#I also mean this for myself I’m going to try to be more diligent about tagging my posts

[tuliptic]

Crazy Form: My Ego's In This Show

First PAC of the year!! When in real I've been working on it since last year lmAO.

My main personality is peaking through this blog again cuz Ateez is back with another banger and as an Atiny, it’s my calling to do this. This reading is gonna be slightly different imo, tho I have no idea how to phrase myself on how different it is.

Most of us, if not all, have a certain side to us that can be considered crazy. The definition of crazy differs according to people and context, where some can be out of control, unbelievable, mad, or just enthusiastic. One person’s craziness is just another person’s normal, so just treat it as… How you want it to be. 

To me, this song yells about being yourself, not confining yourself to the social structure and expectations of the world. They might think we’re crazy but there’s nothing wrong with being yourself as long as you’re not harming anyone. Just close your eyes and not look if things are not to your liking, and steer away from me. Leave me alone, I don’t mind.

As usual, you can meditate before you pick a pile. However, for this reading, I’d say go for the one you first focused on, as craziness can be spontaneous. Found your pile? Let’s go see what our Crazy Form has for us!

Pile 1 - Pile 2

Pile 3 - Pile 4

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. Also, I do not consent to my work or images being used by third parties on this platform or other websites as well.

Decks used: Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Linestrider Tarot Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1

A card to represent you: Death

For some reason I see you as someone who prolly is into the punk genre? Something metal? You’re constantly transforming yourself, trying new things, finding your way throughout the world probably through means that are not well received by others. Weirdly the word osmosis came to mind? You tend to throw yourself into the exact situation to learn and understand why people react a certain way. It sounds cool, but to people around you, they think you’re out of your mind cuz it could mean that you may go to the extremes to get the experience you want. But to you, you prolly feel proud of it cuz you are constantly growing at an astounding speed.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Three of Wands rx

You tend to not credit yourself? It’s giving me the feeling that you tend to look at things from the sidelines, may it be your success or achievements. You don’t mind the credits, but to others they’ll get mad cuz you were not credited accordingly. They tend to not understand why you’d let your work get taken away or used (I think the same too). This appears to be a mystery to people around you, but you know what you want, so you’re chill with it. It’s giving me the feeling where you do things to gain experience and to build yourself, not to gain recognition. May be wrong here, but you know yourself best. OvO

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Seven of Pentacles

You already chose to not take credits over your own work, and it will drive people crazy that whatever you’re doing is not the peak. You’re currently doing things at your own pace, to figure things out as you go. One day, when you decide to unlock a passion and work on it diligently, yet continuing to not take any credits for yourself, the people around you will flip. You know about this, but you’ve surrounded yourself with people who support your vision and share your values, they who believe that you’ll be able to create your own legacy sky. For some of you, you may also feel that it’s weird if you choose to take credit. Maybe it’s because there’s more than what is seen by the eyes in the material realm. For some reason I’m thinking of Saturn energy here, so some of you may be Saturn dominant.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - Justice rx

What I’m feeling from here is that you can use this to get out of situations, especially unfair situations. It can sound pretty mean but if things take a bad turn, you, being in no leadership role, can get out of it. This is also one of the reasons you dislike assuming the leadership position. To some, you may like assuming the leader position, but you’re not given the chance or you’re currently not there yet to take on the role. You’re also the type who likes to explore stuffs and hence, you have the skills and ability to venture into anything else new that you are interested in. The world is wide and there are a lot of things for you to try, and you probably go crazy with everything you wanna try, ignoring how small your plate can be.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - Queen of Pentacles

For some reason, the word “connection” came out pretty strong. Networking and connection was the first to pop up in my head. Y’know how people have been told to separate work life and personal life? That’s not what you’ll do, probably. You make friends and create connections through work, and they slowly become part of your personal life as well. I think this is a charm of yours where you are just capable of creating new bonds because of your comforting presence and of your communication skills. You don’t necessarily need to be very protective or nurturing; people just find you comfortable to talk to and the new friendship starts to grow from there. Eventually, they become part of your life even though you may not remain in the same workplace.

Overall energy: Justice, Six of Swords rx

I like how Justice came out twice for you, signifying that it’s a strong theme. Justice could mean being fair, but to me, it also talks about being critical in both mind and action. You possess a mind that’s sharp, where you can see and evaluate the various situations that you’re in, noticing details that many people don’t. It’s like… You’re being guided through all of these so you’re able to throw yourself into as many passion projects as you like. However, remember to keep things in moderation else you’ll feel the burn-out or you’ll get overwhelmed with everything going on. Take care.

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Pile 2

A card to represent you: The Hanged Man rx

This card in reverse usually talks about delays, resistance, and even self sacrificing too much. Have you been doing so? Have you been creating a lot of inner tension within yourself, where you try to maintain the exterior peace of the environment and ignore the need of your own inner peace? Remember that external peace isn’t your peace, and that you need to take care of your own needs as well, as you’re in charge of whatever that’s in your life. There are a lot of other ways to maintain a balance out there, you just need to review your priorities and how you’d want to execute it.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? -  Three of Cups

Socialisation is the first word that came into my mind. There’s a high chance that you’re an extrovert, where you gain energy by being around people. Not exactly a party animal kinda feeling, but more of a… Vibe assimilation? It’s like, you throw yourself into a place with a good vibe and you kinda absorb the good vibe and make yourself feel better with it. Once you’re feeling better, you feel that you’re more prepared to face whatever problems you were facing. It’s also the other way round, where you give out good vibes and fun times to those around you who are having a hard time. But also, you need to be aware if this is their preferred love language or you may not be helping them the way they need it.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Page of Cups rx

Are you a romantic? Cuz this card here is giving me this vibe. It feels like… You’re a romantic in heart, where your heart is open to love as it manifests into the world. Take this as a reminder to not go wild. You can fall in love deep and quick, and can jump to new relationships easily. To you, you just view love as love, and you think it’s alright to get into or break off relationships cuz you’re loyal to love. However, a relationship doesn’t work only on love, but also responsibilities, loyalty, and a lot of other aspects. Ground yourself, find out what is it that you want by getting into relationships. From there, only you figure out how you can work things out without potentially harming other people in the relationship.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - Wheel of Fortune rx

I feel that with your Crazy Form, you are very capable of changing the courses of lives. Plural. It’s not only your life that you’re changing, where you learn through the relationships and experiences you’ve gone through; but also the lives of others who have been in relationships with you, where they may learn a thing or two, or even have problems with the idea of “love”.  You know that you’re the co-creator of your life and destiny, but also, you need to be aware of the impact you have, how you can also change the lives of others for the better. You now know you have the power, how you’re gonna use it is now up to you.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - The Devil, Page of Swords

You can be the Devil, where you can draw out the worst possible potential in someone; or you can also be the Messenger, where you share your knowledge and wisdom to those who are interested in them. There’s a lot you can achieve, but ultimately, it depends on which path you want to tread on. You, Pile 2, you know you’re fire, you know you can warm people or burn them. I don’t want to repeat things but yeah. You can make a name for yourself, may it be in a nice light or a not-nice light. Whatever you choose, make sure you think through the consequences of your actions, and if you’re alright or satisfied with the outcome. 

Overall energy: Temperance rx, Four of Wands

Overall speaking, there’s a lack of balance in this pile. It feels like the energy is scattered, and that now you’re taking your time to piece the puzzles (scattered energy, self-expectations, better understanding of yourself)  into a nice and harmonious picture (you). You are searching for a community where you are comfortable with, you can work together with. I don’t think this pile has much difficulties in self-acceptance, but if you do, do work on them as it could be your greatest challenge. Once you’re through that?  You’ll be surprised by how much power you have.

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Pile 3

A card to represent you: The Hierophant

I… Am conflicted with how I should word myself. The Hierophant is usually related with traditional and conventional methods. There’s a hint of tradition here, but what I’m feeling is more of a… Fusion? It’s like you’re working with whatever and whichever part of the tradition you agree with, and mixing it with something else to have a new blend. This is you. You are good at combining the best of both worlds to bring forth something new that is comforting to you and the people around you. You may also have been told that you have a healing presence? Or you’re working on your inner healing right now, especially childhood trauma. 

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Ten of Wands rx

The way you willingly and fearlessly take up responsibilities is what people (including myself) think is crazy about you. Most people will consider and ponder, weighing the pros and cons before deciding if they wanna take up the responsibility to take up something or anything. But for you, it’s like you have some sort of blind faith that you’ll be able to do things and hence, you take up the responsibility. You also have almost no fear in showing or exposing your vulnerability. You understand that being vulnerable doesn’t necessarily mean weak, and you honour that part of you, showing it and proving that being vulnerable doesn’t mean you can’t achieve things.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Four of Pentacles rx

You’re actually… restraining yourself a lot. Unknown to the people around you (or even yourself), you have always felt the need to exert control over particular things, or even other people, but especially yourself. The controlling side of yours is due to the insecurities that you’ve experienced, probably as a kid, where you need to have a certain control over situations so that you can be assured of your self value. You probably have gone through child trauma and do not hold trust in the world, nor in people around you, which led to you wanting to be in charge of things so you can exert dominance to make sure you’re not on the passive or losing end.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - The Magician rx, Five of Cups rx

You can use that controlling energy and redirect them to some other things, such as creativity expressions (creating new things to have fun) or even focusing on healing past traumas. All of these require a lot of energy and time, which is something really suitable for you to work on as you expand not only your views on things, but also to learn acceptance and to be kinder to yourself. Expansion is a huge theme where you need to find things out and figure them out as you journey in life. There’s a lot of time for you to figure things out, so it’s best to not rush and learn to take things at your own pace.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - Eight of Pentacles

Success is guaranteed if you put your energy in the right things. You’ll be able to become the pinnacle in whatever fields you have decided to step into. The tenacity you have, the diligence and hard work you’ve put into curating your portfolio and honing your skills will be well repaid in the forms of success, achievements, recognition and even power. However, there’s a need to maintain balance in all things, and to continue striving and improving. Know that you’ll need to constantly learn how to change your controlling energy to something that’s more… beneficial? Something that can help you (and/or the people you care for) in the long run. 

Extra cards: Five of Pentacles

An extra message for you right now is that you still will need to go through some things before you reach there. You’re still in the process of learning, and you’ll face your own trials soon enough. You need to be aware of your own mindset, your own actions; only then you’ll be able to make the necessary changes for you to be able to unlock your highest potential. Your guides are also actively sending you messages. Trust in your guts, your feelings, your guides; they’re your strongest compass and confidant.

Overall energy: Death, The Star

This pile focuses a lot on the importance of change, and how it’s capable of making your life better or worse. However, it also reassures that there’s a silver lining within every dark cloud. There may be a sense of defeat for some who chose this pile, but it is also a sign of telling, where you’re called to surrender the old and limiting beliefs before you can be reborn into limitless possibilities. The process of being reborn is not easy, and you will need help around you to go through those times. Not saying that you can’t handle everything alone, but getting help and assistance from people around you, especially those who are close to you can help you and make your life so much easier. So why go through the long-winded route?

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Pile 4

A card to represent you: The Emperor

I’m getting a… Growl? People probably paint you as dominant or domineering at times (or most of the time). You may have a stronger masculine energy, even if you identify as some other genders. There’s this fire energy that feels like Scorpio as well, where people (including your subordinates and to some extent, friends) may feel afraid. Some of you are aware of this and are pleased with this, but some of you are unaware of this trait of yours. You can choose to either work on it and be a benevolent king, or you can be a tyrant. The choice is yours, you are who you want to become.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Temperance, Two of Pentacles

You’re able to remain your balance amidst the changes that are happening around you. There’s just this… Stability in you that assures the people around you. Pluto is in Capricorn and it’s about to enter Aquarius for good. We have seen how things changed around us, and how there were more… THings that have been constantly happening. Yet, even with the never-ending chaos, you still manage to keep your emotions and rationality at a healthy level. You know that you rely not only on yourself, but also your dreams and your spirit’s energy to reach your highest good. But still, you achieving this is just insane in many people’s eyes.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - King of Swords rx

People are seeing the balanced side of you at the moment, but they probably have not thought of you being a person who focuses more on the mind than the emotional side. You probably have the habit of noticing the slightest things, and you’re very capable of putting the small pieces together to form the bigger picture. If anyone ever wrongs you, this side of yours will appear and will probably mess up their life cuz they messed yours. You do put in effort in keeping this side of yours aside as you’re very much intending on keeping things civil.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - The Chariot

If you ever wanted to take over the corporate business, you’re very capable of doing so. Take the wheel, steer to where you want to head to, and hit the gas. You will not be lost as long as you are sure of where you’re going. Also, because of this introspective side of yours, you can help a lot of those who are in need. I’m somehow seeing you piecing up information to gather evidence against domestic violence cases. You are willing to help, as long as they ask. The same goes to you, where you’ll also receive help from the universe when you ask for them. You just seem to be in sync with divine timing, which is something you can pay attention to.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - The High Priestess rx

I am very tempted to say that you’ll end up losing your feminine and intuitive side, but there’s more to it. Sure, there may be chances of you straying away from the quieter side of you, but it is also a chance for divine intervention where your guides are re-introducing you the importance of your feminine side, showing you how being in-tune with your emotions can bring you to places you’ve never thought of, to bring your the emotional fulfilment that you’ve never imagined. More importantly, it’s an opportunity for you to learn the importance of stability and sustainability, and make sure that whatever you do and learn is gonna be part of your life, part of your identity.

