#I TRIED. I really did. when the first movie came out. and you know whomst was in it. I TRIED.

[imwritesometimes]

I feel like the only person on this website who hasn't seen any l0tr content and has no desire to.......

[bucksblr]

tagged by @leonzhng​ thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena​ @yibobibo​ @lan-xichens​ @purplexedhuman​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @lanzhansmiles​ @nyx4​ i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

[yokelish]

Why Yo once read Harry Potter books (in translation) "Half-Blood Prince" and "Deathly Hallows".

I am not going to deny that I can be what kids call spiteful little cunt. So imagine the glee I felt when I realized that a. my peers (mostly classmates) were into Harry Potter at least enough to watch the movies and follow the story b. the books were finished but the movies weren't.

Now, I am shit at math and as a child I didn't like to read much fantasy due to lack of visual imagination. But since there was already a ground work in movies that would be of little consequence, I thought, and calculated that if I were to read the last two books in HP franchise over summer break I could ruin the next two-three years for approximately 20 kids. I really have to thank film makers for breaking the last movie into two parts.

And so, I got the books. My parents never protested about buying me books. Like if that bitch had hardcover and had pages inside, I could have it regardless. They never paid attention to the ACTUAL covers of the books which led to some INTERSTING ALBEIT INAPROPRIATE READINGS.

As a true fan, of course, I had to start with the least exciting book, which was Half-Blood Prince. The thing was, as I realized somewhere in the scene of Dumbledore drinking some green goo to get a medallion is that I didn't watch enough Harry Potter movies. I watched the first three and was like "yeah, it's good!". No. No, it wasn't. Too many character names, too many things about the world that I didn't know about. Why drink the goo and not like spill it into this green lake that literally surrounds you? Because magic means it has to be drank. Okay, why not make some magical or even non-magical animal drink it? Like, it's sad, sure, animal right and no-cruelty testing hooray, but a wise wizard doesn't have to lose his mind. And also... WHOMST THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE FROM BLACK (surname) FAMILY THAT I SHOULD CARE SO MUCH ABOUT? (Spoilers: Harry's Godfather's Brother.)

So, by the dumb rules of HP universe, I had to put down the book and re-watch all the available movies. Which was fucking hard back in the day since Netflix and Internet weren't a thing. Thus, I had to remember character names, locations, all that good stuff. Who the fuck is who and why.

So, going back to Harry Potter books. I am what you'd call a little fucking crazy. Like I can't skip chapters or pages in the book. A mental thing or something. If my eyes didn't touch every single word printed, the book wasn't read. And I didn't like that. So, despite my absolute loathing towards everything and everyone in Half-Blood Prince, I persevered.

On side note, the books actually made me appreciate the movies more. Because the dude who played Harry was charming and funny. And the movies didn't make me live in Harry's head. At times, he was an awful human being by choice. And people say "HE WAS AN ABUSED ORPHAN". So, like, every other hero in fantasy. They didn't have to be awful by choice. Alexander Hamilton, too, was an orphan, I don't see many of you here defending his shitty choices.

And it's not like my childish self wanted Harry to be perfect, no; I picked up Eragon soon after I was done with Harry Potter mostly because I wanted fantasy that would heal my broken soul. And Eragon was a dumb village boi. And he was thrown so much responsibility on him he couldn't handle it. He started by fucking up and he continued to fuck up till like book 3. A big lizard that hatched 6 months ago was smarter and wiser than Eragon. In fact, Eragon who was so ignorant and people-pleasing he accidentally cursed a newborn child. And even that once single moment of "shit I can never undo so it will haunt me forever" was a lot more powerful to me than Harry talking to his dead parents before going to face the Evil Overlord. Though, giving credit where credit is due, it could be also an issue of relating to a character. I doubt I would have found a magic stone that would bring the ghosts of my very much alive parents, but I did have a big mean mouth and I could say shit I regretted easily.

Anyway, back to the point. I found Half-Blood Prince an insufferable reading experience. Every single character, and especially Harry, every other progression and "plot twist" in the book just made me want to drop it. And remember, I am a very hecking young reader. I have no analytical skills, I didn't even have taste. I wasn't be able to tell what is considered "classic lit" from "modern lit". So many things just didn't make sense. Why do Death Eaters have that Skull and Snake symbol in the sky? It's like those cartoonish thieves who leave a note after a successful heist. Why does magic...works that way? Like, my dumb self, out of nowhere decided that being a good magician in HP universe was kinda similar to being a good athlete. Training, education, and some natural talent do the trick. And that wands were just instruments to channel magic. But apparently, a fucking stick can you hella powerful? There's the Queen Stick. The Stick of sticks. I think the Stick of sticks annoyed me more than anything. It's a shitty McGuffin for an Evil Overlord who came back from the dead.

