Afterthought (Adorney) - Grinder
AN: Hi, so, first off; a disclaimer! This fic is heavily inspired by an episode of Inside No 9 (never heard of it? No one has lol). I just thought it fit right with the vibe I'm trying to create within these songfics. So this is the 3rd entry into my Joji inspired songfic collection. It's short this time, not like Gimme Love.
I recommend reading this, then when you get to the end, go back and read it again. You might notice you missed some things *wink*
Major Trigger warnings: mental health, depression, death mentions, dementia
I never actually wanted to go to the New Years party. It was fancy dress - a concept I had never thought was possible for a New Years event.
And the only reason I was there in the first place was the record deal.
"Rodney Sin is gonna be there. We can play some of the older stuff from high school; Princess Cut, Whole 9 Yards, Adam's Apple, you know? I mean, how is he gonna know it's like 5 years old?" Malcolm had paced back and forth, speaking more to himself before addressing me. "Anyway, it's a costume party… Don't sulk at me like that. I need you to doll yourself up. Make him think you'll suck his dick for this deal…Girl, you're not actually going to suck his dick. Don't worry."
He wasn't wrong. I wasn't sucking anyone's dick no matter how much I wanted this to work.
My idea of 'dolled up' was to dress as a zombie. Not a sexy zombie (although I liked to think of myself as naturally sexy), but just…a zombie.
"You're not gonna show off a little skin?" Malcolm sized me up before we left for the van.
I pointed out the small amount of exposed midriff, my ankles (semi-exposed with the fishnet), and my long arms. "It's about the music, Mal'."
He nodded. "You win."
We thought the party would be in a bar…or an expensive house…
It was in an apartment.
"Think we need a new manager," Spicy whispered in my ear before going to tune her guitar.
We did need a new manager. But Malcolm was my best friend. How the fuck was I supposed to fire him?
Everyone tried to tell me that professional and personal relationships didn't mesh well. I always nodded my head and said, "Yeah, I agree." Then I'd instantly realise I was lying.
And now, as much as I loved that bitch, I kind of regretted not taking anyone seriously.
But back to this party. It was claustrophobic in that place, the air was hot and damp, and the smell of stale beer turned my stomach. But despite all that, we played a damn good set.
Before the band started playing, Malcolm pointed out Rodney Sin, and I kept my eye on him all night. He was easy to pick out from the crowd, dressed up as Bob Ross. Who didn't want Bob fucking Ross at their party?
Rodney Sin, despite the choice of dressing up as the most wholesome being this world was ever blessed with, was so unlike Bob Ross. Bob Ross was the most heartwarming fucking person on this Earth, but I knew he'd take one look at Rodney Sin and say, "Now that is one sleazy son of a bitch. Let's beat the devil out of him."
He was on the couch almost the whole night, just watching, smoking blunts, drinking his beers, combing all the girls' hair who took turns sitting in his lap.
And even though I hated singing in the middle of this cramped ass apartment, giving him 'fuck me' eyes all night, the show was actually fucking cool.
And I really thought we had it in the bag.
And I thought we'd leave the party with a contract.
I left with a nurse instead.
Well…she was dressed as a nurse.
We didn't stop kissing until we were back in my own apartment. I struggled to open the door while my mouth was still on hers, but I got it unlocked eventually.
I pulled away from her for two seconds and almost fell into the place. I had too much to drink; I thought my cheap ass Christmas tree was an intruder.
Nurse girl laughed really hard at that. Usually, I would have blushed hard and told her to fuck off if she was going to laugh at me. But the alcohol made my insecurity disappear. When I say that, that's not me condoning the use of alcohol for confidence issues. Drink responsibly, please.
God, I'm so patronising sometimes…
The Nurse pulled me towards the couch, "Wow! I love this place," she said, taking in my apartment shrouded in darkness.
"Eh… you'll hate it when I turn the lights on," I glanced around at it myself. I liked the apartment. It was great by my standards. Mom always looked afraid to touch anything when she came around. Malcolm would complain there were no plants and that the "feng shui" was off.
"Let's just keep them off for now," Nurse said in her soft Australian accent. She lay down on the couch, her voice enough to make me melt.
I lay down with her, connecting our lips again. There was a chill in the air, but her body under mine was warming. She moaned into my mouth, wrapping her legs around my waist. And she giggled.
I pulled out of the kiss, joining in with her laughs, even if I didn't know what was funny.
"A zombie and a sexy doctor. The most bizarre pairing." Her thumb stroked that spot where my shoulder met my neck. It was nice.
"I thought you were a nurse," I didn't know why I felt the need to say that.
"Bit sexist," she continued stroking my skin.
I played it cool. "I bet there's zombie meets sexy doctor porn out there," I said.
"Should we contribute?"
I giggled. "Unfortunately, I'm about to bag a record deal. Gotta behave," I kissed her cheek, unaware of the phone call the next day, Malcolm telling me there would be no deal.
Nurse -actually, no, Doctor- adjusted on the couch. "What do you have to drink?"
I instantly got off her, feeling quite parched myself. "I got beer. Is that OK?"
"Perfect!" She sat up on the couch as I trudged my way to the fridge. The light inside blinded me, fucking up my already drunken vision.
"So, do you live alone then?" She asked.
"Yeah," I grabbed the first can. It was already open, so I put it back and grabbed another. It was untouched. Nice. "Just me, myself and I," I took another and closed the fridge door with my hip.
"I liked the music, by the way. I don't know if I said that already, but it was great," Doctor took the can from me as I sat next to her. We cracked them open simultaneously, foam spilling down the side of mine.
"You did say that," my green eyes flickered to hers, and then I took the first sip.
"Oh! Well, at least you know I'm telling the truth. I mean, I'm not usually a fan of that type of music. But I really liked it," She took a sip of her own.
I giggled as beer trickled down the corner of my mouth. I dabbed at it with my middle finger, "You said that too."
The darkness hid her blush. She looked down at the can in her hand. "Sorry, I didn't realise how drunk I am."
"Babe, it's New Years. Who isn't drunk?" I lifted the beer can again, taking a longer drink. None dribbled down my face this time. Swallowing, I spoke again, "Not gonna lie, I thought you were gonna go home with that John Lennon guy."
"He wasn't John Lennon. He was Harry Potter." The Doctor put her can on the coffee table.
"Round glasses. Same thing," I smirked, swirling my own can in hand.
"True," she shuffled closer to me, crossing her legs. "But nah, I wouldn't have gone home with him. He asked me if I wanted to see his wand." She buried the upper half of her face in her hand.
"And what did you say? You'd rather be eaten out by a zombie?" I couldn't resist it.
The Doctor threw herself at me, "You disgusting, cheesy, nasty…." I wasn't sure what she was trying to do; slap me? Cover my mouth? All I knew was her hands were getting grabby.
"Sorry, I had to," I struggled to get away from her hands, even though I didn't want to resist.
She stopped getting handsy, and I stopped struggling. My body was warmed by hers again, our faces inches apart. She closed the distance, pressing her lips to mine, and we kissed for another moment.
I expected to taste beer, but her lips were as sweet as the colour of lip gloss she wore.
Was I mad that we weren't immediately handed the contract? Fuck yes.
Was I made to feel better because I had this cute girl in my home? Fuck yes.
I pulled my lips away from hers, letting our foreheads remain connected. "My…" I started breathlessly, "My name's Adore, by the way."
The Doctor laughed, reaching over for her can.
"You know…uhhhh, if you're interested," I watched her take another drink, "You know…maybe in case…."
She put the can back on the table, turning a smirk to me. "I'm Cherish."
"Oh, for real?" I blinked, unsure of how to process a name like that. Then again, my name wasn't exactly normal.
She giggled again. "Nah, just making a stupid joke. It wasn't funny, I know. I'm just my own comedian."
Yeah, it wasn't that funny. But the fact that she was proud of herself made me laugh.
"I'm Courtney," she held her hand out. "Happy New Year."
I looked at her hand; the pastel pink nails were decorated with little syringe stickers. Even before I took it in mine, I knew she was a good hand shaker. That sounds ridiculous, right? We've all experienced awkward handshakes, and we've experienced great ones.
"Happy New Year, Courtney." I shook her hand.
"I hate to ruin the moment, but where's your bathroom?"
"Just down there at the end," I nodded to the left side of the room, where the small corridor led to the bathroom and two bedrooms.
"Right," she stood, "I'll be back. Don't worry. I'm not gonna try and sneak out the window or anything."
"You only climb out the window if you got a death wish," I added. Not sure why I even needed to say that. Maybe she wasn't a dark humour type of gal.
"BRB," she left me in the room alone. I watched to make sure she found the right door. The thought of her stumbling into my bedroom, seeing the absolute state it was in, was humiliating enough.
The couch would be fine for tonight. The bedroom another night…
That was assuming she'd want to see me again.
Before my mind could linger on the thought, the phone started ringing. I took the last gulp from my can, standing up and making my way toward my bookshelf, where the device pestered me with its shrilling sound.
As soon as I picked it up from the receiver, the screeching stopped, and I lifted it to my ear.
-_-_-_-
"Hello?" I put on my sweetest voice as I spoke into the receiver.
"Ugh, just the sound of your voice…makes me melty," Courtney spoke into the receiver, her voice huskier than usual.
"You like to repeat yourself a lot," I pointed out.
"I do, don't I? I sent you a Valentine's card. Did you get it?"
"The mail hasn't been delivered yet. Did you get mine?" I bit the top of my thumb, trying to contain my excitement.
"Probably. I've just got a whole pile of others to get through first," she teased.
"I'm so glad your comedy has improved," I stood by the window overlooking the street outside, fingers playing with the curtains. "So, what's the plan, fam'?"
"Well, I thought we could meet up sometime around 7. Romantic stroll, food, and then back to yours for sex. But it's up to you. Which do you want first?" The humour in her voice had me twirling my hair. Fuck, I literally turned into a teenage girl when I spoke to her.
"I'm not too fussed on the other options, but the last one…." I was back to biting my thumb.
Courtney was silent, "Is she going to be there?"
At the very mention, I looked into the kitchen where Joslyn sat at the breakfast bar, her back turned to me.
"I actually have no idea. I guess I could find out and get back to you," I lowered my tone, turning my back on my roommate.
"Oh, is she there right now?"