Overall energy: The Hanged Man rx, The Tower rx

There’s quite some blockage here that you’re facing, where you may feel challenged with everything that’s happening around you. Remember that you’re not in control of everything around you, that things happen for a reason, and that it’s okay to go along the flow from time to time. The Universe is trying to guide you to where you’re supposed to be, so stop being stubborn and learn to accept things for the time being. At least, until you’re strong enough to go against what you’ve decided to fight. You’re meant to do great things, to achieve so much more in life. But first, you need to learn to accept your flaws and the harsh reality, only then you can be sure of what you want to rebel against.

[junosmindpalace]

Hey! I'm a long time reader of yours. I'm finding myself real down on my luck lately, and life has been kicking my ass (medical school, and this flu season amongst other things). May I request headcanons of Gen or Ukyo taking care of a sick reader?

hello hello!! i’m very grateful that you’ve stuck around and enjoy my writing!  i’m so sorry to hear life hasn’t been treating you so good, and i hope things pick up for you soon :( 

gen or ukyo…why not both!

GEN ASAGIRI

Depending on the severity of your sickness, Gen may initially be a little reluctant to be around you. 

He’s a bit of a drama queen, swooning over how sad it is that you’re in such a state, worrying about whether or not he’ll catch anything from you, teasing that he should keep his distance. 

Yet when your unimpressed features finally send the messages that his jokes and attitudes weren’t all that funny, he sobers up and truly is one of the most committed to looking after you out of everyone in the camp. 

He truly and honestly worries about you; he hates seeing you in such distress, and though subconsciously he may also want to save his own skin and comfort by averting his eyes, he forces himself to stay by you for both your sakes. 

Especially if your sickness is something that can evolve to be life threatening, he’ll stay by your bedroll all night if it means giving himself some peace of mind. 

He acts as a messenger between you and the rest of the Kingdom of Science. Anything you want or need, Gen is immediately out to ask someone to bring it over, or he’s going off to retrieve it himself. 

He brings meals to your bed(roll) and insists he feeds you, even when you tell him he doesn’t need to. 

He’s surprisingly diligent and mindful of your body; he thinks to put a soothing cloth on your skin for some relief, and takes care to change it regularly. He’s quiet when he moves around, so as to not disturb you while you attempt to rest and dull the ache in your head.

When you’re up for it, Gen most likes to talk you out of hyper fixating on your pain. He’ll complain about people and complain about tasks they force him to undertake, always in a theatrical way that makes you chuckle, which reassures him greatly.

Sometimes he may even pull out some of his magic tricks to amuse you. If not tricks, then regular games of cards and showcases of all the flowers he managed to find and pick and preserve. 

Most of the time when he’s in your company, however, he’s trying to busy himself one way or another. Sitting and staring at your weakening state for too long makes him nervous. He feels the need to pace, to do something. 

Overall, tries to continue acting like his arrogant self, but his actions give away his concern, and he’s more than relieved when you recover from your ailment. 

UKYO SAIONJI 

Ukyo, in many ways, is incredibly similar to Gen, just without the arrogance and dramatics and more concern instead. 

It’s hard for him to hide behind a smile like Gen does, however; when it comes to you, his emotions are kind of plain to see, almost impossible to hide. He’ll give you reassuring squeezes of the hand or shoulder, laugh with you and offer all his support, but you can tell the whole thing makes him uneasy, and when he isn’t wearing a smile for your sake, he’s silently grieving your condition (especially if it appears life threatening). 

So you’ll both need some comforting, perhaps a squeeze of his shoulder in order to get his tension to diffuse just the slightest bit. But Ukyo is always there to pull you out of your misery with reassurances that the sickness won’t last forever, and that you’ll recover soon enough, reborn into a stronger body (and mind). 

In the meantime, he does what he can for you. He takes over your chores, brings you your meals, and stands by you with his bow at night; just in case. 

Conversation is the main way he attempts to get your mind off your sickness. Talking about himself, updating you on the day’s happenings, asking questions about you and the things you like--anything and everything if it means keeping you as spirited as possible. It’s also a subconscious reassurance for himself that you show potential in recovery. 

He also works closely beside Senku and the other villagers who closely monitor your condition and attempt to help you recover through whatever means they can think up (or invent). Though he may not know all the science behind the recovery methods, he’ll recommend remedies from his own experience and ask questions as to what he can do in order to best support you.

When you do eventually recover, he’s just as bright and cheery (and perhaps even relieved) as you are, though he may remain a little more protective of you than normal, not wanting you to contract a similar ailment.

[doberbutts]

I just wanted to say thank you for a refreshing take on the “you shouldn’t write [demographic] if you’re not [demographic]” thing! I once saw someone say that people who aren’t gay men should never write stories that touch on the experiences/struggles of gay men, and I just can’t agree? I’m a gay man myself and while I’m always going to be excited about stories that touch on those topics that are written by gay men, I’m also going to be excited about those kinds of stories if they’re written by other people! Sure, they may not get everything correct, but if they’re committed to accurately portraying the experiences of gay men, then I don’t see what the problem is. They’re learning and taking care to understand an experience that isn’t theirs. And if they’re just writing a fictional story, then it’s not like they’re trying to say they’re an Expert/Official Voice of the experience?

Obviously there are many people who don’t do their due diligence in writing certain experiences of demographics they are not part of, but I don’t think that means it should be completely barred off as something people can do. We should be encouraging people to learn about different demographics and their experiences, not discouraging them.

I think a lot of times it comes from a place of having seen bad rep after bad rep and feeling like at least someone sharing a demographic would be a little better about it, and I don't think it's necessarily wrong to want own voices to have a significant amount of pull in the discussion.

However. Hmm. How do I put it?

When I first started playing BG3 something I noticed was how common skin "blemishes" and vitiligo were in the NPCs. Now I don't know if any of the writers or dev team have these common blemishes. But vitiligo is really very uncommon to see on fictional characters period, and it appears to be really nicely represented with how it tends to appear and what parts of the skin it affects the most. And I remember thinking that was a nice touch.

I personally find these types of "blemishes" very attractive. I have a bunch of beauty marks and moles and I think they look great. I've put them on my characters since I was a little kid, I remember lamenting that I didn't have a beauty mark on my face and now I have two. I used to tell everyone who would listen about the light patch of skin on my leg as my birthmark, and now it's mostly tanned and hidden by hair so it's not nearly so visible as it used to be, and I was saddened by that when I first realized that you couldn't really see my birthmark anymore. I used to be able to run a list of every mark and mole and spot and patch on my body, and now I have more than I can count, and I find myself really happy about that.

You don't see them represented much in fiction or fantasy. But they're everywhere in BG3, it's more common to find characters with these marks than without. And idk if any of the dev team are among the people who have been tormented mercilessly for having "flawed" "imperfect" skin, but I also don't think it's a bad thing even if they didn't. These are perfectly normal things that people have on their skin and it's the first time I've seen characters just walking by my own as if they're normal. And yeah, why wouldn't they be totally disregarded as nothing to be preoccupied with when there's people walking around with far weirder things going on with their skin than a few patches of no pigment on their mouth or hands?

[foreversecrets]

Episode 2 - The Law of the Jungle

UPDATED! I've been through episode 2 five times now and this is what I found. I'm also going to go back and do episode 1, I just kinda speed through it.

Roy/Jason/Devon

Amanda/Thomas

Jason: The New Palace isn’t open in the morning. And most of all, not before next month…

(I didn’t say anything. He’ll end up leaving eventually, right?) (-)

Hello. Are you the owner…? (/)

Hahaha! Yes, thank you. I know. (+)

Jason: …

Maybe we shouldn’t play his game…? (+ with Jason, - Roy and Devon) 

After your little ditty when I got here, I think I believe them, Jason… (+ Roy and Devon, / with Jason)

(I didn’t say anything. Clearly, I don’t have all the information…) (- with Jason, / Roy and Devon)

Jason: …

Don’t mind them, Sir. I apologize, they don’t know how to behave. (-)

Don’t listen to him, Sir. We know very well what we’re doing. (+ with Devon, / with Jason)

Jason, maybe you can calm down with the cutting remarks? (+)

Jason: I’ll apologize in advance for inflicting a defeat on you for your first mission, but it’s not personal. 

It is for me, now. We’re going to crush you. (+ with Roy and Devon, - with Jason)

Don’t speak too soon, and may the best win! (- with Roy and Devon, + with Jason)

As long as everyone follows the rules… (-)

Jason: You “won”, but it’s a semi-victory…

It seems to me that’s still better than having lost. (+)

It doesn’t matter, it’s still a win…

I see that someone’s a sore loser.

Jason: …

(And I did the same, resuming the evening with my new colleagues and friends)

(Perhaps it’s up to me to be smarter for all of us, and hold out a hand to him) (for Jason illustraion)

(I restrained myself from hurling a few colorful insults at his back)

Jason: …

(But I swallowed my pride to better focus on the evening.)

(You pay for everything sooner or later … his turn will come.)

(No way am I going to leave things there.) (for Jason illustration)

Amanda: Nope, I’m here. And you too now…

Would you rather I come back at another time? (+)

Which is good since I was looking for you! (/)

Just say it, if I’m boring you … (-)

Amanda: You can write that down: when you need to tell a client that their choices are vulgar, say “baroque.” 

(I diligently took notes) (/)

I think that the baroque can be charming. (-)

Okay, cool. I’ll remember that. (+)

Amanda: Where do you think I buy all of my dishes?

I confess that I hadn’t asked myself the question. (/)

That’s very frugal of you. (-)

Now that you say it, it makes sense …(+)

Amanda: Any questions?

No, I don’t have any questions. That seems very solid. (+)

Can I do something to help you? (/)

What do you think about Goldreamz? And Jason? (-)

Amanda: Yeah, it’s getting late. You can go home, if you’re tired.

Not without having another drink (/)

Are you kidding? I’m having so much fun (+)

Yes, I think I’m going to do that (-)

Thomas: Actually, that’s not entirely true: I’ve already hacked their system. Just as a precaution.

You have such little trust in your own talents? (+)

Even if that doesn’t interest Devon, we’d be wrong not to take a look…(-)

You…You mean that you can read all their emails, their intranet? (/)

Thomas: That was cool right?

It was okay, but I don’t think I’ll try it again any time soon.

Yeah, it was … Really cool, like you said.

Are you kidding?! It was completely wild! (+)

Roy: So, you’ve made it? Your drive into the deep end!

At the same time, he didn’t hire me to twiddle my thumbs! (+)

Yes, it’s very nice of him not to leave me on the sidelines. (/)

Yes… I would have preferred him to ask me directly if I had any ideas, but hey…(-)

Roy: And word of mouth often works well, and allows me to make new, original or little-known contacts. 

So really, your job is to be nice? That’s cool! (/)

Cool! I hope you’ll help me meet lots of people! (+)

It’s funny, I thought you’d have a much more aggressive approach.(-)

Roy: Don’t you think?

Totally! Now I can imagine a pirate ship coming in the distance. (+)

Yeah, I agree, like an imaginary creature from the depths. (-)

I don’t know, I never really thought about it. (/)

Devon: And what do you think? About what we do… about the mood?

I think I could get used to this! (+)

It’s great! It’s nice here. (/)

Seeing that you pay me… (-)

Devon: I understand. You’d prefer to make a name for yourself in your domain…

Exactly. (+)

Yes, or not even. I don’t need to make a name for myself, that’d be okay too.(/) 

Exactly: one day, people will say that you gave Luna a leg up.(-)

Brune: Nothing. Elenda is talking nonsense. 

Very well, if you’re being secretive. (+Elenda)

Come on, you don’t want to tell me? (+Elenda)

(I didn’t insist. It’s none of my business) (+Brune)

Archibald: Well, I’m having a break. This is a break area, after all…

If someone sees you here, I could get in trouble…

Yes, but … nevermind. Are you okay? (+)

A break area for employees.

[asher-agere]

Me? Requesting headcanons while my last ones haven’t even been finished yet? It’s more likely than you would think! I enjoy your writing and I enjoy talking to you so I can’t help but wanna send in another request…

Anyways I do actually have extra text for this one other than stating the obvious so uhm! I am working on something super cool right now (since I’ve given up hope for a Land of The Lustrous season two I’ve decided to just animate & voice act some of my favorite scenes from the manga that weren’t adapted in season one of the anime myself and I’m working on one and it looks surprisingly good so far)

Anyways request time!! Can you share your thoughts on caregiver Fyodor with a vent regressor little… sighs. This one is actually based on my one experience regressing during the day rather than things I do normally. It was not very joyful nor whimsical.

That sounds like it’ll be so cool! I saw when you answered my request that procrastination is taking over though… Remember I believe in you! I’m sure you can do it, take as much time as you need!

