#I actually don't condone drinking lol

[strawberrysnoopy]

ACT ONE: The Photo Shoot, part one

prologue

summary of the series: for months, leon has been writhing in his bed dreaming of his friend's wife (you). he's been fighting the desperation for months until that one night you bring up a lingerie shoot you've done for a prestigious brand.

summary of this part: recalling the first time you and leon met, you've realized you've been poorly treated by your husband. leon is no different, in a toxic relationship with his wife, ada wong. as the seeds of resentment have begun to germinate, the desire for you grows like a brush fire nearby.

warnings: MENTIONS OF PUKE, BUT NOT ACTUAL PUKING, leon teaches you how to smoke (i don't wanna see no dumb stupid comments about "oh but leon hates smoking", well leon isn't disloyal but here we are), brief use of (adjective) girl (atta girl, good girl, silly girl), praise, mentions of misogyny (not from Leon ofc), awkward, tense ass convos, a fuckton of desc. and a little description, no sex (yet ;) ), cussing, descriptions of fucking, descriptions of masturbation, semi-public masturbation, almost caught masturbating, slight corruption kink (? if you squint), alcohol consumption, use of tobacco, smoking, implied sexual references, etc.

also a/n, writing this as of feb. 2nd, 2024: 60 notes?!!!!! i was writing this for my own personal pleasure but like...??!?! i got reblogged so many times?! im gagged, tysm you guys!!! making a playlist rn, so excited to release the soundtrack. if you see little random edits, i'm probably obsessing over the fic and trying to make it perfect lol/anticipate changes. i would also like to write I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING! always communicate with your partner, discuss issues, etc. this fic is just a lil’ taboo type of fantasy, do NOT cheat on your partners.

The first time you met Leon was at a grocery store: two weeks before your husband would have any idea of his existence and one week before he had invited Leon and his wife, Ada, over for dinner. You were picking up a bottle of red wine for you and your husband under the guise of wanting something nice for date night. The reality would actually be you were buying it for yourself after your husband decides you're not worth his affections anymore, lazily mosey on over to the spare room, and pull out his phone to text other women. The wine would be something to drink to inebriate you while you watched a shitty re-run of a sitcom from the 90s. Maybe if you got lucky, Golden Girls was on.

He was only browsing, stumbling upon the liquor section and staying to look if there would be anything worthwhile. And there was. It was you. He knew he had to think of something witty, something cool people say, before you left and thought he was some creep staring at you because he saw a smidgen of your breasts in a magazine. "You're a famous model, right?" He asked. Oh, how stupid he felt. He was a chronic overthinker: thinking of every last terrible scenario, a trait he picked up after becoming an agent. This had certainly felt like one of the worst options he picked, especially with how you would-- You interrupted him. "Yeah, that's me." The subtle sweetness, the slight rasp in your voice was better than anything any street drug could offer with the amount of dopamine flooding into his brain: overloading every neuron, synapse, dendrite, and cell membrane in his body.

But for whatever reason, he stretched his hand outwards and lazily grinned towards you. "I'm Leon." "Nice to meet you. Well, I'd say my name but y'know..." He nodded in an awkward agreement before you could even finish your sentence, but not daring to go as far to interrupt you. He felt as if he already started off the conversation with a cumbersome beginning. "Right, right. So, that's your real name? I see a lot of models use stage names n' stuff like that." He adjusts his weight from one foot to the other, switching the hand holding his grocery basket from his right to his left. He felt so...awkward around you. Maybe it was the fact you were a famous model, or maybe it was the fact you were just so calm. The joke causes a soft chuckle to leave your lips and the mere look of a fleeting moment of bliss to cross over your features makes his knees turn into gelatin. Those nerves solidify into stone when the overwhelming sense of guilt hits him like a tidal wave but allows it to wash over him for the sake of continuing the conversation.

"Yeah, just my regular name. I'm not that creative outside of modeling. Usually the photographers do the thinking and the creative processes for me." He chuckled, shaking his head and barely moving himself a little closer. Leon wanted to sink in that gentle, warm, and soft presence you carried around with you. Your aura felt comforting: like a hug after a tough day: it had felt so much more different than his wife. True, Ada could be affectionate but that's usually only after something good has happened to her or Leon was her last resort of attention. He really hated how much he would act like an obedient dog, awaiting her arrival home, coming back to her after she's treated him like dirt. You? You felt so goddamn altruistic and considerate. And he's only known you for three minutes.

You notice he's gone silent and you're silently hoping he thought you were cool. Cool. Like a teenager trying to fit in. You silently cringe at yourself until he smiles at you, almost like he's signaling you to continue the conversation. You can't think of any conversation starters. And you're a model for gods sake. You're usually so outgoing and social with other people but now it's like a cat came by and stole your voice box. Thankfully, he takes over that portion for you. "Buying wine?" He knew it was dry as all hell but he wanted to steer the conversation away from him being a fan of your modeling gigs. No, he just wanted to talk to you and discover what you were like behind the camera. (Okay, and maybe he wanted to see if you'd flirt with him.) "Yup. But I'm just buying wine for..." You paused, about to say 'for me and my husband' but your throat becomes dry whenever you feel like you're about to announce it to him. "...Myself."

He smiles. He likes that you're awkward in real life. The fact made you feel more real, like you weren't just some sexy model with expensive tastes and a bratty attitude. You were a person like anyone else.

"Right. Me too, just uh...just browsing." You nod, fidgeting anxiously with the sleeves of the coat you decided to toss on last minute before leaving the house.

The conversation went on to end when you eventually realized you would be home late. Although you thought that worrying your husband a little would be the thing that reignited the spark in your marriage, you knew that punctuality was a habit you'd like to upkeep. That, and you also knew if you talked to this handsome stranger for longer, you'd cheat on your husband. That night, Leon had fallen asleep to the thought of you for the first time. Soft little visions of pressing his lips against yours, caressing your cheek softly and whispering sweet nothings into your ear, etc, etc, cheesy lovey dovey bullshit. So much more different than the truly filthy thoughts he had about you nowadays. You're torn from your conversation with your friends when you make eye contact with him. You can practically feel his eyes travel from the hair at the highest point on your head to the very last bit of your black, leathery heels with perfect pretty pearls embellished on the pump. For a moment, you feel like you're trapped in some type of horny labyrinth while you stare longingly at him.

He's ripped out of his own longing by the feeling of your husband's hand slapping his back. Ada sat beside Leon with her arm protectively wrapped around his bicep. You felt as if the gesture were a signal to everyone at the party that Leon belonged to her. He was under her control, nobody else's. Or maybe the protective message was for her husband, as if he was an unruly friend to her husband. And you could agree with that. You fell in love with your husband because he was wild and care-free but after the diamond ring was slipped onto your ring finger, you realized he was also carefree in the sense that hurt you: talking to other women behind your back, and leaving for days at a time only to come back inebriated. But you stood by his side, no matter what. You hated how you felt like a doormat but you didn't know what else to do besides stay married and play the role of an oblivious wife while your husband fucks other women in various positions. In a way, you and Leon sat in the same loveless boat. Who knew when that same boat would be shaking from the violence of the both of you fucking, clothing pulled out and to the side instead of being fully taken off. Your thoughts become interrupted by an unmistakably handsome voice.

"Hey."

You feel a hand being placed upon your lower back except it's so much more different than your husband's. The palms were rough, callouses inside the nooks and crannies, and pulsing veins make you all dizzy if you thought about it for too long. His voice was dampened with some undertone of lust, his fingers prodding into the skin of your sides. He's always been a little too handsy for a man that's supposed to happily married. But you always figured touch was how he communicates: touch. But he's never touchy with your husband. Or any of your friends. And he missed you? Sure, your're friends due to the fact your husband was friends with Leon. (Even though you met him first, but I digress.) The simple phrase had your mind reeling, cheeks flushed red due to the hidden intimacy of it all. His wife shoots him a look and his hand immediately retreats back to his side, fighting the urge to palm the engorged erection struggling against the seam of his boxers. "Haven't seen you in so long, hm? Thought you disappeared on me for a minute." He's holding his facade of being totally and irrevocably in love with Ada up and steady. Like he had no feelings for you other than being friends.

"Of course not." You murmur, feeling a hearty chuckle reverberate from his chest. He takes his index finger and his thumb and gently swiping it against your chin.

"Atta girl." And of course, with how hoarse his voice is, your panties are instantly puddled with a thick pool of arousal. You hate his stupid, thick, sexy, and deep voice. You especially hate his voice whenever you imagine him degrading and praising you whenever your husband was away and you just happened to have your hand down your underwear, playing with your clit to ease the throbbing impulses you felt for Leon. He gives your back a single pat before moving back to stand beside his wife. You really hate that you feel jealousy flare like wildfire within you, but you brush it off.

Everyone would eventually be drawn to the several dining tables that were arranged in a group and had golden candlesticks and smooth white tablecloths on top. Once you are seated, you observe that Leon appears to be striving extra hard to guarantee his place beside you. He looks right at you for a brief moment. And only then can you see, just a hint of thirst sprouting in his eyes, before he glances away from you and gives Ada a quick smile while patting her thigh.

It's only a few minutes before Leon decides to break the awkward silence.

"How's that modeling gig going?" You nod, gulping down way too much champagne.

"Good, been going good. Have to admit it gets a little boring posing in front of the camera after a while but can't bite the hand that pays you, right?" You joke, and the table laughs with some sense of jealousy. "Nice to hear. What was your latest shoot?" He asked, leaning forward in a sudden rush of intrigue. Then those words pass your lips. Words he had never anticipated, even in his wildest guess (oddly.)

"A lingerie shoot. For Chanel." The table goes quiet. And everyone, including your dumb-ass husband, look at you. Someone (Ada) clears their throat in the dining room, hinting at you to elaborate and it's almost like you suddenly developed to ability to hear from light years away.

Leon, who had just finally got his goddamn boner under control feels his cock twitch back to life, fully hard instead of a semi this time. And correct him if he's wrong, but he starts to feel pre-cum smearing his dress pants. He's thankful he chose the black slacks instead of his lighter colored ones otherwise this would be downright humiliating.

"Sorry, um...I did an intimates photo-shoot for Chanel a few weeks ago for their new line of clothing." That seems to help lighten the mood a lot more because everyone goes back to their conversation with their respective friends, the embarrassing "confession" from you immediately leaving their minds. "The theme was Overtime. Like, staying later in the office with my shirt unbuttoned and stuff. Nothing that interesting."

The table simultaneously nodded, Leon going as far to excuse himself for a cigarette.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have a smoke." Leon scoots out from his seat, heading towards the upstairs balcony to take care of business. Asshole, leaving me with his mean ass wife.

You decide to join him outside.

The air had finally gotten too tense, felt too judgmental for your taste. Scampering outside, you're met with the sight of Leon smoking a cigarette outside. That's odd: you've usually pegged him to be the straight-laced, no-nonsense type of man yet here he was, smoking a cigarette while leaning against the balustrade of their friend's top floor home. At the sound of the balcony door opening, he turns his head to see what you're doing out here. His eyes scan you, almost like he would while he's in combat but it's more or less to get another glimpse of the outfit you were wearing tonight. Okay, and maybe he wanted to commit the sight of you to memory.

"You alright?" He asked, trying his best to look straight forward when you step closer and cross your arms over the balustrade.

"M'fine, just needed a minute of fresh air, I think." When you sit beside Leon, there's a few things you notice. The first was his outfit. A white button-up that usually would be covered by his black suit jacket, though he left it behind on his chair in the dining room. There's also mentioning his blacks slacks, fitting his muscular thighs a bit tight but loose enough so they're comfortable. Then there's the dress shoes, ones he wore at his wedding due to how overly formal they looked. Maybe he wanted to get some more use out of them? Who knows.

"What about you? Why are you out here?" You decided to be the one to take the reigns since the air outside had become incredibly awkward as well. "Same. Thought I'd take a minute of fresh air, you know?" The second thing you notice about Leon is how much he calms you. More importantly, how much you never noticed that you were anxious when you were around others. He had this aura of relaxing or maybe you were just buzzed, who knows that either? Maybe it's the cigarette, speaking of...

"I haven't smoked since college. Cigarettes, I mean. Don't think I even know how to do it anymore." The confession makes his head tilt to the side, now taking more of an interest in the conversation than before. He grinned wolfishly, taking your chin in one of his thick and strong hands and pulling your head forward. For a second, you could almost be dumb enough to think he'd be moving in for a kiss. Of course not. You'd never be that lucky. "Open f'me, sweetheart." And like an obedient puppy, you opened your mouth just enough so your pretty pink-shaded lips could be parted. He placed the cigarette on your lip, the moisture making the filter stay in your mouth alongside his index and middle finger holding it up, thumb brushing your chin. Little hazes of grey smoke dance along your tongue without even taking a sip of the smoke yet, your lips trembling with a lustful agony. "Now close your mouth..." He whispered, his damp and hot and horny breath hitting your ear like an affectionate declaration of love. "And inhale."

You close your lips around the cigarette, faintly tasting the flavor of him where he had sucked on the cigarette. You got notes of citrus, rum or some expensive, top-shelf label of whiskey he used to help quell the pain he experienced on grueling missions, tobacco, and maybe even the slightest hint of his wife's lipstick. Chanel's Rogue Allure, if you had to guess correctly. "...Now hold it..."

You held it. "Silly girl." He whispered, pulling the cigarette away from your lips while you slowly exhaled the rest of the smoke you've been holding in your mouth and then some. You can't tell if it's because of the alcohol, Leon's presence, or your mere anxiety but you begin to feel dizzy. Thankfully Leon seems to swoop in with his questions to keep your head in the game. Bless him.

"Why'd you need a minute, huh?"

For a minute there, you didn't know how to respond. Looking down at the leathery pumps you chose for the evening, you begin to wonder why you even chose them instead of answering his question. But you answered him. Eventually.

"I'm just tired. This whole night just seems a bit…” You gesture to the party in the background. “Fake. I don’t want to be here."

He hummed in agreement, but it felt like more of a signal for you to keep going. "I'm also just terrible at making conversation. Especially when it's awkward and silent."

His eyes flicker down to the pumps he'd already stared at tonight, not finding an interest in them anymore than your own body. He tucked his lip between his teeth, pulling the pink flesh away from his mouth before he spoke up again. "You're not that bad, you know? I think you're pretty good. How about this?" He pauses. Then a beat passes.

"Tell me something true. Tell me something you wouldn't brag to anyone about." He moved his cigarette to rest on the balustrade instead of the space between his fingers. "Something that's yours...and only yours."

You look at Leon with wide eyes, mouth agape as you struggle to answer his question. Your eyes rake down his face from the space between his eyebrows to his parted, pink lips: just a little chapped from the cold chill of the night air. You wanted to kiss him. All of those times you've had him over for dinner, all of those times you've spent with your hand down your panties while your husband was away on "business": dreaming of his best friend, Leon, and god, all of those times you thought about throwing caution to the wind and leaning in to press your lips against his: the sum of all of those moments had you quivering for more.

But you'd never cheat. You have a reputation. You have a husband that gifted you the pretty diamond ring on your finger. But how did it always feel so...impossible? Like you couldn't live another day if you weren't able to fuck Leon like a rabid dog in heat. But he was staring at you, almost as if his eyes were laser beams and searing holes into your skin: you had to answer.

"I don't know what I could tell you that's only mine." You chew on your lip. "Huh. How about..."

How about the fact I wanna kiss you? I wish it was you I was in bed with rather than my stupid, cheating husband? The fact you are so much hotter than him?

"I hate being a trophy." And that brings the biggest grin on Leon's face. A massive shit-eating grin. Leon had gone stir crazy. He wanted to peel your entire being open, see all of the nooks and crannies of your soul and devour it whole. But now wasn't the time to scare you away: even if he wanted to fuck you, you were still a friend to him. So he calmed down. "I can't say that's too surprising. I mean, who would? Being able to be pretty and have money being tossed at you is nice until you want something deeper. Then it seems like one of the only things that are scarce in your life."

You nod, letting out a breath of consolation. "That's exactly how I feel. Like my only purpose is to sit still, look pretty, serve my husband, and be a hole when he needs it."

His eyes become downcast, looking down at the garden on the ground level of the restaurant. "I get what you mean." The moment was interrupted by a waiter peeking out on the two of you: head poked outside of the door that lead to the outside area. He pulls his hand away from your soft skin and back to his side, sighing wistfully that tonight wouldn't be the night he gets to act on his desires for you. Damn it all to hell.

"You should head back. I'll be back, yeah?" You nod and within a few seconds, you've returned to your spot at the dinner table. He sighs, hand slipping down to palm at his erection. Fuck. Can't go back like this.

Just resist. You're just another woman. You have a husband, He thinks to himself, I'm married to a lovely woman. I am a faithful husband. The silent mantra he practices on himself works about as well as a band-aid on a bullet hole. Resist. God, but you looked so pretty tonight. That cute jewelry set you wore with your little black dress? Hot. The smoothness of your skin?

Resist.

But he can't stop picturing you on your knees in front of him, sucking on his cock. The sounds your perfect, wet mouth would make. How he'd ease himself down your throat. How you'd whine.

Resist.

Or how about when he could be fucking his cock into your tight, wet, and warm cunt? The tip of his dick kissing your cervix? Or what about the positions he could force your body into? Like having his arm around your throat, bicep curling into your mouth to muffle your moans from his wife hearing? Or how one of his hands would be gripping your hips while he needily plowed into your pussy, while you begged him to let up. Resist.

Resist.

Fuck it.

In the few moments after he's excused himself from you, he's already rushing to the upstairs bathroom of the restaurant: thanking the holy beings above for making it a single stall bathroom for his jerking pleasure. He hastily unbuckles his belt with one hand, other hand impulsively opening Twitter as a first resort to find some fashion fanatic post about the slutty lingerie photo-shoot you did for Chanel. Alas, you're still a bit of an undiscovered goddess in the modeling industry at the moment: so Google is his next best option. He pulls out his half-hard but hardening cock from his jeans before he can even find your photo-shoot and gives it a quick few pumps to ease the throbbing that's starting to build up in his loins. Eventually, he finds it. Thank fucking god because the creativity for his fantasies are beginning to run quite dry. And instantly he's grunting and groaning while he strokes his cock and scrolls through the multiple scandalous photos the photographers took of you.

"Fuck." He winces in pleasurable agony as he stares at quite possibly his favorite photo of you. The photo was in black and white: theme being "Overtime" like you mentioned. The white button up shirt was undone, revealing you had nothing on underneath, and allowed for the side of your perfect breasts to be revealed. If he squinted just a little harder, he could see your puffy nipples threatening to peek out of the shirt. He tried squinting a little harder to see your nipples a little easier. And oh my god. You have piercings?! He almost shot his entire load on the spot. God, he needed to fuck you. And hard. He groans as he feel himself get closer to orgasm. Closer, and closer, until--

"Leon?"

Fuck. It was you. God, of course you're so goddamn sweet, checking up on him to make sure he's okay. He didn't dare stop stroking himself off, especially not when he's got jerk-worthy material of you almost catching him. That's also not mentioning the soft intonations of your almost innocent voice right there. He's trying not to cum too quick, wanting to savor those images for as long as he could but he also realized his wife might start asking some questions and she wouldn't be on the other side of the door if she came upstairs. "F-fuck, yeah?" He responded after much too long of hearing your sweet voice. "Did you need something?" "Are you okay? I just got worried when you left. You've been gone for like..." You check your wristwatch: a classic and dainty Timex from the 80s with a blank band that wrapped around your wrist snugly.

"Fifteen minutes. Do you need water? Ibuprofen?" He shakes his head as if you could see him while he continues to jerk himself off, hand swirling in a sort of cranking motion as he tries to work his cock to orgasm. But his pre-cum isn't coming out fast enough, not as fast as the pumping motions his hand was doing right now, so he spits in his hand before bringing his palm back down to his cock and lathering his dick in spit. You believe him enough to think he might be getting ready to vomit.

"Nah, jus'...ngh, drank too much, I think." Please keep talking, He selfishly thinks to himself. "Oh, okay. Well, if you need anything, just text me?" He nodded, grunting out a thank you while he continues to dream of ruthlessly fucking you until you're embedded into his mattress. He wants you. He needs you. He feels himself get a little closer until he finally releases into his fist. His hot and sticky cum ran down his palm while the waves of post-orgasmic bliss and post-nut clarity simultaneously moved together as one. For a few minutes, he's panting like a rabid dog in heat until his breath eventually stills and he's able to walk downstairs and look his wife in the face while giving her the impression that he definitely didn't just masturbate to his best friend's wife. When he sits down at the table, the first person he makes eye contact with is you. You smile at him, mouthing a "you okay?" because, of course, you're still worried about him being sick. He nods with a grin peeled onto his face. Because he came to the sound of your voice. And you didn't have a fucking clue.

credits: snoopy divider by @animatedglittergraphics-n-more heart divider by @saradika-graphics

[soobberries]

Dilf!Seonghwa

Edit: this is a repost from my old blog including the little description below and I decided to not change anything about it. The blog I tagged below doesn't seem to exist anymore. :( also lmao I already started working on a part 2 xD yay!

Guys ahsdgajha. Lmao please I need to provide background for this post. I read @atiny-thingz Dilf!Ateez post and lemme tell you, I screamed. It brought back the memory of this running joke my friends and I used to have in 11th grade about this really hot dad that everyone crushed on. So in honour of the post that inspired me and my real life experience, I decided I would write this.

It is only a headcanon/au thing, but let me know if I should perhaps do a part 2?