The whole book felt like a fever dream, to be honest, and not even like fun one. It felt like the fever dream you'd get on malaria or something. I understood why Dumbledore decided to drink that green goo and lose his mind. I wanted that, too.

After finishing Half-Blood Prince and knowing what it was like to live in Harry's head, I moved on to the last book. Which was easier to read due to its cartoonish-ness. It was strange picking it up and having Harry leave on this lone hero journey to find Evil Lord soul pieces while also having moments like "a tale from a children's book that is actually Harry's heritage". The ceiling in their friend's house that is painted with their names, and then BOOM, evil dudes attack. A dude seeing an illusion of his "love interest" making out (VERY VIVIDLY THROUGH HARRY'S EYES GOD I HATED THAT SCENE) with his best friend and teleporting the fuck out of that middle of nowhere they were hiding in. An Evil Overlord giving the big I WON speech without checking for HIMSELF if THE BOY HE TRIED TO KILL EVERY YEAR FOR 6 YEARS IS ACTUALLY FUCKING DEAD.

So, yeah, I didn't like Harry Potter books. Well, the last two I actually read in translation. I still stand by the fact J.K. is a midcore writer since I tried to read her other books that are not HP (yes, they exist) in her mother tongue. I am glad I pirated them and never finished!

So yeah, after summer break, I told my classmates that I read four Harry Potter books, because a. I could lie like a motherfucker b. how would they check? And told them how it was going to end. I guess, because we were all young and spoiler culture wasn't such a big issue we just all kinda shrugged and went on with our day. It's also not that big of a reveal if you think about it. Evil Overlord is dead and the hero survives! How unexpected! No one gave a fuck about ginger twin dying.

But! Good thing is that no one was interested in watching any more HP movies outside of what they already watched. So, I ruined that for the movie industry. And no one ever talked about Harry Potter again.

Until our next summer break, and our homerun teacher giving us a summer assignment that included reading HP books. I was exempt from that. And no one did it! That was incredibly proud moment for me that came a year later! No one wanted to read the book anymore!

I single-handedly ruined the sales of HP books and movies in a small ass city. Word travels fast.

Next time, I'll tell you all about the time I argued with a dude about how Avatar: The Last Airbender The Movie was going to suck balls and how passionately he denied me.

[eldritchsurveys]

667.

1. If you found a baby turtle on the side of the road, would you pick it up and keep it? >> If I found a baby of any species on the side of the road, I’m not going to pick it up and keep it, I’m going to call the appropriate authorities and let them handle it. The fuck am I doing with a baby anything? 2. Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? >> --- 3. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? >> --- 4. Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? >> It was all right. At least the Sun was out a bit, and I managed to go out for once. Mostly I’m glad to be back in my bed now, lol. 5. Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? >> No.

