#I always feel insecure inviting ppl to things like uncertain if they actually want to come / if they actually like me

[julykings]

one area of my life / self i rly want to work on is my insecurity in friendships . like i have to defeat that general feeling that the people who i want to spend time with actually don’t like me . lol

[scaltrite]

yeah so a girl at my college found my tumblr but i wanna talk abt stuff so i guess im doing it here now bc i dont have the courage to block her for reasons i will now explain

like?? i met this girl and i was like oh shit she seems so cool and so cute and i wanted so badly to be in her group of friends and bro i been trying so hard to be One of them but i just KNOW im not.....like maybe they dont necessarily hate me but im definitely not Desired there which sucks bc theyre the closest thing i have to friends in college......and i just see them spontaneously (or not, how would i know) going out together or hanging in each others rooms and im so JEALOUS and insecure and i hate who i am when i feel that way. i thought i had finally drawn a hard line with myself this one night when like.....they kept doing this thing (specifically that girl i met the first day and this guy who i thought actually liked being around me) where they would put their finger up like #1 whenever i said anything bc they made a "list" where i was number 1 and they told everyone what it was but specifically said not to tell me.....and yes that could easily be a joke, i have made worse jokes with my friends, but im so uncertain with my place with them that i wasnt sure if it was even meant to be a joke.....like are they laughing at me or with me.... then later that night my roommates and that one dude were hanging out in my room while the first girl i met and the others went to get a board game, when suddenly he looks at his phone, says "theyre here!" and runs out the room, and when i look down the hall Girl1 and her best friend and Dude are running into the elevator and i said "why are you ditching me" and they just laughed and said "GO!!" and left.....and that got me SO upset i really wanted to go back to my room and just cry forever bc WOW that could not have made it more clear to me that they hate me like ik im mean but thats some shit i wouldnt have even done to my closest friends. but i just sat there the whole night trying not to cry bc my roommates were still there... then they text me asking to come down to the 5th floor and im so fucking whipped bc im lonely and i have no friends so i go and they just give me a gummy bear and leave and im like. i know im a terrible person but i feel like this isnt a Friendly kind of Prank..... then Dude texts me like come outside we promise we wont run away and something kinda snaps in me like god FUCK you guys i might rather be alone than this fuckimg bullshit and in my head i felt like a line was just drawn like i cant be friends with these people i cant keep this bullshit up. anyways that was all one night. the next night i go out with some other ppl bc im feeling like shit and when i come back Girl1 and her best friend are drinking and the latter is WASTED and Girl1 sure isnt sober and im feeling so awful so im like well i can fake friendship for one more night if it means i can get alcohol. then Girl1 tells me she has a crush on me? and im .....yikes.....so i pretend i didnt remember anything bc i was drunk.....but then she asks me out sober,...and i said yes bc shes cute and my brains like "this is ur way in!" but its been a week and im remembering the way her and all those people made me feel and it just doesnt make sense? like she was nice sometimes SOMETIMES she invited me out somewhere just us but i always ended up being busy but otherwise? there were absolutely no cues to her liking me and im pretty good at reading people....like was all of that shit supposed to be bc she liked me? bc i didnt pick up on that at ALL plus nothings changed about how she or anyone else acts with me? i have even less of a good feeling abt her bc her and her bestfriend didnt say hi to my friends from home when i passed them in the dining hall and said "oh go say hi to my friends! theyre over there!" and they didnt smile at them or say hi when we passed them again later....im starting to think this is all a big prank.....our first date is this tuesday but im honestly expecting to be stood up or led into a dark alley to be beat up deadass