form of a smile to form on my face. I hate it when people worry about me- I feel like I'm just a nuisance to them.

"You know, when I first came out of the ice, I had panic attacks. Everything was really overwhelming." He admitted. "I found the best thing I could do was talk to people about what happened. War is an ugly thing. You see a lot of things you wish you hadn't."

"It sounds like...you had a hard time leaving the past in the past and embracing the future" I say quietly as we navigate the halls, a whisper being all I could muster.

"You're pretty smart for someone so young. But that is something that you should remember too. Your past may determine your future, but it doesn't have to rule it." He explains as we come to my door, his pure blue eyes boring into my hazel ones.

"If you ever need anything at all, and you can't find Tony, don't be afraid to come to me for help." He said softly. "Just ask JARVIS to take you to my apartment. It's on this floor."

I scrunch my eyebrows. Apartment? "Everyone here has half a floor, except for myself and Tony. He has a whole floor to himself. I have almost a whole floor, so that's why Tony figured it would be a good idea to put you here." He explained.

My eyes go wide. "That's right, you get a small apartment just for you." He chuckled.

I smiled to myself. Maybe this won't be so bad.

"Remember what I said." He says, walking away.

I walk into my room, exhausted. I let go of my bags, letting them land wherever. It's so clean in here, I feel a slight twinge of guilt for messing up the neatness of everything with my scruffy baggage. I look at the rustic, brown clock. Thank God it’s not some weird futuristic aesthetic design, I hate that kind of stuff . It's 6:00.

That means it's only 3:00 back home.

Home. Somehow, the word feels foreign in my mouth- like a new shoe that'll take getting used to, or... Something.

I look at my messy bags laying haphazardly on the floor. My other luggage must be downstairs, wherever Mr. Hogan put them. I'm too tired to care about anything right now. I've got so much to do, but I can't resist taking a quick nap- Then I'll unpack and check out the rest of the apartment.

I flop down on the couch. Closing my eyes, I still can't believe how much my life could change so much over the course of a few hours.

-

Tony trodded over to the lounge bar, searching for the drink he had left behind earlier. He chugged down the glass of alchohol. Even though it was now room-temperature, he savored it rushing down his throat. Then, without even thinking, he poured himself a glass of the strongest bottle on the shelf- Devil's Springs Vodka. He collapsed on the couch sipping his strong drink.

-

"No, no! Stop it!" I scream at my mother.

She had just returned from wherever it was that she went. Probably the bar, considering her words were extremely slurred. With every step she took, it was heavier than anything- like ten earthquakes simultaneously rocking my world.

She was hitting me, landing blow after blow over and over again. I wish it would stop.

I need it to stop!

I almost got away, but she latched onto my shirt and pulled me back.

"Oh, darling. You're not getting away that easily!" She laughed as she dug her long, inhumanly sharp nails into my arms. I cried out as I felt the skin start to split and bleed.

She shoved me onto the floor. Before I could be relieved at her release, my head caught the corner of the table on my way down. Pain exploded through my head, and I could feel hot blood welling up somewhere on my face. Through my blurry, spotted vision I saw her chug down another bottle of vile-smelling beer.

Then, instead of doing what I hoped she would do, she threw it at me. I screamed as it shattered on the floor, showering me in broken shards. I cried out one last time as I felt the pieces of glass embed themselves in my flesh, burning deeper and deeper inside me. As I struggled to run away, my hands slipped on the floor that was pooling with my blood and tears. It rose ever higher, fueled by my bodily fluids, threatening to flood the entire room. The salty mixture seeped into my fresh wounds, burning them black.

Before I black out, I hear her say something. Her voice was no longer slurred, but crystal clear. It was sick and twisted, familiar and yet of something nightmarish that you'd only hear in the darkest depths of hell.

"Remember, Evelyn; however far you run, no matter how hard you fight back, I will be with you. Forever... and Always." As she growled those last words, everything faded away into darkness.

-

I shot up out of my restless slumber, drenched in cold sweat. My heart was pounding. I quickly pulled up the sleeves of my pullover, thinking I had woken up after being knocked out. There were only fading bruises and scars. Then, I remembered where I was. I breathed a sigh of relief.

I glanced at the clock. I only slept for 45 minutes, and I'd managed to have one of the worst nightmares in history. Oh, jeez.

I started unpacking my measly possessions. Anything to get my mind off That.

Someone had brought the rest of my bags up and put them in my room. I plopped down on the pristine bedsheets, feeling myself sink down into the mattress. It felt much comfier up here than on the couch. Maybe if I'd crashed on an actual bed, I'd have been spared the horrors of that nightmare.

