#I also had a different dream that the game grumps were guests over for dinner at my house. that one was sli

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

I am so unfathomably excited for game grumps v3 that I’ve started having almost nightly danganronpa dreams again

[the-zodiacs-written-in-the-stars]

Writer’s Month Day 26: Wedding

Three years prior to the main-story, Rick and Lizzy go to New Orleans to attend her sister’s wedding.

“I think this is too early. Is this too early? This is too early.”

Lizzy smiled fondly and rolled her eyes at her boyfriend before she leaned in and kissed his cheek. He was behind the steering wheel, driving them to New Orleans. Ricky was truly adorable.

“We've been dating for a year. You met my parents already”, pointed Lizzy out. “And I have spent countless family dinners with your family by now. Don't be like this.”

“Your parents. But not your siblings”, muttered Rick with a frown.

“Because they're always all over the place”, huffed Lizzy dismissively. “Besides, you do know the woman of the hour. My sister insists on you being at her wedding, so you will be at her wedding.”

Rick grumbled though he did shut up. He did know Laureen personally and he also knew the groom – Doctor Charles Jones, their ME. Him and Mike regularly worked close with him. He was rather grumpy and tended to keep to himself mostly. Himself and the woman he loved.

“Besi—ides, you get a private tour of New Orleans from yours truly”, declared Lizzy.

She grinned at him and winked, making him sigh and nod.

~*~

Quanna Liddell was a bright woman, her smile was contagious as she pulled Rick into a hug. Her dreadlocks were put up in a high pony-tail, held up with a purple band that matched her dress. She was curvy in build, very different from Elizabeth and Laureen, both her daughters being more on the insanely tall, skinny side, something they may have inherited from their father Dean.

“It's so good to see you again!”, exclaimed Quanna with a smile.

Quanna and Dean had come to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving, spending it with Rick's family after Rick had invited them. With all their kids having moved out by now, they gladly took the invitation to spend their Thanksgiving with at least two of their kids; Doc and Laureen had happily come too (well, Laureen had, Doc had just glared. Until he had gotten to the pumpkin pie Rick's mom had made and Rick swore he had never seen the big grump this happy before in his life).

“You two are going to stay in Lizzy's old bedroom, if you don't mind”, offered Dean.

He smiled and patted Rick on the back. Dean was more the body-type of his daughters. Skinny tall with high cheek-bones. He was so easy going that seeing him always relaxed Rick. Which was a blessing; he had always been afraid of meeting a dad, like an actual over-protective dad type. Dean had just laughed and dismissed him when Rick had first met him and been dreadful of any threats. He had said he trusted his daughter's judgment and if she saw something in him, it must be there.

“Sounds perfect to me”, nodded Rick, relieved he got to share a room with his girlfriend.

“You haven't met our other children yet, have you?”, asked Dean. “Come on in.”

Rick nodded and followed Dean and Quanna inside. So far, from driving through the streets, he had to admit that he really liked this city. The visual of it was great. Inside the house, in what looked like a very lived-in living room (so many decorations – it reminded him of Lizzy and all the small figures and things she collected. Apparently, that ran in the family too), there were already four people. Rick frowned a little confused. He was under the impression that Lizzy and Laureen only had three siblings. He did another head-count. No. There were four.

“Guys!”, exclaimed Lizzy excitedly.

She ran up to them and hugged them one by one. Rick smiled as the tallest man got up to shake hands. “I'm Frank. Lizzy's older brother. And this is my wife Anabel. It's good to finally meet you. Lizzy talks a lot about you.”

Anabel lifted a hand and waved at him. Okay. Frank had moved away from New Orleans ten years ago with his wife, Rick remembered that Lizzy told him that. The second born, being the second one to move out but staying longer at home than Laureen who had moved out at twenty-two, as soon as she had enough money to go and try to live her dream in Los Angeles. That left the two youngest. Henry and Mary. Mary was twenty-one and studying art in... Europe. Somewhere. Rick couldn't remember. Henry was a musician, a singer and guitarist who constantly toured the states, playing at bars and living from day to day (Quanna had spent half of Thanksgiving complaining about that. She worried about her son. Rightfully so, Rick would probably have a meltdown too if he had a kid and that kid would be out there, traveling and living from day to day).

“Mh. Not bad”, commented Mary, her eyebrows raised as she looked at Rick.

