#I am a whirlwind of constantly unable to tag things

[shadowsof-thenight]

Flashlight: chapter eighteen

Story summary: This is an AU Two years ago, the love of your life walked out the door, breaking your heart into a million pieces. He had been unable to deal with his ptsd and you hadn’t been able to help him.Now that your best friend is marrying his friend, he’s coming back to town and you try to brace yourself for the reunion. Will you finally get closure?

Ship: Bucky Barnes X Reader

Warnings: ptsd, angst, heartbreak, depression, infertility issues

Words: 3400

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As always a massive thank you to @beanstalk007 for proofreading!

Feedback is greatly appreciated! And if you want to get tagged, let me know.

Important notice: Unfortunately @beanstalk007​ ​ is unable to be my beta from this chapter forward, so I am looking for someone to help me out with the last few chapters of this story and perhaps other stories!

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Masterlist                                              Story Masterlist

***

When you came up with your current plan, you hadn’t realised just how difficult it would be to execute. The original choice had been easy, reasonable. The conversation that needed to be held was another story entirely. Which was why you were now standing outside of this apartment, with a whirlwind of emotions flooding your senses. Despite that, you knew you had to follow through with this plan of yours. And it was up to you to take that first step. With the conversations you’d had during the girls weekend still clear in your mind, it was obvious to you what step it had to be. That was why you took a few deep breaths to calm yourself, before finally knocking on the dark red door that blocked the apartment behind it from you.

When Pietro opened that door mere seconds later, you smiled at him, trying to appear brighter than you felt. He stepped aside with eyes full of compassion, or was it perhaps pity? You didn’t know, but either made sense. You just hoped for compassion. Compassion was easier to accept, than pity. Pity was for when you felt powerless and weak. This choice didn’t feel weak. Tough, definitely, but one fuelled by a strength you were only now rediscovering. He silently pulled you into a hug, holding you close for only a short moment before he walked towards the couch situated in the living room. There, he turned up the volume of the television and you chuckled. You knew, as he probably did, that the contents of the conversation that you were about to have would not remain a mystery to him for long. Still, you appreciated his attempt at giving you some privacy while you hashed out details with the man that was currently in the bedroom furthest from the living room.

Again you knocked, a blue door this time, and as Bucky opened up you immediately asked him if perhaps he was willing to talk. Bucky nodded and quickly stepped back into the room, scooping up some clothes that he had discarded on the floor. His bed was neatly made and he signalled with a wave of his arm that you could sit on it. After he dropped the pile of clothes in the hamper near the door, he sat on a dingy chair across from you - nervously wringing his hands.

With his stare directed to the floor between you two, you took a moment to take in his demeanour. His shoulders were hunched and his foot was rapidly tapping against the leg of the chair. He was nervous, worried even and you sighed at your instinct to put him at ease. You were dreading this conversation as much as he was, and in this moment you should perhaps focus on yourself instead of him and what his needs might be. Your heart was racing and your eyes pricked with unshed tears. It wasn’t the talk itself, the intent behind it was actually good. A solid idea for the near future. However, being near him was hard. It had only been one week since you last saw him and feelings were still very raw. There had not been remotely enough time to let your sadness settle.

“So-“ you began, trailing off immediately. Silently cursing at yourself as you struggled to find the right words to convey what you wanted to say. This silence was only making it far more awkward than necessary.

“Yeah,” Bucky mumbled, clearly not knowing what to say either. Which wasn’t that surprising, he had not been expecting you and didn’t know what you wanted to say.

“I know we’re supposed to create some distance,” you finally managed to say, “And I don’t want to ignore that.”

“But?” He interjected impatiently and you realised you were being vague and long winded. You needed to make this short and clear.

“We’re part of the same group of friends and neither one of us should have to walk away from that.”