Edit: here's part 2

This is the first time I’m writing kinda suggestive content and I’m pretty new to it so go easy on me, but I would love some feedback. It’s only suggestive at the end though lol.

Warning: Despite this technically being based on a legal reader, since there is a somewhat large age-gap - thought I would clarify:

Please be aware that I do not condone any type of relationships between minors and adults, nor do I encourage the idea of being a homewrecker. This is all just fiction! So without further ado, let’s get started!

Genre: Doesn’t exactly have one but has elements of crack and is suggestive.

Age: This is written for a somewhat mature audience so please, no under 16s. Stay safe younglings <3

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Ah yes, another day, another random school fundraiser.

Your mom got you to look after one of her colleague’s daughter, Nila, for the week while they went on a business trip.

It was the middle of the week and, while this kid was adorable, you’d literally do anything else then go to this weird fundraiser on such a beautiful afternoon.

Oh well, duties are duties.

So as this cutie kid drags you along throughout the whole school, showing you all the stalls and requesting that you buy her some food before she has her ‘shift’, you can’t help but notice that there are only parents here. No other students, siblings - nothing.

A deep exasperated sigh left your mouth because you were here for a good three hours, and quite frankly, despite this little fundraiser having some talks you could attend, you really had no idea how you would busy yourself since the talks offered were a bit boring and you had to pay a large chunk to get a space. Bummer.

Anyway after sharing some mouth-watering cookies with the little girl she asks you to come with her to her stall where she and her peers would be selling cold drinks, and of course you couldn’t say no because this kid was actually a sweetheart and you had it nowhere in your heart to do such.

So obviously you proceed to accompany her there.

It’s a cute stall, and you smile at the youthful, yet ignorant excitement shining in the little girl’s eyes as she exchanges the ‘duty cap’ that one of her classmates had on just prior.

Oh if only they knew what a real job was like.

It wasn’t until after the other girls left, that you realised she was alone, causing you to enquire about her job, wondering if she’s working the shift by herself.

“No, don't worry! Yerim is also doing the job with me. I’m sure she’ll come soon. See? That’s why there’s two hats.” She said, gesturing towards the other cap on the counter.

You nodded quaintly and silently decided to wait with her until her friend came.

“Daddy! Look! Nila is working with me!” A shout came from behind you and a little girl came running to bear hug Nila, causing the both of them to burst into a fit of giggles.

You smiled at the pair and watched mindlessly as Nila got Yerim her hat.

“Oh? Are you looking after Nila?” A voice called out.

‘Oh boy, here we go. Time to get out the speaking to parents voice’

Those were your thoughts as you dreaded having to act somewhat proper so the snobby parents around you wouldn’t undermine you. You took a quick millisecond to gather yourself before turning to face th-

Holy shit.

A blessing.You’ve been blessed. You can die happily now.

This man’s smile-

It’s shining. Blinding you and you do not care, he can have your eyesight.

Cue the slo-mo scene in the movies where everything looks ethereal and suddenly you picture him taking your hand, giving you flowers, and asking the same thing he just did in a softer more seductive tone.

AHaha but it’s not a movie so get yourself together you thirsty piece of flesh.

“Uh yeah, I am, her mom is away on business.” You said smiling, dying inside at the realisation that today was the day you decided to wear such a boring outfit.

Oof pain.

“Oh? I don’t recall Shannon saying she was going away,” He said furrowing his eyebrows, before staring at you,

YO SHIT IS HE CHECKING YOU OUT? HE’S CHECKING YOU OUT FOR SURE.

“nor that she would be leaving such a cute babysitter in her place.” He chuckles nonchalantly.

How is he so calm after saying that like it’s nothing??? Tf???

Fine, two can play this game sir.

“Well she didn’t tell me she was acquainted with such an attractive man either.”

That wasn’t the strongest comeback but like you're nervous okay?

He smiled at the remark, seemingly about to say something, only to be interrupted by his darling daughter.

“Daddy you have to buy something ya know!”

He let out a chuckle that you could only describe as handsome.

“Mhhmm! You too y/n” Nila said toward you with such bright eyes you couldn’t bother saying no. [as mentioned earlier, this cute kid has you weak.]

“Hmm okay you two, since you're all grown up, tell us the prices of your drinks.” You say egging the two girls on, to the man beside you’s amusement.

As the two little girls hurriedly tried to find the price list and decide who’s speaking first, Mr. handsome man turned to you.

“I like that name, Y/n,” He reached out his hand in front of him, “I’m Seonghwa. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Hehehehehehehe play it cool.

Daintely placing your hand in his and gently giving him a small squeeze as you do so, you let out:

“The pleasure is all mine.”

The two of you end up buying water bottles, him insisting that he pays for you so the girls have less to work out in terms of prices (apparently)

You greeted the girls, leaving them to attend to their shift, and discovered that Seonghwa was going to be here a while as well, in which the two of you concluded it would be a good idea to talk off the hours rather than wandering around alone.

You both wander around (a little awkwardly in silence mind you) until you find a table made to look like a wine barrel for a rustic vibe with two high chairs beside it. It matched the theme of this area which was made to be like an expensive barnhouse.

Now lemme tell you, water ain’t as classy as wine but that didn’t stop Seonghwa from calling over one of the workers serving cocktails, and asking for two empty wine glasses.

He then elegantly poured the water into both wine glasses.

“I suppose it’s too early to be drinking but never too early to stay hydrated in a classy way.” He said.

LMAO this guy has dad humour or very dry, dead humour.

You let out a genuine giggle since that was such a dorky thing to say.

“My peers would probably disagree with you as most of them pop out a beer by 9:05.”

“Yes of course, around your age, you don’t quite have the same responsibilities as I do.”

“Oh? Such as working and taking care of a kid? Because it would appear that I have to worry about that too” You replied cheekily even though you probably know he’s living a bit more of a tiring life by the way he spoke.

He let out a heavy sigh which you didn’t expect after your poor attempt of making the convo entertaining.

“Well yes that may be true, but at least you aren’t dealing with a toxic relationship - Only staying and sucking it up for the sake of your child.”

Oh. well that’s quite the share.

“I’m sorry to hear you're dealing with some hardships.” You utter out, genuinely sympathetic.

“But in my opinion, regardless of the child, you should make a decision that makes you happy. You can raise Yerim with no issue even when separated. Rather that, than letting her grow up in an unhappy home, no..? Then again what do I know?” You say while spinning the water in your glass as if it really was wine.

He paused while circling his pointer finger around the rim of his glass. His head resting on his other hand, seemingly in deep thought.

He looked towards you with an intense gaze. One that made you feel small and had your body urging you to run away. But it also captivated you, so you fought your body and held your breath instead to calm down the intimidation you were feeling.

His whole aura changed for some reason...

“You’re not wrong in what you're saying,” he leaned over the barrel, a little closer to you, “But what if the decision that makes me happy is looked down upon?” He said lowly, looking you up and down once again.

This shouldn’t make you nervous. In fact nothing could be considered remotely inappropriate and yet your breath was hitching and your stomach was churning.

Why? Why is this random man making you feel, for lack of better words, so weird.

Bad brain! Bad!

You must be looking too much into his words to think he could be insinuating something...right?

You wanted to back up a little, and lean away from him, feeling as though you needed to gather yourself, but as you leaned back the wine glass full of water was knocked over, splaying it’s contents over you.

The glass was saved, thankfully landing on some grass, protecting your wallet from a potential bill from the school or whoever owned this damned glass.

Your clothes and dignity however?

Can’t really say the same thing…

You stand up immediately picking up the glass and placing it on the table.

Only then do you tense up at the sudden coldness against your skin.

“Oh dear, are you alright, should I get you some paper towels or maybe a napkin?” Seonghwa stood up immediately at your side.

Even though this was painfully embarrassing and the looks you were getting from others didn’t help, you wanted to play it cool.

“No, no, don’t worry. I should’ve been more careful.”

You decided to look inside the little bag you had brought with you, trying to see if you have any sort of tissues with you.

What an awful day to be wearing a shirt that becomes somewhat transparent when wet…

As you're searching, you fail to realise just how transparent the shirt is, obliviously just trying to find an easy solution.

You may have been oblivious, but Seonghwa was not. He couldn’t help the large gulp he took as he saw the shirt stick to your skin, basically exposing anything underneath for everyone to see.

He had a few intrusive thoughts but he shook them off, instead, taking his jacket and placing it over you.

“What are-”

He takes your arm in his grasp and your bag in his other hand, leading you away from some of the snobby parents who had the audacity to still be looking at you in disgust because of your now ‘revealing’ shirt.

We don’t stan those parents alright?

Anyway he knows this school well and so he leads you towards a much more empty area and opens a door to what you’d assume is to be a guest restroom since it looked pretty fancy compared to the normal trashy bathrooms you see in highschools.

He placed your bag down onto the sink and locked the door behind him.

It wasn’t as small as a cubicle, but it was still a very small space to be in, not leaving much room to move around too much.

“Sorry, I just thought it would be more convenient if you cleaned and tried to dry up here.”

Oh? Well yeah this works you guess…

Then you see the mirror.

Cue heat rising to your cheeks and your breath hitching a little.

Oh that’s why he thought it would be a good idea…

Bro your torso is on display. Like, deadass.

Mental note: don’t wear white shirts and be a clumsy dumbass simultaneously in the future.

As you’re staring in the mirror in a small state of shock and further embarrassment, Seonghwa mindlessly grabs the towel next to the sink in the small cubicle, and tugs up your shirt a little bit so that he can place the towel on top of the wet mark a bit more easily.

Haha what?

It’s only when he notices that you’re extremely still, that he realises he shouldn’t just be wiping down a stranger’s shirt for them…

He immediately comes to a halt, while awkwardly glancing at you with the same slightly panicked expression that you held on your own face.

However, Seonghwa realised that, your face, flushed out a little, is frustratingly endearing to look at.

He almost felt the urge to just cradle your face in his hands right then and there...Maybe pulling you in closer

Mr. Park NO!

He shakes his thoughts away, immediately apologising, slowly retracting his arm.

But you know what your dumbass did?

Held his arm in place.

Yup.

You don’t know why, but it’s like your brain was straight out malfunctioning.

Body, actions, thoughts, rationality - all of it was not communicating with each other and you couldn’t logically explain your actions.

It just felt like maybe you should keep him there and let him take care of you, no matter how strange that may seem. It seemed right…

Either way this is just awkward and now there’s just so, so much tension.

The air is literally weighing on you a bit, especially since Seonghwa went silent after you instinctively grabbed his arm.

It was still, silent, and it felt as though if you moved, reality would break into pieces.

Dramatic way to explain the situation? Maybe. But it really did feel close to that.

“I uh...It’s okay. You can continue.” You let out shakily.

BRO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING OH MY GOSH. HE’S GOING TO THINK YOU’RE CRAZY.

I’m literally getting second hand embarrassment lmao, moving on.

He just adjusted his throat and gave a quaint nod before continuing what he was doing.

The issue was that now he was hyper focused on trying to not make any direct contact with your skin. His touches are so light, that it’s obviously ineffective, and you and him both know that, but no one wants to say anything.

He’s keeping his eyes glued to the wet patch on your shirt and as you look hopelessly at the soggy thing, you can’t help but let your eyes wander to his arms.

Holy shit his arms. You were already flustered, and now you have to sit still knowing his arms look so good? No way. It’s over for you.

His biceps bulged a little since it was bent, and the dress shirt he was wearing tightened around it, only accentuating how firm he was.

If he’s just that firm on his arms...Imagine what he’s like everywhere else…

Great… Now your feeling heat rush to more areas than just your cheeks.

Look away Y/n. Look away. Literally anywhere but there.

Ah yes, look at the ceiling.

You bit at your lip nervously, and in hopes that it would be a gentle reminder to restrain yourself from looking over at him.

“Can you-”

Your eyes meet his, and he darts his eyes elsewhere almost immediately.

He straightens himself up, letting go of your shirt and placing that hand now on the towel.

“Can you not bite your lip like that..?” He steals a glance at you before sighing.

“Ahem...Please.”

His ears are definitely a shade of pink and it doesn’t go unnoticed by you.

Honestly you couldn’t help but feel a bit prideful and more confident knowing that you weren’t the only one being flustered here.

You felt like you could breathe a little now.

Maybe your brain did a 180 a bit too quickly, since now you decided to lean closer to him, ensuring that your head popped up within his eye view, which was predominantly the floor at the moment.

You tilted your head tauntingly.

“Why? Does it make you nervous?” You said with a playful undertone in your voice - the seemingly newfound confidence urging you on in your antics.

He let out a scoff, turning his head to the side in disbelief before turning his head to look at you with his eyebrows raised, ready to challenge you.

He now leaned closer, clearly asserting a dominant aura with a small smirk graced on his face.

“Trust me, if I wanted to see you wet, this situation would be a lot different.”

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit

That was unexpected.

No you won’t back down. You’ve been flustered too much today and you’re tired.

Game face: on.

There’s no time to let the wet shirt of yours get the best of you. It is now no longer your priority in this moment.

[A/N: let’s go Y/N, show ‘em what you got]

You saunter close to him, pushing your hands on his chest causing him to lean back into the wall.

“Is that so?” You chuckle, reaching for his tie, tugging at it a little, before busying yourself with tightening it and making it look a little neater.

“And in what ways, would that situation be different?” you uttered out in the most seductive voice you could muster.

You held back a smirk as his breath audibly hitched.

He found his hand, crawling to grip your hip. Pulling you a bit closer towards him - bodies just touching.

“Well for starters, you wouldn’t have a shirt that would be able to get wet in the first place.”

You flattened out the tie, coming to a halt, taking time to gaze at him.

“Oh? And why’s that?” You said lowly, acting dumb.

His grip tightened around your hip, finally pulling you into his chest.

The slight dampening of his shirt didn’t bother him as much as his urge to touch you more did.

“Because, Y/n,” He spoke, leaning in so that you could now feel his breath fan your lips,

“In an ideal situation, you and I would both be naked.”

[guerrillateezsworld]

✨If your taking requests could you write 2000's Bill Kaulitz x reader

Reader is a singer from another band and they are good friends with Bill (two idiots in love). One night reader, bill and there band get drunk (maybe even take something 💊-if your comfortable with it ofc) the next day they don't remember anything but reader and bill have rings on there fingers. They find two cheap brought cameras and look through them. It turns out each of them went with there bands looking through the city for a dress/suit and got married (las Vegas situation). A lot of photos and videos of them (reade,bill and there bands) goofing around but mostly of reader and bill being all in love and stuff

<Sorry it's so long>

-🕸️

okay hahah this sounds fun. imma try to write it as an imagine the best i can lol

what happened? bill kaulitz x reader

this is based off of 2008-2009 bill! implied female reader but no pronouns used (i don’t think)

word count: 1450!!!

warnings: mentions of alcohol, LEGAL DRINKING AGE IN GERMANY IS ACTUALLY 16 (according to google) SO TECHNICALLY NOT UNDERAGE DRINKING I DONT THINK. CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG, cursing, mentions of smoking smoking cigarettes. (i don’t condone anything that has to do with excessive drinking and nicotine. it’s not good for you and it can really damage your body. please stay safe), that’s all. it’s not too much just mentions

a/n: i hope this is something like you wanted!! i’m not really good at writing abt parties so i just wrote about the aftermath haha because it might be a little more funnier idk. and i didn’t do the taking stuff cuz it may be a little much for others so yea!

————————————

it was all a blur, it really was. partying/drinking. it was crazy. me and bill had no clue what had happened. we woke up, splitting headaches and a mad hangover. small flashbacks of drinking starting to play over in your head but not much of remembrance. “what happened? and why did we fall asleep together in my room?” i ask bill who’s laying next to me, whining in pain. “i don’t know (name), all i remember is getting drunk and partying. we most definitely got shit faced i know that” he says with a small laugh. i just smile and shake my head before standing up to stretch. “uhhh (name)?..” i hear from behind me. “yes?” i ask. “um why is there a ring on my ring finger? and on your finger.” i turn around and look him dead in the eyes and then glance at my hand. “oh no. what did we do?” i ask in embarrassment. realizing that i probably told him all about my dying love for him, i turn red and nervously laugh. my eyes trail around the room trying not to make eye contact with bill. as i’m doing that, i notice two cheap cameras on my side table. i look at bill questionably before walking over and grabbing them. “what did you find?” he asks. i show him the two cameras and his eyes widen. “oh… i wonder what’s on them” i shrug and go to sit next to him. i turn the camera on and begin to look at the pictures. flashbacks start flooding my mind as my hands start to get a little sweaty.

“bill”, i say, slurring my words as i take another big gulp of my drink. “we should definitely go to my house and party”. and with that, we call a cab and go to my house to get even more shitface drunk.

the first few pictures were pretty normal, just funny and stupid pictures of you two and the others of yours and his band. “paparazzi probably had a fun time seeing us” i laugh at his snide remark. “most likely” i reply. the more we got into the pictures, the weirder they got. us smoking, drinking, laughing, it was a lot. drinks such as wine, beer, and vodka showed up on the pictures. until one picture caught our eyes. a picture of the same rings that sat on your guys fingers right now. then it got to pictures of you guys kissing and holding hands. i cough nervously and avoid his burning stare into my face. “well um that’s a lot…” i laugh nervously and smile. he just shakes his head as we continue looking through the pictures. we get to a specific picture that has us both gasping in shock. it’s me trying on a wedding dress with bill in a suit and the other way around. “what the fuck?” i announce out loud. then the next was even more wedding dresses. “what in the world are we doing here. don’t tell me we…” i get cut off as a picture of me and bill at some wedding venue shows up. we look at each other and our eyes widen. “is that that one wedding place in las vegas? is that why we have rings on our fingers? shit, we’re in trouble” he says. i sigh and nod. the next few are just the officiate reading to me and bill. then it cuts to us kissing and smiling. “well… i guess we’re married now? not technically, this place is a fake ain’t no fucking way. you have to plan it ahead of time and plan who’s coming and the food” i say while questioning bill. he laughs at my confusing rant before speaking. “well i mean i wouldn’t be opposed to marrying you…” he says, trailing off. “me neither bill. but we’re still young” i smile. some others were just tom acting really stupid and georg and gustav laughing. plus one of my band mates and tom getting a little closer than normal. he laughs and we finish looking at the pictures. i get up again and we decide to go to the studio where the others are probably waiting. as we’re getting ready, i notice bills loud gasp from the other room. i run in and ask if he’s okay. he looks at me and shows me what’s on his phone. my eyes widen as i read the headlines.

‘tokio hotel spotted with lead singer of (your band) at a local restaurant in germany’ and ‘tokio hotels’ bill kaulitz and (name) caught kissing outside of restaurant’

“bill… people will think we’re dating and then we’ll get so much hate” i sigh. “it’s okay i promise, i don’t have a problem with it” i look at him and blush. “to be honest, me neither”. he smiles at me and then he ends up reading another headline about me and him.

i groan loudly and walk back into the bathroom. “well that’s just great. i knew that was gonna happen. i’m surprised my phones not blowing up right now” as i say that, my ringtone goes off. i run to the room and grab my phone to see who’s calling me. it’s tom. i answer the phone to tom screaming.

“(name) what the fuck is going on right now. did you see what’s all over the internet?”. “yes tom i saw. we’re never gonna live this down.”. “well at least they got their answer about bill and you”. “what do you mean tom? there’s nothing going on between me and bill” lies. “yea yea. you guys are in love with each other. come on now”. “ what whatever you say tom.”. he laughs on the other side of the phone before talking again. “okay then, you keep telling yourself. just know that i remember how you guys were last night. nothing nasty, just that you guys were on each other the whole night and you two couldn’t and wouldn’t stop kissing the whole time” i’m sure he heard my extremely loud gulp and small gasp. “don’t you dare say anything about it tom i swear i will beat your ass if you do” “no promises (name). it’s all over the internet now so we can’t really do anything. you do know they got pictures of us at the venue and the shops” i groan extremely loud and sigh. “well that’s great. i can’t just ‘divorce bill’. we’re not even fully married, it’s just a fake wedding place for celebs” “you’re a celeb dumbass” “shut up asshole” he laughs at me again. “just calm down. trust me, i know how obsessed you are with bill. and he feels the same way about you. he rants to me and the others about how he wishes you would feel the same way” “what?”

i get cut off by bill asking who i’m on the phone with. “just your overly annoying brother” i answer. i hear tom cuss at me through the phone and laugh before turning my attention back to tom.

“thanks for that amazing compliment” “no problem” “okay back to what i was saying. listen, he’s so in love with you it’s crazy. you’re pretty much all he talks about. trust me.” “well, you caught me there then. i do have a big crush on bill. and it’s so hard hiding it and i’m sure i’m not good at it anyways”. i stop talking as bill walks into the bathroom. “i got to go, see you later tom” i tell him and hang up.

“um hello bill” i smile shyly. “you like me back?” he asks quietly. my eyes widen and i gasp. “what… are you talking about?” i ask. he smiles and walks closer to me and i back up shyly. i end up hitting a wall as he’s standing so close to me i can practically feel his breath on me. “i like you too (name). and i don’t know how you haven’t noticed yet. i’ve stopped trying to hide it.” he tells me. i look at him in shock, and instead of replying, i smash my lips on to his. “i like you too bill. i only started realizing a while ago that my feelings for you weren’t platonic and they were much more. and i’m so glad you like me back” i smile. he smiles too and kisses me again. of course i kiss back and wrap my arms around his neck while he wraps his around my waist. “i love you so much (name), please be mine?” i nod and hug him. “yes, a million times yes. i would love to be yours” i reply. he smiles again. “you’re mine now. so maybe.. getting married was a good idea” i laugh at his joke and just hide my face into his neck. “why don’t we get ready and bring the cameras to show them what was on there. they can’t make fun of us because there is some really, really embarrassing photos and videos of them on there.” “good idea” “i love you (name)” “i love you too bill.”