She was shorter than her sisters but somehow still on the more lanky side, her hair put up in two knots, one on either side of her head. Henry next to her slowly pulled his headphones off when he noticed the new arrivals and also turned his full attention toward Rick.

“Not bad indeed”, agreed Henry with a grin. “Very pretty.”

“Guys. Stop flirting with my boyfriend, he's taken”, grunted Lizzy possessively.

“It's already late, you must be tired”, sighed Quanna concerned. “You want to go to bed, or eat something first? We did save you some dinner, you know.”

“Ma, I'd never say no to dad's cooking”, stated Lizzy seriously.

Rick grinned as he followed toward the kitchen. The entire family trailed after them too, because apparently late second dinner seemed very tempting. The whole time they ate, Henry and Mary bickered to the point of throwing food to which Dean chuckled and Quanna laughed. It... felt like home. It reminded Rick of family dinners with his own family. So many different personalities.

~*~

The next day was the day of the wedding. Rick had to admit that Laureen looked absolutely breathtaking in her white dress with the soft purple flowers decorating her cleavage and the lower end of the frilly dress. Her bridesmaids were her sisters Lizzy and Mary, as well as her best friend – Sunny Korrapati. Rick had seen Sunny a couple times at the hospital already when visiting injured victims or witnesses, she was one of the top surgeons in New York and, as the nickname suggested, an absolute sunshine personality. She had gone to med school with Charles and met his best friend through him. Now she was the maid of honor at Charles' wedding. That was cute. Rick couldn't wait to have his best friend as his best man at his own wedding. He side-eyed Lizzy and blushed a bit.

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and the food afterward was delicious. Rick and Lizzy were sitting at the same table as the Liddell-family, of course. And aside from them were the maid of honor and the best man... who was a best woman, who was actually Rick's boss.

“Uhm. Captain Lacroix. Fancy seeing you here, ma'am”, grinned Rick awkwardly.

The captain looked unimpressed at him. “It's no secret Charles and I are close friends. But if you show anyone at the precinct photos of me in a dress, I will personally make you give speeding tickets for the rest of your career, Alfaro.”

“Yes, ma'am”, squeaked Rick and gulped hard.

The captain was really very scary and Rick was absolutely terrified of her on a good day. There was no way he was ever telling anyone about how pretty she could look with princess-curls and in a dress. He had ever only seen her in suits and with her hair up in a messy bun and a glare on her face that would only soften the tiniest bit after about five coffees in the morning.

“Amy, please stop threatening the guests”, requested Laureen with a sigh.

“Not when your guest is one of my punk officers”, grunted Amy sternly.

“But I thought he was a good one. Alfaro, you always talk highly of him”, offered Sunny.

She frowned confused as she sipped her champagne, while Amy growled. “That was a private conversation over Monopoly, Sunny. Respect the game night rules.”

“Game night? With the captain?”, whispered Rick doe-eyed.

“Of course”, grunted Doc and rolled his eyes. “You still don't get that she is my best friend. We're close. And me and my... wife... have regular game nights with our best friends.”

Rick nodded and looked from the darkly glaring Captain Lacroix to the grumpy Doc. Best friends. It figured. He could just picture them braiding each other's hair – well, Doc didn't have hair, but still. In all reality, the two probably spent lunch by sitting together and glaring intensely and that... was bonding. Still, the stark contrast between those two and Sunny and Laureen was incredible. Laureen was a pastel-colored pastry chef and bakery owner, while Sunny in her all pink outfit and with her bright smiles alone lit up the whole room. How... did those four fit together into one game-night...? Rick shook his head amused, before being pulled out of his chair by Lizzy.

“Dance with me instead of bugging people”, demanded Lizzy amused.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and immediately everything around them seemed forgotten as Rick got lost in her dark, warm eyes. Everything about this was surreal to him – he was so used to being the one with the family that welcomed everyone in that it was odd to be on the receiving end of such a thing, then seeing two people he was used to seeing at the workplace and with stern expressions both so... soft now (not that he'd ever call the captain that to her face, but in that dress, with that make-up and hair...? She looked soft)? A large part of him really wanted to get a picture of the captain so he could show it to Mike – he would understand why all of this was so baffling! And the idea of the captain and Doc playing Monopoly was just... out of this universe. Parallel universe maybe? Mh. Maybe they had crossed into one on their drive to New Orleans.