The chair Bucky was sitting on creaked as he shifted. You looked at him and saw he was still wringing his hands repeatedly - the flesh one moving over the prosthetic one. Repressing the urge to grasp onto them, you cleared your throat and focussed on a spot on the wall on your left. His level of nervousness made you wonder if this was about the conversation or simply because of your presence. You truly didn’t know, which showed you just how out of touch you had become to what he needed. You couldn’t even be sure that it was nerves or another kind of unease. You had been making assumptions and again realised that this was bad for the both of you. You either needed to let him tell you how he felt, if he needed your help, or let him figure it out on his own. Good intentions only got you so far, strong communication would get you further.

“I still want us to be friends, at least,” you softly explained, suddenly afraid that he would reject your idea.

Bucky stood up suddenly, releasing a breath he had apparently been holding. He grabbed your hand and pulled you up into a tight hug.

“Thank god,” he mumbled, his lips close to your left ear and he held you close. His warm breath cascaded over your neck and caused goosebumps to erupt all over your body. “I couldn’t imagine life without you,” he whispered as he stepped back and you laughed, more out of relief than anything else.

“Think we can do it?” He then asked in all seriousness, looking into your eyes - something he had been avoiding up until that moment. Tears were brimming his eyes and you knew he saw the same with you.

Lately, Bucky had been so quiet about what he wanted or needed, that this confession shocked you a little. It was a clear declaration that soothed your nerves immensely, confirming that your connection since his return had not all been in your head. It wasn’t all based on your assumptions at least. Which was a good thing.

These past few months it had been so easy to fall back into a familiar routine together. One where words weren’t necessary, where you simply understood what the other wanted. Or thought you did anyway, because neither one of you was the same person as you had been all those years ago and by reverting to your old habits so quickly, you hadn’t taken the time to get to know the new version of the other. Sticking your head in the sand, to avoid those two long years where you had been separated. It was wise to get to know each other again and the person you had both become in the absence of your relationship.

“I just know I’m willing to try,” you finally said, taking a few steps back from him, despite the desire to remain in his arms forever.

Your heart was already aching from the nearness in such a short amount of time, it was really beating on you. As did the idea of the distance that would naturally grow between you from now on. Instantly you wondered if you were kidding yourself here. Could you simply be his friend and nothing more? You really didn’t know. What you did know was that you wanted him in your life in whatever capacity possible and you didn’t want to break up your group of friends. Still, he somehow already felt miles and miles away from you.

“Me too,” he agreed, a sad smile on his features and you almost stepped forward again to hug him close. Luckily you managed to stop yourself.

Bucky took a step back and moved to stand behind the chair he had been sitting on earlier. Holding onto the backrest, he seemed to be dealing with an internal struggle as he looked at the floor and shifted in place. He was clearly uneasy, but he wasn’t speaking and you didn’t ask. You did wonder if his instincts had been the same as yours, the wish for one more hug. For now, you knew it was easier -better- not to go there.

To ease the situation the best you could, you stepped towards the door with a last lingering smile and a wave goodbye, leaving his room and closing the door behind you. With your hand still on the doorknob, you took a moment to breathe in deeply and force the tears to remain at bay for a moment longer. When you were confident that you wouldn’t start balling at the sight of your friend in the living room, you walked back to the living room.

By the sudden jump it was clear that Pietro had been anxiously awaiting your return from Bucky’s room. Putting on a brave face, you smiled and bent down to kiss the top of his head, before walking to the front door and letting yourself out. You couldn’t stay there a moment longer. Once in the hallway, you sped up to your retreat. Forcing yourself not to flat out run, but walking really fast instead as you exited the building. You had a sudden, huge desire for fresh air.

When you finally made it to your parked car, you got in and allowed your tears to fall freely. You didn’t start driving for a while, waiting instead for the worst of your crying to subside so you could actually see the road again.