"Yep."
"OK, call me later."
"I will."
"Mwah."
"Bye."
I was the one to hang up, something Courtney commended me many a time for. 'Cause wasn't that the same for everyone? When no one could decide who should be the first to end the call, the awkward moments?
She always called me "a rare one". No one had ever referred to me as rare. I've gotten all of the following; dirty, scary, angry, not feminine enough, intimidating, a sket (I had to look that one up, it's British, apparently). There were a lot more.
Putting the phone back on the receiver, I made my way into the kitchen, "morning, Jossey," I sat on the other side of the island. She glanced away from her book, eyes glaring. She hated my nickname for her. Hated me even, which was a shame; I enjoyed having her around.
"Morning," she murmured, flicking her gaze back down to her book, letting me know she wasn't interested.
Don't get me wrong, Joslyn liked me at one stage. She only moved in the year before, and, in the beginning, it was fucking great. We used to go out every weekend and party hard. After too many shots, we'd hold each other's hair as we threw up; I'd big talk her to whichever boy she was making eyes at, and she'd tell everyone about my music.
Joslyn and I were pretty tight.
Then one day, after telling everyone we were "going away" for a whole day, we may have taken more than one tab of LSD each, and right after my peak…I don't know; I just kind of lashed out.
"The only reason you're living with me is 'cause I can't afford the rent 'cause Rodney fucking Sin is a cunt. You understand? You hold no real value to me other than that. So go fuck yourself!" Yeah, I really said that. Rodney didn't think we were good enough, and that really stung. She was the only one I felt like taking my anger out on.
Of course, I was just running my mouth, tripping fucking balls, but Joslyn never let it go. The partying stopped, which was probably a good thing 'cause she was a college student with aspirations higher than mine.
"So, any plans? Any dates tonight?" I leaned my elbows on the breakfast bar.
"For me, no," She flipped the page in her textbook, keeping her head down like she was trying to tell me to go away. "Just got back from a seminar an hour ago and - -"
"Ooh! The one with that girl…." I clicked my fingers, trying to remember for the life of me what the bitch was called. Joslyn used to rant to me so much about how this one girl in her class thought she was the shit.
"She wants to find a gateway to a parallel universe," Joslyn had told me one night. We lay under a dark blanket of stars in the soft grass of the park, sharing two joints. "She watches too much Doctor Who."
"A parallel universe?" I had giggled. "Like, did people laugh when she said it?"
"No. She's…pretty. Like big blonde hair pretty. Everyone was so encouraging to her." Joslyn had scoffed.
"OK…And what's her being pretty got to do with it?"
"Adore…being hot is a benefit. No one likes to admit it, but it's true. If I had said that, people would have laughed."
"But, you are hot, Jossey."
"Yeah, but she's blonde hot."
Of course, the stories of the girl stopped coming after I had my bad trip. But little moments like this, in which I struggled to remember her friggin' name, gave me some hope that she'd see how much I wanted her friendship back if I did remember.
"Brianna…" Joslyn answered for me.
"Yes, her!" I widened my eyes. "Hey, at least I remembered her. How is Miss Doctor Who bitch anyway?"
"She's fine." Joslyn pursed her lips. "She's really nice, to be honest."
Welp…there goes any more stories of hot blonde Doctor Who lady.
"I have another seminar later. So no Valentine's plans for me."
"Math?" I wasn't pretending to be interested. I genuinely gave a shit about her education. Another thing I liked about Joslyn was how ditsy she seemed and how it would show when we were in public. But her academic knowledge could blow your mind.
She nodded her head. "We've been doing continuous quantity."
"Uh-huh?" I nodded, unsure of what that actually was. Before I could ask her to elaborate, the mail was shoved through the letterbox. "Sounds super cool," I said, already forgetting what she said. I stood and went to grab the pile of letters that lay sprawled out on the floor. "And...complicated…"
"I mean…not really," Joslyn started as I rifled through the 5 letters, "I guess it depends on your approach to measurable magnitudes."
"Oh, party," I swear, I swear I did give a shit.
Joslyn must not have been convinced because she continued, "OK, so…like, you and Courtney have been dating for 13 months, right?"
"Uh, huh," I smiled when the red envelope was at the front of the pile.
"Which is one year and one month, OK?" Joslyn continued her rambling.
I opened the envelope, already excited for whatever message she put inside. Asides from handshakes, Courtney was also great at writing cards. She'd fill the whole thing with random thoughts, sweet words and cute drawings.
The front suggested it was handmade, which gave her more brownie points. It was simple; the background was white with a giant red heart in the middle and pink writing at the top. 'To my one and only….' Red stained my cheeks as I opened it.
"OK, so that is what's known as a portable vector…."
"The fuck?" I cut Joslyn off, my eyes taking in the message inside the card. I reread it. And then once more.
"What? I'm sorry, am I boring you with my number theory talk?"
"No, it's…." I closed the card, inspecting the front again. The hairs on my arms were beginning to rise. "I've… I've been sent a Valentine's Day card…." I turned and faced Joslyn as if she'd explain it to me.
She looked back at me as if I was on crack.
"I've been sent a Valentine's Day card from my ex-boyfriend." I glanced down at the card as I made my way back to the seat.
"Awww," Joslyn faked her smile, "I guess he still likes you."
"Yeah, but…" I put the card down on the island between us, "I haven't seen him since we were 12. Like…I don't even remember that much about him…."
Joslyn picked the card up, a sigh disguising a scoff as I further interrupted her studying. "Roses are red…Never have I ever…loved someone this much…be mine forever…." Her eyes met mine again, unsure of what to make of it.
"Yeah," I rubbed my goosebump covered arms, "He rhymed ever with ever…." I tried laughing.
"This is giving me Netflix You vibes." Joslyn put the card down, glancing at the door.
"How did he get my address?" I was speaking quieter.
"On that note," Joslyn closed her book shut and stood up from her chair. "I got that seminar."
Hell no. She was not leaving me alone here. "But…you said it was later."
"By later, I meant now," she packed her book into her bag and hurried to the door.
"B-But…" I tried.
She hesitated at the door before swinging it open quickly.
I flinched, waiting for the creepy card sender to pounce on her.
But that didn't happen. The coast was clear. Thank fuck.
She scoffed, putting a hand on the door frame. "I won't be back until 9 tonight. So you and Courtney have plenty of time to fuck." She said with a scoff.
"Oh, I…" I blushed, unsure of what to do with my emotions now. Joslyn left, pulling the door closed behind her.
Now that I was alone, it didn't exactly feel like that. The goosebumps on my arms were still standing stiff. I picked up the Valentine's Day card again; it felt gross just holding it.
And I grabbed the top, tearing the thing in half.
-_-_-_-
Courtney made her way through the small pile of photographs, giggling and cooing at whatever was printed. I prepared the tea tray in the kitchen, the room completely spotless. The whole apartment was spotless, which...I know; I should've been ashamed for not taking better care of it.
"Oh, Adore! Do you remember you used to always beg me to tie your hair up with those green ribbons?" Mom called out to me, sitting on the couch next to Courtney.
It was normal to feel embarrassed by your Mother exposing all your younger pictures to your significant other. Still, I wanted to crawl under a rock and for someone to stamp on it repeatedly.
I didn't answer, only did my best to laugh.
"Oh, wow, Adore!" Courtney gawped with amusement. My stomach was already twisting.
"Adore hates that one. But her little bottom was so cute!" Mom bubbled.
Fuck. The cursed bath picture from when I was a year old. I never thought this day would come, her showing it off to my significant other. I carried the tray into the main room like my life depended on it.
Courtney nodded in agreement, her smile wide as she moved her gaze to me. She turned the picture to me as if I hadn't seen it 100 times already. "You little cutie."
I took the picture from her hand and sat next to her. "You're both so embarrassing. I'm hiding this forever."
"You can't," Courtney whined. "It's adorable."
"It's my picture. I won't let you hide it on me, Adore." Mom scolded me. "Anyway, would I even be your Mom if I didn't embarrass you a little?"
She was right. I smirked. "Happy Mother's Day, Mom." She returned the smile, reaching over and squeezing my knee.
Courtney made another exciting noise at the following picture in the pile. "Oh, who's this handsome devil?"
I avoided looking at it, afraid of what it was.
Mom still smiled as Courtney showed the picture to her. But it curved almost, the corners wanting to drop down. Her eyes moved to her lap, closing her mouth and clearing her throat. "Uh, that…that was Adore's first boyfriend."
I played with the mug of tea in my hands and glanced at the picture with a wariness. I couldn't even remember what the kid looked like, but I also didn't really want to look. Speaking of which, why did Mom even have a picture of him anyway?
My eyes narrowed for only a moment as I sipped my tea.
"Poor guy, he…um…." Mom's eyes were still lowered for a moment when she lifted her green eyes to meet Courtney's blue ones, "he died when he was just 16."
My face shot up to look at my Mom again. My brows struggled not to furrow as I tried to maintain my neutral reaction.
But Courtney blinked. Then she looked at me with confusion. I could read her mind. Why hadn't I told her about that?
"He did?" I finally asked, taking the picture from Mom.
"Yes!" Mom answered as if it should have been a given, "He had…you know…" she then mouthed, "cancer." She nodded her head as if willing me to remember.
But I didn't remember. Like I told Joslyn so long ago, I barely remembered anything about the guy.
Was he even really dead? He did send me that Valentine's Day card. And surely Mom wouldn't have ever let me forget something like that.
I was scratching the back of my neck, feeling more like a dick for appearing so forgetful.
"God, Adore, you've got the memory of a goldfish," Mom sipped her tea, her smile returning, "but ever since she met you, Courtney, she's been doing a lot better for herself. Not focusing on the music as much. I mean, I'll be honest. When she told me she was seeing a woman, I was sort of shocked. She never liked girls as far as I knew anyway. But I'm so glad I'm finally meeting you. You seem like such a lovely young lady."
Courtney was the one blushing now, and I loved every second of it, seeing how bashful she could get.
"You're not like those unfriendly lesbians I see outside those bars…."
My eyes widened. "Mom!" She meant well, I swear to God. She was just…a little old fashioned.
Courtney didn't seem to mind, knowing Mom was stuck in what she knew, and the fact she even accepted that I was with another girl was enough.
"Are you planning to marry?" Mom asked a bit quieter, even though I was right there.
