#I already have a sketch of the timeline in my head but I'd probably miss a lot of details if I tried to write it down right now
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One day I will finish reading enough comics to create my own Dick Grayson personal timeline based off canon except I will only use the canon that makes most sense to me.
#retcons? don't know her#it all starts when dick was 8 years old and you can pry that from my cold dead hands#I already have a sketch of the timeline in my head but I'd probably miss a lot of details if I tried to write it down right now#dick grayson#nightwing#robin#dc comics#dc#dick grayson timeline
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Folklore [song series]
invisible strings
Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader
Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years
Word count: 3401
[ a/n: thank you so much for all the love and support. We’re almost done with this series! If I forgot to tag you please let me know! Also the ending is a bit lackluster but decided to save the best one for something special for the last chapter]
Age: 21
Year: June/July 2015
Location: CA & NY
"Thank-you all for coming and christening our new place," Thor thanks everyone, as he and Loki stood up at the dining table in their lit up backyard.
"Now there's one person I want to thank, my love," Thor said, reaching his hand out to Wanda who was sat to his left, Loki took his seat back down, "My love, I just want to thank-you for being by my side these last two years. I have never been as happy as I am with anyone else. Now I'm not very good with my words, but what I do know is how I feel about you. The love I have for you exceeds anything else."
"So, I just need to ask you this one question," he says, bending down on one knee, holding Wanda's left hand, while holding the ring box in the other, "Will you, Wanda Maximoff marry me?
"Yes," she cried out, throwing her arms around Thor's neck.
Everyone got up to cheer the newly engaged couple.
Steve and Elizabeth laid naked in her bed, comfortably in each other's presence after the night's activities.
"I can't believe Wanda and Thor are engaged," Elizabeth said, as Steve rubbed her arm as she laid on his chest.
"He's been talking about it for the last year," Steve tells her, "Said he didn't want to scare her off."
"Guess I'm going to have to find a new roommate," she jokes.
"Well actually, I was thinking."
"You better not be proposing to me post sex, while we're naked in bed," Elizabeth playfully jabbed his chest, looking up at him from his chest.
"No, no," Steve lets out a hearty laugh, "Not yet. We still have time for that."
"I was actually thinking, why don't we get a place together. After graduation," Steve suggests.
"What about your job?"
"I can commute," he says, "I'll be done with school in May. You still have law school after graduation, and I have no doubt Stanford is going to accept you into their law program, so you don't have to move."
"What if I don't get accepted?"
"I highly doubt you won't, but if you don't, I'm sure Columbia will snatch you up. And I'd follow you, wherever you go."
"Really?" Elizabeth asked, surprised he would even say that.
"Yeah. There's a lot of architect firms out there, and I'm sure my boss will give me a nice recommendation."
"I couldn't ask that of you Steve," Elizabeth said, getting off of his chest to sit up, grabbing the blanket to cover her chest.
"Which is why I'm offering. I want to do that Liz. This right here," he sits up, and gestures to the both, "This is all I want. So please, if it comes time for that, just let me."
"Okay. Promise you won't resent me?" She asks, feeling overwhelmed with emotion.
"Never," he seriously says, pulling her in for a kiss, and back into his arms.
As they laid in bed, Steve notices Liz is lost in her thoughts.
"Whatcha thinking about?"
"Us, and everything that's lead us to this moment. Like there were some invisible strings leading me to you," she tells him.
"Yeah, you're correct," he ponders.
"Like everything that's happened, happened for a reason. We weren't supposed to be with each other then otherwise we probably wouldn't have made it out of high school."
"You don't think?" Steve asked.
"No, because we wouldn't have been the people we are now. Let's be real here Steve, you and I are not Bucky or Peggy. We're dreamers. Full on happy ending believing people who happened to be with realists at the time. We would've been so naive about the world outside of Brooklyn," Elizabeth says.
"We had never truly experienced pain in the way that we did. If we didn't go through senior year the way that we did, we wouldn't be here. Not specifically together or in California. But we would be stuck in a life where we forced ourselves to be happy. Where we didn't have room to grow. Room to experience a different way of life. We would've been who we were as 16 year olds. And don't get me wrong but that's no way to be."