***

Placing the last plate in the cabinet above your kitchen counter, you sighed deeply. You were tired. It was finally Friday and the workweek had been horrendous. This was always the busiest time of the year, and usually you thrived with the pressure weighing on you, however with everything that had been going on, you weren’t able to manage quite as well. You couldn’t adjust to the added stress as well as you wanted to. You were always tired and your sadness was constantly crashing onto you in waves. It was overwhelming. You knew you needed to move, do something, but had little energy left after work to actually figure out what. And though you knew you needed to make a plan to kickstart your life again, all you really wanted by the time that you got home was to lay on the couch and watch some mind numbing tv. Or a sad movie and a good cry, that also seemed like a reasonable plan to you. Despite knowing that those things only helped temporarily.Then again, that had been your way of life for a while now, short term solutions.

It was only the third week since the therapy session that had changed your outlook on your current way of life and you were still trying to adjust to the realisations you had made that day. To make matters worse, you were having quite a bit of trouble navigating your own set rules. You wanted to be Bucky’s friend, truly. You wanted him in your life and yet, you were working surprisingly hard at avoiding him. It was still too hard, too fresh and entirely too painful. Therefore you had given yourself one more week to avoid him and everyone else, before you needed to put on your big-girl-pants.

Your behaviour hadn’t gone unnoticed to say the least. Wanda was worried, Nat had gotten stern with you and Maria was somewhere in-between the two. Even Bucky had sent you a message earlier that week, after cancelling last minute on an invitation of Maria for dinner. He had wondered if you perhaps wanted to take back what you had said. You had replied that this was not the case, that you were simply busy and would see them all soon. He hadn’t bothered you since, probably understanding that you needed some space. Though his concern had felt good, and that was confusing enough. You needed more time.

A knock on the door pulled you from your train of thoughts, dropping the cloth that you had used to wipe down the counter, you sighed and walked towards the front door. Whoever was on the other side was persistent, repeatedly knocking and increasing the loudness. You weren’t expecting anyone and with a heightened sense of annoyance, you finally opened the door. The annoyance - which most certainly made your face resemble grumpy cat - was short-lived once you saw who greeted you. In the hallway stood two of your favourite people, Wanda and Natasha. They were both clearly intoxicated, giggling and whispering loudly as only intoxicated people can, that they had wanted to surprise you.

Stepping aside to let them in, Wanda happily showed you the contents of her bag. Two bottles of wine. Raising an eyebrow you stared at her as she placed them on the coffee table. She then quickly strode into your kitchen, you assumed to grab glasses for the three of you. Turning back to Natasha you realised she was struggling to get inside. She was trying to carry a large contraption through the door. You laughed and helped her navigate through your doorway, hallway and into the living room. There she began her set-up in front of your tv, while Wanda made quick work of pouring drinks.

“Please tell me you didn’t drive here,” you said as you dropped down on the couch.

“Clint dropped us off,” Wanda explained as she sat down next to you.

You smiled with a nod, relieved, and turned your attention back to Natasha. Finally you noticed just what her contraption was. A writing board. Your office used them during training sessions, so someone could write down whatever people said during brainstorming. The large sheets of paper that were attached to the high stand were checkered and white. You realised its use in the office but wondered what they wanted with it in your home.

When Natasha was finally satisfied with its position in the room, she stood straight, sipped from her glass and presented it as if she had just showed you a wonderful powerpoint presentation. She waved her arms and exclaimed a ‘tadaa’. Perhaps, in her enthusiasm, she had forgotten that she was yet to inform you of the intentions behind their impromptu visit.

“WE,” she called loudly, pointing to Wanda and herself, “are here to help you devise a plan.”

“That’s wonderful,” you chuckled, “And for what exactly?”

“To get you back on track,” Wanda offered with a broad smile, while Natasha retrieved a large black marker from her pocket. Using a large but clear font, she wrote on the top of the first sheet: Y/N’s one year plan.

“One year huh?” You were terrified of the mere idea of thinking that far ahead. Still you recognised the effort they had put into this for you and you did not want to dismiss it.

“We’ll start small and grow from there,” Natasha elaborated with a smile and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Small? I have trouble thinking a week ahead right now, let alone a year,” you confessed and Wanda squeezed your hand.