"Ummm…" Courtney looked at me and rubbed the back of her neck.
I felt just as under pressure.
"2 years is a long time to be dating." Mom continued. "I was married and pregnant by then." She was really pushing this.
"Mom?" I stopped her. "Times have changed since you were our age," I tried my best not to sound patronising, "We wanna live a little first. And I got my career to focus on." I sipped my tea.
"Career? Honey, you sing at a bar one night a week and work in that…rock and roll shop that smells funky," Mom said disappointedly.
"Thanks, Mom." I refused to look her in the eye.
"Look. Last year, your Daddy told me he'd love to walk you down the aisle. Don't you want to give him that opportunity? Before it's too late?" She looked away, a sad look in her eye.
She wasn't expecting me to answer. And I wasn't going to.
I just sipped the tea more, avoiding her eyes.
And Courtney and Mom sipped at their own drinks - sipping sounds were the only thing filling the silence.
"Gosh, I'd love some Oreos. Anyone else want some Oreos?" Courtney asked.
"Yes, please." Mom said graciously.
"I'm good," I answered.
And Courtney stood and hurried into the kitchen. When she rounded the corner, disappearing from view, my jaw clenched.
"Mom, can you fucking stop whatever you're doing?" I whispered and growled at the same time. I kept glancing at the kitchen, fearing Courtney would walk in on this.
"Look, honey. All I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with getting married!" She whisper-growled back.
"Mom, for fuck sake - -"
"All you young people look at us like we're too old school. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's a commitment."
"Mom, she doesn't even live here. How is that a commitment??"
"Well, marriage would help start all that up!"
I couldn't believe her logic. I know I said she was just stuck in her ways, but this was too much. "Mom, just stop, please. We're never getting married…." I touched the back of my neck again, eyes trailing away from Mom, "And…I don't even know if she - -"
"Adore?"
Both our eyes shot to the kitchen.
-_-_-_-
Courtney came out of the kitchen, carrying a somewhat lighter cardboard box. "Where will I put my books?" She asked groggily. Her whole demeanour had changed since the day began. Carrying the first few boxes up, she giggled with excitement. Then as time went on, the smile only started to disappear.
Understandable. I was exhausted, and so was she. What we thought would take an hour actually took 4.
I didn't have an answer to her question. What was there to even say? The rest of the boxes were scattered everywhere, a lot of them stacked on top of each other.
"Ummm, just here," I turned, pointing to one pile in particular by the window.
Courtney didn't complain, only rushed to where I pointed and sat the box down carefully.
I glanced around the living room; nowhere to even sit with all of the boxes. "There's so many…." I said aloud, crossing my arms.
Turning away from the chaotic sight, I only noticed Courtney's face. There was that look in her eye like she was trying to appear normal, but inside she was panicking. "You're not…regretting this, are you?"
"What? No." I smiled. Of course, I wasn't having second thoughts, no matter how much room her stuff was taking up.
"You're not lying?"
"Well… Joslyn's gone. Someone has to help with the rent," I quipped, putting my hands on her dainty shoulders.
"Oh, that's how it is?" Courtney's eyes widened, yet all the worry from before disappeared.
I kissed her, my mouth smiling against hers. Knowing that this was going to be our lives now, it was just…it was just…fucking everything.
Courtney stopped kissing me, "Not gonna lie, I couldn't be arsed to unpack anything for the rest of the day."
I raised a brow. "Got something in mind?"
"I'm gonna stop you right there, so you can get your mind out of the gutter," She pointed, "I wanna chill out."
"We can chill out." I nodded. "Well, you can. I was actually gonna play some music. Nothing too loud." I glanced over her shoulder at my guitar, the thing collecting dust in the corner of the room. Surrounded by the cardboard boxes, it almost looked intimidated, backed up against the wall. I needed to save the fucker.
"You know what I want?" Courtney started. "Toast shoulders."
Those two words practically gave me goosebumps, "Fuck, it's been too long."
"Should I make some?"
"Yes!"
"OK. I'll make us toast soldiers. But only me. Remember last time?"
I sighed comically. "Listen, Malcolm told me you boiled the egg for 4 minutes. Blame him for it being undercooked."
Courtney giggled again. And I wanted to kiss her again. "Do you have eggs?"
Fuck. "No."
Courtney moved away from me, heading straight for the door. "I'll go grab some."
"Are you sure? I could go if you're tired."
"It's fine. The store's only across the street. I won't be long," Courtney slipped on her baby blue cardigan, blew a kiss to me and left the apartment.
How the fuck did I end up with a girl like her?
Before I even met Courtney, I thought I'd die alone. Or maybe I'd be with someone who seemed to fit perfectly next to me - a man just as sleazy as Rodney Sin, some 50-year-old pimp who wouldn't love me but only sought companionship.
This girl was something else, this bright ethereal ball of energy. And even though it had been years since we started this relationship, it still only felt like yesterday that I ran into her at that party. It's true when they say time flies when you're having fun.
I snapped out of a trance, realising I had just been staring at the closed door, smiling like an idiot. I glanced around the room, suddenly aware of how many boxes there were. Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but they seemed to bring darkness to the place.
I rubbed the back of my elbows, deciding to be a bit productive. I felt bad going through Courtney's shit, but the box of CDs caught my interest. Rifling through it, I found I didn't recognise most of these artists - whether that was because I had my own taste or she was a fan of more unheard of artists.
In particular, there was Nectar; the cover was a bit darker for someone like Courtney. It contrasted with the other CDs in the box, their colourful cover art. This one, however, was darker; The profile of a man staring right at me. Half his face was highlighted by red light, and the rest in shadow. I guessed he was the artist. There was no name, just the album title.
Checking the back of the case, I scoped out the song list. Still, nothing seemed to ring a bell. But curiosity still got the better of me.
I popped the disc into the CD player, skipping right to track 13. Every other CD I owned growing up, track 13 was always the best.
The music filled the place, and it wasn't what I was expecting. A sort of slow R&B track, the artist's voice melancholy. The way he drawled his words, I almost couldn't make them out. Despite this, however, I liked it. It was catchy, pretty even.
This was a thing. Something I was going to always associate with Courtney.
I absentmindedly started dancing, just a simple sway in the beginning. Then moving more freely around the room, like a ghost exploring this new world that was to be me and hers.
The singer's vocals continued to be mournful, mumbling like he was at his lowest, and not even the person he was singing to could get him out of it.
"Damn, Court', I never knew you had a thing for 'sad boys'," I said aloud, picking up the CD case again, looking at the book inside. The pages included the lyrics, helping a lot in deciphering what he was even singing. On track 13's page, it said 'For Blair', followed by the lyrics and nothing else.
Not that it needed it, I wanted to play along. I knew the guitar wouldn't suit a song like this, but hey, a little fun never hurt nobody.
I looked at where my guitar was, but it was gone, no longer backed into the corner by all of Courtney's boxes. It was there, right? Strange.
I glanced around the room, the front door to the couch, the bookshelf to the window. It was nowhere.
I left, swiftly making my way to the bedroom; if it wasn't in the main room, it would definitely be there.
I entered the chilly room, glancing around quickly. Nothing.
I made for the closet, pulling the doors open. Again, nothing.
SPLAT!
I flinched away from the closet, my eyes chasing the source of the sound. On the wall by my head was the shell of a cracked egg glued by the dripping insides.
Laughing nervously, I closed the closet and looked out into the hall, "fuck, Courtney. My heart's in my throat," I continued to laugh, my breath shaking.
I expected to see her standing at the top of the now dimmed hall, egg carton in hand, a mischievous grin on her face.
But the hall was empty. My smile dropped immediately.
SPLAT!
I jumped as another egg smashed in the hall, thrown from one of the other bedrooms.
"Courtney!" My tone sounded more agitated. "Courtney, what are you doing?"
I wanted to remain put, but my feet told me to move. And I was in the hall, hand right by the second splattered egg.
"This isn't funny, Courtney," I kept my eyes on the smashed egg.
Another splattering sound came from the room across the way, past the main room, in the now darkened kitchen. I flinched again, not as hard. Yet my feet continued to move me towards the source.
I didn't even think to look in the living room as I passed. As soon as I had one foot in the kitchen, my hand reached for the light.
It wasn't any use; the lights only blinked on and off. My hands trembled now.
The smell of eggs hit my nostrils, my brain telling me to look down.
"What the fuck?" I whispered, taking one step more into the kitchen. The floor was littered with smashed eggs, the yolk causing shiny streaks on the linoleum.
And a rattling tore my attention away from the wasted food. I saw it just in time, the pantry doors closing shut.
Get out. Just turn around and run. Go find Courtney and call the fucking police.
Yet I still found myself in front of the pantry, my shaking hands on the doorknobs. The light still blinked, the air was so cold, and I couldn't even hear myself breathe. I didn't want to do this, but something told me I needed to.
I pulled the doors open quickly.
All that was in the small space was the food we had stored away.
"Fuck," I sighed with a shaking breath. Everything was fine. There was no one in the pantry, no one in the apartment. I was going to turn around; the apartment would be warm and homely looking, the lights would be working fine, and the eggs would be gone, never there in the first place.
Before I could even fool myself into believing that, there was one more sound behind me. Nylon rubbing against more nylon.
Paler than I was before, I dared myself to turn around. The lights continued blinking. The air was still devastatingly cold.
There he was, the one throwing the eggs, standing right across from me in a soaked raincoat.
I gasped. Then I cried. And I stepped back.
"I'm sorry." The man whispered.
And he hurried forward, arms reaching out to me, his heels crunching on the eggs.
-_-_-_-
I shot up in bed, gasping sharply.
“Adore, what’s wrong??” Courtney was wide awake instantly.
I was catching my breath when her voice reminded me of where I was. Everything was fine. The apartment was glowing from the morning sun; it was nice and warm. It was just a nightmare.
Courtney’s arm met my shoulder.
I shook my head. “I just...had a messed up dream.”
“Oh,” Courtney was relieved.
The alarm started to chime, causing me to flinch slightly. Courtney groaned. “Turn it off, please.”
I turned it off. “Come on. You got work.” I did my best to turn and face her. She was rubbing her weary blue eyes.
“It’s a bank holiday.”
Fuck me and my goldfish memory. “Oh yeah,” I rubbed my own eyes.