I hung up a few of my tops in the closet. Most of my clothing consisted of long-sleeved sweaters, which I used to wear to school to hide the marks. I also had one sundress and two maxi skirts. They were beautiful, but I couldn't remember the last time I wore them. Standing on my tiptoes, I put a few of my pants and shorts on the shelves. Some of them were messed up, but I threw them in anyway. I was never any good at folding clothes. From there, I head into the bathroom to unpack all of makeup and other... Necessities.

I wonder if there's any dishes in the cupboards. Skipping off to the mini-kitchen, I went to check. Sure enough, there was. There was also food in the fridge! Am I supposed to live by myself, completely? I wonder to myself, checking out the other contents of the various drawers. The countertops were sparkling, and even inside the compartments of the kitchen, not a jar was out of place. Just the way it will stay, clean.

I fiddled with my phone, looking for my favorite playlist. Ah, found it.

Forgettable by Project 46 filled my ears.

I absentmindedly started to hum along to the song- This soon developed into quiet singing.

The song's beautiful and uplifting melody rejuvenated me. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, as I started organizing.

I adjusted a photo of me and my cat, trying to get it just right. I finally get it to sit at the right angle on the little counter beside the kitchen. As I subconsciously sung to the tune of my music, I stepped back to examine the angle of the frame. Suddenly, in between songs, I heard something behind me. It sounded kinda large- maybe mice? Huh, not if the cleaning team can help it. Really Evelyn, this is Stark towers. There won't be mice here. After ridiculing myself a bit more I turn around, thinking I might make some tea. I nearly screamed when I saw a figure in my doorway...

[blorbosexterminator]

pls help I'm freaking out,,, I got this really bad score in a test that I was totally not expecting and my dad is probably gonna come in any time now and chew me out and I am terrified of his disappointment... he isn't going to DO anything to me but I still - I don't know what to do. I just want to disappear. oh god. i am a failure. I sleep too much and I watch too many movies cause I secretly wanna be a writer or director but they think I'm meant to be a doctor and I have these really important exams in a few months and I JUST want to not exist I'm pathetic why was I a good student until a few years back now they have these expectations of me, everyone does, and how do I tell them I'm terrified OF their expectations like pls ignore me and then maybe I'd get better but oh gooood I'm such a mess you can ignore this I'm sorry for rambling but I just - could you please tell me something that'll make me remember this isn't the end of the world?

Hey, look, try to breathe, a bad score at one test is really not anything at all, bad scores at MULTIPLE tests is nothing either. And there is nothing wrong with a period of stagnation. At the end of the day, your education with whatever else it'll come with is only yours. I'm sure your dad's intentions are good and he wants the best for you, but you have to remember (and blatantly remind them if you can) that you're not doing this for them. You have to really examine what you want here, and remember that your future and the consequences, whether good or bad, of your actions will only fall on you. Now having said that, I honestly doubt one score at one test will have any grand consequences at all. I would never advice you to completely disregard school, but what I mean is, you have to remember that making them proud and not-disappointing them only comes second to creating the life you want for yourself, and if these two things don't align, then doing yourself justice is much more important. You shouldn't feel guilty for sleeping or watching movies, rest and pleasure aren't forbidden things. And perhaps you should have a conversation in the near future with your parents about the pressure they put you under. And listen, I'm certain they won't actually be disappointed in you whatever happens. If you don't feel like medicine is something you can or truly want to study, then take time to think of your other options, and make it clear to your parents that this isn't the path for you. I know it's a difficult conversation, but you mentioned that it's safe at least. But school, any sort of high education, not just medicine, is demanding. There are hundreds of way to deal with school and choices in education, but most importantly now is to take a step back and try to take a clear view of things and remember why you study and what you want and what is the most realistic way to get it. And you have all the time in the world to figure all of this out. And all the time to figure out how to include your parents in this conversation in a healthy way for you. But none of this is worth you freaking out and thinking any less of yourself. You're definitely not pathetic, and not a failure either. Parents put up crazy expectations for their children sometimes, you're under NO obligation to live up to them.

It's 100% not the end of the world. Very little things could actually be the end of the world. Not even the global pandemic going on outside now is the end of the world (stay safe tho), I'm certain one bad score isn't anything at all.

[pokefanbri]

That fresh start, that new life in a home we make together. I'd like that. Be the badass couple we talked about. Idc as long as im with you, you are my best friend & I want to be that for you. Darling we know it wasn't the right time. We can make our own timing, ill be here when you're ready. We can do this together, build a good future. You captured my heart, you are my heart...you can't love me the same way...perhaps things were too fucked up then for anything to blossom. Youre different than any1 ive been with..im not used to your personality or holding myself back from loving fully, ive always been a homemaker & long term relationship kind of gal with no complaints.