6. How about you, do you have a bf/gf? >> Hm. 7. Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? >> I don’t date, period, but I also wouldn’t hang out with someone who had a superiority complex. 8. So do you have a best friend? >> No. 9. What would you do if your best friend kissed the last person you kissed? >> --- 10. Do you dislike anyone? >> Not really. There are people I don’t really want to be around, of course, but I can’t think of anyone specific that I’m like “fuck that guy in particular” about except for people that have unapologetically hurt me (in which case it’s less “I dislike you” and more “I don’t even want to acknowledge your existence”). 11. Did you message your best friend today? >> --- 12. Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now? >> I don’t see why not. 13. Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? >> Yeah, because I have Trauma Brain. But I also know that I don’t make any more mistakes than the average person and most of my mistakes are easily fixed. 14. How do you feel about your hair right now? >> I’m going to need to buzz it again soon. 15. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? >> Maybe someone has a tattoo of my name, because my name doesn’t just belong to me. But no one has a tattoo of my name that is actually about me. 16. Who did you last see shirtless? >> A couple of characters on Carnivale (before one of them got hanged with the word “HARLOT” carved into her forehead, of course. this is Carnivale after all). 17. How would you feel if you got the person you liked? >> --- 18. Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months without cheating? >> *sigh* 19. Do you like to make the first move? >> The first move to what? 20. Do you think you will ever be married? >> I am married. 21. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? >> Sure. 22. Is it possible to be single and happy? >> Duh? 23. Was the first person you talked to today male or female? >> The first person I spoke to was the bartender at Gardella’s, who is female. 24. Do you remember who you liked on New Year’s? >> --- 25. Are you a morning person or a night person? I’m barely a person. <-- mood 26. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? >> Whether I “can” or not is irrelevant because I don’t fucking want to. 27. Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? >> Sure. 28. Is there anyone who likes you? >> --- 29. If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? >> --- 30. Do you understand football? >> I understand American football. I don’t know anything about soccer football except the obvious bits. 31. What’s the first thing you heard this morning? >> I don’t know. 32. Who last called you beautiful? >> I don’t know. 33. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? >> No. 34. How many kids do you want when you get older? >> --- 35. Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week? >> Of course not. 36. Ever been called a jerk/bitch? >> Yep. 37. Do you have feelings for anyone? >> Bold of you to assume I have feelings-- 38. If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? >> Falling while pregnant is dangerous, oof-- 39. What’s your full name? >> *eldritch screeching* 40. Are you young or old? >> Depends on your perspective -- to a child I’m old, to a middle-aged person I’m young, etc. 41. What’s the gender? >> Oh, the gender outside is frightful... 42. How’s your heart been lately? >> You know. Beating and such. 43. Why aren’t you in bed? >> I am, though. 44. Did you do laundry today? >> No. 45. What kind of computer do you have? >> I have an MSI Leopard Pro and a Lenovo Ideapad. 46. Are there always other fish in the sea? >> Not if you overfish. 47. What can your tongue do? >> You know. Lick stuff. Form phonemes. Get chemical burns when I eat too many sour candies in a row. 48. What do you think your mum does when she goes out? >> --- 49. Do chickens have feelings? >> I don’t know anything about chicken neurology/psychology. 50. Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? >> No. 51. So how are you feeling today? >> Neutral. 52. Where is your sister right now? >> --- 53. Name five things you did today? >> Took a bus, drank at a bar, briefly logged into ESO, watched an episode of Carnivale, ate mac n’ cheese with bacon. 54. What kind of phone do you have? >> Moto g6. 55. What are you listening to? >> Nothing. 56. What do you smell like? >> A bit like my roll-on oil and a bit like my whipped shea butter. Mostly just like... clean skin or whatever. 57. What colour are your eyes? >> Dark brown. 58. Have you ever done a Chinese fire drill? >> No. 59. Do you know someone named Betsy? >> No. 60. What colour is your mum’s hair? >> --- 61. Do you have a dog? Breed? Name? >> No. 62. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? >> I mean, yeah? 63. Are you married? >> Yes. 64. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? >> --- 65. Do you play an instrument? >> No. 66. Do you like fire? >> Sure, fire is nice. In moderation. 67. Are you allergic to anything? >> No. 68. Have you ever been to a spa? >> I’ve been to a nail spa because Sparrow works at one. I’ve also been to the Aveda spa that she did her training in years ago. 69. Do you miss someone? >> No. 70. Views on premarital sex? >> I have no views on it. I really can’t fathom having an opinion on whomst other people fuck and when. 71. What is a noise that you cannot stand? >> Face sounds. Any of them. Eating, breathing, sniffling, lip-licking, eugh. Stay away. (Sometimes I can hear myself blinking and I want to rip my eyelids off. It’s bad.) 72. Do you know how to do a cartwheel? >> Yeah. 73. What is the most you are willing to spend on a pair of sunglasses? >> Not much. 74. Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? >> --- 75. Do you shower naked? >> Do I look like Tobias Funke to you? 76. Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? >> That’s not my interpretation. People with glasses just look like people with glasses. 77. Are you ADD or ADHD? >> No. 78. Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? >> I FUCKING WISH. I was so mad when I needed band-aids for my feet and none of the ones in the size I needed came in cartoon print. The only ones with fun designs were little baby band-aids. I think as an adult I should be able to buy whatever the fuck kind of band-aids I want, including ones with Stitch on them. Fuck you. 79. Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? >> Probably. 80. In one word, how would you define yourself? >> I wouldn’t. 81. Tell me about a dream you had recently? >> I can’t, I can never remember them anymore. I get vague wispy impressions upon waking, and then even those disappear after a few minutes. I feel disconnected from dream!Mordred and I’m so curious at what it’s been up to. 82. Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? >> --- 83. How did you feel when you woke up? >> Fine, I guess. 84. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? >> I don’t know, probably something related to Sparrow knocking around as she got ready for work, because that’s my first sensory memory upon awakening. 85. Name something great that happened on Friday? >> It’s Thursday, ask me on Saturday. 86. When was the last time you saw your father? >> --- 87. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? >> No. 88. Have you ever been kissed by a person whose name starts with J? >> Yeah. 89. Do you crack your knuckles? >> Yeah. 90. What were you doing twenty minutes ago? >> Probably still this survey, since it’s so long. 91. You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you? >> No. 92. Have you held hands with anyone in the past twenty-four hours? >> No. 93. What would you do if your partner still kept pictures of their ex? >> Nothing? That doesn’t affect me. 94. What if your partner went through your cellphone? >> I wouldn’t be with someone that went through my belongings without my express permission. 95. What if your partner was flirting with another girl/boy? >> I’d be glad for her. I hope she gets whatever she’s looking for from that interaction. 96. Ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? >> --- 97. You want someone/something? >> Not really. 98. Is there really a difference between Coke and Pepsi? >> Yeah, which is why many people have a preference. 99. Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now? >> No. 100. Are there any mistakes with your recent ex you wish you could have changed? >> I’m pretty sure the entire situation in itself was a mistake, and it was changed, by us ending up having no contact with each other. 101. Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? >> I mean, sure. 102. Background on your computer? >> Right now it’s a wallpaper with a scene from the movie Interstellar. (My desktop wallpaper is on a shuffle timer.) 103. Have you cried recently? >> Like, within the last week, probably. 104. Who has hurt you the most? >> I don’t know. 105. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? >> Sure. 106. What language do you want to learn? >> --- 107. Your ex’s car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response? >> I mean, I don’t drive, dude. Also, we live in wildly different parts of the country. This is just so many layers of implausible. 108. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? >> ---