“Could you make some coffee now that you’re awake?” Courtney stretched her limbs out. Her stretching soon turned her into a pretzel, appearing almost possessed. We joked about it often, how when she stretched, she always formed her body into the most bizarre positions.
“Of course, I will,” I turned around while she snuggled against her pillows again.
I threw the covers off me, exposing the watermelon that was my belly. I rubbed a hand over it lovingly, hoping the life inside would also wake up. I would need the company now that Courtney was bound to take another half hour in bed.
5 years ago, if you had asked me where I saw myself in the future, I would have said on a stage, spitting beer at a crowd of screaming fans who’d see me as their idol. I’d be unable to go out into the public, what with people constantly grabbing for a moment with me. Then the paparazzi doing all they could to get a story on my latest shenanigans. I know that sounds cocky, but we’ve all had at least one moment in which we fantasise about being famous.
I would have never guessed this is where I’d be - married and heavily pregnant.
I was waiting for the kettle to boil when the baby kicked. I winced, the pain-causing me to shudder as a shockwave coursed through me, goosebumps appearing on my skin as it travelled. It was bizarre to think inside me there was a tiny human, terrifying actually. At least once a day, I would lose myself in a trancelike state, just thinking too much about it.
“Maybe IVF was a mistake. We could have adopted,” Courtney said the week prior, catching me in one of my trances.
“What? No, the birth process isn’t scary to me.” I was sort of peeved by her statement. I knew she was only looking out for me, but I was afraid the baby could somehow hear her words behind all my skin. “It’s just…there’s a living thing inside me…and sometimes I just….”
I never finished that statement. I didn’t even know how to finish it. Sometimes I wished Courtney was the one who agreed to carry the baby just so she could understand. And even if that were the case, I’d like to imagine I’d understand her even though it wasn’t me going through it.
I didn’t hate being pregnant, but I didn’t love it either. I underestimated how much it fucked with emotions. It was a rollercoaster.
“It says ‘insert groove dowel pins into B1 and B2.” I felt useless, sitting on the couch and reading the instructions.
The TV was on in the background. Months back, we’d play music channels just for some background sound. And now our choice of white noise was the news. Was this what being an adult was supposed to be? Was I doing this right?
Courtney was on the ground before me, where the coffee table once was. She was surrounded by the cot, a work in progress. She looked at me cluelessly. “OK, what are dowel pins again?”
“The thingies…they look like maggots,” I turned the page to her, pointing at the image, for the 20th time now.
“Oh, OK.” Courtney searched the dowel pins on the ground.
I continued to stare at the page, waiting for her to finish the step. The baby kicked again; I squeezed my eyes shut which went unnoticed.
“...young female scientist Brianna Caldwell, leading the operation into discovering a pathway into a parallel universe. Some are calling the project outrageous; others are supportive of Ms Caldwell….”
1. Wow, did you have to point out that she was a female, Mr Probably Misogynistic News anchor.
2. Wasn’t that the same Brianna from Joslyn’s class?
3. Was it even possible? Other universes?
4. If yes, then what would my life look like? Would I be that multi-award-winning artist travelling the world?
“OK, then what?” Courtney asked, still working with the long plank of white wood.
“Ummm…” I almost forgot what step we were at, too engaged with my own thinking. “‘Align sliding panel AB…” why was my voice cracking? “...alongside bar EF.’”
“We did that already,” Courtney said a little too quickly, hinting annoyance in her tone.
“OK,” my hands started to shake, “‘Insert rod into top pole until base connects.’”
Courtney dropped whatever she was messing with; I was too busy focusing on the page in my hands. “This sounds more like a step by step guide on how to conceive. ‘Dash your hopes and dreams: for dummies.’”
She smirked, thinking she was funny. But I wasn’t laughing. My chin trembled, eyes watered. And I made a half-assed attempt at covering my face with my free hand.
Courtney stood up, manoeuvring around the WIP cot, when the first sob escaped my mouth. “Adore, no…I was just joking. Please don’t cry.”
A bit late now, Court.
“What’s the matter?” Courtney sat next to me, leaning close.
“I…just…I don’t know….” I sobbed harder.
“Adore, I’m really sorry. I was kidding. This is what I want.” She rubbed my shoulder, her voice soothing.
I couldn’t believe the words I said next, not until they were actually out there. “I just don’t want the baby to spoil everything.” Oh God, was I already failing as a Mother for saying it?
Courtney’s hand took mine. “That’s not going to happen,” she squeezed it reassuringly. “How is that going to happen?”
-_-_-_-
We stared at the ceiling as Lo’s wails filled our room, screeching from the monitor as he wept in protest. He didn’t want to sleep. And he didn’t want us sleeping either.
I clasped my hands over my chest, waiting patiently for something to happen. Maybe he’d realise Mama and Mommy needed their rest, and he was asking too much of them.
Or maybe Courtney would move.
I didn’t look at her, but I could see that she swept a hand through her messy blonde locks out of the corner of my eye.
“OK, nope.” She kicked the covers back, and I finally looked at her.
Internally I was thanking the heavens that she got the hint. But I couldn’t let her know that. As she clambered out of bed, I went to reach for her, but I didn’t even grab hold. “Court’, I - -” I had done most of the baby stuff. I needed a break. My sentence went unfinished.
When she left the room, I smiled with relief. I knew it would only last an hour before Lo started back with his protests. So I was relishing in it.
And now that she was gone, I had the chance to finally do the one thing I hadn’t checked off my to-do list. Courtney was home all day, insisting she’d take care of Lo while I focused on my music.
For the first time in a while, things were looking up. From uploading all but two songs to Soundcloud, Malcolm got me some traction. And -OK, this made me feel older than I was- having no idea how Spotify actually worked, I was even more shocked to find out he could put my music there too.
The many people who had listened already was just…something I thought I’d never see.
Malcolm said it wasn’t a big number at all. But hey, 1000 listens to each song on Spotify, that blew my mind. And now, I was on the path to making a real artist of myself.
It felt sort of like a betrayal to do it without the band. I had reached out to Spicey, but she had moved on, explaining she was married with kids of her own, and said, “OK, leave me alone now.”
But back to the present, relying on the past never did me good.
I quickly leaned over to the bedside table, opened the drawer and pulled the card out.
Courtney’s sweet voice sounded on the baby monitor. “Hello, my little angel. Why are you crying?” Lo’s wails were already dying as Courtney shushed him gently. “Why’s the baby crying…?” She continued to coo.
I turned back over in the bed, opening the bright pink card that said, “Best Mom Ever” in big capitals on the front. While Courtney began to sing the lyrics to her favourite song, Afterthought, I wrote the message quickly, a giddy smile on my face.
To Mommy,
I’m sorry I keep you awake at night. I just think you’re a cool person to be around. Mama says it all the time.
Happy Mothers Day,
Lo.
I slipped the card under her pillow, excited for the following day. I didn’t even care about the lack of sleep anymore. Courtney’s singing on the monitor was relaxing, the voice of an angel.
“Come on, little man….”
My eyes shot to the baby monitor. Because that wasn’t Courtney.
“Let’s get you out of there.”
My flight or fight instincts kicked in. I kicked back the covers, whimpering out Lo’s name as I rushed to his room. My blood was cold, even the air. It was all so cold. All of the panic, the fear of who was in our son’s room with him, it was all crushing my lungs.
I turned the corner in the hall, swinging into Lo’s room, my eyes instantly landing on the empty cot.
“Courtney!” I rushed to the cot as if this was just a trick of the eye. Maybe he had shrunk, or he was under the covers hiding. But none of it was true. My hands clenched around the bars. “Courtney!!” I screamed louder, unable to move away from my baby’s bed. “He’s gone! Someone took him!”
I choked out a sob, wishing this was all one big nightmare.
“Adore…what’s going on?” Courtney’s confused voice sounded from behind me.
When I whirled around, I almost passed out from all the relief when I saw Lo in her arms. He was wrapped up in a dinosaur blanket, looking around aimlessly, clueless to the distress I was in.
I should have been relieved. I should have taken him from her and held him close. But I glanced back at the cot, then back at Courtney, the confusion stronger now.
“I-I heard someone on the fucking monitor.” I glanced cautiously around the room, but we were truly alone.
“Yeah, it was me,” Courtney’s confusion disappeared instantly.
“No, but - -”
“I was just trying to nurse him back to sleep.”
“It wasn’t you, Court’.” My voice cracked. “I…It…” My hand clenched on the bars again.
“OK, calm down. He might get upset again.” Courtney stepped closer into the room.
I reached out and stroked the back of Lo’s head gently. I wonder if he really knew that I was distressed, the way my hand shook. I wonder if he would have been upset, too, knowing how terrified I was.
Courtney put Lo back in his cot. “There we go, baby…” she whispered.
Even though I knew it was just the three of us, I still felt like I was being watched. I had heard the voice, right? It was masculine, nothing like Courtney’s. Completely unrecognisable.
But why would anyone want to take my son?
I glanced around, realising that maybe no one wanted him specifically, but there were a lot of sick fuckers out there. And that thought made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I rubbed the area of skin, glancing out into the hall.
“You just need some sleep.” Courtney finished tucking Lo in. She went to leave the room, kissing me on the cheek before doing so. “Come on, you’re exhausted.”
But Lo was already starting to whimper. I didn’t want to leave him.
But Courtney was right. My whole body felt like lead, like moving was an exercise on its own.
And maybe she was right about the voice. Maybe I had dreamt it. Maybe I had managed to fall asleep for a few minutes while she worked at calming Lo down.
I backed away towards the door, still conflicted. My eyes remained on my baby as his cries already started to become more desperate.
My eyes remained on him as my hand found the light switch.
My eyes remained on him as it flicked it off, shrouding the room in darkness.
-_-_-_-
"Open up!"
I blinked a few times when I opened my eyes. They had only been closed for about a minute, so why did I feel disoriented?
Maybe the anxiety was slowly becoming worse. Every time I closed my eyes, I was reminded of that night. The fear of looking away from him for all but a second, and he'd be gone.
But this was supposed to be a happy day. So when my vision cleared, seeing all the faces in front of me, I put on my brightest smile.
I kinda knew they would throw me a surprise party. Well, party was a word for it. There were balloons, banners, all the usual decorations. But only 6 people. Mom, Dad, Malcolm, and 3 others who I think were just Mom's work friends.