———————

thanks anon for the request and i really hope you enjoyed it!!! i hope it’s what you wanted and i’m really sorry if it’s not:(

[masqueradeofatlas]

I will start this message a bit funny. Are you anti of Jatlas?

Maybe I'm writing here, because I want to know that I'm not the only who ship them, and not only them in this whole shipping thing, but did someone ever tell you're sick, you're pedo or you should go to jail? Because as an artist I was called like that so many times, even when I created and published my Jatlas art in the past and even today, because I wrote something wrong to someone reblogged post. People are stiff, or even worse. Some of them really compare fiction to reality? We can be free to do what we want in this world even? lol

Sorry if this ask upset you. I don't want mix you with something bad!

I love these cosplays. Really. And also sorry for my bad english.

Anti?

Does this look anti to you? 🤣 I’m being sarcastic, of course. No, I am not anti JAtlas. Now, is the ship healthy? No. Certainly not. But I will insert something I’ll be including in my JAtlas story called Fatherless Figures;

(Both references to the book & game.)

You might be wondering why I would consider pairing Frank(Atlas)/Jack. Frank, although involved with Jack’s mind conditioning, wasn’t fully involved with Jack during his whole (rather short) childhood. In fact, so much so that’s why Jack called Suchong ‘Papa’. Frank always had the mentality that he was too good to get his feet dirty, which is why he hired Suchong and Tenenbaum in the first place to do the work while he gave the ideas for them (such as the puppy audio and fake family). The last he actually SAW Jack was when he smuggled him to the surface. (And honestly, I don’t feel (HC) that was fully accurate.)

Again, I am not condoning abusive behavior or supporting childlike-romantic relationships. Jack has been seen drinking, smoking, and having the mental capacity to shoot and make choices without mind control. So much so, it is suggested he raised five of the little sisters. Again. A CHILD couldn’t do that. Jack has been physically around for a little time, yes, but their scientific experiments allowed him to grow faster than the average human body. At the end of the day, I am simply a person who really enjoys understanding a villain (not excusing). Not everything is black and white, and people CAN change even with their worst mistakes.

So, yes, technically at a factual standpoint; Jack has been on Earth for a VERY short time, but at a mental/scientific/physical standpoint; he is not a child according to the game/book. But for people that don’t know the game as well or simply disagree. Fine. Let them. But I find the people that do that; often tolerate ships/flaws I would HEAVILY consider questionable both at a fantasy and even a reality standpoint, but again, to each their own.

Also, thank you so much for the compliment, we plan to share more JAtlas content soon!

[loversofthegrave]

So I feel like it's my duty as a wincest blog to share with you this movie I watched a couple of years ago. I went through a phase of watching loads of foreign gay movies I could find online lol and I came across this one called 'From Beginning To End' and it follows the story of two half brothers growing up in Brazil with their parents.

Firstly, it's actually a really beautiful precious movie and it's such an interesting topic with it being about incest because it's so taboo but the way the movie goes about it actually makes you very compassionate towards the situation, it's a complex topic of course. I don't condone incest in day to day life despite being a wincest supporter but it's interesting nonetheless. Humans are very multilayered and things aren't always black & white.

Secondly the parallels between these brothers and Sam & Dean are unmatched, it starts from their childhood and the elder brother is pretty much the youngest's caretaker, he lulls him to sleep, protects him by getting into fights, is always so proud of him. The difference is that their parents are more present but their take on the difficult situation is very beautiful really, seen here:

After their mum passes and they are grown up they begin an intimate relationship, they are forever and eternally entranced, in love and obsessed with one another to a hyper codependent state. The youngest brother is a swimmer and he's been awarded to train in Russia for the Olympics which means he will have to part from his big brother for the first time in his life. They are both very distraught by this but the big brother doesn't want him to miss out on opportunities so he goes.

The older brother is completely and utterly lost without him, he delves into partying, drinking, even tries hooking up with a girl but he can't do it. He just wants his little brother.

Overall if you're a wincest fan I think this movie will be like watching them unfold onscreen, there's so many parallels.

I found a link with English subtitles here X

Enjoy!!

[zaenaris]

in the mabu timeline, how do you see the relation between Inupi and Wakasa post final fight. Do you think that Inupi is bitter toward him? Like Senju probably is?

Short answer: nah, not really, Inupi has Koko back, saving Hajime from himself was Inupi's goal and priority, everything else is a plus.

Long answer: I mean he doesn’t forget what Waka and Benkei did, they acted like fools, Inupi said that to their faces, they for sure had good intentions but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So maybe Inupi loses a little bit of respect for his senpais, but he still care about them and he understands they probably didn’t know the best solution either: helping Mikey (Shin’s brother, the man they decided to follow ) or staying with Senju.

Wakui unfortunately never really explained benwaka's thoughts on the matter, so I personally headcanon that they felt they own something to Mikey since they “raised” Senju when Takeomi started spiraling after Shin's Black Dragon disbanded, but probably were too shocked to help Mikey when Shin died (+ I also consider my other hc of Waka having drinking problems, after Shin's death since in the last character book it's mentioned he drinks A LOT, so probably Benkei had to care about Waka too for some time, besides thinking about the gym and Senju)

So yeah, Inupi does not really condone their actions, but understands very well from experience that in life things can be messy and are never black or white

So basically Inupi’s just happy that now everything is cleared because I believe that at some point benwaka would properly apologized to Senju and Inupi.

In his heart, Inupi already forgave them (also because he has Koko back, this helped him to reach and inner peace that he already had, living in a healthier environment without gangs and such, but now of course it's even better and even if it's not easy, he's happy with this new life) but it is nice they also admitted their mistakes. Sure Inupi believed in them, from Wakui’s sketch it seems Waka visited D&D and was on good terms with Inupi, but there wasn’t the close relationship they had with Senju

For her, I believe it’s more personal so while she’s happy they came back and apologized, she’s still bitter sometimes cause she still can’t understand how could they have acted like that

But it’s the kind of anger you have when you’re mad with a brother (one you have a good relationship with of course), benwaka understands why she’s bitter but Senju herself quickly will forgive them. She values her loved ones more than a misunderstanding, we saw she was willing to make things right with Haru, so I think she’d be the same with Waka and Benkei

I think the relationship with Waka will come back as it was in the past, friendly, senpai-kohai, brother-like.

I also kind of headcanon that Waka knew about the "break up" between Inupi and Koko, I guess Inupi told him about that, but Waka understood how important they are to each other, so in the very short time Waka and Koko are in the same gang, I guess Waka got his eyes on Koko, to see if the feelings went both ways.

I also guess that Koko knew Waka, at least by sight and because of course he was Inupi's senpai, so yeah, maybe Koko felt a little bit intimidated by Waka, while Waka was just trying to test the water lol

In the end, he is able to read Koko and his actual feelings for Inupi, so of course during the fight, he has to fight Inupi because he's an opponent in that moment, but he also hopes that it will be the kind of threat that pushes Koko to admit his feelings and finally listening to Inupi.

So yeah, maybe after the fight, once BenWaka apologised and all, maybe at some point, one day, Inupi will causally say thanks Waka & Benkei for "forcing" Koko to act

And they'be be like "I don't know what you're talking about"

Inupi just snorts. His senpais are really incapable to have an adult conversation sometimes, but he understands they got the message, so they're cool.

[joltik-is-a-smol-bean]

fist things first there will be alot of dividers separating these questions they can all be found Here

This gets long so questions are under the cut!

TWs FOR MENTIONS OF BLOOD AND MEATS!

how many _types do you have?

1 if you only count Vampire, 3 if you count the Werebat paratype and Coyotehearted

when was your awakening? & for how long do you know about your identity?

Vampire back in 2013, Coyotehearted in 2020, Werebat October this year lol

is your _type real or fictional?

Coyote is real obviously, Werebat is fictional, vampire is kind of both as a Sanguinarian I elaborate more on that over on my main blog @sangaverage mostly under

#Irl vampire or #Actually vampiric

do you enjoy being a […] (Just put your label here)

Yes actually! Sorry that answer is so short lol

what's the reason of your identity? You can say that you don't know.

Coyotehearted is because I have such a connection with them! They are fairly misunderstood creatures with such rebellious attitudes and malicious compliance towards humanity it's hard not to love them for it!

Werebat Paratype connects with my vampiric identity I get alot of bat wings in my meditations and other spiritual stuff so I equated the two.

Vampire is because I am a Sanguinarian, Basically an unknown condition that makes us need blood to feel better, the widley considered theory is because there is something in the blood that our bodies have trouble producing on its own, hence the use of the word Vampire, that's a rather simple explanation but again it'll be over on the main blog so I won't go too much into it here!

are you also a part of the LGBT+ community? & does your _type have a different gender/sex than you? Do you even know your _type's gender?

Yep I'm Demisexual and recently questioning pansexual because at the end of the day for me it doesn't matter what you identify as or your orientation is, so long as it's legal, if love/attraction happens then whatever it happens! It just takes a little extra time and a personal connection to get there lol.

All is the same gender/ sex as me

do you think that you were born with your identity or has it "started" during your life?

Vampire is at birth for me but I needed to awaken into it, the other two were 'discovered' for lack of a better term

do you experience shifts? If yes, what kind of shifts do you experience most often? & do you own any gear? If yes, what is it?

wings in meditation, fangs just randomly, 'Twoofs/ 'vamping out' when I'm on need of blood/ energy (again more on my main) if i had to pick an alterhuman friendly word ill say something akin to berserker shifts but not exactly.

Yep, Vampire has fangs A Legacy Ankh and a few other bits of jewellery, coyote has some ears, werebat has nothing yet really...

is your _type more nocturnal or does it prefer daytime, what is your _type's natural territory/home & is your _type an animal?

All are rather nocturnal to varying degrees, all seem to like the forest especially foggy/ at night, coyote and werebat are obviously animal, vampire certainly behaves like it!

what are your beliefs? Does it affect your identity, does your identity affect your everyday life, how? & does your _type affect your diet?

I assume you mean spiritual beliefs? I am a demonolator and eclectic Witchcraft practitioner, I also practice vampire magick due to my Vampiric identity as a Sanguinarian.

I am technically hybrid as I have learned to psychic feed somewhat, but it's not as 'filling'...

I Don't know about everyday life but due to being Sanguinarian I do need to feed on either something bloody or energy every now and again, my feeding average is once or twice monthly! As such this also affects my diet, only to a small degree but things with high heme iron tend to help if I can't have blood/ blood foods.

(disclaimer I do not condone people randomly try blood drinking but as a Sanguinarian it does help me medically somehow, what you do is up to you but I will not be held responsible/accountable please be safe as I am, all food and 'donations' are thoroughly prepared/tested as to remove/prevent diseases)

do you have alterhuman friends? If yes, in real life or in the internet?

Yep in real life, S/O is wolfhearted and a close friend is either raccoonhearted or racoon Therian they are still questioning.

Alex's alterhuman ask game!

Reblog this post to let others ask you question(s)!

I tried to make this accesible to all alterhumans.

🌈 - how many _types do you have?

🌌 - when was your awakening?

👾 - is your _type real or fictional?

👽 - do you enjoy being a […] (therian, otherkin, ect. Just put your label here)

🧷 - what's the reason of your identity? You can say that you don't know. (Ex. "My theriantrophy is spiritual)

💚 - what are your beliefs? Does it affect your identity?

⚧️ - does your _type have a different gender/sex than you? Do you even know your _type's gender?

🧤 - do you own any gear? If yes, what is it?

🏳️‍🌈 - are you also a part of the LGBT+ community?

🌚 - do you experience shifts? If yes, what kind of shifts do you experience most often?

🌝 - how does your identity affect your everyday life?

💊 - is your _type more nocturnal or does it prefer daytime?

🤖 - for how long do you know about your identity?

🍁 - do you think that you were born with your identity or has it "started" during your life?

🧸 - does your _type affect your diet?

🛍️ - do you have alterhuman friends? If yes, in real life or in the internet?

🍂 - what is your _type's natural territory/home?

😺 - is your _type an animal?

That's all byeeee :3

[meltedbluecaterpillar]

Yay..#hydration af 🔥🔥 I'm...having a smootie!

AHH...im so glad..I was shy to bring it up. I really wanna play the game bc usually when smth is a game first its better than the anime? (I think the game was first..) yea..I see all the content subbed bc the eng anime js..kills me. They sound uncannily like teenage white boys that all have mushroom hair and wanna hit ..

Ahh? You write? Smirk???

From what I know it really is just dark fantasy. Like..what dark vampire content HASNT been considered problematic? Even like. Twilight LOL.

Hhhh i don't know his lore..Laito where are you..Laito...Id giggle at a crossover. Laito looks like a Trey Cater with the Ace mindset. And Kanato,,I love him he's a sweety. A little loco but he's so sweettieee..I..only know the brothers..and the mom. That is my last memory of dialovers..was the mom?.. - 🐍

Hello Viper, I’m excited about your smoothie! Yesterday I had a veggie one. I don’t eat vegetables… I usually drink them.

No need to be shy. I am… A lifeless dork. A shut in. So, I know about a lot of animanga related things. Otome especially. The anime was horrible, but I love the music they used. I used to sing along with the opening of the first season. The game is phenomenal. Again, a bit problematic because it’s… Mildly sexist. I actually like The Great Ayato and his bullying… I’m sorry my breasts are tiny… I’ll pray for them to grow so you’ll be happy my lord… Ahem… The English voice acting is horrible. I watched it only in Japanese because I couldn’t stand how lifeless they sounded in English. To my knowledge, and I may be wrong, the game is fully voice acted. You just need a translator.

I do secretly write for DiaLove. I was planning to only post it on Wattpad. I wanted to make a big story called ‘Juice Box’ but I never figured out who I wanted to be the main interest. Since the anime follows Ayato’s storyline heavily, it didn’t feel fair to the other potential routes. But I do sometimes write little oneshots. I just never post them since DiaLove is so niche now. I hope it stays niche. If TikTok discovered it and some of my other favorite games I would rip my heart from my chest and cannibalize myself.

I actually like Twilight a lot. I have a friend who owns the books and I want to finish reading soon. I watched the movies! I say problematic because the boys are pretty sexist and there is a lot of nonconsensual harassment and touching. Also the neck biting scenes are very intimate and have been suggested to be an allegory for sex depending on the scene. Again, usually nonconsensual because Yui/MC has no backbone. There’s also the Mukami brothers + Shin and Carla but usually I focus on the Sakami family… Ahhhhh but no one will stop me from moaning about Yuma. I want to be his stupid sow… I don’t mind… Treat me like livestock and feed me sugar cubes… Ahhhh his abuse feels so good~ Ah- I mean… I don’t condone this stuff outside of fantasy. But USA Nintendo doesn’t want their image ruined by horny vampires.

There are… I think… Three moms? Karl had a few wives, some at the same time cause he’s freaky as hell. One of them actually… The reason Laito acts the way he does… His mom was doing things with him that she shouldn’t. And she does not feel bad about it. But she dies so… We win… Sorta… I love Kanato’s bad ending he’s so odd and sweet at the same time. The game is just one giant rollercoaster of ‘please don’t let me die here I forgot to save again’ and ‘oh the moaning sounds are making me excited…’

I apologize for rambling… I really do love Diabolik Lovers. And because I discovered it at an impressionable age… I’ve turned into a SadoMas. Please tell me… Who your favorite is when you start getting into it… Naturally, The Great Ayato is mine because we act the same and share a birthday… But I want to kiss many of the characters… Ahhhh… Save me…

[perplexedhedgehog]

I was just thinking last night how my ex once asked me when we were together “You really aren’t jealous, are you?” and I was thinking about it and like, in a way he’s right, I wasn’t jealous with either of my exes, I’m not a jealous girlfriend. But damn am I a jealous friend. Insecurity to the roof. I’m that bitch who’ll be like “So I saw your snapchats, looked like a pretty lit night lol, just wondering how come you never invite me out with you, you whore. JK lol I kid, I kid. But seriously, is it something about me or”

[hunters-souls]

I've had a pretty "atypical" experience on T (5+ years) and only seen maybe 2 or 3 people go through similar experiences...

I started at 21, I am 27 now. My levels are fine.

What I expected;

Everything they tell you is gna happen lol, body hair, greasiness level, voice breaking. I thought I'd probably have a decent coverage of facial and body hair at about 2-3 years, because I have mediterranean heritage.

What actually happened;

Voice drop twice, first to comfortably male levels at around 8 months, then again about 2 years later after some voice training.

Nearly zero body hair. Maybe my arms and legs got slightly hairier, but I have no hair on my stomach, back, shoulders, really none. At 4 years (post top), 3 weeks of no shaving gives a grey dustiness on my upper lip and chin. That is literally it.

My face changed very little.

Fat redistributon negligible, but I've always been quite slim. I still have a very defined waist and a bit of fat around the hips and a fat ass. Fortunately my biker thighs just make the ass look like it's the product of working out. Packing on muscle is a lot easier, but I'm by no means ripped, just regular, and clothes fit me better in the shoulders.

Went from Uberserious sigma hikikomoricel to that guy at the office that says "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?". Pre T me would have absolutely fucking hated present me. Not sure if T, or age, or a cycle of both, but I talk to everyone now and I'm a lot goofier. Still really socially anxious but I let go of OCD spirals a lot quicker than I used to.

I also wake up full of energy. I don't drink coffee, because I'm usually far too awake and don't need the help. Before T I was a permaexhausted slug who slept 12 hours a night.

I still cry lmfao. Not that often and not when I want to but on the scale of crier to drywall puncher I was definitely always on the latter end.

My tolerance of alc and caf went way down lmfao increase who

I'm not sweaty but body odour definitely smells stronger. I stopped tolerating red meat the summer I started T as well.

I was always pretty actively attracted to people but I always laughed at simps pre T. I was simply above all that, as an educated professional with several highbrow hobbies and interests. Well,,, I'm not condoning thirsty behaviour but let's just say I have been violently humbled in the last few years. I will see 1 attractive man and I become like a special kind of stupid I've only ever seen guys be all of a sudden. It never happened for women - I kept expecting it to.

I also got more comfortable both with more "masculine" hobbies (guns, weightlifting, my motorcycle, my taste in music got way heavier but that might be age) and makeup/dressing nice. Still don't like dresses and skirts and pink, because I never will, but I have long hair now and probably look more feminine visually than I did when I started. LMAO

My life's not really about gender any more, but honestly the first 3-4 years were difficult. I guess I thought that since I was changing my gender, I could change other aspects of myself that i was finding annoying or inconvenient. There are things that are much more inherent to one's personality than gender, and I've definitely not ended up looking or being at all like what I thought I'd be...I became much more myself.

someone should get a load of people on testosterone to collectively write a "what I expected / what actually happened" re: various effects of T, i think it would be interesting

[namtanlovesfilm]

im going to be forever bitter about sean never apologizing to white for chocking him lmao, buying a drink for someone is not an apology, and sean can actually apologize, he said sorry to yok two times one when his mom lost her job and the other after they had their fight in ep 10, i know he suffered a lot and white lied to him too, and i also know white wasnt even mad about that but yeah he should have actually apologized for that lol sorry for the rant

hm... personally I don't condone violence at all & I usually HATE when screenwriters make mlm couples punch each other just bc they think it's okay bc it's two men. that being said I thought that the scene where sean hits and chokes white was really in character & showed the seriousness of the situation. white's betrayal was incredibly frustrating & hurtful to sean, and I frankly would've been more shocked if he DIDN'T hurt him in retribution. and even if it all ended up working in the end, white was still wrong for that. that being said, yeah, if it was real life, let's be honest one hit the other & the other lied to him for months so it's not like seanwhite wouldn't be a walking red flag lmao. but I think that sean does make up for that violent moment in the long run, and in a way, him getting beaten up by black was sort of retribution for that. so yeah apologies would've been nice, but frankly even without it doesn't change much for me.

xxx

[hyukmoon]

moon. | l.sy x gn!reader

lee sangyeon x gn!reader

word count: about 4.01k

to put it short: congrats! Something you should actually say, right? Your best friend and crush is getting married in two days and you feel,... well, not very good about it. So, wait... he's returning the feelings? Damn.

content warning: ANGST in capital letters, I would add lots of exclamation points but im lazy. So yeah, hella angsty. Some good old making out, it's kind of heavy at some point but no smut at this point lol. I don't condone any of the done actions, so yeah, I would've personally handled everything differently, but you know, y/n is kinda wild. Very awkward sometimes, but that's more the situation in itself. ALSO, NOT PROOFREAD

taglist: @loki-in-hogwarts

note: the second thing i wrote and im somewhat excited!!! Yes! Exclamation points. So,... thanks for reading :)

It was a great day. Well, at least seemingly for everyone but you. Your best friend in this world Sangyeon was about to get married to the love of his life, who is notyou and now you just stand in the hotel lobby waiting for it to happen. Funnily enough, the crushing feeling of desperation and fear didn’t seem to set in yet.

The hotel lobby was filled to the brim with acquaintances and other guests possibly confused by the uproar of the wedding guests. So, who were you specifically waiting for? The rest of your friend group, the ones who will most likely clean up after the wedding whatever will be left of you.