[cottonblush]

model student | hrj

❧ word count: 2,568

❧ genre: fluff, humor

❧ notes: i really didn’t know what to title this but then i was like?? hey the reader is a model student bc they’re like a top student who tutors often and renjun is a literal model student so,,,, watch literally no one get my pun um we love that! also renjun is 500% visuals he could definitely be a model and if anyone disagrees they’re irrelevant:)

renjun really doesn’t want to take more time off of school since he’s already missed a lot

but he’s gaining more popularity in the model industry and doesn’t want to miss out on any opportunities

so after almost a month he’s done bunch of shoots and decides it’s time to go back to school

but when he gets back he’s kinda lost

ok maybe really lost

renjun likes to consider himself a pretty smart person but he’s having a hard time catching up

so his teacher says he’s assigning you as his tutor bc you’re one of the smartest students

and at first renjun is like,, no way josé i can handle this on my own

but then his chemistry teacher starts talking about the born-haber method and it’s at that moment he knows

he fucked up he desperately needs help

he’s supposed to meet you after school the next day and he’s lowkey nervous because,, what if you judge him or look down on him

but then he realizes he just doesn’t?? care what people think

so he gets to the library and at first he doesn’t see anyone so he’s like

gasp!! i’ve been played

but then he notices you sitting on a bean bag chair near a big window

you’re studying what seems to be calculus and you have earbuds in so you don’t hear him approach

just when renjun goes to tap your shoulder you take a sip of water

and end up spitting it out all over your textbook bc you really didn’t hear or see him coming

meanwhile renjun is just standing there wondering if he should apologize or like help clean up or something

and he’s about to ask if you need a napkin

when you jump up from your seat and turn to face him and

??? you smile at him

renjun is officially confused™

shouldn’t you be mad?? he made you ruin your textbook and those aren’t cheap

anyway you take your earbuds out and place your book on the floor and you say

“hi you must be renjun! i’m y/n!”

and renjun is like “ok but your book,, she dead”

you assure him that it’s totally fine it’s your own copy of the book anyway

so then yall sit down at a table after cleaning up the water

and then you clear your throat and ask what he needs help in

renjun tries to be nonchalant about it like “oh i mean i’ve kinda gone for a while but i’m sure i can catch up in no time”

but then his voice cracks in the middle of it and then he’s like!! oh shoot i look dumb

but you’re nice so you just don’t bring it up and decide to assure him

“ii think so too:))))) you seem like a rlly smart person”

renjun doesn’t know how but you seem to speak the language of smiles? and he’s mildly uncomfortable like how can you be this happy after a long day of school

anyway he decides to just explain his predicament and tell you about his modeling gigs and stuff

and once again you surprise him by not freaking out or acting different like most people do

you just nod and smile some more like you totally understand him

and the weird thing is?? it’s actually believable

like renjun really feels like you get him and he thinks to himself?? mayhaps yall could be friends

so you guys finally get to the studying part and you somehow manage to crack a joke every two seconds

even though they’re lame renjun laughs bc his grades sorta depend on you helping him

but once in a while you say something sorta funny and renjun loses it

and it’s weird bc you’re the first person he’s met that he feels comfortable around (other than his friends jeno, donghyuck, jaemin, chenle, and jisung)

anyway so you two cover a couple of subjects and before long the sky is dark and you’re like

oh shoot i gtg!!

