#I already lost my aunt a few days after Easter. I'm still not okay. I still miss her and try to remember her voice.

[loser-brain]

Very long Vent

I hate the fact I cannot focus on what is important to me such as transportation. I cannot drive due to my mental health. I will have a panic attack and become overwhelmed thanks to my mother putting trauma in me when I was driving.

I already made a vent post about that went in-depth about it too. So, changing the course of the story here is another reasoning on why I won't fix an old bike in my garage.

I'm 4'11 and I'm very short. We have a child bike (a childhood bike) and an adult bike (way too tall for me to ride). I want to fix that child's bike (literally need a change of wheels) but the reason why I can't is because my dad won't let me really not really work on the bike.

It's confusing I know. I'm also confused as well. I even express that I want to fix a bike in our garage because 1, I can ride it and 2, so that way I can also have the ability to ACTUALLY LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR ONCE.

Everyone in the house always complains about me not leaving the house... Well yeah, I have no way of transportation. And even when I do make plans such as I want to buy something for either my dogs or a project for myself. I'm always told that everyone is free and can drive me. Like I am told, constantly that no one has a schedule or plan. They are free and can drive me where I want...

I ask hey I want to go to blank and blank. They always respond. I'm busy, we have plans, I don't want to drive you, maybe another time, not today, and so on.

So back to the bike. That is my reasoning, I get told whatever. It's frustrating. I want to fix the bike I said Just buy a new bike they said How much does a new bike cost I asked A lot of money that you don't have they answer Okay so back to my idea let me fix the old bike I responded you should just buy a new bike they sternly spoke but you said it's expensive I retorted You wanted to buy an electric bike right? They asked Yeah, why? I answered with a question Then get a driver's license so you can have that bike they spoke no, I can't drive I'll have a panic attack and freeze up and become a hazard or a dangerous driver I spoke back in anger

and here's the kicker that really pisses me off

whatever. They spoke. Ending the conversation.

If I were to somehow get my driver's license, they will buy me an electric bike. That's the deal since their argument is that an electric bike is similar to a motorcycle.

I just... want a way for me to ride my bike to my dog's vet with ease and even be able to go to my downtown and possibly sell in-person art. BUT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE MY MOTHER SAYS THAT'S DANGEROUS! MY FATHER SAID JUST GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

it's frustrating when I come up with a solution to my long-term problem and only be told no. or stop. or do something else. it's frustrating that I can't drive and it's frustrating that I can't work on the bike.

Not because I'm getting mixed signals but more because I can't reach the bike... it's hanging from the ceiling and my dad won't get it for me because he doesn't want me to work on the bike.

Like, I would become so much healthier riding a bike around, and possibly it might even boost my confidence instead of being called lazy for not doing anything even though I do clean the house and take care of my dogs.

My mother is so toxic. For some reason, if she comes home and sees my sis and I on the couch, she just assumes we're lazy. Even though she comes home at 4pm and we (mostly I) wake up at 9am. You know what I can get done in that amount of time before she comes home.

Chores such as vacuuming, cleaning the windows and the bathroom, taking the dogs outside, clean their crate and their mess outside of the crate. Heck, if I am very bored I will sweep the patio. I'll mop the floors too if the dogs actually behave and not track their wet paws in the house (I'll have to dry their paws or just wait for their paws to dry on their own. I prefer to wait since they are messy drinkers as well).

My mother is sadly old-fashioned, in other words, she doesn't know that abuse can come in different forms. When you say abuse she will assume physical. Mental abuse, Verbal abuse, physiological abuse, and other types... Yeah, that doesn't exist to her. When I say old-fashioned, I mean she just doesn’t know, even when you try to explain to her about abuse coming in different forms... She'll call me insane or not right in the head.

Saying because of the internet I have become delusional... and stupid. She doesn't understand mental health either. So when you tell her about depression. She just thinks you're sad and eating ice cream. Crying and stressing out of your mind thinking it's the end of the world for you like a breakup... She even told me when she wanted me to work and I respond I'll need to be on antidepressants then because I cannot work in an environment like that.

Her response to me saying that... I also have depression too. I also get sad but you don't see me needing antidepressants.

...

My mother hasn't even been diagnosed by a behavioral psychologist. MEANWHILE, I HAVE. THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE IN MENTAL HEALTH AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE TOO HAS MENTAL HEALTH!?

MOM! ANTIDEPRESSANTS AREN'T JUST FOR DEPRESSION! I HAVE MAJOR ANXIETY I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME HANDLE PEOPLE INTERACTION.

I have a phobia of being in large areas fill/crowded with people. I just can't handle that at all. At my last job, I got overwhelmed to the point that I stop paying attention to my job. Which was bad!