⋆♱✮♱⋆

ִֶָ࣪☾. Vent regression is never fun. And Fyodor hates seeing his little one upset… So he does everything in his power to keep them happy! Fyodor likes to control things to keep himself happy, keeping his little one happy? Just as important of course! He’ll do whatever it takes, he has just about no limits if his little one is upset, god forbid they’ve worked themselves up to tears. He doesn’t even want to let them get to that point

ִֶָ࣪☾. He’ll buy anything and everything that can comfort his baby! Comfort food? Already bought. Pacifiers help during panic attacks, forces someone to breathe through their nose to prevent hyperventilating. Weighted plushies and blankets. Light projectors to never sleep in the dark. Comfort show on in the background 24/7 of course. And he’ll play his cello! I love the idea of caregiver Fyodor playing his cello for his little one hehe

ִֶָ࣪☾. Fyodor very much so wants to eliminate all problems. Sensory issues? New clothes and calm music immediately, lights turned off or low. Someone was mean to his little one? He’ll handle them, make sure they leave his baby alone, then go comfort them! Explaining how the mean person was wrong and how his baby is sooo amazing! Favorite show had to stop being produced? He’ll literally fund the studio if it means they’ll keep producing stuff

ִֶָ࣪☾. He’ll always check in! Ask the little how they’re feeling if they’re big enough to talk. If they’re only able to do simple words he’ll find a system with like colors or temperature to explain how they’re feeling. Or if they’re totally nonverbal he can work with hand signals, drawing, etc. Many options! He wants to give his baby alllll the options possible so he can know how they’re feeling and fix any problems!

ִֶָ࣪☾. Very very pushy on water. Vent regression usually ends in crying, even if he tries really hard to avoid it. And crying is super dehydrating! So water is the solution! He’ll buy cute sippy cups or bottles, and he’ll put extra stuff in the water like honey or flavoring! It helps it not only taste better but also to feel better on the little ones sore throat. Plus the cute cup is really encouraging! Especially if he holds the bottle for them, makes them feel soooo tiny

ִֶָ࣪☾. He’s very patient with tantrums! He understands that a little baby can’t express their feelings to well, so they burst out in a tantrum usually! While this isn’t ideal of course, he’d never get mad! He waits for them to calm down, offering comforting words and affection. Then while they’re calming down he’ll try to find the problem, and a solution! He doesn’t want anything upsetting his little baby, they don’t deserve all that yucky stress (>﹏<)

ִֶָ࣪☾. Babbling can actually be really helpful! He’ll hold his little one on his lap and gently rub their hips to soothe them and ask them what’s wrong. He’ll listen diligently! Even if he can’t understand a single word they’re saying, he’ll listen! He’s always gonna be there for them. He’ll nod along, reacting as if he understands them perfectly and reassuring them that everything is ok!

ִֶָ࣪☾. Fyodor always makes sure his little one is taking care of themselves! Makes sure they’re eating, taking baths, and getting outside enough. He’ll make their favorite foods, served on a cute plate of course. He’ll make them special bubble bath’s with all sorts of calming soaps and lotions. He’ll bring some toys outside to play in the grass to make sure the little one is getting some sunlight and fresh air

⋆♱✮♱⋆

My life is finally calming down! The Comic Con was… An event. I had fun though! There were three BSD cosplayers and I saw three different Miku cosplays! (A strawberry Miku actually won a huge cosplay reward!!!! Go Vocaloid fans!) Also my caregiver made a tumblr account because I finally explained to them I’m not just a girl! So that’s exciting, now they can see all my posts and I can get even more praise ＼(＾O＾)／

[petitelepus]

hello! i apologize in advance for writing so much

but i hope i can get a normal matchup for twisted wonderland! i go by she/they. i’m 21 and pansexual.

traits: ENTP 6w7, leo, deadpan (i say jokes with like a straight face so people genuinely get shocked by me saying something unexpected), diligent (people have told me their first impression of me is that they think i am boring because i am somewhat of a teacher's pet), funny, perceptive (i am good at reading people and it's something that i'm proud of but also sometimes sad about. i can read when people are sad even if i haven't known them for long and it can either startle them or comfort them when i bring it to light.), thoughtful (i do things with others in mind), physically affectionate, 'sardonic and sarcastic' (my teacher's words, not mine.), creative (i have random bouts of energy that i use to make ideas. random things pop in my head every now and then and my friends whom i share them with think they are very odd but they expect it from me), eager to learn (i like to challenge myself intellectually so i come off as nerdy), "mature" (i don't like saying this because my definition of mature is probably miles different and some people would say my humor is immature but ive had people tell me that in serious situations, i show a lot of maturity), tomboy, empathetic

i have a lot of hobbies, but i get so bored i drop them every now and then– my only consistent hobbies are probably sketching, gaming, writing, running, and editing, but i also recently picked up needle felting. i like wearing and having cute things but my personality in general is very stereotypically 'masculine' so i hang out with more dudes than girls.

favorite things: psychology, typology, games, animanga, rice, heavy rock/metal

dislikes: wasabi (or anything that has a strong flavor), inconsiderate people

I match you with Malleus Draconia!

You're clever and independent, and as a Scarabia's student you can be cunning but most of all you are diligent. You take time to make decisions and in the end, it pays off well for you.

Now, you and Malleus aren't that different, which is why you two are well-suited for each other. You're both deadpan, not letting your emotions show outside, but like you said, you can read people like open books and this is how you saw how lonely Malleus really was despite his royal status.

You're a kind one, eager to get to know Malleus better, and while your friendliness may be a little weird to him at first, in the end, he appreciates that you are willing to try and get to know him. Most people fear him and he is so used to it that he never expects kindness from others.

But you weren't just another human, but a thoughtful and affectionate one. You're willing to put aside all the rumors you may have heard of him and try to start anew with him. An act that warms Malleus' heart and encourages him to open up to you.

You take your friends' comfort seriously and this includes the Fae. May God help those who talk bad about Malleus while you are at earshot because if you hear someone talking about anything that can even be considered mean, you will go and defend your friend fiercely.

You don't need to do so, Malleus is already used to people talking, but you insist that he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Words that echoed in his mind and how cute you- Wait, cute?

As you are eager to learn, Malleus is more than happy to share his interests with you, and that includes his love for gargoyles. He may be showing you the magnificent stone statues when you suddenly look at him and smile.

"You could say these guys were the original… Rock musicians?"

You start giggling and laughing at your own joke and while Malleus may not understand it at first, your smile is all he needs to feel joy.

"Child of man, your humor amuses me and keeps me entertained but it's your smile that I treasure most."

Dayem, when did he become that smooth!?

As you are physically affectionate, and while Malleus is a little awkward, he happily accepts your affection and tries his best to return it to you because he understands that it means a lot to you.

Malleus is new to technology of any kind so when you introduce him to video games, he is in awe.

He has this naive and childish wonder in him as he watches you play and if you try to teach him, he takes a lot of glances at you, trying to see if he is playing right. You're a good teacher, patient, and kind, so even if he fails he has fun with you there by his side.

[stylinsoncity]

Sorry if this ask is a little long. I’m going to be a little cheesy here :’)

I am an extremely avid reader: I’ve read literary classics and trashy BookTok romances and dark political satire books and NOTHING, I mean NOTHING makes me as excited to read than when I see you updating on AO3. I used to tell myself that I was just new to the fandom and getting into reading fics about my favorite artists and THAT’s why I downloaded CAYA and SEL and The Wonderlands onto my Books app where I would just reread and reread and reread. I’ve memorized some of your words at this point. Like when you’re rewatching your favorite sitcom and you’re ready to recite the next line of dialogue hahaha

I just read the first chapter of The Thrill of It All and I DEVOURED it. I reread some sentences out loud, slowly, because they were written so beautifully, with such diligence and care. I realized that moments like that are why I liked reading so much in the first place. Even though it was only around 6000 words, I’m already so amazed by the characterization and the way you’ve set the romantic and moody vibe already in the chapter.

I’m writing this ask because I went through some of your Tumblr posts and I can tell that you’re putting a teeeeeny bit of pressure on yourself to finish your works in progress and to post the ABO fic and to edit CAYA for publishing and you’re also navigating the fandom’s recent loss and all I wanted to say is that I trust your ability to put out magic like you always do, whenever it happens. You probably hear this all the time, but you have a very wonderful gift for writing. Take whatever time you need to update/write fics. I’ll patiently reread your magna opera until then! I’ll obviously miss your writing if you’re not continuing after these next two fics but please know that your works had a profound impact on me. Thank you for sharing the little corners of your beautiful mind! <3

okay well you successfully made me tear up!!

i struggle so much responding to things when they make me have Emotions because it becomes difficult to concisely express how i feel and what the message means to me. and then i worry about being wordy and ultimately not explaining myself well.

your perceptiveness and attention to my headspace is genuinely appreciated. i definitely do put quite a bit of pressure on myself. i'm anxious and a perfectionist which is an exhausting combination for so many reasons. i feel like everyone here is pretty understanding and very many are familiar with how long it takes me to update and how scatterbrained i can be. and it honestly does help for ppl to pay attn to those things. somehow it makes me feel safer being a little bit of a mess.

i'm also kind of coming to terms with having anxiety and adhd and accepting that this is how i create and that's okay. so i try to be nicer to myself but every now and then, i do get into a place of like wishing i could do a bit better, work a bit faster, etc... so what you've said honestly does help more than i can express. i really mean that! thank you so much D':

and for the lovely comments on my work... also thank you!! i'm so happy you're enjoying the thrill of it all so far.. you also just named all of my favorite children lol so i'm even more moved by this message.. i still feel like i'm not fully conveying just how moved i am!! but genuinely thank you for your support and patience and love! ily!!

[feral-creep]

y’all i just…. AAAAAH

vent about work and creativity and grief incoming

ever since my mom got sick i had to give up my more lucrative “career” day hustle (video editing) and pick up night shifts at a bar. and like. it’s a college dive bar, so the tips are not great.

this particular dive bar is known around the community as the hardest place to work, and the reputation is not for nothin’:

the average server at a normal place has a 4-5 hour shift and covers 3-5 tables. WE, on the other hand, work 10-12 hour shifts with zero mandated breaks and cover 8-10 tables, many of which can seat 8-10 people at a time.

it is exhausting work that has kept me in amazing shape and has kept my sanity during the grieving process… but it’s undeniably hard as fuck.

and i feel like i’m constantly just treading water, not making enough to fully get rid of my credit card debt and move out of this shithole town… i could make so much more money serving in chicago…

yet i’m never working so little as to be able to actually, y’know, write

BUT. but. the job is not why i don’t create as much. the job is not the reason.

the reason is my own dumb brain and my own dumb shame about not being a “responsible” member of society, not being “where i should be” or “where i thought i would be” at 36 years old.

because that concept? it is bullshit. even though my peers who i used to work with in video are all flourishing, it doesn’t matter—they did not have a terminally ill mother living in bumfuck college town of nowheresville, midwaste! so what if they are now getting deals with HBO! that sort of life was maybe never in the cards for dirtbag little ol me!

and also, since like WHEN did i ever care about being a dirtbag loser anyway? being a dirtbag loser is punk rock as fuck????

i am trying to force myself out of thinking that creative pursuits are a “luxury” that must only be pursued once Everything Responsible Has Been Completed—because frankly i don’t even do that shit anyway!!! lmao (what ends up happening is that i spend 5 hours on social media, 0 hours doing laundry, and also 0 hours writing)

so maybe like, fuck twitter, fuck instagram, fuck frittering away my life 5 minutes at a time trying to convince myself i’m totally going to get up and sort thru the mail, and just. do the things i like doing. because THAT is punk as fuck.

basically i’m coming to the conclusion that i have been flailing around trying to escape a situation i am trapped in by being “responsible”—diligent with my money, a good little worker bee, etc etc—and like, very obviously not succeeding, so i might as well live “selfishly” (i.e. creatively)

when i’m dead no one’s gonna be like “feral creep touched our lives by being so on top of her laundry and having a very organized pile of receipts”

no, no they will not!

i still get comments every week or two from readers about how much [save scum] means to them, and fuck if i don’t want to somehow adapt portions of this story and Lethe so she can resonate with even more people outside this fandom…

after, of course, i finish the fic. lmao.

[r4v3nr0s3]

HELLO!

SEPTEMBER 22 is my B-day, I am trying to get my completed series THE EMERALD FORMULA, published.

So I’ve started a GoFundMe! Please check out my story below and if you could like, share, or donate it would mean everything to me.

LEARN MORE BELOW

I'm Raven Rose a queer, Latino, chronically ill, and disabled author and artist. Welcome to my journey as I get ready to be on my own for the first time in 15 years, go back to school, try to get on federal disability in the United States, and get my first novel published. September 22 is my Birthday month so if anyone is feeling extra festive, in lieu of gifts, I'd appreciate help here!

I’m restarting from scratch after a near decade of health problems, and despite great efforts to re-etner the workplace, 6 months time doing what I used to love, put me back in the hospital. For more about me visit my web page !

My lifelong dream has been to become a writer, but I can't do it alone. You can help me reach my goals and achieve my wildest dreams, and I could not be more grateful! Please do whatever you can do - like, share, and/or donate. I'm finally investing in myself and I believe my ideas and this story deserve investment too, so that's why I'm asking for your help.

Now for the goods!

THE EMERALD FORMULA is a series I've been working on close to 20 years.