and renjun is kinda worried you’ll be in trouble

but then you’re like

lol no it’s just that my cat likes to be fed at a certain time and if she doesn’t get her food she literally attacks me but it’s totally fine ahah living my best life

you and renjun decide to meet 3 times a week so that he can get caught up asap

and ofc renjun’s friends think he’s got a gf so one day they decide to stalk him and they follow him to a starbucks where you said you would meet

and they get out a newspaper and hats and sunglasses and everything

they really think they’re being super sneaky but

everyone is giving them weird looks

except you and renjun bc for once yall are?? actually studying? who would’ve guessed

anyway after about 2 minutes of staring at you two chenle gets bored and decides to confront you

so he gets up and he doesn’t even bother taking off the gigantic trench coat and sunglasses he’d been wearing

“dude are you just not gonna introduce me to your gf/bf i’m so offended,, i thought we were close i even binged the kung fu panda movies with you”

you and renjun look up and see this giant blob of a man(??) shaking his head disapprovingly and yall are just like,, whomstve?? do we know this chump?

and then chenle rolls his eyes and then takes off his disguise and renjun groans and rolls his eyes

“how did i not know it was you chenle,, first of all they’re not my gf/bf and second you’re the kung fu panda fan here are we just gonna ignore the fact that you collect all the figurines-”

ofc chenle ignores renjun and he turns to you and is like

“how do u even tolerate renjun ugh he can be so mean sometimes he’s basically my bully”

and you laugh and tell chenle that renjun isn’t that bad he’s actually kinda sweet sometimes

cue chenle going “oooooooooooooooooooh yall are totally dating”

renjun doesn’t even try to hide it when he kicks chenle in the shin

by now, the rest of renjun’s friends have given up on their disguises and are blatantly staring

and renjun notices them out of the corner of his eye

he drops his head in his textbook and just wants the earth to swallow him up

on the other hand you’re having a blast because renjun’s friends are a hoot!!

you guys have a lot in common and after 10 minutes you’ve already promised chenle see his figurine collection and you tell donghyuck that you’ll totally go sing karaoke with him

renjun is lowkey jealous so he reaches across the table and taps your hand and is like,, can we ditch uh-,, can we ditch

so then you tell the boys that you have to take care of your cat because it’s sick

and technically you’re not lying you do have to feed it

renjun stands up and is like,, dw i’ll walk u home so we can save ur cat!!

so you two grab your stuff and dash and it kinda has the boys suspicious but they’re dumb so they’re all thinking

omg i hope the cat is ok lets all go home and pray for it

anyway so now it’s just you and renjun walking down the street and watching the sun set

and renjun is mentally asking himself why he got jealous back at starbucks

he decides that he got to know you first so maybe he’s friend jealous?? yeah bc that’s totally a thing

and his mind also goes to this new offer he got from a photographer recently

he wasn’t going to take the job but now he figures when he gets back he’ll get to spend more time with you and for some reason that makes him rlly happy

so he tells you about it and is like

“you better be there to catch me up god knows i can’t count on the others”

and you laugh and say ofc you’ll help and you’re super excited for him bc it’s a shoot for a pretty well known brand

when renjun finishes his shoot he’s really excited bc he thinks it turned out amazing and he can’t wait to show you,, and of course the others too

so he gets home and he’s about to text you when he sees this notification for an article about him

it talks about how he’s just a generic teen who does the same poses over and over again and he doesn’t even look that good

and all of a sudden renjun just feels like he’s lost all confidence

it really isn’t like him he’s usually super confident and doesn’t care about what strangers think but

this review came from a famous fashion magazine and he really liked it but now?? not so much

he doesn’t reach out to anyone for a while

and after a couple days you know something’s up because you know he’s home from the shoot already

you go to visit him and you find out he locked himself in his room

and you knock and ask if you can come in but he doesn’t answer

so you just talk to him from outside and hope he’s listening

you start by saying you heard from his manager what happened and that he’s dumb for even caring about some random article

and then you rant about how he’s smart and funny and has pretty much everything going for him

and then last but not least you’re like

“you’re someone i and a lot of other people look up to a lot and i rlly want to see you smile again bc it’s lowkey gorgeous and you’re lowkey gorgeous but anyway”

you figure you’ve said enough so you skedaddle!! and uh usain bolt can step aside bc you’re pretty sure you’ve set a new world record

all this time you’re freaking out bc you have no idea where all of that ‘ur so gorgeous’ talk came from

probably out of your left buttcheek you’re literally so flustered

and renjun is just thinking about what you said and he doesn’t know why but,,, he can’t,, stop smiling

those negative thoughts? poof gone. insecurities? whomst.