"I'm glad this happened when it did," she says tilting her head to look at Steve's face.
"Me too," he smiled kissing the top of her head.
"Wow, my arm is so tired from lugging this ring around," Wanda announces walking into Elizabeth's room where she was packing things into a suitcase.
"Must be so exhausting," Liz teases as Wanda takes a seat on her bed.
"Incredibly," Wanda smiled, "How's the packing going?"
"Good, I have everything I'll need for the next two weeks," Liz tells her, "You guys are flying in two days before Steve's birthday right?"
"Yup! Thor seems to be more excited about Steve turning 21 than he is," Wanda laughs, "Next up will be you next month. Vegas won't be ready for us."
"Thor really is going out for all of our 21st birthdays, is he."
"He's excited we're all legally allowed to drink," Wanda says.
"So," Wanda shifted in her seat, "Are you guys going to the baby shower?"
"Yeah we are," Liz nodded her head, "Things have been better, and Steve really wants to be there for Bucky, and so do I."
"How are you feeling about it all?"
"Honestly, if Bucky is happy then so am I."
"It doesn't bother you even the slightest that he's having a baby with the woman he cheated on you with?"
"No," Liz shakes her head, "We've both moved on and grew from our situation. I'm happy with Steve, truly 100% happy. I know in my heart that Steve is the one."
"Whoa, wait, back that up," Wanda immediately shot up from her spot on the bed, "He's the one?"
"Yeah," Liz bascule smiles, her cheeks turning a slight pink.
"I mean, I knew that you loved him, but I don't think you've ever said out loud that he was the one."
Elizabeth shrugs her shoulders trying to fight off the huge grin that wants to spread across her face, "Well he is."
"Wow, umm this is great news," Wanda says looking around the room.
"What's wrong?" Liz asks taking in Wanda's sudden mood change.
"I just," Wanda coughed, trying to fight back the ball in her throat, her eyes tearing up, "I'm so happy for you. God this ring is making me incredibly emotional."
"Aw Wands," Elizabeth pulled her into a hug.
"You just deserve to be with someone who truly thinks the world of you and would move those worlds for you," Wanda cries in Liz's shoulder, "I just remember you telling me all about the shit you went through with Bucky in high school, and then the crap he put you through freshman year. You were just so over the idea of love. Even with steve you were so cautious, so just to hear you say that he's the one. I'm just so incredibly happy."
Elizabeth hugged Wanda tightly, tears streaming down her face. It meant the world to her to hear Wanda say those things. She felts so incredibly lucky to have a friends like her in her life.
"I better be your maid of honor," Wanda teased pulling away and wiping her tears, "Because you already know you're mine."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
"We still need to get a baby shower gift for tomorrow," Elizabeth told Steve as they lounged around his childhood bedroom. Steve was sat at his desk sketching, while Elizabeth laid in his bed reading a book.
"I can do that if you want," Steve offered, not wanting to make Elizabeth uncomfortable no matter how many times she's told him she was fine.
"Somehow I don't think I can trust you getting the correct gift," Elizabeth teased.
"Babies like legos right?" He teased back, getting up to join her on the bed, laying his head down on her stomach.
"We can go together, I still need to get a few things for the party next weekend," she said playing with his hair.
Steve hummed in response, feeling himself getting tired, "A quick little nap and we'll go."
"Sounds good," she smiled at the man snuggled up on her.
The next day the couple were walking into the Barnes' backyard, hand-in-hand with a gift bag.
They were both instantly greeted by Bucky's mother Winnie.
"Oh you two made it!" She enthusiastically greeted them, pulling them both into a hug.
"Of course. We wouldn't have missed it," Steve smiled at her.
"Thank-you," she turned to Liz and grabbed her hand, "both of you. James really appreciates it. We all do. Especially with everything that has happened, he's going to need his best friends."
"You don't have to thank us," Liz says, "We'll always be there for Bucky. No matter what happens."
"Well thank-you," she smiles, and then turns to Steve, "Steve the men have been sent inside, so you can see your way inside."
"Already getting pushed aside," he jokes.
He placed a kiss on Elizabeth's cheek, "I'll be inside if you need me."