The Working BLURB for novel 1 is as follows:

Renata Salcedo has never made a wave in her life. In the last few years though, she's broken up with her long term boyfriend, moved into her own place, and was diligently working towards the career of her dreams: a spot at the Smithsonian.

Fine... Adrenaline Junkie, Renata was not. She learned to stay small and figured out how to move quietly enough to stay unnoticed and survive. But it wasn't like she was unsuccessful. Her carefully planned path of baby steps lead her to exactly where she wanted to be: living her boring life and people leaving her alone to do her job. If anything, the job provided her all the excitement she needed. Unearthing old civilizations? Cataloguing the past through objects and art? Thrilling stuff! All done from the safety atop of an orthopedic pillow from behind a desk.

There was only one teensy problem with Renata's goals.

An entire world she knew nothing about existed right under her nose, and it's going to disrupt her boring little life whether she's planned for it or not. And really she can't complain too much, as it all starts with one of her absolute, most favorite things...

A Book

(Story EXCERPT at the bottom too)

REALM OF MATTER is the first novel in a complete 3-Book series called THE EMERALD FORMULA. At this point, the series needs refinement and editing, so both developmental and line editing. Funds will go towards paying the editors. Whatever is left over will go towards my publishing goals, and my intent to get an art degree and start doing marketing and making book covers. The three mock ups below were all created by me in Vector and Photoshop.

This Epic tale is a paranormal adventure with elements or horror, humor, fantasy, and an underlying slow burn human/humanoid monster romance. It features a diverse cast of human characters who break the mold of the Hero's Journey, and reject its sanctity all-together.

Its universe is heavily based on the History of science, magic, and folklore, focusing mainly on Pagan and Catholic mythology to give this Hero's journey a darkly poignant and comedic edge that digs in and punches up. The magical system is highly elemental, and dives deep into Alchemical and Spiritual theory from thousands of years ago. All of the artwork you see was done by me, a self taught artist (thought I'd like to go back to school next year).

I created my own language and phonetics system, also an alphabet.

All so I could make these transmutation circles based on sacred geometry.

YOU CAN READ CHAPTER 1 HERE

THE EMERAD FORMULA: REALM OF MATTER is a snarky thriller that features a bunch of traumatized, relatable saps often thrust into magical and extraordinary circumstances with not much but found family and magic on their side. But if they can't find hope in a hopeless situation against the ultimate evil, no one can. If you vibe with sacrilege, and enjoy flawed, funny characters, family antics, awkward slow burn romances, complex but accessible lore, legacy heroes, ancient monsters, chaos, magic, and mayhem? You've found the series for you.

Please do whatever is accessible to you: liking, sharing, and donating are all extremely important to make this project a reality. This means a lot to me and I greatly appreciate your support.

Thank you for your time,

Raven Rose

[chaotic-super]

The Vampire Woman - Chapter 18

Read The Vampire Woman on AO3 here!

Lena stands over Kara’s bedside just staring down at the woman that has yet to gain any semblance of consciousness since the ordeal in the hallway with Lillian. Her unbeating heart aches for Kara. She doesn’t deserve this.

It’s funny really. Lena has so much more history with Lillian and has benefitted from having her in her life much more than Kara and yet it is Kara she’s fighting for while neglecting to mourn Lillian, doubting that she ever really will because she has no deep feelings about the woman, only indifference.

“Any change?” Alex peers over at her from a chair across the room, her hair sticking up in random places and her eyes heavily lidded with fatigue.

Lena shakes her head, a sadness in the movement that she can’t control. “No, not yet.”

“How long has it been since you injected her with the anti-vampire serum?”

“It’s been a while, over an hour. Can you not call it that though, that’s just weird?” Lena doesn’t take her eyes off Kara, but she does cringe a little at the name Alex has given the serum she’s actively developing.

This is the third serum she’s made, each one a little more potent than the last and each one getting more and more effective.

Lena is fairly certain at this point that if she were able to, she’d have a bad back from how much time she’s spent leaning over a microscope to not only figure out the compounds within silver that harm vampires but also looking at Kara’s blood to determine which cells are vampiric and which ones are human.

It’s interesting to see the way the vampiric cells are destroying the human ones and showing how a person can turn into a vampire but on the other hand, it’s terrifying because, with each cell that is destroyed, that’s one step closer to Kara’s life-changing in a remarkably horrendous way.

“Would the anti-vampire serum kill you if you were injected with it?” Alex ignores her request, moving around until she’s beside the vampire and peeking over her shoulder at her little sister, still out cold.

Lena shrugs. “How would I know? I’m not exactly about to inject myself with it and find out, am I? Let’s just focus on Kara, she’s been unconscious for almost two days now and we need to see if this new version of the serum has worked, can you take some of her blood?”

Alex rolls her eyes at Lena. When they first met, she was afraid of her but tried her best to cover up her fear so as to not appear weak but seeing the way she has been so diligently working to try and save Kara, most of that fear has slipped away. That doesn’t mean a little bit of it doesn’t still linger in the back of her mind, but it does mean that she’s not cowering away from her or walking on eggs shells around her.

She’s not completely forgiven her for what she did to Kara when they first met either, she attacked her little sister and actually injured her, but she is seeing what kind of person she is and is at least attempting to see her for who she is rather than what she’s heard. It is hard though because no matter how much she has grown to like the aggressive way Lena is tackling the task of protecting Kara from the fate Lillian has bound her with, there’s always going to be some anger there.

Alex takes some blood from Kara, not much, just enough so they can test it, but it still makes her nervous to do so. It was a close call before, right after she was bitten because Lillian drank so much of her blood in her final moments. At least she got a good last meal, Alex supposes.

It was terrifying though, Kara almost died right there and then from the blood loss and it was only because Lena had a recent delivery of blood that she had enough on hand to give Kara a transfusion, several in fact.

It does leave Lena in a bit of a sticky situation though because now she’s got Jess trying to figure out how to get her more blood so she doesn’t starve and go full-rampaging vampire again. She wouldn’t be so worried if Kara wasn’t in the bed she designed to hold her and if Lillian hadn’t proven that the restraints aren’t strong enough to hold her for long.

“Here.” Alex hands Lena the sample of Kara’s blood she just took and watches out the corner of her eye as Lena takes it and heads for the microscope across the room. At this point, her hopes are swindling and if that means she has to savour each moment she has with Kara before she turns and she’s no longer herself anymore, then that’s what she’ll do.

On some level, Alex does understand that no matter what happens, whether they manage to save Kara from becoming a vampire or not, she’ll still be her in almost every way. It’s the almost that Alex is struggling with though.

She’ll lose her heat, making her infamous, calming cuddles cold and unfeeling. She’ll lose her appetite and will have to drink blood again. With Kara being such a foodie, the very thought of Kara losing that pillar of her personality that revolves around her enjoying the fruits life gives her just breaks Alex’s heart because she knows it will devastate her. Kara loves sunbathing and spending time at the beach, if she wants to go after turning, she’d have to go at night and as for sunbathing, forget about it.

The worst part is the part that Alex just can’t wrap her mind around though. Kara will be dead, but she won’t be gone, that means she’s going to live without being alive for God knows how long and lose every single person she knows, watching as person after person she loves dies before her very eyes with nothing she can do to stop it. She’ll never be able to grow old with someone or live a normal life, she’ll just be gone.

Alex strokes her fingers across Kara’s cheek and the feeling that greets her forces her breath out of her. She’s cold. “Lena?”

“What? I haven’t had the chance to look yet, give me a minute.”

“No, no, no, Lena, she’s cold.” Alex stumbles back, her eyes still pinned on Kara’s cold, unmoving form, her heart stuttering like crazy as she wills Kara to sit up and smile and laugh. That doesn’t happen though.

Lena freezes and looks back over at where Kara is lying on the bed. Her steps are slow and steady as she walks back over, ditching the samples beside the microscope. She pays no mind to Alex, letting her just slowly back away from Kara is probably the best choice anyway if she has passed.

She tilts her head, ears searching for a heartbeat as she gets closer and it’s when she’s at Kara’s bedside that she hears it. It’s faint but it’s still there but just for good measure, she reaches out and pressed her hand on Kara’s chest, just between her breasts and feels as Kara continues to take shallow breaths.

“She’s alive, but you’re right about her being cold. There are more blankets in the storage closet down the hall, would you mind grabbing them?” Lena turns to Alex, who has gone almost as pale as she is, which isn’t an easy feat.

Alex nods, shaky and terrified. There’s a small dose of relief flooding through her veins but she’s more than aware of the fact that Kara’s not in a good way. She goes off to do what she’s told and that leaves Lena at Kara’s bedside.

“I don’t know what to do if the serum doesn’t work, Kara. Do you want to be left to die, to be free of the burden of the life I live or would you want to turn so you can live your life, even if it will be long and painful?” Lena speaks softly to the unconscious human as though Kara actually has the means of responding. “Yeah, I know, they’re both sucky choices and I’m glad the decision was made for me, I don’t even know what I would have chosen to do.”

With a sigh and a frown, one that makes Lena appear like she’s aged a few years since she was once bitten, she goes back to the sample. There’s still hope yet and if there’s a way Lena can save Kara, she has to take it.

She moves a few drops of the blood onto a slide and slips it under the microscope.

Now, that is interesting.

There’s something definitely occurring within Kara’s cells because the first thing Lena notices is the distinct lack of movement in the vampiric cells. That’s really good because that means that they can’t keep on attacking her human cells. That being said though, while the vampiric cells aren’t moving, they are most certainly still alive and Kara’s body isn’t killing them off.

It’s a really good start though because it means that they aren’t at risk of Kara turning at the minute because her human cells aren’t being affected by the serum, in fact, they’re thriving.

Alex comes stumbling in with way too many blankets, making Lena jump as she drops them down onto the chair beside Kara’s bed, making the chair skid back and inch with a horrible scraping noise of the chair legs against the floor.

Lena glares at her out of instinct but softens her expression when she hears Alex’s soft, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. The serum is working.”

“What? It is? She’s not going to turn?” A grin spreads across Alex’s face and she forgets about the blankets she brought in for a moment until Lena joins her beside the bed and starts grabbing one and unfolds it.

Lena shrugs, covering Kara up and tucking the blanket around her. “The vampiric cells in her system have stopped attacking the human ones. It hasn’t killed them but for now, she’s not turning. We should take samples periodically so we can make sure that doesn’t change and try our best to keep nursing Kara back to health otherwise. With a little bit of luck, she’ll wake up soon.”

Alex couldn’t be happier to hear that news as she takes Lena’s lead in wrapping Kara up in another blanket. She goes to reach for another one but is stopped by Lena resting her hand on her wrist and shaking her head softly.

“I think that’s enough blankets.”

Alex drops the blanket and smiles, a little bashful about the way she was about to wrap Kara up like a burrito to keep her warm.

“Now, we just have to be patient and keep an eye on her. There’s nothing else we can do.”

-

Jess wanders into the lab while lugging a decent-sized cooler with her. There’s sweat dripping down her forehead as she titters on her short heels from the strain of it.

Lena spots her and rushes to her side, a hint of her supernatural speed kicking in to get there faster so Jess doesn’t have to struggle.

That’s something she never would have done not too long ago, too afraid of freaking her out and being judged for it but the past couple of weeks have been crazy and it’s pretty safe to say that none of those insecurities matter a single bit anymore.

“Thanks, Lena,” Jess says, extraordinarily happy when the heavy load is taken from her. “There’s plenty in there, I managed to get a lot this time so there’s enough for you and for Kara too if she needs it.”

Lena beams at her, “You’re a superstar, Jess. I don’t think Kara will be needing anymore at the minute, she’s been stable for two days now and has been showing signs that she might wake up soon.”

“Really?” Jess asks and her mouth curves up into a smile when Lena nods, “And how is her temperature, better?”

“Completely stabilized now but she’s still got one extra blanket on. The vampiric cells and the human ones have actually begun to do something weird; they’re not fighting, they’re fusing. I don’t know what that means for her but she’s breathing, and her pulse has gotten stronger so I’m not complaining.”

Jess’ eyebrows scrunch together as she and Lena make for the fridge that is meticulously checked and temperature controlled to keep blood inside of. “What do you mean by fused?”

Lena begins unloading the blood from the cooler and into the fridge, arranging it by blood type and setting all of the ones that are viable with Kara’s blood type off to one side so they can find it if they get into a pinch, but she has all of her fingers and her toes crossed that they won’t need that.

“From what I can tell, and I can’t tell much, they are attaching to each other and not trying to destroy each other like they were before, which is a very good thing because the rate the vampiric cells were killing off the human ones was terrifying, but it’s been over a week now and it’s they haven’t started behaving the way they were before so it’s starting to look good.”

“But we won’t know the full effects of the fusion until she wakes up?”

“No, we won’t,” Lena confirms. “She’s getting some colour back into her cheeks though so I’d say she’s getting better. Actually, why don’t I take another sample and show you the fusion, it’s about time I check again anyhow?”

Jess takes her up on that offer. “Sounds good.”

Now they are just taking small samples, they don’t bother with a needle, they just prick the tip of Kara’s fingertip and squeeze out a drop of blood but when Lena picks up Kara’s hand, she’s surprised when Kara pulls it back quickly.