ok so a few days pass by and renjun finally goes back to school

and it’s lunch time

and renjun is nervous to see you but he still doesn’t know why

and you’re nervous to see him bc you think you made yourself sound dumb the other day

so you try to distract yourself by talking to jaemin about some gossip you two heard

but then in your peripheral vision you see renjun enter the cafeteria and your heart!! stops

and you still don’t know why but your heart is like all tingly

as renjun approaches it hits you like a brick,,, you like renjun!!!!

snap crackle pop you rlly like this dude!

so you get up mid sentence and you run up to him and you just smile and say “you’re back i missed you:))”

and he says he missed you too and he missed your smiles

and then you’re like “haha that’s nice um wanna go on a date some time,, wow is that a bird in chenle’s hair i should go bye”

renjun is like “wait what did you say” but you’re already: gone

and he runs after you and makes it to the lunch table and you’re sitting there with your face in your hands bc you think you’ve just screwed it up

so he sits down next to you and gently takes your hands away and like just holds them in his and the size difference is so cute bc compared to his hands yours are so tiny!!

at this point the rest of the boys have gone quiet and are staring and chenle is about to interrupt and say something dumb but jeno shuts him up by shoving some ramen down his throat

and he senses the atmosphere (perhaps he’s been binge watching the bachelorette and love island in private so he knows what’s up) and somehow grabs all the other boys and drags them away

as he’s leaving jeno does like a salute in renjun’s direction bc he’s got his bro’s back but

renjun is too busy rn

trying to get you to look at him

also jeno is now pouting bc he really wanted it to be this whole cool scene where he and renjun saluted each other or did some like secret code but,, it’s totally fine:(

anyway so here you are face as red as the chilies in the popeye’s red stick chicken advertisement

you’re just like

why did i say that why did i say that wHY DID I SAY THAT

but then renjun is like

“hey y/n i’d really like to go on a date with you if you could maybe breath first tho”

and you’re like

“…………………………wait what”

“yeah i actually think you’re really cool and i’ve sorta had a crush on you for a while”

“…………………………wait wHAt”

“istg if you say that one more time i’m leaving”

“nono uh i mean are you sure you like me?? i’m not that special or anything”

renjun then hits you on the head and assures you that to him, you’re the most special and beautiful and perfect

and you’re like

uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwu

“that’s cute aw so glad i have a recording of it”

and renjun stops and says “um recording?? whom-”

“sweetie it’s called acting now ii have something to blackmail you with if you’re ever rude to me”

and then you pull out your phone from your pocket and you stop the voice memo app and save the recording as

'bf’s confession uwu’

and then renjun chases you for the rest of lunch trying to delete the recording and you’re laughing rlly loud and disturbing everyone but

you guys don’t care bc you’re too happy

and tbh everyone thinks you’re a cute couple

like jealous classmates? no how about supportive ones who ship you and write fanfics for yall

it’s cute how renjun can get flustered by some of the stories that get written about you two

and he has to try and keep his 'idc’ façade up but it never works

anyway the point is yall are basically perfect for each other

catch you two on campus at the tuck shop buying snacks for each other

or walking home together

or finding cute lil restaurants to eat at

eventually your relationship goes public and like

at first you get a bit of hate bc some of renjun’s fans are protective

but then they realize you’re a literal squish and then all of renjun’s supporters turn on him and are like

“istg if you hurt y/n i’ll kill you idc how gorgeous you are”

and honestly you love it and you rub it in his face like all the time

“hah maybe i should be the famous one it seems like they like me more”

“shut up or i’ll make chenle do his dolphin laugh every time you try to sleep”

“lol nice try we’re kung fu panda buddies there’s no tearing us apart”

perhaps renjun hates you but at the end of the day he can’t see himself living without you

so it’s all good

[realashergray]

Get to know the writer tag!

I was tagged by @swaynewrites (thanks pal!)

1) What is your favourite book, and your favourite author? Hmm... I loved The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, and as for authors I love David Levithan and Rick Riordan!

2) What’s the longest time you’ve spent working on a WIP? Well, I’ve been working on Hell Fire for a little over three years now, and it’s pretty close to being done! But I also wrote my first novel over the course of fifth grade through seventh grade, so that came pretty close (it was terrible and also I don’t have it anymore because I had written it in iPhone notes and then that iPhone took a swim and died)

3) What’s your favourite character that you have ever created? I love Alvah Mencher a lot because he can make light of any situation, while still keeping it real. But my favorite character changes a lot. Right now I think I might be switching over to Rebekah

4) Have you ever based a character on someone you know? (family, friend, co-worker etc.) Definitely! All the time! Although I rarely shape a character exclusively by one person I know. I don’t know anyone, even myself, in all their dimensions and facets, so in order to create a three-dimensional character, I have to add bits of lots of people I know!