A nervous smile swept up to your lips, casually just avoiding every sort of tension that could come across you. Just with the luck of this entire occurrence an older woman started to approach you, demon alike features spreading around her face almost like she knew you were apparently the only single person here. An aunty, that wasn’t even related to you but had all the business to judge.

“Are you here for the bride or the groom?”, her sweet voice rang a familiar feeling in your stomach. Almost too sweet, making you suspicious of her intent. “I’m here for my best friend, Sangyeon. So, yeah, for the groom.”, you hesitated a second, “What about you though? Do you know the bride?”

“She’s my youngest niece, the only one that still visits, her sisters don’t even care anymore…” You nodded politely, not wanting to anger her now and stepped towards a different direction.

“So, my dear, are you here with anybody?” You already feared that question, the same as always. The eyes of yours started with a panicked expression searching through the room a familiar pair. “No, I am here on my own. I kinda wanted to focus on getting Sangyeon through with it, being there for him.” As a friend.

Possibly this was the first part of feeling despair and fear. People at this wedding were really waiting for them to get married. They weren’t joking, this would change everything.

“Ah, I see. You know, get over him. Well, it is time for you at least, you’re not getting younger. There are quite few handsome men here. I remember the names Juyeon and ah yes! Kevin, get over here!” As far as you were concerned, your facial expression couldn’t possibly look more stunned than a moment ago, yet another one of your good friends appeared, seemingly just as confused.

This only held on for a good second, Kevin knew exactly what to do. “Oh hi, I’m so sorry to steal [Y/N] away from you, but I actually need to talk to them on my own over a gift we both prepared for the couple!”, he grinned at the lady, who was obviously smitten with him. “Yes, of course, hun. Take your time.” She finally hushed into a separate direction.

“So, how are we doing? You seem kinda… stressed.”

“You don’t say”, you sighed, “if I have to go through a conversation like this again today, believe me I’ll-. “

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I get the sentiment. Even though I meant more the other situation. Like in, Sangyeon getting married and you sitting here all grumpy because of it.”, Kevin was already aware of your “small” infatuation with your best friend, a man too far out of your reach also funnily enough, the man’s wedding you’re attending. However, your friend in front of you didn’t seem to mind talking about it out loud in a place like the hotel lobby. Your lips tightened up into a fine line.

“I’m not grumpy! I just…I don’t really know what to do. I mean, I know I’m going to be there for him but yeah, okay, I might feel a bit grumpy.” The lobby did clear up a lot now.

“Okay, oof. There’s this dinner with everyone in the evening today, do you think you can get through that?”, Kevin asked hesitantly just as stressed with this additional complication.

“I mean, I probably have to, don’t I? This makes me so sick, ugh. Not gonna lie, my stomach feels like a laundry machine.” You laughed quietly and drifted off again into a place where you didn’t need to think about this.

“What did you really expect though? You know I love you, respectfully, but like, this feels like an incredibly bad move to do.”

“Don’t you think it would be worse if I didn’t show up at all? I’ll just need to go through this weekend and I’m outta here. No one will know anything.” It might feel like a nightmare but at least a nightmare you can actually run away from and not actually have to face at some point.

“Well, I hope you’ll keep your confidence. Because imagine I saw the person, I love getting married to someone else. Oh my, believe me, you wouldn’t find me for the next three weeks.”

“Not very helpful, a good three out of ten. I guess, I’ll just stick to sulking around then.” A dead smile crept up your lips following a stern look from your side at your opposite.

“Seems like a good plan, just stick to me, maybe we will find someone to take your attention away from this, huh?” A sly grin was visible on Kev’s face.

“Ughhh, of course. Let’s do this. It can’t get much worse than that”, you cleared your throat, “thanks, though. You actually make this here somewhat bearable.”

“Awww, come on. We should pack out our suitcases.”

No one can really prepare someone for a moment like this. Most older folk turned into their hotel rooms which left you in a party like situation seeing your closest friends turning it up in a huge pavilion while the future groom sits comfortably on a velvety sofa hand in hand with his fiancée.

The air was quite warm even at this time of the evening, not humid, just warm enough for everyone to taste the end of this era with nostalgia and a slight feeling of energy to experience what’s to come afterwards.

You as well sat down, continuously processing your environment. With a cup of your favorite drink, you felt invincible, nothing able to shake you down.

Now while this wasn’t a preferred environment, this was manageable; you could look your best friend into his eyes and proudly congratulate him on his wedding. You would be able to get over this and continue to be a great friend. Black hair with an intense facial expression made its way into your viewpoint along with a somewhat tipsy Kevin. Simultaneously the lighter hair of your best friend fought his way through the crowd.

Lee Sangyeon, the man lighting up your mood with simple touch of his fingertips was now signalizing for you to head outside towards the veranda of the pavilion. He exuded patience, yet clearly waiting for a response of you. You nodded and brushed cautiously over your evening attire.

“Hii, [Y/N]! Can I introduce this someone to you? This is Juyeon, he might look a bit intense, but he’s really nice to talk to! So, I’m gone for a sec then!” Kevin started drifting off into a different direction where you stopped him in his tracks.

“Could this wait? Sangyeon needs to talk to me. I think it’s important, I’ll come back though in a bit!” You gifted both of them an apologetic face and made your way around the men towards the going to be groom.

Surely it wasn’t exactly clear why he wanted to speak to you, especially on his own. He was still waiting for you after all.

“[Y/N]! What has it been? Like three? Four months? I missed you so much.”, Sangyeon pulled you into his chest abruptly and sighed softly into your shoulder. Engulfed entirely in his figure you never wanted to wake up from this again. Was it now 10 seconds? 15 seconds? Neither he nor you really seemed to let go, taking in all the scents of his that were formerly familiar to you.

“Yeah, I think so. You were probably busy planning this all and I just had to work, I guess.” Trying to keep it short was your main goal, appearing distant maybe. He didn’t mind at all though. Not discouraged from continuing this conversation Sangyeon pointed at the veranda, showing the only speck of space with little to no crowd.

The veranda was close to closed off to the party. Non distinguishable palm trees in the far distance were playing right into your cards for not having to look into his eyes. Magnetically glowing, that’s how he appeared. All happy and smiley about the obvious luck he was experiencing. Now again, he sat down with you in the beach chairs without loosing a word.

“The palm trees are so pretty. You remember me wanting to buy some new plants?”, you tried to invite him to the conversation.

“You always want to buy new plants, which time do you mean?” Sangyeon grinned to himself. “You know what? It’s so weird. Everything feels still so unreal. This wedding, also you at my wedding… So weird.”

“I am literally your best friend, where else should I be? Your funeral? At home? Who else is going to charm the hotel staff for some free capri suns and new towels?” Your mouth crinkled up and you let out a soft laugh.

“[Y/N] … You know exactly what I mean!”

“Noo, not at all. I’m so confused right now, not gonna lie.” Your face finally moved towards his direction, seeing his gentle gaze resting on you.

“Do you remember when we were still in school, and we promised each other we would marry each other if we didn’t find anybody else?” His gaze got more intense with each sentence.

“Yeahh, kind of. I was probably tired and it’s like ten years ago. I’m not really sure what you’re trying to tell me.”

“I really thought I was going to marry you. For several years, actually.”, he laughed. “I had such a crush on you and then you met your s/o and all that. Ughh, it seemed so complicated back then. Kind of weird to think about what could have happened if I did ask you out or something.”

“True.”, you turned away again standing up and resting against the wooden railing of the pavilion. “But you didn’t so, let’s just drop it there.” The weather as well started rebelling a bit, the wind hugging your figure slightly too tight for your taste.

“Why are you so cold all of a sudden?”, he whispered closely behind you.

“Well, you’re getting married tomorrow. And you’re telling me about a crush you had on me?”, you croaked.

“I was just being nostalgic, I thought this would be fine with you.” Sangyeon appeared now next to you on the railing, waiting for you to face his concerned dark eyes.

“It isn’t for me. It just feels wrong.”

“What feels so wrong about it? It was a long time ago.”

It is here, the bitterness. Bitterness shouldn’t even be the correct term, the pain of your heart going into a slump didn’t feel like a fitting word. Being reminded again that you will never have a chance again.

“Wait or is it not a long time ago for you?”, The voice of his tried to word his next sentence very carefully.

“I went out with them because I thought you were joking. Then when I thought about you, it was always different. It was too late though, you met her.” Only the close ocean along with the wind were hearable, neither you nor he were able to form another thought put into a sentence.

“You could’ve told me. I would’ve-.”

“Broken up with her?”

“No, I-.”

“Then what could you have done?”, you interrupted Sangyeon’s rambling, trembling while speaking. Terribly spiteful with a bite that wasn’t too often dripping down your lips.

“This.” Sangyeon pressed a fluttery kiss against your lips. Slender fingers tapped onto the skin right under your chin, signalizing you to look at him.

The now much calmer atmosphere made you snake your arms around his torso. Heat rose towards your head, longing after a second out in the cold again just to see his lovely facial expression. Your lips broke off and touched once more in an almost hypnotic fashion.

His hot breath started sliding downwards your cheek to your neck, physically making you unable to resist his entrancing presence. Also his hands broached over from your face down to your waist, holding you with the lightest touch.

Sangyeon’s lips darted away from yours, catching you staring deeply into his eyes. The silence felt warm now as well, filled with the slow and recovering breath of the participants.

“[Y/N], I think I still feel that way.”, a rosy blush swept over the man’s face you wanted to hear say these things so many times and so long ago.

“No. No. No. You shouldn’t! I shouldn’t either! I have to go.” The reality of the situation caught up to you. This was bad. Incredibly bad. Still the disgusting feeling of hope within this made its way up to your head. Stinging alongside the feeling of remorse, you didn’t think clearly, especially now, next to him.

You darted in the fastest way possible from the pavilion up to the hotel to your room, leaving him there.

Today should be the final day. The hopes that already should have been buried a long time ago, crawled up again and clawed its way into your mind. What if he leaves her for you today? Like in those unrealistic rom coms. Yes, again, it was unrealistic.

Leaving her at the altar and running after you. While all those thoughts of hope and wishes came together you found yourself with a stomachache. His fiancée was an incredibly nice person, sweet and kind along with being a beauty. You shouldn’t even dare to think about Sangyeon that way anymore, she deserved a lot more. Quite honestly, you felt pathetic. Who were you to run into their possible future?

Just because of a simple brush over the lips, his eyes staring into yours like no one else existed but you and his soft hands delicately touching your waist. A tap on your shoulder put you out of your trance, “[Y/N]? Can you go up to Sangyeon’s room? He asked for you.” Kevin’s eyes glanced at you with uncertainty. Neither you nor he knew why he wanted to see you.

Even more importantly, why did he need to see you alone? This seemed like dangerous territory after, basically yesterday. Agony rose again, what if he really was going to leave her?

“Sure, I don’t know why he wants to see me again though.”, you said and left to see the groom’s room. You stumbled more and more over every step closer to the door of the man who’s going to rip your heart and air out of your lungs. The normally soft laid out carpet felt in this moment like you were stepping barefoot over glass. There was the door, brightly painted in eggshell paired with the digits of the hotel room.

Before you could reach the door to knock on it, light brown waves greeted your overtly surprised face.

“You clean up well.”, Sangyeon’s rang in your ears clearer than freshly hung-up laundry in your nose. His previously concerned face curled up into a faint smile.

“Same goes for you”, you tried your best to hide the very apparent frog in your throat, “So, why do you need me?”

“Just needed to see you before going out there, I guess.”, his voice got a lot quieter. It got silent.

Not sure if a said word was necessary, you plopped down on a small, velvety stool. Every whisper was to be heard. An otherness surrounded Sangyeon, like he wasn’t there anymore, and his thoughts took over his being. You scooted closer towards him, just wanting to see him up close for the last time like this, smelling his earthy cologne from this distance.

“Why are you doing this to me?”, your voice went close to hoarse after the question. He was just as silent as before. No sound, nothing. This torment of a weekend was supposed to end with no gratification, not feeling free from this feeling on your chest? Your hand slid over his, the most desperate attempt to get his attention while also experiencing his touch again. Sangyeon jerked his hand back and returned to his absent posture.

“Why do you want to hurt me like this? I am your best friend, and you use me like I’m nothing.” The lack of power you had now made you sink down to the beige teddy carpet. Small tears started swelling up in your nearly dry eyes, kind of contradictory, yet the more tear drops rolled down your cheeks the rottener and hollow you felt.

“You were my best friend until you-.”, he stopped midsentence, “made me feel things again I didn’t need, I didn’t want.” Also his face was wet, ridden with tears making his usually calm and cheerful persona look like a painful insult.

“You asked me here. It hurts, Sangyeon. I can’t make it stop hurting, I don’t know what to do”, you reached for him again, “Could I ever be enough for you?” He returned your former attempts to stroke your face. Cornering both of you, the air trapped you in the toxins of heartbreak and hopelessness.

Once again, Sangyeon’s hand glid over your soft skin and halted on your face. Glaringly staring into each other’s eyes, you were there again. The day before, yesterday. Close to baring the soul of each person present.

“[Y/N], it’s not about being enough. It never has been. I have made a commitment I already broke, I…I can’t do this”, he sighed, “you know I love her.”

“I thought you loved me as well.” Overwhelming nothingness overruled you, almost scaring you about this reaction. You weren’t crying, yelling nor having any physical reaction at all. It was convincingly numb; the resting hurt would come later. Sangyeon’s head dropped in the dip of your shoulder and neck.

This sort of closeness would never happen again. You feeling him breathing into you while having his comforting heartbeat close to yours.

“I do, but I can’t do this to her. I would never do this to her.”, he whispered into your shoulder. A sigh came from his side.

“Then, please. Kiss me, for the last time.” The last part of the sentence left a disgustingly bitter taste in your mouth. This was over, right? His head, which was formerly resting on your shoulder, drifted up and towards yours. Also his expression blank and hollow, like he didn’t know anything.

For the last time, his hands cupped your face in a comfortable manner. As always, he felt homely, but he surely wasn’t yours ever. Not even waiting a good second or two, the light brunette’s face came closer to yours. With no hesitation both of your lips touched tenderly, releasing every sort of affection that could be expressed at that second. You inhaled again his intoxicating scent, in the hopes of having him all over you. His now reddened lips moved closer towards your jawline making you gasp for air.

Also, you weren’t completely still, constantly shifting your hands up and down over his torso upwards his neck, desperately feeling everything, you can for the last time. Sangyeon’s locks tickled you softly while he suddenly latched his mouth onto your neck right below your ear.

“No. Please, I just want a kiss on my lips.”, you said lowly, closely resembling a whine afterwards. He complied pretty quickly, leaving you with no thought but him tickling your bottom lip with his warm tongue. With him being this fast, you didn’t want to keep him on his toes. Entirely engaged in this moment, hands surprised you again on your waist, wandering closer and closer under the blouse you were wearing. You moaned into the kiss, making him take the opportunity to maneuver his tongue into your mouth.

Similarly to you, he was also stunned for a short moment when you grabbed up onto some strands of hair. A sigh left his now plump lips, a need of fresh air arrived onto both of you. Yet this was short lived, his hands captured your chin and attached his lips again onto yours in a matter of mere seconds. A bell rang, close footsteps to be heard across the floor reminding you of the situation you were in.

“Why am doing this? I am so sorry.”, you broke off his lips and took a step backwards at the door.

“[Y/N], we both did this, and it won’t happen again. We just need some time without each other. I think it would be for the best if we don’t spend time together alone anymore.”

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing? I don’t know what to say. I-.”, His lips captured yours again fast with a lot more force behind his kiss.

A strong arm shut the about to be opened door again and hovered over your head. The other one caught grabbed your chin with an almost contradictory feeling to it, the lightest touch just to shove you into his direction. You sighed into his lips, waiting for him to commit with his tongue one more time. Buttery lips pressed against yours and clang inside your mouth. Fiercely did your tongues meet, ending with him sucking on yours. Wet cheeks batting against each other with no intent of separating, your movement still came to a halt.

“You know what? I hate this. I want you to be happy, then if it is with her, I will just y’know…go or uhm mind my business.”, you slurred the last part. It wasn’t really one of your most prideful moments. Still flushed with tears and embarrassment you dropped again against the room door.

“I ask for one condition though,” incredibly hearse was your voice after the crying and even more so because of your follow up, “I do not not want to see you for some time, I don’t want to have to see your face ever again.” Tears weren’t anymore swelling up in your eyes, they never seemed to stop running down with no chance of leaving this conversation with an ounce of self-respect and pride.

It wasn’t even really much of a problem to leave him behind for a bit, it most likely would be for the best anyway, yet while his words should only leave a small mark and feel like a ripped off band aid, you felt alone. A sense of loneliness crept stealthily into you leaving you with nothing but a severe feeling of dread.

“If that is what you want, I’ll respect that.” The room got quieter till you heard the last of his words: “Of course, I still want you in on my wedding though, you’re still my best friend.” Sangyeon’s usual soft and kind smile appeared on his face, seemingly reaching you an olive branch. The former assertiveness and confidence drained through the conversation; you were nothing but a wreck.

“Alright, I’ll be there.”

The ceremony was beautiful. Fairy like flowers were hung all across the beach space, making the place more surreal than it was to begin with. Everything light with a hint of light green and an even lighter lavender tone. The air seemed to have evaporated all the tension and sadness from your face. All across the seats were relatives and friends sitting with a nervously happy face. Ironically, he really thought it was going to be you someday.

“You’re [Y/N], right? Everyone always tried to introduce me to you. Now we’re sitting next to each other at Sangyeon’s wedding together! I’m Juyeon by the way.”

[abigail-nicole]

Chainsaw Man Ep 7 - watch thread

#chainsawman Ep 7 - strong tw underage grooming, VOMIT lol if ever vomit needed a tw it's for this fucking episode, undertones pf veers into date rape territory & the usual tw for extreme violence that’s really more feature than bug for csm. is this also going to be two parts? maybe

This covers a couple of different chapters of the manga and there's a tone shift (which signifies where the manga chapter split up). I believe it's 18/19 if you're keeping up. I personally only started reading the manga after episode 6 because it got me clown face emoji!!!! Anyway I will keep these recaps SPOILER FREE from the manga perspective. I may comment on "this does relate to the overall themes of the series" but not tell you any specifics of what happens.

anyway let's get into BLOOD and then OUT FOR DRINKS that is ep 7:

Building tension is more narratively important than resolving that tension. That’s why, once Denji realizes he can keep feeding from the devil as he’s killing it, we don’t need to see more of that battle.

the "I'm a fucking perpetual motion machine!" is a moment of real triumph because that's all we, the viewers, need to know that This Is Over And Denji Is Winning

the Etetnity Devil KNOWS POCHITA FROM BEFORE, says THIS — that’s the important moment, narratively, from this battle

WHAT WERE YOU BEFORE, POCHITA? HOW DO OTHER DEVILS KNOW YOU, CHAINSAW DEVIL?? WHY ARE THEY SCARED OF YOU?

the monologue from master here (coupled with this intense face scar) is so fucking good. The extended metaphor about having a screw loose IS IMPORTANT TO THE THEME OF THIS STORY YALL:

Also the mere fact that we get this flashback through Himeno's POV is a) giving us a Himeno characterization, namely that she is still afraid:

(this after master's line about "can't be unhinged without loosening the screws a bit every day" in regards to his heavy drinking, which is also a great fucking line)

and b) characterizing Denji through seeing how other people view him, which is UNHINGED! INSANE! SO CRAZY IT ACTUALLY MIGHT WORK! which is not a bad tagline for makima's entire approach to Denji and the Gun Devil lolololol. Because Denji, as a POV character, has all the self-awareness of a 16yo boy (haha which is none).

the battle doesn’t need to be on screen all three days when you can use VISUAL STORYTELLING

(i just love power wearing her shoes in bed like a fiend. ha, ha, plop)

and then, in thirty seconds, tension cut, Public Safety Devil Hunters out!

The Himeno/Aki "Arai and Kobeni feel guilty about trying to kill Denji. Didn't you try to kill him, too?" and Himeno's "Kids these days! So sensitive!" is both funny but also Aki has pointed out multiple times, even before this mission, that he would not hesitate to kill Denji and Power if he felt necessary to do so. I don't think he expects Himeno to actually feel guilty, but is just probing her for her feelings.

Spouse pointed out that Holding cigarettes with a hand cupped is how you smoke in the rain & Himeno is doing this because she’s used to things being splattered

Then of course the actual most important plot revelation this episode: 

Denji’s age reveal!!!!! 

WANNA TALK ABOUT GROOMING MAKIMA-SAN?

HIS IS YOUNG EVEN IN UNIVERSE. OTHER PUBLIC SAFETY DEVIL HUNTERS THINK HE’S YOUNG, REGARDLESS OF HOW VIEWERS SEE HIM.

And this CHANGES A LOT OF THINGS about this show!! For me, anyway, it did!!! Like! Denji is drawn like any anime protagonist, frankly, anime protagonists all look the age of anime protagonists so there is no visual indicator of how young he is UNTIL THIS. This throws all his earlier character arcs into SHARP,  SHARP relief. Like of course he is obsessed with touching boobs, he’s a sixteen year old boy. He barely has a prefrontal cortex. 

the narrative is not condoning his actions, we as viewers aren’t getting gratituous upskirt shots or boob focused shots like actual fanservice anime would do. This age reveal is bringing us, as viewers, into a world with frankly very realistic and unsexualized portrayals of female characters. The animation and rest of the story has NEVER been on Denji’s Touch Boobs level, and even goes as far as mocking him constantly by other characters in universe. 