It just got way too much and way too loud for me that I ended up looking around and not at my machine. That's really reckless because these are our client orders that I am possibly ruining by not paying attention.

So ye, I love my mother btw, but it's just... so exhausting having to deal with her and my dad (mostly her). I love my parents and they just want what is best for me like getting my driver's license. That would make my life so much easier and not just transportation-wise but just for everything-wise. But sadly, they stop taking me seriously now when it comes to my mental health.

It's sad to hear I know blah blah blah. I'm gonna work on the bike tomorrow whether they like it or not... If I can reach it, if not, then I'll cry :'|

[what-the-hayl]

Dying.

Sometimes dying isn't always a literal thing, but more so of a mental state. It's crazy how wild, crazy, scary and amazing our brains work. Somedays I'm thinking why i never got into studying anatomy. Then i think...I've always loved the idea of being a counselor, police officer, detective, and a writer too.

I lost a very close friend of mine, Michael. He saved my life once. Having to just carry that grief with me everyday, was very challenging to say the least. It still is some days. Living with my parents, caring for my one year old son, my mental struggles i already had leading up to his death, the only thing at that time going okay for me was my job at Amazon i drove for them. I fucking loved that job, ALOT. The environment was so chill, my bosses were the coolest individuals, the money was good for what it was. I had a trip planned down to Orlando, FL at the end of the month in February.. mom and dad were presentient on me NOT getting on a plane and traveling at that time as Covid-19 was starting to unfold.

I had already paid for my ticket to travel down south, i lied to them and told them i was going somewhere simple like Michigan City with another buddy instead. Once i got down there, i felt guilty as if something were to happen to me, so i texted them that i had landed down there. Needless to say; they were pissed. Pissed.

Literally a week before the governor shut everything down, Amazon let me go for back talking a higher up at 730am. THAT SUCKED. The amount of mad my parents were was enough for me to drink my sorrows away and some party favors that weekend in Florida. The dread to come home that Monday was awful, my parents didnt want me back at their house when i came home incase i had covid, which i understood but was frustrating. I ended up coming home and living out of a suitcase at my aunts house.

You know when they say "misery loves company"? Misery, in company, grows ever worse. I loved my aunt, she was always a mom figure to me but i never respected her as a "elder looking out for me" but a big sister and best friend. I never did wrong to her, when indeed i did alot wrong simply bad decisions. I know i would get no disciplinary actions around her.

The day before Easter of 2020, i went to a girlfriends house, we day drank and laid out all day with her parents and as the night rolled around, others had came over to join. We snorted a shit ton of addy all day and night, i think i started drinking around 1pm that day, and didnt end up passing out on the toilet until 8am Easter morning, i wasnt hungover but more EXHASTED!!! I remember her dad coming to wake me up to let me know there was a guy at the door looking for me... my uncle looking for me i was literally a street over from my aunts. I went to lay back down again, and not even 20 minutes later the cops are at the house now.

I went back to my parents that evening. Not for long, a couple weeks later my dad and i go into it, he told me to get the hell out. He said some really hurtful things to me that day, that stick with me daily. That night im pretty sure i died, my soul died cause i wasnt able to save my dear friend Michael. I had, had enough.

My buddies picked me up with a couple duffle bags, a laundry basket and maybe a fan or something. I stayed with them for a few weeks, we went straight to our bar, all the party favors, and the alcohol. I was so mad that day, i got trashed i remember doing so much snow i was trying to die physically I didnt want to feel the pain anymore.

My truck wasnt running, the headgaskets blew. Now, im car-less, homeless, and jobless. I went and lived out in Muskgon for a little bit, after a month out there i got another truck, crashed that a month later, went to jail, and totaled my truck. I insisted on ratting myself out to the officers and getting tow and paying for the repairs to get it "fixed' ... with money i certainly didnt have. I was living out of that thing for a while at times.

Moved in with my aunts boyfriend "the uncle" that found me on Easter. That was probably the worst decision i could have made in my 29 years. A very dark place for me, and the auras are nasty. Somedays id love to say my piece and most days, i choose peace. I created a onlyfans to afford my truck fixings and parts.

Once i created my onlyfans it was nice money and it was like the stupidest and simplest way to make some money, so why the fuck not. Over time that shit took a mental toll on me as now people only view me as something to fuck all the time. Which is was never the case, i always told myself if i ever did anything physically for money i would be lowering my "respect" i had left of myself. I never brought myself to that.

I went down to stay with my sister and brother n law down in Goergia mid September, for a month and i needed that. Those relations seem to be going in the right direction which makes me happy and hopeful for the future. A year ago was a crazy time.

Im proud to say im almost a year clean from drugs, im working on this sober of alcohol thing and that i can proudly say is going really well too.

Dont let your soul die when a loved one passes, they are with you. Closer than you think.