She nodded her head, then glanced around the yard and caught eye contact with an old high school classmate, Natasha's friend, rolling her eyes at the couple.
She cleared her throat, "Where do the gifts go?"
"Over at that table where Rebecca is at," Winnie smiled, and pointed to the table to the right where Rebecca was organizing all the gifts. Liz thanked her and made her way over.
Liz couldn't help but start to feel a bit uncomfortable. She hadn't planned for she and Steve to be separated for the entire party. She didn't really know anyone here, aside from Bucky's family, where things were still a bit awkward after last summer.
Even though things were good between Steve, Bucky, and her, it was still awkward. She and Natasha don't have the best history, they still haven't talked everything out, clear the air. Not that Nat owed Elizabeth a conversation, she just thought that now that things were okay, maybe them two can work on their relationship, for the sake of Bucky. But whenever Liz tried to reach out Nat would just say that she was busy, so she didn't push it. Not with Natasha being pregnant, plus she figured now that she was in town for two weeks that maybe they could get together for a quick chat.
"Hey Liz," Rebecca greeted her, a sigh of relief to see a friendly face.
"Hey Bec," she smiled, hugging the teen.
"God, I'm so glad to see you," Rebecca said pulling back from the hug, "Some of these girls are real bitches."
Liz was taken back for a second hearing Rebecca swear, it's sometimes hard to believe that tiny little toddler is now this young lady about to enter her senior year of high school.
"I'm sure they're not so bad," Liz said trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.
"Really? Because they're looking at you like you just murdered their entire family," Rebecca said.
Elizabeth turned around to see Natasha's friends huddled in a semi-circle around Natasha, all whispering and glaring at her. She turned back around to Rebecca and gave her a force smile.
Rebecca felt bad at bringing that to Liz's attention. Liz was always so nice to her, and even continues to keep in contact with her especially when Rebecca needs any help or advice.
"I can take that," she said trying to change the subject.
"Thank-you," she quietly said, handing over the gift bag to Rebecca.
"They're just jealous," Rebecca tells her, "Even with having my brother's child, Natasha still can't find it in her cold hearted heart to be nice to you."
"She doesn't owe me anything."
"Now that's not true. She owes you a lot, and the least she can do is be nice, especially with my mother throwing her this baby shower and allowing her to live with us until she and Bucky find a place."
"She's living here?" Elizabeth asked, surprised to hear that. Bucky never mentioned Nat living with them, they did know that they were looking at places closer to his job and school.
"Yeah, she moved in probably two months ago, when she really started to show," Rebecca tells her, "Apparently she hadn't told her dad, and once she started showing she had to confess. He kicked her out. Said she was ruining her life."
"That's intense," Elizabeth said.
"Yup. So my mom and Keith are letting her stay until they find a place of their own," Rebecca says, "And as much as I love my brother I can't wait til she's gone. He's an idiot for knocking her up."
"She can't be that bad," Liz said trying to give Nat the benefit of the doubt.
"Trust me Liz, she is. Being pregnant has made her a complete devil," Rebecca stresses, "My mom is way too nice to have that be the mother of her first grandchild."
Before Liz could respond to that, someone came up behind her.
"Oh Becky, I wanted the gifts to be color coordinated," Natasha remarked, with her hand on her belly.
"My mom told me to do it by size," Rebecca rolled her eyes, "And my name's Rebecca."
"But Becky is so cute."
"No it's not," Rebecca argued.
"Hi Natasha," Elizabeth awkwardly greeted, breaking up the conversation.
"Oh hi Elizabeth," Natasha stiffly said, forcing a smile on her face as she rubs her belly, "Didn't think you would show up."
"Oh, well Steve told Bucky we were coming," she explains.
"Of course he did."
"You look pretty," Elizabeth complimented her to try and break the tension.
"I know. I'm absolutely glowing carrying Bucky's child," she replied with a snarky tone.
"I'm really happy for you both."
"Sure you are," she rolled her eyes.
"No, I truly am. That's why I actually wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering if maybe we can get together sometime this next week, to talk," Liz suggests.