Both Lena and Jess’ eyes go wide, comically so, and shoot up to look at Kara’s face, which is scrunched up with fatigue and her eyes pinched shut tightly as she groans.

“Kara?”

Kara groans a second time and tries to open her eyes but quickly clenches them shut again when the lights hit her. “Ugh.”

“Kara, it’s Lena and Jess is here too. Take your time.”

Kara mumbles something but neither Jess nor Lena can make out what she’s trying to say, the mumbling too incoherent.

“What’s that? Say it again, Kara.”

Kara only says one word, not bothering to try to repeat the whole sentence again and just reiterating the most important part. “Alex.”

Jess meets Lena’s eyes before mouthing at her, “Where is she?”

Lena doesn’t answer Jess but she does reply to Kara which effectively tells Jess where Alex is anyway. “She’ll be here soon, she’s just out getting coffee. We’re right here with you though.”

The hand that was snatched away so ruthlessly before starts batting around on the mattress in search of something and it takes Lena a painfully long moment to register what she’s trying to do and move her hand beside Kara’s, letting her find it and take a good grip of it.

Kara’s hold on her is weak and feeble due to the condition she’s been in for the past week. “Hey, we’ve got you, take your time.”

“W-what happened?” Kara says the words carefully, trying to be as clear as she can but her throat is painfully dry and she’s aching all over. On top of that, she’s absolutely sweating because of the heat. “S’too hot.”

Lena doesn’t release her hand, just uses her free one, the one that means she has to cross her arm across her body awkwardly, to pull the extra blanket off of Kara with a little help from Jess, who takes it once it’s off and starts folding it, grateful for having something to do because she feels kind of awkward about how she’s just sort of standing there.

“Is that better?” Lena asks, leaning down towards Kara more so she won’t have to strain her voice as much trying to talk.

“Water please.” Is Kara’s response, her mouth so dry it’s like the Sahara Desert in there and it’s remarkably uncomfortable.

Lena uses her speed for the second time in the day to race off, grab a bottle of water for Kara, along with a straw, and get back to where she was, a little sad she had to let go of her hand because the warmth of it was comforting.

She undoes the lid and pops the straw into it, apologizing to the turtles as she does since all she could find was a plastic one. She’ll make sure it gets recycled to make up for it later.

Kara tilts her head up as much as she can to take the straw into her mouth and take a big sip, spluttering a little but not giving up, determined to get a good, healthy drink of the water to alleviate the sandpapery feeling that has taken over her throat. It’s so bad that she gets through a good portion of the bottle, ignoring Lena and Jess as they warn her to slow her roll, that she becomes aware of the catheter sitting in her nether regions. Lovely...not. She supposes that Alex wouldn’t have let it happen if it wasn’t necessary.

Lena eventually pulls the bottle away after Kara swallows a mouthful which only leads to Kara trying to chase it, only moving an inch before huffing and leaning back into the pillow with an ungodly pout.

“Don’t pull that on me, Danvers. It’s for your own good since you need to take it slow. You’ve been out for over a week so right now, slow and steady is your friend.”

Kara’s mind is elsewhere and it’s very obvious too. “Alex?” She tries again and this time Jess slides her phone out of her pocket.

“I’m calling her right now, just sit tight.”

Kara’s head twitches in what Jess makes out to be a nod so she does what she said she’d do and calls Alex. The phone rings and rings until it goes to voicemail and the whole time, Kara is watching with a growing look of concern spreading across her face.

Jess pulls the phone away from her ear with a grimace, ending the call without leaving a message. “I guess I’ll try again in a few minutes since she’s out getting coffee, she might be at the counter paying or something like that.”

Kara doesn’t look convinced, not until the phone rings just seconds after the failed call ends.

“Hey, where are you?” Jess asks, pulling the phone away from her ear quickly after so she can stab at the speakerphone button.

Alex’s voice comes through loud and clear. “Hey, sorry I missed the call, I had my phone in my bag and couldn’t find it in the mess before it rang out. I’m on my way back now, I��ve got coffee and pastries.”

“Alex, make sure you come right back,” Jess says when Alex stops talking.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Kara’s awake.”

There’s a brief silence and a bunch of rustling down the line in response.

“Alex, you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m coming. Tell her I’m coming, I’m literally running, I’ll be there in ten minutes, tops.”

Jess smiles, “You can tell her yourself, you’re on speaker.”

“Kara, I’m on my way, just hold on for me, I’ll be just a few minutes!” Alex shouts down the line, her breathing suddenly heavy and the rustling sound getting louder, clearly the sound of the paper bag, the food in it crumbling as she disregards keeping the food steady in order to get to Kara as quickly as she can.

The call ends at some point in the ruckus when it becomes obvious that Alex is more concerned with getting back to L-Corp than talking to them and they end up just waiting for her. Kara grabs at Lena’s hand again as they wait and Jess keeps a close eye on the pair, overjoyed that Kara has woken up again because she thinks the image of Kara and the aftermath of what happened in the hallway might just haunt her for the rest of her life.

Lena cleaned up the mess that was left behind, the mess being the remains of Lillian, Vasquez and Carlson. Jess wasn’t privy to the details of how she managed to handle that but from what she knows, she’s blaming it on a break-in and has paid off investigators to get it covered up, at least that’s her best guess.

They all breathe out a sigh of relief when Alex arrives, her rapid footsteps giving away her position as she marches her way towards where she knows Kara’s bed is.

As she approaches, Kara drops Lena’s hand in favour of reaching out for her sister. Alex shoves the bag with the food and the tray of coffees into Lena’s hands as she pushes past her and ignores Kara’s outstretched hand too so she can cradle Kara’s face in her hands, tilting her head from side to side to get a good look at her.

“God, Kara, you scared me so much.” She whispers, pressing a kiss to the middle of her forehead and pulling her up, a little carelessly, into a hug, her arms clinging to Kara like she’s afraid she’s going to disappear at any moment, a fear that is completely rational given everything that has happened.

“I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, just promise me to avoid getting bitten by anything ever again, ok? Even mosquitos, I’m serious.”

Kara freezes in her arms. “I was bitten?” Kara couldn’t fully remember how she got into this position, her mind fuzzy and crying out for her big sister to come and protect her, but now that she knows she’s been bitten, it all rushes back to her. Vasquez, Lillian, the fight, Lena scooping her up and rushing her downstairs and then a whole bunch of nothingness apart from a few pinpricks here and there that her mind refused to block out for her. “I was bitten.”

The second statement is much firmer and it’s clear to the others that Kara is putting the pieces together.

“You were,” Lena confirms, taking one of the coffees for herself and passing the food and the other drinks over to Jess, who moves them onto a nearby table, a little annoyed that they are suddenly playing Pass The Parcel with coffee at a time like this.

“Am I dead?”

The Question hits them hard, not because she’s dead or turned but because she was so close to dying that the very mention of it makes them feel like their hearts are bleeding, which is especially strange for Lena.

“No, you’re not dead,” Lena answers over Alex’s shoulder when Alex doesn’t immediately respond, a lump trapped in her throat too large to allow her to answer for herself.

“Oh, I don’t think I understand.” Kara’s eyes are drooping, and her voice is so hoarse that they are all starting to worry a little.

“Why don’t we get you something to drink, maybe some tea with honey to help your throat, and then after that you can sleep a little bit? It’ll be easier to explain everything to you once you’re bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.”

Kara looks like she wants to argue but Alex agrees on her behalf before she can, so she just has to accept it for what it is, she guesses. “Great idea, Jess, sorry to ask but would you mind finding somewhere to get the tea?”

“You’ve got it,” Jess answers and pushes her way closer to Kara, taking her hand for a brief moment to speak. “I’m so glad you’re awake, Kara. I was worried about you.”

“Oh please, you can call me Boomerang because I always come back with a vengeance.” Kara croaks out with a smile.

-

“I can’t, I’m too nervous,” Kara says backing away from the door until she meets the front of Alex’s body, effectively stopping her from retreating any further back.

Alex starts walking forward with Kara still pressed against her which makes her walk back towards the door. “We’ll be right here and if it hurts, we’ll pull you right back in, stop being a wuss, this is important.”

“But I don’t want it to hurt.” Kara whines, using her arms to brace herself against the doorframe that leads to the back entrance of L-Corp so she can’t be forced outside.

She feels a shove against her back and then Jess comes around the side of the two arguing women and takes Alex’s side like a traitor, attempting to pull Kara’s arms down and away so she can be forced out into the sun.

 “No! I don’t want to go! It might burn me!” Kara fights against them until Lena sighs and does something she’s fully aware she’ll regret later on.

Kara gasps when she feels strong arms circle her waist and trap her arms against her sides in the process. She’s then lifted cleanly off the floor and then mere seconds later, she’s out in the sun and nothing is happening, not to her anyway.

Lena hisses and dives back into the building as soon as Kara is outside, leaving the woman that is completely and utterly unaffected out there so she can get back to safety and lick her wounds.

“Ah, fuck.” Lena hisses, pushing past Jess and Alex to get further into the building and around the corner from them, needing a few moments of privacy to collect herself. It’s been a while since she’s let herself go into the sun and it’s easy to forget how much it hurts when it’s been a while since she’s felt that pain. She’s certainly had a good reminder now though and is perfectly happy to never do that again unless absolutely necessary.

A few controlled breaths and a shake of her head to get her back into the right mindset, she rounds the corner again, finding the two women there looking anxiously between the corner she went around and Kara who is standing outside in the sun with her eyes closed and her face tilted towards the warming rays.

Seeing that Lena has managed to compose herself and looks relatively unscathed from her brief encounter with Sol, all eyes leave to just look at the way Kara is smiling slightly, the kind of smile you can only see if you look closely, her lips only just quirking up and her face smoothed out in complete serenity.

“See, not so bad, huh?” Lena forces a smile onto her face to mask the underlying burning of her skin where the sun managed to catch her.

“No, sorry I made you bring me out here, I was afraid it would hurt.” Kara opens her eyes and turns towards her, heading back inside just a moment later.

Lena is relieved when the door closes, putting the thick metal between her and the thing that can cause her a hell of a lot of pain. “How are you feeling?”

“Good, I was pretty worried that I wouldn’t be able to go outside anymore, I wouldn’t be able to do my job if that was the case. There’s only so much to report on when you can only work after dark and I think that would get boring really fast.

“I can confirm that it can be annoying to only be able to go out at night so I can’t blame you for being worried, but we have to do these tests, Kara. With the cells in your body fusing and leaving you with a mix of vampire DNA and human DNA, we have to understand what effects that will have on you going forward, from there we can figure out the best ways to help you navigate whatever might arise from the results of the tests.”

“I know, I just wish that things weren’t changing so much.” Kara leads them back down to the lab and she does that on purpose, walking in front of them so they can’t see her face or the amount of hatred she has in her heart towards everything that is happening. It makes her feel guilty that she’s complaining and being ungrateful for the life she has now since she was so close to dying because of Lillian but at the same time she’s so pissed, more pissed than she’s been in a long time.

Alex and Jess break off from them once they are back downstairs. Since the attacks, Lena has arranged for them to be set up in an apartment building she owns, one with an incredible amount of security, silver-lined doors and vampire-proof. Since Alex got kidnapped before, she’s happy to make the move, besides the apartment Lena has given her to stay in is much nicer than the one she’s moving out of anyway, so she’s got no complaints.

The plan is for Kara to move there too but until they finish the tests, she can’t because they haven’t got to the point in their testing where they have to figure out what the silver will do to her and also to the serum that was injected into her since it was silver-based, it could have some kind of effect on the way the cells have fused and in the worst case scenario, even trigger the vampiric cells to go back to attacking the human ones.

“You have a lot on your mind, I can see the cogs turning,” Lena states, her tone as even as she can make it so as to not make Kara defensive.

“Yeah, well, a lot is going on and I think I’m going to go crazy if I have to stare at these same walls for much longer. Don’t get me wrong, the lab is great, but I need a change of scenery.” Kara swipes a hand over her face and rubs at her eyes.

Lena is quick to try and offer up solutions but none of them is what Kara wants. “You can go into my office if you want. Or there’s a break room too if you want somewhere with a coffee machine, actually, I can set you up in an empty office, a guy from finance left for greener pastures a couple of days ago and I know for a fact the office is still empty and there’s a couch in there you can nap on.”

“No, I want to go back to my apartment. I know you’re worried but I need to be in my own space for a while, and wear my own clothes.” Kara plucks at a shirt Alex brought her from her closet, a flannel Kara always tells Alex she needs to throw out because it’s so old and tattered, but Alex always refuses because it’s comfortable. Kara has to agree with that but it does need a trip to the garbage can.

Lena ducks her head. She didn’t want to tell Kara this until after the tests were done and she has her moving into a new place. “Kara, I sent people over to your place to see if it could be made secure but when they got there half of your stuff had been torn apart and I don’t think that’s something you need to deal with right now.”

“What?” Kara turns so quickly towards her that Lena makes a mental note to check her speed to see if she’s gotten faster since the bite. It wouldn’t be totally unexpected since they have already been able to determine that her hearing has improved a great deal and she is able to hear conversations several rooms away if she tries. It’s not as powerful as Lena’s but it goes far beyond that of a regular human. “So, I can’t go back to my place?”