"Suprise!" They shouted out, Malcolm displaying the cake in his hands. My eyes instantly went to the two candles. One being a '3' and the other a '0'. I was suddenly aware of the All Time Low t-shirt covering my body. Still wearing it after all these years.
I still felt…strangely disorientated. No one else seemed to notice. Malcolm was in front of me now. "Blow out your candles, baby."
"Oh," I needlessly sighed before blowing them out.
The attendees were awe-ing, and oo-ing as smoke trailed from the distinguished wicks.
"Happy Birthday," Malcolm hugged from the side, balancing the cake carefully in one hand.
"Thank you," I sighed once again. But the smile remained on my face.
He set the cake aside, and my eyes scanned the room. "Wow, this is…" my smile faltered, noting Courtney was absent.
Mom beckoned me over. I had seen her two days before. But Dad, I hadn't seen him in what felt like months. It probably was that long, to be honest.
"Hi, Dad!" I exclaimed, keeping my volume at a level that wouldn't freak him out. I wasn't a Daddy's girl growing up, but in the later years, we grew close. He liked my music a lot. And we'd watch old reruns of American Idol. He'd always say I had more talent in my pinky finger than they had in their whole being.
I'd accompany him to his game night at the pub, when he'd gather around with his friends, drinking and playing chess. He was always too enthusiastic about showing me off, telling his friends about my music. I'd tell them all about how I'd broken his heart in my teen years, constantly rebelling and breaking the rules. Of course, they'd laugh, slapping him on the arm. He'd say, "Well, look at you now."
I was over the moon to see him here in my home. Just standing there, facing the wall, looking at nothing, holding a red balloon in his hand.
"He's been so excited for this all week. Haven't you, Miguel?" Mom looked at him with a bright smile.
I was hugging him from the side, still gentle in my actions. He didn't reply. He didn't look around to kiss me on the head. He was still fixated on the wall.
Mom's smile was gone. She said in a hushed voice. "He did know he was coming. I just think…."
"It's gone again," I answered, saving her the trouble.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought him," she lowered her tone again.
I wondered if she realised that he could still hear us. Sometimes it felt like she didn't like he was an inanimate object she spoke about and did not speak to.
"No, I'm glad he's here." I kissed Dad on the cheek. There wasn't a hint of acknowledgement, but I knew he felt it.
"He wouldn't want you to remember him this way."
I held back from saying any more. If words were to come out of my mouth, they would be pointed. And one of the biggest rules of your birthday was you couldn't show anger, sadness or negative feelings. Don't want to look ungrateful.
Before I got too lost in my thoughts, Malcolm commanded my attention.
"Happy Birthday, baby bitch." He held up what was obviously a gift. And by how poorly wrapped it was, it was pretty obvious what it was. My eyes were already wide. "I'm sorry. I really tried."
I took the guitar by its neck. "What the fuck, Malcolm? This must have cost so much." I knew it did. I'd been eyeing the thing up for months. But when money was tight, it was out of the question. And when there was money, I felt like I didn't deserve it. Not like the music thing was going good anymore anyway. Turns out 2000 streams on a song isn't that big of a deal.
"What if I told you I got it with a five-finger discount?" Malcolm said a bit too loud.
My face darkened. "That's a joke, right?"
He laughed. "Bitch, of course, it is. Don't worry about how much it was. I had some change to spare."
My green eyes were shifting from Malcolm, then to the guitar, then back to my friend. "You didn't have to do this." But I couldn't contain my excitement, a squeal of excitement escaping my mouth as I brought him into a hug. "Thank you so much."
Pulling away, Malcolm's smile was as bright as mine. He glanced around the room, hands on his hips. "Where's Courtney?"
"I…" I shrugged, "I don't know. Mom, where's Courtney?" I felt bad for asking. I was the one who was supposed to know where she was. And I don't mean that in a controlling relationship type way. I just… couldn't…pinpoint when I last saw her.
"Oh," Mom looked around too as if she hadn't even realised, "She said she'd be here."
Just as the smile was disappearing from my face, the front door opened. I expected it to be Courtney, walking in looking stunning as always.
She'd apologise for being late, she was just picking up my present, which was probably something stupid like a carton of eggs. She'd hug me tight, kiss my cheek, wish me the happiest birthday, and promise toast soldiers later.
The truth is it was Courtney. And Trinity K Bonet, her work partner.
"Hi, darling." Courtney panted like she had run up the stairs. She hugged me gently and kissed my cheek.
She was smiling. Not as bright as I expected. Maybe that was asking too much. Maybe it wasn't.
"Hi, Trinity." I made sure that smile didn't move an inch. I was doing a good job, but the greeting could have been more enthusiastic.
"Adore!" She exclaimed as if she hadn't already seen me, as if Courtney hadn't told her it was my birthday. "How are you? You look…" her eyes looked me up and down, "great! You look great!"
Say thank you and be done with it. Just say thank you. "Um…I don't look great but thank you." Fuck.
"Nuh-uh. I think you've lost some weight. Turn around, lemme see."
Fuck my life. This is why you just say thank you and be done with it. I blinked, only now noticing that everyone's eyes were on me. I couldn't believe I was about to do a slow spin just so Trinity could probably pass judgement while she stood there, lean and tall in her gorgeous red suit dress, her hair styled perfectly.
I slowly turned, glancing at Malcolm. His gaze was on Trinity, lips pursed and brows raised. At least I wasn't the only one. He winked at me reassuringly.
"Yeah, you…you really have," Trinity said, quieter.
I couldn't bear it anymore. I finished the rest of the spin. She smiled like she was about to grab me by the shoulders and tell me she was sorry for my loss. Courtney was smiling and staring at me. Some part of me was pissed she didn't stop her friend from making me spin like that.
Mom was rubbing the back of her neck. Dad was still staring at the wall.
"Oh, it's just baby fat." Mom wasn't holding back. Her voice was full of frustration as she stared daggers at Trinity. "It'll go away, honey," she smiled at me.
"Isn't he 2 years old?" Trinity just couldn't help but add.
Again, Courtney pretended she didn't hear a thing. "Where is Lo?"
"Having a nap." I averted my eyes, pulling my t-shirt down as if it wasn't already hiding enough skin.
"She was showing everyone pictures at the work do!" Trinity beamed.
Ah, that's where she was. How could I have forgotten? Not like I was sort of pissed about it days before.
"Oh, yeah. How was it?"
"Oh, well, it was OK, I guess." Courtney looked at Trinity for clarification, "We only really stayed for a little while. Kind of boring, wasn't it?"
"So boring," Trinity groaned.
"We just…showed our faces to the higher-ups, you know. Kinda schmooze them up." Courtney laughed. And her gaze moved behind me. "Hi, Malcolm," she said quickly.
"Hi, Courtney," Malcolm returned the greeting with the same energy. "And this is…."
I just shifted uncomfortably, knowing how awkward this really was.
"Oh, this is Trinity," Courtney wrapped her arm around and put a hand on Trinity's lower back. "She just started under me."
"Hm," Malcolm smiled, eyes glaring down at Trinity, "has she?"
Courtney slid out of this awkward bubble that had been created as Malcolm exchanged air kisses with Trinity. She quickly moved to the snack table, and I followed. She poured herself a drink while I worked at this sudden uneasiness that fell over me.
"Courtney," I said quietly, rubbing my hands along the sides of my skinny jeans. "My Dad's here."
In all the years we'd been together, Courtney never had the chance to meet my Dad. Not her fault. He was just…in and out of the hospital. It was unpredictable when his health was going to decline again. And what with Courtney working more often, it was impossible to find a suitable date to have a get-together.
Courtney smiled before taking a quick sip of her drink. Her eyes then sought out the wide variety of finger food spread out on the table.
"You wanna say hi?" I asked quietly. I don't know why I made it sound like I was asking for a donation to charity. I hated it.
"No problem, I'm just gonna grab more drinks from the kitchen. I'd love a cheeky gin."
And she left me standing there, staring at all the food. The smile was becoming harder to maintain, almost making my face ache.
"OK, Adore! It's that time again!" Mom's said behind me, and I instantly knew what was happening.
I turned to see her already skipping towards me, blindfold in hand. The smile dropped. "Mom. No. Please."
"It's a tradition, honey. We have to!" She beamed. And she turned to address the party guests.
"Mom, please - -"
"Every birthday since she was six, we've always played blind man's buff!" Mom exclaimed like she was announcing that she had just won the lottery and a day on the beach with Michael Bublé.
"Not every birthday," I directed my gaze to Trinity, who seemed to be loving this already.
"Yeah, we have, Adore," Mom said, quieter and more stern. "Although, last year was the best. It's a lot more fun after a bottle of wine."
"I got pictures," Malcolm teased.
"I know it doesn't seem like her, but Adore's always been a sucker for party games. Right, honey?" Mom's honey-sweet voice was starting to take a toll on me.
Not that I was paying much attention anymore anyway.
Malcolm, Dad and the people I didn't know stood to one side of the room. And Courtney and Trinity remained on the opposite. My partner said something quietly to her. Trinity's eyes widened with enthusiasm. Her perfect lips turned up into a coy smile.
And Courtney put her hand on her back again and led her away to the hall.
I watched, trying to get a sense of where they were going. But as soon as they had started moving, my world was shrouded in darkness.
"...first person you grab will give you your main gift!" Mom secured the blindfold.
"OK…this is actually happening," I murmured.
"Malcolm, my darling, come and spin her!" Mom's voice said from behind me.
"Don't mind if I do," came Malcolm's flirty tone.
I was spun around 3 times, my friend counting up each time before announcing the game had begun.
I was left with a limited amount of my senses. Not that you need a tutorial on how to play blind man's buff, you've probably played it at a grandparent's birthday party. But holding your arms out is a lifesaver. You won't find anyone, of course, but you'll feel any obstacle in your way and save a broken vase. Your hands are your eyes when you're world is just dark.
I held my hands out and moved forward. My knee hit something, maybe the armchair. Hey, I didn't say you definitely wouldn't hit something.
Knowing where the chair was, I got a sense of what direction I was to head in. I bravely took a few more steps, thankfully avoiding more objects.
Just as I was beginning to question why I was still doing things like this at the age of 30, my right hand brushed something. Fabric. It couldn't have been curtains. I grabbed the person. "Got you!"
