#I accidentally ruined them for myself now they trigger bad emotions lol

[ink-the-artist]

21 pilots isnt edgy. its like boring.

Maybe angsty is a better word. like,

[platonic-prompts]

Okay, time for your daily dose of wattpad drama

There was a person who dropped a random spoiler into my comment section. It had nothing to do with the book or fandom. It was a random, unprompted spoiler with the name of the show attached to it. So I was like ‘hey, you know that’s a spoiler right”

And they said yes lol

You do realize you just could have spoiled a show I wanted to watch, right?

“What’s the big deal spoilers are inevitable? Several plot points for the shown are all over articles---” Etc

Anyway, this went on for a while, since I was trying to convince them it was a crappy thing to do, since I have my comments on so I can reply to questions about the story. If they had said, oh, sorry, that would’ve been the end of it. 

But no, no, that couldnt be the end of it. Time went on, and they twisted my words “Go ahead, call me an asshole to my face. I dont care”

Even though I never once called them that, instead referring to a kid I went to school with who spoiled endgame because he’s an asshole. More comments, and more of them acting like they’re not at fault, that people ‘don’t mind spoilers because they enjoy the shows more’ and ‘i didn’t know you watch the show’

I don’t but I was planning to and you spoiled a big plot point.

Anyway, time skip to this morning because I muted them and deleted the comments last night so I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore. Now this is where the drama comes in. This person has a habit of, if they mute me i make a post about it.

Samples include: This person just came at me all posh and whatever cause I called their portrayal of Zoë Nightshade OOC. She was also OOC for no reason whatsoever. I get it if she's like that because of some background story or smt but not without reason. It just seems like a bad writer to me and they're just coming up with excuses.

So…aparrently I offended someone because of something petty. This Wattpad user muted me cause I did something they didn't like (pretty sure they're a 'she' cause her profile description said 'lesbian' but I'm not assuming). I was reading one of their books and saw something interesting that wasn't canon. Something about demigods having golden specks in their blood. I was confused and curious. So naturally, I asked a question. Then this user who took people questioning them to a whole new level, muted me! (In referral to a person who has stated that they don’t like it when people do so and to please refrain from doing so)

And there’s also another one, but they drop the username of a twelve year old because they muted them for calling what they do annoying. But I’m not showing that one because again, child.

How does this factor in? Well, my dear dear children

Lmao this person petty af. They muted me after I ACCIDENTALLY spoiled something that I didn't even consider as a spoiler since the fanfic was unrelated to what I was talking about. I felt no need to apologise because of this and they acting to serious like I've commited a crime. Just get over it. There are worse problems to deal with than spoilers. Why so triggered?

I was replying back with no emotion whatsoever. It's hilarious at how angry they are and how long their comments were. I didn't even bother reading them.

Let’s break this down piece by piece. It is not an accidental spoiler when you drop a major plot point into an unrelated piece of media along with the name of what its from. They admitted that they put the name in there because people might not understand it, but the people who wouldn’t understand it would be people who haven’t seen the show or aren’t up to that part yet. 

The equivalent to this would be going to a random BnHA fanfic on Ao3 and saying *SPOILER FOR THE BARTIMEUS TRILOGY* I just finished reading Bartimaus being forced out of Nathaniel’s mind so he wouldn’t die too, In Ptolomy’s Gate! and then the (girl’s name) summons him at the end and it was so sad. 

*SPOILER OVER*

Even if it was an accidental spoiler, which  highly highly doubt considering they showed no surprise at it being a spoiler and literally said yes lol, it’s still a crappy thing to do. 

Next point: IT”S STILL A SPOILER EVEN IF ITS NOT RELATED TO THE FANFIC

Next: No need to apologize. Really? I straight up said I was planning to watch the the show and that I had avoided spoilers for years so I could watch it blind. And then they proceed to say ‘I didn’t know you watched the show” which again, i have not and now never will because my enjoyment of closely serialized shows hinges on not knowing what happens next. Soap operas are boring for me, and downright cringe worthy because they repeat the same plot points again and again. But then when they throw in a new plot (Or victor decides to be a good grandparent) I find myself enjoying it. Only for that to be yanked away if someone were to say, oh yeah x goes to jail for murder and then y breaks them out and they go live on an island somewhere. 