“I can’t stop you, but I can advise against it and I really think that it’s best you don’t go back there, not until we’ve finished all of the tests. I have already set up for the rest to happen tomorrow so it’s just one more night here and then we can get you somewhere else where you don’t feel as suffocated.”

“Lena, I can’t do it, I can’t do one more night so if I have to go back to my place, even if it is destroyed, just so I can have some proper time alone somewhere that doesn’t reek of business deals and cockiness, that’d what I’ll have to do.”

Lena knows there’s nothing she can do to stop her short of forcing her to stay but Kara has only just forgiven her for what happened before everything with Lillian and she’s finally stopped looking at her like she’s about to go crazed monster at any time. She can’t jeopardize that, but on the other hand, is it worth being the villain if it keeps Kara safe? Yes.

“What if I can find somewhere else for you to stay? Somewhere not in this building, I mean.”

“That depends, will I have a proper bedroom rather than just a bed in the middle of a lab that I’ve seen someone be murdered in?” Kara can sense that she’s getting closer to getting her own way and being free of this damned place and she’s going to push it because she needs to, she can’t cope with this environment any longer.

Lena turns away to think and Kara watches the way her shoes clunk against the floor as she starts pacing. “There’s only one place I can think of with adequate security that is also designed to protect the person inside from any foes that aim to harm them. My own apartment. I don’t spend too much time there so it will be nice if someone uses it. I have a guest room with its own ensuite. You’re welcome to use it.”

The last thing Kara was expecting was for Lena to offer her own apartment to her to use just to make her comfortable, or perhaps she can see the desperation in her eyes. It doesn’t matter because no matter where she ends up, she needs to be out of here and a place to stay where she actually has some proper privacy to process everything that has happened sounds incredible.

“That would be great, thank you.”

“Of course, although, I think I have to apologize in advance, the guest room hasn’t been cleaned in a while so it’s probably dusty and the sheets probably need changing.”

“Well, I think I’ll just head back to my place first and see if I can salvage a few of my things and maybe see if I have some of my own sheets still usable, I need a bit of familiarity.”

Lena gets that, she really does. “In that case, go right ahead. Do you mind if it’s Frank taking you? I would usually have another driver available but she’s on vacation so it’s him or a cab and it would cost a fortune for a cab to wait for you to grab your stuff while the car is idling.”

Kara really doesn’t want to get into a car with a man that threatened her with a gun to make her donate blood to Lena before but at this point, she’s willing to do just about anything. “Anything to get me out of here for a while.”

“I’ll make sure to ask him to give you a hand carrying anything you want out of your place. Try and grab enough clothes and things to last a little while so you don’t have to go back and forth. You can stay with me until we can come up with a permanent solution for housing for you, it’s the easiest way.”

“Whatever you say, I just want to get to my place and then to your place so I can shower and nap.”

“I guess I better hurry up and call Frank then.”

“Yes, you’d better.” The words are meant to sound threatening but they just sound tired. Kara really needs that nap.

Read more chapters early on Patreon here!

[the-himawari]

A3! Citron - Translation [SSR] Curtain Among Cherry Blossoms (3/3)

*Please read disclaimer on blog; default name set as Izumi

---

Tangerine: …

Citron: You can do it, Tangerine~!

Izumi: You got this, Tangerine-kun!

Shop clerk: Each person only gets one shot! Try your best to clear them all! Now then, start!

Tangerine: —.

*hits, hits*

Shop clerk: Ooh. He cleared the first and second blocks!

Tangerine: …!

*hits*

Izumi: Ah, the daruma's falling…!

Citron: …!

Shop clerk: He failed on the third block. What a shame! Well that’s how the cookie crumbles~. Here’s a postcard for participating.

Tangerine: …Tank you. *Sigh*… I didn’t do so well.

Izumi: It’s more difficult when it’s bigger, huh? But you did amazing clearing 2 blocks. Right, Citron-kun?

Citron: …

Izumi: What’s wrong? You’ve been awfully quiet the whole time…

Citron: …I will get revenge for Tangerine!

Tangerine: !?

Citron: Bring it on! The next challenger shall be I!

Izumi: It sounds like he’s asking for a duel…

Shop clerk: Oh, this guy’s fired up! Thank you for participating!

Citron: I will definitely clear them all…!

Shop clerk: Are you ready? …Okay, start!

Citron: —!

-pause-

Tangerine: Nii-sama, I am very grapeful you got revenge for me! You were very cool!

Izumi: It’s grateful. But that really was amazing. Even the staff members were raving about how it was just like a performance.

Citron: Hm, hm. There is nothing I can’t do! Also… I am glad I got to show my cool side not just to Tangerine, but to you as well, Director.

Option 1: “You were cool”

Izumi: Yeah, you were so cool!

Citron: Yahoo! It was worth trying hard if you say so! So, did you fall for me again~?

Tangerine: Nii-sama. What does “fall for again” mean?

Citron: It means to love something you love even more.

Tangerine: Oh! In that case, I fell for you again too, nii-sama!

Izumi: (Fufu, what an adorable conversation.)

Option 2: “That looked difficult”

Izumi: A giant daruma otoshi seems more difficult than usual, doesn’t it?

Citron: Even I did not know how it was going to turn out until I actually hit it. Sometimes, it's important to pretend to be confident in order to encourage yourself. Especially in this instance, because it was for my beloved younger brother Tangerine and my precious Director.

Izumi: (Citron-kun went into his royalty mode…! His aura in these moments is something else.)

Tangerine: I will demote myself so I can become as skilled as you, nii-sama!

Citron: You can do it, Tangerine!

Izumi: You mean devote, not demote… I think?

Tangerine: That’s it!

-pause-

Tsuzuru: …So in the end, Citron-san ended up taking charge at the daruma otoshi play demo?

Izumi: Yeah. It looked like Tangerine-kun liked it a lot too.

Tsuzuru: Err, I get that. But…

Citron: Take that! And that!

*hits*

Tsuzuru: That doesn’t mean we had to go to the trouble of building such a huge daruma otoshi!?

Citron: What are you saying, Tsuzuru! They say practise makes perfect… We diligently made this from scratch for the traditional playing experience. And so, one more time… Hiyah! Take that!

*hits*

Izumi: It was surprisingly easy to make the giant daruma otoshi.

Tsuzuru: I don’t think it’s that simple, but okay… I guess he’s really into it?

Kumon: Holy crap, a giant daruma otoshi! I wanna try it next!

Taichi: Dibs on next after that! Is that okay!?

Citron: Of course it is! Let us play taking turns~.

Izumi: In any case, I’m glad everyone looks like they’re having fun.

Tsuzuru: Yeah, that’s true.

Citron: Alright, one more time~!

---

previous |

[kithtaehyung]

Ryen maybe you (or maybe the comments as well?) can give me some advice? You seem like such a hard working/ diligent person with all of the things that you do so I’d thought I would ask you :) How are you able to do as much as you do with work and hobbies etc. I struggle to follow a routine and that makes time management a literal disaster. I kind of drift day by day and this has made me very depressed and someone who hasn’t accomplished anything. I am 22 but have no idea what I will do with my future and no career sounds appealing. I feel like I am too dumb to get another job so I’ve been stuck at the same dead end one for almost 6 years. I only go to work 2-3 days a week and the other days are filled with distractions. And the days I am off I stay in my room and don’t talk to any friends or family cause I don’t really have that many and it seems exhausting to go out. So I’m not very productive and I’m not proud of myself much either. How are you able to accomplish so much and have a lot of energy to do as much as you do? You probably get burnt out but how do you manage to actually get up and do it. Also sorry if this is a lot!

Hey, love🫂 as diligent as I may seem, there are definitely times where I find myself on the couch wondering where the time went🤣 it’s not always go go go for me, either! My body just tells my brain to chill for a gd second and then it listens (kinda.)

When you’re drifting, it’s normal to feel out of place or like you aren’t doing anything. Like you’re kinda just there and not gonna achieve anything fulfilling.

But some of the general advice that I learned to break those moments are these:

Motivation can only take you so far; discipline is what you need when you have nothing left. Yeah you can feel motivated and ride that wave, but what are you gonna do when it’s gone and you still need to do things? Well. Sometimes you just gotta push through. Do that workout you didn’t wanna do. Watch that YouTube tutorial you meant to watch but put off for later. Study for 2 full, meaningful minutes if you don’t think you can. Before you know it, you’re gonna look back at all these things and be glad you at least tried a little bit.

Just because you aren’t accomplishing anything big doesn’t mean you aren’t achieving anything. Need to wash up? Take a shower—done. Achievement! Wanna send a message to someone asking for advice? Done. You did it! The smallest things can amount to the biggest impacts.

This is gonna sound corny as fck, but believe in yourself. You are what you have at the end of the day. I highly encourage less talk about what’s stacked against you and what you don’t have, and more talk about how you’re gonna overcome that and what you can do or get better at. Fake confidence until you really feel it.

Do I mess up? Yeah. Do I doubt myself? All the fcking time lmfao. But guess what: I get over those thoughts and still tell myself that I can do it in the end. Whenever I made my checklist of shit to do for my online shop? “Believe in yourself” is one of the checkboxes. And it’s not being checked off until I really feel it—but I’m gonna get there. I have to, because if I don’t believe in myself then how the fck am I gonna keep going when I hit walls?

You’re at a beautiful age. Lots of time to figure shit out. Tbh 22 is when I had these same damn thoughts, too, and I did waste a lot of it by giving in to them and just thinking I wouldn’t amount to much. But one day, I decided that I didn’t like what direction my life was going. (Discipline got me through a lot of it tbh, so I would say swallow some hard truths and do your best to try and keep trying until you find something you like and that you know you can get good at.)

You can do it. Cherish life as it comes🤍

[discordhelp]

hi !! i’m not the original anon but in the tags of your recent post you explained reddit & discord have v different rp cultures, would you mind explaining ? i’ve been considering switching over and wanted to know what i was getting into LMAO ! only if you have time ofc , thank u !!

so i am definitely not the ultimate authority on this by any means, because i haven’t rped in any non-tumblr-adjacent spaces myself in quite some time, but i can make a few comments based on my observations as an outsider and also some conversations with a friend of mine who does rp in those spaces! in short i think outside tumblr, groups tend to be a lot more… open? like there are a lot of little things that tumblr rpers tend to put a lot of emphasis and weight on that just aren’t a big deal to people on other sites, which absolutely comes with both pros and cons. the main thing that comes to mind as an example of this is with faceclaims, a lot of off-tumblr groups don’t really do banned fcs or might not be as strict with respecting fcs’ identities, so if that’s something that’s important to you, definitely keep it in mind going in. depending on the group, a lot of people tend to also be a bit more open with the subject matter they are and aren’t willing to write. overall i think tumblr-adjacent rps just tend to have a lot of unspoken rules and things that we’ve kind of all gotten used to by being in this space that just aren’t present in other rpcs. not sure if that made any sense, but i think the most important thing if you do decide to try branching out is to go into things with an open mind! you should of course do your due diligence vetting any group you’re considering joining to make sure it’ll be a good fit for you, and don’t be afraid to leave if it isn’t, but i think just going into the server being willing to learn through observation and maybe unlearn some of the stricter conventions that are basically ubiquitous in tumblr-ish rp spaces will be a big first step.

another thing i’ve noticed especially with groups that advertise on disboard is that they can get REALLY big! of course that depends on a whole lot of factors, but if you’re like me and get overwhelmed by big groups it’s another thing to look out for when you’re vetting a group!

again want to reiterate that i’m not speaking from firsthand experience so take this all with a grain of salt, and remember that no matter what site it’s on every group really will have its own unique culture and quirks. best of luck if you do decide to take that leap, and we’d love to hear how it goes <3

also just want to make a quick little note about what i mean by tumblr-adjacent rps: basically rps that advertise on tumblr regardless of what site the actual rping takes place on (so includes discord, twt, and jcink rps) and/or are made by people who originated from tumblr rp and still mostly run in those circles. since findrps was started on tumblr by tumblr rpers and still very much follows tumblr rp culture despite their growth, you’ll find almost all of the groups that advertise there will fall into this category, even if they might not necessarily have a tumblr main or anything.

[manicpixieirl]

june 20, 2023

So, one could say she’s been my best friend for a year

and also, she tops literally everyone else. We all have that one friend. Sarah is that one friend.

We’ve become even closer since she moved away, and she’s the first person who read these, back when I considered allowing them to collect dust on my google drive.

We are wildly similar and wildly opposite.

And this week we both had really weird encounters with ants.

She told me maybe she swallowed one in her sleep. I really didn’t want to engage in a conversation about how many bugs we realistically have already swallowed, so after she told me she might have swallowed a bug, I moved on and completely forgot about my best friend’s choking hazard.

Then I went to bed and found an ant on my pillow.

I’m the type of person that lets bugs outside instead of squishing them. A bug pacifist, if you will.

The last time I saw an ant inside, I was in the middle of a cross- country move. My dad was helping me move and somehow, our fresh off the lot Honda was infested with ants.

Ants everywhere. Ant mania. Antzapalooza.

That was the first time my dad saw me have a panic attack.