“I love your parents. And your siblings are awesome. And this city is... amazing”, hummed Rick. “I'm... glad you took me as your plus one, Lizabella.”

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her, earning a very pleased look from Lizzy. “Boy, you make for a yummy arm-candy of course did I take you with me. You think I want to show up single on my own sister's wedding? Especially on a count-down wedding like this.”

“Count-down wedding?”, echoed Rick confused.

“Frankie was the first to get married, much to no one's surprise. He had his whole life planned out in precise details. Getting married before he was 30 was one of them. Laureen took it slower, but still she is the firstborn so it figures she'd get married too at some point. See the math? Firstborn, second born... I'm the third born”, elaborated Lizzy with an eyeroll. “Oh, don't look like a startled deer I'm not proposing. But it still looks better to at least have a partner on a wedding.”

“And Mary and Henry?”, asked Rick curiously, looking over her shoulder at the youngest Liddells.

“Mary's too focused on her art-studies and the fact that she's all the way in Paris makes it easy to hide whatever she's got going on in her love-life”, replied Lizzy. “For all I know she could be in a committed relationship. She's never been a fan of relationship gossip. And Henry has a new boyfriend in every city he tours. His life-style doesn't necessarily help with long-term relationships. Besides, they will most definitely wait until I'm getting married before worrying about that.”

“You said not to worry, but I do start to pressured”, noted Rick lightly.

“I mean”, drawled Lizzy with a mischievous smile before she leaned in and kissed him slowly. “You are very cute. Steady income. Lovely family that seems to like me alright too. Keep playing your cards right and who knows where our relationship leads us, pretty boy.”

Rick grinned at that and pulled her some closer, close enough so he could kiss her again. Wedding plans were maybe a little too early, they really had only been dating for a year. But this was maybe the most intense relationship Rick ever had and if he was being honest with himself, the thought of Lizzy in a wedding dress was the opposite of scary for him.

[gingeralecans]

Dream Daddy: My Problem w/The Joseph Route and Character Analysis; Before and After Release-

When I first discovered Dream Daddy, a Dad Dating Simulator, I was ecstatic. There had never been a game like this, or at least I'd never seen a game like this before. When I mean "like this" of course I mean the style of being a dad wholesomely dating other dads. Most dating sims are men dating women, women dating men, the "Meet N Fuck" games on New grounds (I guess they count). I enjoyed the fact that this game wasn't based on sex, had diverse characters, and an interesting plot. I also enjoyed that it was mlm, a rarity of sorts in dating sims. To say the least, it was a lot of things I thought were good, combined into one good game.

My first choice in dad was the so called "Bad Dad", Robert Small. My thing has always been for the "edgy" character types. Robert fit the bill and I was ready to pay my tab. But Then some sneak peek play through’s came out. I hadn't known about them, they just kinda popped up in my feed and I eagerly decided to watch the streams for any juicy content my eyes could devour. The first one I watched was on Youtube, the games creators playing with a few faces I think were either friends or co-workers on this game. They only managed to get to Robert's infamous after the bar scene, when he invites you to walk home with him. I was still p/invested in Robert. The first dad we met, however, was Joseph. Joseph came off as polite, sympathetic, and funny. He offered cookies as any neighborly neighbor would do for their new neighbor. He apologized for his mistake when bringing up the subject of the deceased spouse. He even gave some kind advice, sympathizing with how it was hard to preform as a parent by one's self and that, if the advice was needed or just a ear to vent to, he'd be happy to offer them. It was touching. After Joseph and before Robert, we met Mary. Didn't know who Mary was at the time because we didn't get that far in this particular video. I didn't really like or dislike her when we saw her at the bar. She did make me curious as to what her role was in the game and that's about it. The next video was the day before the first stated release. Twitch stream with the game creators and the Game Grumps. We managed to get all the way through Roberts "after the bar scene." I was still hanging onto Robert, though the next morning, after they had the character sleep with him, put me off. What not with Robert giving off this "Why are you still in my house?" atmosphere towards the character the gamer plays. I was still hanging in there though. The other dads were interesting and I mildly connected with Mat, but only through his social anxiety. They managed to get to the bar-b-q scene. In this instant, I started to shift from Robert to Joseph.