A frightened sound escaped the person's mouth, and I knew instantly it was Dad, still standing in the same place since the party had begun.
I apologised profusely, feeling him freaking out. "Sorry - sorry - sorry!" I couldn't stop. "It's me, Adore! You're safe!"
Thankfully, he calmed down instantly as I felt how he stood still again.
Back to the game.
I wandered around, hoping Dad wouldn't be frightened again and that I'd come across just someone. I giggled, picturing how this looked from the party attendees' eyes.
But it didn't last.
A sound brought me to a grinding halt.
It was almost like…scratching.
Curiously I followed in the direction of the sound, having no indicator of where I was headed.
As my hands connected with a wall to my left, I used it to help guide me along the way. Pretty sure I had just heard someone tiptoe behind me. I knew the sound of those shoes. Malcolm. He adored this particular pair of shoes because of how they sounded.
I could have turned and threw myself at him and ended the game right then and there.
But my curiosity had me following the scratching sound.
The wall kept going. I was in the hall. And the rooms around me were the bathroom and bedrooms. A sinking feeling crushed my stomach in a tight grasp. That wasn't scratching I was hearing. It was squeaking…rhythmic squeaking…growing louder the closer I got.
My hands landed at the door that I knew too well; our bedroom.
I moved my face closer, trying to make sense of the sound behind the wood. But how could I make any more sense of it? I knew what was going on.
I had enough. I pulled the blindfold off, hearing grunting from behind the wood.
I grabbed the handle and flung the door open.
-_-_-_-
The suitcase was on the bed, and Courtney was on top of the suitcase. She bounced up and down, making the bed creak as she tried to zip it shut. 5 years ago, I would have laughed, would have filmed her even. And we'd both giggle 'til our sides hurt.
Not now, though.
She looked at me, panting as she struggled. "It won't close. I think you're gonna have to take something out."
I rubbed my hands off the side of my leggings. "You always pack the cases." I wasn't trying to sound like a dick; I smirked a little, hoping she'd smile back
But she opened the case, bombarded by Lo's stuffed animals. She dug through the contents, pulling a pair of knee-high boots and displaying them for me to see. "You gonna need these? I don't think they need to go."
"Mom got me those last year." I practically whined. "Of course, they need to go. I've barely had a chance to wear them."
Courtney stuffed them back in, "Well…" her tone raised before she rubbed her face in frustration. "There's no need for all these toys." She took out the biggest one, the stuffed elephant, and threw it down onto the bed.
"But Lo can't sleep without them." I rushed to grab the elephant.
"Look, can't you just make him choose one? You're too soft, Adore." Courtney continued to dig around in the suitcase.
"Courtney, it's his holiday too." I retorted, slamming the elephant back into the case. And I regretted my choice of words. I knew that face, I knew what she was going to say, and I knew what was to follow.
Please don't say it, Court'. Please, don't.
"It wasn't meant to be." She turned her gaze from me, working on the suitcase again.
"Not again." I shook my head.
She closed it, leaning all of her weight using her knees. But she looked at me again, brows joined together. "It was supposed to be just us two. Just a chance to get away from the miserable flat for a little while. That was all."
I pursed my lips, nodding my head. This argument...the one we had already had. I was exhausted. "Yeah, well, sorry that my dad died, Courtney. I'm so sorry that ruined things. I'm sorry my Mom can't take of Lo so that it was such an inconvenience to your little escape."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying that."
"Well, that's how it sounds!"
She paused again, a challenging look in her eye. "The last time you said that was when you thought I was cheating on you. You can't keep coming to your own conclusions because of how something sounds to you."
I looked away, holding back every urge to shout. "You didn't need to bring that up again. It has nothing to do with this."
"OK." She sighed. "Look, I just wanted it to be fun…." Courtney was pleading with me to understand, but how could I? "Like how it used to be."
My eyes were glassy. But I wouldn't let myself cry. Not again. "That's just life, Courtney." There was a crack in my voice. "This is what normal people do. They go away on holiday as a family."
She could hear the pain in my voice...See the tears in my eyes...I was on the verge of breaking. But she rejected it.
"Well, I can't fucking wait." She finally got the suitcase closed. She climbed off the bed and brushed past me in a flurry. "Get the passports."
I wasted no time sitting around crying. Not like it would do anything to take back what just happened.
My chin trembled as I opened the dresser's top drawer, but I fought the urge to open the flood gates.
I opened each book one by one, taking in the ugly pictures. Save for Lo's. He was an angel, staring curiously into the camera lens, blissfully unaware that Courtney and I had fought that day as well.
My fingertip ran over his little face. I stared at his picture; I knew he wouldn't always be this little.
-_-_-_-
"What day is it today, Logan?" My eyes were stuck on the small frame containing his face. I tried to hold my hands steady with the camera.
"Monday." He said miserably.
"Come on," I laughed. "You know what I mean. What's happening today?"
His little face lowered for a moment before lifting it again. His bottom lip was sticking out as he said, "I got school."
"Yeah, you do!" I exclaimed, looking away from the camera screen to the actual image of my Son.
Mom stepped into the frame, and I stopped recording. "Come on, buddy. I'm gonna walk you over there."
Lo was staring at me, the fear in his eyes evident. "I want you to walk me, Mommy."
My heart broke for him; what kind of mother couldn't take their Son to school on the first day? "I'm sorry, honey. Mommy's got work. But I promise I'll be there to pick you up. I swear." I stood up, setting the camera aside and moving to him. "You are going to have so much fun. Trust me."
I knelt down to his level, and I couldn't stop the crack in my voice. "I am so fucking proud of you." I took his head in my hands and kissed his hair.
I missed the disapproving glare Mom cast at me. But Lo was used to my potty mouth, and thankfully he never dared repeat the words.
I pulled away, quickly glancing around the room as if searching for something. Mom got the hint and messed with Lo's coat. "OK, let's go. We wouldn't wanna be late, little guy."
My eyes were wet with tears that I wouldn't allow him to see. I loved Lo, and I spent almost every waking moment with him, yet he never saw me cry. I didn't want him to know this misery. I didn't want him to share in it.
I glanced over my shoulder; he was toddling along to the front door. Mom smiled sympathetically, leaning in to kiss my cheek. "I'll text you when we get there."
I nodded, hoping my face wasn't turning red.
"OK, Logan. You can show me how we get there." She led him out the front door. "And please trick me into taking you to the ice cream parlour."
"I'm not that clever," Lo mumbled.
Mom winked before the door was shut.
And just like a hammer thrown against a pane of glass, the barrier was shattered. All of my emotions began to crawl their way out of my stomach, up through my neck and out through my breath.
My eyes were even wetter now. But, still, I tried so hard to ignore all these thoughts. I cleared my throat and made my way towards the couch, where several cardboard boxes sat on the ground.
I knelt down in front of the nearest one and picked up that CD, Courtney's 'sad boy' music that I had teased her so much for liking. We had played it one night, after a night out in which we weren't quite sure how we were even standing anymore, and we danced in this small space. Holding each other, swaying side to side, and kissing like we would never get another chance.
That was so long ago. Now here we were.
My face scrunched up as I couldn't handle it anymore. Sobs escaped my throat, tears poured down my tired skin.
This wasn't how I imagined my life. This wasn't what I wanted. Of all the times I thought of how I wanted to be a rock star, no. I take it all back.
All I wanted was for Court' and me to be how we used to be.
I put the CD back, still crying, knowing there were still a few more things of hers to be packed away.
"Come on, Adore. Don't upset yourself…."
How could I not feel like this?
"I just didn't…I didn't think this is how my story would go…." I wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve. I felt the warmth on my shoulder, my Dad's hand, reassuring me.
"Well, if you think about it, kid, I never thought I'd end up walking into a grocery store naked, asking what the soup of the day was. But…there you go."
It's awful to think now how that once made me laugh. There was nothing funny about it. "You were sick, Dad. It wasn't your fault."
"And this isn't yours, Adore."
I wanted to believe it so bad. But would this even be happening if it wasn't my fault? "Courtney's left me, Dad. Now Lo's left me."
"Only until the afternoon."
"I know, but…." I shook my head, sniffling, "I'm 32, in the middle of a divorce, and working at a pop-up coffee shop with my best friend. Not exactly the fairytale I hoped for."
"Enough of this. It's Logan's first day at school. This is supposed to be a happy memory."
I squeezed my eyes shut, more tears escaping my eyes. I shook my head. "Sorry, Dad. But it doesn't feel like that."
The doorbell rang abruptly.
I looked over my shoulder, a sudden fear for whoever was on the other side.
-_-_-_-
The shrilling sound of the doorbell was making my head pound, doing nothing for the stress.
“Malcolm, would you get that, please??” I called out to him from the kitchen. My gloved hand fidgeted, opening the fridge door and finding the closest alcoholic beverage. The light drew attention to my Halloween costume - just your average witch attire. I missed the good old days when I could have been a bit more revealing, maybe with a bloodied pentagram on my chest and smouldering black eyeliner.
“Girl, I can’t. I’m putting in these contacts!” Malcolm called.
I scoffed as the bell rang again. I set the drink aside and rushed to the door. I pressed the button on the intercom, “Hello?”
I expected to hear children on the other end shouting, “Trick or Treat”, but then again, no kids ever went trick or treating in this apartment block.
“Hey, can you buzz me in?”
I rolled my eyes as Courtney tried to sound as innocent as possible.
“Yeah. You’re late, by the way.”
“Thanks.”
I pressed the button allowing her access and unlocked the front door.
“So the bitch has finally arrived!” Malcolm called from the bathroom.
I pointed a finger as I entered the room, “Don’t call my kids other Mother that,” and turned to look down the hall. “Lo! Your mom’s here!”
Malcolm turned from the mirror, displaying his sexy vampire outfit. Oh, to be just like him, to not give a fuck about what others thought of him. “Opinions?”
“OK, don’t call me a Karen ‘cause I think you look great. But please don’t let Lo see you.”
“I hate it. Fuck it, I’m gonna be a werewolf,” Malcolm turned back to the mirror and grabbed his eyeliner pencil. “I’m sure you got fake teeth laying around here somewhere.”
“Fuck you. You’re the older one.” I lightly kicked him.