"There's no need," Nat tells her, "I get what you're doing. You think that getting on my good graces will put you in Bucky's good graces, but I hate to break it to you, that's not going to happen. I'm trying my best here to be polite to you, but once this baby is born, I'll make sure Bucky no longer makes time for you and Steve. I am his life now, and we don't have space in it for you both."
"Nat-"
"Thanks for the gift, hopefully the gift receipt is in the bag," Natasha fake smiled, "Enjoy the party."
"Fix the gifts Becky," she turned to Rebecca enunciating 'Becky', before walking away to go back to her friends.
"Told you she was the devil," Rebecca commented, ignoring Natasha's request.
"Yeah, you weren't lying," Elizabeth turned to look at Nat who was laughing with her friends.
Steve and Elizabeth said their final goodbyes a couple of hours later, and walked back to their rental car.
"That went well, don't you think?" Steve commented on as he started the car.
"Yeah it did," she lied.
Elizabeth decided it was probably best not to bring it up to Steve. He and Bucky just fixed their relationship, that she was afraid if she told Steve that Bucky wouldn't believe them. She would just have to hope that Bucky wouldn't allow their friendship to take another hit. She had faith that their friendship was stronger than that.
"Do you mind if we made a stop somewhere?" Steve asks her as he pulls away from the curb.
"No, of course not."
"Perfect. We just have to make one quick pit stop before," he says a few minutes later, parking in a parking lot of a cafe.
Steve walked back out of the cafe with a picnic basket.
"What's that for?" She asked smiling as he got in, putting the basket in the backseat.
"Just wait and see," he winked.
15 minutes later they were pulling up to a park.
"A park?"
"Thought we could have an impromptu picnic date," he smiles, "Wait here."
He got out of the car and grabbed the basket from the backseat. She heard him close and open the trunk. He then opened her door.
"Mi lady," he held his hand open for her to take.
"Oh why thank-you kind sir," she giggled taking his hand.
He led her to a nice spot on top of a hill, overlooking the park.
"Can you hold this for me real quick," he asked, holding out the picnic basket for her.
She took it from him as he laid out the blanket. Steve took the basket back and started to unpack the contents and laid them out on the blanket for them.
"A little dinner at sunset," he offered his hand so she can sit down next to him on the blanket.
"This was perfect Steve," she kissed his cheek, as they finished off their little dinner.
"Just thought I'd thank-you for coming with me today," he says wrapping his arm around her, as she leaned into him.
"You don't have to thank me."
"I know I don't, but I want to. I know you say you were fine with today, and I completely believe you, but I also know that even if you're okay with it, it's still can be uncomfortable," he says, "So I just want to show you how appreciative I am of you."
"I love you," she leans her head up to capture his lips with her's.
Age: 27
Year: 2021
Location: Brooklyn, NY
"Steve whats with the blind fold," Elizabeth giggled in the passenger seat of their rental car.
"It's a surprise," he laughed, "Now just be patient, we're almost there."
"Steve, come on you know I hate surprises."
"You liked the last surprise I gave you," he teased.
"It was a kitten, that's different," she smiled.
"You still loved it," he said, "Plus we're here already."
"Oh that was quick," she said reaching to take her blindfold off.
"Don't," he warned her, "Not yet."
Steve helped her out of the car, and linked their arms together as he led her to the surprise.
"Okay, we're here," he nervously said, he took her blindfold off.
Liz adjusted her eyes after being in the dark for the past 30 minutes. When she opened her eyes, she was greeted with a lantern lit up picnic on top of the hill at the park.
"Surprise," Steve said behind her.
Liz turned around to find Steve down on one knee, with an opened ring box.
"Steve," she gasped.
He took her left hand into his own.
"Elizabeth Carolina Sanchez, words can't even explain how much I am in love with you, but I'm going to try. I don't think i can remember back to a time where you weren't a part of my life, and honestly i don't want to. You've made me so incredibly happy these last almost seven years, and no matter how much I say I'm appreciate of you, i don't think it's ever going to be enough. Getting to wake up to you every day to you smiling at me, honestly i don't think there's a greater thing in the world. I'd give the entire world, if it meant that I got to see you smile every day of my life. I don't ever want to imagine a life without you. You've made me the best person I could ever want to be. There's not a day that doesn't go by where you don't continuously tell me how proud you are of me, and the endless amount of support and love you've given me. There's no one I'd rather spend my entire life with. Start a family with. Be a family with. So, Elizabeth, will you do me the greatest honor of marrying me?"