Why the sudden, and extreme, shift? It was strange to me too. Joseph was definitely not my usual drink of choice, so to speak. It was like going from hard liquor straight to water, maybe with some flavoring powder in it. Maybe. But I understood where my soft spot for him was coming from. When I watched this second stream, I was analyzing  his and Mary's character and how they acted towards each other, as well as others. I wasn't exactly paying close attention, but it kind of grabbed me enough to note the things I did. During the bar-b-que I couldn't help but to see Joseph struggle with Mary and her "antics." The way she spoke to Joseph, how she disregarded their possibly lost child twice, paying more attention to her wine then anything else. Joseph had to collect himself multiple times, obviously well versed on how Mary operated by now was my assumption, knowing how to handle things. He had concern for his children, seemed thoughtful of his guests by preparing them food particular to their diets, talked on his religious beliefs, but only briefly and never shoving the "good word" down anyone's throats. Despite his wife causing him stress he managed to keep things together and be an excellent host and father. The stream ended with exemplary dad jokes about grilling and bar-b-q's.

What I took from the second stream and first stream combined was a sort of theory, if not character analysis, on Joseph and Mary's personalities and relationship as husband and wife, prior to the games release. From what I saw, Joseph was a dutiful father, well respected by the community but not by his wife. I suspected that Mary was cheating on Joseph (scene from the bar as an example) and that she was neglectful of her children, as well as abusive towards Joseph. Joseph seemed to love Mary and put up with what she was going through. But Mary? Not so much. I suspected Mary had become bored of Joseph and her life as a "good christian wife," perhaps wanting to kick her feet up and have fun. I assumed that her sudden urge to take on a wild life caused her to take up drinking, focusing more on the party culture then her family. It left me feeling. . sad, for Joseph.

My assumptions drew me to Joseph and his possible struggles. Back in the first stream he lent the gamer’s character an ear to vent to because he knew how hard being a parent was. I took that as Mary wasn't much of a parent, making him feel like a single parent, which is of course hard and especially with four children to tend to day and night. Mary usually hitting up the bars at night made me imagine Joseph, putting the children to bed by himself, making sure they were fed before hand and cleaned up after, their toys put away, the house picked up until it'd be messed up again tomorrow. What not with Mary coming home late from bar hoping she'd probably have a hang over the next day, leaving Joseph to tend to the children again. Breakfast made early, dressing them making sure they were cleaned up, preparing lunches for school, making sure they had their back packs, walking them to the buses, etc. And what about when they got home? I'm sure Mary didn't always bar hop but, from what I saw in the first two live streams, she didn't seem like the type to be mindful of what her children did, having taped over veggie tales with The Shining and losing track of their youngest while giving the excuse "I'm sure he's probably off eating dirt some where, he's fine." This made me think he probably helped with home work for them all, made dinner, and then did the nightly routine over again. What not with how Mary treated Joseph in public I could only assume she treated him the same at home, if not worse. Ridiculing him, disregarding him, making things stressful for him such as making sure the children were tended to and safe. I couldn't imagine that even being a good environment for the children, growing up to their mother harshly downing their father who always seemed to accept his wife's cold/rude behavior towards him.

These assumptions I concluded to made me enjoy Joseph as a character. He was a representation of the kind of man we some times forget exist in our world. Enduring and keeping an abusive marriage going, actually being there for his children and raising them the best he could do while handling said abuse, being the bigger person in public and possibly even at home to be a good example for his children, keeping good appearances as a neighbor by respecting them and their ways of life, and even going as far as being an exemplary member of a religious belief system by speaking good on the word all while accepting others who are different from him and never pressuring anyone to believe in his beliefs. He was like a fresh of breath air. I've never seen a character with representation like this and I sympathized with some of his plights, what not in the areas of abuse and feeling alone in his struggles through life, even when he has a partner by his side.

Then, the game came out. It came out late, albeit, but it came out. People flooded to Steam to buy the game and finally play it to reach the goal of a successful date with their preferred "daddy." My plan was to save Joseph for last because I wanted to enjoy and savor his route. I was so excited to see his life unfold, to see how he handled his struggling marriage, his cold wife, and raising his children basically on his own. I was eager to see how my character would be able to aid Joseph in his struggles. But the idea was dashed as I'd see that the plot I had drawn from the signs pointing towards it in those sneak peek play through’s, was wrong.