And I would also argue that the way you can take advantage of horny 16yo boys because they won’t say no to any sex act is a HUGE part of his arc. Because now we and his coworkers have to contend with Denji’s immaturity as a literal teenage boy. 

Also Himeno saying this, when she later kisses Denji in an extremely unfortunate way,  takes Denji home without his consent, and then OFFERS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM like Himeno. 

So here we have the question: Does this make her a bad character? 

and here’s the beauty of CSM: it DOES NOT CARE if this makes her good or bad. We’ve gotten intimate portrayals of Himeno, both good and bad, showing her possessiveness over Aki who barely seems to return her affections (but who knows with Aki), her helping Denji by pulling his chainsaw string during that fight, maybe saving his life, but also she tried to kill him, and also only decided to save him when she decided it was in her self-intrerest to do so. 

In fact, you could ask: does anyone in chainsaw man do anything that doesn’t serve their own self-interest? And the only answer is maybe Denji. Aside from helping Power save Meowy (you could argue he did it for the boobs), he saves multiple bystanders while fighting devils, and that one guy in a car he didn’t save when the bat devil taunted him for saving innocent people is our example that proves the point. Or is it????? Does anyone in chainsaw man perform any action that doesn’t directly benefit them? Let’s continue that thought later. 

let’s instead talk about Denji’s Horny Is Makima Watching? First Kiss: 

 kinky. But I’m not mad at it (yet). Not actually mad about making out with someone while the person you actually care about watches. I am mad about The Vomit Kiss, however: 

So I’m thirty, and I’m a surgeon, and I handle combined blood and feces together on the reg, and my disgust tolerance is extremely high, and THIS HITS IT. So I am not going to actually examine this in the depth that I usually would, because…..I  do not want to. But suffice it to say that: art is something that elicits an emotion from you, and disgust is an emotion,  and the disgust and shame and pity elicited by this scene fucking WORKS. 

i know viewers see this as sad/hilarious (& it is) but narratively they are going with ACTUALLY TRAUMATIC TO DENJI, because we immediately get a Pochita flashback, and Pochita flashbacks only happen when we're getting moments of Purity and Innocence:

and then a smash cut to Denji throwing up on the toilet while Arai (god bless) helps him and rubs his back. This is a sixteen year old whose first kiss was someone vomiting into his mouth. Like, immediately. And that’s pretty fucking tragic. He then gets taken home by Himeno, against his knowledge, in a scene that veers pretty sharply into date rape territory, though tbd if they’ll actually follow through on the sex (especially since they've now rammed home that it's SEX WITH A MINOR, which still matters in this universe, as evidenced by coworker reactions to his age). 

It will be interesting to see what Denji’s line is when it comes to Horny Sixteen Year Old Boy versus Someone Who Wants Meaningful Experiences with Makima. Hoooo boy. Episode 8, bring it on. 

For episode 7 bespoke credits we get this lovely sexy/gross vaporwave sequence. s/o to MAPPA (& their terrible working conditions) who as always throw their senior class ass-first into the animation meatgrinder and produce michelin star animation for Chainsaw Man from their animators’ dead bodies. 

[artificialqueens]

Afterthought (Adorney) - Grinder

AN: Hi, so, first off; a disclaimer! This fic is heavily inspired by an episode of Inside No 9 (never heard of it? No one has lol). I just thought it fit right with the vibe I'm trying to create within these songfics. So this is the 3rd entry into my Joji inspired songfic collection. It's short this time, not like Gimme Love.

I recommend reading this, then when you get to the end, go back and read it again. You might notice you missed some things *wink*

Major Trigger warnings: mental health, depression, death mentions, dementia

I never actually wanted to go to the New Years party. It was fancy dress - a concept I had never thought was possible for a New Years event.

And the only reason I was there in the first place was the record deal.

"Rodney Sin is gonna be there. We can play some of the older stuff from high school; Princess Cut, Whole 9 Yards, Adam's Apple, you know? I mean, how is he gonna know it's like 5 years old?" Malcolm had paced back and forth, speaking more to himself before addressing me. "Anyway, it's a costume party… Don't sulk at me like that. I need you to doll yourself up. Make him think you'll suck his dick for this deal…Girl, you're not actually going to suck his dick. Don't worry."

He wasn't wrong. I wasn't sucking anyone's dick no matter how much I wanted this to work.

My idea of 'dolled up' was to dress as a zombie. Not a sexy zombie (although I liked to think of myself as naturally sexy), but just…a zombie.

"You're not gonna show off a little skin?" Malcolm sized me up before we left for the van.

I pointed out the small amount of exposed midriff, my ankles (semi-exposed with the fishnet), and my long arms. "It's about the music, Mal'."

He nodded. "You win."

We thought the party would be in a bar…or an expensive house…

It was in an apartment.

"Think we need a new manager," Spicy whispered in my ear before going to tune her guitar.

We did need a new manager. But Malcolm was my best friend. How the fuck was I supposed to fire him?

Everyone tried to tell me that professional and personal relationships didn't mesh well. I always nodded my head and said, "Yeah, I agree." Then I'd instantly realise I was lying.

And now, as much as I loved that bitch, I kind of regretted not taking anyone seriously.

But back to this party. It was claustrophobic in that place, the air was hot and damp, and the smell of stale beer turned my stomach. But despite all that, we played a damn good set.

Before the band started playing, Malcolm pointed out Rodney Sin, and I kept my eye on him all night. He was easy to pick out from the crowd, dressed up as Bob Ross. Who didn't want Bob fucking Ross at their party?

Rodney Sin, despite the choice of dressing up as the most wholesome being this world was ever blessed with, was so unlike Bob Ross. Bob Ross was the most heartwarming fucking person on this Earth, but I knew he'd take one look at Rodney Sin and say, "Now that is one sleazy son of a bitch. Let's beat the devil out of him."

He was on the couch almost the whole night, just watching, smoking blunts, drinking his beers, combing all the girls' hair who took turns sitting in his lap.

And even though I hated singing in the middle of this cramped ass apartment, giving him 'fuck me' eyes all night, the show was actually fucking cool.

And I really thought we had it in the bag.

And I thought we'd leave the party with a contract.

I left with a nurse instead.

Well…she was dressed as a nurse.

We didn't stop kissing until we were back in my own apartment. I struggled to open the door while my mouth was still on hers, but I got it unlocked eventually.

I pulled away from her for two seconds and almost fell into the place. I had too much to drink; I thought my cheap ass Christmas tree was an intruder.

Nurse girl laughed really hard at that. Usually, I would have blushed hard and told her to fuck off if she was going to laugh at me. But the alcohol made my insecurity disappear. When I say that, that's not me condoning the use of alcohol for confidence issues. Drink responsibly, please.

God, I'm so patronising sometimes…

The Nurse pulled me towards the couch, "Wow! I love this place," she said, taking in my apartment shrouded in darkness.

"Eh… you'll hate it when I turn the lights on," I glanced around at it myself. I liked the apartment. It was great by my standards. Mom always looked afraid to touch anything when she came around. Malcolm would complain there were no plants and that the "feng shui" was off.

"Let's just keep them off for now," Nurse said in her soft Australian accent. She lay down on the couch, her voice enough to make me melt.

I lay down with her, connecting our lips again. There was a chill in the air, but her body under mine was warming. She moaned into my mouth, wrapping her legs around my waist. And she giggled.

I pulled out of the kiss, joining in with her laughs, even if I didn't know what was funny.

"A zombie and a sexy doctor. The most bizarre pairing." Her thumb stroked that spot where my shoulder met my neck. It was nice.

"I thought you were a nurse," I didn't know why I felt the need to say that.

"Bit sexist," she continued stroking my skin.

I played it cool. "I bet there's zombie meets sexy doctor porn out there," I said.

"Should we contribute?"

I giggled. "Unfortunately, I'm about to bag a record deal. Gotta behave," I kissed her cheek, unaware of the phone call the next day, Malcolm telling me there would be no deal.

Nurse -actually, no, Doctor- adjusted on the couch. "What do you have to drink?"

I instantly got off her, feeling quite parched myself. "I got beer. Is that OK?"

"Perfect!" She sat up on the couch as I trudged my way to the fridge. The light inside blinded me, fucking up my already drunken vision.

"So, do you live alone then?" She asked.

"Yeah," I grabbed the first can. It was already open, so I put it back and grabbed another. It was untouched. Nice. "Just me, myself and I," I took another and closed the fridge door with my hip.

"I liked the music, by the way. I don't know if I said that already, but it was great," Doctor took the can from me as I sat next to her. We cracked them open simultaneously, foam spilling down the side of mine.

"You did say that," my green eyes flickered to hers, and then I took the first sip.

"Oh! Well, at least you know I'm telling the truth. I mean, I'm not usually a fan of that type of music. But I really liked it," She took a sip of her own.

I giggled as beer trickled down the corner of my mouth. I dabbed at it with my middle finger, "You said that too."

The darkness hid her blush. She looked down at the can in her hand. "Sorry, I didn't realise how drunk I am."

"Babe, it's New Years. Who isn't drunk?" I lifted the beer can again, taking a longer drink. None dribbled down my face this time. Swallowing, I spoke again, "Not gonna lie, I thought you were gonna go home with that John Lennon guy."

"He wasn't John Lennon. He was Harry Potter." The Doctor put her can on the coffee table.

"Round glasses. Same thing," I smirked, swirling my own can in hand.

"True," she shuffled closer to me, crossing her legs. "But nah, I wouldn't have gone home with him. He asked me if I wanted to see his wand." She buried the upper half of her face in her hand.

"And what did you say? You'd rather be eaten out by a zombie?" I couldn't resist it.

The Doctor threw herself at me, "You disgusting, cheesy, nasty…." I wasn't sure what she was trying to do; slap me? Cover my mouth? All I knew was her hands were getting grabby.

"Sorry, I had to," I struggled to get away from her hands, even though I didn't want to resist.

She stopped getting handsy, and I stopped struggling. My body was warmed by hers again, our faces inches apart. She closed the distance, pressing her lips to mine, and we kissed for another moment.

I expected to taste beer, but her lips were as sweet as the colour of lip gloss she wore.

Was I mad that we weren't immediately handed the contract? Fuck yes.

Was I made to feel better because I had this cute girl in my home? Fuck yes.

I pulled my lips away from hers, letting our foreheads remain connected. "My…" I started breathlessly, "My name's Adore, by the way."

The Doctor laughed, reaching over for her can.

"You know…uhhhh, if you're interested," I watched her take another drink, "You know…maybe in case…."

She put the can back on the table, turning a smirk to me. "I'm Cherish."

"Oh, for real?" I blinked, unsure of how to process a name like that. Then again, my name wasn't exactly normal.

She giggled again. "Nah, just making a stupid joke. It wasn't funny, I know. I'm just my own comedian."

Yeah, it wasn't that funny. But the fact that she was proud of herself made me laugh.

"I'm Courtney," she held her hand out. "Happy New Year."

I looked at her hand; the pastel pink nails were decorated with little syringe stickers. Even before I took it in mine, I knew she was a good hand shaker. That sounds ridiculous, right? We've all experienced awkward handshakes, and we've experienced great ones.

"Happy New Year, Courtney." I shook her hand.

"I hate to ruin the moment, but where's your bathroom?"

"Just down there at the end," I nodded to the left side of the room, where the small corridor led to the bathroom and two bedrooms.

"Right," she stood, "I'll be back. Don't worry. I'm not gonna try and sneak out the window or anything."

"You only climb out the window if you got a death wish," I added. Not sure why I even needed to say that. Maybe she wasn't a dark humour type of gal.

"BRB," she left me in the room alone. I watched to make sure she found the right door. The thought of her stumbling into my bedroom, seeing the absolute state it was in, was humiliating enough.

The couch would be fine for tonight. The bedroom another night…

That was assuming she'd want to see me again.

Before my mind could linger on the thought, the phone started ringing. I took the last gulp from my can, standing up and making my way toward my bookshelf, where the device pestered me with its shrilling sound.

As soon as I picked it up from the receiver, the screeching stopped, and I lifted it to my ear.

-_-_-_-

"Hello?" I put on my sweetest voice as I spoke into the receiver.

"Ugh, just the sound of your voice…makes me melty," Courtney spoke into the receiver, her voice huskier than usual.

"You like to repeat yourself a lot," I pointed out.

"I do, don't I? I sent you a Valentine's card. Did you get it?"

"The mail hasn't been delivered yet. Did you get mine?" I bit the top of my thumb, trying to contain my excitement.

"Probably. I've just got a whole pile of others to get through first," she teased.

"I'm so glad your comedy has improved," I stood by the window overlooking the street outside, fingers playing with the curtains. "So, what's the plan, fam'?"

"Well, I thought we could meet up sometime around 7. Romantic stroll, food, and then back to yours for sex. But it's up to you. Which do you want first?" The humour in her voice had me twirling my hair. Fuck, I literally turned into a teenage girl when I spoke to her.

"I'm not too fussed on the other options, but the last one…." I was back to biting my thumb.

Courtney was silent, "Is she going to be there?"

At the very mention, I looked into the kitchen where Joslyn sat at the breakfast bar, her back turned to me.

"I actually have no idea. I guess I could find out and get back to you," I lowered my tone, turning my back on my roommate.

"Oh, is she there right now?"

"Yep."

"OK, call me later."

"I will."

"Mwah."

"Bye."

I was the one to hang up, something Courtney commended me many a time for. 'Cause wasn't that the same for everyone? When no one could decide who should be the first to end the call, the awkward moments?

She always called me "a rare one". No one had ever referred to me as rare. I've gotten all of the following; dirty, scary, angry, not feminine enough, intimidating, a sket (I had to look that one up, it's British, apparently). There were a lot more.

Putting the phone back on the receiver, I made my way into the kitchen, "morning, Jossey," I sat on the other side of the island. She glanced away from her book, eyes glaring. She hated my nickname for her. Hated me even, which was a shame; I enjoyed having her around.

"Morning," she murmured, flicking her gaze back down to her book, letting me know she wasn't interested.

Don't get me wrong, Joslyn liked me at one stage. She only moved in the year before, and, in the beginning, it was fucking great. We used to go out every weekend and party hard. After too many shots, we'd hold each other's hair as we threw up; I'd big talk her to whichever boy she was making eyes at, and she'd tell everyone about my music.

Joslyn and I were pretty tight.

Then one day, after telling everyone we were "going away" for a whole day, we may have taken more than one tab of LSD each, and right after my peak…I don't know; I just kind of lashed out.

"The only reason you're living with me is 'cause I can't afford the rent 'cause Rodney fucking Sin is a cunt. You understand? You hold no real value to me other than that. So go fuck yourself!" Yeah, I really said that. Rodney didn't think we were good enough, and that really stung. She was the only one I felt like taking my anger out on.

Of course, I was just running my mouth, tripping fucking balls, but Joslyn never let it go. The partying stopped, which was probably a good thing 'cause she was a college student with aspirations higher than mine.

"So, any plans? Any dates tonight?" I leaned my elbows on the breakfast bar.

"For me, no," She flipped the page in her textbook, keeping her head down like she was trying to tell me to go away. "Just got back from a seminar an hour ago and - -"

"Ooh! The one with that girl…." I clicked my fingers, trying to remember for the life of me what the bitch was called. Joslyn used to rant to me so much about how this one girl in her class thought she was the shit.

"She wants to find a gateway to a parallel universe," Joslyn had told me one night. We lay under a dark blanket of stars in the soft grass of the park, sharing two joints. "She watches too much Doctor Who."

"A parallel universe?" I had giggled. "Like, did people laugh when she said it?"

"No. She's…pretty. Like big blonde hair pretty. Everyone was so encouraging to her." Joslyn had scoffed.

"OK…And what's her being pretty got to do with it?"

"Adore…being hot is a benefit. No one likes to admit it, but it's true. If I had said that, people would have laughed."

"But, you are hot, Jossey."

"Yeah, but she's blonde hot."

Of course, the stories of the girl stopped coming after I had my bad trip. But little moments like this, in which I struggled to remember her friggin' name, gave me some hope that she'd see how much I wanted her friendship back if I did remember.

"Brianna…" Joslyn answered for me.

"Yes, her!" I widened my eyes. "Hey, at least I remembered her. How is Miss Doctor Who bitch anyway?"

"She's fine." Joslyn pursed her lips. "She's really nice, to be honest."

Welp…there goes any more stories of hot blonde Doctor Who lady.

"I have another seminar later. So no Valentine's plans for me."

"Math?" I wasn't pretending to be interested. I genuinely gave a shit about her education. Another thing I liked about Joslyn was how ditsy she seemed and how it would show when we were in public. But her academic knowledge could blow your mind.

She nodded her head. "We've been doing continuous quantity."

"Uh-huh?" I nodded, unsure of what that actually was. Before I could ask her to elaborate, the mail was shoved through the letterbox. "Sounds super cool," I said, already forgetting what she said. I stood and went to grab the pile of letters that lay sprawled out on the floor. "And...complicated…"

"I mean…not really," Joslyn started as I rifled through the 5 letters, "I guess it depends on your approach to measurable magnitudes."

"Oh, party," I swear, I swear I did give a shit.

Joslyn must not have been convinced because she continued, "OK, so…like, you and Courtney have been dating for 13 months, right?"

"Uh, huh," I smiled when the red envelope was at the front of the pile.

"Which is one year and one month, OK?" Joslyn continued her rambling.

I opened the envelope, already excited for whatever message she put inside. Asides from handshakes, Courtney was also great at writing cards. She'd fill the whole thing with random thoughts, sweet words and cute drawings.

The front suggested it was handmade, which gave her more brownie points. It was simple; the background was white with a giant red heart in the middle and pink writing at the top. 'To my one and only….' Red stained my cheeks as I opened it.

"OK, so that is what's known as a portable vector…."

"The fuck?" I cut Joslyn off, my eyes taking in the message inside the card. I reread it. And then once more.

"What? I'm sorry, am I boring you with my number theory talk?"

"No, it's…." I closed the card, inspecting the front again. The hairs on my arms were beginning to rise. "I've… I've been sent a Valentine's Day card…." I turned and faced Joslyn as if she'd explain it to me.

She looked back at me as if I was on crack.

"I've been sent a Valentine's Day card from my ex-boyfriend." I glanced down at the card as I made my way back to the seat.

"Awww," Joslyn faked her smile, "I guess he still likes you."

"Yeah, but…" I put the card down on the island between us, "I haven't seen him since we were 12. Like…I don't even remember that much about him…."

Joslyn picked the card up, a sigh disguising a scoff as I further interrupted her studying. "Roses are red…Never have I ever…loved someone this much…be mine forever…." Her eyes met mine again, unsure of what to make of it.

"Yeah," I rubbed my goosebump covered arms, "He rhymed ever with ever…." I tried laughing.

"This is giving me Netflix You vibes." Joslyn put the card down, glancing at the door.

"How did he get my address?" I was speaking quieter.

"On that note," Joslyn closed her book shut and stood up from her chair. "I got that seminar."

Hell no. She was not leaving me alone here. "But…you said it was later."

"By later, I meant now," she packed her book into her bag and hurried to the door.

"B-But…" I tried.

She hesitated at the door before swinging it open quickly.

I flinched, waiting for the creepy card sender to pounce on her.

But that didn't happen. The coast was clear. Thank fuck.

She scoffed, putting a hand on the door frame. "I won't be back until 9 tonight. So you and Courtney have plenty of time to fuck." She said with a scoff.

"Oh, I…" I blushed, unsure of what to do with my emotions now. Joslyn left, pulling the door closed behind her.

Now that I was alone, it didn't exactly feel like that. The goosebumps on my arms were still standing stiff. I picked up the Valentine's Day card again; it felt gross just holding it.

And I grabbed the top, tearing the thing in half.

-_-_-_-

Courtney made her way through the small pile of photographs, giggling and cooing at whatever was printed. I prepared the tea tray in the kitchen, the room completely spotless. The whole apartment was spotless, which...I know; I should've been ashamed for not taking better care of it.

"Oh, Adore! Do you remember you used to always beg me to tie your hair up with those green ribbons?" Mom called out to me, sitting on the couch next to Courtney.

It was normal to feel embarrassed by your Mother exposing all your younger pictures to your significant other. Still, I wanted to crawl under a rock and for someone to stamp on it repeatedly.

I didn't answer, only did my best to laugh.

"Oh, wow, Adore!" Courtney gawped with amusement. My stomach was already twisting.

"Adore hates that one. But her little bottom was so cute!" Mom bubbled.

Fuck. The cursed bath picture from when I was a year old. I never thought this day would come, her showing it off to my significant other. I carried the tray into the main room like my life depended on it.

Courtney nodded in agreement, her smile wide as she moved her gaze to me. She turned the picture to me as if I hadn't seen it 100 times already. "You little cutie."

I took the picture from her hand and sat next to her. "You're both so embarrassing. I'm hiding this forever."

"You can't," Courtney whined. "It's adorable."

"It's my picture. I won't let you hide it on me, Adore." Mom scolded me. "Anyway, would I even be your Mom if I didn't embarrass you a little?"

She was right. I smirked. "Happy Mother's Day, Mom." She returned the smile, reaching over and squeezing my knee.

Courtney made another exciting noise at the following picture in the pile. "Oh, who's this handsome devil?"

I avoided looking at it, afraid of what it was.