I want to make things right with you too. I'm building myself up all by myself after all that has happened, without you here. My life is changing without you. My future is starting, our future if u want it..you're leaving me gave me the push..put me in circumstances that made me fight..but I hate all what you put me through, I should just walk away...but for whatever reason my heart won't allow me to give up on you. I hope maybe with a good head on our shoulders it will be different. I don't want to lose you, you are everything to me. I want to start over with you, do things right. I don't want to regret ever meeting you, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, the person I care about most in this world. But you were shitty to me & didn't show that u cared back as much as you wanted me to care of u..& grew to care too much..was loving you a mistake..I was destroyed just for loving that face. My drive to keep going has been wanting to see you again to hold you in arms, I've had no other purpose or drive to get anywhere accept to you...because I know that despite the bad shit we were great together, & I miss you so damn much. Im left in the dark again, u need your space & time I get that, but you can't just leave me hanging. You want me back, u want to tell me everything to get to know the real you...but I don't want end up regretting letting u into my life again. I know we would he amazing but I need to be treated fairly period, I should hate you..but I can't, I just cant. You're the love of my life, I've never experienced feeling like this toward anyone, and you not here tears my heart apart. I adored you, I still do, I still want there to be a chance for us to try.

But If we're to be together it has to be different, things need to change.. we need to lay it all out on the table & confide, build trust, we're mature adults we need to be able to talk to each other & express our opinions. I need to be respected & heard..wear half the pants if not 40% lol, i don't want to be played with controlled pulled along or put to the side for later as an option & I know the differences, I have always had your back but are u going to have mine. U Choose me..you choose us then be my friend be my man & act like it if im what u want, if you want me to stay don't fuck with my heart cuz I won't give a 3rd chance. I need to be myself not stay silent out of fear... the eggshells, I have so much to give so much to offer but I can't be with somebody that makes me feel worthless instead of showing what I'm worth to them, if things get hard that's fine & normal we can manage through it sure. I need to be cared about & appreciated in return in some way even spontaneity or gifts... intimacy doesent mean just sex, fucking hell give me hugs, just tell me you care about me because yes I do need to hear it..from the people that I care about the most in this world it means the world to me, make me strong for us not weak cuz if a woman feels strong it gives her guy strength too. Just work together for eachothers benefit, that the things you say or do can build me up or also capable of tearing me down & making things turn bad which we don't want.

Youre the person that makes me the most emotional cause I seak for your approval the most...but I know I don't need it cuz I know my worth. But you make me weak in a good way when u don't even try, seeing your smile alone gives me motivation to try harder. Have i made a good impact to your life? Am I important to you too? Do you care about me? Please let me know, help me feel better & confident that I won't be wasting my time, opening my heart to or feel used up being emotionally available to somebody that'll only push me away & keep hurting me over & over, that could possibly never love me the same way. I deserve to be happy, can I be that with you is it possible? Can you become worthy of my heart too? I do mean something to you otherwise u wouldn't have made yourself known & start planning back in February.. so if you're serious I want to be let in on what's going on,I miss you we should talk soon & catch up, continue those plans. What can we do to fix this because im so sorry...I want u to be able to talk to me I'm always here for u. Rn I can't live my life without you in it & I want to go on our journey for real this time, hopefully anywhere but Tucson 😅. I'm just waiting for you to make your presence known again, but til then I'll be working on myself. Having an actual healthy good relationship with you is all I ever want but we need to take the proper steps...we need to listen to eachother,be real with eachother 100% Im willing to do whatever it takes love, Keep our friendship & grow our relationship take it slow we can make it work I know it. I am all in, are you still?

[punkscowardschampions]