Also their reason for not apologizing is because people are still mad at you afterwards, also that it doesn’t change anything, but I share that so first part only. People are no obligated to forgive you just because you apologize. Sorry doesn’t wipe away their emotions and free will. Even if you don’t mean it sorry shows that you recognize you did something wrong. (Although I fall into a pit where my sincere apologies seem insincere which is not fun for me)

Next: As for why I kept replying to them. Because they were acting like they did nothing wrong and pushed the blame onto me. I wasn’t acting like it was a crime, I was saying it was a crappy thing to do and maybe dont do it because you can ruin a piece of media for something. But oh no, now I’m triggered I guess. I guess having concern for other peoples enjoyment is a crime now, take me away officer.

Next point: So, if they didn’t bother reading my comments, how did they know I was ‘angry’ Oh, I know. Because they assumed I was getting upset after they shoved words in my mouth. I don’t really get angry. Upset, sure, but not really angry. And even better? Those long comments? less than 1000 characters. Characters, not words. Just because I’m trying to point out that they did something crappy, I’m an angry person. Also???? Replying with no emotion. No they weren’t. I get that tone doesn’t translate in text, but by god they were one of the most combatant and defensive people I’ve seen on wattpad.

Since I can’t see the activity that led to the other things on their message board i can’t say what happened there, but based off of my own experience with them, I’m assuming they’ve twisted the narrative to suit their own needs. Which by the way, can be insanely damaging

I’ve had enough interaction on my account with people, and enough A/Ns for people to get the general vibe i give off, so this probably won’t be much of a problem for me. But if they had dropped my username and I had like 10 followers? It’s a lot easier to trash a reputation than it is to build on. “Oh hey, I like a book by this person” “that persons a jerk didn’t you see that one post” 

People fall into a false sense of security that wattpad is sunshine and rainbows because its mostly young teens on it, but there are plenty of jerks who will twist your words and reactions to fit their needs.

Sorry for the long post, but I can’t reply to the message on their message board unless I want to implicate myself with either of my accounts. So you get this because otherwise my side of things is unknown to the world.

[eevachu]

There once was a girl called kate/most think she’s very great/some people are wrong/They’ve been bad for very long/for their standards no person can abate

EDIT: The person who sent this came forward and clarified that this ask was meant to poke fun at anti-Kate trolls, not Kate fans. I misinterpreted it and flew wildly off the rails (as I am oft want to do lol). The person who sent this couldn’t have known the depths to which I have grieved over this issue as of late, so do not fault them for it. They wanted to send me a joke and I took it the wrong way (ah the similarities here to Kate’s comedy). 

I appreciate someone trying to make me laugh. I don’t really appreciate further spreading this drama, but people are entitled to their opinions, so they are also entitled to the consequences of those opinions. I will say, however, I don’t really like comedy that punches down (accidentally or not), because I think many of the people, who, wrongfully justified and misinformed about her or not, are doing it out of a genuine desire to help trans people. I think the puritanical environment that spaces like tumblr create for this type of discussion creates a toxic mindset that looks ridiculous compared to a properly moderated formal debate environment.

I’m keeping the full version under the cut, because they are things that should be said and I am so very tired of seeing people drag her name through the mud based on hearsay. You may use the examples I’ve provided to draw your own conclusions on the matter, as I have drawn mine. I’ve included some footnotes and clarifications. Skip down to the bolded paragraph above the video to avoid the majority of my emotional outburst.

Thank you for sending needless and harmful negativity into my inbox, I really wish you had instead put your time towards a positive goal like volunteering at an animal shelter, working to raise awareness over the plight of indigenous people in Canada or even just telling someone their hair looks nice today. (The thank you was sarcastic, in case that wasn’t clear.) Or hey, maybe you could have just said, “I know you love Kate, but here’s some problematic things she’s done you should be aware of.” Not write a patronizing little ditty. Catch more flies with honey than with open condescension and all that?

Since you seem like one of those sick people that get off to seeing people feel bad and subscribe to tumblr’s toxic black and white morality and witch hunt culture, here is what you accomplished with this ask:

You’ve made me upset, and I’m sure that was your goal. Congrats. I am an adult woman of 25 and I am crying now because of how upset this made me. This is nothing special, I am weepy person, so don’t pat yourself on the back. I tend to care too much and feel too freely; but anon, did you want me to cry? Because here you are. I am crying. Trembling a little too. You getting your rocks off to this? Happy to be of service then.