Mom still smiled as Courtney showed the picture to her. But it curved almost, the corners wanting to drop down. Her eyes moved to her lap, closing her mouth and clearing her throat. "Uh, that…that was Adore's first boyfriend."

I played with the mug of tea in my hands and glanced at the picture with a wariness. I couldn't even remember what the kid looked like, but I also didn't really want to look. Speaking of which, why did Mom even have a picture of him anyway?

My eyes narrowed for only a moment as I sipped my tea.

"Poor guy, he…um…." Mom's eyes were still lowered for a moment when she lifted her green eyes to meet Courtney's blue ones, "he died when he was just 16."

My face shot up to look at my Mom again. My brows struggled not to furrow as I tried to maintain my neutral reaction.

But Courtney blinked. Then she looked at me with confusion. I could read her mind. Why hadn't I told her about that?

"He did?" I finally asked, taking the picture from Mom.

"Yes!" Mom answered as if it should have been a given, "He had…you know…" she then mouthed, "cancer." She nodded her head as if willing me to remember.

But I didn't remember. Like I told Joslyn so long ago, I barely remembered anything about the guy.

Was he even really dead? He did send me that Valentine's Day card. And surely Mom wouldn't have ever let me forget something like that.

I was scratching the back of my neck, feeling more like a dick for appearing so forgetful.

"God, Adore, you've got the memory of a goldfish," Mom sipped her tea, her smile returning, "but ever since she met you, Courtney, she's been doing a lot better for herself. Not focusing on the music as much. I mean, I'll be honest. When she told me she was seeing a woman, I was sort of shocked. She never liked girls as far as I knew anyway. But I'm so glad I'm finally meeting you. You seem like such a lovely young lady."

Courtney was the one blushing now, and I loved every second of it, seeing how bashful she could get.

"You're not like those unfriendly lesbians I see outside those bars…."

My eyes widened. "Mom!" She meant well, I swear to God. She was just…a little old fashioned.

Courtney didn't seem to mind, knowing Mom was stuck in what she knew, and the fact she even accepted that I was with another girl was enough.

"Are you planning to marry?" Mom asked a bit quieter, even though I was right there.

"Ummm…" Courtney looked at me and rubbed the back of her neck.

I felt just as under pressure.

"2 years is a long time to be dating." Mom continued. "I was married and pregnant by then." She was really pushing this.

"Mom?" I stopped her. "Times have changed since you were our age," I tried my best not to sound patronising, "We wanna live a little first. And I got my career to focus on." I sipped my tea.

"Career? Honey, you sing at a bar one night a week and work in that…rock and roll shop that smells funky," Mom said disappointedly.

"Thanks, Mom." I refused to look her in the eye.

"Look. Last year, your Daddy told me he'd love to walk you down the aisle. Don't you want to give him that opportunity? Before it's too late?" She looked away, a sad look in her eye.

She wasn't expecting me to answer. And I wasn't going to.

I just sipped the tea more, avoiding her eyes.

And Courtney and Mom sipped at their own drinks - sipping sounds were the only thing filling the silence.

"Gosh, I'd love some Oreos. Anyone else want some Oreos?" Courtney asked.

"Yes, please." Mom said graciously.

"I'm good," I answered.

And Courtney stood and hurried into the kitchen. When she rounded the corner, disappearing from view, my jaw clenched.

"Mom, can you fucking stop whatever you're doing?" I whispered and growled at the same time. I kept glancing at the kitchen, fearing Courtney would walk in on this.

"Look, honey. All I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with getting married!" She whisper-growled back.

"Mom, for fuck sake - -"

"All you young people look at us like we're too old school. Marriage is a beautiful thing. It's a commitment."

"Mom, she doesn't even live here. How is that a commitment??"

"Well, marriage would help start all that up!"

I couldn't believe her logic. I know I said she was just stuck in her ways, but this was too much. "Mom, just stop, please. We're never getting married…." I touched the back of my neck again, eyes trailing away from Mom, "And…I don't even know if she - -"

"Adore?"

Both our eyes shot to the kitchen.

-_-_-_-

Courtney came out of the kitchen, carrying a somewhat lighter cardboard box. "Where will I put my books?" She asked groggily. Her whole demeanour had changed since the day began. Carrying the first few boxes up, she giggled with excitement. Then as time went on, the smile only started to disappear.

Understandable. I was exhausted, and so was she. What we thought would take an hour actually took 4.

I didn't have an answer to her question. What was there to even say? The rest of the boxes were scattered everywhere, a lot of them stacked on top of each other.

"Ummm, just here," I turned, pointing to one pile in particular by the window.

Courtney didn't complain, only rushed to where I pointed and sat the box down carefully.

I glanced around the living room; nowhere to even sit with all of the boxes. "There's so many…." I said aloud, crossing my arms.

Turning away from the chaotic sight, I only noticed Courtney's face. There was that look in her eye like she was trying to appear normal, but inside she was panicking. "You're not…regretting this, are you?"

"What? No." I smiled. Of course, I wasn't having second thoughts, no matter how much room her stuff was taking up.

"You're not lying?"

"Well… Joslyn's gone. Someone has to help with the rent," I quipped, putting my hands on her dainty shoulders.

"Oh, that's how it is?" Courtney's eyes widened, yet all the worry from before disappeared.

I kissed her, my mouth smiling against hers. Knowing that this was going to be our lives now, it was just…it was just…fucking everything.

Courtney stopped kissing me, "Not gonna lie, I couldn't be arsed to unpack anything for the rest of the day."

I raised a brow. "Got something in mind?"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, so you can get your mind out of the gutter," She pointed, "I wanna chill out."

"We can chill out." I nodded. "Well, you can. I was actually gonna play some music. Nothing too loud." I glanced over her shoulder at my guitar, the thing collecting dust in the corner of the room. Surrounded by the cardboard boxes, it almost looked intimidated, backed up against the wall. I needed to save the fucker.

"You know what I want?" Courtney started. "Toast shoulders."

Those two words practically gave me goosebumps, "Fuck, it's been too long."

"Should I make some?"

"Yes!"

"OK. I'll make us toast soldiers. But only me. Remember last time?"

I sighed comically. "Listen, Malcolm told me you boiled the egg for 4 minutes. Blame him for it being undercooked."

Courtney giggled again. And I wanted to kiss her again. "Do you have eggs?"

Fuck. "No."

Courtney moved away from me, heading straight for the door. "I'll go grab some."

"Are you sure? I could go if you're tired."

"It's fine. The store's only across the street. I won't be long," Courtney slipped on her baby blue cardigan, blew a kiss to me and left the apartment.

How the fuck did I end up with a girl like her?

Before I even met Courtney, I thought I'd die alone. Or maybe I'd be with someone who seemed to fit perfectly next to me - a man just as sleazy as Rodney Sin, some 50-year-old pimp who wouldn't love me but only sought companionship.

This girl was something else, this bright ethereal ball of energy. And even though it had been years since we started this relationship, it still only felt like yesterday that I ran into her at that party. It's true when they say time flies when you're having fun.

I snapped out of a trance, realising I had just been staring at the closed door, smiling like an idiot. I glanced around the room, suddenly aware of how many boxes there were. Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but they seemed to bring darkness to the place.

I rubbed the back of my elbows, deciding to be a bit productive. I felt bad going through Courtney's shit, but the box of CDs caught my interest. Rifling through it, I found I didn't recognise most of these artists - whether that was because I had my own taste or she was a fan of more unheard of artists.

In particular, there was Nectar; the cover was a bit darker for someone like Courtney. It contrasted with the other CDs in the box, their colourful cover art. This one, however, was darker; The profile of a man staring right at me. Half his face was highlighted by red light, and the rest in shadow. I guessed he was the artist. There was no name, just the album title.

Checking the back of the case, I scoped out the song list. Still, nothing seemed to ring a bell. But curiosity still got the better of me.

I popped the disc into the CD player, skipping right to track 13. Every other CD I owned growing up, track 13 was always the best.

The music filled the place, and it wasn't what I was expecting. A sort of slow R&B track, the artist's voice melancholy. The way he drawled his words, I almost couldn't make them out. Despite this, however, I liked it. It was catchy, pretty even.

This was a thing. Something I was going to always associate with Courtney.

I absentmindedly started dancing, just a simple sway in the beginning. Then moving more freely around the room, like a ghost exploring this new world that was to be me and hers.

The singer's vocals continued to be mournful, mumbling like he was at his lowest, and not even the person he was singing to could get him out of it.

"Damn, Court', I never knew you had a thing for 'sad boys'," I said aloud, picking up the CD case again, looking at the book inside. The pages included the lyrics, helping a lot in deciphering what he was even singing. On track 13's page, it said 'For Blair', followed by the lyrics and nothing else.

Not that it needed it, I wanted to play along. I knew the guitar wouldn't suit a song like this, but hey, a little fun never hurt nobody.

I looked at where my guitar was, but it was gone, no longer backed into the corner by all of Courtney's boxes. It was there, right? Strange.

I glanced around the room, the front door to the couch, the bookshelf to the window. It was nowhere.

I left, swiftly making my way to the bedroom; if it wasn't in the main room, it would definitely be there.

I entered the chilly room, glancing around quickly. Nothing.

I made for the closet, pulling the doors open. Again, nothing.

SPLAT!

I flinched away from the closet, my eyes chasing the source of the sound. On the wall by my head was the shell of a cracked egg glued by the dripping insides.

Laughing nervously, I closed the closet and looked out into the hall, "fuck, Courtney. My heart's in my throat," I continued to laugh, my breath shaking.

I expected to see her standing at the top of the now dimmed hall, egg carton in hand, a mischievous grin on her face.

But the hall was empty. My smile dropped immediately.

SPLAT!

I jumped as another egg smashed in the hall, thrown from one of the other bedrooms.

"Courtney!" My tone sounded more agitated. "Courtney, what are you doing?"

I wanted to remain put, but my feet told me to move. And I was in the hall, hand right by the second splattered egg.

"This isn't funny, Courtney," I kept my eyes on the smashed egg.

Another splattering sound came from the room across the way, past the main room, in the now darkened kitchen. I flinched again, not as hard. Yet my feet continued to move me towards the source.

I didn't even think to look in the living room as I passed. As soon as I had one foot in the kitchen, my hand reached for the light.

It wasn't any use; the lights only blinked on and off. My hands trembled now.

The smell of eggs hit my nostrils, my brain telling me to look down.

"What the fuck?" I whispered, taking one step more into the kitchen. The floor was littered with smashed eggs, the yolk causing shiny streaks on the linoleum.

And a rattling tore my attention away from the wasted food. I saw it just in time, the pantry doors closing shut.

Get out. Just turn around and run. Go find Courtney and call the fucking police.

Yet I still found myself in front of the pantry, my shaking hands on the doorknobs. The light still blinked, the air was so cold, and I couldn't even hear myself breathe. I didn't want to do this, but something told me I needed to.

I pulled the doors open quickly.

All that was in the small space was the food we had stored away.

"Fuck," I sighed with a shaking breath. Everything was fine. There was no one in the pantry, no one in the apartment. I was going to turn around; the apartment would be warm and homely looking, the lights would be working fine, and the eggs would be gone, never there in the first place.

Before I could even fool myself into believing that, there was one more sound behind me. Nylon rubbing against more nylon.

Paler than I was before, I dared myself to turn around. The lights continued blinking. The air was still devastatingly cold.

There he was, the one throwing the eggs, standing right across from me in a soaked raincoat.

I gasped. Then I cried. And I stepped back.

"I'm sorry." The man whispered.

And he hurried forward, arms reaching out to me, his heels crunching on the eggs.

-_-_-_-

I shot up in bed, gasping sharply.

“Adore, what’s wrong??” Courtney was wide awake instantly.

I was catching my breath when her voice reminded me of where I was. Everything was fine. The apartment was glowing from the morning sun; it was nice and warm. It was just a nightmare.

Courtney’s arm met my shoulder.

I shook my head. “I just...had a messed up dream.”

“Oh,” Courtney was relieved.

The alarm started to chime, causing me to flinch slightly. Courtney groaned. “Turn it off, please.”

I turned it off. “Come on. You got work.” I did my best to turn and face her. She was rubbing her weary blue eyes.

“It’s a bank holiday.”

Fuck me and my goldfish memory. “Oh yeah,” I rubbed my own eyes.

“Could you make some coffee now that you’re awake?” Courtney stretched her limbs out. Her stretching soon turned her into a pretzel, appearing almost possessed. We joked about it often, how when she stretched, she always formed her body into the most bizarre positions.

“Of course, I will,” I turned around while she snuggled against her pillows again.

I threw the covers off me, exposing the watermelon that was my belly. I rubbed a hand over it lovingly, hoping the life inside would also wake up. I would need the company now that Courtney was bound to take another half hour in bed.

5 years ago, if you had asked me where I saw myself in the future, I would have said on a stage, spitting beer at a crowd of screaming fans who’d see me as their idol. I’d be unable to go out into the public, what with people constantly grabbing for a moment with me. Then the paparazzi doing all they could to get a story on my latest shenanigans. I know that sounds cocky, but we’ve all had at least one moment in which we fantasise about being famous.

I would have never guessed this is where I’d be - married and heavily pregnant.

I was waiting for the kettle to boil when the baby kicked. I winced, the pain-causing me to shudder as a shockwave coursed through me, goosebumps appearing on my skin as it travelled. It was bizarre to think inside me there was a tiny human, terrifying actually. At least once a day, I would lose myself in a trancelike state, just thinking too much about it.

“Maybe IVF was a mistake. We could have adopted,” Courtney said the week prior, catching me in one of my trances.

“What? No, the birth process isn’t scary to me.” I was sort of peeved by her statement. I knew she was only looking out for me, but I was afraid the baby could somehow hear her words behind all my skin. “It’s just…there’s a living thing inside me…and sometimes I just….”

I never finished that statement. I didn’t even know how to finish it. Sometimes I wished Courtney was the one who agreed to carry the baby just so she could understand. And even if that were the case, I’d like to imagine I’d understand her even though it wasn’t me going through it.

I didn’t hate being pregnant, but I didn’t love it either. I underestimated how much it fucked with emotions. It was a rollercoaster.

“It says ‘insert groove dowel pins into B1 and B2.” I felt useless, sitting on the couch and reading the instructions.

The TV was on in the background. Months back, we’d play music channels just for some background sound. And now our choice of white noise was the news. Was this what being an adult was supposed to be? Was I doing this right?

Courtney was on the ground before me, where the coffee table once was. She was surrounded by the cot, a work in progress. She looked at me cluelessly. “OK, what are dowel pins again?”

“The thingies…they look like maggots,” I turned the page to her, pointing at the image, for the 20th time now.

“Oh, OK.” Courtney searched the dowel pins on the ground.

I continued to stare at the page, waiting for her to finish the step. The baby kicked again; I squeezed my eyes shut which went unnoticed.

“...young female scientist Brianna Caldwell, leading the operation into discovering a pathway into a parallel universe. Some are calling the project outrageous; others are supportive of Ms Caldwell….”

1. Wow, did you have to point out that she was a female, Mr Probably Misogynistic News anchor.

2. Wasn’t that the same Brianna from Joslyn’s class?

3. Was it even possible? Other universes?

4. If yes, then what would my life look like? Would I be that multi-award-winning artist travelling the world?

“OK, then what?” Courtney asked, still working with the long plank of white wood.

“Ummm…” I almost forgot what step we were at, too engaged with my own thinking. “‘Align sliding panel AB…” why was my voice cracking? “...alongside bar EF.’”

“We did that already,” Courtney said a little too quickly, hinting annoyance in her tone.

“OK,” my hands started to shake, “‘Insert rod into top pole until base connects.’”

Courtney dropped whatever she was messing with; I was too busy focusing on the page in my hands. “This sounds more like a step by step guide on how to conceive. ‘Dash your hopes and dreams: for dummies.’”

She smirked, thinking she was funny. But I wasn’t laughing. My chin trembled, eyes watered. And I made a half-assed attempt at covering my face with my free hand.

Courtney stood up, manoeuvring around the WIP cot, when the first sob escaped my mouth. “Adore, no…I was just joking. Please don’t cry.”

A bit late now, Court.

“What’s the matter?” Courtney sat next to me, leaning close.

“I…just…I don’t know….” I sobbed harder.

“Adore, I’m really sorry. I was kidding. This is what I want.” She rubbed my shoulder, her voice soothing.

I couldn’t believe the words I said next, not until they were actually out there. “I just don’t want the baby to spoil everything.” Oh God, was I already failing as a Mother for saying it?

Courtney’s hand took mine. “That’s not going to happen,” she squeezed it reassuringly. “How is that going to happen?”

-_-_-_-

We stared at the ceiling as Lo’s wails filled our room, screeching from the monitor as he wept in protest. He didn’t want to sleep. And he didn’t want us sleeping either.

I clasped my hands over my chest, waiting patiently for something to happen. Maybe he’d realise Mama and Mommy needed their rest, and he was asking too much of them.

Or maybe Courtney would move.

I didn’t look at her, but I could see that she swept a hand through her messy blonde locks out of the corner of my eye.

“OK, nope.” She kicked the covers back, and I finally looked at her.

Internally I was thanking the heavens that she got the hint. But I couldn’t let her know that. As she clambered out of bed, I went to reach for her, but I didn’t even grab hold. “Court’, I - -” I had done most of the baby stuff. I needed a break. My sentence went unfinished.

When she left the room, I smiled with relief. I knew it would only last an hour before Lo started back with his protests. So I was relishing in it.

And now that she was gone, I had the chance to finally do the one thing I hadn’t checked off my to-do list. Courtney was home all day, insisting she’d take care of Lo while I focused on my music.

For the first time in a while, things were looking up. From uploading all but two songs to Soundcloud, Malcolm got me some traction. And -OK, this made me feel older than I was- having no idea how Spotify actually worked, I was even more shocked to find out he could put my music there too.

The many people who had listened already was just…something I thought I’d never see.

Malcolm said it wasn’t a big number at all. But hey, 1000 listens to each song on Spotify, that blew my mind. And now, I was on the path to making a real artist of myself.

It felt sort of like a betrayal to do it without the band. I had reached out to Spicey, but she had moved on, explaining she was married with kids of her own, and said, “OK, leave me alone now.”

But back to the present, relying on the past never did me good.

I quickly leaned over to the bedside table, opened the drawer and pulled the card out.

Courtney’s sweet voice sounded on the baby monitor. “Hello, my little angel. Why are you crying?” Lo’s wails were already dying as Courtney shushed him gently. “Why’s the baby crying…?” She continued to coo.

I turned back over in the bed, opening the bright pink card that said, “Best Mom Ever” in big capitals on the front. While Courtney began to sing the lyrics to her favourite song, Afterthought, I wrote the message quickly, a giddy smile on my face.

To Mommy,

I’m sorry I keep you awake at night. I just think you’re a cool person to be around. Mama says it all the time.

Happy Mothers Day,

Lo.

I slipped the card under her pillow, excited for the following day. I didn’t even care about the lack of sleep anymore. Courtney’s singing on the monitor was relaxing, the voice of an angel.

“Come on, little man….”

My eyes shot to the baby monitor. Because that wasn’t Courtney.

“Let’s get you out of there.”

My flight or fight instincts kicked in. I kicked back the covers, whimpering out Lo’s name as I rushed to his room. My blood was cold, even the air. It was all so cold. All of the panic, the fear of who was in our son’s room with him, it was all crushing my lungs.

I turned the corner in the hall, swinging into Lo’s room, my eyes instantly landing on the empty cot.

“Courtney!” I rushed to the cot as if this was just a trick of the eye. Maybe he had shrunk, or he was under the covers hiding. But none of it was true. My hands clenched around the bars. “Courtney!!” I screamed louder, unable to move away from my baby’s bed. “He’s gone! Someone took him!”

I choked out a sob, wishing this was all one big nightmare.

“Adore…what’s going on?” Courtney’s confused voice sounded from behind me.

When I whirled around, I almost passed out from all the relief when I saw Lo in her arms. He was wrapped up in a dinosaur blanket, looking around aimlessly, clueless to the distress I was in.

I should have been relieved. I should have taken him from her and held him close. But I glanced back at the cot, then back at Courtney, the confusion stronger now.

“I-I heard someone on the fucking monitor.” I glanced cautiously around the room, but we were truly alone.

“Yeah, it was me,” Courtney’s confusion disappeared instantly.

“No, but - -”

“I was just trying to nurse him back to sleep.”

“It wasn’t you, Court’.” My voice cracked. “I…It…” My hand clenched on the bars again.

“OK, calm down. He might get upset again.” Courtney stepped closer into the room.

I reached out and stroked the back of Lo’s head gently. I wonder if he really knew that I was distressed, the way my hand shook. I wonder if he would have been upset, too, knowing how terrified I was.

Courtney put Lo back in his cot. “There we go, baby…” she whispered.

Even though I knew it was just the three of us, I still felt like I was being watched. I had heard the voice, right? It was masculine, nothing like Courtney’s. Completely unrecognisable.

But why would anyone want to take my son?

I glanced around, realising that maybe no one wanted him specifically, but there were a lot of sick fuckers out there. And that thought made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I rubbed the area of skin, glancing out into the hall.

“You just need some sleep.” Courtney finished tucking Lo in. She went to leave the room, kissing me on the cheek before doing so. “Come on, you’re exhausted.”

But Lo was already starting to whimper. I didn’t want to leave him.

But Courtney was right. My whole body felt like lead, like moving was an exercise on its own.