James & Ava

James: [I'm thinking the vibe should be that maybe she hasn't heard from him all at for these 3-5 days like NOTHING which is obvs not like him even when he's busy] Ava: Hey, just checking in Ava: it's all good if you're busy but I'm just a little worried, probably stupid but Ava: give me a quick shout so I don't ramp it up and come 'round like a potential total idiot James: [when you can see he's reading it but not replying] Ava: James Ava: What's wrong? James: what's right? nothing Ava: Please tell me James: how? Ava: I don't know Ava: sometimes it's easier to just say it, stick to the facts Ava: I can take time to gather my thoughts and reply, if you can't James: I can't, Ava James: talk about this, think about it, handle it James: those are the facts Ava: Okay Ava: Can you tell me where you are? James: home, I've been there the entire time James: except when I went out to buy a bottle I can't drink & drugs I can't take, so they're staring at me Ava: You could Ava: but you haven't Ava: are the girls with you? James: yes, having them here is the only way I can be sure I won't Ava: You'd never hurt them James: but I said she uses them & that's exactly what I'm doing James: as a sobriety chip Ava: Caring enough about your loved ones and your responsibility towards them is a noble one to stay sober Ava: hold onto it James: it doesn't matter, I'll lose her anyway James: I can only hold on to Matty Ava: Why are you going to lose Jay? James: because she's not mine Ava: you've done a test Ava: oh god Ava: I am so, so sorry there are no words Ava: when did you find out? James: Chloé insisted James: I'm not her father but thanks to that lovely conversation we had, I do know who is Ava: She, what? Ava: She's pure evil James: she insisted because of you Ava: me? James: yes, her hatred of your family is more deeply rooted than I realised Ava: but Ava: if I had any idea Ava: I'm sorry, I should've listened to you but I thought she'd come after me, not Ava: this Ava: James James: in a way, she is, this affects you too Ava: but it's yours and the girl's lives Ava: it only affects me because I care about you James: you don't understand what I mean, it's yours & your family's too James: I can't say the words, Ava, other than what I've already said, I know who her father is Ava: I don't understand but I'm trying Ava: how could it affect my family Ava: that's Ava: no it's not possible James: Ava James: she told me how it happened James: told me to ask him Ava: but Ava: how could he James: I don't know, she said that they'd had an argument & he was really under the influence Ava: but Ava: forget the fact he's a bad boyfriend, forget the fact he's turned that into being a worse husband Ava: it's the fact he's going to be so selfish, put us all through hell because he loves Rio and that makes it okay, then he's not even going to fucking mean it and worst of all, he's going to fuck it all up, after all the pain of us accepting and dealing with his decision, with her- and why? because she made Nancy's life hell? Ava: he's as twisted as her, I'm gonna kill him James: I'm sorry James: if it redeems anything at all, I think Rio at least knows, I think it's possible that maybe everyone did but us Ava: you have nothing to be sorry for Ava: he's helped Ava: he's helped ruin your life Ava: Jesus James: you see now why I couldn't tell you James: talk to you at all Ava: Of course I see Ava: this is Ava: just terrible James: everything is ruined Ava: what are you going to do? Ava: what is she going to do? James: she's going to tell him if I don't Ava: He has to know Ava: how has it never crossed his mind Ava: he's clearly many things but stupid isn't one of them James: apparently she told him about the pregnancy and his response was to tell everyone about his relationship with your cousin James: so she quickly recanted & we know the rest Ava: so he used Rio as a scapegoat Ava: that's even worse Ava: well, karma has caught up with him Ava: but not enough, nowhere near James: this is all according to Chloé, she's rarely to be trusted Ava: She didn't lie about the DNA, did she James: evidently not, but that doesn't mean she has a clear insight into any of your brother's motivations or feelings Ava: I don't care Ava: any way you slice it, it's wrong Ava: oh God Ava: he can't take Jay from you Ava: she's yours James: she uses people, Ava, he won't have been any different James: he's a law student, he'll know better than me what he can or can't do Ava: Like he used her, because he was pissed off? Then used Rio, who he claims to love, to get out of the situation you then got forced into Ava: I don't want to talk about him Ava: you've raised her, you wanted her when she was presented to you as yours, you didn't wriggle out of it Ava: she named you, even if she lied James: maybe he won't want her anyway, he's got a family, a wife, whatever happened then it's obviously in the past for them Ava: Exactly Ava: even if that's Ava: disgusting Ava: leave Chloe to tell him, it'll go as well as the first time James: she's given me time to get a DNA done, with no prior knowledge of how long that would take, I can leave before she tells him Ava: You can Ava: she's a fucking idiot, even if he for some reason believed her this time, how is he doing a DNA, he's never met Jay, he has no way of contacting her but through you James: our bags have been packed for days, I just need to actually go Ava: Where will you go? James: I don't know Ava: I guess it's for the best you don't tell me Ava: I wouldn't want to say, even under duress James: right Ava: I'm so sorry, James James: me too James: I thought the hardest thing left to tell Jay would be about us Ava: Do you have to Ava: if you leave James: she'll have to know & if it doesn't come from me it could come from Chloé herself, years from now potentially