#I also know very little abt disco elysium but I do at least own it on switch

[brinnanza]

I don't really know anything abt homestuck but I was Assigned Dave Kin at the group chat and I do sorta feel like maybe this is a Harry Dubois sorta kin situation like oh that's not a great sign is it no one's kinning Harry Dubois if they're like doing great in life

[porcelain-dollbones]

long mh post but positive (?). just describing the way i think and my parts. self harm and suicide mentioned tho

i am writing this down bcos i have never written it down before, and i think it will be good to.

so i conceptualise my self as a number of 'parts' acting in tandem, each with their own wants, needs, and ways of behaving. everyone is like this in some way i think, but due to my various experiences and mental makeup mine are a lot more conflicting than most. i developed this understanding to help me reconcile and deal with my own often extremely contradictory thoughts, desires & beliefs. when i am acting in an extreme way i view this as "being in" one of my parts. i suppose they essentially represent different mindsets i often fall into. this is not to say they are not me, or i am not myself when acting in an extreme way. i am always myself, even when i do things i later regret. my self is just a little variable. this way of thinking also helps me to be nicer to myself, as i feel much worse being mean to my parts than to myself as a whole. bcos i made them cute.

i dont consider myself to be a system/plural or to have DID. i gave these parts intentional names and faces myself, and it wasnt until i did this that i heard their voices independently, rather than as just part of my own thoughts. there is almost never disassociation between my parts even when i am clearly most influenced by one. they are not separate 'personalities', just different pieces of the one me. ultimately i dont rlly care how its categorised though. this is just my subjective experience.

i feel silly making this comparison but honestly the closest representation ive seen to how i think is harry's thoughts in disco elysium- chiming in, making suggestions, offering commentary, disagreeing, chattering with eachother sometimes. i hear this inside my head, not as outside voices, and it usually takes at least a little effort to "tune in" and hear them properly instead of just a jumble of voices like my thoughts were before i intentionally separated them. sometimes though its very obvious who's talking without having to think abt it. i am not able to perform this separation when i am too deeply in one mindset- i can hear the other parts talking but i cant think of myself as being in one part.

when im in a calm spot, i can leave the present and go to my 'realm'. this is a very calm and safe place that i have built in my head (it wld take too long to describe bcos it is quite large and detailed but what matters is that it feels like a physical space to me). in my realm i am able to directly 'see' my parts and talk to them as if they were separate people, which is very useful for understanding what each of them wants or is upset or happy about. sometimes i also hold them or am held by them. our usual place to meet formally is a small white iron table under a wisteria by the river, where we have tea and discuss things. when i or one of them is upset and needs soothing, we will often sit on the hillside in the flowers and look out over the river and beyond. it is sometimes difficult or distressing to talk to my parts, and sometimes they say difficult or distressing things whether i am intentionally listening or not. but i know that all of them are simply trying their best. anyway, these are my parts as i currently understand them:

neferu: neferu was the very first part i conceptualised, during the period of several months i spent in hospital. she holds many of my deepest, most difficult and most dangerous feelings. she has the appearance of an opalescent, milky-white serpent with a black mouth, and when i am upset i can physically feel her coiling around inside my ribcage and squeezing my heart, my lungs, my viscera. she spends most of her time asleep and only talks occasionally, when she is roused. when she does it is often angry and bitter. she feels things are hopeless and wishes us to give up, and she speaks my suicidal thoughts. when she talks through me to other people it is often frightening and difficult for them. my friends have largely requested i do not speak to them while in that mindset, which is very understandable. despite this i do not think she is evil. she is only trying to protect me in her own way, and bears my pain. she is a snake because snakes to me are beautiful and protective, but also dangerous and must be approached carefully.