5) What is your favourite WIP you’ve written? Well, Hell Fire is pretty good in my opinion, and I’m also excited for something that’s going to be a sequel to it (even though they’re written in completely different styles lol consistency whomst?) but fun fact I made a picture book as a very small child, that I still have, about a little girl losing a tooth, and I gotta say that’s pretty fun to read

6) What’s the best response you’ve had to one of your WIPS? oh my gosh @neeksknocks and @xanderswriteblr are my best bros, they’ve said such awesome things about my characters! I love when people have insights about my characters that are super right, it makes me feel better about how I write them! akfjaslkfasl I’m feeling happy just thinking about it

7) What’s the best film/television show you’ve seen based on a book? Hmmm, I loved Love, Simon a lot, and the parents especially got to me and made me cry... I didn’t love the friends’ treatment of Simon when he was outed, and also Leah was supposed to be fat, but otherwise I really enjoyed that movie. I also loved A Wrinkle In Time! So many great actors!

8) Have you ever written something as a joint project with a friend or a fellow writeblr? If you haven’t, would you want to? I have tried to, many times. Unfortunately, they haven’t gone any further, but I would love to keep trying! If any of my author friends on here would like to write with me, they can message me and I will be 100% down!

9) If you could change something about a popular bookseries, what series would you change and what would the change be? I have so many choices, but first and foremost I would fix Harry Potter since that series is so influential. I would increase the POC, LGBTQ+, disabled, and fat representation, and actually have them written well, with the help of beta readers and such, as well as taking fan criticism more seriously. And I probably would either delete The Cursed Child from existence or else seriously change the premise because I absolutely do not believe that (spoiler alert) Hermione and Ron would raise their children to be judgmental on the basis of someone’s parents, and I cannot imagine Harry being a bad father, given the abuse he endured from the Dursleys.

10) For the Harry Potter fans out there, what is your favourite character/spell/scene? (If you haven’t read or seen Harry Potter, i’d recommend it 😁) Alright, let’s see. Favorite character... I think Ron? Or Molly? Or Ginny? One of those Weasleys. Their family reminds me of my household (we have a lot of people in my house) and I really admire their loyalty, strength, and bravery

Alright now here’s my questions, and I’m tagging ten people that I want to get to know better to answer them. @damawrites @writerlydays @pazwrites @storybooksarah @angespoir @erinisawriter @norroendyrd @writing-in-the-wings @shelbytakaiwrites and @creatinmaven

1. How do you like to plan your WIPs? Do you have a method you use?

2. Has anyone ever inspired you to write? Like a mentor or an idol?

3. What is the worst book you’ve ever read?

4. Did you do really well in writing classes in school, or really badly?

5. What’s your favorite trope?

6. What’s your least favorite trope?

7. Is there a vice you have? Like coffee or candy or alcohol?

8. What hobbies do you have, besides writing?

9. What’s your dream job?

10. Do you hope to self-publish or try a publishing company?

[selfiecharmedlife]

RE: Process posting vol 1: Why did this bum me out so much

               I don’t have a goal in mind for this post, but I have a starting point and I want to see where I end up. Recently, I saw a movie and anyone in the same discord servers as me is likely aware that I felt a pretty strong reaction to it. I just can’t quite figure out why. Maybe a writing exercise will help me unpack what’s going on in my broken brain.

                Background stuff: Hibike Euphonium is a show about a high school band that follows a freshman euphonium player as she goes through high school. Egos clash, characters grow, and they play music together as the main set of characters get older and transition from being mentees to leaders. As a former 1st chair, band was a huge part of my high school experience. Euphonium’s accuracy to what it’s like being in a high school concert band is almost frightening at times. One of the seasons of the TV anime had the main character grilled in front of the band for continuing to fail a part. I’ve been in that position and the tone the band director’s voice actor took sent me back to my high school band days. When the scene was over, I realized I had been holding my breath. As the band performs, you can hear the kinds of mistakes a high school band makes and even minor things like the sound of a tuning slide moving are put front and center. Those little touches mean so much to me. The animation is also stunning. Basically, I highly recommend it and could gush for multiple posts. 

               As per most of the shows I write about, it’s also got some gay. The protagonist, Kumiko, and the band’s star trumpet player, Reina, are middle school classmates entering high school with distance between them that gradually closes. Kumiko admires Reina unabashed desire to stand out and express her talent. When a trombone player makes it obvious that he’s interested in Kumiko, she doesn’t return his affection and instead keeps developing an increasingly intimate relationship with Reina. Several scenes across the two seasons of the anime suggest their interest is more than platonic so much that other characters comment how comfortable they are with each other. 