And maybe she was right about the voice. Maybe I had dreamt it. Maybe I had managed to fall asleep for a few minutes while she worked at calming Lo down.

I backed away towards the door, still conflicted. My eyes remained on my baby as his cries already started to become more desperate.

My eyes remained on him as my hand found the light switch.

My eyes remained on him as it flicked it off, shrouding the room in darkness.

-_-_-_-

"Open up!"

I blinked a few times when I opened my eyes. They had only been closed for about a minute, so why did I feel disoriented?

Maybe the anxiety was slowly becoming worse. Every time I closed my eyes, I was reminded of that night. The fear of looking away from him for all but a second, and he'd be gone.

But this was supposed to be a happy day. So when my vision cleared, seeing all the faces in front of me, I put on my brightest smile.

I kinda knew they would throw me a surprise party. Well, party was a word for it. There were balloons, banners, all the usual decorations. But only 6 people. Mom, Dad, Malcolm, and 3 others who I think were just Mom's work friends.

"Suprise!" They shouted out, Malcolm displaying the cake in his hands. My eyes instantly went to the two candles. One being a '3' and the other a '0'. I was suddenly aware of the All Time Low t-shirt covering my body. Still wearing it after all these years.

I still felt…strangely disorientated. No one else seemed to notice. Malcolm was in front of me now. "Blow out your candles, baby."

"Oh," I needlessly sighed before blowing them out.

The attendees were awe-ing, and oo-ing as smoke trailed from the distinguished wicks.

"Happy Birthday," Malcolm hugged from the side, balancing the cake carefully in one hand.

"Thank you," I sighed once again. But the smile remained on my face.

He set the cake aside, and my eyes scanned the room. "Wow, this is…" my smile faltered, noting Courtney was absent.

Mom beckoned me over. I had seen her two days before. But Dad, I hadn't seen him in what felt like months. It probably was that long, to be honest.

"Hi, Dad!" I exclaimed, keeping my volume at a level that wouldn't freak him out. I wasn't a Daddy's girl growing up, but in the later years, we grew close. He liked my music a lot. And we'd watch old reruns of American Idol. He'd always say I had more talent in my pinky finger than they had in their whole being.

I'd accompany him to his game night at the pub, when he'd gather around with his friends, drinking and playing chess. He was always too enthusiastic about showing me off, telling his friends about my music. I'd tell them all about how I'd broken his heart in my teen years, constantly rebelling and breaking the rules. Of course, they'd laugh, slapping him on the arm. He'd say, "Well, look at you now."

I was over the moon to see him here in my home. Just standing there, facing the wall, looking at nothing, holding a red balloon in his hand.

"He's been so excited for this all week. Haven't you, Miguel?" Mom looked at him with a bright smile.

I was hugging him from the side, still gentle in my actions. He didn't reply. He didn't look around to kiss me on the head. He was still fixated on the wall.

Mom's smile was gone. She said in a hushed voice. "He did know he was coming. I just think…."

"It's gone again," I answered, saving her the trouble.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought him," she lowered her tone again.

I wondered if she realised that he could still hear us. Sometimes it felt like she didn't like he was an inanimate object she spoke about and did not speak to.

"No, I'm glad he's here." I kissed Dad on the cheek. There wasn't a hint of acknowledgement, but I knew he felt it.

"He wouldn't want you to remember him this way."

I held back from saying any more. If words were to come out of my mouth, they would be pointed. And one of the biggest rules of your birthday was you couldn't show anger, sadness or negative feelings. Don't want to look ungrateful.

Before I got too lost in my thoughts, Malcolm commanded my attention.

"Happy Birthday, baby bitch." He held up what was obviously a gift. And by how poorly wrapped it was, it was pretty obvious what it was. My eyes were already wide. "I'm sorry. I really tried."

I took the guitar by its neck. "What the fuck, Malcolm? This must have cost so much." I knew it did. I'd been eyeing the thing up for months. But when money was tight, it was out of the question. And when there was money, I felt like I didn't deserve it. Not like the music thing was going good anymore anyway. Turns out 2000 streams on a song isn't that big of a deal.

"What if I told you I got it with a five-finger discount?" Malcolm said a bit too loud.

My face darkened. "That's a joke, right?"

He laughed. "Bitch, of course, it is. Don't worry about how much it was. I had some change to spare."

My green eyes were shifting from Malcolm, then to the guitar, then back to my friend. "You didn't have to do this." But I couldn't contain my excitement, a squeal of excitement escaping my mouth as I brought him into a hug. "Thank you so much."

Pulling away, Malcolm's smile was as bright as mine. He glanced around the room, hands on his hips. "Where's Courtney?"

"I…" I shrugged, "I don't know. Mom, where's Courtney?" I felt bad for asking. I was the one who was supposed to know where she was. And I don't mean that in a controlling relationship type way. I just… couldn't…pinpoint when I last saw her.

"Oh," Mom looked around too as if she hadn't even realised, "She said she'd be here."

Just as the smile was disappearing from my face, the front door opened. I expected it to be Courtney, walking in looking stunning as always.

She'd apologise for being late, she was just picking up my present, which was probably something stupid like a carton of eggs. She'd hug me tight, kiss my cheek, wish me the happiest birthday, and promise toast soldiers later.

The truth is it was Courtney. And Trinity K Bonet, her work partner.

"Hi, darling." Courtney panted like she had run up the stairs. She hugged me gently and kissed my cheek.

She was smiling. Not as bright as I expected. Maybe that was asking too much. Maybe it wasn't.

"Hi, Trinity." I made sure that smile didn't move an inch. I was doing a good job, but the greeting could have been more enthusiastic.

"Adore!" She exclaimed as if she hadn't already seen me, as if Courtney hadn't told her it was my birthday. "How are you? You look…" her eyes looked me up and down, "great! You look great!"

Say thank you and be done with it. Just say thank you. "Um…I don't look great but thank you." Fuck.

"Nuh-uh. I think you've lost some weight. Turn around, lemme see."

Fuck my life. This is why you just say thank you and be done with it. I blinked, only now noticing that everyone's eyes were on me. I couldn't believe I was about to do a slow spin just so Trinity could probably pass judgement while she stood there, lean and tall in her gorgeous red suit dress, her hair styled perfectly.

I slowly turned, glancing at Malcolm. His gaze was on Trinity, lips pursed and brows raised. At least I wasn't the only one. He winked at me reassuringly.

"Yeah, you…you really have," Trinity said, quieter.

I couldn't bear it anymore. I finished the rest of the spin. She smiled like she was about to grab me by the shoulders and tell me she was sorry for my loss. Courtney was smiling and staring at me. Some part of me was pissed she didn't stop her friend from making me spin like that.

Mom was rubbing the back of her neck. Dad was still staring at the wall.

"Oh, it's just baby fat." Mom wasn't holding back. Her voice was full of frustration as she stared daggers at Trinity. "It'll go away, honey," she smiled at me.

"Isn't he 2 years old?" Trinity just couldn't help but add.

Again, Courtney pretended she didn't hear a thing. "Where is Lo?"

"Having a nap." I averted my eyes, pulling my t-shirt down as if it wasn't already hiding enough skin.

"She was showing everyone pictures at the work do!" Trinity beamed.

Ah, that's where she was. How could I have forgotten? Not like I was sort of pissed about it days before.

"Oh, yeah. How was it?"

"Oh, well, it was OK, I guess." Courtney looked at Trinity for clarification, "We only really stayed for a little while. Kind of boring, wasn't it?"

"So boring," Trinity groaned.

"We just…showed our faces to the higher-ups, you know. Kinda schmooze them up." Courtney laughed. And her gaze moved behind me. "Hi, Malcolm," she said quickly.

"Hi, Courtney," Malcolm returned the greeting with the same energy. "And this is…."

I just shifted uncomfortably, knowing how awkward this really was.

"Oh, this is Trinity," Courtney wrapped her arm around and put a hand on Trinity's lower back. "She just started under me."

"Hm," Malcolm smiled, eyes glaring down at Trinity, "has she?"

Courtney slid out of this awkward bubble that had been created as Malcolm exchanged air kisses with Trinity. She quickly moved to the snack table, and I followed. She poured herself a drink while I worked at this sudden uneasiness that fell over me.

"Courtney," I said quietly, rubbing my hands along the sides of my skinny jeans. "My Dad's here."

In all the years we'd been together, Courtney never had the chance to meet my Dad. Not her fault. He was just…in and out of the hospital. It was unpredictable when his health was going to decline again. And what with Courtney working more often, it was impossible to find a suitable date to have a get-together.

Courtney smiled before taking a quick sip of her drink. Her eyes then sought out the wide variety of finger food spread out on the table.

"You wanna say hi?" I asked quietly. I don't know why I made it sound like I was asking for a donation to charity. I hated it.

"No problem, I'm just gonna grab more drinks from the kitchen. I'd love a cheeky gin."

And she left me standing there, staring at all the food. The smile was becoming harder to maintain, almost making my face ache.

"OK, Adore! It's that time again!" Mom's said behind me, and I instantly knew what was happening.

I turned to see her already skipping towards me, blindfold in hand. The smile dropped. "Mom. No. Please."

"It's a tradition, honey. We have to!" She beamed. And she turned to address the party guests.

"Mom, please - -"

"Every birthday since she was six, we've always played blind man's buff!" Mom exclaimed like she was announcing that she had just won the lottery and a day on the beach with Michael Bublé.

"Not every birthday," I directed my gaze to Trinity, who seemed to be loving this already.

"Yeah, we have, Adore," Mom said, quieter and more stern. "Although, last year was the best. It's a lot more fun after a bottle of wine."

"I got pictures," Malcolm teased.

"I know it doesn't seem like her, but Adore's always been a sucker for party games. Right, honey?" Mom's honey-sweet voice was starting to take a toll on me.

Not that I was paying much attention anymore anyway.

Malcolm, Dad and the people I didn't know stood to one side of the room. And Courtney and Trinity remained on the opposite. My partner said something quietly to her. Trinity's eyes widened with enthusiasm. Her perfect lips turned up into a coy smile.

And Courtney put her hand on her back again and led her away to the hall.

I watched, trying to get a sense of where they were going. But as soon as they had started moving, my world was shrouded in darkness.

"...first person you grab will give you your main gift!" Mom secured the blindfold.

"OK…this is actually happening," I murmured.

"Malcolm, my darling, come and spin her!" Mom's voice said from behind me.

"Don't mind if I do," came Malcolm's flirty tone.

I was spun around 3 times, my friend counting up each time before announcing the game had begun.

I was left with a limited amount of my senses. Not that you need a tutorial on how to play blind man's buff, you've probably played it at a grandparent's birthday party. But holding your arms out is a lifesaver. You won't find anyone, of course, but you'll feel any obstacle in your way and save a broken vase. Your hands are your eyes when you're world is just dark.

I held my hands out and moved forward. My knee hit something, maybe the armchair. Hey, I didn't say you definitely wouldn't hit something.

Knowing where the chair was, I got a sense of what direction I was to head in. I bravely took a few more steps, thankfully avoiding more objects.

Just as I was beginning to question why I was still doing things like this at the age of 30, my right hand brushed something. Fabric. It couldn't have been curtains. I grabbed the person. "Got you!"

A frightened sound escaped the person's mouth, and I knew instantly it was Dad, still standing in the same place since the party had begun.

I apologised profusely, feeling him freaking out. "Sorry - sorry - sorry!" I couldn't stop. "It's me, Adore! You're safe!"

Thankfully, he calmed down instantly as I felt how he stood still again.

Back to the game.

I wandered around, hoping Dad wouldn't be frightened again and that I'd come across just someone. I giggled, picturing how this looked from the party attendees' eyes.

But it didn't last.

A sound brought me to a grinding halt.

It was almost like…scratching.

Curiously I followed in the direction of the sound, having no indicator of where I was headed.

As my hands connected with a wall to my left, I used it to help guide me along the way. Pretty sure I had just heard someone tiptoe behind me. I knew the sound of those shoes. Malcolm. He adored this particular pair of shoes because of how they sounded.

I could have turned and threw myself at him and ended the game right then and there.

But my curiosity had me following the scratching sound.

The wall kept going. I was in the hall. And the rooms around me were the bathroom and bedrooms. A sinking feeling crushed my stomach in a tight grasp. That wasn't scratching I was hearing. It was squeaking…rhythmic squeaking…growing louder the closer I got.

My hands landed at the door that I knew too well; our bedroom.

I moved my face closer, trying to make sense of the sound behind the wood. But how could I make any more sense of it? I knew what was going on.

I had enough. I pulled the blindfold off, hearing grunting from behind the wood.

I grabbed the handle and flung the door open.

-_-_-_-

The suitcase was on the bed, and Courtney was on top of the suitcase. She bounced up and down, making the bed creak as she tried to zip it shut. 5 years ago, I would have laughed, would have filmed her even. And we'd both giggle 'til our sides hurt.

Not now, though.

She looked at me, panting as she struggled. "It won't close. I think you're gonna have to take something out."

I rubbed my hands off the side of my leggings. "You always pack the cases." I wasn't trying to sound like a dick; I smirked a little, hoping she'd smile back

But she opened the case, bombarded by Lo's stuffed animals. She dug through the contents, pulling a pair of knee-high boots and displaying them for me to see. "You gonna need these? I don't think they need to go."

"Mom got me those last year." I practically whined. "Of course, they need to go. I've barely had a chance to wear them."

Courtney stuffed them back in, "Well…" her tone raised before she rubbed her face in frustration. "There's no need for all these toys." She took out the biggest one, the stuffed elephant, and threw it down onto the bed.

"But Lo can't sleep without them." I rushed to grab the elephant.

"Look, can't you just make him choose one? You're too soft, Adore." Courtney continued to dig around in the suitcase.

"Courtney, it's his holiday too." I retorted, slamming the elephant back into the case. And I regretted my choice of words. I knew that face, I knew what she was going to say, and I knew what was to follow.

Please don't say it, Court'. Please, don't.

"It wasn't meant to be." She turned her gaze from me, working on the suitcase again.

"Not again." I shook my head.

She closed it, leaning all of her weight using her knees. But she looked at me again, brows joined together. "It was supposed to be just us two. Just a chance to get away from the miserable flat for a little while. That was all."

I pursed my lips, nodding my head. This argument...the one we had already had. I was exhausted. "Yeah, well, sorry that my dad died, Courtney. I'm so sorry that ruined things. I'm sorry my Mom can't take of Lo so that it was such an inconvenience to your little escape."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not saying that."

"Well, that's how it sounds!"

She paused again, a challenging look in her eye. "The last time you said that was when you thought I was cheating on you. You can't keep coming to your own conclusions because of how something sounds to you."

I looked away, holding back every urge to shout. "You didn't need to bring that up again. It has nothing to do with this."

"OK." She sighed. "Look, I just wanted it to be fun…." Courtney was pleading with me to understand, but how could I? "Like how it used to be."

My eyes were glassy. But I wouldn't let myself cry. Not again. "That's just life, Courtney." There was a crack in my voice. "This is what normal people do. They go away on holiday as a family."

She could hear the pain in my voice...See the tears in my eyes...I was on the verge of breaking. But she rejected it.

"Well, I can't fucking wait." She finally got the suitcase closed. She climbed off the bed and brushed past me in a flurry. "Get the passports."

I wasted no time sitting around crying. Not like it would do anything to take back what just happened.

My chin trembled as I opened the dresser's top drawer, but I fought the urge to open the flood gates.

I opened each book one by one, taking in the ugly pictures. Save for Lo's. He was an angel, staring curiously into the camera lens, blissfully unaware that Courtney and I had fought that day as well.

My fingertip ran over his little face. I stared at his picture; I knew he wouldn't always be this little.

-_-_-_-

"What day is it today, Logan?" My eyes were stuck on the small frame containing his face. I tried to hold my hands steady with the camera.

"Monday." He said miserably.

"Come on," I laughed. "You know what I mean. What's happening today?"

His little face lowered for a moment before lifting it again. His bottom lip was sticking out as he said, "I got school."

"Yeah, you do!" I exclaimed, looking away from the camera screen to the actual image of my Son.

Mom stepped into the frame, and I stopped recording. "Come on, buddy. I'm gonna walk you over there."

Lo was staring at me, the fear in his eyes evident. "I want you to walk me, Mommy."

My heart broke for him; what kind of mother couldn't take their Son to school on the first day? "I'm sorry, honey. Mommy's got work. But I promise I'll be there to pick you up. I swear." I stood up, setting the camera aside and moving to him. "You are going to have so much fun. Trust me."

I knelt down to his level, and I couldn't stop the crack in my voice. "I am so fucking proud of you." I took his head in my hands and kissed his hair.

I missed the disapproving glare Mom cast at me. But Lo was used to my potty mouth, and thankfully he never dared repeat the words.

I pulled away, quickly glancing around the room as if searching for something. Mom got the hint and messed with Lo's coat. "OK, let's go. We wouldn't wanna be late, little guy."

My eyes were wet with tears that I wouldn't allow him to see. I loved Lo, and I spent almost every waking moment with him, yet he never saw me cry. I didn't want him to know this misery. I didn't want him to share in it.

I glanced over my shoulder; he was toddling along to the front door. Mom smiled sympathetically, leaning in to kiss my cheek. "I'll text you when we get there."

I nodded, hoping my face wasn't turning red.

"OK, Logan. You can show me how we get there." She led him out the front door. "And please trick me into taking you to the ice cream parlour."

"I'm not that clever," Lo mumbled.

Mom winked before the door was shut.

And just like a hammer thrown against a pane of glass, the barrier was shattered. All of my emotions began to crawl their way out of my stomach, up through my neck and out through my breath.

My eyes were even wetter now. But, still, I tried so hard to ignore all these thoughts. I cleared my throat and made my way towards the couch, where several cardboard boxes sat on the ground.

I knelt down in front of the nearest one and picked up that CD, Courtney's 'sad boy' music that I had teased her so much for liking. We had played it one night, after a night out in which we weren't quite sure how we were even standing anymore, and we danced in this small space. Holding each other, swaying side to side, and kissing like we would never get another chance.

That was so long ago. Now here we were.

My face scrunched up as I couldn't handle it anymore. Sobs escaped my throat, tears poured down my tired skin.

This wasn't how I imagined my life. This wasn't what I wanted. Of all the times I thought of how I wanted to be a rock star, no. I take it all back.

All I wanted was for Court' and me to be how we used to be.

I put the CD back, still crying, knowing there were still a few more things of hers to be packed away.

"Come on, Adore. Don't upset yourself…."

How could I not feel like this?

"I just didn't…I didn't think this is how my story would go…." I wiped my nose on the back of my sleeve. I felt the warmth on my shoulder, my Dad's hand, reassuring me.

"Well, if you think about it, kid, I never thought I'd end up walking into a grocery store naked, asking what the soup of the day was. But…there you go."

It's awful to think now how that once made me laugh. There was nothing funny about it. "You were sick, Dad. It wasn't your fault."

"And this isn't yours, Adore."

I wanted to believe it so bad. But would this even be happening if it wasn't my fault? "Courtney's left me, Dad. Now Lo's left me."

"Only until the afternoon."

"I know, but…." I shook my head, sniffling, "I'm 32, in the middle of a divorce, and working at a pop-up coffee shop with my best friend. Not exactly the fairytale I hoped for."

"Enough of this. It's Logan's first day at school. This is supposed to be a happy memory."

I squeezed my eyes shut, more tears escaping my eyes. I shook my head. "Sorry, Dad. But it doesn't feel like that."

The doorbell rang abruptly.

I looked over my shoulder, a sudden fear for whoever was on the other side.

-_-_-_-

The shrilling sound of the doorbell was making my head pound, doing nothing for the stress.

“Malcolm, would you get that, please??” I called out to him from the kitchen. My gloved hand fidgeted, opening the fridge door and finding the closest alcoholic beverage. The light drew attention to my Halloween costume - just your average witch attire. I missed the good old days when I could have been a bit more revealing, maybe with a bloodied pentagram on my chest and smouldering black eyeliner.

“Girl, I can’t. I’m putting in these contacts!” Malcolm called.

I scoffed as the bell rang again. I set the drink aside and rushed to the door. I pressed the button on the intercom, “Hello?”

I expected to hear children on the other end shouting, “Trick or Treat”, but then again, no kids ever went trick or treating in this apartment block.

“Hey, can you buzz me in?”

I rolled my eyes as Courtney tried to sound as innocent as possible.

“Yeah. You’re late, by the way.”

“Thanks.”

I pressed the button allowing her access and unlocked the front door.

“So the bitch has finally arrived!” Malcolm called from the bathroom.

I pointed a finger as I entered the room, “Don’t call my kids other Mother that,” and turned to look down the hall. “Lo! Your mom’s here!”

Malcolm turned from the mirror, displaying his sexy vampire outfit. Oh, to be just like him, to not give a fuck about what others thought of him. “Opinions?”

“OK, don’t call me a Karen ‘cause I think you look great. But please don’t let Lo see you.”

“I hate it. Fuck it, I’m gonna be a werewolf,” Malcolm turned back to the mirror and grabbed his eyeliner pencil. “I’m sure you got fake teeth laying around here somewhere.”

“Fuck you. You’re the older one.” I lightly kicked him.

“Shut up, bitch. Now tell me,” Malcolm already got to work on his cheeks, “Your new girl. Is she going to be there tonight?”

“She’s not my new girl, shut up,” I glanced over my shoulder in the sad case Lo stumbled upon the conversation.

“Do you want her to be?” Malcolm smirked.