Joseph and Mary's marriage was indeed in jeopardy. I discovered she never actually "goes all the way" with the men she flirts with through her bar hopping endeavors, Neil the bar Keep saying "it's not her thing" to go home with them during the "Walk Mary home" scene. She is still cold towards Joseph and continues to embarrass him through out the dates, of course in public no less. He still comes off as a pretty respectable neighbor and parent. Though the "walk Mary home" scene insinuates that she is struggling with something that no one is really sure of. This is where I began to lose hope for Joseph's route.

The only "good" ending I've seen is Joseph telling the gamer’s character that he can't be with him and has decided to try and work things out with Mary. In this ending, you get to kind of date Joseph, but you don't get to completely BE with Joseph. Your character is left a single dad. Joseph admits he cared about you and cherished all of his time with you, but he ultimately realized through being with you that he loved his wife and he wanted to make things work. Though he managed to be nice about it and even say he had feelings for your character, your character still gets "margarita zoned" to say the least. I don't advocate for being a home wrecker, but that's kind of what you do through this route and then fail at it. It was kinda disappointing and unsatisfying to say the least.

Then comes the second ending. The bad ending. There's been a lot of speculation with the bad ending. No one has ever gotten this ending but there has been picture evidence, possibly official game art, as proof of the bad ending existing somewhere out there in some strange combination between Joseph's route and the "Walk Mary Home" glitch scene. Now, the pictures could possibly be doctored. This ending may not even exist at all. But it's a possibility. This ending shows Joseph as a cult leader, almost like a Jim Jone's type. He dawns a priests black robe and his eyes have dark bags under them, giving off an even sinister stare. The ending insinuates that he's possibly taken you hostage and you aid Mary in escaping his clutches, ending up with Joseph being stabbed and the two of you running away. Mary appears as a disheveled, terrified woman, the victim, and ultimately her husbands maker. Though this ending hasn't been canonically proven as true, it hurts to see that it possibly may be true. Through out the entire route Joseph was represented as a good christian man who even winced when you told a white lie about baking brownies, yet, accepting of those who were different from him. For him to suddenly show up as a cult leader and possibly even a murderer is. . .it's just such a reach and so demeaning to what he was. Who his character was in it's truest form. I mean, it's a cool concept as a Halloween DLC, perhaps not linked to canonical time lines. Maybe all the dads could get weird, creepy Halloween endings? But a cult leader as a canonical ending for this man who was represented as such a good religious man? It just doesn't add up with who we saw in the beginning to what we are being given.

My final thoughts on Joseph. Joseph was a good character from first glance. His story had potential. HE had potential to be someone great who our character could have helped through so much. There were so many possibilities for his character that just never came to fruition. We could have helped him understand his marriage was unhealthy. We could have helped him through his struggles as, practically, a single dad. There could have been a scene with the children where we help them understand that their parents bad relationship isn't their fault and they shouldn't worry, comfort them and show Joseph you're there for him and his children. There was just so much. Sadly it just wasn't meant to be and the only thing we get to have with Joseph, is Margaritaville.

Though Joseph's ending leaves a sad taste in my mouth, in the end, it's just a game and I'm not going to bash it or attack the creators for something I don't like (and I don't advocate for others to do that either, that's wrong). The creators did an amazing job developing the game and i commend them for a job well done. They worked hard and the other characters are beautifully done. Though I don't exactly sympathize with the rest of them, other then Mat who I sympathize with through his social anxiety, the characters are fun and entertaining, as they should be. Despite the small hiccup that was Joseph's route, I love Dream Daddy, and maybe one day we'll get a Dream Daddy 2 with all new Dads to date. I'm staying positive and hopeful.