“Shut up, bitch. Now tell me,” Malcolm already got to work on his cheeks, “Your new girl. Is she going to be there tonight?”
“She’s not my new girl, shut up,” I glanced over my shoulder in the sad case Lo stumbled upon the conversation.
“Do you want her to be?” Malcolm smirked.
“Bitch, I’ve only seen her Tinder profile.”
“Girl, it’s Halloween. How are you even going to know who she is?”
“She’s…” I couldn’t believe I even knew this information, but “she’s gonna be the boyfriend from Midsommar. When he’s wearing the bear thing….”
“Ooh, she’s different.”
“Yep.”
“And let me guess. You told her you were going as yourself,” Malcolm was on a roll tonight.
“Hilarious,” I nodded just as the front door opened. I almost looked. But what with Courtney picking and choosing when she came to see Lo, I didn’t even bother. “Lo’s in his bedroom.”
She reciprocated this energy, rushing past me towards Lo’s room.
“You’ve got some explaining to do,” I called as the door closed. To be honest, no, I didn’t need her excuse. I never did because it was always just the same thing.
“Alright?” Malcolm stepped back from the mirror, displaying the same outfit but with added whiskers and a black nose.
“You kinda look like…those emo kids back in the day.”
“Fuck!”
“OK, language,” I moved towards him, taking the pencil, “Oh, God. I sound like Mom.”
“What are you doing?”
“Turning those shit ass whiskers into cobwebs. You’re gonna be a black widow.” I started the process.
“Bitch, is that a microaggression?” Malcolm teased.
“For fuck sake, why are you like this?” I connected the lines. “Oh, shit. Do you remember when I first moved here 10 years ago?”
“Yep.”
“And I was living with that girl. Fuck, what was her name?” I paused.
“Joslyn.”
“Yes! Joslyn.”
“Is that who you’re turning me into? A venomous bitch?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. I never thought about that girl so harshly. But who was it hurting? It had been years since I last saw her. She was probably living her life in a huge mansion that she rightfully earned from all the money she made.
We enjoyed this moment, feeling like we were young again and enjoying life. “Shit, remember we said that if in 10 years we were still single, we would just marry each other?”
“What? Feeling desperate now?”
I put my hands on Malcolm’s shoulders. “No, I was just…thinking…you know, it’s just funny how things turn out.”
Malcolm rubbed my arm. Fuck. Fuck me for making this moment sad. Fuck me for reminding everyone once again that life fucking sucked.
There was a knock at the front door. A sort of excitement bubbled within us. “Ooh, trick or treaters?”
“Yeah, let’s go scare the shit out of them!” Malcolm buzzed.
“Not you looking like that.” I made my way out of the bathroom and to the front door, taking the candy bowl with me.
I opened the door. And there was Courtney, dressed as a greek goddess, both her hands pressed either side of the frame, panting.
“You could have told me about the elevator being broken.” She bent over, catching her breath.
I turned away, skin pale as I stared down the hall. “Lo?”
Goosebumps rose when he didn’t answer.
I was running now. “Logan!”
I clasped my hand on the doorknob, flinging it open.
There he was, scooped up in the arms of a man in a soaked raincoat.
“I’ve got him, I’ve got him.”
-_-_-_-
"I've got him, I've got him…." I hurried through the front door, holding Lo in one arm and my phone pressed to my ear in the other, "No, please just get back here asap, OK?" Kicking the door shut, I tried but failed to contain the panic in my voice. Too many thoughts were running wild in my head - what had just happened? How badly had Lo hurt his hand? If I had kept an eye on him, would he have still been hurt? "OK, thank you!" I rushed to the bathroom, Lo still in my arms. With Mom on the way, I hung up, lowering Lo from my arms.
The cold water was on instantly, and I took his hand, holding it under the stream. "I know it stings, but it'll help," my voice still shaky. Lo pulled his hand away as the burn turned redder under the cold pressure. "Keep it under there," I moved it back, "You hear me? You gotta keep it under the cold water. I'm just gonna call your Mom."
I was almost afraid to leave him alone, unable to trust that he'd do as I said.
Courtney answered immediately. "Hello?"
"Lo's been hurt." My attempt at sounding calm and collected was failing.
"What?!"
"I mean…" I slapped my forehead, pacing back and forth in the living room. Fireworks outside the window reflected off my skin, causing me to flinch slightly. "He's still alive. He's not unconscious or anything. He just burnt his fucking hand on a sparkler."
"Right. OK - OK…Uh…Should I come - -"
"Yes, Courtney. Please come over!" My hands shook the more I paced, my feet knocked against the miniature toy cars on the carpet, causing a fatal accident for Lo's imaginary characters. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice. So far, he had suppressed any tears, biting his lip through the pain.
"OK. Sit tight. I'm coming."
I glanced into the bathroom; Lo did as he was told, still holding the red burn under the cold water. Was this just a huge overreaction? Was I that Mother?
I pinched my eyes with my fingers. "Thank you. He's…he seems fine anyway. I'm just…you know…Maybe it's all those PSA's on TV, I don't know…."
The front door opened, and in came Mom, right on time.
"Where is he?" Mom whispered.
"Bathroom," I mouthed before resuming my pacing. "My Mom just got here…I - -"
"I'll be there in 5."
Not that Courtney even needed to be here anymore; this felt…relieving. "Thanks, Courtney. See you soon."
"Wait."
I stopped pacing as my eyes travelled into the bathroom, watching as Mom inspected Lo's hand.
"I love you."
And all of a sudden, my attention was stolen away.
It had been so long since Courtney had uttered those words to me. And yet…it felt…natural…Like nothing had ever changed…
I blinked, unable to think of a response. I wanted to say those words back. As an act of hope or desperation?
The crack of a firework tore my attention away. And when I was brought back to my reality - divorced, single Mother, injured child - I hung up.
"Mom," I shook my coat off. "Is he OK?"
"Yes!" Mom was holding Lo by the shoulders, leading him towards me. "He's fine!"
My arms were already outstretched. I took his hands in mine and examined the wound.
Only…
"There's nothing wrong with him, honey."
True. Lo's hands were fine. No trace of a scar to be seen.
"But…he screamed," I twisted his little hands around in mine, checking the backs and sides. I couldn't have imagined this.
"Maybe you scared him?" Mom shrugged. "Logan, look out the window! The fireworks!"
Lo followed to where she pointed, pressing his small face against the cold glass, staring in awe at the bright colours exploding in the sky.
"Mom. I watched him pick up the sparkler. He burnt his hand," my hands were on my hips. "I know what I saw."
"Adore, honey, there's nothing wrong with him. He's fine," she took off her own coat and hat. Then she was still, "You did that though …when you were his age," she looked at me now, like this memory was only surfacing now, "I remember it burnt right through your orange glove."
But I…I couldn't remember a thing.
I wasn't even meeting her gaze any more.
I silently made my way to the couch.
How could I ever forget something like that? Something that would surely scar me for life. Oddly enough, as soon as I saw Lo pick up the sparkler, I felt the pain in my own hand. But still, I couldn't see it through my own eyes, grabbing the scorching hot thing in an orange glove. Nothing was surfacing.
"You know, maybe that's why you freaked out on him. You were probably thinking of that," Mom continued. "Hang on. I'm gonna make us all some hot chocolate. Not that awful instant stuff. The type your Dad used to make."
My eyes were staring down at my gloved hand now. I hesitated as I grabbed the bottom and slowly pulled upwards.
Something was definitely wrong. Because there it was - a red burn that had scarred over years and years of healing.
"Mom?" My voice cracked. "What's wrong with me?" I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look at the scar any longer. "Everything's just… I'm getting everything mixed up."
Behind closed eyes, I pictured my hand, scar free, hoping that it would truly be gone when I looked again.
Yet so many images came to mind - Lo grabbing the sparkler, Lo wearing orange gloves, Mom's voice. "It will sting, but it'll make you feel better, baby."
And as I longed for these images to be gone, I felt the inability to breathe. No matter how hard I inhaled, the oxygen wasn't getting to my brain.
"Well, aren't you going to put your hat on?"
"What?" I opened my eyes. My scarred hand was still held up in front of my face.
Mom placed a red paper crown on my head beside me, one found in a Christmas cracker.
Christmas was over…how did this make sense? The table was covered with plates of Christmas dinner, the tree was up and decorated, standing proudly at the back of the room. 4 people sat around the table. How did any of this make sense??
"OK, here's one. It's stupid, but I kinda love it," Malcolm chuckled at the small slip of paper in his hand, the Christmas jokes he always loved collecting from crackers, "What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in the chimney?"
Mom sat down next to him, awaiting the answer. As did the two sitting opposite him, Joslyn. And Dad.
"Clause-trophobia." Malcolm goggled his eyes.
"That was awful." Dad laughed anyway.
"And, what? You have a great sense of humour, honey?" Mom giggled.
My gaze shifted from each person, unable to understand if this was all wrong or if it was perfectly fine.
But how could it not be wrong? This particular group of people rarely mingled. Fuck, I would have never imagined Joslyn and I became so close she'd spend Christmas at mine.
"I married you, darling. I'd say that was hilarious." Dad clutched his wine glass, holding it out for Malcolm to fill.
Everyone was laughing.
Everyone except me.
"Dad…Are you alright?" I said too quietly.
"Yes, I'm fantastic," he took a sip of wine. "I had to be here for this, didn't I? I wouldn't have missed it for the world."
Everyone had their eyes on me now.
And someone moved behind me.
Hands grabbed my shoulders, and I slowly turned as they rubbed my skin up and down.
"You alright, baby?" Courtney leaned down, looking into my eyes so lovingly. "Well done on this. It's gorgeous." She looked hungrily at the food.
My eyes followed hers. The food did look gorgeous.
But there was a stirring in my stomach. Like I could throw up at any given moment.
"Just like you," Courtney looked back at me and left a warm kiss on my cheek.
My lips parted, stunned by that feeling, the affection I hadn't felt in so long. The love I longed for, mourned over.
Courtney moved away, taking her place at the opposite end of the table. Still, she looked at me, a proud smile on her face.
I was warm inside…and my stomach only stirred more.
"I did the roasted vegetables, actually," Mom added with a cheeky smile.
"Oh, I wondered why they were all black on one side," Malcolm dared himself to say.