"Yes," Elizabeth choked out, as the tears streamed down her face. She lunged herself into Steve's arms and kissed him.
"I love you so much," she cried.
"I love you too," he said, pulling her into another kiss.
They pulled away, and Steve placed the ring on her finger.
"I love you," she said again.
#folklore song series#invisible strings folklore song series#invisible strings#invisible strings folklore#bucky barnes fanfiction#steve rogers fanfiction#Taylor swift invisible strings#bucky barnes angst#steve rogers x original female character#bucky x natasha#original character series#steve rogers x original character#original female character#mcu modern day#mcu modern au#steve rogers modern au#bucky barnes modern au#steve rogers modern day#bucky barnes modern day#angst#fluff#Thor x wanda#steve rogers#steve rogers fluff#steve rogers series#bucky barnes series
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CARIBOU DELUXE (EDICIÓN DE LUJO)
This drawing is called Caribou Deluxe. The other images in this post make it the edición de lujo, the deluxe edition; kinda like when a band does a special version of their new album. I wanted to do a drawing that was more than "a" drawing. I wanted to do something that could be explored, something that was more than just a series of close-up details of the main drawing. So the main drawing is kinda like the cover of a magazine, showing you what is inside.
CONTENTS
1. Caribou Deluxe. The actual drawing.
2. The initial quick notebook sketch.
3. Another sketch done a couple of days later, after the digital process had begun and the general idea became clearer in my head.
4. Top view.
5. Three new Minipops and two redrawn Minipops. The new Minipops: No. 1,380 - Beastie Boys (Fight for Your Right). No. 1,381 - Elijah Wood, Seth Rogen, and Danny McBride as the Beastie Boys. No. 1,382 - Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Jack Black as the Beastie Boys. The redrawn Minipops: No. 38b - Beastie Boys (Intergalactic), originally drawn in 1999. No. 1,383 - Beastie Boys (Ch-Check It Out). The latter was done for a client (MTV Europe) in 2004, and was never given a Minipop number at the time, thus it being No. 1,383. I, as you may well imagine, am slightly irritated by this chronological mess-up.
6. Beastie Dots: No Sleep Till Brooklyn. Data visualisation of who raps what on the song.
7. Beastie Boys album timeline.
8. One pixel Beastie Boys sleeves. Plus previous one pixel sleeves by the Beatles and Depeche Mode.
9. A full version of the Berliner Fernsehturm that is reflected in copper-coloured mirror glass windows at the top of the octagon "head."
10. All the graffiti on the pyramid.
ABOUT CARIBOU DELUXE
A brief explanation: I wanted to draw something that relates to where my brain is at right now, in January 2019.
The Fernsehturm reflected in the brown windows (inspired by the old Palast der Republik) is there because Berlin will always be in my head. It's the place where I've spent the most time in my adult life, and the place that feels closest to a home town (even though I wasn't born here).
The pyramid base is a Mesoamerican thing, and that—combined with the food stalls and the rooftop laundry cages—is for Mexico, the other place that feels like home, the place where my heart is.
I'm trying to be a better person as I get older, and trying to get rid of elements of grumpiness, bad moods, etc. Trying not to be a person that automatically assumes young people aren't doing life the right way. That's where the graffiti comes in. For quite a while I thought of it purely as vandalism, but something clicked in my brain recently: it is a part of every city—specifically the cities I love—and it's not gonna ever go away. I covered the pyramid in graffiti to remind myself of that. (The graffiti names, btw, are either random words that came into my head, or are related to things or people in my life. I also wanted to show the range of graffiti styles I see around Berlin every day. If I have used a real graffiti artist's name here, it is purely a coincidence. Indeed, after finishing the pixel graffiti, I saw some graffiti in my neighbourhood that said "Queso." Apologies to the real-life Queso for borrowing his/her name.)