“That’s because you’re wandering aimlessly, we’re going to change that tonight! Add some direction,” Natasha said, “Tell me something you have always wanted to do.”

Natasha stood beside the board, ready to write your ideas down, marker at the ready. She was probably expecting something to fall from your lips instantly, but you couldn’t think of anything at all. What did you want? Did you even know anymore? Finally, after a few moments of silence, Natasha capped the marker again and sat down on the coffee table, facing you and taking your hand in hers. Wanda topped off your glasses and for a while after that the three of you just talked. No expectations, no planning, just you airing your heart and them offering nothing but the immense kindness that they held in their hearts.

When the conversation finally lead to your job, you complained about the stress of it and the never relenting demands it placed on you. Wanda was quick to question if perhaps it was time for something new. A little confused you stopped talking. You had been in the same job for years now and at first you had looked for other options, but you had become complacent.

“You haven’t been happy in that job for a while now,” Wanda said, “Perhaps you should try and figure out what would be a fun new experience.”

“One that pays at least as well as this one, otherwise it’s bye bye to this apartment,” you joked. You knew she was right, but it was a scary thought. Change wasn’t something you wanted to seek out.

“Would you stop worrying for one moment and just look into it? You don’t need to take any further action if you don’t want to, but don’t dismiss it out of fear,” Natasha scolded and you smiled, she was right two of course, you did let fear get the best of you. Often.

When you had been a child, no task had seemed too big or insurmountable. Everything new was simply exciting, every challenge an adventure. As you got older that changed and the past few years it had been all but gone from your personality. You wondered if you could ever get it back, or at least some portion of it. With your ability to oversee consequences far better then when you had been a child, you would most likely never be quite as free again, but you didn’t need to be. You just wanted to live.

Natasha stood up from the table and took her marker out again, writing down: exploring the job market. She also added travel in parentheses behind it. You laughed, she really did know you well. As a teenager you had always thought that was the business you’d end up in, in some shape or form. But after college, jobs have been scarce and you have been all too happy to find the job that you had. And it had been a good job, it just wasn’t your dream job and if you had the opportunity to find just that, you would be insane to walk away from it. You would just have to start looking again.

With your first point out of the way, the three of you got in a groove. Spouting off ideas left and right, and Natasha writing them all down. No matter how crazy they were. From going to a ballet recital, to theatre, bungee jumping, parachuting - those were a little out there- you were having fun. There were some more serious ideas as well; working as a tour guide in the city, finding a new gym and book a holiday. Finally, when there was a list of ten-something points, Natasha asked you about old and current hobbies. You snorted, current hobbies? Did lounging on the couch and watching tv count? They didn’t seem legitimate options, no matter how comfortable they were.

“What about your photography?” Natasha wondered and Wanda immediately got giddy, she had always loved your photos.

You shrugged, unsure. Photography had been something you had loved doing in both high school and college. But with work and life demanding more from your time, you had finally left it behind years ago. You wondered if it was something you could just go back to. It had always been fun to do, relaxing, since there were no expectations, no pressure. You’d just walk around and shoot whatever you came across. Some days that meant hundreds of pictures and other days you had none. Both had been fine with you.

“Why don’t we go for a walk tomorrow,” Wanda offered, “It’s fun and you can maybe take some pictures, or not, whatever you want.”

You smiled and took her up on her offer for a walk. And with that the night had come to an end, all three of you yawning but content with the results. Natasha called Clint and he quickly came to pick them up. You waved them off, watching Clint carry everything down as Nat and Wanda linked arms and skipped in front of him. He chuckled and looked back at you, you shared a laugh, before you closed the door. With a smile you went off to bed, feeling lighter than you had in weeks.