“Bitch, I’ve only seen her Tinder profile.”

“Girl, it’s Halloween. How are you even going to know who she is?”

“She’s…” I couldn’t believe I even knew this information, but “she’s gonna be the boyfriend from Midsommar. When he’s wearing the bear thing….”

“Ooh, she’s different.”

“Yep.”

“And let me guess. You told her you were going as yourself,” Malcolm was on a roll tonight.

“Hilarious,” I nodded just as the front door opened. I almost looked. But what with Courtney picking and choosing when she came to see Lo, I didn’t even bother. “Lo’s in his bedroom.”

She reciprocated this energy, rushing past me towards Lo’s room.

“You’ve got some explaining to do,” I called as the door closed. To be honest, no, I didn’t need her excuse. I never did because it was always just the same thing.

“Alright?” Malcolm stepped back from the mirror, displaying the same outfit but with added whiskers and a black nose.

“You kinda look like…those emo kids back in the day.”

“Fuck!”

“OK, language,” I moved towards him, taking the pencil, “Oh, God. I sound like Mom.”

“What are you doing?”

“Turning those shit ass whiskers into cobwebs. You’re gonna be a black widow.” I started the process.

“Bitch, is that a microaggression?” Malcolm teased.

“For fuck sake, why are you like this?” I connected the lines. “Oh, shit. Do you remember when I first moved here 10 years ago?”

“Yep.”

“And I was living with that girl. Fuck, what was her name?” I paused.

“Joslyn.”

“Yes! Joslyn.”

“Is that who you’re turning me into? A venomous bitch?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I never thought about that girl so harshly. But who was it hurting? It had been years since I last saw her. She was probably living her life in a huge mansion that she rightfully earned from all the money she made.

We enjoyed this moment, feeling like we were young again and enjoying life. “Shit, remember we said that if in 10 years we were still single, we would just marry each other?”

“What? Feeling desperate now?”

I put my hands on Malcolm’s shoulders. “No, I was just…thinking…you know, it’s just funny how things turn out.”

Malcolm rubbed my arm. Fuck. Fuck me for making this moment sad. Fuck me for reminding everyone once again that life fucking sucked.

There was a knock at the front door. A sort of excitement bubbled within us. “Ooh, trick or treaters?”

“Yeah, let’s go scare the shit out of them!” Malcolm buzzed.

“Not you looking like that.” I made my way out of the bathroom and to the front door, taking the candy bowl with me.

I opened the door. And there was Courtney, dressed as a greek goddess, both her hands pressed either side of the frame, panting.

“You could have told me about the elevator being broken.” She bent over, catching her breath.

I turned away, skin pale as I stared down the hall. “Lo?”

Goosebumps rose when he didn’t answer.

I was running now. “Logan!”

I clasped my hand on the doorknob, flinging it open.

There he was, scooped up in the arms of a man in a soaked raincoat.

“I’ve got him, I’ve got him.”

-_-_-_-

"I've got him, I've got him…." I hurried through the front door, holding Lo in one arm and my phone pressed to my ear in the other, "No, please just get back here asap, OK?" Kicking the door shut, I tried but failed to contain the panic in my voice. Too many thoughts were running wild in my head - what had just happened? How badly had Lo hurt his hand? If I had kept an eye on him, would he have still been hurt? "OK, thank you!" I rushed to the bathroom, Lo still in my arms. With Mom on the way, I hung up, lowering Lo from my arms.

The cold water was on instantly, and I took his hand, holding it under the stream. "I know it stings, but it'll help," my voice still shaky. Lo pulled his hand away as the burn turned redder under the cold pressure. "Keep it under there," I moved it back, "You hear me? You gotta keep it under the cold water. I'm just gonna call your Mom."

I was almost afraid to leave him alone, unable to trust that he'd do as I said.

Courtney answered immediately. "Hello?"

"Lo's been hurt." My attempt at sounding calm and collected was failing.

"What?!"

"I mean…" I slapped my forehead, pacing back and forth in the living room. Fireworks outside the window reflected off my skin, causing me to flinch slightly. "He's still alive. He's not unconscious or anything. He just burnt his fucking hand on a sparkler."

"Right. OK - OK…Uh…Should I come - -"

"Yes, Courtney. Please come over!" My hands shook the more I paced, my feet knocked against the miniature toy cars on the carpet, causing a fatal accident for Lo's imaginary characters. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice. So far, he had suppressed any tears, biting his lip through the pain.

"OK. Sit tight. I'm coming."

I glanced into the bathroom; Lo did as he was told, still holding the red burn under the cold water. Was this just a huge overreaction? Was I that Mother?

I pinched my eyes with my fingers. "Thank you. He's…he seems fine anyway. I'm just…you know…Maybe it's all those PSA's on TV, I don't know…."

The front door opened, and in came Mom, right on time.

"Where is he?" Mom whispered.

"Bathroom," I mouthed before resuming my pacing. "My Mom just got here…I - -"

"I'll be there in 5."

Not that Courtney even needed to be here anymore; this felt…relieving. "Thanks, Courtney. See you soon."

"Wait."

I stopped pacing as my eyes travelled into the bathroom, watching as Mom inspected Lo's hand.

"I love you."

And all of a sudden, my attention was stolen away.

It had been so long since Courtney had uttered those words to me. And yet…it felt…natural…Like nothing had ever changed…

I blinked, unable to think of a response. I wanted to say those words back. As an act of hope or desperation?

The crack of a firework tore my attention away. And when I was brought back to my reality - divorced, single Mother, injured child - I hung up.

"Mom," I shook my coat off. "Is he OK?"

"Yes!" Mom was holding Lo by the shoulders, leading him towards me. "He's fine!"

My arms were already outstretched. I took his hands in mine and examined the wound.

Only…

"There's nothing wrong with him, honey."

True. Lo's hands were fine. No trace of a scar to be seen.

"But…he screamed," I twisted his little hands around in mine, checking the backs and sides. I couldn't have imagined this.

"Maybe you scared him?" Mom shrugged. "Logan, look out the window! The fireworks!"

Lo followed to where she pointed, pressing his small face against the cold glass, staring in awe at the bright colours exploding in the sky.

"Mom. I watched him pick up the sparkler. He burnt his hand," my hands were on my hips. "I know what I saw."

"Adore, honey, there's nothing wrong with him. He's fine," she took off her own coat and hat. Then she was still, "You did that though …when you were his age," she looked at me now, like this memory was only surfacing now, "I remember it burnt right through your orange glove."

But I…I couldn't remember a thing.

I wasn't even meeting her gaze any more.

I silently made my way to the couch.

How could I ever forget something like that? Something that would surely scar me for life. Oddly enough, as soon as I saw Lo pick up the sparkler, I felt the pain in my own hand. But still, I couldn't see it through my own eyes, grabbing the scorching hot thing in an orange glove. Nothing was surfacing.

"You know, maybe that's why you freaked out on him. You were probably thinking of that," Mom continued. "Hang on. I'm gonna make us all some hot chocolate. Not that awful instant stuff. The type your Dad used to make."

My eyes were staring down at my gloved hand now. I hesitated as I grabbed the bottom and slowly pulled upwards.

Something was definitely wrong. Because there it was - a red burn that had scarred over years and years of healing.

"Mom?" My voice cracked. "What's wrong with me?" I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to look at the scar any longer. "Everything's just… I'm getting everything mixed up."

Behind closed eyes, I pictured my hand, scar free, hoping that it would truly be gone when I looked again.

Yet so many images came to mind - Lo grabbing the sparkler, Lo wearing orange gloves, Mom's voice. "It will sting, but it'll make you feel better, baby."

And as I longed for these images to be gone, I felt the inability to breathe. No matter how hard I inhaled, the oxygen wasn't getting to my brain.

"Well, aren't you going to put your hat on?"

"What?" I opened my eyes. My scarred hand was still held up in front of my face.

Mom placed a red paper crown on my head beside me, one found in a Christmas cracker.

Christmas was over…how did this make sense? The table was covered with plates of Christmas dinner, the tree was up and decorated, standing proudly at the back of the room. 4 people sat around the table. How did any of this make sense??

"OK, here's one. It's stupid, but I kinda love it," Malcolm chuckled at the small slip of paper in his hand, the Christmas jokes he always loved collecting from crackers, "What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in the chimney?"

Mom sat down next to him, awaiting the answer. As did the two sitting opposite him, Joslyn. And Dad.

"Clause-trophobia." Malcolm goggled his eyes.

"That was awful." Dad laughed anyway.

"And, what? You have a great sense of humour, honey?" Mom giggled.

My gaze shifted from each person, unable to understand if this was all wrong or if it was perfectly fine.

But how could it not be wrong? This particular group of people rarely mingled. Fuck, I would have never imagined Joslyn and I became so close she'd spend Christmas at mine.

"I married you, darling. I'd say that was hilarious." Dad clutched his wine glass, holding it out for Malcolm to fill.

Everyone was laughing.

Everyone except me.

"Dad…Are you alright?" I said too quietly.

"Yes, I'm fantastic," he took a sip of wine. "I had to be here for this, didn't I? I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

Everyone had their eyes on me now.

And someone moved behind me.

Hands grabbed my shoulders, and I slowly turned as they rubbed my skin up and down.

"You alright, baby?" Courtney leaned down, looking into my eyes so lovingly. "Well done on this. It's gorgeous." She looked hungrily at the food.

My eyes followed hers. The food did look gorgeous.

But there was a stirring in my stomach. Like I could throw up at any given moment.

"Just like you," Courtney looked back at me and left a warm kiss on my cheek.

My lips parted, stunned by that feeling, the affection I hadn't felt in so long. The love I longed for, mourned over.

Courtney moved away, taking her place at the opposite end of the table. Still, she looked at me, a proud smile on her face.

I was warm inside…and my stomach only stirred more.

"I did the roasted vegetables, actually," Mom added with a cheeky smile.

"Oh, I wondered why they were all black on one side," Malcolm dared himself to say.

No offence was taken; everyone whooped, enjoying every moment of this…this…what seemed to be ordinary moment.

"Where… Where's Lo?" I piped up.

"Oh, he's just getting on his Nativity costume," Courtney glanced toward the hall, awaiting her son's appearance.

Our sons.

I squinted my eyes. "Court'...are we…are we back together?"

"Yeah," Courtney giggled, glancing at the others like it should have been a given, "Of course we are. Remember New Years last year?"

Why was she even telling me this? If she expected me to remember, surely she wouldn't have felt the need to tell me. Surely she must have thought I was joking, even though I really wasn't.

Everyone was smiling, a bit too wide. Goosebumps were rising on my skin.

"I think it's time for the present," Joslyn winked.

"Yes." Courtney beamed with excitement. "Now's the time."

"No," I shook my head, "I don't want a present." My hand was clenched around my fork.

"Oh, come on, Adore!" Malcolm joined in on the excitement.

I refused to look any of them in the eye. This was fucked up. Everything was so fucked up, and I was the only one who could fucking see that.

I pulled the paper crown from my head, trying to relax my panicked chest. Courtney rushed to the tree, picking up a small box-like item wrapped in red wrapping paper.

"This is from all of us," Dad leaned towards me. "We all added to it."

The red box was in front of me now, Courtney holding it out to me.

I breathed heavily as I stared. One half of my brain told me to ignore it, tell them all I'd open it later. While the other half told me that it was just a present, no big deal.

With a puff of breath out of my mouth, I took the damn thing. I untied the gold ribbons and pulled the red paper off.

Courtney made her way back to her seat as everyone's full attention was on me and the now unpackaged item.

It was a large emerald-green book with gold trimming on the spine. Nothing scary so far.

When I opened it up, on the first page were two pictures - on the left, me as a freshly born baby. On the right; my latest birthday picture.

A label underneath read 'Adore Delano: A life in Pictures.'

This…This was nothing to worry about. I was overreacting again. Everything was fine.

I allowed a warm smile to appear on my face. "Oh God, look at me." I giggled.

"You were so tiny!" Mom beamed.

I turned the page to find more pictures. The first two were from when I was a little girl, dark hair in pigtails and flipping off the camera. It made me laugh how rude I was back then.

The other two were still me, only the teenage version of myself. One was a class photo, the other from my first house party.

"Oh my God," I chuckled, "that party. You guys were so mad at me."

"Little did we know it was the first of many to come," Dad commented.

I turned the page. The adult era - trying to get the record deal, Joslyn's first day living here.

On the opposite page; two pictures of Courtney with Lo sitting on her knee.

"Oh my God, that crib!" I pointed to the damned object lurking in the corner of the photo. "Do you remember that?" I lifted my excited smile to Courtney. "We struggled to put it up!"

"Yeah, like, how does it take 3 days to build a crib?" Courtney bemusedly questioned.

I turned another page. There was me and Malcolm, the Halloween when I was a witch and he was…a sexy vampire but then a werewolf but then a black widow. "Ah, there we are! The real stars."

"You sure that wasn't a microaggression, though?" Malcolm pointed, following it with a chuckle.

I turned page after page, even going back to look at the previous. "Oh God, this is so so cool. You guys got everything." I stifled, my emotions getting the better of me. I giggled, turning some more pages, "This is…" then some more, "...this is like my…" the tears were surfacing, "...my whole life is…flashing…."

I sniffed once again, slowly turning fewer and fewer pages.

Until I couldn't turn anymore.

I stared down at the book, my heart sinking.

I lifted my head. "Oh…"

They all looked at me, their smiles falling.

"I think I know what's going on now."

The sound of tires screeching...metal crashing against metal...My eyes squeezed my eyes shut.

-_-_-_-

I opened my eyes. Not that I could see anything. It was all blurry. And my hearing, that was fuzzy too.

All I could make out through the foggy sound were sirens.

That song was playing on the radio. Courtney's song. Our song.

My vision was clearing. There was the steering wheel which my head was pressed against, splatters of broken eggs on the window screen, red and blue flashing lights.

I wanted to move my head. The pain prevented me from doing so.

All I wanted was to go to the store and get some groceries. All we wanted to do was make toast soldiers like we did in the good old days.

A new sound screeched in my ears. A saw, I guessed. Not that I could look to see or react as the racket tormented my ears.

The only thing I could do was move my eyes and inspect the situation.

The window was cracked, ready to shatter into a million little pieces. And through a hole in the glass, there he was.

The man in the soaked rain coat, peering in from a few feet away, fear and concern all over his face.

Sparks flashed in front of the glass. So it was a saw...A saw that they used to remove the car door.

As soon as it was gone, the man had vanished, just like a ghost.

A fireman knelt down, looking right at me. "Can you hear me?"

I couldn't answer.

He moved closer, but he only became muffled.

For a moment, I blacked out, for the next thing I remembered was being carried from the car, my body in agony. The side of my head was hot and wet, something pouring down my cheek.

Mom? What's wrong with me? Everything's just… I'm getting everything mixed up.

Next thing I was on a stretcher, an oxygen mask covering the lower half of my face.

Adore, you've got the memory of a goldfish…

He wouldn't want you to remember him this way.

That's just life, Courtney.

The last thing I could recall was bright lights passing by, a ceiling so bright it was hard to look at. But there was Courtney, rushing by my side, dressed in her work uniform, scrubs and all, a tag saying 'Dr. C. Act, MD, PhD'

"Please, let me handle this. She's my wife!" She was crying. "I need to be with her, please!"

Then she was gone, the sounds of her anguished screams growing fainter and fainter.

This is supposed to be a happy memory.

I blinked through the bright white lights, hearing all those things in my head. I wanted to sob; I wanted to just scream. This wasn't fair. I hadn't the chance to live the life I wanted to.

And suddenly, the pain was gone again. I was back at the table; the Christmas dinner lay before me, the red and blue lights from the tree reflecting off us.

I looked at them all, unsure how I was breathing.

"Lo!" Courtney called.

In he came, dressed like a Christmas angel, the tinsel-made halo and all.

"Mommy's going now."

I tried to hold it in, the tears, the sobs, the anguish as Lo walked towards me. His face was like stone. Still, he would not cry through the pain. His little arms wrapped around my shoulders, and tears fell from my eyes.

"I don't want to," I cried, holding his arm. "I don't want to go."

Lo was stood there watching them carry me away on the stretcher, the same stone-cold expression on his face as a police officer wrapped him up in a blanket.

The man in the raincoat was there again, speaking to the police officer. "It was my fault. I just…I wasn't looking. I just stepped out into the road…."

I watched him from the stretcher as he turned to point at Lo. "I managed to get the boy out of the car. But…I couldn't save her." His voice was cracking. "I'm sorry."

I pitied the man.

He did more for me than I ever could have asked.

Lo had another chance at life because of him.

Sitting there at that table, surrounded by my loved ones, I held Lo's arm tighter. I was going to be OK. He was going to be OK.

"Come on, Lo," Courtney smiled sadly.

Still, I kept my hand on his arm, just a moment longer, savouring the moment.

But he was obedient, just how we raised him. And he went to Courtney.

My gaze shifted between them all, taking in each of their faces, how they didn't seem to express grief. But…sympathy.

"It's time, Adore," Mom whispered.

I blinked the last of my tears away, holding her gaze for just a moment. Never would I see this woman again, the woman who fussed over my 'etiquette' choices, who still gave a shit when my life was going nowhere, who'd kiss me on the head and tell me how proud she was.

Then my Dad, the man I hadn't seen in so long. In a way, it felt cruel that these were the circumstances in which we've met again. Did this happen to him? Was he really sick, or was he just taking in everything around him, watching it all collide with far off memories, constantly unable to understand what was real and what was not?

On the other hand, it felt right. This moment in which he got to share my pain, knowing exactly how it felt. It was sort of comforting, his smile. This is supposed to be a happy memory.

I flashed Joslyn a quick apologetic smile, regretful for the words I spat that destroyed any possibility of a real friendship. She smiled back, forgiving. This wasn't just about me. It was her moment as well - the chance to let go of our bad blood.

Malcolm's smile was the widest, of course. So many times, he smirked at me and said, "I'm the star, baby. I own this show." Even now, he couldn't help but compete for the limelight. Without this man, I wouldn't have had experiences. Experiences not many people had the chance to involve themselves in. I had gigs, hearings, and a small fanbase for a short time. It wasn't what I saw for my music career. But it was more than most people got.

Even though he was the main character of his life, he made sure I felt like a star on my own.

My gaze shifted away, looking to the top of the table. Courtney with Lo sitting in her lap.

I thought I'd spend my whole life with this girl, the cute Doctor I met at that one New Years' party. I dreamt I'd be a rock star, and she'd be my blonde bombshell of a partner, touring the world, making millions, idolised by so many other queer people.

Of course, that wasn't life.

I couldn't exactly pinpoint what it was that went wrong. At first, it felt like it was Lo, like we had thrown ourselves into the deep end, thinking it would be absolutely incredible. But Courtney and I loved Lo, even to the point we fought over who was seeing him the most.

Maybe it was everything about our relationship. The fantasy of being an attractive young couple with so much potential for happiness. "Ugh, I just want a big white wedding!" "Ew, no. My wedding dress is gonna be black, bitch." "Oh! That's a great idea! It'll be like…a ying and yang type thing." "Ughh! Yes, girl. And what would be even more punk rock is if we had a child and, like, gave them one of those out-there names. Like Ziggy or Blondie!”

It was all a childish game, just a bunch of make-believe.

And when we got what we wanted, it only caused a rift.

It was never meant to be. And no matter how much I tried to hold on to it, to make things seem fine, it had to stop.

And even when we picked it back up…well…here we are.

For all the good times, though, it was worth it. Courtney taught me so much in our good years, always hyped me up when it came to my music, and always appreciated when I was honest with her.

And best of all, she was an amazing Mother. Sometimes it felt like Lo preferred her over me. I never knew why; the thought of asking him scared me. But now, knowing I'd be gone, it's a comfort.

A sigh escaped my nose.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

The tears were long gone.

My whole body relaxed as I breathed out long and hard. I could already feel it. How everything was lighter now.

I whispered, "Goodbye, everyone."

And as the darkness came over me, I could hear it. Courtney and I'd song.

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

you’re saying chate is bad bc it shows chuck had no care for nate’s ability to consent but then you love the nate/jenny relationship????????? she literally took away his consent and crossed his boundaries more times that i can count. y’all are so selective and you clearly don’t care about nate both of those ships were horrible for nate

LOL, i literally have an anti jenate tag, which you can go and look at. i do think what jenny canonically did to nate was horrible, but i also feel like that was more an issue with the writers + where they took jenny's arc than anything else - i like to think of jenny & nate having positive interactions such as the one in "seventeen candles" and "the empire strikes jack". i've said this multiple times that i don't condone how jenny treated nate, but i do think there was potential for a healthy dynamic there, based off those few moments of openness and honestly they did have in canon. i'm also so confused by people who think i ship jenate... i've headcanonned jenny as a lesbian from day 1.

the reason i attempt to make my blog such a safe space for jenate fans is that i still remember when i got hate for "shipping jenate", which i don't even ship, LOL, and how shitty it felt. i don't want people who actually do ship jenate to feel shitty about it, hence.

i am so selective? anon, you literally just took half a sentence off my blog to get mad about. i don't care what people ship and whom they ship with whom. i'm just here to say what i liked about certain dynamics and what i disliked about others, and i've never claimed my word is law or that people should agree with me. "you clearly don't care about nate" - nate's a fictional character, he doesn't need me to protect him. or you to protect him. you know why? because he's not real. we cannot hurt him. please relax, and like. drink something nice. pet a cat maybe. there are better ways to spend your time than sending pointless anons on the internet, i promise.