I've been listening to the Beastie Boys quite a bit recently and thinking about how they are only a few years older than me. I was a teenager when the tabloids were getting the vapours about their behaviour when they were touring in the UK for the first time. I remember every Volkswagen car in my (actual) home town suddenly missing its badge. A band getting older, changing as people and artistically, seemed to fit with the whole idea of examining my own life. Plus, y'know, people (friends, artists, musicians...) can do wonderful things, but life isn't always wonderful. Sometimes people you love die.
There are four separate parts to the Beastie Boys stuff here. The coloured dots in the centre of the top and bottom thirds of the octagonal head represent the lyrics of No Sleep Till Brooklyn. Each dot is a word. The colours of the dots show who rapped the words: red dots are Ad-Rock, blue dots are Mike D, green dots are MCA. Above the eyes there's a timeline of their studio albums, showing the year of release, and the height shows the US chart peak positions. The eight little squares beneath the blue eye (each of the eyes are the colour of the members of the band, and the ring around the eyes acts as a key to aforementioned No Sleep Till Brooklyn dots) are the colours one gets when the sleeves of the albums are resized to be one pixel in size.
You may be wondering why I've drawn Minipops of the Fight for Your Right version of the Beastie Boys and the coloured dots are for No Sleep Till Brooklyn. The drawing is because I wanted to draw the other two versions of the band played by actors in Fight for Your Right Revisited. I liked the idea of drawing them three times, as I'd already included three versions of me in the drawing (a younger version of me on the left balcony at the top, a version from a couple of years ago on the roof, and the current me spraying graffiti on the pyramid which, it should be noted, is the closest I will ever get to actually doing any graffiti). Plus, I already did a graphic for Fight for Your Right in 2012 (look for "Beastie Dots" on flipflopflyin.com), and wanted to do something new for this piece.
Another thing that I should probably note is the unrealistic-ness of certain parts. The sky hints at the sun setting behind the structure, yet the reflection of the Fernsehturm (and the way shadows fall on other things) mean that the sun would be over the left shoulder of you, the viewer. Similarly, there's no reflection of the structure and bushes on the water. I have done 14 drawings in this vein over the last year, with pyramid-y or octagonal structures on the shore of a lagoon, and have yet to do a proper reflection in the water. I always think I should try it, and I did try it with this drawing, but it didn't look "right". I'm okay with this unrealistic element contributing to the fantasy of the landscapes. I'm similarly okay with drawing things that aren't correct while striving for getting other parts, other details as accurate as possible. I kinda like that it reenforces that this is MY landscape, not a drawing of a specific place.
As a whole, I had a desire to do something cool with pixels, to draw things that are a challenge, fun, and packed full of details. And to represent all of the shit that floats around my brain. To bring together different things I like doing: putting Minipops in non-Minipop-themed pixel drawings, and making the organisation of information (that would normally only occur as infographics) a part of something bigger. I hope you enjoy it x
#minipops#pixel#pixelart#digitalart#digitalartwork#drawing#art#kunst#graffiti#streetart#fernsehturm#berlin#infographic#streetfood#mexico#mexicocity#ciudaddemexico#df#cdmx#dataart#beastieboys#nosleeptillbrooklyn#fightforyourrighttoparty#illustration#architecture#tacos#pyramid#octagon#photoshop#landscape
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However! Life isn't all failure!
I'm also very good at my job. I get compliments everyday about how well I perform. I'm friends with my supervisor outside of work, and I've contributed to meetings and had conversations with the plant manager that included praise.
I have a novel in the works. It's still in its early stages but I fully plan on turning Lifting the Vale into a fully fledged story and I already have a timeline in my head. Plus I've already written the draft for the first chapter, and I know what's going to happen in the next few chapters.
My singing has also been improving, and I can hear it and feel it in my throat and diaphragm. I have a whole album's lyrics written, and all I really need is a synthesizer and then I can translate the music in my head into reality. I already have a high quality microphone and I'm not awful at making beats and with some trial and error and tutorials I don't think it would be difficult to record the whole album. (Though I wish I knew people to form a band with.)
I've also been having fun in a D&D campaign that I've been playing with some of my friends and co-workers, and I built a new magic the gathering deck (Scarab God commander!)
I've also been working on lines and sketching things to try to get better at drawing at least a little bit, though I think there's a fundamental piece that I'm missing that I don't know. Something to do with perspective I think, I need to figure out where I can take legitimate visual art lessons.