***

Chapter nineteen

[shark-myths]

5 Characters

@alienfuckeronmain and @newleafover tagged me to list 5 chars I relate to, and I am challenging myself NOT to use pete wentz, because I recognize he is a living human being and not a “character” or whatever

1. Bagheera from The Jungle Book

Bagheera is the classic harried earth sign who has to desperately chase after the people he loves shouting “CAREFUL JESUS CHRIST” and losing sleep over his worries, while everyone else is carefree and blissing cuz bagheera’s gonna take care of everything for them, so why stress? I make the same face he does when I’m desperately trying not to say “I told you so.” We have matching ulcers

2. Breq from Ancillary Justice

I too am a robot programmed for some other function, overly rigid and trying to make things work in this world of frustrating humans, and ending up entrenched in positions I don’t even want to be holding because I get myself so stuck and doubling down on ethics at every opportunity

3. Leslie Knope

like Leslie, I am a terrifying whirlwind of accomplishment. with color-coordinated binders. if I seem cheerful, it’s just the tremendous energy. stand back: I’m trying to get something done. but I am capable of enough generosity to see the best in almost anyone, and I’m constantly weeping over how beautiful my friends are and how good they smell

4. Judy Hopp

the nicest thing my mother has ever said about me is “you’ve always been a protector.” I sobbed nonstop through Zootopia. Judy is the best fucking part of me

5. Tony Stark

BISEXUAL TRASHPRINCE OF RECURSIVE SELF-OBSESSION, EMOTIONALLY STUNTED AND UNABLE TO TAKE HIS HANDS OUT OF HIS OWN WOUNDS, USES ALCOHOL TO MANAGE HIS ANXIETY AND NAVIGATE HIS RELATIONSHIPS, LITERALLY BUILDS SUITS OF ARMOR TO HELP HIM FEEL IN CONTROL OF SOME SCRAP OF THE TERRIFYING DANGEROUS WORLD THAT HAS HURT HIM, THINKS HE’S POISON FOR THE PEOPLE HE LOVES, MAKES EVERYONE’S DECISIONS FOR THEM TO KEEP THEM SAFE, BUYS MEANINGLESS OFFERINGS WHEN HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO VULNERABLY SAY I’M SORRY. never says no to anything and will believe anything, except something good you have to say about him. brain works too fast for him to experience peace or stillness in this world. so so embarrassing. loud. cannot dance.

this was so fun! I tag any of my lovelies who are so inclined, esp @glitterandrocketfuel @allkindsofplatinumandpercocet and @leyley09

[dr-reid]

Forbidden

Summery: Spencer falls down the slippery slope of being in love with someone he shouldn't be. 

It was about 3 am when Spencer turned to the left side of his bed to check the clock. It was torturous trying to go sleep, he had tried everything, but alas here he was unable to close his eyes long enough to doze off. As he lay on his back he blankly stared at the white ceiling in his dark bedroom, he knew what was keeping him up. It was you.

For weeks now Spencer had been hung up on you, on every detail about you, but most importantly his feelings for you. It hadn’t started out that way, not even close. Spencer could still clearly remember when he first met you; it was quick as there wasn’t much time for introductions. The team was being thrown into another whirlwind of a case, another killer, and another city.

The introduction was brief, quick and to the point. “Hi, my name is Y/N, you must be Spencer?” you said with a smile on your face. “Yes, nice to meet you.”

There was nothing different about that day, or the next, or the day after. But it was after you had been on the team for a couple of weeks; you walked into the office in a hurry setting your stuff down quickly. It wasn’t long before Derek noticed something on your finger, “Oh, oh are you actually going to settle down” he said pointing to your left hand.

“It’s already done, tied the knot yesterday” you said happily. “Well then congratulations to you” Derek said.

Spencer couldn’t help but notice you that day, your hair, your smile, and your silly loud laugh. Every little thing you did drew his attention, but still he let it go.

But after that day there were times he caught him self always looking towards you, noticing some of your little habits, finding them endearing. It was as if there was this light glowing around you at all times and Spencer couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. It felt like nonsense, so once again he decided it was best to let it go. 