cosette: not related to the les miserables character. i just like the name. she is the part of me that desperately desires love and connection and gets very upset when she feels abandoned or betrayed. most of the time she looks like a large multicoloured beetle with feathered wings under her elytra, but sometimes i turn her into something else to make fun of her or hug her (these are two of the best ways to make her calm down). very, very jealous and possessive. she is possibly the absolute loudest part, especially when she gets riled up which happens very easily. when this happens she flies around in buzzing, noisy circles in my head. most of my self-harm urges come from her. she can be quite exhausting but i love her, because i know she only wants love. cosette gets along best with ganymede.

ganymede: my vanity, my ego, my self-confidence. ganymede looks like a beautiful androgynous figure with moth wings or simply like a huge, fluffy white moth. they are supremely convinced of their (and our) own incredible beauty, intelligence and deservingness. it is very rare for me to be "in" ganymede but when it happens it feels thrilling and energising. ganymede does actually talk often but tends to get shouted down or drowned out. they very much enjoy teasing my other parts, especially genevieve. ganymede can be extremely helpful and can be a huge boost, but they are very unrestrained and selfish, uncaring about boundaries and self-assured to the point of arrogance. this can sometimes enable self-destructive behaviours. also loves arguing.

genevieve: genevieve is responsible, dutiful, proper. she is the reason i dont wear skirts above the knee and cant say swear words. she looks like a wind-up doll with a doe's head. she is very 'functional' and i will intentionally embody genevieve when i am at work. she makes me sit up straight and attend to my duties and is usually the part to drag me out of bed when i feel paralysed. she is very prone to guilt-tripping and berating when i act in a way that is irresponsible or improper, and is quite scathing of the other parts, particularly ganymede. more than anything she loathes my work in prostitution. to everyone else who is not my parts, however, she is very polite. she is also in charge of the doll-maids who keep my realm's manor tidy (the doll-maids are also versions of me).

morgie: the most 'normal' part of me (for a given definition of normal). mostly level-headed and rational but a bit jumpy and superstitious. cannot be trusted when talking about anything "unreal" but reliable otherwise. the 'voice of reason' and head negotiator when things get heated. unfortunately prone to sarcasm. never the first to speak, but tends to chime in to reply to other parts. she looks like me but a little prettier bcos i cant help myself. she wears lovely dresses.

my teen self: hangs around. talks sometimes but i dont listen. we do not get along. not allowed in the manor and not particularly welcome at meetings. i dont know where my teen self goes at night when everyone else is sleeping in the manor and honestly i dont care. looks like me as a teen, obviously (read: ugly). lulu: my child self. she is very, very quiet and essentially never speaks at all. i feel terrible for her and wish i could help her more. she is the only one allowed into my secret bedroom in the manor as sometimes she wants to sleep next to me. she is often very scared. she looks, of course, like me as a child, but she wears big ruffly dresses that i never actually wore, and her hair is much longer. she is most afraid of neferu and gets along best with morgie. missy: i wrote about her recently. the part of me left over when i disassociate. she deals with my clients and other difficult things. totally apathetic. doesnt talk and doesnt respond when spoken to. barely aware we even exist, i think. i feel very bad for her but there is not much i can do. she fulfills an incredibly important role and i cannot even say thank you. she looks like a vague, flickering shadow.

my future self: i have to call her this because i do not know her name. she has promised to one day tell me. she is who i am meant to become. i never see her directly and do not know what she looks like, but she is vast and luminous and warm, and i think has very long, wavy hair, and perhaps even beautiful wings. she appeared quite unbidden one day without me purposefully envisioning her, which makes her very unique among my parts. at times she stands behind me, and wraps me in her arms and holds me very gently. she is unfailingly patient and kind no matter what, even when i am at my worst. i know that i am supposed to become her, but it is very hard to believe i can. i know i have other parts that i have not put a face and name to yet, because sometimes there are voices or mindsets that are unfamiliar. i will get to them in time. if u actually read this far thank u lots. some of my friends will easily recognise some of these mindsets i think. that is all i have to write. 🌷🌷🌷