               It’s one of my favorite series so when the movie came to American theaters last week, I got my gay ass together and went to see the gay band girl movie. The first scene has the trombone boy Kumiko had previously shown romantic disinterest toward confessing to her. She has a surprised reaction and the opening credits play. We don’t see her response, but throughout the movie there is a running sub-plot where we find out she agreed to date him after the concert season is over before further ultimately postponing it further at the end of the movie after he tries to kiss her. This was contrasted against other scenes more typical of the series where Kumiko and Reina seem extremely comfortable with each other. Apparently, a third season of the anime is in production so whomst can tell what’ll happen with these characters. As I walked back to my car, I felt myself getting more upset. This was the first time I felt like I had been queer baited. A previous side character jumped in front of two seasons of wlw momentum during the very first scene of the movie and the previously disinterested protagonist is now jealous when he shows attention to someone else.

That’s the crux of what I wanted to process via writing. Why is it that I was having that reaction to this pretty mundane movie? Even now, it still bugs me. Like I said earlier, I was the 1st chair trombone of my own concert band and a lot of the story, characters and sets of this show feel nostalgic for me. The hot summers at marching band camp, the small problems that felt world ending at the time, learning from older students and then finding out you have younger students looking up to you. I grew a lot as part of being in band and I consider it the defining part of my high school career. It was also the only co-ed activity in my all boys high school. The girls from out sister school would take the bus every morning to practice and as they would pack up and leave after morning practice, I’d often wish I could go with them. It’s how I met my first girlfriend who deserved much better than an insecure, dysphoric and jealous adolescent.

               Outside of band, high school is where I best learned to hate myself. In the four hallways (and science wing!) of my tiny high school, I transitioned from an awkward and bullied kid that loved anime to basically the same person but more depressed, better at faking manhood and ashamed of liking things. That shame would take years of therapy to start to unwind. One of my classmates would years later describe it as going to school in a locker room.

               I didn’t want to go to that school. In middle school, I was savagely bullied by my public school classmates. In grade school, I was the member of my grade that kept being friends with a flamboyant kid in our class through his own terrible homophobic bulling. Eventually, he would transfer to a different school and the I was the new “fa**ot.” In middle school, I would regularly get insulted, shoved into lockers or jumped and beaten up. One time a group of kids even followed me home from school where I waited home alone while they knocked on all the doors and windows trying to get me to come outside. My parents tried to pull me out of the school, but I stuck it out and graduated. Even though I wanted to continue in public school, my parents put me in a private high school to get me away from that bullying.

               Maybe those bullies were onto something though, throughout middle school and grade school I would have dreams where I relived my day as a girl. It felt nice. It felt so nice that I felt guilty about it and developed an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I wonder what could have been if I had been able to express myself during those meetings with a therapist. What if I could have trusted that my parents could be supportive? What if my mom hadn’t been in the room for some of those visits? What if the therapist that might have suspected what was up pushed me just a little bit into really admitting what I wanted? Sometimes I feel that there is a near timeline where I was able to express my feelings. Maybe I would have been able to start puberty blockers. I could have started them in middle school and still graduated. Maybe I’d start HRT near the end of middle school and get a few months under my belt before high school. My parents could still have put me in a different school and I would have had a chance to have the high school life of a girl. Maybe they would have put me in the sister school we did band with and I’d still have had that experience. 

               In my head, I know that timeline isn’t as close as it feels. My parents wouldn’t have supported me then that just like how they don’t support me now. In my heart though, it feels good. It’s when you make a pizza for dinner after skipping lunch and pull it right out of the oven. It’s hot and burns your mouth, but it’s meeting some other need. As much as I used to think I didn’t want to relitigate my history, these fantasies are fulfilling while also extremely painful. 

As my old high school world religions teacher used to say, back to the point of departure. I’ve written before about how people connect to media to work out their own issues. People are really good at it and sometimes do it without realizing it. Euphoniums attention to detail on the experience of high school band, the significance of band in my own high school life, the hints of gay and the reality that I can’t have the experience I wanted to all sort of mush together into a ball of pain and feelings that I didn’t perfectly realize was there. An emotional knot rooted from my past that I need to work on untangling in the present. I guess that rounds out why I was having that reaction and gives me some things to work on. 

****

I wrote this out Wednesday night and woke up this morning to find out KyoAni, the production studio was the subject of a deadly arson attack. I’ve been thinking about it all day. The works they put out were beautiful, evocative and series I’ve treasured many years after viewing them. They are a standout in the animation industry for treating employees well. As of right now, there is a gofundme up for donations but it isn’t clear when or how that money will get to KyoAni (https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-kyoani-heal/). A more direct way of supporting is purchasing from their online store. There is a guide here: here  pic.twitter.com/N8pPN6uo72