Then you began talking to him, small conversations at first, which led to finding similarities, which led even more conversations. Small detail, after detail soon he had come to know about you than anyone else on the team. It was hard for him to not be happy around you, he felt as if your smile was contagious. The way you threw your head back laughing or rolled your eyes playfully. 

Time did not exist with you around; there was never enough of it. That’s when he could no longer deny it; there was something there.

 But suddenly it hit him; he could never be with you regardless of how he felt for you. You were off limits. You belonged to some one else, you always would. How could he think you would ever look at him in any other way? You we’re married, there was no changing that. Even after realizing that Spencer still felt the same way he couldn’t let it go.

It was wrong, there was no question about that Spencer felt guilty just thinking about you. But it was as if you were haunting him, which is how he ended up here at 3 am sleeplessly thinking about you. 

In the last couple of week you had become closer, and closer till it was obvious boundaries and lines we’re being blurred. It was hard to act normal around you when Spencer’s heart was beating out of his chest and his mind was racing with a million different things he wanted to tell you but couldn’t.

Even with knowing how wrong it was, how he shouldn’t get even closer, still he wasn’t able to back off. It was little things, like getting far to close or holding your hands, looking into your eyes a little longer than most times, staying up talking to you. 

Even though Spencer knew about him, you never mentioned him, not once. There was never any reference him, it was as if he didn’t exist you made it feel that way for Spencer. Which made it easier to forget, to get closer and closer to you as if there was nothing stopping him from doing so.  

It didn’t take long for everyone else to notice the way you acted around each other, it drew everyone’s attention. No one wanted to bring it up, the way you both we’re so playful around each other. Constantly making everyone around you feel like the third wheel or as if they didn’t belong between the both of you.

“Spence, you have to do something this can’t go on forever” JJ finally said confronting Spencer, “Tell her, get it over with.” Those words continued to echo in his mind get it over with, he had too for his own sanity.

 So one day as you both carried on a normal conversation Spencer took a deep breathe and finally said it, “Y/N, I can’t do this anymore. I’m crazy about you and this is hard enough on me, my feelings have gotten out of control.”

And they had grown out of his control, there was no way to stop them no way to be sure he could act rational around you. “Spence, I’m married….”

 “Then maybe it’s time we stopped this, Y/N” Spencer wanted you to say no, to disagree to finally admit how you felt about him so he waited but that answer never came so he had no choice but to walk away.

TAGS: @reiding-and-writing @arizonalovesher @sithlordalice@queenelsaschuyler@thosefantasticbeast2 @obsessed-with-book-boyfriends @baerrylll@matthewgublers@valiantlyprofoundcheesecake @elyse121303 @mermaid-princess-wannabe@thecrownssmith @bolieve-that @angel-hunter-winchester@wundterwall@crimindsaspe @spencerreidtrash @socialscratch @okimdiya @bigcmfan@frickin-bats @coffeeismylife28 @riddle-me-bliss @lalakawe@devilgirlsarah@milkandcookies528 @pack-omega @cranky-blue-boy @do-i-really-know@heatherpotter @thegublerfiles @exitthevehiclenow @sassesu@crimindsaspe@amarislestrange

[angelwings998]

I bring you; a Rigel WIP that I've been trying to finish, but the art block been vicious. He belongs to @/logicpng. Yap under cut.

. .

I'm going to go back and render more detailed shadows and stuff when I feel better. Little blorbo here is actually based off some dialogue from the Ukagaka and a tad bit of info that said that they could wear different clothing. My style has progressed since this; but I like it enough to finish it when I have the space. This has honestly been one of the only pieces I have consistently come back to because I love him and want to give him his own little piece. He has 2 dates because I started him in July of this year; and have unfortunately not been able to give him the time I'd like to. I've been wanting to finish him before I post him; but perfection isn't a great long term goal else he'd never be here.

Also working on an Aldebaran piece, coming atcha whenever I can figure out hands again. And clothes. And-