#I absolutely love Titanic Rising y’all what an album

[silkhy-john]

“Stop calling, it’s time to let me go” from Weyes Blood’s ‘Andromeda’ except it’s Bianca talking to Nico and everyone is now crying

[underthisbigsky]

Dear cuties,

I’m just five days from the end of the longest recruitment trip I have ever taken. Seven weeks felt so easy in January when I was coming off of winter break in Hawaii. I had a wedding to look forward to in the Bay Area, a long stay in sunny California with my best friend and my sister, and more confidence than ever after having already completed two recruitment trips. Over the past six weeks I’ve been careful to pace myself, to take stock, to practice self-care...and still I am tuckered out! One more school...

Last week was split between Creighton in Omaha and Loyola in Chicago (now I am in neither of those places: I drove to South Bend yesterday to recruit at Notre Dame this week!). The contrast between the two cities was pretty noticeable, but although they are super different, I enjoyed my short time in both!

The past few days in Chicago were full of highs and lows. Something about big cities really puts me on edge, and I think as a result my emotions swing both ways: I either feel empowered and inspired and connected, or I feel frustrated and incapable and alone. To be honest, most of the time I lean toward the latter. I don’t mean to dislike city life. There’s just so much speed and stimulation that I just get tripped up! (Not kidding: if you’ve ever observed me doing basic tasks, even when no one is around, it’s pretty obvious that I stumble awkwardly through life already; being surrounded by bodies and motion only elevates my clumsiness.) 

The worst was on Thursday, when I walked around for TWO HOURS trying to find my car which was four blocks from the Loyola campus. I’d recorded the cross-streets on my phone but then my phone ran out of batteries and I could only remember one of the street names. I was so mad, and the more I walked, the madder I got. Stuff I thought I’d put behind me bubbled back up to the surface, every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself came rushing to the front of my mind, and soon I was just angry at EVERYTHING, including:

Lemonade didn’t win Album of the Year

Trump is STILL president

I haven’t called my legislators all week

I am still not an Oregon resident so does that mean I can’t file taxes in Oregon and what are taxes and why don’t I know what to do with them when I AM AN ADULT

I AM AN ADULT

Polar bears are dying

Also bees

That one girl who kills elephants and poses with them

I am more qualified than our current Secretary of Education (who has spent zero time in public schools) and I AM NOT QUALIFIED AT ALL WTF

Why do I spill things all the time? Why do I always get lost? Why can’t I do anything right? Why do I need to sleep so much? Why can’t I finish the rest of Titanic after Jack and Rose hook up in the car?

The school-to-prison pipeline

The Dakota Access Pipeline

Every man who’s ever told me to “cover up” (excuse you)

Polynomial equations

My constantly sweaty hands

Everyone with a private island

The very concept of turducken

By the end of the first hour I was visibly frazzled, and by the end of the second hour I felt absolutely hopeless. At this point I didn’t even know where Loyola was anymore. I just needed to find a place with WiFi so I could turn on my laptop and look at a map. I walked into the first fast-food restaurant I saw and sat down, only to find that -- OF COURSE -- my laptop was out of batteries, too. 

That was it. I totally broke down. I hate getting lost, I hate getting mad, and I hate crying in public -- and here I was doing all three of those things at the same time. It was so pathetic. And even though I was working really hard to keep it under wraps the person next to me still noticed, which made me even more uncomfortable. He asked if I needed anything and I said no*, and then he bought me a Mountain Dew**. Thank you, random sir, for the act of kindness***.

Oh goodness, y’all, this was not intended to turn into a “feel sorry for Maggie” letter. I think I just really needed to tell that story. I only wish it weren’t so pitiful. I did find my car after all, and Chicago reconciled herself to me the next day. But that experience reminded me that it is okay to feel needy. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to cry in the middle of a fast-food restaurant and sip sadly on a drink you don’t even like while you take deep breaths and just...give yourself a minute. We are all watery beings, raw with need, yearning for affection, trying our very best. Have mercy on yourself, for goodness sake -- as God has mercy on you.

Now the air thickens around me, and I remember to let myself be held again by love. Indiana is a little warm for winter, a little cold for the rising summer in my heart. I wait impatiently, as I usually do this time of year, for longer and brighter days -- March is coming soon...! In like a lion, out like a lamb. Brace yourselves!

Humbly, Maggie

* this was totally false -- obviously I needed help (and a hug, but not from him) ** which I drank because he’d already spent the money and I guess I was trying to be polite (?)...but I think Mountain Dew is gross and it made me a little sick *** I know it’s the thought that counts and at the end of the day it was appreciated; I just wish I didn’t have to be so accommodating all the time