My being upset has triggered my anxiety over the issue of my admiration of Kate as an openly lesbian comedian versus the occasional problematic content of her comedy. I think about it a lot, because I am a critical person. The anxiety is going to affect me for several days. Right now I’m nauseous. I will now sleep poorly because of it. I will get less work done because of it. I will be in a foul mood for a week, which affects the people around me. I may self-medicate with alcohol or take what I like to call “a gravol nap”. I will lose money because of lost productivity. So you’ve lost me money anon, I’m sure you enjoy that. What is it about suffering that gives you your jollies, anon?

I work freelance, and you’ve interrupted my work day, because I cannot let this stew, so I have to take time out of my day to write out my thoughts as a reply you probably won’t see and take other measures for my own well-being. This really isn’t for you anon, this has been stewing in me for months and this is the last straw.

So here under the cut are my full thoughts on Kate Mc /.Kinnon Berth/ old, they will be rambly as, hey look, I’m dissociating a little (how fun):

Did you know from 2007-2010* Kate played a problematic character called Fitzwillia m that portrayed a dmab character that wanted a vagina? I’m sure you did. Anon, have you actually watched the Fitzwillia m skits? Here’s a link to all of them:

Watched them? Opinions? I want your real opinions on them, not just what the witch-hunters have told you to think. You’re probably a smart person, you can make up your own mind.

They’re in poor taste certainly, but a lot of comedy is. I think in the grand scheme of life, in the grand scheme of all human suffering and portrayals of queer characters, Fitzwillia m isn’t the worst. Certainly not great and certainly transmisogynistic, but like… watch a lot of TV from this time, this is practically progressive.

Is Kate maybe attached to this character because so many people loved them, approved of this character, and brought this character back for 3 seasons? That sometimes you do bad things because you don’t know they’re bad or that you do, but damn if you don’t need the money? That sometimes you’re ill-informed about something? That to create a character is to send part of yourself out into the world, and you always will love them even when you shouldn’t? That she hasn’t addressed it because to do so would be a PR nightmare for her publicist? That she likely doesn’t know this is even an issue because she’s not on social media? Probably. I’ve made some terrible characters, who did much worse things, who I am lucky to let die on paper stuffed in a folder where no one can see them. She was 22* when she made this character, in a completely different cultural climate than in 2017. Does it make it right that a whole team of people approved this character out into the world? Not to me. However, I don’t have the right to decide anything about the trans-related nature of Fitzwillia m as a cis person, but context is always important to me.When I was looking for a compilation video, I found trans people who genuinely enjoyed this character. I know I love some absolutely problematic gay characters.

Let’s put this into MY context anon, 2010 is when I met my first ever trans person. Ever. I was 18 and in college. I think it took me like… 2 years to figure out what trans actually was in a healthy way that wasn’t tainted by my culturally ingrained transphobia. I didn’t know dick all about social justice or politics or the queer community. I thought I was maybe bisexual. I thought I knew everything. By coincidence, I’m actually going through my blog today and clearing out posts from that time because they’re terrible, because I was terrible. I’ve changed so much from then, I don’t even recognize this person on this very blog. I’m not famous and those words are entirely mine, so I lose nothing by saying I’m wrong for what I said. Kate could lose jobs and colleagues and friends for addressing her past in a similar manner. She worked collaboratively on those works and people will take offence at her backtracking. It’s all very damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Is it right? Probably not, but it’s understandable. She works for Saturday Night Live, a place where they are constantly making things like:

That was made in 2015 and this is very mild. In 2015, I had a more senior coworker make a joke about how a couple we could see in the building across from us were “swapping their gay AIDs blood.” I think that’s a much worse “joke” than anything on SNL. I didn’t tell HR because I was afraid to lose my job, as shitty as it was. She wasn’t exactly in a position of power when these things were made, and she isn’t really in a place to speak out against them now. She’s just now hitting her stride. If I can’t stand up in my own workplace, I can’t fault her for not standing up in hers.

Did she joke about never seeing a penis in an interview? Yes. Did I make the same type of jokes until someone came along to tell me what was wrong with it in a nice way? YEP.**

Does she even know it’s an issue is another thing. She doesn’t use social media, certainly not tumblr. I learned basically all I know about the queer community from tumblr. I have no idea where I’d be without it; probably still making transphobic gold star lesbian jokes.