He wouldn’t see me have another until I got arrested 6 months later.

Despite the inconvenience, we cleared my car of the ants and eventually I completed my journey from the actual Mason - Dixon line to New England.

My dad and I had to kill a lot of ants, and I guess that’s why I take them outside now - because I feel bad for all the ants I had to kill in May of 2017.

When I saw that ant on my pillow, I was prepared for an infestation, but there was just one.

I let him outside and I took it as a sign.

Bestie and I each saw an ant.

(You’ll come to realize I’m a woo woo bitch who thinks everything is a sign, sometimes I genuinely wonder [and fear] whether or not that will go away with antipsychotics. I deeply enjoy being able to find meaning in anything- but it’s as double edged as you would think, because not everything has meaning- some things just exist as they are. Ants on pillows.)

Hey Siri, what’s the symbolism behind an ant?

Willpower

Diligence

Patience

Truth

Cooperation and teamwork

Fidelity

Power

Individual strength and even more strength in numbers

When I was moving, it was the single-most pivotal moment of my twenties. I left a man who was throwing me into walls and calling it love. Sometimes running is okay. I ran towards myself. I demonstrated willpower and embraced my truth.

My best friend is about to move, and I hope she realizes that that ant probably wasn’t trying to choke her. I think it was trying to tell her, “Hey Sarah, running is okay. You are strong. You are powerful. Go find your truth. And I’m sorry you thought I was trying to choke you. I accidentally fell in your mouth, won't happen again.”

Honestly, I wouldn’t have looked up what it means to come across an ant unless she came across one first. Strength in numbers.

I’m in the second-most pivotal point in my twenties. It’s my fifth day on antipsychotics and I feel grounded. I feel in touch. I feel like I just saw an ant, let it outside, and moved on with my day.

Before, every day felt like I was trapped in a Honda - surrounded by a million ants.

She and I will be just fine.

I will keep letting bugs outside, my bug pacifism continues on.

Unless you’re a tick. Nope.

[engagedtobefree]

Part 1 is here. Part 3 will be linked within this post.

Last week, there was a lot of me crying myself to sleep and barely sleeping at all. It’s been a real struggle to shut off my thoughts, even now. I don't understand anything that's going on. I don't even understand anything that's going on with me. I just wanted one thing to get better instead of worse. My stomach keeps twisting into knots that I don’t know how to even begin to undo. The twisting feeling works its way up into my chest and down my arms. I feel like a house that hasn’t settled, hitched up high and braced, ready to pick up my foundation and hightail it out of there. From where, I don't know. Everywhere, maybe.

I always get sadder in the warmer months. I don't know why; I've just always been like that. This summer so far feels a bit worse than the last few previous years, escalated by outside circumstances, I think. I know it’s more common for people in the darker, colder months, but I don’t know how common this is. I mean, Lana did sing about that summertime sadness. I'll come out of this eventually. I’m already starting to. I'll pick myself up just like I always do because I have to.

I got pulled over for speeding Friday morning on my way to work, which is fair. I’m pretty much always speeding, at least on the highway anyway; I’m a lot less likely to speed the smaller a road is. When the cop walked away, tears just unexpectedly started pouring out. To be clear, I am a very sensitive person - I literally own a t-shirt that says “I’m pretty cool but I cry a lot" - but I don’t ever cry for things like this. I don’t cry for getting pulled over. I am literally at my most fragile right now. I was wiping my face trying to pull it together before he came back, and surprisingly, he let me off with a warning. He shouldn’t have, but he did. I told him I appreciated it. I literally got a speeding ticket last summer (also on the way to work lol) and a parking ticket back in September. I don’t know if maybe he was giving me a break because of that or not, but it was one tiny little relief that I desperately needed.

I’ve been very neurotic the past few weeks. Last week, obviously, was the worst of it. I don’t know if it’s side effects from the Strattera, but I definitely didn’t have this going on last year when I was on it. I don’t know if it’s from my lack of practicing yoga, which I have largely fallen out of doing since late last year. I don’t know if it’s just the fallout from the accumulation of so many things over the course of many long, difficult months. I don’t know if it’s because my confidence has been the lowest it’s been in years. I don’t know if it’s the severe lack of sleep, or the lack of direction I’ve been feeling, if it’s how this year has amounted to nothing despite my most diligent and hardest efforts. I can’t remember the last time I worked so hard, yet unlike other times in my life, this hard work has sprouted absolutely nothing. I’ve been tending to soil where nothing has grown. My hands feel completely empty. It’s heart wrenching.

I can't bring myself to think anything badly about Chris. It's like I don't know how to. I generally don’t resort to calling anyone bad names unless I feel it’s truly deserved, and even then, I might not think or say anything like that anyway. I haven’t thought even once that he’s an asshole or anything because I don’t think that at all. It’s the farthest thing from what I think about Chris. There haven't even been any negative adjectives that pop up into my head about him. I still can only think good things about him. Even if all of this is actually true, I don’t think I even know how to be angry with him. There’s been a few small, brief moments of anger, but it didn’t feel directed at Chris, if that makes sense. I picture him in my mind and I don't see how this lines up with the man he appears to be. It doesn't fit. There's been moments of frustration with the lack of communication, but eventually I get to the conclusion that that's just a matter of perception, so I flip the way I'm looking at things and then I'm back to feeling content and patient. But eventually, the anxious thoughts come in, slowly rising up like mist from the ground, until it completely clouds my vision and way forward. Then I think about everything that has always seemed suspicious since the day he gave me his number: the lack of communication, the unwillingness to meet up, the oddness of how in-person he's all over me but afterwards he's a ghost. Then the excuses come in one by one: he might have things going on, he probably just moves really slow, maybe he's just flirty and not serious about these sorts of things. That's what I do. I give people excuses. I give people excuses until one day, that's all that's left, and then I don't know what to do with the card tower I've built with them except to knock it all down. Then I look at everything, collapsed and chaotic, and think about how I'm always voluntarily playing others' games that I'm never going to win. 

It’s not fair of me though to stack a new card tower built on assumptions. That becomes a game that Chris is never going to win. I feel bad for that one thing I wrote in my last post about him not being the only one going through things. It’s true, but I still feel bad. I know he told me for a reason. Maybe he is going through difficult stuff at the moment, and here I am upset about something he possibly did wrong like a year ago. I know I still have every right to be upset, but I can’t just not care about his well-being too. I also don’t think Chris is worse than Scott. They’re like, not even in the same book let alone on the same page. I don’t know how clear I made it, but I meant that lying would be worse. I always prefer honesty, even if it hurts, which unfortunately for me, it usually does.

Audrey told me I shouldn't have been left wondering, that it's not my job to play detective because someone else hasn't given me any answers that they should be offering up themselves. She does have a point. I know she's biased toward me though, so I always have to think of the flipside of things, which I always do anyway. Chris doesn't owe me any answers. He isn't obligated to tell me anything. That doesn’t give him the right to lead me on though. And I know I always have the power to ask. I’ve had that this whole time. Yeah, sure, ideally, someone should be giving an explanation without being prompted to, but people don’t always do that. Sometimes you have to ask them yourself, but for some reason, I just haven’t been able to. I don’t like that feeling of having to brace myself for the answer. I avoid it if it’s not necessary. Even when I had messaged Chris asking if he’s single and he didn’t respond until the next day, I felt at peace with not having an answer right away, but that bracing feeling was still there underneath of it. It was easier though because it wasn’t the main feeling. However, my heart dropped in the morning when I saw he responded. If I’m not asking questions, it’s because I know that there’s a possibility of it being an answer that will gut me. But Chris had responded, “Haha of course I’m single” as if it were the only answer there could possibly be. I breathed a sigh of relief, but somehow didn’t feel fully satisfied. Maybe because I messaged him instead of asking in-person like I had wanted to. Or maybe somehow I knew it was potentially not the truth. I don’t know.

Chris has always acted very strangely. Every time I tell Stacy something, even when I perceive it as positive, she always responds back, “he’s a weird man”. He is. He only ever seems to want to talk to me to compliment me; he mentioned us going on a date almost 7 months ago, yet didn’t explain further in the time since then; he hasn’t made his intentions known at all and instead has just kinda left me here in limbo wondering what the hell is going on and why he ever initiated anything in the first place. His peculiarity has been incredibly confusing, yet I also find it intriguing. More than I want answers, I want to figure out his reasoning, his motivations, his intentions. I want to see the gears that spin that make this make sense to him but not to me. I want to know all of his inner workings in a way that I have never cared about in anyone else before. I want to understand so that I can understand him better. I am more interested in the man behind all of this than the solutions that man could bring me. That also frustrates me, that I feel that way.

Then I just feel stupid. I feel stupid for caring so much, for allowing myself to get so hopeful about someone, for allowing myself to believe that any of what I'm feeling is reciprocated in any way. Audrey told me last night that anyone in my position would feel this way, but she's wrong. A lot of people wouldn’t have even gotten themselves into this position in the first place. A large chunk of people wouldn't have waited this long; they would've said "I'm out" and moved on by now. Another large chunk of people would have already asked him what's going on. Others wouldn't waste their feelings further on someone who has potentially been lying to them. So in what percentage does that leave me? Obviously, I can never know, but I do know it's a small one.

When I’m not anxious, I’m actually fine with everything. I’m not worried or wondering or suspicious about anything. It’s when the anxiety kicks in hard that it all kinda gets swept up into this tornado-like spiral. And if I wasn’t feeling so depressed in the first place alongside it, I probably wouldn’t have gone looking for anything. I would have just waited it out like I’ve been doing. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. But I also wasn’t looking simply because I was confused or anxious or down or frustrated. I was looking more so because I was curious, because there’s a lot of blanks, because my mind is always wondering about things. I always do this, and it never leads to me finding anything good. 

I do like Chris. I like what I’ve seen so far. Even the little frustrating bits I don’t mind, and they’re not really issues. Or maybe they are and I’m just pretending they’re not actual literal problems? I am struggling to sort through any of this. And idk how to resolve this. I don’t want to just pretend everything is okay, but I also don’t want to reach out randomly to address it. We’re not anything so there’s no need for me to do that. I really think I should only address it if he makes a move to take this anywhere. I don’t know if he really will or not. I also would like to not bring up anything in a message, because that’s just not a good way to work through anything, in my opinion. I’d much rather actually talk about things, but I’m not sure how I’d ever have any opportunity to do that. I keep thinking of hypothetical situations, but I don’t see how they’d work in real life. For example, say he asked me on a date, how am I supposed to ask mid-date if he’s actually single? It would be a little bit too late for that, wouldn’t it? I had several opportunities to ask him in person but didn’t because I was literally shaking from fear the first time and the second time I had resolved to trust everything, including him. 

Stacy has been telling me for many long months now to call him out, to ask him what’s going on. But every time I think I might actually do that, I swing in the other direction and resolve to just be patient. I change my mind a lot. It takes me a very long time to decide on something, and for this, I don’t know what I want to do at all. Over the course of just a few days I considered different ways to bring it up, different ways to simply state it or ask it, or whether or not I’m gonna just let it go and stop worrying about it, but none of it feels like the right decision. I know it probably won’t matter anyway. There’s only one way this is going to come out of me if it does come out, and that’s through hot tears. I know how I am. I’m never going to call him out on it unless it’s happening right then and there. So time is going to pass and I’m going to let it go because that’s what I do. He’s going to message me or I’m gonna see him again in 4 months and I’m going to be bubbly and happy-go-lucky and content to just talk and laugh because that’s how I always am because I don’t know how to hate anyone for even 5 seconds. My anger comes and then it’s gone and it doesn’t come back unless someone flares it up again with something new. That’s always how it is. And for something like this, the anger isn’t anger; it’s grief, it’s sadness, it’s pain, but it’s never actually true anger. It’s just me being hurt. 

I know there’s a small chance that me writing all of this and being upset is for nothing. There’s that tiny little possibility that this is not what it seems, or that even if it isn’t what it seems that it was never going to go anywhere anyway, so I’m just getting worked up over nothing. I always feel like I’m too much, like my emotions are too much, like my reactions are too much. I am always striving to be some picture-perfect person that I logically know does not exist. There’s a song that came on Friday on my drive home (it actually ended just as I was pulling into my parking space) called Lovely Enough by Emily James, and I think that sums up how I feel pretty well. It’s how I’ve felt my entire life.

I get the sense a lot of times that I see myself all wrong, that I don’t see myself the way others do. I remember one time, a few years back, when Amanda learned I wrote poetry she told me how that made sense because my whole energy was poetic. That surprised me. I never expect anyone to speak of me in such a nice way, even the people who never say anything bad about me. I also never thought of my own energy as anything even remotely close to something as poetic. Both Amanda and I got Friday the 13th tattoos last October, and I got mine done after hers since we were getting tattooed by the same artist. She stepped outside while I was finishing up, and during that time she was talking to two younger women. I walked up to them and just said hello, not really offering up anything else. I’m not great at chatting up people I don’t know, especially in an unstructured environment. Amanda told them about the tattoo I got and they asked to see, and they both said how it fits me really well. I was surprised by that, that people who just met me got a feel for who I am despite me not even saying literally two words to them. It confused me. Another thing with Amanda is that the past two times she’s introduced me to other friends, she’s done it in a weird way. I saw her back in April and May, and both times we ended up meeting up with other friends of hers, the first time because her car broke down and she needed a jump and the second time because we were at an event in her neighborhood. She introduced me in this exact way: “This is my friend, Dana, who is perfect and has absolutely never done anything wrong in her life.” I know that might come across as possibly sarcastic through text, but she was dead serious. Amanda knows me, so she knows I’m not going to tell her to not do that in front of people I don’t know, and she also knows that I will completely forget about it for the rest of the night so that it will become irrelevant once I do actually remember some time later on. I also know why she was doing it. She was doing it because she knows how I feel. She knows that I feel this way about myself, that I feel like I’m too much and that I over-burden myself with every little self-perceived flaw and mistake and negative emotion. That I pick myself apart until I’m just a raw and bloody open wound.

