#I am a practical thinker but Graystripe thinks w his heart

[m1smatched-starsigns]

My father was in the military so even though I have always had a very strong bond to my mother’s side of the family, we moved a lot when I was a child and we never lived close to her family. When his contract ended we moved five minutes away from all of her family, and I swore that I would never move again. I loved my town, loved my state, loved the friends I had made over the last decade, but more than anything else I loved my family. 

Then I met my husband. I have never loved anyone like I love him. We would do anything for each other. Less than a year after we married, we made the difficult decision to move to his hometown- 6 hours away from mine. There were several reasons why, and they were all for our benefit. I knew this, know this. It does not change the fact that for nearly three years, I have been homesick. 

I see my family often, all things considered; once a month, maybe once every other month. They’re good about driving to meet us, too. I talk to a lot of them several times a week. We stay updated and connected to each other on social media. Most of the time it still does not feel like enough. My husband has seen me struggle with depression and extreme loneliness these last three years; two weeks after we moved states is when the entire country went into the first COVID-19 lockdown and it was impossible to meet new people, even our neighbors. He has admitted to me several times that he feels like he ruined my life by us moving states, even though it was my decision to make, and I stand by the fact that it was the best decision for us. I’ve never wavered on that. I’ve just had to deal with the emotional consequences. 

Like I said, I still see my family as often as I am able to, and my husband has never held me back. I’ve developed a bond with his family, who we now live five minutes away from. I have a new job that I love, I’ve finally made new friends; I’m even going out with some of them tonight to celebrate a birthday. 

I am still homesick. If I weren’t such a practical thinker, I would move back ‘home’ today. If the cons didn’t outweigh the pros I would have moved back three years ago. And as ashamed as I am to admit this to myself, there have been days when I’ve been so miserable that I thought I could move even if my husband didn’t come with me. I miss my family, my hometown. I’ve missed so many huge milestones; birthdays, cousins being born, cousins graduating, two of my youngest brothers are about to graduate high school and I’ve never had the chance to go to one of their band concerts, which they’re very both passionate about. Even though no one has ever called me these things, I have felt like a terrible daughter, a terrible sister, a terrible cousin, a terrible friend. And then on the days when I think that I’m so homesick that I could move back without my husband, I feel like a terrible partner.

And so right now I can relate to Graystripe move than almost any other character, because I fully understand being so homesick that I could abandoned people who I should not be able to even fathom living without. Right now I can say that I will never make the same decision, but our circumstances are also very different, as are our societies. 

But I can understand the want. I can understand the depression, the loneliness, the constant ‘did I make the right decision?’. I can understand wanting to follow your heart but which side of your heart do you follow because it’s being torn in two? You can’t have both so which side can you truly not live without? Which side is best for you? Which side is best for your children, who will be well-loved and protected with or without you? 

I get it. I also get why Graystripe is a sometimes controversial and triggering character. And I don’t love every aspect of his story, I don’t love that he went on to become Firestar’s deputy, I don’t love a lot of his choices or reactions. But at least when he is in RiverClan to be with his kits but he wants to return to ThunderClan to be with his best friend and his family, a family he never considered leaving until tragedy struck... that hits hard for me. And I get it.

Anyway feel free to tell me the character that you most relate to, whether it’s a popular choice or not lol. anon asks are turned on!

That awkward moment when you’re doing some serious self-reflection and you realize that the character you most relate to rn is Graystripe.

So. If y’all see me publish another long one-shot and it’s Graystripe-centric, mind your business. It’s called coping.