Anon, I’ve read her receipts. I always do. I know what I’m doing by supporting her is a bit problematic, but so are most of the things I do in my life. I eat meat from factory farms. I have a pedigree dog. I live on unceded First Nation’s land. I benefit from systematic racism. I don’t know what the hell my mutual funds are actually invested in. I’ve made rape jokes and said r*tarded. I was a schoolyard bully redirecting my anger onto other because of my home life. I’ve ruined people’s lives by things I’ve said. I have been a truly godawful person.

Here’s why I still love Kate, if always cautiously and never uncritically: from 2014-2015, I had a mental breakdown, until 2016 I lived in this sort of haze. I remember wanting to die a lot. I remember staring at the subway tracks and thinking, “what if I just jumped?” Do you know what that’s like anon? To constantly want to die? To be in a dead end job, to feel like you’re absolutely worthless? To have a pet die and just think “I deserve this suffering, I’m a failure”?

And then I saw her as Jillian Holtzmann and just… something changed. Something truly changed in my life. She helped me figure out I was a lesbian. She helped me see that out lesbian women could succeed. She got me through that 2016 election where I lost all hope again.

Did she actually do anything? I mean, not really. But she represented something to me and to watch people tear her down is to watch a part of myself be torn down with her. 

Why do I still love Kate, even if only as an idea, not an actual person? Because her saving my life outweighs the blights in her career. Because I give people the benefit of the doubt that they don’t mean harm, because they aren’t aware of the underlying social issues they are dealing with. Because I do not minimize the harmful way that ra// dical fe /.minists are recruiting young lesbians into the T /.ERF community by calling anyone who creates transphobic/transmisogynistic content TE /.RFs. Because I do not idolize, I admire. Because her job is to make people laugh and I truly don’t think she wants to hurt anyone by doing so. Because people are complicated and good intentioned people can do bad things. Because I want to believe she’s a good person under everything.

Because I am willing to forgive other people for things I have done myself if they seem the sort to be open to learning.

If all else is still unforgivable to you anon, I leave you with this: there’s a part in the movie Julie & Julia, where the main character Julie finds out that the Julia Child, this woman she has idolized and who’s cookbook inspired her to change her life, doesn’t like her work. She is devastated. And her husband says that there’s two Julia’s: the real one, and the one in Julie’s head, who she sees as her savior. The Julia Child in her head is the one that really matters.

Let me have the Kate in my head.

In conclusion: anon, I wish you all the best, just very very far away from me.

Notes:

* I was wrong about the original dates that this aired, BGSS aired from 2007-2010, not 2008-2010, which means season 1 was likely shot in 2006 with Kate was 22-23 when she created Fitzwilli am. I was pretty stupid at 22.

** I am actually really angry about being misled by this quote, because I had never watched the full interview, which you can see here:

The interview was filmed in 2007, 10 years ago when Kate was 23, she’s 33 now. 10 YEARS. I know I don’t want to be compared to 15 year old me, or really even 23 year old me. Like I really don’t want to be out here “making excuses” but you have to think critically about the context of the things she’s said and how blowing them out of proportion is harmful to people who are actively trying to harm the trans community. Sure, she’s buying into the gold-star rhetoric for a laugh (because it’s a funny joke straight people in my life STILL make to me and so that’s what most young lesbians think is what you do), but she immediately says after “I don’t think [penises] are gross, I think they’re fun! Fun to play with.” That’s not a typical transmisogynist lesbian dialogue (they usually say penises are disgusting). Which yes, equates genitals with gender, but like… I remember in this time period of my life I was doing the same thing. Not out of malice, but because I didn’t know any trans/genderqueer/nonbinary people, I didn’t even know trans men were a thing! In the same interview she says she’s more 98.5% lesbian, it’s very clear that she’s not sure about these things.

You can tell this interview is more an open dialogue between friends trying to have an honest conversation about sexuality in a time that information about sexuality and gender was much harder to obtain. 2007 is long before it became standard for people to qualify that genitals didn’t equate gender. And it’s definitely still not comedy’s standard, and I get what it’s like to constantly be bombarded with cissexist rhetoric that sometimes you just give in to make it easy.

So in real conclusion: I personally think, from my standpoint as a cis lesbian of 25, that tumblr needs to forgive and needs to draw their own conclusions by watching these examples, not repeat this cycle of screaming examples at people without linking those examples. Let people draw their own conclusions and be open to being wrong about something. I was wrong about the entire catalyst for this post, and I am so deeply sorry about it, and will be more careful in the future.

And for the love of god tumblr, stop holding people to such high standards when you probably wouldn’t meet those standards yourself if you were in that same person’s position.