[cosmosogler]

me and myself

last night i was taking the dogs outside right before i went to sleep so i wouldn’t wake up to any fun surprises (potentially in my bed). or at least, it would be less likely. dad came out with doge and we talked about a coyote he saw once. when i went inside i was trying to corral the dogs upstairs when dad started talking to me about politics!!!!!!!!!!!! with no prompting he started yelling at me about how the us got screwed over by obama signing the climate agreement thing and it was good to leave. i did not care at all and i told him i just wanted to go to bed. he said “no, listen” and kept talking and getting more agitated. i stopped responding but he kept going for several minutes. then he said “i’m just sayin’” for... some reason, i can’t figure out what he was trying to do there. so i said “yep, just sayin” and went upstairs. then he FOLLOWED ME INTO MY ROOM AND STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

by then it was 12:30 and i was really annoyed and anxious and the dogs picked up that i was anxious and started barking at each other. there were four dogs in my room. that is too many dogs to fit in a room. three of them were in my bed. eve laid on top of my pillows and growled at me when i tried to squeeze in next to her.

she’s in a lot of pain... she’s got no patience at all these days. i think she is going to keep using that leg until it falls off though. if she’d just start learning to walk without it it would be less painful once we got it off of her... it looks like the tumor is pushing on her kneecap from the inside and is maybe also down into her ankle and also up to her hip. i catch her nibbling her ankle a lot and licking the bulk of the tumor. she’s still got some fur on it. it’s painful to even look at though. her whole leg is just mangled and misshapen and she won’t stop trying to walk with it. but my uncle says she won’t recover from the surgery unless she has already stopped using the leg on her own.

cleo liked to jump out of my bed at the slightest noise and start barking at it and running down the hall. then five seconds later she’d come back to my bed and cry for me to lift her onto it. then at 5:30 after some gnarly anxiety dreams about being chased by a dude with a shotgun and then a demon with a sword who killed my friend right in front of me cleo woke me up by crying directly into my ear hole. i took her downstairs and handed her to mom for mom to feed when she got out of the shower. i closed my bedroom door and fell back into bed. i was woken up many, many times after that by cleo crying and howling outside my door. whiskey wasn’t as bad... he’s a lot calmer. i felt bad locking eve out of my room but i really, really needed the sleep. 

i got up at 9 anyway! so i got less than 8 hours of sleep for like the fifth night in a row. i notice myself starting to doze if i sit without some kind of activity in front of myself in the evenings. but i don’t have enough energy to do much more than watch game grumps. i might... have to put that down for a while. it’s really hard to watch them skip the tutorial/opening cutscene and then get lost and not know how the controls work all the way through the game until they get mad and/or give up. especially for games that actually look good if given a chance, or games that i already know and like very much.

i don’t even remember what i did all morning, man. i did look through the therapy handouts and saw that there wasn’t any actual writing i needed to do and i had already read them. then i went to therapy. we talked about politics for a whole hour... i was really unhappy about that. 

i mean... i don’t mind talking about politics with people i am already comfortable around. even people i don’t agree with! but lisa kind of, like, asked me about one or two things and then said “do you think your political views due to your previous mistreatment lead you to forgive one candidate more than another?” 

look. craig didn’t drastically change my life. a lot of my problems i had before i met him and continued to have after i stopped interacting with him. i already had depression, and nightmares, and antisocial tendencies and a very small friend circle. he didn’t suddenly cause all these problems. in the grand scheme of things, he actually didn’t matter that much...

you know, that feels kind of nice to type out. he didn’t alter my life that much. i mean yeah it was horrible and i don’t appreciate the ptsd-like symptoms and “triggers” and whatever but he didn’t change the structure of my problems or life. he just kind of... put some boxes on top of the pile. or gross moldy cheese on top of the pile maybe. made it hard to want to clean up the problems because first you gotta get through the gross cheese.

i didn’t like clinton, but i recognized that she was a fairly reasonable, average politician, and i thought some of her ideas were good enough to work with. maybe that’s why it was easier to “forgive” the scandals and stuff? because there were pros to go with the cons? the other candidate didn’t have any of those pros to balance out the cons. am i just supposed to not vote at all?

it wasn’t specifically his statements about women that made me not like him. by themselves the statements would have been enough, but the first thing i noticed is that he’s a corporate mogul with apparently very little connection to reality. everything else followed from that. he made those statements after i had already noticed that first thing about him.

anyway. we also talked about religion and that brought up a lot of baaaaaaaaaad memories. i started getting actually mad, which is kind of surprising? i’m not sure why. i talk about religion with christians sometimes and i don’t get mad. i think i was getting that “vibe” that she was looking down on me for some reason. there wasn’t any particular thing she said that made me think that. i guess it was that she spent so long talking about it and referred to “how much” i had said about my views as if i had given her a solid base. i barely said anything, man. is it really that easy to tell what my views are? i don’t even really know what my views are or how to describe them using political vocabulary.