I also still really want to get into blacksmithing, and I'm slowly working towards it! I've told a few people that I want smithing supplies for Christmas so hopefully I get a couple things. I've also asked for crochet hooks and yarn because I want to crochet things, I'd love to make someone a hat or a scarf.
And I've been working on cooking, I've been experimenting with my curry recipe each time I make it and slowly refining it and it's very good! I'm heavily considering going online to look for more recipes in general and expanding my repertoire of things that I can cook. My egg game is on point, I have rice on lock, and I am learning how to control my heat. I should probably look for a more simple recipe to make when I don't have the energy to spend an hour making curry.
I've also started doing my own laundry, which is nice. It's pretty simple with a machine, and it means I don't have to dig through the shirts I don't want to wear to find something good. I also always do the dishes that I use when I'm finished cooking and eating, so the sink doesn't build up too much.
My transition has been going well, and I'm really happy with how my body has been developing. Being soft is so nice. And I've been getting more girl clothes, and I have some dresses that I want to wear more, and I'm probably going to get more girl clothes for Christmas too, plus those warm fuzzy socks with the grippy things on the bottom.
I also managed to get in touch with a therapist, and while I'm still waiting on my first appointment it's one less thing that I have to stress about. He seems kind and I have a good feeling about him.
I also have a bestie who I hang out with everyday and we comfort each other and play games together all the time. I also have a joyfriend who I love with all my heart, and I wholly look forward to seeing them in person. Plus I have a friend group that I play magic with, which includes my bestie, and a couple people who also play d&d with me. That's not even including the plethora of online friends I've made that I cherish everyday.
I'm not alone, I'm not in danger, there are people who support me and care about me. I have issues and I have problems and I have memories that I wish to forget, and memories that are impossible to remember. But right now in this moment, even as I'm working through the soreness in my right leg that flares up every winter and the aching of my knuckles caused by assembly line work, I think I live a pretty good life.
It could be better, and it could be worse, and honestly I think I'm pretty content with the progress I'm making. I'm going to continue moving forward as I have been, taking things day by day and week by week, slowly building upon myself without expectation or deadlines, and eventually I know I'm going to achieve something.
It might not be next year, or in 5 years, or even in a decade. It might take until I'm in my forties, or it might happen much earlier than I'm expecting. But I'm not going to force myself. I won't set arbitrary deadlines and then get upset at myself when I fail to complete them. I can't do that. Some people excel under pressure, I break. I have accepted that I'm not a strong person, and I need to take things slow.
I'm not the best at anything. I don't believe I ever will be. But I also don't care. Life isn't a competition. I know that there are people younger than me who could run circles around me in literally everything. I don't believe I'm ever going to receive any sort of prestige, and when I die I will be forgotten in the annals of time. But all that means is that I can do the things that I want to do and it doesn't matter. I can work towards what I want to work towards and I can build up the skill set that I want to build up, I can be goofy and silly and kind and soft and gentle and I can write cringy fanfiction and make bad art and it doesn't matter. Even if it gets saved to the Information Super Highway, it doesn't matter.
I think many people believe that not being special is a bad thing. That disappearing into a crowd and being little more than one voice in a thousand or a million is somehow a moral failing because you didn't achieve greatness or whatever. I find it liberating. I don't have to be a big shot I don't have to live up to expectation or responsibility I can just be me. Shamelessly and earnestly me.
Quite frankly I don't want to be the very best like no one ever was. I just want to be Lila Heartstrings.
Thinking about how I'm the failure of my family again.
My older sister finished college with a graphic design degree, and that's her job.
My little brother finished college in accounting, and that's his job.
My other little brother joined the Navy and went into nuclear tech.
I flunked out of college 3 times and got a job at a factory that I've been working at for 5 years.
The only thing I've got going for me is I'm a trans woman, and even then I'm sure my mom and grandparents still think that's somehow a failing.
I'm the writer/musician of the family, but I don't think there's gonna be some big moment where I suddenly break through and do something amazing.
I'm just me, and I'll keep trucking along and building my skill sets slowly but surely, but like
I can't even fucking pass one semester of college.
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