James: there's only so long we can stay away, I don't have my own money Ava: That's true Ava: that would be Ava: but this will be so hard for you Ava: at least she's still going to want to stay with you, there's no chance she'll want to be anywhere else Ava: you'll find a way to make your own money Ava: wherever you end up James: as a single parent with so few skills I'm less sure of this imagined future but Ava: People do it Ava: you can James: maybe she'd be better off with him James: in the end Ava: No Ava: money makes life easier, it doesn't make it worthwhile, come on Ava: knowing your parent loves you, that's so much more important Ava: you love Jay, more than anyone else could James: but he's not a bad father, is he? he could love her Ava: You love her Ava: what about you? James: I love you too but it's not enough James: everything's still ruined Ava: not because of you Ava: because of this Ava: them James: I should've done this sooner James: I knew there was a chance James: she never said it about Matty, not once Ava: So did he, where's he been Ava: and she knew for sure and she still let all of this happen Ava: no one else is here taking responsibility, looking after those girls, it's you James: what the fuck am I going to do? Ava: The money you have, if it was enough for a deposit in London, it'll be more than enough anywhere else, enough to rent and live off whilst you get it sorted, getting them into schools, job hunting Ava: I still love you, James James: come with me Ava: I can't, my parents would file a missing persons Ava: even if I told them I was going, they wouldn't let me Ava: when you're settled, tell me where you are, I won't tell, if they start asking Ava: and I can come see you again James: I can't just leave you here not knowing how long I'll be gone Ava: I've already made things bad for you Ava: she wouldn't have done this if I weren't related to him James: but I'd still be married to her if I didn't have you to make me realise how bad that was Ava: I don't want you to go Ava: but that's only because I'll miss you so fucking much I can't think about it, and because I'm scared for you and what you'll do and what will happen Ava: but you can't lose her James: can you convince your brother to do the right thing? you talked to Teddy, that helped James: I don't know, I know it's not the same, but James: I can't lose you either, not now James: not when I need you more than ever James: I'm so scared & so alone with this & I don't want to do the wrong thing James: Jay will have so many questions if we just leave Ava: Oh, darling Ava: I don't know either, I don't think you can be sure about this it's so Ava: uncertain and messed up Ava: but if you can't lose me, you won't Ava: and I'll try my best with whatever else you need me to but I can't promise anything, really James: there's always been someone telling me what to do, every step James: & now there's nothing, we're all in free fall Ava: You can do this, I know now more than ever is a time impossible to have that self-belief but you can Ava: you don't have to be alone though, I'm here for you James: will you come over, please? Ava: of course James: I just can't go anywhere else right now Ava: That's beyond understandable Ava: I'll walk, that'll be quickest James: okay Ava: James James: yes? Ava: Before I leave, we'll have a plan, alright Ava: even if we don't stick to it fully or we make changes Ava: I won't go 'til you feel at least 1% better about it all James: if it makes you feel better I'm at 1% at the prospect of seeing you James: not only because I can't tell if Matty is actually getting sick or if I'm just stressed Ava: We'll aim for 2% then Ava: and I'm sure she's okay but I'll make sure too, yeah James: how could I ever walk away from you again? Ava: I wasn't convinced I'd survive it either but James: they aren't the only reason I stayed sober James: I don't want you to see me like that either Ava: I am so proud of you Ava: no one would want to be sober in your position right now, so the fact you could Ava: you're so strong, love James: it's so hard being around her right now, wondering if actually her temper isn't inherited from her mother like I thought & what else I've mis-attributed, but the idea of not being with her is Ava: There must not be a word to put to how confusing, conflicted, it all feels James: this whole situation is a huge blank page James: my family have all individually kept ringing me but I have nothing to say, no way to tell them that any of this is going on Ava: You've been in shock Ava: They can wait, you had no choice in hearing it but you can feel as if you have more of an idea before you tell them James: until they're at the door Ava: you've dealt with worse, you can't deny that now Ava: but we will try to get you some reprieve Ava: I bet you haven't been to sleep James: how long can you stay before your parents take issue with it? Ava: I'm sure I can get a friend to cover for me, I'll sort that Ava: I'll stay as long as you need me James: an eternity then, fine if you have loyal enough friends or I had vampire attributes Ava: I'll stay with you for an eternity like that Ava: even if I have to go back to sleep after a certain point, I'm not going anywhere James: I love you James: she can't ruin that, okay Ava: She can't Ava: ever Ava: she tried, amongst all the fucked shit she has pulled James: your sister clearly had the right idea Ava: yeah Ava: who'd have known James: maybe she'll have a spare bed for me in New York Ava: that will make visiting slightly more problematic but you know James: in that case, I won't write it down as step 1 of the plan James: understood Ava: unless step 2 is I apply to some NYC schools James: Goldsmiths would never forgive me Ava: I love you so much Ava: also I think I'm here but come let me in just in case James: [does]