I’m reminded of a book I read recently, The Fox Wife by Yangsze Choo. The chapters alternate between two different narrators: one is a fox spirit who is in her human form and another is a detective. When the two characters finally meet, we get to see the fox spirit from the detective’s perspective, and it’s completely different from how I pictured her based on her own internal monologue. I feel like that kind of, like how I view myself is skewed by only having my own perspective to go off of most of the time. There’s times I’ve gone back and looked at videos of myself and caught glimpses of my own energy, of how I might come across to others. I think that possibly others see softness whereas I only ever see jagged, harsh edges. That’s where the confusion comes in. This video came to mind. It’s from 6 years ago, at my old apartment. I recorded a few videos of myself just making different faces, trying to get a sense I guess of what looked good on camera. I was really surprised by the end result and how I came across, that feeling there of myself that is different from pictures. Sometimes after yoga and meditation, all of that inner fog clears away and there I am, that Self beneath my self, and it’s a really nice feeling to remember who I am at my core. 

Anyway, I’m going to leave all of this here and post the rest on my new side blog. It’s not anything bad about Chris, it’s just embarrassing thoughts I have that I don’t want to post here. I’m tired of being so cringe on main. This new blog is password-protected, but I don’t care if anyone actually reads it (it’s like, the easiest password I could have ever made for anyone to guess). I just wanted a place where I could post more privately without being found by most people. It’s not accessible in the app, only in a web browser, and I don’t come up in any search results, not on here or on Google. My stuff also can’t be reblogged, though I’m not sure if it can be liked or not. I mainly made it so that I could organize my poetry and keep track of edits I want to work on, but there’s also going to be some personal posts here and there, pictures, things like that.

So now I’m going to write about the medium event. I still feel how I felt about it before I went. I don’t know if it was real or not, though I do plan on taking the advice I got from it. I feel like in the end, that’s what matters most. I’ve told 5 people about it so far, and 4 out of those 5 people believe it. The one non-believer was my dad, who I talked to Saturday night. He was drunk, of course, when he called me. He said it was too generic, which were my thoughts too, except for a few things. He also thought that the guy I saw had done research on all 30 people there somehow or had someone behind the scenes telling him stuff in his ear. I didn’t agree with him on that part lol.

So the set-up was two long rows in a small room. The woman who hosted the event in her space promised us that she didn’t give the medium, Rich, our names or information beforehand. She told us that if we felt like something pertained to us, to raise our hands, and Rich told us the same thing after he came out and gave his little spiel. So I’m sitting in the second row, two seats in from the end, and he came over and said there was someone on the other side for someone over here. He gestured to the area where I was sitting, which included about 6-8 of us. The first thing he said was that there was a male spirit, and he was saying the names Joe, John, and Anthony. I perked up. My dad’s name is Joe, and two of his brothers, my uncles, are John and Mark Anthony (he has two first names). The rest of what he said made me unsure though, because it wasn’t specific enough: messed up teeth, died from something he was affected by too much (he worded it kind of weird? Like it sounded less like an illness and more like some type of affliction), they were a father-figure, someone had a tiny dog with a cute name (would be my grandma, also on my dad’s side), and that someone’s birthday was coming up in July (I thought my Aunt Mary, my dad’s sister, at first, but her birthday is in June; however, I did find that my grandma’s birthday was July 3rd). Then he said that the spirit was referencing someone’s fingertips, that someone had cut the tip of their finger off while working. That would be my dad; he cut off a chunk of his thumb tip many years back while at work. The medium asked us if anything was resonating, and I raised my hand up about halfway, but a woman in front and to the left of me shot her arm up. Rich said he’d get back to me, and focused his attention on her (spoiler alert: he never got back to me). So he started giving her specific messages, but there were a few things that she said didn’t pertain to her, though they definitely pertained to me. He said how the spirit was saying that there’s more to the fingertips thing, that she is good with her hands. She said no, but that would be me. I’ve always been artistic in multiple ways, and good at all of those things as well: fine arts, music, and writing. My whole life really, that’s all I’ve ever been good at, aside from teaching. The message the spirit had was to not stop doing those things, whatever they were. Rich said the spirit was also saying something about a beaded necklace or bracelet breaking that was significant, and again the woman said that wasn’t her. For the latter half of last year, I wore an agate beaded bracelet all the time. I have a bunch of crystals, though I’m not super into them, but I do believe everything is energy so that they must have some sort of function. I had bought this bracelet years ago but only wore it occasionally, and I was wearing it because agate is meant to promote healing. When anything beaded breaks, it’s supposed to mean that you don’t need it anymore. I set the intention that when the bracelet broke, it meant I’d be healed enough for a relationship again. It broke back in December. I’m still not 100% convinced I’m ready for a relationship, at least as of right now, though I may have been more convinced of that even just 2 weeks ago, but anyway, yeah, it broke and it had significance. Rich said that this spirit also wanted to convey the message that you (me and this woman) have medium abilities and to work on honing that skill, to stop relying on outside sources like tarot cards (lol me) and to go within more. He said to start with looking at random pictures of people and to try and guess things about them. I’ve definitely had a few of my own experiences with the other side, though I don’t really know that I have a full-on ability for it. Doesn’t hurt to try it out, I guess.

Rich moves onto the other side of the room and a new spirit. It’s a woman this time, and she died from something involving her lungs. There’s a man there with her who was her husband, and he died from something regarding his heart, though Rich said specifically it seemed like a heart attack. They were saying a “Kah” sounding name, like Carol. My mom’s name is Carol and her mom died from lung cancer and her dad died from a major heart attack. I waited for more info, and I wasn’t sure again that the rest fit. There were a few things that did though. The woman spirit said there was someone who nursed her that she wanted to thank, but Rich said he wasn’t sure that it was necessarily a nurse, just that they took on that role for that woman. That would be my mom. My mom told me all about taking care of my grandma at home while she was sick, from bathing her to cutting her hair to taking her out for walks in her wheelchair. He said the male spirit was an alcoholic and that he had a lot of regrets about the way he chose to live. I was telling my mom all of this earlier last week, and she said that was definitely her dad. He died a year and a half after my grandma did, and my mom said during that entire time he never stopped talking about how he regretted not giving my grandma everything she had wanted in life, how he always spent his money and his weekends drinking. My mom told me that he kept insisting that my grandma was still around, that she was visiting him and telling him he needed to come with her. My mom thought he was crazy at the time, but then after he died my mom said she started getting those visions, though my grandma wasn’t saying the same thing to her. My mom said she’s heard many times that the Irish have special connections with spirits. Based on what I know about Celtic and Irish mythology, that tracks. My mom fully believed it was her parents that day. She told me that I definitely have people on both sides of my family looking out for me. I find it interesting that it’s family I’ve never met.

The event was two hours, and for about the next hour or so, nothing else fit me. I checked the time and could see we were nearing the end. Rich was on the other side of the room with his back turned to my side when this next bit happened. He was finishing up with someone, though I would say not quite done yet, and he said there was a spirit coming through with the Joe, John, and Anthony names again. They were persistent. I perked back up. Then Rich said the spirit mentioned a roof, and he asked the guy in the room he had previously been talking to if that pertained to him. The guy said no. Rich said that the spirit was communicating something dangerous about a roof, and he thinks the spirit is saying that someone fell off of it. I shot my arm up. That has to be for me. I know that if this is in fact real, that it’s my Uncle Albert. Rich then said, “He says he has a Vincent there with him”. My cousin Vincent on my dad’s side died 10 years ago this past May. He said the spirit also kept saying a name that started with a Da, though he couldn’t make out the name; he thought maybe Daniel. There was also a P name somewhere in there. My name is Dana and my last name starts with a P. I keep my arm raised. He said the spirit also mentioned how whoever this message is for works with groups of people in some capacity. I’m a yoga teacher. I kept my arm raised even as he continued to ignore my side of the room, only asking the other side if it pertained to them, to which everyone responded “no”. I kept my arm raised even as he moved onto a new spirit. My arm was straight up in the air Hermione Granger style. I didn’t bend my elbow even once. I sat up straighter, as if his back had eyes and could see me if I made a little more effort. After my arm got tired, I switched arms. About ten minutes into me sitting there, the woman hosting the event tells Rich, “Uhh there’s a woman in the back who has had her arm raised for about 10 minutes now.” She gives me an approving look and smiles at me. I switch arms again and another 10 minutes goes by. Rich finally begins to turn and as he does, another woman in the back raises her arm. She’s sitting in the middle so he sees her before he sees me. She says how she thinks one of the spirits there had been for her, but Rich ignores this. He says the Joe, John, Anthony spirit is there again and his message is that he knows you’re different from others and that you also know this, but to never change that about yourself, that it’s a good thing. Then he calls it a night.

The woman that hosted the event came up to me afterwards and apologized, then she asked me what I had written down and who I thought the message was from. I start to tell her and as I do I choke up. I haven’t really been given the space recently to be listened to, though I’ve been giving that a lot to others lately, and here was this woman I didn’t even know taking the time to care and listen. I didn’t feel emotional the entire time, but I guess I was affected by the whole thing in some sort of capacity. I never got to specifically talk through Rich, but I decided that regardless of whether it was real or just coincidences, that I would take those little bits of advice with me since they did seem relevant. Also, it didn’t escape me that if this was in fact real, it began and ended with messages for me. My dad didn’t believe it. He said whoever I wanted to hear from couldn’t hear me, that they were “too far away”. My mom 100% believed it was real and so did Stacy, though Stacy absolutely loves paranormal stuff so she was never not going to believe it lol. I also told my friend Ahmad since I hung out with him the weekend after, and he thought it was real too. I told him how I have always felt different, especially in the sense that my perceptions and beliefs have always been very different from others. This has always gotten me mixed reactions. Some people it angers, other people it perplexes, and then some others it leaves filled with awe and admiration. One good example is that in all of my art and art history classes throughout college, my professors always fell into that last category. I’ve always had really unique ways of looking at things, and of course the most eccentric of the world (ie. college art professors) loved this. I always came in with perspectives no one else had, seeing things that no one else would see. My professors would even tell me that they never had students with my take on things before. Honestly, they were probably the people who validated my uniqueness the most. Maybe I should go back to art school lol. Oh this also happened in writing classes too. Pretty much the same scenario. Not just in college, but throughout elementary and high school too. Maybe I should go back to school in general, be a student forever lol. Anyway, I also told my friend Carly this past Sunday. She has a very gentle, earthy energy, so she really just listened to everything intently and afterwards told me it sounded really wonderful. I haven’t seen her in awhile, so it was really nice to catch up, and it was really nice of her to listen.

I will get into this more on some other posts, probably on my private blog though. There’s some more things I’ve been wanting to write about for a while now that I think I’m ready to finally write about.

[peaches2217]

You do have a pattern though. And please hear me out here, I swear I'm not saying this to be mean. I actually really like you as a creator, but I've noticed over time how you always inevitably go back to treating yourself like sh*t whenever something displeases you and how no consoling words from your friends ever seem to have any real lasting effect in the long run. You are your own bully and that absolutely needs to stop. Nobody wants you to stop writing, or at least I sure as hell don't. I just think that no mere online hobby should justify neglecting your own peace of mind and wellbeing to such an extent.

That I can acknowledge. It’s not for lack of appreciation; I was raised to believe that, if someone offers you a criticism and words of love in the same breath, you focus on that criticism and don’t you DARE openly accept those words of love, because then you’re telling everyone you care more about having nice things said about yourself than you do about self-improvement. It indicates one is fishing for attention. But then acknowledging and honing in on the criticism instead of the love ALSO makes me an attention whore. It’s an ingrained series of patterns and contradictions that I’ve had beat into my head and that I’m struggling to find a happy balance with. I don’t mean to come across as aloof or ungrateful. I just want people to know that I’m trying. I’m sincerely sorry.

It’s not just this hobby, it’s everything in my life that reflects these patterns. I’ll beat myself into the ground if I microwave my Pop-Tarts too long and they’re a little tough. When you’re autistic and raised on the “God first, others second, me last” mindset, you tend to take that to heart so hard that even pushing 30, that’s what you fall back into when you’re not feeling good. Y’know?

I’m sorry. I sincerely appreciate the kind words of friends and I never wanted anyone to think otherwise. I’ve got a separate side blog specifically for placing my negative thoughts; I’ll be more diligent about separating the two out so this doesn’t happen here again!