anyway, at the end we were supposed to draw our emotions (but if you were drawing any bad emotions you were only allowed to use “pastel” colors) so i drenched my paper in a blinding monstrosity. “the yellow represents suffering,” i joked to my groupmate. i also said “god this is going to make me go color blind it hurts so much.”

the paper was so wet from marker ink that it actually curled and i had to drop my handout folder on it to try to straighten it out. i shall take a picture of it tomorrow.

i’m the only one left in group now (that attends regularly)... i don’t think i will be able to handle three-hour conversations with my therapist by myself especially if they get derailed into politics every time i mention i don’t agree with one of my family members.

when i got home i hid upstairs for a while and then i dusted/oiled the couches and then mom ordered pizza for dinner. then i took eve to get the mail, and took wiley for a walk, and hung out downstairs with the dogs for a long while because eve had parked herself on the mattress and i didn’t want her to think she had to get back up right away. 

tonight i watched a speedrun of super ghouls n ghosts. it’s fascinating to me that these people memorize a game (especially a really difficult one) and make it look almost reasonable to play. even when they screw up and lose a few seconds.

tomorrow i should start looking into free community activities. the therapist said i NEED to meet more people. i think she underestimates how long it takes for me to warm up to new people. group therapy is different because it is a mutually unpleasant experience where you have to get to know your groupmates really well really fast.

even the society of physics students club at nau was a huge struggle for me and i already knew more than half the people there!

i would also like to try to drive diogi over to the park sometime maybe in the morning. the logistics are a little weird... considering there are five dogs here. maybe it would be better to go in the evening so the pavement isn’t baking hot so i can walk the others over and we don’t have to get five dogs into our little honda. dad isn’t really participating at all though. today he had a point because we were also taking care of pearl. but he refused to feed our guest dogs in the morning even if he was already up. even though they are fed portions that require eating twice a day. cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so today i guess i made some progress toward letting go of old pain?? just by kind of, putting the craig stuff in perspective. i don’t know how to reconcile that with the idea that no one else is going to care about it, so if it’s going to get cared about, i need to do it myself. no one else is going to feel bad, so if i need someone to feel bad i need to do it myself. no one else is going to remember it, etc etc. and obstacles and stuff need to be insurmountable or else they weren’t *really* a big deal. 

i guess at this point, my belief is that depression needs to be difficult to get over, so i make it too hard so that i get the satisfaction of knowing i had/have a hard problem to “solve.” even though you don’t really solve depression...

these are beliefs that i think it might be healthy to invest time into changing. i am willing to consider working on those areas to try and be happier. i can practice healthier thinking habits around these areas without “making a new friend.” i might even feel even less lonely if i feel a little more confident or at least can tolerate my own company. 

because when you don’t have any friends you just get your own dazzling personality shoved down your throat every minute and it’s exhausting. i’m not exactly “lonely,” at least, not the way i felt it when i was a teenager up to when i started dating craig. i stopped... really needing company, i guess. like yeah sometimes i feel like i’m going to explode because i have an idea and i just gotta share it, but that’s not the same as loneliness. 

when i have an idea i like in my head these days i feel just as comfortable writing it down in a note somewhere or in the journal as i do telling it to one of my friends. i dunno. my anxiety migrated from being based around other people to being based around myself and my prospects for the future. and i get anxious when i think about the fact that i STILL can’t see myself anywhere in the next 5-10 years other than a graveyard.

but even in my most “successful” “fantasies,” when i am working on a team researching whatever, fusion or gravitational waves or anything, i imagine myself with colleagues. colleagues aren’t the same thing as friends.

i guess that could get pretty lonely. i usually feel better about it when i am with eve. but i know eve won’t last forever. maybe another year, if i’m being generous. 

i think that’s contributing a lot of substance to my anxiety... worrying about what i’m going to do without eve. worrying about how comfortable or uncomfortable diogi is. thinking about the fact that the medicine diogi is taking is not meant by any means to be taken long-term. she’s already lasted longer on it than we could have hoped. but i feel like every day i don’t take her to the park is a risk i’m taking by my inaction. and when i gamble, i usually lose.

i didn’t do my best to make randi and jake’s last days as not-bad as i could. i refuse to make that mistake again. 

anyway, that’s what’s on my mind. i could talk more about the dream but it is after 12:45 and i am very tired.