No offence was taken; everyone whooped, enjoying every moment of this…this…what seemed to be ordinary moment.
"Where… Where's Lo?" I piped up.
"Oh, he's just getting on his Nativity costume," Courtney glanced toward the hall, awaiting her son's appearance.
Our sons.
I squinted my eyes. "Court'...are we…are we back together?"
"Yeah," Courtney giggled, glancing at the others like it should have been a given, "Of course we are. Remember New Years last year?"
Why was she even telling me this? If she expected me to remember, surely she wouldn't have felt the need to tell me. Surely she must have thought I was joking, even though I really wasn't.
Everyone was smiling, a bit too wide. Goosebumps were rising on my skin.
"I think it's time for the present," Joslyn winked.
"Yes." Courtney beamed with excitement. "Now's the time."
"No," I shook my head, "I don't want a present." My hand was clenched around my fork.
"Oh, come on, Adore!" Malcolm joined in on the excitement.
I refused to look any of them in the eye. This was fucked up. Everything was so fucked up, and I was the only one who could fucking see that.
I pulled the paper crown from my head, trying to relax my panicked chest. Courtney rushed to the tree, picking up a small box-like item wrapped in red wrapping paper.
"This is from all of us," Dad leaned towards me. "We all added to it."
The red box was in front of me now, Courtney holding it out to me.
I breathed heavily as I stared. One half of my brain told me to ignore it, tell them all I'd open it later. While the other half told me that it was just a present, no big deal.
With a puff of breath out of my mouth, I took the damn thing. I untied the gold ribbons and pulled the red paper off.
Courtney made her way back to her seat as everyone's full attention was on me and the now unpackaged item.
It was a large emerald-green book with gold trimming on the spine. Nothing scary so far.
When I opened it up, on the first page were two pictures - on the left, me as a freshly born baby. On the right; my latest birthday picture.
A label underneath read 'Adore Delano: A life in Pictures.'
This…This was nothing to worry about. I was overreacting again. Everything was fine.
I allowed a warm smile to appear on my face. "Oh God, look at me." I giggled.
"You were so tiny!" Mom beamed.
I turned the page to find more pictures. The first two were from when I was a little girl, dark hair in pigtails and flipping off the camera. It made me laugh how rude I was back then.
The other two were still me, only the teenage version of myself. One was a class photo, the other from my first house party.
"Oh my God," I chuckled, "that party. You guys were so mad at me."
"Little did we know it was the first of many to come," Dad commented.
I turned the page. The adult era - trying to get the record deal, Joslyn's first day living here.
On the opposite page; two pictures of Courtney with Lo sitting on her knee.
"Oh my God, that crib!" I pointed to the damned object lurking in the corner of the photo. "Do you remember that?" I lifted my excited smile to Courtney. "We struggled to put it up!"
"Yeah, like, how does it take 3 days to build a crib?" Courtney bemusedly questioned.
I turned another page. There was me and Malcolm, the Halloween when I was a witch and he was…a sexy vampire but then a werewolf but then a black widow. "Ah, there we are! The real stars."
"You sure that wasn't a microaggression, though?" Malcolm pointed, following it with a chuckle.
I turned page after page, even going back to look at the previous. "Oh God, this is so so cool. You guys got everything." I stifled, my emotions getting the better of me. I giggled, turning some more pages, "This is…" then some more, "...this is like my…" the tears were surfacing, "...my whole life is…flashing…."
I sniffed once again, slowly turning fewer and fewer pages.
Until I couldn't turn anymore.
I stared down at the book, my heart sinking.
I lifted my head. "Oh…"
They all looked at me, their smiles falling.
"I think I know what's going on now."
The sound of tires screeching...metal crashing against metal...My eyes squeezed my eyes shut.
-_-_-_-
I opened my eyes. Not that I could see anything. It was all blurry. And my hearing, that was fuzzy too.
All I could make out through the foggy sound were sirens.
That song was playing on the radio. Courtney's song. Our song.
My vision was clearing. There was the steering wheel which my head was pressed against, splatters of broken eggs on the window screen, red and blue flashing lights.
I wanted to move my head. The pain prevented me from doing so.
All I wanted was to go to the store and get some groceries. All we wanted to do was make toast soldiers like we did in the good old days.
A new sound screeched in my ears. A saw, I guessed. Not that I could look to see or react as the racket tormented my ears.
The only thing I could do was move my eyes and inspect the situation.
The window was cracked, ready to shatter into a million little pieces. And through a hole in the glass, there he was.
The man in the soaked rain coat, peering in from a few feet away, fear and concern all over his face.
Sparks flashed in front of the glass. So it was a saw...A saw that they used to remove the car door.
As soon as it was gone, the man had vanished, just like a ghost.
A fireman knelt down, looking right at me. "Can you hear me?"
I couldn't answer.
He moved closer, but he only became muffled.
For a moment, I blacked out, for the next thing I remembered was being carried from the car, my body in agony. The side of my head was hot and wet, something pouring down my cheek.
Mom? What's wrong with me? Everything's just… I'm getting everything mixed up.
Next thing I was on a stretcher, an oxygen mask covering the lower half of my face.
Adore, you've got the memory of a goldfish…
He wouldn't want you to remember him this way.
That's just life, Courtney.
The last thing I could recall was bright lights passing by, a ceiling so bright it was hard to look at. But there was Courtney, rushing by my side, dressed in her work uniform, scrubs and all, a tag saying 'Dr. C. Act, MD, PhD'
"Please, let me handle this. She's my wife!" She was crying. "I need to be with her, please!"
Then she was gone, the sounds of her anguished screams growing fainter and fainter.
This is supposed to be a happy memory.
I blinked through the bright white lights, hearing all those things in my head. I wanted to sob; I wanted to just scream. This wasn't fair. I hadn't the chance to live the life I wanted to.
And suddenly, the pain was gone again. I was back at the table; the Christmas dinner lay before me, the red and blue lights from the tree reflecting off us.
I looked at them all, unsure how I was breathing.
"Lo!" Courtney called.
In he came, dressed like a Christmas angel, the tinsel-made halo and all.
"Mommy's going now."
I tried to hold it in, the tears, the sobs, the anguish as Lo walked towards me. His face was like stone. Still, he would not cry through the pain. His little arms wrapped around my shoulders, and tears fell from my eyes.
"I don't want to," I cried, holding his arm. "I don't want to go."
Lo was stood there watching them carry me away on the stretcher, the same stone-cold expression on his face as a police officer wrapped him up in a blanket.
The man in the raincoat was there again, speaking to the police officer. "It was my fault. I just…I wasn't looking. I just stepped out into the road…."
I watched him from the stretcher as he turned to point at Lo. "I managed to get the boy out of the car. But…I couldn't save her." His voice was cracking. "I'm sorry."
I pitied the man.
He did more for me than I ever could have asked.
Lo had another chance at life because of him.
Sitting there at that table, surrounded by my loved ones, I held Lo's arm tighter. I was going to be OK. He was going to be OK.
"Come on, Lo," Courtney smiled sadly.
Still, I kept my hand on his arm, just a moment longer, savouring the moment.
But he was obedient, just how we raised him. And he went to Courtney.
My gaze shifted between them all, taking in each of their faces, how they didn't seem to express grief. But…sympathy.
"It's time, Adore," Mom whispered.
I blinked the last of my tears away, holding her gaze for just a moment. Never would I see this woman again, the woman who fussed over my 'etiquette' choices, who still gave a shit when my life was going nowhere, who'd kiss me on the head and tell me how proud she was.
Then my Dad, the man I hadn't seen in so long. In a way, it felt cruel that these were the circumstances in which we've met again. Did this happen to him? Was he really sick, or was he just taking in everything around him, watching it all collide with far off memories, constantly unable to understand what was real and what was not?
On the other hand, it felt right. This moment in which he got to share my pain, knowing exactly how it felt. It was sort of comforting, his smile. This is supposed to be a happy memory.
I flashed Joslyn a quick apologetic smile, regretful for the words I spat that destroyed any possibility of a real friendship. She smiled back, forgiving. This wasn't just about me. It was her moment as well - the chance to let go of our bad blood.
Malcolm's smile was the widest, of course. So many times, he smirked at me and said, "I'm the star, baby. I own this show." Even now, he couldn't help but compete for the limelight. Without this man, I wouldn't have had experiences. Experiences not many people had the chance to involve themselves in. I had gigs, hearings, and a small fanbase for a short time. It wasn't what I saw for my music career. But it was more than most people got.
Even though he was the main character of his life, he made sure I felt like a star on my own.
My gaze shifted away, looking to the top of the table. Courtney with Lo sitting in her lap.
I thought I'd spend my whole life with this girl, the cute Doctor I met at that one New Years' party. I dreamt I'd be a rock star, and she'd be my blonde bombshell of a partner, touring the world, making millions, idolised by so many other queer people.
Of course, that wasn't life.
I couldn't exactly pinpoint what it was that went wrong. At first, it felt like it was Lo, like we had thrown ourselves into the deep end, thinking it would be absolutely incredible. But Courtney and I loved Lo, even to the point we fought over who was seeing him the most.
Maybe it was everything about our relationship. The fantasy of being an attractive young couple with so much potential for happiness. "Ugh, I just want a big white wedding!" "Ew, no. My wedding dress is gonna be black, bitch." "Oh! That's a great idea! It'll be like…a ying and yang type thing." "Ughh! Yes, girl. And what would be even more punk rock is if we had a child and, like, gave them one of those out-there names. Like Ziggy or Blondie!”
It was all a childish game, just a bunch of make-believe.
And when we got what we wanted, it only caused a rift.
It was never meant to be. And no matter how much I tried to hold on to it, to make things seem fine, it had to stop.
And even when we picked it back up…well…here we are.
For all the good times, though, it was worth it. Courtney taught me so much in our good years, always hyped me up when it came to my music, and always appreciated when I was honest with her.
And best of all, she was an amazing Mother. Sometimes it felt like Lo preferred her over me. I never knew why; the thought of asking him scared me. But now, knowing I'd be gone, it's a comfort.
A sigh escaped my nose.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
The tears were long gone.
My whole body relaxed as I breathed out long and hard. I could already feel it. How everything was lighter now.
I whispered, "Goodbye, everyone."
And as the darkness came over me, I could hear it. Courtney and I'd song.
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